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1
00:00:01,102 --> 00:00:04,004
2
00:00:10,211 --> 00:00:11,712
Wow.
3
00:00:11,745 --> 00:00:14,348
I can't believe you guys got
a reservation at this spot.
4
00:00:14,382 --> 00:00:16,917
Or are we just pretending
to be the next party of four,
5
00:00:16,950 --> 00:00:18,252
regardless of what name
they call?
6
00:00:18,286 --> 00:00:19,587
Oh, yeah, 'cause
I'll do that.
7
00:00:19,620 --> 00:00:20,921
I am starving.
8
00:00:20,954 --> 00:00:22,490
Spencer, party of three.
9
00:00:22,523 --> 00:00:24,225
Yeah, that's us.
Sorry, Greg, you're out.
10
00:00:24,258 --> 00:00:26,527
-(stammers)
-No, no, no, we have
an actual reservation.
11
00:00:26,560 --> 00:00:28,362
And not only that--
12
00:00:28,396 --> 00:00:31,099
dinner is on us tonight.
13
00:00:31,132 --> 00:00:32,566
-What? No way.
-Uh, absolutely not.
-Yes!
14
00:00:32,600 --> 00:00:34,435
-MATT: No, no, no. We insist.
-No.
-Yes!
15
00:00:34,468 --> 00:00:36,870
As a thank you for helping Lucas
get into Lark's preschool.
16
00:00:36,904 --> 00:00:39,407
He wouldn't be there without
your letter of recommendation,
17
00:00:39,440 --> 00:00:41,342
-so...
-And he already
got reprimanded
18
00:00:41,375 --> 00:00:43,177
for bullying.
And you know what bullies have?
19
00:00:43,211 --> 00:00:45,379
Confidence.
So, thank you.
20
00:00:45,413 --> 00:00:47,215
-It was our pleasure. Really.
-Yeah, really.
21
00:00:47,248 --> 00:00:49,550
It's the least we can do.
And not just because it means
22
00:00:49,583 --> 00:00:52,286
-that now you can
pick Lark up for us.
-(laughter)
23
00:00:52,320 --> 00:00:53,787
Tonight is our treat.
You guys just chill out.
24
00:00:53,821 --> 00:00:55,223
We're gonna go buy a round.
25
00:00:55,256 --> 00:00:58,592
Wow. Look at that.
26
00:00:58,626 --> 00:01:01,028
Hey, babe, good job
writing that letter.
27
00:01:01,061 --> 00:01:02,530
I didn't write that letter.
28
00:01:02,563 --> 00:01:04,365
What do you mean?
You've been acting like you did.
29
00:01:04,398 --> 00:01:05,733
Because I thought you wrote it.
30
00:01:05,766 --> 00:01:06,900
I specifically remember
31
00:01:06,934 --> 00:01:08,202
you saying that
you would write it,
32
00:01:08,236 --> 00:01:10,138
because you elbowed me
in the ribs so hard
33
00:01:10,171 --> 00:01:12,473
-that I spit my retainer
out into the toilet.
-No, no, no, no.
34
00:01:12,506 --> 00:01:14,275
I remember you promising,
because you had just finished
35
00:01:14,308 --> 00:01:16,477
that rap documentary and you
made up some ridiculous rhyme
36
00:01:16,510 --> 00:01:17,811
-about the letter.
-Listen,
37
00:01:17,845 --> 00:01:19,480
just because I spit
a sick freestyle
38
00:01:19,513 --> 00:01:21,482
-does not mean
I'm actually gonna do it.
-(groans)
39
00:01:21,515 --> 00:01:23,984
Greg, come on. They are paying
for a crazy expensive dinner
40
00:01:24,017 --> 00:01:25,986
because they think we are
the reason that Lucas got in.
41
00:01:26,019 --> 00:01:27,288
So we have to tell them.
42
00:01:27,321 --> 00:01:28,556
I feel awful.
43
00:01:28,589 --> 00:01:30,258
Straight up unlawful.
44
00:01:31,959 --> 00:01:35,496
-Hey! We got the fanciest
drink on the menu.
-(chuckles)
45
00:01:35,529 --> 00:01:37,831
These are chocolate martinis.
46
00:01:37,865 --> 00:01:39,099
COLLEEN:
The bartender was so impressed.
47
00:01:39,133 --> 00:01:41,769
He said no one's
ever ordered four before.
48
00:01:41,802 --> 00:01:44,405
-(chuckles)
-Okay. Uh, look, guys,
there-there's no way
49
00:01:44,438 --> 00:01:46,307
that we can let you
buy dinner tonight.
50
00:01:46,340 --> 00:01:47,641
Well, too bad, bro.
51
00:01:47,675 --> 00:01:49,243
When we were
being interviewed,
52
00:01:49,277 --> 00:01:52,580
we talked about how much
we wanted Lark and Lucas
53
00:01:52,613 --> 00:01:54,982
to-to be as close
as you and I are.
54
00:01:55,015 --> 00:01:56,116
Say what?
55
00:01:56,150 --> 00:01:57,685
And I realized
that I was talking about
56
00:01:57,718 --> 00:01:59,987
the relationship
that I wish we had.
57
00:02:00,020 --> 00:02:02,490
Because I know that
I haven't always been
58
00:02:02,523 --> 00:02:03,924
the best brother, Greg.
59
00:02:03,957 --> 00:02:05,326
But I want that to change,
60
00:02:05,359 --> 00:02:06,994
and I want it to change
starting today.
61
00:02:07,027 --> 00:02:08,662
'Kay.
62
00:02:08,696 --> 00:02:09,930
To a sinfully
63
00:02:09,963 --> 00:02:10,931
sweet evening.
