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1
00:00:04,750 --> 00:00:06,888
_
2
00:00:07,007 --> 00:00:09,490
Edna, it is great to see you.
3
00:00:09,576 --> 00:00:12,210
This is crazy, I mean,
you clean my mom's house
4
00:00:12,245 --> 00:00:14,963
and now you're gonna clean
this house. (CHUCKLES)
5
00:00:15,048 --> 00:00:17,409
You really took us
on a ride there, Greg.
6
00:00:17,434 --> 00:00:18,600
Yeah, well, I'm excited.
7
00:00:18,625 --> 00:00:20,708
- I mean, she-she watched me grow up.
- Mm-hmm.
8
00:00:20,921 --> 00:00:23,360
Your kids masturbating into socks yet?
9
00:00:23,385 --> 00:00:25,089
Oh. (LAUGHS)
10
00:00:25,114 --> 00:00:27,250
That-that, that
w-wasn't me, that was,
11
00:00:27,275 --> 00:00:29,394
that was Matthew or possibly Heather.
12
00:00:29,711 --> 00:00:32,023
Uh, any other questions,
13
00:00:32,048 --> 00:00:35,160
you know, about, uh, the
house or our expectations?
14
00:00:35,185 --> 00:00:36,434
Nope.
15
00:00:36,519 --> 00:00:39,552
See? She's easygoing,
she is low-maintenance,
16
00:00:39,577 --> 00:00:41,950
she is Edna.
17
00:00:42,000 --> 00:00:44,019
Well, listen, we're so
glad you're available.
18
00:00:44,044 --> 00:00:45,543
Managing two kids and two careers,
19
00:00:45,568 --> 00:00:46,970
this place is always a wreck.
20
00:00:47,005 --> 00:00:50,006
Yeah, and if you can keep
this house as crisp and sharp
21
00:00:50,092 --> 00:00:52,425
as the creases you iron
into my dad's jeans,
22
00:00:52,450 --> 00:00:55,137
- pfft... we'll be in business a long time.
- Great.
23
00:00:55,162 --> 00:00:56,930
What time do you want
me to be here tomorrow?
24
00:00:57,015 --> 00:00:58,265
Nothing's too early.
25
00:00:58,290 --> 00:01:00,183
You just tell us when
to have our robes on.
26
00:01:00,269 --> 00:01:03,488
Or in Greg's case, his sock off.
27
00:01:06,859 --> 00:01:08,191
Edna?
28
00:01:08,216 --> 00:01:09,465
We're home.
29
00:01:09,578 --> 00:01:12,412
Ooh, I can smell the floor polish.
30
00:01:12,497 --> 00:01:15,621
Yeah, I spilled some
on the couch, sorry.
31
00:01:15,646 --> 00:01:17,832
It's wet now, but it'll dry hard.
32
00:01:17,857 --> 00:01:20,086
Well, there goes our
movie night. (CHUCKLING)
33
00:01:20,172 --> 00:01:22,672
Oh, I can't stay, anyway, and honestly
34
00:01:22,708 --> 00:01:24,674
I can't stand the smell.
35
00:01:24,699 --> 00:01:26,938
- See you next week.
- GREG: Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
36
00:01:26,962 --> 00:01:28,791
What do you think you're doing?
37
00:01:28,816 --> 00:01:30,024
- Come on, bring it on in.
- Oh.
38
00:01:30,048 --> 00:01:31,800
- (LAUGHING)
- Ah, thank you so much, Edna.
39
00:01:31,825 --> 00:01:33,800
- You're the best.
- All right. (LAUGHS)
40
00:01:33,886 --> 00:01:35,302
There she goes... first
41
00:01:35,387 --> 00:01:38,077
valid inductee to the
Housekeeper Hall of Fame!
42
00:01:38,102 --> 00:01:39,272
(CHUCKLING)
43
00:01:39,358 --> 00:01:41,391
See? I told you. She
may have shown up late,
44
00:01:41,476 --> 00:01:42,642
but she left on time.
45
00:01:43,065 --> 00:01:44,659
God.
46
00:01:45,063 --> 00:01:47,314
Greg, the house looks no different
47
00:01:47,399 --> 00:01:49,032
than it did when we left this morning,
48
00:01:49,067 --> 00:01:50,734
aside from the stain on our couch.
49
00:01:50,819 --> 00:01:52,619
She did say that she hates dirt,
50
00:01:52,704 --> 00:01:54,431
and clearly she's been avoiding it.
51
00:01:54,456 --> 00:01:57,763
Okay, it looks like she made a
batch of cookies and ate them.
52
00:01:57,788 --> 00:01:59,551
Oh, right. She's always
had a sweet tooth.
53
00:01:59,576 --> 00:02:01,827
- It's her only vice.
- (GROANING)
54
00:02:02,685 --> 00:02:05,238
Oh, and she also drank the good Scotch.
55
00:02:05,263 --> 00:02:07,115
It's her other only vice.
56
00:02:07,563 --> 00:02:09,310
She didn't even make the bed.
57
00:02:09,335 --> 00:02:12,172
No, wait. I made the bed before we left.
58
00:02:12,257 --> 00:02:14,090
Greg, she took a nap.
59
00:02:14,176 --> 00:02:17,203
Well, let's see you drink four
fingers of Scotch and stay up.
60
00:02:17,249 --> 00:02:19,346
- Are you defending her?
- No.
61
00:02:19,431 --> 00:02:20,931
You're right, okay?
62
00:02:21,391 --> 00:02:23,364
I mean, she's got a great vibe, but
63
00:02:23,389 --> 00:02:25,672
she apparently has lost her touch.
64
00:02:29,754 --> 00:02:31,170
Hi, Joan.
