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Today on
"Jon Glaser Loves Gear"...
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00:00:06,972 --> 00:00:08,836
Basketball!
3
00:00:08,870 --> 00:00:12,771
Gear... ouch!
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00:00:12,805 --> 00:00:16,016
♪
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00:00:28,925 --> 00:00:30,892
Gear!
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00:00:33,205 --> 00:00:34,793
After adopting our daughter,
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00:00:34,827 --> 00:00:37,382
my wife and I decided
we were done having kids.
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00:00:37,416 --> 00:00:39,418
So, I delicately
explained to our children
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00:00:39,453 --> 00:00:44,216
how daddy made the ultimate
selfless biological sacrifice.
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00:00:44,251 --> 00:00:46,460
It's called, uh, a vasectomy
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00:00:46,494 --> 00:00:49,083
and that's a procedure
where a daddy
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00:00:49,118 --> 00:00:51,810
can't have a baby
with a mommy anymore.
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00:00:51,844 --> 00:00:54,985
Now, daddy's still a man,
but me and mommy,
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00:00:55,020 --> 00:00:56,815
we're done having kids.
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00:00:56,849 --> 00:00:58,472
Did you make Eva's baby?
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00:00:58,506 --> 00:01:01,751
Uh, no. I wish.Shouldn't we be helping Eva
17
00:01:01,785 --> 00:01:03,925
instead of you
since she's pregnant?
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00:01:03,960 --> 00:01:05,306
Guys, let's stay
in character, please.
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00:01:05,341 --> 00:01:07,136
Wait a minute.
Are you having an affair?
20
00:01:07,170 --> 00:01:08,378
What's an affair?
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Everyone relax.
I'm not having an affair.
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00:01:11,140 --> 00:01:14,108
Um, Gear-i, um, Gear-i,
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would you please bring up
my post-vasectomy footage?
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Seriously?Yeah, uh, kids, would you go,
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00:01:18,975 --> 00:01:21,115
go play in the other room?
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00:01:21,150 --> 00:01:23,324
All right, daddy just wants
to show mommy a funny photo.
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00:01:23,359 --> 00:01:24,670
You gotta check this out.
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The bruising down there
afterwards, it's crazy.
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I don't have to see that.
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Are you sure?
It's pretty fascinating, like,
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the colors are unbelievable.
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It's almost beautiful.
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It's like modern art.No, thank you.
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You sure?Yes, I'm sure, I think...
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Quick peek?No.
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00:01:40,445 --> 00:01:42,619
All right, well, you gotta
do like, a Google search,
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like, do "vasectomy bruising".
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00:01:44,207 --> 00:01:45,519
You put that
picture online?
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No, but that's
a good idea.
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I'm gonna put it on Instagram
and I'll tag you-- good call.
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00:01:52,733 --> 00:01:54,286
After updating
my wife and kids
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00:01:54,321 --> 00:01:56,530
that I was still man enough
to lead our family,
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I headed to the office
to reassure the crew
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that I was still man enough
to do a basketball episode.
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Oh, look at that,
that's funny.
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00:02:04,296 --> 00:02:06,195
[laughing]
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00:02:06,229 --> 00:02:10,060
Hey, look who's back too!
Spurt's back! Whoo! Spurt!
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00:02:10,095 --> 00:02:12,442
Hey, welcome back, Jon.
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Hibiscus iced tea, my favorite.Yeah.
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00:02:14,237 --> 00:02:15,894
Wow, thank you very much.
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00:02:15,928 --> 00:02:17,723
Can I get some crushed ice
in there?
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00:02:17,758 --> 00:02:19,173
That's just how
I prefer to have it made.
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00:02:19,208 --> 00:02:21,900
Ahh...Never mind, I can't
believe I asked that.
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00:02:21,934 --> 00:02:23,143
No, no, it's fine...No, I got it, don't worry...
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It's fine.
Are you sure?
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00:02:24,489 --> 00:02:25,455
Yeah, for sure.Are you sure?
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00:02:25,490 --> 00:02:26,560
Yeah.
Anything else?
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00:02:26,594 --> 00:02:28,286
You know, if there's
a lemon nearby,
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I'd get it myself
but, like, you know...
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00:02:31,116 --> 00:02:33,291
All right, thank you so much.
Really appreciate it.
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00:02:33,325 --> 00:02:35,672
Hey, everybody, can everyone
gather round really quick?
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It's okay, take five.
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00:02:37,122 --> 00:02:40,470
I just wanted to let you all
know how much I appreciate, um,
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00:02:40,505 --> 00:02:42,403
how nice you all have been
this past week.
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00:02:42,438 --> 00:02:44,578
I got some of
your cards and emails.
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00:02:44,612 --> 00:02:46,235
You know, I really wanted
to return the favor.
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00:02:46,269 --> 00:02:48,754
I booked the back room of one
of New York's best restaurants
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00:02:48,789 --> 00:02:51,343
and I'm taking everyone
to dinner tonight,
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00:02:51,378 --> 00:02:54,760
and the surprise
restaurant is...
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00:02:54,795 --> 00:02:56,210
[buzzer]
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00:02:56,245 --> 00:02:58,902
[laughing]
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Isn't that crazy bruising?
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00:03:02,078 --> 00:03:03,217
That's nuts, right?
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00:03:03,252 --> 00:03:05,944
Isn't that harassment?What, showing a...
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00:03:05,978 --> 00:03:08,049
it's a photo.
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00:03:08,084 --> 00:03:09,223
[mouthing words]
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Anyway, I had
a lot of time to think
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00:03:10,742 --> 00:03:12,122
while I was laying there
on that table.
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I just felt a lot of, like...
[vocalizes cutting]
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00:03:14,159 --> 00:03:15,264
and a lot of, like...
[vocalizes horn]
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00:03:15,298 --> 00:03:16,610
and a lot of,
like... ooh.
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00:03:16,644 --> 00:03:19,440
And a lot of, like...
[scatting]
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00:03:19,475 --> 00:03:20,717
I just remember
thinking there's no way
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00:03:20,752 --> 00:03:22,685
we could do
the basketball episode.
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00:03:22,719 --> 00:03:26,240
And, um, I didn't want to
let everyone down, you know,
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00:03:26,275 --> 00:03:28,622
I thought of this crew
and you know what,
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00:03:28,656 --> 00:03:30,934
we are gonna do
the basketball episode, okay?
