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1
00:01:10,003 --> 00:01:26,000
Come on, you wouldn't
be doing something illegal,
2
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per se, all you have
to do is drive the car.
3
00:01:29,003 --> 00:01:31,000
Ma, I said forget it, I got a job.
4
00:01:31,003 --> 00:01:34,000
Yeah, some job, you
don't even have an office.
5
00:01:34,003 --> 00:01:37,000
I have an office, I
just don't have walls.
6
00:01:37,003 --> 00:01:40,000
Admit it, Tobe,
you're a pencil sharpener.
7
00:01:40,003 --> 00:01:43,000
Look, I'm important
here, I got responsibilities.
8
00:01:43,003 --> 00:01:44,000
I make creative decisions.
9
00:01:44,003 --> 00:01:46,000
Toby, could you give me some paperclips?
10
00:01:46,003 --> 00:01:47,916
And I need the regular
metal ones, okay,
11
00:01:47,928 --> 00:01:50,000
not the little plastic
ones like last time.
12
00:01:50,003 --> 00:01:51,000
I'll get right on it.
13
00:01:51,003 --> 00:01:52,000
Thanks.
14
00:01:52,003 --> 00:01:54,000
Hello, Mrs. Petalbee.
15
00:01:54,003 --> 00:01:55,000
How's it hanging, Martin?
16
00:02:00,003 --> 00:02:03,000
It is so exciting watching you work.
17
00:02:03,003 --> 00:02:04,000
You're at the top of your game.
18
00:02:04,003 --> 00:02:06,000
Ma, will you stop it already?
19
00:02:06,003 --> 00:02:07,000
What do you know?
20
00:02:07,003 --> 00:02:09,000
Excuse me, can I help you?
21
00:02:09,003 --> 00:02:11,000
I'm looking for Martin Tupper.
22
00:02:11,003 --> 00:02:13,000
Really, do you have an appointment?
23
00:02:13,003 --> 00:02:14,000
Not really.
24
00:02:14,003 --> 00:02:15,000
Does he know you?
25
00:02:15,003 --> 00:02:17,000
I'm afraid not.
26
00:02:17,003 --> 00:02:18,000
Go right in.
27
00:02:18,003 --> 00:02:23,000
Ma, I said forget it.
28
00:02:23,003 --> 00:02:24,000
Mr. Tupper?
29
00:02:26,003 --> 00:02:28,000
Ha ha, a bevy of beauty.
30
00:02:28,003 --> 00:02:29,000
Yes.
31
00:02:29,003 --> 00:02:31,000
I know you're probably very busy, but
32
00:02:31,003 --> 00:02:35,000
I was wondering if you could
take a look at this manuscript.
33
00:02:35,003 --> 00:02:36,000
Makeover!
34
00:02:36,003 --> 00:02:39,000
I'm sorry, we really don't
accept unsolicited material yet.
35
00:02:39,003 --> 00:02:39,000
Toby?
36
00:02:39,003 --> 00:02:40,724
Please, I have
already been to 22
37
00:02:40,736 --> 00:02:43,000
publishers and you're
the last one on the list.
38
00:02:43,003 --> 00:02:45,000
Thank you, thank
you, that's quite an honor.
39
00:02:45,003 --> 00:02:47,000
No, I'm sorry, I
didn't mean it like that.
40
00:02:47,003 --> 00:02:51,000
Just take a look at the first page.
41
00:02:51,003 --> 00:02:53,000
I think you're going to like this.
42
00:02:53,003 --> 00:02:55,000
Look, our roster
is pretty full right now.
43
00:02:55,003 --> 00:02:57,000
Why don't you just have
your agent give us a call.
44
00:02:57,003 --> 00:03:02,000
Okay, look, I wasn't going
to tell anyone this, but it was,
45
00:03:02,003 --> 00:03:06,000
it was written by Theodore Dreykov.
