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1
00:00:06,774 --> 00:00:08,876
Today on
"Jon Glaser Loves Gear"...
2
00:00:12,546 --> 00:00:14,782
Space!
3
00:00:14,782 --> 00:00:16,617
Gear!
4
00:00:16,617 --> 00:00:20,221
*
5
00:00:32,866 --> 00:00:34,768
Gear!
6
00:00:36,537 --> 00:00:39,307
Welcome to the "Jon Glaser
Loves Gear" production office
7
00:00:39,307 --> 00:00:44,044
where I am very excited
to finally be able to announce
8
00:00:44,044 --> 00:00:48,482
that "Jon Glaser Loves Gear"
is going into outer space.
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00:00:48,482 --> 00:00:51,785
We have partnered with
Elon Musk's company, SpaceX,
10
00:00:51,785 --> 00:00:55,089
where I will be joining a manned
mission to the ISS,
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00:00:55,089 --> 00:00:56,824
or as you earthies call it,
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00:00:56,824 --> 00:00:58,592
the International
Space Station.
13
00:00:58,592 --> 00:01:00,894
Now, this has been
a top secret project
14
00:01:00,894 --> 00:01:02,430
that truTV and I
have been working on
15
00:01:02,430 --> 00:01:05,266
for over the last year,
and honestly,
16
00:01:05,266 --> 00:01:07,268
I cannot believe
the day is finally here
17
00:01:07,268 --> 00:01:10,238
and tomorrow I will be
in outer space.
18
00:01:10,238 --> 00:01:11,572
It's crazy to even
think about it.
19
00:01:11,572 --> 00:01:13,841
No, it's okay,
you can let him through, yeah.
20
00:01:13,841 --> 00:01:17,178
Uh, this is my last land meal
for the next two weeks.
21
00:01:17,178 --> 00:01:18,946
Got one of my favorite
fried chicken sandwiches
22
00:01:18,946 --> 00:01:20,148
in all of New York City,
23
00:01:20,148 --> 00:01:24,017
and this is for you,
a big $20 tip.
24
00:01:24,017 --> 00:01:25,519
Wow, I really
appreciate it, man.
25
00:01:25,519 --> 00:01:27,755
No problem, man, I mean,
I'm going into space, so, uh,
26
00:01:27,755 --> 00:01:29,190
might not come back.
27
00:01:29,190 --> 00:01:30,791
Might as well go forward
on the tip.
28
00:01:30,791 --> 00:01:33,127
All right, have a good one.
You too, take care.
29
00:01:33,127 --> 00:01:34,762
All right!
30
00:01:34,762 --> 00:01:37,698
Psyched to dig into this.
31
00:01:37,698 --> 00:01:43,137
Very excited, I got my favorite
fried chicken sandwich...
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00:01:43,137 --> 00:01:47,175
and some of the best fries
in New York City.
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00:01:49,109 --> 00:01:50,711
Mmm!
34
00:01:50,711 --> 00:01:51,845
Oh, yeah!
35
00:01:51,845 --> 00:01:53,781
I hope the food's
as good in space.
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00:01:53,781 --> 00:01:55,115
(chuckling)
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00:01:55,115 --> 00:01:57,985
Let's wash that bite down
with some fries.
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00:02:00,454 --> 00:02:04,192
What the (bleep)?
39
00:02:04,192 --> 00:02:05,859
Oh, my God, seriously?
40
00:02:05,859 --> 00:02:06,860
(spits)
41
00:02:06,860 --> 00:02:08,128
Can we cut for a second?
42
00:02:08,128 --> 00:02:09,497
I got cold fries,
I gotta call the restaurant.
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00:02:11,199 --> 00:02:12,800
And look, let me just, let me
just say right off the bat
44
00:02:12,800 --> 00:02:15,469
that I understand fries
don't travel well, okay,
45
00:02:15,469 --> 00:02:17,070
I know it's a tough food
to deliver,
46
00:02:17,070 --> 00:02:20,140
but you gotta have something
in place to have your--
47
00:02:20,140 --> 00:02:21,375
to make your fries warm.
48
00:02:21,375 --> 00:02:23,344
You can't serve ice-cold fries
to a customer.
49
00:02:24,912 --> 00:02:26,314
As a business owner
I'm sure you'd agree.
50
00:02:26,314 --> 00:02:27,815
As a restaurant--
as a food person,
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00:02:27,815 --> 00:02:30,184
you don't want a shitty product
going out there.
52
00:02:31,652 --> 00:02:32,920
Then simply tell this guy,
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00:02:32,920 --> 00:02:36,023
"Do not leave the restaurant
without a warming bag.
54
00:02:36,023 --> 00:02:37,191
"Even if you're going
right around the corner,
55
00:02:37,191 --> 00:02:38,226
it doesn't matter."
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00:02:39,393 --> 00:02:42,896
These were ice-cold
and uneatable
57
00:02:42,896 --> 00:02:44,598
and it just
wasn't good, okay?
58
00:02:44,598 --> 00:02:46,500
That's my point, so...
59
00:02:46,500 --> 00:02:48,502
Yeah, thank you very much.
Give me a credit,
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00:02:48,502 --> 00:02:49,537
I'll call you back
in a couple of weeks
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00:02:49,537 --> 00:02:51,272
when I'm back from space.
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00:02:51,272 --> 00:02:54,107
(blowing lips)
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00:02:54,107 --> 00:02:56,577
Yeah.
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00:02:56,577 --> 00:02:58,512
(sighing)
65
00:03:03,384 --> 00:03:05,353
(sighing)
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00:03:05,353 --> 00:03:08,556
(Bleep)!
67
00:03:08,556 --> 00:03:11,124
They are gonna fire this guy
as soon as he gets back
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00:03:11,124 --> 00:03:13,861
to the restaurant
and he is gonna know
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00:03:13,861 --> 00:03:17,365
it's because I called
to complain.
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00:03:17,365 --> 00:03:21,034
Clearly I was his last
delivery... right?
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00:03:21,034 --> 00:03:22,436
And he knows where I work.
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00:03:22,436 --> 00:03:24,238
He's gonna come back here
and murder me.
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00:03:24,238 --> 00:03:25,806
But Jon,
you're not in danger,
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00:03:25,806 --> 00:03:27,441
you're going into space.
75
00:03:27,441 --> 00:03:29,277
Yeah, tomorrow!
