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1
00:00:01,436 --> 00:00:03,525
2
00:00:03,655 --> 00:00:05,048
Remind me if I ever
get married again
3
00:00:05,179 --> 00:00:06,876
to actually
buy the photos
4
00:00:07,007 --> 00:00:08,791
instead of just keeping
the photographer's samples.
5
00:00:09,705 --> 00:00:12,012
[thudding, shattering]
6
00:00:12,142 --> 00:00:13,317
God. What are they
up to now?
7
00:00:13,448 --> 00:00:14,492
Stan and Jeff?
8
00:00:14,623 --> 00:00:15,928
Not 100% sure,
9
00:00:16,059 --> 00:00:19,193
but I think they're planning
a surprise for me.
10
00:00:19,323 --> 00:00:20,281
Because whenever
I come around,
11
00:00:20,411 --> 00:00:22,109
they stop talking
and leave the room.
12
00:00:22,239 --> 00:00:24,111
Babe! We're going
on a bear hunt!
13
00:00:24,241 --> 00:00:25,242
Oh, God.
14
00:00:25,373 --> 00:00:27,201
It's one of the ones
where they're friends.
15
00:00:27,331 --> 00:00:28,898
Jeff and I are playing
Davy Crockett,
16
00:00:29,029 --> 00:00:31,379
and murdering bears is
a central part of that.
17
00:00:31,509 --> 00:00:33,207
That and the fashion,
obviously.
18
00:00:33,337 --> 00:00:35,165
I'm Davy,
he's Crockett.
19
00:00:36,514 --> 00:00:38,125
How 'bout that,
Hayley?
20
00:00:38,255 --> 00:00:42,129
Two city gals like us,
married to real frontiersmen.
21
00:00:42,259 --> 00:00:43,478
What are you
talking about?
22
00:00:43,608 --> 00:00:45,262
Those two have been
insufferable
23
00:00:45,393 --> 00:00:47,134
ever since they watched
that Mr. Rogersepisode
24
00:00:47,264 --> 00:00:48,526
about "imagination."
25
00:00:48,657 --> 00:00:50,137
Mm-mm.
26
00:00:50,267 --> 00:00:53,792
You know that Fred Rogers
can get down.
27
00:00:53,923 --> 00:00:57,144
He could take his shoes off
and keep going.
28
00:00:57,274 --> 00:00:58,667
Geez, Mom.
29
00:00:58,797 --> 00:01:02,236
Fine! Who's at the top
of yourPBS bang list?
30
00:01:02,366 --> 00:01:04,281
I bet you're
a Sesame Streetgirl.
31
00:01:04,412 --> 00:01:07,371
Cookie Monster --
so obvious.
32
00:01:07,502 --> 00:01:10,505
That guy in the trash can --
he's pretty hot.
33
00:01:10,635 --> 00:01:12,072
Oh, I know.
34
00:01:12,202 --> 00:01:15,205
You want Bert and Ernie --
two for one.
35
00:01:15,336 --> 00:01:17,338
That's good value,
Hayley.
36
00:01:17,468 --> 00:01:18,774
Geez, Mom.
37
00:01:18,904 --> 00:01:20,297
Relax.
38
00:01:20,428 --> 00:01:22,169
Someday, you'll be having
the same conversation
39
00:01:22,299 --> 00:01:23,605
with yourdaughter.
40
00:01:23,735 --> 00:01:26,434
[patriotic music plays]
41
00:01:26,564 --> 00:01:28,827
Good morning, U.S.A.
42
00:01:28,958 --> 00:01:32,570
I got a feelin' that it's gonna be a wonderful day
43
00:01:32,701 --> 00:01:35,834
The sun in the sky
has a smile on his face
44
00:01:35,965 --> 00:01:40,230
And he's shinin' a salute
to the American race
45
00:01:42,102 --> 00:01:45,148
Oh, boy, it's swell to say
46
00:01:45,279 --> 00:01:47,846
- Good --
- Good morning, U.S.A.
47
00:01:47,977 --> 00:01:48,978
Aah!
48
00:01:50,371 --> 00:01:53,591
Good morning, U.S.A.
49
00:01:53,722 --> 00:01:56,246
50
00:01:56,377 --> 00:01:58,596
You'd probably want
to get with The Count.
51
00:01:58,727 --> 00:02:00,555
You love guys
with accents.
52
00:02:00,685 --> 00:02:04,036
You get all shy whenever we go
into that cellphone store.
53
00:02:04,167 --> 00:02:06,126
-[door opens]
-[coughs]
54
00:02:06,256 --> 00:02:08,258
Did you get sprayed
by a skunk?
55
00:02:08,389 --> 00:02:09,868
[laughing] Yeah,
but I got to tickle it
56
00:02:09,999 --> 00:02:12,262
for five whole seconds
first.
57
00:02:12,393 --> 00:02:14,221
Well, at least
you told the truth.
58
00:02:14,351 --> 00:02:15,265
Which means...
59
00:02:15,396 --> 00:02:16,136
[sighs]
60
00:02:16,266 --> 00:02:17,572
I owe you a Matchbox car.
61
00:02:17,702 --> 00:02:19,051
I like Hot Wheels!
62
00:02:19,182 --> 00:02:20,923
How many times
do I have to tell you?!
63
00:02:22,098 --> 00:02:23,621
-[door slams]
-I'm losing my mind.
64
00:02:23,752 --> 00:02:25,145
Well, husbands are
a lot of work.
65
00:02:25,275 --> 00:02:26,885
It doesn't seem
to affect you.
66
00:02:27,016 --> 00:02:28,800
I mean,
Dad is running around
67
00:02:28,931 --> 00:02:31,499
in a hat he madefrom Steve's Rocket Raccoon toy.
68
00:02:31,629 --> 00:02:33,327
STEVE: He did what?!
69
00:02:33,457 --> 00:02:35,720
You're right, Hayley.
I don'tlet it get to me.
70
00:02:35,851 --> 00:02:37,635
And if you want,
I can let you in
71
00:02:37,766 --> 00:02:39,811
on a little secret
that's helped me.
