Original subtitles

Today on "Jon Glaser Loves Gear"...

Cycling!

Bye, old bike!

Gear!

*

Gear!

Well, now that I don't have a bike anymore, uh,

I can't really think of a better way

to do a cycling episode than by going and getting

a brand-new bike.

Uh, Geary... (phone dings)

What are the top bike stores in New York City?

(Geary) For an occasion as big as getting a new bike,

might I suggest getting a custom made frame?

That's a very good idea, Geary, call of the day.

And while you're at it,

why don't you get one made for your wife as a token of apology

for you shoving cameras in her face

and being so intolerably annoying to deal with?

I show up with two custom bikes, his and hers, I'm the hero.

Great idea, Jon.

I'm sure she'll love it.

Let's do this!

*

(Jon) I headed over to Horse Cycles

in Brooklyn to get measured for a custom frame.

Tom. Hey.

Jon Glaser.

Nice to meet ya. Nice to meet you.

I'm very excited to have a custom bike made.

And I'm gonna do one for me and one for my wife.

Great. We're gonna do a sort of his and hers custom bikes,

and the reason I'm doing it for my wife is because

she doesn't like being on camera and, you know,

I've got the show, we've got the cameras covering my every move.

Uh-huh, right. There's gonna be moments where

we're gonna see my family. Right.

So, we had to hire this actress to play my wife,

and she's awesome... Yeah.

Here name's Eva, she's from Iceland.

Nice. She's really, I mean, she's gorgeous.

Yeah. She's really stunning.

Nice. And so's my wife, I mean,

my wife is so beautiful. Right.

You know, she's just naturally beautiful,

so I'm trying to make it up to her as a token of apology

with a really tailored to her body bike.

Great.

(Jon) First up, measurements

so the frame can be built

to the exact specifications of my bod.

Getting there?

Make this a little longer if you want to be accurate, right?

(vocalizing motorcycle engine revving)

Now I'm just idling, right?

(vocalizing motorcycle idling) Oh, we're done here.

Give me that.

(Jon) When you have your own show, you get to work on the frame.

Got to use some sweet tools and wear some cool goggles.

Yeah!

Oh, beautiful colors, Tommy.

(whispering) Gorgeous.

(whirring) Oh, this is cool as hell.

My old sidekick really would've liked this.

Yeah. (sighing)

We had a falling out. Okay.

I wish he wasn't such a, such a jerk.

Yeah.

I had to fire him and take him out of the opening credits.

Okay.

*

(Jon) Next up, finalizing the details to personalize my sweet ride.

On this tube I'd like it, I'd like mine to say,

"His and..." Okay.

And then her bike is gonna say, "Hers."

Do-able.

(Jon) Final step-- the paint!

But I can open my eyes now?

Yeah, open 'em, open 'em. (gasping)

(sobbing)

Gear!

Let's do my wife's. Yeah.

Let's do my wife's bike. Awesome, let's do it.

I guess we need to take measurements.

Well, she's not here and she, I mean, she's not gonna come...

Okay. 'cause she doesn't want to be on camera.

Okay, so... So...

Can we just sort of-- we can just guess, right?

No, we kind of need her here.

If you do get her measurements and bring 'em to me,

then we can probably work something out.

If I were to measure her somehow,

you could build a bike. I could build a bike.

No prob.

Hi.

Do you guys sell night vision goggles here?

Yeah, sure.

Here are some units right here.

You can...

check them out.

This is 250,000 lumens.

Yeah.

No-- right, just like this.

There you go.

Keep 'em down like that.

Now, you can't see anything unless I turn them on.

Should I turn them on for a second?

Is it gonna fry my eyes 'cause it's light out?

No, we have the covers on.

Okay. Oh, yeah, that's cool.

Would you recommend these for, uh,

secretly measuring a woman while she sleeps?

And also, you know of any drugs

you might be able to recommend to really knock her out

so she's, like, sleeping soundly and won't wake up

while she's being, uh, secretly examined?