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00:03:29,277 --> 00:03:31,245
What's gonna stop him
from coming here
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00:03:31,245 --> 00:03:32,646
and slitting my throat?
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00:03:35,215 --> 00:03:36,884
I mean, even if the guy comes
back and we have a fight
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00:03:36,884 --> 00:03:39,287
and I'm able to get away,
he knows where I'm going--
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00:03:39,287 --> 00:03:40,954
I told him
I'm going to space,
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00:03:40,954 --> 00:03:43,223
it's clearly written
on the production calendar.
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00:03:43,223 --> 00:03:45,393
We got this astronaut
costume here.
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00:03:45,393 --> 00:03:46,894
And if I can get to space,
84
00:03:46,894 --> 00:03:48,762
then what's to stop him from
getting to space?
85
00:03:48,762 --> 00:03:50,898
He'll find a way!
86
00:03:50,898 --> 00:03:52,065
And let's say
he comes to space
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00:03:52,065 --> 00:03:53,601
and we get in some kind of
space fight
88
00:03:53,601 --> 00:03:56,304
and I'm able to get away from
him and get back down to earth,
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00:03:56,304 --> 00:03:58,071
well, then he gets
back down to earth--
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00:03:58,071 --> 00:04:00,474
he's not gonna stop
until I'm dead.
91
00:04:00,474 --> 00:04:01,742
You see what I'm saying?
92
00:04:01,742 --> 00:04:04,578
The cycle will never end
until I am dead!
93
00:04:04,578 --> 00:04:05,813
Space is cancelled.
94
00:04:05,813 --> 00:04:08,782
Today's episode,
self-defense.
95
00:04:08,782 --> 00:04:10,484
Gear!
96
00:04:10,484 --> 00:04:13,253
*
97
00:04:21,462 --> 00:04:23,531
Gear!
98
00:04:25,666 --> 00:04:27,335
Just bulging
out of his collar.
99
00:04:27,335 --> 00:04:28,469
It was like just...
(blowing)
100
00:04:28,469 --> 00:04:29,803
crazy muscles.
101
00:04:29,803 --> 00:04:31,305
Did I already talk
about his eyes?
102
00:04:31,305 --> 00:04:35,443
Like, dead eyes, man, this guy
was a complete, complete psycho.
103
00:04:36,777 --> 00:04:38,312
Yes, that's him!
104
00:04:38,312 --> 00:04:40,213
That's the guy!
105
00:04:40,213 --> 00:04:41,615
What kind of spy equipment
do you have
106
00:04:41,615 --> 00:04:45,118
so you can watch this guy?
107
00:04:45,118 --> 00:04:47,955
Seriously?
That's it?
108
00:04:47,955 --> 00:04:50,491
I have something like these
that I use for watching birds.
109
00:04:50,491 --> 00:04:52,460
You're gonna be watching
a lunatic, dude!
110
00:04:52,460 --> 00:04:54,027
We gotta get you
better equipment.
111
00:04:54,027 --> 00:04:55,963
Let's go! Let's go!
112
00:04:55,963 --> 00:04:57,365
(Jon)
As you may recall,
113
00:04:57,365 --> 00:05:00,133
I bought some night vision
goggles in our cycling episode,
114
00:05:00,133 --> 00:05:01,669
so me and the private
investigator
115
00:05:01,669 --> 00:05:05,038
headed back over to my good
friend Bob's spy store for help.
116
00:05:05,038 --> 00:05:07,307
These are highly
encrypted cell phones.
117
00:05:07,307 --> 00:05:09,042
Your wife has one,
you have one.
118
00:05:09,042 --> 00:05:10,077
(sobbing)
Oh, my wife!
119
00:05:10,077 --> 00:05:11,645
This way you can...
120
00:05:11,645 --> 00:05:12,846
I don't want her
to be a widow, man.
121
00:05:12,846 --> 00:05:14,247
Okay...
My kids need a dad!
122
00:05:14,247 --> 00:05:16,149
She's a beautiful girl,
somebody else will come by.
123
00:05:16,149 --> 00:05:17,184
Are you talking about her
meeting another guy?
124
00:05:17,184 --> 00:05:18,652
No, not really.
125
00:05:18,652 --> 00:05:20,187
She'll never find another you,
that's for sure.
126
00:05:20,187 --> 00:05:21,321
Thank you, Bob.
127
00:05:21,321 --> 00:05:23,023
So these are
very good for your...
128
00:05:23,023 --> 00:05:24,892
Listen, Bob, I just want to say
really quick,
129
00:05:24,892 --> 00:05:27,194
if I'm gone,
I want her in good hands.
130
00:05:27,194 --> 00:05:28,529
And so someone like you, I--
131
00:05:28,529 --> 00:05:30,864
I'm just gonna say it
right now, I approve.
132
00:05:30,864 --> 00:05:34,001
If this guy kills me,
I'm going on camera right now,
133
00:05:34,001 --> 00:05:38,038
you have-- Bob, you have my
blessing to marry my wife.
134
00:05:38,038 --> 00:05:42,743
Leslie, I love you and I want
you to be with Bob, okay?
135
00:05:42,743 --> 00:05:44,177
I want you to be with Bob.
136
00:05:44,177 --> 00:05:48,015
And kids, you listen to Bob,
Bob is your dad now.
137
00:05:48,015 --> 00:05:49,517
Okay?
And if Bob says,
138
00:05:49,517 --> 00:05:51,385
"Do your homework,"
you do your homework.
139
00:05:51,385 --> 00:05:52,886
You don't say
any kind of shit like,
140
00:05:52,886 --> 00:05:54,455
"You're not my dad!"
141
00:05:54,455 --> 00:05:55,956
And if you don't want to call
him dad, that's okay,
142
00:05:55,956 --> 00:05:58,025
but you treat him
with respect.
143
00:05:58,025 --> 00:06:00,260
He's your dad now, okay?
144
00:06:00,260 --> 00:06:01,962
I'll tell you
a quick story, kids.
145
00:06:01,962 --> 00:06:04,932
You know grandpa, Ira?
146
00:06:04,932 --> 00:06:08,201
When I was 16, I'm learning how
to drive stick shift, okay,
147
00:06:08,201 --> 00:06:09,937
and mom, grandma, my mom,
148
00:06:09,937 --> 00:06:12,072
tried to teach me how to drive
stick shift and she's like,
149
00:06:12,072 --> 00:06:14,207
"Accelerate! Accelerate!"
and she's driving me...
