Original subtitles

[♪ theme music playing]

♪ Putting up fake spider webs for Halloween ♪

♪ But maybe a real spider will use them ♪

♪ Because his little silk shooter thing is broken ♪

♪ I think it's called the web weiner ♪

[Bob] Hmm.

[Linda] Hey, kids, how was school?

- Math-y, did you math? - Don't math, don't tell.

Hey, so any progress on our Halloween costumes?

Those things don't make themselves, you know.

Tick tock. Right, lady?

Nope. Not yet.

I've been down here all day.

Why? And don't say because of the restaurant.

We got plenty of time.

Halloween's still, like, a week and a half away.

Wait, what are your costumes again?

Rocky Bal-boa constrictor.

Gene Tripplehorn.

Me with three horns.

Here, here, and dealer's choice.

I'm gonna be that bridge from Bridgerton.

I haven't seen it, but I'm assuming the bridge is a big character.

- Sounds right. - Hey, everybody.

- [Bob and Tina] Hey! - [Gene] Waddup?

Hey, Teddy! Haven't seen you all day.

Even though you're working right next door at the creepatorium place.

It's not a creepatorium, Mother,

it's an occult boutique.

The best kind of boutique.

- What's it called again? - Freaky Antiquies.

Teddy, tell us everything.

Start with the freakiest thing you've seen, and then go from there.

Uh, a cursed necklace with spikes pointing towards your throat.

- What? - Black magic dice with mysterious symbols.

- You roll them and they decide your fate. - Ho!

It's creepy being in there, but I couldn't turn it down.

Guy offered me a lot of money.

Rush job, right?

Yeah, he wants the whole place open in three days.

Said he does 60% of his business the week before Halloween,

so he needs it open ASAP.

That means "as soon as possible."

Thank you, Lin.

Yeah, I did the painting, wallpaper, and shelves,

but now he wants me to build some kind of bulletproof glass case

for his very special items.

- Whoa. - He wants a digital code lock on it too,

which I said I knew how to do, even though I kind of don't.

That's like me with wiping.

But enough about this job.

Bob, did you end up getting those tickets

for you and Linda for the Halloween-themed Cake performance?

It's actually called Cake Me to Hell.

And no, we didn't get tickets.

Every time one of these Cake spinoffs comes to town,

it sells out, like right away.

And there have been a lot of them.

Cakes On A Plane, The Nutcaker,

Cakin' It To The Streets, a Doobie Brothers experience.

Well, you guys could at least try to get standby tickets.

Standby tickets?

Yeah, you go down there and you wait for no-shows,

and if you're lucky, you score discounted seats.

Okay, uh, yeah. Let's do that.

What do you think, Linda? Should we do it?

All right. Cheap Cake for the cheapskates.

I should go wash my Cake shirt.

You wash your clothes, Dad?

I wash Cake shirt.

[Linda] Bye, kids.

Wish us luck getting into Cake!

- Good luck getting a cake. - Good luck.

Have her home by 10:00, and don't be late.

I'm changing the locks at 10:01.

We're not running a youth hostel here.

Oh, hey, Teddy.

Wow. Still working, huh?

I'm on a deadline. Gotta finish up the display case before tomorrow.

Aw. Okay, bye.

We're gonna go Cake our moneymakers.

Teddy, you're working in an occult store at night,

when all the freaky stuff happens?

- I try not to think of it that way, but-- - This is fantastic, Teddy.

Hold on, hold on.

Hi, Teddy. If it makes you feel better, you don't look that scared.

I mean, a little, in your eyes.

- Okay. - Here, catch.

- Wait, what? What's this? - A walkie-talkie.

In case things start coming to life in there and attacking you,

we want to hear... I mean, um, help.

We want to help you.

Oh, okay.

- Teddy. - Aah! Oh.

- Hey, Gabriel. - Hi.

Can we chat inside?

Sure.

Whoa! Did you see that guy?

Yeah, he looked like a vampire.

But also someone that works in a vape store.

Oh, lovely. My voodoo dolls arrived.

Still no haunted jukebox, though.

That's annoying, but my sign did come. Excellent.

[reading]

I saw it on eBay.

- I thought it was funny... - [chuckles]

- ...but also, it's true. - Uh-huh.

How's the display case coming along?

Good. I just have to put that digital lock on that you wanted,

which I totally know how to do.

So you should be able to open the store by tomorrow.

Wonderful. I have a mask in this box.

We need to lock it in there as soon as possible.

