Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:06,907 --> 00:00:08,976
Everybody in.
Have a fun weekend at grandma's.
2
00:00:09,009 --> 00:00:11,079
Pile in, pile in...
be careful.
3
00:00:11,112 --> 00:00:13,147
Tell grandma I said...
(blowing lips)
4
00:00:13,181 --> 00:00:15,583
(chuckling)
5
00:00:15,616 --> 00:00:17,351
Bye!
6
00:00:19,553 --> 00:00:21,289
Today on
"Jon Glaser Loves Gear"...
7
00:00:26,560 --> 00:00:28,396
Oh, yeah.
8
00:00:31,365 --> 00:00:33,267
Leisure.
9
00:00:33,301 --> 00:00:35,103
Gear!
10
00:00:35,136 --> 00:00:37,905
*
11
00:00:51,152 --> 00:00:53,087
Gear!
12
00:00:56,890 --> 00:00:59,127
All right, with the wife
and kids away,
13
00:00:59,160 --> 00:01:03,131
it is time for dad
to cut loose and party hard.
14
00:01:03,164 --> 00:01:06,134
I have turned my place into
a super sweet party palace,
15
00:01:06,167 --> 00:01:08,702
and I brought in Dan
from Mancaves.
16
00:01:08,736 --> 00:01:11,705
He and his team are consulting
to make sure I got it right
17
00:01:11,739 --> 00:01:14,608
and let me know where
I went wrong, which is nowhere.
18
00:01:14,642 --> 00:01:16,377
Dan, thanks for joining me.
19
00:01:16,410 --> 00:01:18,078
Let's get in there
and check it out.
20
00:01:18,112 --> 00:01:19,480
Yeah, let's do it.
Do it!
21
00:01:21,282 --> 00:01:23,551
(Jon)
Oh, yeah, check it out, Dan!
22
00:01:23,584 --> 00:01:25,153
Welcome to guy-vana.
23
00:01:25,186 --> 00:01:28,489
Don't even thing about it--
just first reaction.
24
00:01:28,522 --> 00:01:29,557
Nice.
25
00:01:29,590 --> 00:01:34,228
Ooohhhh... yeaaaahhh!
(rumbling)
26
00:01:34,262 --> 00:01:35,729
Chill Fest '16,
27
00:01:35,763 --> 00:01:37,465
it's like me
and my best buddies.
28
00:01:37,498 --> 00:01:41,135
Got Todd, Vapes, Dowzer,
29
00:01:41,169 --> 00:01:43,737
Kev, J Bone, Chuck.
30
00:01:43,771 --> 00:01:45,473
We're just gonna be playing
video games,
31
00:01:45,506 --> 00:01:47,908
drinking beer,
watching sports--
32
00:01:47,941 --> 00:01:50,311
in other words-- guys!
33
00:01:52,313 --> 00:01:53,581
I like the keg.
34
00:01:53,614 --> 00:01:54,915
Thank you very much.
35
00:01:54,948 --> 00:01:56,584
It's a custom-made
"hang loose" tap.
36
00:01:56,617 --> 00:01:58,186
You just grab
your red Solo cup,
37
00:01:58,219 --> 00:02:00,588
you grab it by the thumb
and just boom.
38
00:02:00,621 --> 00:02:02,923
It's a little foamy right now,
but when it settles down,
39
00:02:02,956 --> 00:02:05,259
it's gonna be a perfect pint!
40
00:02:05,293 --> 00:02:07,461
Oh, yeah!
41
00:02:07,495 --> 00:02:08,862
I love the hammock concept.
42
00:02:08,896 --> 00:02:10,598
(Jon)
You do, like, hammocks
and stuff like that?
43
00:02:10,631 --> 00:02:12,533
Maybe outside.
44
00:02:12,566 --> 00:02:13,867
But I like
the indoor look.
45
00:02:13,901 --> 00:02:16,437
Kind of like, whatever!
46
00:02:16,470 --> 00:02:18,606
Dan approved.
47
00:02:18,639 --> 00:02:20,541
Let me show you these
sweet beanbags I got.
48
00:02:20,574 --> 00:02:23,344
I actually call 'em Bro Bags,
and here's my take on it.
49
00:02:23,377 --> 00:02:25,546
Instead of being
filled with beans,
50
00:02:25,579 --> 00:02:27,781
I got every single one of
these beanbags
51
00:02:27,815 --> 00:02:30,784
are filled with...
52
00:02:30,818 --> 00:02:32,853
burritos!
53
00:02:32,886 --> 00:02:36,957
And that way,
while you're chillin'...
54
00:02:36,990 --> 00:02:39,159
you're fillin', right?
55
00:02:39,193 --> 00:02:40,961
Bro Bags!
56
00:02:40,994 --> 00:02:42,896
Welcome to the media center
of the cave.
57
00:02:42,930 --> 00:02:45,666
You got this sweet
flat screen and the X-box.
58
00:02:45,699 --> 00:02:48,236
It's got a Bose sound dock
for sweet sound.
59
00:02:48,269 --> 00:02:50,070
Gotta have it.
Pretty good set-up, yeah?
60
00:02:50,103 --> 00:02:52,005
I would do things a little
different, but if you like it.
61
00:02:52,039 --> 00:02:53,741
Well, like, how could I have
made this better?
62
00:02:53,774 --> 00:02:56,644
Maybe hang the TV on the wall,
hide some wires.
63
00:02:56,677 --> 00:02:58,312
I can't-- like, if I would've
hung that on the wall
64
00:02:58,346 --> 00:03:00,481
and had any kind of
scratch or whatever,
65
00:03:00,514 --> 00:03:02,049
she would've
known I was here, like,
66
00:03:02,082 --> 00:03:04,818
this is more like
stealth mancave,
67
00:03:04,852 --> 00:03:07,054
like in, cave, out!
68
00:03:07,087 --> 00:03:08,989
Just like we killed
Bin Laden, right?
69
00:03:09,022 --> 00:03:13,694
So all things considered,
though...
70
00:03:13,727 --> 00:03:15,028
pretty sweet?
