All language subtitles for Little Evil .2017.1080p.NF.WEB-DL.DDP5.1.H.264-GPRS

[thunder crashing]

[thunder crashing]

[grunts]

Gary?

Lucas?

[gasps]

Lucas?

What are you doing out here?
Where is your stepfather?

That's it!

Time out, young man! Time out!

[grunts]

Gary! Jesus Christ.

-[woman grunts]
-[whimpers]

Oh, my God, Gary! Are you okay?
Say something. Please, say something.

I... want... a divorce!

[bells ringing]

["Your Good Lovin'" playing]

♪ Just say the word ♪

♪ Oh, babe ♪

[chuckles] Dude, I can't believe
you're moving in with her.

I know, man.

But I'm all crazy up in her shit.

There ain't nothin' I can do.

Shit, man.

That's for real.

♪ You better believe ♪

♪ Believe ♪

♪ What I say is to say the words ♪

♪ I can't go on this way ♪

♪ I've got to have your good lovin' ♪

♪ I've got to have your good lovin' ♪

You're moving in with her?

Yes, I am.

In fact, I am all crazy up in her shit.

-Damn, homeboy, lock it down.
-[Gary chuckles]

-Gary! [chuckles]
-Hey.

Hi.

-[Gary laughs]
-Baby, but you're here. You're late.

I got worried that you got killed somehow.

Nope, I'm still alive.

Yo, yo, bad boy!

-Where you want this?
-What's up, Dwayne?

-You guys can put that in the garage.
-Got it.

Thanks. Thanks, guys.

-Made some friends, huh?
-Yeah, those guys are great.

Hey, where's Lucas?

I got him a little somethin',
wanna grease the wheels a bit.

You don't have to grease his wheels.
He is gonna love you for you.

Yeah, yeah, no, I know that.

-So... where is he?
-He's over on the swing.

Aw, there's my little buddy.

Y-You don't think the wedding
was too traumatic for him, do you?

Well, it was awful.

The famous Jubilee Downhill Derby's
coming up

and I thought Lucas and I
could make our own cart.

[chuckles] What?

Gary, this is amazing!

Yeah, I always wished my dad was around
to do this race with me.

Just a father and son shooting down
the mountain as fast as we can,

no engine, no brakes.

You two are gonna have so much fun.

Isn't that right, Lucas?

-Come here. Come see what Gary got you.
-Hey, buddy. Here. Check this out.

We can paint something really cool
on the side, like a flame.

Whoa, look at that.
You found some earthworms.

That's cool.

You know what those are good for
is fishing.

We can, uh--

Don't get discouraged.

It's just gonna take him
a little more time, that's all.

You know, Lucas is very... particular.

-No, I know he is. I love that about him.
-Yeah.

You know, I'm sorry
I didn't let you get to know him more.

I just-- I really wanted to be sure.

Well, you can be sure now.

-[chuckling] Gosh.
-What? What?

I just--

This is what I always wanted, you know?

A family. A real family.

Me too.

I swear,
I feel like the luckiest man alive.

Shh.

Don't say that. All right? It's not luck.

You're the one.

Come here.

The ice caps are melting.
The seas are rising.

This past year,
there's been a spike in global temperature

that even scientists cannot explain.

Some people believe
the prophecy of the end

is becoming all too real,

and the end times could be near.

Hope you like chocolate chip pancakes
with smiley faces.

...tell us how the end will come.
Reverend Gospel, thanks for coming.

Thank you for having me.

Hey, Gary,
um, I'm meeting with a C-L-O-W-N today,

and I was hoping that maybe
you could take Lucas to school.

You're meeting with a clown?

[whispering]
Gary, I don't want him to know.

Oh, for Lucas' birthday?

-Sorry. Got it.
-Tell us about your prediction.

Sure, Russ.

We've made some calculations

and we are now quite certain
that the end will come

at six p.m. on the sixth of June.

-What are you watching?
-Uh, that's the morning news.

Ratings must really be in the, uh,
S-H-I-T-T-E-R.

The shitter. Sorry.

The beginning of the end.

Hey, you don't have to call me Dad
if you don't want to, you know.

You can call me, uh... Gary.

Awesome Gary.

Super-Gar. Whatever. No presh.

Oh, and if you want
to sign up for baseball,

like, I'd totally be your coach,
or whatever.

If you're-- I mean, I was a pretty serious
baseball player when I was a kid.

So, if you just want
to toss the old ball around,

anytime, I'm-- I'm in.

[phone ringing]

-This is Gary.
-[man] Hi, Gary.

This is your wedding videographer Karl.

Karl. Hi. Yes.
I've been meaning to call you.

No, I figured you guys
needed some time after everything.

Listen, Samantha and I really appreciate
you doing everything you did

under the conditions and all, but, uh...

I think we're gonna have to pass
on the video.

I really think that you need
to see something.

We both decided it's better to move on.
So, if you could destroy the tapes...

Mr. Bloom,
there's something very unusual--

We know it's unusual, Karl,

but we're gonna keep our eyes
on the road ahead,

not dwell on the past, all right?

-I think you need to-- Mr. Bloom--
-Thanks for the call.

-[school bell rings]
-All right.

Here we are.

You want me to walk you in?

-Good talking to you, buddy!
-[car horn honks]

-[crunches]
-[clicks]

Shit, man. Hey, bro.

-Hey, Al.
-What's up?

I heard about the wedding, man.
That sucks.

It sounds horrible.
I'm so glad I didn't come.

Hey, thanks for your gift, though.

We were really hoping for
a ceramic Woody Woodpecker statuette.

-You like that thing?
-Oh, yeah.

Oh, that means a lot.

It's got some serious
sentimental value, bro.

You know, I smuggled a half kilo
of Oaxacan sensimilla in that thing.

Wow. That's, uh... ambitious.

I smoked it all in, like, three weeks,
too, man.

I hear you joined the ranks. [sniffles]

The, um... I'm sorry?

Yeah, you're a stepdad now, man.
Sucks, bro. Welcome to the club.

Oh, you're a step--

-Dad.
-Dad?

-Yeah, man.
-Right.

I'm in therapy, too. Big time.

You could come if you want.
It's a group thing.

-It's chill.
-Come with you to...

-your therapy?
-Therapy. Mm-hmm. Yeah.

No, I really don't want to.

Okay, man. Suit yourself.
Whatever feels good.

What you workin' on?

-Oh, nothin'.
-Oh, you got a mark?

Well, it's not a mark exactly.
It's a client.

Somebody wants to buy
that freaky old nunnery, man?

No way!

You think they're gonna make it
into a sex dungeon or something?

-A sex dungeon?
-Mm-hmm.

-[phone rings]
-[chuckles]

-This is Gary.
-Give it to me, you dirty little nun.

-Wow, that was fast.
-Give it to me, you dirty little nun.

-Yeah, it's still available. Today?
-What's up, man?

-Pay that rent!
-That's great.

-I will see you there. Thanks.
-Pay that rent! Pay it!

-[car beeps]
-Sorry I'm late.

I'm Gary Bloom.

You are forgiven. I'm Reverend JD Gospel.

Yeah, from, uh, from TV.
I just saw you this morning.

Oh, yes.
The press does love their doom and gloom.

[laughs] Good point.
Shall we have a look inside?

Please.

One sec here.

[door opens]

There's plenty of room.
Do you have a large family, Mr. Gospel?

Yes. Yes, I do.

Well, uh, they kick off their shoes here,

and I'm sure they'll enjoy
the fifteen extra rooms.

There's a chapel.

There's a basement that can be turned
into a game room or a man-cave.

[inhales deeply]

I just love the smell
of an old-fashioned nunnery. Don't you?

[inhales deeply]

Yeah.

May I see the chapel?

Sure. Yeah. Right this way.

Yeah, I mean, as you can see,
it's a bit of a fixer-upper,

but you know, with the right touch...

Oh...

[exhales deeply]

[moaning]

Oh...

What is your best offer?

[clicks teeth] The best offer?

Mm-hmm.