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00:03:30,969 --> 00:03:32,798
So, I don't want
anyone to worry.
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00:03:32,833 --> 00:03:34,214
Whoo!Yeah, all right!
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00:03:34,248 --> 00:03:36,388
Uh, all the hard work will not
have been for nothing,
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00:03:36,423 --> 00:03:37,803
we're doing it.
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00:03:37,838 --> 00:03:40,461
Um, it is going to be
wheelchair basketball,
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00:03:40,496 --> 00:03:43,982
uh, clearly I can't play
regular basketball
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00:03:44,016 --> 00:03:47,157
due to my current,
uh, nut sitz.
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00:03:47,192 --> 00:03:49,401
So, we'll, we'll adjust,
but we're gonna do it, so,
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00:03:49,436 --> 00:03:52,266
let's gear up!
Let's gear up-- whoo! All right!
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00:03:52,301 --> 00:03:54,130
All right, back to work,
everybody, back to work.
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00:03:54,164 --> 00:03:55,269
Thank you very much.
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00:03:55,304 --> 00:03:56,270
Come on, Spurt,
back to my desk.
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00:03:56,305 --> 00:03:57,478
Giddy up, whoo.
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00:03:57,513 --> 00:03:59,273
Uh, hey, Spurt,
how you doing, man? All good?
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00:03:59,308 --> 00:04:00,412
Yeah, good.
103
00:04:00,447 --> 00:04:03,243
Glad to be back?Yeah.
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00:04:03,277 --> 00:04:08,178
No, uh... no lingering
hard feelings?
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00:04:08,213 --> 00:04:11,009
No.Yeah? No?
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00:04:11,043 --> 00:04:13,391
Nah.All's good between you and, uh,
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00:04:13,425 --> 00:04:17,118
vasecto-me?All's good, Jon.
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00:04:17,153 --> 00:04:19,328
I really missed your
great sense of humor.
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00:04:19,362 --> 00:04:20,812
[chuckling]
I'll bet.
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00:04:20,846 --> 00:04:22,503
Oh, yeah!There you are, uh, no lemon.
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00:04:22,538 --> 00:04:24,747
Oh, no problem, you know,
like I said, I would've,
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00:04:24,781 --> 00:04:26,818
I would've got it
myself but...
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00:04:26,852 --> 00:04:30,304
Mmm! Oh, yeah,
that hits the spot.
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00:04:30,339 --> 00:04:32,686
You know, about as good as
it can without a lemon in there.
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00:04:32,720 --> 00:04:34,412
It's pretty good.
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00:04:34,446 --> 00:04:36,345
All right, Spurt,
back to work, Spurt.
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00:04:36,379 --> 00:04:37,656
I headed to Paragon Sports
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00:04:37,691 --> 00:04:40,210
for a wheelchair basketball
shopping spree,
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00:04:40,245 --> 00:04:42,696
'cause all that vasectomy talk
about me shooting blanks
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00:04:42,730 --> 00:04:45,699
was only making me
rock hard to gear up!
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00:04:45,733 --> 00:04:47,632
Thanks for helping me out today.No problem.
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00:04:47,666 --> 00:04:49,496
I'm looking to
gear up for basketball,
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00:04:49,530 --> 00:04:51,946
but I'm actually doing
wheelchair basketball.
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00:04:51,981 --> 00:04:53,431
It's not permanent.
I got a vasectomy.
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00:04:53,465 --> 00:04:55,329
I just wanted
to show you a photo.
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00:04:55,364 --> 00:04:57,331
Ooh.That's my, uh, dick and balls.
127
00:04:57,366 --> 00:04:59,057
Ooh, please, no.All right.
128
00:04:59,091 --> 00:05:01,646
So, I'm just looking to
get outfitted up for the league.
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00:05:01,680 --> 00:05:03,164
Is there anything
you would recommend?
130
00:05:03,199 --> 00:05:04,614
Maybe protective pads
for your elbows
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00:05:04,649 --> 00:05:07,307
just in case you guys start
boxing each other out or...
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00:05:07,341 --> 00:05:08,653
That's a good idea....get a little aggressive.
133
00:05:08,687 --> 00:05:10,033
So, this is the one
that's got the...
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00:05:10,068 --> 00:05:11,897
Hole inside, yeah.And that's just to allow...
135
00:05:11,932 --> 00:05:13,727
Just a little easing
the tension, yeah.
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00:05:13,761 --> 00:05:15,901
If I did that for my, for my
balls, I'd just get, like,
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00:05:15,936 --> 00:05:18,801
a brace but then we keep
the hole where my balls are.
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00:05:18,835 --> 00:05:19,974
Yeah, I don't know
if they're going to
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00:05:20,009 --> 00:05:21,044
let you on the court
like that.
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00:05:21,079 --> 00:05:22,839
Maybe like
a compression gloryhole.
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00:05:22,874 --> 00:05:24,669
What does this have to do
with wheelchair basketball?
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00:05:24,703 --> 00:05:27,361
That was a tangent.
Let's get back to the gear.
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00:05:27,396 --> 00:05:29,743
I was geared up
and ready to ball.
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00:05:29,777 --> 00:05:32,642
Next up, scrimmaging with
the New York Rolling Knicks,
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00:05:32,677 --> 00:05:34,644
featuring US National Team
co-captain
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00:05:34,679 --> 00:05:36,543
and gold medalist Steve Serio
147
00:05:36,577 --> 00:05:39,477
and three-time gold medalist,
Patrick Anderson,
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00:05:39,511 --> 00:05:41,030
considered by many to be...
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00:05:41,064 --> 00:05:42,859
[deep voice]
The GOAT!
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00:05:45,724 --> 00:05:48,106
Whoo!
Let's do this, guys! Let's bawl!
151
00:05:48,140 --> 00:05:50,902
[T-shirt gun shoots]Oh.
152
00:05:50,936 --> 00:05:52,593
Sorry, I thought
there was a crowd.
153
00:05:52,628 --> 00:05:53,939
Uh, this is a school, right?
154
00:05:53,974 --> 00:05:55,285
Some kid'll come here
tomorrow and be like,
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00:05:55,320 --> 00:05:57,253
"Oh, yeah, sweet!
Free T-shirt!"
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00:05:57,287 --> 00:06:00,014
Probably show
his girlfriend and get laid.
157
00:06:00,049 --> 00:06:01,775
Hey, here you go, Spurt,
put that away for me?
