Original subtitles

( upbeat piano theme playing )

Oh, my God.

Isn't that the guy from the soft drink commercial?

FAY: Oh, yeah. The construction worker who takes off his shirt.

He has the most incredible body.

Let's go meet...him.

Hi, I'm Helen Chapel.

Hi, I'm Alex Lambert

and we recognize you from your commercial.

Will you take off your shirt?

Helen. Sorry.

No, no, it's okay.

People ask me to do that all the time.

I don't mind.

You know, uh, I think the, uh, zipper's stuck.

Here, let me try to get it.

It's stuck on the fabric.

Oh, here, move over. Let me try.

Announcing final boarding

of Aeromass flight 23 to New York through Gate 1.

Time! We need more time.

No, I-- I'm really sorry.

I-I have to go.

Allow me.

Thank you so much.

Nice meeting you ladies.

Guess who.

And I'll give you a hint:

You, me and three naked cocktail waitresses

playing roulette on Aruba.

You'll have to be more specific.

Danny Quinn! Yes.

Brian. Danny Quinn!

Man, I can't believe this.

How the hell are you?

I'm great, but what about you?

A tie, a clipboard,

where's the pocket protector?

Hey, don't let the clothing fool you.

I'm just as crazy as ever, man.

Brian, your pencils came in. You were right, man.

Different colors was definitely the way to go.

Joey, you're not gonna believe who this is,

this is Danny Quinn.

Danny, this is my brother Joe.

How you doin', Danny?

This is your brother Joe? Yeah.

He doesn't look like such a dweeb.

Dweeb? D-did you know that Brian wet his bed until, uh--

I don't know. How are you doing with that?

So, what are you doing here, Danny?

Well, I was in Boston talking to my publisher...

Your who?

Check it out.

( laughing ): Oh, man.

Tequila Nights by Danny Quinn.

Yeah. It's about you and me

and all the wild times we had on the islands.

You gotta be kiddin' me.

They let you publish that stuff?

Here's your coffee, Joe. Thanks, Helen.

Hello, I'm Danny Quinn

and I'm a real close, close friend of Brian's.

Unless, of course, you hate him,

in which case, I do too.

( chuckles )

He's funny and tall.

( giggles )

Um, hi, I'm Helen Chapel.

And it's very nice to meet you.

That's very subtle, Helen.

Why don't you just club him over the head

and drag him back to your cave.

Wait a second, is this you?

Oh, yeah, Danny wrote that.

It's all about the wild times we had in the Caribbean.

Keep it, if you want, I've already read it.

And frankly, I find it rather pedestrian.

( laughs )

Well, great. I can't wait to--

Whoa-ho.

Hello.

That word sort of jumps out at ya, doesn't it?

Mm-hm.

Interesting local talent.

Uh, she's got a boyfriend.

What's on for tonight?

Hey, man, anything you wanna do?

I'm up for something.

In fact, there's a place on the island

that is perfect for you, crawling with women.

Just like the old days.

I'm for something.

Uh, damn, you know,

I just remembered my car's in the shop.

I got a car.

Hey, Joey, you wanna come with me and Danny tonight?

Oh, oh, you think I don't know what you're doing?

Just 'cause I've got a car,

now you're gonna invite me along.

Seven o'clock okay?

Yeah, it's great.

Oh, in fact, you know, we don't have anymore flights.

Let's get Joe and let's get outta here.

Excellent. Hey, babe.

Oh, hey. Hey, hey, Alex.

My girlfriend, right.

Hi, uh-- Alex, uh...

This is my old friend Danny Quinn,

This is my girlfriend Alex.

Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you.

Uh, wait a minute, Danny Quinn.

The Danny Quinn? The one who got you thrown in jail?

Hey, hey, hey, now.

She's the one that wanted to dance topless,

how were we supposed to know she was the ambassador's daughter?

Listen, Alex,

we've got a lot of catching up to do.

Can I borrow Brian for a few hours?

You don't have to ask her permission.

I can go, can't I?

Sure, just stay outta jail.

It was nice to meet you.

Nice meetin' you.

"Hot and flushed from lovemaking,

"Kiki dove naked off the boat,

"motioning Ryan to join her

in the warm, beckoning waters of the cove."

Put-- Put-- Put-- Put Kiki back on the boat and uh...

Read it again, slowly.

Whoa-ho-ho. Get a load of that.

Oh, boy, that could've been embarrassing,

I almost wore the same outfit today.

