Original subtitles

Yeah...

Got a couple of Jacks-- boom.

Uh, do you have any sevens?

Nah, go fish.

Okay, well, seeing as how today's episode

of "Jon Glaser Loves Gear" is fishing,

you're goddamn right I will!

Gear!

*

Gear!

*

(Jon) Fishing--

it's more than a sport,

it's a way of connecting to yourself.

The patience, the meditation, and of course,

the gear.

I asked champion bass fisherman Woo Daves

if he'd spend a day with me

and show me the ins and outs of this time-honored tradition

of the great outdoors.

Hey, Woo. Hey, Jon.

Thank you very much for, uh, joining us here today.

Maybe we can learn a little bit about fishing today.

Maybe we're gonna learn a little bit about each other today.

That'll work.

We'll find out who's teaching who.

Maybe it'll be one of those, like,

"I thought I was teaching him,

but actually, he was teaching me."

One way or another we're gonna learn something.

I think I got a pretty sweet fishing outfit going on.

I got my waders, I got a pretty sweet shirt,

a nice vest, quality sunhat, some sweet shades,

I got my buff, keep me all protected from the sun.

Boom. Yep.

Now, do you ever wear something like this?

Oh, yeah, your buff is an excellent piece of gear.

See, I would just wear this just going to the beach.

(chuckling) Oh, yeah.

Let me tell you something--

my kids don't like it. Yeah.

I wanna show you something, Woo.

You know that old cartoon, "The Happy Fisherman"?

Uh, not really.

It's a drawing of a fisherman and he's just kind of

standing out there and he's fishing,

and he's just smiling, he looks happy, right?

But below the water is a fish kind of, you know,

suckin' his... (imitates muffled horn).

(laughing)

So this is my take on an old classic--

"The Happy Fisherman 2016!"

I thought about calling it "Catch and Full Release."

Now, instead of him getting it from the fish,

he's giving it to the fish...

(laughing)

...from behind, and he's also getting a reach-around

from this fish, and he's looking pretty,

"Oh, boy! What's goin' on?"

And then the worm here is like, "Uh-oh!"

That's why you don't want to have your waders on.

Maybe I'll take these off, man.

Get a little plesch.

*

This is something we kind of rigged up,

putting a GoPro on a lure.

So hopefully one of the fish, if it'll bite this,

pretty kick-ass shot, right?

(heavy metal music)

Let's say you're out there in your boat,

you got a little bite,

you get it up to your boat,

Creature from the Black Lagoon comes out.

Are you gonna pull out a gun

or are you going hand-to-hand on that guy?

I'm probably gonna cut the line and let him go.

Now, you know, my old gear expert, uh, who...

There's a lot of times I really miss this guy.

I had a sidekick and I had to fire him.

He, uh, he (bleep) my wife.

Ooh. Steve taught me

that if someone's coming at you and you have a knife,

just go right for the femoral artery

and then watch him bleed out.

Then I'll probably put one in his neck and see what happens.

Let's go fish. Let's go.

They say I was fishing alone and a fish broke way over there.

I would probably go overhand like that.

Woo! Yeah.

(Jon) Woo's expert guidance was truly helping me understand

how fishing transcended the gear.

There we go. There you go.

You did everything right that time.

(Jon) I was slowly becoming one with my surroundings,

and I was ready to handle

whatever mother nature threw my way.

Sweet cast, Woo.

Whoa-oh! Here we go!

Fish on, fish on! Come here...

What the hell is that?

What-- what you got, Jon?

Ha!

What the hell?

A Sealline Baja bag. Sealline.

I mean, it's a kick-ass bag.

I hope there's money in there.

That's weird.

(Woo) "We have your family."

Who's that from?

That doesn't look good.

That's my daughter.

That's my son.

That's my wife.

Hey, and that's the Happy Fisherman-- he's everywhere.

What the (bleep) going on here?

(chuckling)

(chuckling echoes)

(shouting)

Oh!

Oh, sweetie, what's wrong?

Oh, my God, I just had the craziest dream.

It was about fishing...

So much cool gear and then it just got weird.

I don't-- I can't-- I don't think I can go fishing now

for this episode.

It's gonna be fine.

