Original subtitles

Today on "Jon Glaser Loves Gear"...

Hockey!

Gear!

*

Gear!

(Jon) Hockey, one of my favorite sports.

(crowd cheering)

I love the ritual of puttin' on the pads

with the guys in the locker room.

Hallsy.

Weiser.

Skeets.

Pilzy.

Ding Dong.

And of course, I love all that sweet, sweet gear.

That is awesome, man.

That's a hot combo-- I like the dark green

and the yellow skate guard's pretty sweet.

I had this idea where I wanted to do a clear cup,

and then I would cut this section of my hockey pants out,

and you'd see my dick and balls in there,

and it'd be all foggy, you know,

you'd catch a glimpse every now and then,

and then if it pressed against the glass,

and I kind of thought that might give me an edge on the ice.

You know, because of my sweaty dick.

"Hockey, skate hard," on the count of three.

One, two, three.

(all) Hockey skate hard!

(Jon) After gearing up, it's time to hit the ice.

I love all the grace, speed, skill and physicality of hockey.

(buzzer)

Unfortunately, I don't have much of that grace, speed or skill,

because I didn't learn how to skate

until I was in my late 30's.

I wish I was a little better at hockey.

But that hasn't stopped me from loving the game

and loving all the sweet gear,

including putting a GoPro on a puck for those cool shots!

This is Martin...

my amazing Czech hockey player friend

who taught me how to skate.

(buzzer)

I called him down to the rink because there was something

I really needed to ask him.

Let me ask you this-- this is why I wanted to talk to you.

Given that I never learned to skate

until I was in my late 30's...

Yeah. Right?

I feel like I got up to speed pretty quickly

on just general basic skating, right?

Uh... you were learning it fast, there was--

we were making progress, yeah.

Okay. Yeah.

Now, given that, do you think if I had taken up the game at,

let's say, five or six or seven years old

and started learning to skate at that age...

Yeah. ...and became passionate about the sport

and just really kept at it, and that became

the number one sport and that's my main focus in life...

All right. ...could I have gone pro?

Well, uh...

And I'm talking about maybe the worst,

lowest level professional hockey player in the world.

I, I get that, but however, I think that a pro is...

I'm not sure if you'd come out pro.

Okay, fair enough.

Now, how about good enough to play college level hockey?

Like top-tier, Division One?

Practicing since...

Five. ...you were a little child.

Maybe... Maybe, so maybe, so maybe.

It's very possible. It's, it's possible.

That's all, that's all I needed to hear.

That's all I needed to hear, but also...

(groaning)

Now I have to confront my mommy.

Your mommy-- you call your mom "mommy".

Uh, I call my mommy mommy, yes.

Well, what do you call your mommy?

Mom.

You say tomato, I say mommy, I mean...

How do you say "mommy" in Czech?

Mamka. Mamka is mommy.

Mamka is mom.

Well, I didn't ask you how to say "mom".

I asked you how to say "mommy".

(Jon) Martin confirmed what I had suspected for years--

that my mommy ruined my life,

and now it was time to deal with it.

It was basically when I was about five or six,

or possibly seven, that my mommy reluctantly agreed

to give me skating lessons and I say "reluctantly"

because she did not want me to play hockey

because she thought it was too violent.

All right, I did not reluctantly take you to your lessons,

and honey, let's be clear on something--

if I really didn't want you to play hockey...

Please, let's be clear, mommy, let's be clear.

...you never would've made it there, not even once.

Okay, okay. Okay?

I would never have taken you

if I really didn't want you to play.

And I have one more question.

Do you really have to be sitting here

in all this hockey equipment? Yeah.

Isn't this a little obnoxious?

How is it obnoxious?

This is an emergency session that was called here,

so yes, I...

You couldn't have unhooked your helmet

in the elevator coming up?

Well, I guess I could have, but I didn't.

Okay. Does it really matter?

You could've taken off your skates.

I mean, hockey skates are very difficult to take on and off.

I think it'd be best if we just tried to stay on-point, please.

Fine. I would like to suggest a dramatization

of the moment that my mommy robbed me of learning to skate.

Oh! I think it would provide

a lot of clarity, the visuals would help the moment,

it'll take me about a week to produce it

if everyone's cool with it.

