Original subtitles

Today on "Jon Glaser Loves Gear"...

Photography![camera clicks]

Cheese!

[polaroid whirring]

♪

Gear!

One of my biggest regrets in life

was never having followed through

on the photography class I took in college.

So I headed to Brooklyn's Focus Camera to right this wrong

and gear up on what was sure to become a new life passion.

So I took a photography class when I was in college,

and I really enjoyed it.

I had what I call chops eye.

I never heard of that before.All right, well, you know the term "chops"?

If you're just good at something, people might say,

"Man, you got chops," and then having, like,

a good eye, like for an artist...

Yeah?You got a really good eye.

So that was something I had-- "chops eye".

[deep voice] Chops eye!

[camera clicks]

I just wanted to make sure when you're helping me out

that you're, like, oh,

I'm helping out a guy that's got chops eye.

Chops eye!

I want to get a nice camera, I want to get some cool gear.

All right, let's do it.

These, to me, look pretty kick-ass.

Yeah, this is, like, the amateur beginner camera.

No thank you.

These cameras would probably be the ones

that you would want to go with.

Beautiful, Ralph.

Oh, yeah, there we go.[camera clicking]

That lens is sweet. Oh, yeah.

[vocalizing camera clicking]

You ever make sound effects when you're taking pictures?

You don't really hear the noises anymore, I mean, a little bit.

How would you do the noise?It kind of disappeared.

[hissing]That's your camera noise?

[hissing]

You need a better noise than that, Ralph.

[Ralph] We have tripods over here.

I'm gonna put you to the test real quick.

Let's say you're in the woods,

you're getting some nature photography,

you see an eagle, the eagle takes a baby,

you gotta get that shot,

this could be your shot in Nat Geo,

how quickly can you assemble this tripod?

Let's do 20 seconds.Let's see.

All right, Gear-i? Yes, Jon.

Put him on the timer.

Timing starts...

now.Go.

Come on, that eagle just took the baby,

the parents are screaming,

"Oh, my God! My baby! Oh, somebody save my baby!

"Somebody else'll get a picture! Oh, my God, my baby!

"Oh, my God, this eagle's taking my baby!

"What a photo opportunity! Oh, God!"

And stop. What was that time, Gear-i?

That was 25 seconds, Jon.

Ahh.You missed the shot, but, uh...

The baby survived?

Ugh, the baby died.[eagle screeching]

Too bad for the baby, but thanks to Ralph,

I was ready to reignite an old passion

and test out some new gear.

C-c-c-chops eye.

Chop it up.

Headin' to the chophouse.

Chop salad with a side of porkchop.

My hands-free umbrella would keep my gear dry,

while I walked around town taking plenty of classic shots.

But none of these photos had me feeling truly inspired until...

Excuse me, sir? Excuse me.

Do you mind if I take a photo of your backpack?

Uh, my backpack?Yeah, I'm a big fan of gear,

and your backpack is super cool.

Yeah.Thank you.

I realized in that moment that my thing wasn't just gear,

but that my true calling was taking photos of gear.

I like that jacket.

Do you mind if I take a photo of it?

Can I take a picture of the water bottle?

Can I take a photo of your helmet?

Sweet kicks, man, are those Jordans?

It's a case for, for a baby scale?

Capturing the beauty of gear had fulfilled me in ways

I didn't think possible, but I wanted these pictures

to be more than just cool shots.

I wanted people to see gear the way I saw gear.

But to take pictures like that,

I was going to need a little guidance,

so I met up with a professional portrait photographer

to make sure I was taking the best pictures I could.

So, I kind of like this one, this lady had a really cool bag.

It was just, I thought,

a cool piece of gear.Right.

You seem like... you-- are you not into these?

Um, I just think you need to work on, uh,

framing the whole photo.

I thought I was taking all these photos with chops eye.

Chops eye!

Wh-what?Chops eye?

Chops eye!

You know that term?Let me show you, over here,

some of the photos that I've taken that I think have,

uh, sort of show you what I'm talking about.

See?That's nice.

Yeah, there's kind of a difference.