64
00:02:10,964 --> 00:02:13,133
These were $18 each.
65
00:02:13,167 --> 00:02:14,535
-(chuckles)
-HOSTESS: Short,
66
00:02:14,568 --> 00:02:16,103
-party of four.
-Oh, right here.
67
00:02:16,136 --> 00:02:18,005
-Follow me.
-Yay.
68
00:02:18,038 --> 00:02:19,840
Oh, my God.
69
00:02:19,873 --> 00:02:21,175
Did you hear that?
70
00:02:21,209 --> 00:02:23,110
Uh-huh. You know
what I didn't hear?
71
00:02:23,143 --> 00:02:24,945
You telling him that we
didn't write that letter.
72
00:02:24,978 --> 00:02:26,447
Oh. But...
(scoffs)
73
00:02:26,480 --> 00:02:29,016
Jen, I have never heard him
say anything like that
74
00:02:29,049 --> 00:02:30,518
-to me before, all right?
-(groans)
75
00:02:30,551 --> 00:02:32,520
All right? A-And, look,
I'm not gonna mess up
76
00:02:32,553 --> 00:02:34,455
our one chance
at really being close
77
00:02:34,488 --> 00:02:35,689
by telling him
I screwed up.
78
00:02:35,723 --> 00:02:37,325
Their kid got
into the school.
79
00:02:37,358 --> 00:02:38,492
Victimless crime.
80
00:02:38,526 --> 00:02:40,394
Yeah, until the bill comes.
81
00:02:40,428 --> 00:02:42,496
Well, then we'll
just order light.
82
00:02:42,530 --> 00:02:44,164
Oh, good. I'm starving.
83
00:02:44,198 --> 00:02:46,467
So this works out perfectly.
84
00:02:46,500 --> 00:02:50,971
I think I will
just have the broth.
85
00:02:51,004 --> 00:02:52,640
Jen,
86
00:02:52,673 --> 00:02:54,708
tonight's a night
to splurge.
87
00:02:54,742 --> 00:02:57,478
No, no. I really need
to lose some weight.
88
00:02:57,511 --> 00:02:59,380
Who told you that? You
said you were starving.
89
00:02:59,413 --> 00:03:01,482
She's not as hungry as
she thought she was.
90
00:03:01,515 --> 00:03:03,150
Isn't that right, Jen?
91
00:03:03,183 --> 00:03:04,218
JEN:
Mm-hmm.
92
00:03:05,553 --> 00:03:08,389
(quietly): If you ever want
to talk, call me.
93
00:03:08,422 --> 00:03:10,691
You know what, I,
uh, I think, uh,
94
00:03:10,724 --> 00:03:12,092
this little plate of olives
95
00:03:12,125 --> 00:03:13,927
-will fill me right up.
-Greg,
96
00:03:13,961 --> 00:03:16,330
dude, you're gonna split the
tomahawk steak for two with me.
97
00:03:16,364 --> 00:03:19,733
But... but that's
a couple's dish.
98
00:03:19,767 --> 00:03:21,569
Well, that's what we are.
We're a couple of brothers.
99
00:03:21,602 --> 00:03:25,038
Come on, you-you got
to split that with me.
100
00:03:25,072 --> 00:03:27,275
'Kay.
101
00:03:27,308 --> 00:03:29,109
Uh, but, Greg, what about
102
00:03:29,142 --> 00:03:31,111
all those filling olives?
103
00:03:31,144 --> 00:03:33,547
I mean, some of them
are even stuffed.
104
00:03:33,581 --> 00:03:35,883
No, no, no,
no, no. My, uh...
105
00:03:35,916 --> 00:03:39,052
my-my brother wants to
share an entrée with me,
106
00:03:39,086 --> 00:03:41,389
and-and we've never
shared anything before.
107
00:03:41,422 --> 00:03:45,293
Yes, but you could share
a veggie burger. (chuckles)
108
00:03:45,326 --> 00:03:46,727
Oh, I don't want
a veggie burger.
109
00:03:46,760 --> 00:03:48,562
Yeah, but Matt doesn't
want a veggie burger.
110
00:03:48,596 --> 00:03:50,931
Jen, do you want
a veggie burger?
111
00:03:52,566 --> 00:03:53,701
Let's just get one,
put it on the table,
112
00:03:53,734 --> 00:03:55,235
see what happens.
113
00:04:00,941 --> 00:04:03,777
(quietly):
Uh, psst, Jen,
114
00:04:03,811 --> 00:04:05,212
this is the veggie burger.
115
00:04:05,245 --> 00:04:07,114
For later,
when Greg's not looking.
116
00:04:07,147 --> 00:04:08,516
Thank you.
117
00:04:09,583 --> 00:04:11,051
Okay,
I'm dying
118
00:04:11,084 --> 00:04:12,286
to know.
119
00:04:12,320 --> 00:04:14,054
What did you write
in the letter?
120
00:04:14,087 --> 00:04:16,790
-Who remembers?
(chuckles)
-(chuckles)
121
00:04:16,824 --> 00:04:18,125
Well, can we have a copy?
122
00:04:18,158 --> 00:04:19,760
I...
123
00:04:19,793 --> 00:04:22,162
-don't think that is allowed.
-No.
124
00:04:22,195 --> 00:04:23,831
Oh, come on, man. Just,
like, show us on your phone
125
00:04:23,864 --> 00:04:25,165
or something, you know?
I mean, it's not like
126
00:04:25,198 --> 00:04:26,334
-we're gonna tell anyone.
-No.
127
00:04:26,367 --> 00:04:28,168
-Now?
-Yeah.
-Yeah.
128
00:04:28,201 --> 00:04:29,837
Oh. (snorts)
Yeah, I...
