Original subtitles

Hey, what's up?

Welcome to the "Jon Glaser Loves Gear" edit.

It's a little chilly outside today,

which is why I'm wearing this jacket.

This is my Patagonia Houdini,

easily one of my favorite jackets.

This thing is so sweet, I love it.

Sweet hood, nice and light.

Sweet, little pocket right here that the jacket stuffs into.

Anyway, before we start today's episode,

we just wanted to get you caught up on a few things.

If you've been following the show,

you know that my real wife doesn't want to be on-camera,

which I totally respect

because I'm a great husband and a feminist.

So I hired an actress to portray her.

And after last episode's incident

at my son's summer camp where I showed up unannounced,

I also had to hire actors to portray my kids.

I'm also not allowed to shoot at my real home anymore,

so we rented a new place and it is sick!

*

(no voice)

*

(all) We're the Glasers!

All right, hopefully that got you all caught up.

Let's start the episode.

(gulping loudly)

Today on "Jon Glaser Loves Gear"...

Dogs!

(barking echoes)

*

Gear!

Oh, I know, what a good girl, I know.

Oh, I know.

So, for one weekend a month, my family

and I dog sit for our neighbor,

he's in the army reserve and he's a real patriot,

and by caring for his dog

I feel like I'm serving my country as well.

Now, for some reason he stupidly does not have

a lot of cool gear for his dog,

so I've taken it upon myself to outfit the dog

with some pretty sweet stuff.

Got this kick-ass pack,

it's got a good harness with a handle on the back.

The leash attaches to the back, it's very comfortable.

It's got four cool pockets.

We've got this very cool, collapsible water bowl,

and look how cool that is, I know, it folds up so tiny

and goes right back in one of the cool pockets

on your harness, I know, it's so cool, I know.

And then I've got some cool gear of my own.

Got this pretty sweet fanny pack, two water bottles,

I got my own thermos right here,

this is a regular water bottle right here.

This is for rain to put the water in your bowl,

I know, in your cool, collapsible bowl.

And we're gonna have so much fun.

Let's go meet some other dogs and see their gear, I know.

Come on, let's go, Rain.

Rain and I headed out to the park to talk to people

about their dogs and their gear, I know, we did.

She's a mutt. Hi.

She's a full-bred mutt.

New York "Times" subscription poo bag.

Sure, smart. Oh, I know.

This little guy, uh, we got this, we were in Prague.

I think intended to be a treat bag.

Oh, I know.

Yeah, this is a cool leash.

I like this little piece right here, it's kind of neat.

Oh, I know.

This one's pretty cool, it's got a little bit of a...

(humming) Stretch, wow.

Regular Frisbees and some plastic Frisbees

rip up the dog's mouth,

so you end up with a bloody disc after a few minutes.

Bloody disc. Right.

I like the sound of that.

Oh, I know.

(whispers) Nice!

Look at that.

And then just a cool bottle.

Oh, I know. Wow.

Boop, boop, boop.

And boop.

Oh, I know.

Good girl, you're so thirsty, I know,

we saw so many cute dogs today,

and we also saw a lot of really cool gear.

I like that one guy's Czechoslovakian yellow bag,

that was pretty cool.

Oh, come on, dude, seriously?

No, hey, no, no, no!

Sir, sir! Excuse me.

You didn't pick up after your dog, come on, man.

Sorry, I didn't realize he pooped.

Where? Right where you left it, come on.

Yeah, all right, all right. Yeah, okay.

Unbelievable-- that drives me... nuts.

Yeah, there it is, thank you.

Are you (bleep) kidding me? Are you (bleep)?

You know what, I'm not gonna do it.

Rain, I'm not gonna do it, I'm walking away.

I'm walking away because if I go confront that guy

I'm gonna lose my temper,

I'm gonna look like the crazy person,

so I'm not gonna do it, okay?

I said something,

that's better than not saying something, right?

Right, Rain?

I tried, I said something.

Right? I know, I said something, I know.

(man shouting) Hey!

Could've been nicer about that!

Okay, guys, how are we gonna get this guy, right?

We gotta nail this guy, we gotta stick it to him!

Honey, the guy obviously doesn't care

and he probably won't change his mind.

Maybe you just need to...

let it go.

