Original subtitles

Everybody in. Have a fun weekend at grandma's.

Pile in, pile in... be careful.

Tell grandma I said... (blowing lips)

(chuckling)

Bye!

Today on "Jon Glaser Loves Gear"...

Oh, yeah.

Leisure.

Gear!

*

Gear!

All right, with the wife and kids away,

it is time for dad to cut loose and party hard.

I have turned my place into a super sweet party palace,

and I brought in Dan from Mancaves.

He and his team are consulting to make sure I got it right

and let me know where I went wrong, which is nowhere.

Dan, thanks for joining me.

Let's get in there and check it out.

Yeah, let's do it. Do it!

(Jon) Oh, yeah, check it out, Dan!

Welcome to guy-vana.

Don't even thing about it-- just first reaction.

Nice.

Ooohhhh... yeaaaahhh! (rumbling)

Chill Fest '16,

it's like me and my best buddies.

Got Todd, Vapes, Dowzer,

Kev, J Bone, Chuck.

We're just gonna be playing video games,

drinking beer, watching sports--

in other words-- guys!

I like the keg.

Thank you very much.

It's a custom-made "hang loose" tap.

You just grab your red Solo cup,

you grab it by the thumb and just boom.

It's a little foamy right now, but when it settles down,

it's gonna be a perfect pint!

Oh, yeah!

I love the hammock concept.

(Jon) You do, like, hammocks and stuff like that?

Maybe outside.

But I like the indoor look.

Kind of like, whatever!

Dan approved.

Let me show you these sweet beanbags I got.

I actually call 'em Bro Bags, and here's my take on it.

Instead of being filled with beans,

I got every single one of these beanbags

are filled with...

burritos!

And that way, while you're chillin'...

you're fillin', right?

Bro Bags!

Welcome to the media center of the cave.

You got this sweet flat screen and the X-box.

It's got a Bose sound dock for sweet sound.

Gotta have it. Pretty good set-up, yeah?

I would do things a little different, but if you like it.

Well, like, how could I have made this better?

Maybe hang the TV on the wall, hide some wires.

I can't-- like, if I would've hung that on the wall

and had any kind of scratch or whatever,

she would've known I was here, like,

this is more like stealth mancave,

like in, cave, out!

Just like we killed Bin Laden, right?

So all things considered, though...

pretty sweet?

For a temporary set-up I think you did just fine.

Oh yeaahh!

Okay, that's a huge relief 'cause it's like...

I gotta nail this thing, man, you know,

I gotta-- this is my home.

It's like I'm not even-- I'm a stranger in my own home.

Even just the fact that I'm standing here right now,

you know, it's like, I spend so little time here.

And again, I support my wife's decision

to not allow the cameras in here to shoot

and to put our kids on camera, but I don't see them.

I spend more time with these actors

that are playing my children and playing my wife,

and I can't even enjoy my own home.

It's tough for me, it's been hard.

But not for these two days it's not-- whoo!

I'm gonna (bleep) cut loose!

Of course you gotta have your snack zone, right?

Snack Zone.

Got a lot of good stuff here,

got just a ton of 'za,

pretzels over here, tortilla chips,

and of course, a party wouldn't be complete without the guac.

Guaaaaaac!

Now check this thing out.

The "Jon Glaser Loves Gear" ice luge.

The funnel's right up here,

then it goes down the luge into your mouth, into your gut,

and then into the toilet later when you piss.

(softly) One, two, three...

(both) Fire up the luge!

Chill Zone. (ice cracking)

All right, here we go.

Yeaaaahhh!

Ready down there, dude? I'm all set.

Here she comes!

Did you get any?

Oh yeah! (loud smack)

Dan, thank you very much for all your help

and your consultation. Thank you for having me.

Catch you on the other side of the cave.

Three hours until Chill Fest.

I think we are all set for Chill Fest '16.

Just waitin' for my buddies to arrive.

Super pumped about it.

We got this pretty kick-ass drone set up.

This little dude is perched and ready to go.

I got this pretty kick-ass brewsky backpack.

This thing's awesome, you know,

it's sort of my version of the bug-out bag,

call it a chug-out bag.

Oh, I got my sport watch on

because I want to see how many calories I burned.

Let me check into that.

Zero calories burned.

AKA, kicking back hard in the Chill Zone!

Ohh... yeah! (ice cracking)

One final order of business here and we can start the weekend.

(phone beeps) Hello, Jon.

What gear suggestions can I help you with today?

No gear suggestions, Gear-i,

I just wanted to remind you this is Chill Fest weekend,

I got all my buddies comin' by,

I do not want to be disturbed.