Just, you know... [stammers]

There's another couple
who's very interested.

You're kidding me? Who?

This very wealthy couple.
Just, like, dot-com money.

Always wanted to retire in a nunnery.
Same old story.

-I shouldn't even be showing it to you.
-I'll beat their price.

Whatever they're offering,
I'll offer more.

Really?

The end is coming, Gary.

Blood will rain,
and crows will darken the sky,

the oceans will boil over.

Money truly is no object.

Well, that's fantastic.

I mean, not the blood boiling
and the sky and stuff,

-but that you want to buy it.
-[phone ringing]

That's-- I'm sorry. Uh, just one second.

Hey, hon.

What kind of trouble?

Oh, poor little buddy.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I can make it down there right now.

Okay. Yeah, yeah. Love you, too.

Sorry. My stepson got into
a little trouble at school,

probably just throwing spitballs.

Ah, the Lord will never give you
more than you can handle.

-Got it.
-So, it's a deal then?

Yeah, absolutely. We have a deal.

-[siren wails]
-[police radio chatter]

Hi. Um...

I'm here to pick up my stepson.

Lucas? Are you okay?

What happened?

You're Lucas' father?

Yeah. Or, I mean, I'm his stepfather.

Please come in.

[whispers] It's okay, buddy.

-Have a seat, Mr...
-Uh, you can call me Gary.

Uh, Mr. Gary, I'm Principal Chandler,

and this is school psychiatrist,
Dr. Farrow.

Okay.

Mm-hmm.

How long have you been
the child's stepfather?

Well, his mother and I
just recently got married.

Mm-hmm.

Mr. Gary, have you noticed
any odd behavior from Lucas?

No. I mean, he's been a little withdrawn
since the wedding.

Mm-hmm.

I'm sorry.
W-Why do you keep "mm-hmm-ing"?

Mr. Gary, do you believe
in corporal punishment?

No.

Were you neglected as a child?

No.

Not entirely.

M-Maybe a little.

What was your relationship
with your own father?

-I didn't know my father.
-I see.

Do you mind telling me
what this is all about? What did Lucas do?

I'm afraid he spoke out of turn in class.

Well, this is quite the response.

He told his science teacher Mrs. Deeter
to go to hell.

Oh. Okay. Well, yeah, that is pretty bad.

Then she poured lye on her face

and hucked herself out
of a third story window.

Speared herself on the fence outside.

[balls click]

Now, we're not blaming Lucas,

but we've gone through his file,

and he seems to have a habit
of pushing people over the edge.

We're gonna have to suspend him
for a week.

-Are you sure that's necessary?
-I'm afraid so.

And we want him to see a counselor.

I'm gonna recommend group therapy
for you as well.

Somewhere where you can work out
some of your own father issues.

Honestly, I don't have any father issues.

You can work that out in group.

[door opens]

Oh, my God.

[man grunting]

That's terrible.

I know. It's really tragic.

The way they're paying teachers,
I'm really not surprised.

I just can't imagine
what she must have been going through.

Shoot. I just--

I was hoping that Lucas would make
some new friends in this school,

and now nobody's gonna come
to his birthday party.

I'm not sure that should be
your biggest concern, hon.

I met with a clown today, Gary. A clown.

Do you know how hard it is
to have a conversation

with a fully-grown man in a clown suit?

Okay. I'm sorry, I forgot about that.
How did that go?

Terribly. He's double-booked on Saturday,
and he can't do it.

It doesn't matter now.
I'll just call his birthday off.

I'm sure people will still come.

And I can help you find another clown
if it means that much.

It's not fair
that they singled out Lucas.

If she's that fragile,
then she shouldn't be teaching, right?

-Did you tell them that?
-No, I tried, but--

They were really focused on the fact that
I'm sort of a new figure in the house,

and they were acting like it was my fault.

They were?

Yeah, and they want me to see a therapist.
Isn't that weird?

What, you think I should?

I just-- I mean...

you're not exactly having the easiest time
communicating with him.

But this isn't about me, Sam.

This is about Lucas.
What if there's something wrong with him?

There is nothing wrong with Lucas!

[bangs table] Damn it! Why is everything
always blamed on the child?

[door slams shut]

Hey, honey.

I am sorry.

It's just not fair, you know.
I mean, he's already been through so much.

He's a good kid, Gary.

He just--
He needs a positive male role model.

And every time I think
I found the perfect guy...

he winds up turning against him
and going crazy or...

[crying]
dying in a horrible mulching accident.

-What? Hey. Hey, come here.
-[crying]

I am so sorry, honey. I didn't know that.

He just-- He can't deal
with any more rejection, Gary.

All right?
You... you have to be on his side.

-I am on his side.
-You're just saying that.

I'm not.

Sam, I love you.

Okay? And I didn't just make
a commitment to you.

I made a commitment to him.

[sobbing exhale]

Do you understand?

Now, I'm gonna go up there
and have a heart-to-heart with him.

-I'm gonna turn this into a bonding thing.
-Okay.

Okay.

Hey, Gary?

You're gonna be a great dad.

[inhales and exhales]

Oh, shit.

Hey, Lucas? Can I come in?

[door creaks open]

Hey, pal. How are you feeling?

Is the cable out, or...?

Well, TV sucks anyway.

It's kinda cool to just use
your imagination, right?

[static hissing]

Okay, um...

Listen, Lucas, I'm sure it seems like
we've been moving really fast,

but I'm your stepfather now--

[demonic voice] Get out!

Yeah, okay. We'll just talk later.

Or whenever you want.

Okay?

[sighs]

How'd it go?

Oh. Uh, he just told me he wanted some
alone time through his, uh...

goat puppet.

Oh, yeah. That's his friend Reeroy.

-Reeroy.
-[chuckles] He loves playing with him.

Good.

I'll just let him have
a little Reeroy time then

and check in with him later.

Okay.

[Al] You know what pisses me off?

Kids nowadays, they don't even know
what's rad when they see it now.

When I was that age,

all I wanted was a '72 Chevrolet,
El Camino Monster Truck,

mounted on top
of some 66-inch Goodyear tires...

with an alcohol fuel injected
turbo engine.

-Preach.
-Yep.

And now that I got one,
I got a stepkid,

and all he wants to do
is watch Pitch Perfect.

Pitch Perfect One,
Pitch Perfect Two, Pitch Perfect Three.

-Shit.
-Yeah.

"Jam" me man. Let's put on some Rush.

Put your hand on a speaker, your hand
on your heart, see if you feel something.

I said, "What are you feeling?"

He said, "Nothing."

I said, "That's America."
He didn't get it.

[sniffles]

So, that's kind of where I'm at right now.

Thank you for sharing, Al.

-Good job.
-Nice work.

Okay, we've got a new guy.
Everybody, please welcome Gary.

-Hi, Jerry.
-All right, Gary.

-Welcome, man.
-Let's go, Gar!

Gary, can you share a little about
what you're going through?

Oh. Uh, no, thank you.
I'm just here to watch.

No, you're not here to watch.

-You're here to participate.
-This is a safe space, bro.

-Okay, all right.
-[Al] You got this, man.

Okay, um...

Well, my wife and I
just recently got married.

And you know,
I'm having a little tiny bit of trouble

bonding with my new stepson Lucas.

And how old is he?

He's about to turn six.

Yeah, we're actually having a party
for him on Saturday.

His real birthday's next Wednesday.

Ah, that's a great age.
He's still very malleable.

And how is it with his mother?

Oh, uh, it's going great there.

I mean, she's just amazing
in so many ways.

[coughs] Blowjobs.

[laughing]

But the fact that you don't get along
with her son

is putting a strain on the marriage?

No. Not really.

It will.
The mom's always gonna side with the son.

Can you tell us a little more about Lucas?

Well, um...

He never really looks me in the eye.

Doesn't talk much,

uh, except when he tells his teachers
to go to hell

or yells at me to get out
of his room using this, uh...

weird little goat puppet thing.

And I-I just--
I get this sense that he's...