46
00:03:06,003 --> 00:03:09,000
Chikalini here may talk like
an idiot and look like an idiot, but
47
00:03:09,003 --> 00:03:10,000
don't let that fool you.
48
00:03:10,003 --> 00:03:12,000
Look, lady, I'm not an idiot, okay?
49
00:03:12,003 --> 00:03:13,000
Dreykov died two years ago.
50
00:03:13,003 --> 00:03:18,000
Yes, I know, I'm
Aina Dreykov, his widow.
51
00:03:18,003 --> 00:03:19,000
He really is an idiot.
52
00:03:19,003 --> 00:03:23,000
My God, I'm very, very sorry.
53
00:03:23,003 --> 00:03:26,000
My condolences, please, sit down.
54
00:03:26,003 --> 00:03:29,000
So, so then you're interested.
55
00:03:29,003 --> 00:03:30,000
Interested?
56
00:03:30,003 --> 00:03:34,000
My God, I killed Ed at a
postcard by Theodore Dreykov.
57
00:03:34,003 --> 00:03:42,000
Well, that's good, because
this isn't your usual Dreykov book.
58
00:03:42,003 --> 00:03:44,000
No.
59
00:03:44,003 --> 00:03:49,000
Ted wrote it as sort
of a love letter to me.
60
00:03:49,003 --> 00:03:53,000
All. It's very, very special.
61
00:03:53,003 --> 00:04:03,000
Great, great, I can't wait to read it.
62
00:04:03,003 --> 00:04:06,000
I just, can I?
63
00:04:06,003 --> 00:04:08,000
Yes, of course.
64
00:04:08,003 --> 00:04:15,000
All I'm saying is do yourself
a favor, don't have children.
65
00:04:15,003 --> 00:04:16,430
That way you won't
have to watch your
66
00:04:16,442 --> 00:04:18,000
daughter flush her
life down the toilet.
67
00:04:18,003 --> 00:04:22,000
Ma, isn't there some place you gotta be?
68
00:04:22,003 --> 00:04:25,000
Well, yeah, I've got
my parole guy a tree.
69
00:04:25,003 --> 00:04:27,000
Well, I suppose I could walk slow.
70
00:04:27,003 --> 00:04:28,000
Why don't you?
71
00:04:28,003 --> 00:04:32,000
All right, I'll call you later, sweetie.
72
00:04:32,003 --> 00:04:35,000
It's been fun.
73
00:04:49,003 --> 00:04:51,000
This is really special.
74
00:04:51,003 --> 00:04:54,000
Is the tone consistent?
75
00:04:54,003 --> 00:04:58,000
Yes, they have sex on every page.
76
00:04:58,003 --> 00:04:59,000
Wow.
77
00:04:59,003 --> 00:05:01,000
First time I ever
saw steam heat in print.
78
00:05:01,003 --> 00:05:05,000
A new Dreykov book, I mean,
do you realize the press this will get?
79
00:05:05,003 --> 00:05:08,000
Press, no, no, no,
wait, you don't understand.
80
00:05:08,003 --> 00:05:10,000
I can't have Ted's name on this.
81
00:05:10,003 --> 00:05:13,000
If we don't put his name on it, I
mean, no one's gonna know he wrote it.
82
00:05:13,003 --> 00:05:17,000
Exactly, I don't want people
knowing Ted wrote anything like this.
83
00:05:17,003 --> 00:05:20,000
I wouldn't even be doing
this if I didn't need the money.
84
00:05:20,003 --> 00:05:23,000
I have to be honest with you
now, if it's the money you want,
85
00:05:23,003 --> 00:05:25,000
the name is the way to go.
86
00:05:25,003 --> 00:05:28,000
No, I'm sorry.
87
00:05:28,003 --> 00:05:30,000
I had a feeling this
wasn't going to work out.
88
00:05:33,003 --> 00:05:35,000
Don't you want to say something?
89
00:05:35,003 --> 00:05:41,000
All right, all right, I'll tell you
what, we'll make up the name.
90
00:05:41,003 --> 00:05:43,000
Thank you, thank you so much.