These are sort of...Yeah, I like the framing on that.

That feels like chops eye.

Chops eye!

Well, let's work on it.

Uh, I see that you brought some of your gear and everything

and, uh...

That's why I'm here, to get some pointers from the pros, so...

Why don't you grab something you like

and throw it in there, we'll take some shots.

Okay.

So, I got to work taking photos while Keith

gave me some great tips.

Oh, there we go, this is nice.Yeah, there you go.

The thing is that this-- it's a little low.

So, why don't you grab a stool, bring it in,

and lay the gear on top of the stool?

That's actually along the lines of what I was thinking

'cause it's ultimately going to be portraiture--

is that a word?

Exactly. That's more of a term, just so you know,

than chops eye.

Chops eye!

Yeah, I'm liking this framing.[camera clicks]

So much better.It's higher.

How sweet are these, right?

Cool.Very cool.

This would be a part of a goggle series.

Maybe, like, a woman pulling her robe down?

Oh, yeah!

Well, now you're telling a story,

that's excellent, that's great.

Like that?That's too kiltered.

Yeah, that's better.

Oh, I love how this looks.[camera clicks]

Why don't you grab something that you like

and then get in there and then I'll take some shots of you?

So, me and the gear?Yeah, you and the gear.

Well, this is the whole story...

All right.Great.

[camera clicks]Look at that.

I like that.Yeah?

Now, lets do one where you're sort of interacting

with the backpack, like you're...

That's pretty fun....you just came upon it

in the store.[camera clicks]

That's so great.

Look at you, you're having such a blast!

You know what, why don't you take your shirt off?

Take my shirt off?Yeah.

Yeah, it'd be more of, like, an arty vibe.

That seems fun.This'll be great.

Oh, there we go-- perfect, perfect.

Yeah, that's what I like. Gear!

So, here's some shots that I took of my gear,

and then these are some of the shots

the photographer took of me and my gear.

Aren't these great?What's happening here?

Okay, so first, he got shots of just my gear,

and then he's like, "Why don't you get in there?

Get some shots of you with the gear?"

I was like, well, that sounds fun,

so I got in some of the shots, and then he said,

"Why don't you take your shirt off?"

And I thought, sounds fun, so I tried some like that,

and then he said, "Keep going with that,

"just take off your pants," and I was like...

sure, that sounds cool and we got some fun shots like that,

and then he said, "Why don't you do that thing

"where you tuck your penis between your legs

"and pretend to have a vagina?"

So, did some of those.

[camera clicks echoing]

What-- it wasn't sexual, clearly, it's artistic,

I mean, look at these, they're beautiful.

Jon, he took advantage of you.

What? No.

Look at these-- these are tasteful shots, I mean,

I-- I did this to become a better photographer.

How does somebody else taking photos of you... tucking

make you a better photographer?

Because I'm observing his process

and seeing how he does things so then I can do it myself

when I'm taking pictures, so I can get better chops eye.

Chops eye!

Also, we set up GoPros and got, like, some super cool shots.

[hard rock music]

I don't really understand why you're sweating me about this.

It was no big deal, it was just a professional lesson,

I was in control the whole time, it was fine.

You were his puppet and he was pulling the strings!

I should know, this has happened with me before

on some modeling shoots.

You have to confront him!

Yeah, maybe you're right.

[sighs]

Will you come with me?

No, no, I think this is something

that you should do for yourself.

Please!

[Jon] Eva was right.

I needed to confront the photographer,

so I headed to his studio and brought Spurt along for muscle.

So, how's it been going?

You've been taking photographs and everything?

Yeah, I feel like even in just the past week

I've made a real progression as a photographer.

That's awesome.Yeah.

I'm so glad to hear it.

I feel like you have a real talent and an eye...

Hey, why did you trick me into getting naked and tucking?

Jon, I don't think I tricked you into anything.

Oh, really?

'Cause my fake wife says you did.

Fake wife?She's pissed off.

She says that I was your puppet.

[chuckles]What's so funny?

Why are you smiling? Is this a joke to you?