That he's evil incarnate?

Yeah.

Well, you're lucky, man.
I got girls. Twins.

And they wake up every morning
literally plotting ways to torture me.

This morning, they replaced my toothpaste
with my wife's Vagisil.

-Really?
-Yeah.

Vagisil. That ain't shit.

Yesterday, my stepson asked me
when I was gonna die.

I told him,
"Listen, I don't know that. I...

That's up to God."

He said, "Well, when God does take you,
can I have your van?"

He's five.

-Well, at least he likes trucks.
-Fuck that, dude.

-Jeremy pissed on my khakis.
-My kid's worse.

My son shit in my sock drawer!

-I stand corrected.
-It's the top drawer.

So, he blamed it on the cat,

but I know it wasn't the cat
because there were Jujubes in the shit,

after I looked in it.
You want to talk about malleable?

And that means that he crawled up
onto the fucking dresser,

turned around, grabbed onto the mirror,
and then fucking opened the top drawer,

and then shit into the top drawer.

In the mirror, he was looking at himself
knowing what he was doing,

shitting in my sock drawer.

And if you think I won't shit
in his backpack now,

you got another thing coming.

-Wayne.
-I have it in the trunk.

I'm not saying we all have to do it,
but...

-I'm gonna pencil you in for twice a week.
-Thanks.

And as for you, Gary,

birthdays are a very special time
for kids.

If you step up on this, it could be
a great breakthrough for both of you.

["If You're Happy and You Know It"
playing]

♪ If you're happy and you know it
Clap your hands ♪

♪ If you're happy and you know it
Clap your hands ♪

♪ If you're happy and you know it,
Then you'll really, truly show it ♪

♪ If you're happy and you know it
Clap your hands ♪

[grunting]

-Oh.
-How we doing there?

Honestly, it's like Lord of the Flies.
It's really cool.

-Everybody good?
-Hey.

Great? Good? Okay.

-Honey, this is amazing.
-Yeah?

-Thank you so much for helping out.
-Yeah.

-Where did you find the clown?
-I have my connections.

Hey, do you think Lucas
is enjoying himself?

-Yeah.
-Yeah?

Yeah, of course he is.

Oh, hey, Gar Bear, think fast!

-Hey, Al.
-Nice catch, buddy.

-[laughs]
-Thanks.

-This is a great party you got going here.
-Thank you.

Do you guys know my wife Wendy?

-Hi.
-Hi, nice to meet you.

-You, too.
-I'm Samantha, this is Gary.

-And is that your boy Lucas?
-Yeah.

-Birthday boy.
-He's so cute.

-Thanks.
-[Al] You want another drink?

I make a killer Mantini, bro.

Come on! Let's go get gross.

-Okay.
-Go, have fun.

-[liquid splashes]
-[ice rattles]

-Cheers. Mm-hmm.
-We're doin' it.

-Ah.
-His real dad is a total fucking loser.

Sits at home all day long, smoking pot
just to keep himself from freaking out.

That's no way to raise a kid.
You gotta stay sharp.

We gotta be ready at a moment's call.
You never know what's gonna happen.

-We're kinda like first responders.
-That's real.

Here's to getting hammered
and staying sharp.

-All right.
-Cheers, brothers.

Dude, where did you find this clown?

-[Al] Your clown's kinda blowing it, bro.
-Oh, he was supposed to be good.

So what's up with Lucas' real dad?
You have to deal with him much?

No, actually, Samantha doesn't even like
talking about him.

Consider yourself lucky. I hate
taking the kids to their real dad's house.

They come home with stories like,
"Oh, my God, he's so awesome.

He let us play Minecraft for, like,
17 hours straight!"

Then I got to deal
with their rage, you know?

If I were you, I'd find out about
the kid's dad,

because that DNA stuff
can be really wicked.

You gotta find out
if he's got DNA, dude.

-No, we all have DNA, guys, so...
-I'm not sure we do.

-[dad] I thought it was VNA--
-[dad 2] No, DNA.

-[dad 3] I guess--
-[dad 2] It's your genes.

-[dad] The kid has it.
-[dad 3] He's definitely got it.

[dad 2] No, it's not a disease.

-It's actually-- no, we all have DNA.
-[dad] You don't want it--

I do?

[whimpering]

Never mind. That clown is fucking awesome!

[screaming]

-Whoa, whoa, whoa!
-Oh.

-[yells]
-Oh, shit.

[dad] Oh.

-It couldn't have worked out better.
-Yeah. Is that part of his act?

[Al] That's not safe.

-I am so, so sorry about all this.
-[whimpering]

You know what?
Here's a little something extra for you.

I am so sorry.

The child...

he did this to me.

He made me do it.

He made me!

[children crying in distance]

Tammy, Wanda, come on!

Hey, Gar. Great party.
Thanks for raising the bar.

Now all the kids are gonna want
a burning clown for their birthday.

[buzzer sounds]

-[Karl] Yeah, who's there?
-Oh, hi, it's Gary Bloom from the wedding.

Did you come alone?

-Yeah, I came alone.
-Were you followed?

No.

Come on up. Third floor.

[buzzer sounds]

[knocks on door]

Hello?

Hello?

Karl?

Hello?

Huh. [gasps] Oh, my...

Gary, thank you for coming.
I need you to see this.

[inhales] Check out this shot right here.

It's amazing, right?

The way the sunlight bangs up
against the lens like that.

Yeah. Sorry. W-Why is the camera, like,
swinging all over the place?

Were you not able to afford a tripod
with the money we gave you?

A tripod?

-Yeah.
-[chuckles]

Well, let me ask you something.
Did, uh, Scorsese ever use a tripod?

Fellini? Cassavetes?

I don't know. This isn't Goodfellas,
this is our wedding video.

Jeez. Thank you very much, Leonard Maltin,

your review will be taken
into very serious consideration.

[chuckles] I gotta ask you something.

Did your film win "Best Short Doc"
at the Orinda Film Festival last year?

-My--
-Did it?

-No.
-Because mine did.

-Okay.
-That's correct.

Anyway, I think we have
bigger fish to fry here

than your apparent lack of knowledge
about cinema.

-Don't you?
-Sure.

See, I thought that it was strange
when the preacher at your wedding

started speaking in tongues.

Oh, sorry, no. That was Latin.

No, no, no. I thought it was Latin, too,

because I have a keen ear for language
as a filmmaker,

but I put those words
into Google Translations, and nothing.

What?

No known language. And that's Google, man.

You have to listen.
Listen carefully. Open your ears.

It does not sound like Latin.

[speaks gibberish]

So, I slowed down the footage.

[slowed down, speaks gibberish]

And I played it in reverse.

[distorted]
Do you vow to protect the child

-come hellfire or brimstone?
-[clicks]

Okay, why are you playing
my wedding video in reverse?

I think the more important question here
is why is the preacher at your wedding

asking you to vow
to protect the child in reverse?

Yeah, that's a little odd, too.

You bet your ass it's odd.

When the tornado struck at your wedding,
I thought that was really rotten luck,

but the more I thought about it,
the more I realized,

it wasn't chance that ruined your wedding.

[screaming on video]

-It was Satan.
-Okay, um, I think I'm gonna get--

No, no, no, no! Gary, hold on!
Wait! Wait! Just watch, watch this!

Watch, watch.

Run! Run for your lives!

Oh, my God, Uncle Scott.
I didn't even know he made it.

[screaming on video]

Oh.

No, no, pay him no mind.

What you need to be paying attention to
is right there in the background.

Those winds were hitting
at 150 miles per hour,

yet not one hair on his head is moving.

Why?

He's wearing a lot of hair gel?

There's a barn being ripped to shreds
directly behind him in frame,

and look at him.

That is not normal.

Does that seem normal to you?

I did some research,

because I fucking love researching things.

Here it is.

There is a religious group,
or a doomsday cult, what have you.

They believe
a child will rise up from hell,

to rule mankind, and to bring on
the end of the world as we know it.

I think we found that child.

He has risen from the bowels of hell.