I have to drive to Bog Harbor tonight to pick something up.

I would keep the mask with me,

but I don't want to be in the car with it that long,

because it is powerful and terrifying,

and I would not feel safe.

Oh, but I'll be okay with the mask?

I mean, probably?

Just don't look it directly in the eye holes.

Okay. Aah! I did it right away.

It's okay. One time is probably okay.

Aah! Damn it, I did it again!

- Okay, maybe just-- - Aah! I can't stop!

- I keep doing it. - All right, I'm just gonna close this up.

I have to get going.

Remember, once you complete the case, put the mask inside and lock it,

and most importantly,

do not let anyone into this store tonight.

Not even me.

Got it. Wait, not even you?

No, because there's a very good chance it won't be me.

It will be someone who looks like me,

who will swear to you that they are me.

Uh, but if it's not you, who is it?

My brother Gideon.

Some people call him my evil twin.

Because we were born on the same day, and he's evil.

- Oh. - But he'd do just about anything

to get his hands on this mask.

Anything.

Okay, we all set then?

Uh, should we come up with maybe a code word

that we can say to each other,

so I know when it is you?

Uh, sure.

What about "Mephistopheles"?

The fallen angel of German folklore?

Oh, I was thinking something simpler like "puppy,"

but we can do Mevicici...

- Mavisoc... Mavisoc-- - Let's just do "puppy."

Great. [chuckles] Puppy.

Well, I'm skedaddling.

Lock this door behind me, please.

And remember, let no one inside.

Not even you.

Not even me.

Good man.

[locks door]

[screams]

Stupid voodoo dolls!

Sorry, you're fine.

Don't voodoo me.

[♪ suspenseful music playing]

- [radio static] - Aah!

[Louise] Teddy, come in.

Hi, I'm here.

[Louise] Great. So was that guy you were talking to a vampire or Satan himself?

Uh, I mean, he dropped off the scariest mask I've ever seen in my life.

So that's here with me now.

Oh, and at some point, his evil twin brother might show up and try to steal it.

- Amazing. - Teddy, it's Tina, from the restaurant.

It's okay to be scared.

I mean, you're alone and you have so much to be scared about.

That's helpful.

[Louise] Listen, we're right next door, so we can keep an eye on the street.

Also, you should probably send us a picture of the mask

so I can see how horrifying it is.

Text us on the emergency phone.

Oh, God. Okay. But I'm not supposed to look it in the eyes,

so I'm gonna shoot it without looking at it.

[Gene] Don't forget to get one silly one.

- [screams] - Whoa!

I want one.

- Should've ironed this, right? - It's fine.

Ooh, bacon-wrapped hot dog cart over there.

Aw! They smell good. They probably do that on purpose, right?

To attract more people to the arts.

Oh, the line's moving.

Yep, line's moving. Here we go.

Please, let there be enough Cake for us.

You're in luck, folks.

Two more no-shows means last two seats go to you.

- Yes! - Yay!

We're here! We're here! Sorry we're late.

Someone had a kidney stone.

Oh, looks like the no-shows are yes-shows.

Sorry, you two.

He didn't seem that sorry at all,

based on the way he slammed the window.

Well, since we're dressed up,

should we go have a nice dinner

at the bacon-wrapped hot dog stand?

We could slap them together like the Cake show.

Yeah, okay.

Teddy, I searched "evil mask," "murder mask," "haunted mask,"

and I haven't found anything that matches.

[Teddy] Good. I'd rather not know anything, Louise.

I just want to put the lock on this case,

and walk out that door as soon as possible.

Uh, maybe don't walk out too soon because he's coming back.

- Hello. - Aah!

Hi. I forgot my glasses.

Could you let me in?

Uh, I don't think I could do that.

You told me that if someone that looks exactly like you shows up,

don't let you in.

Yes, I said that.

And good job, by the way.

But it's me, Gabriel,

and I need those glasses to drive at night,

and then after I leave, go back to not letting me in.

What's the code word?

Oh, uh...

Seriously? You don't remember the code word?

You said it should be a weird one.

I said it should be puppy and--

Right, yes, "puppy."

Argh! I just gave it away.

Come on, don't... don't be like that.

Just... just open the door.

I'm sorry. I can't.

Fine. I'll just drive back to my place to get my other pair of glasses,

which make my nose look quite bad, but whatever.

You're welcome.

Teddy, what happened? Over.

[Teddy] Well, he said he was Gabriel, but I don't know.

