All language subtitles for American Princess s01e06_English

Previously on
"American Princess"...

Juan Andrés.

I...

like him.

You got to go get him!

Erin: Mom O.D.'d.
Get your ass home.

Get Mommy a flat white
from that place on 84th.

Hi.

Oh, she didn't.

Stop with this
foolishness!

You belong here.

Doctor Bloom!

What is going on?

What is
an intervention?

I have finally found a place
where I feel good.

And I'm gonna stay there

for as long as
I keep feeling that way.

If I sent you a cryptic message
saying, "Save me,"

you wouldn't at least
look into it?

What?

She's gone.

[ Chuckles ]

[ Phone beeps ]

[ Laughs ]

No effing way!

Where is everyone?

Did the party go late
last night?
No.

It was after-hours bingo.

There was a huge fight
over B-69.

There is no B-69.

That was the fight.

[ Chuckles ]

I love
when you report the news.

Sit. I'll make eggs.

What are your thoughts
on chervil?

No. Tarragon.

You know what?

I'll surprise you.

Giada says if you're not
willing to experiment
in the kitchen,

then you might as well --

[ Gasps ]

Amanda:
Shut up and suck it!

That what I should've told
my mother and sister --

all of them.

They interventioned me

like I was
one of those people

that eats Styrofoam
or marries her chandelier.

I once had feelings
for a tennis racket,

but it was for
a very specific reason.

They act like
this isn't a career.

People are thriving here.

You're giving your family
too much power.

Ignore them.
I can't.

My mother has a way of
burrowing into my ear

like one of those worms
at camp.

You know the red ones
with the tiny legs?

That's a centipede,

and if it's inside your head,
you're dead already.

What if this is
as good as it gets?

For me, I mean.

What if I can't hack it,
and -- and --

and I go crawling
back to New York

with my tail
between my legs?

Or not?

This is your home now.

We got your back.

And if you want to move up
in this world,

I know you can do it.

I believe in you.

Thanks.

Hi.

Hi.

Bye.

Oh, what?

We're not gonna talk
about the fact

that you showed up
to my mother's apartment?

Well, what was
I supposed to do?

You texted "Save me"
and then you went
radio silent.

So you were worried
about me?
No.

I mean, yeah, maybe,

just in a --
in a co-worker-y kind of way.

Oh, yeah.

Look, you serve beer,
all right?

You're integral
to the faire.

How did you find out
where my mother lives?

Her address
is on her Facebook profile.

You should probably
tell her tt.

So, what was
your final answer?

You were worried about me?

I thought you were dead.

You're welcome!

[ All shouting ]Lee: You're all yelling.

You're allyelling.Woman:
No, I'm not yelling!

You're --
I can't understand

when you're all screaming
at the same time!

You. Chunk. Go.

Everything got spoiled
in the fridge --

the milk, the cheese --My amoxicillin.

The avocados.

Look at me, man.
I need good fats!

Sorry, the damn thing
was humming yesterday,

so I tried to fix it.

But apparently duct tape

isn't a suitable replacement
for a fan belt.

Lesson learned.

If anyone has a solution,
I'm all ears.

Well, why didn't you
just call the repairman?

Oh, that's brilliant.

I'll get on that
as soon as I express

the anal glands
of my unicorn.

It's a refrigerator.

It can't cost that much.

Then you pay for it.

[ All shouting ]

What is this noise
about?

And be brief.
I don't care that much.

The food was ruined,
everyone's starving.

Oh, that's awful.

But Queen Elizabeth
adored her people.

As do I.

[ Chuckles ]

Please.

Share.

My mini-fridge
is stocked with Go-Gurt.

It's yours.

[ Sighs ]

Lee:
Okay, I'll call and see

if I can get a guy
out here today,

but you all are gonna have
to live with a broken shower

and no bonfire
this week.

-Whoa!
-No!

I'm sorry, but everything
comes with a price.

We don't have
that much cardboard to burn,

and firewood doesn't exactly
grow on trees.

No. It doesn't.

It istrees.

-This is just so ridiculous.
-Don't mansplain to me.

My insulin
was in there.

You have more pens,
right?

Yeah, they'll last me
till tomorrow.

Do you have money
for more?

I have a gift card to CB2.

Okay, well don't worry.

We'll find some cash.
I promise.