71
00:03:15,062 --> 00:03:17,064
For a temporary set-up
I think you did just fine.
72
00:03:17,097 --> 00:03:18,999
Oh yeaahh!
73
00:03:19,032 --> 00:03:22,202
Okay, that's a huge relief
'cause it's like...
74
00:03:22,236 --> 00:03:23,737
I gotta nail this thing,
man, you know,
75
00:03:23,771 --> 00:03:25,839
I gotta--
this is my home.
76
00:03:25,873 --> 00:03:28,409
It's like I'm not even--
I'm a stranger in my own home.
77
00:03:28,442 --> 00:03:30,511
Even just the fact that
I'm standing here right now,
78
00:03:30,544 --> 00:03:34,348
you know, it's like,
I spend so little time here.
79
00:03:34,382 --> 00:03:36,284
And again,
I support my wife's decision
80
00:03:36,317 --> 00:03:38,952
to not allow the cameras
in here to shoot
81
00:03:38,986 --> 00:03:42,590
and to put our kids on camera,
but I don't see them.
82
00:03:42,623 --> 00:03:44,558
I spend more time
with these actors
83
00:03:44,592 --> 00:03:48,529
that are playing my children
and playing my wife,
84
00:03:48,562 --> 00:03:51,031
and I can't even
enjoy my own home.
85
00:03:51,064 --> 00:03:54,702
It's tough for me,
it's been hard.
86
00:03:54,735 --> 00:03:56,870
But not for these two days
it's not-- whoo!
87
00:03:56,904 --> 00:03:59,440
I'm gonna (bleep)
cut loose!
88
00:03:59,473 --> 00:04:01,241
Of course you gotta have
your snack zone, right?
89
00:04:01,275 --> 00:04:02,376
Snack Zone.
90
00:04:02,410 --> 00:04:03,611
Got a lot of
good stuff here,
91
00:04:03,644 --> 00:04:05,546
got just a ton of 'za,
92
00:04:05,579 --> 00:04:07,715
pretzels over here,
tortilla chips,
93
00:04:07,748 --> 00:04:12,420
and of course, a party wouldn't
be complete without the guac.
94
00:04:12,453 --> 00:04:14,755
Guaaaaaac!
95
00:04:14,788 --> 00:04:16,123
Now check this thing out.
96
00:04:16,156 --> 00:04:19,393
The "Jon Glaser Loves Gear"
ice luge.
97
00:04:19,427 --> 00:04:20,894
The funnel's right up here,
98
00:04:20,928 --> 00:04:24,565
then it goes down the luge
into your mouth, into your gut,
99
00:04:24,598 --> 00:04:26,834
and then into the toilet
later when you piss.
100
00:04:26,867 --> 00:04:28,836
(softly)
One, two, three...
101
00:04:28,869 --> 00:04:31,439
(both)
Fire up the luge!
102
00:04:31,472 --> 00:04:33,307
Chill Zone.
(ice cracking)
103
00:04:33,341 --> 00:04:34,475
All right, here we go.
104
00:04:38,011 --> 00:04:40,113
Yeaaaahhh!
105
00:04:40,147 --> 00:04:42,082
Ready down there, dude?
I'm all set.
106
00:04:42,115 --> 00:04:43,384
Here she comes!
107
00:04:45,185 --> 00:04:47,187
Did you get any?
108
00:04:47,220 --> 00:04:49,457
Oh yeah!
(loud smack)
109
00:04:49,490 --> 00:04:50,858
Dan, thank you very much
for all your help
110
00:04:50,891 --> 00:04:53,327
and your consultation.
Thank you for having me.
111
00:04:53,361 --> 00:04:55,262
Catch you on the other side
of the cave.
112
00:04:55,295 --> 00:04:58,766
Three hours until Chill Fest.
113
00:04:58,799 --> 00:05:01,969
I think we are all set
for Chill Fest '16.
114
00:05:02,002 --> 00:05:04,037
Just waitin'
for my buddies to arrive.
115
00:05:04,071 --> 00:05:05,473
Super pumped about it.
116
00:05:05,506 --> 00:05:07,841
We got this pretty
kick-ass drone set up.
117
00:05:07,875 --> 00:05:10,110
This little dude is perched
and ready to go.
118
00:05:10,143 --> 00:05:12,713
I got this pretty kick-ass
brewsky backpack.
119
00:05:12,746 --> 00:05:14,047
This thing's awesome,
you know,
120
00:05:14,081 --> 00:05:16,283
it's sort of my version
of the bug-out bag,
121
00:05:16,316 --> 00:05:17,951
call it a chug-out bag.
122
00:05:17,985 --> 00:05:19,453
Oh, I got my sport watch on
123
00:05:19,487 --> 00:05:21,655
because I want to see
how many calories I burned.
124
00:05:21,689 --> 00:05:24,057
Let me check into that.
125
00:05:24,091 --> 00:05:26,026
Zero calories burned.
126
00:05:26,059 --> 00:05:29,730
AKA, kicking back hard
in the Chill Zone!
127
00:05:29,763 --> 00:05:32,466
Ohh... yeah!
(ice cracking)
128
00:05:32,500 --> 00:05:35,836
One final order of business here
and we can start the weekend.
129
00:05:35,869 --> 00:05:37,237
(phone beeps)
Hello, Jon.
130
00:05:37,270 --> 00:05:39,172
What gear suggestions
can I help you with today?
131
00:05:39,206 --> 00:05:40,641
No gear suggestions, Gear-i,
132
00:05:40,674 --> 00:05:43,310
I just wanted to remind you
this is Chill Fest weekend,
133
00:05:43,343 --> 00:05:44,645
I got all my buddies
comin' by,
134
00:05:44,678 --> 00:05:46,914
I do not want
to be disturbed.
135
00:05:46,947 --> 00:05:49,517
If my buddies or my wife call
or text, that's fine,
136
00:05:49,550 --> 00:05:53,153
but otherwise,
no talking from you at all.
137
00:05:53,186 --> 00:05:55,656
This is just for me and my
buddies, it's nothing personal,
138
00:05:55,689 --> 00:05:58,125
I just wanna focus on me
and my buds, okay?