And now...

you're his stepdad.

You...

I know.

You need to...

...to use your tripod.

No. It's fucking cinema verité, man!

-I think we're gonna pass.
-No, no! Wait, wait!

Everyone your wife ever dated is dead!

Look at this. Look, look.

A lightning strike?

A heart attack at 32?

A freak mulching accident.

Wait, what did you just say?

They're all dead. All of them.

All except for one.

Gabriel Winthorp.

I found his address on the Internet.

Okay.

We need to go talk to him.

You think about it, Gary.
You call me when you come to your senses.

I have all the equipment all read--
We can use the tripod, Gar!

[keys clatter]

[sighs]

[gasps] Hey!

[exhales]

Hey, buddy, what's up?

What are-- What are you doing?
Y-You just... Coloring in the dark there?

Cool.

Isn't it, uh...

past your bedtime?

You want me to turn off the light, or...

[Samantha] Yeah. Thank you.
Thank you so much, Wendy.

I really appreciate it.

Okay.

I know. I know.

I hope Jeremy's nightmares
aren't too bad tonight, too.

Okay. I know. Yeah, okay.

I'll see you then. Bye-bye.

Child Protective Services called.

What?

Apparently, they had calls from parents

saying that we had a dangerous clown
at our party.

Their children are gonna be
in therapy for the rest of their lives.

-Gary, where did you find that clown?
-On the internet. I don't know.

Sweetie, you can't just pick any clown
off the internet.

You're a parent now.

You have to hope for the best,
but you prepare for the worst.

[exhales] That's a good point, hon.
I'm gonna stick to that from now on.

-Oh, man.
-They're sending someone here.

Tomorrow.

Wendy said she would come,
and she would help support.

But, Gary, you need to be there too, okay?

[exhales]

-Sweetie?
-Yeah, yeah, I'll be there.

Really, Gary?

Yeah.

I will be there.

You know, today I met with
our wedding videographer.

Mm... God, I thought we agreed
we weren't gonna relive that.

Yeah, no, I know, but...
I wanted to see if we could salvage it.

-And?
-We can't.

Okay, do you remember the preacher
when he started speaking Latin?

Mm, such a romantic language.

Yeah, well, as it turns out,
he wasn't speaking Latin,

he was speaking in English...
backwards.

[laughs]

Okay, Gar. W-What was he saying?

He made me vow to protect the child
come hellfire or brimstone.

-I'm serious, Sam.
-Well, at least he made a good point.

In reverse.
Why would he make his point in reverse?

I don't know, Gary. I'm sure people
make points in reverse all the time.

I'm pretty sure they don't.

I mean, maybe Ozzy Osbourne,
but that's it.

So, Gar, w-what are you saying?

I don't know. I'm just sort of...

[exhales]

Look, I'm wondering again
about Lucas' biological father.

What does that have to do with anything?
You're his father now.

Well, yeah...

I told you parenting would be hard, and...

-you said you were up for it.
-I did. I did say that.

See, so you just need
to take all this stress

and crumple it in a little ball
and throw it away.

-Maybe you're right.
-Of course, I'm right.

I mean, why don't you
just get out of these?

And I will give you a massage,

and I will take it from there.

Shouldn't we put Lucas to bed?

I tucked him in an hour ago.

[Gary] Oh, man, that feels so good.

[Samantha] Mmm.

Baby, listen, I know that
we're an unconventional family.

I mean, we're not totally normal.

And the way Lucas was conceived
wasn't exactly ideal.

But at least we're together, right?

Yeah, yeah.

I agree 100%.

Hey, r-remind me again
how Lucas was conceived.

-Promise you won't judge?
-No, of course not.

Oh, man, that's the spot right there.

[Samantha] Okay.

Well, you remember when I told you
about that crazy time in my 20s,

where I dropped out of school,
and then I joined that sort of like...

like cult.

Uh, no, I don't think
you told me about that.

Well, I guess they were pretty shocked
to find out that I was a virgin, still,

and so, they threw
this huge ceremony for me,

where they all got dressed up
in these long, flowy black robes,

and they wore these elaborate masks.

And there were all kinds of herbs.

Lots of herbs.

Okay...

Anyway, they were chanting,
and then they put me in this star,

and they covered me in this warm,
red body paint.

And then?

I-- I don't really know. I...

must have blacked out
'cause I had this terrible nightmare.

But when I woke up,
I left, and I never looked back.

What? Oh, do--

-No--
-I told you it wasn't ideal.

-You said you wouldn't judge!
-I'm not judging.

I'm just saying maybe this is
the sort of thing we'd talk about

before we get married.

I was young,
and maybe I was a little naive, right?

But, Gar, I wouldn't change anything
even if I could because now I have...

[floor creaks]

Lucas! Hi, honey.

-Hey, buddy.
-Are you okay, honey?

Are you still upset
about that clown Gary hired? Yeah?

You want to sleep with us tonight?

Um, don't you think...
Never mind. Come on in, buddy.

Let's have a sleepover.

All right, snuggle up.

Get cozy.
And no burning clowns in your dreams.

[kisses]

[Samantha sighs]

Tomorrow's a new day.

[Lucas mumbling]

[grunting]

[gasps]

[screams]

[gasping]

She said he was conceived
out of a nightmare

during some satanic cult ritual.

She was young and needed the money.
Doesn't mean anything.

What about the clown?
You think that was normal?

No, no, that was definitely
an unusual clown.

Okay, well, this is gonna sound nuts,

but I think there's a chance that maybe
he caused the tornado at my wedding.

-Who, the clown?
-No, dude. Lucas.

[chuckles] Yeah, right.

Yeah, that freaky little kid definitely
caused a tornado at the party.

Al, listen to me. I had worms
coming out of my nose last night.

Jesus! That's, like,
a serious hygiene issue, man.

-Maybe it was a dream.
-Still, you should get that looked at.

This must be it.

Are you sure you want to do this, man?

I hate meeting my wife's exes.

[praying]

Hey.

Hey, yo. Excuse me.

-Hey.
-Hi.

She has begun to cry tears of blood.

Is that right?

We're looking for a guy named Gabriel.
Do you know him?

Gabriel cannot be disturbed.

Okay, well...

He used to know my wife.

I just have a few questions for him,

mostly about my weird
little stepson Lucas.

Follow me. Speak no words.

-Okay.
-No problem.

-[whip cracking]
-[man screaming]

-[whipping]
-[screaming]

-[whips]
-[screams]

-[screams]
-Gabriel!

You have guests.

Um...

Hey. Hi, I'm Gary.

Um... This is my friend, Al.

And, uh, you know,
we're, well, we're stepdads.

Get to the point.

Okay. Uh...

I think maybe you used to know, um...

my wife Samantha
and my little stepson Lucas.

God forgive me for I have sinned!

-[screams]
-Would you stop with the flagellating?

This is why I'm happy we're in therapy.

This is what happens
when you don't talk stuff out.

The end is near.

Oh, Lord, please do not blame me
for what cannot be stopped!

I think maybe we should just go.

You must travel to the old marketplace
in the city of Bethlehem.

Seek out the demon hunter Gozamel.

Only he can help you now.

Bethlehem?

"And they that dwell upon the Earth
did wonder seeing the beast,

that it was a thing,

and is not, and yet now is!"

I'm not following...

Revelation, chapter 17.

The child.

He is the Antichrist!

Okay.

Okay, thanks.

And, uh, thank you for welcoming us
into your beautiful home.

And, uh, we're gonna let you get back
to your stuff...

you know.

Let's go.

[whipping, screaming continue]

I gotta tell you, man, I'm feeling
so much better about Jeremy right now.

He's a spoiled little shit, but at least
he's not the fucking Antichrist.

Seriously?

Seriously.

-[coughs]
-[groans]

Wasn't there, like, a sign
or anything when you were dating?

No, I mean, it all moved so fast.

I figured he'd warm up to me
at some point.

You must have had some indication
that kid is, like, pure fucking evil?

Yeah, Al, all the time.

