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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:50,678 --> 00:00:55,678 Subtitles by explosiveskull www.OpenSubtitles.org 2 00:00:56,881 --> 00:00:58,381 MAN: I don't know what the fuck is going on 3 00:00:58,383 --> 00:01:00,147 in this country, man! 4 00:01:00,149 --> 00:01:02,481 Every day I turn on the TV, 5 00:01:02,483 --> 00:01:06,348 and I see these fucking freaks marching for their rights! 6 00:01:06,350 --> 00:01:08,281 (PEOPLE MURMURING) 7 00:01:08,283 --> 00:01:10,047 What about our rights? 8 00:01:10,049 --> 00:01:11,814 (PEOPLE SHOUTING IN AGREEMENT) 9 00:01:11,816 --> 00:01:14,214 This is our time to show the world 10 00:01:14,216 --> 00:01:16,248 that we are not just an online movement! 11 00:01:16,250 --> 00:01:18,147 (PEOPLE SHOUTING IN AGREEMENT) 12 00:01:18,149 --> 00:01:19,314 We're growing physically! 13 00:01:19,316 --> 00:01:22,014 This is our time to assert ourselves 14 00:01:22,016 --> 00:01:24,047 as the true voice of America! 15 00:01:24,049 --> 00:01:26,214 MEN: (SHOUTING) Yeah! 16 00:01:26,216 --> 00:01:27,481 Yes, let's do that! 17 00:01:27,483 --> 00:01:30,147 MAN: Now, you may have noticed 18 00:01:30,149 --> 00:01:32,348 that our friend Aryan Grande 19 00:01:32,350 --> 00:01:34,081 has brought in a new recruit. 20 00:01:34,083 --> 00:01:36,847 FucktheJews82. Welcome, brother! 21 00:01:36,849 --> 00:01:38,750 ALL: Yeah! 22 00:01:39,817 --> 00:01:41,880 Hi. Heil. Heil, everybody. 23 00:01:41,882 --> 00:01:43,815 White power. Obviously. 24 00:01:43,817 --> 00:01:46,847 Been a big fan of you guys for a while. 25 00:01:46,849 --> 00:01:48,014 Since World War II, really. 26 00:01:48,016 --> 00:01:52,114 That's when you made your big entrance, on the scene. 27 00:01:52,116 --> 00:01:55,450 And, uh... Yeah. Just, um, in closing... 28 00:01:56,550 --> 00:01:58,847 - Fuck the Jews! - ALL: (SHOUT) Yeah! 29 00:01:58,849 --> 00:02:00,882 - Welcome! - (ALL GRUNT) 30 00:02:02,882 --> 00:02:04,047 Let's fucking party! 31 00:02:04,049 --> 00:02:05,914 (ALL YELLING AND CHEERING) 32 00:02:05,916 --> 00:02:07,916 (HARD ROCK MUSIC PLAYING) 33 00:02:13,816 --> 00:02:16,381 So you guys are, like, pretty active on social media, right? 34 00:02:16,383 --> 00:02:17,515 MEN: Yeah. 35 00:02:17,517 --> 00:02:19,549 How many times a day would you say you tweet on average? 36 00:02:19,551 --> 00:02:22,147 - Hey, FTJ! - FRED: Yo! 37 00:02:22,149 --> 00:02:24,482 You said you wanted a swastika tattoo. 38 00:02:24,484 --> 00:02:25,816 Now's your chance. 39 00:02:26,916 --> 00:02:29,382 Yeah, you know, I've been thinking about it. I'm cool. 40 00:02:29,384 --> 00:02:32,049 Come on, man. We all got 'em! 41 00:02:39,283 --> 00:02:40,947 You guys want me to get a swastika tattoo? 42 00:02:40,949 --> 00:02:42,349 MEN: Yeah! 43 00:02:42,351 --> 00:02:44,149 I will get a swastika tattoo. 44 00:02:44,849 --> 00:02:46,248 Um... 45 00:02:46,250 --> 00:02:47,417 Yeah. 46 00:02:50,016 --> 00:02:52,183 Hey, take over, man. I got to take a piss. 47 00:02:52,983 --> 00:02:53,880 (TATTOO MACHINE BUZZING) 48 00:02:53,882 --> 00:02:55,814 Super cool, guys. Thank you for this. 49 00:02:55,816 --> 00:02:56,983 This is really exciting. 50 00:02:58,149 --> 00:03:00,349 All right, here we go! 51 00:03:00,351 --> 00:03:01,814 (CHUCKLES) 52 00:03:01,816 --> 00:03:03,981 Ooh, right! Yeah! 53 00:03:03,983 --> 00:03:05,449 - (GRUNTS) - That hurt? 54 00:03:05,451 --> 00:03:07,451 On many levels. Yes. 55 00:03:09,217 --> 00:03:10,284 (SOFTLY) Fuck! 56 00:03:11,117 --> 00:03:13,284 Hey! This you? 57 00:03:14,417 --> 00:03:16,117 You're a journalist? 58 00:03:17,117 --> 00:03:18,382 Yeah! 59 00:03:18,384 --> 00:03:21,014 We all got to be fucking journalists in this day and age, 60 00:03:21,016 --> 00:03:23,947 mainstream media not covering our side of the story! 61 00:03:23,949 --> 00:03:25,981 His name is Fred Flarsky. 62 00:03:25,983 --> 00:03:27,549 He writes for the Brooklyn Advocate. 63 00:03:27,551 --> 00:03:30,215 - He's a fucking Jew! - What? 64 00:03:30,217 --> 00:03:32,849 Look, look, look. Okay, okay, okay. Hey! 65 00:03:35,184 --> 00:03:36,048 What are you doing here? 66 00:03:36,050 --> 00:03:37,515 You're here to fucking embarrass us, huh? 67 00:03:37,517 --> 00:03:39,482 - Who sent you? - (STAMMERS) No one sent me! 68 00:03:39,484 --> 00:03:41,249 It's okay. I'm... I'm... 69 00:03:41,251 --> 00:03:43,982 He's been recording us the whole time! 70 00:03:43,984 --> 00:03:46,482 Fucking shit, man! You infiltrated our group! 71 00:03:46,484 --> 00:03:48,382 You're gonna fucking die! 72 00:03:48,384 --> 00:03:49,282 How do you turn this thing off? 73 00:03:49,284 --> 00:03:51,117 The fucking red button, right there, man! 74 00:03:52,217 --> 00:03:53,749 (MEN CLAMORING) 75 00:03:55,317 --> 00:03:56,850 - (GLASS SHATTERS) - (GRUNTING) 76 00:03:58,184 --> 00:03:59,883 Holy shit! 77 00:04:01,883 --> 00:04:03,217 (GROANING LOUDLY) 78 00:04:06,317 --> 00:04:09,815 Yeah! (LAUGHS) 79 00:04:09,817 --> 00:04:12,150 (GROANS) Not only did I escape... 80 00:04:13,551 --> 00:04:15,582 I held onto my phone! 81 00:04:15,584 --> 00:04:17,850 Yes! Ow! 82 00:04:18,251 --> 00:04:20,249 (GROANS) 83 00:04:20,251 --> 00:04:22,015 I trusted you, man! 84 00:04:22,017 --> 00:04:23,582 Yeah, well... 85 00:04:23,584 --> 00:04:26,251 Jews win this round, motherfucker! 86 00:04:27,017 --> 00:04:29,282 Peace! Ow. 87 00:04:29,284 --> 00:04:30,881 NEWSCASTER: Tonight on Wembley News, 88 00:04:30,883 --> 00:04:33,115 we take an in-depth look at Charlotte Field, 89 00:04:33,117 --> 00:04:35,915 a Rhodes Scholar, a Pulitzer winner, 90 00:04:35,917 --> 00:04:38,583 and protege of President Chambers, 91 00:04:38,585 --> 00:04:40,482 who tapped Field two years ago 92 00:04:40,484 --> 00:04:42,948 to be the youngest secretary of state 93 00:04:42,950 --> 00:04:44,349 in the history of this nation. 94 00:04:44,351 --> 00:04:46,815 And honestly, looking hotter than usual. 95 00:04:46,817 --> 00:04:48,583 Now, people are gonna say that's sexist, 96 00:04:48,585 --> 00:04:50,583 but, she's just hot! 97 00:04:50,585 --> 00:04:52,082 NEWSCASTER 2: You know, when we talk about women in this way, 98 00:04:52,084 --> 00:04:53,815 it is because we respect them so much, 99 00:04:53,817 --> 00:04:55,249 and we start with their body. 100 00:04:55,251 --> 00:04:56,950 - (ALL LAUGH ON TV) - You two are terrible. 101 00:05:31,133 --> 00:05:33,000 - Good night, Steven. - Good night, Madam Secretary. 102 00:05:37,334 --> 00:05:39,265 Sorry for the late call, Mr. Foreign Minister. 103 00:05:39,267 --> 00:05:40,365 Long day. 104 00:05:40,367 --> 00:05:41,833 Three bilaterals. (SIGHS) 105 00:05:41,835 --> 00:05:44,599 Listen, we're not going to be able to do it. 106 00:05:44,601 --> 00:05:46,833 There's just not enough traction around this thing. 107 00:05:46,835 --> 00:05:49,833 I believe in it, it's just... I don't have Congress support. 108 00:05:49,835 --> 00:05:51,532 I don't have the American people's support. 109 00:05:51,534 --> 00:05:53,600 I know you and I don't like it, Chuck, 110 00:05:53,602 --> 00:05:55,332 but you know who likes it? 111 00:05:55,334 --> 00:05:58,566 88% of college-educated Americans over 45. 112 00:05:58,568 --> 00:06:00,131 Likely voters. 113 00:06:00,133 --> 00:06:02,400 That's Gallup. We have to make this happen. 114 00:06:11,768 --> 00:06:12,768 (WATER SPLASHING) 115 00:06:19,702 --> 00:06:21,067 (SIGHS) 116 00:06:23,535 --> 00:06:25,800 (ALARM BLARING) 117 00:06:25,802 --> 00:06:27,167 (GASPS) 118 00:06:29,368 --> 00:06:31,234 (TV PLAYING INDISTINCTLY) 119 00:06:37,535 --> 00:06:40,766 Well, I wouldn't call the president inexperienced. 120 00:06:40,768 --> 00:06:42,333 I mean, he did play a president 121 00:06:42,335 --> 00:06:46,165 on a very popular television show for over a decade. 122 00:06:46,167 --> 00:06:48,399 You don't get six Golden Globe nominations 123 00:06:48,401 --> 00:06:50,500 without being pretty convincing. 124 00:06:50,502 --> 00:06:53,065 Um, I do think I'm funny. 125 00:06:53,067 --> 00:06:54,832 I'm sorry, I thought this interview was about 126 00:06:54,834 --> 00:06:57,299 promoting democracy in Eastern Europe. 127 00:06:57,301 --> 00:06:59,098 All right, next one's BBC. 128 00:06:59,100 --> 00:07:00,466 Would you be asking a male cabinet member 129 00:07:00,468 --> 00:07:02,133 what products they use in their hair? 130 00:07:02,735 --> 00:07:04,399 I'm just kidding. 131 00:07:04,401 --> 00:07:06,799 No, it's olive oil and mayonnaise. 132 00:07:06,801 --> 00:07:09,266 I know. So cheap. So much shine. 133 00:07:09,268 --> 00:07:10,668 (EXHALING) 134 00:07:12,268 --> 00:07:14,199 Good morning, Mr. President. 135 00:07:14,201 --> 00:07:15,702 (QUIETLY) Good morning, Mr. President. 136 00:07:17,268 --> 00:07:19,633 Good morning, Mr. President. 137 00:07:19,635 --> 00:07:21,566 - Good morning, Mr. President. - (TV PLAYING) 138 00:07:21,568 --> 00:07:23,166 Oh, hey, Charlotte. 139 00:07:23,168 --> 00:07:26,233 You caught me watching my show. (LAUGHS) 140 00:07:26,235 --> 00:07:29,166 Mr. President. We still recommend Option C. 141 00:07:29,168 --> 00:07:32,166 I am not nuking a tsunami! 142 00:07:32,168 --> 00:07:34,299 Oh, here it is. 143 00:07:34,301 --> 00:07:35,799 (SPEAKING ALONG TO TV) Not now... 144 00:07:35,801 --> 00:07:37,500 Not today. 145 00:07:37,502 --> 00:07:39,132 Not in my house. 146 00:07:39,134 --> 00:07:41,366 Yes! (LAUGHING) I love that! 147 00:07:41,368 --> 00:07:43,233 (LAUGHS) Oh, me too. 148 00:07:43,235 --> 00:07:45,299 Anyway, that's not why I called you here. 149 00:07:45,301 --> 00:07:46,635 (EXHALING) 150 00:07:47,435 --> 00:07:48,668 (SIGHS) Charlotte. 151 00:07:49,235 --> 00:07:50,266 Yes, sir? 152 00:07:50,268 --> 00:07:53,266 (CLICKS TONGUE) I will not be seeking reelection. 153 00:07:53,268 --> 00:07:54,566 Really? 154 00:07:54,568 --> 00:07:56,333 Look, I know it's crazy, 155 00:07:56,335 --> 00:07:58,366 because I'm only halfway through my first term. 156 00:07:58,368 --> 00:08:01,433 And you're incredibly popular, sir. 157 00:08:01,435 --> 00:08:03,533 And I want to use that popularity 158 00:08:03,535 --> 00:08:07,066 to transition into something 159 00:08:07,068 --> 00:08:09,401 more prestigious than the presidency. 160 00:08:10,635 --> 00:08:13,366 I wanna make it in the movies. 161 00:08:13,368 --> 00:08:16,533 You're going to leave 162 00:08:16,535 --> 00:08:19,266 the Presidency to go be in movies? 163 00:08:19,268 --> 00:08:21,500 - I know. It's gonna be tough. - Ah... 164 00:08:21,502 --> 00:08:24,166 Only like, 10 guys have made that jump 165 00:08:24,168 --> 00:08:26,099 from TV to film. 166 00:08:26,101 --> 00:08:28,600 Woody Harrelson, George Clooney... 167 00:08:28,602 --> 00:08:30,299 Might be... Might be just two. 168 00:08:30,301 --> 00:08:33,667 I... Mr. President, have you 169 00:08:33,669 --> 00:08:37,533 given any consideration as to whom you might endorse? 170 00:08:37,535 --> 00:08:39,601 I'm sure you're probably thinking of McNichol 171 00:08:39,603 --> 00:08:43,199 or Crowly. Strong choices. 172 00:08:43,201 --> 00:08:47,034 So strange, because I was considering a run in 2024. 173 00:08:47,802 --> 00:08:49,335 And I've been vetted. 174 00:08:50,068 --> 00:08:51,800 So that's all done. 175 00:08:51,802 --> 00:08:55,235 And I can't stop thinking about what... 176 00:08:56,468 --> 00:08:58,469 What it would do for your legacy 177 00:08:59,603 --> 00:09:01,636 to endorse the first female president. 178 00:09:03,536 --> 00:09:05,201 I mean... Wow. 179 00:09:05,636 --> 00:09:06,636 That's a legacy. 180 00:09:10,168 --> 00:09:11,400 - Charlotte? - Hmm? 181 00:09:11,402 --> 00:09:13,666 I would like to endorse you 182 00:09:13,668 --> 00:09:16,268 to be the next president of the United States. 183 00:09:18,301 --> 00:09:22,066 I mean, if you think that's a good idea, sir, I trust you. 184 00:09:22,068 --> 00:09:24,733 I'd... I'd be honored. 185 00:09:24,735 --> 00:09:28,666 I'm gonna be pulling for Team Charlotte. Right? 186 00:09:28,668 --> 00:09:30,603 Because you've been a great secretary. 187 00:09:31,302 --> 00:09:32,501 ...of state. 188 00:09:32,503 --> 00:09:34,800 Whatever. It's a cool job. 189 00:09:34,802 --> 00:09:37,166 And, um, you've done it well. 190 00:09:37,168 --> 00:09:39,666 - Thank you, sir. - So stay focused. 191 00:09:39,668 --> 00:09:41,200 Don't make any major screw-ups. 192 00:09:41,202 --> 00:09:42,467 Don't kill any hookers. 193 00:09:42,469 --> 00:09:43,766 - (BOTH LAUGH) - Probably not a problem for you. 194 00:09:43,768 --> 00:09:45,367 I don't know what you're into. Whatever. 195 00:09:45,369 --> 00:09:47,234 And before you know it... 196 00:09:47,236 --> 00:09:49,402 (HUMMING) 197 00:09:50,269 --> 00:09:51,400 I like the sound of that. 198 00:09:51,402 --> 00:09:53,601 ♪ Hey, here she comes 199 00:09:53,603 --> 00:09:55,534 ♪ It's the first lady president 200 00:09:55,536 --> 00:09:58,267 ♪ Who can believe that she's actually a woman 201 00:09:58,269 --> 00:09:59,800 Thank you, sir. 202 00:09:59,802 --> 00:10:04,536 ♪ She's got a big brain And a couple other assets ♪ 203 00:10:07,236 --> 00:10:08,300 TOUR GUIDE: Oh, and here we see 204 00:10:08,302 --> 00:10:10,100 Secretary of State Charlotte Field. 205 00:10:10,102 --> 00:10:11,334 Good morning. 206 00:10:11,336 --> 00:10:12,633 (TOUR GUIDE CONTINUES SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY) 207 00:10:12,635 --> 00:10:14,001 (QUIETLY) Yes! 208 00:10:18,069 --> 00:10:20,766 So the headline is, "You're in great shape." 209 00:10:20,768 --> 00:10:23,434 - Ninety-two, that's good. - Really good. 210 00:10:23,436 --> 00:10:25,133 - Yeah. - KATHERINE: And now, keep in mind 211 00:10:25,135 --> 00:10:27,666 that these are numbers for a female candidate. 212 00:10:27,668 --> 00:10:31,067 If you were a man, you'd be in the 192nd percentile. 213 00:10:31,069 --> 00:10:33,234 - Well, that seems about right. - Yeah. 214 00:10:33,236 --> 00:10:35,334 'Cause the man... Okay. 215 00:10:35,336 --> 00:10:38,367 Um, your sense of humor is 82, 216 00:10:38,369 --> 00:10:40,633 which is solid. It's solid. 217 00:10:40,635 --> 00:10:42,733 But, you know, we wouldn't mind seeing those numbers 218 00:10:42,735 --> 00:10:45,100 go up a few points, or more. 219 00:10:45,102 --> 00:10:47,300 So, I'm going to get some writing samples from 220 00:10:47,302 --> 00:10:48,834 - some funny speech writers. - Great. 221 00:10:48,836 --> 00:10:52,167 I am really interested in knowing how people feel 222 00:10:52,169 --> 00:10:54,100 - about my accomplishments. - Yeah. 223 00:10:54,102 --> 00:10:55,733 Right. You know, so we don't 224 00:10:55,735 --> 00:10:59,734 drill down on specific policies. 225 00:10:59,736 --> 00:11:02,834 And that's only because people don't seem to care. 226 00:11:02,836 --> 00:11:04,234 That's interesting. 227 00:11:04,236 --> 00:11:07,600 With that said, if you could broker some deal 228 00:11:07,602 --> 00:11:09,133 that gets you out there talking 229 00:11:09,135 --> 00:11:10,501 about a thing that you feel 230 00:11:10,503 --> 00:11:12,633 really strongly about, that would be great. 231 00:11:12,635 --> 00:11:13,566 CHARLOTTE: Well, that's perfect. 232 00:11:13,568 --> 00:11:15,667 I mean, we've been looking for an opening 233 00:11:15,669 --> 00:11:17,602 to start a conversation about the environment. 234 00:11:18,402 --> 00:11:21,067 (CHUCKLES) All right. 235 00:11:21,069 --> 00:11:23,834 Romantically, if I may... 236 00:11:23,836 --> 00:11:26,834 Remember the stir online 237 00:11:26,836 --> 00:11:29,434 when the Canadian Prime Minister and you 238 00:11:29,436 --> 00:11:31,334 were seated next to each other 239 00:11:31,336 --> 00:11:32,834 at The Global Business Forum? 240 00:11:32,836 --> 00:11:34,234 Mmm-hmm. 241 00:11:34,236 --> 00:11:36,367 A relationship like that 242 00:11:36,369 --> 00:11:39,135 would push you into the high 90s. 243 00:11:39,569 --> 00:11:42,200 High 90s? Wow. 244 00:11:42,202 --> 00:11:43,536 KATHERINE: That brings us to... 245 00:11:47,269 --> 00:11:49,200 CHARLOTTE: What's wrong with my wave? 246 00:11:49,202 --> 00:11:51,200 Um, I think people feel that 247 00:11:51,202 --> 00:11:54,234 that level of elbow movement is, um... 248 00:11:54,236 --> 00:11:55,734 It stresses people out. 249 00:11:55,736 --> 00:11:58,734 You know what? It's just an area for improvement. 250 00:11:58,736 --> 00:12:00,501 Okay, fine, I'll work on the wave. 251 00:12:00,503 --> 00:12:02,370 (INDISTINCT CHATTER) 252 00:12:04,736 --> 00:12:06,368 - Hey. - BOSS: Hey, Fred. 253 00:12:06,370 --> 00:12:09,069 You're gonna love this. I almost died. 254 00:12:09,503 --> 00:12:11,100 You got a second? 255 00:12:11,102 --> 00:12:13,767 - Yeah. - Come on. 256 00:12:13,769 --> 00:12:16,267 I actually have some really great news. 257 00:12:16,269 --> 00:12:18,435 - Really? Cool. - Yes. (CHUCKLES) 258 00:12:18,437 --> 00:12:20,767 We were just bought by Wembley Media. 259 00:12:20,769 --> 00:12:22,734 - What? - Yeah. 260 00:12:22,736 --> 00:12:23,634 Are you fucking kidding me? 261 00:12:23,636 --> 00:12:25,100 I knew you'd have a harsh reaction... 262 00:12:25,102 --> 00:12:26,268 A harsh reaction? 263 00:12:26,270 --> 00:12:27,701 - Fred, this is a good thing. - How? 264 00:12:27,703 --> 00:12:29,301 The fucker represents everything 265 00:12:29,303 --> 00:12:30,767 that we've been fighting against since day one! 266 00:12:30,769 --> 00:12:33,667 The whole point of this paper is to fight giant media conglomerates. 267 00:12:33,669 --> 00:12:35,467 Now we've been bought by a giant media conglomerate. 268 00:12:35,469 --> 00:12:37,734 - I do see the irony. - Irony? 269 00:12:37,736 --> 00:12:40,401 He's gonna turn this place into a propaganda machine. 270 00:12:40,403 --> 00:12:42,268 Not the good kind, that's right! 271 00:12:42,270 --> 00:12:44,067 - (STAMMERS) - The bad kind, that's wrong! 272 00:12:44,069 --> 00:12:45,435 Well, we're out of options. 273 00:12:45,437 --> 00:12:47,168 We've been running as long as we can 274 00:12:47,170 --> 00:12:49,567 on ads for weed doctors and escorts. 275 00:12:49,569 --> 00:12:51,667 Let's get penis enlargement ads, too. 276 00:12:51,669 --> 00:12:53,134 No one likes their dick. 277 00:12:53,136 --> 00:12:55,101 - Come on, Fred. - This Wembley guy, 278 00:12:55,103 --> 00:12:57,634 he ran fake stories to help get Chambers elected. 279 00:12:57,636 --> 00:12:58,601 No, they couldn't prove that. 280 00:12:58,603 --> 00:13:00,801 We proved it! I wrote three articles about it! 281 00:13:00,803 --> 00:13:02,701 - You published them! - I did. 282 00:13:02,703 --> 00:13:05,401 The shit that comes out of this fucking guy's mouth... 283 00:13:05,403 --> 00:13:08,101 He said hurricanes were caused by gay marriage. 284 00:13:08,103 --> 00:13:09,701 I don't even get how that fucking works. 285 00:13:09,703 --> 00:13:11,301 I don't even get the math on that one. 286 00:13:11,303 --> 00:13:13,368 - Fred, it's done, all right? - It's done? 287 00:13:13,370 --> 00:13:16,834 They're upstairs finalizing the deal right now. (SIGHS) 288 00:13:16,836 --> 00:13:19,601 Look, we have to cut two-thirds of our staff. 289 00:13:19,603 --> 00:13:21,634 - Two-thirds? - Yeah. 290 00:13:21,636 --> 00:13:24,068 But we wanna keep you on. They wanna keep you on. 291 00:13:24,070 --> 00:13:25,467 It's just... 292 00:13:25,469 --> 00:13:27,368 You just have to tone it down a little bit. 293 00:13:27,370 --> 00:13:28,835 I don't know how I can tone things down 294 00:13:28,837 --> 00:13:30,501 any more than I'm toning them down. 295 00:13:30,503 --> 00:13:32,501 Okay, Fred. You're a great writer. 296 00:13:32,503 --> 00:13:33,667 - Thank you. - All right, you're funny, 297 00:13:33,669 --> 00:13:35,368 you take risks, you connect with people. 298 00:13:35,370 --> 00:13:36,634 I'm sensing a twist in this. 299 00:13:36,636 --> 00:13:38,636 You have a distinct, authentic voice, but... 300 00:13:39,769 --> 00:13:41,634 Sometimes you're a little too much. 301 00:13:41,636 --> 00:13:42,667 I don't think I am too much! 302 00:13:42,669 --> 00:13:45,168 I actually think I'm the perfect right portion. 303 00:13:45,170 --> 00:13:46,667 Look, you have your job. 304 00:13:46,669 --> 00:13:49,501 Okay, focus on that and just toe the line a little bit. 305 00:13:49,503 --> 00:13:51,101 You know what? I quit. 306 00:13:51,103 --> 00:13:52,235 Oh, come on, Fred. 307 00:13:52,237 --> 00:13:54,235 You should quit, too. Everyone should fucking quit. 308 00:13:54,237 --> 00:13:56,168 No, I'm not gonna quit, I need my job. 309 00:13:56,170 --> 00:13:58,268 I need my fucking job, too. I'm broke, man! 310 00:13:58,270 --> 00:13:59,668 But I can't work for that guy. 311 00:13:59,670 --> 00:14:02,068 At least let me fire you so you can get unemployment. 312 00:14:02,070 --> 00:14:04,134 No fucking way! 313 00:14:04,136 --> 00:14:06,268 I want him to know that I quit. 314 00:14:06,270 --> 00:14:08,602 He's never gonna know it, he's never heard of you. 315 00:14:08,604 --> 00:14:11,168 You're gonna destroy your life to spite a guy who's never heard of you? 316 00:14:11,170 --> 00:14:12,735 Yes! You said it best! 317 00:14:12,737 --> 00:14:13,902 That's exactly what I'm doing. 318 00:14:13,904 --> 00:14:16,702 You're making bad decisions and it's bumming me out, man. 319 00:14:16,704 --> 00:14:18,168 Well, that makes two of us. 320 00:14:18,170 --> 00:14:21,735 Fuck this. Journalism died today, people. 321 00:14:21,737 --> 00:14:24,702 Yes, hello, this is, uh, Fred Flarsky. 322 00:14:24,704 --> 00:14:26,635 Um... I, uh, 323 00:14:26,637 --> 00:14:28,201 was just calling to say that I was forced 324 00:14:28,203 --> 00:14:29,467 to quit my job recently, 325 00:14:29,469 --> 00:14:31,168 making me something of a free agent. 326 00:14:31,170 --> 00:14:32,735 And I know in the past, uh, 327 00:14:32,737 --> 00:14:35,435 you said I'm not exactly what The Times was looking for, 328 00:14:35,437 --> 00:14:38,101 but I was just calling to see if anything's changed. 329 00:14:38,103 --> 00:14:40,235 Uh, just give me a ring. Thank you so much. 330 00:14:40,237 --> 00:14:42,437 Yo, Lance. It's Fred. Um... 331 00:14:44,170 --> 00:14:45,468 I lost my job and I'm very sad. 332 00:14:45,470 --> 00:14:47,068 Can I come by? 333 00:14:47,070 --> 00:14:48,403 (INDISTINCT CHATTER) 334 00:14:52,403 --> 00:14:53,668 LANCE: We need to schedule a meeting 335 00:14:53,670 --> 00:14:55,668 and see what they have to say. 336 00:14:55,670 --> 00:14:57,203 Excuse me. 337 00:14:58,370 --> 00:15:01,168 Man, I can't believe they did you like that. 338 00:15:01,170 --> 00:15:02,802 It's fucked up. I'm pissed. 339 00:15:02,804 --> 00:15:04,735 But you're gonna feel a lot better, man, we're leaving. 340 00:15:04,737 --> 00:15:06,435 You can leave work right now? 341 00:15:06,437 --> 00:15:08,502 Yeah, I can fucking leave. You see this corner office? 