72
00:02:39,942 --> 00:02:41,204
Please do.
73
00:02:41,335 --> 00:02:43,728
I'm better at being married
than you are.
74
00:02:43,859 --> 00:02:45,034
What?!
75
00:02:45,165 --> 00:02:46,514
I have
lots of little secrets.
76
00:02:46,644 --> 00:02:49,256
Like this bullfrog
I keep in my hair.
77
00:02:49,386 --> 00:02:51,649
His name is
Clarke Michael Duncan.
78
00:02:53,608 --> 00:02:55,697
Cold, cold, cold,
cold, cold!
79
00:02:55,827 --> 00:02:57,873
-[click, whirring]
-Ooh, is someone bathing --
80
00:02:58,003 --> 00:02:59,918
Oh, it's Jeff.
Gross.
81
00:03:00,049 --> 00:03:02,399
[sighs] Welp,
back to standing silently
82
00:03:02,530 --> 00:03:03,835
in the dark garage.
83
00:03:03,966 --> 00:03:07,056
[click, whirring]
84
00:03:07,187 --> 00:03:08,623
[door opens, closes]
85
00:03:08,753 --> 00:03:11,191
[sighs] Mom, can you help me
wash the skunk off Jeff?
86
00:03:11,321 --> 00:03:12,496
He's being
really squirmy.
87
00:03:12,627 --> 00:03:14,324
Sorry, Hayley.
I'm headed to Costco.
88
00:03:14,455 --> 00:03:16,065
Oh, great.
89
00:03:16,196 --> 00:03:17,675
Can you pick up
those big cans of tomato juice
90
00:03:17,806 --> 00:03:18,850
to get the skunk out?
91
00:03:18,981 --> 00:03:19,982
Ooh, sorry.
92
00:03:20,112 --> 00:03:21,462
This trip is
just to pick up
93
00:03:21,592 --> 00:03:23,986
two flats
of Dan Brown hardbacks.
94
00:03:24,116 --> 00:03:26,075
They burn so much cleaner
than firewood.
95
00:03:26,206 --> 00:03:27,207
But could
you still --
96
00:03:27,337 --> 00:03:29,383
Uh...
Eep, eep, eep!
97
00:03:30,558 --> 00:03:32,386
[vehicle approaches,
horn honks]
98
00:03:32,516 --> 00:03:34,301
[vehicle door opens]
99
00:03:34,431 --> 00:03:37,217
-Another clean getaway!
-[vehicle door closes]
100
00:03:37,347 --> 00:03:40,220
[sighs] What would I do
without my eeps?
101
00:03:40,350 --> 00:03:42,265
[engine revs]
102
00:03:42,396 --> 00:03:44,702
Why did she get on
an airport shuttle?
103
00:03:46,791 --> 00:03:48,880
Jeff, you're in charge
of cleaning your own privates.
104
00:03:49,011 --> 00:03:51,535
-[engine starts, tires squeal]-That's too much responsibility!
105
00:03:51,666 --> 00:03:53,363
[click, whirring]
106
00:03:54,582 --> 00:03:57,237
I'ma responsible guy.
107
00:03:59,935 --> 00:04:02,111
108
00:04:02,242 --> 00:04:03,982
[tires screech]
109
00:04:04,113 --> 00:04:10,989
110
00:04:11,120 --> 00:04:12,121
[keys jangling]
111
00:04:12,252 --> 00:04:13,035
Park it!
112
00:04:13,165 --> 00:04:14,123
You got it!
113
00:04:14,254 --> 00:04:16,343
That's how
airports work!
114
00:04:19,171 --> 00:04:21,348
How did that woman
go through without a ticket?
115
00:04:21,478 --> 00:04:23,219
She's part of
our Airport Angels program.
116
00:04:23,350 --> 00:04:25,482
They assist people to their gatewho want help.
117
00:04:25,613 --> 00:04:27,005
And they do it all
for nothing,
118
00:04:27,136 --> 00:04:29,312
except for the complimentary
Toblerone from Duty Free.
119
00:04:29,443 --> 00:04:31,053
They say shape
doesn't make a difference,
120
00:04:31,183 --> 00:04:32,620
but I think
triangles taste better.
121
00:04:32,750 --> 00:04:35,536
Great, great. Where do I sign upfor this Airport Angel B.S.?
122
00:04:39,627 --> 00:04:41,063
Where did Mom go?
123
00:04:41,193 --> 00:04:42,760
How the [bleep]
would I know?
124
00:04:42,891 --> 00:04:44,980
I'm just
a sweet old lady.
125
00:04:47,504 --> 00:04:48,984
Ooh, there she is!
126
00:04:49,114 --> 00:04:50,377
Hey, you idiot!
127
00:04:50,507 --> 00:04:53,771
I'm supposed to be going
to China, not Albuquerque!
128
00:04:54,859 --> 00:04:55,817
Oh!
129
00:04:57,427 --> 00:04:59,603
Oh, it all worked out!
130
00:04:59,734 --> 00:05:01,388
I get to ride with my bags
131
00:05:01,518 --> 00:05:05,043
and have access
to all my hair gels and salsas!
132
00:05:05,174 --> 00:05:07,437
Thank you, Airport Angel!
133
00:05:07,568 --> 00:05:08,960
[gulping]
134
00:05:09,091 --> 00:05:09,961
Mom?
135
00:05:10,092 --> 00:05:10,962
Eep, eep, eep --
136
00:05:11,093 --> 00:05:12,399
[muffled]
Eep, eep, eep!
137
00:05:12,529 --> 00:05:14,401
You're not gonna eep your way
out of this one.
138
00:05:14,531 --> 00:05:16,316
What the hell
is going on?
139
00:05:16,446 --> 00:05:18,535
Look, I never thought
I'd be caught here,
140
00:05:18,666 --> 00:05:21,364
but in case I was,
I worked up a little song.
141
00:05:21,495 --> 00:05:22,452
Hit it, Larry.
