Original subtitles

Today on "Jon Glaser Loves Gear"...

[thumping in rhythm]

[playing "Wipeout"]

Surfing!

Gear!

*

Gear!

(Jon) Surfing is a sport I've never tried.

It looks really fun and it has a lot of cool gear,

and there's no question that cool surfer dudes

appeal to the ladies.

So I headed out to Breakwater Surf Company

in Rockaway Beach to gear up for my first-ever surf lesson

and impress the number one beach babe in my life.

Oh, yeah.

Sweet.

Hi, guys, I'm Gerald.

Welcome to Breakwater Surf.

I'm Jon. Nice to meet you, Jon.

Uh, this is my wife. Leslie.

Nice to meet you, Leslie.

(whispering) She's actually not my wife, just so you know.

She's an actress who's playing my wife,

but you could refer to her as my wife.

Okay, okay, I'll definitely do that.

So, yeah, my wife and I, we're pretty psyched to be here.

I've never surfed, I'm gonna take a lesson later today.

So this is my first time doing anything surfing related,

and I'm looking to gear up and I'm looking to you

to sort of be my... surf expert or my "surfspert".

Just call you Gerald? Yeah, yeah.

No problem, man, that's cool.

All right, hon, you get some 'kinis.

I'm so excited.

Yeah, all right, you go get some 'kinis and...

Yes. ...me and Gerald are gonna gear up.

Oh, yeah!

That's cool, man. This thing's sweet.

The only thing that happens is that a lot of the times

people start recognizing,

they notice you with that bright color.

They're looking at you, saying,

"Geez, that guy looks like a bit of a kook."

"Kook" is a term for a guy who doesn't know how to surf,

is trying to look too cool, that kind of a thing.

That's me.

What's a good beginner board?

See that green board there? That one?

That Softech right there? That's not bad looking.

As long as it-- listen, as long as it looks cool.

I gotta look rad when I'm shredding mother naytch.

What's some lingo that I should be using out there

so I don't look like just, you know,

Joe Schmo from the streets?

Killer swell. Some killer swell.

Shreddin' the 'nar. Shreddin' the 'nar, like that?

Yeah... killer.

Pop the Tostito.

Yo, man, I'm gonna pop that crunch, right?

I mean-- Crunch that, crunch that shred.

What's up, babe?

How's the 'kini browse?

Hmm... You have some cool stuff?

I was thinking, like, a one-piece would be good for TV.

Um...

Yeah, I mean, this could work, but this feels so dark,

I don't know if that's good for the camera.

They have a white one too.

Um, what about, like, something like this?

I mean, this is pretty nice.

It's kind of small. Right?

That's hot. We should get--

We'll get the right size.

Yeah?

Um, do you think, like,

when your wife is watching it back and everything

that this might be, like, a bit more...

When my wife is watching it back?

Um, you're my wife, remember?

I just think this would look so good on you.

I mean, listen, you know me, I'm a feminist,

I support women, I want women to be comfortable.

But I do feel like part of that is at the beach

it's just empowering yourself as a woman to say,

"This is my body."

There's nothing more that screams feminist

than "bikini," right?

(Jon) With my wife's 'kini all settled,

I headed to the beach to meet Mike and Mike

from Local Surf School for my first lesson.

Hey, guys.

What's up, boss? How's it going?

I'm Jon.

I'm Mike, nice to meet you. Mike.

And I'm Mike. Mike as well.

Yeah.

This is my wife, Leslie.

Hey, Leslie. Hi, Leslie.

All right, sweetie, thanks a lot.

See ya in a bit.

So, Jon, have you been to Rockaway before?

Never been out here before.

Never been here, so...

This is called Beach 69th street.

Hey, babe, you know where we're at-- this is beach 69.

(laughing)

(Mike) She's not impressed.

Not yet, not 'til tonight.

Yeah, I don't even know what that means.

Paddle, paddle, paddle, and pop up.

Oh, boy. It's going to be a long day.

Paddle, paddle, paddle, and pop up.

Way better.

Let's paddle, paddle, paddle, and pop up.

Hey, dude, nice job. Nice!

(Jon playing "Wipeout" on guitar)

(Jon) It was time to hit the oash

and do a little shreddin' all over mother naytch.

You like head, the hood?

You like these? You don't like 'em.

Your loss, dude.

(Jon) I was a little nervous

to get out on my board for the first time,

but it was totally worth it for all the cool shots!

(hard rock playing)

It was the moment of truth, my first-ever ride.

I thought I popped up pretty good, but then uh-oh!

Oh, boy!

Oh-oh...

Oh, well, no biggie.

It's like they say out on the oash,

"If at first you don't shred seed, harblar the gnar."

What?

After biting it hard a bunch of times,

it was finally time to show mother naytch

there was a new surf boss in town.

