All language subtitles for Mr. Black - 01x07 - Episode 7Episode 8.W4F.Enli.HI.C.udateAddic7ed.com

Doc, just give it to me straight,
how long have I got?

What? A year?

Or six months?

Hey, we've been through
this before, mate,

ankylosing spondylitis
is not a death sentence.

Not to you.

My advice to you is to get off
the scooter and do some walking.

I mean, you can't get enough exercise.

- Have you tried yoga?
- Yoga is for wankers.

- Pilates?
- Wankers who don't want to stretch.

Zumba?

I don't even know what that
is, but it sounds sleazy.

I happen to like hooning
around on my scooter.

See, people like you are a
menace on the footpath.

- You're a menace.
- I've had three patients

come in this week who've been
run over by scooters.

Really? Only three?

Guess my bloody average is
slipping, then, isn't it?

Thanks for nothing, Jim.

No worries, Pete.

Mr Black, please.

Hey.

[HORN HONKS, BRAKES SCREECH]

Synced & corrected by QueenMaddie
www.addic7ed.com

Hey, would you mind shelling these peas?

Really, babe?

I have to write.
Why can't we buy loose peas?

Yeah, babe, why don't
you buy loose peas?

Fine. Next time, you can do the shopping

and you can buy whatever peas you like.

I think I speak on behalf
of Angela and myself

when I say that he who buys
the peapods shells the peas.

Excuse me, Dad, I'm the only
one that speaks for Angela,

and I will shell the peas.

Ugh.

You kids don't know how to argue.

When Ro and I used to
argue, it was great,

I'd present my side of the argument

and she'd threaten me with a knife.

That happened one time.

How's the article coming along?

Doesn't matter how good the
research I'm writing is,

everyone at work thinks I got
the job because of Dad.

No. My reputation's only one
reason you're at the paper, love.

The other is female quotas, right?

Joking.

And it's because she's an
amazing investigative reporter,

who's about to be nominated
for a Journalist Association Award.

We don't know that yet.

- Yes, we do.
- Yes, we do. It'll happen.

And when it does, you can leave
all this nepotism rubbish behind.

And if you need me to have a word
with anyone about the nepotism,

I'd be more than happy to.

I'll be right, Dad.

And thank you for having faith in me.

[SIGHS]

Seeing you two together

is like seeing a fat bloke
at a sushi restaurant,

it makes no sense.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

- Hi.
- Fin.

- Yeah.
- Remember me?

It's Greta Buckmeister
from Bendigo State School.

Oh. Okay, yeah. Right.

You were a year above me and
we played mixed netball together.

Uh, did we? Oh, okay. Yep.

And then a few years later, we
hooked up at the Underground.

Oh, Greta! Yeah, sorry.
You were friends with Simone.

- Yeah, that's right.
- Yeah.

- Oh, didn't we hook up at Peppers?
- Oh, no. We kissed at Peppers.

Then you fingered me at the Underground.

- Oh, my gosh.
- And then we went back to my place.

Wow. Okay. Um, yeah. I just...

Oh, I could have sworn that
I fingered you at Peppers.

Don't remember. [CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]

Um, cool. So...

Look, I can't stay long because
I've got to go pick up my son

- from piano lessons.
- Wow, you have a son.

- How old is he?
- He's six.

Six. Wow. Okay, so what?

You had him the year after we
had our little one-night stand.

Yeah, had him nine months after
our one-night stand, to be exact.

Oh, wow. That is so weird.
Who's the father?

You are.

[STAMMERS] It's coming back
to me now. We used condoms.

Yeah, but one of your little
soldiers managed to escape

and helped create our son, Bacardi.

Bacardi? That's his... Is that even a...

Isn't that a girl's name?

You know, gender is fluid and I
didn't want him to be influenced

by a gender-specific name.

Also, I was drinking Bacardi
the night he was conceived.

Oh. Huh.

Um... wow. Okay.

Um, how come you didn't let me know?

Oh, well, you went off to uni
and I guess I was embarrassed.

Okay, so, like, is there
something I need to do?

Oh, no, no. God, no. No.

I just thought he might want
to know who his father is.

Yeah, of course.

How about tomorrow morning,
we'll be at Aromas at 11am,

if you want to meet
him, you can stop by,

if you don't, that's fine.

- Okay.
- Great.

- [SIGHS]
- Who was it?

Uh, Jehovah's Witnesses.

You right, mate? You look
like you've seen a ghost.

Hmm? Uh, no, no, no. I'm good, I'm good.

You sure? If you need to get
anything off your chest,

we're always here for you.

Yes, thank you, but I am good.

- Totally sure?
- Yes.

'Cause we're here if you ever need us.

Yeah, I'm good, alright?!
I'm good! Just I...

- Whoa, settle down.
- Thank you.

Dad was just trying to be nice.

[SIGHS CONTENTEDLY]

- [COMPUTER CHIMES]
- Were you nominated?