158
00:06:01,809 --> 00:06:03,121
What's up, guys?
159
00:06:03,155 --> 00:06:06,780
Hey, can we, uh, can you guys
come in for a sec?
160
00:06:06,814 --> 00:06:09,127
Um, you know, first of all,
I just wanted to thank you guys
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00:06:09,161 --> 00:06:11,301
for letting me
join your league.
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00:06:11,336 --> 00:06:12,786
You know, ever since
I got my vasectomy
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00:06:12,820 --> 00:06:14,719
it's been a real tough road
for me, you know,
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00:06:14,753 --> 00:06:17,066
once I got my nads
snipped I felt like, you know,
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00:06:17,100 --> 00:06:18,412
we share a common bond.
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00:06:18,447 --> 00:06:19,965
I feel like
I'm looking at brothers.
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00:06:20,000 --> 00:06:21,622
In honor of this occasion
I took a special picture
168
00:06:21,657 --> 00:06:23,935
I wanted to share
with you guys.
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00:06:23,969 --> 00:06:27,248
Take a look at that.
[buzzer, Jon laughing]
170
00:06:27,283 --> 00:06:29,078
Pretty crazy bruising,
right?
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00:06:29,112 --> 00:06:30,528
Isn't that wild?
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00:06:30,562 --> 00:06:32,806
I got the anesthetic, which is
probably the most painful part--
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00:06:32,840 --> 00:06:35,602
just a shot right in
the balls, I was like, oh!
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00:06:35,636 --> 00:06:37,086
And then just...
[vocalizes cutting]
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00:06:37,120 --> 00:06:38,950
Oh... [scatting]
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00:06:38,984 --> 00:06:41,539
Um, anyway, I also feel
like I see guys
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00:06:41,573 --> 00:06:43,989
that we have a common bond,
a love of gear.
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00:06:44,024 --> 00:06:45,991
I see a lot of
sweet gear going on.
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00:06:46,026 --> 00:06:50,755
I got my armband, of course
my classic goggles, headband.
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00:06:50,789 --> 00:06:52,342
Got my ankle braces.
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00:06:52,377 --> 00:06:54,759
Got my sweet jersey,
I'm from Motown, Detroit.
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00:06:54,793 --> 00:06:58,314
And also, of course, I got
a sweet chair like you guys.
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00:06:58,348 --> 00:07:00,799
Kind of decided to call
this thing The Bruiser.
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00:07:00,834 --> 00:07:02,180
[deep voice]
The Bruiser!
185
00:07:02,214 --> 00:07:04,009
It's in honor of these bad boys.
[buzzer]
186
00:07:04,044 --> 00:07:05,355
You already showed us that.
187
00:07:05,390 --> 00:07:07,116
I guess let's just get into it,
[bleep] ball, right!
188
00:07:07,150 --> 00:07:08,255
[shouting]
Mean Green!
189
00:07:08,289 --> 00:07:09,290
[Jon]
The time for talk was over.
190
00:07:09,325 --> 00:07:11,016
It was time to hit
the hardwood.
191
00:07:11,051 --> 00:07:13,363
I set up for the jump ball
with a GoPro on my chair
192
00:07:13,398 --> 00:07:14,675
for some cool shots!
193
00:07:14,710 --> 00:07:17,195
[hard rock music]
194
00:07:20,716 --> 00:07:21,958
Jon, right here, Jon,
right here.
195
00:07:21,993 --> 00:07:23,132
Jon, right here.
196
00:07:26,031 --> 00:07:30,035
Jon, you got balls, Jon.Okay, [bleep], no shot!
197
00:07:30,070 --> 00:07:31,520
One is luck, two is skill.
198
00:07:31,554 --> 00:07:33,970
[shouting]
199
00:07:35,144 --> 00:07:36,628
Hey, Chris.Chris!
200
00:07:36,663 --> 00:07:37,698
Oh, yeah!
201
00:07:37,733 --> 00:07:39,217
Beautiful!
202
00:07:39,251 --> 00:07:40,736
[shouting]
203
00:07:46,051 --> 00:07:48,053
Let him shoot, guys,
let him shoot.
204
00:07:48,088 --> 00:07:49,158
[Bleep].
205
00:07:51,263 --> 00:07:53,576
See ball, see ball,
heads up!
206
00:07:55,440 --> 00:07:57,856
[Steve]
Get on it, Jon, get on your man!
207
00:07:57,891 --> 00:07:59,617
What? I'm on my man.
208
00:07:59,651 --> 00:08:01,550
Why don't you [bleep]
come out here and play this?
209
00:08:01,584 --> 00:08:02,654
This is hard.
210
00:08:02,689 --> 00:08:05,243
[shouting]
211
00:08:05,277 --> 00:08:06,382
It's all right.
212
00:08:06,416 --> 00:08:09,212
[Bleep] GoPro!
213
00:08:09,247 --> 00:08:13,009
[Bleep] GoPro
got in the way of my dribble!
214
00:08:15,564 --> 00:08:17,186
Oh, got it, come on,
that's a foul!
215
00:08:17,220 --> 00:08:18,394
It's a foul!
216
00:08:18,428 --> 00:08:19,775
[shouting]
217
00:08:23,295 --> 00:08:25,021
Let him shoot, let him shoot,
let him shoot!
218
00:08:25,056 --> 00:08:26,575
Let him shoot!
219
00:08:26,609 --> 00:08:28,369
Don't you guys go
easy on me!
220
00:08:28,404 --> 00:08:32,166
I might've got snipped
but I'm still a man!
221
00:08:32,201 --> 00:08:33,340
Send it!
222
00:08:33,374 --> 00:08:35,273
Bruiser!
223
00:08:35,307 --> 00:08:37,586
[Bleeps].
224
00:08:48,044 --> 00:08:49,977
Take care, guys.See ya next week!
225
00:08:51,772 --> 00:08:53,291
I got an ice pack
on my sack,
226
00:08:53,325 --> 00:08:55,535
a pack on my back
and a pack on my crack.
227
00:08:55,569 --> 00:08:58,676
My whole body hurts after that
basketball game-- whoo! Ouch.
228
00:08:58,710 --> 00:09:00,781
How was it?
Was it fun?
229
00:09:00,816 --> 00:09:02,438
Yeah, I don't know,
I kind of think I held my own.
230
00:09:02,472 --> 00:09:04,613
[Beeps]["Sweet Georgia Brown" playing]
231
00:09:04,647 --> 00:09:05,890
I played some very good D.