Uh, we are Glasers, and Glasers don't let things go.

That is the Glaser way, remember?

What if we did a hidden camera show

where we caught people who didn't pick up their dog poop?

We can call it "(Bleep) Shamers".

Yeah, not bad.

(Gear-i) Jon, what if you let the poop dry out and harden

and then use it as a club and beat him with it?

Yeah, I mean, I like the idea of that.

I'd love to do that to this guy,

but I think we gotta think of something

a little more subtle, okay?

Let's come up with subtle ideas.

I got it!

I headed over to Eagle Street Rooftop Farm in Brooklyn

and met with co-founder Annie Novak

to get her advice about my plan.

I'm going to grow tomatoes... Uh-huh.

I'm gonna use his dog (bleep) to be the fertilizer,

present the tomatoes to my neighbor and say,

"Hey, you know, I'm sorry that I yelled at you

several months ago," or however long ago it takes

to grow tomatoes, you know what I'm saying?

Hmm. And he'll say, "Oh, you're a cool guy,

thanks for doing that," and he'll take a bite

and I'll be like, "In your face, dude!

You're eating your dog (bleep)!"

Got it. Sweet plan, right?

Yeah, kind of.

I mean, where did you read that it was okay to use dog manure

to fertilize vegetables?

I didn't read it anywhere.

Poo is poo, am I right?

There's a category of animals where it's okay

and there's a category of animals

where you're gonna get a lot of bacteria and pathogens

you don't want to mess with. Oh, even better.

Plus, super salty. Even better.

These are bad for the guy, even better.

Okay. If he's potentially going to ingest, like,

some disgusting bacteria or whatever...

Hmm, yeah. I don't want him to die.

Right. But I would like him to suffer.

Yeah, yeah, that might work.

(Jon) With my plan in place,

it was time to check out some sweet gardening gear.

This is, uh, that's a regular, standard hoe,

this is a scuffle hoe.

So if you're, if you're trying to weed,

you just-- you lightly flip your wrist,

and this is a knife blade, and it chops the weed.

This'll be good if you put your banjo music on, right?

Exactly, exactly. (imitating banjo)

(banjo playing)

That's a-- that's a flat rake.

No I gotta say, I love this long handle.

It's pretty cool. Ooh.

You can kind of pick your poison.

This is a harvest knife. Whoa.

You can either... (whooshing)

Hopefully in a leather holster,

not in your actual pocket. (whooshing)

Yeah, I for sure want some of these

because when I grow the tomatoes, right?

Yeah.

You gotta prune 'em, yeah. Right?

All right, Annie, well, I think that about covers it all.

Thank you very much. A pleasure.

See you on the other side.

Oh, I know.

(Jon) After my consultation at Eagle Street Rooftop Farm,

I started my own home garden, and 94 days later

my revenge tomatoes were ready.

Oh, I know, I know.

Yeah, we're about to teach this ass(bleep) a lesson.

(barking) Yeah, I know, right?

Hey, what do you think about my gardening outfit?

It's pretty nice, right?

I know, I got these really cool overalls

and I got these cool boots,

and these really super cool pruning shears, I know.

And look at this, I know, it's a really nice cooling bandana.

You put it in water and put it in the fridge and get it cold

and then it goes around your neck

and it keeps you so comfortable when it's hot.

(barks) I know, it's so cool, I know.

Jon, why do you always say "I know" to dogs?

I don't know. (Rain barks)

Right?

I know, I don't know.

I know, I don't know, I know.

Why don't you ever tell me "I know"?

I don't know, Gear-i, what's the big deal?

It's not a big deal, I'm just curious.

Okay, well, if it's not a big deal, then just drop it.

I'm trying to focus on the tomatoes.

Tell me "I know," Jon.

Shut up, Gear-i.

I'll shut up when you tell me "I know".

Well, I'm not going to tell you "I know," so shut up.

How hard is it to just say "I know"?

Gear-i-- you're comparing yourself to a dog.

Is that what you think you are? No.

'Cause if you do, I'll treat you like one.

Here!

Here's some treats!

There, you're a dog. You happy?

Eat your treats! Oh, you can't eat them?

I know, you can't eat them because you're not a dog.

Now shut up.

Jesus, Jon. Now let's go get revenge.