I don't know. Something's
wrong with the site.

I think it crashed under the weight
of journalists needing validation.

[CHUCKLES] Well, good luck, babe.

- D'you want a ride to the station?
- No, I need the walk.

- Okay.
- Thanks. Bye.

Bye.

- Hey. Ooh.
- Ooh. [CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]

- Bacardi, this is Fin.
- Hi.

Hello, mate. How you going?

- Good.
- What are you playing there?

- A game.
- Ah...

- [CHARACTER SCREAMS]
- Oh, wow.

Let's hope he doesn't grow
up to be too homicidal.

Oh, no. Studies have
shown there's no link

between video games and violence.

[CAMERA BEEPS, SHUTTER CLICKS]

- When did you come to Melbourne?
- A few weeks ago.

Wish you'd told me about him
earlier, I could have helped out.

Oh, no. It was my decision to have him.

I didn't want to destroy
your life as well as mine.

[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]

Well, not only would you not
have destroyed my life,

but I could have helped with naming him.

Do you have a problem with Bacardi?

No, no, no. I just...

I mean, I don't know many kids

named after alcoholic
beverages, that's all.

That's weird. I know heaps.

Um, now, I wanted to
transfer you some money

'cause you've probably
had heaps of expenses.

Oh, it's okay. No. I've gone...

We've come this far without help,
I'm not gonna ask for it now.

Thought you might say that,
so I've written you a cheque.

A what?

Just take it to a bank, they'll
know what to do with it.

[GUN FIRES IN VIDEO GAME,
CHARACTER SCREAMS]

Oh, wow. That's pretty cool how you
shot that guy right in the head

and the blood squirts
all over the screen.

- [CHARACTER SCREAMS]
- Oh, he's alive again.

Hey, um, maybe we could organise, like,

a play date or something.

Yeah, yeah, sure.

- [SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY]
- [CAMERA BEEPS, SHUTTER CLICKS]

[DOG BARKS]

"Dear Fin"?

What? No good?

Well, I don't think this
generation says 'dear' anymore.

What about 'babe'?

Maybe, but I can't bring
myself to type that.

- 'Dear dickhead'?
- Perfect.

Though he might see
through that. Hard to know.

Well, let's look at other emails
she's sent as a template.

I'm not going through
my own daughter's emails!

Well, I'm curious as to where
you draw the moral line

because we're on her computer,

composing an email from her
account to her boyfriend.

That's just good parenting.

Yeah... yeah, I'm not a snoop.

Just write 'Fin', comma, after all,

you know, she's being serious.

'Fin', comma...

"It has come to my attention
that you have a child."

No. 'Fin', comma, "I
hear you've got a kid."

"A friend of mine saw
you and sent this."

Brackets, "Pic attached."

Okay. Perfect.

"It's literally bullshit
that you didn't tell me."

No, no, she's a journo, mate,

she knows the definition of literally.

She's also under 25. Just put it in.

"I think it's best if we take
a break while I deal with this."

"I'd like you out of the house
before I get home. 'K?"

'K'? What, did you just have a stroke?

I'm not abbreviating an already
abbreviated word, weirdo.

Actually... I'm gonna
use all four letters.

- No, no, no, don't...
- I'm using all four letters.

Yeah, but don't write 'K' or 'OK'

'cause she doesn't need his permission.

Ah, too bloody right. How
about 'yours sincerely'?

No. He's getting an email
from his girlfriend,

not a telegram from the Queen.

Just a single lowercase 'X' is best.

- That's good.
- [CHUCKLES]

Now, send.

We go into sent items,

delete file from there,
and no trace.

Perfect crime, as long as they
never speak to each other again.

Mate, this is the best
thing we've co-written

since we busted Warney
and those strippers with the...

- The blow-up doll?
- ... the blow-up doll.

- [LAUGHS]
- Oh, shit.

What?

I forgot to delete 'K'.

[PHONE CHIMES]

ANGELA'S VOICE: I think it's
best if we take a break

while I deal with this.

I'd like you out of the house
before I get home. 'K?

- 'K'? What?
- [PHONE CHIMES]

Please respect my decision
and don't hit reply. Peace out.

Peace out?

[CROWD APPLAUDING]

MAN: Alright, bit of shush,
everyone, bit of shush.

Thank you. We have two
nominees in the category

of Young Journalist of the Year,

Jess Myers for her story about

the guy who made the bomb
threat to get out of work,

'Sicko Chucks Sickie',

and Angela Black for the piece she wrote

about the guy wearing
the 'I have drugs' T-shirt

who was actually then
arrested for having drugs

with the headline 'The Truth Shirts'.

So, look, round of applause
for all of our nominees.

And if you missed out,

it's possibly because
you're a B-grade hack

and part of the reason
this paper's going under.

So, back to work.

Hey, super sick that
we're both nominated.

Yeah, we'll have to get
frocked up together.