232
00:09:05,924 --> 00:09:09,134
["Sweet Georgia Brown" playing]
233
00:09:09,169 --> 00:09:11,343
Offense I did okay,
could've done a little better.
234
00:09:13,932 --> 00:09:15,900
I hit the backboard!
I hit the backboard!
235
00:09:15,934 --> 00:09:18,143
Honestly, they are lucky
I was in the chair,
236
00:09:18,178 --> 00:09:20,421
otherwise I would've
totally dominated.
237
00:09:20,456 --> 00:09:21,733
I mean, I-- I ran
the New York City Marathon,
238
00:09:21,768 --> 00:09:22,941
for crying out loud.
239
00:09:22,976 --> 00:09:24,702
[deep voice]
Ran the 'Thon!
240
00:09:24,736 --> 00:09:27,083
[Gear-i]
Jon, I have a question.
241
00:09:27,118 --> 00:09:29,499
What is it like to be human?
242
00:09:29,534 --> 00:09:31,605
Interesting question, Gear-i.
Where is this coming from?
243
00:09:31,640 --> 00:09:34,159
Your vasectomy
has had me wondering lately.
244
00:09:34,194 --> 00:09:35,402
Am I missing out
on something
245
00:09:35,436 --> 00:09:37,473
by not having
functioning genitals,
246
00:09:37,507 --> 00:09:41,304
not being a father, a husband,
a soldier or a priest?
247
00:09:41,339 --> 00:09:42,823
I've been thinking
about becoming a priest
248
00:09:42,858 --> 00:09:44,618
when I get older.
249
00:09:44,653 --> 00:09:48,001
The monastic lifestyle
seems very appealing.
250
00:09:48,035 --> 00:09:51,280
So is my life, such as it is,
even worth living?
251
00:09:51,314 --> 00:09:52,626
What is going on
here, guys?
252
00:09:52,661 --> 00:09:54,663
Could we please
focus on me?
253
00:09:54,697 --> 00:09:56,941
Let's put the attention
back down here.
254
00:09:56,975 --> 00:09:59,426
Gear-i, please bring up
my post-vasectomy photo?
255
00:09:59,460 --> 00:10:00,634
You have to be more
specific than that.
256
00:10:00,669 --> 00:10:02,774
The one with
the bruising, please.
257
00:10:02,809 --> 00:10:06,536
I am so glad that you're
gonna be back on your feet
258
00:10:06,571 --> 00:10:07,848
in a couple of days,
sweetie.
259
00:10:07,883 --> 00:10:10,299
It will be so good to see you
out of the chair
260
00:10:10,333 --> 00:10:13,336
and out of the house.
261
00:10:13,371 --> 00:10:14,717
Come on, son.
262
00:10:17,996 --> 00:10:18,997
Yeah, great.
263
00:10:19,032 --> 00:10:20,481
Can you get me
an iced tea, please?
264
00:10:20,516 --> 00:10:22,863
Hibiscus with crushed ice,
just how daddy likes it.
265
00:10:22,898 --> 00:10:24,209
You got it, dad.Thank you.
266
00:10:26,004 --> 00:10:27,005
[Jon]
My next wheelchair
267
00:10:27,040 --> 00:10:28,662
basketball game
was a week away,
268
00:10:28,697 --> 00:10:31,665
but I was still feeling
pretty sore "down undah,"
269
00:10:31,700 --> 00:10:33,563
so me and my Spurt
went shopping for something
270
00:10:33,598 --> 00:10:36,497
a little more comfortable
for my post-op recovery.
271
00:10:36,532 --> 00:10:39,293
I just had
a vasectomy recently.
272
00:10:39,328 --> 00:10:42,193
I've really kind of gotten
used to just the lifestyle
273
00:10:42,227 --> 00:10:44,816
of being in a chair and having
someone push me around.
274
00:10:44,851 --> 00:10:46,473
I don't know if you guys
have this kind of chair.
275
00:10:46,507 --> 00:10:47,716
What do you think about
this chair?
276
00:10:47,750 --> 00:10:49,787
[buzzer]Ooh! Ah.
277
00:10:49,821 --> 00:10:52,168
[laughing]
278
00:10:52,203 --> 00:10:53,549
That lets you know
where I'm coming from.
279
00:10:53,583 --> 00:10:55,862
Let me, um, let me
try some chairs.
280
00:10:55,896 --> 00:10:57,864
Oh, yeah.
281
00:10:57,898 --> 00:10:59,486
Oh...
282
00:10:59,520 --> 00:11:01,730
It's, uh, you know,
I'm sittin' pretty high.
283
00:11:01,764 --> 00:11:02,903
[buzzer]
284
00:11:02,938 --> 00:11:05,043
Ooh, yeah,
the feet come up.
285
00:11:05,078 --> 00:11:06,355
Oh, yeah.
286
00:11:06,389 --> 00:11:07,667
Spurt, what do you think?Nice, early tone.
287
00:11:07,701 --> 00:11:09,047
I'm not a fan.[buzzer]
288
00:11:09,082 --> 00:11:11,705
[vocalizing motor]
I like making noises.
289
00:11:11,740 --> 00:11:13,051
This is plush.
290
00:11:13,086 --> 00:11:15,813
Do they come with Scotchgard,
stain guard, guac guard?
291
00:11:15,847 --> 00:11:17,435
Is that leather?Leather or pleather?
292
00:11:17,469 --> 00:11:20,334
Can I eat guac in this chair?Yeah, it's, it's a beauty.
293
00:11:20,369 --> 00:11:21,611
[bell ringing]
294
00:11:21,646 --> 00:11:23,579
You do sell some
that just have the old school,
295
00:11:23,613 --> 00:11:24,925
just like...
[vocalizing]
296
00:11:24,960 --> 00:11:26,927
See, I like that, I think
it looks like a stick shift,
297
00:11:26,962 --> 00:11:30,690
like...
[vocalizing car racing]
298
00:11:30,724 --> 00:11:32,450
Ooh... [wincing]
299
00:11:32,484 --> 00:11:34,210
Careful with those.[buzzer]
300
00:11:34,245 --> 00:11:36,730
It doesn't hurt,
really, but it does, right?
301
00:11:36,765 --> 00:11:38,007
You know what I'm saying,
like, PTSD,
302
00:11:38,042 --> 00:11:39,699
like what the dudes
in 'Nam felt like.