129
00:04:29,870 --> 00:04:31,605
It's not on
my phone. I-I...
130
00:04:31,639 --> 00:04:34,107
-I sent that, uh,
e-mail from my laptop.
-Yeah.
131
00:04:34,141 --> 00:04:36,677
Oh. Well, then it should
still be on your phone.
132
00:04:36,710 --> 00:04:38,245
Okay, does anyone else
feel like Colleen
133
00:04:38,278 --> 00:04:39,613
is attacking me right now?
134
00:04:39,647 --> 00:04:41,114
Okay. All right. No, no, no,
Colleen, back off.
135
00:04:41,148 --> 00:04:42,416
Greg's my little brother,
you know?
136
00:04:42,450 --> 00:04:44,017
He's just doing things
the right way.
137
00:04:44,051 --> 00:04:45,786
We'll-we'll just a copy
from the school tomorrow.
138
00:04:46,854 --> 00:04:48,356
Totally.
139
00:04:48,389 --> 00:04:50,023
Um...
140
00:04:50,057 --> 00:04:52,025
we...
141
00:04:52,059 --> 00:04:55,062
did not write the letter.
142
00:04:56,229 --> 00:04:58,031
But-but before
you get upset,
143
00:04:58,065 --> 00:05:01,134
Matt, I-I just want you to think
back very clearly on this night.
144
00:05:01,168 --> 00:05:03,804
We never explicitly stated
that we wrote the letter,
145
00:05:03,837 --> 00:05:05,272
so...
(chuckles)
146
00:05:05,305 --> 00:05:07,708
Wow, man.
147
00:05:07,741 --> 00:05:09,543
I can't believe
you let us down.
148
00:05:09,577 --> 00:05:11,278
We shared a bone, Greg.
149
00:05:11,311 --> 00:05:12,846
You're right. You're
absolutely right.
150
00:05:12,880 --> 00:05:14,648
I am-- I am sorry, Matthew.
151
00:05:14,682 --> 00:05:17,851
And, uh, why don't you
let us share the bill,
152
00:05:17,885 --> 00:05:19,853
like brothers?
153
00:05:19,887 --> 00:05:21,288
How 'bout you pay
for the whole thing?
154
00:05:21,321 --> 00:05:22,890
Sure. That sounds fair.
155
00:05:24,324 --> 00:05:25,793
Okay, well,
if this is on us,
156
00:05:25,826 --> 00:05:27,194
um, 'scuse me, yeah,
157
00:05:27,227 --> 00:05:28,829
please throw this away.
158
00:05:30,163 --> 00:05:31,832
I'm just gonna...
159
00:05:39,339 --> 00:05:42,309
It took four years,
but I'm finally done.
160
00:05:42,342 --> 00:05:45,212
Hi. Let's go
get me a pig.
161
00:05:45,245 --> 00:05:47,748
A pig? What are
you talking about?
162
00:05:47,781 --> 00:05:51,685
You promised I could have one if
I did everything on this list.
163
00:05:51,719 --> 00:05:53,854
"Straight A's,
saved money for pig food,
164
00:05:53,887 --> 00:05:57,057
-walked Pop-Pop's dog
to learn responsibility."
-Oh.
165
00:05:57,090 --> 00:06:00,060
Hey, hey, hey. "Stop eating pork
out of respect for pigs' lives."
166
00:06:00,093 --> 00:06:01,228
You didn't do that one.
167
00:06:01,261 --> 00:06:03,831
I give you bacon
every Saturday.
168
00:06:03,864 --> 00:06:05,332
And I give it to Dad.
169
00:06:05,365 --> 00:06:06,333
Tim.
170
00:06:06,366 --> 00:06:08,702
We had a good thing
going there, Sophia.
171
00:06:09,970 --> 00:06:12,072
Ah, there's got to be
a loophole here somewhere.
172
00:06:12,105 --> 00:06:13,641
It's not notarized.
173
00:06:14,708 --> 00:06:16,376
Oh. Yes, it is.
174
00:06:18,211 --> 00:06:20,180
(groans)
What are we gonna do?
175
00:06:20,213 --> 00:06:23,383
Besides tell Jen to stop
notarizing things for the kids.
176
00:06:23,417 --> 00:06:25,419
We can't get her a pig.
177
00:06:25,453 --> 00:06:27,220
Tim, we have to.
We promised her.
178
00:06:27,254 --> 00:06:29,890
We can't teach her that promises
are just meaningless.
179
00:06:29,923 --> 00:06:31,592
We can get her something
she wants even more.
180
00:06:31,625 --> 00:06:34,261
Are you saying that
we should bribe our daughter?
181
00:06:34,294 --> 00:06:35,362
Yes.
182
00:06:35,395 --> 00:06:36,697
Oh, great.
I just wanted to make sure
183
00:06:36,730 --> 00:06:38,231
that we were on the same page.
184
00:06:39,266 --> 00:06:40,634
Hey.
185
00:06:40,668 --> 00:06:42,703
I was just thinking of names
for my pig.
186
00:06:42,736 --> 00:06:44,104
-HEATHER: Ooh.
-What do you like better,
187
00:06:44,137 --> 00:06:45,539
Kevin Bacon
188
00:06:45,573 --> 00:06:47,708
or Kiefer Sutherland?
189
00:06:47,741 --> 00:06:50,377
Obviously,
both are strong.
190
00:06:50,410 --> 00:06:51,779
Yeah, you're right.
191
00:06:51,812 --> 00:06:53,581
I'll just have to meet him
and see what fits.
192
00:06:53,614 --> 00:06:55,816
Mm. Okay, so, first of all,
193
00:06:55,849 --> 00:06:58,418
we are so proud of you
194
00:06:58,452 --> 00:07:01,154
for accomplishing
everything on that list.