(gasping) Go back to bed.

Yeah.

You love gear.

Okay, you're right, you're right, I love gear.

It was just a dream.

I love gear.

Oh, I love gear, I love gear, it's just a dream...

(Jon) My wife was right, I love gear.

(bleep) love gear so much.

So I headed over to Capitol Fishing Tackle company.

No metaphysical mumbo-jumbo here.

Just a lot of super cool deep sea fishing gear.

Gear!

Hey, Jon. Eric, nice to meet you.

Eric, thank you so much for showing me

some of this deep sea fishing stuff.

I've never done it, I'm really kind of psyched to try it.

It seems like there's already a lot of cool gear here.

Uh, why don't you start showing me what we got?

Yeah, I mean, it all depends on

what kind of fishing you want to do.

So, you wanna do the biggest, baddest stuff you can?

Yeah... yeah. You grab something like...

this. Whoa.

Something that, you know, if we were gonna go outside

and start pullin' cars, this would be it.

This thing is a monster.

You can catch tuna with that, you can catch shark.

And this is proper technique, right?

You just put it on your thigh,

you lean back and you just like, crank... (moaning) right?

Oh, absolutely not, no. Oh.

No, no, no.

Give me the tip of it, hold it like you're fishin'.

Do your little, you know...

and pull up.

(groaning) Oh... (bleep) yeah.

Oh... wow!

These things are... That is cool.

unbelievably strong.

(chomping)

(spitting)

I want to turn this thing into a guitar, man.

I just immediately went to, like, this kind of stance.

You just kind of Jimmy Buffet it and roll out.

This would be...

I think a little more like deep, heavy,

like, let's just create a new genre called Fish Metal?

Yeah, man. (mimicking distorted guitar)

Yeah.

Well, I already got the name of the first album.

It's going to be "Goin' Deep". Okay.

There's a fishing area we go to a lot

and it houses a lot of tuna, a lot of sharks,

it's called The Glory Hole.

That could be the name of your first song.

* Glory hole, comin' at you *

* Drop my line and reel 'em in *

And then we get soft with that song, and then...

(softly) * Glory hole

* Sweet little glory hole

(mimics loud guitar)

Anyway, this is a kick-ass rod, man.

(laughing)

You (bleep) idiot.

If I get into fishing, I'd be, you know,

my motto is gonna be like,

"Let's bring the excitement back to the cast."

You know?

And one of the things I'd always thought would be fun

is when you cast your line, to just scream, you know?

Just bring it way back and then unload with a...

(shrieking)

(shrieking)

(gasping)

Another fishing dream, honey?

Yeah, I mean, there's... there's a lot of cool gear

but I don't wanna go on the ocean.

There's too-- I have no desire to do that.

Way too scary.

I want nice and quiet, just...

small boat, small lake, me and my son.

Just the two of us together, fishing,

he's catching his first fish.

That sounds perfect, that's all I need.

That's all I want-- just quiet, me and my son...

(Jon) It turns out that all the anxiety I was having

about the fishing episode wasn't about gear at all.

It was about spending some quality time with my son.

So, uh, you excited to go fishing with dad?

Classic father-son moment--

catch your first fish with the old man?

I already caught my first fish.

(scoffs) What are you talking about? No, you haven't.

Yeah, I did, at Steve and Amy's lake house last year.

You couldn't go.

Don't you remember? I sent you that picture.

It was really sweet.

(phone dings, male voice) Pulling up picture now, Jon.

You caught your first fish with someone else's dad.

Yep. We had a blast!

With Steve, my old sidekick?

The man who betrayed my trust?

Are you gonna yell again like when we play Go Fish?

No, I'm not gonna yell again!

(sighing)

Tell me this isn't happening.

Someone wake me from this (bleep) nightmare.

I mean, where was I that I couldn't go?

Don't you remember?

You were getting your "World's Greatest Dad" mug appraised.

Well, this mug clearly dates back to the Ming Dynasty,

very valuable.

I would estimate in the mid to high six figures.

(gasping) Oh, my God.

Oh, and look-- on the bottom of the mug

is a drawing of a father and son fishing.

Ho-ho-ho!