65
00:02:31,195 --> 00:02:34,391
Listen, I was wondering if I
could talk to you about Edna.
66
00:02:34,416 --> 00:02:37,247
Oh, she's got a great vibe, doesn't she?
67
00:02:37,282 --> 00:02:39,916
She does, yeah, and, you know, we were
68
00:02:39,952 --> 00:02:42,619
really excited about having
a great cleaning lady.
69
00:02:42,704 --> 00:02:46,756
The thing is, at our house, it
turns out, she's just a lady,
70
00:02:46,792 --> 00:02:47,958
and not even that.
71
00:02:48,093 --> 00:02:50,010
I mean, sh-she doesn't even flush.
72
00:02:50,045 --> 00:02:53,263
Oh, well, there are some
quirks you have to work around.
73
00:02:53,298 --> 00:02:55,215
Now, where did I put the duster?
74
00:02:55,300 --> 00:02:56,913
Here it is, right in front of me.
75
00:02:56,938 --> 00:02:58,711
What are you doing?
Doesn't Edna do that?
76
00:02:58,766 --> 00:03:00,381
Oh, brilliantly.
77
00:03:00,406 --> 00:03:02,555
That's how I learned, by watching her,
78
00:03:02,641 --> 00:03:05,811
but she really doesn't reach
above her shoulders anymore.
79
00:03:05,836 --> 00:03:07,644
Oh. Is that, like, a health thing?
80
00:03:07,729 --> 00:03:10,063
No, no, that's an attitude thing.
81
00:03:10,367 --> 00:03:12,649
But she excels at cleaning things
82
00:03:12,734 --> 00:03:14,985
between chest and knees.
83
00:03:15,217 --> 00:03:17,537
- That's the Edna pocket.
- Hmm, yeah.
84
00:03:17,622 --> 00:03:19,372
That would make sense, 'cause our Scotch
85
00:03:19,458 --> 00:03:21,124
was in the Edna pocket.
86
00:03:21,159 --> 00:03:24,837
Oh, well, generally, if you
hide it behind something,
87
00:03:24,862 --> 00:03:26,503
she'll miss it.
88
00:03:26,528 --> 00:03:29,361
(WHISPERING): Hey, keep it
down. You're gonna wake Edna.
89
00:03:29,386 --> 00:03:31,384
What? She's here now?
90
00:03:31,470 --> 00:03:33,169
- Yeah.
- Yeah, it's her cleaning day.
91
00:03:33,255 --> 00:03:35,005
But you're the one
doing all the cleaning.
92
00:03:35,090 --> 00:03:36,639
I mean, does she do anything?
93
00:03:36,675 --> 00:03:39,092
- Well, she ironed John's jeans.
- Oh, yeah.
94
00:03:39,177 --> 00:03:40,927
Yeah. I could wear these to church.
95
00:03:41,013 --> 00:03:44,147
But right now, you know, I'm
just gonna wear 'em to the gym.
96
00:03:44,182 --> 00:03:47,400
Look at the edge on this. You
could cut a steak with them.
97
00:03:49,521 --> 00:03:50,987
GREG (SIGHS): Okay, well,
98
00:03:51,023 --> 00:03:52,522
I put both kids to bed.
99
00:03:52,607 --> 00:03:55,325
Great. And I put Edna to bed.
100
00:03:55,360 --> 00:03:57,527
On the air mattress? With her bad back?
101
00:03:57,612 --> 00:04:00,914
What? No. Greg, she's not
sleeping here. I-I fired her.
102
00:04:00,999 --> 00:04:03,033
You fired her? Wh-Why?
103
00:04:03,118 --> 00:04:05,335
Because, you said it
yourself, she's lost her touch.
104
00:04:05,370 --> 00:04:07,037
I mean, she is terrible.
105
00:04:07,122 --> 00:04:09,005
I thought she just wasn't
doing anything here.
106
00:04:09,041 --> 00:04:11,624
Turns out, she's not
doing anything anywhere.
107
00:04:11,710 --> 00:04:13,426
But she's like family.
108
00:04:13,512 --> 00:04:15,295
What if, with all of your imperfections,
109
00:04:15,380 --> 00:04:17,545
I just decided to fire you?
110
00:04:17,570 --> 00:04:19,099
Yeah, that-that-that
came out wrong.
111
00:04:19,184 --> 00:04:23,136
I'm just saying, she's more than
just a cleaning person to us.
112
00:04:23,221 --> 00:04:26,391
Greg, we don't need more
than a cleaning person.
113
00:04:26,416 --> 00:04:29,859
- We need a cleaning person.
- (SIGHS)
114
00:04:29,895 --> 00:04:32,578
JOAN: Jen, how could you fire Edna?
115
00:04:32,603 --> 00:04:34,174
She's family.
116
00:04:34,199 --> 00:04:36,877
- She's despondent. She can't clean.
- Yeah.
117
00:04:36,902 --> 00:04:38,401
She doesn't clean, though.
118
00:04:38,487 --> 00:04:39,953
That is the problem.
119
00:04:40,038 --> 00:04:41,321
This is terrible.
120
00:04:41,406 --> 00:04:43,373
She didn't touch the
dinner I made for her.
121
00:04:43,408 --> 00:04:45,075
- GREG (GASPS): It's that bad?
- Yeah.
122
00:04:45,100 --> 00:04:46,326
What are we gonna do?
123
00:04:46,351 --> 00:04:48,628
I mean, we should
throw her a Scotch party
124
00:04:48,713 --> 00:04:50,163
to get her out of her depression.
125
00:04:50,248 --> 00:04:52,633
Nope. Wrong direction. Not doing that.
126
00:04:52,658 --> 00:04:53,895
What does this woman have over you?