142
00:05:22,583 --> 00:05:25,455
[upbeat music plays]
143
00:05:25,586 --> 00:05:27,849
Being a wife
in the world today
144
00:05:27,979 --> 00:05:30,286
Sure can drain your soul
145
00:05:30,417 --> 00:05:32,680
Your husband
and your children suck
146
00:05:32,810 --> 00:05:35,900
And your alien's
an asshole
147
00:05:36,031 --> 00:05:37,815
Alien?
You have an alien?
148
00:05:37,946 --> 00:05:40,122
Sometimes
you should escape
149
00:05:40,252 --> 00:05:44,300
To a crappy airport bar
150
00:05:45,736 --> 00:05:49,871
Where husbands
don't know where you are
151
00:05:50,001 --> 00:05:54,354
Eep, eep, eep, eep, eep,
eep, eep, eep
152
00:05:54,484 --> 00:05:57,008
Did you know these napkins
are exact replicas
153
00:05:57,139 --> 00:05:58,227
of the ones they use
154
00:05:58,358 --> 00:06:00,534
in the original O'Rrivals
in Ireland?
155
00:06:00,664 --> 00:06:01,448
Why would I know that?
156
00:06:01,578 --> 00:06:03,275
Wait.
O'Rrivals is a chain?
157
00:06:03,406 --> 00:06:04,712
I thought
it was just a bad pun.
158
00:06:04,842 --> 00:06:05,930
Oh, no.
159
00:06:06,061 --> 00:06:07,802
The flagship
is in Dublin.
160
00:06:07,932 --> 00:06:09,543
And it's a goodpun.
161
00:06:09,673 --> 00:06:11,371
Look, my photo's
on the wall.
162
00:06:11,501 --> 00:06:16,114
I got it from completing
the "Drinks of Dublin Tour."
163
00:06:16,245 --> 00:06:18,682
Sometimes
you should escape
164
00:06:18,813 --> 00:06:23,034
Where all the taps
lead to Bud Lite
165
00:06:23,165 --> 00:06:28,083
And the pilots
get drunk pre-flight
166
00:06:28,213 --> 00:06:30,390
Plastic forks
and metal spoons
167
00:06:30,520 --> 00:06:32,957
No one's quite sure why
168
00:06:33,088 --> 00:06:35,482
But things are
so much simpler here
169
00:06:35,612 --> 00:06:38,310
In Terminal Five
170
00:06:38,441 --> 00:06:40,835
-[song ends]
-Thisis your secret
to being a patient wife?
171
00:06:40,965 --> 00:06:42,445
Yes!
It's so easy!
172
00:06:42,576 --> 00:06:44,491
[scoffs]
I can't believe you said
173
00:06:44,621 --> 00:06:46,536
you were better
at being married than me.
174
00:06:46,667 --> 00:06:48,973
Come on, Hayley.
Give me this one thing.
175
00:06:49,104 --> 00:06:51,149
You're so much better
at everything else.
176
00:06:51,280 --> 00:06:52,281
Like what?!
177
00:06:52,412 --> 00:06:54,326
Like the stuff
that matters.
178
00:06:54,457 --> 00:06:57,112
You have the Galagahigh score
at the deli.
179
00:06:57,242 --> 00:06:59,506
Don't you think
that burns me up at night?!
180
00:06:59,636 --> 00:07:01,508
That's
Hayley Schmitterhaus!
181
00:07:01,638 --> 00:07:04,206
She was abducted eight years agoselling Girl Scout cookies.
182
00:07:04,336 --> 00:07:07,078
Oh. Well, that makes me
feel a little better.
183
00:07:07,209 --> 00:07:08,340
Wait.
184
00:07:08,471 --> 00:07:09,429
Are you the Hayley
185
00:07:09,559 --> 00:07:11,300
on the Frogger
at the laundromat?
186
00:07:11,431 --> 00:07:12,519
Yeah, that one's me.
187
00:07:12,649 --> 00:07:14,434
10th place.
Terrible score!
188
00:07:14,564 --> 00:07:16,566
Let me give you
some advice.
189
00:07:16,697 --> 00:07:19,787
In Frogger,some of those logs
are alligators.
190
00:07:19,917 --> 00:07:20,788
Chomp, chomp.
191
00:07:20,918 --> 00:07:22,006
[cellphone chimes]
192
00:07:22,137 --> 00:07:24,748
Oh.
Jeff sat on his balls.
193
00:07:24,879 --> 00:07:27,098
And he doesn't know
what to do.
194
00:07:27,229 --> 00:07:28,665
"Stand...up."
195
00:07:28,796 --> 00:07:29,666
[cellphone bloops]
196
00:07:29,797 --> 00:07:31,494
Pull up a stool,
girl.
197
00:07:31,625 --> 00:07:33,931
Jeff's floppy balls will
be there when you get home.
198
00:07:34,062 --> 00:07:35,933
How do youknow
Jeff's balls are floppy?
199
00:07:36,064 --> 00:07:37,457
I can hear 'em.
200
00:07:40,677 --> 00:07:42,549
201
00:07:42,679 --> 00:07:44,202
We probably don't need
to bring
202
00:07:44,333 --> 00:07:46,466
three different flavors
of Triscuits, do we?
203
00:07:46,596 --> 00:07:49,033
You never know which flavor's
gonna give you the edge
204
00:07:49,164 --> 00:07:52,036
when you tango
with the big brown man.
205
00:07:52,167 --> 00:07:54,430
-Is that what you call bears?
-Correct.
206
00:07:54,561 --> 00:07:56,432
Jeff, where did
all my underwear go?
207
00:07:56,563 --> 00:07:57,738
Jeff, I'll get
more supplies
208
00:07:57,868 --> 00:07:59,957
while you negotiate
with this fur trapper.
209
00:08:00,088 --> 00:08:03,004
[whispering]
I'm pretending Hayley's
a French-Canadian fur trapper.
210
00:08:03,134 --> 00:08:05,006
Time to negotiate.
211
00:08:05,136 --> 00:08:08,183
I'll give you $50.