You think it's okay to-- to manipulate people

into doing something they don't want to do?

Get him, Spurt!

Spurt, get him!

Jon, do you feel like I manipulated you?

No.

And at any point, while we were taking our photos,

did you feel uncomfortable?

No.

In fact, I, uh, never felt more comfortable

or more free...

in my entire life.

So, you enjoyed yourself.

Very much.

Jon, I have some friends that I would like you to meet.

Steve, you want to join us?

No... no, this is your journey.

You do it on your own.

[Jon] So, I headed out with Keith to meet a group of tuckers.

♪

This is our little playground.Oh, wow.

Pretty great, huh?

Nice.Yep.

This is where we come to be ourselves.

Got the foosball over here, obviously pool.

Hey, guys, how you doing?

That's our insignia logo, very proud of that.

Very cool.

Oh, here, here he is.Great bar, wow, beautiful.

Hey, nice to see you, how's it going?

Nice to see you-- good. Oh, this must be that new tucker

that you were talking about.Yep.

Nice to meet you, Jon.

Good to meet you as well.Thank you.

Uh, so, uh, so everybody here's, uh, is a tucker?

Yep.

You all seem so, uh...Normal?

Yeah.

Well, there's nothing abnormal about being a tucker, Jon.

Just because the world outside shuns us

doesn't mean that we should shun ourselves.

Sure.Jon Glaser?

Uh, yeah.Oh, I knew it...

from The Rocker.Wow, uh, deep cut.

Deep cut.

Are you gonna use this for your show?

I mean, we got a lot of super cool, sick gear here, uh...

Joe, why don't you show him that really cool wine opener

that you just got?

Whoa! Nice, man.Crushes bottles, crushes.

That thing is cool.

This, this brings an idea to mind.

We could use a celebrity spokesperson, Jon...

for the tuckers.

You could be our Ellen.

I-- I don't know, guys.Oh...

I told you... You haven't told your family yet have you?

Well, no, I mean, I just...

figured out I was a tucker, like, an hour ago.

[all talking at once]Guys, he just got here, okay?

Listen, let's give him a little bit of time to get comfortable,

okay, he's got to figure it out for himself, right?

He's on his own journey. Come on in, grab a drink, relax,

we'll talk about all this later, okay?

Sure.Yeah, have fun.

Yes, yes.Have fun.

All right.

♪

[Jon] I was pretty nervous at first,

but the guys made me feel so welcome,

that it was actually pretty easy

to finally drop, tuck, and roll right into my new lifestyle.

[applause]

Jon, everybody. Jon!

JG! JG!

[Jon] It didn't take long

to start feeling really comfortable,

since after all, I was among fellow tuckers.

[chuckles] Even the foosball goalie

was tucking!

[slurring] I want to raise a glass

to our new friend Jon.

He is a proud tucker for life! To Jon!

[all] Jon!

[Jon] After so many years of never knowing who I truly was,

it felt good to finally be home.

Huh, good day, right?

That's pretty fun.Let's...

What's going on? What are they doing?

Oh, they're just bumping tucks.

Bumping tucks?Yeah, it's like a fist bump,

high five, just celebratory kind of thing.

Oh, really?Yeah, want to give it a shot?

Uh, yeah, all right.Yeah.

Just bump and tuck?Just bump and tuck-- ready?

Oh!There you go!

Yeah, bump and tuck!

Bump and tuck? Bump and tuck?

There you go!

Want some of this?

Oh! Boom!Yeah!

We high fived, and we bump tucks!

[Jon] I was having a great time with my new friends,

but I needed to have a very difficult conversation

about tucking with somebody else--

my father.

I have something very important I need to tell you.

I have recently awakened to, um, to a personal truth.

Dad, I'm a tucker.

Well, well, well.

I've waited a long time for this day.

You have?I have.

I truly have.

We come from a long line of tuckers.

Yeah. Let me show you.

I was a tucker.Really?

Look at that.

I tucked at Woodstock the entire time Jimi Hendrix

played "The Star Spangled Banner".

And I never felt more patriotic in my life.

My father was a tucker.