195
00:07:01,188 --> 00:07:03,457
-So, so proud.
-Mm-hmm.
196
00:07:03,491 --> 00:07:06,426
I'm not getting a pig, am I?
197
00:07:06,460 --> 00:07:09,229
Well, we were thinking
that maybe...
198
00:07:09,262 --> 00:07:12,399
there was something you wanted
even more than a pig.
199
00:07:12,432 --> 00:07:13,667
Like what?
200
00:07:13,701 --> 00:07:15,569
-Like a ficus.
-Ho, ho, ho.
201
00:07:15,603 --> 00:07:18,806
Mom, Mom,
how is that better than a pig?
202
00:07:18,839 --> 00:07:21,241
-Hey, how about sea monkeys?
-Ooh!
203
00:07:21,274 --> 00:07:23,343
Monkeys are way
cooler than pigs.
204
00:07:23,376 --> 00:07:25,479
Those are brine shrimp.
205
00:07:25,513 --> 00:07:27,481
Shrimp are way
cooler than pigs.
206
00:07:27,515 --> 00:07:29,950
Listen, there's got
to be something
207
00:07:29,983 --> 00:07:32,119
that you want
other than a pig.
208
00:07:32,152 --> 00:07:33,921
I don't know.
209
00:07:33,954 --> 00:07:35,856
Maybe a cell phone.
210
00:07:35,889 --> 00:07:37,991
(sighs) Oh, come on.
We talked about that. No.
211
00:07:38,025 --> 00:07:41,094
You're 11. You really expect
us to buy you a cell phone?
212
00:07:41,128 --> 00:07:43,797
No. I expect you
to get me a pig...
213
00:07:43,831 --> 00:07:45,432
like you promised.
214
00:07:45,465 --> 00:07:47,601
Okay, fine,
we'll get you a cell phone,
215
00:07:47,635 --> 00:07:49,269
but we use parental controls,
216
00:07:49,302 --> 00:07:51,772
and I get to check it
whenever I want to.
217
00:07:51,805 --> 00:07:53,173
And no case.
218
00:07:53,206 --> 00:07:54,642
But what if I drop it?
219
00:07:54,675 --> 00:07:56,944
All right, a decent case,
but not a great one.
220
00:07:56,977 --> 00:07:59,880
I guess that's okay.
221
00:08:05,185 --> 00:08:07,220
Okay, joke is on her,
222
00:08:07,254 --> 00:08:09,723
because I was willing
to go as high as a car.
223
00:08:09,757 --> 00:08:13,293
-Hmm!
-You guys know she wanted
a phone all along, right?
224
00:08:13,326 --> 00:08:14,862
No, she wanted a pig.
225
00:08:14,895 --> 00:08:17,497
That's why she asked for a pig.
Try to keep up, Sam.
226
00:08:17,531 --> 00:08:20,300
Really? She talks to me about
getting a cell phone every week.
227
00:08:20,333 --> 00:08:22,670
When was the last time
she even mentioned a pig?
228
00:08:22,703 --> 00:08:25,739
Yesterday, and
then there was
229
00:08:25,773 --> 00:08:27,808
that one time before
that she mentioned...
230
00:08:27,841 --> 00:08:29,877
-I don't know. Well,
you tell her, Tim.
-Aah!
231
00:08:29,910 --> 00:08:32,212
All right, look.
232
00:08:32,245 --> 00:08:34,648
See this? This is a pig binder.
233
00:08:34,682 --> 00:08:37,350
Picture of a pig.
No cell phone on it.
234
00:08:37,384 --> 00:08:39,352
A happy little fat pig.
235
00:08:39,386 --> 00:08:41,388
And inside, you'll find
236
00:08:41,421 --> 00:08:42,723
more drawings of pigs.
237
00:08:42,756 --> 00:08:45,492
And then in here, blank pages.
238
00:08:45,525 --> 00:08:48,395
"Pig equals cell phone."
239
00:08:48,428 --> 00:08:50,263
That's written...
over and over again.
240
00:08:50,297 --> 00:08:53,000
This is also
"pig equals cell phone,"
241
00:08:53,033 --> 00:08:54,401
a little more
emphatically.
242
00:08:54,434 --> 00:08:56,036
There's lots
of pages of that.
243
00:08:56,069 --> 00:08:58,706
And then, well, that's just
a picture of a cell phone.
244
00:08:58,739 --> 00:09:01,842
-Damn, she got us.
-She played us, Tim.
245
00:09:01,875 --> 00:09:03,543
And honestly, I got to tell you,
babe, she didn't even
246
00:09:03,577 --> 00:09:05,078
have to try that hard.
247
00:09:05,112 --> 00:09:06,614
I'm sorry, guys.
248
00:09:06,647 --> 00:09:08,716
It sucks to have one of
your own kids lie to you.
249
00:09:08,749 --> 00:09:10,918
-(Heather sighs)
-Uh, anyway,
250
00:09:10,951 --> 00:09:13,587
I'm off to the library
to study with Jenna.
251
00:09:13,621 --> 00:09:16,189
You know, don't wait up.
(chuckles)
252
00:09:16,223 --> 00:09:18,592
Oh. Bye, sweetie.
Have fun at the library!
253
00:09:18,626 --> 00:09:21,228
Oh, oh, oh, oh! Hold on.
254
00:09:21,261 --> 00:09:23,263
Get back here, Sam.
255
00:09:25,298 --> 00:09:28,669
Here's 30 bucks.
Buy yourself some books.
256
00:09:31,772 --> 00:09:34,474
Well, at least we still
have one kid we can trust.
257
00:09:34,507 --> 00:09:35,909
-Right.