(gasping)

(sighing)

(Jon) First my wife, now my son.

Betrayed again by my sidekick.

Well, now it was my turn

to betray my fist all over his (bleep) face.

(banging)

(knocking)

(door opens)

What's up, sidekick?

Long time, no see, man. How's it hanging?

I'm not your sidekick anymore.

What are you guys doing?

Did you take my son fishing?

What?

Did you... take my... son fish... ing?

What-- like last summer?

No, 80 million B.C.

Yeah, last summer! Jon, can you turn the light off?

Did you ever once think, "Hey, you know what?

"Maybe I shouldn't do this.

"Am I robbing a child of the opportunity

"of having the experience of catching his first fish

with his actual father, and also my boss?"

Dad?

What are you doing here?

What are you doing here?

Steve is teaching me how to shave.

Go wait in the car.

But-- why?

Go wait in the car.

It's cool, I'm certified.

Hey, is that a fish on your dick?

(gasping)

(sighing)

Honey, I just had the craziest dream.

Jon Glaser came over to our house at like,

two in the morning.

And he had a fish on his dick.

(sighing)

You mean that fish?

That's the one.

You wanna help me get it off?

I was thinking the exact same thing.

(computer voice) Jon, wake up, Jon, wake up,

Jon, wake up, Jon, wake up, Jon, wake up,

Jon, wake up, Jon, wake up, Jon, wake up,

Jon, wake up, Jon, wake up, Jon, wake up,

Jon, wake up, Jon--

(sighing)

What time is it?

It's early, just, um...

just go back to bed, I'm gonna get up and go to work.

(sighs)

This is Jon Glaser calling for Angel.

This is Angel.

Hey, what's goin' on? Just checkin' in.

Hey, Jon, heard the fishing episode's going well.

Well, yeah, we got a lot of really good fishing coverage,

really fun to shoot, I mean, I've been having

a couple of weird dreams the last couple of days, but...

Oh, no. ...other than that,

things have been, I think, going great.

Great! Well, let me ask really quick.

Are we-- do you know, did we get cleared to show Jewish butt?

Yeah, we were able to clear it.

So we're good to go. Yep.

That's great news, thank you very much.

All right, I'll call you back. Talk to you later.

All right, bye.

Great news, everybody!

We can show Jewish butt!

(all cheering)

Yeah, great job, everybody.

Yeah! Yeah!

(chanting) Jewish butt!

Jewish butt! Jewish butt!

Jewish butt!

(gasps)

Are you okay? (sighing)

You've been saying some weird stuff.

Oh, God.

I've just been having, like...

crazy bad dreams all night, like,

one after the other, after the other, after the other,

like, nonstop.

I don't know why I'm having so much anxiety

about this fishing episode.

(sighing)

Sweetheart, am I a good father?

Of course you're a good father.

(sobbing) I don't feel like I am.

Honey...

Jon.

Garmin Striker 7SV!

(sobbing)

Okay, Jon, did you just interject product placement

for an inland fish finder, GPS combo

in the middle of fake crying about being a good father?

(sobbing)

Um...

I'm sorry, could we just-- let's talk for a second.

Um...

That's not your line.

Your line is...

"Mmm," you know, "Product placement gets me all hot."

And then we have sex and we have a simultaneous orgasm.

So, let's just go back-- can we just go back and...

get the line?

'Cause that wasn't your line.

I know that wasn't my line.

Okay.

And this also... is not my line.

(evil incantation)

You're a sell-out.

(gasping)

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

Jon, sweetie, it's okay,

it's okay, it's okay.

You were tossing and turning, talking in your sleep.

It's okay.

I've been having all these bad dreams all night.

I had a dream where Steve taught our son to...

to fish and to shave.

I dreamt that I showed Jewish butt.

What?

I dreamt that you called me a sell-out,

but it wasn't you, it was the actress who plays you,

right up until the very end and then it switched to you

and you're the one that called me a sell-out.

I just-- I feel like I'm losing my mind.

Sweetie, oh, my God, you are so not a sell-out.

Hey, you do everything you can to support this family, right?

You're a wonderful father, and a great husband.

Hey, hey, remember-- look at me-- remember,

I had decided to let the cameras in because I felt so bad

about giving you such a hard time about it at the beginning?

