Original subtitles

Today on "Jon Glaser Loves Gear"...

Space!

Gear!

*

Gear!

Welcome to the "Jon Glaser Loves Gear" production office

where I am very excited to finally be able to announce

that "Jon Glaser Loves Gear" is going into outer space.

We have partnered with Elon Musk's company, SpaceX,

where I will be joining a manned mission to the ISS,

or as you earthies call it,

the International Space Station.

Now, this has been a top secret project

that truTV and I have been working on

for over the last year, and honestly,

I cannot believe the day is finally here

and tomorrow I will be in outer space.

It's crazy to even think about it.

No, it's okay, you can let him through, yeah.

Uh, this is my last land meal for the next two weeks.

Got one of my favorite fried chicken sandwiches

in all of New York City,

and this is for you, a big $20 tip.

Wow, I really appreciate it, man.

No problem, man, I mean, I'm going into space, so, uh,

might not come back.

Might as well go forward on the tip.

All right, have a good one. You too, take care.

All right!

Psyched to dig into this.

Very excited, I got my favorite fried chicken sandwich...

and some of the best fries in New York City.

Mmm!

Oh, yeah!

I hope the food's as good in space.

(chuckling)

Let's wash that bite down with some fries.

What the (bleep)?

Oh, my God, seriously?

(spits)

Can we cut for a second?

I got cold fries, I gotta call the restaurant.

And look, let me just, let me just say right off the bat

that I understand fries don't travel well, okay,

I know it's a tough food to deliver,

but you gotta have something in place to have your--

to make your fries warm.

You can't serve ice-cold fries to a customer.

As a business owner I'm sure you'd agree.

As a restaurant-- as a food person,

you don't want a shitty product going out there.

Then simply tell this guy,

"Do not leave the restaurant without a warming bag.

"Even if you're going right around the corner,

it doesn't matter."

These were ice-cold and uneatable

and it just wasn't good, okay?

That's my point, so...

Yeah, thank you very much. Give me a credit,

I'll call you back in a couple of weeks

when I'm back from space.

(blowing lips)

Yeah.

(sighing)

(sighing)

(Bleep)!

They are gonna fire this guy as soon as he gets back

to the restaurant and he is gonna know

it's because I called to complain.

Clearly I was his last delivery... right?

And he knows where I work.

He's gonna come back here and murder me.

But Jon, you're not in danger,

you're going into space.

Yeah, tomorrow!

What's gonna stop him from coming here

and slitting my throat?

I mean, even if the guy comes back and we have a fight

and I'm able to get away, he knows where I'm going--

I told him I'm going to space,

it's clearly written on the production calendar.

We got this astronaut costume here.

And if I can get to space,

then what's to stop him from getting to space?

He'll find a way!

And let's say he comes to space

and we get in some kind of space fight

and I'm able to get away from him and get back down to earth,

well, then he gets back down to earth--

he's not gonna stop until I'm dead.

You see what I'm saying?

The cycle will never end until I am dead!

Space is cancelled.

Today's episode, self-defense.

Gear!

*

Gear!

Just bulging out of his collar.

It was like just... (blowing)

crazy muscles.

Did I already talk about his eyes?

Like, dead eyes, man, this guy was a complete, complete psycho.

Yes, that's him!

That's the guy!

What kind of spy equipment do you have

so you can watch this guy?

Seriously? That's it?

I have something like these that I use for watching birds.

You're gonna be watching a lunatic, dude!

We gotta get you better equipment.

Let's go! Let's go!

(Jon) As you may recall,

I bought some night vision goggles in our cycling episode,

so me and the private investigator

headed back over to my good friend Bob's spy store for help.

These are highly encrypted cell phones.

Your wife has one, you have one.

(sobbing) Oh, my wife!

This way you can...

I don't want her to be a widow, man.

Okay... My kids need a dad!

She's a beautiful girl, somebody else will come by.

