Original subtitles

[retching and spitting]

Today on "Jon Glaser Loves Gear"... skydiving.

Gear-- [retching]

♪

Gear!

[laughing]

Honestly, I am shocked.

You seem like such a massive coward in general,

but you're really gonna jump out of an airplane-- wow.

[laughing] I mean, that's great.

Yeah, I mean, I think I can do it.

Maybe.

Probably, probably.

Yes, I'm going to jump out of a plane, for sure.

Good.But then again, maybe not.

But that's the whole point of the episode--

will he or won't he?

We keep the audience in suspense, right?

But I'm gonna jump out of a plane, right?

Because if I don't, obviously, that's a big [bleep]

with the audience, so I will jump...

but then again, maybe not.

But maybe I will. But maybe I won't.

But... I agree that we can't actually shoot

a skydiving episode

if you don't actually jump out of a plane, so...

Totally agree, same page, okay?

I'm 100 percent yes gonna jump.Good.

That said,

is there anything on the network side where--

whether it's legal, insurance, whatever--

where you guys would tell us,

"No way-- you cannot do a skydiving episode"?

Not at all.

Are you sure?Oh, yeah.

We are onboard with this 110 percent.

All right. I was hoping you might say

there was something and we're off the hook and...

that was our easy out and maybe we take the money

from skydiving and we put it towards a trail running finale,

and we're just were able to fly the whole crew

to a location that's super cool,

get this majestic drone footage of me, like,

in a kick-ass trail running outfit

with the mountains behind me or something like that,

I mean, how sweet would that be?

Not as sweet as you jumping out of an airplane.

[laughing]

[imitates parachute opening][Jon screams]

Jon, you can do this. It's all mental.

It's like running the marathon, you did that.

[deep voice] Ran the 'Thon!

Yeah, but I wasn't running 26.2 miles

while falling out of an airplane.

How cool would that be? Super cool.

You're super cool.You are.

God, I want your body.Jon, this was your idea.

You told the network.

"Jon Glaser jumps from an airplane!"

Yeah, fine, but what if this is the one in a millionth time

that something goes wrong?

Like, the lines tangle,

or I throw up and it gets all over the instructor's goggles,

and he can't see and by the time he gets it off,

we're too low, it's too late to pull the chute--

[blows raspberry]

What if I throw up right when he's going, "You got this, Jon!"

And it goes up the throat, goes in his mouth on,

"You got this, Jon!"

[gagging] And then he chokes on my vomit

and he dies, and then I'm strapped to a dead man,

and we are just, like, freefall...

[blows raspberry]

Or I throw up and it goes in his mouth

and he has immediate diarrhea, and the diarrhea's like,

everywhere, and he pulls the chute

and it's just covered in diarrhea... and it doesn't work?

We're dead. Splattered.

Right in front of my family--

they're all there, and my kids are, like, "Oh, my God!"

And they come running over,

they're trying to pick me up and, like, "Daddy!"

And it's just, like, mush, and they're, like, "Oh, God!"

And then they can't eat oatmeal ever again

'cause they just think of me.

Like, "Oh, that's daddy!

Aw, I can't eat this 'cause it's daddy!"

Jon--"It's daddy!"

You will never be more in the moment in life

than during that freefall, ever.

Don't you want to experience that?

[Jon] Maybe Spurt was right,

but I was a long way off from jumping out of an airplane,

so I turned to the pros at iFly to see

if they could help me bridge the gap from ground to sky.

♪

Before I actually jumped out of a plane,

I was curious what kind of air speed I'd be dealing with

at the indoor facility.

How fast can you get it going? What's the top speed?

Right now our top speed is about 160 miles an hour.

Am I gonna wear, like, an adult diaper in case I just,

you know, totally just...

Except for an adult diaper,

I changed into some pretty sweet gear,

and then slowly entered the tube.

At first, I didn't like all the wind in my face.

But once I learned to control my body a little better,

it ended up being pretty cool...

especially when Rob took me up for a spin!

♪

Things were going well,

right up until the point where I-- [retching]

With a fake jump under my belt,

I met up with John Kieran from Skydive The Ranch

to get a consultation on what it was going to feel like

to do a tandem jump strapped to another person.

And it pays to have a little dick.

John is an experienced instructor

with over 13,000 jumps to his name,

which had me and Spurt pretty psyched up.

Whoo!

So, come right here in front of me.

Okay.And...

So they have two hooks on top...

Now, I'm just gonna throw something out there.

Okay.I'm gonna throw something out there.

Yeah.I'm sure-- I'm guessing I'm not

the first person to mention this,

I just feel like I want to address every point here,

and I'm-- so I'm just gonna say this.

So, I'm gonna hook up these bottom ones here.

Take these hooks...

make it hooked to me.[Bleep] of my God.

Here's where we actually get to know each other a little bit.