He said he forgot his driving-at-night glasses.

- [Gene] Typical. - [Tina] Wait, he's coming back again.

- [knocking at door] - Oh, God.

Uh, hi?

Hi, could you please let me in?

What? Didn't we just go over this?

Right, no, sure, I know,

but it's a bit of an emergency.

You see, I had some soft cheeses,

and it's put quite a spell on my bowels.

I need to use the toilet immediately.

You didn't need to use it two minutes ago?

Uh-huh, yep, that's right. [chuckles]

That is the dark power of dairy.

Please. If I keep having to not open the door for you,

I'm never gonna finish this digital lock.

Digital... What?

Lock. Digital lock for the display case.

Oh, right, right, right. Right.

- Do you not remember? - No, no, no, no.

I remember. I... That's why I said "right."

It's just, my bowels are clouding my memory.

Uh, and how much longer do you think that will take?

I don't know. An hour, maybe?

I definitely know how to do it.

Yes, of course you do.

I'll find another place to summon my demons.

I'll see you soon.

- Okay. - Very soon.

- What was the last part? - Nothing. I'll just... Just see you later.

Teddy, come in. Are you okay? Over.

[Teddy] No, I don't like this.

This is why you don't work for twins.

[Louise] You need to hide that mask. Right now.

What? Why?

[Louise] Because what if that was the evil twin, which it's got to be, right?

And he comes back and he overpowers you and gets in.

He's gonna overpower me?

And then he grabs the mask, and then the evil twin has the evil mask.

Aah! You should keep those two things separate, I bet.

Uh, okay, I'll hide it.

- [Louise] Somewhere good. - [Gene] Maybe the Cayman Islands.

Mmm. Oh.

Should we go back and have one more?

Maybe. And then afterward, we just go straight to the hospital.

[gasps] Bob, look, it's a skeleton Cake person.

Oh, my God. I think I recognize that guy.

I'm pretty sure that's one of the original cast members from when we first saw Cake.

You should go say hi.

- What? No. - Come on, we're going.

- Linda, no. No! - Hi.

- Hello. Hi. - Oh, God.

Hi. Sorry, but I, um...

I love Cake.

Thank you. I appreciate that.

- Yeah, I wear this other times, too. - Uh-huh.

We tried to see the show tonight, but we didn't get in.

But we saw you when the original Cake came through here.

Shouldn't you be in there right now?

I'm actually only in the second act, as skeleton number three.

- Wait, what? - Oh. Well, I bet he's the best one.

Not really. I'm just in the back,

patty-caking a guy dressed as a candy corn.

It's humiliating, frankly.

- That's crazy. - I agree.

I was just standing here wondering if I should walk away.

Uh, you're gonna walk away?

Thinking about it. In fact,

talking to you might be just the push I needed.

- Oh, God. - On second thought,

- maybe we shouldn't have said hi. - Maybe not.

Okay. I hid the mask in the basement.

Is anyone out there?

[Gene] Nope. I mean, I don't think so.

We had a bit of a snack attack. [chuckles]

Don't worry. No one got hurt. [chuckles nervously]

- Except for that banana. - [knocking on door]

[man] Hello? I got a delivery for... Gabriel. Hello?

Oh, it's just the delivery guy.

Hey. Sorry. That must be the haunted jukebox.

Uh-huh, sure, whatever.

I need a signature.

Could you do me a favor and just slide the form under the door?

I... Okay.

- [Teddy] So just sign anywhere? - Where it says "signature."

[Teddy] Okay. Here you go.

So how do you want to get this in there?

[groaning] I got it. I got it.

You stay back. I'm fine. I'm fine.

Okay, so I got that inside.

- Gracefully. - Holy crap!

The Veraxion executioner's mask!

Originally used in the Middle Ages,

the Veraxion executioners wore the mask to strike fear

and protect their anonymity.

Okay, that's plenty. Thanks.

[Louise] The mask became notorious

after a series of sensational murders in London

- in the 1880s. - Yup, got it.

An occult group claimed the masks granted them immortality

when worn during ritualistic murders.

It is believed they killed at least eight people before fleeing to Eastern Europe.

Stop! Stop! No more about the mask!

[Gene] Teddy, it's okay. The door's locked, and the mask is hidden.

And there are no crazy murderers in there to use it on you. So you're fine.

Right. Right. Okay.

Nothing to worry about. Safe inside.

[sighs]

How are you feeling, Teddy? How's our boy?

[Teddy] I'm okay, given the circumstances.