150
00:06:14,207 --> 00:06:16,444
Grandpa takes me out
in his old Honda Civic wagon--
151
00:06:16,444 --> 00:06:18,245
it's this cool car,
like, copper orange...
152
00:06:18,245 --> 00:06:19,379
"I can't do it!"
153
00:06:19,379 --> 00:06:20,814
I think I even pouted.
154
00:06:20,814 --> 00:06:22,382
"Cut the shit and do it."
155
00:06:22,382 --> 00:06:25,586
That was a bold move
for this guy
156
00:06:25,586 --> 00:06:27,721
who hasn't even
married my mom yet.
157
00:06:27,721 --> 00:06:29,990
He earned my respect
on that day.
158
00:06:29,990 --> 00:06:32,560
And the point of that story
is you listen to Bob.
159
00:06:32,560 --> 00:06:34,895
'Cause Bob's your dad now.
160
00:06:34,895 --> 00:06:38,398
(choking tears)
Okay?
161
00:06:38,398 --> 00:06:40,100
So, guys, we're dealing
with a lunatic.
162
00:06:40,100 --> 00:06:43,070
I think the first line of
defense is a disguise
163
00:06:43,070 --> 00:06:45,739
so I am unrecognizable
to this guy.
164
00:06:45,739 --> 00:06:49,443
Now, I'm thinking of doing
something like "The Klumps"--
165
00:06:49,443 --> 00:06:50,911
classic special effects.
166
00:06:50,911 --> 00:06:52,913
I don't know
how they did the farts.
167
00:06:52,913 --> 00:06:56,584
Was that a rig that they put
inside the suit?
168
00:06:56,584 --> 00:06:58,418
I just feel like that's
the direction I want to go.
169
00:06:58,418 --> 00:07:00,921
I think "The Klumps" will be
a little extensive.
170
00:07:00,921 --> 00:07:02,289
Yeah.
Then how about if I go
171
00:07:02,289 --> 00:07:05,192
on a "Klumps" diet?
172
00:07:05,192 --> 00:07:07,928
Hold on, Gear-i,
pull up "Klump Diet."
173
00:07:07,928 --> 00:07:09,429
I love "The Klumps,"
174
00:07:09,429 --> 00:07:11,799
but there might not be enough
time to pull that off.
175
00:07:11,799 --> 00:07:14,434
You don't want to
underdo the Klumps.
176
00:07:14,434 --> 00:07:17,204
Um, I can pull
some wigs for you
177
00:07:17,204 --> 00:07:19,372
and maybe a few
facial prosthetics.
178
00:07:19,372 --> 00:07:21,809
I think if we also do
a set of teeth for ya,
179
00:07:21,809 --> 00:07:23,310
something that really
changes your mouth
180
00:07:23,310 --> 00:07:25,879
and changes your face and it
won't be recognizable.
181
00:07:25,879 --> 00:07:28,516
Yeah, I think that works.
182
00:07:28,516 --> 00:07:32,452
I also do a very solid
Australian accent.
183
00:07:32,452 --> 00:07:35,222
I've gotten tons
of compliments on it, um...
184
00:07:35,222 --> 00:07:37,190
I've heard nothing
but the contrary.
185
00:07:37,190 --> 00:07:38,992
I've gotten plenty
of positive feedback
186
00:07:38,992 --> 00:07:41,962
on my Aussie accent,
Gear-i, thank you, though.
187
00:07:41,962 --> 00:07:43,697
Not according to
Amy Schumer's Twitter feed.
188
00:07:43,697 --> 00:07:45,499
Shut up, Gear-i!
189
00:07:45,499 --> 00:07:47,067
Um...
190
00:07:47,067 --> 00:07:48,502
All right, well,
I like this direction.
191
00:07:48,502 --> 00:07:51,471
Um... my life is in
your hands, guys.
192
00:07:51,471 --> 00:07:53,306
Let's see what you got.
193
00:07:53,306 --> 00:07:55,809
(Jon)
It was time
to build my disguise.
194
00:07:55,809 --> 00:07:57,678
(with accent)
Pretty good accent.
195
00:07:57,678 --> 00:08:00,313
Like if you didn't know me,
you'd believe it, right?
196
00:08:00,313 --> 00:08:01,549
Step off the...
197
00:08:01,549 --> 00:08:04,652
Step off an airplane,
right on to the tarmac.
198
00:08:04,652 --> 00:08:06,920
(Blair)
That's a, uh... a wound.
199
00:08:06,920 --> 00:08:09,222
That's a wound?
You wanted a wound.
200
00:08:09,222 --> 00:08:12,092
Mm-hmm,
sure it is, Blair.
201
00:08:12,092 --> 00:08:14,695
I mean, I want this thing
to look super real.
202
00:08:14,695 --> 00:08:16,029
That's perfect.
Yeah.
203
00:08:16,029 --> 00:08:17,731
That's perfect.
204
00:08:17,731 --> 00:08:20,534
(Jon)
Putting the disguise together
was uncomfortable at times,
205
00:08:20,534 --> 00:08:22,335
but you know what else is
uncomfortable?
206
00:08:22,335 --> 00:08:25,038
Being murdered
by an unhinged lunatic.
207
00:08:25,038 --> 00:08:27,007
So I focused on
the task at hand--
208
00:08:27,007 --> 00:08:30,210
maintaining a mindset of
confidence and strength.
209
00:08:30,210 --> 00:08:32,746
(sobbing)
210
00:08:34,247 --> 00:08:37,084
My new disguise
was finally ready.
211
00:08:37,084 --> 00:08:38,451
Not too bad...
212
00:08:38,451 --> 00:08:39,720
(with accent)
Ay, mate?
213
00:08:39,720 --> 00:08:42,455
Aussie Aussie Aussie
gear gear gear.
214
00:08:42,455 --> 00:08:45,392
I headed over to Renzo Gracie's
Fight Academy in Brooklyn
215
00:08:45,392 --> 00:08:48,596
to learn the art
of hand-to-hand combat.
216
00:08:48,596 --> 00:08:49,630
Good to meet you, champ.
217
00:08:49,630 --> 00:08:51,131
(with accent)
Nice to meet you.
218
00:08:51,131 --> 00:08:53,533
Jon Glaser, although you don't
have to call me that right now
219
00:08:53,533 --> 00:08:55,102
'cause I'm in disguise.