139
00:06:01,028 --> 00:06:02,596
Okay, Gear-i?
140
00:06:02,630 --> 00:06:04,698
Just keeping quiet
like you ordered.
141
00:06:04,732 --> 00:06:06,734
Ha-ha-ha,
very funny, Gear-i.
142
00:06:06,767 --> 00:06:08,836
Okay, no talking starting now!
143
00:06:08,869 --> 00:06:10,871
Okay, shutting down
vocal mode.
144
00:06:10,904 --> 00:06:12,172
(phone dinging)
145
00:06:12,205 --> 00:06:14,442
Oh, first text
of the weekend came in.
146
00:06:14,475 --> 00:06:15,843
I got Dowzer.
147
00:06:15,876 --> 00:06:17,077
Probably wants to know about
148
00:06:17,110 --> 00:06:18,245
if he should be
picking up a six
149
00:06:18,278 --> 00:06:23,116
or a lager or an IPA
or something like that.
150
00:06:23,150 --> 00:06:25,118
Dowzer had to cancel,
151
00:06:25,152 --> 00:06:28,689
his wife is sick
and the babysitter cancelled,
152
00:06:28,722 --> 00:06:29,957
so he has to stay home.
153
00:06:30,758 --> 00:06:32,593
Pussy whipped.
154
00:06:32,626 --> 00:06:33,627
All right, no probskies.
155
00:06:33,661 --> 00:06:34,628
(phone dinging)
156
00:06:34,662 --> 00:06:35,863
Oh!
157
00:06:35,896 --> 00:06:38,365
First phone call of the weekend,
it's Vapes!
158
00:06:38,398 --> 00:06:39,733
What's up, Vapes?
159
00:06:39,767 --> 00:06:41,602
What's the good word, dude?
160
00:06:41,635 --> 00:06:43,270
I'm sorry to hear that.
161
00:06:43,303 --> 00:06:44,371
Yeah, you want to hang
with the kids,
162
00:06:44,404 --> 00:06:46,039
listen, I totally get it.
163
00:06:46,073 --> 00:06:47,575
Kid whipped.
164
00:06:47,608 --> 00:06:49,409
Two down, but no bigs, man.
165
00:06:49,443 --> 00:06:54,815
Plenty to go around
for the rest of the dawgs!
166
00:06:54,848 --> 00:06:56,717
All right.
What's up, Kev?
167
00:06:56,750 --> 00:06:57,985
What's goin' on, man?
168
00:06:58,018 --> 00:07:00,821
No, I understand,
that's fine, um...
169
00:07:00,854 --> 00:07:02,756
Bailer.
170
00:07:02,790 --> 00:07:04,992
Well, we're here all weekend
if you want to come by tomorrow.
171
00:07:05,025 --> 00:07:06,927
Another one bites the dust.
172
00:07:06,960 --> 00:07:09,329
That's a lot of stiches, man,
I'm just glad you're okay.
173
00:07:09,362 --> 00:07:10,564
Not gonna make it.
174
00:07:10,598 --> 00:07:12,065
Well, we got
a lot of pizza here
175
00:07:12,099 --> 00:07:15,402
if you want to even swing by
and take some home with you.
176
00:07:15,435 --> 00:07:18,839
"O" for six.
177
00:07:18,872 --> 00:07:20,808
You guys wanna, like...
178
00:07:20,841 --> 00:07:22,476
take five and jam
on this thing, maybe?
179
00:07:22,510 --> 00:07:25,779
It was gonna be Kev
and the crew, but, uh...
180
00:07:25,813 --> 00:07:28,716
it could be the "Jon Glaser
Loves Gear" crew.
181
00:07:32,119 --> 00:07:34,287
(sighing)
182
00:07:40,460 --> 00:07:42,830
(melancholy music)
183
00:07:46,066 --> 00:07:48,969
(lasers zapping on TV)
184
00:07:54,642 --> 00:07:57,645
(melancholy music continues)
185
00:07:59,713 --> 00:08:01,815
(bottles rattling)
186
00:08:15,529 --> 00:08:16,864
(slurring)
This is my house where I live
187
00:08:16,897 --> 00:08:19,232
and I should be able
to shoot here when I want!
188
00:08:28,508 --> 00:08:31,411
Me... my daughter...
189
00:08:31,444 --> 00:08:35,248
that's my son.
190
00:08:35,282 --> 00:08:37,317
(sobbing)
I just...
191
00:08:37,350 --> 00:08:39,486
Are you getting the shot
through the ice?
192
00:08:39,519 --> 00:08:43,523
You gotta tell me,
you're my eyes, but...
193
00:08:47,460 --> 00:08:51,031
'cause I should be here
with my kids.
194
00:08:51,064 --> 00:08:54,334
'cause if they're not,
then what's the point, right?
195
00:08:54,367 --> 00:08:55,769
And if you're not shootin'
through the ice,
196
00:08:55,803 --> 00:08:58,338
what's the point?
197
00:08:58,371 --> 00:09:02,342
See, you guys, this whole show
should be shot through ice!
198
00:09:02,375 --> 00:09:05,846
Right? We gotta go back, we got
to start from day one,
199
00:09:05,879 --> 00:09:08,048
reshoot and we're
gonna do it through ice!
200
00:09:09,583 --> 00:09:10,550
(phone dings)
201
00:09:10,584 --> 00:09:14,054
Gear-i...
202
00:09:14,087 --> 00:09:18,025
Come on, Gear-i, you can talk,
it's okay, you can speak now,
203
00:09:18,058 --> 00:09:20,460
you're allowed
to talk to me.
204
00:09:20,493 --> 00:09:22,630
Gear-i, come on!
205
00:09:23,731 --> 00:09:25,599
Gear-i, come on!
206
00:09:30,270 --> 00:09:32,405
(sighing through megaphone)
207
00:09:32,439 --> 00:09:35,142
No, hold on.
208
00:09:35,175 --> 00:09:40,714
Man, you wanna grab
a drink after we wrap?
209
00:09:40,748 --> 00:09:42,415
What do I say again?