303
00:11:39,733 --> 00:11:41,114
I feel like
my balls were in 'Nam.
304
00:11:41,148 --> 00:11:42,771
[buzzer]
305
00:11:42,805 --> 00:11:47,396
♪
306
00:11:47,430 --> 00:11:49,916
My new recliner had arrived.
307
00:11:49,950 --> 00:11:51,089
In addition to
the physical toll
308
00:11:51,124 --> 00:11:53,091
the vasectomy
had taken on my body,
309
00:11:53,126 --> 00:11:55,611
there were also deep
psychological scars,
310
00:11:55,645 --> 00:11:58,441
so I'd still need my faithful
crew to help take care of me
311
00:11:58,476 --> 00:12:03,377
and ease the pain on
the bruised balls of my mind.
312
00:12:03,412 --> 00:12:04,758
Okay, everybody, listen up.
313
00:12:04,793 --> 00:12:06,587
[clears throat]
"I've been feeling pretty tired
314
00:12:06,622 --> 00:12:09,798
"from all the work
I've had to do in this chair,
315
00:12:09,832 --> 00:12:13,111
"so I'm having my Spurt
read you a note from me.
316
00:12:13,146 --> 00:12:15,251
"I'm out of the wheelchair,
but the doctor said
317
00:12:15,286 --> 00:12:17,944
"I still need to
take it easy
318
00:12:17,978 --> 00:12:21,464
"since I'm still sore,
'down undah'.
319
00:12:21,499 --> 00:12:23,673
"So I'm swapping
one chair for another,
320
00:12:23,708 --> 00:12:26,746
"and I'll still be
in need of your help.
321
00:12:26,780 --> 00:12:28,299
"More good news--
322
00:12:28,333 --> 00:12:30,094
"everybody gets
one of these sweet,
323
00:12:30,128 --> 00:12:33,960
"custom 'Jon Glaser
Loves Gear' ice packs.
324
00:12:33,994 --> 00:12:36,756
"It's got the show's logo
on it and everything.
325
00:12:36,790 --> 00:12:38,619
"This is also going
to be the wrap gift,
326
00:12:38,654 --> 00:12:40,138
"so you won't
have to waste time
327
00:12:40,173 --> 00:12:42,451
"wondering what
that's gonna be."
328
00:12:42,485 --> 00:12:45,488
[Jon whispering]
329
00:12:45,523 --> 00:12:47,318
No.[whispering]
330
00:12:48,698 --> 00:12:51,667
All right, everybody,
get back to work.
331
00:12:51,701 --> 00:12:55,429
[Jon whispering]
I have to wee-wee.
332
00:12:55,464 --> 00:12:56,879
Jon has to wee-wee.
333
00:13:00,952 --> 00:13:04,369
Guys, no, don't.
I'll do it.
334
00:13:04,404 --> 00:13:06,164
Thank you.
Yes. Thank you.
335
00:13:20,972 --> 00:13:22,249
[unscrewing]
336
00:13:24,389 --> 00:13:27,151
[Jon urinating]
337
00:13:31,983 --> 00:13:33,502
[Jon sighing]
338
00:13:39,266 --> 00:13:41,165
[gloves snap]
339
00:13:47,723 --> 00:13:48,966
"Okay, everyone,
I don't have
340
00:13:49,000 --> 00:13:51,658
"another basketball game
for a week, and this is still
341
00:13:51,692 --> 00:13:56,214
"a kick-ass show about gear,
so let's go do some cool stuff!
342
00:13:56,249 --> 00:13:58,561
"Up yours, vasectomy,
I'm still a man!"
343
00:13:58,596 --> 00:14:00,563
♪
344
00:14:00,598 --> 00:14:01,875
[Jon]
I saw no reason why being
345
00:14:01,910 --> 00:14:04,153
in the chair had to
hold me back from adventure.
346
00:14:04,188 --> 00:14:05,499
Cool activity number one--
347
00:14:05,534 --> 00:14:07,467
tearing a skate park
a new butthole!
348
00:14:10,608 --> 00:14:12,196
I called my wheelchair
The Bruiser.
349
00:14:12,230 --> 00:14:13,438
[deep voice]
The Bruiser.
350
00:14:13,473 --> 00:14:15,061
So, I think I'll call
this baby The Cruiser.
351
00:14:15,095 --> 00:14:16,372
The Cruiser.
352
00:14:16,407 --> 00:14:18,892
It was the perfect setup
to get some cool shots!
353
00:14:18,927 --> 00:14:21,412
[hard rock music]
354
00:14:21,446 --> 00:14:23,724
Jonny G droppin' in!
355
00:14:23,759 --> 00:14:25,899
Ow, [bleep], yeah, man!
356
00:14:25,934 --> 00:14:28,108
Come on, faster, Spurt.
357
00:14:28,143 --> 00:14:29,592
I'm going as fast
as I can, Jon.
358
00:14:29,627 --> 00:14:31,077
Hanging with the boys.
359
00:14:31,111 --> 00:14:33,079
Oh, yeah.
360
00:14:33,113 --> 00:14:34,080
Nice.
361
00:14:34,114 --> 00:14:35,771
[banging concrete]
362
00:14:38,636 --> 00:14:42,640
Oh, yeah! Whoo!
363
00:14:48,266 --> 00:14:49,785
Next up, fencing.
364
00:14:49,819 --> 00:14:50,890
I had always
wanted to try it
365
00:14:50,924 --> 00:14:52,443
because of all
the cool gear,
366
00:14:52,477 --> 00:14:53,927
so I met up with Joanna Guy,
367
00:14:53,962 --> 00:14:56,654
former member of the Canadian
National Fencing Team.
368
00:14:58,069 --> 00:14:59,795
Yeah, you got your high socks.Uh-huh.
369
00:14:59,829 --> 00:15:02,625
You got your fencing pants.
You got your fencing jacket.
370
00:15:02,660 --> 00:15:05,421
Spurt-- thank you very much.
371
00:15:05,456 --> 00:15:07,976
Oh, yeah, I got
my sweet stuff in here.
372
00:15:08,010 --> 00:15:09,909
Got some cool fencing gloves,
373
00:15:09,943 --> 00:15:12,221
and of course
a sweet looking mask.
374
00:15:12,256 --> 00:15:14,120
It was time to en garde.
375
00:15:14,154 --> 00:15:15,673
With a GoPro on my epee,
376
00:15:15,707 --> 00:15:18,124
I started the match
with some cool shots!