212
00:08:08,313 --> 00:08:09,750
God, I hate this.
213
00:08:09,880 --> 00:08:10,838
Come on!
214
00:08:10,968 --> 00:08:12,361
I dressed Steve up
as a bear
215
00:08:12,492 --> 00:08:14,929
and told him we were
playing hide-and-seek.
216
00:08:15,059 --> 00:08:16,496
That looked like
a real arrow.
217
00:08:16,626 --> 00:08:18,236
A-Are they gonna
hunt Steve?
218
00:08:18,367 --> 00:08:22,023
Yes. And you know Steve's
just loving all the attention.
219
00:08:22,153 --> 00:08:23,938
Shuttle's here!
220
00:08:26,070 --> 00:08:26,984
[sighs]
221
00:08:27,115 --> 00:08:28,420
What is it, hon?
222
00:08:28,551 --> 00:08:30,510
Don't get me wrong.
I-I love booze.
223
00:08:30,640 --> 00:08:32,163
But all I can
think about
224
00:08:32,294 --> 00:08:34,383
is how Jeff stretched out
all my underwear,
225
00:08:34,514 --> 00:08:35,993
making them
into slingshots.
226
00:08:36,124 --> 00:08:37,647
I think it was your ass
that did that.
227
00:08:37,778 --> 00:08:39,823
-Mom!
-Lighten up, fat-ass!
228
00:08:39,954 --> 00:08:42,043
That's how we razz
at O'Rrivals!
229
00:08:42,173 --> 00:08:44,219
Is there a place
I can plug in my laptop?
230
00:08:44,349 --> 00:08:46,743
See? Hegets it.
231
00:08:46,874 --> 00:08:48,702
Hayley,
this is our escape.
232
00:08:48,832 --> 00:08:50,051
You need to unwind!
233
00:08:50,181 --> 00:08:51,618
That's what
I'm trying to do!
234
00:08:51,748 --> 00:08:54,316
Well, I guess
we need to step it up.
235
00:08:54,446 --> 00:08:56,666
Ow! Why would you
do that?!
236
00:08:56,797 --> 00:08:58,494
Because when drinking
doesn't work,
237
00:08:58,625 --> 00:08:59,843
there's nothing
like a bar fight
238
00:08:59,974 --> 00:09:02,237
to make the rest of the world
fade away.
239
00:09:02,367 --> 00:09:03,760
Oh, okay.
Let's rumble.
240
00:09:04,413 --> 00:09:05,545
[grunts]
241
00:09:05,675 --> 00:09:07,416
Let the bitch
out of the box, Hayles!
242
00:09:07,547 --> 00:09:09,418
I don't see
how this is gonna help.
243
00:09:09,549 --> 00:09:11,115
Do it.
You'll feel better.
244
00:09:11,246 --> 00:09:12,639
-[grunts]
-Nice one!
245
00:09:12,769 --> 00:09:13,727
[thud]
246
00:09:13,857 --> 00:09:15,555
That feels amazing!
Who's next?
247
00:09:15,685 --> 00:09:18,079
I-I'm just trying
to get to Wisconsin
248
00:09:18,209 --> 00:09:19,341
to bury my mother!
249
00:09:19,471 --> 00:09:20,908
Not on mywatch.
250
00:09:21,038 --> 00:09:23,127
[Irish folk music plays]
251
00:09:23,258 --> 00:09:24,912
This is great, Mom!
252
00:09:25,042 --> 00:09:26,783
Hey, we're gonna need
two more beers.
253
00:09:26,914 --> 00:09:29,133
You got it,
but happy hour's over.
254
00:09:29,264 --> 00:09:30,570
-[music stops]
-Happy hour's over.
255
00:09:30,700 --> 00:09:31,658
That's our cue to go.
256
00:09:31,788 --> 00:09:32,876
What? Why?
257
00:09:33,007 --> 00:09:34,704
I-I was just starting
to unwind.
258
00:09:34,835 --> 00:09:36,663
Yeah, and that's
all you need.
259
00:09:36,793 --> 00:09:38,708
I mean, don't you feel
you could go home
260
00:09:38,839 --> 00:09:40,710
and deal with Jeff now?
261
00:09:40,841 --> 00:09:42,538
You know what?
I do.
262
00:09:42,669 --> 00:09:44,801
He accidentally saw
Tuttle's penis the other day,
263
00:09:44,932 --> 00:09:46,281
and I feel like
I'm finally ready
264
00:09:46,411 --> 00:09:48,065
to have a frank talk
with him about it.
265
00:09:48,196 --> 00:09:49,676
It's really --
266
00:09:49,806 --> 00:09:52,113
I-I can see he's thinking
about it a lot.
267
00:09:52,243 --> 00:09:53,680
Attagirl!
268
00:09:53,810 --> 00:09:55,899
And don't worry.
We'll be back here tomorrow.
269
00:09:56,030 --> 00:09:57,684
Okay.
270
00:09:57,814 --> 00:09:59,686
What airline you flying,
chump?
271
00:09:59,816 --> 00:10:01,035
[groaning]
Frontier.
272
00:10:01,165 --> 00:10:02,079
Good.
273
00:10:02,210 --> 00:10:03,646
They'll finish the job.
274
00:10:05,822 --> 00:10:12,568
275
00:10:13,700 --> 00:10:16,528
JEFF: Hey, babe, I owe you
one tube of toothpaste.
276
00:10:16,659 --> 00:10:18,530
Needed it to seal our canoe.
277
00:10:18,661 --> 00:10:19,749
Damn it, Jeff.
278
00:10:19,880 --> 00:10:21,185
Well, joke's on him.
279
00:10:21,316 --> 00:10:23,187
I don't use toothpaste.
280
00:10:25,407 --> 00:10:27,757
JEFF: Oh, hey, babe.
I owe you one toothbrush.
281
00:10:27,888 --> 00:10:30,412
Needed it for brushing
my teeth in the canoe.
282
00:10:30,542 --> 00:10:33,328
Ugh! This canoe
is hounding me!