342 00:15:08,504 --> 00:15:09,768 That's a "I can leave this bitch 343 00:15:09,770 --> 00:15:11,735 "whenever I want" corner office. 344 00:15:11,737 --> 00:15:13,271 Come on, man. Everybody! 345 00:15:14,437 --> 00:15:16,168 This is my best friend, 346 00:15:16,170 --> 00:15:17,702 and he just lost his job today. 347 00:15:17,704 --> 00:15:19,568 All right? He's at rock bottom. 348 00:15:19,570 --> 00:15:21,768 - It's not that bad. - He feels like shit. 349 00:15:21,770 --> 00:15:23,435 And I'm gonna make him feel better. 350 00:15:23,437 --> 00:15:25,134 It's been a tradition since we were in college, 351 00:15:25,136 --> 00:15:26,502 when one of us feels sad, 352 00:15:26,504 --> 00:15:28,236 the other one has to get him fucked up. 353 00:15:28,238 --> 00:15:32,401 I'm talking Britney Spears, mid-2000s bald head, 354 00:15:32,403 --> 00:15:34,668 almost dropping the baby fucked up. 355 00:15:34,670 --> 00:15:36,768 No judgement. No judgement. 356 00:15:36,770 --> 00:15:39,135 I need my schedule cleared, Zander. 357 00:15:39,137 --> 00:15:40,236 I don't want to do shit. 358 00:15:40,238 --> 00:15:42,468 I'm going off-grid till tomorrow. 359 00:15:42,470 --> 00:15:43,537 Matter of fact... 360 00:15:44,637 --> 00:15:46,568 - Everybody's got the day off. - (ALL CHEER) 361 00:15:46,570 --> 00:15:49,069 Everybody's got the day off. Y'all got the day off. 362 00:15:49,071 --> 00:15:50,169 Everybody, go home. 363 00:15:50,171 --> 00:15:52,835 I'm so appreciative of all of you guys' hard work. 364 00:15:52,837 --> 00:15:54,568 I love every single one of you. 365 00:15:54,570 --> 00:15:55,635 Except you, Ted! 366 00:15:55,637 --> 00:15:58,735 Bagel Friday is for everybody, Ted! 367 00:15:58,737 --> 00:16:00,835 You don't think we know you taking the bagels? 368 00:16:00,837 --> 00:16:02,202 WOMAN: Yeah, Ted, not cool. 369 00:16:02,204 --> 00:16:03,135 - Zander. - ZANDER: Yeah? 370 00:16:03,137 --> 00:16:05,368 I need two cans of the Pamplemousse LaCroix. 371 00:16:05,370 --> 00:16:06,602 - ZANDER: Uh-huh. - I need that filled 372 00:16:06,604 --> 00:16:09,135 with Johnnie Walker Blue and CBD oil. 373 00:16:09,137 --> 00:16:10,303 Do you want one? 374 00:16:11,670 --> 00:16:13,335 FRED: I got fucked, man. 375 00:16:13,337 --> 00:16:16,069 Yeah, you got fucked like a stepmom on Pornhub. 376 00:16:16,071 --> 00:16:17,235 Well, it happens to everybody. 377 00:16:17,237 --> 00:16:19,169 I've been unemployed before, it sucks. 378 00:16:19,171 --> 00:16:20,435 But I didn't ask for any handouts. 379 00:16:20,437 --> 00:16:23,235 I picked myself up by my bootstraps and got to it. 380 00:16:23,237 --> 00:16:24,668 Where are we going right now? 381 00:16:24,670 --> 00:16:26,468 Best day ever, Fred. Don't worry about it. 382 00:16:26,470 --> 00:16:28,635 I've got this dope afternoon planned for us. 383 00:16:28,637 --> 00:16:30,435 First we're going to finish these Pamplemousse's. 384 00:16:30,437 --> 00:16:31,401 Play at the park. 385 00:16:31,403 --> 00:16:33,435 After that we're going to go to Peter Luger's, 386 00:16:33,437 --> 00:16:34,602 get you a nice fat steak, 387 00:16:34,604 --> 00:16:37,301 and then finish it off with a World Wildlife Fund benefit. 388 00:16:37,303 --> 00:16:38,668 I don't know if I want to go to some 389 00:16:38,670 --> 00:16:40,235 fancy rich person party. 390 00:16:40,237 --> 00:16:41,568 What... Oh, come on, man, 391 00:16:41,570 --> 00:16:43,169 don't be so judgmental, all right? 392 00:16:43,171 --> 00:16:45,568 It's free booze and there'll be pandas and shit. 393 00:16:45,570 --> 00:16:48,102 - People love pandas and shit. - I don't know. 394 00:16:48,104 --> 00:16:49,335 All right, fine, Fred. 395 00:16:49,337 --> 00:16:50,736 Then just do nothing. All right? 396 00:16:50,738 --> 00:16:52,669 Go home, do nothing. 397 00:16:52,671 --> 00:16:55,237 And don't kick it with your best friend and Boyz II Men. 398 00:16:56,370 --> 00:16:57,603 Say what? 399 00:16:57,605 --> 00:16:59,335 Oh, yeah. 400 00:16:59,337 --> 00:17:00,803 Boyz II Men is bringing their timeless blend 401 00:17:00,805 --> 00:17:04,069 of R&B, hip-hop and new jack swing to the party. 402 00:17:04,071 --> 00:17:06,069 I thought you would like to be there. 403 00:17:06,071 --> 00:17:07,769 Bo-bo-bo-Boyz II Men? 404 00:17:07,771 --> 00:17:10,836 ♪ Motownphilly's back again 405 00:17:10,838 --> 00:17:11,936 (VOCALIZING) 406 00:17:11,938 --> 00:17:12,836 That's what I'm talking about, man. Let's do this shit. 407 00:17:12,838 --> 00:17:14,803 Okay, let's have fun. What a fun day. 408 00:17:14,805 --> 00:17:16,769 - (BIG BAND MUSIC PLAYING) - (INDISTINCT CHATTER) 409 00:17:16,771 --> 00:17:20,401 CHARLOTTE: I am so hungry, it's insane. 410 00:17:20,403 --> 00:17:21,636 Why didn't you PowerBar me? 411 00:17:21,638 --> 00:17:23,135 I tried, you pushed my hand away. 412 00:17:23,137 --> 00:17:24,301 Oh. 413 00:17:24,303 --> 00:17:27,301 Skewered foods. I can't eat skewered foods gracefully. 414 00:17:27,303 --> 00:17:28,703 I look like a fucking caveman. 415 00:17:28,705 --> 00:17:30,469 Yeah, and there are cameras everywhere. 416 00:17:30,471 --> 00:17:32,301 That's really gonna hurt your elegance score. 417 00:17:32,303 --> 00:17:33,371 That's my best score. 418 00:17:37,771 --> 00:17:39,703 Fuck! It's all skewered foods. 419 00:17:39,705 --> 00:17:41,369 I'm gonna take the chicken off the skewers. 420 00:17:41,371 --> 00:17:43,301 - Take it off... - Quickly. Quickly. 421 00:17:43,303 --> 00:17:45,268 Why do they make this so difficult... 422 00:17:45,270 --> 00:17:47,603 Oh. I'm sorry, sir. I apologize. 423 00:17:47,605 --> 00:17:50,168 - Jesus fucking Christ. - Can't do things... 424 00:17:50,170 --> 00:17:52,134 Just make a fucking... Make a wall. Make a wall. 425 00:17:52,136 --> 00:17:54,004 - Yup. Yes. - CHARLOTTE: Do you have it? 426 00:17:57,170 --> 00:17:58,769 Good. Good, good, good, good. 427 00:17:58,771 --> 00:18:00,571 (MUFFLED) Oh, my God, it's really good chicken. 428 00:18:02,204 --> 00:18:03,769 James Steward is approaching. James Steward is approaching. 429 00:18:03,771 --> 00:18:04,836 What? 430 00:18:04,838 --> 00:18:06,603 Okay, he's about nine feet away. 431 00:18:06,605 --> 00:18:08,636 His dick is probably about seven feet away. 432 00:18:08,638 --> 00:18:10,402 - (WHISPERS) Maggie! - MAGGIE: Six feet away. 433 00:18:10,404 --> 00:18:12,271 Five feet away. Spit, spit, spit, spit, spit. 434 00:18:13,638 --> 00:18:15,669 - James! - Bonsoir. 435 00:18:15,671 --> 00:18:17,503 - Hi. - Good evening. 436 00:18:17,505 --> 00:18:19,169 (IN ACCENTED ENGLISH) I am so sorry I missed you 437 00:18:19,171 --> 00:18:20,836 when I was at the White House a few weeks ago. 438 00:18:20,838 --> 00:18:23,769 Oh, are you so "sorry," James? 439 00:18:23,771 --> 00:18:25,302 (LAUGHS) You're never gonna 440 00:18:25,304 --> 00:18:26,636 stop making that joke, are you? 441 00:18:26,638 --> 00:18:28,769 - No. I'm not. - (LAUGHS) 442 00:18:28,771 --> 00:18:30,236 - (MAN SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY) - Well, I... Oh, hello. 443 00:18:30,238 --> 00:18:31,536 - Hi. - Oh, yes. 444 00:18:31,538 --> 00:18:33,338 - PHOTOGRAPHER: Thank you. - (CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING) 445 00:18:34,705 --> 00:18:36,738 - One more. One more. - One more. 446 00:18:37,838 --> 00:18:40,202 Merci. Thank you. 447 00:18:40,204 --> 00:18:41,371 What do you say we get out of here? 448 00:18:42,738 --> 00:18:45,503 Grab a drink somewhere a bit more private. 449 00:18:45,505 --> 00:18:47,636 (MUSIC STARTS PLAYING) 450 00:18:47,638 --> 00:18:48,836 - Yes... - Yeah? 451 00:18:48,838 --> 00:18:51,102 - (ALL CHEERING) - Oh, my God! 452 00:18:51,104 --> 00:18:52,836 Make some noise out there! Make some noise! 453 00:18:52,838 --> 00:18:55,135 Yeah! Check it out, y'all! 454 00:18:55,137 --> 00:18:57,269 One question, what's the name of the group? 455 00:18:57,271 --> 00:18:58,536 CROWD: Boyz II Men! 456 00:18:58,538 --> 00:18:59,402 What's the name of the group, y'all? 457 00:18:59,404 --> 00:19:00,736 CROWD: Boyz II Men! 458 00:19:00,738 --> 00:19:02,738 (SINGING) 459 00:19:22,605 --> 00:19:23,669 Yeah... 460 00:19:23,671 --> 00:19:24,704 I told you this would be dope. 461 00:19:24,706 --> 00:19:27,770 Yeah, uh... This is really cheering me up. 462 00:19:27,772 --> 00:19:29,202 - (LAUGHS) - Wow. 463 00:19:29,204 --> 00:19:30,538 (CONTINUE SINGING) 464 00:19:38,806 --> 00:19:40,236 I'm super underdressed. 465 00:19:40,238 --> 00:19:41,536 Stop complaining, all right? 466 00:19:41,538 --> 00:19:43,469 You think you feel outta place? 467 00:19:43,471 --> 00:19:44,637 This is one of the brightest rooms 468 00:19:44,639 --> 00:19:46,670 I've ever been in, in my life. 469 00:19:46,672 --> 00:19:48,471 Bright? What do you mean, bright? 470 00:19:49,071 --> 00:19:50,302 Like white. 471 00:19:50,304 --> 00:19:52,369 - Oh, "bright" is white? - Yeah, man. 472 00:19:52,371 --> 00:19:54,436 It's only me, the waiters and Boyz II Men. 473 00:19:54,438 --> 00:19:56,302 I've already had three people tell me they love my music. 474 00:19:56,304 --> 00:19:58,171 (CONTINUE SINGING) 475 00:20:02,238 --> 00:20:03,470 Duty calls. 476 00:20:03,472 --> 00:20:05,837 I'll take a snow check on that dance. 477 00:20:05,839 --> 00:20:08,436 - Canadian for "rain check." - Okay. (LAUGHS) 478 00:20:08,438 --> 00:20:10,472 - (SPEAKS FRENCH) - Okay. 479 00:20:12,204 --> 00:20:13,539 (CONTINUE SINGING) 480 00:20:17,439 --> 00:20:19,570 Man, you're pounding 'em kinda hard, don't you think? 481 00:20:19,572 --> 00:20:21,637 I got fired today, man. 482 00:20:21,639 --> 00:20:23,004 You told me you quit. 483 00:20:24,405 --> 00:20:26,504 I was forced to quit because of... 484 00:20:26,506 --> 00:20:27,637 Yeah, okay, man. 485 00:20:27,639 --> 00:20:29,004 Lie to me some more. 486 00:20:30,839 --> 00:20:32,104 You good? 487 00:20:37,372 --> 00:20:39,539 Shit. Is the secretary of state looking at us? 488 00:20:41,472 --> 00:20:42,672 Oh, she's looking at you? 489 00:20:44,672 --> 00:20:46,037 Fred. 490 00:20:49,171 --> 00:20:51,305 Fred. What the hell? What was that? 491 00:20:52,339 --> 00:20:54,205 Damn. Hey, what was that? 492 00:20:55,472 --> 00:20:57,069 I... 493 00:20:57,071 --> 00:20:58,470 Kinda... I kinda know her. Okay? 494 00:20:58,472 --> 00:21:00,403 - You kinda know her? - Yeah. 495 00:21:00,405 --> 00:21:02,136 Nobody kinda knows Charlotte Field, all right? 496 00:21:02,138 --> 00:21:03,537 It's like kinda knowing a mermaid, dude. 497 00:21:03,539 --> 00:21:04,670 You tell people that shit. 498 00:21:04,672 --> 00:21:06,337 - That's exceptional. - Okay. 499 00:21:06,339 --> 00:21:07,637 I'll tell you a story. 500 00:21:07,639 --> 00:21:11,370 So, I'm like 13, she's like 16. 501 00:21:11,372 --> 00:21:12,706 She's my babysitter. 502 00:21:18,272 --> 00:21:20,804 She's like, perfect. She's very nice to me, 503 00:21:20,806 --> 00:21:22,337 which goes a long way with me. 504 00:21:22,339 --> 00:21:23,770 So, we're at her house... 505 00:21:23,772 --> 00:21:25,704 She's practicing a speech that she's writing. 506 00:21:25,706 --> 00:21:27,670 She's running for Student Council president. 507 00:21:27,672 --> 00:21:28,971 Did you know that every year, 508 00:21:28,973 --> 00:21:31,804 the school throws away over 500 tons of recyclable garbage? 509 00:21:31,806 --> 00:21:34,637 - And no one cares. - I know, it's total bullshit. 510 00:21:34,639 --> 00:21:36,237 But how do you get idiots to care about shit 511 00:21:36,239 --> 00:21:39,337 - they don't care about? - They'll just care 512 00:21:39,339 --> 00:21:41,370 because it's the right thing to care about. 513 00:21:41,372 --> 00:21:44,370 You're more inspiring than George Bush and Dan Quayle combined. 514 00:21:44,372 --> 00:21:46,136 Well, that's not too hard. 515 00:21:46,138 --> 00:21:47,570 (BOTH LAUGH) 516 00:21:47,572 --> 00:21:49,303 FRED: Well, she was amazing, and she was smart, 517 00:21:49,305 --> 00:21:50,637 and she seemed to kinda like me, 518 00:21:50,639 --> 00:21:52,403 and I felt like we were having a moment. 519 00:21:52,405 --> 00:21:54,570 You know what I mean? Like a romantic moment. 520 00:21:54,572 --> 00:21:55,637 Oh, shit. 521 00:21:55,639 --> 00:21:57,237 FRED: So I did something, 522 00:21:57,239 --> 00:21:59,337 that in retrospect was highly inappropriate. 523 00:21:59,339 --> 00:22:00,639 I kissed her. 524 00:22:01,305 --> 00:22:02,637 I looked down... 525 00:22:02,639 --> 00:22:04,805 I got a fucking 13-year-old boner, man! 526 00:22:04,807 --> 00:22:07,637 - Oh! - Hard... But not big. 527 00:22:07,639 --> 00:22:10,437 But hard. And pronounced, "13-year-old boner." 528 00:22:10,439 --> 00:22:11,437 Sorry. 529 00:22:11,439 --> 00:22:13,405 And she looks at it. She sees it. And she goes... 530 00:22:14,172 --> 00:22:15,237 It's okay. 531 00:22:15,239 --> 00:22:16,738 - (GROANS) - And then, 532 00:22:16,740 --> 00:22:18,604 her boyfriend comes into the room, 533 00:22:18,606 --> 00:22:20,303 who was in the other room watching Blossom! 534 00:22:20,305 --> 00:22:21,370 Hey, babe. 535 00:22:21,372 --> 00:22:23,237 Points out my fucking little boner. 536 00:22:23,239 --> 00:22:25,638 - He makes a joke! - Whoa! 537 00:22:25,640 --> 00:22:27,172 FRED: And they left. 538 00:22:27,807 --> 00:22:29,339 (MOUTHING) I'm sorry. 539 00:22:31,372 --> 00:22:34,439 And I'm left standing there alone... 540 00:22:35,272 --> 00:22:36,237 ...in the kitchen, 541 00:22:36,239 --> 00:22:39,237 with my little, hard 13-year-old fucking boner. 542 00:22:39,239 --> 00:22:41,403 - Hard as a rock. - And on top of that, 543 00:22:41,405 --> 00:22:43,070 she didn't win the fucking election. 544 00:22:43,072 --> 00:22:45,771 Bill Sterling won because he ran on a two-prom platform. 545 00:22:45,773 --> 00:22:48,805 - Two-prom! - Two-proms! Back-to-back! 546 00:22:48,807 --> 00:22:51,170 (SCOFFS) She didn't stand a fucking chance. 547 00:22:51,172 --> 00:22:52,303 No, man. 548 00:22:52,305 --> 00:22:54,337 I think you're skimming over the best part of that story. 549 00:22:54,339 --> 00:22:56,070 What's the best part of that story? 550 00:22:56,072 --> 00:22:57,837 She says your boner was okay. 551 00:22:57,839 --> 00:22:59,638 She said, "It's okay," like she was trying 552 00:22:59,640 --> 00:23:01,471 to not make me fucking feel bad. 553 00:23:01,473 --> 00:23:03,471 Fred, you see a fucked-up story, 554 00:23:03,473 --> 00:23:07,203 when I see a beautiful story about a girl that you liked, 555 00:23:07,205 --> 00:23:10,337 liking your boner in all of its okay-ness. 556 00:23:10,339 --> 00:23:12,404 You need to talk to her tonight. 557 00:23:12,406 --> 00:23:13,671 She probably doesn't remember who I am, 558 00:23:13,673 --> 00:23:15,371 and if she does remember who I am, 559 00:23:15,373 --> 00:23:16,538 the last thing she wants is 560 00:23:16,540 --> 00:23:18,638 my 13-year-old-boner-having fucking ass walking up to her. 561 00:23:18,640 --> 00:23:19,705 - Look... - AGENT M: Excuse me. 562 00:23:19,707 --> 00:23:20,738 Whoa. 563 00:23:20,740 --> 00:23:22,404 Secretary Field would like to speak with you. 564 00:23:22,406 --> 00:23:23,638 With me? 565 00:23:23,640 --> 00:23:25,070 With him, right? 566 00:23:25,072 --> 00:23:26,837 - Yeah. - FRED: Right now? 567 00:23:26,839 --> 00:23:28,438 Uh, do you know why? 568 00:23:28,440 --> 00:23:29,540 This way. 569 00:23:30,640 --> 00:23:31,804 (SOFTLY) This is good. 570 00:23:31,806 --> 00:23:33,238 What are you nervous about? 571 00:23:33,240 --> 00:23:35,505 What the fuck? Everything I just said! 572 00:23:35,507 --> 00:23:37,507 (SINGING SLOW R&B SONG) 573 00:23:45,138 --> 00:23:47,103 Oh, my God, dude, there she is. 574 00:23:47,105 --> 00:23:49,105 (BOYZ II MEN VOCALIZING) 575 00:23:55,640 --> 00:23:57,471 What are you gonna say to her? 576 00:23:57,473 --> 00:23:59,071 I don't know. 577 00:23:59,073 --> 00:24:00,438 Should open with a neg. 578 00:24:00,440 --> 00:24:01,738 Tell her she's too tall. 579 00:24:01,740 --> 00:24:03,638 I'm not gonna neg the secretary of state. 580 00:24:03,640 --> 00:24:05,573 - It was so nice to see you. - WOMAN: You as well. 581 00:24:07,707 --> 00:24:10,505 Give me the signal when you need me. 582 00:24:10,507 --> 00:24:12,638 - Hi. - Hi. 583 00:24:12,640 --> 00:24:14,071 A man brought me here. 584 00:24:14,073 --> 00:24:15,605 Yes, sorry about that. 585 00:24:15,607 --> 00:24:16,638 - Um... - No, not at all. 586 00:24:16,640 --> 00:24:19,505 I can't shake this feeling that we know each other. 587 00:24:19,507 --> 00:24:21,137 - We do. Yeah. - We do? 588 00:24:21,139 --> 00:24:22,538 - We do know each other. - Okay, so I'm not crazy. 589 00:24:22,540 --> 00:24:24,837 - Uh, I'm Fred. - Fred... 590 00:24:24,839 --> 00:24:26,137 I was shorter, 591 00:24:26,139 --> 00:24:27,571 - but other than that... - Flarsky? 592 00:24:27,573 --> 00:24:28,638 Yeah! Holy fuck! 593 00:24:28,640 --> 00:24:30,338 I can't believe it. You remember. 594 00:24:30,340 --> 00:24:32,605 Oh, my God, look at you! 595 00:24:32,607 --> 00:24:33,804 Look at me, yes. 596 00:24:33,806 --> 00:24:35,071 What are you doing here? 597 00:24:35,073 --> 00:24:37,571 My friend, Lance... That's Lance. 598 00:24:37,573 --> 00:24:38,605 Hey, how you doing? 599 00:24:38,607 --> 00:24:41,271 He, uh, he just brought me here to see Boyz II Men. 600 00:24:41,273 --> 00:24:42,404 I just met them. 601 00:24:42,406 --> 00:24:44,238 - You met the Men? - Yeah. 602 00:24:44,240 --> 00:24:45,838 - What was it like? - Don't tell anybody, 603 00:24:45,840 --> 00:24:47,338 but it was the highlight of my life. 604 00:24:47,340 --> 00:24:48,471 Oh, I totally get that. 605 00:24:48,473 --> 00:24:49,471 And I've met the Dalai Lama. 606 00:24:49,473 --> 00:24:52,137 Fuck him. How many hits does he have? None. 607 00:24:52,139 --> 00:24:54,071 - (BOTH LAUGH) - Don't actually fuck him. 608 00:24:54,073 --> 00:24:55,204 - He's a wonderful man. - Yeah. 609 00:24:55,206 --> 00:24:56,638 What are you doing these days? 610 00:24:56,640 --> 00:24:58,507 I bet it's something amazing. 611 00:25:00,240 --> 00:25:01,505 - It's pretty amazing. - Yeah. 612 00:25:01,507 --> 00:25:02,571 Uh, yeah, 613 00:25:02,573 --> 00:25:05,171 but it's still in its, uh, gestation period, I guess. 614 00:25:05,173 --> 00:25:06,338 I don't need to get into it. 615 00:25:06,340 --> 00:25:07,440 What about you, what have you been up to? 616 00:25:08,406 --> 00:25:09,571 You're the secretary... I'm joking. 617 00:25:09,573 --> 00:25:10,705 I know what you've been up to. 618 00:25:10,707 --> 00:25:11,905 - Yeah. (LAUGHS) - You're very, um... 619 00:25:11,907 --> 00:25:14,271 You know, I just, I... I just wanna say it's, like, amazing 620 00:25:14,273 --> 00:25:15,338 to see what you've done with your life. 621 00:25:15,340 --> 00:25:16,471 A lot of people say they're gonna do 622 00:25:16,473 --> 00:25:18,571 all this incredible stuff and they don't do anything, 623 00:25:18,573 --> 00:25:21,206 but you actually did it all, so, congrats. 624 00:25:22,574 --> 00:25:24,538 Well, I'm trying. 625 00:25:24,540 --> 00:25:26,073 I think you've done it. (CHUCKLES) 626 00:25:27,740 --> 00:25:29,039 PARKER: Oh! 627 00:25:30,206 --> 00:25:31,506 CHARLOTTE: Parker Wembley. 628 00:25:31,508 --> 00:25:32,771 I hate this guy. 629 00:25:32,773 --> 00:25:35,404 FRED: Parker Wembley, the guy who buys and sells newspapers 630 00:25:35,406 --> 00:25:37,506 and thinks that hurricanes are caused by gay marriage? 631 00:25:37,508 --> 00:25:38,572 You know him? 632 00:25:38,574 --> 00:25:39,771 He's coming over here. 633 00:25:39,773 --> 00:25:41,539 - Is he behind me? - Yeah. 634 00:25:41,541 --> 00:25:45,137 - Finally. Secretary Field. - Parker, how are you? 635 00:25:45,139 --> 00:25:47,304 You are looking particularly gorgeous tonight. 636 00:25:47,306 --> 00:25:48,606 Thank you. 637 00:25:48,608 --> 00:25:50,771 I... I've been trying to set a meeting with you 638 00:25:50,773 --> 00:25:53,372 for some months now, and, uh... 639 00:25:53,374 --> 00:25:55,137 I mean, have you been avoiding me? 640 00:25:55,139 --> 00:25:58,137 No! No. 641 00:25:58,139 --> 00:26:00,273 - Not successfully. - (BOTH LAUGH) 642 00:26:01,740 --> 00:26:04,304 (LAUGHS AWKWARDLY) Who's your friend? 643 00:26:04,306 --> 00:26:06,171 - Fred. - Hey, Fred! 644 00:26:06,173 --> 00:26:07,238 - Yes, hi. - How are you? 645 00:26:07,240 --> 00:26:09,204 And, uh, what is it that you do? 646 00:26:09,206 --> 00:26:11,238 I'm a journalist, actually. Yeah. 647 00:26:11,240 --> 00:26:13,071 - Ooh, a journalist. - Mmm-hmm. Yeah. 648 00:26:13,073 --> 00:26:15,472 Will I have read anything that you've written? 649 00:26:15,474 --> 00:26:18,272 Probably not recently 'cause I'm unemployed at the moment. 650 00:26:18,274 --> 00:26:20,171 Oh, I am so sorry to hear that. 651 00:26:20,173 --> 00:26:21,439 Not your fault. 652 00:26:21,441 --> 00:26:23,372 Excuse me, Secretary Field, we need a word. 653 00:26:23,374 --> 00:26:25,439 - Oh, okay. - So we will have that meeting. 654 00:26:25,441 --> 00:26:26,506 - Right? - Yes. 655 00:26:26,508 --> 00:26:28,239 Okay, good. Fred. 656 00:26:28,241 --> 00:26:29,405 - Yes? - Best of luck. 657 00:26:29,407 --> 00:26:30,472 Oh, why, thanks. 658 00:26:30,474 --> 00:26:31,539 Things will turn around for you. 659 00:26:31,541 --> 00:26:32,439 So nice of you. 660 00:26:32,441 --> 00:26:34,241 Darkest before the dawn and all that. 661 00:26:35,773 --> 00:26:38,239 - I actually... I do have to... - Yeah. 662 00:26:38,241 --> 00:26:39,605 You probably have a lot of things to do. 663 00:26:39,607 --> 00:26:40,671 Better than this. 664 00:26:40,673 --> 00:26:41,805 It's really nice to see you again. 665 00:26:41,807 --> 00:26:45,339 - Oh. Yeah. Okay. Sure. Great. - (LAUGHS) 666 00:26:45,341 --> 00:26:48,372 Oh, you're backless. Wasn't expecting that. 667 00:26:48,374 --> 00:26:50,239 - Have fun at the party. - You too. 668 00:26:50,241 --> 00:26:51,374 Great to see you. 669 00:26:54,441 --> 00:26:57,405 I see you. I see you. Yeah. 670 00:26:57,407 --> 00:26:59,838 (LAUGHING) 671 00:26:59,840 --> 00:27:02,274 PARKER: So I said, "You want..." 672 00:27:03,773 --> 00:27:05,172 Hey. Hey. What's that look in your eye? 673 00:27:05,174 --> 00:27:06,239 What are you about to go do? 674 00:27:06,241 --> 00:27:08,072 Tonight is about the animals, dude. 675 00:27:08,074 --> 00:27:10,072 Fuck the animals! They're fucking gone, man. 676 00:27:10,074 --> 00:27:11,771 Too late for the fucking animals. 677 00:27:11,773 --> 00:27:13,605 (SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY) 678 00:27:13,607 --> 00:27:15,272 Hey! 679 00:27:15,274 --> 00:27:16,771 - PARKER: Oh, Fred? - Yeah, look. 680 00:27:16,773 --> 00:27:19,105 - What's the problem? - I'll tell you the problem. 681 00:27:19,107 --> 00:27:20,638 - What? - You're the problem, man! 682 00:27:20,640 --> 00:27:23,205 You're everything that's wrong with this fucking country. 