220
00:08:55,102 --> 00:08:56,469
Now, would you say
you feel confident
221
00:08:56,469 --> 00:08:59,372
that jujitsu will prepare me
to defend myself
222
00:08:59,372 --> 00:09:00,708
against this lunatic?
223
00:09:00,708 --> 00:09:02,475
Definitely, jujitsu is the best
hand-to-hand combat
224
00:09:02,475 --> 00:09:03,543
that you can learn.
225
00:09:03,543 --> 00:09:06,046
Great.
Show me the gear.
226
00:09:06,046 --> 00:09:08,148
We actually have no gear,
this is it--
227
00:09:08,148 --> 00:09:10,584
a t-shirt and pair
of shorts, that's it.
228
00:09:10,584 --> 00:09:12,152
You don't wear--
you don't wear gear.
229
00:09:12,152 --> 00:09:13,453
Nothing at all.
230
00:09:13,453 --> 00:09:15,756
All right, well, pleasure
to meet you, appreciate it.
231
00:09:15,756 --> 00:09:19,459
Don't think you can help me.
232
00:09:19,459 --> 00:09:20,560
(Jon with accent)
What a complete and total
233
00:09:20,560 --> 00:09:21,929
waste of my time.
234
00:09:21,929 --> 00:09:24,765
I can't trust gearless tactics
to keep me alive,
235
00:09:24,765 --> 00:09:27,635
so I headed over to the
legendary Gleason's Boxing Gym
236
00:09:27,635 --> 00:09:31,304
in Brooklyn to check out
a more gear-based sport.
237
00:09:31,304 --> 00:09:33,573
I needed to learn how to punch
to defend myself
238
00:09:33,573 --> 00:09:36,476
from this animal who had
no regard for human life,
239
00:09:36,476 --> 00:09:38,679
let alone proper food
delivery temperature.
240
00:09:39,747 --> 00:09:41,081
(with accent)
Gear.
241
00:09:43,416 --> 00:09:44,818
Hey! How you doin'?
242
00:09:44,818 --> 00:09:45,819
(with accent)
Country, how's it going?
243
00:09:45,819 --> 00:09:46,920
Hey, Jon.
Good.
244
00:09:46,920 --> 00:09:48,421
Ready to go, man.
245
00:09:48,421 --> 00:09:49,356
(laughing)
All right!
246
00:09:49,356 --> 00:09:50,791
The thunder
from down under.
247
00:09:50,791 --> 00:09:52,259
(laughing)
Yeah.
248
00:09:52,259 --> 00:09:53,326
What's up first?
249
00:09:53,326 --> 00:09:54,594
This is to wrap
your hands in.
250
00:09:54,594 --> 00:09:55,796
These are called
hand wraps.
251
00:09:55,796 --> 00:09:57,865
Hand wrap.
Yeah, hand wraps.
252
00:09:57,865 --> 00:09:59,833
Sorry, I got a thick
accent so...
253
00:09:59,833 --> 00:10:00,834
it might sound a little weird.
It's okay.
254
00:10:00,834 --> 00:10:02,535
I understand you.
255
00:10:02,535 --> 00:10:04,004
All right.
We're speaking each other's
language here.
256
00:10:04,004 --> 00:10:05,105
Yeah, okay.
257
00:10:05,105 --> 00:10:06,874
Boxing--
the universal language.
258
00:10:06,874 --> 00:10:08,541
Exactly.
259
00:10:08,541 --> 00:10:09,843
(Jon with accent)
First up for training,
260
00:10:09,843 --> 00:10:11,011
jump rope!
261
00:10:11,011 --> 00:10:12,813
Next, shadowbox.
262
00:10:12,813 --> 00:10:15,115
Then a little speedbag.
263
00:10:15,115 --> 00:10:17,484
Can't remember
what this thing is...
264
00:10:17,484 --> 00:10:20,187
or why I had to do this.
265
00:10:20,187 --> 00:10:21,554
This rope thing was fun.
266
00:10:21,554 --> 00:10:23,023
Good.
267
00:10:23,023 --> 00:10:25,192
Heavy bag... Gear!
268
00:10:25,192 --> 00:10:26,694
Gear, gear!
269
00:10:26,694 --> 00:10:29,797
And then it was time to get
in the ring to spar.
270
00:10:29,797 --> 00:10:31,832
It was finally time
to strap on the gloves
271
00:10:31,832 --> 00:10:36,236
and turn myself into a lean,
mean boxing machine.
272
00:10:36,236 --> 00:10:38,806
With every punch I thought
about coming face to face
273
00:10:38,806 --> 00:10:40,640
with this beast,
and what life would be like
274
00:10:40,640 --> 00:10:43,711
for my wife and kids without
their hubby and father.
275
00:10:43,711 --> 00:10:48,348
(sobbing, with accent)
I'm so scared!
276
00:10:48,348 --> 00:10:50,150
I'm gettin' real scared.
277
00:10:50,150 --> 00:10:51,919
What if...
278
00:10:51,919 --> 00:10:53,420
(Jon with accent)
I was more frightened
279
00:10:53,420 --> 00:10:57,157
than a wallaby trapped on a croc
beach without his boomerang.
280
00:11:01,328 --> 00:11:02,495
Country,
I really appreciate
281
00:11:02,495 --> 00:11:04,097
all the hard work
you did with me
282
00:11:04,097 --> 00:11:08,836
and all the training and
showing me all this cool gear.
283
00:11:08,836 --> 00:11:12,439
Do you think that I'm now
adequately prepared...
284
00:11:12,439 --> 00:11:15,675
to go take on this lunatic
and defend myself?
285
00:11:15,675 --> 00:11:20,547
Boxing is a sport that you need
a lot of time to learn.
286
00:11:20,547 --> 00:11:22,049
A week?
287
00:11:22,049 --> 00:11:23,884
Years.
Oh.
288
00:11:23,884 --> 00:11:25,685
Listen, one year.
289
00:11:25,685 --> 00:11:27,020
Country,
I don't have a year.
290
00:11:27,020 --> 00:11:28,889
This guy wants me dead.
291
00:11:28,889 --> 00:11:32,525
Then you should try
MMA or...
292
00:11:32,525 --> 00:11:35,228
karate or judo or something,
you should try that.
