Original subtitles

Today on "Jon Glaser Loves Gear"...

[whooshing] Ow! What the [bleep], Gear-i?

What? I thought you were ready.

No, I say "tennis" and then--

Cut it out, Gear-i!

Gear! Ow! Gear-i!

♪

Gear!

So, for today's episode,

my beautiful wife Leslie still won't allow cameras in the home,

but she has graciously agreed to appear on camera

since we're taking part in a couples tennis tournament.

She still wants her face blurred,

but this was huge for me and the show.

I brought along my brand-new Spurt to be my ball boy,

and I've got Gear-i loaded up with training apps

to improve my tennis game.

Everything from monitoring fitness levels

to measuring the speed of my serve.

Oh! Whoops.

That's you, Spurt, let's go!

Got it.Speed! Speed!

Squirrel gets nut, squirrel grabs nut

and takes nut back to tree, that's your motivation.

Do I have to stand on my knee like this?

Yeah, that's what the ball boy does.

If you need a towel, go for it.Okay.

All right, ready for a serve?Yes!

You don't want to stand at the baseline?

This could be comin' in hot.

Let me just go for this and see what happens.

All right.

Ah, crap.

Let's go, Spurt, hustle up.

That's you-- let's go, go, go!

Gear-i, how fast was that serve? About 90?

It was 39 miles an hour.

Thirty-- yeah, that was at least in the 70's, please.

Yeah, can we tone it down a little bit, Jon?

Why? If I'm nailin' my serves

and they can't return it, they get no points and we win.

I know, but if you don't get it in,

then it doesn't matter how hard you hit it.

I'm getting there. I'm warming up right now.

Okay.I'm also feeling

very fit, I got some residual endurance

from running the marathon.

[deep voice] Ran the 'thon!

That was, like, last November, so I don't think so.

That all carries over.

I ran four days a week...Okay.

Sixteen week training program,

so I still feel like that's all stored.

Anyway, check out this serve.

Spurt, you ready?

Oh, bad hit, go get it.

That was intentional. I know.

The ball boy's job is to get--

retrieve the ball when it goes into the net.

Basic ball boy stuff.

That'd be like saying, "I work in a construction site.

"Oh, that jackhammer's too dangerous."

This is not a jackhammer.This is.

Heads up, everybody! The Jackhammer's here!

[jackhammering]

Watch out for a serve from the Jackhammer!

[vocalizing jackhammer] Shit.

Get it, Spurt.

Damn it.I wish you'd get this excited

about other couples activities.

Well, if other couples activities

had more gear involved I'd get excited about them.

Lots of couples activities have gear.

Yeah? Name one.

Okay, cooking, painting, star gazing, wine tasting...

Or couples massage, you can talk about the table...

I'm talking about, like, cool gear, okay?

Like, this sweet racket tape, and my compression sleeve, okay,

that's the kind of gear I'm talking about.

So, like, sports gear.

Maybe, I mean, just cool stuff.

Well, if you're into gear and you want to do gear-type stuff,

why don't we go shopping for, like,

tennis outfits for the tournament?

Really?Yeah.

You'd go gear shopping with me?Yeah, that sounds fun.

Wow, great... yes.

Wow, first my wife agrees to be on camera for the tournament,

now she's offering to let us film her joining me

on a gear-related shopping spree?

This was about as major a step in our relationship

that I could hope for.

[vocalizing jackhammer] Shit. [Bleep].

Yeah, so I mean, since Leslie agreed to appear on camera,

we really won't need you at all this episode.

And I'm sorry, because I know how much

you love doing the show and

you and I have such a great chemistry and--

I get paid either way.Oh, sure.

And this is actually a really good time to get some time off.

I've got some big news.Oh.

What's up? Did you get a modeling job with...

doing some Icelandic panties or something?

Oh, I'm sorry-- Eva, this is my new Spurt.

Hi.I hate this shirt, by the way.

Do I really have to wear it?

Can't it just actually say my real name on it or something?

I mean, uh, you're the Spurt and that's the shirt.

I don't know what to tell ya. It looks good on ya.

So, yeah, Eva, whatever your news is--

Jon, I'm, I'm pregnant.

Oh, my God, Eva, that's great! Congratulations!

Thank you.

Yeah, it was a... bit unexpected...

[voice fades, random drum sounds]

[muffled] I love babies.

[random drums continue]Is it your first?

Is...

Is it mine?

Jon, we've never even kissed.

I know, I'm just saying sometimes, you know, when you,

when you fantasize about something long and hard enough

it just comes true, right?