That's grandpa?That's grandpa!

Is he the only tucker in his unit?

The only one.

His father... was a tucker.Whoa! Wow!

He was part of a gang called The Tammany Tuckers,

a glaring omission from that movie, "Gangs of New York".

This is a picture I took in Washington, DC,

when I was in high school.

The Tomb of the Unknown Tucker.

Dad, this is incredible. How far does this go back?

Here's something I found online.

Clearly, that caveman is tucking.

[softly] Mother tucker.

With every passing item my dad showed me,

I felt like I was taking one step closer to my destiny.

I knew what I had to do.

Okay, guys, uh, I wanted to talk to you all

because I have a very big announcement to make.

Before I do so, I bought a new dartboard for the club!

Yeah!Thanks, Jon!

Isn't that nice?[applause]

Thank you, buddy.All right, so...

I spoke to my family, spoke to my parents,

and I have made a decision.

[sighs]

[men gasp]

You got yourself a spokes-tucker!

[cheering and applause]I'm a celebrity!

I wanted a cause, and now I got one!

Say, yeah!

Ge--

Yeah! Yeah. Gear!

Whoo!

♪

Tim had never missed the mark with the megaphone before,

so I tucked on up to the bar to find out what was going down.

What's up, man? Everything okay?

You know, the megaphone didn't really, you know,

didn't come in with its usual authority.

Yeah, sorry, man, it just-- it's been a long day, you know?

So, you just, you're just tired, that's it?

I mean, you, you nail every time, man.

I mean, even when you had the flu one time,

it was like, boom.

You know, you know what the truth is, Jon?

I'm just not comfortable being part of a show

that promotes this kind of lifestyle.

This kind of lifestyle? You're talking about tucking?

If you're tucking...

I can't be a part of "Jon Glaser Loves Gear".

♪

Tim... Tim, are you serious?

Tim.

Tim, Tim!

Tim, come on, man, you can't quit! Tim!

Tim!

I'm a tucker, Tim!

[Jon] My plans of being the Ellen

of tucking had to be put on hold

while I found myself a new Tim.

The reason we're doing this today,

having these auditions, is the guy whose job it is...

We had a philosophical difference, sexual in nature...

I don't know if you're familiar with tucking?

Penis between the legs, pretend you have a vagina.

I'm digressing.

All right.

That was pretty good. It was a little casual.

[buzzer] Too casual.

Good. A little higher.

[buzzer] Too high.

Way too slow.

[buzzer] Too slow.

Maybe this'll help.

I ran the New York Marathon this year.

Ran the 'Thon!

I crossed that finish line, megaphone comes in.

If you're a crocodile and you see a gazelle

that's in the water and you just want to go get it.

No.[buzzer]

Not enough croc!Hold on, Bernie, seriously?

[buzzer] Seriously, Bernie?

A little slow. Too fast.

Too high. A little low.

No. No.

No. No.

No. No!

Thank you.

[sighs]

[Bleeps].

[Gear-i] How are the new Tim auditions?

I don't know, I mean,

some of them had the angle right,

but they didn't have the right aggression.

And some of them came in with the proper authority,

but they were too high or they were too low.

They all seemed fine to me.

I don't want fine. I want Tim.

It doesn't seem like it should be that hard.

I know, that's what's so great about Tim--

he nails it every single time.

You know, all of our megaphone people, they're all good...

You know, Brandon does a good job,

Sam does a good job when she fills in.

Brett was good too, but,

I was really hoping we'd find another Tim

in the auditions, but...

there is no other Tim, there's only Tim, and he is...

he's our best megaphone person.

[shouting from street]

What is that? You guys hear that?

What the [bleep]?

...he loves tucking, a lot!

You gotta be kidding me.

Unbelievable.

That's a nice megaphone, though.

Wait-- is that ours? Did he steal our megaphone?

Gear-i, you see that?

Yep, that's one of ours. What a jerk!

I don't know why Tim is doing this.

But I'm not going down without a tuck!

Jon Glaser likes gear. Jon Glaser loves tucking!