Are you talking about her meeting another guy?

No, not really.

She'll never find another you, that's for sure.

Thank you, Bob.

So these are very good for your...

Listen, Bob, I just want to say really quick,

if I'm gone, I want her in good hands.

And so someone like you, I--

I'm just gonna say it right now, I approve.

If this guy kills me, I'm going on camera right now,

you have-- Bob, you have my blessing to marry my wife.

Leslie, I love you and I want you to be with Bob, okay?

I want you to be with Bob.

And kids, you listen to Bob, Bob is your dad now.

Okay? And if Bob says,

"Do your homework," you do your homework.

You don't say any kind of shit like,

"You're not my dad!"

And if you don't want to call him dad, that's okay,

but you treat him with respect.

He's your dad now, okay?

I'll tell you a quick story, kids.

You know grandpa, Ira?

When I was 16, I'm learning how to drive stick shift, okay,

and mom, grandma, my mom,

tried to teach me how to drive stick shift and she's like,

"Accelerate! Accelerate!" and she's driving me...

Grandpa takes me out in his old Honda Civic wagon--

it's this cool car, like, copper orange...

"I can't do it!"

I think I even pouted.

"Cut the shit and do it."

That was a bold move for this guy

who hasn't even married my mom yet.

He earned my respect on that day.

And the point of that story is you listen to Bob.

'Cause Bob's your dad now.

(choking tears) Okay?

So, guys, we're dealing with a lunatic.

I think the first line of defense is a disguise

so I am unrecognizable to this guy.

Now, I'm thinking of doing something like "The Klumps"--

classic special effects.

I don't know how they did the farts.

Was that a rig that they put inside the suit?

I just feel like that's the direction I want to go.

I think "The Klumps" will be a little extensive.

Yeah. Then how about if I go

on a "Klumps" diet?

Hold on, Gear-i, pull up "Klump Diet."

I love "The Klumps,"

but there might not be enough time to pull that off.

You don't want to underdo the Klumps.

Um, I can pull some wigs for you

and maybe a few facial prosthetics.

I think if we also do a set of teeth for ya,

something that really changes your mouth

and changes your face and it won't be recognizable.

Yeah, I think that works.

I also do a very solid Australian accent.

I've gotten tons of compliments on it, um...

I've heard nothing but the contrary.

I've gotten plenty of positive feedback

on my Aussie accent, Gear-i, thank you, though.

Not according to Amy Schumer's Twitter feed.

Shut up, Gear-i!

Um...

All right, well, I like this direction.

Um... my life is in your hands, guys.

Let's see what you got.

(Jon) It was time to build my disguise.

(with accent) Pretty good accent.

Like if you didn't know me, you'd believe it, right?

Step off the...

Step off an airplane, right on to the tarmac.

(Blair) That's a, uh... a wound.

That's a wound? You wanted a wound.

Mm-hmm, sure it is, Blair.

I mean, I want this thing to look super real.

That's perfect. Yeah.

That's perfect.

(Jon) Putting the disguise together was uncomfortable at times,

but you know what else is uncomfortable?

Being murdered by an unhinged lunatic.

So I focused on the task at hand--

maintaining a mindset of confidence and strength.

(sobbing)

My new disguise was finally ready.

Not too bad...

(with accent) Ay, mate?

Aussie Aussie Aussie gear gear gear.

I headed over to Renzo Gracie's Fight Academy in Brooklyn

to learn the art of hand-to-hand combat.

Good to meet you, champ.

(with accent) Nice to meet you.

Jon Glaser, although you don't have to call me that right now

'cause I'm in disguise.

Now, would you say you feel confident

that jujitsu will prepare me to defend myself

against this lunatic?

Definitely, jujitsu is the best hand-to-hand combat

that you can learn.

Great. Show me the gear.

We actually have no gear, this is it--

a t-shirt and pair of shorts, that's it.

