Original subtitles

Today on "Jon Glaser Loves Gear"...

Basketball!

Gear... ouch!

♪

Gear!

After adopting our daughter,

my wife and I decided we were done having kids.

So, I delicately explained to our children

how daddy made the ultimate selfless biological sacrifice.

It's called, uh, a vasectomy

and that's a procedure where a daddy

can't have a baby with a mommy anymore.

Now, daddy's still a man, but me and mommy,

we're done having kids.

Did you make Eva's baby?

Uh, no. I wish.Shouldn't we be helping Eva

instead of you since she's pregnant?

Guys, let's stay in character, please.

Wait a minute. Are you having an affair?

What's an affair?

Everyone relax. I'm not having an affair.

Um, Gear-i, um, Gear-i,

would you please bring up my post-vasectomy footage?

Seriously?Yeah, uh, kids, would you go,

go play in the other room?

All right, daddy just wants to show mommy a funny photo.

You gotta check this out.

The bruising down there afterwards, it's crazy.

I don't have to see that.

Are you sure? It's pretty fascinating, like,

the colors are unbelievable.

It's almost beautiful.

It's like modern art.No, thank you.

You sure?Yes, I'm sure, I think...

Quick peek?No.

All right, well, you gotta do like, a Google search,

like, do "vasectomy bruising".

You put that picture online?

No, but that's a good idea.

I'm gonna put it on Instagram and I'll tag you-- good call.

After updating my wife and kids

that I was still man enough to lead our family,

I headed to the office to reassure the crew

that I was still man enough to do a basketball episode.

Oh, look at that, that's funny.

[laughing]

Hey, look who's back too! Spurt's back! Whoo! Spurt!

Hey, welcome back, Jon.

Hibiscus iced tea, my favorite.Yeah.

Wow, thank you very much.

Can I get some crushed ice in there?

That's just how I prefer to have it made.

Ahh...Never mind, I can't believe I asked that.

No, no, it's fine...No, I got it, don't worry...

It's fine. Are you sure?

Yeah, for sure.Are you sure?

Yeah. Anything else?

You know, if there's a lemon nearby,

I'd get it myself but, like, you know...

All right, thank you so much. Really appreciate it.

Hey, everybody, can everyone gather round really quick?

It's okay, take five.

I just wanted to let you all know how much I appreciate, um,

how nice you all have been this past week.

I got some of your cards and emails.

You know, I really wanted to return the favor.

I booked the back room of one of New York's best restaurants

and I'm taking everyone to dinner tonight,

and the surprise restaurant is...

[buzzer]

[laughing]

Isn't that crazy bruising?

That's nuts, right?

Isn't that harassment?What, showing a...

it's a photo.

[mouthing words]

Anyway, I had a lot of time to think

while I was laying there on that table.

I just felt a lot of, like... [vocalizes cutting]

and a lot of, like... [vocalizes horn]

and a lot of, like... ooh.

And a lot of, like... [scatting]

I just remember thinking there's no way

we could do the basketball episode.

And, um, I didn't want to let everyone down, you know,

I thought of this crew and you know what,

we are gonna do the basketball episode, okay?

So, I don't want anyone to worry.

Whoo!Yeah, all right!

Uh, all the hard work will not have been for nothing,

we're doing it.

Um, it is going to be wheelchair basketball,

uh, clearly I can't play regular basketball

due to my current, uh, nut sitz.

So, we'll, we'll adjust, but we're gonna do it, so,

let's gear up! Let's gear up-- whoo! All right!

All right, back to work, everybody, back to work.

Thank you very much.

Come on, Spurt, back to my desk.

Giddy up, whoo.

Uh, hey, Spurt, how you doing, man? All good?

Yeah, good.

Glad to be back?Yeah.

No, uh... no lingering hard feelings?

No.Yeah? No?

Nah.All's good between you and, uh,

vasecto-me?All's good, Jon.

I really missed your great sense of humor.

[chuckling] I'll bet.

Oh, yeah!There you are, uh, no lemon.

Oh, no problem, you know, like I said, I would've,

I would've got it myself but...

Mmm! Oh, yeah, that hits the spot.

You know, about as good as it can without a lemon in there.

It's pretty good.