You should use that gift card,
though.

Don't you need
a new pouf?

Stick: Yeah, I do,
but priorities.

Hey.
Ugh.

Lee.
No.

Lee, Lee, Lee,
Lee, Lee.
What?

Hey, what if we brought in
more money here?Oh, my God.

You're killing it
with the ideas today.

Why don't you suggest
that Maggie be

in one of those
Spielberg pictures?

I'm just saying
that people need stuff.

And I could help.

I love being a pub wench,

but I'm capable
of doing more.

Can you fix things?

I once unstuck the button
on my key fob.

Well, until you graduate
to appliances,

you are of no use to me.

But what if I found a way
to make the money

to hire the guy
to fix the things

so that we can keep
the non-permitted bonfire?

Yeah, you do that,

you can name any job
you want.

Really?
Really.

Now leave me alone.

Huh.

This was all
that was salvageable.

We can coat the olives
in crushed cereal,

dip it in the fish sauce,

and pretend
we're on a cooking show

with unqualified
judges.

Or we can eat these
all separately

and do dinner in town.

Tomorrow.

My treat.

Is it a date?

Maybe.

And will this be
cocktail attire?

Business casual?

Oh, it's "Dollar Dozen" wings
at Nick's.

You can literally
go naked.

Noted.

Delilah:
Did someone say "wings"?
I love 'em!

By themselves,
with the wind beneath them --

Nope.
Dudes only.

Oh, come on.
I'll pick up the tip.

It's 12 wings
for a dollar.

You're offering us
dimes.

Delilah, I love you,

but if you show up,
I will shoot you on sight.

So definitely a "no,"
then?

It's a date!

It -- It's a date.

Well, fortunately,
there's, like, a million ways

to make a side hustle.

We could Airbnb my RV,

tutor kids in High German.

Or we could walk dogs,
podcast.

Oh! Here we go.

We could donate sperm.

I can't.

Oh, that's right --
diabetic.

Uh, we prefer
"person with diabetes."

That's the same thing.

It's not even close.

Okay, my bad.

I can do it
for both of us.

Yeah, um...

"Must have 48 to 72 hours
of abstinence

before first donation."

Why?

To make sure
you have enough swimmers.

How can you hear us?

Oh!

There's no music
in here.

I wear these
so I can eavesdrop

but still have a shield
against talkers.

You know,
old ladies on a plane,

or that new
steak-on-a-stick girl.

Ugh, we get it!
You're in witness protection.

So, sperm?

Why not just give blood?

Um, it hurts.
[ Snorts ]

Uh, why do you have a fatwa
against donating sperm?I don't.

I think it's awesome
to help create families.

But aren't you worried that

your kid's gonna turn
up at your doorstep

in, like, 20 years,
and be like,

"Help me, feed me,
pay for college"?Eh.

I don't really picture
the future that way.

Or at all.

I kind of just
live in the moment.

Spoken like a man
who wears cargos.

And that moment
was 1994.

Oh, they're the S.U.V.
of shorts.

Don't be jealous.

Speaking of that future
you plan to ignore,

I've been deep-diving
all morning.

Did you guys know

that we're not the only
Ren Faire in America?

There's like six
in Texas alone.

-[ Scoffs ] Yeah.
-We know.

And there's other places,
too.

They have, like, carnivals,
and theme weekends,

and all kinds of
attractions.

Like "The Dragon Dungeon"?

Or the "Haunted House
of Harlots"?

We know.

We work them
the other half of the year.

So you're aware of
the kind of money

that's to be had?

Why aren't we doing
any of this?

Oh, Maggie doesn't
like it.

Right, Maggie.

Well, we definitely
don't want to remove

that stick from her ass.

The other hundred up there
would be so lonely.

I mean, I kind of agree
with Maggie on this one.

The Royal is special.
It's authentic.

If we just start
bringing in

escape rooms
and climbing walls,

it's not truthful
to the period.

You're a mudbeggar.

That's not authentic
to the period.

Again, Maggie's the one
you need to worry about.

I'll convince her.

I'll convince you all!

Callie: David.

I dropped my diaphragm
down the sink

and now it won't work.

The sink, I mean.

I'm gonna catch up
on my stories.

[ Groans ]

Okay.

Oh! Whoa!
What are you doing?It's a new moon.