-(door closes)
258
00:09:35,943 --> 00:09:37,945
Mm. What are we gonna do
about Sophia?
259
00:09:37,978 --> 00:09:40,280
Well, I think we're just gonna
have to give her what she wants.
260
00:09:42,582 --> 00:09:45,552
Oh. Hey, honey.
261
00:09:45,585 --> 00:09:48,255
-Hi.
-Listen, your dad is home,
262
00:09:48,288 --> 00:09:51,825
and he has something that is
going to make you very happy.
263
00:09:51,859 --> 00:09:54,327
Wait. Seriously?
My own cell phone?
264
00:09:54,361 --> 00:09:57,264
Oh, no, no, no. Way better
than that, right, Tim?
265
00:09:57,297 --> 00:09:59,466
Yup! Here he is.
266
00:09:59,499 --> 00:10:01,001
(soft snorting)
267
00:10:01,034 --> 00:10:02,936
What the heck is that?
268
00:10:02,970 --> 00:10:06,573
Well, this is a promise.
Sophia, meet Kevin.
269
00:10:06,606 --> 00:10:08,608
-(low growling)
-Oh.
270
00:10:08,642 --> 00:10:10,143
Oh, is there a problem?
271
00:10:10,177 --> 00:10:11,845
Yeah, you wanted
a pig, right?
272
00:10:11,879 --> 00:10:15,282
I did. I do. I-I just wanted
the little teacup pig,
273
00:10:15,315 --> 00:10:17,317
you know,
that small one from the farm.
274
00:10:17,350 --> 00:10:19,019
Oh, no. I know.
No, this is him!
275
00:10:19,052 --> 00:10:20,520
Yeah, he grew up.
276
00:10:20,553 --> 00:10:22,589
He's gonna be 200 pounds
before you know it.
277
00:10:22,622 --> 00:10:24,324
That's how much I weigh.
278
00:10:27,227 --> 00:10:29,296
Did you see the look
on her face?
279
00:10:29,329 --> 00:10:31,699
That was some solid parenting.
280
00:10:31,732 --> 00:10:33,934
-Yeah, that'll teach
her to play a player.
-Yeah.
281
00:10:33,967 --> 00:10:37,370
-(laughs)
-(soft snorting)
282
00:10:37,404 --> 00:10:39,873
Hang on. What?
283
00:10:39,907 --> 00:10:41,641
Oh, honey, no.
Don't touch a thing.
284
00:10:41,675 --> 00:10:44,644
It's Sophia's pig.
This is all her responsibility.
285
00:10:46,046 --> 00:10:48,015
Boy, I'd hate to be
Sophia tomorrow.
286
00:10:48,048 --> 00:10:50,217
-(chuckles) You're okay.
-I'm good.
287
00:10:59,026 --> 00:11:00,360
Tim?
288
00:11:00,393 --> 00:11:01,661
Oh. Yes.
289
00:11:01,695 --> 00:11:03,831
-Can I talk to you?
-Sure.
290
00:11:03,864 --> 00:11:05,966
So...
291
00:11:05,999 --> 00:11:09,036
okay, if Heather were having
a problem with her...
292
00:11:09,069 --> 00:11:11,171
testicles,
293
00:11:11,204 --> 00:11:12,973
would you go to
her dad about it?
294
00:11:13,006 --> 00:11:14,742
Do you mean ovaries?
295
00:11:14,775 --> 00:11:17,310
'Cause then I'd go to her mom.
296
00:11:17,344 --> 00:11:19,146
(laughs)
No. Right, of course.
297
00:11:19,179 --> 00:11:21,514
But, no, what if
they were balls?
298
00:11:21,548 --> 00:11:23,050
Heather's balls?
299
00:11:23,083 --> 00:11:25,986
Yeah, now you're getting it.
So, would you go to John
300
00:11:26,019 --> 00:11:28,822
if Heather's balls
felt a little funky?
301
00:11:28,856 --> 00:11:30,824
Yes?
302
00:11:30,858 --> 00:11:33,026
Good, 'cause Tyler's got
a lump on one of his balls.
303
00:11:33,060 --> 00:11:35,996
My big boy's balls?
Oh, no.
304
00:11:36,029 --> 00:11:38,565
Yeah, I'm worried, but he
won't do anything about it.
305
00:11:38,598 --> 00:11:39,733
All right, I'll talk to him.
306
00:11:39,767 --> 00:11:41,769
Thank you.
It's the left one.
307
00:11:42,736 --> 00:11:45,305
-His left.
-Right.
308
00:11:46,740 --> 00:11:49,242
-(knocking)
-TIM: Hey, bud.
309
00:11:49,276 --> 00:11:51,044
Cool if I hang?
310
00:11:51,078 --> 00:11:52,780
Oh.
311
00:11:52,813 --> 00:11:54,848
Beanbag chair, right?
312
00:11:54,882 --> 00:11:56,516
Nature's lumpy mass.
313
00:11:56,549 --> 00:11:58,585
(chuckles, sighs)
314
00:11:58,618 --> 00:12:01,188
-Those words don't
make sense together.
-Just saying.
315
00:12:01,221 --> 00:12:05,092
I don't care how many lumps
I find in my bean sack.
316
00:12:05,125 --> 00:12:06,526
(chuckles)
317
00:12:06,559 --> 00:12:08,195
So Clementine told you?
318
00:12:08,228 --> 00:12:10,430
Yeah. In the weirdest
way possible.
319
00:12:10,463 --> 00:12:11,865
It'll probably just go away,
320
00:12:11,899 --> 00:12:13,433
like when
my black toenail fell off
321
00:12:13,466 --> 00:12:15,202
and there was another one
underneath.