283
00:10:33,458 --> 00:10:35,809
But at least I still have
my trusty tampons.
284
00:10:35,939 --> 00:10:37,811
I'll just brush my teeth
with one of those.
285
00:10:37,941 --> 00:10:39,726
Little trick I read
in Vogue.
286
00:10:39,856 --> 00:10:40,640
Right, ladies?
287
00:10:40,770 --> 00:10:42,511
[ding!]
288
00:10:43,643 --> 00:10:44,731
JEFF: Me again, babe.
289
00:10:44,861 --> 00:10:46,907
I owe you a hundred tampoons.
290
00:10:47,037 --> 00:10:49,126
I used a bottle of nail polish
to paint them red
291
00:10:49,257 --> 00:10:50,737
'cause I needed dynamite...
292
00:10:52,303 --> 00:10:53,565
...to blow up my canoe.
293
00:10:53,696 --> 00:10:54,741
-Daaahh!
-Whoa, whoa, whoa!
294
00:10:54,871 --> 00:10:56,960
You're not gonna destroy
that box, are you?
295
00:10:57,091 --> 00:10:58,440
Relax.
I could sit on that
296
00:10:58,570 --> 00:11:00,137
while I'm waiting
for something to happen.
297
00:11:00,268 --> 00:11:01,573
[sniffing]
298
00:11:01,704 --> 00:11:03,575
Damn! Your breath
is kickin', girl.
299
00:11:03,706 --> 00:11:05,186
Ever heard of tampons?
300
00:11:07,101 --> 00:11:08,580
[insects chirping]
301
00:11:08,711 --> 00:11:10,539
ROGU: Water.
302
00:11:10,670 --> 00:11:11,627
[gulping]
303
00:11:11,758 --> 00:11:13,716
Look!
Rogu found water!
304
00:11:14,935 --> 00:11:16,110
[rustling]
305
00:11:16,240 --> 00:11:17,241
On your toes,
men.
306
00:11:17,372 --> 00:11:18,895
We're deep
in bear country.
307
00:11:19,026 --> 00:11:20,375
[growling]
308
00:11:20,505 --> 00:11:21,768
-That sounds like a real bear!
-Run!
309
00:11:21,898 --> 00:11:24,901
[rustling, growling continue]
310
00:11:25,032 --> 00:11:25,902
[belches]
311
00:11:26,033 --> 00:11:27,904
Just crushed
38 O'Doul's.
312
00:11:28,035 --> 00:11:29,776
That's equal
to two Coors Lights.
313
00:11:29,906 --> 00:11:31,603
That's like
one Corona.
314
00:11:31,734 --> 00:11:33,170
I'm feelin' it!
315
00:11:33,301 --> 00:11:35,695
Aww. Is that
a little coonskin cap?
316
00:11:35,825 --> 00:11:37,784
Rat skin.
317
00:11:37,914 --> 00:11:40,177
You're sending my ovaries
into hyperdrive.
318
00:11:40,308 --> 00:11:41,701
How'd you like
a little sister?
319
00:11:41,831 --> 00:11:44,442
Rogu eat sister.
320
00:11:44,573 --> 00:11:47,141
[laughing]
O-Only you, Rogu.
321
00:11:48,229 --> 00:11:49,796
Francine!
There's a bear outside!
322
00:11:49,926 --> 00:11:52,146
It sounded big and mean
and wanted to eat us!
323
00:11:52,276 --> 00:11:53,930
Ooh, sounds scary!
324
00:11:54,061 --> 00:11:55,062
Wanna hide
under the covers?
325
00:11:55,192 --> 00:11:57,281
Uh-huh.
326
00:11:57,412 --> 00:11:58,892
Can you put up
the force field?
327
00:11:59,022 --> 00:12:00,371
Force field up.
328
00:12:00,502 --> 00:12:01,677
Make the sound.
329
00:12:01,808 --> 00:12:03,766
Zzh-zzh-zzh-zzh-zzh-
Zzh-zzh-zzh-zzh-zzh.
330
00:12:03,897 --> 00:12:05,159
[sighs]
331
00:12:05,289 --> 00:12:06,595
[snoring]
332
00:12:06,726 --> 00:12:08,162
What about me, Mrs. S?
333
00:12:08,292 --> 00:12:09,946
Go to yourroom
and have Hayley
334
00:12:10,077 --> 00:12:11,469
put up a force field
for you.
335
00:12:11,600 --> 00:12:13,907
She's not here.
She went to Costco.
336
00:12:14,037 --> 00:12:15,299
Eep.
337
00:12:15,430 --> 00:12:17,693
Now, open up
that force field,
338
00:12:17,824 --> 00:12:19,869
or we're all
gonna get blown to bits!
339
00:12:20,000 --> 00:12:21,741
[groans]
340
00:12:24,961 --> 00:12:28,269
Guys! I made a big dent inmy paperwork and earned a break!
341
00:12:28,399 --> 00:12:29,966
Can I play Davy Crockett
with you?
342
00:12:30,097 --> 00:12:32,273
Klaus loser.
343
00:12:32,403 --> 00:12:33,709
[laughs]
344
00:12:33,840 --> 00:12:35,755
Rogu's in there
with you guys?!
345
00:12:35,885 --> 00:12:37,844
Everything sucks
since he got here!
346
00:12:37,974 --> 00:12:40,455
He's supposed to be helping
with Roger's personas!
347
00:12:40,585 --> 00:12:41,804
Roger!
348
00:12:41,935 --> 00:12:44,938
Rogu isn't doing
his job!
349
00:12:45,068 --> 00:12:46,853
[gulping]
350
00:12:49,551 --> 00:12:50,944
[slurring] I did it.
351
00:12:51,074 --> 00:12:53,903
I finished
the "Drinks of Dublin Tour."
352
00:12:54,034 --> 00:12:56,210
Now take my picture
and put it on the wall!
353
00:12:58,560 --> 00:13:00,431
Wait, wait, wait.
Which is better?
354
00:13:00,562 --> 00:13:01,911
Like this...