[Jon hissing camera clicks]

[Jon hissing camera clicks]

[Jon hissing camera clicks]

Jon Glaser is a tucker! Support tuckers' rights!

Support tuckers' rights!

Support tuckers' rights!

Hey.Hey.

Not much of a turnout.

A couple of people bailed last minute.

Sure. I totally believe that.

See you camped out overnight.

Going to the extreme. That's a nice tent, good gear.

You too, man. You look cool.

Thanks.

Been really excited about this outfit.

I got so much sweet stuff here-- check this thing out.

This is a buff-- looks like a bandana

but it's also a neck warmer,

it just looks cool with the-- the skulls and shit.

Nice-ass backpack, right?

I could put so much stuff in here.

I got all my protest stuff, like Kleenex, some snacks,

got a box of band-aids.

Of course I got my gallon of milk

in case I get pepper spray in my face.

Yeah.I also brought chocolate milk,

I just think it tastes better.

That way in case I get nailed and I'm like, ugh!

Give it a spray, be like, ugh!

Oh... mmm, oh...

Then, in case it was quiet, and there was down time

and time to kill, uh, I brought my book.

It's a great book if you want to check it out.

It's by Harper Perennial.

[deep voice] Cheap plug.

In case, like, shit went down, I brought, like,

a weapon for self-defense.

Oh...Remember this?

Yeah, I remember that, yeah.From the baseball episode

last season, this is for, like, pounding, beating up the mitt.

Yeah!Put it in the mitt!

Put it in the mitt!

So, whatever, you know, it's all my cool stuff and, uh, yeah.

So, how's everyone at the show?Tim, what are we doing here, man?

You're protesting me, I'm counter-protesting you.

It's not right, Tim!

Tim, we're a team!I know!

Then how do we make this right?

It was clear that me and Tim's relationship had taken a hit.

So, I turned to someone who had helped me many times before,

someone who had... emotional chops eye.

Emotional chops eye.[camera clicking]

I'm not protesting him.

I'm protesting what he does.

Well, just because we don't like something about our buddy

doesn't mean we still can't like them overall.

I just don't get it, is all.

There-- there's nothing to get, Tim.

I'm pretending that I have a vagina-- it's very simple.

What is even the big deal about it?

Tim, what is it about tucking that makes you so uncomfortable?

I'm a lifter.

What the hell is a lifter?

It's a person who likes to lift

their penis and scrotum... up.

Okay, and then what?

Nothing, just lift.

Hold on. So, you're a lifter,

but you have something against tucking?

There's at least a concept behind tucking.

You're not even doing anything.

You're just lifting and that's it?

I don't know, man,

it feels good!So what?

Yeah, and it's like--So what if it feels good?

So does mine!But your junk

goes down, right?But you're just lifting

and then that's it.Yeah!

So what? So, it's like...

This is a really good place to stop, you guys.

This is all valid.

We're just trying to find a really good common ground

to get you guys back on track, right?

How do we even do that?

I don't know.

We could... bump regulars?

I mean, I'm not sure, but...

at this point I'm willing to try almost anything.

[Jon] In this divided world

where people are pushed to extremes,

sometimes a little connection is all it takes

to make us realize that we're here to lift each other

to a better tomorrow,

to help each other tuck away our pain.

Only then can we truly change the world.

Come on, man, just, just lean into the bulge.

All right, all right...Just lean into the bulge.

I don't feel like this is working.

You're right, I'm not feeling it,

it doesn't feel right.

[sighs]

I got it. I got it.

Come on, Tim, let's get out of here!

I had the perfect brainstorm for tuckers and lifters

to come together for the greater good.

There was no time to lose!

Tuckers and lifters united

to end world hunger!

Tuckers and lifters united

to end world hunger!

[Jon] What an emotional roller coaster of an episode.

Wow, man. That felt so good.

Yeah, we did it.

From a journey of self-discovery

and saving an important friendship,

to the culmination of two very different groups of people

finding common ground by tucking away their differences,

lifting their spirits,

and coming together for a good cause.

Now, that's what I call chops eye.

Chops eye! [camera clicks]