We have to do it
before the end of
the waxing phase

in order to harness
her lunar energy.

Okay, will she still be waxing
in 48 to 72 hours?

No.

And I have period cramps.

Right, uh,
well what about the sink?

Oh, okay,
I see what you're doing.

Whoa!

Oh!

Callie:
[ Moaning ] Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah, baby.

I'm cumming!
I'm cumming!

[ Moans ]

Me as well!

Ohh!

[ Exhales sharply ]

Oh.

[ Exhales sharply ]

Oh.

Are you doing tantra?

Huh?

No. Why?

Uh, because
you didn't orgasm.

Yes, I did.

I know your face,
David.

It does a "thing"
when you release.

Okay.

I was saving my sperm
to donate for Stick

so he can get insulin meds
so he won't die,

and it would've been easier
to say that up front,

but it seems like
a long story.

It is.
Wait, hold on.

What do you mean
my face does a "thing"?

Like, a smile?

I'll show you.

Wha--
No, I told you

I never want to watch
that video again!

You said
you were gonna erase it!

I was,
but then I didn't.

No, no, no!Callie: [ Moaning]

No, Cal-- Callie!

[ Both moaning]

David:
Oh! Oh! Oh! Ohh!

Ohh!!

No.

O0 C1AThere are zip lines,e,
water orbs, petting zoos.

Each and every one of these
has their own separate fee.

And that's not even counting

the extra tickets
that we could sell

if we had a theme weekend.

[ Chuckles ]

"Come as Ye Are!"

People can dress up

as sci-fi characters,
or monsters,

or, you know,
whatever they want.

Wait, so where does
the money go?

I am glad you asked,
miss.

Every attraction or ride

would give
25% of its profits

back to the faire.

We could pump that money
directly back to us

for maintenance,
employee benefits.

We could maybe even get
health insurance.

[ All murmuring ]

If we did a theme weekend,
I could sell my pirate flagons.

And I have a bunch of merch
from "That's So Raven,"

signed by Raven.

Amanda:
Random, but so cool!

Of course,

we would keep the integrity
of the Royal

with all of its prestige
and pageantry.

So le pièce de résistance...

[ All groaning, chuckling ]

Not this.
Delilah: Oh!

That's not --I was doodling.

A cosplay contest!

Hosted by our very own dear
Queen Elizabeth.

[ All gasp ]

No.

You heard her.
Show's over.

Amanda: Wait, what?

I want to know why.

I am not judging some
tacky Halloween competition,

nor am I participating
in a theme weekend!

If I wanted to see

a bunch of half-naked idiots
eating meat pies,

I would attend Natasha's
next potluck orgy.

It's on Tuesday, FYI.

I agree with Maggie.What a surprise.

It's inauthentic.

And she and I are doing
a new bit this weekend

on the Shakespeare
apocrypha.
Mm.

My soliloquy in
"Arden of Faversham"...

I can't talk about it.

Okay, so...

...why don't
we have a vote?

[ All murmuring ]

Oh, yeah,

you're still new here,
dear.

This is a monarchy.

Not on weekdays.

[ All gasp ]

All in favor
of trying something new...

Yeah.

The people have spoken.

Erin: Oh, my God,
I love zip lines!

Remember the one
in Costa Rica?

I heard
someone died on it

the month
after we were there,

but still,
how much fun did we have?

Shabbat Shalom to you, too,
bitch.

You would never believe
the traffic,

and then
my GPS wasn't working,

so I had to use the Wi-Fi.

What the hell
are you doing here?

I know things got a little dicey
back at home --
Dicey?

You guys were practically
one step away

from putting me
in a padded cell.

Well, textured walls
are in right now.

[ Scoffs ]
I'm sorry,
but technically,

the intervention
was Mom's idea...

Oh....and it didn't work.

Frankly, you inspired me.

To do what?To come here.

All you could do
is talk about

how happy this place is.

I figured I'd get in
on some of the action.

Well, a little notice
would've been appreciated.

I wanted to surprise you.

And Joel's frat brother

came to town
with his two sons,

so there was a lot of
extra penis in my house.

It's good to see you,
really.

I just have a lot going on
right now.

I'll stay
out of your hair.

I brought my vape pen
and the new Gillian Flynn

about a girl on a trolley
who witnesses a murder.

Or did she?

Yeah. That's...