Yeah, but I hope it doesn't get weird.

- How do you mean?
- I hope you don't resent me when I win.

Oh, of course, as long as you
don't resent me when I win.

[CHUCKLES] Very funny.

This trash-talking thing
is gonna be fun, isn't it?

Two for me.

Ah, Fin.

- Fin.
- What's happening?

- I'm out of here.
- No.

Congratulations, Mr Black, you won.

Really?

I don't remember
landing the knockout blow.

No, you didn't.

I had a one-night stand six years ago,

which I've just discovered
produced a child.

- Ooh...
- Yeah.

Angela found out before
I could talk to her

and now she wants some space.

Well, what's the mother
of your child like?

No, no, no, no. Fin probably wants
to head off, Malcolm.

Well, maybe you could grow to love her.

No. No, I love Angela.

Fin, you know a couple

doesn't necessarily need
to love each other.

I'm a veteran of a 10-year
loveless marriage,

and I discovered the secret to
them is to find other interests.

In my case, I was gay, so I just
threw myself into journalism

and business trips to Sydney.

Um, here's where I'm staying, in
case Angela changes her mind.

- Ooh! Imported beer?
- Oh, yes, please, sir.

What a thought.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Guess I won't be needing this anymore.

Oh. Hm.

- Oh, shit.
- Ooh, you alright?

Ange, hey, since the awards
are going to be televised,

do you want to go halves on
someone to do our make-up?

- Okay.
- Hang on.

It's probably not worth
the expense for you

because you only get a
close-up if you win.

[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS]

MALCOLM: Hah! You're amazing.

Oh, is that my favourite nominee?

- Ah, hello!
- The woman of the hour!

Oh, look at her! Congratulations!

- Come here.
- You're amazing! Here we go!

- [POP!]
- [CHUCKLES]

Where the bloody hell
did you pull that from?

Oh, I always keep a party
popper in my pocket,

just in case of good news.

There's a lot about you I don't
know, isn't there, Malcolm?

- I'm an enigma.
- Thanks, Malcolm.

- I appreciate it.
- No worries, gorgeous.

And thanks, Dad.

I just hope it gets me out
of your lovely shadow

and earns me recognition as
a journalist in my own right.

I'm sure it will,

especially if I have a word
to the judging committee.

Dad!

Fin, you home?

[PHONE CHIMES]

[SIGHS]

Can either of you tell
me what I had in mind

when I sent this photo to Fin
and told him to move out?

Photo? Don't know what
you're talking about.

Me neither.

And even if we did know what you
were talking about, which we don't,

how did you get a copy,

when there's no copy on your computer?

I would have thought.

Since you didn't send it and
neither did anyone else.

I got a notification on my phone

that a copy of the email had
been stored in the cloud.

- BOTH: Oh, the cloud.
- I forgot about the clouds.

You don't know how the
cloud works, do you?

- No.
- No.

Where's Fin?

- [SIGHS] Cloud.
- Cloud.

[KNOCKS]

Whatever you need to be the best
father you can possibly be,

I'll be there for you.

I can't believe you
thought this was from me.

It looks like some old
guys literally googled

"words young people use" and
randomly threw them in an email.

Yeah, well, it did seem
weird, but, you know,

it came from your email address.

I don't know what I'm more offended by,

the fact that you didn't
tell me you had a kid,

or that you think I'd say
'K' instead of 'OK'.

I wasn't thinking clearly.

Well, you had a lot on your
mind, being a new dad and all.

I was only told about
the kid two days ago,

and, you know, because
we had used condoms,

you know, I wanted to meet him to
make sure that he was really mine.

'Condoms'? Plural?

Oh, yeah. Back then, I
used to double bag. Yeah.

Are you sure he's yours?

He's just like me, he's overly sensitive

and he has no hand-eye coordination.

I threw a ball to him and
it bounced off his neck

and hit a duck and he started crying.

- That does sound like you.
- Oh, yeah.

Oh, I gotta go. I've gotta
take Bacardi on a play date.

Oh, I don't think you should
go drinking with your son.

No, no. That's his name.

I'm coming with you.

[KNOCKS]

- Hi.
- Hello.

Come in.

It's so great to meet you, Angela.

Sorry about all this.

No worries at all.

Bacardi, say hi to Daddy and Angela.

Hi, Daddy and Angela.

It's alright that he calls
you Daddy, isn't it?

- He's just so excited.
- Yeah, yeah, of course.

Whenever we're watching telly
and your Coco Pops ad comes on,

I say, "Bacardi, Daddy wrote this,"

and we just marvel at
how smart you are.

Oh.

How do you know Fin
wrote the Coco Pops ad?

Everyone in Bendigo knows.

We're really proud.

I hope this isn't too strange for you.

I don't think you were
on the scene, though,

when Fin and I had our fling.

No, no. Fin and I didn't
meet until this year,

so before that, he was free to
have sex with whomever he wanted,

whatever they were drinking.