This is real, right here, this is real, you're awake,

you're home.

I mean, it feels real, but how do I, how do I know?

Everything has felt real up to this point, everything.

(sighing)

Let me show you.

It's so perfect.

Shay fly rods-- perfecting performance since 1980!

(shouting and woman's moan echoes)

*

(Jon) I wasn't about to let all these crazy dreams

deter me from the task at hand.

The fishing episode was never supposed to be about

learning to fish, or even catching a fish with my son.

For me, it was about the simplicity

of spending some quality time alone in the great outdoors

and enjoying all that sweet, sweet...

Gear! (echo)

Gear! (echo)

Gear! (echo)

Gear! (echo)

Gear! (echo)

Gear! (echo)

Gear! (echo)

Gear! (echo)

(Jon's fake son) I already caught my first fish.

(Jon's fake wife) You're a wonderful father.

(Woo) Man, that's a happy fisherman...

(people chanting) Jewish butt! Jewish butt!

Jewish butt!

Gear! (echo)

*

Gear! (echo)

Gear! (echo)

Gear! (echo)

Excuse me.

What do you guys think you're doing?

Acting like an annoying asshole, that's what.

Gear!

(gasping)

*

(sighing)

(exhaling deeply)

Oh, man, let this be real.

Please, please, no more dreams, please.

(exhaling deeply)

Mr. Glaser, all set for you.

Oh, thank you, Daniel.

"A River Orgasms Through It" scene five, take one-- mark.

(clapboard claps)

(man) Action!

I need somebody to come grab my fly and hold my rod.

(chuckling)

This is what I call fishin'.

Oh, grab that rod.

(groaning) Yeah, work that rod.

Now cast it.

Jon-- Grab that rod.

Jon. What?

Oh. Are you okay?

You've been tossing and turning.

(sighing)

Um...

Yeah, yeah, I was having a bad dream.

Yeah, thanks for waking me up.

I'm just gonna get up.

Go back to sleep, okay?

I'm sorry I went fishing with someone else's dad

before fishing with you.

I feel bad.

Oh, you shouldn't, I'm over it at this point.

You know, I'm just glad we have the opportunity

to fish together and I can catch my first fish,

and it'll be a special moment.

Thanks, daddy.

Um...

No, your line, your line, is...

(softly) "I love you, daddy.

I love you, daddy."

But why would I say that if you're not my daddy?

I know, but we're just pretending, you know,

that's what acting is, so you just pretend I'm your dad.

Okay?

Say, "I love you, daddy."

I love you, daddy.

All right, that was, that was good,

but just a little more emotion, like, a little more like,

we need to believe it.

I love you, daddy.

All right, do you love your real daddy?

Yes.

All right, well, just pretend I'm your real daddy

and you're telling your real daddy "I love you," okay?

My dad died in Iraq.

He was Special Ops.

Wow.

Um...

Well, first of all, I'm so sorry to hear that.

That's... terrible,

and sad and-- wow, oh, my God, I'm so sorry.

(softly) Thanks.

And I'm really sorry that our...

producers did not inform me of this ahead of time.

Anyway, um...

It's okay, I mean, you wouldn't know.

I mean...

What happened?

(mimics explosion)

Jesus Christ.

Land mine? RPG?

Did a sniper get him?

You know what, let's drop it.

You don't want to talk about it.

I'm so sorry.

I appreciate your concern.

No pun intended, but thank you for letting me off the hook.

I can definitely tell he's proud of me.

There's no doubt in my mind that he's proud of you.

When I found out that I was going to be doing this job,

I told my family and they're like, "Oh, my God!

Jon Glaser?"

And I'm like, "Yes, the king of comedy!"

Well... I mean...

Well...

You're amazing.

Right now I should be paying homage to you, so...

I appreciate that.

I'd be so happy if I got a selfie with you.

Um, we could maybe do one after.

You're amazing. Thank you.

Excuse me if I've already said that, but I can't--

Say it as many times as you want-- I can't hear it enough.

Exactly, I can't say it too many times.

I mean, you are amazing.

Well, for as many times as you say I'm amazing,

I'm sorry about your dad.