No, it's not, really, but...

Fine. (mommy) All right.

(Jon) Great. Thank you very much.

(Jon) It was the early '70s.

(mommy) I'm sorry, what the hell does this have to do with hockey?

(Jon) It's called setting the emotional tone, mommy.

This whole experience was basically my Vietnam.

Now be quiet and watch.

Cool Zamboni shot, right?

It's stock footage, but, uh, whatever, it still looks good.

Anyway, so there I was, at the lesson, trying my best,

my mommy clearly not wanting me to be there,

when all of a sudden, I lost my balance,

started to fall, and smashed my head on the ice.

I was wearing a helmet, but it still freaked me out.

(groaning and sobbing)

And because my mommy didn't want me to play hockey,

she didn't exactly encourage me to get back out there

and try again.

Come on, it is time to go.

Shouldn't I try again? No.

No, it's time to go.

(Jon) When you fall, you get back up and try again,

but she was like, "No, hockey's not your thing.

We'll find something else, let's go."

(sobbing loudly)

I trusted my mommy.

I was just a little boy,

my mommy took advantage of that trust,

the trust a boy has for his mommy!

(sobbing)

Now, I would also like to point out that I learned

how to Dorf skate for that dramatization,

and that is very hard to do.

Yeah, I'm gonna call bullshit on that entire dramatization.

That is not how things went down at all.

Please! Come--

I would like to have my own dramatization,

and I'd like to clarify a few matters like casting.

This was the mid-'70s.

I was hot, I was young, I was tight.

A lot of people were after me.

Fine! We'll meet back here in a week.

(Jon) Oh, my God, seriously, mommy?

That's who you cast as you?

(mommy) Shut up-- this is my dramatization.

So, I'm in the stands, Jon is on the ice.

I'm cheering him on, being supportive, like I always was,

when he lost his balance and hit his knee, okay?

Not his head, he hit his knee.

He didn't go down hard, but he started screaming, crying,

going on and on and on.

He even wet the ice.

(Jon) I didn't wet the ice!

What are you talking about?

(mommy) Anyway, I knew it scared him more than anything,

so I rushed down to the ice, I told him it was all right,

encouraged him to get back out there.

"Do you want to do another one for mommy?"

But there was no getting him back on the ice.

And that's how that went down.

(scoffs) Including later on that night at home,

when you said you didn't wanna play hockey.

I never said I didn't wanna play hockey-- what?

Regardless.

You eventually ended up playing baseball.

And Jon, say that you did try hockey as a kid,

and say you were good enough

to play college or even pro, huh?

Jon, you never would've gotten into comedy and acting,

and you wouldn't have your "Gear" show here.

We wouldn't be sitting here right now!

More importantly, honey,

you would've never met your wife when you did.

She wouldn't have gotten pregnant when she did.

You don't have your son or daughter when you do.

Is that what you want, huh?

You have a wonderful life!

Oh, Jon, I can't believe I flew in from Michigan for this.

And then have to stay two extra weeks

for these stupid dramatizations.

Oh, Jon, I'm sorry.

(door shuts)

(clearing throat) So, time's up,

and for our next session, why don't we start

with why you still call your mother mommy.

(Jon) I decided to take my son for skating lessons,

and to make sure that I did a better job than my mommy,

I met up with Ryan Smyth, an airbrush artist

who's painted some pretty sweet helmets to help me design

a kick-ass helmet for my son.

I'd love to do some sort of overall, like,

daytime lightning storm motif.

Perfect.

Now, on one side I'd like some kind of father-son motif,

like a father and son, classic image,

playing catch with a baseball.

No hockey sticks, no kind of...?

I don't think so.

On the other side, some kind of monster truck,

or maybe like a, like a hot lady on a hot rod,

you know, just like...

Right? Just like a sexy lady in a bikini

up on the hood of a car, you know, like "mmm!"

Like, sticking her tits out, right?

Holding her breasts like...

you know, and that could be the look on her face, like...

How old is he? He's ten.

Uh...

(Geary) What about some chicken nuggets?

Yeah, chicken nuggets is my son's favorite food.

Good call, Geary.

Geary is an app on my phone, gives a lot of good suggestions.

Oh, nice.

