Original subtitles

Synced and corrected by Katniss Everdeen. www.addic7ed.com

(Chanting) Yes, we can. Yes, we can.

Yes, we can.

Keller: Yes, we can.

Starting with giving money to this can.

I'm talking paper, people.

KC, can I have a word with you?

Uh, sure, but why just one word?

You can use all your words.

Except for juicy.

Something about that word just kinda grosses me out.

Juicy.

Well, I have an important job for you,

but I need to know you're totally committed to the cause.

Keller, I switched to one-ply toilet paper for you.

I think we both know I'm committed.

Good, because you'd be perfect for this.

You can think on your feet, you're a master of disguise,

and you're not afraid to get your hands dirty.

I just have one question about the job.

How soon can I get my hands dirty?

♪ Oh, when danger comes for you ♪

♪ You know I'll stand beside you ♪

♪ 'Cause ain't nobody keep things hustle cool ♪

♪ I'll always find a way, a way out of the fire ♪

♪ Don't tell nobody, tell nobody ♪

♪ I'm not perfect ♪

♪ So many things I wanna tell you ♪

♪ But I, I, I, I keep it undercover ♪

♪ Livin' my life, no way to learn ♪

♪ Doin' my thing, gonna make it work ♪

♪ Know I'm the realest, baby, I'm fearless ♪

♪ But I always got your back ♪

♪ Nobody can do it like I can ♪

♪ I gotta find out who I am ♪

♪ Ain't got to worry about me ♪

♪ It's all part of the plan ♪

I keep it undercover.

I keep it undercover.

Ernie, enough already.

I'm telling you, Dad, KC's in too deep.

This is more than just tofu-loving, incense-burning macramé-making good times.

Keller's gotten into her head, and we've gotta get her out.

Ernie, this is all just part of her assignment.

No, Dad, she's changed.

I went to see her the other day, and she stopped using deodorant

due to its harmful interaction with the body's natural chemistry.

They've broken her, Dad. They've broken her!

(Sniffing) Did they break you, too?

Ernie, KC's just working Keller.

It's all a mind game. You know what mind games are, don't you?

Like the way you sometimes put me down and embarrass me

in order to make me stronger?

Yeah, like that.

Well, I'm telling you.

KC's under Keller's control.

Ernie, trust me. KC's fine.

She knows when working deep cover,

a good agent can never show a crack in the armor.

Now promise me you're not gonna do anything.

Fine. I promise I won't do anything.

- Ernie. - I said I promise.

Hey, Ernie, where's KC?

She's a Volunteen under Keller's control.

I'm going rogue, and I need your help to save her.

This is a great time we're living in.

The country of Monrovia is transitioning from a monarchy to a democracy.

The queen will no longer parade around her 40-karat diamond

while her people eat dirt for lunch.

Forty karats? Dang.

Step aside, Dwayne Johnson.

There's a new rock in town.

But there are loyalists who stand in the way of change.

That's why you'll be capturing the Monrovian ambassador and bringing him to me.

Just capture him?

'Cause I can do so much more.

I can rough him up a little bit.

Pull out his arm hairs, eat some sardines and close-talk him.

Nobody likes that.

No, just bring him back here.

Are you sure, because I can give him

a real nasty paper cut right in the thumb web.

You know, when you think it's healed, then you go to reach for something,

and it pops right back open again.

No.

But you didn't let me finish, girl.

Then you put a little lemon juice on it.

Really not necessary.

Okay, okay, okay.

We'll just go with the classic.

- Wet Willie. - No.

- Dry Willie. - No!

Just bring him back here.

Okay, okay.

Fine, if you wanna take all the fun out of it.

Okay, I think if we're gonna get KC out of there, what we need to do...

Bup-bup-bup. Marisa, please.

I am the experienced agent.

I have been on many missions, and I know what I'm doing.

So your fly is down on purpose?

Look, I think what we need to do...

You don't need to think.

Just listen.

You're gonna go undercover as Nadine Klansky,

a disgruntled teenager who didn't make the cut

for the U.S. Olympic figure skating team because of a mediocre triple axel.

You see, in this "everyone gets a trophy" society,

her parents built her up to believe

she could accomplish anything, but in reality,

Nadine couldn't make ice, much less skate on it.

Is this going anywhere?

Yes, but you won't be unless you pay attention.

Now stick with me.

Once Nadine realized her mediocrity,

she shunned her upper-lower middle class family,

and fled her home on a sun-drenched cul-de-sac

of Dayton, Ohio, and came to D.C.

to become a Volunteen.

Okay, I can see that you put a lot of thought and effort into this,

which is just heartbreaking because it is so stupid.

Look, since they don't know anything about me, I can just go in as myself.

Excuse me? I am in charge.

Now...

I'm thinking, since they don't know anything about you,

you should just go in as yourself.

Great.

Now let's work on your backstory.

And your front story. Why is your fly down again?

All right, Keller, I'm in position.

Be careful. Nothing can go wrong.

- I need the ambassador. - Okay, please.