293
00:11:35,228 --> 00:11:37,397
No, that's no good, see,
I already tried that
294
00:11:37,397 --> 00:11:38,966
before I came to see you,
295
00:11:38,966 --> 00:11:40,968
and they didn't have a lot of
cool gear, so I came here.
296
00:11:40,968 --> 00:11:42,135
Yeah.
297
00:11:42,135 --> 00:11:43,804
(Jon with accent)
Jujitsu had no gear
298
00:11:43,804 --> 00:11:45,538
and boxing takes too long.
299
00:11:45,538 --> 00:11:47,040
With these crushing
realizations,
300
00:11:47,040 --> 00:11:49,476
there was only
one option left for me.
301
00:11:49,476 --> 00:11:54,214
Well, if that's the case,
where's the nearest gun shop?
302
00:11:54,214 --> 00:11:55,715
Lock and load!
303
00:11:55,715 --> 00:11:56,784
Gear!
304
00:11:58,718 --> 00:12:01,421
(Jon with accent)
After striking out
with boxing and jujitsu,
305
00:12:01,421 --> 00:12:04,124
I thought third time's
the charm with guns.
306
00:12:04,124 --> 00:12:05,625
Lots of cool gear,
307
00:12:05,625 --> 00:12:09,462
and a surefire way to protect
myself from the cold fry killer.
308
00:12:09,462 --> 00:12:10,730
Howdy.
How you doin'?
309
00:12:10,730 --> 00:12:12,800
I'm Jon.
Rob.
310
00:12:12,800 --> 00:12:13,834
I called you earlier.
311
00:12:13,834 --> 00:12:15,836
I want to learn
how to shoot a gun.
312
00:12:15,836 --> 00:12:17,137
Well, we can set you up.
313
00:12:17,137 --> 00:12:18,906
Great.
314
00:12:23,811 --> 00:12:25,312
All right, I'm here
at the gun range
315
00:12:25,312 --> 00:12:27,781
where I'm very excited
to learn to defend myself
316
00:12:27,781 --> 00:12:30,083
against this
cold-blooded killer.
317
00:12:30,083 --> 00:12:33,653
But more importantly, I'm more
excited about this cool gear.
318
00:12:33,653 --> 00:12:35,088
I got these great
shooting goggles
319
00:12:35,088 --> 00:12:36,990
that got a super cool
yellow lens,
320
00:12:36,990 --> 00:12:39,592
just like John Goodman wore
in "The Big Lebowski,"
321
00:12:39,592 --> 00:12:42,329
only I got a much cooler
style frame than he did.
322
00:12:42,329 --> 00:12:44,764
(phone ringing)
Also...
323
00:12:44,764 --> 00:12:46,299
Excuse me.
324
00:12:46,299 --> 00:12:47,868
Hello.
325
00:12:47,868 --> 00:12:49,636
Hey, Jon.
Ay, mate.
326
00:12:49,636 --> 00:12:54,174
Yeah. It doesn't look
like he was fired.
327
00:12:54,174 --> 00:12:57,344
He's made several
deliveries in the last hour.
328
00:12:57,344 --> 00:12:58,511
Right, no,
you stay on him.
329
00:12:58,511 --> 00:13:00,113
You stay on him, mate,
330
00:13:00,113 --> 00:13:01,681
'cause they're just probably
letting him finish up his shift
331
00:13:01,681 --> 00:13:03,183
because they feel
bad for him.
332
00:13:03,183 --> 00:13:04,351
Let him finish out
the day,
333
00:13:04,351 --> 00:13:06,854
then he's gonna
come after me.
334
00:13:06,854 --> 00:13:08,989
Why are you talking
like that?
335
00:13:10,858 --> 00:13:12,025
Jon?
336
00:13:12,025 --> 00:13:13,526
Next cool piece of gear,
337
00:13:13,526 --> 00:13:16,696
got these super awesome
cool looking ear protectors.
338
00:13:16,696 --> 00:13:18,999
These are gonna shield
my ears from the blast.
339
00:13:18,999 --> 00:13:21,234
Lots of cool guys have worn
these in movies--
340
00:13:21,234 --> 00:13:23,203
Clint Eastwood in some of
his police movies,
341
00:13:23,203 --> 00:13:25,305
and other cool guys too.
342
00:13:25,305 --> 00:13:29,409
Next up, the cherry on the cool
sundae, the gun.
343
00:13:29,409 --> 00:13:31,378
All right, Jon, this is
a nine-millimeter,
344
00:13:31,378 --> 00:13:32,880
it is loaded.
345
00:13:32,880 --> 00:13:34,547
You're gonna want to keep
your finger off the trigger
346
00:13:34,547 --> 00:13:36,649
until it's pointed
at the target downrange.
347
00:13:36,649 --> 00:13:39,252
When you're ready to shoot,
you press this silver button
348
00:13:39,252 --> 00:13:40,753
and you're good to go.
349
00:13:40,753 --> 00:13:43,156
All right,
let's do this!
350
00:13:43,156 --> 00:13:45,926
Gear.
351
00:13:45,926 --> 00:13:47,394
(grunting)
352
00:13:47,394 --> 00:13:48,728
Put a little muscle in it.
353
00:13:48,728 --> 00:13:51,831
Trying-- push.
354
00:13:51,831 --> 00:13:54,067
Right here.
(gun clicks)
355
00:13:54,067 --> 00:13:56,236
Yeah, there we go.
356
00:13:56,236 --> 00:13:57,737
I've never shot a gun
or even held one,
357
00:13:57,737 --> 00:14:00,908
this is my first time
doing either and, uh...
358
00:14:00,908 --> 00:14:04,744
now that it's in my hands,
it's kind of weird.
359
00:14:04,744 --> 00:14:09,049
A little scary,
actually, um...
360
00:14:09,049 --> 00:14:11,418
I'm kind of nervous.
361
00:14:11,418 --> 00:14:14,587
(clearing throat)
362
00:14:14,587 --> 00:14:15,956
Um...
363
00:14:15,956 --> 00:14:18,691
Maybe we shouldn't have put
his picture on the...
364
00:14:18,691 --> 00:14:21,628
on the target.
365
00:14:21,628 --> 00:14:22,930
Little strange where I'm
actually feeling
366
00:14:22,930 --> 00:14:25,032
like I'm looking at him.
367
00:14:25,032 --> 00:14:27,434
Well, I gotta put myself
in the scenario, right?