683 00:27:23,207 --> 00:27:26,439 'Cause you're an old, rich, white piece of shit 684 00:27:26,441 --> 00:27:29,172 and your media conglomerate is ruining this planet! 685 00:27:29,174 --> 00:27:31,105 - Enough. - I'm done anyway. 686 00:27:31,107 --> 00:27:32,771 I had more time with you than I thought I would, 687 00:27:32,773 --> 00:27:34,405 so joke's on you. Excuse me, thank you. 688 00:27:34,407 --> 00:27:36,072 Whoa, shit! (YELLING) 689 00:27:36,074 --> 00:27:37,205 (GRUNTS) 690 00:27:37,207 --> 00:27:38,506 (CROWD GASPS) 691 00:27:38,508 --> 00:27:39,739 God! 692 00:27:39,741 --> 00:27:41,272 (FRED GRUNTS) 693 00:27:41,274 --> 00:27:42,439 Cracker down! 694 00:27:42,441 --> 00:27:43,839 Oh, my God. 695 00:27:43,841 --> 00:27:45,174 GUEST: Looks like it hurt. 696 00:27:45,808 --> 00:27:47,671 Boyz II Men, back up. 697 00:27:47,673 --> 00:27:49,138 You all right? You good? 698 00:27:49,140 --> 00:27:50,305 - You all right? - I'm okay! 699 00:27:50,307 --> 00:27:51,372 He's okay! 700 00:27:51,374 --> 00:27:52,508 How is he standing? 701 00:27:54,341 --> 00:27:56,341 (HIP-HIP SONG PLAYING) 702 00:27:57,641 --> 00:27:59,105 (SONG PLAYING ON PHONE) 703 00:27:59,107 --> 00:28:01,207 - ALL: Oh! - Ouch! 704 00:28:03,241 --> 00:28:07,072 ♪ Oh, no That's the Ruff Ryder... 705 00:28:07,074 --> 00:28:08,138 This is so creative. 706 00:28:08,140 --> 00:28:10,074 (ALL LAUGH) 707 00:28:10,474 --> 00:28:11,706 Ha-ha! 708 00:28:11,708 --> 00:28:13,274 - CHARLOTTE: What was that? - Thank you, Tom. 709 00:28:13,774 --> 00:28:16,105 God, that was crazy. 710 00:28:16,107 --> 00:28:17,472 I mean, now that we know he's okay, 711 00:28:17,474 --> 00:28:20,138 it was all so hilarious. 712 00:28:20,140 --> 00:28:22,739 And so what is the relationship exactly? 713 00:28:22,741 --> 00:28:24,372 - Was he your super? - No, 714 00:28:24,374 --> 00:28:26,305 we grew up next door to each other. 715 00:28:26,307 --> 00:28:27,572 - (MAGGIE GASPS) - Yeah. 716 00:28:27,574 --> 00:28:30,440 (CHUCKLES) Fuck, I used to babysit for him. 717 00:28:30,442 --> 00:28:32,672 - You babysat for him? - I did. 718 00:28:32,674 --> 00:28:35,339 Wow. Time has not been kind. 719 00:28:35,341 --> 00:28:36,339 He was such a strange little kid. 720 00:28:36,341 --> 00:28:39,539 But he was really funny. And he was super smart. 721 00:28:39,541 --> 00:28:41,606 He did have this chip on his shoulder, though. 722 00:28:41,608 --> 00:28:43,639 He's actually not a bad writer. 723 00:28:43,641 --> 00:28:45,072 Wait, you've read his stuff? 724 00:28:45,074 --> 00:28:46,272 Yeah, Brooklyn Advocate. 725 00:28:46,274 --> 00:28:48,572 Oh, God, of course, you read that, Tom. 726 00:28:48,574 --> 00:28:50,340 Didn't that paper just get sold off? 727 00:28:50,342 --> 00:28:51,706 Wembley Media just bought them. 728 00:28:51,708 --> 00:28:54,272 Oh, that makes total sense. 729 00:28:54,274 --> 00:28:56,472 That's why he was such a dick to Wembley. 730 00:28:56,474 --> 00:29:00,474 So the rest of the schedule for the day is pretty packed. 731 00:29:04,474 --> 00:29:06,074 (CHUCKLING) 732 00:29:09,275 --> 00:29:10,772 (KNOCK ON DOOR) 733 00:29:10,774 --> 00:29:12,105 - Hi. - Hey. 734 00:29:12,107 --> 00:29:14,806 Did you like any of those writing samples? 735 00:29:14,808 --> 00:29:17,672 Yeah, McKenzie is good. Bess is solid. 736 00:29:17,674 --> 00:29:22,206 And, um, Fred's stuff isn't too bad. 737 00:29:22,208 --> 00:29:24,173 Wait, not the... 738 00:29:24,175 --> 00:29:26,639 The homeless person that fell down the stairs? 739 00:29:26,641 --> 00:29:29,240 Yeah. He has a real voice. 740 00:29:29,242 --> 00:29:31,839 And he knows me. I mean, he knew me. 741 00:29:31,841 --> 00:29:33,506 And that's probably a good thing 742 00:29:33,508 --> 00:29:36,406 if he's going to be writing for me. 743 00:29:36,408 --> 00:29:38,439 Bringing someone like that onto the team, 744 00:29:38,441 --> 00:29:41,139 I have to say, feels a little reckless. 745 00:29:41,141 --> 00:29:44,606 His writing is really good. And it's funny. 746 00:29:44,608 --> 00:29:46,639 I think he can get that number up by a few points. 747 00:29:46,641 --> 00:29:48,342 And if he doesn't, we fire him. 748 00:29:49,208 --> 00:29:50,273 Okay. 749 00:29:50,275 --> 00:29:51,275 Okay. 750 00:29:51,808 --> 00:29:53,275 Fred Flarsky it is. 751 00:29:53,708 --> 00:29:55,075 Thanks. 752 00:29:57,175 --> 00:29:59,175 (INDISTINCT CHATTER) 753 00:30:00,242 --> 00:30:01,242 All right, bye. 754 00:30:02,741 --> 00:30:04,541 - (PHONE RINGING) - (MUMBLES INCOHERENTLY) 755 00:30:05,541 --> 00:30:06,774 (SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY) 756 00:30:07,674 --> 00:30:09,306 Unknown! 757 00:30:09,308 --> 00:30:11,106 I don't give a fuck. Answer that shit. 758 00:30:11,108 --> 00:30:12,472 - What? - Answer it! 759 00:30:12,474 --> 00:30:14,106 What if it's The Man trying to get at me? 760 00:30:14,108 --> 00:30:15,807 No, it's the universe trying to talk to you. 761 00:30:15,809 --> 00:30:17,073 Really? 762 00:30:17,075 --> 00:30:18,539 - Gang. - Gang. 763 00:30:18,541 --> 00:30:20,306 Do that shit, man. Fred, don't fuck with me. 764 00:30:20,308 --> 00:30:21,840 All right. Hello. Gang. 765 00:30:21,842 --> 00:30:23,672 - Mr. Flarsky? - What? 766 00:30:23,674 --> 00:30:25,206 Wait, slow down. What? 767 00:30:25,208 --> 00:30:27,106 - You're unknown. Pardon? - Oh, my God. Mr. Flarsky. 768 00:30:27,108 --> 00:30:29,206 - Hello? - Go on. 769 00:30:29,208 --> 00:30:32,807 This is Maggie Millikin from Secretary Field's office. 770 00:30:32,809 --> 00:30:35,106 Hello, Maggie, who works for Secretary Field. 771 00:30:35,108 --> 00:30:36,773 - Whoo! - Hello? 772 00:30:36,775 --> 00:30:38,073 (WHISPERS) That's good! Talk to her. 773 00:30:38,075 --> 00:30:40,740 - Hello? - How can I help you? 774 00:30:40,742 --> 00:30:42,707 The secretary would like to meet with you immediately. 775 00:30:42,709 --> 00:30:44,073 We will send a car over. 776 00:30:44,075 --> 00:30:45,773 Can you give me the most convenient address? 777 00:30:45,775 --> 00:30:47,607 - What is she saying? - Secretary would like 778 00:30:47,609 --> 00:30:48,707 to meet with me immediately 779 00:30:48,709 --> 00:30:49,742 and they're going to send a car? 780 00:30:52,141 --> 00:30:54,807 Mr. Lou's Deli in Brooklyn. 781 00:30:54,809 --> 00:30:57,240 - I'm sure you can find it. - I will google it. 782 00:30:57,242 --> 00:30:59,273 Mr. Lou's in Brooklyn. Stay right there. 783 00:30:59,275 --> 00:31:00,340 Okay. 784 00:31:00,342 --> 00:31:02,506 Uh, I'll see you soon. 785 00:31:02,508 --> 00:31:04,775 (GROANING) Oh, I feel so scared. 786 00:31:05,575 --> 00:31:06,707 Do I look okay? 787 00:31:06,709 --> 00:31:08,173 Do I look funny? 788 00:31:08,175 --> 00:31:09,405 - Why are these pockets here? - LANCE: It's okay. 789 00:31:09,407 --> 00:31:10,673 God fucking damn it! 790 00:31:10,675 --> 00:31:12,540 Why am I wearing these fucking stupid pants? 791 00:31:12,542 --> 00:31:13,773 They're too tapered! 792 00:31:13,775 --> 00:31:16,206 Who wears these silly-looking, fucking tapered cargo pants 793 00:31:16,208 --> 00:31:18,339 and see the fucking secretary of state? 794 00:31:18,341 --> 00:31:19,840 You can't think like this. You have to be positive. 795 00:31:19,842 --> 00:31:21,339 - Mr. Flarsky? - FRED: Oh, shit. 796 00:31:21,341 --> 00:31:22,475 Mr. Flarsky. 797 00:31:25,075 --> 00:31:26,173 Wish me luck, man. 798 00:31:26,175 --> 00:31:27,707 Yeah, you don't need luck, man. She said it was okay. 799 00:31:27,709 --> 00:31:28,773 Luck is for losers. 800 00:31:28,775 --> 00:31:30,773 You've got destiny on your side. 801 00:31:30,775 --> 00:31:33,573 You're good. Fred. 802 00:31:33,575 --> 00:31:35,108 You buy the body. 803 00:31:35,742 --> 00:31:37,008 That doesn't mean anything. 804 00:31:37,642 --> 00:31:39,440 (ENGINE STARTS) 805 00:31:39,442 --> 00:31:41,106 LANCE: Fred, put your seat belt on. 806 00:31:41,108 --> 00:31:43,575 Take care of my friend. All right? 807 00:31:44,642 --> 00:31:46,840 - I look normal? - You look cool. 808 00:31:46,842 --> 00:31:48,242 I love you, Fred! 809 00:31:48,809 --> 00:31:50,675 Nut boys for life! 810 00:32:06,742 --> 00:32:09,707 Empty your pockets and take off your backpack. 811 00:32:09,709 --> 00:32:11,075 Empty my pockets? 812 00:32:13,209 --> 00:32:14,609 All right. That's... 813 00:32:15,709 --> 00:32:17,142 Let's see how this goes. 814 00:32:20,243 --> 00:32:22,273 Not a regular cop, I assume. 815 00:32:22,275 --> 00:32:25,640 Got bigger fish to fry than just normal cop shit, right? 816 00:32:25,642 --> 00:32:27,675 So, uh, okay. Let's do it. 817 00:32:28,275 --> 00:32:29,440 (EXHALES) 818 00:32:29,442 --> 00:32:33,174 That's prescription. For anxiety. Uh... 819 00:32:33,176 --> 00:32:36,740 This is if you can't dance for a long time and you want to. 820 00:32:36,742 --> 00:32:39,406 That's prescription as well, for, uh, lack of energy. 821 00:32:39,408 --> 00:32:40,673 That's energy powder. 822 00:32:40,675 --> 00:32:44,275 These are to wrap the anxiety medication in 823 00:32:45,142 --> 00:32:48,207 when inhaling it medicinally. 824 00:32:48,209 --> 00:32:50,673 That's if you want to vaporize the anxiety medicine, 825 00:32:50,675 --> 00:32:52,342 which I have a prescription for. 826 00:32:53,342 --> 00:32:54,675 And that's a blunt. 827 00:32:57,109 --> 00:32:59,109 (INDISTINCT CHATTER) 828 00:33:00,709 --> 00:33:02,042 Ooh. 829 00:33:03,709 --> 00:33:04,709 Hi. 830 00:33:08,742 --> 00:33:10,440 (SIGHS DEEPLY) 831 00:33:10,442 --> 00:33:11,509 MAGGIE: Wow. 832 00:33:13,675 --> 00:33:15,140 Will you sign this, please? 833 00:33:15,142 --> 00:33:17,340 - What is it? - It's an NDA. 834 00:33:17,342 --> 00:33:18,406 A non-disclosure agreement? 835 00:33:18,408 --> 00:33:20,708 - That's right. - Okay. 836 00:33:20,710 --> 00:33:22,373 - (WHISPERS) Oh, my God. - CHARLOTTE: Fred. 837 00:33:22,375 --> 00:33:24,174 - Yeah. - Hey, nice to see you again. 838 00:33:24,176 --> 00:33:25,507 - Hi, you too. - Come on in. 839 00:33:25,509 --> 00:33:26,507 Take a seat. 840 00:33:26,509 --> 00:33:28,708 Good to see you were not injured from that fall. 841 00:33:28,710 --> 00:33:30,540 Oh, yeah, you know what? 842 00:33:30,542 --> 00:33:32,140 I actually think the brim of my hat 843 00:33:32,142 --> 00:33:33,708 kind of protected my face ultimately. 844 00:33:33,710 --> 00:33:36,107 So, thank God I was underdressed in the end, right? 845 00:33:36,109 --> 00:33:38,074 Well, as long as you're good. 846 00:33:38,076 --> 00:33:39,473 - I'm okay. - Yeah. Great. 847 00:33:39,475 --> 00:33:40,542 FRED: Uh... 848 00:33:42,342 --> 00:33:42,943 Why am I here? 849 00:33:42,945 --> 00:33:43,334 What I'm about to share with you 850 00:33:43,336 --> 00:33:43,732 is, obviously, highly confidential. 851 00:33:43,734 --> 00:33:44,758 Oh, yeah. 852 00:33:44,760 --> 00:33:46,192 Keep it on the down low. 853 00:33:47,693 --> 00:33:50,358 President Chambers will not be seeking reelection. 854 00:33:50,660 --> 00:33:51,724 Really? 855 00:33:51,726 --> 00:33:53,390 (SOFTLY) Yes. 856 00:33:53,392 --> 00:33:57,390 That's fucking sick! That's awesome. 857 00:33:57,392 --> 00:34:00,490 Are you telling each American individually the good news? 858 00:34:00,492 --> 00:34:01,556 I mean, but seriously. 859 00:34:01,558 --> 00:34:02,724 Did he just realize he sucks at it 860 00:34:02,726 --> 00:34:04,456 and decide not to do it anymore? 861 00:34:04,458 --> 00:34:08,390 He just wants to move into film and make movies. 862 00:34:08,392 --> 00:34:09,858 - Really? - Yeah. 863 00:34:09,860 --> 00:34:11,758 That's cool. That's a tough transition to make. 864 00:34:11,760 --> 00:34:14,591 Not many actors have made the leap from TV to film. 865 00:34:14,593 --> 00:34:16,323 You got George Clooney, you got Woody Harrelson... 866 00:34:16,325 --> 00:34:17,390 Jennifer Aniston. 867 00:34:17,392 --> 00:34:18,991 Mmm, did she though? 868 00:34:18,993 --> 00:34:20,691 You don't think Jennifer Aniston's a movie star? 869 00:34:20,693 --> 00:34:21,758 Just 'cause you star in movies 870 00:34:21,760 --> 00:34:22,824 doesn't mean you're a movie star. 871 00:34:22,826 --> 00:34:24,958 The point is... 872 00:34:24,960 --> 00:34:27,760 He's going to endorse me for president in 2020. 873 00:34:28,259 --> 00:34:29,323 Wow. 874 00:34:29,325 --> 00:34:30,658 - I know. - Mazel tov. 875 00:34:30,660 --> 00:34:31,791 (CHUCKLES) So. 876 00:34:31,793 --> 00:34:33,858 We're headed to an environmental summit 877 00:34:33,860 --> 00:34:35,289 hosted by King Gustav 878 00:34:35,291 --> 00:34:36,924 and the Swedish Royal Family. 879 00:34:36,926 --> 00:34:39,224 At the summit, I'll be announcing 880 00:34:39,226 --> 00:34:41,323 that the world's three largest polluters 881 00:34:41,325 --> 00:34:42,691 have signed on to the most comprehensive 882 00:34:42,693 --> 00:34:44,691 and exciting environmental deal ever. 883 00:34:44,693 --> 00:34:45,958 You know, after I have some dairy, 884 00:34:45,960 --> 00:34:47,824 I'm one of the world's three largest polluters. 885 00:34:47,826 --> 00:34:48,991 Excuse me? 886 00:34:48,993 --> 00:34:51,391 We'll address rising sea levels, 887 00:34:51,393 --> 00:34:52,991 combat deforestation 888 00:34:52,993 --> 00:34:55,324 and protect the world's pollinators. 889 00:34:55,326 --> 00:34:58,424 I'm calling it the Global Rehabilitation Initiative. 890 00:34:58,426 --> 00:34:59,691 Internally, we're referring to it 891 00:34:59,693 --> 00:35:00,991 as "Bees, Trees and the Seas." 892 00:35:00,993 --> 00:35:02,524 CHARLOTTE: Soon after that, 893 00:35:02,526 --> 00:35:04,858 I hope to announce that 100 countries have signed on. 894 00:35:04,860 --> 00:35:07,357 - Wow. - At which point... 895 00:35:07,359 --> 00:35:09,724 I will resign as secretary of state. 896 00:35:09,726 --> 00:35:12,724 Using this initiative as a springboard, 897 00:35:12,726 --> 00:35:14,924 I will announce my presidential run in 2020. 898 00:35:14,926 --> 00:35:16,526 - Cool. - So... 899 00:35:18,426 --> 00:35:20,991 I need some writers to punch up my speeches. 900 00:35:20,993 --> 00:35:23,324 I read your work and I really like it. 901 00:35:23,326 --> 00:35:24,524 That's... Wow. 902 00:35:24,526 --> 00:35:26,224 You mentioned you were between jobs. 903 00:35:26,226 --> 00:35:27,191 So it's a really good fit. 904 00:35:27,193 --> 00:35:29,758 It's so nice of you to think of me at all, 905 00:35:29,760 --> 00:35:32,257 honestly, with everything going on in your head. 906 00:35:32,259 --> 00:35:33,557 I look forward to working with you. 907 00:35:33,559 --> 00:35:34,559 Thank you. 908 00:35:36,693 --> 00:35:39,559 Um... So, uh, when do you need to know by? 909 00:35:40,826 --> 00:35:42,958 (CHUCKLING) What? I don't understand. 910 00:35:42,960 --> 00:35:44,992 When do you need to know if I'm going to take your, uh, 911 00:35:44,994 --> 00:35:46,559 your punch-up job? 912 00:35:47,961 --> 00:35:49,424 Right now. 913 00:35:49,426 --> 00:35:51,992 Oh. Uh... Then I guess, 914 00:35:51,994 --> 00:35:54,691 maybe... Maybe, uh, no? 915 00:35:54,693 --> 00:35:56,959 Maybe no, I don't know. I don't know! 916 00:35:56,961 --> 00:35:58,059 You know what, Madam Secretary, 917 00:35:58,061 --> 00:35:59,992 he's not interested. We tried, it didn't work out. 918 00:35:59,994 --> 00:36:02,760 So I can give you some writing samples... 919 00:36:07,760 --> 00:36:09,758 What don't you know? 920 00:36:09,760 --> 00:36:12,290 This whole Seas, Bees and Trees thing. 921 00:36:12,292 --> 00:36:13,925 Is it actually going to do something? 922 00:36:13,927 --> 00:36:15,591 Or is it going to be one of those things 923 00:36:15,593 --> 00:36:17,624 that maybe only sounds like it's gonna do something, 924 00:36:17,626 --> 00:36:19,357 but doesn't actually do something? 925 00:36:19,359 --> 00:36:21,892 I only wanna come work for you 926 00:36:21,894 --> 00:36:23,457 if it's actually gonna do something. 927 00:36:23,459 --> 00:36:24,759 It will do something. 928 00:36:24,761 --> 00:36:26,624 This is a perfect document. 929 00:36:26,626 --> 00:36:28,925 They all start out that way and then they get watered down. 930 00:36:28,927 --> 00:36:29,859 Fred. 931 00:36:29,861 --> 00:36:32,324 Not only does this initiative sound good, 932 00:36:32,326 --> 00:36:33,190 it's going to do good. 933 00:36:33,192 --> 00:36:35,557 It's gonna save the fucking planet. 934 00:36:35,559 --> 00:36:37,725 Not to mention, pay your rent. 935 00:36:37,727 --> 00:36:38,992 So, are you in? 936 00:36:38,994 --> 00:36:41,627 Or do you have something more important to do? 937 00:36:42,627 --> 00:36:44,292 Than save the planet with you? 938 00:36:45,994 --> 00:36:48,625 No, I don't. (CHUCKLES) I'm in. 939 00:36:48,627 --> 00:36:50,457 Phew! (CHUCKLES) 940 00:36:50,459 --> 00:36:51,727 Let's save the planet. 941 00:36:52,393 --> 00:36:53,357 That was... 942 00:36:53,359 --> 00:36:55,459 What just happened? She's good. (LAUGHS) 943 00:37:19,927 --> 00:37:20,992 (KNOCKS ON DOOR) 944 00:37:20,994 --> 00:37:21,961 FRED: Uh, hey. 945 00:37:23,894 --> 00:37:25,892 I had some jokes, uh, I was gonna run by you, 946 00:37:25,894 --> 00:37:27,326 maybe, if you have a second. 947 00:37:30,627 --> 00:37:33,226 What are you... What are you looking at? 948 00:37:36,427 --> 00:37:37,625 - (GASPS) - (YELPS) 949 00:37:37,627 --> 00:37:38,692 - Jesus! - Oh, my God! 950 00:37:38,694 --> 00:37:40,925 Why would you just barge in here while I'm sleeping? 951 00:37:40,927 --> 00:37:42,458 - You were sleeping? - Yes! 952 00:37:42,460 --> 00:37:44,224 I was micro napping. 953 00:37:44,226 --> 00:37:45,992 - That's what you call that? - Yes. 954 00:37:45,994 --> 00:37:47,659 Sorry, I didn't realize you were sleeping. 955 00:37:47,661 --> 00:37:49,225 You were standing and your eyes were open. 956 00:37:49,227 --> 00:37:50,291 Do you need something? 957 00:37:50,293 --> 00:37:51,392 I have some jokes that I wrote 958 00:37:51,394 --> 00:37:53,392 that I was gonna run by you if you have a second. 959 00:37:53,394 --> 00:37:54,859 Yeah, that was actually a really good nap. 960 00:37:54,861 --> 00:37:56,892 Great. Seemed very restful. 961 00:37:56,894 --> 00:37:57,894 (SIGHS) Okay. 962 00:38:00,794 --> 00:38:01,725 Whoa. 963 00:38:01,727 --> 00:38:05,325 I feel like these jokes are a little angry. 964 00:38:05,327 --> 00:38:07,625 Oh. I thought maybe they were, like, emphatic? 965 00:38:07,627 --> 00:38:09,525 "With every fracking drill thrust, 966 00:38:09,527 --> 00:38:12,358 "we are literally butt-fucking Mother Earth"? 967 00:38:12,360 --> 00:38:13,525 It can be normal fucking. 968 00:38:13,527 --> 00:38:14,892 It doesn't have to be in the butt. 969 00:38:14,894 --> 00:38:15,959 I can take that part out. 970 00:38:15,961 --> 00:38:17,525 Yeah, listen, Fred. 971 00:38:17,527 --> 00:38:18,925 If I'm angry, I'm hysterical. 972 00:38:18,927 --> 00:38:20,525 If I'm emotional, I'm weak. 973 00:38:20,527 --> 00:38:22,258 If I so much as raise my voice, I'm a bitch. 974 00:38:22,260 --> 00:38:23,525 My job's hard. 975 00:38:23,527 --> 00:38:25,492 Not as hard as mine. 976 00:38:25,494 --> 00:38:27,291 I think maybe, like, part of the problem 977 00:38:27,293 --> 00:38:29,558 is that, like, a lot of humor is based on, 978 00:38:29,560 --> 00:38:31,692 like, personal experiences. 979 00:38:31,694 --> 00:38:32,592 I was thinking, you know, 980 00:38:32,594 --> 00:38:34,558 you cared a lot about the environment 981 00:38:34,560 --> 00:38:35,725 - since high school. - Mmm-hmm. 982 00:38:35,727 --> 00:38:39,458 So maybe include some stories about that. 983 00:38:39,460 --> 00:38:40,827 - High school? - Yeah. 984 00:38:42,394 --> 00:38:43,659 You think that's funny? 985 00:38:43,661 --> 00:38:44,759 I think it's a good area. 986 00:38:44,761 --> 00:38:46,825 Nostalgia, pop culture references. 987 00:38:46,827 --> 00:38:47,926 People love that. 988 00:38:47,928 --> 00:38:49,759 Jimmy Fallon's made an entire career off of that. 989 00:38:49,761 --> 00:38:51,926 When I think about school, I just think about studying. 990 00:38:51,928 --> 00:38:53,525 No, you did so much more than that. 991 00:38:53,527 --> 00:38:56,225 I think your whole 1991 platform was pretty on-point 992 00:38:56,227 --> 00:38:57,558 when you were running for Student Council. 993 00:38:57,560 --> 00:39:00,392 I remember you said, "Everyone at this school 994 00:39:00,394 --> 00:39:02,592 "pretends to care about the underdog, 995 00:39:02,594 --> 00:39:03,760 "but the planet Earth is 996 00:39:03,762 --> 00:39:04,960 "the biggest underdog of them all." 997 00:39:04,962 --> 00:39:06,258 Something like that. 998 00:39:06,260 --> 00:39:07,358 I said that? 999 00:39:07,360 --> 00:39:08,760 Yeah, you did say that. 1000 00:39:08,762 --> 00:39:10,659 You were in the kitchen, making pizza. 1001 00:39:10,661 --> 00:39:13,458 We were making signs for your election. 1002 00:39:13,460 --> 00:39:15,693 And you were wearing that shirt. 1003 00:39:15,695 --> 00:39:17,659 I don't know if it was a strawberry or a flower, 1004 00:39:17,661 --> 00:39:18,895 it always confused me. 1005 00:39:19,427 --> 00:39:20,492 It was both. 1006 00:39:20,494 --> 00:39:22,425 Oh, there you go. 1007 00:39:22,427 --> 00:39:24,258 That's all I remember about that night, though. 1008 00:39:24,260 --> 00:39:25,793 Uh, that's where my memories 1009 00:39:25,795 --> 00:39:29,291 concerning that evening expire. 1010 00:39:29,293 --> 00:39:31,760 I learned a lot from that election. 1011 00:39:31,762 --> 00:39:33,325 Yeah, that kids are probably more likely 1012 00:39:33,327 --> 00:39:34,726 to vote for two proms 1013 00:39:34,728 --> 00:39:37,225 than a very elaborate recycling program. 1014 00:39:37,227 --> 00:39:38,826 - (CHUCKLES) - Not only kids. 1015 00:39:38,828 --> 00:39:41,760 Yeah, that's true. 1016 00:39:41,762 --> 00:39:45,593 Did you know he asked me out to one of those proms? 1017 00:39:45,595 --> 00:39:46,760 - Bill Sterling? - Yeah. 1018 00:39:46,762 --> 00:39:47,926 After he beat you? 1019 00:39:47,928 --> 00:39:50,260 - Yup. - Prom one or prom two? 1020 00:39:51,595 --> 00:39:52,593 Oh! 1021 00:39:52,595 --> 00:39:55,425 What a fuckhead! You're way better than prom two. 1022 00:39:55,427 --> 00:39:56,526 (SIGHS AND LAUGHS) 1023 00:39:56,528 --> 00:39:59,225 I went to zero proms, by the way, for the record. 1024 00:39:59,227 --> 00:40:01,325 I think you're the smart one in this situation. 1025 00:40:01,327 --> 00:40:03,426 Yes, that's why I didn't go to prom. 1026 00:40:03,428 --> 00:40:06,662 'Cause I was too smart. Uh... 1027 00:40:08,795 --> 00:40:11,726 Cool. I'll get to work on that speech stuff. 1028 00:40:11,728 --> 00:40:12,728 Great. 1029 00:40:13,260 --> 00:40:14,325 Hey, Fred. 1030 00:40:14,327 --> 00:40:16,291 Yeah. 1031 00:40:16,293 --> 00:40:18,593 You know, if you want to try some non-joke stuff, 1032 00:40:18,595 --> 00:40:19,526 just go ahead. 1033 00:40:19,528 --> 00:40:22,526 Really? Like the main part of the speech? 1034 00:40:22,528 --> 00:40:24,561 Yeah. Just write. 