If my buddies or my wife call or text, that's fine,

but otherwise, no talking from you at all.

This is just for me and my buddies, it's nothing personal,

I just wanna focus on me and my buds, okay?

Okay, Gear-i?

Just keeping quiet like you ordered.

Ha-ha-ha, very funny, Gear-i.

Okay, no talking starting now!

Okay, shutting down vocal mode.

(phone dinging)

Oh, first text of the weekend came in.

I got Dowzer.

Probably wants to know about

if he should be picking up a six

or a lager or an IPA or something like that.

Dowzer had to cancel,

his wife is sick and the babysitter cancelled,

so he has to stay home.

Pussy whipped.

All right, no probskies.

(phone dinging)

Oh!

First phone call of the weekend, it's Vapes!

What's up, Vapes?

What's the good word, dude?

I'm sorry to hear that.

Yeah, you want to hang with the kids,

listen, I totally get it.

Kid whipped.

Two down, but no bigs, man.

Plenty to go around for the rest of the dawgs!

All right. What's up, Kev?

What's goin' on, man?

No, I understand, that's fine, um...

Bailer.

Well, we're here all weekend if you want to come by tomorrow.

Another one bites the dust.

That's a lot of stiches, man, I'm just glad you're okay.

Not gonna make it.

Well, we got a lot of pizza here

if you want to even swing by and take some home with you.

"O" for six.

You guys wanna, like...

take five and jam on this thing, maybe?

It was gonna be Kev and the crew, but, uh...

it could be the "Jon Glaser Loves Gear" crew.

(sighing)

(melancholy music)

(lasers zapping on TV)

(melancholy music continues)

(bottles rattling)

(slurring) This is my house where I live

and I should be able to shoot here when I want!

Me... my daughter...

that's my son.

(sobbing) I just...

Are you getting the shot through the ice?

You gotta tell me, you're my eyes, but...

'cause I should be here with my kids.

'cause if they're not, then what's the point, right?

And if you're not shootin' through the ice,

what's the point?

See, you guys, this whole show should be shot through ice!

Right? We gotta go back, we got to start from day one,

reshoot and we're gonna do it through ice!

(phone dings)

Gear-i...

Come on, Gear-i, you can talk, it's okay, you can speak now,

you're allowed to talk to me.

Gear-i, come on!

Gear-i, come on!

(sighing through megaphone)

No, hold on.

Man, you wanna grab a drink after we wrap?

What do I say again?

I say "gear"? Why?

I know it's the name of the show, but why is this,

why does a megaphone come in when I yell "gear"?

It's... stupid.

Gear.

It's a comedy twist.

Comedy's so easy, man.

It takes somebody to give it a twist.

Dwayne Wade? More like Dwayne not.

See?

(flask clatters on ground)

(slurring) Hey, you ever seen a titanium flask?

It's pretty cool.

You ever see something this cool?

This is titanium. (laughs weakly)

Dude, you are the funniest dude.

"Delocated" is the funniest-- Dude, (bleep) "Delocated".

You wanna see this flask? That's a pretty cool flask.

Are you doing okay, man?

I'm doing good. Yeah?

Yeah, I'm just, you know, having a sad night,

I'm missing my kids and my wife.

(blues music playing in bar)

(ice rattling)

Hey, man, what's this thing called?

It's super cool, I always--

Hey, no talking, no talking in here.

(whispering) Hey, man, hey.

That's a cool helmet.

It's awesome.

(whispering) Yeah, thanks.

Did you just get that, is that a new model?

(slurring) I don't know.

A gift from my wife.

I like this jersey too, this is cool.

Thanks.

Is that Argentinian?

I've never seen zippers like that.

I think it's Chicago.

My wife, she's out of town,

she went away with some girlfriends

on a weekend getaway.

My kids are at a sleepover.

I thought, all right, I got some solo time for myself,

so I took the bike out for a good ride.

Then I got too sad about a tenth of a mile in

and came in for a drink...

four hours ago.

You got a cyclometer on your handlebars?

Hey! If you guys aren't gonna be lonely in here,

take it outside!

We're just talking about gear, man.

We're just talking about cool gear, all right?

Listen, no word.

And I don't know what your problem is,

but I just wanna ask you about this gear...

Look, all right, everybody out.

You guys, out. No talking.

I told you the rules, one rule. ...ask you a question...

I let you guys in here-- out.

I wanna know, like, why is this cool,

and you can't even tell me what it's called?

Outside!

(bartender) We cannot have words in here,

come on, out, out, out!

(Jon) I was just trying

to ask this guy what that thing's called,

it looks cool, and he was, like,

gotta be a (bleeps) about it, right?