355
00:13:02,042 --> 00:13:02,825
or like this?
356
00:13:02,956 --> 00:13:04,435
[belches]
357
00:13:04,566 --> 00:13:06,568
-[vomits]
-[camera shutter clicks]
358
00:13:08,875 --> 00:13:10,311
Just lovely.
359
00:13:10,441 --> 00:13:11,486
Hayley.
360
00:13:11,616 --> 00:13:13,314
I know this is
a nice escape,
361
00:13:13,444 --> 00:13:15,359
but you can't spend
all your time
362
00:13:15,490 --> 00:13:18,101
with a bunch of losers
at a fake Irish bar.
363
00:13:18,232 --> 00:13:19,450
No offense, Jason.
364
00:13:19,581 --> 00:13:20,451
None taken.
365
00:13:20,582 --> 00:13:21,801
This is just part-time
366
00:13:21,931 --> 00:13:23,759
while I plan
my terrorist stuff.
367
00:13:23,890 --> 00:13:26,240
I told you,
being here for happy hour
368
00:13:26,370 --> 00:13:28,503
is all the escape
a wife should need.
369
00:13:28,633 --> 00:13:31,680
I get it, Mom!
You're the perfect wife!
370
00:13:31,811 --> 00:13:33,856
You know exactly
how many hours a day
371
00:13:33,987 --> 00:13:36,511
to avoid your husband
at the airport bar.
372
00:13:36,641 --> 00:13:38,339
You're
June [bleep] Cleaver!
373
00:13:38,469 --> 00:13:40,776
Oh!
References, huh?
374
00:13:40,907 --> 00:13:42,778
All right,
Pauly Shore,
375
00:13:42,909 --> 00:13:45,912
let's get you back
to Shutter Island.
376
00:13:46,042 --> 00:13:47,043
Boo!
377
00:13:47,174 --> 00:13:48,566
Pbbbbbbht!
378
00:13:48,697 --> 00:13:50,481
That's your
best comeback?
379
00:13:50,612 --> 00:13:51,700
Millennials!
380
00:13:51,831 --> 00:13:53,006
Right, Jason?
381
00:13:53,136 --> 00:13:55,530
Right! Blow 'em sky high,
I say!
382
00:13:55,660 --> 00:13:56,531
What?
383
00:13:56,661 --> 00:13:57,706
Good night!
384
00:13:58,707 --> 00:14:00,883
385
00:14:01,014 --> 00:14:02,276
[pills rattle]
386
00:14:02,406 --> 00:14:04,017
Wake up, sleepyhead.
387
00:14:04,147 --> 00:14:05,932
I'm sure you're feeling
a little ragged,
388
00:14:06,062 --> 00:14:08,064
but it's almost noon.
389
00:14:08,195 --> 00:14:09,065
[gasps]
390
00:14:09,196 --> 00:14:10,893
You got Rogu'd.
391
00:14:11,024 --> 00:14:12,416
Every damn time!
392
00:14:13,417 --> 00:14:14,331
What is this?
393
00:14:14,462 --> 00:14:16,333
Real life.
394
00:14:16,464 --> 00:14:19,510
HAYLEY: Dear Mom,
I thought about what you said.
395
00:14:19,641 --> 00:14:22,818
You're right. Happy hour
should be enough for a wife.
396
00:14:22,949 --> 00:14:25,038
Oh, wow.
I got through to her.
397
00:14:25,168 --> 00:14:27,083
Keep reading.
398
00:14:27,214 --> 00:14:29,651
HAYLEY:
But it'snot enough for me.
399
00:14:29,781 --> 00:14:31,871
Youare better
at being married than I am.
400
00:14:32,001 --> 00:14:34,003
I shouldn't evenbe married.
401
00:14:34,134 --> 00:14:36,092
So, I'm escaping
to where no one can find me.
402
00:14:36,223 --> 00:14:39,791
The original O'Rrivals
in Ireland, Europe.
403
00:14:39,922 --> 00:14:41,576
-Ohh!
-HAYLEY: P.S.
404
00:14:41,706 --> 00:14:44,753
Rogu is allowed to eat
as much raw pasta as he wants.
405
00:14:44,884 --> 00:14:47,364
Rogu, I know
you wrote that last part.
406
00:14:47,495 --> 00:14:48,888
Bwaaah-ha!
407
00:14:49,018 --> 00:14:51,891
HAYLEY:
Flying to Ireland.
408
00:14:52,021 --> 00:14:53,893
That's what I should've done!
409
00:14:54,023 --> 00:14:56,373
I was in an airport all week.
410
00:14:56,504 --> 00:14:58,680
I, too, should
be flying to Ireland.
411
00:14:58,810 --> 00:14:59,768
I'm a pilot.
412
00:14:59,899 --> 00:15:01,770
I like handles, not wheels.
413
00:15:01,901 --> 00:15:03,815
I like radar, not sonar.
414
00:15:03,946 --> 00:15:06,993
I wanna be up with the stars,
not down with the starfish!
415
00:15:07,123 --> 00:15:08,777
I should be sailing!
416
00:15:08,908 --> 00:15:12,389
I like fishing nets,
not Gogo Inflight Internet!
417
00:15:12,520 --> 00:15:14,652
BOTH:
But we both like galleys.
418
00:15:18,134 --> 00:15:20,223
[ship horn blows]
419
00:15:20,354 --> 00:15:23,226
Wow.
My adventure begins.
420
00:15:23,357 --> 00:15:24,924
None of my troubles
can find me here.
421
00:15:25,054 --> 00:15:26,621
Not Jeff, not Mom,
422
00:15:26,751 --> 00:15:30,146
not even that infernal Rogu,
the King of Pranks.
423
00:15:30,277 --> 00:15:32,583
Oh, I can't waitto get to the original O'Rrivals
424
00:15:32,714 --> 00:15:34,716
and party my tits off!
425
00:15:35,717 --> 00:15:37,588
-[coughing]
-'Sup, party people?!
426
00:15:37,719 --> 00:15:39,242
My lucky charms!