But you told me that was normal,
that all kids are dicks.

That's true, kids are dicks, man.
But this is a different level.

He's like top of the dick chain, bro.

-[man on TV] Breaking news...
-Two more, please.

-Jane Hernandez is on scene where...
-You could get a divorce.

No, I don't want a divorce, Al.

Okay? Samantha's perfect.
She's everything I ever wanted.

She comes with some hefty baggage.

-Al, it is not an option!
-Okay.

[woman on TV]
Wanda, what do you see there?

[woman 2] End of world followers
of infamous cult leader JD Gospel,

have begun stocking up on canned goods,
rice, beans...

-That's the guy that bought the nunnery.
-When is the end actually coming?

Hey, I think maybe
we should go find this guy Gozamel.

Maybe he could help us out.

Look, I don't know if I told you this,
but I'm coaching Jeremy's baseball team,

so for me getting to Bethlehem, Israel,
is a little out of the question.

-Just right now is not a good time.
-I get it.

-Not a good time.
-There you have it.

I'm Jane Hernandez, reporting live
from Bethlehem, Pennsylvania.

[man on TV] Next up, cremation or burial?

[chattering]

Excuse me.
Um, we're looking for a guy named Gozamel.

-He's busy.
-Oh, that's great. He's here.

-Um, we really need to see him.
-Yeah, we're on a mission from God.

Gozamel to cashier. Gozamel to cashier.

[rock music playing]

Um, Gozamel?

I'm Gozamel. You guys were looking for me?

So, what makes you think your stepson
is the spawn of Satan?

-Well, he's just this really weird kid.
-[Al] Super weird, dude.

And he has these beady little eyes that,
like, bore into your soul.

Very beady little eyes.

He manipulates people into doing stuff
they don't want to do.

Jumping out of buildings,
lighting themselves on fire...

And talking backwards.

Sounds like
your average devil child to me.

[woman] This is me.

-When's his birthday?
-We just had his birthday party.

But his real birthday
is the sixth of June.

-How old is he turning?
-Six.

Oh, shit, it's him. It's him!

-[grunts] No, I've got it.
-You want some help?

[grunts]

-Oh, that's not...
-You're gonna crush those buns!

I got it!

-[grunts]
-Whoa!

-[woman] Thank you so much, young man.
-Let's go!

But, hold on, we drove.

It's the end of the world!
We'll drop you off afterwards. Come on!

I'm good with that. Come on, buddy!

-Well...
-Let's go save the world, man!

Whoo!

[starts engine]

[tires screeching]

[Gozamel] I have been
prepping for this my entire life!

-That's great news, man!
-We're really glad we found you.

Thanks. I got some donuts and beer
in the cooler if you guys want.

-No way!
-Yeah.

Score!

-Gozamel, you're the best, my brother.
-Thank you.

-Is there a seat belt back here?
-Seat belt?

You don't need a fucking seat belt.
This is the end of the world!

-There are no rules!
-No rules.

I'd still like to have a seat belt.

[Gozamel] When I was a kid,
my father told me I have a destiny.

And my destiny was to save the world.

-That must have been a pretty heavy talk.
-Fuck yeah, it was heavy, man.

'Cause he was dying in my arms.

But then he bequeathed onto me
the knife of destiny.

And he told me, "You take that little
Antichrist fuck-up to hallowed ground,

-and you stab him right in the chest!"
-I'm sorry, what?

But you gotta do it by 6:00 p.m.
on June the sixth.

Man, I was getting worried.
I didn't think it was gonna happen.

-No. What did you say about a knife?
-The knife of destiny.

It's in the little chest of drawers
I built in on the side.

I wanted to make sure
it was next to me at all times.

Hmm?

Yeah, that's it.
That knife will kill anybody.

No, we are not stabbing my stepson
in the chest!

Yeah, his wife's already pretty upset.
They're not getting along.

That's not gonna help.

We'll burn him alive or drown him,
as long as it's on hallowed ground.

What?
No, we're not doing any of those things!

Did you think
I was gonna play footsie with him?

-I don't know. Exorcise him? I--
-You can't exorcise the Antichrist, bro.

Let's sacrifice a goat.
Something like that.

-Yeah, a goat.
-Why hurt an innocent goat?

I'm just brainstorming.

All right, well, there is this myth
about someone called the Keymaster,

that he could save the world
without killing the kid.

Way to bury the lead, man.
Yeah, let's go find the Keymaster.

[Gozamel laughing]

There's no fucking keymaster!

I made it up.

From Ghostbusters, remember?

-Here. Hand me that thing.
-Ghostbusters. You didn't make it up.

Don't worry, guys.

I've been prepping for this
my entire life.

-There's nothing that can happen--
-No, look out!

-[tires screech]
-[crashes]

Holy crap.

-You okay?
-Yeah, I think I'm all right.

It's a good thing you were wearing
your seat belt.

Holy shit!

-[Gary stammers] Gozamel?
-[Al] Gozer?

[Gary] Gozamel?

[Al] Gozer, you little demon hunter,
where you at, boy?

Gozamel?

Over here!

[Gary] Oh, shit!

Oh, shit...

I'm sorry I let you down.

I'm sorry I let you down, Daddy!

Buddy, you didn't let your dad down, man.

You-- you're the stepfather.

His destiny is in your hands now.

When the time is nigh,

you'll get a sign from above.

Look... for... the... sign.

[Al] Gozer?

-[exhales]
-Gozer?

Gozer, buddy?

God! I told you we should have
fucking caravanned!

-Okay, that might have been a better idea.
-God, this is crazy.

Oh, my God, this is so crazy.

-Dude, bro, you gotta relax, man.
-How can I relax?

-We're in a cornfield!
-So?

What good thing has ever happened
in a cornfield, Al?

Well, I don't know.
Field of Dreams is pretty cool.

Okay. All right, all right.

All right, we're not that far.
We can... We can walk home.

[Al] Well, are we just gonna
leave him here?

Oh, fuck.

Give me the knife. Give me the knife.

I'm coming, bro!

All I wanted was to get married
and be happy.

-Have a normal life.
-Nobody has a normal life, man.

No, I know, but, like,
in the realm of normal.

There's-- There's a realm.

So, your stepkid's a little evil.
It's not like it's the end of the world.

Okay, maybe in this case, it actually is,
but I'm a stepdad, too.

You know what that means?

I would never leave you
on the battlefield. I wouldn't do it!

[Gary] You know, can we just try
walking in silence rest of the way?

[Al] Yeah, man, no problem.
Was I talking too much?

Total silence. No problem.

[Gary] House is right up here.

We made it. I'm home.

-You're home. Jiggity jig.
-Shit.

[swing creaking]

-That's not him, is it?
-Yeah.

He loves to swing.

Okay.

All right, little brother.
I gotta get out of here.

I'll catch you at work tomorrow,
all right? Cool.

Wait. What happened to not leaving
a soldier on the battlefield?

I'm not leaving you, man.

I'm not leaving you, like, forever.

But right now, it's getting kinda late.
It's past my bedtime.

I gotta get my snoozies in
'cause I get real fucking cranky.

You don't want to see me cranky,
do you, man? Take this.

-Take it! Take it!
-What the hell am I gonna do with this?

-I don't know.
-He's just a kid.

-You're a fucking warrior! I've got to go.
-What--

I gotta do crosswalk duty
in the morning, man. I gotta go!

Al!

[breathes shakily]

Oh, fuck.

Oh, shit.

[Samantha] You know, Gary really is
just the kindest man.

He is so good to us.

He hasn't totally got
the parenting thing-- Gary!

-Yeah?
-Gary! Hi. Come in, please.

-You remember Wendy, from the party?
-Of course. Hello.

And this is Mrs. Shaylock
from Child Protective Services.

-Oh, hi. Hello.
-Hello.

-Very nice to meet you. Yes.
-So nice to meet you.

I am so sorry for being late.
I was racing home from work.

-You work in a cornfield? [laughs]
-[nervously] No.

-No.
-No.