All right, Spurt, back to work, Spurt.

I headed to Paragon Sports

for a wheelchair basketball shopping spree,

'cause all that vasectomy talk about me shooting blanks

was only making me rock hard to gear up!

Thanks for helping me out today.No problem.

I'm looking to gear up for basketball,

but I'm actually doing wheelchair basketball.

It's not permanent. I got a vasectomy.

I just wanted to show you a photo.

Ooh.That's my, uh, dick and balls.

Ooh, please, no.All right.

So, I'm just looking to get outfitted up for the league.

Is there anything you would recommend?

Maybe protective pads for your elbows

just in case you guys start boxing each other out or...

That's a good idea....get a little aggressive.

So, this is the one that's got the...

Hole inside, yeah.And that's just to allow...

Just a little easing the tension, yeah.

If I did that for my, for my balls, I'd just get, like,

a brace but then we keep the hole where my balls are.

Yeah, I don't know if they're going to

let you on the court like that.

Maybe like a compression gloryhole.

What does this have to do with wheelchair basketball?

That was a tangent. Let's get back to the gear.

I was geared up and ready to ball.

Next up, scrimmaging with the New York Rolling Knicks,

featuring US National Team co-captain

and gold medalist Steve Serio

and three-time gold medalist, Patrick Anderson,

considered by many to be...

[deep voice] The GOAT!

Whoo! Let's do this, guys! Let's bawl!

[T-shirt gun shoots]Oh.

Sorry, I thought there was a crowd.

Uh, this is a school, right?

Some kid'll come here tomorrow and be like,

"Oh, yeah, sweet! Free T-shirt!"

Probably show his girlfriend and get laid.

Hey, here you go, Spurt, put that away for me?

What's up, guys?

Hey, can we, uh, can you guys come in for a sec?

Um, you know, first of all, I just wanted to thank you guys

for letting me join your league.

You know, ever since I got my vasectomy

it's been a real tough road for me, you know,

once I got my nads snipped I felt like, you know,

we share a common bond.

I feel like I'm looking at brothers.

In honor of this occasion I took a special picture

I wanted to share with you guys.

Take a look at that. [buzzer, Jon laughing]

Pretty crazy bruising, right?

Isn't that wild?

I got the anesthetic, which is probably the most painful part--

just a shot right in the balls, I was like, oh!

And then just... [vocalizes cutting]

Oh... [scatting]

Um, anyway, I also feel like I see guys

that we have a common bond, a love of gear.

I see a lot of sweet gear going on.

I got my armband, of course my classic goggles, headband.

Got my ankle braces.

Got my sweet jersey, I'm from Motown, Detroit.

And also, of course, I got a sweet chair like you guys.

Kind of decided to call this thing The Bruiser.

[deep voice] The Bruiser!

It's in honor of these bad boys. [buzzer]

You already showed us that.

I guess let's just get into it, [bleep] ball, right!

[shouting] Mean Green!

[Jon] The time for talk was over.

It was time to hit the hardwood.

I set up for the jump ball with a GoPro on my chair

for some cool shots!

[hard rock music]

Jon, right here, Jon, right here.

Jon, right here.

Jon, you got balls, Jon.Okay, [bleep], no shot!

One is luck, two is skill.

[shouting]

Hey, Chris.Chris!

Oh, yeah!

Beautiful!

[shouting]

Let him shoot, guys, let him shoot.

[Bleep].

See ball, see ball, heads up!

[Steve] Get on it, Jon, get on your man!

What? I'm on my man.

Why don't you [bleep] come out here and play this?

This is hard.

[shouting]

It's all right.

[Bleep] GoPro!

[Bleep] GoPro got in the way of my dribble!

Oh, got it, come on, that's a foul!

It's a foul!

[shouting]

Let him shoot, let him shoot, let him shoot!

Let him shoot!

Don't you guys go easy on me!

I might've got snipped but I'm still a man!

Send it!

Bruiser!

[Bleeps].

Take care, guys.See ya next week!

I got an ice pack on my sack,

a pack on my back and a pack on my crack.

My whole body hurts after that basketball game-- whoo! Ouch.

How was it? Was it fun?

Yeah, I don't know, I kind of think I held my own.