127
00:04:53,919 --> 00:04:56,169
I mean, I know she's got
the sock thing with Greg.
128
00:04:56,254 --> 00:04:58,088
Sock thing? (SCOFFS)
129
00:04:58,173 --> 00:05:00,423
I have no idea what
you're talking about.
130
00:05:00,509 --> 00:05:02,957
Oh, she's talking about you using socks
131
00:05:02,982 --> 00:05:04,865
- to explore your body.
- Yeah.
132
00:05:04,890 --> 00:05:06,930
- You-you knew about that?
- No.
133
00:05:07,015 --> 00:05:09,475
Jen, you are a good mother.
134
00:05:09,500 --> 00:05:11,250
You work very hard.
135
00:05:11,275 --> 00:05:13,408
You deserve a clean house.
136
00:05:14,247 --> 00:05:16,406
And I will take care of Edna.
137
00:05:17,377 --> 00:05:18,942
Thank you.
138
00:05:19,767 --> 00:05:20,735
Hi.
139
00:05:20,760 --> 00:05:22,330
GREG: Hey, babe.
140
00:05:23,674 --> 00:05:25,696
Place is looking pretty good, huh?
141
00:05:25,721 --> 00:05:26,721
(CLICKS TONGUE)
142
00:05:26,746 --> 00:05:29,506
What? This is how you took care of Edna?
143
00:05:29,531 --> 00:05:32,291
Shh, shh, shh, she's asleep.
144
00:05:33,971 --> 00:05:35,963
Is she wearing my sweatpants?
145
00:05:36,416 --> 00:05:37,684
Yeah.
146
00:05:37,824 --> 00:05:39,707
But she ironed 'em first.
147
00:05:41,882 --> 00:05:43,610
_
148
00:05:44,054 --> 00:05:46,219
I was just watching Antiques Roadshow,
149
00:05:46,304 --> 00:05:48,688
and the most exciting thing happened.
150
00:05:48,773 --> 00:05:50,273
Someone found out their old junk
151
00:05:50,308 --> 00:05:52,225
was worth slightly
more than they thought?
152
00:05:52,310 --> 00:05:54,227
No! Well, yes.
153
00:05:54,312 --> 00:05:55,501
But the point is,
154
00:05:55,526 --> 00:05:59,173
guy was showing off one of
those floaty pens, you know?
155
00:05:59,198 --> 00:06:00,792
The ones that I used to bring you
156
00:06:00,817 --> 00:06:02,462
from all those flights I logged.
157
00:06:02,487 --> 00:06:04,465
The only things I ever
remember you bringing us home
158
00:06:04,489 --> 00:06:06,217
from your trips were
exotic strains of the flu.
159
00:06:06,241 --> 00:06:07,746
No, the floaty pens.
160
00:06:07,771 --> 00:06:11,052
The one you-you tipped over,
and the girl's top slid off.
161
00:06:11,077 --> 00:06:13,163
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
That's right, I remember.
162
00:06:13,248 --> 00:06:17,050
It's the gift every girl dreams
of getting from her father.
163
00:06:17,135 --> 00:06:19,836
Well, now they're actually
worth a lot of money.
164
00:06:19,921 --> 00:06:21,254
So, go get yours.
165
00:06:21,339 --> 00:06:23,089
I want to display them.
166
00:06:23,175 --> 00:06:25,058
Oh, I have no idea where mine are.
167
00:06:25,143 --> 00:06:29,012
Yeah, and I gave mine to
Matt, so, good going, Matt.
168
00:06:29,097 --> 00:06:31,181
Dad, why do you think
that we would keep track
169
00:06:31,206 --> 00:06:32,815
of airport gift shop pens?
170
00:06:32,851 --> 00:06:36,186
Oh, I get it. I should've
given you collector's knives
171
00:06:36,271 --> 00:06:39,239
so you could have driven
them right into my heart.
172
00:06:41,516 --> 00:06:43,961
They used to sell collector's
knives in the airport?
173
00:06:44,759 --> 00:06:45,840
Huh.
174
00:06:47,616 --> 00:06:50,608
I told Jen, as long as Edna
gets six hours of sleep at night
175
00:06:50,633 --> 00:06:53,119
and a solid eight during
the day, she'll be fine.
176
00:06:53,205 --> 00:06:55,922
Oh, my kids. I need to talk to you.
177
00:06:56,007 --> 00:06:59,352
Your father is very
upset about those pens,
178
00:06:59,377 --> 00:07:02,805
and guess who gets to bear
the burden of that load.
179
00:07:02,830 --> 00:07:04,806
Thank you very much.
180
00:07:04,831 --> 00:07:06,498
- Mom, seriously?
- Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
181
00:07:06,523 --> 00:07:08,217
I mean, why does Dad care so much
182
00:07:08,242 --> 00:07:11,638
about those cheap, trashy
pens that objectified women?
183
00:07:11,723 --> 00:07:13,356
Honey, it was a different time.
184
00:07:13,391 --> 00:07:15,642
A worse time, but still.
185
00:07:15,727 --> 00:07:18,061
Mom, Dad is totally
overreacting to all of this.
186
00:07:18,146 --> 00:07:21,281
He sent us all nasty e-mails
questioning our paternity.
187
00:07:21,589 --> 00:07:24,033
- What?
- I didn't get an e-mail.
188
00:07:24,776 --> 00:07:25,946
You didn't?
189
00:07:25,971 --> 00:07:27,065
No.
190
00:07:27,090 --> 00:07:29,799
You will. Sure he's just, you know,
191
00:07:29,824 --> 00:07:32,125
sending them out individually.
192
00:07:32,210 --> 00:07:34,043
(PHONE CHIMES)
193
00:07:34,688 --> 00:07:35,889
Just got another one.