With a basket of finely cultivated tomatoes,

I was ready to unleash my plan

and turn this poo-frown upside "brown".

(whispering) You guys ready?

Let's do this.

(doorbell chiming)

Here he comes.

Hi, um...

I don't know if you remember me.

I confronted you on the street right across the way there

about a few months ago about not pickin' up your dog's poop.

Yeah, yeah, I remember you.

What's with all the cameras?

Uh, I am making a documentary, uh,

it's about myself, I'm dealing with a lot of anger issues,

and I'm trying to become a better person

and I'm apologizing to all the people that I've hurt,

presenting you with a basket of tomatoes

as a gesture of goodwill and a gesture of apology

and as a way to say I'm sorry.

Yeah, okay, sure.

You know, you were kind of a dick about the whole thing

so I appreciate the apology and, you know,

good luck on bettering yourself or whatever it is you're doing.

Actually, wait, wait, if you don't mind maybe

just doing-- taking a bite of the tomato

just so we can capture it on camera,

just so we get that moment and we can, you know,

we'll shake hands after and...

Just to have it for the film, for the documentary.

It'll be a really nice scene.

I'm not sure if you've seen a lot of documentaries.

It'll just be, it'll just be-- Yeah, yeah, sure, sure.

I'll do it, why not? Great.

Is there a camera where you want to play it to?

Does it matter?

Just like this? Yeah, and a big, juicy,

a big, juicy bite... All right.

for the emotion of the apology.

Okay, all right, here we go. Okay.

You ready? Yep.

Yeah, dude!

In your (bleep) face, ass(bleep)!

That's what you get for not picking up your dog (bleep)!

What are you talking about?

You didn't pick up your dog (bleep), right?

Guess who did?

Me! I took that dog (bleep) home and I started a garden.

I used the dog (bleep) as fertilizer for the garden,

so I grew these tomatoes with your dog (bleep).

Your dog (bleep) is in your stomach now.

How's it taste, dick?

What the hell are you talking about?

I'm talking about you just ate your dog's (bleep).

That's what I'm talking about!

Dude, you're totally burned, dude.

Let's get this guy some Neosporin.

We got any Neosporin, guys?

If we don't, find a deli,

'cause this guy is covered in burns right now.

Yeah, whatever, man. Fertilizer's fertilizer.

Mmm!

Delicious!

You should sell these.

You were great on "Girls," by the way.

(Jon) My revenge may not have gone on as planned,

but I realized I was on to something

with these delicious tomatoes,

so I designed an app called "Poo-Dar".

The way it works is anytime you see

some (bleep)-ing D-bag A-hole

not picking up his dog (bleep),

you simply enter the location,

and once I receive coordinates, I'm on my way.

Then I come pick it up using G.Poo.S. technology...

collecting it with custom-made

"Jon Glaser Loves Gear" poop bags.

So whether it's a small corner of your neighborhood,

or right in the middle of the big city,

every poop is safely secured and transported back to my garden

where I add it to my fertilizer

and continue the cycle

of growing my delicious dog (bleep) tomatoes

that you, the public, now get to enjoy.

With produce it's all about the presentation.

Got it.

Would you like to try one? Oh, no, that's okay.

Can you tell me a little bit about your tomato sign?

I mean, I'll show you, they're really delicious.

(pretend gagging)

See?

Mmm, so good.

Very similar to farm to table,

this is called ass to mouth.

There's a lot that happens in between,

but when you boil it down to its essence,

that's basically what's going on.

Ass to mouth, all right. Yeah.

Some people, this-- you have to understand,

you're dealing with-- shredding, dude!

I've got an app that you can download on your phone.

If you ever see someone

that doesn't pick up their dog (bleep),

you enter the app, punch in the coordinates,

I will then go and collect that (bleep),

I'm doing it all over the city.

It's one of those moments where you realize,

this is what I was put on earth to do.

Will you put some more toothpicks in all the samples?

All right.

Oh, my God, there's my family.

You guys! Leslie, kids!

Hey. Hi!

Hi.

Are you guys comin' to visit?

No. No.

What are you guys doing here?

We're not "here," we're going to camp, remember?

Oh, right, have fun at camp!

Yeah. I was up-- I gave both you kisses before I left.