[Beeps]["Sweet Georgia Brown" playing]

I played some very good D.

["Sweet Georgia Brown" playing]

Offense I did okay, could've done a little better.

I hit the backboard! I hit the backboard!

Honestly, they are lucky I was in the chair,

otherwise I would've totally dominated.

I mean, I-- I ran the New York City Marathon,

for crying out loud.

[deep voice] Ran the 'Thon!

[Gear-i] Jon, I have a question.

What is it like to be human?

Interesting question, Gear-i. Where is this coming from?

Your vasectomy has had me wondering lately.

Am I missing out on something

by not having functioning genitals,

not being a father, a husband, a soldier or a priest?

I've been thinking about becoming a priest

when I get older.

The monastic lifestyle seems very appealing.

So is my life, such as it is, even worth living?

What is going on here, guys?

Could we please focus on me?

Let's put the attention back down here.

Gear-i, please bring up my post-vasectomy photo?

You have to be more specific than that.

The one with the bruising, please.

I am so glad that you're gonna be back on your feet

in a couple of days, sweetie.

It will be so good to see you out of the chair

and out of the house.

Come on, son.

Yeah, great.

Can you get me an iced tea, please?

Hibiscus with crushed ice, just how daddy likes it.

You got it, dad.Thank you.

[Jon] My next wheelchair

basketball game was a week away,

but I was still feeling pretty sore "down undah,"

so me and my Spurt went shopping for something

a little more comfortable for my post-op recovery.

I just had a vasectomy recently.

I've really kind of gotten used to just the lifestyle

of being in a chair and having someone push me around.

I don't know if you guys have this kind of chair.

What do you think about this chair?

[buzzer]Ooh! Ah.

[laughing]

That lets you know where I'm coming from.

Let me, um, let me try some chairs.

Oh, yeah.

Oh...

It's, uh, you know, I'm sittin' pretty high.

[buzzer]

Ooh, yeah, the feet come up.

Oh, yeah.

Spurt, what do you think?Nice, early tone.

I'm not a fan.[buzzer]

[vocalizing motor] I like making noises.

This is plush.

Do they come with Scotchgard, stain guard, guac guard?

Is that leather?Leather or pleather?

Can I eat guac in this chair?Yeah, it's, it's a beauty.

[bell ringing]

You do sell some that just have the old school,

just like... [vocalizing]

See, I like that, I think it looks like a stick shift,

like... [vocalizing car racing]

Ooh... [wincing]

Careful with those.[buzzer]

It doesn't hurt, really, but it does, right?

You know what I'm saying, like, PTSD,

like what the dudes in 'Nam felt like.

I feel like my balls were in 'Nam.

[buzzer]

♪

My new recliner had arrived.

In addition to the physical toll

the vasectomy had taken on my body,

there were also deep psychological scars,

so I'd still need my faithful crew to help take care of me

and ease the pain on the bruised balls of my mind.

Okay, everybody, listen up.

[clears throat] "I've been feeling pretty tired

"from all the work I've had to do in this chair,

"so I'm having my Spurt read you a note from me.

"I'm out of the wheelchair, but the doctor said

"I still need to take it easy

"since I'm still sore, 'down undah'.

"So I'm swapping one chair for another,

"and I'll still be in need of your help.

"More good news--

"everybody gets one of these sweet,

"custom 'Jon Glaser Loves Gear' ice packs.

"It's got the show's logo on it and everything.

"This is also going to be the wrap gift,

"so you won't have to waste time

"wondering what that's gonna be."

[Jon whispering]

No.[whispering]

All right, everybody, get back to work.

[Jon whispering] I have to wee-wee.

Jon has to wee-wee.

Guys, no, don't. I'll do it.

Thank you. Yes. Thank you.

[unscrewing]

[Jon urinating]

[Jon sighing]

[gloves snap]

"Okay, everyone, I don't have

"another basketball game for a week, and this is still

"a kick-ass show about gear, so let's go do some cool stuff!

"Up yours, vasectomy, I'm still a man!"

♪

[Jon] I saw no reason why being

in the chair had to hold me back from adventure.

Cool activity number one--

tearing a skate park a new butthole!

I called my wheelchair The Bruiser.

[deep voice] The Bruiser.