I don't think that's a good idea.

Oh, no, no, it's not, this is not creepy stuff here.

This is me being a great husband.

When people find out what I did to my wife,

they're gonna be like,

"You are the luckiest woman in the world.

"I wish my husband would knock me out

and do to me what he did to you."

Well, good luck with that, that sounds very interesting.

All right? (loud smack)

I'm with you. Yeah, man.

(whispering) Let's do this.

Let's go in there and make my wife a very happy woman.

What?

Who are you?

(shouting)

(Jon) Honey, just relax!

Get away, get away! Honey, relax, relax, sweetie.

Who are you? It's okay, it's me!

It's your husband-- (screaming)

Hold on, it's Jon, it's your husband, it's me.

Honey, it's me, it's me.

Okay, it's me and the guys, we're here.

Oh... my... God.

What are you doing?

I was secretly measuring you for a custom made bike

that I was gonna present to you later as a gift.

What are you talking about?

I don't understand, I don't, like--

What are you wearing? You look ridiculous!

Take another look, I look cool.

Check out these cool night vision goggles.

I gotta close my eyes 'cause the lights are on.

Look at this really super cool tactical shirt I got on.

Boom. Got a couple of pen holders.

Kind of think for this shirt

you probably put knives in there or something,

but I went for a pen and a sharpie and put some licorice

in it in case the measuring went long

and I got hungry for a snack.

And then a couple of GoPros for those cool shots.

*

(Leslie) Get out! I don't wanna see your face again for a very long time!

Hey, you know what, you have a lot of nerve talkin'

to me like that for someone that's having an affair.

Who's Paul?

Paul. Yeah, Paul.

Paul McCartney, uh, I was having an affair with him.

I was married to John Lennon in my dream

and I didn't want John Lennon to find out

that I was having an affair with Paul McCartney.

Are you happy?

Wait a minute-- you were sleeping with Paul McCartney?

It was a dream, you moron!

So it was a dream.

Yes, it was a dream.

Okay, so, fine.

Then I'll still make that custom bike for you.

I don't want the custom bike!

Get out!

(boy) Daddy, what's going on?

(Jon) Hey, buddy.

It's okay.

You know, sometimes mommies and daddies just

argue about, you know, great presents

that daddies wanna give mommies and, you know,

mommies don't want them and so they get in disagreements

about it, but it's okay.

Okay. (Leslie) It's okay.

You look cool, dad.

(Jon) Oh, thanks, son.

So we're good?

Custom bike, lookin' cool.

Get out!

*

(Geary) I'm sorry your wife did not share your enthusiasm

for the custom made frame.

Yeah, you know what?

Ended up working out in the end.

The money that I saved on the frame

I put towards a lot of really sweet gear.

I got this very nice kit.

Got this pretty cool bag that's on the back of my seat.

How cool is that little thing?

On your right!

You know, Jon, I've been so inspired

by all the cycling activity from this episode

that I started working on a screenplay for what I think

is going to be the next great bike messenger film.

Oh, yeah?

First there was "Quicksilver" with Kevin Bacon.

Classic.

Then there was "Premium Rush" with Joseph Gordon-Levitt.

Yeah, I didn't see it.

And then there's my idea, "Quick Rush".

It's set in a post-apocalyptic New York

and it's about the world's last bike messenger,

named Steve Quick, who is tasked

with delivering a package that can save all of mankind.

I was picturing a Ryan Gosling type as the lead.

I know you've done some bit parts in film.

Could you by any chance get word to the Ling?

Who? The Ling, Ryan Gosling.

"The Ling?" No one calls him the Ling, Geary.

I just did.

Yeah, I think if anyone's gonna give him a nickname,

it would be The Gos.

Disagree to agree.

You know what, Geary, the phrase is "agree to disagree,"

you're just being contrarian on purpose.

Will you at least read my script

since you're in show business?

Fine, Geary, I'll read your dumb script,

but you know what I'm gonna do?