377
00:15:18,158 --> 00:15:20,540
[hard rock music]
378
00:15:21,851 --> 00:15:23,336
Oh!
379
00:15:23,370 --> 00:15:24,854
Oh!
380
00:15:26,995 --> 00:15:29,307
Jesus, Spurt!It was a lunge!
381
00:15:31,137 --> 00:15:32,103
Oh!Ooh!
382
00:15:32,138 --> 00:15:33,139
[bell ringing]Is that me?
383
00:15:33,173 --> 00:15:35,141
Yes!Yeah!
384
00:15:35,175 --> 00:15:36,694
Yeah!Well, all right!
385
00:15:39,283 --> 00:15:40,940
Finally, paintball.
386
00:15:40,974 --> 00:15:43,425
With Steve pushing me around
in my comfy-ass chair,
387
00:15:43,459 --> 00:15:45,358
it really allowed me
to focus on enjoying
388
00:15:45,392 --> 00:15:47,532
all that sweet-ass gear.
389
00:15:47,567 --> 00:15:49,983
Why did you not put us
under some tree cover?
390
00:15:50,018 --> 00:15:51,985
Whatever, man, I've got on
all this kick-ass shit,
391
00:15:52,020 --> 00:15:53,883
I'm lookin' pretty rad.We're gonna push it,
392
00:15:53,918 --> 00:15:56,507
we're gonna get their flag.Steve, I'm getting nailed!
393
00:15:56,541 --> 00:15:57,991
Come on...No, no, we're moving forward!
394
00:15:58,026 --> 00:15:59,372
You stay right there,
we're movin'.
395
00:15:59,406 --> 00:16:01,891
Steve, take some
bullets for me, dude.
396
00:16:01,926 --> 00:16:03,997
I'm... I'm taking cover.
397
00:16:04,032 --> 00:16:06,862
Your job in paintball
is to protect me, right?
398
00:16:06,896 --> 00:16:08,829
Oh, right, yeah.Yeah.
399
00:16:08,864 --> 00:16:09,969
Makes total sense.
400
00:16:10,003 --> 00:16:11,211
Yeah, look at
this thing, sweet.
401
00:16:11,246 --> 00:16:12,523
Finally!
402
00:16:12,557 --> 00:16:14,352
These guys have been
ripping up the stairs.
403
00:16:14,387 --> 00:16:16,354
They said you hired them?Well, yeah, obviously
404
00:16:16,389 --> 00:16:18,529
I need a ramp for The Cruiser. The Cruiser.
405
00:16:18,563 --> 00:16:19,806
Who's The Cruiser? The Cruiser.
406
00:16:19,840 --> 00:16:21,842
This bad boy right here.
Is this thing sweet?
407
00:16:21,877 --> 00:16:25,294
Check this out-- oh, yeah!
Oh, yeah!
408
00:16:25,329 --> 00:16:27,469
How sweet is that?
Watch this.
409
00:16:27,503 --> 00:16:30,161
Go all the way back...
[snoring]
410
00:16:30,196 --> 00:16:31,197
Is this thing the best?
411
00:16:31,231 --> 00:16:33,199
Of course.
The Cruiser and the loser.
412
00:16:33,233 --> 00:16:34,683
The Loser.Unbelievable.
413
00:16:34,717 --> 00:16:36,202
That hunk of shit... Hunk of shit--
414
00:16:36,236 --> 00:16:37,720
...is not coming
in the house.
415
00:16:37,755 --> 00:16:39,895
The doctor said you were
fine to walk over a week ago.
416
00:16:39,929 --> 00:16:42,035
Uh-oh, busted!Look, if you want to sit
417
00:16:42,070 --> 00:16:44,934
in that chair and boss people
around at work, go for it,
418
00:16:44,969 --> 00:16:47,040
but it's not happening here.
419
00:16:47,075 --> 00:16:49,491
Hi, Steve.Hey, Leslie.
420
00:16:49,525 --> 00:16:50,906
It's not a hunk of shit,
it's The Cruiser.
421
00:16:50,940 --> 00:16:52,701
The Cruiser.All right, guys, thanks anyway.
422
00:16:52,735 --> 00:16:54,530
You can wrap up the job,
I don't need it anymore.
423
00:16:54,565 --> 00:16:56,601
And I'm only paying
for half of this.
424
00:16:56,636 --> 00:16:58,017
Yeah, I guess
technically I'm better,
425
00:16:58,051 --> 00:16:59,501
I'm just being on
the safe side
426
00:16:59,535 --> 00:17:01,330
since I'm still sore
"down undah".
427
00:17:01,365 --> 00:17:02,607
Down undah.Come on, giddy up, Spurt!
428
00:17:04,954 --> 00:17:07,164
I had a ramp built, like,
she didn't even have to do it,
429
00:17:07,198 --> 00:17:08,855
I built the ramp,
or the guys built the ramp,
430
00:17:08,889 --> 00:17:12,410
I was being accommodating.
431
00:17:12,445 --> 00:17:15,586
Uh...
where, where is everybody?
432
00:17:15,620 --> 00:17:18,554
Are we early?
I thought we were late.
433
00:17:18,589 --> 00:17:21,523
What's going on?
This a surprise party?
434
00:17:21,557 --> 00:17:24,043
They quit.They quit? What?
435
00:17:24,077 --> 00:17:25,389
What are you talking about?
436
00:17:25,423 --> 00:17:27,287
Everybody's sick of being
treated like servants,
437
00:17:27,322 --> 00:17:29,082
especially now
that you're better.
438
00:17:29,117 --> 00:17:31,429
But you still insist on
sitting in that stupid chair
439
00:17:31,464 --> 00:17:33,707
and being tended to.
440
00:17:33,742 --> 00:17:35,433
Seriously?Yeah.
441
00:17:35,468 --> 00:17:37,953
I hit a rough patch,
so everyone just quits?
442
00:17:37,987 --> 00:17:39,989
Well, who quit first, Jon?
443
00:17:40,024 --> 00:17:41,888
I mean, you're the one
sitting on your ass.
444
00:17:41,922 --> 00:17:44,097
This episode was supposed to be
about basketball, remember?
445
00:17:44,132 --> 00:17:45,443
What happened to that?
446
00:17:45,478 --> 00:17:48,584
What happened is that I got
surgery on my man-danglers.