I mean, wasn't that how Jesus was born?

Like, that's a fantasy baby, basically, right?

How... disgusting. I'm so sorry, Eva.

Why-- how is that disgusting?

How is Jesus disgusting, Spurt?

I'm just trying to figure out how,

how my baby would've got in there.

Jon, it's not your baby.

Well, who's the father?

I don't know.

All right, that's okay.

Let's see if we can figure it out.

I mean, we're crossing me off the list...

Yeah....although I don't know if

that's 100 percent, but...

Steve is a possibility, right? Or I guess his wife?

So, look, Eva, I know that I'm your onscreen husband, but...

you know, I'm also your offscreen friend,

and I just want you to know

that I'm gonna be there for you, no matter what.

Okay. I'm fine.

We're havin' a baby!

Gear!

I was really excited to help Eva raise her baby,

so we headed over to Babesta,

to shop for some brand-new baby gear.

This is nice.

Oh, magnets! That's neat.

Did you guys have any questions or anything?

Hi, we are shopping for some baby gear.

Uh, I'm not the father, just so you know.

I have this TV show and my real wife

didn't want to be on camera,

so we hired an actress, who is Eva, to be my TV wife,

and since she doesn't know who the father is, I volunteered,

you know, to fill that role for her since there's no real dad.

Gotcha.This is a double stroller here, right?

Yeah, this is a Vista. You can add two children to it.

Yeah, I would recommend a double stroller

just in case you get... twins!

[chuckling] Right? Just in case?

Having addressed the twinsituation,

we headed to the back of the store to check out

all the super cute stuff.

These are so cute. You want one, Spurt?

Want a French fry? Hands off!

So cute-- so cute-- it's so cute-- so cute--

So cute!

These are cute. So cute.

So cute.

Isn't this the cutest?

Oh, my God, that is so cute.

Oh, my God, you guys, how cute is this?

Worm alert! Ahh! [laughing]

Oh! Whoa... shit.

Oh, boy.

So, I envy you so much, what you're about to experience.

I mean, it's like, gonna fly by,

so just even in this store, like, cherish every moment.

[ringtone] Gear!

Sorry. Gear!

It's Leslie. Ge--

Hey, honey, guess what? You're pregnant!

What are you talking about?

I mean, Eva's pregnant, is what I meant.

She's pregnant, and she plays you, so you're pregnant,

so I was making a joke.

Yeah, where are you?

You were supposed to be here a while ago.

Remember, we were going shopping for the tournament?

Yes, I'm so sorry, I totally got caught up

in all the Eva news and I was getting

so excited, just like, re-living all these moments.

Oh, man. I'll just catch up with you later,

just, like, buy whatever...

Get, like, a skirt that shows a little tush.

Have fun shopping for gear!

[clock ticking]

[beeping]

And there's your baby.

[hard rock music]

Look at that, Eva, how about that?

Although you should know it's not our baby,

it's just her and some mystery guy right now.

She just plays my TV wife on my show, uh,

but since we don't know who the dad is,

I volunteered to step up to the plate and help.

And who are you?

I'm just here for emotional support.

We're gonna get through this, right?

There's a lot of cool gear in here.

We could do a medical episode.

What are these, by the way?

These things are cool.

[vocalizing] Mama.

Ma, feed us.

[normal voice] Like baby birds in a nest.

I'm hungry, tweet-tweet.

And the mommy bird comes in... [pretends to vomit]

[laughing]

Eva, look at this, watch-- Gear!

All right, are you ready?Yeah.

And open your eyes! Ta-da!

What do you think?

What's different?

Uh, I baby-proofed the whole house!

You mean I baby-proofed the whole house.

We did it together, and I supervised.

First of all, you'll notice on every electrical outlet...

So cute!

...socket covers.

These are very important. The baby is low to the ground,

we don't want any, like... [imitates electricity]

Right? I like fried chicken but I don't like fried babies.

Come over right here, this is next.

So cute! Check this out.

We got every corner covered with these cushions.

The baby is crawlin' around... [blows raspberry]

that could literally destroy the baby.

Every corner covered, uh, it's also Spurt-proof,

'cause I've seen Spurt walk around like,

"Uh, I'm on my phone, uh, uh-- ugh!"

Right? That's not gonna happen.

These are kind of cool.

[baby voice] I want to get in there,

I want to play, gah-gah-gah--

I'm dumb baby, I don't know any better.

Not gonna happen with this sweet gear.

So cute! We've got awesome baby gates, okay?

Baby cannot get out.

If anything goes wrong,

which it won't, we are covered

because I have put security cameras everywhere

in this house, and I mean everywhere.