I'm gonna make a video of it on my computer

so there's documented evidence that I read it

and didn't like it, and I'm also gonna do that squeeze filter...

so there's a really--

I'm making a really annoyed face

that I don't even like your script, like,

I'm gonna read it like, "Ugh, it's so bad!"

All right, bring up your dumb script.

*

Wow.

That's a really cool opening shot.

Yeah!

Oh!

Oh, awesome, oh, that's cool!

Oh!

Oh, he went in there-- oh, God, why?

Oh!

*

Oh, this is funny.

(laughing)

So he's on the bike

and he rides through the whole thing like that?

*

Oh, God.

Oh!

Oh, man, he's got a six-pack on his dingdong.

So, will you show it to your agent?

No.

Why not?

Because...

*

'Cause we're makin' it!

Gear!

Thank you for meeting with me.

I know you portray my wife on camera,

but I want to just make it clear to the audience

that I'm now meeting with you, Eva.

So even though we're in front of the cameras,

I'm just Eva. Right.

I just want to make sure 'cause last time it got really angry.

I would just like to remind everyone

that Eva is playing my wife.

Her name is Leslie and you should refer to her as Leslie.

No, no, no, I totally understand that.

Now you are yourself. Okay.

You're Eva and I'm meeting you with you

because you're an amazing actress

and I'm writing this script and I thought of you for a role.

What's it about?

It's a bike messenger movie,

and there's a love interest part that you're perfect for.

There will be some...

adult situations in the film.

It's not an adult film.

It's not a porno.

(Geary) But we're gonna show tit.

Shut up, Geary! Sorry, Eva.

To make it clear, I'm not casting you

to try to take advantage of the fact

that when we're playing husband and wife,

that there's not as much of that as I was hoping for.

You were hoping for more.

No, no, no, I didn't mean to say it like that.

It's just-- I think it was more just

you're perfect for the role and not 'cause I think

you're hot and there should be more going on

or because you had a three-way with my former sidekick

and his wife and I didn't get to get in on that.

It's got nothing to do with that, okay?

I want to make that super clear to the cameras and you.

Right.

Check out the script. Okay.

And let me know what you think.

Great to see you. Great to see you.

Yeah.

All right, bye. Have a good day.

(whispering) Yes.

Janeane, thanks for meeting with me about the script.

Sure.

My phone and I wrote it-- this is Geary Fonzarelli.

(Geary) Hello, Janeane.

I really loved you in "Delocated".

We think this could be the next great bike messenger film.

I'm gonna play the bike messenger,

I'm researching the role,

I heard you used to be a bike messenger,

and so I wanna really just get the part right.

Well, here's the thing.

I was a bike messenger for a brief amount of time in 1987.

Oh.

I feel that you should talk to a real bike messenger

that's currently messaging today.

Good call, yeah, that's actually smart.

We'll do that. Okay.

Um, but listen, if you would take a look at the script.

We're making a trailer, shopping it around.

Okay, great, thank you.

See ya on the set. Se ya on the set, you know,

maybe, if you get the part.

*

Thanks again for meeting me out here.

Yeah, bro. Much appreciated.

I'm looking, you know, I'm researching this role.

I think I've kind of nailed the look, right?

I don't know, I mean, the bike's a little too clean, maybe.

Beat up the bike a little bit? Yeah.

Anything that doesn't feel right?

Change out the water bottle, put a tall can in there.

Put a Guinness in there, that'd be my choice.

Cool. So, what kind of tips

could you offer me as a bike messenger

in a post-apocalyptic world?

Oh, gee, make sure you have an extra, a spare tube, you know,

'cause if you get a flat in a post-apocalyptic world,

you don't wanna spend time patching it right there,

you just wanna swap it out and keep going, you know?

Right, because the bike shops are gone, man.

Yeah.

Things I wanna be thinking about,

do I need a certain mindset?

The best thing to do I think would be

just get out there and do it.

Let's get rid of some of these packages, bro, let's get hot.

