Original subtitles

Remind me if I ever get married again

to actually buy the photos

instead of just keeping the photographer's samples.

[thudding, shattering]

God. What are they up to now?

Stan and Jeff?

Not 100% sure,

but I think they're planning a surprise for me.

Because whenever I come around,

they stop talking and leave the room.

Babe! We're going on a bear hunt!

Oh, God.

It's one of the ones where they're friends.

Jeff and I are playing Davy Crockett,

and murdering bears is a central part of that.

That and the fashion, obviously.

I'm Davy, he's Crockett.

How 'bout that, Hayley?

Two city gals like us, married to real frontiersmen.

What are you talking about?

Those two have been insufferable

ever since they watched that Mr. Rogersepisode

about "imagination."

Mm-mm.

You know that Fred Rogers can get down.

He could take his shoes off and keep going.

Geez, Mom.

Fine! Who's at the top of yourPBS bang list?

I bet you're a Sesame Streetgirl.

Cookie Monster -- so obvious.

That guy in the trash can -- he's pretty hot.

Oh, I know.

You want Bert and Ernie -- two for one.

That's good value, Hayley.

Geez, Mom.

Relax.

Someday, you'll be having the same conversation

with yourdaughter.

[patriotic music plays]

Good morning, U.S.A.

I got a feelin' that it's gonna be a wonderful day

The sun in the sky has a smile on his face

And he's shinin' a salute to the American race

Oh, boy, it's swell to say

- Good -- - Good morning, U.S.A.

Aah!

Good morning, U.S.A.

You'd probably want to get with The Count.

You love guys with accents.

You get all shy whenever we go into that cellphone store.

-[door opens] -[coughs]

Did you get sprayed by a skunk?

[laughing] Yeah, but I got to tickle it

for five whole seconds first.

Well, at least you told the truth.

Which means...

[sighs]

I owe you a Matchbox car.

I like Hot Wheels!

How many times do I have to tell you?!

-[door slams] -I'm losing my mind.

Well, husbands are a lot of work.

It doesn't seem to affect you.

I mean, Dad is running around

in a hat he madefrom Steve's Rocket Raccoon toy.

STEVE: He did what?!

You're right, Hayley. I don'tlet it get to me.

And if you want, I can let you in

on a little secret that's helped me.

Please do.

I'm better at being married than you are.

What?!

I have lots of little secrets.

Like this bullfrog I keep in my hair.

His name is Clarke Michael Duncan.

Cold, cold, cold, cold, cold!

-[click, whirring] -Ooh, is someone bathing --

Oh, it's Jeff. Gross.

[sighs] Welp, back to standing silently

in the dark garage.

[click, whirring]

[door opens, closes]

[sighs] Mom, can you help me wash the skunk off Jeff?

He's being really squirmy.

Sorry, Hayley. I'm headed to Costco.

Oh, great.

Can you pick up those big cans of tomato juice

to get the skunk out?

Ooh, sorry.

This trip is just to pick up

two flats of Dan Brown hardbacks.

They burn so much cleaner than firewood.

But could you still --

Uh... Eep, eep, eep!

[vehicle approaches, horn honks]

[vehicle door opens]

-Another clean getaway! -[vehicle door closes]

[sighs] What would I do without my eeps?

[engine revs]

Why did she get on an airport shuttle?

Jeff, you're in charge of cleaning your own privates.

-[engine starts, tires squeal]-That's too much responsibility!

[click, whirring]

I'ma responsible guy.

[tires screech]

[keys jangling]

Park it!

You got it!

That's how airports work!

How did that woman go through without a ticket?

She's part of our Airport Angels program.

They assist people to their gatewho want help.

And they do it all for nothing,

except for the complimentary Toblerone from Duty Free.

They say shape doesn't make a difference,

but I think triangles taste better.

Great, great. Where do I sign upfor this Airport Angel B.S.?

Where did Mom go?

How the [bleep] would I know?

I'm just a sweet old lady.

Ooh, there she is!

Hey, you idiot!

I'm supposed to be going to China, not Albuquerque!

Oh!

Oh, it all worked out!

I get to ride with my bags

and have access to all my hair gels and salsas!

Thank you, Airport Angel!

[gulping]

Mom?

Eep, eep, eep --

[muffled] Eep, eep, eep!

You're not gonna eep your way out of this one.

What the hell is going on?

Look, I never thought I'd be caught here,

but in case I was, I worked up a little song.