You don't see 'em all the time,

and it's like what's that thing called?

I just wanna know 'cause it's cool.

I don't know what it's called.

You got a bike, man? Can I see your ride?

Yeah, you wanna see it?

You got a mountain bike or you got a road bike?

No, it's a nice red one.

You wanna pick it up? Holy shit.

It's nothing.

Talk about light.

This is rad, man.

Nice ass handlebars, the stem is real good.

Yeah, be careful of the paint.

That's a sick ass bike, man.

This way.

Once all my friends bailed and I was alone with my thoughts

and just could focus on the loneliness,

it got real hard.

And that's when I felt like just...

could use the physical contact of a hug

and just make, makes me feel good.

Sometimes that's all you need, right?

Thanks, man.

It's been really great to talk to you

about cool, my gear, and you're such a...

Ow, what's going on back there?

I think a racoon was...

What was that? (slurring) It was just me.

(slurring) What's happening here?

(mumbling) Gear?

Yeah, I'm glad you were cool with that, huh?

You know, not like those uptight, lonely dads

who freak out and go run into some sex shop or something.

Are you even a dad?

(Jon) I definitely didn't freak out,

but my new dad friend got me thinking.

Since everyone I loved abandoned me,

then maybe it was time to take care of myself.

(woman) Can I show you?

It's very stretchy, so you put it on the head of your penis...

Oh, oh, yeah. ...and it's on the most

sensitive part and all these little nubs are...

And so does this go on the top of your penis...

That's right. ...and you just punch it?

No, uh, no.

I can already tell this one's great.

So that just goes... right?

Right on your penis, that's right.

It goes right in there. Mm-hmm.

I can see it, like...

It has several speeds.

It's like taking your (bleep) on the Autobahn.

This looks like Boba Fett's ship, right?

Yeah.

(imitating spaceship whirring) I know.

And it lands on planet (bleep).

Looks like something from, uh, "Finding Dory".

I just took my daughter-- she was a little scared,

she's four and a half.

Those movies go too far sometimes.

But how about "Inside Out" where the guy gave up his life?

I mean, that was...

I really liked that movie.

Oh, yeah, yeah, that was deep.

You're right, you're right, that was really--

it gave me chills a little bit.

Me too, I'm gonna cry right now...

Yeah. ...just remembering it...

Mm-hmm. ...and my kids are--

I don't have my kids this weekend.

Oh, yeah. (sighing deeply)

Let's talk about something else.

Yeah, let's get back to something...

Lube. ...I could put on my (bleep).

This is the show, right here.

(imitating pump sounds)

Good sound.

Right?

Thanks so much for your help, I really appreciate it,

and I'm gonna look forward to going home

and I'm just gonna go masturbate.

(whirring)

(rotors whirring)

(whirring stops, Jon sobbing)

(melancholy music)

(Gear-i) Jon?

Gear-i, you...

You're talking to me, you're not mad?

I wasn't mad.

Why would you think I was mad?

Because you told me to shut the mouth I don't have

and keep quiet and not partake in fun with your friends

who didn't even show up?

No, I'm not mad,

I'm just letting you know you received a text from your wife.

Gear-i, read it out loud to me, Gear-i.

She says, "Ugh, the kids and mom are driving me crazy!

"I hope you're enjoying your freedom.

See you tomorrow night."

You know, Gear-i, I gotta say, it's...

I don't even care if my friends didn't show up,

at least I'm not dealing with that!

Gear-i, bring up gear suggestions for a guy

that's not tied down by a wife and two kids.

Here are suggestions for a midlife crisis.

Yeah, now we're talking, we're back on track.

Chill Fest!

Gear!

Where's the megaphone?

(Jon) My wife having an awful time

sobered me up to realize I had to forget my family

and savor my freedom.

Gear-i, hit me with those sweet suggestions.

To illustrate to the world

that you're hanging on by a thread,

I'd recommend drop crotch pants and a long tailed t-shirt.

(Jon) Jonny Glaze!

That outfit, yeah, it looks good.

Not bad, right? Yeah.

No risk, no reward, right?

I like that.

You like these kicks? Definitely.

Thanks, dude, because I want to make sure

there's nothing about this that should feel like, oh,

that's like a dad that's unraveling.

To get around town, I'd recommend a Razor scooter.

(Jon) Yeah!

Pretty soon they're gonna start callin' me Jonny Jumps!

Jonny Jumps.

(Jon) The best part is,

you can hook up a GoPro for those cool shots.

(hard rock music)

(Gear-i) Stop by a vape shop

and get yourself an electronic cigarette

with custom added mini truck nuts.