Let's do it, man.

I'm on your wheel, dude. Word.

*

(Geary) Jon, I know you think this Bluetooth speaker is cool,

but I'm scared inside your bag.

(Jon) Don't be scared, buddy.

I know we're going fast, but you're safe back there.

But I don't have a helmet on.

You know what, Geary, the more you talk,

the more danger you put yourself in

'cause I'm not paying attention.

Now shut up.

*

You ready to make your first drop?

Yeah, man. All right.

Listen, don't mess this up.

All right.

Here you go. No, no, no, no, uh-uh.

You gotta take it inside the building, bro.

Okay, yeah, okay.

Sorry about that.

Got it?

Yes, bro. Piece of cake, man.

You did it. Piece...

...of... cake.

Yeah! (loud smack)

Okay, everybody, uh, this is our green screen meeting

for the "Quick Rush" trailer shoot.

We're gonna do a lot of safety talks

and go over all the ideas in the shot

just to make sure everyone's on the same page.

Okay, so first things first,

nobody is to walk on the green screen

without booties on your shoes.

We gotta keep this pretty clean.

These are also just fun to wear, I mean, they're pretty cool.

It's like we're all Oompa-Loompas.

(chuckling)

Right?

You guys see "Willy Wonka"?

If you haven't, seen the original first,

it's way better-- the remake, you know, whatever.

All right, let me just look at the script really quick.

Um... (phone dings)

Whoop!

Sorry, guys, give me one sec. (dinging continues)

It's my agent.

Hey, man, what's up?

Yeah.

Yes! Thank you, yes.

Oh, that's awesome. (phone beeps)

Real quick, guys.

I just got cast to play Sly Stallone's son in a movie.

(clapping)

Whoo!

Yeah, so psyched, I'll tell you guys about the story later...

(phone dinging) But I'm really excited.

Wait, hold on one second. (dinging continues)

Hello.

Yeah, hey, Sly, what's up?

Dude, thank you so much, man.

I'm so excited.

All right, bye.

So psyched, guys, Sly plays a baker,

he's like one of the last Italian bakers, like,

from the old world,

and he's trying to pass on the tradition to me,

but I'm his son, I'm a real (bleep) up, I'm into meth,

and so he's, like, with tough love helps me

get over my meth addiction and then I become this, uh,

world class pizza maker.

I don't want to give too much of the story away

'cause I'm really not supposed to even

technically be talking about the script.

It's just a really compelling story.

I'm going to get to show my dramatic side, you know,

with "Girls" I got to show a little bit of

how I can play drama... (phone dinging)

...and this is, like, full on drama.

(phone dinging)

Hello?

Sly, what's up, man?

What?

Oh, well, no, no, I was, I was practicing my lines.

There's no way I would ever do that.

Please don't do this, man, I will-- please, please.

Please.

(sighing) Oh, God.

(phone beeps)

Um...

When I hung up with Sly,

I guess I did not hang up my phone,

and he heard me...

telling you all about the script,

and I just got fired from the movie.

But let's not, let's not let that put a damper on

what we got to do here.

We're about to do something really special.

(inhaling deeply)

(bleep)

All right, you know what, let's-- I'm (bleep) good.

I'm good, let's do this!

Let's shoot "Quick Rush"!

*

(whooshing)

(explosion)

(narrator) New York City, the near future.

In a world of infertility,

one dying man has just delivered planet earth's last load.

(man shrieking)

Mr. Mayor.

If we want to have any chance of saving humanity...

we need to get this load downtown immediately.

What about the rebels, sir?

(crowd chanting)

(man) Don't you worry about the rebels, Mr. Mayor.

(narrator) And it's up to Steve Quick,

mankind's last bike messenger, to do the job.

I'll deliver that load.

(whooshing)

(man whispering) Quickly.

Quickly.

Quickly, quickly, quickly.

Quickly.

Quickly, quickly.

Quickly, quickly, quickly.

Quickly.