210
00:09:42,449 --> 00:09:43,884
I say "gear"? Why?
211
00:09:43,917 --> 00:09:46,453
I know it's the name of
the show, but why is this,
212
00:09:46,486 --> 00:09:49,890
why does a megaphone come in
when I yell "gear"?
213
00:09:49,923 --> 00:09:52,259
It's... stupid.
214
00:09:52,292 --> 00:09:53,927
Gear.
215
00:09:53,961 --> 00:09:56,897
It's a comedy twist.
216
00:09:56,930 --> 00:09:58,098
Comedy's so easy, man.
217
00:09:58,131 --> 00:09:59,733
It takes somebody
to give it a twist.
218
00:09:59,767 --> 00:10:03,637
Dwayne Wade?
More like Dwayne not.
219
00:10:03,671 --> 00:10:05,038
See?
220
00:10:08,041 --> 00:10:09,609
(flask clatters on ground)
221
00:10:09,643 --> 00:10:13,080
(slurring)
Hey, you ever seen
a titanium flask?
222
00:10:13,113 --> 00:10:14,447
It's pretty cool.
223
00:10:14,481 --> 00:10:16,149
You ever see something
this cool?
224
00:10:16,183 --> 00:10:17,484
This is titanium.
(laughs weakly)
225
00:10:17,517 --> 00:10:19,519
Dude, you are
the funniest dude.
226
00:10:19,552 --> 00:10:22,255
"Delocated" is the funniest--
Dude, (bleep) "Delocated".
227
00:10:22,289 --> 00:10:24,758
You wanna see this flask?
That's a pretty cool flask.
228
00:10:24,792 --> 00:10:26,193
Are you doing okay, man?
229
00:10:26,226 --> 00:10:27,494
I'm doing good.
Yeah?
230
00:10:27,527 --> 00:10:29,763
Yeah, I'm just, you know,
having a sad night,
231
00:10:29,797 --> 00:10:31,999
I'm missing my kids
and my wife.
232
00:10:40,373 --> 00:10:45,278
(blues music playing in bar)
233
00:10:45,312 --> 00:10:47,748
(ice rattling)
234
00:10:59,760 --> 00:11:01,795
Hey, man,
what's this thing called?
235
00:11:01,829 --> 00:11:03,063
It's super cool,
I always--
236
00:11:03,096 --> 00:11:06,900
Hey, no talking,
no talking in here.
237
00:11:22,282 --> 00:11:24,384
(whispering)
Hey, man, hey.
238
00:11:24,417 --> 00:11:27,154
That's a cool helmet.
239
00:11:27,187 --> 00:11:28,221
It's awesome.
240
00:11:28,255 --> 00:11:29,556
(whispering)
Yeah, thanks.
241
00:11:29,589 --> 00:11:32,092
Did you just get that,
is that a new model?
242
00:11:32,125 --> 00:11:33,360
(slurring)
I don't know.
243
00:11:33,393 --> 00:11:35,028
A gift from my wife.
244
00:11:35,062 --> 00:11:37,264
I like this jersey too,
this is cool.
245
00:11:37,297 --> 00:11:38,165
Thanks.
246
00:11:38,198 --> 00:11:39,432
Is that Argentinian?
247
00:11:39,466 --> 00:11:41,101
I've never seen zippers
like that.
248
00:11:41,134 --> 00:11:43,570
I think it's Chicago.
249
00:11:43,603 --> 00:11:44,838
My wife,
she's out of town,
250
00:11:44,872 --> 00:11:46,339
she went away with some
girlfriends
251
00:11:46,373 --> 00:11:47,775
on a weekend getaway.
252
00:11:47,808 --> 00:11:50,210
My kids are at
a sleepover.
253
00:11:50,243 --> 00:11:52,545
I thought, all right,
I got some solo time for myself,
254
00:11:52,579 --> 00:11:55,382
so I took the bike out
for a good ride.
255
00:11:55,415 --> 00:11:57,951
Then I got too sad
about a tenth of a mile in
256
00:11:57,985 --> 00:12:00,287
and came in for a drink...
257
00:12:00,320 --> 00:12:02,422
four hours ago.
258
00:12:02,455 --> 00:12:05,759
You got a cyclometer
on your handlebars?
259
00:12:05,793 --> 00:12:08,762
Hey! If you guys aren't
gonna be lonely in here,
260
00:12:08,796 --> 00:12:10,697
take it outside!
261
00:12:10,730 --> 00:12:12,766
We're just talking
about gear, man.
262
00:12:12,800 --> 00:12:14,601
We're just talking about
cool gear, all right?
263
00:12:14,634 --> 00:12:15,803
Listen, no word.
264
00:12:15,836 --> 00:12:17,204
And I don't know
what your problem is,
265
00:12:17,237 --> 00:12:18,638
but I just wanna ask you
about this gear...
266
00:12:18,671 --> 00:12:20,974
Look, all right,
everybody out.
267
00:12:21,008 --> 00:12:23,944
You guys, out.
No talking.
268
00:12:23,977 --> 00:12:25,378
I told you the rules,
one rule.
...ask you a question...
269
00:12:25,412 --> 00:12:26,980
I let you guys
in here-- out.
270
00:12:27,014 --> 00:12:28,816
I wanna know, like,
why is this cool,
271
00:12:28,849 --> 00:12:30,550
and you can't even
tell me what it's called?
272
00:12:30,583 --> 00:12:32,052
Outside!
273
00:12:32,085 --> 00:12:33,653
(bartender)
We cannot have words in here,
274
00:12:33,686 --> 00:12:34,955
come on, out, out, out!
275
00:12:34,988 --> 00:12:36,223
(Jon)
I was just trying
276
00:12:36,256 --> 00:12:37,224
to ask this guy
what that thing's called,
277
00:12:37,257 --> 00:12:38,391
it looks cool,
and he was, like,
278
00:12:38,425 --> 00:12:42,062
gotta be a (bleeps)
about it, right?
279
00:12:42,095 --> 00:12:44,331
You don't see 'em
all the time,
280
00:12:44,364 --> 00:12:45,665
and it's like
what's that thing called?