91
00:05:43,003 --> 00:05:45,000
I'll just clear this with my publisher.
92
00:05:45,003 --> 00:05:49,000
No, no, no one else can know about this.
93
00:05:49,003 --> 00:05:51,000
No one.
94
00:05:51,003 --> 00:05:54,000
I don't know, now you're
asking me to lie to my boss.
95
00:05:54,003 --> 00:05:55,000
He's not a big fan
of that sort of thing.
96
00:05:55,003 --> 00:05:56,000
But you'll do it.
97
00:05:56,003 --> 00:06:01,000
A lie is the same as the
truth if the result is all right.
98
00:06:01,003 --> 00:06:02,000
Sure.
99
00:06:02,003 --> 00:06:07,000
Thank you.
100
00:06:07,003 --> 00:06:08,000
You don't know how much this means to me.
101
00:06:08,003 --> 00:06:11,000
Bye bye now.
102
00:06:16,003 --> 00:06:18,000
This is the chance of a lifetime.
103
00:06:18,003 --> 00:06:20,000
Toby, I need a copy of this right away.
104
00:06:20,003 --> 00:06:24,000
What do you think of
the name Toby Petalby?
105
00:06:24,003 --> 00:06:24,000
It's very nice.
106
00:06:24,003 --> 00:06:25,000
Now look.
107
00:06:25,003 --> 00:06:30,000
I think it would look good
in print on a book like this one.
108
00:06:30,003 --> 00:06:30,000
You know what I mean?
109
00:06:30,003 --> 00:06:34,000
No, no, no, no, no.
110
00:06:34,003 --> 00:06:35,000
Why not?
111
00:06:35,003 --> 00:06:36,000
I always wanted to write a book.
112
00:06:36,003 --> 00:06:38,000
This way I could skip a step.
113
00:06:38,003 --> 00:06:40,000
Absolutely not.
114
00:06:40,003 --> 00:06:42,000
End of discussion.
115
00:06:42,003 --> 00:06:42,000
Gee, that's too bad.
116
00:06:42,003 --> 00:06:44,000
I hope I can keep you a little secret.
117
00:06:47,003 --> 00:06:48,000
Good, hello, partner.
118
00:06:54,003 --> 00:06:55,489
I haven't been
this excited since I
119
00:06:55,501 --> 00:06:57,000
got a hum job from
that soprano behind
120
00:06:57,003 --> 00:06:58,000
the Sydney Opera House.
121
00:06:58,003 --> 00:07:02,000
So, do you like it?
122
00:07:02,003 --> 00:07:03,000
Like it?
123
00:07:03,003 --> 00:07:05,013
Marty, you should get
down on your knobby
124
00:07:05,025 --> 00:07:07,000
knees and kiss our
little wombat's feet.
125
00:07:07,003 --> 00:07:10,000
Toby, my love, you've
just sold yourself a book.
126
00:07:10,003 --> 00:07:13,000
This is a dream come true.
127
00:07:13,003 --> 00:07:16,000
When I think of all the hours I
spent in my little room typing,
128
00:07:16,003 --> 00:07:19,000
I'm never dreaming I'd get to
jam my fish with the whole world.
129
00:07:19,003 --> 00:07:20,000
Zip it.
130
00:07:20,003 --> 00:07:22,000
Anyway, it's nice.
131
00:07:22,003 --> 00:07:23,000
Well, backpacks all around.
132
00:07:23,003 --> 00:07:25,000
Canada.
133
00:07:25,003 --> 00:07:29,000
So, when do we get to the feet kissing?
134
00:07:29,003 --> 00:07:31,000
Blow me.
135
00:07:39,003 --> 00:07:41,000
The Milk Mate by Toby Petalby.
136
00:07:51,003 --> 00:08:11,000
Well, I'll tell you, the advanced
publicity has been just great.
137
00:08:12,003 --> 00:08:13,000
Wow.