Load is locked and loaded.

*

(narrator) But the downtown rebels have other plans.

(hoarse voice) Give me a reason.

The government wants to use that load for the replicant program.

Quickly... That's okay.

I'm more about procreating the old fashioned way.

*

Status report, Geary.

I've detected the replicant lab.

It's in the Statue of Liberty's head.

Quickly, quickly, quickly.

(beeping)

(whirring and beeping)

Quickly, quickly, quickly.

Quickly, quickly, quickly, quickly.

Then it's time to blow this load all over Lady Liberty's face.

Find Quick Fast and kill him slow.

(narrator) Starring Mike Shannon as the Mayor.

Janeane Garofalo as the Rebel Leader.

Introducing Eva Solveig,

the hot Icelandic actress better known as Jon's wife

from "Jon Glaser Loves Gear,"

and Jon Glaser as Steve Quick in "Quick Rush-- the Last Load".

*

(explosion)

Whoo!

Yay! All right!

All right!

Well, thank you all for coming.

I hope you all enjoyed that.

Geary and I are very proud of it.

We worked super hard on it.

We're hoping to shop it around, get it in some festivals,

uh, but in the meantime we're gonna do a short Q&A right now.

If anyone has any questions or comments

about the movie or the process or-- any questions?

Okay, guys, let's go, come on.

Let's go.

What's up? You guys have to go?

Yeah, we do.

Oh, I thought we were gonna stick around,

maybe go get some ice cream or something?

That's not gonna happen, here we go.

All right.

Thanks for showing the kids your sex scene.

Oh, excuse me, no way, that was not a sex scene.

It was a scene of passion with the implication

that sex was coming.

Give me a break.

It's all good.

My kids are well aware that their daddy

sometimes has to kiss strange women that are not mommy

and they know it's my job and they know

it doesn't mean anything.

Who are you planning on showing that to?

I mean, we're gonna just pitch it to all the festivals

and we'll get some meetings, um,

I think Gary Sanchez Productions,

that's Adam McKay and Will Ferrell's production company,

is interested,

or they probably will be when I send it to 'em.

Oh, don't do that. Don't send them that, don't--

Why not? They would nail that movie.

And we were accepted at Cannes.

But not the-- not Cannes.

Oh, no. Cannes Cannes.

Cannes Cannes.

We are going, meaning I'm going, to Cannes Cannes.

(Jon) Nice, Greg, how's LA man?

Pretty good, Jon, nice and sunny as usual.

What are you doing for lunch today?

I'm thinking about a chile relleno.

If you get a chile relleno, you gotta get the guac.

Sounds good.

So, good news, bad news.

The bad news is that no one's interested

in your screenplay, "Good News, Bad News".

The good news is that Sony wants to buy "Quick Rush".

Yes! I knew it!

"Quick Rush" is a go, guys!

There's just one thing-- the writer wants Ryan Gosling.

Jon?

You there?

Hello? Uh...

Let me call you back, please.

Okay, all right, bye-- Okay? Bye.

(phone dings)

(Geary) Hello, Jon.

What gear suggestions can I-- Really, Geary?

I'm out of the movie?

You said it yourself, Jon.

"Whatever it takes to get the movie made."

If we get the Ling, this movie will ring.

If we get the Glase, this movie gets AIDS.

What?

Sorry, it was the first thing I thought of that rhymed.

Yeah, whatever, Geary, I'll make the movie myself if I have to.

Gear.

Hey, what's up?

Want to see "Quick Rush" for real?

TruTV's not gonna make it.

They didn't really seem interested in making a movie

about a post-apocalyptic bike messenger who delivers semen.

But they did agree to let us promote our Kickstarter page,

and this is real.

If we can raise $25 million,

this movie will get made for real.

So if you're some kind of eccentric billionaire--

(knocking on door)

Uh, that's weird.

Excuse me, please.

Sorry.

Weird.

Uh, hello?

Oh.

Hey, hold bike!

(clattering)