1035 00:40:25,762 --> 00:40:27,428 Cool. Awesome. Thanks. 1036 00:40:27,994 --> 00:40:29,158 If you take another nap, 1037 00:40:29,160 --> 00:40:31,559 you should put on, like, a bicycle helmet or something. 1038 00:40:31,561 --> 00:40:33,459 'Cause you're gonna tip over, there's turbulence. 1039 00:40:33,461 --> 00:40:35,226 That's actually a really good idea. 1040 00:40:35,228 --> 00:40:36,359 It is. I want you to be careful. 1041 00:40:36,361 --> 00:40:37,493 - Yeah. - We need you. 1042 00:40:37,495 --> 00:40:38,595 (CHUCKLES) 1043 00:40:40,428 --> 00:40:42,428 - (INDISTINCT CHATTER) - (BAND PLAYING) 1044 00:40:43,994 --> 00:40:46,194 (CROWD APPLAUDING) 1045 00:40:53,828 --> 00:40:55,393 - Ambassador. - Welcome to Sweden. 1046 00:40:55,395 --> 00:40:56,693 Nice to see you again. 1047 00:40:56,695 --> 00:40:57,695 Yeah, you too. 1048 00:40:59,828 --> 00:41:01,393 I look forward to seeing you tonight at dinner. 1049 00:41:01,395 --> 00:41:02,493 Yes. 1050 00:41:02,495 --> 00:41:03,860 Uh, Madam Secretary, 1051 00:41:03,862 --> 00:41:05,226 I have some ideas I wanna throw by you. 1052 00:41:05,228 --> 00:41:06,426 Yeah, soon, Fred. 1053 00:41:06,428 --> 00:41:07,660 Tom, do you have the schedule? 1054 00:41:07,662 --> 00:41:09,361 - TOM: Yes, of course, ma'am. - (SIGHS) All right. 1055 00:41:12,428 --> 00:41:13,628 MAGGIE: In the back, Flarsky! 1056 00:41:15,294 --> 00:41:16,693 TOM: Then at 8:15, you have a fitting for tonight's gala. 1057 00:41:16,695 --> 00:41:19,626 Then at 8:45, a call with Iraqi Prime Minister Masum, 1058 00:41:19,628 --> 00:41:21,693 9:15, a call to Brazilian President Temer 1059 00:41:21,695 --> 00:41:22,860 about deforestation issues. 1060 00:41:22,862 --> 00:41:26,259 2:15, you have a call with U.K. Foreign Secretary Green 1061 00:41:26,261 --> 00:41:28,459 to discuss your tour of Scotland in a few weeks. 1062 00:41:28,461 --> 00:41:30,626 2:25, then you have a call with New York Times 1063 00:41:30,628 --> 00:41:32,859 to comment on POTUS' latest Instagram attack 1064 00:41:32,861 --> 00:41:35,226 on Prime Minister Bharath of Kashtar. 1065 00:41:35,228 --> 00:41:36,292 At 5:45, we're meeting with the head 1066 00:41:36,294 --> 00:41:37,359 of Sweden's Diplomatic Protocol, 1067 00:41:37,361 --> 00:41:40,292 Ingrid Minervudottir, to discuss tonight's schedule. 1068 00:41:40,294 --> 00:41:41,593 Okay. And then after that? 1069 00:41:41,595 --> 00:41:42,893 Also, Parker Wembley keeps trying to get 1070 00:41:42,895 --> 00:41:44,393 - some face time with you. - Oh, God. 1071 00:41:44,395 --> 00:41:46,626 Parker can wait. Okay, Fred. Go. 1072 00:41:46,628 --> 00:41:47,928 Yeah, sure. Um... 1073 00:41:48,595 --> 00:41:50,726 So, uh, you know, 1074 00:41:50,728 --> 00:41:52,559 based on what we were talking about last night, 1075 00:41:52,561 --> 00:41:55,426 I just took a stab at the whole speech, basically. 1076 00:41:55,428 --> 00:41:57,359 (CLICKS TONGUE) That's good. 1077 00:41:57,361 --> 00:41:59,926 - Thank you. - This part isn't. 1078 00:41:59,928 --> 00:42:02,493 Okay, well, you said you didn't want to sound too angry. 1079 00:42:02,495 --> 00:42:04,926 I also don't want to sound like I have a head injury. 1080 00:42:04,928 --> 00:42:06,626 Okay. Uh, I'll go change it. 1081 00:42:06,628 --> 00:42:07,993 Great. Thanks. 1082 00:42:07,995 --> 00:42:10,226 Okay, here we go. 1083 00:42:10,228 --> 00:42:11,626 - (SIGHS) - So... 1084 00:42:11,628 --> 00:42:13,228 All right. 1085 00:42:14,294 --> 00:42:15,393 Fred. 1086 00:42:15,395 --> 00:42:16,826 Yeah? 1087 00:42:16,828 --> 00:42:19,361 Do you have any grown-up clothes to wear tonight? 1088 00:42:23,461 --> 00:42:24,459 I was gonna... I was thinking 1089 00:42:24,461 --> 00:42:26,727 of zipping this up all the way, like to here. 1090 00:42:26,729 --> 00:42:27,661 That's kind of a little more... 1091 00:42:27,663 --> 00:42:29,292 It's, like, slightly more buttoned up. 1092 00:42:29,294 --> 00:42:30,326 MAGGIE: You know what, Madam Secretary, 1093 00:42:30,328 --> 00:42:34,359 I would be delighted to dress Fred for tonight. 1094 00:42:34,361 --> 00:42:35,627 Thank you, Maggie. I'd be thrilled 1095 00:42:35,629 --> 00:42:37,860 to have you dress me for tonight's event. 1096 00:42:37,862 --> 00:42:38,960 What a fun adventure. 1097 00:42:38,962 --> 00:42:41,292 Get a little makeover. All right, have a good one. 1098 00:42:41,294 --> 00:42:42,494 Thank you, Fred. 1099 00:42:42,496 --> 00:42:43,393 FRED: Why, thank you. 1100 00:42:43,395 --> 00:42:44,694 MAGGIE: ...and then it's saying hello, 1101 00:42:44,696 --> 00:42:45,826 you'll sit down, we'll have dinner, 1102 00:42:45,828 --> 00:42:47,226 - I'll pull you up... - Where's Flarsky? 1103 00:42:47,228 --> 00:42:48,326 Why are we waiting? 1104 00:42:48,328 --> 00:42:49,926 What, is he doing his hair? 1105 00:42:49,928 --> 00:42:51,529 - (SIGHS) - Um... 1106 00:42:51,928 --> 00:42:53,694 Oh. 1107 00:42:53,696 --> 00:42:56,328 - TOM: What the... - (CHARLOTTE LAUGHING) 1108 00:43:00,496 --> 00:43:01,793 What the fuck are you wearing? 1109 00:43:01,795 --> 00:43:03,826 She bought me this shit. Okay? 1110 00:43:03,828 --> 00:43:05,627 It's a traditional Swedish suit. 1111 00:43:05,629 --> 00:43:08,427 I don't see another fucking Swede up in here 1112 00:43:08,429 --> 00:43:09,727 dressed like this. 1113 00:43:09,729 --> 00:43:11,926 It's all I could do on such short notice. 1114 00:43:11,928 --> 00:43:14,594 You just take the jacket off, it's going to make it better. 1115 00:43:14,596 --> 00:43:18,161 It's just... Make it look... Oh, my God. 1116 00:43:20,762 --> 00:43:22,594 Better with the jacket on? Great. 1117 00:43:22,596 --> 00:43:24,594 Razzing the new guy, I get it. Fuck you, Maggie. 1118 00:43:24,596 --> 00:43:25,727 Calm the Smurf down. 1119 00:43:25,729 --> 00:43:26,795 Bring a fucking suit next time. 1120 00:43:31,562 --> 00:43:32,793 (CLEARS THROAT) 1121 00:43:32,795 --> 00:43:33,860 Do you like the speech? 1122 00:43:33,862 --> 00:43:35,027 Yes, the speech is good. 1123 00:43:35,029 --> 00:43:37,527 Oh, you're going to have to stay way back there, Fred. 1124 00:43:37,529 --> 00:43:39,293 Just stay back, Flarsky. Okay? She's got to focus. 1125 00:43:39,295 --> 00:43:40,360 On what? 1126 00:43:40,362 --> 00:43:41,560 Getting India and China to agree 1127 00:43:41,562 --> 00:43:42,627 to be a part of this initiative. 1128 00:43:42,629 --> 00:43:44,960 They haven't even agreed to be a part of it yet? 1129 00:43:44,962 --> 00:43:47,394 They will, we just have to sort out a few details. 1130 00:43:47,396 --> 00:43:48,494 We just wrote a whole speech 1131 00:43:48,496 --> 00:43:49,661 about how they're on-board already. 1132 00:43:49,663 --> 00:43:50,862 Don't worry, Fred. 1133 00:43:51,862 --> 00:43:53,627 You just stay here and make sure 1134 00:43:53,629 --> 00:43:56,826 nobody from Candy Land needs their car parked, okay? 1135 00:43:56,828 --> 00:43:58,227 I don't know why you needed a writer. 1136 00:43:58,229 --> 00:43:59,394 Those are sick burns. 1137 00:43:59,396 --> 00:44:00,793 (CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING) 1138 00:44:00,795 --> 00:44:03,293 CRIER: Secretary of State Charlotte Field 1139 00:44:03,295 --> 00:44:05,329 of the United States of America. 1140 00:44:07,696 --> 00:44:09,560 Your Majesty. Your Highness. 1141 00:44:09,562 --> 00:44:10,895 - Your Highness. - Pleasure. 1142 00:44:16,862 --> 00:44:18,329 - (CLEARS THROAT) - Oh. 1143 00:44:20,562 --> 00:44:22,927 No, thank you. I'm working right now. 1144 00:44:22,929 --> 00:44:24,562 And you know you are, too. 1145 00:44:25,963 --> 00:44:27,094 I do know that. 1146 00:44:27,096 --> 00:44:29,494 But you dressed me like Cap'n Crunch's Grindr date, 1147 00:44:29,496 --> 00:44:31,794 so I'm going to drink to make you uncomfortable. 1148 00:44:31,796 --> 00:44:34,496 Honestly, Fred, your entire life makes me uncomfortable. 1149 00:44:35,829 --> 00:44:37,394 (MAN SPEAKING SWEDISH) 1150 00:44:37,396 --> 00:44:38,827 FRED: Oh no, fuck me. 1151 00:44:38,829 --> 00:44:41,327 (MAN SPEAKING SWEDISH) 1152 00:44:41,329 --> 00:44:42,961 - Yes. - (CONTINUES IN SWEDISH) 1153 00:44:42,963 --> 00:44:46,560 We both shop in the same mystical village, I see. 1154 00:44:46,562 --> 00:44:48,961 - (CONTINUES IN SWEDISH) - Yes, you look great. 1155 00:44:48,963 --> 00:44:50,327 - Congratulations. - Skal. 1156 00:44:50,329 --> 00:44:51,894 Skal. Skal to you, too. 1157 00:44:51,896 --> 00:44:54,796 - (SPEAKS SWEDISH) - Yes. (SPEAKS SWEDISH) 1158 00:44:56,896 --> 00:44:57,896 Jesus. 1159 00:45:00,496 --> 00:45:03,494 Hey, we're making a few revisions to the speech. 1160 00:45:03,496 --> 00:45:04,494 What? 1161 00:45:04,496 --> 00:45:06,661 So we're losing the "Seas" part, so go cut that, 1162 00:45:06,663 --> 00:45:08,628 and then brainstorm a couple of other funny lines 1163 00:45:08,630 --> 00:45:09,727 for the "Trees" section, okay? 1164 00:45:09,729 --> 00:45:10,961 Wait, wait, wait, wait. 1165 00:45:10,963 --> 00:45:13,628 Losing the Seas part, why? 1166 00:45:13,630 --> 00:45:15,028 Because India wouldn't go for it. So we had to pivot. 1167 00:45:15,030 --> 00:45:17,794 That's not a pivot, that's a third of the whole fucking shit. 1168 00:45:17,796 --> 00:45:20,260 Are you kidding me? That's it, it's just gone? 1169 00:45:20,262 --> 00:45:21,360 Yeah, it's gone. 1170 00:45:21,362 --> 00:45:22,327 And there's nothing we can do? 1171 00:45:22,329 --> 00:45:23,427 No. And you don't have to worry about it. 1172 00:45:23,429 --> 00:45:27,461 Just go over to the computer. Start typey-typing. 1173 00:45:27,463 --> 00:45:28,463 Well, no. 1174 00:45:29,463 --> 00:45:30,961 I'm not gonna do that. 1175 00:45:30,963 --> 00:45:32,861 So you quit, resignation accepted. 1176 00:45:32,863 --> 00:45:34,428 I will rewrite the speech. 1177 00:45:34,430 --> 00:45:35,528 Oh, the fuck you will! 1178 00:45:35,530 --> 00:45:36,629 What the fuck? 1179 00:45:37,729 --> 00:45:39,694 (ALL GASP) 1180 00:45:39,696 --> 00:45:41,629 (INDISTINCT CHATTER) 1181 00:45:46,430 --> 00:45:47,863 - MAGGIE: You don't... - FRED: Let go! 1182 00:45:52,597 --> 00:45:53,896 (GUEST GASPING) 1183 00:45:55,929 --> 00:45:57,028 FRED: Look out. Excuse me! 1184 00:45:57,030 --> 00:45:58,727 MAGGIE: Stop running! Stop running! Stop running! 1185 00:45:58,729 --> 00:45:59,827 Fred, stop running! 1186 00:45:59,829 --> 00:46:01,629 (GUEST MURMURING) 1187 00:46:02,497 --> 00:46:03,497 Fred... 1188 00:46:04,330 --> 00:46:05,463 (EXCLAIMS) 1189 00:46:08,563 --> 00:46:09,627 Why did you do that? 1190 00:46:09,629 --> 00:46:11,561 Because I will not have you damage 1191 00:46:11,563 --> 00:46:12,894 the integrity of my writing! 1192 00:46:12,896 --> 00:46:14,894 The integrity of your writing? 1193 00:46:14,896 --> 00:46:17,428 You're a punch-up writer, you're not Maya Angelou! 1194 00:46:17,430 --> 00:46:18,927 What is going on? 1195 00:46:18,929 --> 00:46:20,627 What's going on with you, bruh? 1196 00:46:20,629 --> 00:46:21,661 Did you just call me "bruh"? 1197 00:46:21,663 --> 00:46:24,428 - She's the secretary of state. - Is he high? 1198 00:46:24,430 --> 00:46:26,627 MAGGIE: He is wasted, but he's also just stupid. 1199 00:46:26,629 --> 00:46:28,296 Meet me in the conference room, I'll handle this. 1200 00:46:30,996 --> 00:46:32,528 What's the deal, Fred? 1201 00:46:32,530 --> 00:46:35,328 What's the deal? What's the deal? What are... 1202 00:46:35,330 --> 00:46:37,294 The only reason I'm here is 'cause you told me 1203 00:46:37,296 --> 00:46:38,594 you cared about this shit, 1204 00:46:38,596 --> 00:46:40,861 and in the time I come out here to have a smoke, 1205 00:46:40,863 --> 00:46:43,694 you fucking got rid of a massive element of the whole thing. 1206 00:46:43,696 --> 00:46:46,995 I got two out of three. I only lost one. 1207 00:46:46,997 --> 00:46:50,228 That one was the seas. 1208 00:46:50,230 --> 00:46:52,661 It covers 75% of the planet! 1209 00:46:52,663 --> 00:46:54,594 - It's a pretty big one! - Bring down your voice. 1210 00:46:54,596 --> 00:46:55,694 You know why I'm upset? 1211 00:46:55,696 --> 00:46:57,794 This is exactly what I thought was going to happen. 1212 00:46:57,796 --> 00:46:59,928 And I even said it. I said it in your office. 1213 00:46:59,930 --> 00:47:02,694 I don't want to write for some bullshit politician. 1214 00:47:02,696 --> 00:47:03,962 I wanted to write for you. 1215 00:47:03,964 --> 00:47:05,694 Because I thought you cared about this shit. 1216 00:47:05,696 --> 00:47:08,495 Until you're running the game, you have to play the game. 1217 00:47:08,497 --> 00:47:10,428 Well, then, by the time you win the game, 1218 00:47:10,430 --> 00:47:13,560 you don't know who's scoring touchdowns on whose nets, 1219 00:47:13,562 --> 00:47:15,428 and you don't know who's hitting home runs 1220 00:47:15,430 --> 00:47:16,895 in whose fucking end zones! 1221 00:47:16,897 --> 00:47:18,461 - What are you talking about? - I don't know sports. 1222 00:47:18,463 --> 00:47:19,694 Let me try it with food. 1223 00:47:19,696 --> 00:47:21,962 You wanna open a restaurant. But all you got is chopsticks. 1224 00:47:21,964 --> 00:47:24,661 No! I don't have time for this, okay? 1225 00:47:24,663 --> 00:47:27,361 If you want to quit, then just fucking quit. 1226 00:47:27,363 --> 00:47:29,228 - I don't give a shit. - Yeah, you don't give a shit. 1227 00:47:29,230 --> 00:47:30,261 - No, I don't. - You used to fucking give a shit, 1228 00:47:30,263 --> 00:47:32,495 but now you don't give a shit about anything. 1229 00:47:32,497 --> 00:47:34,228 You cared more about recycling in high school 1230 00:47:34,230 --> 00:47:36,330 than you do this shit and it's very disappointing to me. 1231 00:47:37,529 --> 00:47:39,828 Fuck this. I've got a speech to give. 1232 00:47:39,830 --> 00:47:40,995 Oh, yeah, good luck giving it, 1233 00:47:40,997 --> 00:47:42,328 it's on my computer in the snow. 1234 00:47:42,330 --> 00:47:43,828 I have copies, you idiot. 1235 00:47:43,830 --> 00:47:46,196 You just threw your computer in the snow, that's it. 1236 00:47:47,296 --> 00:47:49,562 Oh, no! Shit! 1237 00:47:50,730 --> 00:47:52,795 Oh, God damn it! 1238 00:47:52,797 --> 00:47:55,527 It's soaked! I need a bowl of rice! 1239 00:47:55,529 --> 00:47:57,263 I need a big bowl of rice! 1240 00:47:58,597 --> 00:48:01,828 God damn it! Why didn't I back this thing up? 1241 00:48:01,830 --> 00:48:03,397 All my shit's on here. 1242 00:48:13,730 --> 00:48:15,230 CHARLOTTE: Fred. Look. 1243 00:48:18,930 --> 00:48:20,131 Wow. 1244 00:48:23,997 --> 00:48:26,163 I've never seen anything like that. 1245 00:48:28,530 --> 00:48:29,530 No, I... 1246 00:48:30,463 --> 00:48:32,497 I've seen pictures of it, but I never... 1247 00:48:33,697 --> 00:48:34,697 ...actually... 1248 00:48:36,630 --> 00:48:38,730 I never saw it. (SNIFFLES) 1249 00:48:39,697 --> 00:48:41,331 Are you crying right now? 1250 00:48:42,263 --> 00:48:43,263 It's pretty. 1251 00:48:47,764 --> 00:48:48,764 Yeah. 1252 00:48:51,331 --> 00:48:52,331 Fred? 1253 00:48:52,764 --> 00:48:53,764 (SNIFFLES) Yeah? 1254 00:48:55,264 --> 00:48:57,495 If you ever pull some shit like that again, 1255 00:48:57,497 --> 00:48:58,830 I'll have you thrown in Gitmo. 1256 00:49:01,331 --> 00:49:03,197 Yes, Madam Secretary. I'm sorry. 1257 00:49:04,930 --> 00:49:07,430 You better hope this fucking speech goes over well. 1258 00:49:10,231 --> 00:49:14,428 I've often gravitated toward the underdog. 1259 00:49:14,430 --> 00:49:18,862 The band of misfits who fight back against the bullies. 1260 00:49:18,864 --> 00:49:21,730 In high school, I would talk about the underdog a lot. 1261 00:49:23,463 --> 00:49:26,262 And I would often find myself on a soapbox, 1262 00:49:26,264 --> 00:49:29,664 rambling on and on about the injustices of the world. 1263 00:49:32,730 --> 00:49:35,295 Which makes you extremely popular, 1264 00:49:35,297 --> 00:49:37,795 especially when everybody would rather be watching 1265 00:49:37,797 --> 00:49:39,862 Beverly Hills, 90210. 1266 00:49:39,864 --> 00:49:41,497 (ALL LAUGH) 1267 00:49:43,897 --> 00:49:46,561 But that is why I am happy to announce 1268 00:49:46,563 --> 00:49:49,828 an initiative that would make my 16-year-old self proud. 1269 00:49:49,830 --> 00:49:52,329 In what is now being dubbed "The Underdog Speech," 1270 00:49:52,331 --> 00:49:54,595 the secretary of state opened up about her childhood 1271 00:49:54,597 --> 00:49:55,896 and passion for the environment 1272 00:49:55,898 --> 00:49:58,495 by announcing a bold new initiative... 1273 00:49:58,497 --> 00:50:01,595 ...turns out she has always been an Andrea Zuckerman 1274 00:50:01,597 --> 00:50:03,764 in the body of a Kelly Taylor. 1275 00:50:05,630 --> 00:50:07,430 - Hey. - Hi. 1276 00:50:08,597 --> 00:50:10,295 Oh, wow, you shaved your neck. 1277 00:50:10,297 --> 00:50:11,561 I did. I cleaned it up. 1278 00:50:11,563 --> 00:50:13,763 Got my whole back. Went all the way down. 1279 00:50:13,765 --> 00:50:14,929 Looks good. 1280 00:50:14,931 --> 00:50:16,763 Trying to make a good impression, I guess, anyway... 1281 00:50:16,765 --> 00:50:18,829 I, uh... 1282 00:50:18,831 --> 00:50:22,328 I just wanted to apologize to you, again, 1283 00:50:22,330 --> 00:50:25,662 for acting a little crazy, you know. 1284 00:50:25,664 --> 00:50:27,328 I'm gonna... 1285 00:50:27,330 --> 00:50:28,561 I'm going to really try to tone it down 1286 00:50:28,563 --> 00:50:32,231 and not, you know, make you risk global, uh, humiliation. 1287 00:50:32,597 --> 00:50:33,698 Good. Great. 1288 00:50:34,330 --> 00:50:35,461 Also. 1289 00:50:35,463 --> 00:50:36,996 I googled speech writing 1290 00:50:36,998 --> 00:50:38,796 and it was actually very informative. 1291 00:50:38,798 --> 00:50:39,763 What I learned 1292 00:50:39,765 --> 00:50:41,063 was that in order to write better for you, 1293 00:50:41,065 --> 00:50:44,495 I should kinda get to know you better and get in your head, 1294 00:50:44,497 --> 00:50:45,629 and everything I already know about you, 1295 00:50:45,631 --> 00:50:46,829 I kinda used on the first speech. 1296 00:50:46,831 --> 00:50:48,295 So, what I did 1297 00:50:48,297 --> 00:50:49,696 was I wrote a ton of questions 1298 00:50:49,698 --> 00:50:51,461 that will maybe help me capture your voice, 1299 00:50:51,463 --> 00:50:52,763 if you have a minute. 1300 00:50:52,765 --> 00:50:54,629 I actually have seven. 1301 00:50:54,631 --> 00:50:56,796 Seven. Okay, great. Yeah. I'll take it. 1302 00:50:56,798 --> 00:50:58,294 - All right. - Seven minutes in heaven. 1303 00:50:58,296 --> 00:50:59,629 (CHUCKLES) Um... 1304 00:50:59,631 --> 00:51:01,596 - Okay. (CLEARS THROAT) - So. Ah... I guess... 1305 00:51:01,598 --> 00:51:02,763 Just like... What are you into? 1306 00:51:02,765 --> 00:51:03,963 What kind of shit you into? 1307 00:51:03,965 --> 00:51:05,829 Well, this is pretty much it. 1308 00:51:05,831 --> 00:51:07,629 I mean, secretary of state stuff. 1309 00:51:07,631 --> 00:51:09,929 Do you have any hobbies? Anything? Do you watch TV? 1310 00:51:09,931 --> 00:51:11,562 Do you watch Game of Thrones or anything like that? 1311 00:51:11,564 --> 00:51:13,262 Oh, I'm fully aware of what happened 1312 00:51:13,264 --> 00:51:14,763 in every season of Game of Thrones. 1313 00:51:14,765 --> 00:51:16,596 Because you watch it? 1314 00:51:16,598 --> 00:51:18,729 Because I read synopses on every episode. 1315 00:51:18,731 --> 00:51:20,396 That can't actually work. 1316 00:51:20,398 --> 00:51:22,294 I couldn't believe when Khaleesi's dragon 1317 00:51:22,296 --> 00:51:23,665 (WHISPERS) came back as a White Walker. 1318 00:51:24,331 --> 00:51:25,629 (WHISPERS) Whoa! 1319 00:51:25,631 --> 00:51:26,729 - See? - What about movies? 1320 00:51:26,731 --> 00:51:27,996 Do you watch movies? 1321 00:51:27,998 --> 00:51:30,261 Synopses of all the award contenders. 1322 00:51:30,263 --> 00:51:31,596 You used to love movies! 1323 00:51:31,598 --> 00:51:33,696 You made me watch Encino Man 30 times. 1324 00:51:33,698 --> 00:51:36,329 "Wheeze a little juice!" 1325 00:51:36,331 --> 00:51:38,396 (LAUGHING) You still do the worst Pauly Shore impression 1326 00:51:38,398 --> 00:51:40,230 in the history of mankind. 1327 00:51:40,232 --> 00:51:42,663 I can't believe you're still doing "The Weasel" 1328 00:51:42,665 --> 00:51:44,295 and you haven't seen any of the Marvel Universe. 1329 00:51:44,297 --> 00:51:47,232 Those movies are sick. You're like frozen in time. 1330 00:51:47,831 --> 00:51:49,496 I am Encino Man. 1331 00:51:49,498 --> 00:51:50,496 (FRED SCOFFS) 1332 00:51:50,498 --> 00:51:53,329 All right, what is your favorite book as a kid? 1333 00:51:53,331 --> 00:51:55,362 The Velveteen Rabbit. You? 1334 00:51:55,364 --> 00:51:56,696 Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas. 1335 00:51:56,698 --> 00:51:58,863 - Oh, that explains a lot. - (CHUCKLING) Yeah. 1336 00:51:58,865 --> 00:52:00,763 (GREETS IN VIETNAMESE) 1337 00:52:00,765 --> 00:52:03,262 I'm so sorry for what we've done to you. 1338 00:52:03,264 --> 00:52:04,829 Best drug experience? 1339 00:52:04,831 --> 00:52:06,763 I could get summoned at any moment 1340 00:52:06,765 --> 00:52:08,262 to deal with an international crisis, 1341 00:52:08,264 --> 00:52:09,596 I can't do that on acid. 1342 00:52:09,598 --> 00:52:10,863 What about Molly? 1343 00:52:10,865 --> 00:52:11,996 Who's Molly? 1344 00:52:11,998 --> 00:52:13,596 (SIGHS) 1345 00:52:13,598 --> 00:52:15,295 REPORTER: Secretary of State Charlotte Field 1346 00:52:15,297 --> 00:52:18,396 continues on her impressive 20-country world tour 1347 00:52:18,398 --> 00:52:19,796 to garner more support 1348 00:52:19,798 --> 00:52:21,529 for her ambitious environmental initiative. 1349 00:52:21,531 --> 00:52:23,362 And all in a private jet, no less. 1350 00:52:23,364 --> 00:52:24,863 You know what would save the environment? 1351 00:52:24,865 --> 00:52:26,663 Charlotte Field grounding her ass. 1352 00:52:26,665 --> 00:52:28,262 I know where I'd like to ground her ass. 1353 00:52:28,264 --> 00:52:30,596 (LAUGHS) Oh, I walked right into that one. 1354 00:52:30,598 --> 00:52:32,796 Must Have Been Love by Roxette. 1355 00:52:32,798 --> 00:52:35,329 - Oh! That's just fucking hot. - Right? 1356 00:52:35,331 --> 00:52:36,796 - I got a new one. - (MUFFLED) What? 1357 00:52:36,798 --> 00:52:38,229 I got to change my favorite song. 1358 00:52:38,231 --> 00:52:39,863 - You have too many. - I've done it a few times. 1359 00:52:39,865 --> 00:52:42,897 Broccoli by DRAM, featuring Lil Yachty. 1360 00:52:42,899 --> 00:52:44,462 All those words 1361 00:52:44,464 --> 00:52:46,362 - are the name of a song? - Yeah. 1362 00:52:46,364 --> 00:52:47,362 CHARLOTTE: I don't really think I have one. 1363 00:52:47,364 --> 00:52:49,629 FRED: You gotta have one. Everyone has one. 1364 00:52:49,631 --> 00:52:51,596 Well, I don't embarrass that easily. 1365 00:52:51,598 --> 00:52:53,496 Yeah, I hear that. I don't either, really. 