Hit it, Larry.

[upbeat music plays]

Being a wife in the world today

Sure can drain your soul

Your husband and your children suck

And your alien's an asshole

Alien? You have an alien?

Sometimes you should escape

To a crappy airport bar

Where husbands don't know where you are

Eep, eep, eep, eep, eep, eep, eep, eep

Did you know these napkins are exact replicas

of the ones they use

in the original O'Rrivals in Ireland?

Why would I know that?

Wait. O'Rrivals is a chain?

I thought it was just a bad pun.

Oh, no.

The flagship is in Dublin.

And it's a goodpun.

Look, my photo's on the wall.

I got it from completing the "Drinks of Dublin Tour."

Sometimes you should escape

Where all the taps lead to Bud Lite

And the pilots get drunk pre-flight

Plastic forks and metal spoons

No one's quite sure why

But things are so much simpler here

In Terminal Five

-[song ends] -Thisis your secret to being a patient wife?

Yes! It's so easy!

[scoffs] I can't believe you said

you were better at being married than me.

Come on, Hayley. Give me this one thing.

You're so much better at everything else.

Like what?!

Like the stuff that matters.

You have the Galagahigh score at the deli.

Don't you think that burns me up at night?!

That's Hayley Schmitterhaus!

She was abducted eight years agoselling Girl Scout cookies.

Oh. Well, that makes me feel a little better.

Wait.

Are you the Hayley

on the Frogger at the laundromat?

Yeah, that one's me.

10th place. Terrible score!

Let me give you some advice.

In Frogger,some of those logs are alligators.

Chomp, chomp.

[cellphone chimes]

Oh. Jeff sat on his balls.

And he doesn't know what to do.

"Stand...up."

[cellphone bloops]

Pull up a stool, girl.

Jeff's floppy balls will be there when you get home.

How do youknow Jeff's balls are floppy?

I can hear 'em.

We probably don't need to bring

three different flavors of Triscuits, do we?

You never know which flavor's gonna give you the edge

when you tango with the big brown man.

-Is that what you call bears? -Correct.

Jeff, where did all my underwear go?

Jeff, I'll get more supplies

while you negotiate with this fur trapper.

[whispering] I'm pretending Hayley's a French-Canadian fur trapper.

Time to negotiate.

I'll give you $50.

God, I hate this.

Come on!

I dressed Steve up as a bear

and told him we were playing hide-and-seek.

That looked like a real arrow.

A-Are they gonna hunt Steve?

Yes. And you know Steve's just loving all the attention.

Shuttle's here!

[sighs]

What is it, hon?

Don't get me wrong. I-I love booze.

But all I can think about

is how Jeff stretched out all my underwear,

making them into slingshots.

I think it was your ass that did that.

-Mom! -Lighten up, fat-ass!

That's how we razz at O'Rrivals!

Is there a place I can plug in my laptop?

See? Hegets it.

Hayley, this is our escape.

You need to unwind!

That's what I'm trying to do!

Well, I guess we need to step it up.

Ow! Why would you do that?!

Because when drinking doesn't work,

there's nothing like a bar fight

to make the rest of the world fade away.

Oh, okay. Let's rumble.

[grunts]

Let the bitch out of the box, Hayles!

I don't see how this is gonna help.

Do it. You'll feel better.

-[grunts] -Nice one!

[thud]

That feels amazing! Who's next?

I-I'm just trying to get to Wisconsin

to bury my mother!

Not on mywatch.

[Irish folk music plays]

This is great, Mom!

Hey, we're gonna need two more beers.

You got it, but happy hour's over.

-[music stops] -Happy hour's over.

That's our cue to go.

What? Why?

I-I was just starting to unwind.

Yeah, and that's all you need.

I mean, don't you feel you could go home

and deal with Jeff now?

You know what? I do.

He accidentally saw Tuttle's penis the other day,

and I feel like I'm finally ready

to have a frank talk with him about it.

It's really --

I-I can see he's thinking about it a lot.

Attagirl!

And don't worry. We'll be back here tomorrow.

Okay.

What airline you flying, chump?

[groaning] Frontier.

Good.

They'll finish the job.

JEFF: Hey, babe, I owe you one tube of toothpaste.

Needed it to seal our canoe.

Damn it, Jeff.

Well, joke's on him.

I don't use toothpaste.

JEFF: Oh, hey, babe. I owe you one toothbrush.