Mm-hmm?So yeah, sit down in the harness.

You could pick your feet up.

[vocalizing circus music]

So, where you feeling that, though?

It's actually not bad at all.Okay.

These are padded, and I feel it mostly right there.

All right, so-- see?Just straighten out

a little bit.Yeah.

In the door, ready...

[Jon] Next, John explained the jump sequence from a fuselage.

[screaming]

Right?Yeah!

That's-- we just jumped out of a plane, right?Yeah.

And while I still wasn't ready to take the actual plunge,

I did find myself easing up a little bit

as Spurt and I checked out the pro shop

and all the cool skydiving gear.

Can I try one of these on?You can try that one on.

Just for fun?Hell, yeah.

Chute one fail!

Chute two fail!

You okay up there, Jon?

Oh, Jon's dead!

Knife-- cut 'em both loose... [vocalizing wind]

Book-- did it!

As I quietly visualized the freefall from the heavens

to the earth, the cold, hard reality

of one of history's most famous quotes hit me

with all the force of the human body reaching terminal velocity.

Turns out that the only thing we have to fear truly is...

Gear...

...itself.

Can't wait to jump! Whoo! Oh, yeah!

[Jon] Nothing's gonna happen,

I'm gonna be fine, but, if something goes wrong

and I do die in the jump...

Oh, my God....and I know it's weird

to say it-- it's possible, it might happen--

I doubt it will, but if it happens,

I want you guys to bury me in one of these bio-urns.

This thing is really cool.

I think the way these work is I think you cremate the body

and you put the ashes in here and you seal it

and you put it in the ground and it grows into a tree.

How beautiful is that?

And then down the road, when a tree grows...He's gonna be fine.

...you could be like, "Daddy!"

and you could actually physically hug the tree,

and then it's like you're hugging me, right?

Although, you know what, honestly, if I do die,

this isn't even an option

because I'm gonna be ground beef and you guys

should just dig a hole next to me and just like,

get a broom or a squeegee and just, like-- [clicks tongue]

shove me in the hole and bury me and do the funeral right there.

Okay, Jon, wrap it up.Anyway, guys,

don't worry, I'm gonna be fine in the jump.

Very re-assuring, Jon.

[whirring]

[man on PA] You are about to jump in five,

four three, two, one, go time.

[bell dings, Jon screams]

[screaming] Oh... God!

Oh... I don't like this!

Oh... God! Weird!

Oh... I don't like this! I don't want to do it, no.

Did you pull the chute?I don't know, man.

I couldn't handle it.

That, uh, that was quick, that didn't go well, huh?

Yikes. Don't be so hard on yourself, Jon.

Yes, you looked pathetic,

lying on the floor, screaming just now.

I'll bet. But I am 100 percent certain

that you would may be up to the task

when you actually jump.

Yeah, I don't know, that was-- that was scary.

[men clucking]

What's the matter, chicken[bleep]?

Scared to jump out of an airplane?

What is this? What's going on?

Thanks a lot.

Thanks, Steve.

Big help, big help, yeah.

[clucking continues]

[Bleeps].

[Jon] Uh, just drive, please?

Oh, you know, stop, stop.

Let me out.[clucking continues]

[Bleeps]. My God.

Gear-i, cancel this order, please.

Cancelling Chicken[bleep].

[phone beeping alerts]

We're done, we're done, we're done.

Order's done.Oh, okay.

Oh, man! Whoa! That was awesome.

Hey, good luck with that--

that's kind of crazy what you're gonna do.

Yeah-- jumping out of a plane?

I could never do that.Thank you.

Crazy.Thank you.

Later, man.Uh, you want to go get a beer?

No, I can't, I gotta go walk my dog.

Maybe later?You're gonna text me?

Yeah, I'll text you.All right, bye.

See ya.Bye.

[Jon] I hated to admit it,

but the chicken[bleep] were right.

I needed to start confronting some major fears head-on

if I were really going to jump out of an airplane,

so I headed to the Trapeze School of New York

in Williamsburg, Brooklyn.

Their motto is, "Forget fear, worry about the addiction."

I was more worried about getting addicted to shitting my pants.

I revealed my sweet, new outfit to my jump instructors,

got a quick lesson Hal and his mesmerizing golden eyes...

Now look up at the bar. Tuck into a ball.

Oh, I love to tuck.

And then it was time to climb.

[hard rock music]

I went over Hal's instructions in my head.

[Hal] The first set of safety lines

are gonna be your responsibility to put on.

Reach into the little bucket, put some chalk on your hands.

It's to keep your hands dry so you don't slip off the bar.

Climb all the way up

and wait for Annie to tell you what to do.

[Jon] As I slowly climbed the ladder of terror,

it hit me that if I couldn't jump from 25 feet,

there was no way I was going to do it from over 13,000.

Ten bucks says he shits his pants.