1366 00:52:53,498 --> 00:52:55,596 - Yes, you do. - No, I don't! 1367 00:52:55,598 --> 00:52:58,529 (LAUGHING) Oh, my God. Okay. 1368 00:52:58,531 --> 00:53:00,766 What's your favorite sexual position? 1369 00:53:02,431 --> 00:53:04,596 I mean, you know, front. 1370 00:53:04,598 --> 00:53:06,295 - Normal. Front facing normal. - (LAUGHING) Oh, my God. 1371 00:53:06,297 --> 00:53:07,864 - What kinda question is that? - That's all it took. 1372 00:53:07,866 --> 00:53:08,830 Look at you. 1373 00:53:08,832 --> 00:53:10,930 Well, what's your favorite sexual position? 1374 00:53:10,932 --> 00:53:12,964 - Don't be gross, Fred. Hi. - Yeah, see? 1375 00:53:12,966 --> 00:53:15,164 What's your favorite sexual position? 1376 00:53:15,866 --> 00:53:17,666 It's too complicated to explain. 1377 00:53:18,832 --> 00:53:20,598 - Really? - I told you mine. 1378 00:53:21,297 --> 00:53:23,295 Oh, God, okay. (SIGHS) 1379 00:53:23,297 --> 00:53:25,764 I just got back from a trip to New Delhi. 1380 00:53:25,766 --> 00:53:27,730 - Yeah? - I got called into a meeting 1381 00:53:27,732 --> 00:53:30,329 with the Joint Chiefs, and I was a little nervous. 1382 00:53:30,331 --> 00:53:32,462 - Yeah. - Yeah. 1383 00:53:32,464 --> 00:53:36,496 And my stomach was a little weird from all the curry. 1384 00:53:36,498 --> 00:53:37,565 Oh, no. 1385 00:53:38,264 --> 00:53:39,231 Delhi belly. 1386 00:53:41,499 --> 00:53:45,462 Well, we were in a motorcade and we couldn't stop. 1387 00:53:45,464 --> 00:53:46,799 - Oh, no. - Mmm-hmm. 1388 00:53:47,599 --> 00:53:48,864 God... 1389 00:53:48,866 --> 00:53:52,864 I ruined a really nice Dolce & Gabbana bag. 1390 00:53:52,866 --> 00:53:55,295 - You puked in it? - Nope. 1391 00:53:55,297 --> 00:53:58,497 Oh, no! In a moving vehicle? 1392 00:53:58,499 --> 00:54:01,329 (SPEAKING RUSSIAN ON TV) 1393 00:54:01,331 --> 00:54:03,563 Do you actually understand what's happening right now? 1394 00:54:03,565 --> 00:54:05,964 Yes, I speak Russian. 1395 00:54:05,966 --> 00:54:08,430 FRED: The Russian Samuel L. Jackson guy is dope. 1396 00:54:08,432 --> 00:54:10,799 Do svidanya, motherfuckers! 1397 00:54:11,632 --> 00:54:13,666 - (GASPS) - (GUNFIRE ON TV) 1398 00:54:15,298 --> 00:54:17,630 Oh, my God, they just shot the pirate guy! 1399 00:54:17,632 --> 00:54:18,864 But he's keeping the team together. 1400 00:54:18,866 --> 00:54:19,930 I know. 1401 00:54:19,932 --> 00:54:21,330 I don't think I can handle that. 1402 00:54:21,332 --> 00:54:22,397 - Oh, it's okay. - No, 1403 00:54:22,399 --> 00:54:24,530 I really liked him in the movie. 1404 00:54:24,532 --> 00:54:25,797 Don't worry, just keep watching. 1405 00:54:25,799 --> 00:54:28,530 FRED: You know, the Philippines gets a bad rap. 1406 00:54:28,532 --> 00:54:30,363 Because it's pretty nice here. 1407 00:54:30,365 --> 00:54:32,764 You'd never know civil war was about to break out. 1408 00:54:32,766 --> 00:54:34,230 This is good. 1409 00:54:34,232 --> 00:54:35,397 - Oh, yeah? - Yeah. 1410 00:54:35,399 --> 00:54:40,430 Hey. What if we use this line to start with? 1411 00:54:40,432 --> 00:54:41,697 Yeah, "I'm going to start this speech 1412 00:54:41,699 --> 00:54:43,296 "by saying the same thing I said to my boss 1413 00:54:43,298 --> 00:54:45,764 "at Blockbuster Video when I was 16. 1414 00:54:45,766 --> 00:54:46,964 - "I quit." - (LAUGHING) 1415 00:54:46,966 --> 00:54:49,397 - That's not bad. - I love that. 1416 00:54:49,399 --> 00:54:51,363 This is really fucking good. 1417 00:54:51,365 --> 00:54:53,530 Look at you, you get me, Fred. 1418 00:54:53,532 --> 00:54:55,730 I totally get you. 1419 00:54:55,732 --> 00:54:57,563 ♪ All I want for my birthday 1420 00:54:57,565 --> 00:54:59,397 ♪ Is a big booty ho 1421 00:54:59,399 --> 00:55:00,864 ♪ All I want for my birthday... ♪ 1422 00:55:00,866 --> 00:55:02,597 I couldn't be happier that out of all the shit 1423 00:55:02,599 --> 00:55:04,397 I played you from the last decade, 1424 00:55:04,399 --> 00:55:05,964 that what you've liked the most is 2 Chainz. 1425 00:55:05,966 --> 00:55:08,363 - It's catchy. - It's awesome. 1426 00:55:08,365 --> 00:55:09,499 (CHUCKLES) 1427 00:55:12,967 --> 00:55:15,832 So, are you, like, dating the prime minister of Canada? 1428 00:55:18,332 --> 00:55:19,864 - No. No. - No. 1429 00:55:19,866 --> 00:55:21,664 I feel like I read... Did I read that 1430 00:55:21,666 --> 00:55:23,630 in some shitty tabloid that you guys were dating? 1431 00:55:23,632 --> 00:55:26,463 - Maybe it's not true. - No, I'm sure you did. It's... 1432 00:55:26,465 --> 00:55:29,296 They like to write about it, but no. I... 1433 00:55:29,298 --> 00:55:32,296 We're not, we... We flirt. 1434 00:55:32,298 --> 00:55:33,697 - Yeah. Okay. - Kind of. 1435 00:55:33,699 --> 00:55:36,399 It's weird. We made out once. 1436 00:55:37,265 --> 00:55:38,332 Dope. 1437 00:55:38,666 --> 00:55:39,865 You asked. 1438 00:55:39,867 --> 00:55:41,931 No, hey! I've hooked up with 1439 00:55:41,933 --> 00:55:44,363 my fair share of world leaders, too. 1440 00:55:44,365 --> 00:55:46,432 I 69'd Fidel Castro once. 1441 00:55:47,365 --> 00:55:48,632 You thought his beard was big. 1442 00:55:49,365 --> 00:55:50,430 Um... 1443 00:55:50,432 --> 00:55:53,463 But how does that work with you? Do you, like... 1444 00:55:53,465 --> 00:55:55,397 Do you, like, date? 1445 00:55:55,399 --> 00:55:59,198 Uh... Yeah. I date. 1446 00:55:59,900 --> 00:56:01,831 Generally, you know, 1447 00:56:01,833 --> 00:56:04,363 with people who have similar lifestyles to me. 1448 00:56:04,365 --> 00:56:05,867 People who travel a lot. 1449 00:56:07,800 --> 00:56:11,465 It's hard to keep those things alive. I... 1450 00:56:12,800 --> 00:56:15,230 I mean, who wants to follow me around the world 1451 00:56:15,232 --> 00:56:17,566 and hope I have five minutes to be affectionate? 1452 00:56:18,465 --> 00:56:19,831 - Yeah. - And honestly, 1453 00:56:19,833 --> 00:56:21,598 guys don't really want to date women 1454 00:56:21,600 --> 00:56:22,898 who are more powerful than them. 1455 00:56:22,900 --> 00:56:24,499 They think they do, but... 1456 00:56:25,767 --> 00:56:27,598 It's a dick shriveller. 1457 00:56:27,600 --> 00:56:29,698 - Uff. - Mmm-hmm. 1458 00:56:29,700 --> 00:56:31,931 Dick Shriveller is my favorite Batman villain though. 1459 00:56:31,933 --> 00:56:33,633 - So... - (CHUCKLING SOFTLY) 1460 00:56:35,332 --> 00:56:37,263 You gonna ask why I'm still single? 1461 00:56:37,265 --> 00:56:39,765 - No, I get it. - (LAUGHING) 1462 00:56:39,767 --> 00:56:41,867 - It makes sense. - Yeah. It adds up. 1463 00:56:47,733 --> 00:56:49,598 - (WHOOSHING) - (GASPS) 1464 00:56:49,600 --> 00:56:51,598 - (EXPLOSION) - (FRED GRUNTING) 1465 00:56:51,600 --> 00:56:52,731 We're right in front of the window. 1466 00:56:52,733 --> 00:56:54,731 - (GUNFIRE) - (EXPLOSION) 1467 00:56:54,733 --> 00:56:56,331 What the fuck is happening? 1468 00:56:56,333 --> 00:56:57,964 Insurgents are fighting the army. 1469 00:56:57,966 --> 00:56:59,865 - Are we in danger? - Yes! Yes! 1470 00:56:59,867 --> 00:57:01,531 Madam Secretary, we need to leave now! 1471 00:57:01,533 --> 00:57:02,865 - (GUNFIRE) - FRED: Fuck! 1472 00:57:02,867 --> 00:57:04,232 AGENT: This way! 1473 00:57:05,600 --> 00:57:07,598 All right, guys, come with me. 1474 00:57:07,600 --> 00:57:09,198 - Come on. - (ALL SCREAM) 1475 00:57:33,533 --> 00:57:34,665 Secretary Field, this way! 1476 00:57:34,667 --> 00:57:36,633 - I got her, secure them! - (FRED GRUNTS) 1477 00:57:37,633 --> 00:57:38,700 This way. 1478 00:57:42,233 --> 00:57:43,400 You'll be safe in here. 1479 00:57:44,700 --> 00:57:46,731 Oh, fuck! Are you okay? 1480 00:57:46,733 --> 00:57:47,731 Yeah, I'm okay. Are you okay? 1481 00:57:47,733 --> 00:57:49,731 I'm okay. Yeah. (STAMMERS) We're okay. Okay. 1482 00:57:49,733 --> 00:57:53,731 - Okay. - Okay. Okay. Holy shit! 1483 00:57:53,733 --> 00:57:56,964 (EXCLAIMS) Oh, we could have just died. 1484 00:57:56,966 --> 00:57:59,765 Oh, my God, I'm freaking out a bit right now. 1485 00:57:59,767 --> 00:58:00,831 (BREATHING HEAVILY) I'm having a hard time 1486 00:58:00,833 --> 00:58:01,965 catching my breath a little bit. 1487 00:58:01,967 --> 00:58:03,032 You don't seem like you're freaking out very much. 1488 00:58:03,034 --> 00:58:06,364 I am! I'm employing a Navy SEAL breathing technique, 1489 00:58:06,366 --> 00:58:07,631 for dealing with panicking. 1490 00:58:07,633 --> 00:58:09,864 It's just gonna take about 90 seconds to work. 1491 00:58:09,866 --> 00:58:12,831 90 seconds? I need more than fucking 90 seconds! 1492 00:58:12,833 --> 00:58:14,564 I need 90 fucking years! 1493 00:58:14,566 --> 00:58:17,264 I'm fucked up for life from this shit, yo! 1494 00:58:17,266 --> 00:58:19,998 I have so many regrets, did so many terrible things! 1495 00:58:20,000 --> 00:58:23,431 When I was 12, I peed on a dog to impress an older kid. 1496 00:58:23,433 --> 00:58:25,733 The dog didn't like it. The older kid didn't either! 1497 00:58:26,600 --> 00:58:27,665 It was just pointless. 1498 00:58:27,667 --> 00:58:29,431 - (EXPLOSION) - What the fuck? 1499 00:58:29,433 --> 00:58:31,500 Holy shit! Fuck! 1500 00:58:32,600 --> 00:58:34,799 Is there more? Is there gonna be more? 1501 00:58:34,801 --> 00:58:35,998 - Fred. - Is there more? 1502 00:58:36,000 --> 00:58:37,398 You're gonna have to calm down. 1503 00:58:37,400 --> 00:58:38,631 I don't think I can. 1504 00:58:38,633 --> 00:58:40,431 Sit down with me. 1505 00:58:40,433 --> 00:58:41,564 And breathe. 1506 00:58:41,566 --> 00:58:43,931 - Four seconds in. - (BREATHING HEAVILY) 1507 00:58:43,933 --> 00:58:44,998 Four seconds out. 1508 00:58:45,000 --> 00:58:46,831 Four seconds in. 1509 00:58:46,833 --> 00:58:48,498 (GASPING) One, two, three, four... 1510 00:58:48,500 --> 00:58:51,364 - Four seconds out. - One, two... 1511 00:58:51,366 --> 00:58:54,231 - Four seconds in. - One, two, three, four... 1512 00:58:54,233 --> 00:58:55,732 You don't have to count while you're doing this. 1513 00:58:55,734 --> 00:58:56,865 ...four. It helps me. 1514 00:58:56,867 --> 00:59:00,564 - (WHEEZING) One, two, three, four... - There you go. 1515 00:59:00,566 --> 00:59:02,898 One, two, three, four. 1516 00:59:02,900 --> 00:59:04,801 - One, two, three, four. - (EXHALING DEEPLY) 1517 00:59:05,668 --> 00:59:07,466 One, two, three, four. 1518 00:59:08,668 --> 00:59:10,701 - You got it. - (SIGHS) That actually works. 1519 00:59:11,734 --> 00:59:13,266 Those guys are good. 1520 00:59:14,967 --> 00:59:16,501 (EXHALING DEEPLY) 1521 00:59:17,833 --> 00:59:19,532 We did almost just die, though. 1522 00:59:19,534 --> 00:59:20,599 We actually did almost die. 1523 00:59:20,601 --> 00:59:22,264 - Yeah. - Oh, thank God. 1524 00:59:22,266 --> 00:59:23,398 That actually makes me feel better. 1525 00:59:23,400 --> 00:59:24,532 Means I didn't overreact. 1526 00:59:24,534 --> 00:59:27,266 Oh, God, no, you completely overreacted. (LAUGHING) 1527 00:59:28,333 --> 00:59:29,501 Yeah, maybe. 1528 00:59:32,000 --> 00:59:33,800 I can think of worse ways to go 1529 00:59:34,867 --> 00:59:36,534 than here with you. (CHUCKLES) 1530 00:59:37,867 --> 00:59:39,766 Honestly, this has been like, 1531 00:59:39,768 --> 00:59:42,567 the best few weeks of my entire life. 1532 00:59:45,933 --> 00:59:47,264 You don't have to say it back to me. 1533 00:59:47,266 --> 00:59:48,532 I know it's not true for you. 1534 00:59:48,534 --> 00:59:50,565 I saw you sing with Bruce Springsteen last year, 1535 00:59:50,567 --> 00:59:51,931 at that benefit concert. That was probably 1536 00:59:51,933 --> 00:59:53,399 a way better week. 1537 00:59:53,401 --> 00:59:56,231 Just as an example. (CHUCKLES) 1538 00:59:56,233 --> 00:59:58,666 Well, this is a pretty close second. 1539 00:59:58,668 --> 01:00:00,765 Really? To The Boss? 1540 01:00:00,767 --> 01:00:01,831 Yeah. 1541 01:00:01,833 --> 01:00:04,166 Wow. That's nice. 1542 01:00:10,800 --> 01:00:12,167 Uh... 1543 01:00:17,833 --> 01:00:20,898 I feel like maybe you want me to kiss you right now, 1544 01:00:20,900 --> 01:00:22,865 but I don't want to make the same stupid mistake 1545 01:00:22,867 --> 01:00:24,298 I made 25 years ago. 1546 01:00:24,300 --> 01:00:26,167 Wouldn't be a stupid mistake. 1547 01:00:26,867 --> 01:00:28,467 Wait... Really? 1548 01:00:35,000 --> 01:00:36,599 We've secured the location. 1549 01:00:36,601 --> 01:00:39,467 But we need to move you. The helicopter is standing by. 1550 01:00:40,567 --> 01:00:42,267 Thank you, Agent M. 1551 01:00:46,833 --> 01:00:48,232 FRED: Holy shit. 1552 01:00:48,234 --> 01:00:49,298 That helicopter was way louder 1553 01:00:49,300 --> 01:00:50,698 than I thought it was gonna be. 1554 01:00:50,700 --> 01:00:52,668 - MAGGIE: Fred, enough. Enough. - I'm sorry! I'm sorry! 1555 01:00:53,534 --> 01:00:54,632 We're safe here though? 1556 01:00:54,634 --> 01:00:56,298 - MAGGIE: Yes! - TOM: Oh, my God, Fred! 1557 01:00:56,300 --> 01:00:57,365 AGENT: This way. 1558 01:00:57,367 --> 01:00:58,601 FRED: This place looks really nice. 1559 01:01:02,534 --> 01:01:03,999 Fred, I need you to come work 1560 01:01:04,001 --> 01:01:05,831 on that speech with me, right now. 1561 01:01:05,833 --> 01:01:07,901 - Right now? - Yeah. Right now. 1562 01:01:08,767 --> 01:01:09,868 Okay. 1563 01:01:13,968 --> 01:01:16,232 (BOTH BREATHING HEAVILY) 1564 01:01:16,234 --> 01:01:17,399 Hang on, get my pants off. 1565 01:01:17,401 --> 01:01:18,733 Okay, I gotta, too. Shit. 1566 01:01:20,234 --> 01:01:21,632 - CHARLOTTE: We're doing it? - Yeah! 1567 01:01:21,634 --> 01:01:22,698 - CHARLOTTE: Do it faster. - Let's do it. 1568 01:01:22,700 --> 01:01:23,700 They're coming off! 1569 01:01:25,667 --> 01:01:27,667 Fucking tapered pants. Shit! 1570 01:01:29,001 --> 01:01:30,200 Fuck! 1571 01:01:31,701 --> 01:01:33,365 CHARLOTTE: Okay, just leave it! Just leave it! Leave it! 1572 01:01:33,367 --> 01:01:34,832 - FRED: Okay. - Okay. Yeah. 1573 01:01:34,834 --> 01:01:35,899 Should I go in, then? 1574 01:01:35,901 --> 01:01:37,565 Yeah, enter. 1575 01:01:37,567 --> 01:01:40,832 Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, no! 1576 01:01:40,834 --> 01:01:42,966 - I'm gonna come really soon. - Me too. 1577 01:01:42,968 --> 01:01:44,432 - Really? - Yeah! 1578 01:01:44,434 --> 01:01:45,499 - Oh, God! - Oh! 1579 01:01:45,501 --> 01:01:46,899 BOTH: Oh, boy! 1580 01:01:46,901 --> 01:01:49,732 (BOTH MOANING LOUDLY) 1581 01:01:49,734 --> 01:01:52,666 - Oh, God! Okay. - Oh, my God! 1582 01:01:52,668 --> 01:01:54,566 - I'm coming out. - Okay, come on. 1583 01:01:54,568 --> 01:02:00,365 Oh, God. Oh! Oh! Oh, fuck! 1584 01:02:00,367 --> 01:02:03,602 Wow. Oh, my God, I'm sorry. 1585 01:02:04,502 --> 01:02:05,699 I don't know what happened. 1586 01:02:05,701 --> 01:02:07,899 I usually last way longer than that. 1587 01:02:07,901 --> 01:02:09,300 - You know? - Not me. 1588 01:02:10,334 --> 01:02:11,265 That was weird. 1589 01:02:11,267 --> 01:02:12,466 We both said, "Oh, boy" when we came... 1590 01:02:12,468 --> 01:02:14,433 - Yeah, that's what I was thinking. - ...at the same time. 1591 01:02:14,435 --> 01:02:15,966 - That's never happened before. - I've never said that. 1592 01:02:15,968 --> 01:02:19,232 - Yeah. - Super strange. 1593 01:02:19,234 --> 01:02:20,932 - Oh! - Should we do that again? 1594 01:02:20,934 --> 01:02:22,600 Yeah, my hands are shaking, I need a minute. 1595 01:02:22,602 --> 01:02:24,234 (EXHALES) 1596 01:02:27,300 --> 01:02:28,932 Hmm. 1597 01:02:28,934 --> 01:02:31,866 - Who's this little guy? - (LAUGHING) 1598 01:02:31,868 --> 01:02:33,766 I was a writing an article about neo-Nazis 1599 01:02:33,768 --> 01:02:35,500 and I had to get a bottom half 1600 01:02:35,502 --> 01:02:36,932 of a swastika tattooed on me... 1601 01:02:36,934 --> 01:02:38,766 - Oh, my God. - ...so they wouldn't kill me 1602 01:02:38,768 --> 01:02:40,766 and I didn't want that, 1603 01:02:40,768 --> 01:02:43,899 so I added little shoes and I made him a little stick man 1604 01:02:43,901 --> 01:02:47,366 and I named him Adolf Stickler. 1605 01:02:47,368 --> 01:02:49,433 You'd never know he had little swastika legs. 1606 01:02:49,435 --> 01:02:50,899 - No. - He's so happy about it. 1607 01:02:50,901 --> 01:02:51,966 I know, they just look like pants. 1608 01:02:51,968 --> 01:02:54,599 You'd never know he was born in the fires of hatred. 1609 01:02:54,601 --> 01:02:56,268 (LAUGHING) 1610 01:02:58,001 --> 01:02:59,801 Man, I am hungry. 1611 01:03:02,435 --> 01:03:03,932 What time is it? 1612 01:03:03,934 --> 01:03:06,601 I couldn't tell you what fucking day it is. 1613 01:03:07,734 --> 01:03:10,699 And where... Where are we right now? 1614 01:03:10,701 --> 01:03:11,999 I don't have a clue. 1615 01:03:12,001 --> 01:03:13,266 You don't know? 1616 01:03:13,268 --> 01:03:14,466 No. They just dropped us here. 1617 01:03:14,468 --> 01:03:16,734 They just took us here on the helicopter. 1618 01:03:38,801 --> 01:03:39,866 AGENT M: Good morning, Mr. Flarsky. 1619 01:03:39,868 --> 01:03:41,235 Jesus! 1620 01:03:43,301 --> 01:03:44,634 You scared me, man. 1621 01:03:50,368 --> 01:03:52,967 Could you maybe not tell anybody about this? 1622 01:03:52,969 --> 01:03:54,768 They wouldn't believe me anyway. 1623 01:03:56,402 --> 01:03:57,468 Fair enough. 1624 01:03:58,534 --> 01:03:59,869 Good luck, man. 1625 01:04:01,835 --> 01:04:02,902 Thank you. 1626 01:04:11,902 --> 01:04:14,299 (ON RADIO) These helicopters are scary. 1627 01:04:14,301 --> 01:04:17,435 It's gonna be fine, Fred. Just breathe. 1628 01:04:19,301 --> 01:04:20,433 (EXHALES SHARPLY) 1629 01:04:20,435 --> 01:04:22,900 FRED: One, two, three, four. 1630 01:04:22,902 --> 01:04:24,902 One, two, three, four. 1631 01:04:37,002 --> 01:04:38,900 I feel so happy right now! 1632 01:04:38,902 --> 01:04:40,633 Like, I'm beginning to realize, 1633 01:04:40,635 --> 01:04:42,366 I may have never been happy. 1634 01:04:42,368 --> 01:04:44,867 This might be the first time I ever felt happy. 1635 01:04:44,869 --> 01:04:46,333 And it feels good. 1636 01:04:46,335 --> 01:04:49,333 This is like, the best shit that's ever happened. 1637 01:04:49,335 --> 01:04:51,266 There's like this crazy big banquet thing tonight, 1638 01:04:51,268 --> 01:04:52,867 and she gave me like a tuxedo to wear. 1639 01:04:52,869 --> 01:04:53,933 And it's not like a date, 1640 01:04:53,935 --> 01:04:55,533 but it kinda feels like a date. 1641 01:04:55,535 --> 01:04:58,233 How do I not fuck this up? Seems impossible. 1642 01:04:58,235 --> 01:05:00,466 Dude, you just need to give yourself affirmation, man. 1643 01:05:00,468 --> 01:05:02,266 You need to... (STAMMERS) 1644 01:05:02,268 --> 01:05:04,335 You need to say that you're worthy of love, man. 1645 01:05:05,301 --> 01:05:06,600 I am worthy of love. 1646 01:05:06,602 --> 01:05:08,266 All right, now you gotta say it 10,000 1647 01:05:08,268 --> 01:05:09,767 more times, until you believe it. 1648 01:05:09,769 --> 01:05:11,233 Okay, look, I gotta go. 1649 01:05:11,235 --> 01:05:13,566 I have no fucking clue how to tie a bow tie. 1650 01:05:13,568 --> 01:05:15,233 All right, man. Hey! 1651 01:05:15,235 --> 01:05:16,235 Be bold! 1652 01:05:23,435 --> 01:05:24,602 (ELEVATOR BELL DINGS) 1653 01:05:32,635 --> 01:05:33,967 Hi. 1654 01:05:33,969 --> 01:05:36,633 You look really pretty. (CHUCKLES) 1655 01:05:36,635 --> 01:05:37,869 Thank you. 1656 01:05:38,769 --> 01:05:41,833 You look really pretty, too. 1657 01:05:41,835 --> 01:05:42,900 Thank you. 1658 01:05:42,902 --> 01:05:44,334 Thanks for the suit. 1659 01:05:44,336 --> 01:05:45,466 We should probably head in. 1660 01:05:45,468 --> 01:05:46,568 - Shall we? - FRED: Yeah. 1661 01:05:50,002 --> 01:05:52,767 Wow. This is awesome. 1662 01:05:52,769 --> 01:05:54,433 It's cool being in Argentina. 1663 01:05:54,435 --> 01:05:55,833 I think the guys who killed my grandparents 1664 01:05:55,835 --> 01:05:57,635 are hiding here somewhere. (CHUCKLES) 1665 01:05:58,369 --> 01:05:59,468 Shit, they got a band. 1666 01:06:01,468 --> 01:06:04,900 Do you wanna, uh, dance maybe? Or grab a drink? 1667 01:06:04,902 --> 01:06:06,433 So there are representatives 1668 01:06:06,435 --> 01:06:08,300 from over 75 countries here tonight. 1669 01:06:08,302 --> 01:06:09,833 She has three hours to get out there, 1670 01:06:09,835 --> 01:06:10,867 - shake her money maker... - Yeah. 1671 01:06:10,869 --> 01:06:12,600 ...and get as many commitments as possible. 1672 01:06:12,602 --> 01:06:14,267 - This is a work event. - Of course, yeah. I get it. 1673 01:06:14,269 --> 01:06:17,533 We could, uh, maybe at the end of the night, have a drink. 1674 01:06:17,535 --> 01:06:19,667 Yeah, if you have time. Cool. 1675 01:06:19,669 --> 01:06:21,733 - We'll see. - Yeah. 1676 01:06:21,735 --> 01:06:23,535 All right. Okay. 1677 01:06:27,535 --> 01:06:28,869 I know what's going on. 1678 01:06:32,236 --> 01:06:34,667 - What do you mean? - You know what I mean. 1679 01:06:34,669 --> 01:06:35,733 There's nothing going on. 1680 01:06:35,735 --> 01:06:37,901 Don't fucking bullshit me, Fred. 1681 01:06:37,903 --> 01:06:40,600 'Cause my EQ is through the goddamn roof. 1682 01:06:40,602 --> 01:06:43,667 And I understand and intuit the nuances of social dynamics 1683 01:06:43,669 --> 01:06:44,633 like you wouldn't believe. 1684 01:06:44,635 --> 01:06:47,566 The two of you are having sex with each other. 1685 01:06:47,568 --> 01:06:49,400 There's no way you could discern something like that. 1686 01:06:49,402 --> 01:06:50,635 Charlotte told me. 1687 01:06:51,402 --> 01:06:52,334 Really? 1688 01:06:52,336 --> 01:06:54,400 No, but you just did, you fucking idiot. 1689 01:06:54,402 --> 01:06:57,400 Fuck! Shit! That was fucking very clever. 1690 01:06:57,402 --> 01:06:58,566 Jesus, well, you know what, yes. 1691 01:06:58,568 --> 01:07:00,600 Okay. We're sexing one another down. 1692 01:07:00,602 --> 01:07:01,500 - So? - Ew. 1693 01:07:01,502 --> 01:07:02,868 Honestly, it's probably weirder to me 1694 01:07:02,870 --> 01:07:04,001 - than it is to you. - Look, 1695 01:07:04,003 --> 01:07:05,167 I can't believe I have to say this, 1696 01:07:05,169 --> 01:07:08,402 but just so you know, there's no way the two of you work. 1697 01:07:09,602 --> 01:07:11,333 Why would you say that? You don't know that. 1698 01:07:11,335 --> 01:07:13,400 The public will never accept the two of you together, 1699 01:07:13,402 --> 01:07:14,768 so neither will she. 1700 01:07:14,770 --> 01:07:16,366 Honestly, Fred, it doesn't matter 1701 01:07:16,368 --> 01:07:17,333 if you get it or you don't, 1702 01:07:17,335 --> 01:07:19,001 'cause the truth is, she is going to realize it 1703 01:07:19,003 --> 01:07:20,267 for the both of you, 1704 01:07:20,269 --> 01:07:22,366 then you'll have your heart broken. 1705 01:07:22,368 --> 01:07:23,701 And that could be kinda fun to watch. 1706 01:07:23,703 --> 01:07:25,402 Ambassador Plenipotentiary... 1707 01:07:42,536 --> 01:07:43,770 PARKER: Madam Secretary! 