194
00:07:35,914 --> 00:07:40,288
Those pens were your dad's way
of saying that he missed you
195
00:07:40,313 --> 00:07:41,883
and he loved you.
196
00:07:41,908 --> 00:07:45,735
Because saying that out
loud makes him feel "weird."
197
00:07:46,079 --> 00:07:47,640
- Well, now I feel terrible.
- Yeah.
198
00:07:47,726 --> 00:07:50,893
Yeah. All right, guys, we got
to try and find these things.
199
00:07:50,929 --> 00:07:53,601
- Yeah, all your stuff is in the garage.
- GREG: Okay.
200
00:07:56,054 --> 00:07:57,232
HEATHER: Oh!
201
00:07:57,257 --> 00:07:58,735
My books! (GASPS)
202
00:07:58,770 --> 00:08:01,679
I used to love to read.
203
00:08:01,961 --> 00:08:05,295
Do you remember when I was
gonna be a Supreme Court justice?
204
00:08:05,320 --> 00:08:07,115
I don't know what happened.
205
00:08:07,529 --> 00:08:08,717
Oh!
206
00:08:08,742 --> 00:08:10,280
My old bongs! Mm!
207
00:08:10,365 --> 00:08:12,855
Aw, sweet! My 'nocs!
208
00:08:12,880 --> 00:08:14,254
(LAUGHS): Oh, man!
209
00:08:14,279 --> 00:08:17,420
I used to peep the illest
birds with these bad boys.
210
00:08:17,455 --> 00:08:18,615
HEATHER: Yeah, you told us
211
00:08:18,640 --> 00:08:21,568
you used to use those to watch
Melanie Weber take showers.
212
00:08:21,593 --> 00:08:23,273
I just wanted you guys
to think I was cool.
213
00:08:23,593 --> 00:08:25,355
That's not what it made us think.
214
00:08:25,380 --> 00:08:27,351
So, this is the last box.
215
00:08:27,421 --> 00:08:31,301
That makes four "Heathers,"
six "Gregs," and zero "Matts."
216
00:08:31,408 --> 00:08:34,046
Always nice to take a trip
down memory lane in this family.
217
00:08:34,296 --> 00:08:35,638
Okay, well, two things are clear.
218
00:08:35,724 --> 00:08:38,039
Our parents kept nothing of Matthew's,
219
00:08:38,064 --> 00:08:40,264
and the nudie pens aren't here.
220
00:08:41,492 --> 00:08:43,332
HEATHER: Ooh! I found the pens.
221
00:08:43,357 --> 00:08:45,107
Oh, word? Where?
222
00:08:45,132 --> 00:08:49,462
On eBay, next to some very
sexually explicit candles.
223
00:08:49,487 --> 00:08:52,441
(CLEARS THROAT) You don't
strap on a candle, Heather.
224
00:08:52,466 --> 00:08:53,339
Oh.
225
00:08:53,364 --> 00:08:55,408
The set of pens is 700 bucks?
226
00:08:55,493 --> 00:08:57,077
- That's ridiculous.
- MATT: Yeah, no.
227
00:08:57,102 --> 00:08:58,711
Maybe Dad'll just forget about it.
228
00:08:58,797 --> 00:09:01,038
Ooh. I just got an
e-mail from Dad right now.
229
00:09:01,063 --> 00:09:03,549
- What does it say?
- I don't know. It's a photo montage.
230
00:09:03,635 --> 00:09:06,694
- ♪ Daddy's little girl ♪
- Oh! Oh, it's a picture of me as a baby.
231
00:09:06,719 --> 00:09:08,755
- ♪ Dancing on his feet... ♪
- (PHONE CHIMES)
232
00:09:08,840 --> 00:09:10,890
Oh. Hey, he just sent me a montage, too.
233
00:09:10,975 --> 00:09:14,394
Oh, no, no. It's just a picture
of a man holding me as a baby,
234
00:09:14,479 --> 00:09:16,813
but his face is a question mark.
235
00:09:16,848 --> 00:09:17,930
(CHUCKLES)
236
00:09:18,158 --> 00:09:20,683
He really did come to my softball game.
237
00:09:20,708 --> 00:09:22,408
Yeah, can you just,
like, pause this, Heather?
238
00:09:22,432 --> 00:09:24,570
Okay, you know what? We
are gonna buy these pens,
239
00:09:24,656 --> 00:09:26,105
because we owe it to Dad.
240
00:09:26,191 --> 00:09:28,491
Oh, hey, did anybody check this box?
241
00:09:31,830 --> 00:09:33,112
What?
242
00:09:33,198 --> 00:09:34,697
"Joan's Party Supplies."
243
00:09:34,783 --> 00:09:35,948
Oh.
244
00:09:36,034 --> 00:09:37,450
Oh.
245
00:09:37,535 --> 00:09:40,208
So, Mom has a set of those candles.
246
00:09:40,233 --> 00:09:41,649
- Hmm.
- (GROANS)
247
00:09:46,696 --> 00:09:48,845
Hey, Dad, great news! We found the pens!
248
00:09:48,880 --> 00:09:50,847
Yeah, it-it turns out we did keep them
249
00:09:50,882 --> 00:09:53,247
because, you know, we love you so much.
250
00:09:53,272 --> 00:09:55,881
Great. Let's see 'em.
251
00:09:56,959 --> 00:09:58,532
- They're getting cleaned right now.
- Yeah.
252
00:09:58,556 --> 00:10:02,125
But they should be here in
three to seven business days.
253
00:10:02,150 --> 00:10:04,564
- Meh.
- Or... even sooner.
254
00:10:04,891 --> 00:10:06,320
Hmm?