Some might think he's a kook, but all I see is Johnny Cool!

*

Yeah!

In your face, mother naytch!

(laughing) Oh, yeah, wipeout!

Yeah, shreddin' mother chur--

that's another way of saying naytch,

which is just another way of saying "nature".

Whoo! Yeah, babe, I did it!

Good job, Jon!

Shredded mother naytch!

Gear!

Whoo!

(Jon) After conquering the ocean,

it was now time to enjoy the on-shore side of surfing.

Dude...

So we hired some cool surf dudes to be my new beach buds.

Chillzer.

P-Nut.

Skullzy.

Jeff.

You guys wanna hear "Wipeout"?

(playing "Wipeout")

Wipeout!

Pretty good, right?

I've gotta tell you, it's pretty, uh...

pretty sweet to be hanging with my new buds at the beach.

(Jon) All right, let's freeze it for a second.

We had to pause the action there to explain something.

Um, TrueTV didn't think that my surfer voice

was authentic enough.

I respectfully disagree, I thought I kinda nailed it.

But in any case, we had to hire an actual surfer

to come in, here in post, and dub over all of my dialog.

So, uh, that's what we're here doing.

We're gonna shoot it.

Let's get him in the booth.

So hey, man, we are rolling and, uh, whenever you're ready.

All right, cool, cool.

Oh, um, my agent said that it didn't have to be

like, word-for-word, just like...

capture the spirit of it.

Yeah, let's actually, uh, we're gonna get word-for-word.

Stick to the script please and then when we feel

like we got it, we'll have some fun with it, okay?

All right, sounds fair. Thank you.

I'm super stoked to hang out with my new buds on the beach.

Nice, man, real sweet.

All right.

(Bleep) waste of time.

(Jon) Okay, let's get back to the scene

with the supposedly more authentic surfer voice in there.

(dubbed voice) Pretty sweet to be hangin' with my new buds at the beach.

Hey, did I tell you guys about my new restaurant idea?

Pretty cool, man, it's called Pasta Mañana.

Get some pasta today, get a banana tomorrow.

And then every time people come back the next day

for the banana, I'll say,

"No, you gotta come back tomorrow

because it's Pasta Mañana."

And then I never have to buy a single banana

'cause every time people show up, I'm like,

"You gotta come back the next day."

Pasta Mañana.

(playing "Wipeout")

It's the ultimate wipeout.

Hey, what's up, babe?

Hey, guys, this is my wife.

Hi. Hey, these are the guys,

my new beach buds.

Hey, hon, show off the suit!

Hey, all right!

I guess it's bikini weather, right, bros?

(laughing)

Hey, uh...

I'll be right back, guys.

I'm gonna go check something out.

(dubbed voice) When you see someone sad

and alone at the beach,

it's beach rules to include them.

No one should be lonely at the beach.

Hey, man. Hey.

How's it goin'?

Good, man.

Mind if I join you?

No, please.

(groaning)

What's your name?

Charlie.

I saw you checking out me and my buds back there.

Why don't you come join us, man?

Uh, I would, but...

Charlie don't surf.

That's all right, I don't surf either.

Anyway, Charlie, you seem cool, man.

I could tell you and I will be good buds and have a good time.

Why don't you come join us?

I'd love that, man, I'd love that, thank you.

Let's do it, man.

We got a cool crew, yeah,

it'll take you real fast, yeah, man.

Hey, guys, this is Charlie.

He says he don't surf. (laughing)

I said he could hang with us today.

Hey, man.

Hey, Charlie, this is the guys.

This is my wife, my wife, Leslie.

Hi. And this is Charlie.

Hey.

So what do you guys say?

Now that we got a new member of the gang,

should we get a little beach hang goin' on?

Yeah! (all cheering)

Well, all right!

(playing "Wipeout")

(all) Wipeout!

(surfer music playing)

(Jon) Hangin' out with my new beach buds was really fun.

I had a great time playing a little Frisbee.

Played a little hacky sack, got to show off my skills.

And cracked some cold brews

with my sweet, new sandal bottle opener.

Other than that, there was a lot of high-fiving

and general cool running along the beach.

Okay, back to the episode

with my voice unnecessarily dubbed by that surfer guy.

(dubbed voice) All right, guys, I love to hang, but I'm gonna split.

Gonna head back to my chill bungalow.

Just gotta find my lady

and end the day with a nice walk on the beach.

(guys) All right...

(dubbed voice) Have you guys seen her anywhere, man?

(Jon playing "Wipeout" on guitar)

What the (bleep)?

(normal voice) Would you guys cut for a second?

Hey, Eva, hey.

What's goin' on?

That is not cool, what is goin' on here.

Okay, hookin' up with one of my beach bros

is not in the script,

just like hooking up with my former sidekick

wasn't in the script.