-I'm in real estate. And I...
-Oh.

go walking in cornfields at night,
sometimes to gather my thoughts.

Well, then I would love for you
to share them with us right now.

-Mr. Bloom, please have a seat. Come on.
-Okay.

Can I just-- I'm sorry.

I was just telling Miss Shaylock
how you are trying--

-Gary?
-Yeah?

How you are trying so hard
to reach out to Lucas.

That's right. Yeah, yeah.
I'm... I am trying.

It's always so hard for stepdads.

Tell me, Mr. Bloom, all the things

that you do with the dear boy.

Uh, w-well, I've taken him to school...

-School.
-...and...

I've tried talking to him a bunch
of times. You know?

Gary helped plan Lucas' birthday party.

The one with the burning clown
that traumatized all the children?

Lucas really looks up to Gary.

I mean, just tonight, he told me
that he didn't want to go to sleep

until Gary tucked him in.

But I just saw him outside on the swing.

Gary, don't be silly.
He is upstairs in his bedroom.

It was the sweetest thing.

He said in his little angel voice,
"Can Daddy please tuck me in?"

-He called him "Daddy."
-What an angel.

Yeah, a fallen...

asleep angel, which I am way too bushed
to put down tonight.

-Go tuck your son in.
-He's probably asleep.

He's probably awake
and waiting up for you to tuck him in.

-[snaps] Gary!
-All right.

-"A little reluctant to tuck--"
-You don't need to write that down.

I'll be the judge of that.

All right.

Hey, the lights are burned out up here.

[Samantha]
There is a flashlight on the wall.

This is fucking bullshit.

All right.

Here we go.

He's a fucking five year old kid.
Nothing to be afraid of.

Okay.

All right.

[breathes shakily]

Shit.

You marry a beautiful woman
and all hell breaks loose.

All right.

Hey, uh... hey, Lucas?

You want me to tuck you in, buddy?

Lucas, you in here?

Jesus.

Lucas?

"Erutpar."

-[roars] I'm Remi the Lion. Wanna play?
-[exclaims]

[pants]

No, Remi, not right now.

[roars] I'm Remi the Lion. Wanna play?

-[roars] I'm Remi the Lion. Wanna play?
-I told you, Remi, I don't wanna play.

[roars] I'm Remi the Lion. Wanna play?

Shut up.

-[deep distorted voice] You want to play?
-[gasps]

Samantha? Somebody?

Somebody, help!

-Why is it so hard for men?
-You have to demand more from him.

[Gary] Samantha? Somebody?

Try reading him a book, you sack of shit!

[Gary] Shit.

[grunts]

[demonic voice] Erutpar!

[Gary gasping]

[door slams]

[Gary panting]

[door handle clanking]

[breathes shakily]

-[demonic voice] Erutpar!
-[gasps]

[thuds]

Let me tell you. Whatever a child
is going through emotionally,

it's natural for them
to act out in physical ways.

Please remember,
it is never the child's fault.

No matter what happens,
it is never the child's fault.

[thunder crashes]

[grunts]

It was very nice to meet you, Mrs. Bloom.

Of course, you know, I'm going to keep
a very close eye on you and your family.

-[chuckles] Of course. It's fine.
-Very nice to meet you, too...

-Wendy.
-Wendy. Yes. You're parked in front of me.

Oh, I'll be right out.

-[raining]
-Oh!

What was going on
with that idiot husband of yours?

-No idea. I am so angry, I could scream.
-[phone ringing]

Oh, it's him.
He must be too scared to come downstairs.

-Wendy, thank you for your support.
-Of course. Anytime!

I could not have done it without you.
Get that woman out of my driveway.

-Happily.
-[phone ringing]

Gary, what on earth are you doing?

[breaking up] Your evil, freaky,
little son buried me in the backyard!

Stop yelling, okay?

-You know I can't understand you when...
-Your evil fucking son--

[gasps]

Oh...

Lucas?

Honey?

[chuckling exhale]

So creative.

[phone ringing]

Gary? Where is Lucas?

Okay, I'm sorry that I yelled before.
I'm getting a little oxygen deprived.

What? Where are you?

I'm in the backyard.

Bring a shovel and come as fast as you can
or I'm gonna die!

[gasps]

[panting]

[grunts] Gary? Lucas?

[thunder crashes]

That's it!

Time out, young man!

[grunts]

[grunts]

[whimpering]

Oh, my God, Gary!
Gary, say something! Are you okay?

I...

want...

a divorce!

Don't say that!

Get out of there, Gary.

Oh, can I? Thanks.

-[pants]
-[Gary grunts]

Gary, please don't overreact, okay?

-I know he didn't mean to...
-He didn't mean to?

He just wanted you to read him a book!

I'm pretty sure that's not what he wanted.

I should have insisted that you two spend
more time together before we got married.

Oh, yeah, that would have been great,
getting to know him a little bit better.

You've really outdone yourself, Gary.
Congratulations.

-I've tried reaching out.
-Tried? You drove him to school.

You've tried talking to him a few times.

Excuse me if I didn't buy you
a dad of the year mug.

He buried me alive, Sam!

Children act out because they
don't know how to express their emotions.

You're the adult.
You were supposed to help him.

But you won't even want to look at my son,
because he's not yours!

-That is not why.
-Then why?

Because he's the fucking Antichrist, Sam!

-That's why!
-[thunder crashes]

-Listen to me.
-No.

Sam!

Come on, Lucas.

Sam.

Oh, great.

Now it's raining blood, Sam!

Not cool, Lucas!

Not cool!

Fundamentals! Fundamentals!

It was awful.
Just the whole thing, indescribably awful.

I know what you mean, man.
We all been there.

No, you haven't.

Come on, Jeremy. Eye on the ball.

-[grunts]
-That's okay, buddy. There you go!

Look, I hate to say it, man, but I think
you might actually have to kill the kid.

[whispering] No, I can't do it.

Gregory Peck did it in The Omen.

No, he didn't.
He got shot before he could do it.

And I'm pretty sure that everyone thought
he was an awful father after that.

Well, they already think that
about you, so...

-What? Who does? Who said that?
-Nobody.

-Just my wife and all her friends.
-What?

-The school board... [mutters]
-Okay. Okay. All right.

I didn't want to tell you this,
'cause I didn't want you to get jealous.

But I won the Dad ball this morning.

-What?
-Isn't that awesome?

Yeah. That's awesome.

It made me realize
that there's a lot to live for.

A lot of innocent people
are gonna go to hell.

-I know, I know.
-Maybe not totally innocent, but people!

-That's not cool!
-Okay. All right.

You know, you don't have to make it
look like you did it.

You could take him
to King Willie's Water Park.

Get him some floaties, fill 'em with sand,
push him down that big-ass slide.

Nature's gonna take its course.
That shit happens all the time.

-That place is a safety hazard.
-It has to be on hallowed ground.

I'm pretty sure that the water park
is hallowed ground. The pope blessed it.

Sam's never gonna let me
near him again anyway.

Go over there,
bring her some flowers, man.

Tell her you're sorry
that you called her kid the Antichrist.

I do that shit all the time.
Sometimes, he deserves it.

Marsupials! [clapping]

-Hey.
-Hey.

I am... really sorry about what I said.

You said some awful things. Awful things.

I want to turn this around, Sam.
I really do.

I want to be the man, the father,
that I know I can be.

I know it's his birthday today,

and I'd love if I could just have
a little father-son time with him.

Maybe teach him to swim?

Lucas doesn't know how to swim.

Well, that's what we're here for, Reeroy,
to teach Lucas how to swim.

Ready to go up that big one there?

Okay, how about this?

How about we, uh, go play around,
work up our courage?

Sound good, Reeroy?

All right. Don't worry, buddy.
We'll have a blast. Okay?

Let's go.