Needed it for brushing my teeth in the canoe.

Ugh! This canoe is hounding me!

But at least I still have my trusty tampons.

I'll just brush my teeth with one of those.

Little trick I read in Vogue.

Right, ladies?

[ding!]

JEFF: Me again, babe.

I owe you a hundred tampoons.

I used a bottle of nail polish to paint them red

'cause I needed dynamite...

...to blow up my canoe.

-Daaahh! -Whoa, whoa, whoa!

You're not gonna destroy that box, are you?

Relax. I could sit on that

while I'm waiting for something to happen.

[sniffing]

Damn! Your breath is kickin', girl.

Ever heard of tampons?

[insects chirping]

ROGU: Water.

[gulping]

Look! Rogu found water!

[rustling]

On your toes, men.

We're deep in bear country.

[growling]

-That sounds like a real bear! -Run!

[rustling, growling continue]

[belches]

Just crushed 38 O'Doul's.

That's equal to two Coors Lights.

That's like one Corona.

I'm feelin' it!

Aww. Is that a little coonskin cap?

Rat skin.

You're sending my ovaries into hyperdrive.

How'd you like a little sister?

Rogu eat sister.

[laughing] O-Only you, Rogu.

Francine! There's a bear outside!

It sounded big and mean and wanted to eat us!

Ooh, sounds scary!

Wanna hide under the covers?

Uh-huh.

Can you put up the force field?

Force field up.

Make the sound.

Zzh-zzh-zzh-zzh-zzh- Zzh-zzh-zzh-zzh-zzh.

[sighs]

[snoring]

What about me, Mrs. S?

Go to yourroom and have Hayley

put up a force field for you.

She's not here. She went to Costco.

Eep.

Now, open up that force field,

or we're all gonna get blown to bits!

[groans]

Guys! I made a big dent inmy paperwork and earned a break!

Can I play Davy Crockett with you?

Klaus loser.

[laughs]

Rogu's in there with you guys?!

Everything sucks since he got here!

He's supposed to be helping with Roger's personas!

Roger!

Rogu isn't doing his job!

[gulping]

[slurring] I did it.

I finished the "Drinks of Dublin Tour."

Now take my picture and put it on the wall!

Wait, wait, wait. Which is better?

Like this...

or like this?

[belches]

-[vomits] -[camera shutter clicks]

Just lovely.

Hayley.

I know this is a nice escape,

but you can't spend all your time

with a bunch of losers at a fake Irish bar.

No offense, Jason.

None taken.

This is just part-time

while I plan my terrorist stuff.

I told you, being here for happy hour

is all the escape a wife should need.

I get it, Mom! You're the perfect wife!

You know exactly how many hours a day

to avoid your husband at the airport bar.

You're June [bleep] Cleaver!

Oh! References, huh?

All right, Pauly Shore,

let's get you back to Shutter Island.

Boo!

Pbbbbbbht!

That's your best comeback?

Millennials!

Right, Jason?

Right! Blow 'em sky high, I say!

What?

Good night!

[pills rattle]

Wake up, sleepyhead.

I'm sure you're feeling a little ragged,

but it's almost noon.

[gasps]

You got Rogu'd.

Every damn time!

What is this?

Real life.

HAYLEY: Dear Mom, I thought about what you said.

You're right. Happy hour should be enough for a wife.

Oh, wow. I got through to her.

Keep reading.

HAYLEY: But it'snot enough for me.

Youare better at being married than I am.

I shouldn't evenbe married.

So, I'm escaping to where no one can find me.

The original O'Rrivals in Ireland, Europe.

-Ohh! -HAYLEY: P.S.

Rogu is allowed to eat as much raw pasta as he wants.

Rogu, I know you wrote that last part.

Bwaaah-ha!

HAYLEY: Flying to Ireland.

That's what I should've done!

I was in an airport all week.

I, too, should be flying to Ireland.

I'm a pilot.

I like handles, not wheels.

I like radar, not sonar.

I wanna be up with the stars, not down with the starfish!

I should be sailing!

I like fishing nets, not Gogo Inflight Internet!

BOTH: But we both like galleys.

[ship horn blows]

Wow. My adventure begins.

None of my troubles can find me here.

Not Jeff, not Mom,

not even that infernal Rogu, the King of Pranks.

Oh, I can't waitto get to the original O'Rrivals

and party my tits off!