Hey, Ryan, will you give me a tattoo

of a sexy nugget with big tits?

(Jon) All right, man,

do you think you could help me help my son?

Yeah, we can definitely do something really cool

with all those elements and he'll be pumped.

Let's do it for my son!

Hey, it's the scaredy cats!

Hey!

I'm just jokin' around.

Hi, guys!

I'm Nathan's dad.

No need to be alarmed, I'm really fun and nice.

I'm sure Nate's talked about me all the time.

I do comedy stuff on TV, uh, "Parks and Rec" and "Girls"

and, uh, trying to think of stuff you guys might've seen--

maybe "Trainwreck," but you're probably

not old enough for that.

Maybe, um, "Pootie Tang"-- anyway, hey, I'm Nate's dad.

I don't know if we've met, maybe at a drop-off or something?

Sure...

I'm gonna grab Nate for, like, two minutes,

and we'll be right back, okay?

Hey, Nate, let's go talk for a sec, I gotta show you something.

What are you guys workin' on?

Oh, lanyards, I did that when I was a kid, made some cool ones.

Anyway, great colors, guys, really good.

Okay, uh...

Why don't we actually put our lanyards down?

It's okay.

As you guys can see, Alison's rocking,

totally natural response.

I rock a lot... at home...

when I'm stressed out.

Um, I want you guys to think back to a time

before that happened.

Dad, what are you doing here?

Uh, I need you to learn how to skate and play hockey.

Dad, we've talked about this many times.

I don't wanna play hockey.

I know that's not true.

You and I played hockey on the stoop so many times

and you loved it. Dad, I was five!

You need to fill a void in my life, okay?

I need you to have the youth hockey experience I never had.

(door opens)

Hey, everything okay out here?

Nathan, everything okay, buddy?

It's, it's fine.

Can I go back to my friends now?

(Joshua) Of course you can, Nathan.

Listen, we support and respect

and acknowledge anything you want to do,

so we invite you to come back in.

No, I'm actually pulling him from camp...

What? ...because you don't offer hockey here,

and he just told me that he hates his counselor.

What are you talking about?

I did not! Yeah, you did.

(Joshua) Hey, Nathan.

I know you didn't say that about me.

(door shuts) (scoffs)

What's that guy's deal? What's with the look?

Total jerk, right? No, he's not.

No, he's a jerk.

All right, check this out.

This is for you, made custom for you-- boom.

Custom made goalie helmet.

Check this out.

On this side, father-son motif, playing catch under this, like,

crazy, like, daytime lightning storm going on.

Your favorite food-- chicken nuggets!

Ohh...!

Right?

Over on this side, monster truck.

You like monster trucks, right?

I'm scared of monsters, dad.

On the top we got the megaphone from my show,

and it's going Gear...

Super cool, right?

We were gonna put my credits on the back,

but this is about you.

Go ahead, put it on.

Best part-- we won't have to blur your whole face now.

Oh, yeah, that is so cool, man!

Oh, I should've had one made for me.

On the count of three we're gonna say "hockey"

and then point with a lot of attitude-- ready?

(whispering) One, two, three...

Hockey! Boo!

No.

Hockey!

Let's hit the hockey store.

Dad, I don't want to! No, you're gonna love it.

Hockey's awesome.

(whistle blowing)

I took my son to Pure Hockey up in New Rochelle, New York,

to gear up for his first skating lesson.

Gear!

(Jon) This is my son, Nathan.

(man) Nathan, nice to meet you, man.

What do we got? Goalie?

Uh, no, actually, I mean, it's a sweet helmet,

but he has never skated.

He's gonna learn to skate so he could play hockey.

He's really excited about it.

Um, you know, my mommy didn't give me proper skating lessons,

I was robbed of that experience as a kid,

and so it's kind of messed up my life from there,

so I'm trying to be a really great dad to him

and encourage him to get out there and try hockey,

so we're looking to gear him up

to learn how to skate and play hockey.

All right, we can do that.

You psyched?

Not really.

He's pumped, don't worry about it.

Okay. He's a little nervous, but he's pumped.

I'll take your word. Yeah.

(crowd chanting)

(Jon) What's the most expensive stick you have?

Right here.

Who's Crow's Bye?