That's a cute face,
right?

We're in here.

Here?
Yeah.

Oh.

David: Guys.

I need you to be honest.

What does this look like
to you?

[ Both moaning]

A man
in his death throes.

A PSA for bath salts?

Is my face
really that bad?

Well, not if you're
trying to look like

the kid from "The Shining"
when he saw those dead twins.

"Come with us.

Come with us, David."Nice. Nice.

Yes, I get it.
I'm a frightened child.

Yeah, that's your face.

Maybe we should see it

from another angle.

Perhaps one that showcases
Callie's breasts?

No.
Ah.

And you're awfully horny

for an insulin-less person
with diabetes.

Oh, I've already
asked the Friar for a loan,

and the pharmacy's filling
my prescription today.

Uh-huh, I'm glad that
your crisis is solved.

Mm-hmm.
[ Laughs ]

Okay.

Well, what do your faces
look like?

[ Grunts ]

Uh...

Aah.

Neither of them
are accurate.

And how do you know?

Because Callie
revealed to me

that we have all been living

in some kind of
O-face fantasy.

I've never technically
seen mine.
Same.

I'm usually focused on
my partner.

I mean, is there anything
more beautiful

than a woman's face
experiencing pleasure?

You've noticed, right?

Yes.All the time.

Mm-hmm.

We have to do something
about this,

otherwise we're just
going out there

scarring women's retinas.

All right.

Well, it may take me a while
to get going,

but if one of you could talk
like Helen Mirren,

that'd speed things up.Whoa!

No, no, no, no, no, no.No, no, no, no, no, no.

Put that away now.
Please.

I want feedback!Unh-unh.

Then we should
film ourselves

in the privacy
of our own homes and yurts

and report back here
for constructive criticism.

Yes?

Yes.
Fine.

O0 C1[ Indistinct conversations ]

No, I'm sorry I said that.
Wow.

-I'm just saying, you know?
-Lovely.

Hey.Juan Andrés: Hi.

I told you
this was date night.

Oh, yeah,
and I totally respected that,

but then I told Natasha
it was Dollar Dozen wings,

and she invited me,

and I didn't want
to be rude.

This is my best life.

Okay.

MC: Hello, hello!

Welcome to "Bare Your Soul."

[ Cheers and applause ]You guys know the drill.

Come up, share.

Please keep nudity
to your bottom half.

[ Light laughter ]Uh, First up, Delilah.

Oh, my God!Delilah,
oh, there she is.

Over here!
Delilah!

D! Whoa!

Growing up,
I had a lot of struggles.

And when I needed
to feel better,

this song lifted me up.

It was my safe space.

Thank you for letting me
share it with you.

Informer

Ya no say daddy me

Snow me gon' blame

A licky boom boom down

'Tective man, he say,
say daddy me

Snow me, stab someone
down the lane

A licky boom boom down

Informer

Ya no say daddy me

Snow me gon' blame

A licky boom boom down This is the second time
you've done that.

What? 'Tective man

He say, say daddy me Pulled away from me.
Are my hands sweaty?

Snow me,
stab someone down the lane I'm Latino,

so a slick sheen
is as good as it gets.

A licky boom boom down Your hands are fine.

I don't like PDA.

Police-ah them-ah
they come and-ah

They blow down me door Is this, like,
a gay thing?

No!

One-ee come crawl troo,
troo my window

It's about decency
and respect.

So dey put me
in de back de car Some things should be done
in private.

At de station Unless you want to be like
Natasha and The Fluffers.

From that point on Ugh!

I reach the destination Disgusting.

You're being weird.
They're actually normal --Can we drop it?

She's about to mess up
the high note.

Where they ripped down
me pants

Looked up me bottom

Well, she hit it.

Thank God for you.

[ Cheers and applause ]

MC: Wow, Delilah!

Painting a picture.Whoa! Ow!

You guys ready
for more show?

[ Cheers and applause ]Okay.

We're happy to have you.

Welcome to our abode.

I'll be back tomorrow.

A bunch of us are gonna bury
the rotten food from the fridge

and see how long it takes
to start a fart-fire.

Hmm. Odd child.

Sweet, though.

Usually, when my kids
take their leave,

it's by force,

and it ends
with one of them

hurling an iPhone
at my face.

What's up with you?