281
00:12:45,698 --> 00:12:48,601
I just wanna know
'cause it's cool.
282
00:12:48,635 --> 00:12:50,003
I don't know
what it's called.
283
00:12:50,037 --> 00:12:51,138
You got a bike, man?
Can I see your ride?
284
00:12:51,171 --> 00:12:52,405
Yeah, you wanna see it?
285
00:12:52,439 --> 00:12:53,573
You got a mountain bike
or you got a road bike?
286
00:12:53,606 --> 00:12:56,576
No, it's a nice red one.
287
00:12:56,609 --> 00:12:59,512
You wanna pick it up?
Holy shit.
288
00:12:59,546 --> 00:13:01,915
It's nothing.
289
00:13:01,949 --> 00:13:03,350
Talk about light.
290
00:13:03,383 --> 00:13:05,685
This is rad, man.
291
00:13:05,718 --> 00:13:10,357
Nice ass handlebars,
the stem is real good.
292
00:13:10,390 --> 00:13:13,260
Yeah, be careful
of the paint.
293
00:13:13,293 --> 00:13:16,663
That's a sick ass
bike, man.
294
00:13:16,696 --> 00:13:18,298
This way.
295
00:13:18,331 --> 00:13:21,668
Once all my friends bailed
and I was alone with my thoughts
296
00:13:21,701 --> 00:13:24,537
and just could focus on
the loneliness,
297
00:13:24,571 --> 00:13:27,340
it got real hard.
298
00:13:27,374 --> 00:13:31,178
And that's when
I felt like just...
299
00:13:31,211 --> 00:13:34,814
could use the physical
contact of a hug
300
00:13:34,848 --> 00:13:38,451
and just make,
makes me feel good.
301
00:13:38,485 --> 00:13:41,788
Sometimes that's
all you need, right?
302
00:13:41,821 --> 00:13:43,390
Thanks, man.
303
00:13:43,423 --> 00:13:45,492
It's been really great
to talk to you
304
00:13:45,525 --> 00:13:49,897
about cool, my gear,
and you're such a...
305
00:13:49,930 --> 00:13:53,533
Ow, what's going on
back there?
306
00:13:53,566 --> 00:13:56,836
I think a racoon was...
307
00:13:56,870 --> 00:13:59,406
What was that?
(slurring)
It was just me.
308
00:13:59,439 --> 00:14:03,110
(slurring)
What's happening here?
309
00:14:05,412 --> 00:14:07,747
(mumbling)
Gear?
310
00:14:24,464 --> 00:14:27,167
Yeah, I'm glad you were
cool with that, huh?
311
00:14:27,200 --> 00:14:30,670
You know, not like those
uptight, lonely dads
312
00:14:30,703 --> 00:14:34,942
who freak out and go run
into some sex shop or something.
313
00:14:37,477 --> 00:14:39,446
Are you even a dad?
314
00:14:41,214 --> 00:14:42,749
(Jon)
I definitely didn't freak out,
315
00:14:42,782 --> 00:14:44,952
but my new dad friend
got me thinking.
316
00:14:44,985 --> 00:14:47,254
Since everyone
I loved abandoned me,
317
00:14:47,287 --> 00:14:49,022
then maybe it was time
to take care of myself.
318
00:14:49,056 --> 00:14:50,623
(woman)
Can I show you?
319
00:14:50,657 --> 00:14:53,026
It's very stretchy, so you put
it on the head of your penis...
320
00:14:53,060 --> 00:14:54,294
Oh, oh, yeah.
...and it's on the most
321
00:14:54,327 --> 00:14:56,796
sensitive part and all these
little nubs are...
322
00:14:56,829 --> 00:14:58,698
And so does this go on the top
of your penis...
323
00:14:58,731 --> 00:15:00,100
That's right.
...and you just punch it?
324
00:15:00,133 --> 00:15:02,269
No, uh, no.
325
00:15:02,302 --> 00:15:04,137
I can already tell
this one's great.
326
00:15:04,171 --> 00:15:06,039
So that just goes...
right?
327
00:15:06,073 --> 00:15:07,440
Right on your penis,
that's right.
328
00:15:07,474 --> 00:15:08,942
It goes right in there.
Mm-hmm.
329
00:15:08,976 --> 00:15:10,643
I can see it, like...
330
00:15:10,677 --> 00:15:12,312
It has several speeds.
331
00:15:12,345 --> 00:15:16,283
It's like taking your (bleep)
on the Autobahn.
332
00:15:16,316 --> 00:15:19,119
This looks like
Boba Fett's ship, right?
333
00:15:19,152 --> 00:15:20,253
Yeah.
334
00:15:20,287 --> 00:15:21,554
(imitating spaceship whirring)
I know.
335
00:15:21,588 --> 00:15:23,223
And it lands on planet (bleep).
336
00:15:23,256 --> 00:15:26,159
Looks like something from,
uh, "Finding Dory".
337
00:15:26,193 --> 00:15:27,995
I just took my daughter--
she was a little scared,
338
00:15:28,028 --> 00:15:29,162
she's four and a half.
339
00:15:29,196 --> 00:15:31,064
Those movies go
too far sometimes.
340
00:15:31,098 --> 00:15:33,900
But how about "Inside Out"
where the guy gave up his life?
341
00:15:33,933 --> 00:15:35,335
I mean, that was...
342
00:15:35,368 --> 00:15:37,737
I really liked that movie.
343
00:15:37,770 --> 00:15:39,672
Oh, yeah, yeah,
that was deep.
344
00:15:39,706 --> 00:15:41,574
You're right, you're right,
that was really--
345
00:15:41,608 --> 00:15:42,909
it gave me chills
a little bit.
346
00:15:42,942 --> 00:15:44,677
Me too, I'm gonna cry
right now...
347
00:15:44,711 --> 00:15:46,013
Yeah.
...just remembering it...
348
00:15:46,046 --> 00:15:47,347
Mm-hmm.
...and my kids are--
349
00:15:47,380 --> 00:15:49,349
I don't have my kids
this weekend.
350
00:15:49,382 --> 00:15:51,118
Oh, yeah.