Cool. Bacardi has been so happy
and relaxed since he met you.

I'm just hoping that we can cut down

on his appointments at the shrink.

Shrink?

Yeah, he's a little on the spectrum.

So, thanks for taking responsibility.

Yeah. Yeah, no. Of course.
Anything I can do to help.

Actually, um, I mean, there's
some bills have come up.

So, you know, maybe just
until your cheque clears.

Okay, sure.

I'll go get his play date bag.
Do you want to come with me?

I can show you his room, we
can choose what toys to take.

- Sure.
- Cool.

OK.

Angela's great.

Oh, thank you. Yes.
Yeah, I really like her.

- So, this is his room...
- Oh...

[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS]

So, I'll pick him up from
your place around 5:00

and, uh, good luck.

- Bye.
- Alrighty.

- Shush.
- I didn't say anything.

I'm not talking to you,
I'm talking to your face.

- Oh!
- Ah, ah.

Get your front foot to
the pitch of the ball

and play with a straight bat, please.

If you think you're going
to play for Australia

with a technique like that,
you are sadly mistaken.

He's just a kid, let him have some fun.

It's great, Bacardi. Keep trying.

Ahh.

If you're going to employ
a laissez-faire approach

to child rearing, then
that's your prerogative.

But a word of warning, it
doesn't turn out champions,

it turns out people like you.

Well, I think Bacardi's
doing a great job.

Yeah, well, that goes to show
how much you know about cricket.

Well, I want to raise
my son the way I want.

I'm not going to stand
by and let you do that.

You see, I know a shitload
more about cricket

and child rearing than you ever will.

Well, that may be so, but
you're not his father.

How many Fins have played
for Australia? None.

How many Peters have played?

Ooh, let me just... let's count 'em out,

Peter Taylor, Peter Siddle,
Peter Handscombe,

- Peter Forrest, Peter bloody...
- Warne.

- Oh...
- He was one.

I rest my case.

Alright, Bacardi, let's try...

Bacardi?

Ooh, the odds have come in for
the Young Journalist of the Year

and Centrebet have me at two to one on.

That must have been a punch.

Sorry, I don't have time to trash talk.

I'm doing journalism stuff.

- How was your swim, mate?
- Good.

Oh, good, good.

Hey, here's an idea, why don't
we keep the swim to ourselves?

We don't really need to
worry your mum about it,

or child welfare.

Encouraging the kid to withhold
information from his mum

and play with a cross bat,
you are a shocking dad.

Your polemic about
unorthodox cricket shots

is the reason he nearly drowned.

Uh, no, no. You allowing
yourself to become distracted

is the reason he nearly drowned.

You see, a proper dad knows
where his kid is at all times,

no matter how many beers he's had.

Isn't there some other relationship
you could be destroying?

You're right. See, I've been
trying to expand my reach,

when really I should
have been concentrating

on dissolving you and Angela.

I'll get back to that now.
Good talk, Daddy.

[DOOR OPENS]

Through there.

Here we go.

[LAUGHS WITH RELIEF]

- Daddy.
- Hey, mate. Oh!

Go and get your stuff, alright?

He's my boy. Haven't seen
him for a few weeks.

Right. [SIGHS]

[CHUCKLES] 'Cause, you know,
Greta told me that...

Yeah, Angela filled me in.

I mean, we can go and get
a DNA test if you like,

but Greta and I got together

about a month after you
guys had your fling.

Oh, well, I mean, it wasn't really
a fling, it was more of a...

Fingering followed by a quickie.
Yeah, mate, I heard.

And unlike you, they didn't use condoms.

Oh.

Look, we've been together for six years,

and about two months ago, I
lost my job at Wok and Roll,

uh, a few weeks after that... [WHISTLES]

she just ups and goes.

Oh, jeez. Sounds like you
really hit 'wok' bottom.

Sorry. I work in advertising.

- There you go.
- What are you doing here?

I miss my wife and son.

Well, you should have tried
harder to keep your job

or at least made an attempt
to get another one.

I'm trying to get another one.

And I'm trying to give our
son the best life possible.

What? By tricking this
sweet, gullible fool

into thinking that the kid was his?

Ooh, sorry. Um, just so everyone knows,

I would have got around
to getting a DNA test

and suggesting a name change.

Look, I've got an interview
with Wok This Way next week.

If I get this gig, will you come home?

Please? So, we can be a family?

I've got a really good
feeling about this one.

That's what you said about Wok The Boat.

Yeah, babe, the Wok The Boat
guys weren't that serious.

Wok This Way seems serious.

OK, if you get the job, I'll come home.

[SIGHS]

Greta!

Oh, sorry to just barge in,

but Evian is so excited to see Bacardi.

- Hi, Gavin.
- Simone?

Everyone, this is my friend Simone.

- Fin.
- Simone. Hey.

My gosh. I haven't seen you since...

- The Underground. Right?
- Yeah. Or was it Peppers?