It's rotten food.
He's a kid.

He shouldn't have to deal
with that kind of stuff.

Doesn't seem like
he cared.

The adults do.

And I promised them money
and security and --

Oh, my God,
health insurance.

What if I can't deliver?
What was I thinking?

You'll be fine.

You pulled your wedding together
and it was gorgeous.

Well, at least
it would've been.Well, that's just it.

The stakes are way higher

than me and Brett
getting liked on Instagram.

These are people's lives.

I feel like
I gave them hope.

Hello?

Obama '08?

Hope is a good thing.

If people
are grasping for it,

it's usually
because they need it.

Yeah.
Yeah, you're right.

I'm sorry.

And I'm double sorry
that I don't have time

to be a tour guide
during your visit.

[ Exhales sharply ]

It's fine.

I'll wander around,

find some second-tier fun.

What do you mean?

You know, first-tier
is fun while it's happening

and you remember it that way,
too.

Second-tier fun
is like this.

Crappy in the moment,
but good for stories later.

Okay, the faire
is first-tier fun.

Trust me.

Now gimme.
I have a big day tomorrow.

Well, take it easy.

Last time
you got "the fear"

and thought the maid
was trying to kill you, so...

I've developed
a tolerance.

The beauty of dolphin
in the deep blue sea.

He's you.

He's her.

He's they.

He's me!!!

Natasha: Wow.

[ Applause ]

Okay, thank you, Helen,
for that, uh...

terrifying twist.

Okay, up next,

the artist formerly known as
"Faire Bear."

Mm.Faire Bear.

There he is.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Juan Andrés:
Thank you, Nick Jr.

Uh, so, coffee table books,
am I right?

[ Laughter ]

When I drink "coffee,"

I got to put a coaster
down on the "book,"

which I never "read."

So, yeah...

[ Laughter ]

Ugh.[ Laughs lightly ]

My Juan Andrés,
or One Andrayas,

and my date tonight

doesn't want
to hold my hand.

-What?!
-Oh, come on.

[ Audience groans, boos ]

Juan Andrés: It's okay.

Rejection grows hair
on your chest,

which I clearly need.

[ Audience screams ]

Hold his hand!

[ Audience chants
"hold his hand!" ]

[ Cheers and applause ]

Woman: Oh, cute.

Juan Andrés: Oh, wow.

So, uh, potted plants,
am I right?

[ Laughter ]Like...What do we have?

Lilies, we have daisies,
ferns.

I mean, what are those?

Are those real plants,
or are those my ex-wives?

[ Laughter ]

Tig Mattucci: We could start
at Vegetable Fury

and then
hit the Mud Show.

Or we could get drunk
at the joust.

I don't care what we do,

as long as I get
to courtly dance.

Dana Min Goodman:
Two, three.

-Whee!
-Whee!

I'm a gorgeous
older woman!

Julia Wolov: Whoo!

Looks good out there.

You think?

Yeah.

I mean, I got catcalled
by a poop emoji.

I don't know if that's normal.

But it seems like
a ton of people

are out here today.
Hm.

Maybe my stupid plan
is working.

Stupidly works that way.

Ee! [Giggles]

Okay. Ooh.

Okay, go.

Play. Laugh. Do.

Oh.

Ah! Ah.
I was looking for you.

Can you point me
to the laser tag cottage?

I'm feeling a little
trigger happy today.

Maggie.

Why aren't you
in your costume?

I am.

We're supposed to be

our favorite movie characters,
right?

I'm the girl
in the rom-com

who wears pants
and a white shirt

because I paint sometimes.

And I'm clumsy.

Ohh-whoops!
[ Laughs ]

Pray, my Queen,
we have a show to do.

The Shakespeare
apocrypha?

We can't cheat the world
of my Cardenio.

Oh, I'm sorry, love.

I didn't raise my hand
at the vote,

so I'm a patron today.

[ Laughs ]

Your new leader
will figure it out.

People are expecting the queen
on stage with me

in one hour.

Tick tock.

[ Breathes deeply ]

Hola.

We should talk.

No need.

I overstepped
your boundary.

It won't happen again.

Oh.

Okay.

Thank you.

I wish I could've heard
the end of your set.

I riffed on juice.

It killed.

I'm sure it did.

Come here, you.

Whoa, buddy.

There's people around.