Number one, that's for safety, of course, but number two,

that's gonna give us a lot of super cool shots.

[hard rock music]

All right, let's get upstairs

to see the cutest room in the house.

It's the nursery!

[hard rock music]

First of all, isn't this beautiful?

Wow.How awesome is this?

I mean, every nursery,

you want to have a beautiful family portrait.

Of course, mommy, extended family, and you know,

just a father figure is nice to have in there.

I think it turned out great.I don't know.

Anyway, look at all this cool stuff.

This thing's awesome-- gotta have a baby monitor,

and they're so much better than when I had kids.

And look at this, like--

mommy, I'm tired. My, my diapie has poopie, come get me...

Jon, this is all nice, but...

Actually, Spurt, can you get in there?

I want to show Eva how this works.

Okay.And this thing's awesome, this is just like--

[hard rock music]

So cute! Just, like, lay down

like you're taking a nap...Oh, Bowen, you don't have to.

...playing or sleeping or...

I don't know if there's enough room.

Oh, there's plenty of room.

Jon...There you go.

Look at that cute, little baby.

Oh, isn't that baby so cute?

Well, you get the point, Eva, and--

this is my favorite part-- look at this mobile.

So cute! Huh? Megaphones...

like the show!

[hard rock music]

They work, watch-- [blowing]

Jon, could I just... Gear!

Mama!Jon.

Baby'll be down here, go goo-goo, gah-gah...

Jon, I'm not going to be spending the night here.

Shouldn't we be doing stuff in my actual apartment?

Listen, the network, they'll set you up at your apartment,

but when you're working here you'll bring the baby here.

You know, especially since I'm, like...

the temporary dad until you figure things out.

Jon, you're not the temporary anything.

I-I appreciate everything that you're doing for me,

but I have to do this by myself.

[Gear-i beeps] Excuse me, Jon.

You have a tennis lesson in five minutes with Leslie.

Shit. Forgot-- we gotta go, guys.

Spurt, come on, out of there.

[Jon] Sweetie, hi!

What the hell, Jon?

I know.You missed another lesson!

I know. I'm sorry.

Hi, Eva.Hi.

Nice to see you. Congratulations.

Thank you.

Sweetie, I'm really sorry. Hey, Spurt,

would you go turn that machine off, please?

Sweetie, we were at the fake house, I baby-proofed it

and I just got so wrapped up in it

and I didn't want to bail on her and I'm really sorry,

but I had a really good brain fart, like,

what if we put Eva on our insurance

and she moves in with us, and then you can, like,

coach her with the pregnancy and help her and, like,

give her advice?

Yeah, I don't really know about the insurance,

but I'm happy to give her advice,

if that's something you want.

Yeah, yeah, that would be great.Okay.

All right, super. I'm gonna go change,

we'll finish our lesson.

Lesson's over, man.Whatever, you guys can have

a little preg talk. Awesome.

See ya in a minute!

I'm so sorry, Leslie.Yeah, me too.

Spurt, Spurt, clean up these balls, please, for my wife?

Thank you.

I swear, I am not making him do this.

I-I mean, it was nice at first,

but I didn't even want his coat.

That's okay. Sit down.

No, don't, don't worry about it, I mean, he doesn't listen.

No, he really doesn't, I mean, he's in my face all the time.

I know, I'm so sorry, you know, but he gets carried away,

like, he gets an idea and he just has to follow it through,

it's completely annoying.

And I hate to say this to you,

but I just kind of feel sorry for him.

Yeah, he can be a real pain, but he means well.

You should really feel sorry for me.

Till death?Oh, boy, oh, my God.

Spurt, bring me another ball?

No, no-- whoa, whoa, whoa, you don't walk up.

This ball boy does not walk over.

This ball boy and this ball boy,

they have different roles and different jobs.

The ball boy there,

you're on your knee you go get the balls and go back.

This ball boy, stay at your post, stay at your station.

Now, I ask for a ball, it comes above the head, proper form,

should be one bounce.

One.

Average toss, but we can work on that.

You could've just caught it.

Anyway, keep working on your training.

Gear-i, what did that clock in at?

Fifty two miles an hour.

Fifty two, not bad.

Babe, did you hear that? That's halfway to 104,

and when I get to 104,

the competish is gonna be schmoked!

Yeah, great, so I talked with Eva, she's gonna go home now.

Oh, good. Let me hose off and I'll give you a ride.

No, she's fine.

Yeah, it's okay, I can go home by myself.

No-- a woman in your condition

should not be running around the big city all alone.