Crosby.

This is cool, I like blue.

You sure you don't like the red?

This is pretty sweet.

That is your favorite color, not mine.

Ohh...!

These are bargain bin, right?

Yeah. Don't even bother with those, son.

Over here, what's your color?

(Nate) I like the plain old black.

What about the red? Red's pretty sweet.

No, dad.

(Jon) Do you have more of a fire engine red

so it matches the nugget box?

Could we go? Uh, not yet.

Yeah...!

Entry level skates are these guys over here.

Let's not even bother going down there.

That's what we want, right there.

Nice!

Let's try some shoulder pads on you.

Knock-knock, who's there?

Future hockey player, that's who.

Oh, sweet!

Give me your point, real tough.

No, no, like, straight, straight on, just...

Lot of attitude, and hold it, and hold it,

just do like a...

And then give me like a, like a cool face.

Mommy? No, that's not true.

Oh, I'm teaching him valuable life lessons.

And I'm encouraging him to follow his passions,

something that you did not do for me when I was a child.

It might seem like I'm forcing him

to do something he doesn't want to do,

but every time he says,

"Daddy, I don't want to play hockey..."

Is everything okay, man?

Yeah, I-- yeah, I guess.

Are you in any, like, trouble or anything?

No, my dad's just making me live his dream.

Well, I get a lot of dads like that in here.

So, I wouldn't worry too much about it.

Any worse than my dad?

(Jon) So listen, mommy...

No.

All right, good news.

Grandma's going to be at the lesson,

she's psyched to watch you skate.

Oh, man, nice!

You pumped?

That's a pretty sweet lookin' skate.

Uh, sure, dad, if you say so.

That's a good skate, right? Yes, sir.

Most expensive one? It is.

Oh, I'm so pumped.

If they had skates like this when I was a kid, oh, my God.

You could be a pro hockey player.

You could be...

Some day kids are gonna come in here

and they're gonna see your name on a stick,

they're gonna see your name on a skate,

and then we'll come back and Dave will be old, right?

And we'll be like, "Dave, you remember Nate?"

And he'll be like, "Who?"

Because you'll probably have dementia.

And we'll be like, "Dave, it's us, Nate and Jon.

You remember us so many years ago?"

(moaning) Who?

And we'll be like, "Oh, Dave, oh, God." Dad, just stop.

"Poor Dave."

I'm sorry.

Dave, I'm so sorry that you're gonna have dementia

when you get older.

I'm so sorry. (Nate sighing)

Let's savor this moment even though he won't remember it.

Right? Whoo!

Hockey!

*

(Jon) With my son all geared up,

it was time to hit the ice and learn how to skate.

(singing) * Here comes my son

* All dressed in hockey gear *

You guys remember that song?

I put some extra lyrics to it.

It's funny, right?

Hi, mommy.

Welcome to an afternoon that I would like to call

"How to be a great, supportive parent."

I'm glad you can join and observe.

Maybe you'll learn something today.

What's up, guys?

Nathan, this is Martin.

He's going to be your instructor.

He taught me how to skate, so how cool is that?

I wish he was around when I was a kid.

And I also want you to meet a very special guest.

This is Ron Duguay.

He's a former NHL player.

Played for the Wings.

And the Rangers, the New York Rangers.

He played for the Rangers and some other teams,

but he played for the Wings.

How cool is that?

Okay, but I played for the Rangers.

And also the Wings.

Yeah, he played for the Wings

and he's gonna watch every move you make.

You're gonna have an NHL former player watching,

how cool is that?

Yeah. How cool is that, all right?

All right. All right, you excited to get out there on the ice?

Let's do it. All right.

Go for it, Nate.

Go learn to skate!

Dad, I don't want to.

Nathan, if you don't learn how to skate and play hockey,

trust me when I tell you that you will take it to your grave.

Your (bleep) grave.

(softly) Hi, mommy.

You okay?

Not really.

I don't think we should force him to skate

if he's not up for it.

I'm sorry, man, I'm, I'm out of here.

I'm out of here. What?

Listen, son, your dad's a little bit of a dick.

Do what you have to do, all right?

I gotta go because this is not what I signed up for.

(Jon) Yeah, fine, go ahead and leave!