368
00:14:27,434 --> 00:14:31,538
I gotta pretend this is
actually happening.
369
00:14:31,538 --> 00:14:35,242
Right?
It's me or him, right?
370
00:14:35,242 --> 00:14:36,543
It's me or him!
371
00:14:36,543 --> 00:14:39,112
Are we gonna do this?
This really gonna happen?
372
00:14:39,112 --> 00:14:40,813
I don't think so,
asshole!
373
00:14:40,813 --> 00:14:42,315
(loud gunshot)
374
00:14:42,315 --> 00:14:43,716
(normal voice)
Yeah, I don't want to do this.
375
00:14:43,716 --> 00:14:45,618
I don't like this--
not for me.
376
00:14:45,618 --> 00:14:48,455
Um, uh... let's use some
pepper spray or something.
377
00:14:48,455 --> 00:14:49,990
I think pepper spray will...
378
00:14:49,990 --> 00:14:51,758
get that guy
with pepper spray.
379
00:14:54,327 --> 00:14:55,628
(with accent)
I'm very curious to see
380
00:14:55,628 --> 00:14:57,397
how effective this
pepper spray is that I got.
381
00:14:57,397 --> 00:14:59,466
Gary, one of our interns,
382
00:14:59,466 --> 00:15:01,501
has volunteered
to help me demonstrate.
383
00:15:01,501 --> 00:15:03,303
Gary, you ready?
Oh, yeah, I can't wait.
384
00:15:03,303 --> 00:15:04,471
(phone ringing)
Oh, crickey.
385
00:15:06,673 --> 00:15:08,308
Hello.
386
00:15:08,308 --> 00:15:11,578
I'm watching him making
a delivery to a man
387
00:15:11,578 --> 00:15:13,780
sitting on a park bench.
388
00:15:13,780 --> 00:15:15,615
And the guy looks
very much like you.
389
00:15:19,752 --> 00:15:21,854
They're talking.
390
00:15:21,854 --> 00:15:24,357
It looks like he figured out
it was a body double.
391
00:15:24,357 --> 00:15:25,625
(Bleep), he's onto me!
392
00:15:25,625 --> 00:15:27,594
(spraying, Gary screaming)
393
00:15:27,594 --> 00:15:29,796
Gotta go!
(screaming over phone)
394
00:15:31,798 --> 00:15:32,865
(Jon with accent)
I didn't feel safe
395
00:15:32,865 --> 00:15:33,866
on the streets anymore.
396
00:15:33,866 --> 00:15:35,268
So to protect myself,
397
00:15:35,268 --> 00:15:36,936
I've taken a section
of the production office
398
00:15:36,936 --> 00:15:39,706
and turned it into my own
private panic room.
399
00:15:39,706 --> 00:15:41,774
I also hired a consultant
to look over what I've done
400
00:15:41,774 --> 00:15:43,376
and make sure
I'm completely safe
401
00:15:43,376 --> 00:15:46,013
from this bloodthirsty
cold fry killer.
402
00:15:48,681 --> 00:15:52,619
Well, right here, first line
of defense, the door.
403
00:15:52,619 --> 00:15:54,021
Uh, we put a steel,
I think,
404
00:15:54,021 --> 00:15:56,223
or some kind of metal
coating over the door
405
00:15:56,223 --> 00:15:58,058
and put one, two,
three deadbolts.
406
00:16:00,293 --> 00:16:01,861
Sure seems like it, huh?
407
00:16:06,066 --> 00:16:08,301
(siren blaring)
408
00:16:08,301 --> 00:16:10,370
Stocked up on seltzer
and ginger ale.
409
00:16:10,370 --> 00:16:11,538
I got water.
410
00:16:11,538 --> 00:16:13,206
This is my
favorite pretzel.
411
00:16:13,206 --> 00:16:17,210
As you can see here, "Snack
Producer of the Year 2016."
412
00:16:19,546 --> 00:16:21,548
Well, this, to me, keeps me
feeling safe and secure.
413
00:16:21,548 --> 00:16:23,850
Ah, okay, good.
I've got a surveillance system
414
00:16:23,850 --> 00:16:26,086
so when I'm locked up in here,
I'll see 'em comin'.
415
00:16:32,492 --> 00:16:33,593
So this is no good.
No.
416
00:16:36,063 --> 00:16:37,930
(siren blaring)
417
00:16:37,930 --> 00:16:40,367
Let's say if I gotta stay
in here for an extended time,
418
00:16:40,367 --> 00:16:41,868
I've also got
this little toilet.
419
00:16:41,868 --> 00:16:44,003
Aussie Aussie Aussie
gear gear gear!
420
00:16:45,405 --> 00:16:46,406
Yeah.
421
00:16:48,441 --> 00:16:49,609
Uh...
422
00:16:51,078 --> 00:16:52,945
(siren blaring)
423
00:16:52,945 --> 00:16:54,281
Thank you, Dan.
You're welcome.
424
00:16:54,281 --> 00:16:56,549
Lookin' forward to being
more secure.
425
00:16:56,549 --> 00:16:58,851
Well, clearly we got
a lot of work to do.
426
00:16:58,851 --> 00:17:00,620
But once we get
this place more secure,
427
00:17:00,620 --> 00:17:04,624
all that'll be left is to lock
the door and hunker down.
428
00:17:04,624 --> 00:17:06,025
Let's get to work.
429
00:17:06,025 --> 00:17:09,862
(Bleep, bleep)!
430
00:17:09,862 --> 00:17:11,798
(normal voice)
Shit.
431
00:17:11,798 --> 00:17:14,367
Oh, God damn it!
432
00:17:14,367 --> 00:17:16,569
Stupid idea!
Damn it!
433
00:17:24,977 --> 00:17:26,045
Just kill me quick.
434
00:17:26,045 --> 00:17:27,380
Please,
just kill me quick.
435
00:17:27,380 --> 00:17:30,117
What?
You're gonna execute me, right?
436
00:17:30,117 --> 00:17:31,418
You're gonna sit me
on the toilet,
437
00:17:31,418 --> 00:17:33,486
two in the dick,
one in the brain,
438
00:17:33,486 --> 00:17:36,156
so that's the last image
my kids see on the news, right?
439
00:17:36,156 --> 00:17:38,391
No, look, okay, I don't know
what's going on here,
440
00:17:38,391 --> 00:17:40,827
but, like, my boss told me
that your fries were cold.