(sighing deeply)
351
00:15:51,151 --> 00:15:52,652
Let's talk about
something else.
352
00:15:52,685 --> 00:15:53,987
Yeah, let's get back to
something...
353
00:15:54,021 --> 00:15:55,855
Lube.
...I could put on my (bleep).
354
00:15:55,888 --> 00:15:57,757
This is the show,
right here.
355
00:15:57,790 --> 00:16:01,528
(imitating pump sounds)
356
00:16:01,561 --> 00:16:03,663
Good sound.
357
00:16:05,565 --> 00:16:06,966
Right?
358
00:16:07,000 --> 00:16:08,835
Thanks so much for your help,
I really appreciate it,
359
00:16:08,868 --> 00:16:11,538
and I'm gonna
look forward to going home
360
00:16:11,571 --> 00:16:13,640
and I'm just
gonna go masturbate.
361
00:16:18,911 --> 00:16:21,048
(whirring)
362
00:16:25,052 --> 00:16:27,554
(rotors whirring)
363
00:16:58,451 --> 00:17:01,388
(whirring stops,
Jon sobbing)
364
00:17:01,421 --> 00:17:03,890
(melancholy music)
365
00:17:08,628 --> 00:17:10,897
(Gear-i)
Jon?
366
00:17:13,066 --> 00:17:16,336
Gear-i, you...
367
00:17:16,369 --> 00:17:18,538
You're talking to me,
you're not mad?
368
00:17:18,571 --> 00:17:19,839
I wasn't mad.
369
00:17:19,872 --> 00:17:21,608
Why would you think
I was mad?
370
00:17:21,641 --> 00:17:23,176
Because you told me to shut
the mouth I don't have
371
00:17:23,210 --> 00:17:24,944
and keep quiet and not partake
in fun with your friends
372
00:17:24,977 --> 00:17:27,013
who didn't even show up?
373
00:17:27,046 --> 00:17:28,615
No, I'm not mad,
374
00:17:28,648 --> 00:17:31,451
I'm just letting you know you
received a text from your wife.
375
00:17:31,484 --> 00:17:35,021
Gear-i, read it
out loud to me, Gear-i.
376
00:17:35,054 --> 00:17:38,425
She says, "Ugh, the kids
and mom are driving me crazy!
377
00:17:38,458 --> 00:17:40,960
"I hope you're enjoying
your freedom.
378
00:17:40,993 --> 00:17:43,563
See you tomorrow night."
379
00:17:43,596 --> 00:17:47,967
You know, Gear-i,
I gotta say, it's...
380
00:17:48,000 --> 00:17:50,103
I don't even care
if my friends didn't show up,
381
00:17:50,137 --> 00:17:52,805
at least I'm not dealing
with that!
382
00:17:52,839 --> 00:17:55,642
Gear-i, bring up gear
suggestions for a guy
383
00:17:55,675 --> 00:17:58,478
that's not tied down
by a wife and two kids.
384
00:17:58,511 --> 00:18:00,647
Here are suggestions
for a midlife crisis.
385
00:18:00,680 --> 00:18:02,982
Yeah, now we're talking,
we're back on track.
386
00:18:03,015 --> 00:18:05,318
Chill Fest!
387
00:18:05,352 --> 00:18:08,488
Gear!
388
00:18:08,521 --> 00:18:09,622
Where's the megaphone?
389
00:18:11,324 --> 00:18:12,825
(Jon)
My wife having an awful time
390
00:18:12,859 --> 00:18:15,628
sobered me up to realize I had
to forget my family
391
00:18:15,662 --> 00:18:17,630
and savor my freedom.
392
00:18:17,664 --> 00:18:20,400
Gear-i, hit me with those sweet
suggestions.
393
00:18:20,433 --> 00:18:21,634
To illustrate to the world
394
00:18:21,668 --> 00:18:23,236
that you're hanging on
by a thread,
395
00:18:23,270 --> 00:18:26,573
I'd recommend drop crotch pants
and a long tailed t-shirt.
396
00:18:26,606 --> 00:18:29,242
(Jon)
Jonny Glaze!
397
00:18:29,276 --> 00:18:30,910
That outfit, yeah,
it looks good.
398
00:18:30,943 --> 00:18:32,279
Not bad, right?
Yeah.
399
00:18:32,312 --> 00:18:33,646
No risk, no reward, right?
400
00:18:33,680 --> 00:18:34,747
I like that.
401
00:18:34,781 --> 00:18:36,249
You like these kicks?
Definitely.
402
00:18:36,283 --> 00:18:37,750
Thanks, dude, because I want
to make sure
403
00:18:37,784 --> 00:18:40,787
there's nothing about this
that should feel like, oh,
404
00:18:40,820 --> 00:18:43,423
that's like a dad that's
unraveling.
405
00:18:43,456 --> 00:18:46,025
To get around town,
I'd recommend a Razor scooter.
406
00:18:46,058 --> 00:18:47,460
(Jon)
Yeah!
407
00:18:47,494 --> 00:18:51,130
Pretty soon they're gonna start
callin' me Jonny Jumps!
408
00:18:51,164 --> 00:18:55,034
Jonny Jumps.
409
00:18:55,067 --> 00:18:56,336
(Jon)
The best part is,
410
00:18:56,369 --> 00:18:58,771
you can hook up a GoPro
for those cool shots.
411
00:18:58,805 --> 00:19:01,474
(hard rock music)
412
00:19:01,508 --> 00:19:02,775
(Gear-i)
Stop by a vape shop
413
00:19:02,809 --> 00:19:04,444
and get yourself
an electronic cigarette
414
00:19:04,477 --> 00:19:06,779
with custom added
mini truck nuts.
415
00:19:06,813 --> 00:19:08,848
(coughing)
416
00:19:08,881 --> 00:19:12,319
(chuckling)
Ohhh.... yeaaahhh...
417
00:19:17,357 --> 00:19:18,658
Keep it together, Jon.
418
00:19:18,691 --> 00:19:20,793
I have one more gear
recommendation.
419
00:19:20,827 --> 00:19:23,863
(Jon)
Ohhh.... yeahhhhh....