I think it was a bit of
both, according to memory.

[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]

- You look good.
- Oh, thank you. So do you.

Sorry. This is my girlfriend, Angela.

- Hello.
- Hi.

Ooh, and this is my son, Evian.

Well, this isn't awkward.

Who's for some champagne?

Oh, so, it wasn't a DNA match?

Oh, I'm sorry, babe.

In the last 24 hours,

you've gone from having
two different kids to none.

The good news is I've got
a little crystal man

that you can take care of.

Yeah, he's very quiet

and you're welcome to name
him whatever you like.

I'm not grumpy,

I'm just a little agitated
by the injustice of it all.

You know? I know I shouldn't care,

but my Uber rating's dropped by .02.

Ooh, .02?

I'm so sorry for your loss.
Is there anything I can do?

Not anymore, no.

I deleted the app.

Don't you think you
might be overreacting?

No, Angela, I'm the perfect passenger.

I always wait out the front.
I've got great personal hygiene.

I never slam the door, and, you know,

I ask them about themselves
in that authentically curious,

non-cliched, Andrew Denton sort of way.

Oh, you sound awesome.

Also, I always look genuinely
interested when they give me

their headshots and tell me that
they should be in one of my ads.

No, I now have, like, 70 photos
of people that would be perfect

to play Uber drivers.

MR BLACK: "Hey, Fin, I won a giant
teddy bear at the golf club."

"It's in the sunroom."

"Thought it might be
nice to give to Angela."

So, what's your rating now?

- 4.86, dropping from 4.88.
- Oof.

You know, for a while
there, I was actually five,

until the time the driver farted
and then looked in the mirror

- just as I was making a face.
- Aww!

So, I read an article

that if your rating's
over 4.8, you're a suck.

- [CHUCKLES] Yeah, well, that...
- [SCREAMS]

- Jesus Chr...
- What happened?

The teddy bear! [WHIMPERS]

What?

The teddy bear! T-t-teddy bear!

- [HUFFS]
- [SIGHS]

Snowflake.

Look at that. See?

Lead doesn't get stuck, 'cause it's...

Someone's put some thought into that.

Boss, we... we noticed you don't
have a crime investigation unit.

All the papers have got them.

Like, The Washington Post
has Woodward and Bernstein.

The Age has Rule and Silvester.

The Telegraph... has...

All the papers have them.

And we think The Post should have one,

and we want to start
off by doing a series

on advanced surveillance
and interrogation techniques

used by the police.

Yeah, that's a rabbit hole
you don't wanna go down.

You do a story on
interrogation and surveillance.

Then you think it's a good idea to
put your partner under surveillance,

then you... you find out he's
cheating on you with a Vodafone rep.

It... it's a slippery slope.

That's would never happen to me.
My boyfriend would never cheat.

And I'm with Telstra.

Look, this investigation unit,

it's not gonna get in the way of
your African gang stories, is it?

- Absolutely not.
- Mm, good.

'Cause Thomas has come
up with a good headline.

"Behave or We're Ghana Send You Home."

"It's Our Way or Zimbabwe."

"Kenya Go Back to Where You Came From?"

You see? This shit writes itself.

Now we just gotta find
some misbehaving Africans.

Thanks for this.

God, it's surprisingly difficult
to find decent subjects.

Of course.

Fin!

- FIN: Yes?
- Stop writing your twaddle.

Come in here.

There's someone I want you to meet.

This is Julia. Julia, this is Fin.

- Hello.
- Hi.

Julia was a cartoonist at
the paper before becoming

one of Australia's best
up-and-coming portrait artists.

Oh, hmm!

She's looking for someone to paint,

and against my better judgement,
I, uh, thought of you.

Ah, cool! Cool, I love portraiture.

I go and see the Archibald every year.

Oh, which artist do you like the best?

Ah, oh, yeah. Oh, um... er, well,

I... I don't think you can
go past Anh Do, you know?

I mean, should we sneer at
him just because he's popular?

Absolutely not. I love Anh as well.

Yeah, Fin. No-one's sneering at Anh.

So, before I decide to
paint someone, Fin,

I like to get to know
a little bit about them.

- Ah, sure thing.
- Yeah.

Uh, Peter tells me that you're
an advertising copywriter.

Yeah, that's right.

So, what do you like
best about copywriting?

- Ah, oh, the hours.
- [GIGGLES]

Well, what do you think you'd
be if you weren't a copywriter?

Oh, I... I literally
have no other skills.

It's actually quite
concerning, and so, yeah,

I might turn to a life of
crime or stand-up comedy.

[CHUCKLES]

Well, is there anything
exciting on your bucket list?

Uh, no, no.

Sorry, I... I don't really like
experiencing new things, so...

Well, um, what do you
least like about yourself?

Oh, uh... oh! My Uber rating.

It just dropped below 4.9.

I cannot raise it, no
matter how pleasant I am.