Oh, I don't believe it. It's Big Strong Man.

Who? Oh.

Yeah, I remember him from that TV show when we were kids.

Big Strong Man Big Strong Man

He lifts up stuff Just 'cause he can

Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, well, wonder what he's doing here.

You know, he was at the supermarket opening

this morning, signing autographs.

I-I invited him to lunch but I didn't think he was gonna show.

Hey, there.

Hey, Big Strong Man, I can't believe you're here.

I mean, you-- You really showed up.

But, wait a minute,

that's not how Big Strong Man comes on the scene.

Huh? Oh, yeah, yeah. All right.

Yahooey!

Say, that offer for lunch still good, little buddy?

I don't believe it.

I, Lowell Mather, am going to lunch with Big Strong Man.

That's right, son.

Uh, you did say you'd pay, right?

Hey, try and stop me.

( chuckles ): Great.

Uh, by the way, a little trouble finding a hotel room,

y-you think I could crash on your couch for a few days?

Are you kidding? Huh?

Sure. Oh, this is gonna be so cool.

I mean, we can stay up late,

we can tell stories.

Roast marshmallows.

Roast marshmallows, hey.

That's great. Uh, how you fixed for Scotch, by the way?

So, Danny, I was flipping through your book

and, uh, I gotta tell ya, I find it a little hard to believe

that you and this guy, here, took on four drunk Marines.

Drunk Marines?

Okay, so I embellished.

Actually, it was two optomologists.

And we were just fighting over a volleyball court.

Sure, easy for you to say.

I was the one who had to go toe-to-toe

with Dr. Irving Schenberg.

Hey, hey, guys. Look right over there.

DANNY: Ooh, very nice.

You've done well, brave scout.

Brian, remember the, uh, foreign tourist bit?

( laughs )

What--? What is that?

Women are suckers for men

with a foreign accent.

So we go up to them and we say that we're,

like, uh, from Australia

and we wanna see the fun places in town.

Come on, Brian. Let's show him.

This is gonna be great.

Well, what are you gonna do?

Pick up a girl and take her home to Alex?

Good point.

I'll do it.

All right.

All right, now, remember, we're Aussies, right?

Let's hear your accent.

Oh, oh, sure. Uh, let me see, uh...

( normal voice ): Stick a shrimp on the barbie.

Why don't you be my American friend.

I can do that.

Have fun, my boys.

( sighs )

Watch and learn.

You're about to witness a foolproof method

for picking up women.

That guy over there is a legend.

The tall one, not the dweeb.

Aw, oh, what's the matter?

You got shot down, huh?

Well, you tried, you tried.

What are you talking about?

It worked like a charm.

They actually bought me as an American.

As a matter of fact,

they want us to go to a party down at the beach.

Ooh, ooh, you know what, maybe I better

just go back home to Alex, huh?

Aw, poor Brian. We understand.

It's okay. Oh, wait a minute.

You got a little something

sticking out of your collar, here.

Oh, look, it's a leash.

Sta-- Come on, I know what you're trying to do.

You're trying to embarrass me into going out with ya.

Let me tell ya something...

It worked. Let's go.

ANTONIO: Hi, Lowell. Hey.

Where's your, uh--? Your superhero friend.

Oh, he just stopped off for beer and cigarettes.

You know, it's quite an honor to have Big Strong Man

staying at my house,

and eating all of my food,

and making long-distance calls on my phone.

I'm surprised he didn't make you sleep on the couch.

Uh, no, I wanted to.

You know, I mean, he's had severe back trouble

ever since episode 43, when he had to lift up

the entire city of Philadelphia.

Lowell, honey, he didn't actually lift up

the city of Philadelphia.

Excuse me, but I think I have the episode on tape.

How's it going, Big Strong Man?

Yahooey.

You know, I've been meaning to ask you,

where did you ever come up with that cool "Yahooey"?

Oh, well, it involved a trip to the doctor.

Big Strong Man had what later, thankfully,

turned out to be just a polyp.

So you wanna go have lunch, Big Strong Man?

Who's paying? I am.

Right behind you.

Uh, Big Strong Man, uh...

Ever tried using your superpowers to pick up a check?

Hey, I was gonna pay for his lunch,

I had a little trouble with the cash machine, huh?

What's your PIN number again?

Hey, Danny. Hey, man.

How are ya?

Brian, how ya doin'?

We had a great time last night.

Ah, the best.

Best time I've had in a long time.