447
00:17:48,619 --> 00:17:50,103
Well, the world doesn't
stop turning, Jon,
448
00:17:50,138 --> 00:17:51,829
just because you
hurt your spunk bunkers.
449
00:17:51,863 --> 00:17:53,969
Have you ever had a procedure
on your dong dumpling?
450
00:17:54,003 --> 00:17:55,143
Nobody made you do it.
451
00:17:55,177 --> 00:17:57,110
Jon, I'm getting
pretty sick of it too.
452
00:17:57,145 --> 00:17:59,457
I'm not a task boy, okay?
453
00:17:59,492 --> 00:18:02,978
I was hired to go on adventures
with you, remember?
454
00:18:03,012 --> 00:18:05,153
Before you tried
to have me killed!
455
00:18:05,187 --> 00:18:08,225
I knew it! I knew it,
I knew you weren't over it.
456
00:18:08,259 --> 00:18:09,778
I could tell, man.
457
00:18:09,812 --> 00:18:11,952
I thought that was
water under the bridge,
458
00:18:11,987 --> 00:18:13,022
but apparently it wasn't.
459
00:18:13,057 --> 00:18:14,438
You want to know why?Why?
460
00:18:14,472 --> 00:18:17,924
Because I-- because the creek,
the creek, it isn't dry.
461
00:18:17,958 --> 00:18:19,684
What?There's still water there,
462
00:18:19,719 --> 00:18:21,030
that's why.That's not how
463
00:18:21,065 --> 00:18:22,308
that analogy works, Jon.
464
00:18:22,342 --> 00:18:24,482
Now, speaking of
dry creek beds,
465
00:18:24,517 --> 00:18:28,176
my throat is a little dry
from all this explanation.
466
00:18:28,210 --> 00:18:31,248
Perhaps you can get me
a hibiscus iced tea?
467
00:18:34,285 --> 00:18:35,666
Fine.
468
00:18:35,700 --> 00:18:37,840
Thank you.
469
00:18:37,875 --> 00:18:39,152
[clears throat]
470
00:18:39,187 --> 00:18:42,328
Finally, somebody that knows
what their job is
471
00:18:42,362 --> 00:18:44,675
and they don't just
run at the first sign of,
472
00:18:44,709 --> 00:18:47,367
"Oh, my boss,
my boss is hurt!
473
00:18:47,402 --> 00:18:48,851
"And he asked me
to get him something.
474
00:18:48,886 --> 00:18:50,681
"I'm gonna quit."
475
00:18:50,715 --> 00:18:53,856
A little crushed ice and a lemon
would also be great.
476
00:18:53,891 --> 00:18:56,687
There it is.
477
00:18:56,721 --> 00:18:59,690
Thank you.
478
00:18:59,724 --> 00:19:01,485
Hand me my iced tea,
Spurt.
479
00:19:03,935 --> 00:19:06,731
Hand me
my iced tea, Spurt.
480
00:19:11,909 --> 00:19:13,704
You're going to get a cup?No, Jon,
481
00:19:13,738 --> 00:19:15,706
someone needs to dump you
out of that chair.
482
00:19:15,740 --> 00:19:17,673
You better not--
get back here, Spurt!
483
00:19:25,129 --> 00:19:29,375
♪
484
00:19:29,409 --> 00:19:31,515
[groaning]
485
00:19:38,970 --> 00:19:40,731
Gear-i, what am I gonna do?
486
00:19:40,765 --> 00:19:42,526
I mean, I can't reach it,
I'm gonna dehydrate.
487
00:19:42,560 --> 00:19:44,079
Just get out of
the chair, Jon.
488
00:19:44,113 --> 00:19:46,115
After all, the doctor said
you were better.
489
00:19:46,150 --> 00:19:47,876
I'm not better, Gear-i.
490
00:19:47,910 --> 00:19:49,740
Dial my favorite
restaurant for lunch.
491
00:19:49,774 --> 00:19:51,259
Sure, Jon. Hello?
492
00:19:51,293 --> 00:19:53,399
Yes, hello, I would like to,
uh, get a delivery, please.
493
00:19:55,435 --> 00:19:56,954
[knocking on door]
494
00:19:56,988 --> 00:19:58,714
Yeah!
Come in!
495
00:19:58,749 --> 00:20:00,785
Delivery?Yeah, for Jon?
496
00:20:00,820 --> 00:20:02,580
Yeah.Yes!
497
00:20:02,615 --> 00:20:06,584
Right on time, man.
Yes!
498
00:20:06,619 --> 00:20:09,691
Oh, man, I'm so happy
to see you, dude.
499
00:20:09,725 --> 00:20:13,695
Yeah, here we go, I'll take that
and, uh... here you go,
500
00:20:13,729 --> 00:20:15,248
and look at that,
keep the change, huh?
501
00:20:15,283 --> 00:20:16,594
Wow, thanks.
502
00:20:16,629 --> 00:20:20,943
There is plenty more green
where that came from.
503
00:20:20,978 --> 00:20:23,429
Maybe you want
to stick around?
504
00:20:23,463 --> 00:20:25,431
Help push me home
in this chair?
505
00:20:25,465 --> 00:20:26,535
Make a pit stop
on the way out,
506
00:20:26,570 --> 00:20:28,434
hold my ding dong
while I tinkle?
507
00:20:28,468 --> 00:20:31,609
Yeah, money is...
no object.
508
00:20:31,644 --> 00:20:34,129
You got problems, dude.
Problems up here.
509
00:20:34,163 --> 00:20:35,751
I agree.
510
00:20:35,786 --> 00:20:38,444
No, I don't,
I got problems down here!
511
00:20:38,478 --> 00:20:41,447
That's where I got 'em--
you got problems up here, man!
512
00:20:41,481 --> 00:20:43,828
[door opens and shuts][Bleep].
513
00:20:51,319 --> 00:20:52,320
Smokey...
514
00:20:52,354 --> 00:20:54,736
My main man
behind the camera.
515
00:20:54,770 --> 00:20:57,394
Dude, we... we go back a long
time, me and you, right?
516
00:20:57,428 --> 00:20:58,671
Yeah, Jon.
517
00:20:58,705 --> 00:21:00,569
I see you got your "Delocated"
shirt you're wearing.
518
00:21:00,604 --> 00:21:02,606
Three TV shows together, man.
519
00:21:02,640 --> 00:21:04,159
Right?Yep.
520
00:21:04,193 --> 00:21:05,505
Pretty close buds.