Australian Uber drivers are the worst.

My rating always goes down
when I come back to Australia.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Maybe that's it! Thank you.

Um, okay, how would you
describe your sense of style?

Uh, oh, well... yeah,

it's... it's a homeopathic
approach to fashion.

Uh, I don't want to draw
attention to myself,

but you've gotta be careful in trying

not to draw attention to yourself.

You don't want to inadvertently
draw attention to yourself.

Hmm... I'm sorry, Jules.
I've sold you a dud here.

Oh, on the contrary, I... I
find him quite interesting.

Fin, would you do me the honour
of letting me paint your portrait?

It'll take three days, a
thousand bucks, cash in hand.

Yeah, of course! That'd be fantastic.

- Great! Um, I'll go get my paint.
- Yeah, sure.

And then get set up while
you get your gear off.

What's that?

Oh, I paint nude portraits.
So, clothes off.

Is that cool?

Yeah, that... that's cool, I guess.

Great. I'll be back soon.

- [DOOR CLOSES]
- Did you know about this?

Maybe.

MALCOLM: So, how's the whole
marriage thing going?

Oh, it's all on hold.

Ange wants her dad's blessing.

Oh, God. Who does he think
he is, the bloody Pope?

Yeah, a badly-dressed, racist,
grumpy, anti-herpes Pope.

Fin, if you put a ring in front of her,

she won't give a damn about
Pete's blessing, I promise.

What are you boys talking about?

Uh, just giving Fin the
lowdown on posing nude,

since it's something I've
done many times myself.

Ah, well, make sure
you spray his doodle.

- I don't want him blinding Julia.
- That's what we started with.

Why do you think it's taken so long?

[SCOFFS] That's just disgusting.

Have you ever done
anything like this before?

I wore a body stocking
when I played Flower B

in the David Jones Christmas
pantomime last year.

I'm joking. It was when I was a kid.

I had a pretty weird childhood.

That is still pretty adorable.
What was weird about it?

Oh, my brother Eric used to
tell me that if I was annoying,

uh, my parents would send me away

just like they did with my older sister.

- But there was no older sister?
- No, there was no older sister.

It was pretty full-on.

Yeah, he used to, um, cheat at Uno

and open beers with his eye socket.

He could make a bong
out of just about anything.

Well, Eric sounds great.
What's he up to now?

He's a CEO of an investment
bank and owns three boats.

See that freckle, above
my left eye, there?

That one there.

Do you think I should
get that looked at?

It's just, uh, I don't
want to wait too long.

I might end up losing an eye.

Bob Marshall from The Finn Review, uh,

ended up losing half his nose,

and now he keeps his glasses up
with surgical tape and Blu Tack.

Dad, I'm sure you're
not gonna lose an eye

between now and when I get home.

Hang on.

Who's that woman Fin's with?

And why is he naked?

So, after I left the paper,

I studied fine art at Florence
University for two years.

- Oh, that sounds incredible.
- Yeah, it was.

It was tough.

She just... Julia was just
telling Fin about Florence.

Okay.

Can you hear me?

I can hear you.

[JULIA GIGGLES]

Sorry, there's a lot of
laughter going on there.

They remind me of, uh, you
and Fin in the early days.

You weren't even
around in our early days.

Well, well, how I imagine
it would have been,

uh, before you got sick of each other.

Is there a point to this call?

Oh, no, no, no, no.

It's just nice to see a young
couple, uh, enjoying themselves.

Not that they're the couple, of course.

You're the couple, but, uh,
they are enjoying themselves,

and one of them is very naked.

Uh, and, uh, did I
mention Julia's single?

Don't... don't worry. Don't worry.

I'll keep an eye on them.
I'll keep an eye on them,

and, uh, make sure they
don't both end up naked.

[CHUCKLES] Alright, bye-bye.

[CALL ENDS]

So, what's Fin short for?

Uh, Findley.

Yeah, that means
"fair-haired Viking warrior."

Oh, that's cool.

Yeah, but, uh, people call
me, uh, Finster, Finstagram,

and Dorsalfin, uh, Findaloo.

Justin Finberlake. Fin Lizzy.

MR BLACK: Oi, Fin Lizzy?
Grab a towel, please.

I don't want your balls
touching that chair.

Hey, if you don't think it's fair
that you're naked and I'm not,

just tell me and I'll disrobe as well.

I've only got 20% body fat,
which is average for an athlete,

but for a cartoonist, it's unheard of.

Wow, that's, um, really impressive.

Uh, but, I... I think
I'm good. Thank you.

Okay, I just want you to feel
as comfortable as possible.

_

So, that interview with Dr Mike Edwards

has been confirmed for tomorrow.

Ah, nailed it.

And Thomas wants to join
our crime investigation unit.

He's sick of just being
known as the pun guy.

Tell Thomas he can F off
and form his own unit.

He's given us some cash
to sweeten the deal.