You don't wear-- you don't wear gear.

Nothing at all.

All right, well, pleasure to meet you, appreciate it.

Don't think you can help me.

(Jon with accent) What a complete and total

waste of my time.

I can't trust gearless tactics to keep me alive,

so I headed over to the legendary Gleason's Boxing Gym

in Brooklyn to check out a more gear-based sport.

I needed to learn how to punch to defend myself

from this animal who had no regard for human life,

let alone proper food delivery temperature.

(with accent) Gear.

Hey! How you doin'?

(with accent) Country, how's it going?

Hey, Jon. Good.

Ready to go, man.

(laughing) All right!

The thunder from down under.

(laughing) Yeah.

What's up first?

This is to wrap your hands in.

These are called hand wraps.

Hand wrap. Yeah, hand wraps.

Sorry, I got a thick accent so...

it might sound a little weird. It's okay.

I understand you.

All right. We're speaking each other's language here.

Yeah, okay.

Boxing-- the universal language.

Exactly.

(Jon with accent) First up for training,

jump rope!

Next, shadowbox.

Then a little speedbag.

Can't remember what this thing is...

or why I had to do this.

This rope thing was fun.

Good.

Heavy bag... Gear!

Gear, gear!

And then it was time to get in the ring to spar.

It was finally time to strap on the gloves

and turn myself into a lean, mean boxing machine.

With every punch I thought about coming face to face

with this beast, and what life would be like

for my wife and kids without their hubby and father.

(sobbing, with accent) I'm so scared!

I'm gettin' real scared.

What if...

(Jon with accent) I was more frightened

than a wallaby trapped on a croc beach without his boomerang.

Country, I really appreciate

all the hard work you did with me

and all the training and showing me all this cool gear.

Do you think that I'm now adequately prepared...

to go take on this lunatic and defend myself?

Boxing is a sport that you need a lot of time to learn.

A week?

Years. Oh.

Listen, one year.

Country, I don't have a year.

This guy wants me dead.

Then you should try MMA or...

karate or judo or something, you should try that.

No, that's no good, see, I already tried that

before I came to see you,

and they didn't have a lot of cool gear, so I came here.

Yeah.

(Jon with accent) Jujitsu had no gear

and boxing takes too long.

With these crushing realizations,

there was only one option left for me.

Well, if that's the case, where's the nearest gun shop?

Lock and load!

Gear!

(Jon with accent) After striking out with boxing and jujitsu,

I thought third time's the charm with guns.

Lots of cool gear,

and a surefire way to protect myself from the cold fry killer.

Howdy. How you doin'?

I'm Jon. Rob.

I called you earlier.

I want to learn how to shoot a gun.

Well, we can set you up.

Great.

All right, I'm here at the gun range

where I'm very excited to learn to defend myself

against this cold-blooded killer.

But more importantly, I'm more excited about this cool gear.

I got these great shooting goggles

that got a super cool yellow lens,

just like John Goodman wore in "The Big Lebowski,"

only I got a much cooler style frame than he did.

(phone ringing) Also...

Excuse me.

Hello.

Hey, Jon. Ay, mate.

Yeah. It doesn't look like he was fired.

He's made several deliveries in the last hour.

Right, no, you stay on him.

You stay on him, mate,

'cause they're just probably letting him finish up his shift

because they feel bad for him.

Let him finish out the day,

then he's gonna come after me.

Why are you talking like that?

Jon?

Next cool piece of gear,

got these super awesome cool looking ear protectors.

These are gonna shield my ears from the blast.

Lots of cool guys have worn these in movies--

Clint Eastwood in some of his police movies,

and other cool guys too.

Next up, the cherry on the cool sundae, the gun.

All right, Jon, this is a nine-millimeter,

it is loaded.

You're gonna want to keep your finger off the trigger

until it's pointed at the target downrange.

When you're ready to shoot, you press this silver button

and you're good to go.