441
00:17:40,827 --> 00:17:43,463
Yeah, and he fired you and you
came here to kill me, right?
442
00:17:43,463 --> 00:17:45,632
Just do the brain before
the dick, though, please,
443
00:17:45,632 --> 00:17:47,800
just so I'm dead and I don't
gotta feel the dick shots.
444
00:17:47,800 --> 00:17:50,437
No, no,
he didn't fire me.
445
00:17:50,437 --> 00:17:51,671
He didn't fire me.
446
00:17:51,671 --> 00:17:54,341
I came here
to apologize, man.
447
00:17:54,341 --> 00:17:57,244
I feel terrible.
448
00:17:57,244 --> 00:18:00,680
I mean, you gave me
that huge tip.
449
00:18:00,680 --> 00:18:03,150
And you know, I do have
a warming bag, but...
450
00:18:03,150 --> 00:18:04,284
your order was so late
451
00:18:04,284 --> 00:18:05,685
that I just flew
out the door with it
452
00:18:05,685 --> 00:18:07,254
because I wanted to get
to you on time,
453
00:18:07,254 --> 00:18:10,290
and your office
was so close.
454
00:18:10,290 --> 00:18:13,360
But I should've
known better.
455
00:18:13,360 --> 00:18:15,862
Fries don't travel
too well.
456
00:18:18,965 --> 00:18:21,268
That's how I feel.
457
00:18:21,268 --> 00:18:24,204
It's like, every time
I get fries delivered,
458
00:18:24,204 --> 00:18:28,275
they're the most consistently
inconsistent food temperature.
459
00:18:28,275 --> 00:18:29,776
Sometimes they're too hot.
460
00:18:29,776 --> 00:18:32,212
Really, they can't be too hot--
if they're hot, great.
461
00:18:32,212 --> 00:18:34,514
But sometimes they're perfect,
they nailed it, they're hot.
462
00:18:34,514 --> 00:18:36,449
Sometimes it's like,
eh, a little lukewarm
463
00:18:36,449 --> 00:18:38,218
but I can do this,
I can eat these.
464
00:18:38,218 --> 00:18:40,853
Sometimes they're ice-cold,
and that drives me crazy,
465
00:18:40,853 --> 00:18:42,722
get it right,
what's so hard about it?
466
00:18:42,722 --> 00:18:44,557
I know, I mean, like,
there should just be
467
00:18:44,557 --> 00:18:46,859
a separate warming bag
just for the fries.
468
00:18:46,859 --> 00:18:48,895
Yes!
That's exactly how I feel.
469
00:18:48,895 --> 00:18:51,898
Have a separate warming bag
for the fries to keep them warm,
470
00:18:51,898 --> 00:18:54,967
like what's so--
(phone beeping)
471
00:18:54,967 --> 00:18:56,002
Hello.
472
00:18:56,002 --> 00:18:58,638
Jon, he's in
the building!
473
00:18:58,638 --> 00:19:01,241
Too late, idiot,
you're fired.
474
00:19:01,241 --> 00:19:04,844
But yeah, like,
get it right.
475
00:19:04,844 --> 00:19:06,413
Look, I'm sorry
about the fries, man.
476
00:19:17,890 --> 00:19:22,262
(with accent)
Let's turn this cold fry frown
upside down.
477
00:19:22,262 --> 00:19:23,430
(Jon)
Right then I realized
478
00:19:23,430 --> 00:19:25,598
that the enemy of my enemy
is my friend,
479
00:19:25,598 --> 00:19:27,567
and the enemy
is cold fries.
480
00:19:27,567 --> 00:19:30,770
Obviously, you know, the focus,
we want these fries to be warm.
481
00:19:30,770 --> 00:19:33,606
(Jon)
So that crazy lunatic killer
and I put our minds together
482
00:19:33,606 --> 00:19:35,275
to design a product
that would ensure
483
00:19:35,275 --> 00:19:38,044
that every fry in America
would be a hot one.
484
00:19:38,044 --> 00:19:40,280
And now it was time
to test our invention.
485
00:19:42,615 --> 00:19:44,884
Here it is,
the final product--
486
00:19:44,884 --> 00:19:47,854
our Fry Caramba
French Fry Warming Bag.
487
00:19:47,854 --> 00:19:49,121
We're here in this field,
488
00:19:49,121 --> 00:19:50,189
attempting to
prove that this is
489
00:19:50,189 --> 00:19:51,358
the best
French fry
490
00:19:51,358 --> 00:19:53,460
warming bag
on the market.
491
00:19:53,460 --> 00:19:54,961
We are cooking fries
right here
492
00:19:54,961 --> 00:19:56,696
in this portable
French fry maker
493
00:19:56,696 --> 00:19:59,131
which is attached to this
really cool generator.
494
00:19:59,131 --> 00:20:00,900
We're gonna take those
piping-hot fries,
495
00:20:00,900 --> 00:20:02,802
put 'em right into
the Fry Caramba,
496
00:20:02,802 --> 00:20:05,305
attach the Fry Caramba
to that pole,
497
00:20:05,305 --> 00:20:09,041
launch the Fry Caramba into
space where it's freezing cold.
498
00:20:09,041 --> 00:20:12,379
In theory, these fries should
return to earth freezing cold,
499
00:20:12,379 --> 00:20:16,383
but we believe the Fry Caramba
will return them piping hot.
500
00:20:16,383 --> 00:20:18,618
And if they're not, then it's
back to the drawing board
501
00:20:18,618 --> 00:20:20,086
until we get it right.
502
00:20:20,086 --> 00:20:23,390
With the Fry Caramba we're gonna
put these fresh, hot fries
503
00:20:23,390 --> 00:20:25,425
right into the Fry Caramba.
504
00:20:25,425 --> 00:20:27,427
Ow, Fry Caramba!
505
00:20:27,427 --> 00:20:29,396
Super hot, these are
super hot fries.
506
00:20:29,396 --> 00:20:30,730
We're putting them into
507
00:20:30,730 --> 00:20:34,267
the individual warming sleeves
of the Fry Caramba.
508
00:20:34,267 --> 00:20:36,336
Each French fry gets
its own little sleeping bag
509
00:20:36,336 --> 00:20:38,170
to keep it nice and warm.