So, I think I'll call this baby The Cruiser.

The Cruiser.

It was the perfect setup to get some cool shots!

[hard rock music]

Jonny G droppin' in!

Ow, [bleep], yeah, man!

Come on, faster, Spurt.

I'm going as fast as I can, Jon.

Hanging with the boys.

Oh, yeah.

Nice.

[banging concrete]

Oh, yeah! Whoo!

Next up, fencing.

I had always wanted to try it

because of all the cool gear,

so I met up with Joanna Guy,

former member of the Canadian National Fencing Team.

Yeah, you got your high socks.Uh-huh.

You got your fencing pants. You got your fencing jacket.

Spurt-- thank you very much.

Oh, yeah, I got my sweet stuff in here.

Got some cool fencing gloves,

and of course a sweet looking mask.

It was time to en garde.

With a GoPro on my epee,

I started the match with some cool shots!

[hard rock music]

Oh!

Oh!

Jesus, Spurt!It was a lunge!

Oh!Ooh!

[bell ringing]Is that me?

Yes!Yeah!

Yeah!Well, all right!

Finally, paintball.

With Steve pushing me around in my comfy-ass chair,

it really allowed me to focus on enjoying

all that sweet-ass gear.

Why did you not put us under some tree cover?

Whatever, man, I've got on all this kick-ass shit,

I'm lookin' pretty rad.We're gonna push it,

we're gonna get their flag.Steve, I'm getting nailed!

Come on...No, no, we're moving forward!

You stay right there, we're movin'.

Steve, take some bullets for me, dude.

I'm... I'm taking cover.

Your job in paintball is to protect me, right?

Oh, right, yeah.Yeah.

Makes total sense.

Yeah, look at this thing, sweet.

Finally!

These guys have been ripping up the stairs.

They said you hired them?Well, yeah, obviously

I need a ramp for The Cruiser. The Cruiser.

Who's The Cruiser? The Cruiser.

This bad boy right here. Is this thing sweet?

Check this out-- oh, yeah! Oh, yeah!

How sweet is that? Watch this.

Go all the way back... [snoring]

Is this thing the best?

Of course. The Cruiser and the loser.

The Loser.Unbelievable.

That hunk of shit... Hunk of shit--

...is not coming in the house.

The doctor said you were fine to walk over a week ago.

Uh-oh, busted!Look, if you want to sit

in that chair and boss people around at work, go for it,

but it's not happening here.

Hi, Steve.Hey, Leslie.

It's not a hunk of shit, it's The Cruiser.

The Cruiser.All right, guys, thanks anyway.

You can wrap up the job, I don't need it anymore.

And I'm only paying for half of this.

Yeah, I guess technically I'm better,

I'm just being on the safe side

since I'm still sore "down undah".

Down undah.Come on, giddy up, Spurt!

I had a ramp built, like, she didn't even have to do it,

I built the ramp, or the guys built the ramp,

I was being accommodating.

Uh... where, where is everybody?

Are we early? I thought we were late.

What's going on? This a surprise party?

They quit.They quit? What?

What are you talking about?

Everybody's sick of being treated like servants,

especially now that you're better.

But you still insist on sitting in that stupid chair

and being tended to.

Seriously?Yeah.

I hit a rough patch, so everyone just quits?

Well, who quit first, Jon?

I mean, you're the one sitting on your ass.

This episode was supposed to be about basketball, remember?

What happened to that?

What happened is that I got surgery on my man-danglers.

Well, the world doesn't stop turning, Jon,

just because you hurt your spunk bunkers.

Have you ever had a procedure on your dong dumpling?

Nobody made you do it.

Jon, I'm getting pretty sick of it too.

I'm not a task boy, okay?

I was hired to go on adventures with you, remember?

Before you tried to have me killed!

I knew it! I knew it, I knew you weren't over it.

I could tell, man.

I thought that was water under the bridge,

but apparently it wasn't.

You want to know why?Why?

Because I-- because the creek, the creek, it isn't dry.

What?There's still water there,

that's why.That's not how

that analogy works, Jon.

Now, speaking of dry creek beds,

my throat is a little dry from all this explanation.

Perhaps you can get me a hibiscus iced tea?

Fine.

Thank you.