322
00:12:15,235 --> 00:12:17,270
I know you're scared,
and you obviously know nothing
323
00:12:17,304 --> 00:12:18,772
about the human body, but that's
324
00:12:18,806 --> 00:12:21,208
why you're lucky you
got an old man like me,
325
00:12:21,241 --> 00:12:23,877
who's... a doctor, knows
everything about the body.
326
00:12:23,911 --> 00:12:25,979
-Do you need help?
-No. No. I'm good.
327
00:12:26,013 --> 00:12:28,415
Oh!
(sucks in through teeth)
328
00:12:28,448 --> 00:12:31,284
Aah. That was bone
on wood. (chuckles)
329
00:12:31,318 --> 00:12:33,653
Look, why don't
you just...
330
00:12:33,686 --> 00:12:37,490
let Doctor Dad take a look
at it and flop it out?
331
00:12:37,524 --> 00:12:39,326
That is never going to happen.
332
00:12:39,359 --> 00:12:41,261
You're uncomfortable,
I see that.
333
00:12:41,294 --> 00:12:44,264
Would it help if I
showed you mine first?
334
00:12:44,297 --> 00:12:47,000
-(unzipping)
-How about I just go see a
doctor who's not my father?
335
00:12:47,034 --> 00:12:51,138
Attaboy. You show
those balls who's boss.
336
00:12:52,205 --> 00:12:54,241
So, Tyler, big guy,
337
00:12:54,274 --> 00:12:58,145
how's, uh, your... potatoes?
338
00:12:58,178 --> 00:12:59,913
Dad, they are fine.
339
00:12:59,947 --> 00:13:01,514
What are you guys talking about?
340
00:13:01,548 --> 00:13:03,917
Mm. It's definitely
not potatoes.
341
00:13:03,951 --> 00:13:06,119
Tyler has a lump on one
of his testicles.
342
00:13:06,153 --> 00:13:08,021
-(coughs)
-(groans)
-Clem!
343
00:13:08,055 --> 00:13:10,790
What? Why didn't you tell me?
344
00:13:10,824 --> 00:13:12,960
Because it's private.
345
00:13:12,993 --> 00:13:14,594
Now, tell everyone
what the doctor said.
346
00:13:14,627 --> 00:13:18,031
I don't know, he-he-he-
he put it under a microscope
347
00:13:18,065 --> 00:13:19,266
and said that everything
was good.
348
00:13:19,299 --> 00:13:21,301
That's not how that exam goes.
349
00:13:21,334 --> 00:13:24,537
Well, he-he smushed them in that
machine, and he took a picture.
350
00:13:24,571 --> 00:13:25,973
That's a mammogram.
351
00:13:26,006 --> 00:13:27,274
I can't believe you didn't go.
352
00:13:27,307 --> 00:13:28,541
I can't believe
we're talking about this
353
00:13:28,575 --> 00:13:29,843
at the dinner table.
354
00:13:29,877 --> 00:13:31,378
You need to get yourself
to a doctor.
355
00:13:31,411 --> 00:13:33,480
You're not a little kid anymore.
Heather, stop cutting his meat!
356
00:13:33,513 --> 00:13:35,048
I don't want him to choke.
357
00:13:35,082 --> 00:13:37,885
Well, we both need to stop
treating him like a little kid.
358
00:13:37,918 --> 00:13:40,687
He's a grown-up, and he needs
to take care of himself.
359
00:13:40,720 --> 00:13:42,622
Okay, if we stop talking
about this right now,
360
00:13:42,655 --> 00:13:45,558
I will go to the doctor,
like an adult.
361
00:13:45,592 --> 00:13:47,627
("Old MacDonald Had a Farm"
playing)
362
00:13:47,660 --> 00:13:51,231
Look, guys, I know it feels like
it's really hard right now,
363
00:13:51,264 --> 00:13:52,732
but you're going to
look back on kindergarten
364
00:13:52,765 --> 00:13:54,467
as the best year of your life.
365
00:13:54,501 --> 00:13:56,469
...quack, quack, here
and a quack, quack there...
366
00:13:56,503 --> 00:13:57,804
Trust me.
367
00:13:57,837 --> 00:13:59,772
Okay, skivvies down.
368
00:14:01,909 --> 00:14:04,577
Now, remember, only your doctor
or your parents
369
00:14:04,611 --> 00:14:06,346
should touch you
in the bathing suit area.
370
00:14:06,379 --> 00:14:07,881
Or my wife.
371
00:14:07,915 --> 00:14:09,883
I don't hear that a lot
in the choo choo room.
372
00:14:11,018 --> 00:14:13,220
Okay. (grunts)
So...
373
00:14:13,253 --> 00:14:15,022
Uh, Tyler.
374
00:14:15,055 --> 00:14:16,924
You still pursuing
being an astronaut?
375
00:14:16,957 --> 00:14:18,158
Yes.
376
00:14:18,191 --> 00:14:21,929
Good, good.
377
00:14:21,962 --> 00:14:23,897
A little cold.
378
00:14:23,931 --> 00:14:27,935
Well, uh, I don't think you have
anything to worry about,
379
00:14:27,968 --> 00:14:30,570
but you know,
I usually check testicles
380
00:14:30,603 --> 00:14:32,572
when they've been
smashed on the monkey bars
381
00:14:32,605 --> 00:14:35,008
or smashed on the bike bars
or smashed with a baseball.
382
00:14:35,042 --> 00:14:37,945
-You know,
smash-related ouchies.
-Uh-huh.
383
00:14:37,978 --> 00:14:41,014
But I think it wouldn't hurt if
you were to see an adult doctor.
384
00:14:41,048 --> 00:14:43,783
Um, since that's what you are.