427
00:15:39,373 --> 00:15:40,852
Freckle freaks!
428
00:15:40,983 --> 00:15:42,811
My Irish ragers!
429
00:15:42,942 --> 00:15:45,161
I hope it's happy hour!
430
00:15:45,292 --> 00:15:46,467
What?
431
00:15:46,597 --> 00:15:48,121
You know -- happy hour.
432
00:15:48,251 --> 00:15:49,949
Where the drinks are cheap
and the apps are half off.
433
00:15:50,079 --> 00:15:51,298
Ah.
434
00:15:51,428 --> 00:15:54,127
Around here,
we call it "sad hour."
435
00:15:54,257 --> 00:15:57,086
'Cause that's when we take
a two-hour break to be sad
436
00:15:57,217 --> 00:15:59,480
instead of
bone-crushingly depressed.
437
00:15:59,610 --> 00:16:00,960
Kewl-kewl!
438
00:16:01,090 --> 00:16:02,744
Beer and a slippery nip,
please.
439
00:16:02,874 --> 00:16:04,267
I'm gonna get
the lay of the land
440
00:16:04,398 --> 00:16:06,487
from the local folks.
441
00:16:07,967 --> 00:16:09,620
Why the frown,
James Brown?
442
00:16:09,751 --> 00:16:12,188
The bank took
my family farm.
443
00:16:12,319 --> 00:16:15,191
I hear ya. My husband's
been wearing a stupid hat.
444
00:16:15,322 --> 00:16:16,497
-[glasses clink]
-To us!
445
00:16:16,627 --> 00:16:18,281
Why so sad, Sinbad?
446
00:16:18,412 --> 00:16:19,456
Me wife left me.
447
00:16:19,587 --> 00:16:21,110
That's nothing.
448
00:16:21,241 --> 00:16:23,417
My husband's obsessed
with his canoe.
449
00:16:23,547 --> 00:16:24,853
[glasses clink]
450
00:16:24,984 --> 00:16:27,334
Why the sorrow,
Benicio del Toro?
451
00:16:27,464 --> 00:16:29,031
Cat got your tongue,
Connie Chung?
452
00:16:29,162 --> 00:16:30,641
Cancertook her tongue.
453
00:16:30,772 --> 00:16:32,339
I wanted
a slippery nipple.
454
00:16:32,469 --> 00:16:35,646
And Iwanted a face shape
that's good for sunglasses,
455
00:16:35,777 --> 00:16:37,735
but life is cruel.
456
00:16:37,866 --> 00:16:38,910
Jukebox!
457
00:16:39,041 --> 00:16:40,260
Let's kick this up
a notch.
458
00:16:40,390 --> 00:16:42,088
It only plays this song.
459
00:16:42,218 --> 00:16:44,133
That and Ireland's
national anthem --
460
00:16:44,264 --> 00:16:45,439
"Steal My Sunshine."
461
00:16:45,569 --> 00:16:46,918
O...kay.
462
00:16:47,049 --> 00:16:48,311
You guys are bummers!
463
00:16:48,442 --> 00:16:50,096
[gasps]
I know what you need.
464
00:16:50,226 --> 00:16:52,533
A little secret
my mom taught me.
465
00:16:52,663 --> 00:16:53,708
Lady shove!
466
00:16:53,838 --> 00:16:55,231
I was lying on the grass
467
00:16:55,362 --> 00:16:58,756
Of Sunday morning
of last week
468
00:16:58,887 --> 00:16:59,757
We're doing it!
469
00:16:59,888 --> 00:17:01,890
...in my self-defeat
470
00:17:05,459 --> 00:17:07,113
Hey, Mrs. S,
471
00:17:07,243 --> 00:17:09,506
I know you said Hayley went out
to get me a toy,
472
00:17:09,637 --> 00:17:10,986
but I'm getting
worried.
473
00:17:11,117 --> 00:17:12,466
It's been
seven mailmans.
474
00:17:12,596 --> 00:17:15,164
Jeff, have a snack
and stop worrying.
475
00:17:17,166 --> 00:17:18,124
Mmm.
476
00:17:18,254 --> 00:17:19,342
Thanks, Mrs. S.
477
00:17:19,473 --> 00:17:21,040
This is waybetter
than worrying.
478
00:17:21,170 --> 00:17:22,302
Wait a second.
479
00:17:22,432 --> 00:17:24,608
Did you...
actually stop worrying?
480
00:17:24,739 --> 00:17:26,219
Yeah.
You told me to.
481
00:17:26,349 --> 00:17:27,133
Huh.
482
00:17:27,263 --> 00:17:29,135
Jeff, sit down.
483
00:17:29,265 --> 00:17:30,962
Stand up.
484
00:17:31,093 --> 00:17:32,399
-Be happy.
-[chuckles]
485
00:17:32,529 --> 00:17:34,009
-Be sad.
-[whimpers]
486
00:17:34,140 --> 00:17:35,271
Be Larry King.
487
00:17:35,402 --> 00:17:36,794
[deep voice]
Boston, you're on the air.
488
00:17:36,925 --> 00:17:38,231
Stan! Come here!
489
00:17:38,361 --> 00:17:39,406
STAN: You can't tell me
what to do!
490
00:17:39,536 --> 00:17:42,496
Exactly.
He neverdoes what I say.
491
00:17:42,626 --> 00:17:44,237
But youdo!
492
00:17:44,367 --> 00:17:46,282
Pack your bags.
We're going to get Hayley.
493
00:17:46,413 --> 00:17:47,762
[normal voice]
Gotcha, Mrs. S!
494
00:17:47,892 --> 00:17:49,720
Wait.
Pack mybags, too.
495
00:17:49,851 --> 00:17:52,158
Will do. How many staplers
do you want to bring?
496
00:17:52,288 --> 00:17:55,161
Never mind.
I'll pack for both of us.
497
00:17:55,291 --> 00:17:57,163
Like with
all my Barry Manilow albums,
498
00:17:57,293 --> 00:17:59,208
there's really gonna
be room for staplers.