255
00:10:07,820 --> 00:10:09,565
You're the seller?
256
00:10:09,651 --> 00:10:11,983
We just bought the pens
back from our own father.
257
00:10:12,008 --> 00:10:13,046
Yep.
258
00:10:13,071 --> 00:10:16,155
You outbid some...
pretty eager perverts.
259
00:10:16,241 --> 00:10:17,407
Where did you find them?
260
00:10:17,492 --> 00:10:20,209
Perverts? They're all over the Internet.
261
00:10:20,245 --> 00:10:22,995
No, Dad, the pens. Where
did you find the pens?
262
00:10:23,081 --> 00:10:25,498
Oh, in Matt's box, in the garage.
263
00:10:25,583 --> 00:10:28,217
You guys did keep some
of my stuff? You...
264
00:10:30,409 --> 00:10:31,791
That's mine.
265
00:10:32,135 --> 00:10:33,362
You guys are great.
266
00:10:33,387 --> 00:10:34,768
Oh, Dad, thank you.
267
00:10:34,793 --> 00:10:37,760
And since you know how much we love you,
268
00:10:37,846 --> 00:10:39,479
maybe you could give us our money back.
269
00:10:40,259 --> 00:10:42,110
Take it up with eBay.
270
00:10:46,946 --> 00:10:48,899
_
271
00:10:49,399 --> 00:10:52,665
Well, John, thank you so
much for watching Lucas.
272
00:10:52,777 --> 00:10:54,743
Oh, no problem.
273
00:10:54,829 --> 00:10:57,813
No, I-I read his fairy
tale book to him ten times.
274
00:10:57,838 --> 00:11:00,477
- Aw.
- I told him he was getting addicted.
275
00:11:00,502 --> 00:11:03,926
Well, that led into this
long talk about addiction.
276
00:11:03,951 --> 00:11:06,622
I never want to fall off a wagon.
277
00:11:06,707 --> 00:11:09,213
- Mm. Oh. Aw.
- Aw.
278
00:11:09,465 --> 00:11:11,765
Aw, you're leaving already?
279
00:11:11,790 --> 00:11:13,423
Can I have a hug?
280
00:11:14,394 --> 00:11:16,015
Lucas, go hug Mom-Mom.
281
00:11:16,050 --> 00:11:17,383
No, don't force him.
282
00:11:17,468 --> 00:11:19,101
Force him? He can't wait.
283
00:11:19,186 --> 00:11:20,769
(STRAINING)
284
00:11:20,855 --> 00:11:22,221
Please don't make me!
285
00:11:22,306 --> 00:11:24,723
Lucas. L-Lucas?
286
00:11:24,809 --> 00:11:27,276
Oh, he's just shy.
287
00:11:27,361 --> 00:11:31,025
Shy? We didn't run
into one person at lunch
288
00:11:31,050 --> 00:11:32,364
he didn't try to hug.
289
00:11:33,152 --> 00:11:35,401
Okay, thanks for getting it. Bye.
290
00:11:35,486 --> 00:11:37,093
Bye-bye, sweetie.
291
00:11:37,118 --> 00:11:41,446
Aw. Don't feel bad, Joanie.
I'm sure Lucas loves you.
292
00:11:41,688 --> 00:11:44,470
Well, uh, mm, you know, not real sure,
293
00:11:44,495 --> 00:11:47,629
but, uh, he doesn't talk crap about you.
294
00:11:51,210 --> 00:11:53,677
Oh, mercy, mercy, merc...
295
00:11:53,712 --> 00:11:54,795
Oh, kids!
296
00:11:54,880 --> 00:11:57,765
If you should happen to run across a box
297
00:11:57,800 --> 00:12:00,551
that's marked "Joan's Party Supplies,"
298
00:12:00,783 --> 00:12:03,667
for your continued mental stability,
299
00:12:04,087 --> 00:12:05,612
don't open it.
300
00:12:07,175 --> 00:12:08,369
Sure thing, Ma.
301
00:12:09,426 --> 00:12:11,204
Yeah, yeah.
302
00:12:11,915 --> 00:12:13,498
Lucas?
303
00:12:13,778 --> 00:12:14,827
Hi.
304
00:12:16,007 --> 00:12:19,392
Um, w-would you like to
help me make some brownies?
305
00:12:20,132 --> 00:12:21,464
Want to play Go Fish?
306
00:12:22,158 --> 00:12:23,490
Legos?
307
00:12:23,515 --> 00:12:25,553
Finger paints? Coloring book?
308
00:12:25,578 --> 00:12:28,412
Stickers? Trucks? Dress-up!
309
00:12:28,497 --> 00:12:31,059
Would you like to
watch Ernest go to camp?
310
00:12:31,084 --> 00:12:33,264
I have it on VHS.
311
00:12:33,289 --> 00:12:36,444
I know, because it's been
stuck in there for years.
312
00:12:36,483 --> 00:12:39,201
Okay. See you later.
313
00:12:45,261 --> 00:12:46,927
What's going on?
314
00:12:46,975 --> 00:12:48,265
Are you trying to remember how
315
00:12:48,300 --> 00:12:49,967
to get back to the other room?
316
00:12:50,052 --> 00:12:54,721
No. I-I'm trying to lure Lucas
out from under the dining table.
317
00:12:54,807 --> 00:12:56,139
With my candy?
318
00:12:56,164 --> 00:12:58,025
I didn't dress up like Jack Sparrow
319
00:12:58,110 --> 00:13:00,500
at Halloween just to have you waste it.
320
00:13:00,695 --> 00:13:02,922
Honey, Colleen says he's shy,
321
00:13:02,947 --> 00:13:05,233
but I-I think it's something different.