Relax, okay. I think I can handle

whatever doughnut-loving mall cop they have guarding him.

Well, got the doughnut-loving part right.

I can't even look out the window?

Aren't you being a little overprotective?

A lot of people call me overprotective, but you know what?

Those people are still alive.

Well, most of those people are still alive.

I still think you're being overprotective.

Don't just stand there, Greg.

Overprotect me! Overprotect me!

You.

Over here now.

And do anything stupid.

- Like what? - Like ask, "Why am I hitting the floor?"

Sorry, Dad, but like you taught me, no cracks in the armor.

Did someone order a Monrovian ambassador?

In a to-go bag?

Nicely done, KC.

I knew I could count on you.

Of course you can. So, what do we do with him now?

Your job is done.

Leave me alone with him.

I'll get the information I need, one way or another.

Well, I'm glad we took bodily harm off the table.

It is still off the table, right?

Go.

Uh, yeah, no. For sure. You know what.

You do what you gotta do.

Although, you know...

I really don't have anything else to do,

so I could just chill here, you know.

Help out, maybe be here for moral support.

You know what? What I should do is take a little seat and watch quietly.

KC, you're not listening.

I told you to go. Now go.

For sure. I'll go.

Hit the bricks. Skedaddle.

Make like a bread truck and haul buns.

You're still here.

Oh, am I? I sure am.

True dat, true dat.

Uh, but, uh, I'll be leaving now.

Keep the door open. You got a boy in your room.

- KC! - Going.

Hey, did you call me?

No!

Okay, I have a suggestion.

You know that thing where we chant, "What do we want? A revolution.

When do we want it, now."

What if we changed that to, "What do we want? A revolution.

When do we want it? Not on a Friday night,

because some of us already have plans."

Keller: Namaste, everyone.

Yoga class is now beginning.

You guys go ahead. I can't do yoga.

Nadine Klansky has a bum hip.

Just an old figure skating injury.

I landed that triple axel at the world nationals, but at what cost?

At what cost?!

Whoo, it's drafty. Drafty in here.

(Ernie screaming)

Yeah. Ooh, that wind.

It's just howling.

Come on.

Come on.

First of all... ow!

Second of all, what took you so long?

I've been waiting outside for an hour.

What are you complaining about?

They made me drink kombucha.

It is fermented tea with slimy mushrooms

made from live bacteria and no, no, it is not as good as it sounds.

All right, you did your job.

The professional will take it from here.

And you'll take me with you. I really wanna help KC.

- Fine. You can be back-up. - What does back-up do?

You can back up out that door. Bye-bye.

All right, I'm here.

What is it, Craig?

Well, you know that ambassador I was watching,

my friend who specifically requested me, 'cause I'm charming, I'm likable.

I always do a great job.

And, who I might add, I already saved once

from certain death in a potentially lethal elliptical bombing.

- What's your point, Craig? - Somebody knocked me out and took him.

Don't worry, don't worry.

- I can find him. - No need.

We think we found him.

We won't know for sure until the dental records come back.

Does this look like your friend?

Reporter: Following the explosion,

firefighters extinguished the car.

The deceased is believed to be Ambassador Armad Rollin,

from the newly liberated republic of Monrovia.

Wait, Rollin is gone?

You never said you were gonna eliminate him.

Well, the ambassador and I had a little chat.

And agreed I was better off dead.

All right, something stinks here, and it's obviously not your rotting corpse.

What is going on?

Miss Keller and I are going into business together.

The ambassador can access the entire Monrovian treasury.

And now that everyone thinks I'm dead, I can transfer a billion dollars

into Keller's untraceable account.

Then you two split the money, and start new lives.

Mm-mm-mm. Sha-dy.

I knew all along you were no good, Keller, but for a second there,

I thought you actually wanted to make the world a better place.

With all your speeches and getting your little Oprah on.

I did care about making this a better world, at first, then I realized...

that's a lot of work.

A funny thing about money, KC.

Turns out, the more you have, the less you care about

other people not having it.

I'm starting to understand why the queen of Monrovia

clung so tightly to that 40-karat diamond of hers.

Okay. Well, you know what?

Let me just be the first to wish you good luck with your new life... in prison.

I hope you like dropping a deuce with an audience.

Yeah, I don't think so.

I have been waiting to take you down, sweetheart.

I have been trained in 17 forms of martial arts,

and I'm an avid fan of pro wrestling.

I will take you two down so quick, you won't even know what hit you.

Hint: It'll probably be that folding chair.

KC, I'm here to save you.

(Gasps) You monster.

What have you done to my sister?

You can run and hide, but the Organization will find you.

I don't see how, when all the evidence will be destroyed.

I don't think so. There's a paper trail, and it all leads back to you.

You know the best thing about paper?

It changed humanity by enabling people to record their oral histories.

Well, there's that.

But I was thinking it's so easy to get rid of.

I can't believe it.

I can't believe she got the better of me.

Paper's easy to get rid of?

What's that supposed to mean?

Uh, Ernie, I think...

KC, I'm trying to figure this out.