Thanks again, Leslie.No problem, sweetie,

and call or text any time.Thank you, I will.

Bye!For sure, for sure.

Any time, just call, text...

we're here for you.Okay.

Man, sometimes I wish she weren't so brave.

Sometimes I wish you'd worry more about your own family

and less about your fake TV show family.

Come on, she is pregnant and alone.

She's got no one to help her out with this baby.

She's actually fine.

Have you thought about our kids? They miss you so much.

Listen, I'm sorry-- I-I'm getting caught up

with all the stuff with Eva and the baby, I understand that,

but it's been what, two days?

It's been two weeks, Jon.

Oh, boy-oy-oing!

Really?Yeah, really,

and the kids--Two weeks?

Two weeks, yes, I'm not kidding.

Hey, babe.Hey.

You ready to go?Yeah, I think so.

Sorry, who are you?Oh, this is you.

Hi, pleasure to meet you.

Are you the tennis pro?

Uh, no, actually, he's the new you.

What?Well, you've been spending

so much time with your fake me

that I decided to get a fake you.

How'd the lesson go? Thinking about the tournament?

[dramatic rumbling, voices muffle and distort]

I feel good about it. Let's go home.

Okay.

Nice to meet you.Bye, hon.

What the [bleep]?

I don't know, Spurt.

I don't like the idea of another man

being in my real house with my real kids,

especially with the tip of his real penis

sticking out of his shorts.

Well, I'm sure Leslie vetted him very carefully.

[sighs] All right, whatever,

that's the way it's gonna be for a while, so be it.

I mean, what's the big deal, right?

His name's Hugh. Huh!

You see those shorts, though?

Oh, God, bone-ho!What?

I recognized Hugh but I couldn't place him,

so I ran a search using my facial recognition technology.

He's Hugh G. Beefson, a popular porn star known

for his enormous member and catch phrase,

"Here's the beef, son."

Which ones would you like to watch?

"A Meat and Two Sides"?

"The Beef of Wall Street"?

"The Wolf of Wall Beef"?

"Slumdog Beef-inaire"?

"Beef to the Future" and "Beef to the Future 3"?

Or "Three Beef-boards Outside Ebbing, Missouri"?

Just play a clip, please, Gear-i?

I'll play something from "Zip, Plop, Thud".

[porn music and moaning from laptop]

Wow.

Here's the beef, son.

It's a dated catchphrase, but I think he makes it work.

Wow.

[clock ticking]

You're doing fine, just assume the position

and be the ball boy.

When the ball hits the net you can just get it.

Okay, all right.Oh, hey, Jon!

How you doin'?

I'm lovin' the shirt color, we're like twins, right?

Twins!

[chuckling]

Oh... ha! Sorry.

Oops!I need longer shorts.

What's he doing here-- seriously?

Hugh G. Beefson?

Oh, Hugh G. Beefson and I are playing tennis.

No, I can see that, but I'm here now, so you can stop.

Stop what? I'm just playing tennis with my husband.

Jon, you're doing so great.

I love your stretching. Thanks, babe.

Hugh G. Beefson has agreed to be my partner

in the tennis tournament.

You know what, you don't need to say his full name

every time you say his name.

I know who-- you can just say Hugh, all right?

Spurt, can you please put the phone down,

you're the ball boy, be at the ready, please!

Also, the tournament, we're doing that together, right?

Come on, we talked about that.

That's gonna be, like, our thing we're doing.

It was our thing, but then you started spending

all of your time with Eva, so...

Then I'll stop spending time with Eva.

[scoffs]Okay? She's like a super-hot,

single pregnant lady living in the city.

She'll find some other dude

that's gonna be so into that, it's-- please, come on.

Too late, I'm playing with Hugh G. Beefson.

Okay, sweetie, let's go, hon.

[clock ticking]

All right, Eva, don't worry about the fact

that you're not good at tennis, we're gonna be fine, okay?

We got our dress whites on,

we're gonna be extra pumped for that.

I busted out my sweet ankle braces

so I can go hard all over the court.

I got this really super kick-ass, sweet new racket.

We're gonna be fine.

Just play as if your baby's life depends on it, okay?

Have that be your focus and you'll be great.

Oh, man, look at this guy...

stretching out my wife like it's his wife.

Yeah, two can play at this game.

Oh, man, I wish I had a bigger dick.

♪

[Gear-i] The couples tournament began

with matches being the best two out of three.

Leslie and Hugh played very well.

They won their match, 6-4, 4-6, 6-3.

Jon and Eva won their match, 6-2, 6-2.