322
00:13:05,258 --> 00:13:08,402
That's fine, but if I find
an Almond Joy on the floor,
323
00:13:08,427 --> 00:13:10,059
I'm gonna go off.
324
00:13:17,473 --> 00:13:19,046
Hi, Lucas.
325
00:13:19,131 --> 00:13:21,633
I'm so happy to see you.
326
00:13:21,954 --> 00:13:24,718
Would you like some
brownies fresh from the oven?
327
00:13:25,037 --> 00:13:26,904
No, I want to go home!
328
00:13:27,735 --> 00:13:29,651
Hey, what's going on?
329
00:13:29,766 --> 00:13:31,592
Um, could I have a word?
330
00:13:31,677 --> 00:13:33,427
Yeah. Come on, Lucas,
331
00:13:33,452 --> 00:13:35,095
let's read that book of yours again.
332
00:13:35,180 --> 00:13:37,481
See if it ends
differently this time, huh?
333
00:13:37,516 --> 00:13:39,182
Not. (CHUCKLES)
334
00:13:39,268 --> 00:13:41,435
(CHUCKLES)
335
00:13:41,520 --> 00:13:42,853
Is everything okay?
336
00:13:42,938 --> 00:13:45,105
Lucas is terrified of me.
337
00:13:45,190 --> 00:13:47,190
No, Joan, I told you, he's just shy.
338
00:13:47,276 --> 00:13:49,943
Plenty of kids are shy. I was a shy kid.
339
00:13:49,968 --> 00:13:52,029
I-I don't think it's just shyness.
340
00:13:52,114 --> 00:13:54,197
I feel it's something deeper.
341
00:13:54,606 --> 00:13:57,832
No, that's just my
therapeutic two cents.
342
00:13:57,857 --> 00:13:58,872
Well, you know what I think, Joan?
343
00:13:58,896 --> 00:14:00,707
I think if you stop
trying to impress him
344
00:14:00,732 --> 00:14:03,035
with all your yummy
treats and your fun stuff,
345
00:14:03,060 --> 00:14:05,020
that maybe he would
actually start to like you.
346
00:14:05,044 --> 00:14:07,132
See that? So you're not the only one
347
00:14:07,157 --> 00:14:10,247
who understands brain science.
348
00:14:12,968 --> 00:14:14,419
Oh, my.
349
00:14:17,271 --> 00:14:20,107
Lucas, you're just shy
around Mom-Mom, right?
350
00:14:20,192 --> 00:14:23,443
It's not, like, some
deep-seated psychological issue?
351
00:14:23,840 --> 00:14:26,363
- No.
- Exactly. You know.
352
00:14:26,398 --> 00:14:29,866
Well, I'm sorry that she is so pushy.
353
00:14:29,902 --> 00:14:33,070
I didn't let her be pushy
when we got close to the oven.
354
00:14:33,215 --> 00:14:34,348
What?
355
00:14:34,373 --> 00:14:36,239
She's the witch!
356
00:14:36,325 --> 00:14:39,296
Well, I mean, we all
have our opinions of her.
357
00:14:39,321 --> 00:14:42,245
No. She's the witch
who puts out the candy
358
00:14:42,381 --> 00:14:44,293
and tries to cook Hansel and Gretel.
359
00:14:44,318 --> 00:14:45,666
- Look.
- (GASPS)
360
00:14:45,751 --> 00:14:47,634
Oh, no.
361
00:14:47,720 --> 00:14:49,803
Wow, that looks exactly like her.
362
00:14:50,364 --> 00:14:52,138
I have to send this to Jen.
363
00:14:53,968 --> 00:14:56,426
Hi-ee. (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)
364
00:14:56,976 --> 00:14:59,012
So, I was just talking to Lucas, and...
365
00:14:59,098 --> 00:15:02,051
(CHUCKLES) Oh, my gosh, it's so funny.
366
00:15:02,076 --> 00:15:03,659
You're gonna laugh.
367
00:15:03,883 --> 00:15:06,184
Uh, but it, it was
something deeper, Joan.
368
00:15:06,209 --> 00:15:08,498
You were right. But
it's also super funny.
369
00:15:08,523 --> 00:15:10,073
- Oh, I'm glad it's funny.
- (CHUCKLES)
370
00:15:10,109 --> 00:15:12,654
Oh, I'm relieved. Okay,
I can take that. Tell me.
371
00:15:12,679 --> 00:15:15,232
Okay. All right. Well,
um, you know the book
372
00:15:15,257 --> 00:15:17,195
that Lucas was trying to
get everyone to read him?
373
00:15:17,219 --> 00:15:20,499
No, dear, because he's put me
on a grandma restraining order.
374
00:15:20,524 --> 00:15:23,180
Right. Okay, well,
it's Hansel and Gretel.
375
00:15:23,205 --> 00:15:24,979
And in it, there's a witch
376
00:15:25,004 --> 00:15:27,421
that looks exactly like you.
377
00:15:28,000 --> 00:15:29,186
- Like me?
- Uh-huh.
378
00:15:29,211 --> 00:15:31,178
- (CHUCKLES):
- Oh, no, I don't think so.
379
00:15:31,263 --> 00:15:33,096
Isn't that crazy? It's
literally your twin.
380
00:15:33,132 --> 00:15:34,715
That could be your passport photo.
381
00:15:34,800 --> 00:15:37,551
(CHUCKLES) I don't
look anything like that.
382
00:15:38,451 --> 00:15:39,784
He's just shy.
383
00:15:51,966 --> 00:15:53,896
_
384
00:15:57,915 --> 00:15:59,262
Guys' night!
385
00:15:59,287 --> 00:16:00,661
Hey, man. I'm really sorry I'm late.