Yeah, go ahead, you know, if I played hockey when I was young,

I would've been in the NHL and scored more goals than you, man!

(phone ringing)

Hey, babe, what's up?

I got a very panicked phone call from camp

that you showed up and kidnapped Nathan?

I had to assure them that you're just an asshole.

Cool, hon, thanks, all right, bye.

Thanks for dealing. Where are you--

Oh, that was mom, she's so excited about the lesson.

All right, you ready to get on the ice?

I don't really want to.

It's okay, just go really slow, take your time.

I know a couple of things Martin taught me

that I can teach you, okay?

Keep your knees bent and take your time

and go right to the middle of the ice

and I'm gonna get a really great picture to document the moment.

(Geary) This doesn't feel right, Jon.

Not now, Geary.

Yeah, how's it feel?

Pretty awesome, right? No!

Go right to the middle of the ice.

(mommy) All right, Jon, Jon...

Right to the middle of the ice.

Don't go out to the middle, Jon, he's not--

Mommy, no. He can't handle...

Mommy, this is not your moment, mommy.

He's gonna get hurt. You had your moment with me

and now that moment's gone.

But he's not you, Jon. This is my moment with my son.

(both talking at once)

Dad! Dad!

I appreciate the helmet and the hockey gear.

I really do.

But I really, truly don't want to play hockey.

Nate, come on, you know you don't mean that.

That's just the nuggets talking.

Dad!

What I really want to do is get better at playing my ukulele.

(ukulele playing)

I should be at the camp talent show right now,

playing a song in front of the entire camp.

If I had done well, it would've been on my terms.

Maybe my confidence grows after the talent show,

and maybe I become a musician and write a song

that inspires millions of people,

or it inspires one person,

which counts just as much, if not more.

That doesn't matter now,

because the talent show's over.

Who knows what my life's going to be like after today?

(mommy) Come on.

Grandma will take you home.

Here.

Ohh...!

(Geary) Jon, you're going to take this moment to your grave.

(light levers slamming down)

Your (bleep) grave.

(Jon) Shut up, Geary.

I just started to realize that my own behavior,

it was just like my mommy's behavior,

and that everything I was doing was my mommy's fault.

Yeah, I don't... (clearing throat)

think that's the takeaway here, Jon.

Oh, well, I mean, we've made such good progress in here

and I feel like the more sessions we do,

it'll allow me to figure out why my mommy just really--

Okay, you know what?

I think we're good, Jon.

What?

Yeah, you've obviously made a huge breakthrough

and you're totally cured.

I'm totally cu-- I'm totally cured?

Come here, give me your hand, give me your hand.

I'm going to show you something.

I only do this for people who are totally cured,

and I have never done this to anyone before.

Totally cured? Totally cured.

Whoa! Whoa!

Seriously? Seriously.

Oh, my God! Yes!

So, we're-- now what?

You get to go and live your life

knowing you're totally cured.

And you get free guacamole at any Mexican restaurant

in the world, forever.

What? Yes!

Is that only for totally cured people?

(softly) That's right.

Oh, yeah!

Totally cured, free guac!

Ohh...!

Comin' for you, Carlos!

Whoo!

Ohh!

Oh, yeah!

Oh, yeah! Totally cured.

Guac!

(Jon) Having conquered all my mommy issues,

it was time to literally enjoy the fruits of my labor

in becoming totally cured.

Hey, how are you?

Good, and you?

Uh, I am here for the free guacamole.

What are you talking about?

Uh, totally cured, free guac, right?

I don't know, let me ask my boss.

I don't know. Sure, yeah.

Get the boss man for that guac.

Boss!

Get the boss man to sign off. There's somebody here...

Come.

What's up, dude?

What's with all this?

I'm here for the free guac.

Um, we have guac, but you have to pay for it.

But I'm totally cured.

You don't see that?

I, I see that, um, but I don't know what that means.

Come on, dude, right?

I, I've no idea what that means.

All right, I guess, uh, no sweat off my totally cured dick.

You might want to get with the program, man.

When a totally cured person comes in,

you give 'em free guac, that's kind of how it works.

Let's go find a place that knows what's up.

Let's do this, guys, let's go get that free guac!

All right!

Let's find that guac! Whoo.