-[coughing] -'Sup, party people?!

My lucky charms!

Freckle freaks!

My Irish ragers!

I hope it's happy hour!

What?

You know -- happy hour.

Where the drinks are cheap and the apps are half off.

Ah.

Around here, we call it "sad hour."

'Cause that's when we take a two-hour break to be sad

instead of bone-crushingly depressed.

Kewl-kewl!

Beer and a slippery nip, please.

I'm gonna get the lay of the land

from the local folks.

Why the frown, James Brown?

The bank took my family farm.

I hear ya. My husband's been wearing a stupid hat.

-[glasses clink] -To us!

Why so sad, Sinbad?

Me wife left me.

That's nothing.

My husband's obsessed with his canoe.

[glasses clink]

Why the sorrow, Benicio del Toro?

Cat got your tongue, Connie Chung?

Cancertook her tongue.

I wanted a slippery nipple.

And Iwanted a face shape that's good for sunglasses,

but life is cruel.

Jukebox!

Let's kick this up a notch.

It only plays this song.

That and Ireland's national anthem --

"Steal My Sunshine."

O...kay.

You guys are bummers!

[gasps] I know what you need.

A little secret my mom taught me.

Lady shove!

I was lying on the grass

Of Sunday morning of last week

We're doing it!

...in my self-defeat

Hey, Mrs. S,

I know you said Hayley went out to get me a toy,

but I'm getting worried.

It's been seven mailmans.

Jeff, have a snack and stop worrying.

Mmm.

Thanks, Mrs. S.

This is waybetter than worrying.

Wait a second.

Did you... actually stop worrying?

Yeah. You told me to.

Huh.

Jeff, sit down.

Stand up.

-Be happy. -[chuckles]

-Be sad. -[whimpers]

Be Larry King.

[deep voice] Boston, you're on the air.

Stan! Come here!

STAN: You can't tell me what to do!

Exactly. He neverdoes what I say.

But youdo!

Pack your bags. We're going to get Hayley.

[normal voice] Gotcha, Mrs. S!

Wait. Pack mybags, too.

Will do. How many staplers do you want to bring?

Never mind. I'll pack for both of us.

Like with all my Barry Manilow albums,

there's really gonna be room for staplers.

More deserters.

We're the last two men at the Alamo.

Rogu love dessert.

Remember the a la mode.

Rogu, everything's a joke to you,

and I don't mind that.

Why so weepy, Meryl Streepy?

Well, the fight was fun, and it was cool

when that nun started swinging that chain around,

but now I just feel empty.

I miss Jeff, even if he canbe a pain in the ass.

I'm going home.

You're not going anywhere.

You broke my jukebox.

You have to work off what you owe me --

4,500 Irish Money Units.

Well, that's a bummer...

...Christopher Plummer.

JEFF: Babe!

Jeff!

What are you guys doing here?

I came to say I'm sorry.

For what?

For giving you bad advice.

I told you the only way to be happy in your marriage

was to have an escape.

But that's mymarriage.

When your dad annoys me, I can't stop him.

That's why I have to get away.

But Jeff -- if hestarts to annoy you,

just tell him what you want.

It's not that simple, Mrs. S.

Corner.

Love to be where those two walls meet!

See? You're gonna be happy when you come home

if you just tell Jeff what to do.

Now let's go.

BARTENDER: She can't go anywhere.

Not until I get my 4,500 McBucks.

This dude's hella dead.

Hold my Fitbit.

Actually, no. I want credit for this ass-kicking.

JEFF [chuckling]:Are you guys seeing this corner?

Wait a second, Mom.

Maybe there's another way.

Hi. I'm Jeff. I work here because my wife asked me to.

I'm not allowed to bring up leprechauns.

Can I take your order?

That was good, but you still mentioned the leprechauns.

I saw one in the urinal! It bit me!

I think you're right.

Jeff will do fine working off your debt.

And all you had to do was tell him to.

Thanks for taking my place.

I love you. Remember that.

And that's a Goddamn order.

I love you, too.

Because I may be a moron...

Yes?

Yes.

Mom, you're back!

Enemy reinforcements, Rogu.

The Alamo must not fall!

Rogu going to Hell, but he not going alone.

[screaming manically]

One more drink at O'Rrivals?

Why stop at one?

ROGU: [screaming continues]

STEVE: Why do you keep leaving?!

Have a great night.

--Captions by VITAC--