386
00:16:00,685 --> 00:16:01,676
Has the fight started yet?
387
00:16:01,701 --> 00:16:03,437
Oh... it's about to.
388
00:16:03,462 --> 00:16:05,213
- What? Oh!
- (GIGGLES): I'm just kidding, man.
389
00:16:05,237 --> 00:16:06,357
- I'd never hurt you.
- Okay.
390
00:16:06,382 --> 00:16:07,581
I probably couldn't.
391
00:16:08,152 --> 00:16:09,432
Where are the rest of the guys?
392
00:16:09,457 --> 00:16:10,299
What are you talking about?
393
00:16:10,324 --> 00:16:12,136
Guy. Guys. Guys' night.
394
00:16:12,221 --> 00:16:14,388
What more do we need?
395
00:16:14,772 --> 00:16:16,374
(QUIETLY): Aw, man.
396
00:16:16,399 --> 00:16:18,038
Dude, check this out.
397
00:16:18,063 --> 00:16:19,860
I got us a frozen margarita machine,
398
00:16:19,895 --> 00:16:21,957
or, as I like to call 'em, Matt-aritas.
399
00:16:21,982 --> 00:16:23,314
- (LAUGHS)
- (CHUCKLES)
400
00:16:23,357 --> 00:16:25,832
I didn't want to fire this
bad boy up till you got here,
401
00:16:25,857 --> 00:16:28,306
so get ready for some frozen margs
402
00:16:28,331 --> 00:16:31,521
in three, two, one...
403
00:16:31,546 --> 00:16:33,512
four hours.
404
00:16:33,581 --> 00:16:35,290
You know what, I'll just have a beer.
405
00:16:35,315 --> 00:16:38,292
Oh. Yeah, help yourself.
Should be some in the fridge.
406
00:16:38,479 --> 00:16:41,581
I didn't know what kind you
like, so I got all the kinds.
407
00:16:42,620 --> 00:16:45,085
Uh, do you have an IPA?
408
00:16:45,170 --> 00:16:46,553
Is that a kind of beer?
409
00:16:46,639 --> 00:16:47,971
Never mind.
410
00:16:48,179 --> 00:16:49,395
Ah.
411
00:16:50,745 --> 00:16:51,972
What are you doing?
412
00:16:52,127 --> 00:16:54,304
Relaxing. Pop those pants off.
413
00:16:54,917 --> 00:16:56,112
No, I'm okay.
414
00:16:56,137 --> 00:16:58,276
Come on. What's more
fun than a couple guys
415
00:16:58,309 --> 00:16:59,758
chilling in their comfies, huh?
416
00:16:59,844 --> 00:17:01,260
What are you afraid of?
417
00:17:01,285 --> 00:17:03,335
I guess, that you lured
me here to assault me.
418
00:17:03,360 --> 00:17:04,513
(LAUGHING)
419
00:17:04,659 --> 00:17:06,075
Dude.
420
00:17:06,395 --> 00:17:08,317
Take your pants off.
421
00:17:09,731 --> 00:17:11,128
I feel like I should apologize.
422
00:17:11,153 --> 00:17:12,271
You know what, man, it's all good.
423
00:17:12,295 --> 00:17:13,460
Let's just watch the fight.
424
00:17:13,485 --> 00:17:14,645
- Let's do it.
- All right.
425
00:17:14,670 --> 00:17:16,275
- Fight night!
- Yeah.
426
00:17:16,300 --> 00:17:17,141
(BELL DINGS ON TV)
427
00:17:17,166 --> 00:17:19,445
COMMENTATOR: And round one begins.
428
00:17:19,470 --> 00:17:21,765
The fighters start to circle, and...
429
00:17:22,060 --> 00:17:23,426
- (THUD)
- Oh!
430
00:17:23,451 --> 00:17:25,167
- (BELL DINGS)
- It's over!
431
00:17:25,202 --> 00:17:26,703
It is over, folks.
432
00:17:26,728 --> 00:17:29,863
He is down, and he is not getting up.
433
00:17:30,079 --> 00:17:32,446
Well, that was... fun.
434
00:17:32,501 --> 00:17:34,603
- Yeah, awesome. (CHUCKLES)
- (SCOFFS)
435
00:17:34,628 --> 00:17:35,928
There was a couple seconds there
436
00:17:35,953 --> 00:17:37,520
where it could've been
anyone's fight, huh?
437
00:17:37,544 --> 00:17:39,649
- (EXHALES)
- Hey, you think if I turn it off now,
438
00:17:39,674 --> 00:17:41,308
they'll still charge
me the hundred bucks?
439
00:17:41,332 --> 00:17:43,519
Well, as much as I'd like to
stick around for round two...
440
00:17:43,543 --> 00:17:45,650
Tim versus the cable company... I, uh...
441
00:17:45,675 --> 00:17:47,022
I think I'm gonna get going.
442
00:17:47,057 --> 00:17:48,857
- (DOORBELL RINGS)
- Ooh! Can't leave yet.
443
00:17:48,893 --> 00:17:50,636
- Food's here.
- The foo...
444
00:17:55,149 --> 00:17:57,483
We've all had tacos, but
I bet you've never been
445
00:17:57,568 --> 00:17:59,902
this close to one being made before.
446
00:18:00,403 --> 00:18:03,539
Well, Colleen's Mexican, so
we make tacos all the time.
447
00:18:03,880 --> 00:18:05,443
Oh...
448
00:18:06,247 --> 00:18:09,727
But... this feels like overkill, Timmy.
449
00:18:09,752 --> 00:18:13,003
No, I did the math. You're
good for 25, 26 tacos.
450
00:18:13,028 --> 00:18:15,996
So, at that point, it's
just cheaper to get the guy.