1708 01:07:44,870 --> 01:07:46,400 Excuse me. 1709 01:07:46,402 --> 01:07:47,534 - Ah! - Parker. 1710 01:07:47,536 --> 01:07:49,601 - Nope. Nope. Uh... - (KISSING) 1711 01:07:49,603 --> 01:07:51,467 (PARKER LAUGHING) 1712 01:07:51,469 --> 01:07:54,834 You know, we still have not found time to sit down. 1713 01:07:54,836 --> 01:07:56,001 You know, it's not gonna happen. 1714 01:07:56,003 --> 01:07:57,634 I'm not gonna find time. 1715 01:07:57,636 --> 01:08:00,234 I will get my way on this. 1716 01:08:00,236 --> 01:08:01,567 I don't even know what you mean by "this," 1717 01:08:01,569 --> 01:08:04,001 but please have at it. It's all yours. 1718 01:08:04,003 --> 01:08:05,434 - May I have a word? - Can you excuse me? 1719 01:08:05,436 --> 01:08:06,668 We're in the middle of a conversation here. 1720 01:08:06,670 --> 01:08:09,334 - Of course. Yes. - Oh, my God. You are a... 1721 01:08:09,336 --> 01:08:11,834 You look absolutely wonderful. 1722 01:08:11,836 --> 01:08:13,734 - CHARLOTTE: Oh. - (JAMES SPEAKS FRENCH) 1723 01:08:13,736 --> 01:08:14,968 (CHARLOTTE CHUCKLES) 1724 01:08:14,970 --> 01:08:16,467 (IN ENGLISH) I have to say, I have been 1725 01:08:16,469 --> 01:08:18,701 so impressed by your initiative. 1726 01:08:18,703 --> 01:08:20,467 Does this mean I can add Canada 1727 01:08:20,469 --> 01:08:22,467 to the list of countries taking part? 1728 01:08:22,469 --> 01:08:24,634 (CLICKS TONGUE) On one condition. 1729 01:08:24,636 --> 01:08:25,534 Let me guess. 1730 01:08:25,536 --> 01:08:28,267 You want fewer restrictions on lumber. 1731 01:08:28,269 --> 01:08:29,603 I don't care about lumber. 1732 01:08:30,903 --> 01:08:32,436 I just want to dance. 1733 01:08:33,703 --> 01:08:34,870 (SPEAKS FRENCH) 1734 01:08:35,870 --> 01:08:36,934 Sure. 1735 01:08:36,936 --> 01:08:39,001 (SLOW TANGO MUSIC PLAYING) 1736 01:08:39,003 --> 01:08:40,870 (CAMERA SHUTTERS CLICKING) 1737 01:09:00,569 --> 01:09:01,636 Whoa! (CHUCKLES) 1738 01:09:02,836 --> 01:09:04,336 Wow. 1739 01:09:05,703 --> 01:09:06,934 You know when you see something, 1740 01:09:06,936 --> 01:09:10,267 and it just looks right. 1741 01:09:10,269 --> 01:09:12,334 Like a Kangol hat on Samuel L. Jackson. 1742 01:09:12,336 --> 01:09:13,336 MAGGIE: Mmm-hmm. 1743 01:09:14,703 --> 01:09:16,603 (MUSIC INCREASES IN TEMPO) 1744 01:09:22,971 --> 01:09:24,670 (WHISPERING) I'm worthy of love. 1745 01:09:26,369 --> 01:09:27,703 I'm worthy of love. 1746 01:09:30,336 --> 01:09:31,636 What the fuck are you saying? 1747 01:09:32,536 --> 01:09:33,536 Nothing. 1748 01:09:41,837 --> 01:09:43,837 (MUSIC STOPS) 1749 01:09:52,436 --> 01:09:53,771 (MUSIC CONTINUES) 1750 01:09:59,269 --> 01:10:00,603 (INDISTINCT CHATTER) 1751 01:10:06,704 --> 01:10:07,704 Bonjour, ma'am. 1752 01:10:27,504 --> 01:10:28,837 (LAUGHING) 1753 01:10:40,704 --> 01:10:41,704 Excuse me. 1754 01:10:43,771 --> 01:10:45,302 Agent E, look alive. 1755 01:11:00,871 --> 01:11:02,236 - Hi. - Hey. 1756 01:11:03,004 --> 01:11:04,637 I hear you have a crush on me. 1757 01:11:06,004 --> 01:11:07,370 I do. (CHUCKLES) 1758 01:11:08,937 --> 01:11:10,737 Kinda have a crush on you, too. 1759 01:11:12,437 --> 01:11:13,604 Well, that's cool. 1760 01:11:16,871 --> 01:11:18,969 Hey, I know I asked earlier. 1761 01:11:18,971 --> 01:11:20,535 But, uh... 1762 01:11:20,537 --> 01:11:22,537 (MUSIC PLAYING) 1763 01:11:24,237 --> 01:11:25,570 Do you want to dance with me? 1764 01:11:28,404 --> 01:11:29,404 It's a dope song. 1765 01:11:30,570 --> 01:11:31,802 Really fucking good song. 1766 01:11:31,804 --> 01:11:32,935 Maybe the best song ever written. 1767 01:11:32,937 --> 01:11:33,937 Yeah. 1768 01:11:42,437 --> 01:11:45,303 (SINGING ALONG) 1769 01:11:51,337 --> 01:11:53,504 (BOTH SINGING ALONG) 1770 01:12:26,004 --> 01:12:27,537 (SONG CONTINUES) 1771 01:13:07,380 --> 01:13:08,447 (GASPS) 1772 01:13:20,546 --> 01:13:22,178 I want you to fuck me from behind 1773 01:13:22,180 --> 01:13:23,347 and slap my ass really hard. 1774 01:13:26,013 --> 01:13:27,211 What? 1775 01:13:27,213 --> 01:13:28,544 What? 1776 01:13:28,546 --> 01:13:30,810 Nothing. What, did I say "what"? 1777 01:13:30,812 --> 01:13:32,111 Am I being too bossy? 1778 01:13:32,113 --> 01:13:34,876 No. No. No. No. Not at all. No. No. 1779 01:13:34,878 --> 01:13:36,411 I am. I am. I'm your boss all day, 1780 01:13:36,413 --> 01:13:37,278 and now I'm bossing you in bed. 1781 01:13:37,280 --> 01:13:38,810 I'm sorry. I didn't mean it that way. 1782 01:13:38,812 --> 01:13:40,011 No. Not at all. 1783 01:13:40,013 --> 01:13:41,877 My brain, honestly, just went into shock a little bit... 1784 01:13:41,879 --> 01:13:43,011 Yeah, but you hesitated. 1785 01:13:43,013 --> 01:13:46,044 No, it's just not how I imagined you liking things. 1786 01:13:46,046 --> 01:13:49,144 You know what? We'll do exactly what you were imagining. 1787 01:13:49,146 --> 01:13:51,144 And then you turn me around and slap me on my ass 1788 01:13:51,146 --> 01:13:52,380 and then choke me a little bit. 1789 01:13:53,146 --> 01:13:54,146 Oh, my God. 1790 01:13:58,813 --> 01:13:59,980 (EXHALES) 1791 01:14:01,879 --> 01:14:02,946 Whoa. 1792 01:14:12,946 --> 01:14:13,946 Frederick. 1793 01:14:14,546 --> 01:14:15,779 Margaret. 1794 01:14:20,546 --> 01:14:22,345 Hey, you forgot this... Oh, fuck! 1795 01:14:22,347 --> 01:14:24,111 - Gross! - Um... 1796 01:14:24,113 --> 01:14:25,445 I thought you guys hated each other. 1797 01:14:25,447 --> 01:14:27,544 - We do hate each other. - We do. Big time. 1798 01:14:27,546 --> 01:14:29,477 - We are also fucking. - Ugh. 1799 01:14:29,479 --> 01:14:30,578 How long have you been fucking? 1800 01:14:30,580 --> 01:14:31,911 That was probably 20 minutes. 1801 01:14:31,913 --> 01:14:32,978 Not right now! 1802 01:14:32,980 --> 01:14:35,178 - Oh. - A lot of questions. Um, I... 1803 01:14:35,180 --> 01:14:36,345 I would say anywhere between 1804 01:14:36,347 --> 01:14:38,211 two and five... Three and a half times. 1805 01:14:38,213 --> 01:14:40,044 I would say on my end, five. 1806 01:14:40,046 --> 01:14:41,511 Three and a half sounds right. 1807 01:14:41,513 --> 01:14:43,877 I don't know how you're tallying that shit. That's sick. 1808 01:14:43,879 --> 01:14:46,311 Okay, first of all, there's a woman present. 1809 01:14:46,313 --> 01:14:47,944 There's a woman in there, too? 1810 01:14:47,946 --> 01:14:49,844 - Excuse me. - Easy. 1811 01:14:49,846 --> 01:14:51,044 - And I got it. - Sorry. 1812 01:14:51,046 --> 01:14:52,411 - Again. - Sorry, I'm... 1813 01:14:52,413 --> 01:14:54,278 A woman is present and that woman is me. 1814 01:14:54,280 --> 01:14:55,877 - You? - TOM: We're talking about her. 1815 01:14:55,879 --> 01:14:57,811 Trust me, I know, Fred. 1816 01:14:57,813 --> 01:14:58,877 Tom, I got this. 1817 01:14:58,879 --> 01:15:00,311 - Ugh! - I'm gonna say goodnight. 1818 01:15:00,313 --> 01:15:01,511 You tuck that in. Goodnight to you. 1819 01:15:01,513 --> 01:15:02,378 And I will take my leave. 1820 01:15:02,380 --> 01:15:05,412 No. No way. I'm not touching that shit. 1821 01:15:05,414 --> 01:15:07,877 - It's not the worst instinct. - Guys, just... 1822 01:15:07,879 --> 01:15:08,944 Those hands have been places. 1823 01:15:08,946 --> 01:15:10,445 MAGGIE: Goodnight. 1824 01:15:10,447 --> 01:15:12,944 With France's commitment, U.S. Secretary of State 1825 01:15:12,946 --> 01:15:16,312 Charlotte Field's noble Rehabilitation Initiative 1826 01:15:16,314 --> 01:15:18,346 has secured the support of 100 countries. 1827 01:15:18,348 --> 01:15:20,445 - (CELL PHONE CHIMES) - (GASPS) 1828 01:15:20,447 --> 01:15:21,712 The president wants to talk to you. 1829 01:15:21,714 --> 01:15:24,844 We've set up the tent in the next room, Madam Secretary. 1830 01:15:24,846 --> 01:15:26,113 Tell him hi. 1831 01:15:30,547 --> 01:15:33,178 Mr. President. Bonjour. 1832 01:15:33,180 --> 01:15:34,445 CHAMBERS: (ON VIDEO) Charlie, bonjour. 1833 01:15:34,447 --> 01:15:38,011 Hey, what's this I hear about an environmental treaty thing? 1834 01:15:38,013 --> 01:15:39,811 Oh, it's the Global 1835 01:15:39,813 --> 01:15:41,911 Rehabilitation Initiative, sir. 1836 01:15:41,913 --> 01:15:44,411 It's been on your desk for the last three weeks. (CHUCKLES) 1837 01:15:44,413 --> 01:15:46,511 Yeah, well, we ran it up the flagpole 1838 01:15:46,513 --> 01:15:48,944 and it's ruffling some feathers. 1839 01:15:48,946 --> 01:15:51,078 Sir, you are the flagpole. 1840 01:15:51,080 --> 01:15:54,511 There are actually quite a few flagpoles in this joint. 1841 01:15:54,513 --> 01:15:56,279 We need you to revise it. 1842 01:15:56,281 --> 01:15:57,281 Sir? 1843 01:15:58,181 --> 01:16:00,281 We need you to kill the trees. 1844 01:16:04,281 --> 01:16:05,511 Why would he do that? 1845 01:16:05,513 --> 01:16:08,545 Because he's funded by a bunch of fucking rich assholes 1846 01:16:08,547 --> 01:16:10,179 and I probably pissed one of them off. 1847 01:16:10,181 --> 01:16:11,877 Can I just say the optics of this 1848 01:16:11,879 --> 01:16:13,578 are actually not that different? 1849 01:16:13,580 --> 01:16:15,378 The initiative still has the same name. 1850 01:16:15,380 --> 01:16:17,145 It sounds very impressive, 1851 01:16:17,147 --> 01:16:19,279 which is ultimately all that matters. 1852 01:16:19,281 --> 01:16:21,979 I actually cared about this. 1853 01:16:21,981 --> 01:16:23,545 Now what am I fucking left with? Bees? 1854 01:16:23,547 --> 01:16:24,877 I don't even like bees. 1855 01:16:24,879 --> 01:16:26,145 Do you have to listen to him? 1856 01:16:26,147 --> 01:16:29,312 Yes. I have to listen to him. 1857 01:16:29,314 --> 01:16:32,145 Because unless he endorses me, I won't win. 1858 01:16:32,147 --> 01:16:35,079 And this whole fucking show would have been for nothing. 1859 01:16:35,081 --> 01:16:37,145 Well, maybe you don't need his endorsement to win. 1860 01:16:37,147 --> 01:16:38,511 You know? People are digging your shit. 1861 01:16:38,513 --> 01:16:40,179 And your numbers are good. 1862 01:16:40,181 --> 01:16:42,378 You know what, Fred? She needs a little alone time. 1863 01:16:42,380 --> 01:16:43,912 Right, she probably just needs a friend right now. 1864 01:16:43,914 --> 01:16:44,979 MAGGIE: Time to go, buddy. 1865 01:16:44,981 --> 01:16:46,845 CHARLOTTE: Oh, my God. 1866 01:16:46,847 --> 01:16:50,081 Maggie, just give me a second alone with Fred, please. 1867 01:16:56,214 --> 01:16:57,214 (DOOR OPENS) 1868 01:16:59,281 --> 01:17:00,281 (DOOR CLOSES) 1869 01:17:33,356 --> 01:17:34,987 (CHARLOTTE SIGHS) 1870 01:17:34,989 --> 01:17:37,386 I don't wanna do this job anymore. 1871 01:17:37,388 --> 01:17:38,455 I fuckin' hate it. 1872 01:17:39,356 --> 01:17:41,520 I mean, what's the point? 1873 01:17:41,522 --> 01:17:44,822 Every time I do something, it just gets undone. 1874 01:17:45,388 --> 01:17:46,620 I'm sorry. 1875 01:17:46,622 --> 01:17:48,420 I just wanna be a normal person 1876 01:17:48,422 --> 01:17:50,187 and not give a fuck about anything 1877 01:17:50,189 --> 01:17:52,220 just like the rest of the world. 1878 01:17:52,222 --> 01:17:54,287 Yeah, most people don't give a shit about anything. 1879 01:17:54,289 --> 01:17:55,989 I bet it's really nice. 1880 01:17:57,156 --> 01:17:58,987 That's what I want. 1881 01:17:58,989 --> 01:18:01,089 I don't know how to give that to you. 1882 01:18:04,522 --> 01:18:06,089 Let's get fucked up. 1883 01:18:06,488 --> 01:18:07,554 Fucked up? 1884 01:18:07,556 --> 01:18:10,020 - Yeah. - Like a few beers fucked up 1885 01:18:10,022 --> 01:18:12,287 or more than that fucked up? 1886 01:18:12,289 --> 01:18:14,256 Like super fucked up. 1887 01:18:20,089 --> 01:18:22,554 I want to smoke a Molly with you. 1888 01:18:22,556 --> 01:18:23,987 (SNORTS) 1889 01:18:23,989 --> 01:18:25,156 What? 1890 01:18:25,922 --> 01:18:27,654 That's not, um... 1891 01:18:27,656 --> 01:18:29,320 That's not how you take it, but... 1892 01:18:29,322 --> 01:18:30,220 How do you take it? 1893 01:18:30,222 --> 01:18:32,087 It's a pill. You take it in your mouth. 1894 01:18:32,089 --> 01:18:33,621 But I don't know if you wanna do it. 1895 01:18:33,623 --> 01:18:34,953 Why not? 1896 01:18:34,955 --> 01:18:36,887 I just don't know if it's a good idea. 1897 01:18:36,889 --> 01:18:40,256 As your boss, I'm ordering you to get me a Molly. 1898 01:18:41,189 --> 01:18:42,356 Oh, man. 1899 01:19:12,356 --> 01:19:13,521 You good? 1900 01:19:13,523 --> 01:19:15,487 (ECHOING) I don't feel anything. 1901 01:19:15,489 --> 01:19:17,487 You don't feel it? 1902 01:19:17,489 --> 01:19:19,287 No, I don't feel a fucking thing. 1903 01:19:19,289 --> 01:19:22,090 Ooh! Wow. 1904 01:19:22,556 --> 01:19:25,088 ...Was right. 1905 01:19:25,090 --> 01:19:28,987 Holy fuck... 1906 01:19:28,989 --> 01:19:30,321 (GRUNTING) No! 1907 01:19:30,323 --> 01:19:32,654 My jaw feels really weird. 1908 01:19:32,656 --> 01:19:33,987 Yeah, that's the drugs. 1909 01:19:33,989 --> 01:19:35,587 Drugs love a jaw. 1910 01:19:35,589 --> 01:19:38,021 - I want more. - No, no, no, no. 1911 01:19:38,023 --> 01:19:39,421 Maybe in like an hour. 1912 01:19:39,423 --> 01:19:41,123 We should do it now. 1913 01:19:45,057 --> 01:19:46,922 (FIREWORKS BURSTING) 1914 01:20:04,389 --> 01:20:06,256 (ALL CHEERING LOUDLY) 1915 01:20:09,956 --> 01:20:12,155 Yes, motherfuckers! 1916 01:20:12,157 --> 01:20:14,088 I could do this forever! 1917 01:20:14,090 --> 01:20:15,487 We're gonna. 1918 01:20:15,489 --> 01:20:17,988 I know I've been like... 1919 01:20:17,990 --> 01:20:20,220 I've been, like, playing it pretty cool. 1920 01:20:20,222 --> 01:20:22,220 Like I've probably been a little hard to read, 1921 01:20:22,222 --> 01:20:23,888 and I've been acting kinda, like, aloof, 1922 01:20:23,890 --> 01:20:25,554 maybe like I don't care that much. 1923 01:20:25,556 --> 01:20:28,988 But I don't wanna do that anymore. I really like you. 1924 01:20:28,990 --> 01:20:31,287 You haven't been playing it cool at all. 1925 01:20:31,289 --> 01:20:33,954 You just followed me into the bathroom. 1926 01:20:33,956 --> 01:20:35,188 Yeah, to talk. 1927 01:20:35,190 --> 01:20:37,321 - I really like you, too! - Really? 1928 01:20:37,323 --> 01:20:38,954 - Yeah! - Yeah! 1929 01:20:38,956 --> 01:20:40,921 (BOTH YELLING) 1930 01:20:40,923 --> 01:20:43,587 - Madam Secretary! - Yeah! Whoa! 1931 01:20:43,589 --> 01:20:45,421 Madam Secretary! Listen to me! 1932 01:20:45,423 --> 01:20:47,554 Dance with me, Steven! Dance! 1933 01:20:47,556 --> 01:20:48,655 We have a situation. 1934 01:20:48,657 --> 01:20:50,023 - Huh? - (SPEAKING INAUDIBLY) 1935 01:20:58,356 --> 01:21:00,220 - (STAMMERS) - FRED: Yo. 1936 01:21:00,222 --> 01:21:03,254 How much longer is this Molly stuff gonna last? 1937 01:21:03,256 --> 01:21:05,021 We just re-upped. 1938 01:21:05,023 --> 01:21:07,220 You kept saying you wanted to take more, so we did. 1939 01:21:07,222 --> 01:21:10,289 So we have another maybe four or five hours. 1940 01:21:11,457 --> 01:21:13,588 Yeah. Why? 1941 01:21:13,590 --> 01:21:15,422 I'm in so much trouble. 1942 01:21:15,424 --> 01:21:16,488 FRED: What's happening? 1943 01:21:16,490 --> 01:21:18,088 I'm gonna be in so much trouble. 1944 01:21:18,090 --> 01:21:20,289 What's happening? Are they outta water? 1945 01:21:21,156 --> 01:21:22,321 One of our U2s went down 1946 01:21:22,323 --> 01:21:25,220 while performing a standard fly-over in Kashtari airspace. 1947 01:21:25,222 --> 01:21:26,321 The pilot was able to eject, 1948 01:21:26,323 --> 01:21:29,322 but it appears he was taken by the Kashtari military. 1949 01:21:29,324 --> 01:21:31,021 Thank you, General. 1950 01:21:31,023 --> 01:21:32,522 Prime Minister Bharath is refusing 1951 01:21:32,524 --> 01:21:35,021 to return the pilot to United States custody. 1952 01:21:35,023 --> 01:21:36,988 He's personally hurt by the many insults 1953 01:21:36,990 --> 01:21:38,488 hurled at him by POTUS. 1954 01:21:38,490 --> 01:21:40,388 Good job. All right. 1955 01:21:40,390 --> 01:21:41,923 (BREATHES DEEPLY) 1956 01:21:43,156 --> 01:21:44,457 It's gonna be okay in there, right? 1957 01:21:45,424 --> 01:21:46,856 That's up to you, ma'am. 1958 01:21:48,090 --> 01:21:50,490 (EXHALES) Oh, God. You got this. 1959 01:22:03,624 --> 01:22:05,490 (CLEARING THROAT) 1960 01:22:06,424 --> 01:22:07,555 (CLEARS THROAT) 1961 01:22:07,557 --> 01:22:10,089 I can hold onto your sunglasses for you, if you'd like. 1962 01:22:10,091 --> 01:22:15,123 Oh, no. I have alopecia. In both eyes. 1963 01:22:16,223 --> 01:22:18,223 (CLEARING THROAT LOUDLY) 1964 01:22:19,257 --> 01:22:20,324 (PHONE BEEPS) 1965 01:22:21,490 --> 01:22:22,954 Hello. 1966 01:22:22,956 --> 01:22:23,921 BHARATH: (LOUDLY ON PHONE) Secretary Field! 1967 01:22:23,923 --> 01:22:25,022 CHARLOTTE: Oh, my God! 1968 01:22:25,024 --> 01:22:27,888 Hello, Bharath? Hey. 1969 01:22:27,890 --> 01:22:31,255 I hear we have a situation here? 1970 01:22:31,257 --> 01:22:34,357 One that we both probably want resolved. 1971 01:22:36,190 --> 01:22:38,622 Very quickly... 1972 01:22:38,624 --> 01:22:41,221 You're not going to bully me this time, Madam Secretary. 1973 01:22:41,223 --> 01:22:42,922 Your man will stay here 1974 01:22:42,924 --> 01:22:45,889 until your president personally apologizes to me. 1975 01:22:45,891 --> 01:22:46,891 Over Instagram. 1976 01:22:48,090 --> 01:22:51,057 - He won't do that. - Yeah, no. Yes... 1977 01:22:52,157 --> 01:22:54,355 - (WHISPERS) Yo. - Yes? 1978 01:22:54,357 --> 01:22:55,922 Can I level with you? 1979 01:22:55,924 --> 01:22:57,455 Can I fill you in on something? 1980 01:22:57,457 --> 01:22:58,488 Go ahead. 1981 01:22:58,490 --> 01:23:00,155 Me and Charlotte, we're fucked up right now. 1982 01:23:00,157 --> 01:23:01,088 We're on drugs. 1983 01:23:01,090 --> 01:23:02,622 First of all, I don't wanna talk about that. 1984 01:23:02,624 --> 01:23:04,322 Why? We can't talk about the drugs. 1985 01:23:04,324 --> 01:23:05,655 Do you know we're on drugs? 1986 01:23:05,657 --> 01:23:08,190 I don't wanna talk about that in this room. 1987 01:23:09,390 --> 01:23:10,557 - What's happening? - (MOUTHING) 1988 01:23:12,024 --> 01:23:13,088 We're on drugs right now. 1989 01:23:13,090 --> 01:23:15,155 (LAUGHING LOUDLY) 1990 01:23:15,157 --> 01:23:16,922 That's funny. That's a funny joke! 1991 01:23:16,924 --> 01:23:18,889 FRED: What's a joke? We're on fucking drugs... 1992 01:23:18,891 --> 01:23:20,121 (MOUTHING) 1993 01:23:20,123 --> 01:23:21,255 Are we going somewhere? 1994 01:23:21,257 --> 01:23:22,490 (MOUTHING) 1995 01:23:23,090 --> 01:23:24,989 What is that? 1996 01:23:24,991 --> 01:23:27,255 What is happening? We're on drugs right now. 1997 01:23:27,257 --> 01:23:29,955 So you're admitting that the United States government 1998 01:23:29,957 --> 01:23:32,188 ordered these planes to spy on my country? 1999 01:23:32,190 --> 01:23:33,255 No. 2000 01:23:33,257 --> 01:23:34,422 (MOUTHS) 2001 01:23:34,424 --> 01:23:37,522 No! No! Of course not! 2002 01:23:37,524 --> 01:23:39,623 That's what it sounded like. Face it. 2003 01:23:39,625 --> 01:23:40,855 You have no leverage here. 2004 01:23:40,857 --> 01:23:44,121 Match his aggression, Madam. It's the only way out of this. 2005 01:23:44,123 --> 01:23:46,589 I don't know, he seems really fucking pissed off. 2006 01:23:46,591 --> 01:23:48,088 Get more fucking pissed. 2007 01:23:48,090 --> 01:23:49,491 Let him know who's really in charge. 2008 01:23:51,290 --> 01:23:52,824 - (GRUNTS) - (BANGS) 2009 01:23:54,390 --> 01:23:56,090 (SOFTLY) Oh, my God, that really hurt. 2010 01:23:57,324 --> 01:23:59,088 I gotta be honest, I'm not... 2011 01:23:59,090 --> 01:24:02,288 I'm not feeling all this aggression stuff. 2012 01:24:02,290 --> 01:24:05,955 I'm into more of, like, a chilled vibe. 2013 01:24:05,957 --> 01:24:08,591 You know, just feeling... 2014 01:24:09,525 --> 01:24:11,458 God, are those Gauloises? 2015 01:24:12,458 --> 01:24:14,057 Just, I'm so... 2016 01:24:15,358 --> 01:24:17,824 I'm just gonna bum one. 2017 01:24:19,924 --> 01:24:21,221 Just give me one sec. 2018 01:24:21,223 --> 01:24:22,291 Don't worry. 2019 01:24:30,458 --> 01:24:31,523 Bharath. 2020 01:24:31,525 --> 01:24:33,258 - Hello? - Listen. 2021 01:24:34,525 --> 01:24:36,458 Mmm. Mmm. 2022 01:24:38,157 --> 01:24:42,956 You and I are in the same boat, my friend. 2023 01:24:43,525 --> 01:24:45,189 How is that the case? 2024 01:24:45,191 --> 01:24:46,589 We both have to deal with my boss 2025 01:24:46,591 --> 01:24:49,988 and we both think he is an asshole. 2026 01:24:49,990 --> 01:24:52,055 You also think he's an asshole? 2027 01:24:52,057 --> 01:24:53,556 Oh, my God, he's such an asshole. 2028 01:24:53,558 --> 01:24:55,423 His stupid fucking TV show 2029 01:24:55,425 --> 01:24:57,356 was like, good for three episodes 2030 01:24:57,358 --> 01:24:59,222 and then it just didn't make any sense. 2031 01:24:59,224 --> 01:25:01,358 (SIGHS) Fuck, it feels good to say that. 2032 01:25:04,391 --> 01:25:05,391 Listen. 2033 01:25:07,558 --> 01:25:11,623 You need to keep this on the real DL. 2034 01:25:11,625 --> 01:25:15,056 We both know that the U.S. does not 2035 01:25:15,058 --> 01:25:18,189 negotiate with terrorists. 2036 01:25:18,191 --> 01:25:23,589 But, we do negotiate with homies. 2037 01:25:23,591 --> 01:25:26,222 So if you give us our guy back, 2038 01:25:26,224 --> 01:25:30,356 I'm gonna hook you up with a sweet aid package. 2039 01:25:30,358 --> 01:25:33,389 So not only do you not have to keep a guy hostage, 2040 01:25:33,391 --> 01:25:37,156 which is a pretty shitty thing to do. 2041 01:25:37,158 --> 01:25:38,955 I mean, I've done it myself. 2042 01:25:38,957 --> 01:25:41,024 Don't tell anybody, super classified. 2043 01:25:42,024 --> 01:25:43,623 It sucks, I hate it. 2044 01:25:43,625 --> 01:25:48,922 Yeah. So, why don't we instead 2045 01:25:48,924 --> 01:25:52,589 save a ton of lives? 2046 01:25:52,591 --> 01:25:55,989 I mean, that's pretty fucking awesome, right? 2047 01:25:55,991 --> 01:25:57,591 I think this is a really good idea. 2048 01:26:01,058 --> 01:26:02,224 What do you say? 2049 01:26:04,957 --> 01:26:06,391 Ma'am. 2050 01:26:11,258 --> 01:26:13,456 Hostage saved, motherfuckers! 2051 01:26:13,458 --> 01:26:16,189 - Yeah, yeah! - (BOTH CHEERING) 2052 01:26:16,191 --> 01:26:19,156 - She did it! She did it! - She did it! 2053 01:26:19,158 --> 01:26:21,889 I'm here with Secretary of State Charlotte Field. 2054 01:26:21,891 --> 01:26:24,323 Who, after a tense and complicated negotiation 2055 01:26:24,325 --> 01:26:26,256 with Kashtar, has secured the release 2056 01:26:26,258 --> 01:26:29,289 of the pilot of the U.S. spy plane that went down 2057 01:26:29,291 --> 01:26:31,423 over Kashtari airspace. 2058 01:26:31,425 --> 01:26:33,489 I know, right. (SOFTLY) Crazy. 2059 01:26:33,491 --> 01:26:34,557 REPORTER: And this is all in the midst 2060 01:26:34,559 --> 01:26:37,156 of the success of your environmental initiative, 2061 01:26:37,158 --> 01:26:40,590 which I understand has secured the support of 100 countries. 