Let's wave it out.

Hm.

Is everyone
proving a point today?

Oh, yeah.

So, right here,
is that --

Mm-hmm.
That's up there.

M'lady!
Good morrow!

Wouldst thou lend me
your ear?

[ Laughs ]
The Queen has gone mad.

Oh, I know she's upset,

but "mad"
is a bit hyperbolic.

Is it?

Whoo! Hoo!

Hey! Whoo! Whoo!

Whoo! Whee!

I was hoping that she would
blow off some steam

and eventually
come to her senses.

We don't have time
for that.

Are you too busy clicking
you haven't noticed?

Her people are rebelling
in her absence!

Oh.
Ew.

I should fill in for her.No, I should!

I've studied all of
Her Majesty's phrasings.

You know what,
eat a dick, Debbie.

Eat a dick?
I shan't do that.

[ Laughs ]
Really?

'Cause that's not what I heard
you did last night.

Oh, what's up?Oh, oh!

[ Scoffs ]

Only a royal pardon
from the Queen

can save you now.

Guess not.

Man: Ow!

[ Audience gasps ]

Ah.
Yeah.

Okay.

Let's keep this from Lee

until I figure out
what I'm gonna do.

He's probably cooped up

in his office
or something anyway.

Yeah.

Did you tell him?Of course not.

Okay, I may have mentioned it
to Natasha

who told the new
steak-on-a-stick girl
who told Lee,

I think she's looking for
attention, poor thing.

Good luck!

Hello.

Remember how I said

you could name any job
you want?

Well, right now,
I'm torn between

assistant manager
to a port-a-potty cleaner

and fired.

Well,
what am I supposed to do?

Maggie's acting like
a maniac.

Just fix this mess you made
and get our Queen back!

Maggie!

Maggie!

What do you want?

I'm glad to see
you're having fun.

You're doing things
we'll never be able to unsee.

But the people, Maggie,
they're asking for the Queen.

Queen? [ Laughs ]

Which one?
Amidala? Latifah?

I know you're trying
to make a statement,

and I understand --

No, you don't.

You couldn't possibly.

[ Grunts ]

You're upset
because you're coup d'état

turned into a faux paux

which has left you,
je ne sais quois.

Fucked.

That was good.

But I'm not trying
to stage a coup.

I wanted to make money
so that we could help people.

We were all doing fine.You were.

Maybe all that time
in your castle in the sky

has made you out of touch
with your people.

Some of whom are struggling,
Maggie.

They have doctor's bills
and kids.

So this is your charity?

I reject that frame.

I know when a bitch
is trying to deflect.

Lest you forget I am schooled
in reality television.

Then you'll understand
when I say,

"Farewell, Felicia."

Stick: [ Groaning]

[ Exhales sharply]

Namaste.

I don't like the tongue.

It's not my fault.

It doesn't want to stay
in my mouth.

It's weird,
it's like your eyes

are trying to run away
from each other.

Like a hammerhead shark.

Or Brandy.

Hey, remember Brandy?Yeah, what a voice!

Oh, I love her.I don't look like
no Brandy!

You know what, fine!
Let's see yours.

Happily!

I feel very confident
in my work.

Oh! Whoa!
Ugh!

Jesus! Full body?

Yeah, the toes are integral
to the whole experience.

I can tell.

What is it?

More teeth? Less?

It's not really a mouth issue,
it's more like,

"Is this person getting
a full fist

inserted inside of him?"

Did you say "fist"
or "fish"?

Either one!

Well,
I do like a finger.

It's very normal!

Ha, all of a sudden,

my O-face
doesn't seem so bad.

Oh, it is.

Unh-unh,
not as bad as that.

Oh, my God.

Well, let's take a vote.

Be honest, no ego.

Whose is the worst?

Oh!

Mine?Hey.

What?
Come on.

Amanda: Hey!

I am already having a day,
and this is still going on?

I am supposed to do a show
with her in 10 minutes.

The Spice Girls are waiting!What do you want me to do?

Club her on the head
and carry her to stage?

Her bones are hollow.

It's worth a shot.

I tried, okay?

It didn't work.
Nothing worked.

What are you talking about?Today, the whole thing!

I was trying to prove
that I could --

that I could...

thrive here,

but I should've just
left it alone.

Even though, in my defense,

it was impossible
for me to know

how Maggie would react.