Mostly because the other couple wasn't very good,

and also, Jon acted like a real jerk.

The Jackhammer!

[laughing]

With victories in hand, it was on to the next round.

Yeah!

Whoo!

Okay, so, congratulations, players, for making it this far.

The winner of this match will go on to the finals.

You know, uh, it's kind of weird,

it's like we're playing ourselves,

'cause he's me?Yeah, yeah, maybe I'll find it funny after I win.

Well, if you're feeling so confident,

why don't we, uh, raise the stakes a little bit?

Hmm, okay, well, what do you have in mind?

If we win, you unblur your face,

the cameras are allowed to shoot in our house.

Okay. What do I get if I win?

Everything stays the same.No bet then.

So, are we, are we ready to start?

[surfer accent] Hey, everybody!

What's going on?

Who the [bleep] are you?[surf music playing]

Who the [bleep] are you?

[Jon] It was the surfer guy

who dubbed my voice from season one.

What the [bleep] are you doing here?

Oh, I got a call saying that I won a role

in the new Hugh G. Beefson movie,

and to be here at this place at this exact time.

I guess it's a tennis porno?

Oh! What's up, my dude?

Yeah, uh, I didn't call this guy.

I called him.

I hacked into TruTV's mainframe and found Eva's email.

I accessed her server and discovered a message

from her doctor saying that the surfer is Eva's baby daddy.

Whoa!What!?

Oh-ho-ho! Oh, that's awesome!

I'm sorry for violating your privacy, Eva,

but Jon was clearly annoying the living shit out of you,

so I thought, if I contacted the real father,

you could finally tell Jon to [bleep] off.

You're welcome.

I'm going to be calling my agent immediately about this.

Wait-- what?Yes, and I'm for sure

telling the network, Eva,

I am so sorry about this, I promise...

I thought I was helping.

...erase Gear-i's memory and clear his history!

Will that include all the Hugh G. Beefson clips

you've been watching lately?

Listen, that's just for research, okay?

That's-- yeah, era--

Yeah, yeah, researching.

Wait-- hold on a second, wait. You guys didn't hook up,

you were with that other guy, Charlie, right?

Yeah, yeah, and when she realized

she was with the wrong dude, she hooked up with yours truly.

I guess, uh, my seed had the longest and strongest ride

along the waves of her uteral wall, am I right?

Or, you know, wherever, wherever it goes to get a babe pregnant.

Love 'em and leave 'em, huh?

Always another wave to catch, isn't there, you son of a bitch.

I didn't know, dude.I didn't want him to know.

Wait-- why not?I don't want to raise a baby

with a man that I don't love.That's a bummer, bro.

Wait-- hold-- hold on a second. Eva...

Are you saying what I think you're saying?

Are you in love with me?

What!? No, of course not!

What-- forget it! This is insane!

[racket clatters]

Wait, Eva, hold up. Let me help you.

Does this mean that there's no tennis porno?

I'm not saying that I'm in love with her,

I'm just wondering if she's in love with me.

[Leslie] Bye, Jon.

I don't want that.

Stan, I was right! That was Hugh G. Beefson!

[laughing]

[background conversations]

Hey, Jon.Oh!

Thanks for comin', man.What's up?

Good to see you, how are ya?How's it goin', Hugh?

Hey, I'm so glad that there's no hard feelings between us

with that whole...

Yeah, no, not at all. This is awesome,

thank you for inviting me.

Yeah, um...It's not every day you get

to see the porn version of your TV show being filmed.

Right?It's really cool.

What's, uh, what's it called? What's the title?

"Jon Glaser Loves Rear".

[laughing] That's pretty good.

Right?That's a good one.

Actually, your sound guy came up with it.

I worked with him a couple of times.

Really?What's up, Dave?

What's up, Hugh?

Good job, Dave, that's pretty funny, nice.

Man, I love the set, it looks great.

Oh, look at the mannequin, that's funny.

You got one of our megaphone guys.

Oh, look at that, you got the cutout from the wall--

that's hilarious.

We're ready for you.

Time to go be you.All right, man, have fun.

"Jon Glaser Loves Rear," take one. Mark.

Okay, everybody, let's settle.

And... action.

Hey, Eva, check out this cool watch I just got.

Forget the watch, Jon!

If I'm gonna play your wife on TV,

we might as well make it as real as possible.

I knew this day was coming.

Maybe we could make it a threesome.

Shut up, Gear-i.

[Hugh and Eva moaning]

Now, there's the beef, son.

[Hugh] Shut up, Gear-i!

Gear!