420
00:19:23,896 --> 00:19:25,131
(engine revving)
421
00:19:25,164 --> 00:19:28,668
(Gear-i)
A Ferrari F430
Spider sports car.
422
00:19:28,701 --> 00:19:31,971
Yeah, talk about a cherry
on the weekend sundae.
423
00:19:32,004 --> 00:19:35,475
I rented this boss ride to go
cruisin' around the city.
424
00:19:35,508 --> 00:19:38,311
All that's left to do is to hang
these bad boys on the back,
425
00:19:38,345 --> 00:19:41,381
take 'em for
a little spin-- whoops.
426
00:19:41,414 --> 00:19:43,082
Give me one sec.
427
00:19:46,386 --> 00:19:47,987
Whoa!
428
00:19:48,020 --> 00:19:49,055
Oh!
429
00:19:49,088 --> 00:19:52,158
Almost slipped on
some nuts.
430
00:19:52,191 --> 00:19:53,993
Ow!
431
00:19:54,026 --> 00:19:56,996
Shit.
432
00:19:57,029 --> 00:19:58,498
(Bleep)
433
00:19:58,531 --> 00:20:00,433
(Jon)
With precious little time left
in Chill Fest,
434
00:20:00,467 --> 00:20:02,269
I had to figure out
what happened to my foot
435
00:20:02,302 --> 00:20:06,273
and get back to soaking up
the last drops of cool.
436
00:20:06,306 --> 00:20:08,074
I was just stepping
out of my Ferrari,
437
00:20:08,107 --> 00:20:09,409
and I don't even know
what I did.
438
00:20:09,442 --> 00:20:10,843
I didn't even--
there was nothing there.
439
00:20:10,877 --> 00:20:12,845
There was some, like, big rock,
and I almost slipped on it,
440
00:20:12,879 --> 00:20:14,847
but I don't even know
what happened.
441
00:20:14,881 --> 00:20:17,250
It's candy apple red,
by the way, a super sweet look.
442
00:20:17,284 --> 00:20:19,686
Okay, did you hear a pop
or anything, any swelling?
443
00:20:19,719 --> 00:20:21,187
Nope, I didn't hear anything
444
00:20:21,220 --> 00:20:24,391
other than the cool purr
of that Ferrari's engine.
445
00:20:24,424 --> 00:20:26,092
Do you have
any pain here?
446
00:20:26,125 --> 00:20:27,460
No.
No?
447
00:20:27,494 --> 00:20:29,195
Anything here?
448
00:20:29,228 --> 00:20:31,564
Uh, it's tender,
that's kind of...
449
00:20:31,598 --> 00:20:33,533
that's kind of where
it flared up.
450
00:20:33,566 --> 00:20:35,034
It doesn't look like
anything's broken.
451
00:20:35,067 --> 00:20:40,707
Honestly, um, maybe just
a touch of arthritis and...
452
00:20:40,740 --> 00:20:43,943
Time out.
453
00:20:43,976 --> 00:20:46,379
That's like old people talk.
Hmm...
454
00:20:46,413 --> 00:20:49,282
I mean, I'm a young cool guy,
clearly, so,
455
00:20:49,316 --> 00:20:50,883
it can't be arthritis,
right?
456
00:20:50,917 --> 00:20:54,220
Arthritis is when you're old
and you're like... right?
457
00:20:54,253 --> 00:20:57,089
Remember that commercial, like,
you try to open the bottle,
458
00:20:57,123 --> 00:21:00,660
it's just two hands, it was just
like a very simple commercial,
459
00:21:00,693 --> 00:21:03,396
and it's just, you know, they--
the hands couldn't open it
460
00:21:03,430 --> 00:21:06,466
because the hands hurt
because of the arthritis.
461
00:21:06,499 --> 00:21:07,967
(whispering)
What was it called?
462
00:21:08,000 --> 00:21:09,001
See, now I can't remember,
463
00:21:09,035 --> 00:21:11,738
maybe it is getting old,
oh, my God.
464
00:21:11,771 --> 00:21:13,606
Geritol, got it,
it's Geritol.
465
00:21:13,640 --> 00:21:14,574
I'm good.
466
00:21:14,607 --> 00:21:16,075
Young and cool.
467
00:21:16,108 --> 00:21:17,910
You certainly are young
and cool, but uh,
468
00:21:17,944 --> 00:21:21,247
I think we need to talk
maybe about your footwear
469
00:21:21,280 --> 00:21:26,419
and wearing something a little
more orthopedic... (echoing)
470
00:21:26,453 --> 00:21:28,421
(Jon)
Jonny Blaze... (echoing)
471
00:21:28,455 --> 00:21:30,156
Hello!
472
00:21:30,189 --> 00:21:31,424
You gotta stop saying
"arthritis"
473
00:21:31,458 --> 00:21:32,592
and "orthopedic," please.
474
00:21:32,625 --> 00:21:34,827
I'm sorry.
Ooh, boy.
475
00:21:34,861 --> 00:21:35,828
Just start
with your footwear,
476
00:21:35,862 --> 00:21:37,530
a little more
comfortable shoes
477
00:21:37,564 --> 00:21:40,099
with some nice,
comfortable inserts.
478
00:21:40,132 --> 00:21:41,534
You want to go take a look
at what we have?
479
00:21:41,568 --> 00:21:43,235
Uh, yeah.
480
00:21:47,974 --> 00:21:49,776
Not so bad, are they?
481
00:21:49,809 --> 00:21:51,878
Um... yeah.
482
00:21:53,045 --> 00:21:56,048
Got great support.
483
00:21:56,082 --> 00:22:00,453
Also two Velcro straps, get your
foot into nice and easy.
484
00:22:00,487 --> 00:22:01,688
(Velcro rips)
485
00:22:01,721 --> 00:22:03,222
It's such a big difference
from those,
486
00:22:03,255 --> 00:22:04,290
you're not gonna be sorry.
487
00:22:04,323 --> 00:22:05,558
Yeah,
it is a big difference.
488
00:22:05,592 --> 00:22:07,026
You're really
gonna thank me.