You put a person
in a new situation,

there is no telling
what they'll...

Whaaa...?

Erin: Hey.

I would love
a whiskey sour.

Do you have one?

Did you sleep with him?

Um, yes.

And you're ruining
my post-coital glow.

Hi. Erin.

Her sister.
Guess which one is older?

All women look either
18 or 80 to me.

But you're both pretty.Ah, thank you.

What the hell
are you doing?

You told me to go
play, laugh, do.

So I did. It.[ Sighs ]

With him.

Oh, my God,
I'm ruining everything.

The faire, your marriage.

Oh, don't be a victim.

Yeah, not everything
is about you.Exactly.

Your gay friend --
I'm assuming?Correct.

Is in the middle of a crisis.
I'm assuming?

How did you know?Your brows.

They're lovely,
but furrowed.

You got a juicy little
caterpillar up there.

What's going on?

His friend Maggie
won't perform,

so we either have to project
her hologram on the stage

or I'm fired.

Wait, Maggie,
she's the Queen, right?

Thin, flat feet,
looks like she killed a man?

That's the one.

Okay.
Forensics debate, 2005.

I tried out
for the team thinking,

you know, I could meet
a cute guy with glasses,

but they all turned out
to be ugly with glasses.

So I quit.

Until my nemesis
Jenny Doyle joined

and took home a 3rd place
at New Rochelle.

Next thing I know,
I am back on the team,

miserable, but determined
to be better than her

or kill myself trying.

We were bred to win.

I don't know
what you're talking about.

You want your queen back?

Be Jenny Doyle.

Oh, most dear mistress.

The sun will set
before I shall discharge

what I must strive to do.

If you'll sit down,

I'll bear your logs
the while.

Pray, give me that.

I'll carry it
to the pile.

No, precious creature!

I had rather crack my sinews,
break my back,

then you should such
dishonor undergo,

while I sit lazy by!

Oh!

Oh...!

[ Both grunt ]

[ Both grunting in distance ]

[ Cheers and applause ]

Let me go.I haven't gone over
your safety briefing yet.

I've flatlined before,
I'll survive this.

Ah!Oh, wait, wait,
wait, wait.

[ Screaming ]

This is strange.

Your father's
in some passion

that works him
strongly.

Stop!

[ All gasping ]

[ Grunts ]

Get this off me.

Show's over!

Nice dismount.

I heard the faint cries
of your L5-S1.

How could you do this
to me?

Me?
Yes.

Performing "The Tempest"
with that...disrupter?

I have never felt
more betrayed.

I had no choice.

We had a whole show to do,
and you left me standing there

with my apocrypha
in my hand.

I was proving a point!

The faire is sacred.

People come here

for the history,
the authenticity.

If we lost that now,
then what?

Then we might as well be
gyrating on a cruise ship

to a sea of Aunt Lindas.

I don't like it, either.

Then why didn't
you have my back?

I voted with you.

But at some point,

you have to acknowledge

that if we don't change
the faire today,

there may not be one at all
tomorrow.

I've been here
since the beginning.

This means something to me.

The thing that sucks
about compromise

is that it forces you
outside of your safe zone,

and once that happens,
whether you like it or not,

you get a front-row seat
to all the ways in which

you've cheated yourself
of new experiences.

We can get through this.

Together.

I want to sleep at night

knowing that
I stuck to my values.

Lots of "I's" and "my's."

You're not gonna offer me

one of your Shakespearean lines
of wisdom?

Nope!

I've got to go french a man
in public.

[ Laughter ]

That's a short sword.

[ Laughs ]

Oh, well,
let me be the judge.

[ Laughter ]

Oh! You!

You!

Oh, why haven't I seen you
more often?

Oh, no, really,
how is the faire treating you?

Yes?

Good, let me get you
some flagons.

I've been coming to the Royal
since quaaludes were in.

This was a horror show.

And the Queen
was a no-show.

[ Groans ]

Can you blame her?

There were Ewoks
at the joust.

I applaud Her Majesty
for not attending today.

It was beneath her.

Still, what is a Renaissance
without our Queen?

Whatever.

Screw her!

Okay, you two.

Don't be mad.

Delilah:
[ Clears throat ]

The decision was unanimous.

Shart has the least
offensive O-face.