499
00:18:01,993 --> 00:18:03,299
More deserters.
500
00:18:03,430 --> 00:18:05,171
We're the last two men
at the Alamo.
501
00:18:05,301 --> 00:18:07,651
Rogu love dessert.
502
00:18:07,782 --> 00:18:10,567
Remember the a la mode.
503
00:18:10,698 --> 00:18:12,569
Rogu, everything's a joke
to you,
504
00:18:12,700 --> 00:18:14,136
and I don't mind that.
505
00:18:14,267 --> 00:18:16,791
506
00:18:16,921 --> 00:18:20,186
Why so weepy,
Meryl Streepy?
507
00:18:20,316 --> 00:18:22,318
Well, the fight was fun,
and it was cool
508
00:18:22,449 --> 00:18:24,407
when that nun started
swinging that chain around,
509
00:18:24,538 --> 00:18:26,192
but now
I just feel empty.
510
00:18:26,322 --> 00:18:29,804
I miss Jeff, even if
he canbe a pain in the ass.
511
00:18:29,934 --> 00:18:31,240
I'm going home.
512
00:18:31,371 --> 00:18:32,981
You're not going
anywhere.
513
00:18:33,112 --> 00:18:34,374
You broke my jukebox.
514
00:18:34,504 --> 00:18:36,245
You have to work off
what you owe me --
515
00:18:36,376 --> 00:18:39,118
4,500 Irish Money Units.
516
00:18:39,248 --> 00:18:41,163
Well,
that's a bummer...
517
00:18:41,294 --> 00:18:42,556
...Christopher Plummer.
518
00:18:42,686 --> 00:18:43,774
JEFF: Babe!
519
00:18:43,905 --> 00:18:45,080
Jeff!
520
00:18:45,211 --> 00:18:46,429
What are you guys
doing here?
521
00:18:46,560 --> 00:18:48,257
I came to say
I'm sorry.
522
00:18:48,388 --> 00:18:49,432
For what?
523
00:18:49,563 --> 00:18:51,130
For giving you
bad advice.
524
00:18:51,260 --> 00:18:54,350
I told you the only way
to be happy in your marriage
525
00:18:54,481 --> 00:18:56,135
was to have an escape.
526
00:18:56,265 --> 00:18:57,614
But that's mymarriage.
527
00:18:57,745 --> 00:19:01,009
When your dad annoys me,
I can't stop him.
528
00:19:01,140 --> 00:19:02,619
That's why
I have to get away.
529
00:19:02,750 --> 00:19:05,361
But Jeff --
if hestarts to annoy you,
530
00:19:05,492 --> 00:19:06,667
just tell him
what you want.
531
00:19:06,797 --> 00:19:08,190
It's not that simple,
Mrs. S.
532
00:19:08,321 --> 00:19:09,191
Corner.
533
00:19:09,322 --> 00:19:10,932
Love to be where
those two walls meet!
534
00:19:11,062 --> 00:19:13,587
See? You're gonna be happy
when you come home
535
00:19:13,717 --> 00:19:15,719
if you just tell Jeff
what to do.
536
00:19:15,850 --> 00:19:17,068
Now let's go.
537
00:19:17,199 --> 00:19:18,374
BARTENDER:
She can't go anywhere.
538
00:19:18,505 --> 00:19:21,638
Not until I get
my 4,500 McBucks.
539
00:19:21,769 --> 00:19:23,640
This dude's hella dead.
540
00:19:23,771 --> 00:19:25,251
Hold my Fitbit.
541
00:19:25,381 --> 00:19:28,167
Actually, no. I want credit
for this ass-kicking.
542
00:19:28,297 --> 00:19:30,299
JEFF [chuckling]:Are you guys seeing this corner?
543
00:19:30,430 --> 00:19:31,170
Wait a second, Mom.
544
00:19:31,300 --> 00:19:33,084
Maybe
there's another way.
545
00:19:33,215 --> 00:19:35,870
Hi. I'm Jeff. I work here
because my wife asked me to.
546
00:19:36,000 --> 00:19:37,393
I'm not allowed
to bring up leprechauns.
547
00:19:37,524 --> 00:19:39,308
Can I take your order?
548
00:19:39,439 --> 00:19:41,397
That was good, but you still
mentioned the leprechauns.
549
00:19:41,528 --> 00:19:43,747
I saw one in the urinal!
It bit me!
550
00:19:43,878 --> 00:19:45,184
I think you're right.
551
00:19:45,314 --> 00:19:47,316
Jeff will do fine
working off your debt.
552
00:19:47,447 --> 00:19:49,231
And all you had to do
was tell him to.
553
00:19:49,362 --> 00:19:51,190
Thanks for
taking my place.
554
00:19:51,320 --> 00:19:53,496
I love you.
Remember that.
555
00:19:53,627 --> 00:19:55,194
And that's
a Goddamn order.
556
00:19:55,324 --> 00:19:56,847
I love you, too.
557
00:19:56,978 --> 00:19:59,459
Because I may be
a moron...
558
00:20:02,201 --> 00:20:03,332
Yes?
559
00:20:03,506 --> 00:20:04,638
Yes.
560
00:20:10,644 --> 00:20:12,559
Mom, you're back!
561
00:20:12,689 --> 00:20:14,256
Enemy reinforcements,
Rogu.
562
00:20:14,387 --> 00:20:16,302
The Alamo
must not fall!
563
00:20:17,607 --> 00:20:21,872
Rogu going to Hell,
but he not going alone.
564
00:20:22,003 --> 00:20:23,309
[screaming manically]
565
00:20:23,439 --> 00:20:25,441
One more drink
at O'Rrivals?
566
00:20:25,572 --> 00:20:26,486
Why stop at one?
567
00:20:26,616 --> 00:20:28,357
ROGU:
[screaming continues]
568
00:20:29,532 --> 00:20:32,361
STEVE:
Why do you keep leaving?!
569
00:20:32,492 --> 00:20:34,363
Have a great night.
570
00:20:36,539 --> 00:20:37,975
--Captions by VITAC--
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