2062 01:26:40,592 --> 01:26:42,156 - CHARLOTTE: Yes, um... - Ooh, sore subject. 2063 01:26:42,158 --> 01:26:43,889 I'm very happy to announce that 2064 01:26:43,891 --> 01:26:46,624 not only do I have the support of those 100 countries, 2065 01:26:46,626 --> 01:26:49,323 but the president himself called me personally 2066 01:26:49,325 --> 01:26:51,424 just to tell me how psyched he is about this initiative... 2067 01:26:51,426 --> 01:26:54,390 - Did he call? Did he call? - That didn't happen. 2068 01:26:54,392 --> 01:26:55,624 ...don't change a word, 2069 01:26:55,626 --> 01:26:58,557 especially the part, uh, with the trees. 2070 01:26:58,559 --> 01:27:00,189 - That's a lie. - CHARLOTTE: So, all in all, 2071 01:27:00,191 --> 01:27:01,289 I'm just... Well, 2072 01:27:01,291 --> 01:27:04,222 I kinda feel like I'm just kinda crushing it right now. 2073 01:27:04,224 --> 01:27:06,526 Thank you so much. So... Thank you. 2074 01:27:07,224 --> 01:27:08,290 Thank you. 2075 01:27:08,292 --> 01:27:10,624 The incredible Charlotte Field. 2076 01:27:10,626 --> 01:27:12,955 Who clearly still feels the effects 2077 01:27:12,957 --> 01:27:16,257 of the intense all-night hostage situation. (CHUCKLES) 2078 01:27:16,259 --> 01:27:18,492 (APPLAUSE AND CHEERS) 2079 01:27:28,559 --> 01:27:31,424 After negotiating the release of Lieutenant Gary Smith... 2080 01:27:31,426 --> 01:27:33,357 Charlotte Field's popularity continues to skyrocket... 2081 01:27:33,359 --> 01:27:35,089 In the newest Gallup poll, 68%... 2082 01:27:35,091 --> 01:27:38,390 ...are women mentally unfit to hold the presidency? 2083 01:27:38,392 --> 01:27:40,223 Here to chat about it is Chris Brown, 2084 01:27:40,225 --> 01:27:42,590 Jeremy Piven, and Brett Ratner. 2085 01:27:42,592 --> 01:27:45,390 In the wake of her successful hostage negotiation, 2086 01:27:45,392 --> 01:27:47,590 Charlotte Field's poll numbers keep going up. 2087 01:27:47,592 --> 01:27:48,955 MALE REPORTER: I'd like to apologize 2088 01:27:48,957 --> 01:27:50,190 to Charlotte, and anyone out there 2089 01:27:50,192 --> 01:27:53,426 who was upset yesterday when I called her Booby-McBoobson. 2090 01:27:55,225 --> 01:27:56,426 Give me the president's office. 2091 01:27:57,292 --> 01:27:59,357 - (KNOCK ON DOOR) - Yep? 2092 01:27:59,359 --> 01:28:00,990 MAGGIE: Can I talk to you for a second? 2093 01:28:00,992 --> 01:28:02,490 Of course. 2094 01:28:02,492 --> 01:28:04,457 We got some new polling that I thought I'd share with you. 2095 01:28:04,459 --> 01:28:05,590 All right. 2096 01:28:05,592 --> 01:28:07,157 MAGGIE: It feels like everything 2097 01:28:07,159 --> 01:28:08,390 is kinda falling into place for us. 2098 01:28:08,392 --> 01:28:10,023 So we thought we'd dig a little deeper 2099 01:28:10,025 --> 01:28:11,424 and make sure there are no surprises. 2100 01:28:11,426 --> 01:28:13,157 - Why are you acting so weird? - It's good. 2101 01:28:13,159 --> 01:28:15,059 We got some really helpful feedback. 2102 01:28:16,292 --> 01:28:18,023 From the public. 2103 01:28:18,025 --> 01:28:21,290 So we asked a thousand constituents 2104 01:28:21,292 --> 01:28:23,023 how they would feel 2105 01:28:23,025 --> 01:28:26,090 - if, say, Princess Di... - CHARLOTTE: Hmm. 2106 01:28:26,092 --> 01:28:27,459 ...if she were to start dating 2107 01:28:28,359 --> 01:28:29,359 Guy Fieri. 2108 01:28:31,059 --> 01:28:32,956 I don't even know who that is. 2109 01:28:32,958 --> 01:28:34,457 MAGGIE: They don't like that. 2110 01:28:34,459 --> 01:28:37,057 - CHARLOTTE: Yeah. - MAGGIE: Or Kate Middleton 2111 01:28:37,059 --> 01:28:39,257 were to start dating Danny DeVito. 2112 01:28:39,259 --> 01:28:40,357 I see where you're going with this. 2113 01:28:40,359 --> 01:28:41,657 Pretty negative reaction. 2114 01:28:41,659 --> 01:28:44,324 Or if Jennifer Lawrence 2115 01:28:44,326 --> 01:28:47,492 were to start dating this potato in a teal windbreaker. 2116 01:28:48,559 --> 01:28:50,457 They would be very upset. 2117 01:28:50,459 --> 01:28:51,956 You did a lot of work, 2118 01:28:51,958 --> 01:28:53,923 - and I... - Well, but, can I just finish? 2119 01:28:53,925 --> 01:28:56,157 No, that's, like, a lot of... I get it. 2120 01:28:56,159 --> 01:28:58,057 Madam Secretary. I have no desire 2121 01:28:58,059 --> 01:29:00,090 - to limit your romantic life. - Good. 2122 01:29:00,092 --> 01:29:02,923 But the optics of you and Fred 2123 01:29:02,925 --> 01:29:05,390 will make a presidential run very challenging. 2124 01:29:05,392 --> 01:29:06,625 Fred is a journalist. 2125 01:29:06,627 --> 01:29:08,956 Who's written some extremely fucked-up stuff. 2126 01:29:08,958 --> 01:29:11,958 No. That's exposed some really fucked-up stuff. 2127 01:29:13,092 --> 01:29:15,324 And I just want to know for myself, 2128 01:29:15,326 --> 01:29:18,324 you're comfortable with putting everything on the line for a hookup? 2129 01:29:18,326 --> 01:29:20,057 Oh, my God. (CHUCKLING) 2130 01:29:20,059 --> 01:29:21,223 Why are we having this conversation? 2131 01:29:21,225 --> 01:29:22,558 This is insane. 2132 01:29:22,560 --> 01:29:25,457 I don't have to explain myself to you. 2133 01:29:25,459 --> 01:29:27,190 I'm sorry. I really don't understand this. 2134 01:29:27,192 --> 01:29:28,591 And I fucking love you, Charlotte. 2135 01:29:28,593 --> 01:29:29,591 I want you to be happy. 2136 01:29:29,593 --> 01:29:31,190 But more than that, I want you to be in charge. 2137 01:29:31,192 --> 01:29:33,123 And I want you to be president. 2138 01:29:33,125 --> 01:29:35,259 For the sake of the future of our country. 2139 01:29:39,259 --> 01:29:40,925 Look, there's another option. 2140 01:29:42,292 --> 01:29:43,591 There's a guy who works for the Secret Service 2141 01:29:43,593 --> 01:29:47,657 whose job it is to handle the mistresses... 2142 01:29:47,659 --> 01:29:49,223 Maggie. You're gonna have to stop. 2143 01:29:49,225 --> 01:29:51,458 And there are a series of tunnels in the White House 2144 01:29:51,460 --> 01:29:53,059 - that Woodrow Wilson... - That's enough. 2145 01:29:55,327 --> 01:29:57,057 Fred is not an idea 2146 01:29:57,059 --> 01:29:59,491 that I'm floating by you for your approval. 2147 01:29:59,493 --> 01:30:01,527 And you're getting very close to crossing a line. 2148 01:30:07,260 --> 01:30:08,558 Okay. Got it. 2149 01:30:08,560 --> 01:30:09,992 Goodnight, Madam Secretary. 2150 01:30:11,460 --> 01:30:13,460 (INDISTINCT TV CHATTER) 2151 01:30:15,925 --> 01:30:18,023 When I grow up, I want to be Charlotte Field. 2152 01:30:18,025 --> 01:30:19,391 Because she's smart and pretty 2153 01:30:19,393 --> 01:30:21,023 and she's going to be president. 2154 01:30:21,025 --> 01:30:22,992 (SIGHS) 2155 01:30:24,327 --> 01:30:25,858 (BUZZER BUZZES) 2156 01:30:29,260 --> 01:30:32,091 I will be that little girl's president. 2157 01:30:32,093 --> 01:30:35,325 Thank you, and God bless America. 2158 01:30:35,327 --> 01:30:38,491 MAGGIE: Massive applause. Massive cheering. 2159 01:30:38,493 --> 01:30:40,624 At that point, I think the stage would descend, 2160 01:30:40,626 --> 01:30:44,425 right, and then Lil Uzi Vert or Charli XCX 2161 01:30:44,427 --> 01:30:46,890 would join hands with the Harlem Boys Choir... 2162 01:30:46,892 --> 01:30:48,558 Well, I said we'll figure that out later. 2163 01:30:48,560 --> 01:30:50,458 (CELL PHONE VIBRATES) 2164 01:30:50,460 --> 01:30:51,991 Uh, Madam Secretary, 2165 01:30:51,993 --> 01:30:53,360 the president would like to see you right now. 2166 01:30:54,093 --> 01:30:55,226 Shit. 2167 01:30:56,260 --> 01:30:57,325 Damn it! 2168 01:30:57,327 --> 01:30:58,592 The nation is at war! 2169 01:30:59,493 --> 01:31:00,691 I find myself torn. 2170 01:31:00,693 --> 01:31:05,291 Torn between my personal love and my love of country... 2171 01:31:05,293 --> 01:31:06,957 Sir, is this a good time? 2172 01:31:06,959 --> 01:31:09,991 Oh, hi, Charlotte. No, I'm just running lines. 2173 01:31:09,993 --> 01:31:11,024 - Oh. - CHAMBERS: All right. 2174 01:31:11,026 --> 01:31:12,826 Clear the room. Everybody, just Charlotte, please. 2175 01:31:14,226 --> 01:31:16,258 (INAUDIBLE) 2176 01:31:16,260 --> 01:31:17,260 Thanks. 2177 01:31:18,126 --> 01:31:19,360 (CHUCKLES LIGHTLY) 2178 01:31:20,559 --> 01:31:22,193 Is everything okay, sir? 2179 01:31:23,260 --> 01:31:25,460 PARKER: Oh, look who it is. 2180 01:31:26,193 --> 01:31:28,991 She's here at last. 2181 01:31:28,993 --> 01:31:31,425 You gotta love that secret door. Sit down. 2182 01:31:31,427 --> 01:31:32,826 (DOOR CLOSES) 2183 01:31:34,360 --> 01:31:35,891 (SIGHS) 2184 01:31:35,893 --> 01:31:37,391 This feels like an ambush. 2185 01:31:37,393 --> 01:31:39,425 Well, in the entertainment world, 2186 01:31:39,427 --> 01:31:41,590 we call this a surprise walk-on. 2187 01:31:41,592 --> 01:31:43,024 You see, Charlotte, 2188 01:31:43,026 --> 01:31:45,590 we have a number of business interests 2189 01:31:45,592 --> 01:31:48,458 and that, you know, may be gravely affected 2190 01:31:48,460 --> 01:31:50,425 by this agreement of yours. 2191 01:31:50,427 --> 01:31:52,924 Yeah. Uh, aside from getting into film, 2192 01:31:52,926 --> 01:31:55,557 I'm looking to use my connections as president 2193 01:31:55,559 --> 01:31:57,591 to expand my investment portfolio. 2194 01:31:57,593 --> 01:32:00,258 Sort of like an Ashton Kutcher type thing, you know. 2195 01:32:00,260 --> 01:32:03,191 I mean, that guy is killing with acting and investing... 2196 01:32:03,193 --> 01:32:06,024 I think what the president is trying to say, 2197 01:32:06,026 --> 01:32:08,924 is that the server farm we want to build in Alaska 2198 01:32:08,926 --> 01:32:12,358 is sitting on 10 miles of land which will now be 2199 01:32:12,360 --> 01:32:14,260 protected by your initiative. 2200 01:32:15,060 --> 01:32:16,325 Move your server farm. 2201 01:32:16,327 --> 01:32:18,191 PARKER: We want to build it in Alaska. 2202 01:32:18,193 --> 01:32:19,957 There's plenty of room for expansion. 2203 01:32:19,959 --> 01:32:22,924 Charlotte. I'm surprised that it's come to this. 2204 01:32:22,926 --> 01:32:24,625 You're usually so agreeable. 2205 01:32:24,627 --> 01:32:27,058 But I watched you undermine me 2206 01:32:27,060 --> 01:32:29,091 on TV the other day. 2207 01:32:29,093 --> 01:32:31,158 TV of all places. 2208 01:32:31,160 --> 01:32:33,191 That's my medium. All right? 2209 01:32:33,193 --> 01:32:36,891 You used TV against me! 2210 01:32:36,893 --> 01:32:39,359 That was your first mistake. 2211 01:32:39,361 --> 01:32:42,292 Look, I'm about to give you the easiest ultimatum 2212 01:32:42,294 --> 01:32:44,361 that you're ever, ever gonna receive. 2213 01:32:46,160 --> 01:32:47,891 Drop the tree thing. 2214 01:32:47,893 --> 01:32:50,326 - Or? - PARKER: Or... 2215 01:32:50,328 --> 01:32:56,326 We will release the content of your friend's hard drive. 2216 01:32:56,328 --> 01:32:59,058 We found a lot of interesting stuff 2217 01:32:59,060 --> 01:33:00,658 when we hacked into his webcam. 2218 01:33:00,660 --> 01:33:02,926 Now here is a little taster. 2219 01:33:06,126 --> 01:33:09,225 Yo, Charlotte, it's Fred. 2220 01:33:09,227 --> 01:33:11,058 Uh, you want to come to my room 2221 01:33:11,060 --> 01:33:13,225 and have sex with me really fast? 2222 01:33:13,227 --> 01:33:16,326 Oh no, don't worry. I'll find ways to kill time today. 2223 01:33:16,328 --> 01:33:18,125 It's cool. Just let me know when you're back. 2224 01:33:18,127 --> 01:33:19,194 Great. 2225 01:33:20,328 --> 01:33:21,525 (HANGS UP PHONE) 2226 01:33:21,527 --> 01:33:23,591 (FORWARDING) 2227 01:33:23,593 --> 01:33:25,359 CHARLOTTE: (ON VIDEO) ...important to me. 2228 01:33:25,361 --> 01:33:27,991 That's a good speech. 2229 01:33:27,993 --> 01:33:29,991 CHARLOTTE: The band of misfits fight back... 2230 01:33:29,993 --> 01:33:31,893 - Nice dress. - ...against the bullies. 2231 01:33:33,227 --> 01:33:34,425 Never giving up. 2232 01:33:34,427 --> 01:33:35,558 Never laying down. 2233 01:33:35,560 --> 01:33:37,094 (FORWARDING) 2234 01:33:38,627 --> 01:33:40,125 CHARLOTTE: In high school, 2235 01:33:40,127 --> 01:33:41,394 I would talk about the underdog a lot. 2236 01:33:43,660 --> 01:33:46,392 And I would often find myself on a soapbox 2237 01:33:46,394 --> 01:33:49,125 rambling on and on about the injustices 2238 01:33:49,127 --> 01:33:50,294 of the world. 2239 01:33:52,460 --> 01:33:54,192 Which makes you extremely popular... 2240 01:33:54,194 --> 01:33:55,925 (MELLOW MUSIC PLAYING) 2241 01:33:55,927 --> 01:33:57,491 ...especially when everybody would rather be watching 2242 01:33:57,493 --> 01:33:59,259 Beverly Hills, 90210. 2243 01:33:59,261 --> 01:34:01,225 (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) 2244 01:34:01,227 --> 01:34:03,094 (CHARLOTTE CONTINUES SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY) 2245 01:34:07,094 --> 01:34:09,092 Oh, wow. 2246 01:34:09,094 --> 01:34:11,227 (CHARLOTTE CONTINUES SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY) 2247 01:34:14,094 --> 01:34:15,894 Oh, boy! 2248 01:34:18,927 --> 01:34:21,525 Oh, no... 2249 01:34:21,527 --> 01:34:22,992 Yucky. 2250 01:34:22,994 --> 01:34:25,292 (CHARLOTTE SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY ON VIDEO) 2251 01:34:25,294 --> 01:34:26,358 FRED: (ON VIDEO) Oh, boy! 2252 01:34:26,360 --> 01:34:28,061 What the fuck? 2253 01:34:29,393 --> 01:34:34,358 Oh, my God! I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry this happened. 2254 01:34:34,360 --> 01:34:36,092 - You don't have to be sorry. - What do we do? 2255 01:34:36,094 --> 01:34:38,092 This is what everyone was afraid was gonna happen, 2256 01:34:38,094 --> 01:34:39,159 because of me. 2257 01:34:39,161 --> 01:34:40,592 And now it's happening because of me. 2258 01:34:40,594 --> 01:34:41,892 - Do I get a publicist? - No. 2259 01:34:41,894 --> 01:34:43,125 - Do I do a publicity tour? - Stop. 2260 01:34:43,127 --> 01:34:44,292 Do we have a press conference? 2261 01:34:44,294 --> 01:34:47,261 Fred, listen to me. I took the deal. 2262 01:34:48,894 --> 01:34:49,958 What? 2263 01:34:49,960 --> 01:34:51,292 We scratched the tree thing 2264 01:34:51,294 --> 01:34:53,892 and I have a real shot at becoming president. 2265 01:34:53,894 --> 01:34:58,992 And some billionaire motherfucker 2266 01:34:58,994 --> 01:35:02,925 gets to blackmail you? Using me? 2267 01:35:02,927 --> 01:35:05,192 Doing something that everybody does? 2268 01:35:05,194 --> 01:35:07,192 Out of a policy that you cared about, 2269 01:35:07,194 --> 01:35:08,659 since you were in middle school. 2270 01:35:08,661 --> 01:35:10,391 Since I've known you, you've cared about this. 2271 01:35:10,393 --> 01:35:11,992 And now you're just gonna get rid of it? 2272 01:35:11,994 --> 01:35:16,192 I'm trying to compromise here for a bigger goal. 2273 01:35:16,194 --> 01:35:17,325 Well, I don't think you should right now. 2274 01:35:17,327 --> 01:35:18,426 Oh, my God! 2275 01:35:18,428 --> 01:35:20,025 Of course you don't think I should. 2276 01:35:20,027 --> 01:35:22,025 You never compromise for anything in your life, 2277 01:35:22,027 --> 01:35:23,659 which gives you the perfect excuse to fail. 2278 01:35:23,661 --> 01:35:26,559 Well, it's better than maybe bending over backwards 2279 01:35:26,561 --> 01:35:28,025 for anyone who asked, 2280 01:35:28,027 --> 01:35:29,459 to the point that you don't even know 2281 01:35:29,461 --> 01:35:31,059 why the fuck you're doing this shit anymore! 2282 01:35:31,061 --> 01:35:32,659 In my world, in order to achieve 2283 01:35:32,661 --> 01:35:34,592 what I'm trying to achieve, I have to compromise. 2284 01:35:34,594 --> 01:35:35,659 Oh, why, because you're a woman? 2285 01:35:35,661 --> 01:35:37,059 Yeah, motherfucker. 2286 01:35:37,061 --> 01:35:38,292 Okay, that makes sense. 2287 01:35:38,294 --> 01:35:40,892 And because I'm not giving up everything I've ever wanted 2288 01:35:40,894 --> 01:35:43,192 just because it doesn't live up to your moral code. 2289 01:35:43,194 --> 01:35:45,459 I don't care if this tape comes out. I really don't. 2290 01:35:45,461 --> 01:35:47,492 - Oh, my God, Fred. - I'll be okay. 2291 01:35:47,494 --> 01:35:49,361 You don't have to do this for me. 2292 01:35:51,394 --> 01:35:53,262 You're not doing this for me. 2293 01:35:54,461 --> 01:35:55,992 (SCOFFS) Obviously. 2294 01:35:55,994 --> 01:35:59,925 Look, you and I both know 2295 01:35:59,927 --> 01:36:01,892 the woman who stands beside the guy 2296 01:36:01,894 --> 01:36:04,226 that's coming on his face gets way more scrutiny 2297 01:36:04,228 --> 01:36:07,226 than the guy who's actually coming on his face. 2298 01:36:07,228 --> 01:36:08,992 Don't know if that's happened enough 2299 01:36:08,994 --> 01:36:10,559 for there to be, like, a precedent for it. 2300 01:36:10,561 --> 01:36:13,259 So, who knows? Maybe that won't be the case this time. 2301 01:36:13,261 --> 01:36:15,060 Who knows? Maybe people will think it's romantic. 2302 01:36:15,062 --> 01:36:16,592 I'm jerking... I'm jerking off to you. 2303 01:36:16,594 --> 01:36:18,226 You don't know how people are gonna react. 2304 01:36:18,228 --> 01:36:20,228 I'm not taking that risk. 2305 01:36:21,394 --> 01:36:22,894 (SIGHS) 2306 01:36:24,195 --> 01:36:25,261 I can't do it. 2307 01:36:26,661 --> 01:36:28,128 Okay. 2308 01:36:34,195 --> 01:36:38,062 So the video doesn't come out, what happens to us? 2309 01:36:43,394 --> 01:36:47,559 I was talking to Maggie, and she knows 2310 01:36:47,561 --> 01:36:50,026 this consultant who could scrub your history. 2311 01:36:50,028 --> 01:36:51,559 We could make sure nothing else like this 2312 01:36:51,561 --> 01:36:53,928 pops up and surprises us. 2313 01:36:54,461 --> 01:36:55,626 And then we just... 2314 01:36:55,628 --> 01:36:57,060 We work on your image, 2315 01:36:57,062 --> 01:36:58,993 and we figure out how we want to 2316 01:36:58,995 --> 01:37:01,459 present ourselves as a couple to the public. 2317 01:37:01,461 --> 01:37:02,594 That's all. 2318 01:37:07,895 --> 01:37:10,026 - Okay. - Okay. 2319 01:37:10,028 --> 01:37:11,192 How long... How long will it take, 2320 01:37:11,194 --> 01:37:14,160 do you think, to create 2321 01:37:14,162 --> 01:37:17,060 an image of me that we can present to the public? 2322 01:37:17,062 --> 01:37:20,627 Just through the first couple months of the campaign. 2323 01:37:20,629 --> 01:37:23,192 You think? But you don't know that, right? 2324 01:37:23,194 --> 01:37:24,492 It could take longer than that. 2325 01:37:24,494 --> 01:37:26,893 In a couple of months, you could find that it's not a good moment 2326 01:37:26,895 --> 01:37:29,426 to introduce a new boyfriend, right? 2327 01:37:29,428 --> 01:37:31,627 And then we'd have to wait a couple more months. 2328 01:37:31,629 --> 01:37:34,227 I don't know how long it's gonna take, Fred. 2329 01:37:35,095 --> 01:37:37,359 And then meanwhile, 2330 01:37:37,361 --> 01:37:39,261 you're pretending not to date me. 2331 01:37:40,428 --> 01:37:43,292 And you're scrubbing my Internet history? 2332 01:37:43,294 --> 01:37:45,060 So my articles are gone. 2333 01:37:45,062 --> 01:37:46,993 And you, like, sneak me around 2334 01:37:46,995 --> 01:37:48,959 like I'm Marilyn Monroe and you're JFK? 2335 01:37:48,961 --> 01:37:50,126 Is that what we're talking about? 2336 01:37:50,128 --> 01:37:53,259 I just want to be clear, that's what we're talking about. 2337 01:37:53,261 --> 01:37:55,595 And we have to do that because I'm... 2338 01:37:57,128 --> 01:37:58,294 ...not right. 2339 01:38:00,128 --> 01:38:02,893 And then once we present us to the world, 2340 01:38:02,895 --> 01:38:07,429 we present a version of me that isn't... actually me? 2341 01:38:11,128 --> 01:38:12,194 Yeah. 2342 01:38:15,529 --> 01:38:16,595 (FRED SIGHS) 2343 01:38:21,562 --> 01:38:22,995 I can't do it. 2344 01:38:25,127 --> 01:38:27,226 I wish 2345 01:38:27,228 --> 01:38:30,329 that I was the type of person that could, but I can't. 2346 01:38:39,495 --> 01:38:41,095 You don't have to do it. 2347 01:39:02,195 --> 01:39:04,193 FRED: Don't know what the fuck I was thinking. 2348 01:39:04,195 --> 01:39:08,126 Why the fuck I thought someone like her 2349 01:39:08,128 --> 01:39:09,959 and someone like me could work? 2350 01:39:09,961 --> 01:39:13,093 She's a fucking politician. Like, I don't even know her. 2351 01:39:13,095 --> 01:39:15,660 Like, I don't know who she is. 2352 01:39:15,662 --> 01:39:18,627 She has no moral compass. 2353 01:39:18,629 --> 01:39:21,293 She's working with fucking Democrats one day, 2354 01:39:21,295 --> 01:39:22,927 Republicans the next fucking day. 2355 01:39:22,929 --> 01:39:23,994 I mean, what's wrong with working 2356 01:39:23,996 --> 01:39:25,360 with Democrats and Republicans? 2357 01:39:25,362 --> 01:39:27,093 That's... That's the whole country. 2358 01:39:27,095 --> 01:39:30,293 Uh, yeah, except fuck Republicans, 2359 01:39:30,295 --> 01:39:31,960 I guess is the problem with that. 2360 01:39:31,962 --> 01:39:35,360 Speaking as an American, shouldn't you see both sides? 2361 01:39:35,362 --> 01:39:38,160 Yeah. I see one side's fucking wrong. 2362 01:39:38,162 --> 01:39:40,660 - (SCOFFS) - What's the problem here? 2363 01:39:40,662 --> 01:39:42,327 I'm a Republican. 2364 01:39:42,329 --> 01:39:44,093 You're fucking joking right now. 2365 01:39:44,095 --> 01:39:47,293 Member of the GOP! Yeah, you know me. 2366 01:39:47,295 --> 01:39:48,627 You're a Republican. 2367 01:39:48,629 --> 01:39:49,527 Yeah, I'm a Republican! 2368 01:39:49,529 --> 01:39:51,994 The shit has worked out so far for me. 2369 01:39:51,996 --> 01:39:53,560 What the fuck, man? 2370 01:39:53,562 --> 01:39:55,093 All that shit you're always saying to me! 2371 01:39:55,095 --> 01:39:56,293 - Yeah. - Pull yourself up 2372 01:39:56,295 --> 01:39:58,960 by your bootstraps. And being in charge of your own destiny. 2373 01:39:58,962 --> 01:40:01,193 - Republican shit. - Oh, and it worked on me. 2374 01:40:01,195 --> 01:40:02,927 And it works on a lot of people. 2375 01:40:02,929 --> 01:40:04,093 Oh, that's fucking sick. 2376 01:40:04,095 --> 01:40:05,193 That's right. 2377 01:40:05,195 --> 01:40:06,560 Ugh! That's gross! 2378 01:40:06,562 --> 01:40:08,493 That Republican shit, you put it in my brain 2379 01:40:08,495 --> 01:40:10,593 and it made me feel good. That's fucked up, man! 2380 01:40:10,595 --> 01:40:12,060 Come on. See, this is what I'm talking about, 2381 01:40:12,062 --> 01:40:13,160 your negative way of thinking. 2382 01:40:13,162 --> 01:40:14,427 I don't even know you! 2383 01:40:14,429 --> 01:40:15,293 - What do you mean? - Ugh! 2384 01:40:15,295 --> 01:40:16,894 I'm the same dude from two minutes ago. 2385 01:40:16,896 --> 01:40:17,960 Your best friend. 2386 01:40:17,962 --> 01:40:19,193 Why'd you never tell me this? 2387 01:40:19,195 --> 01:40:21,327 'Cause I knew you'd act exactly how you're acting right now. 2388 01:40:21,329 --> 01:40:22,994 Wait a minute. 