489
00:22:07,059 --> 00:22:10,329
A good arch support is gonna
help with the arthritis.
490
00:22:10,363 --> 00:22:12,031
Don't say "arthritis"
anymore, please.
491
00:22:12,064 --> 00:22:13,966
I'm sorry.
It's okay.
492
00:22:14,000 --> 00:22:16,202
We'll just call it
"cool-thritis," how's that?
493
00:22:16,235 --> 00:22:17,804
Cool-thritis!
494
00:22:17,837 --> 00:22:19,038
Better.
495
00:22:19,071 --> 00:22:22,041
Okay, I'd like for you
to take a little walk.
496
00:22:22,074 --> 00:22:24,010
I'll give it a try.
497
00:22:28,047 --> 00:22:29,849
Not bad, not bad.
498
00:22:29,882 --> 00:22:33,653
How do those feel?
499
00:22:33,686 --> 00:22:35,855
Not so bad.
500
00:22:35,888 --> 00:22:37,690
Wow.
501
00:22:37,724 --> 00:22:39,025
Comfort is cool.
502
00:22:39,058 --> 00:22:41,594
Uh... yeah.
503
00:22:41,628 --> 00:22:44,230
Comfort is cool.
(ice cracking)
504
00:22:44,263 --> 00:22:46,533
I mean,
look at that, right?
505
00:22:46,566 --> 00:22:48,935
It's like I took
a few years off.
506
00:22:48,968 --> 00:22:51,538
Whoa, man!
Mmm!
507
00:22:51,571 --> 00:22:55,007
Hey, uh, watch this shit,
man, like...
508
00:22:55,041 --> 00:22:57,444
(Bleep) you, old shoes.
509
00:22:57,477 --> 00:22:59,011
There's a new cool
in town.
510
00:22:59,045 --> 00:23:01,414
(upbeat jazz music)
511
00:23:01,448 --> 00:23:02,214
(Jon)
I couldn't believe
512
00:23:02,248 --> 00:23:03,783
how good my feet felt.
513
00:23:03,816 --> 00:23:05,418
For that matter,
I couldn't believe how good
514
00:23:05,452 --> 00:23:08,220
my whole emotional
state of mind felt.
515
00:23:10,557 --> 00:23:12,024
There was no doubt
about it--
516
00:23:12,058 --> 00:23:13,960
thanks to this amazing
old person gear,
517
00:23:13,993 --> 00:23:15,862
I no longer
missed my family.
518
00:23:15,895 --> 00:23:18,364
Jonny Glaze was back!
519
00:23:18,397 --> 00:23:19,699
(Gear-i)
Jon, I have to say,
520
00:23:19,732 --> 00:23:21,901
I haven't see you this happy
in a long time.
521
00:23:21,934 --> 00:23:23,870
Well, that's because
I've never been more comfortable
522
00:23:23,903 --> 00:23:26,272
in my whole life.
523
00:23:26,305 --> 00:23:27,640
Gear!
524
00:23:31,444 --> 00:23:33,412
(shouting)
What's up, hey!
525
00:23:33,446 --> 00:23:35,448
Hi.
Hey, kids, how's grandma's?
526
00:23:35,482 --> 00:23:36,816
Okay.
527
00:23:36,849 --> 00:23:37,817
Did you guys have fun?
528
00:23:37,850 --> 00:23:39,318
Yeah, sweetie,
you're yelling.
529
00:23:39,351 --> 00:23:41,821
I can't hear you,
my cans are too loud!
530
00:23:41,854 --> 00:23:43,756
You're yelling.
Oh, sorry.
531
00:23:43,790 --> 00:23:45,658
Blasting my tunes.
Come on, sweetie.
532
00:23:45,692 --> 00:23:47,093
How nice are these cans,
you guys?
533
00:23:47,126 --> 00:23:48,761
Pretty good bass on 'em,
I'll let you listen later.
534
00:23:48,795 --> 00:23:49,996
Okay, come on.
535
00:23:50,029 --> 00:23:51,397
Did you guys have fun?
Yeah, we had a nice time.
536
00:23:51,430 --> 00:23:52,665
How was grandma's?
537
00:23:52,699 --> 00:23:53,766
You just asked that.
538
00:23:53,800 --> 00:23:55,968
Hey, what should we do
for dinner?
539
00:23:56,002 --> 00:23:57,570
You guys hungry yet?
540
00:23:57,604 --> 00:23:58,671
No, we just got in,
sweetie.
541
00:23:58,705 --> 00:24:00,006
How comfortable
do I look?
542
00:24:00,039 --> 00:24:02,141
Guys, I'm so comfortable.
543
00:24:02,174 --> 00:24:04,744
Get ready,
this is your new daddy.
544
00:24:04,777 --> 00:24:07,514
You guys wanna do Brazilian
food for dinner?
545
00:24:07,547 --> 00:24:10,416
It'll be like we're in Rio
for the Olympics.
546
00:24:10,449 --> 00:24:12,852
All right, I'll see you guys
in a bit-- welcome back!
547
00:24:12,885 --> 00:24:15,588
I'm doing laps
around the neighborhood!
548
00:24:15,622 --> 00:24:17,957
I love you guys!
Glad you're back!
549
00:24:17,990 --> 00:24:20,159
Chill Fest.
550
00:24:20,192 --> 00:24:22,895
(hard rock music)
551
00:24:30,537 --> 00:24:34,574
(Jon)
Ohhhh... yeaahhhh!
39607
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Albanian
Amharic
Arabic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bengali
Bosnian
Bulgarian
Catalan
Cebuano
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
English
Esperanto
Estonian
Finnish
French
Frisian
Galician
Georgian
German
Greek
Gujarati
Haitian Creole
Hawaiian
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Kazakh
Khmer
Korean
Kurdish (Kurmanji)
Kyrgyz
Lao
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Polish
Portuguese
Romanian
Russian
Samoan
Serbian
Sesotho
Shona
Sinhala
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Spanish
Swahili
Swedish
Tajik
Thai
Turkish
Ukrainian
Urdu
Uzbek
Vietnamese