(coughing)

(chuckling) Ohhh.... yeaaahhh...

Keep it together, Jon.

I have one more gear recommendation.

(Jon) Ohhh.... yeahhhhh....

(engine revving)

(Gear-i) A Ferrari F430 Spider sports car.

Yeah, talk about a cherry on the weekend sundae.

I rented this boss ride to go cruisin' around the city.

All that's left to do is to hang these bad boys on the back,

take 'em for a little spin-- whoops.

Give me one sec.

Whoa!

Oh!

Almost slipped on some nuts.

Ow!

Shit.

(Bleep)

(Jon) With precious little time left in Chill Fest,

I had to figure out what happened to my foot

and get back to soaking up the last drops of cool.

I was just stepping out of my Ferrari,

and I don't even know what I did.

I didn't even-- there was nothing there.

There was some, like, big rock, and I almost slipped on it,

but I don't even know what happened.

It's candy apple red, by the way, a super sweet look.

Okay, did you hear a pop or anything, any swelling?

Nope, I didn't hear anything

other than the cool purr of that Ferrari's engine.

Do you have any pain here?

No. No?

Anything here?

Uh, it's tender, that's kind of...

that's kind of where it flared up.

It doesn't look like anything's broken.

Honestly, um, maybe just a touch of arthritis and...

Time out.

That's like old people talk. Hmm...

I mean, I'm a young cool guy, clearly, so,

it can't be arthritis, right?

Arthritis is when you're old and you're like... right?

Remember that commercial, like, you try to open the bottle,

it's just two hands, it was just like a very simple commercial,

and it's just, you know, they-- the hands couldn't open it

because the hands hurt because of the arthritis.

(whispering) What was it called?

See, now I can't remember,

maybe it is getting old, oh, my God.

Geritol, got it, it's Geritol.

I'm good.

Young and cool.

You certainly are young and cool, but uh,

I think we need to talk maybe about your footwear

and wearing something a little more orthopedic... (echoing)

(Jon) Jonny Blaze... (echoing)

Hello!

You gotta stop saying "arthritis"

and "orthopedic," please.

I'm sorry. Ooh, boy.

Just start with your footwear,

a little more comfortable shoes

with some nice, comfortable inserts.

You want to go take a look at what we have?

Uh, yeah.

Not so bad, are they?

Um... yeah.

Got great support.

Also two Velcro straps, get your foot into nice and easy.

(Velcro rips)

It's such a big difference from those,

you're not gonna be sorry.

Yeah, it is a big difference.

You're really gonna thank me.

A good arch support is gonna help with the arthritis.

Don't say "arthritis" anymore, please.

I'm sorry. It's okay.

We'll just call it "cool-thritis," how's that?

Cool-thritis!

Better.

Okay, I'd like for you to take a little walk.

I'll give it a try.

Not bad, not bad.

How do those feel?

Not so bad.

Wow.

Comfort is cool.

Uh... yeah.

Comfort is cool. (ice cracking)

I mean, look at that, right?

It's like I took a few years off.

Whoa, man! Mmm!

Hey, uh, watch this shit, man, like...

(Bleep) you, old shoes.

There's a new cool in town.

(upbeat jazz music)

(Jon) I couldn't believe

how good my feet felt.

For that matter, I couldn't believe how good

my whole emotional state of mind felt.

There was no doubt about it--

thanks to this amazing old person gear,

I no longer missed my family.

Jonny Glaze was back!

(Gear-i) Jon, I have to say,

I haven't see you this happy in a long time.

Well, that's because I've never been more comfortable

in my whole life.

Gear!

(shouting) What's up, hey!

Hi. Hey, kids, how's grandma's?

Okay.

Did you guys have fun?

Yeah, sweetie, you're yelling.

I can't hear you, my cans are too loud!

You're yelling. Oh, sorry.

Blasting my tunes. Come on, sweetie.

How nice are these cans, you guys?

Pretty good bass on 'em, I'll let you listen later.

Okay, come on.

Did you guys have fun? Yeah, we had a nice time.

How was grandma's?

You just asked that.

Hey, what should we do for dinner?

You guys hungry yet?

No, we just got in, sweetie.

How comfortable do I look?

Guys, I'm so comfortable.

Get ready, this is your new daddy.

You guys wanna do Brazilian food for dinner?

It'll be like we're in Rio for the Olympics.

All right, I'll see you guys in a bit-- welcome back!

I'm doing laps around the neighborhood!

I love you guys! Glad you're back!

Chill Fest.

(hard rock music)

(Jon) Ohhhh... yeaahhhh!