138
00:08:13,003 --> 00:08:15,000
Wow.
139
00:08:15,003 --> 00:08:18,000
This was Theodore Dreykov's study?
140
00:08:21,003 --> 00:08:23,000
I can't believe I'm
actually here, you know?
141
00:08:23,003 --> 00:08:27,000
I haven't touched a
thing since the day he died.
142
00:08:27,003 --> 00:08:29,000
Sort of a little shrine to Ted.
143
00:08:34,003 --> 00:08:34,000
So it is?
144
00:08:34,003 --> 00:08:36,000
It's a little weird, isn't it?
145
00:08:36,003 --> 00:08:39,000
Cut me out of here.
146
00:08:39,003 --> 00:08:41,000
No, no, no, no, no, don't be silly.
147
00:08:43,003 --> 00:08:44,000
Wow.
148
00:08:44,003 --> 00:08:48,000
So this was his desk,
and then this typewriter.
149
00:08:48,003 --> 00:08:54,000
Oh, his telephone,
and this dead big thing.
150
00:08:54,003 --> 00:08:56,000
But wait till you see this.
151
00:08:56,003 --> 00:08:59,000
It's Ted Harley.
152
00:08:59,003 --> 00:09:01,000
Really?
153
00:09:01,003 --> 00:09:03,000
It's hard to picture Theodore
Dreykov riding a motorcycle.
154
00:09:03,003 --> 00:09:06,000
We used to ride together a lot.
155
00:09:07,000 --> 00:09:11,000
He loved it so much.
156
00:09:11,003 --> 00:09:18,000
I'd sit behind him, my arms
wrapped around him, and.
157
00:09:22,003 --> 00:09:24,000
Anyway.
158
00:09:24,003 --> 00:09:26,000
Well, I thought you
might want a copy of this.
159
00:09:26,003 --> 00:09:30,000
Oh, straight to paperback.
160
00:09:30,003 --> 00:09:31,000
Sorry, baby.
161
00:09:31,003 --> 00:09:34,000
And here's a little bookmark for you.
162
00:09:34,003 --> 00:09:39,000
Thank you.
163
00:09:39,003 --> 00:09:45,000
You don't know how good this makes me feel.
164
00:09:45,003 --> 00:09:50,000
Grace.
165
00:09:50,003 --> 00:09:52,000
Thanks.
166
00:09:52,003 --> 00:09:53,000
Well, I guess I should be going.
167
00:09:53,003 --> 00:10:00,000
Wait, I wanna give you these.
168
00:10:00,003 --> 00:10:03,000
They were tits.
169
00:10:04,000 --> 00:10:06,000
No, no, no, really.
170
00:10:06,003 --> 00:10:09,000
Please, you've been so wonderful,
it would really mean a lot to me.
171
00:10:09,003 --> 00:10:12,000
They're tits balls.
172
00:10:15,003 --> 00:10:18,000
You'd save them?
173
00:10:18,003 --> 00:10:21,000
He liked to roll them around
in his hand when he was thinking.
174
00:10:32,003 --> 00:10:34,000
Boy.
175
00:10:42,003 --> 00:10:49,000
Are you okay?
176
00:10:49,003 --> 00:10:52,000
Uh-huh.
177
00:10:52,003 --> 00:10:54,000
I'm sorry.
178
00:10:54,003 --> 00:10:58,000
It's just that I miss him so much.
179
00:11:01,003 --> 00:11:04,445
It's been almost
two years and seeing
180
00:11:04,457 --> 00:11:08,000
you there by the desk,
hearing the sound.
181
00:11:10,003 --> 00:11:12,000
It's all right.
182
00:11:19,003 --> 00:11:22,000
It's gonna make it.
183
00:11:30,003 --> 00:11:34,000
You feel so good.
184
00:11:34,003 --> 00:11:35,000
So do you.
185
00:11:45,003 --> 00:11:58,000
What is your name?
186
00:11:58,003 --> 00:11:59,000
Robert.