Great, 'cause I just talked to my publisher

and she got me VIP passes

to a New York club opening tonight.

Hey, I'm there. Me too.

Hey, Brian, you've been out every night this week, man.

Yeah, do you really think Alex

is gonna let you out again tonight?

Let me out? Let me out.

What am I, a dog?

Hi.

Hey, hey, baby. Um...

Listen, Danny and Joey and I are gonna be doing

this club thing in New York tonight.

You're going out again tonight?

That's four nights in a row.

I know, but we didn't have any plans for tonight, did we?

Well, yeah, we did.

We were gonna go look for a new dinette set.

Come on.

Don't give me that look, it was your idea.

Yeah, I know, but-- But we can do that any night, can't we?

So you'd rather go to some club with Joe and Danny

than go with me to pick out a dinette set?

Is that a trick question?

You know what I mean.

Look, forget it.

You wanna go, go.

Great, great, great.

See, I told you I could go.

Hey, Lambert.

I'll help you pick out a dinette set.

Then we could mosey on down to the mattress department

and go for a test drive.

Then right after that we could stop by the cutlery department

and I could slit my wrists.

I can't believe Brian. He actually went.

And after you told him in no uncertain terms that he could.

Exactly. Why can't men understand

that "go" means "stay."

Well, I'll tell ya, if it were me,

I would have never let him go.

Especially after what happened

last time "Donny" and "Ryan" went to New York.

Chapter eight: Broadway, Bound and Gagged.

Ooh. I don't-- I don't think I read that chapter

Well, I don't wanna stop him from going out with his friends,

it just kinda hurt that, you know,

he wouldn't rather be with me.

Can you believe that he went to New York?

I mean, that Brian is like a child.

What-- What he really needs is a spanking.

Oh, so you did read chapter eight.

Mm... Hey.

Baby, what are you doing up so late, huh?

It's 8:00 in the morning.

Oh. What am I doing up so late?

Good night.

Brian, this isn't funny.

Where were you all night?

Oh, well, you know where I was.

I was in New York with Joey and Danny.

It was great.

You know, you could have called.

( sighs )

I know. I'm sorry.

I should have called.

I was up all night. I was worried sick.

Ba-- I-I said I was sorry, okay, Mom?

"Mom"?

( scoffs )

Alex, relax.

It's a little joke, little joke.

Do we have to do this now?

No, you're right. Let's not.

I'm gonna go to work, I'm gonna cool off.

We can talk about this tonight.

Oh, tonight, tonight.

Tonight's gonna be bad because Joey and Danny

were talking about us--

I don't believe this.

Five nights in a row?

Forget it.

Alex...

Baby, is there something wrong?

Yes. I can't decide whether to slap you or deck you.

Oh, for God's sake.

You know, I can't believe you're getting this upset

over a dinette set.

It's not about the stupid dinette set.

It was never about a stupid dinette set.

All right, then, I do know what this is about.

This is about, uh, you being worried

because when I was with Danny and Joey,

you thought I was fooling around, huh?

Actually, I wasn't worried about that

but since you brought it up, were you?

No.

No.

It's not like I didn't have the chance to.

Did you want to.

I-- Did I--?

It's a guy thing. You know, guys--

Guys want to but I didn't because I was,

you know, with you.

Oh, you say the sweetest things.

Ugh, look, if you're done scolding me,

I think I'll get some sleep.

Hey, what's going on here?

You wanna just go out and do whatever the hell you wanna do

and you want me to be here for you when you get home?

Alex. Alex.

Do you want to be

in this relationship or don't you?

( sighs )

I see.

Well, I'm gonna go to work now.

While I'm gone, pack up your stuff

and get the hell outta here.

Okay, fine. Fine, if that's what you want.

No, no.

That's what you want.

( door slams )

( moans )

"As the trade winds blew gently through her long,

"honey-blond hair, Ryan softly caressed her skin

which was still moist from their nude midnight swim."

( crying )

It's no fair.

Some men drink deep from the fountain of life

while Antonio takes one sip and it goes down the wrong pipe.

Boy, I sure am sorry you're leaving.

I was kinda getting used to having

my own Big Strong Man around the house.

Mm. ( chuckles )

You get it?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

That's a great joke, partner.

Fresh too.

Listen, I really wanna pay you back

for that farewell lunch, huh?

Ugh, another meal.

Looks like Big Strong Man has a big strong tapeworm.

Yeah. I ca-- I can't seem to find my wallet.

Well, maybe I can help you find it.