(Coughing)

Keller must be planning to shred the evidence.

No, Ernie, seriously...

When we get out of here, you should really see a doctor.

I think you're coming down with something.

- Ernie... - Wait!

(Sniffing) I smell smoke.

Maybe they're bringing us some barbecue.

No, dummy, we're the barbecue.

- Help! - Help!

Help, somebody!

(Both coughing)

We don't have much time left.

We should make the most of it.

Go ahead, before it's too late, thank me.

Thank you? For what?

Coming to rescue you.

We are tied up in a room that is quickly running out of oxygen.

You want me to use what little I have left to thank you?

It wouldn't kill you.

Actually, yes, it could.

I don't think I like your attitude.

Don't expect me to rescue you again any time in the near future.

What future? We're about to become people jerky.

Both: Dad?!

Yes, Dad. Why do you look all surprised?

For your information, I happen to be a top spy.

Busting in and saving people happens to be my thing.

Take notes, Ernie. See how we're both conscious?

That is a rescue.

How did you find us?

I knew it was you who took the ambassador.

I was wearing a ski mask. How did you know it was me?

(Gasps) Because Dad must have X-ray vision!

Dad, no one would fault you if you only untied me.

I knew because you took me out with the legendary double punch crunch kick.

What's the legendary double punch crunch kick?

It's Dad's secret fighting move. He taught it to me.

It's a father-daughter dance of destruction.

And I never saw it coming because no one but the two of us know it.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

You taught KC your secret punch kick, but you didn't teach me?

Do you know how hurtful that is?

I do now. I can barely feel my jaw.

Oh, boy, come on.

It's just mind games. It'll make you stronger.

Aw, thank you, Dad. You're the best.

That's my boy. That boy will believe anything.

I had her.

I had Keller right in my hands, and I lost her.

What a complete failure.

You get used to it.

KC, I don't know if Ernie mentioned this to you,

but I was a crucial member of the rescue mission.

I mean, my execution was flawless.

Not one misstep.

You slammed a window on my hand.

I did what I had to do, and I would do it again.

And by the way, spies don't brag.

It's a good thing I'm not a spy, because I was ♪ amazing ♪

And the worst part is, I can't even track Keller down.

She's completely off the grid.

KC, let it go.

Take your mind off of it.

Just concentrate on the card game.

Okay, fine.

Three of a kind.

We're playing Crazy Eights.

Right. I knew that.

Changing that to diamonds.

Diamonds. Right.

Diamonds.

Diamonds! Guys, that is it. Diamonds.

Yes. And now, it's hearts.

No, diamonds.

Keller would not shut up about diamonds.

It was like she was obsessed with it.

At least, this 40-karat one.

Ernie, look up the Monrovian royal diamond.

All right.

Here it is.

Ooh, look at this.

"The Monrovian monarchy has been phased out.

The auction will be held..."

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yada, yada, yada.

"Royal treasures, pieces of art.

Furniture dating back to..."

Ha! Here it is. Okay, I found it.

The famous Monrovian royal diamond.

Guys, I gotta get to that auction in Monrovia.

(Gavel pounding)

We will now begin the bidding on our next item, lot number 975,

the 40-karat Monrovian royal diamond.

This one-of-a-kind stone, one of the largest flawless diamonds in the world,

had been the property of the recently deposed queen of Monrovia.

We will start the bidding at $5 million.

Five million.

(Russian accent) Five million and one dollar.

Six million.

Six million and one dollar.

Seven million.

Seven million and one dollar.

Who is that woman?

Who is that woman and one dollar.

I'm sorry. This is not a real bid.

I get what you say confuse-ski.

Who are you?

Not that it is any of your business,

but I am well-known international recording artist

slash platform diver slash spokesmodel Nikita Minajka Waka Flocka Bernstein.

I've never heard of you.

Well, perhaps you know me better as...

(Normal voice) Someone who actually cares about the planet.

- KC. - Keller.

That is for being phony and almost making me believe in you.

That is for taking advantage of vulnerable teenagers.

And that is for making me cash in my miles

to fly all the way over here last minute to Monrovia.

I was supposed to go to Paris this summer,

but instead, I had to sit in the middle seat by the bathroom.

Thank you.

Sold to the stunningly gorgeous teenage spy

who always gets her man or woman. Am I right?

You guys can just bill that to the Organization.

Okay, that's enough of that.

Ernie, what's taking you so long?

Do you wanna learn the double punch crunch kick or not?

Boy, what are you wearing?

Padding. We have to make sure we adhere to OSHA guidelines

to prevent musculoskeletal injuries in the workplace.

Too late. I think someone already injured your head.

I'm serious, Dad. Safety first.

Safety from what?

You're throwing a punch at me.

Now come on. Come on, boy.

Hit me. You got this. Hit me.

(Inhaling deeply)

I don't think I can do it, Dad.

This is why I didn't want to teach you the move in the first place.

You're too weak, you're too soft, you're too much of...

I don't think I did that right.

Close enough.

Rob, your name's on TV.