187
00:11:59,003 --> 00:12:01,000
To Robert.
188
00:12:01,003 --> 00:12:04,000
Now let me see.
189
00:12:04,003 --> 00:12:07,000
Roses are red, violets are blue.
190
00:12:07,003 --> 00:12:11,000
I wrote a book and sold it to you.
191
00:12:11,003 --> 00:12:13,000
This is exciting.
192
00:12:13,003 --> 00:12:15,000
Feel my nipples, Marty,
you could cut glass with them.
193
00:12:15,003 --> 00:12:17,000
No, no, thanks, I'll pass.
194
00:12:17,003 --> 00:12:20,000
I'm starting to get
writer's cramp in my dairy ear.
195
00:12:20,003 --> 00:12:23,000
Marty, be a good little editor and
get out of this pedal, be a new chair.
196
00:12:23,003 --> 00:12:25,000
Thank you.
That chair is perfectly fine.
197
00:12:25,003 --> 00:12:28,000
Now Marty, will you make Jackie
Collins in a chair like this, would you?
198
00:12:28,003 --> 00:12:31,000
Yes, well, there's one very big
difference between Toby Petalbee and
199
00:12:31,003 --> 00:12:32,000
Jackie Collins.
200
00:12:32,003 --> 00:12:35,000
Yeah, Jackie Collins couldn't
keep a secret to save a life.
201
00:12:35,003 --> 00:12:39,000
That red one over there
on the display looks comfy.
202
00:12:43,003 --> 00:12:43,000
Fine.
203
00:12:43,003 --> 00:12:44,000
Is it good lad?
204
00:12:44,003 --> 00:12:46,000
Yeah.
205
00:12:46,003 --> 00:12:47,000
Interested in saw, Dolly?
206
00:12:47,003 --> 00:12:48,000
Yes.
207
00:12:48,003 --> 00:12:51,000
Hey, hot stuff,
coming through, hot stuff.
208
00:12:51,003 --> 00:12:53,000
Hey, have a white buddy
watching, just a minute.
209
00:12:53,003 --> 00:12:56,000
Hey, look at this.
210
00:12:56,003 --> 00:12:59,000
My daughter, the famous writer.
211
00:12:59,003 --> 00:13:01,000
Ma, these people are standing in line.
212
00:13:01,003 --> 00:13:02,000
No, isn't it wonderful?
213
00:13:03,003 --> 00:13:06,000
Yes, sweetheart, sign this for grandma.
214
00:13:06,003 --> 00:13:09,000
The girls in her cell
are gonna be so jealous.
215
00:13:09,003 --> 00:13:13,000
To Nana, she in five to ten, love Toby.
216
00:13:13,003 --> 00:13:15,000
Could you move that please?
217
00:13:17,003 --> 00:13:18,000
Look at that.
218
00:13:19,003 --> 00:13:21,000
You got Ma working for you now.
219
00:13:21,003 --> 00:13:22,003
Much better.
220
00:13:24,000 --> 00:13:27,000
Honey, I'm so proud of you.
221
00:13:27,003 --> 00:13:30,000
Really?
222
00:13:30,003 --> 00:13:34,000
Yeah, I knew you'd amount to
something if you just put your head to it.
223
00:13:37,003 --> 00:13:39,000
Thanks, Pa.
224
00:13:39,003 --> 00:13:40,000
I love you too.
225
00:13:40,003 --> 00:13:43,000
I love you too, Ma.
226
00:13:43,003 --> 00:13:44,000
See you later, Munchkin.
227
00:13:44,003 --> 00:13:49,000
It's very touching, Munchkin, huh?
228
00:13:49,003 --> 00:13:52,000
Don't even think about it.
229
00:13:52,003 --> 00:13:54,000
What the hell is going on?
230
00:13:54,003 --> 00:13:55,000
What are you doing?
231
00:13:55,003 --> 00:13:57,000
I'm gonna pull my fire.
232
00:13:57,003 --> 00:13:58,000
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I don't want to hit.