What's it look like?

My guess is brand new

and never been opened.

Look, Lowell, wake up.

This guy's a bum. He is a loser.

He's bleedin' you dry.

Hey, hang on a second, Roy.

You can't talk like that.

You know, it's not easy to be a superhero.

In real life, you don't have wires holding you up

when you go flying.

There's no pads to soften the blow

when the network replaces you

with your trusty sidekick Duckface.

I know he's not everything that he used to be

but I still owe this man a lot.

I mean, ever afternoon at 3:30, he was there for me,

protecting my little world.

I salute you, Big Strong Man.

Thank you, Joel.

Enh.

Well, Big Strong Man's gotta go.

I gotta work a bachelor party in Worcester.

Eh, don't even ask.

Here. You wanna sign this?

What's this?

Big Strong Thief just paid for his ticket

with your credit card.

Really?

Come back here, you bastard!

Good morning!

Little hung over?

Oh, please.

( slams )

Why are you doing this?

Because you called me at 3 a.m. in the morning

demanding to know the name of our 10th grade homeroom teacher.

I did not.

Yes, you did. You were convinced you saw her

turning tricks in front of the Chrysler building.

Really?

Oh, I'm sorry.

Helen, I think I could be sick at any moment.

Oh, I know how you feel.

I just finished your book.

Well, Danny, it just doesn't get any better than this.

There they are!

Hey, what are you two maniacs up to, huh?

Would you please give it a rest?

Just go someplace and let us die in peace.

Amateurs. Amateurs.

Hey, hey, we going back to that club tonight?

Pass.

What? Come on, what's with you guys?

Actually, Brian, I'm taking off.

What?

I'm getting a little too old for this.

Since when?

Since about an hour ago when I threw up that cocktail napkin.

Where is all this coming from?

You.

I mean, last night when we were at that party

and I was hitting on every beautiful woman in the room,

suddenly I looked over and I-- I envied you.

Envied me? Why?

Because no matter who I go home with,

you get to go home to Alex,

somebody who really cares for you.

Ugh. I don't believe this.

In fact, it started me thinking about my own relationship

and, who knows, if I put a little effort into it...

maybe it could turn into something really serious.

Oh, Joe, Joe.

I got this phone number last night.

She's blond, she's beautiful, she's yours.

Uh, well, unless it's the local Maalox rep, I'm not interested.

Well, take it easy, "Donny."

See ya, "Ryan."

Nice to finally meet you, Joe.

You too, Danny.

A little tip for ya:

Scotch and Kahlúa, not a real drink.

Hey, come on. We don't need him.

What do you say, you and me we go out tonight, huh?

Oh, man. Forget it.

Look, just go home and have

a nice quiet evening with Alex.

Well, what about this number?

"Marcy"?

Ugh, you kidding me?

I am so sick right now, I can barely walk.

Besides, I gotta take a flight.

People are always saying:

"Oh, Marcy, anyone can do electrolysis."

But that's not true.

There's a science to hair removal.

BRIAN: Oh, my God.

I just made the biggest mistake of my entire life.

If you don't grip the hair close to the follicle,

then the charge won't deaden the root and it'll grow back.

Dear, God, help me.

( Marcy talking indistinctly )

( doorbell rings )

( knock on door )

BRIAN: Alex?

Baby, wake up, it's me.

( knocking continues )

( doorbell rings )

Hey, Alex.

Hi.

What is it?

Oh, I didn't mean to wake you up,

uh, my key wouldn't work.

I had the locks changed.

Oh, well, okay. That's fine.

Understand. Understand that.

Listen, uh...

Is that my baseball trophy?

It looks like it was sawn in half.

Oh, right.

I must have dropped it.

Look, Brian-- No, no, no, no, no.

Please, uh, let me speak.

Uh, Alex, baby, I...

I screwed up big time.

I really did.

I-I'm an idiot.

It's just that Danny came to town

and I just got caught up in him, you know?

I-I never should have treated you like that.

And-- And you gotta believe me, I don't wanna see anybody else.

Ever.

Come on.

Come on, I know you.

You hate just as much as I do that we're apart, don't you?

Yes.

We were happy together.

I mean, we were really, really happy, right?

Yes. Well...

We don't wanna lose that, do we?

Brian, you're right, we were great together.

Great. We are, we are, we are.

So why don't we just try to forget what happened

and, uh, get back together, what do you say?

No.

( sighs )

( upbeat piano theme playing )