You showed her?Stick: I had to!

We needed an impartial judge,

and she has the most experience
with nudity.

God, dude!

I mean, I'm flattered
you picked me.

It was the toes, right?

Hold on,

you said that the pick
was "unanimous"?

Yeah. We all voted.Oh, my God.

What? I sent those videos
only to you.

Oh, and I respected
your privacy,

but I couldn't pick
on my own.

You were all
so specific.

So, I told Natasha,
and she sent them out.

Although she did get them
from me originally.

I think I have a problem.

Congratulations!

Don't you leave!

Just so you know...

this doesn't feel like
a win.

Okay,we have to align our lies.

We'll tell Joel
that you got crabs
from the mattress,

or if you get HPV,

we'll say that
it's airborne here.

Don't worry,
he won't care.

I have a freebie.

A what?

A hall pass.

For sex.

Joel cheated.

Oh, my God.

Yeah.

With who?

Oh, his mobile notary.

Her name is "Judee."Oh.

With two Es.
Unh-unh.

I almost killed him twice
for that.

[ Gasps ]

Erin, I'm so sorry.

So, that's why
you came to visit?

I was suspicious of you
bringing a book.

You don't read.

Well, I got the gist
from the flap.

Why go through
all of this?

Why don't you just
leave him?

And throw away
six years of marriage,

happy-ish kids?

I figured I'd get even
and keep my life.

I'll figure out the rest
later.

Wow, that's very...
modern of you.

You know...
I always thought

it would be with John Cho,
frankly, but, um...

Seriously,
Leaf was amazing.

He has this curve --

To the left.

Yeah, I'm familiar.

Ew!

You slept with him, too?!

Why do you think
I was so disturbed?

Because, like,
you thought I was,

like, throwing away
my marriage!

Yes, and the fact
that we shared a penis!

Ugh!

Which I got to first.

Okay, well now we're even,

because I kissed that guy
in Costa Rica first.

[ Gasps ]

I'm so glad you came.

Twice.

Ew.

[ Applause ]

Helen: No!

You look so stupid.
Go away. Next!

[ Audience boos, groans ]

Gross. Fat ass.

[ Cheers and applause ]

No!!

What are those?
Boobs on your head?

Next!

Oh, no!

Colors. Vomit. Sick.

Barf all over you.

Next!!

We still
don't have a Queen,

and this was the only way
to keep her

from hurting anybody
with her sword.
Hmm.

No! Nerd! Nerd!! Nerd!

Hey, call me.

Just kidding, don't!

Next!

Oh, this again?

I voted for you.

Oh, God.

That's...

Ugh.

Who did
Shart's lighting?

Because it was disgusting,

but he did manage to capture
the golden hour.

Uh, I don't want to talk about
any of it.

Rest assured that I will
never be having sex

in front of a mirror again.

Okay. Cool.
Uh-huh.

Good to know.

You know,
it wasn't that bad.

Although I wouldn't want
to pass those traits on

to your sperm babies.

I'm not having
any sperm babies.

Those kind, anyway?

Really?Unh-unh. Yeah.

Stick borrowed money
from Friar.

We are making bank today
to pay it back.

Besides, I, uh...

I realized that
I kind of sort of want

to start possibly
picturing the future.

What's that, do I hear?

The pitter-patter of...

hipster babies.

Echelon and Latte.

The names go both ways.

No babies.
Not yet.

Maybe never.
Or maybe tomorrow.

Just keeping
my options open.

You did hear me,
by the way,

that we're making
a killing?

The Spice Girls
are cardiologists,

and they were very generous
with tips.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Plus the zip line
and the water orb guys

are, like,
turning people away.

Uh-huh.

The girl
I met six weeks ago

would be bragging
till the end of eternity

about this.

That girl
has left the faire.

This girl
has a clipboard.

This girl needs to stop
being so humble,

'cause it's annoying.[ Chuckles ]

You did this, Amanda.

Be proud.

Yeah.

[ Laughs ]

[ Laughs ]

[ Exhales sharply ]

A devil.

A born devil on whose nature,
nurture can never stick.

I will plague them all.

I will plague.

Them.

All!

Show me the magic!

[ Thunder rumbles ]

[ Laughs evilly ]

[ Thunder rumbles ]

[ Laughing evilly ]

[ Thunder rumbles ]