- A hundred bucks?!
- Actually, 90.

He wants 10 bucks back for lunch.

Of course he does.

No, I just think it's cool that
we've got two young people

in this house openly
expressing themselves,

and one of them is free
of the shackles of clothes.

Why are you being weird?

What's even cooler is
you're allowing it to happen.

Well, I didn't really have a say in it,

but people have been painting
nude portraits of each other

for hundreds of years without incident.

Without much incident.

Rembrandt, Rubens and Raphael
all enjoyed a few incidents.

In fact, it's rumoured that
Raphael died during an incident.

I'm sure they were the exception.

I don't think I've got
anything to worry about.

You know, Julia is not
more beautiful than you.

Now, you know I think you're a princess,

but Julia's just got a
certain worldliness

and a va-va-voom factor.

Yeah, I get it, Dad. You
want to va-va-voom Julia.

No, I just hope that Fin
doesn't va-va-voom Julia

and ruin everything that we have.

If you cared about everything we have,

you would have given us
your blessing to get married

and not suggested some vamp
from work paint Fin in the nude.

You've set this whole thing up
to drive a wedge between us.

Don't you worry about what I'm doing.

You worry about what lover boy's up to.

- Good morning.
- Hmm.

Morning.

[HUMS]

What's everyone up to today?

Interviewing a body language expert

for a series on police interrogation.

He teaches police how to tell

if the person they're
interviewing is lying.

You don't need a body
language expert for that.

If a crook has a tattoo
on his neck, he did it.

Mm...

[HUMS]

You all ready to nude up?

I know you're just making a
joke, but this whole experience

has actually been a bit of an awakening.

Sounds sexual.

Is shaving your chest
part of that awakening?

Oh, Julia says that chest hair

obscures the body's natural contours.

- Okay
- And Julia says that I have

really feline contours that
she wants to accentuate.

Feline contours. Like a pussy.

What else does Julia say?

[CHUCKLES]

Yeah, humans are essentially idiots.

Yeah, we have similar behaviour patterns

when we're in a high-stress
situation such as lying.

So, if I was to ask you a
question and... and you were

lying or hiding something from me,

you'd move your head quite quickly.

You might jerk it back or bow
it down, tilt it to one side.

What about avoiding eye contact?

[CHUCKLES] Oh, that's been debunked.

- I told you.
- Yeah.

People are happy to look
you in the eye these days

and tell you an untruth.

It's a technique they've
learned from politicians

and motor mechanics.

What are the other signs?

Touching your mouth.

Uh, covering parts of your
body that are vulnerable.

Phrase repetition.

Just out of interest, Doctor,

how do you know when two people
are attracted to each other?

Interestingly, lying and attraction
have similar patterns.

You know, rush of blood to the
face, an increased heart rate.

Basically the same sort of stuff.

- Interesting.
- Mm.

Wish me luck, Grandma.

ANGELA: How's it all
going with the portrait?

Uh, yeah, good. Really good.

Um, oh, Julia's lived in
so many amazing places.

Apparently, she used
to live in Florence.

How'd you know that?

I think Dad might have said something.

Ah, right. Well, yeah, she talks about

walking the same streets that
Michelangelo and Dante walked.

We have gotta go there one day, babe.

Maybe we can rollerblade
those streets. [CHUCKLES]

Um, hey, listen...

So, you're gonna go
with me and not Julia?

What? Of course.

Why would I go with Julia?

Ange, um, look, there's something...

I just had this weird dream last
night that you two got together.

I think Dad's putting ideas in my head.

Unless, of course, you
are gonna get together.

No way. I mean, as if we'd get together.

There's no way we'd get together.

I mean, she's not even my type.
Why... why would you think that?

No reason.

I think I'm just tired.

Yeah, me too.

I've got a massive day tomorrow.

- Posing?
- Yeah.

Right. Goodnight.

Goodnight.

I owe you an apology.

- Really?
- Yep.

I should never have
invited Julia to paint Fin.

Now, last night, I was reading
an interview with Victor Newsome,

one of Britain's most famous artists,

and he cast a dire warning
on nude portraiture.

Said Newsome, "For me,
the interest is entirely sexual."

Uh, "How can it be
otherwise? "That's the buzz."

Look, again, I am sorry
for putting your relationship

in jeopardy and for inadvertently

exposing Fin's apparent
weakness for other women

and his fetish for being
nude around strangers.

Dad, our generation doesn't panic

when our partners
decide to live their life.

We trust each other.

And, besides, Julia's a friend of yours.

She's not gonna cross me.

Mm, well, Malcolm's a
friend of mine too, isn't he?

And look how he turned
out. A Fin sympathiser.

- And look at me.
- What about you?

Well, you would have never thought

that I could cheat on
your mother, but I did.

Dad, I love you, but you're an arsehole.

- Of course you cheated on Mum.
- That's a good point.

Listen, Angie, I'm just saying,
you never really know people,

- not like you think you do.
- Well, I know Fin.