(Jon playing "Wipeout" on guitar)

("Wipeout" continues)

She (bleep) my former sidekick.

Jon, I'm not in character right now, I'm Eva right now.

And I, Eva, not your wife, like Charlie.

This is not cool, Eva!

You're still here.

Jon, this is real life, I'm not on-set right now.

I'm not filming right now.

Yeah, but you were basically gonna.

I mean, the whole world's a stage, Eva, including the beach.

Okay, you know what?

You cannot be my fake wife anymore.

We need to get a fake divorce and you are for real fired.

Sorry, sorry.

Fine!

This is so stupid anyway.

(slow motion) Wait a minute-- no...!

Oh, my God!

(normal voice) It's my wife's real ring!

You know what, I feel really bad for your real wife.

You know, me too!

You just threw her ring in the sand.

(dubbed voice) I couldn't believe my fake wife

threw my real wife's real ring in the real sand.

(Bleep)!

(gull cawing) (Bleep) you, gull.

(dubbed voice) If I didn't find that ring,

I was a shred man walking.

(normal voice) Anyone see where it landed?

Did you guys see where the ring landed?

(softly) Goddamn it.

(dubbed voice) And trying to find that ring in the sand

would be like trying to find a needle in the sand.

(Bleep), oh, I'm so (bleep).

I'm so (bleep).

(dubbed voice) Then something caught my eye.

The solution to my epic problem,

which turned my gear frown upside-down.

(normal voice) Hey, dude, cool gear, man!

Nice!

(chuckling) Oh, yeah.

Yeah, cool!

I like that thing!

What is that?

(dubbed voice) I was totally intrigued

by that detector bro's metal detector,

so I picked myself up some cool new gear.

No longer was I a carefree bohemian surfer.

I was now a carefree bohemian metal detecting dude.

(detector beeping)

Hopefully all this cool gear would help me find that ring.

(beeping faster)

(detector beeping)

(beeping faster)

(waves rolling, gulls cawing)

(dramatic music)

(dubbed voice) Are you okay?

I mean...

This metal detector you found, this is my metal detector

'cause I was here the other day, beachcombing,

and I just got into this really deep meditation

and I don't know how long I would've been under the sand

if you hadn't come by and saved my life.

(dubbed voice) That's crazy, right?

Yeah. (beeping faster)

Whoa! Hold up.

Life's paying you back, come on, life.

Please, please.

Oh, my God, please. (rattling)

You hear that?

Rocks, seashells, no-- yes!

Yes!

Whoo! (laughing)

Found it!

Yes!

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

That's the magic of life, man.

That's exactly right-- no, think about it.

If we don't do a surfing episode,

then my fake wife, she's not gonna meet that surfing dude,

and we don't get fake divorced,

she doesn't throw my real wife's ring in the sand,

I don't go searching for it and see that metal detector guy,

I don't get into metal detecting and all the cool gear,

I don't start searching the beach for the ring,

I don't find you,

which then leads us to here!

None of this happens if this didn't happen.

All right, this is, this is...

too much to hope for, to make this the perfect moment,

but by any chance would you happen to be an actress?

Yeah, why?

Because now I know that it was destiny

that all of this happened and bring us here and that we meet.

(sighing)

(laughing) What?

Will you be my new fake wife in the show?

Yes! Yes?

Oh, my God!

She said yes! Yes!

(dubbed voice) I was super-stoked

to get married to my new fake wife on the beach.

In fake sickness and in fake health.

Do you have the ring?

Oh, wow, yes.

(Gear-i) With this ring, I thee shred.

Wow, good one, Gear-i, funny.

I now pronounce you husband and fake wife.

You may kiss the fake bride.

(both laughing)

All right, guys, we gotta cut for a second.

Jon, your wife's over there.

Oh, really? Yeah.

(normal voice) Oh, uh...

It's my real wife.

I gotta, you know... Oh, yeah.

Love you. Yeah.

Hey, what's up? How you doing?

Hi, I'm so sorry for interrupting your work.

I can't find-- I can't find my wedding ring anywhere.

I've looked everywhere, I can't find it.

What? I don't know where it is.

No! Seriously?

Yeah, I, I'm freaking out.

I tried texting you, I'm so sorry.

No, do not freak out, it's gotta be around here somewhere.

I know, I know, right? Yeah.

But what's going on over there?

Oh, this is, uh, we're shooting a fake wedding

'cause I had to marry a new actress to be my fake wife

'cause the first actress who played my fake wife,

we had to fire her because she was being difficult, so...

Oh, but isn't that her over there?

(Jon playing "Wipeout" on guitar)

Yeah, yeah, she's still hanging out with-- it's a long story.

Listen, just-- it's gonna turn up.

But I don't remember taking it off.

I mean, I don't think--

Listen, if you look in your purse, listen--

Oh, my God!

Look, there it is! Oh, my God!