Actually, I think I'm about to finish this in...

- [beeping] - I did it. I got the digital lock to work.

Told you I knew how to do it.

[Tina] Congratulations.

[Gene] You did the thing you told your employer you were going to do.

- Hmm. That's weird. - [Louise] What?

The jukebox. It's open.

And there's none of the things inside. There's no records.

[Louise] What the hell? Why would...

Oh, boy.

Well, what, "oh, boy?" Don't say "oh, boy."

[Louise] Well, I'm just thinking that, what if someone was hiding in there?

- Oh, boy. - [Gene] So there might be someone

in the store with Teddy.

Oh, no. No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

[Louise] Oh, my God.

What if this was the plan all along?

What are you talking about? What was the plan?

[Louise] To sacrifice you.

What? Who's sacrificing me?

The evil twin? Oh, my God.

[Louise] No, no, no, Teddy.

What if there was no twin?

No twin?

[Louise] It all makes sense.

Gabriel gives you a job in his shop,

he acquires this freaky mask,

he makes up this evil twin story,

orchestrates this whole scenario where you publicly

turn him away several times,

witnesses can attest to it,

then you just wheel him right in undetected in the jukebox.

[Gene] Lord knows what he did to all those golden oldies in there.

[Louise] He gets out of the jukebox, sacrifices you,

I'm so sorry, the cops find you dead,

Gabriel looks like a completely innocent guy

you wouldn't even let in the store.

Oh, God, what do I do?

[Louise] You run, Teddy.

You run like hell.

Aah!

Where is the mask?

I'm not telling you.

If I tell you it's in the basement, then you'll know-- Oh, damn it!

Take me to it.

- Can I not? - No.

When we first started doing Cake,

it was about something, you know?

We were young and opinionated.

We were reacting to the first Gulf War.

- This? It's a joke. - Totally.

There's a sequence in the original show.

We called it "The Baker's Man."

Oh, I know The Baker's Man.

That's all about the military industrial complex

- and where we are as a society. - Amazing.

Well, I reminded the director of this production about The Baker's Man.

I told him it means more now than ever, and he said,

"No one would get it, no one would care."

Unbelievable ignorance.

Still, don't walk away, right? What would you do?

I don't know, finish my PhD?

No, don't do that.

Look, I just want to say, I think I would be a huge mess.

I've got a lot of blood, like more than the average person,

so you're looking at a lot of clean up, and then I'm pretty hairy,

so I don't know if you'd have to shave me beforehand, but--

Uh, yeah, you don't have to talk.

Okay, fine. Here's the mask.

And I'm just gonna hand it to you-- [grunts]

- Oh, bloody hell. - Sorry.

[whimpering]

- Hello. - [screams] What the...

Thank you for holding the door. How polite.

- Can you help me with this altar? - Altar?

Yeah, that's why I went to Bog Harbor, to meet the dealer.

It's nice, right? Slavic, sacrificial.

It's got a few dings and dagger nicks,

but I think that makes it charming.

Anyway, don't forget to lift with your legs.

One, two...

- Gideon. - Gabriel.

Aah! You're both here to do it.

Teddy, give me the mask.

No, Teddy,

- give me the mask. - Don't come near me.

[shrieks]

I finished the case, by the way.

Teddy, can you hear us? Teddy, come in. Over.

Damn it! Gabriel came back. Now both twins are in there.

So wait, there are twins? I'm so confused.

Yeah. Turns out the whole "just one guy" theory

that Tina had was very wrong.

- What? - [sighs] We gotta get help.

- We should call the police. - And tell them

there may or may not be one to two evil twins

using an evil mask to sacrifice our handyman, we think, we're not sure?

- Yeah, maybe not. - Call Mom and Dad?

You think they have their phones on in Cake?

- [both] Right. - We gotta help Teddy.

We've got to go over there.

[both] What?

Fitz, there you are. Two-minute warning.

Thanks.

In two minutes, they're gonna realize

I'm taking the PhD train.

Next stop, New Life Town.

Okay, wait. What if there's someone like me

in the audience tonight?

Someone who didn't realize the power of Cake, and then they see you,

and it makes them believe in magic and beauty.

Even if one person experiences that, isn't it worth it?

Well, ideally, it's more than one person.

That's... that's so few.

But maybe you're right.

- Really? - You know what?

I'm gonna go back in there,

and patty my cakes off.

That's the spirit.

Hey, I'd love to have you two as my guests for the show...