All right, let's do this!

Gear.

(grunting)

Put a little muscle in it.

Trying-- push.

Right here. (gun clicks)

Yeah, there we go.

I've never shot a gun or even held one,

this is my first time doing either and, uh...

now that it's in my hands, it's kind of weird.

A little scary, actually, um...

I'm kind of nervous.

(clearing throat)

Um...

Maybe we shouldn't have put his picture on the...

on the target.

Little strange where I'm actually feeling

like I'm looking at him.

Well, I gotta put myself in the scenario, right?

I gotta pretend this is actually happening.

Right? It's me or him, right?

It's me or him!

Are we gonna do this? This really gonna happen?

I don't think so, asshole!

(loud gunshot)

(normal voice) Yeah, I don't want to do this.

I don't like this-- not for me.

Um, uh... let's use some pepper spray or something.

I think pepper spray will...

get that guy with pepper spray.

(with accent) I'm very curious to see

how effective this pepper spray is that I got.

Gary, one of our interns,

has volunteered to help me demonstrate.

Gary, you ready? Oh, yeah, I can't wait.

(phone ringing) Oh, crickey.

Hello.

I'm watching him making a delivery to a man

sitting on a park bench.

And the guy looks very much like you.

They're talking.

It looks like he figured out it was a body double.

(Bleep), he's onto me!

(spraying, Gary screaming)

Gotta go! (screaming over phone)

(Jon with accent) I didn't feel safe

on the streets anymore.

So to protect myself,

I've taken a section of the production office

and turned it into my own private panic room.

I also hired a consultant to look over what I've done

and make sure I'm completely safe

from this bloodthirsty cold fry killer.

Well, right here, first line of defense, the door.

Uh, we put a steel, I think,

or some kind of metal coating over the door

and put one, two, three deadbolts.

Sure seems like it, huh?

(siren blaring)

Stocked up on seltzer and ginger ale.

I got water.

This is my favorite pretzel.

As you can see here, "Snack Producer of the Year 2016."

Well, this, to me, keeps me feeling safe and secure.

Ah, okay, good. I've got a surveillance system

so when I'm locked up in here, I'll see 'em comin'.

So this is no good. No.

(siren blaring)

Let's say if I gotta stay in here for an extended time,

I've also got this little toilet.

Aussie Aussie Aussie gear gear gear!

Yeah.

Uh...

(siren blaring)

Thank you, Dan. You're welcome.

Lookin' forward to being more secure.

Well, clearly we got a lot of work to do.

But once we get this place more secure,

all that'll be left is to lock the door and hunker down.

Let's get to work.

(Bleep, bleep)!

(normal voice) Shit.

Oh, God damn it!

Stupid idea! Damn it!

Just kill me quick.

Please, just kill me quick.

What? You're gonna execute me, right?

You're gonna sit me on the toilet,

two in the dick, one in the brain,

so that's the last image my kids see on the news, right?

No, look, okay, I don't know what's going on here,

but, like, my boss told me that your fries were cold.

Yeah, and he fired you and you came here to kill me, right?

Just do the brain before the dick, though, please,

just so I'm dead and I don't gotta feel the dick shots.

No, no, he didn't fire me.

He didn't fire me.

I came here to apologize, man.

I feel terrible.

I mean, you gave me that huge tip.

And you know, I do have a warming bag, but...

your order was so late

that I just flew out the door with it

because I wanted to get to you on time,

and your office was so close.

But I should've known better.

Fries don't travel too well.

That's how I feel.

It's like, every time I get fries delivered,

they're the most consistently inconsistent food temperature.

Sometimes they're too hot.

Really, they can't be too hot-- if they're hot, great.

But sometimes they're perfect, they nailed it, they're hot.

Sometimes it's like, eh, a little lukewarm

but I can do this, I can eat these.

Sometimes they're ice-cold, and that drives me crazy,

get it right, what's so hard about it?