Nathan, you remember Charlie? He's playing you in the show.

Yeah, we're good, okay.

Hey, what are we doing for dinner tonight?

Will you make linguini?

Just le-- less lemon this time.

And let's do a dark beer.

Would you pick some up for me?

I'm going to be busy until I get home.

Bye, you guys! I love you!

Not you on the bike-- my kids, but you're cute!

Sorry, sweetie, just--

(phone vibrates) Wait, hold on one second.

Got another call.

(Gear-i) New poo reported--

the corner of Prospect Park West and 11th Avenue.

All right, Gear-i, not a moment to lose.

Jon, can we talk about when you threw the dog food at me?

Maybe later, Gear-i.

Let's go!

I was feeling really good about turning a negative

into such a giant positive for the community.

By keeping our streets clean,

while also delivering a quality product,

I was really making a difference,

becoming a true neighborhood hero, and--

what the (bleep)?

*

All right, Andy, thank you for helping with this project.

I want to prank this guy hard and fill him with shame, okay?

What I wanna do is set a fake dog poop on his property,

right on his porch,

and when he comes out to get it and he goes to grab it,

it starts moving around and just, like,

messes with his head.

So, how can we accomplish this?

So far, I've done this.

Oh, so, this is, this is a giant poo?

That's a big poo.

And it's an albino poo?

That will, uh, eventually look like this,

which is, you know, getting there.

All right, so this is where the...

the GoPro? The burn cam.

I don't have, like, a brown--

did you guys just prank me with a brown ring

around my eye right now?

Yeah, look at that.

You catch him in the act.

Get some cool shots, right?

*

The great thing about this car, though,

it can be controlled by Gear-i.

So that's where the remote control is.

Exactly.

Gear-i, you psyched to be part of the plan?

I'd like to talk about when you threw dog foo--

(beep) Great, uh, all right, Andy,

I am pumped to get back at this ass(bleep).

Thank you very much.

Let's do this.

*

Let's do this.

(whispering) Go! (doorbell chiming)

Hey, that looks like the mask from "Delocated".

Does this mean you're doing more episodes?

Sounds cool.

They'd be stupid not to do that.

(chuckling) Oh, he saw.

Jon, I'd really love to talk about

when you threw the dog food at me.

(whispering) Shut up, Gear-i.

(man mumbling)

Jesus!

(laughing)

What the (bleep)? Go get it, ass(bleep)

Get it-- reach for it, reach for it,

reach for it, reach for it, yeah.

Reach for it.

(laughing)

Hey, ass(bleep).

Pick up your dog (bleep) next time!

It's me! It's me!

Come on, Rain.

(Rain whimpering)

Rain?

Rain? Are you okay?

Are you okay, Rain?

We're dealing with someone

that does not pick up his dog's poop,

so already you know you're dealing with a guy

that doesn't care...

about the community, about other people,

and I confronted him once and he just didn't care,

so that's when I put that revenge plan into place

where I picked up his dog's poop that he didn't want to pick up

and I used it to fertilize these tomatoes

that took me months to grow to get perfect...

I went to his place and I apologized to him

for screaming at him about not picking up his dog poop.

I overreacted, blah-blah-blah...

He was like, "All right, thank you,"

and he took the tomato and took a bite.

...did not get the response I thought I would get.

I was hoping he'd be all...

...great product here.

These dog (bleep) tomatoes.

Guy, again, still not picking up his dog (bleep).

It had steam, it had steam coming out of it.

...chasing us with a baseball bat.

And we were so scared for our lives

and when we were running away, that's when Rain got hurt.

So, I mean, what are we...

What's she dealing with here?

It looks like the working diagnosis

is a mild to moderate, uh, possible disc herniation.

Now, sometimes these things...

(Jon) I couldn't believe my ears.

I was seething with rage.

If Rain wasn't able to walk again, so help me god,

I vowed to myself right then and there

that I would do anything I can to murder

that scumbag piece of--

So we can put her in a cart. Mm-hmm, yeah.

Get something kind of cool-looking...

I don't know how cool it will look,

but you know, we're really dealing with the...

Oh, it's going to look cool.

It's gear-- and gear looks cool.

Now, don't get me wrong, I wasn't happy

that Rain was hurt, but at least there'd be gear involved.