I heard that, Gear-i, shut up.

Hey, awesome.

Welcome-- you made it to the bar.

Thank you.Come around to my side.

All right.Yeah, you're gonna turn and face this little black ladder--

stay just like that.

Okay.And we're gonna get into a great take-off position.

Sounds good.All right.

So, I'm holding on to your belt, I have you strongly.

I'd like you to take this hand

and place it palm up under there.

Perfect.Okay.

Toes to the edge...

Yeah, both feet.

You got me, right?Uh-huh, I got you right here.

[Jon laughing]Reach high.

Lean out into my arm.

Awesome, stay just like that.

Grab that trapeze bar. Good.

Now, the plan is that I swing out, and then Mario catches me.

This seemed like great practice

in case I slipped out of the harness on my skydive

and my instructor had to catch me.

Sounded scary, but I wanted my kids

to be able to eat oatmeal without thinking

of their dead dad, so I had to give it a try.

Here come your calls from Mario.

[hard rock music]

Hey!Bend your knees!

Legs up, look at the bar, go under the bar.

Hands off there, hands off, hands off, look back.

Good job.Thanks.

Have a seat.[Jon exhales]

[cheering and applause]

Yeah, that's right, I [bleep] did that.

That wasn't a stuntman, that was Jonny G!

Well, all right!

And after successfully doing a tandem jump on the trapeze,

I thought maybe, maybe I could do it from an airplane.

[Bleep], yeah!

[Steve] How you feelin', brother?

Man, I gotta say, surprisingly good.

Good.I really thought there's no way,

and then I did the trapeze, and it was really fun.

And that made me feel like I think I can do it, you know?

Uh-huh.I mean, I'm still

kind of nervous, but, you know...

Well, that's only natural, Jon.

Is it 100 percent guaranteed that nothing will happen?

Of course not!Don't say that.

But nothing in life is, Jon.

But ask yourself this--

would you regret not jumping more than you'll regret jumping?

I mean, if I die in the jump then no...

or yes-- wait, I'm confused by your scenario.

What if instead of jumping out of a plane,

you shove a ghost pepper up your butt

while locked in a room with no water or milk.

You'd just have to suffer for the same amount of time

that you'd be falling from the sky.

That might be a better climax of the season.

I'd like to put a pepper up your butt, Gear-i.

My bank is always open for a deposit.

God, I love you. I want to tear your clothes off.

What's stopping you?Enough, you two!

Stop it-- that's not helping.

All right, let me get back to this place,

I was ready to go, I was feeling good.

Now, you can do this, Jon, you can do this.

You got it, right? You got it, Jon.

You got this, right? Mmm, yeah, you got it, Jon,

all right... [clicking tongue] yeah.

[vocalizing circus music]

[exhales]

[breathing over megaphone]

Oh, yeah, I always wanted to do this.

Gear!

[Jon] The day of the jump had arrived.

I had worked hard to get mentally prepared,

so now no one could ever call me a chicken[bleep] ever again.

I got some last-minute instruction from John and Sonic

and said good-bye to my fake and real families.

Okay, uh... Eva, thanks for everything.

How's the baby? Must be due pretty soon.

Can I see?

Aw... Kiss for good luck?

No.

No? No.No.

Just, you know, still in character.

Charlie, my man, all right!

Thanks again for everything.

I really loved you as my son.

I know you got this, Jon.

There's the sign you wanted me to make.

Oh, yeah, looking good.

Hope-- great job being my daughter.

I know you got it.Thanks.

My real family.

Sweetie, son, I don't want you guys to be scared, okay?

Daddy's going to be fine.

And how cool do I look?

Yeah, you do look pretty cool.

Right? Lot of cool stuff.Yeah.

Look at this-- it's an altimeter.

This tells me how high I am,

and then when I'm coming down during the dive, how low I am.

It's got, like, a thumb loop and all that.

Isn't that cool?

Look at this helmet, isn't this cool?

We got this right up front, gonna get some super cool shots.

[hard rock music]

[sighs]

Honey.

Nothing's gonna happen, but, you know...

[whispering] in case something does,

I am so sorry for any time I was annoying.

It's been a lot.

Oh, sorry.Okay.

[hard rock music]

I-I can't.Okay.

I'll catch you on the way down.Okay.

Daniel, lovin' the scarf![laughing]

I love this.Isn't this awesome? Look at that, man!

How cool is this, dude? Right? Season finale material.

I never expected you'd make it this far.

I had to shave my beard, I lost a bet this morning.

[laughing]

But you get up in that plane and you jump right back down

and we're gonna have ourselves a finale.

Told you, man, right? Yeah! We got this!

Yeah!Where's my Spurt?

There he is.

You ready, man?I'm ready. Are you ready?

Ready to do this?Let's do this!

Huh? You ready to do this?You ready?