♪ I can see clearly now
The rain is gone ♪

♪ I can see all obstacles in my way ♪

♪ Gone are the dark clouds
That had me blind ♪

-♪ It's gonna be a bright ♪
-♪ Bright ♪

-♪ Bright ♪
-♪ Bright ♪

♪ Sunshine-y day ♪

-♪ It's gonna be a bright ♪
-♪ Bright... ♪

Oh, I'm dodging. I'm dodging.
[chuckles] Oh! Oh! Oh!

That's it! That's it!

-I got you. Oh, I got you.
-[laughing]

Oh, my God, are you laughing?

I don't think
I've ever seen you laugh before.

Aw, you and your son
look really cute together.

-Do you want me to take a picture?
-No, that's all right.

Really? It's no problem.

-Sure. Yeah. Why not?
-[laughs]

There you go.

Okay, lean in a little closer.

A little closer.

Great.

-There you go.
-Thanks.

Lucas is ready for the big slide now.

Are you sure? You know what?
We actually don't--

[Lucas giggles]

All right, listen, Lucas,
these are gonna help you float.

Hurry it up!

We're gonna be one minute.
It's his first time.

I know these feel heavy, Lucas,
but once they hit the water,

they're just gonna get much lighter, okay?

Listen to me.

You don't have to do this.

-Come on already!
-I told you he's not ready!

Do you understand? Oh!

[Lucas] Whoa!

Oh, no. Oh, my God.

What the hell am I doing?
Oh, what the hell?

God, I don't know if you're real.

If you are, you probably hate me,
but you gotta give me a sign here.

You gotta give me a sign.

You gotta give me a sign.

Give me a sign. Give me a sign.

Oh, my God, that's it.
That's it! That's it!

Lucas!

It is a pretty sweet waterslide.

[breathing heavily]

Lucas!

Oh, my God, Lucas!

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Oh.

Oh, I'm never taking
my eyes off you again. Okay?

-Okay.
-Okay.

I promise.

Oh, my God.

-You okay?
-[giggles]

-You want to do it again?
-No.

Okay. Yeah. Me neither.

[exhales]

[Gary] I'm sorry we lost Reeroy...

your evil goat puppet.

We'll find you another one, all right?

Gary.

-Yes, Lucas?
-I'm sorry I buried you in the backyard.

That's all right, I get it.

Sorry I put sand in your floaties.

That's okay. I get it.

I guess I haven't been
a very good stepdad, have I?

You're still here.

Uh... Lucas, can I tell you something?
Something I've never told anyone?

Did you know that
I never knew my father growing up?

He split on me when I was just a baby.

So, when I was 20 years old,
I decided to go find him.

And when I finally did,

he told me that I was a worthless loser
who would never do anything with his life.

You know what I decided?

That I didn't have to listen to my dad.

You know, Lucas,
I don't care who your real dad is

or if you were spawned from a cult ritual.
You are you.

And you can be
whoever you want to be, okay?

Daddy?

Yeah, Lucas?

I don't want you to die anymore.

I don't want you to die anymore, either.

And you're right. My real dad
isn't a really good influence on me.

No, I don't think he is.

Hold on. Do you... know your real dad?

Well, sometimes he talks to me
through my toys and the TV.

That's a really good reason
to limit your TV time.

And he said he wants full "custoty."

Do you know what that means?

Yeah. Yeah, it's not good.

Listen, your mom and I
will never let that happen.

Do you understand? I promise.

[phone beeping]

It's an Amber Alert.

Wait, that's my license.

Shit.

Lucas, finish your ice cream.
We got to go.

[police siren]

-Hands in the air!
-Okay.

-What did I do?
-Keep 'em up!

[demonic voice] You can go to hell!

Don't say that to the officers!
We're working on our manners.

Arms behind your back.

Officer, I think there's a mistake,
I'm his step--

Ow! What are you doing?

My, my, my, my, my.
What a scene. What a scene.

Thank you, officers. A job very well done.

-The boy is safe now.
-What are you doing here?

We told you we were gonna
keep an eye on you.

Oh, Mr. Bloom, you've disappointed us.
We thought you were the one.

"We"? Who-- Who's "we"?

You come with me now, sweet pea.

-The reverend will be so glad to see you.
-I don't want to!

The reverend? No. You can't take him!
He's just a child!

Sure he is. And I'm just a sweet little
old lady who evolved from an amoeba.

-Get in the car.
-No, you can't do this!

Daddy!

Daddy, help!

-Daddy!
-I'm coming to get you, buddy.

-Come on, get in the car.
-Lucas!

All right, back up. Come on, back it up.

[chattering]

Holy fuck!

[phone ringing]

Hi, Gar.

Hey, it's me. They took Lucas.

-Who took Lucas?
-The CPS lady.

But it's not my fault, I swear.
Now, look...

She's taking him to the reverend,
who I think is a cult leader.

Okay, and they think that Lucas is evil,
which m-may or may not be true,

because, let's face it, in life,
he's gonna make his own choices,

no matter who his father is.

Gary, you don't know
what you're talking about.

I'm talking about free will, Sam!

And I'm talking about him being able
to be whoever he wants to be.

Now, look, I need you to call the police
and settle just a minor Amber Alert.

Hello, my dear. Time to go.

-I am not going anywhere with you.
-Sam?

-[grunts, yells]
-Samantha?

-[man grunts]
-No!

-Take her to the car.
-Gary!

-Sam!
-Gary!

No! No! No!

She's feisty. Find the knife.
It's here somewhere.

[Gary] Sam? Samantha?!

Sam? Shit!

Hey. Hey. Psst. You!

No, I can't be quiet.
You have to come here.

Open this door. Right now! Come on!

Come...

Hey, you gotta open this door.

Okay? My son's in trouble.
I have to save him.

Come on! Open the door! Right now! Please!

Holy shit. Thank you.

I gotta go, but I owe you one. Okay?

Save the child.

He is our only hope.

[cheering]

-You can do this!
-Don't give up!

[grunts]

[kicking door]

[door unlocks]

Hey. Hey, hi!

Jeremy, what's up?
Is your dad around, by any chance?

No, my dad left so he could
bang hot women and get high.

Okay. How about your stepdad?

-Thanks, buddy. Gar, what's up?
-Hey. Good to see you.

Um...

-Listen, can you help me saw these off?
-Shit.

-They're uncomfortable.
-I been meaning to talk to you anyway.

Let's hit the man cave pronto.

Check this out.

It seems to say that the evil child
is not Satan himself,

but a portal to Satan.

And that by killing him,
that portal will open,

and the real Satan
can then enter his body,

and the end of the world will ensue.

That's what he was saying about
his real father wanting full custody.

Shit, dude, that's never good.

Those guys, Gozamel and the reverend,
they wanted me to kill Lucas.

Right, to bring on the apocalypse.

-But now that you dropped that ball...
-They're gonna do it themselves.

-But they have to do it...
-On hallowed ground.

-Yeah.
-If we knew where that was, we could...

The nunnery. Al, the nunnery.
That's why the reverend bought it.

He's gonna have, like,
a blowout party, sacrifice Lucas

and open up the doors of hell.

Doesn't parenting suck?

Yes!

The place is basically a fortress.

There's no way we're gonna be able
to get in there.

-What are you doing?
-It takes a village, you know?

But how are we gonna get in there?

They say there's a reason for everything,
don't they? I think I found my reason.

["Tom Sawyer" playing]

♪ A modern day warrior
Mean, mean stride ♪

♪ Today's Tom Sawyer
Mean, mean pride ♪

Whoa, that's a big truck.

-No, it's a small truck.
-With big tires.

-Is this vehicle equipped with airbags?
-Let's ride, bitches!

♪ Though his mind is not for rent
Don't put him down as arrogant ♪

-Al, can you go any faster?
-Hang on!

[revs engine]

[chanting]

[grunts]

Did you really think
you could hide from me...

go off and marry some fool
and try to forget?

[grunts]

[whimpers]

This is your destiny.

The end is our destiny!

[cheering]

[dad] Oh!

Oh, fuck!

Turn off the vehicle.
Come out with your hands in the air.

What the shit is that?

Okay, there may be a bit of
an Amber Alert out on me,

but it's a mistake, I swear.