All right, doc, you can, uh, you can stop talking,

you made your point.

You pulled a Jerry McGuire and had me--

Well, make her look cool, I know,

you're gonna look so cool.

You're gonna look so cool.

We're gonna turn these lemons into gear-monade.

Oh, I know.

(Jon) Rain and I headed over

to Water 4 Dogs so she could start

her first round of physical therapy.

Good girl, that's okay.

Oh, I know, I know, it's okay.

Hi. Hi, how are you?

Good, how are you? Good.

This is Rain? This is Rain.

Hi, baby.

So, I know that you're coming today because she has

suffered an injury recently, she broke her back.

Yes. Can you tell me a little bit about that?

Rain is, I think, doing okay, um...

She was unfortunately injured, um,

I don't think it's hyperbole to say

that it was an act of terrorism.

We were 100% innocent...

Mm-hmm. ...of any wrongdoing and this guy, just for no reason,

attacked us.

So in our escape, trying to save our lives,

she hurt her back. I'm sorry to hear that.

So... me too, me too.

Well, let's go ahead and get her started.

I'd like to get her on the underwater treadmill...

Awesome ...and see how she does.

We'll take it slow and we'll go from there, okay?

I think that sounds great. Are you ready?

I know, it's gonna be so fun to get better, I know.

Knowing we were in good hands with Jennifer,

it was time to start a little hydrotherapy.

It's okay, good girl. Good girl.

Good girl, Rain, good girl.

She's doing great.

(sighing)

We will show you how to do passive techniques, like,

passive range of motion and stretching...

(softly) Okay.

Are you okay? I'm okay.

Don't worry, she's doing great

and she's going to be fine, okay?

I don't know if I'm going to be fine.

Just as Rain and I were both

starting to feel a little better about everything,

it was time to say good-bye.

Good-bye, Rain.

See ya next month.

So, yeah, I mean, this guy just refuses

to pick up his dog poop and I'm like, "Hey," very politely,

"Come on, man, you should pick that up."

He snaps, goes into a rage, runs in his house,

gets a baseball bat, attacks me and Rain,

and that's when Rain hurt her back.

I'll (bleep) kill this guy.

With your military training

there's no doubt in my mind you could.

Oh, by the way, that's his house.

Is that crazy?

Oh, you know what?

Oh, what do you know, here he comes now.

Funny timing.

Anyway, here's the cart, you should be all good-- whoa, man!

You can do a lot of damage with this thing, right?

Oh, yeah, you can hurt someone with that.

Anyway, there you go.

I'll see you next month, man.

Be good.

Bye, Rain!

*

What's up?

(loud thud, beep)

(Jon) Here, you wanna go work on that plant over there?

That one? Yeah.

Uh... Have fun.

Thanks.

How's the watering going, sweetie?

Good.

You know, the more water these plants get,

they're gonna grow big and strong

with some of the sunlight as well,

and they're gonna turn into these big, beautiful,

plump, delicious red tomatoes,

and when they're ready we take them to the market

and then we sell them to people.

Jon?

Hey, sweetie, what's up?

Have you seen the news?

No, what?

Wow, that's, uh, that's horrible.

Daddy, that's the man you were angry with?

That's right, honey, I know, it is, yeah, how sad for him.

How terrible, that is so sad.

How sad for that man, I know.

Kids... do you want to come inside?

Okay, mom.

Yeah, you go inside with mommy, I know,

that sounds like a fun idea,

and daddy can work out here by himself

and think about that poor, sad man who died, I know.

How terrible for that poor man

who opened his big mouth, I know...

Jon?

Yeah.

You need help.

For the garden? I know.

Yeah, I could use a couple of guys to help here, I know.

Couple people to help get the tomatoes, I know.

We could take 'em and keep selling 'em, I know.

That'd be so nice.

And then I'd have some people to talk to about

the poor, sad man who died, I know.

You deserve what you get that's coming to you,

even if it's something extreme or bad, I know.

Some people are just ass(bleep)

when they decide to be so stubborn

and then look what happens.

That's just how life goes sometimes.

You make certain choices, I know.

And then you have to sometimes suffer the consequences

of those choices,

and sometimes the consequences means dying, I know,

or getting beaten to death, oh, I know, I know.