510
00:20:38,170 --> 00:20:40,840
The warming sleeves
keep each fry warm,
511
00:20:40,840 --> 00:20:43,510
and then those sleeves are then
loaded into the Fry Caramba
512
00:20:43,510 --> 00:20:46,012
for maximum warmth
and protection.
513
00:20:46,012 --> 00:20:49,181
I am now sealing
the Fry Caramba,
514
00:20:49,181 --> 00:20:51,818
which is full of piping-hot,
warm French fries.
515
00:20:51,818 --> 00:20:53,320
Let's send these fries
into space!
516
00:20:55,688 --> 00:20:57,424
This is John Arnos from our
props department.
517
00:20:57,424 --> 00:21:01,160
He's assisting us to attach
the Fry Caramba to the balloon
518
00:21:01,160 --> 00:21:03,763
before it goes into space.
519
00:21:03,763 --> 00:21:05,698
And of course we've got
a GoPro on one end of this pole
520
00:21:05,698 --> 00:21:07,367
to get some cool shots!
521
00:21:07,367 --> 00:21:10,637
(loud rock music)
522
00:21:10,637 --> 00:21:11,671
I think it's good to go.
523
00:21:11,671 --> 00:21:13,606
Then let's (bleep) do this.
You ready?
524
00:21:13,606 --> 00:21:15,375
(Jon)
Will our launch be successful?
525
00:21:15,375 --> 00:21:18,177
Is the Fry Caramba
really going into space?
526
00:21:18,177 --> 00:21:19,479
Don't touch that dial,
527
00:21:19,479 --> 00:21:21,514
because you'll never believe
what happens next
528
00:21:21,514 --> 00:21:23,215
with the Fry Caramba.
529
00:21:24,684 --> 00:21:27,387
(Jon)
Here it is, the moment
you've been waiting for,
530
00:21:27,387 --> 00:21:30,823
the launch into space
of the Fry Caramba.
531
00:21:30,823 --> 00:21:34,727
On three-- three, two...
Oh, two-- we're going down?
532
00:21:34,727 --> 00:21:35,962
Yeah.
Okay.
533
00:21:35,962 --> 00:21:38,230
(both)
Three, two, one...
534
00:21:38,230 --> 00:21:41,668
Blastoff!
...into space!
535
00:21:41,668 --> 00:21:43,536
Whoo-hoo-hoo!
536
00:21:43,536 --> 00:21:45,405
Yeah, there goes
the Fry Caramba!
537
00:21:48,641 --> 00:21:50,477
Whoo!
538
00:21:50,477 --> 00:21:51,678
All right!
539
00:21:51,678 --> 00:21:55,014
Up in space... yeah!
540
00:21:55,014 --> 00:21:57,049
Look how high
that thing's going!
541
00:21:57,049 --> 00:22:00,152
Yeah, go Fry Caramba!
542
00:22:00,152 --> 00:22:01,688
Yeah!
543
00:22:01,688 --> 00:22:04,757
Yeah! Yeah!
544
00:22:04,757 --> 00:22:06,693
(cheering and whooping)
545
00:22:17,003 --> 00:22:19,439
It's in space, yeah!
546
00:22:19,439 --> 00:22:21,941
Yeah!
Whoo-hoo-hoo!
547
00:22:21,941 --> 00:22:23,242
Yeah!
548
00:22:23,242 --> 00:22:26,413
(Bleep) yeah, man!
549
00:22:26,413 --> 00:22:27,614
(Bleep) yeah!
550
00:22:27,614 --> 00:22:29,682
Those (bleep) fries
are in space!
551
00:22:34,387 --> 00:22:37,189
(balloon pops, whooshing)
552
00:22:45,765 --> 00:22:46,866
(thud)
553
00:22:55,908 --> 00:22:57,910
Holy (bleep).
554
00:22:59,712 --> 00:23:00,747
(whispering)
All right, this is the test.
555
00:23:00,747 --> 00:23:03,750
(exhaling deeply)
556
00:23:03,750 --> 00:23:05,084
Ready?
557
00:23:05,084 --> 00:23:07,153
I'm ready.
558
00:23:07,153 --> 00:23:08,921
Oh, God.
559
00:23:08,921 --> 00:23:11,290
It feels kind of cold,
like it was in space.
560
00:23:14,594 --> 00:23:16,663
(chuckling)
561
00:23:16,663 --> 00:23:19,566
It feels warm, man.
562
00:23:19,566 --> 00:23:21,133
It's pretty warm.
563
00:23:21,133 --> 00:23:22,902
You ready?
564
00:23:22,902 --> 00:23:25,137
Feeling warm.
565
00:23:25,137 --> 00:23:27,774
Yeah!
Yes, yes!
566
00:23:27,774 --> 00:23:29,442
That's warm!
567
00:23:29,442 --> 00:23:30,643
That's some high fry, man!
568
00:23:30,643 --> 00:23:32,278
Whoo!
569
00:23:32,278 --> 00:23:33,345
Hold up a second, man,
hold up a second.
570
00:23:33,345 --> 00:23:35,848
Hold up a second,
hold up a second.
571
00:23:35,848 --> 00:23:37,950
Man has been to the moon,
572
00:23:37,950 --> 00:23:40,019
and now fries
have been to space.
573
00:23:40,019 --> 00:23:42,655
Never will you have to
worry about or accept
574
00:23:42,655 --> 00:23:45,858
cold fries ever again!
575
00:23:45,858 --> 00:23:47,293
Whoo!
Whoo!
576
00:23:47,293 --> 00:23:49,095
Yes!
577
00:23:49,095 --> 00:23:50,530
Yes!
578
00:23:50,530 --> 00:23:51,998
(Jon)
I think the takeaway
from today's episode
579
00:23:51,998 --> 00:23:53,700
is that there's nothing
we can't achieve
580
00:23:53,700 --> 00:23:57,203
when mankind and gear-kind
work together.
581
00:23:57,203 --> 00:23:59,606
You need look no further
than two former enemies
582
00:23:59,606 --> 00:24:02,675
whose newfound friendship led to
the invention of something
583
00:24:02,675 --> 00:24:05,444
as profound
as the Fry Caramba.
584
00:24:05,444 --> 00:24:06,813
Yeah!
585
00:24:06,813 --> 00:24:09,482
Fry Caramba! Whoo!
586
00:24:09,482 --> 00:24:11,551
(Muzak playing on loop)
42889
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