385
00:14:43,816 --> 00:14:46,619
So you won't be
my doctor anymore?
386
00:14:46,653 --> 00:14:48,421
Good luck, son.
Oh, and don't forget
387
00:14:48,455 --> 00:14:50,857
to stop at the treasure chest
on the way out. (chuckles)
388
00:14:50,890 --> 00:14:52,960
Thank you for everything
everything, Doctor.
389
00:14:52,993 --> 00:14:54,928
Oh, let's hold that hug
until you pull those pants up.
390
00:14:54,962 --> 00:14:56,396
Okay.
391
00:15:00,067 --> 00:15:01,468
All right, it's just a cyst,
it's harmless,
392
00:15:01,501 --> 00:15:03,303
nothing to worry about.
393
00:15:03,336 --> 00:15:06,906
-That's a relief.
I'm so glad I did this.
-Actually,
394
00:15:06,940 --> 00:15:08,908
before you get dressed, I want
to rule out one other thing.
395
00:15:08,942 --> 00:15:10,410
Okay, no problem.
396
00:15:10,443 --> 00:15:12,112
Turn around,
put your elbows on the table.
397
00:15:12,145 --> 00:15:15,315
Try not to clench.
398
00:15:15,348 --> 00:15:17,985
Why would I clench?
399
00:15:18,018 --> 00:15:21,088
-Great attitude.
-(chuckles)
400
00:15:21,121 --> 00:15:23,991
(groans):
Thank you...
401
00:15:24,024 --> 00:15:27,327
Is this a real test?
402
00:15:33,466 --> 00:15:35,302
(footsteps approaching)
403
00:15:35,335 --> 00:15:37,470
It's happened.
404
00:15:37,504 --> 00:15:39,772
I got horrible news
about my dad.
405
00:15:39,806 --> 00:15:42,175
Oh, honey, I'm so sorry.
406
00:15:42,209 --> 00:15:45,112
And he almost made it to 100.
407
00:15:45,145 --> 00:15:48,648
No, no.
My mom's leaving him.
408
00:15:48,681 --> 00:15:50,317
At the mortuary?
409
00:15:50,350 --> 00:15:52,352
No, he's not dead.
410
00:15:52,385 --> 00:15:54,854
My mom wants a divorce.
She's leaving him.
411
00:15:54,887 --> 00:15:57,857
Well, she's bedridden.
How can she leave anyone?
412
00:15:57,890 --> 00:15:59,359
You know,
I'm from a broken home now.
413
00:15:59,392 --> 00:16:00,994
I'm a latchkey kid.
414
00:16:01,028 --> 00:16:03,796
No, sweetie. That's only
if you're preadolescent.
415
00:16:03,830 --> 00:16:05,598
Aw, hell.
I got to spend Christmas
416
00:16:05,632 --> 00:16:08,968
going to two separate
nursing homes?
417
00:16:13,573 --> 00:16:16,443
I don't know what you're making,
but it better be pureed.
418
00:16:16,476 --> 00:16:18,678
My parents are coming
for dinner tonight.
419
00:16:18,711 --> 00:16:20,813
What are you up to?
420
00:16:20,847 --> 00:16:22,815
Well, my parents, uh,
they need a reminder
421
00:16:22,849 --> 00:16:26,119
of why they fell in love,
so tonight I'm playing Cupid.
422
00:16:26,153 --> 00:16:28,955
Uh, do you remember when
you built that wooden menorah
423
00:16:28,988 --> 00:16:31,658
-for your friend Shlomo?
-(chuckles): Yeah.
424
00:16:31,691 --> 00:16:35,328
Yeah, right. And he stayed
with us for two months
425
00:16:35,362 --> 00:16:37,830
while they rebuilt
his house after the fire?
426
00:16:37,864 --> 00:16:39,466
Yeah. Mm.
427
00:16:39,499 --> 00:16:42,169
That was a better idea
than this.
428
00:16:44,737 --> 00:16:48,075
Oh! Maybe we should
do this one at a time.
429
00:16:48,108 --> 00:16:50,677
Well, they're lovebirds.
They want to be together.
430
00:16:50,710 --> 00:16:52,545
You're hurting me!
431
00:16:52,579 --> 00:16:54,481
-Oh!
-(laughs)
432
00:16:54,514 --> 00:16:56,516
See? They just get each other.
433
00:16:59,052 --> 00:17:01,088
(exhales sharply)
434
00:17:01,121 --> 00:17:04,491
Take as much time as you need.
435
00:17:04,524 --> 00:17:06,693
Oh, shut up.
436
00:17:06,726 --> 00:17:08,095
Hey, wow.
(chuckles)
437
00:17:08,128 --> 00:17:10,730
Mom, Dad, um, I've got an idea.
438
00:17:10,763 --> 00:17:12,865
Tell us how you first met.
439
00:17:12,899 --> 00:17:16,269
We were set up by
her friend Vivian.
440
00:17:16,303 --> 00:17:18,905
She was buxom.
441
00:17:18,938 --> 00:17:20,973
And a communist.
442
00:17:22,041 --> 00:17:23,176
Ha.
443
00:17:23,210 --> 00:17:24,577
-Honey...
-What?
444
00:17:24,611 --> 00:17:27,180
...would you help me
grind the steak, please?
445
00:17:27,214 --> 00:17:29,916
She was a socialist.
446
00:17:29,949 --> 00:17:31,784
I think it's so good
447
00:17:31,818 --> 00:17:34,221
that you're trying to save
your parents' marriage.
448
00:17:34,254 --> 00:17:37,390
But they really don't have
anything in common anymore.
449
00:17:37,424 --> 00:17:39,459
Joanie, what dinner are you at?