Oh, my God, oh, my God! See?

Oh, my God, I don't even remember--

this is what was driving me so crazy.

I don't remember taking it off.

I know! This is crazy.

Oh, my God, see? You're okay, you're okay.

I'm sorry, oh, my God. You're okay, you're okay.

It's okay, you're good. Oh, oh...

You found it. Thank you, thank you.

I'm so... happy.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Of course, listen, you're stressed.

Why don't you stay here, calm yourself down...

Yes. You can watch a take of the show.

Yeah. After the wedding,

you can watch yourself go for a walk on the beach with me.

Okay, okay. Okay?

(Bleep)!

Hey, man!

Hey, dude, dude!

Hey, man!

Who the (bleep) are you?

Who the (bleep) are you?

That was so crazy,

that I ended up getting this job, right, bro?

I mean, when my agents called,

I was like, uh, I think I already met that dude.

You remember, when you were like,

"Who the (bleep) are you?"

And I was like, "Who the (bleep) are you?"

And we were on that beach and it was, like, so windy,

and it was just like, you know, it felt like a, like a blizzard,

but, you know, it's sand, and you know,

well, mother naytch, you know?

But...

Am I capturing the spirit of it?

Yeah, just-- yes, thank you.

Great, okay.

(dubbed voice) Not again.

I couldn't believe it.

I felt so pitted.

I felt like I had to come clean to my real wife.

Got it, moving on, thank you.

Yo, is everything cool?

'cause I'm like, picking up a little...

a little hostile vibe going on.

All good, dude!

Next line, thanks!

All right, cool.

(normal voice) I have a confession to make.

Uh...

I took your ring.

Why would you do that?

I just wanted to have it be authentic.

I used it for the fake wives,

they've been wearing your ring so it would look real,

and I know you're mad... Yeah.

But I feel if you and I just took a nice walk on the beach,

me and my babe... Yeah, okay, why don't you just go ask her?

(whispering) I don't believe him... asshole.

(dubbed voice) I needed to hire my fake wife back

since I still needed an on-camera wife

and I couldn't work with a new fake wife

since she cheated on me with that asshole surfer.

Isn't it going to be confusing to the audience to, like,

see me in the shot and hear my voice,

which is supposed to be you?

Dude, do the next line, and let's move on.

Rock on, all right, uh, uh...

I lost my place.

Oh, there we are, I'm good.

I don't even give a (bleep) what you say.

Just say somethin' that you'd say at the beach.

Uh... hey, you single?

That usually works... about half the time,

if half is like 25-- Try this.

I'm gonna give you a line that's not in your script.

Hey, what's up? I'm a total (bleep) dick.

Can you give me that?

Uh...

It's gonna be me saying it, don't worry about it.

Yeah, all right.

Hey, what's up?

I'm a total (bleep) dick.

More like this, "I'm a total (bleep) dick."

All right.

I'm total (bleep)--

You forgot the "Hey, what's up?"

Hey, what's up?

I'm a total (bleep) dick.

Hey, what's up?

I'm a total (bleep) dick.

I feel like you're talking to me.

We got it, we got it, thank you, great.

I'm sensing a little weird vibe between us, man.

Here's the deal.

The network wanted you here, not me.

'cause what I'm doing right here, dude,

sounds pretty good to me, bro.

I don't see the big difference.

If anything, I'd say what I'm doing,

a little more authentic than you.

Yeah, well, that sounded pretty (bleep) terrible.

Well, you know what?

I don't give a (long bleep) what you gotta say

about what I did, bro.

Oh, wow, so you're, like, mocking me now, right?

Not a mod, dude. That's what I feel like you're doing, you know...

Pot calling the kettle bro, bro!

Yeah, dude! Okay!

You bring out that kettle shit!

I swear to God, man, I am just going to come find you

and go to Far Rockaway if you ever come!

I swear, man, do like you did... Okay, dude.

Hold on a second.

Look, I'm sorry for losing my cool,

I'm sorry you got caught in the middle of this argument

I had with the network, we're gonna use your voice,

it's better than mine, all right?

We're gonna end the episode with this beautiful shot

of me and my fake wife having

a nice walk on the beach at sunset,

and you'll be doing my voice.

(Bryan) Oh, yeah, cool.

I was getting weird, dude,

I wasn't understanding what was going on.

No, yeah, no, dude, it's all good, okay?

We'll be walking down the beach,

I'll do this hilarious arm candy joke,

and then we're gonna end the scene

on a shot of me apologizing to my wife for losing her ring,

and I turn to her and say...

I'm a total (bleep) dick.

(gulls cawing)

Right, but it's just my voice, right?

You're still on your face at this point?

Yeah, yeah, for sure, we will never see you in this.

It's only going to be your voice on my face.

Oh, okay, yeah, cool, cool.