[clears throat]

Finally, somebody that knows what their job is

and they don't just run at the first sign of,

"Oh, my boss, my boss is hurt!

"And he asked me to get him something.

"I'm gonna quit."

A little crushed ice and a lemon would also be great.

There it is.

Thank you.

Hand me my iced tea, Spurt.

Hand me my iced tea, Spurt.

You're going to get a cup?No, Jon,

someone needs to dump you out of that chair.

You better not-- get back here, Spurt!

♪

[groaning]

Gear-i, what am I gonna do?

I mean, I can't reach it, I'm gonna dehydrate.

Just get out of the chair, Jon.

After all, the doctor said you were better.

I'm not better, Gear-i.

Dial my favorite restaurant for lunch.

Sure, Jon. Hello?

Yes, hello, I would like to, uh, get a delivery, please.

[knocking on door]

Yeah! Come in!

Delivery?Yeah, for Jon?

Yeah.Yes!

Right on time, man. Yes!

Oh, man, I'm so happy to see you, dude.

Yeah, here we go, I'll take that and, uh... here you go,

and look at that, keep the change, huh?

Wow, thanks.

There is plenty more green where that came from.

Maybe you want to stick around?

Help push me home in this chair?

Make a pit stop on the way out,

hold my ding dong while I tinkle?

Yeah, money is... no object.

You got problems, dude. Problems up here.

I agree.

No, I don't, I got problems down here!

That's where I got 'em-- you got problems up here, man!

[door opens and shuts][Bleep].

Smokey...

My main man behind the camera.

Dude, we... we go back a long time, me and you, right?

Yeah, Jon.

I see you got your "Delocated" shirt you're wearing.

Three TV shows together, man.

Right?Yep.

Pretty close buds.

Get this-- never mind! Never mind!

Let's go, great job on "Neon Joe".

Want to help me out?

I mean, not really, Jon, you're fine.

Come on, man, I gotta go to the bathroom... so bad.

Well, then, just get out of the chair

and walk to the bathroom.

Would you not help a dying animal on the side of the road?

Well, maybe, it depends on the animal and the scenario.

I'm the animal, this is the scenario, help me.

Dave...Hey, Jon.

Don't do it, Dave.Sorry, Jon, no can do.

Huh, see this?I see it, just can't.

Dave Stevens?I'm not touching it, dude.

Just pretend it's a boom.

Right? Here's my dick and just hold my dick like this,

like you're holding the boom.I'm not gonna do that.

It's like...

Your dick's no boom, Jon.

I know who I'll call.

Yeah, thanks a lot for doing this, man.

What's that? You said all the guys miss me?

Yeah, yeah.They been talking about my game?

Like, "Oh, man, we gotta get Jonny Glaze back, man!

"'Cause Glaze got game!"

[shaver buzzing]

Hey, uh, did you see my vasectomy bruising watercolor

on the fridge?

I put it up next to our daughter's artwork.

It's beautiful.

You are such an artist.

Oh, thanks.

Thanks for trimming my beard.Of course.

I know the doctor said that you don't need to be

in the chair anymore

and this is technically something you could still do

by yourself, even in the chair...

We all know you still need to rest,

and I love taking care of my man.

It's a cool beard trimmer, right?

Very cool.

It's got the lithium ion battery inside,

which lasts really long,

and it's got this cool vacuum feature to it,

which sucks all the hair in

so it doesn't get messy in the sink or all over me or...

all over you.

Such a good choice.Sure is.

Well, time for bed.I was thinking, why don't you...

come to bed with me... honey?

Um, yeah, listen, everyone, just so it's clear,

I'm not having an affair, this is just acting, okay?

Oh, my God, it's actually happening.

[buzzer]Ooh!

[Beep]!

My legs don't work.Of course they don't.

They've atrophied because

you've been sitting in that chair for weeks...

like the pathetic, little baby you are.

It took you believing we were actually

going to have sex to finally get you out of that chair.

It's because you're too stupid to know any better.

Too stupid and too desperate.

You see, this is, unfortunately,

just another sad, little moment

in the sad, little world

of Jon...

Glaser...

Loves...

Gear!

That was actually really fun to do.

[cheering] Yeah, all right!

Nice job, Eva!