450
00:17:39,492 --> 00:17:42,862
You know, that stuff about
Vivian the buxom communist--
451
00:17:42,895 --> 00:17:44,397
it's electric.
452
00:17:44,431 --> 00:17:46,399
We've been sitting there
for over an hour
453
00:17:46,433 --> 00:17:48,401
and they've barely said
a word to each other.
454
00:17:48,435 --> 00:17:50,069
They're agreeing on everything.
455
00:17:50,103 --> 00:17:52,705
Don't you understand, Joanie?
If they get divorced,
456
00:17:52,739 --> 00:17:54,307
it changes everything.
457
00:17:54,341 --> 00:17:56,143
All my memories are lies.
458
00:17:56,176 --> 00:17:59,746
The birthdays, the holidays,
it's... they're all gone.
459
00:17:59,779 --> 00:18:00,913
No, honey.
460
00:18:00,947 --> 00:18:03,150
I remember when
Martin Luther King was shot,
461
00:18:03,183 --> 00:18:06,386
and-and I was devastated,
and they took me to the movies
462
00:18:06,419 --> 00:18:08,921
and they gave me popcorn,
and for two hours,
463
00:18:08,955 --> 00:18:12,792
everything was normal,
everything was okay.
464
00:18:12,825 --> 00:18:15,094
No, we watched that on Mad Men.
465
00:18:15,128 --> 00:18:18,365
Do you have to crap
on all my memories, Joanie?
466
00:18:21,000 --> 00:18:24,771
Oh, wow. And here's us
camping in the Sierras.
467
00:18:24,804 --> 00:18:28,308
Huh? Hey, Dad,
doesn't Mom look beautiful?
468
00:18:28,341 --> 00:18:30,277
She looks like Moe Howard.
469
00:18:30,310 --> 00:18:32,912
Well, a-a sexy Moe Howard, huh?
470
00:18:32,945 --> 00:18:36,483
Uh, and doesn't Dad
look handsome?
471
00:18:36,516 --> 00:18:38,418
He was a bad lover.
472
00:18:38,451 --> 00:18:41,288
It's hard to get tight in
the undies with Moe Howard.
473
00:18:41,321 --> 00:18:42,522
(scoffs)
474
00:18:42,555 --> 00:18:45,158
Okay, enough.
475
00:18:45,192 --> 00:18:48,628
I don't understand why you're
acting like you hate each other.
476
00:18:48,661 --> 00:18:50,463
Huh? You've...
You guys have had
477
00:18:50,497 --> 00:18:52,765
a beautiful marriage
for 70 years.
478
00:18:52,799 --> 00:18:55,435
Why throw it away now?
479
00:18:55,468 --> 00:18:57,003
We've always hated each other.
480
00:18:57,036 --> 00:18:59,439
We only stayed together for you.
481
00:18:59,472 --> 00:19:00,873
What?
482
00:19:00,907 --> 00:19:02,709
But you are so healthy,
483
00:19:02,742 --> 00:19:05,111
we realize we're not
gonna outlive you.
484
00:19:05,144 --> 00:19:08,681
The plan was to stay together
until I died?
485
00:19:08,715 --> 00:19:11,050
You were a fighter pilot.
486
00:19:11,083 --> 00:19:13,286
We just assumed.
487
00:19:13,320 --> 00:19:16,889
So you were disappointed
when I came home alive?
488
00:19:16,923 --> 00:19:20,493
(both mumbling)
489
00:19:20,527 --> 00:19:22,462
Look, I-I just don't understand.
490
00:19:22,495 --> 00:19:26,633
I mean, you guys are
in your 90s, why split up now?
491
00:19:26,666 --> 00:19:28,235
I want to play the field.
492
00:19:29,101 --> 00:19:31,971
I think I might be into guys.
493
00:19:32,004 --> 00:19:34,006
Huh.
494
00:19:37,710 --> 00:19:40,247
So I need to give up the fight
to keep them together.
495
00:19:40,280 --> 00:19:43,716
Yeah. My only regret is you
didn't try and stop me sooner.
496
00:19:43,750 --> 00:19:46,886
Yes. I-I regret that, too.
497
00:19:46,919 --> 00:19:49,522
Mm-hmm. It's a sad day for me,
but I'm gonna tell them
498
00:19:49,556 --> 00:19:53,760
that I'm gonna handle
all the details of the divorce.
499
00:19:57,864 --> 00:20:00,367
Dad, is Mom okay?
500
00:20:01,934 --> 00:20:03,436
No, I think she died.
501
00:20:03,470 --> 00:20:05,605
Oh.
502
00:20:05,638 --> 00:20:08,608
Oh, no.
503
00:20:08,641 --> 00:20:09,942
-Oh, son.
-Hmm?
504
00:20:09,976 --> 00:20:12,545
Could you help me install Grindr
on my smartphone?
505
00:20:16,148 --> 00:20:18,117
JOAN:
Thank you so much.
506
00:20:18,150 --> 00:20:20,186
Bye-bye.
507
00:20:20,219 --> 00:20:22,789
All right, sweetie.
We're all set.
508
00:20:22,822 --> 00:20:26,125
I think it's gonna be
a very nice service.
509
00:20:26,158 --> 00:20:27,560
(chuckles)
510
00:20:27,594 --> 00:20:29,429
What?
511
00:20:29,462 --> 00:20:31,264
Oh, they made it, Joanie.
512
00:20:31,298 --> 00:20:33,900
70 loving years of marriage.
513
00:20:36,436 --> 00:20:38,905
(chuckles)
514
00:20:38,938 --> 00:20:40,907
(exhales)
515
00:20:40,940 --> 00:20:42,309
Ah.
516
00:21:06,132 --> 00:21:08,100
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
37618