- [gasps] Wow. - Oh, my God, yes!

...but I can't. Sorry.

- [both] Oh. - I can't even get my parents on the list.

But I could give you a high five.

[gasps] Oh, my God.

Oh, boy. Such a small space.

So little air. Otherwise, this would be a perfect plan.

Teddy, can you get out so we can talk about this?

No, I'm claustrophobic, but I'm even more sacrificophobic.

What? What is he talking about?

Oh, he thinks we're going to sacrifice him.

That's why he told me about his hairy body.

I was like, "What?"

How did you even get in here?

Did you hide in the haunted jukebox?

Guilty.

I knew you'd do something like this.

Oh, please. You're the one that stole the mask from me.

Oh, this again. The mask is mine, Teddy.

We used to own a shop together.

Evil twins, dark delights.

But we recently split and divided the inventory...

[both] And the mask should go to me.

No, no, no, no. I purchased it.

Yes, but I located it.

At least I didn't run off in the middle of the night with it.

[Gabriel] No. You just smuggled yourself into my shop

inside my haunted jukebox.

Who even knows if it's still haunted now?

Yeah, so are you gonna sacrifice me?

Because that feels like really important information.

- [both] No. - We sell the stuff,

we don't play with it.

Well, except for the voodoo dolls.

- We do like a bit of voodoo. - [both laughing]

Okay, so I'd like to come out now.

Great, yeah. So how do we open it?

Punch in 0000, and then the pound sign.

Okay.

- [lock buzzes] - Hmm.

Uh, try it again.

[beeps, buzzes]

Are you hitting the pound sign?

Yes, yes, I am. Yeah, one second.

[beeps, buzzes]

Oh, my God. I can't get out.

I'm losing air. I'm gonna die in here!

Wait, wait. Gabes, you know that's not the pound sign, right?

That's the star sign.

Oh, wait, then what's the pound sign?

- Oh, my God! - That.

Oh, that's the pound sign? Then what's the star sign?

- [Teddy shouting] - That's the star sign.

See? It looks like a little star.

[chuckles] I mean, not exactly,

- but I sort of see what they're going for. - [Teddy screams]

- [lock beeps] - Oh. Oh, dear God.

Okay, well, Teddy, uh, thanks for all the great work.

I mean, there's a lot of your sweat inside the case now,

but I can clean that out.

Listen, I just want to say, you guys seem like you had a good thing going.

It's sad to see that end over an argument.

I personally think you guys should try to work it out.

Who knows? Maybe you'll find a buyer for this thing.

Oh, I found one.

- You did? - I received an offer this evening,

which is why I came in the creative way that I did.

- Well, who is it? - Uh, Mansfield.

Mansfield?

He likes me. I bet I could bump the price up a bit.

See? That's great.

Who is this guy, like a history buff or something?

Oh, no, no.

This is a terrifying person,

- with dark purposes. - Oh.

Yeah. He's going to do some terrible things with that mask.

Which, you know, to each his own.

- It's none of our business. - Except for that it's...

[both] ...literally our business.

[both laugh]

Okay, so we all have our weapons.

Fork, whisk, zester.

We run in there and attack anything that's not Teddy.

Unless we're wrong, then we pivot to small talk.

- Let's go. - Dear God, please just be lemons in there.

On three.

One, two...

[all screaming]

I can't believe you missed the high five.

The first time, but the second time I nailed it.

Kinda. You made a weird noise.

I... I did.

[screaming]

- Teddy? - Huh.

[screaming]

- [grunts] - [water splashes]

Should we go after him?

Or we just split the insurance money on the mask. Call it a day.

I love that you said that. Yes, let's do that.

Hmm. A fork, a whisk, and a zester.

Are you hunting werewolves?

Yes, obviously.

- Bye. - Welcome to the neighborhood.

Trash days are Thursdays. [chuckles]

Hey, I found my Halloween costume!

[♪ upbeat music playing]

♪ Freaky Antiquies ♪

[cackling]

♪ Freaky Antiquies ♪

[echoing cackling]

♪ Patty-cake, patty-cake, baker's man ♪

♪ Bake me a cake as fast as you can ♪

♪ Patty-cake, patty-cake, burger man ♪

♪ Tried to high-five but it didn't land ♪

♪ Patty-cake, patty-cake, handyman ♪

♪ Hairy sacrificial lamb ♪

♪ Patty-cake, patty-cake, Belcher kid ♪

♪ What were you gonna do with that zester ♪