451
00:18:16,551 --> 00:18:17,803
(SCOFFS)
452
00:18:18,731 --> 00:18:20,222
(CLEARS THROAT)
453
00:18:22,824 --> 00:18:24,340
Are you not gonna have any?
454
00:18:24,365 --> 00:18:26,732
I can't, 'cause of my
heart. Are they good?
455
00:18:26,757 --> 00:18:30,175
Describe it to me in detail.
Start with the tortilla.
456
00:18:32,104 --> 00:18:33,814
Man, it's getting late, you know?
457
00:18:33,839 --> 00:18:35,270
I think I got to head out.
458
00:18:35,295 --> 00:18:37,721
What? Come on, we got to
try those frozen margaritas.
459
00:18:37,746 --> 00:18:39,487
They got to be ready by now!
460
00:18:39,512 --> 00:18:40,512
(WHOOPS)
461
00:18:41,472 --> 00:18:42,738
Whoa.
462
00:18:44,449 --> 00:18:45,665
I'm gonna drink it just like this,
463
00:18:45,689 --> 00:18:47,392
but there's no pressure for you.
464
00:18:48,953 --> 00:18:50,751
(GAGS)
465
00:18:54,108 --> 00:18:55,774
(GROANS)
466
00:18:59,972 --> 00:19:02,450
Hey, I'm sorry. I feel like
I kind of ruined this night.
467
00:19:02,474 --> 00:19:05,994
Oh, no, man, it was...
it was good. We had fun.
468
00:19:06,019 --> 00:19:07,310
Yeah.
469
00:19:08,269 --> 00:19:09,978
Remember when I drank that margarita?
470
00:19:10,003 --> 00:19:12,315
(CHUCKLES): Yeah.
That-that just happened.
471
00:19:12,340 --> 00:19:13,338
Yeah.
472
00:19:13,363 --> 00:19:15,127
Remember I tried to
pull your pants down?
473
00:19:15,152 --> 00:19:16,901
Yeah. That just happened, too.
474
00:19:16,926 --> 00:19:18,807
Ah, it was probably a stupid idea
475
00:19:18,832 --> 00:19:20,315
for me to try to even have a party.
476
00:19:20,340 --> 00:19:21,741
Oh, no, no, no. It was good.
477
00:19:21,766 --> 00:19:23,496
- It was good.
- Yeah?
478
00:19:23,521 --> 00:19:24,689
Yeah. So you'll stay?
479
00:19:24,714 --> 00:19:27,114
'Cause the churro guy's gonna
be here in, like, half an hour.
480
00:19:27,456 --> 00:19:29,798
Uh... (STAMMERS) I
think I'm gonna call it.
481
00:19:29,823 --> 00:19:31,159
Yeah, cool. Cool.
482
00:19:31,781 --> 00:19:32,696
All right.
483
00:19:32,721 --> 00:19:33,924
Hey, um...
484
00:19:36,120 --> 00:19:38,150
So you'll always remember tonight.
485
00:19:38,175 --> 00:19:39,542
Hey, all right.
486
00:19:41,246 --> 00:19:43,041
Hey, baby, it's me.
487
00:19:43,066 --> 00:19:44,635
I'm coming home a little bit early.
488
00:19:44,660 --> 00:19:48,151
Uh, Tim threw this big guys'
night party for the two of us.
489
00:19:48,176 --> 00:19:50,322
I mean, I know that he loves me, but...
490
00:19:50,347 --> 00:19:52,227
(CHUCKLES) I mean, there-there was food
491
00:19:52,252 --> 00:19:54,712
and booze for, like, ten people...
492
00:20:02,332 --> 00:20:03,678
Hey, man. Did you forget something?
493
00:20:03,702 --> 00:20:06,262
Yeah, man, I realized I
couldn't leave without having one
494
00:20:06,287 --> 00:20:08,705
of those margaritas in
its natural frozen state.
495
00:20:08,730 --> 00:20:10,931
Oh, cool! Well, I had to unplug it,
496
00:20:10,956 --> 00:20:12,971
so it's gonna be another four hours.
497
00:20:13,534 --> 00:20:15,024
You invited a bunch of
guys over for a guys' night,
498
00:20:15,048 --> 00:20:16,681
and I'm the only one who showed up, huh?
499
00:20:16,706 --> 00:20:18,063
No, I didn't.
500
00:20:19,376 --> 00:20:21,218
Yeah. What gave me away?
501
00:20:21,258 --> 00:20:23,327
You got three valets outside.
502
00:20:23,352 --> 00:20:25,054
- Damn it, they're still here?
- Yeah.
503
00:20:25,079 --> 00:20:28,322
Hey! I told you guys to go!
504
00:20:30,244 --> 00:20:33,330
Everyone bailed on me to go over
to Dr. Oh's to watch the fight.
505
00:20:33,355 --> 00:20:36,119
Joke's on them, it
only lasted 15 seconds.
506
00:20:36,389 --> 00:20:38,022
Wait, you didn't invite Greg?
507
00:20:38,174 --> 00:20:40,056
No, 'cause then I
figured you wouldn't come.
508
00:20:42,244 --> 00:20:43,993
You want to take a
picture, make him jealous?
509
00:20:44,017 --> 00:20:45,540
- Yeah, let's take our pants off.
- (CHUCKLES)
510
00:20:45,564 --> 00:20:47,139
- No, I don't think so.
- All right.
511
00:20:47,164 --> 00:20:48,842
I'll take mine off and you kiss me.
512
00:20:48,867 --> 00:20:50,280
(SHUTTER SOUND EFFECT)
513
00:20:50,358 --> 00:20:51,458
Synced and corrected by Octavia
- www.addic7ed.com -
37282
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