233
00:13:58,003 --> 00:13:59,000
Put these in my purse.
234
00:13:59,003 --> 00:14:00,000
This is a frame up.
235
00:14:00,003 --> 00:14:01,000
Hey, be careful.
236
00:14:01,003 --> 00:14:02,000
I told you, you pelted a judge, baby.
237
00:14:02,003 --> 00:14:03,000
Hey, watch it.
238
00:14:03,003 --> 00:14:04,470
Martin, while
you're standing there,
239
00:14:04,482 --> 00:14:06,000
would you give me
a cool glass of water?
240
00:14:07,003 --> 00:14:09,000
They're coming down, yeah.
241
00:14:10,003 --> 00:14:11,000
Let me tell you something.
242
00:14:11,003 --> 00:14:14,000
And I'd like a fresca in a
bar bottle with a wedge of lime.
243
00:14:14,003 --> 00:14:15,000
Anyone else want anything?
244
00:14:15,003 --> 00:14:16,000
New York cell.
245
00:14:34,003 --> 00:14:36,000
This is one of the most wonderful
sensations I've ever experienced.
246
00:14:36,003 --> 00:14:37,000
I feel like a bird.
247
00:14:52,000 --> 00:14:54,000
I feel the presence
of spirits in the room.
248
00:14:54,003 --> 00:14:58,000
I know, wouldn't we be a little
more comfortable in the bedroom?
249
00:14:58,003 --> 00:15:01,000
No, it's so nice right here.
250
00:15:04,003 --> 00:15:07,000
Wait, something wrong?
251
00:15:07,003 --> 00:15:09,000
I'll be right back.
252
00:15:09,003 --> 00:15:12,000
There's something I need you to wear.
253
00:15:12,003 --> 00:15:15,000
Wait a minute, there's something
screwy going on around here.
254
00:15:15,003 --> 00:15:17,000
Try this on.
255
00:15:17,003 --> 00:15:20,000
Smoking jacket, okay.
256
00:15:27,003 --> 00:15:28,000
Was it?
257
00:15:31,003 --> 00:15:32,000
He won't mind.
258
00:16:45,003 --> 00:16:50,000
No, no, no, it
wouldn't be a mini series.
259
00:16:50,003 --> 00:16:54,000
It would just be me on TV sitting
in a chair reading from my book.
260
00:16:54,003 --> 00:16:55,000
Please.
261
00:16:55,003 --> 00:16:56,000
I would watch it.
262
00:16:56,003 --> 00:16:59,000
Yeah, you'd be the only one.
263
00:16:59,003 --> 00:17:03,000
Hi, you've reached the offices
of the Toby Petalby Fan Club.
264
00:17:03,003 --> 00:17:06,000
All our representatives are
busy, so please leave a message.
265
00:17:06,003 --> 00:17:07,000
What the hell is this?
266
00:17:07,003 --> 00:17:08,000
It's an answering machine.
267
00:17:08,003 --> 00:17:10,426
If you're looking
for my Tupper, you
268
00:17:10,438 --> 00:17:13,000
can reach him at home
at 828-5- Hello?
269
00:17:13,003 --> 00:17:14,000
Hello?
270
00:17:14,003 --> 00:17:16,000
Okay, that's it.
271
00:17:16,003 --> 00:17:17,000
That's it.
272
00:17:17,003 --> 00:17:18,000
Enough with the goddamn book.
273
00:17:18,003 --> 00:17:19,989
Now look, I gave you
letters three weeks
274
00:17:20,003 --> 00:17:22,000
ago that are still
sitting on your desk.
275
00:17:22,003 --> 00:17:25,000
Nothing's getting done around
here, so keep up the good work.
276
00:17:25,003 --> 00:17:26,000
You're fantastic.
277
00:17:26,003 --> 00:17:28,000
Yeah, fuck right, geez.
278
00:17:28,003 --> 00:17:29,601
That's what I'm doing here to talk sick.
19617
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