2389 01:40:22,996 --> 01:40:25,493 You're always talking about how, like, the universe has a plan for all of us... 2390 01:40:25,495 --> 01:40:26,460 Take it easy. 2391 01:40:26,462 --> 01:40:28,393 There's someone watching over us at all times. 2392 01:40:28,395 --> 01:40:30,360 - Yeah. - Does that mean... 2393 01:40:30,362 --> 01:40:31,496 I'm a man of Christian faith. 2394 01:40:32,095 --> 01:40:34,126 What the fuck! 2395 01:40:34,128 --> 01:40:35,628 Now, come on now! We pray for you! 2396 01:40:35,630 --> 01:40:37,126 Don't pray for me! Keep it! 2397 01:40:37,128 --> 01:40:39,193 - Lord. - Oh, stop it. Ignore him, God! 2398 01:40:39,195 --> 01:40:41,160 - He doesn't mean that. - Don't pray for me! 2399 01:40:41,162 --> 01:40:42,327 You are trippin' right now. 2400 01:40:42,329 --> 01:40:43,393 I'm not fucking trippin'! How could you be Christian? 2401 01:40:43,395 --> 01:40:48,093 I wear this cross, every day, since you've known me! 2402 01:40:48,095 --> 01:40:49,260 What did you think it was for? 2403 01:40:49,262 --> 01:40:51,661 I thought it was... (SIGHS) 2404 01:40:51,663 --> 01:40:53,226 ...a cultural thing. 2405 01:40:53,228 --> 01:40:54,962 You mean like, 'cause I'm black? 2406 01:40:56,295 --> 01:40:57,430 That's what I thought, yeah. 2407 01:40:58,095 --> 01:40:59,160 That might be. 2408 01:40:59,162 --> 01:41:01,394 But that don't mean what you said ain't racist. 2409 01:41:01,396 --> 01:41:03,461 - You're right. - Yeah, I know I'm right! 2410 01:41:03,463 --> 01:41:05,126 - Fuck. - That's racist as shit! 2411 01:41:05,128 --> 01:41:06,361 All right, dude... 2412 01:41:06,363 --> 01:41:08,226 I love you, man. 2413 01:41:08,228 --> 01:41:11,226 But you're very judgmental. They don't want politics 2414 01:41:11,228 --> 01:41:13,361 to get into this, because you've never really 2415 01:41:13,363 --> 01:41:15,160 been good at looking at shit 2416 01:41:15,162 --> 01:41:17,026 from other people's perspective, Fred. 2417 01:41:17,028 --> 01:41:18,461 - I know. - It might explain 2418 01:41:18,463 --> 01:41:21,194 why you haven't been able to look at this through Charlotte's eyes. 2419 01:41:21,196 --> 01:41:22,261 I'm sorry. 2420 01:41:22,263 --> 01:41:24,194 I'm sorry you couldn't be who you are around me, 2421 01:41:24,196 --> 01:41:26,594 and you had to hide your true self. 2422 01:41:26,596 --> 01:41:27,927 That's really fucked up. 2423 01:41:27,929 --> 01:41:28,993 That's all right, man. 2424 01:41:28,995 --> 01:41:32,927 But my love for the GOP and the G-O-D 2425 01:41:32,929 --> 01:41:34,661 has nothing to do with us. 2426 01:41:34,663 --> 01:41:36,594 I'm racist. You're a Republican. 2427 01:41:36,596 --> 01:41:39,026 I don't know what the fuck's going on. 2428 01:41:39,028 --> 01:41:40,394 - (INDISTINCT CHATTER) - (CAMERA SHUTTERS CLICKING) 2429 01:41:40,396 --> 01:41:42,561 JAMES: Polls suggested I should get into yoga, 2430 01:41:42,563 --> 01:41:44,261 which I did and it turns out, 2431 01:41:44,263 --> 01:41:45,561 I don't really like yoga. 2432 01:41:45,563 --> 01:41:49,027 Don't you sometimes just wish you could say, 2433 01:41:49,029 --> 01:41:50,227 "Fuck the polls"? 2434 01:41:50,229 --> 01:41:55,528 Well, polls say that people find my laugh unattractive. 2435 01:41:55,530 --> 01:41:57,328 So I shouldn't laugh in public. 2436 01:41:57,330 --> 01:41:58,461 That was a bit of a bummer, 2437 01:41:58,463 --> 01:42:00,960 because I really, I like to laugh. 2438 01:42:00,962 --> 01:42:02,394 - A lot. - Hmm. 2439 01:42:02,396 --> 01:42:04,528 Um, but we came up with another laugh 2440 01:42:04,530 --> 01:42:06,261 that was better. That's more, uh... 2441 01:42:06,263 --> 01:42:08,094 - Presidential, I guess. - Hmm. 2442 01:42:08,096 --> 01:42:09,628 (LAUGHING) 2443 01:42:09,630 --> 01:42:10,628 That's good. 2444 01:42:10,630 --> 01:42:12,261 It's a lot of teeth and not too much sound. 2445 01:42:12,263 --> 01:42:14,927 - Yeah. - (SLURPS) Mmm. 2446 01:42:14,929 --> 01:42:17,094 So, um, after dinner, 2447 01:42:17,096 --> 01:42:18,661 how about we go for a drink somewhere? 2448 01:42:18,663 --> 01:42:19,927 Ooh. 2449 01:42:19,929 --> 01:42:23,094 I know this great little place that's not too far from here. 2450 01:42:23,096 --> 01:42:25,428 It's called Mini Bar. 2451 01:42:25,430 --> 01:42:29,628 It's quite exclusive, you need a little key to access it. 2452 01:42:29,630 --> 01:42:33,927 And you get charged as you remove the bottle. 2453 01:42:33,929 --> 01:42:35,528 - Hmm. - It's actually more of 2454 01:42:35,530 --> 01:42:37,261 a small fridge than a bar. 2455 01:42:37,263 --> 01:42:39,127 - And it's in my room... - No, I get it. 2456 01:42:39,129 --> 01:42:40,561 I'm inviting you back to my room. 2457 01:42:40,563 --> 01:42:43,229 - I... - (HIGH-PITCHED LAUGH) 2458 01:42:45,229 --> 01:42:47,294 - That was my real laugh. - Mmm! 2459 01:42:47,296 --> 01:42:48,428 - (CHUCKLING) - I don't know why 2460 01:42:48,430 --> 01:42:50,830 they told you not to use that laugh. 2461 01:42:52,229 --> 01:42:53,363 - It's... - (SLURPS LOUDLY) 2462 01:43:00,163 --> 01:43:02,061 Big day tomorrow, Madam Secretary. 2463 01:43:02,063 --> 01:43:04,428 (CAR RADIO PLAYING INDISTINCTLY) 2464 01:43:04,430 --> 01:43:06,296 Yeah. Big day. 2465 01:43:25,063 --> 01:43:26,294 (SIGHS) 2466 01:43:26,296 --> 01:43:28,597 Okay. "Hey, it's Fred." 2467 01:43:37,597 --> 01:43:39,464 (CELL PHONE RINGING) 2468 01:43:51,996 --> 01:43:53,063 Hello? 2469 01:43:54,664 --> 01:43:56,262 Beep. 2470 01:43:56,264 --> 01:43:58,597 Oh, uh, guess I got your voicemail. Um, hi. 2471 01:43:59,431 --> 01:44:01,662 It's Fred. 2472 01:44:01,664 --> 01:44:05,127 I guess I wanna start by saying I'm really sorry. 2473 01:44:05,129 --> 01:44:07,228 You were right about everything 2474 01:44:07,230 --> 01:44:09,331 and I was wrong about everything. 2475 01:44:11,029 --> 01:44:15,395 And we should go along with the plan. 2476 01:44:15,397 --> 01:44:19,029 I can be Marilyn. I can be your Marilyn. 2477 01:44:19,996 --> 01:44:21,495 I'd rather be your Lady Bird, 2478 01:44:21,497 --> 01:44:25,097 because, you know, LBJ put a ring on that finger. 2479 01:44:25,597 --> 01:44:27,027 (CHUCKLES SOFTLY) 2480 01:44:27,029 --> 01:44:30,429 But I would do anything to continue, 2481 01:44:30,431 --> 01:44:32,130 to be able to be with you. 2482 01:44:35,962 --> 01:44:37,130 Okay, bye. 2483 01:44:48,997 --> 01:44:49,997 (KNOCK ON DOOR, DOOR OPENS) 2484 01:44:51,464 --> 01:44:53,195 So, we're losing the trees, huh? 2485 01:44:53,197 --> 01:44:56,128 Yeah. POTUS talked me out of it. 2486 01:44:56,130 --> 01:44:58,395 I know that meant a lot to you. I'm so sorry. 2487 01:44:58,397 --> 01:45:00,262 Hmm, nothing we can do about it. 2488 01:45:00,264 --> 01:45:01,662 We need his endorsement. 2489 01:45:01,664 --> 01:45:03,997 - Yep. - Yep. 2490 01:45:06,664 --> 01:45:09,097 And I am sorry about you and Fred. 2491 01:45:12,230 --> 01:45:15,395 You know, he called last night. 2492 01:45:15,397 --> 01:45:17,529 He said he'd do it, he'd go along with the plan. 2493 01:45:17,531 --> 01:45:20,928 (EXHALES) Really? Wow. 2494 01:45:20,930 --> 01:45:23,030 That's a shock. 2495 01:45:24,464 --> 01:45:28,195 Um... Okay. 2496 01:45:28,197 --> 01:45:29,595 I'll... I'll start to make arrangements. 2497 01:45:29,597 --> 01:45:30,597 No, Maggie. 2498 01:45:31,464 --> 01:45:33,062 There's nothing to do. 2499 01:45:33,064 --> 01:45:35,030 At the end of the day, it was never gonna work. 2500 01:45:37,930 --> 01:45:41,095 Well, today is such a good day, 2501 01:45:41,097 --> 01:45:43,062 and I am so excited. 2502 01:45:43,064 --> 01:45:44,529 We should be psyched. 2503 01:45:44,531 --> 01:45:47,128 So psyched. (CHUCKLES) 2504 01:45:47,130 --> 01:45:49,262 All right, I will see you out there. 2505 01:45:49,264 --> 01:45:50,331 All right. 2506 01:46:09,498 --> 01:46:10,863 LANCE: Hey, man. 2507 01:46:11,532 --> 01:46:12,598 Can I get a beer? 2508 01:46:14,197 --> 01:46:17,362 - Thanks for coming. - No problem, bro. 2509 01:46:17,364 --> 01:46:19,995 How you feelin' though? 2510 01:46:19,997 --> 01:46:22,028 (EXHALES) Okay, you know, you were right. 2511 01:46:22,030 --> 01:46:23,228 I called her. 2512 01:46:23,230 --> 01:46:25,062 I left a message. She didn't call me back. 2513 01:46:25,064 --> 01:46:27,095 So... Whatever. 2514 01:46:27,097 --> 01:46:28,432 Sure you wanna watch this? 2515 01:46:29,398 --> 01:46:30,830 Yeah, I have to. 2516 01:46:33,097 --> 01:46:35,662 Madam Secretary, I'd like to introduce you 2517 01:46:35,664 --> 01:46:36,596 to Lil Yachty. 2518 01:46:36,598 --> 01:46:38,496 He's going to be performing after the speech. 2519 01:46:38,498 --> 01:46:40,028 Pleasure to meet you, Mr. Yachty. 2520 01:46:40,030 --> 01:46:42,363 I'm a big-ass fan. I'm so excited to vote for you. 2521 01:46:42,365 --> 01:46:44,432 - I'm sorry, it's game time. - (CLEARS THROAT) Okay. 2522 01:46:46,897 --> 01:46:48,930 - (TRIUMPHANT MUSIC PLAYING) - (AUDIENCE CHEERING) 2523 01:46:56,498 --> 01:46:58,398 (CHEERING CONTINUES ON TV) 2524 01:47:02,465 --> 01:47:04,163 Good morning! 2525 01:47:04,165 --> 01:47:07,131 Thank you, everyone, for being here with me today. 2526 01:47:08,398 --> 01:47:09,995 Let me start by saying something 2527 01:47:09,997 --> 01:47:12,363 I haven't said since I was 16 2528 01:47:12,365 --> 01:47:14,430 and worked at Blockbuster Video. 2529 01:47:14,432 --> 01:47:16,332 (LAUGHTER) 2530 01:47:16,664 --> 01:47:17,961 I quit... 2531 01:47:17,963 --> 01:47:20,096 - (CHUCKLES) - I helped write that joke. 2532 01:47:20,098 --> 01:47:21,296 Oh, yeah? That's a good joke. 2533 01:47:21,298 --> 01:47:23,396 ...as secretary of state, 2534 01:47:23,398 --> 01:47:25,029 in order to run 2535 01:47:25,031 --> 01:47:28,196 for president of the United States of America. 2536 01:47:28,198 --> 01:47:30,131 (ALL CHEERING AND APPLAUDING) 2537 01:47:31,398 --> 01:47:33,332 (CHUCKLING) God bless. 2538 01:47:36,165 --> 01:47:38,662 And I'm honored 2539 01:47:38,664 --> 01:47:42,396 to have the full support of President Chambers, 2540 01:47:42,398 --> 01:47:45,096 a man I greatly admire. 2541 01:47:45,098 --> 01:47:48,463 A man who is an extraordinary leader. 2542 01:47:48,465 --> 01:47:50,332 Man, you know who you should date? 2543 01:47:51,532 --> 01:47:53,065 Taylor Swift. 2544 01:47:54,231 --> 01:47:56,229 Hell, yeah. I could see that. 2545 01:47:56,231 --> 01:48:00,163 Why... Why do you think I could date Taylor Swift? 2546 01:48:00,165 --> 01:48:01,962 Fred, you were dating Charlotte Field. 2547 01:48:01,964 --> 01:48:03,463 That's the most powerful woman on Earth! 2548 01:48:03,465 --> 01:48:04,996 Oh, I get it. 2549 01:48:04,998 --> 01:48:07,098 I don't know what me and Taylor Swift have in common. 2550 01:48:08,332 --> 01:48:12,263 Y'all white. Ya ain't got a care in the world. 2551 01:48:12,265 --> 01:48:13,496 That's true. 2552 01:48:13,498 --> 01:48:15,465 But this campaign is not about me. 2553 01:48:16,165 --> 01:48:17,996 It's about you. 2554 01:48:17,998 --> 01:48:19,229 It's about us. 2555 01:48:19,231 --> 01:48:20,430 (WOMAN WHOOPS) 2556 01:48:20,432 --> 01:48:22,029 It's about how together, 2557 01:48:22,031 --> 01:48:26,096 we can build the future our fellow Americans deserve. 2558 01:48:26,098 --> 01:48:27,831 (ALL CHEERING) 2559 01:48:29,198 --> 01:48:32,163 I have dreamt about this moment 2560 01:48:32,165 --> 01:48:34,396 (EXHALES) ever since I was a little girl 2561 01:48:34,398 --> 01:48:36,498 growing up in the nation's capital. 2562 01:48:39,131 --> 01:48:42,663 And I know that if that young girl 2563 01:48:42,665 --> 01:48:46,131 could see me standing up here right now... 2564 01:48:48,964 --> 01:48:50,131 (SIGHS) 2565 01:48:51,432 --> 01:48:54,098 She would be so... 2566 01:48:56,198 --> 01:48:57,330 (CLICKS TONGUE) 2567 01:48:57,332 --> 01:48:59,031 She would be... 2568 01:49:05,466 --> 01:49:06,598 What's happening? 2569 01:49:08,198 --> 01:49:11,831 She... She would be so disappointed in me, actually. 2570 01:49:13,532 --> 01:49:17,063 Yeah, the truth is, that girl 2571 01:49:17,065 --> 01:49:18,263 would want me to be honest 2572 01:49:18,265 --> 01:49:20,929 and have integrity and not be 2573 01:49:20,931 --> 01:49:24,333 blackmailed by evil people with evil agendas. 2574 01:49:26,565 --> 01:49:28,397 So instead, I'm just gonna... 2575 01:49:28,399 --> 01:49:31,530 I'm just gonna tell the truth, and whatever happens, happens. 2576 01:49:31,532 --> 01:49:33,496 - So here we go. - (FEEDBACK ON MIC) 2577 01:49:33,498 --> 01:49:37,163 Parker Wembley and our dumb-fuck president... 2578 01:49:37,165 --> 01:49:38,463 Whoo! 2579 01:49:38,465 --> 01:49:39,663 ...are doing some evil shit together. 2580 01:49:39,665 --> 01:49:41,397 And because I just told you now, 2581 01:49:41,399 --> 01:49:44,996 they're going to release a video of a guy I dated 2582 01:49:44,998 --> 01:49:47,331 jerking off all over himself. 2583 01:49:47,333 --> 01:49:48,331 Release the video. 2584 01:49:48,333 --> 01:49:50,397 Get the fucking thing online. Get it online! 2585 01:49:50,399 --> 01:49:52,898 But don't slut shame me. I... 2586 01:49:54,199 --> 01:49:55,266 I like him. 2587 01:49:55,998 --> 01:49:57,563 I like him a lot. 2588 01:49:57,565 --> 01:49:59,565 Fred, you gotta go to her. 2589 01:50:01,665 --> 01:50:03,929 Go get her ass, man. 2590 01:50:03,931 --> 01:50:05,266 And he jerks off. 2591 01:50:07,598 --> 01:50:09,663 And so do all of you. 2592 01:50:09,665 --> 01:50:10,929 Hell, yeah! 2593 01:50:10,931 --> 01:50:13,130 So deal with it. 2594 01:50:13,132 --> 01:50:14,598 Deal with it, America. 2595 01:50:20,299 --> 01:50:22,066 - (INDISTINCT CHATTER) - (CAMERA SHUTTERS CLICKING) 2596 01:50:23,532 --> 01:50:25,563 Hey! I'm Fred! 2597 01:50:25,565 --> 01:50:27,230 Is that an XL? 2598 01:50:27,232 --> 01:50:28,496 I've got five stars in it, 2599 01:50:28,498 --> 01:50:29,997 if you could speed this shit up, man! 2600 01:50:29,999 --> 01:50:31,331 We'll give you extra tip, real tip. 2601 01:50:31,333 --> 01:50:32,663 Not Uber tip! Cash tip! 2602 01:50:32,665 --> 01:50:35,032 - (ALL CLAMORING) - AGENT M: Get back! Get back! 2603 01:50:38,099 --> 01:50:40,199 - Where are we going? - I don't know. 2604 01:50:41,398 --> 01:50:42,932 (ALL CLAMORING) 2605 01:50:44,132 --> 01:50:45,396 MAGGIE: She's leaving? Where is she going? 2606 01:50:45,398 --> 01:50:47,197 Shit, I don't know. This isn't on the itinerary. 2607 01:50:47,199 --> 01:50:49,364 Tom, you have to think past the itinerary! 2608 01:50:49,366 --> 01:50:50,297 I can't. 2609 01:50:50,299 --> 01:50:52,130 LANCE: Fred, I just got a Wembley news alert 2610 01:50:52,132 --> 01:50:54,331 - with your name on it. - FRED: Don't open it! 2611 01:50:54,333 --> 01:50:57,030 FRED: (ON VIDEO) Oh, yeah! Oh, boy! 2612 01:50:57,032 --> 01:50:58,430 (LAUGHING) Oh, Fred! 2613 01:50:58,432 --> 01:51:01,430 Oh, no. Oh, no. 2614 01:51:01,432 --> 01:51:02,630 Hey, it's all right, man. 2615 01:51:02,632 --> 01:51:04,297 You know, we all got our things. 2616 01:51:04,299 --> 01:51:05,997 I don't bust a nut on my face. 2617 01:51:05,999 --> 01:51:08,197 - But, like... - It's not like a thing I do! 2618 01:51:08,199 --> 01:51:09,363 (GUFFAWS) 2619 01:51:09,365 --> 01:51:11,197 Do you think that'll, like, go viral? 2620 01:51:11,199 --> 01:51:14,032 (SCOFFS) This is the news! 2621 01:51:14,633 --> 01:51:16,299 (LAUGHING) Oh, shit. 2622 01:51:24,232 --> 01:51:27,463 Excuse me. Move, damn it! This man is in love. 2623 01:51:27,465 --> 01:51:29,331 Secretary Field just drove away, 2624 01:51:29,333 --> 01:51:31,396 no comment as to her destination. 2625 01:51:31,398 --> 01:51:33,531 We're gonna keep tracking this story for you... 2626 01:51:33,533 --> 01:51:35,363 CAMERAMAN: Yo, check it out. It's the come-guy! 2627 01:51:35,365 --> 01:51:37,064 - MAN: Yeah, that's him! - REPORTER: Oh, sir, 2628 01:51:37,066 --> 01:51:38,264 just a couple of questions. We're live right now. 2629 01:51:38,266 --> 01:51:41,396 No! I'm come-guy? 2630 01:51:41,398 --> 01:51:43,097 No comments at this time, thank you! Thank you! 2631 01:51:43,099 --> 01:51:44,230 Thank you! 2632 01:51:44,232 --> 01:51:46,332 Do not touch him! Do not touch him! 2633 01:51:59,841 --> 01:52:00,907 Hi. 2634 01:52:01,907 --> 01:52:03,074 Holy shit. 2635 01:52:05,174 --> 01:52:06,707 Did you see my speech? 2636 01:52:07,941 --> 01:52:10,674 Yeah. I think everyone saw it. 2637 01:52:11,141 --> 01:52:12,141 Yeah. 2638 01:52:14,941 --> 01:52:16,874 You know, your video's out there. 2639 01:52:17,774 --> 01:52:19,274 Yeah, I caught that. (CHUCKLES) 2640 01:52:26,274 --> 01:52:28,241 Here's the deal. I love you. 2641 01:52:30,008 --> 01:52:32,106 I know I do. 2642 01:52:32,108 --> 01:52:35,074 Because I've never been so scared in my entire life. 2643 01:52:38,041 --> 01:52:42,740 And I once shared an elevator with Saddam Hussein. 2644 01:52:44,074 --> 01:52:46,241 Just me and Saddam. 2645 01:52:49,308 --> 01:52:51,174 And this is way scarier. 2646 01:52:54,108 --> 01:52:55,640 I love you. 2647 01:52:58,775 --> 01:53:01,239 Okay, you're really gonna have to say something right now. 2648 01:53:01,241 --> 01:53:02,842 'Cause I'm freaking out. 2649 01:53:05,707 --> 01:53:07,975 I've been in love with you since I was 12 years old. 2650 01:53:10,441 --> 01:53:12,306 (BREATHING SHAKILY) 2651 01:53:12,308 --> 01:53:13,775 (CHUCKLES) 2652 01:53:19,308 --> 01:53:21,308 (DOORBELL BUZZING) 2653 01:53:29,074 --> 01:53:30,074 Oh. 2654 01:53:31,775 --> 01:53:32,840 Hello? 2655 01:53:32,842 --> 01:53:35,906 Hey, Fred, uh, there's a million people out here 2656 01:53:35,908 --> 01:53:38,306 and they want to talk to the candidate and the come-guy. 2657 01:53:38,308 --> 01:53:40,141 So, I figured they'd hit you. 2658 01:53:51,842 --> 01:53:53,708 (ALL CHEERING) 2659 01:54:01,007 --> 01:54:02,341 LANCE: Fred! 2660 01:54:03,308 --> 01:54:04,842 Fred! 2661 01:54:10,141 --> 01:54:13,072 A crazy day. 2662 01:54:13,074 --> 01:54:15,307 But I'm really glad you're all here. 2663 01:54:15,309 --> 01:54:17,375 I'd like to introduce you to someone. 2664 01:54:18,741 --> 01:54:19,808 This is Fred. 2665 01:54:20,442 --> 01:54:21,708 Hi, there. 2666 01:54:23,309 --> 01:54:25,307 - My boyfriend. - (ALL CHEERING) 2667 01:54:25,309 --> 01:54:26,675 Whoo! 2668 01:54:29,974 --> 01:54:31,906 You kind of know him already, 2669 01:54:31,908 --> 01:54:34,005 but you'll get to know him a lot more 2670 01:54:34,007 --> 01:54:35,309 in the next few months... 2671 01:54:36,509 --> 01:54:39,139 'Cause he's gonna be right by my side on my campaign trail. 2672 01:54:39,141 --> 01:54:40,842 (ALL CHEERING) 2673 01:54:44,041 --> 01:54:45,375 (CHEERING LOUDER) 2674 01:54:49,775 --> 01:54:51,641 Wakanda Forever! 2675 01:54:59,842 --> 01:55:02,107 Charlotte! Charlotte! 2676 01:55:02,109 --> 01:55:04,708 ALL: (CHANTING) Charlotte! Charlotte! 2677 01:55:05,875 --> 01:55:07,340 LANCE: I started the chant! 2678 01:55:07,342 --> 01:55:09,275 I started that chant! 2679 01:55:13,008 --> 01:55:14,706 ...that I will faithfully execute 2680 01:55:14,708 --> 01:55:17,940 the office of the president of the United States. 2681 01:55:17,942 --> 01:55:19,307 REPORTER: What a momentous day, 2682 01:55:19,309 --> 01:55:20,806 our first female president. 2683 01:55:20,808 --> 01:55:22,739 I never thought I'd see it. 2684 01:55:22,741 --> 01:55:24,440 Well, I mean, a lot of people are gonna say 2685 01:55:24,442 --> 01:55:26,440 this is a historic moment for women everywhere, 2686 01:55:26,442 --> 01:55:28,706 but do we really want her finger on the button 2687 01:55:28,708 --> 01:55:30,040 when it's that time of the month? 2688 01:55:30,042 --> 01:55:31,906 I wouldn't want my wife making any decision 2689 01:55:31,908 --> 01:55:33,240 during that time of the month. 2690 01:55:33,242 --> 01:55:35,073 You know what? Fuck you guys. I quit. 2691 01:55:35,075 --> 01:55:36,673 Looks like it's someone's time of the month. 2692 01:55:36,675 --> 01:55:38,207 - (LAUGHS) Oh! - Looks like Aunt Flow 2693 01:55:38,209 --> 01:55:40,073 is going to work down at the Red River Casino... Oh! 2694 01:55:40,075 --> 01:55:41,307 Jesus Christ! Quick, quick, cut! 2695 01:55:41,309 --> 01:55:45,673 Hi! I'm the First Mister of the United States of America. 2696 01:55:45,675 --> 01:55:47,140 My name is Fred Field. 2697 01:55:47,142 --> 01:55:48,307 I took my wife's last name. 2698 01:55:48,309 --> 01:55:52,373 And, uh, I'm gonna give you a tour of the White House. 2699 01:55:52,375 --> 01:55:55,340 We're starting with the portraits of the first spouses. 2700 01:55:55,342 --> 01:55:57,207 Here we have Mamie Eisenhower. 2701 01:55:57,209 --> 01:55:58,273 Jackie Kennedy. 2702 01:55:58,275 --> 01:56:01,107 We have the beautiful Lady Bird Johnson's portrait. 2703 01:56:01,109 --> 01:56:03,840 And that leads us into my portrait. 2704 01:56:03,842 --> 01:56:06,107 It was painted by Todd McFarlane, 2705 01:56:06,109 --> 01:56:08,674 who created the Spawn comics, of course. 2706 01:56:08,676 --> 01:56:10,342 The first versions were a little over the top. 2707 01:56:12,075 --> 01:56:14,140 Hi, guys. 2708 01:56:14,142 --> 01:56:16,006 FRED: I used to think the best way for me to change the world, 2709 01:56:16,008 --> 01:56:17,906 to make it a better place was through journalism. 2710 01:56:17,908 --> 01:56:19,373 Then I realized that's not at all the case. 2711 01:56:19,375 --> 01:56:22,973 Really, the best thing I could be doing for the world 2712 01:56:22,975 --> 01:56:25,973 is just supporting this amazing person 2713 01:56:25,975 --> 01:56:27,774 and just trying to learn from her 2714 01:56:27,776 --> 01:56:29,307 and kinda just trying to be 2715 01:56:29,309 --> 01:56:31,840 the best first mister I can be. 2716 01:56:31,842 --> 01:56:34,407 I actually got a tattoo of the first mister insignia. 2717 01:56:34,409 --> 01:56:37,207 - He did. - There we are. 2718 01:56:37,209 --> 01:56:38,373 CHARLOTTE: You're wearing mittens. 2719 01:56:38,375 --> 01:56:39,774 FRED: Got little mittens on. 2720 01:56:39,776 --> 01:56:42,273 If you think of where this tattoo started to where it ended up. 2721 01:56:42,275 --> 01:56:44,207 It really has an amazing arc to it. 2722 01:56:44,209 --> 01:56:47,140 INTERVIEWER: What are some of the perks of your new roles? 2723 01:56:47,142 --> 01:56:50,441 Well, I finally get to enact my vision for America. 2724 01:56:50,443 --> 01:56:52,674 I finally got to find out who killed Kennedy. 2725 01:56:52,676 --> 01:56:53,906 - Oh, my God. Don't you dare. - I won't say. 2726 01:56:53,908 --> 01:56:55,073 - Don't. - I won't say. 2727 01:56:55,075 --> 01:56:56,173 Fred, I'm not kidding around. 2728 01:56:56,175 --> 01:56:57,240 It's not who you think! 2729 01:56:57,242 --> 01:56:58,774 Don't do it. 2730 01:56:58,776 --> 01:56:59,842 It's pretty surprising. 2731 01:57:00,776 --> 01:57:02,273 He's my Mister. 2732 01:57:02,275 --> 01:57:04,908 I'm her Mister. And she's my president. 2733 01:57:08,186 --> 01:57:11,933 Subtitles by explosiveskull www.OpenSubtitles.org 199975