Tell me, why do you have a
security camera in your bag?

How do you know I have a
security camera in my bag?

I saw it on my security camera.

The one I keep to find dirt on Fin.

Same reason you keep yours, isn't it?

It's just for a story I'm
working on at the moment.

It's not for personal use.

Of course not.

In my opinion, the best place
for it would be between

the peacocks and the books,

but that's just my opinion.

ANGELA: [ON RECORDING]
How do you know when two people

are attracted to each other?

DR EDWARDS: Interestingly,
lying and attraction

have similar patterns.

A rush of blood to the face,
an increased heart rate.

There might be a subtle
touch of the forearm.

- Interesting.
- Mm.

Obviously, there's a bit
of mirroring happening.

When two people are
attracted to each other,

there's a bit of licking
of the lips going on.

Touching your mouth.

Uh, covering parts of your
body that are vulnerable.

But as I said, my expertise
is catching criminals.

Actual criminals, not love criminals.

Sorry, I just...

RACE CALLER: Laughing Air back a length.

Our Potato and Floral
Fever began well...

- Julia gone?
- [TURNS OFF RADIO]

Uh, I don't think so. Her
car's still in the driveway.

Right.

Do you know where they are?

Sorry, love, no. Maybe
check the bedroom.

What are you looking at?

[MOBILE DIALS]

Fin, where are you? Call
me back straight away.

Look, I wasn't going to say this,
but at one stage in the game,

Julia even offered
to get naked with him.

Yeah, you did tell me that,
and then you texted me,

and then you sent an email.

- Do you have Julia's number?
- 0491 470 159.

[MOBILE DIALS]

Julia, it's Angela Black.

I'm just looking for you and Fin.

It'd be great if you could call me
back when you're free, thanks.

Look, I was holding off on
telling you this, but, uh,

he wasn't right for you.

Dad, you told me that every
day of our relationship.

Really?

Well, I guess the important thing
is to not get down about it.

You know, remain upbeat.

You don't want to be
a drag to be around.

I just didn't think he was the kind
of guy to do this sort of thing.

Chest hair, dead giveaway.

No man with only one woman on his
mind has ever shaved his chest.

- Fact.
- Well, congrats on contriving

a situation where it was almost
impossible for him not to cheat.

My pleasure. Actually, kudos to him

because he survived all
the tests that tripped up

your previous boyfriends

and some tests that I
devised specifically for him

that I thought were un-survivable.

He did so well.

And to think I was this close to
giving the marriage my blessing.

[SCOFFS] Come off it, Dad.

You were never gonna give
this marriage your blessing.

I had decided not to get in the way

if you went and got married anyway.

Dad, if I'm ever fortunate
enough to find love again,

will you do me a massive
favour and back the F off?

Absolutely not.

Not if he's not up to scratch.

Well, good luck getting grandchildren.

We can always adopt.

We?

[FOOTSTEPS APPROACH]

Alright, now, go easy
on him, love, alright?

At least he cheated on you at home.

Didn't go to some sleazy motel.

Rooms by the hour. Yuck.

[GUITAR PLAYS]

I think you might have
left something at home.

How did you know it was
mine and not Dad's?

Because I found your Dad's
yesterday, in the same spot.

Ange, I can't believe
you didn't trust me.

You displayed the body
language traits of a liar

when I asked if you
were attracted to Julia,

and you displayed the body
language traits of a flirt

when I was spying on you
via the hidden camera.

Yeah, well, you shouldn't
have been spying on me

with the hidden camera
in the first place.

And body language experts are
about as reliable as astrologists.

I thought you believed in astrology.

Oh, right, yeah, turn it back on me.

- Classic Sagittarian.
- Well, you do, don't you?

Well, I actually don't know
what to believe anymore.

What I can't believe is that you
would think I would cheat on you.

Ange, I want to marry you.

We'd be engaged by now

if you didn't care so much
about your dad's blessing.

Why don't you forget about my dad?

I can't forget about your dad

because he's watching me
every minute of every day,

trying to trip me up with
one of his stupid tests.

I think we're strong enough
to survive without his blessing.

Did you see the portrait?

Yeah.

Thoughts?

It's lovely.

Who is it supposed to be?

Yeah, I think Malcolm might have
gone a bit hard with the tan.

Actually, Julia did another one.

It's, um... more of a... a proposal

of something bigger
than a finished work.

Angela Black...

will you marry me?

Ah, ah, don't do it. Don't do it.

Let's talk about this. Please?

- Yes.
- [GROANS]

[SIGHS]

Well, don't expect me
to reach for the pocket.

[GIGGLES]

You couldn't put your clothes
back on for this one?

We were on a really tight deadline.

So, with the one large, will it be cash

or will you transfer it
directly into my account?

Well, how would you like it?

Ah, either way is fine,
as long as I get it.

Apparently, I've got a
wedding to pay for.

Or not.

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