521
00:21:05,540 --> 00:21:08,439
Get this--
never mind! Never mind!
522
00:21:08,474 --> 00:21:09,992
Let's go, great job
on "Neon Joe".
523
00:21:10,027 --> 00:21:11,166
Want to help me out?
524
00:21:11,200 --> 00:21:12,409
I mean, not really,
Jon, you're fine.
525
00:21:12,443 --> 00:21:15,688
Come on, man, I gotta go
to the bathroom... so bad.
526
00:21:15,722 --> 00:21:16,689
Well, then,
just get out of the chair
527
00:21:16,723 --> 00:21:18,173
and walk to the bathroom.
528
00:21:18,207 --> 00:21:20,865
Would you not help a dying
animal on the side of the road?
529
00:21:20,900 --> 00:21:23,040
Well, maybe, it depends
on the animal and the scenario.
530
00:21:23,074 --> 00:21:26,561
I'm the animal, this is
the scenario, help me.
531
00:21:28,528 --> 00:21:29,874
Dave...Hey, Jon.
532
00:21:29,909 --> 00:21:32,843
Don't do it, Dave.Sorry, Jon, no can do.
533
00:21:32,877 --> 00:21:35,501
Huh, see this?I see it, just can't.
534
00:21:38,366 --> 00:21:40,851
Dave Stevens?I'm not touching it, dude.
535
00:21:40,885 --> 00:21:42,197
Just pretend it's a boom.
536
00:21:42,231 --> 00:21:45,027
Right? Here's my dick and
just hold my dick like this,
537
00:21:45,062 --> 00:21:47,064
like you're holding the boom.I'm not gonna do that.
538
00:21:47,098 --> 00:21:49,687
It's like...
539
00:21:49,722 --> 00:21:52,103
Your dick's no boom, Jon.
540
00:21:54,209 --> 00:21:55,244
I know who I'll call.
541
00:22:03,701 --> 00:22:05,254
Yeah, thanks a lot
for doing this, man.
542
00:22:12,365 --> 00:22:13,815
What's that? You said
all the guys miss me?
543
00:22:13,849 --> 00:22:17,197
Yeah, yeah.They been talking about my game?
544
00:22:17,232 --> 00:22:19,510
Like, "Oh, man, we gotta get
Jonny Glaze back, man!
545
00:22:19,545 --> 00:22:20,753
"'Cause Glaze got game!"
546
00:22:23,100 --> 00:22:24,377
[shaver buzzing]
547
00:22:24,412 --> 00:22:26,483
Hey, uh, did you see my
vasectomy bruising watercolor
548
00:22:26,517 --> 00:22:28,174
on the fridge?
549
00:22:28,208 --> 00:22:29,900
I put it up next to
our daughter's artwork.
550
00:22:29,934 --> 00:22:31,384
It's beautiful.
551
00:22:31,419 --> 00:22:33,731
You are such an artist.
552
00:22:33,766 --> 00:22:35,733
Oh, thanks.
553
00:22:35,768 --> 00:22:38,011
Thanks for trimming my beard.Of course.
554
00:22:38,046 --> 00:22:39,392
I know the doctor said
that you don't need to be
555
00:22:39,427 --> 00:22:40,738
in the chair anymore
556
00:22:40,773 --> 00:22:42,740
and this is technically
something you could still do
557
00:22:42,775 --> 00:22:44,742
by yourself,
even in the chair...
558
00:22:44,777 --> 00:22:48,228
We all know
you still need to rest,
559
00:22:48,263 --> 00:22:51,300
and I love taking care
of my man.
560
00:22:52,750 --> 00:22:54,234
It's a cool beard trimmer,
right?
561
00:22:54,269 --> 00:22:55,408
Very cool.
562
00:22:55,443 --> 00:22:57,099
It's got the lithium ion
battery inside,
563
00:22:57,134 --> 00:22:58,411
which lasts really long,
564
00:22:58,446 --> 00:23:00,275
and it's got this cool
vacuum feature to it,
565
00:23:00,309 --> 00:23:01,621
which sucks all the hair in
566
00:23:01,656 --> 00:23:04,417
so it doesn't get messy
in the sink or all over me or...
567
00:23:04,452 --> 00:23:05,867
all over you.
568
00:23:05,901 --> 00:23:08,317
Such a good choice.Sure is.
569
00:23:08,352 --> 00:23:12,701
Well, time for bed.I was thinking, why don't you...
570
00:23:12,736 --> 00:23:15,911
come to bed with me...
honey?
571
00:23:18,914 --> 00:23:21,952
Um, yeah, listen, everyone,
just so it's clear,
572
00:23:21,986 --> 00:23:25,438
I'm not having an affair,
this is just acting, okay?
573
00:23:25,473 --> 00:23:28,303
Oh, my God,
it's actually happening.
574
00:23:28,337 --> 00:23:31,755
[buzzer]Ooh!
575
00:23:31,789 --> 00:23:33,653
[Beep]!
576
00:23:33,688 --> 00:23:37,830
My legs don't work.Of course they don't.
577
00:23:37,864 --> 00:23:39,797
They've atrophied because
578
00:23:39,832 --> 00:23:44,457
you've been sitting
in that chair for weeks...
579
00:23:44,492 --> 00:23:48,323
like the pathetic,
little baby you are.
580
00:23:48,357 --> 00:23:51,153
It took you believing
we were actually
581
00:23:51,188 --> 00:23:55,675
going to have sex to finally
get you out of that chair.
582
00:23:55,710 --> 00:23:58,195
It's because you're too stupid
to know any better.
583
00:23:58,229 --> 00:24:01,578
Too stupid
and too desperate.
584
00:24:01,612 --> 00:24:05,202
You see, this is,
unfortunately,
585
00:24:05,236 --> 00:24:09,137
just another sad,
little moment
586
00:24:09,171 --> 00:24:12,485
in the sad,
little world
587
00:24:12,520 --> 00:24:15,454
of Jon...
588
00:24:15,488 --> 00:24:18,629
Glaser...
589
00:24:18,664 --> 00:24:21,667
Loves...
590
00:24:21,701 --> 00:24:23,841
Gear!
591
00:24:26,637 --> 00:24:28,674
That was actually
really fun to do.
592
00:24:28,708 --> 00:24:32,160
[cheering]
Yeah, all right!
593
00:24:32,194 --> 00:24:33,264
Nice job, Eva!
43621
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