Can I say at this point?
I think we might be doing something wrong.

We're not doing anything wrong. Okay?

And Lucas, he's not Satan.
He's just a portal to Satan.

And good parenting,
it's about keeping that portal shut.

Man, that's so true.

-Yeah.
-Yeah.

Those guys, they can't stop us.

Nobody can stop us.

You know why?

Because this is my destiny.

-I'm with you 100%, man!
-Yeah, me too!

So you're sure
we're doing the right thing?

-Yeah! Yes, we are.
-Yes!

Let's go blow up that nunnery!

-Yeah!
-Ah!

-Al? Do you think we can make it?
-Are you kidding me, bro? Hold on!

[revs engine]

[screaming]

[cheering]

[all exclaiming]

[dad] Fuck!

[chanting]

Brothers and sisters,

the time has come
to revel in the glory of the rapture.

Behold.

He who knows no bounds to evil.

The one, the only...

the Antichrist!

[cheering]

-Fuck!
-Don't stop. Keep going!

Dude, I'm not stopping for anything, man!

-The fence! The fence! The fence!
-Whoa! Whoa!

[screaming]

-We don't have much time!
-Gozer said it has to happen by six.

We've got five minutes!

[grunting]

-It's locked, guys.
-Fuck!

There's a window!
We can break it and go through it.

Come on, give it a try!

[shouting]

-Get up. Put it up.
-Come on. Come on! [straining]

-Put it up.
-All right, higher.

Guys, I have the key.

Guys, I'm a real estate agent.
I have the key!

I'm the Keymaster.

-Well, then open the door, dipshit.
-Okay.

Ah...

Okay, got it.

-Come on, let's go!
-Go, go, go!

You! You were never meant to be the one...

[pained groan]

Nice punch, Gary.

Yeah, you really laid out
that very tiny woman.

Maybe take it easy on the old ladies, huh?

-Big Guy might be watching.
-Come on, guys.

[screams]

[all exclaim]

Or not.

Guys.

[chanting]

The time is close, my son.

Yours is the greatest sacrifice.

[grunts]

You are but a vessel for greatness!

[grunts]

[chanting] Kill the child!
Kill the child! Kill the child!

Kill the child! Kill the child!

[chanting continues]

-Hey. Psst.
-[muffled] Get away from me!

-It's me.
-[muffled speaking]

-What are you doing?
-We're here to save you.

-Get up there and do something.
-Right.

The time has come!

-Ten, nine, eight...
-They're gonna kill him, Gar!

-...seven, six.
-Heads up.

Five, four...

-It's all up to you now, buddy.
-...three, two, one!

The time has come
to open the gates of hell!

[cheering]

Gary, now!

[grunts]

[all exclaiming]

Oh, my God.

Go, go, go, go, go!

-Get away!
-No, look! It's us!

We met at the party.

-I'm Larry.
-Al?

-It's us.
-It was, like, a Tuesday.

You messing with my boy?

Because you mess with my boy,
you mess with me!

As for the rest of you,
you should be ashamed of yourselves.

Really, all of you.

I think you need to do
some real soul searching.

[demonic growl]

Look yourselves in the mirror and say,
"Is this who I really want..."

Oh, shit.

..."to... be...?"

Oh, shit.

Hey, Lucas?

You okay, buddy?

[demonic growl]

[all exclaiming]

Lucas!

[Gary] Lucas!

Lucas!

[grunts]

I got you, buddy! I got you!

[demonic voice] Let me go!

-No!
-You must let me go!

No! I won't!

-[normal voice] Daddy?
-Yes, Lucas?

I'm scared.

Don't be scared, sweetie.

-I got you.
-[demonic voice] Let him go!

[screaming]

Okay, maybe a little fear
is totally justified,

but I'm not letting you go!

I'm never letting go, buddy!

-Why?
-Because I'm your father!

And I love you!

[demonic voice] You're his stepfather!

[screaming]

I'm not leaving you!

[groaning]

Fuck!

-Oh, my God.
-[coughing]

-You okay?
-Yeah.

-Gary.
-Gary.

Lucas!

Gary!

-I'm sorry.
-I'm so sorry.

[Samantha crying]

Oh, my God!

[overlapping chatter]

-Help him up!
-Come on.

-Easy.
-All right.

Let him breathe.

That's some Indiana Jones shit, dawg.

Holy shit. Oh, my God.

He's probably got minor scrapes,
but you know...

-It's 'cause of us. It's 'cause of us.
-We did good.

Hon, you told me when you're a parent,
you hope for the best,

but prepare for the worst.

-Yeah.
-Please tell me that was it.

[laughs]

You did it. [chuckles]

You really came through for us.

You're the one, baby.

You were always the one.

I love you.

[grunts]

I love you, too.

[dad] I wish I had a bonding moment
like this with my son.

-Not exactly like this.
-A milkshake with two straws.

[dad] No, I know, a Little League game,
like, a ball game or something.

I mean, there was fucking--

The child must die!

-Mom!
-Come on.

[shouts]

[all grunting]

-[screaming]
-Oh, shit!

Don't ever fuck with my kid again!

-Okay.
-That's bad-ass.

They both punch really well, like,
when people run up to them in churches.

Can we get out of here?
I just wanna get out of here.

Yeah.

-I think we go.
-Okay, let's go.

[Samantha sighs] Let's go, guys.
Come on. Tomorrow's a new day.

-[Gary] Yeah.
-[Samantha] Oh, boy.

[Gary] You know, this might sound weird,

but I think maybe
we should go get some ice cream.

[dad] I still have my kid's backpack
in my trunk.

We go get ice cream,
and then all shit in it.

-[dad 2] I can shit in your backpack now.
-[Gary] Yeah, sure, why not?

[dad 3] I already shit my pants, though.
I don't know if I have any left.

[crowd cheering]

[horn blares]

[cheering continuing]

All right, you guys are up next.

-No, no, no. We're not ready.
-Yes, we are.

-Dad, we're fine.
-Okay, best of luck to both you guys.

Lucas, we are not ready yet.
I haven't adjusted the steering column.

-The brakes--
-Stop worrying, okay?

-Okay. All right.
-You just have to trust me.

I trust you.

-And I'm driving.
-What?

No, no, no. You can't drive. You're six.

[cheering]

All right, just don't turn too hard
in either direction, okay?

Just try to keep it steady.

-[horn blares]
-Whoa!

Look at the cool design on that one!

I'm not gonna lie, man.
That's pretty fucking rad, bro!

-There they go! Let's go!
-Shit!

-Hey! Who wants it more, baby?
-Go defense!

Go, Gary! Go, Lucas!

Not too much! Back the other way!

Hang on, Dad.
Things are just about to get interesting.

-Lucas! Lucas! [screams]
-Yeah!

["Can't Go to Hell"
by Sin Shake Sin playing]

♪ Walk right in
All you sinners and saints ♪

♪ Tonight's the night
We're gonna take off these chains ♪

♪ Some wounds ♪

♪ Will never mend ♪

♪ It came with a warning
Now we're all out of time ♪

♪ This romance with ignorance
Has left us behind ♪

♪ Sit back ♪

♪ Relax, begin ♪

♪ It's too early for surrender ♪

♪ Too late for a prayer ♪

♪ We can't go to hell
If we're already there ♪

♪ They say the end is coming ♪

♪ And I need to prepare ♪

♪ We can't go to Hell
If we're already there ♪

♪ It's no mystery, what can I say?
We're blind by design ♪

♪ And history keeps getting paid
To change its mind ♪

♪ Some wounds ♪

♪ Will never mend ♪

♪ Divided by deception
But together we must rise ♪

♪ Deafened by the naive
While we silence the wise ♪

♪ So sit back ♪

♪ Relax, begin ♪

♪ It's too early for surrender ♪

♪ Too late for a prayer ♪

♪ We can't go to hell
If we're already there ♪

♪ They say the end is coming ♪

♪ And I need to prepare ♪

♪ We can't go to hell
If we're already there ♪

[instrumental music playing]