I'm ready. You ready?Let's do this!

Let's do this!Whoo!

This is what a man looks like!

[hard rock music]

Ready, Spurt?Ready, buddy.

Whoo!Let's do this, man.

Ready, man?

You ready?

Pumped! Ha-ha! Whoo!

[engine revving, rotors whirring]

[slow speed hard rock music]

[slowed audio] You got this, dad!

[eerie music]

Jon, you okay, man?

Come on! Let's do this!

I don't think I can do it, man.

What?

You serious?

[indistinct conversation]

I was ready... I was, I was feeling... super confident.

I just-- no doubts in my mind, no fear,

I was all ready to go, I felt good.

Loved all the gear.

And just, right now, just...

just being confronted with the moment, man, I'm just...

oh, I can't, I can't-- I don't think I can do it.

Oh, [bleep] yeah!

Oh, my God! Whoo!

I mean it.

Sorry, Jon. I understand, bro.

Steve?I guess we're not jumpin'.

Hey, Jon.Hey...

How we doin', buddy?

Good.Gettin' on that plane?

Uh...

Don't get me wrong-- I'd love to win five grand

if you don't actually go through with it, but, uh...

We can't not have a jump.

I should've known better, I should've known better.

We should've done, we should've done

the trail running episode that I was pitching you guys--

that would've been so perfect!

Flying down to somewhere epic like Colorado or Chile, man,

Patagonia, the peaks, like, these crazy peaks?

Have some celebrity cameos...What are we gonna do, Jon?

We can't end the season like this.

I know, I know, just...

What if, like, for the last five minutes of the episode

we just show sports bloopers?

This whole episode is a blooper-- folks'll love it.

[Gear-i] Jon! Jon, I have an idea!

What, Gear-i?

Not now, it's not a really good time.

What do you want?

I'll do it.

You'll do what? Jump out of the plane.

If this chicken[bleep] won't get in the plane and jump,

then strap me in and I'll do it.

Gear-i, no one wants to see a phone

jump out of a plane, all right?

You know what? Strap him in.

You got it, man.

What are you talking about? What are you doing?

You're a guy who hosts a show about gear--

basically a macho adventure show and...

you're too scared to jump out of a plane

so you're gonna let your...

talking cell phone do it instead?

Is this what you want your legacy to be, Jon?

♪

Fine by me.

[chuckling]Jon.

Hey, kids, Gear-i's gonna jump!

Gonna be way better, we were just talking about it,

me and Daniel.

And we decided Gear-i's gonna jump instead,

which is, like, how cool is that?

A phone... jumping out of a plane?

Never been done.

With Gear-i strapped in for the jump,

the plane whisked him down the runway

and up into the skies.

Everybody gathered around the monitor

to witness this super exciting,

never-been-done-before season finale moment.

I mean, a phone jumping out of a plane!?

How cool!

You ready, Gear-i?

I was born ready.

I'm proud to have you with me today, Gear-i.

Sorry you're owned by a chicken[bleep].

♪

Ready, set...

Oh-ho! [Bleep], yeah!

This is awesome!

Drone-i, I'm flying just like you, baby!

Now, there's areal man.

Shut up, Drone-i.

Feels good not to be such a pussy!

Oh, oh, Jon, Jon, I think I'm coming loose-- Jon!

[Gear-i screaming]

No! Gear-i!

[Gear-i screaming]

[boy] Where is he?

I can't see him!

[Jon] There he is-- right there!

[Gear-i screaming]

Tell Drone-i I loved her!

No...!

You see? That would've been me!

I told you all something could happen, but no!

No, you didn't want to listen to me!

I was just a chicken[bleep] you all wanted to make fun of!

Well, guess what?

This chicken[bleep] is alive, and that stupid phone is dead!

[phone beeping]

It's your phone.

Hello?

Gear-i... yeah.

He wants to talk to you.

Gear-i, uh, hey, man, what's up? Great jump!

We're all so proud of you.

Yeah, I'll put you on speaker, hold on one sec.

Okay, you're on speaker, what's up?

[Gear-i clucking, mocking] Jon, you chicken[bleep]!

That was awesome!

[Gear-i laughing and clucking]

[Jon] So I didn't jump out of a plane.

So I was mocked by my phone.

So what?

It was still compelling television.

And besides...

look at me now.

Trail running in a stunning location,

wearing a lot of sweet looking gear.

That's what the show is really about.

It isn't about me conquering my fears.

It's about getting super cool shots...

of me doing super cool things.

So who cares that I didn't jump out of a plane--

we don't need that, because that wouldn't hold a candle

to a finale shot of a guy and his Spurt

meeting on the top of a cliff,

re-solidifying the bonds of friendship

under the spiritual gaze of a spectacular sunset,

all while celebrating their shared passion

for lots of kick-ass and cool looking...

Gear...!

[echoing]