I know, I mean, like, there should just be

a separate warming bag just for the fries.

Yes! That's exactly how I feel.

Have a separate warming bag for the fries to keep them warm,

like what's so-- (phone beeping)

Hello.

Jon, he's in the building!

Too late, idiot, you're fired.

But yeah, like, get it right.

Look, I'm sorry about the fries, man.

(with accent) Let's turn this cold fry frown upside down.

(Jon) Right then I realized

that the enemy of my enemy is my friend,

and the enemy is cold fries.

Obviously, you know, the focus, we want these fries to be warm.

(Jon) So that crazy lunatic killer and I put our minds together

to design a product that would ensure

that every fry in America would be a hot one.

And now it was time to test our invention.

Here it is, the final product--

our Fry Caramba French Fry Warming Bag.

We're here in this field,

attempting to prove that this is

the best French fry

warming bag on the market.

We are cooking fries right here

in this portable French fry maker

which is attached to this really cool generator.

We're gonna take those piping-hot fries,

put 'em right into the Fry Caramba,

attach the Fry Caramba to that pole,

launch the Fry Caramba into space where it's freezing cold.

In theory, these fries should return to earth freezing cold,

but we believe the Fry Caramba will return them piping hot.

And if they're not, then it's back to the drawing board

until we get it right.

With the Fry Caramba we're gonna put these fresh, hot fries

right into the Fry Caramba.

Ow, Fry Caramba!

Super hot, these are super hot fries.

We're putting them into

the individual warming sleeves of the Fry Caramba.

Each French fry gets its own little sleeping bag

to keep it nice and warm.

The warming sleeves keep each fry warm,

and then those sleeves are then loaded into the Fry Caramba

for maximum warmth and protection.

I am now sealing the Fry Caramba,

which is full of piping-hot, warm French fries.

Let's send these fries into space!

This is John Arnos from our props department.

He's assisting us to attach the Fry Caramba to the balloon

before it goes into space.

And of course we've got a GoPro on one end of this pole

to get some cool shots!

(loud rock music)

I think it's good to go.

Then let's (bleep) do this. You ready?

(Jon) Will our launch be successful?

Is the Fry Caramba really going into space?

Don't touch that dial,

because you'll never believe what happens next

with the Fry Caramba.

(Jon) Here it is, the moment you've been waiting for,

the launch into space of the Fry Caramba.

On three-- three, two... Oh, two-- we're going down?

Yeah. Okay.

(both) Three, two, one...

Blastoff! ...into space!

Whoo-hoo-hoo!

Yeah, there goes the Fry Caramba!

Whoo!

All right!

Up in space... yeah!

Look how high that thing's going!

Yeah, go Fry Caramba!

Yeah!

Yeah! Yeah!

(cheering and whooping)

It's in space, yeah!

Yeah! Whoo-hoo-hoo!

Yeah!

(Bleep) yeah, man!

(Bleep) yeah!

Those (bleep) fries are in space!

(balloon pops, whooshing)

(thud)

Holy (bleep).

(whispering) All right, this is the test.

(exhaling deeply)

Ready?

I'm ready.

Oh, God.

It feels kind of cold, like it was in space.

(chuckling)

It feels warm, man.

It's pretty warm.

You ready?

Feeling warm.

Yeah! Yes, yes!

That's warm!

That's some high fry, man!

Whoo!

Hold up a second, man, hold up a second.

Hold up a second, hold up a second.

Man has been to the moon,

and now fries have been to space.

Never will you have to worry about or accept

cold fries ever again!

Whoo! Whoo!

Yes!

Yes!

(Jon) I think the takeaway from today's episode

is that there's nothing we can't achieve

when mankind and gear-kind work together.

You need look no further than two former enemies

whose newfound friendship led to the invention of something

as profound as the Fry Caramba.

Yeah!

Fry Caramba! Whoo!

(Muzak playing on loop)