Original subtitles

Americano for Daved.

David, thanks.

Yoooo, Daved!

Oh, hey. Didn't peg you as Books 'n' Beans guys.

Yeah nah, I'm more of a Wowo's guy,

but come here for the special dessert drinks.

I didn't know they did those.

Yeah, gotta order off menu. They'll make anything, though.

Watch this.

Yo, let me get a large ice mocha,

animal-style, with six pumps of caramel and uh,

a scone blended into it.

Uh... sorry, I- I can't do that.

Wait, what are you talking about?

You guys do that for me all the time.

New ownership. Different policies.

New ownership? - Oh no...

Yeah. We were bought out by Blue Star.

Ugh! Yuck!

Ugh... What's Blue Star?

Some corporate chain from Dallas.

They're a soulless inauthentic corporate monstrosity.

♪ [dramatic] ♪

Dude...

No...

Yo, you frickin' kidding me?

Cowboys cockroaches taking over our local coffee shop?

Yo, this is Eagles country, dude!

Uh, can I get the keys to the bathroom?

- No, Hank. - What? Why?

- Because Dallas sucks! They're a giant corporation now!

Ugh. This place is ruined!

Let's get the hell out of here.

Dallas sucks. Dallas sucks.

Corporate conglomerates suck! They friggin' suck!

Shout out to independent ownership!

Yo, get out of here, Daved!

Hi. Can I report a disturbance -

Wait, don't call, we're leaving, sorry.

Buncha sellouts!

♪ Well, I used to work in hot dog factory ♪

♪ until them robots came along, ♪

♪ and now there is no job for me, ♪

♪ but I get three thousand bucks a month. ♪

♪ Thanks to UBI. ♪

♪ Now we're Universal Basic Guys. ♪

♪ It may not sound like much, but we're still gonna try. ♪

♪ We're just Universal Basic Guys. ♪

Yo, screw the Cowboys. Bunch of entitled jerks.

So-called America's team, thinks they can colonize South Jersey?

Not on my watch.

Books 'n' Beans was the one place

that reminded me of Park Slope, and now it's gone.

Dude, we should start our own coffee shop

right here in the garage.

Hmm... that would feel very underground chic.

Wow. This is actually pretty good, Mark.

Where are these beans from?

Oh, there's some local beans.

Oh, look at you, Mark Hoagies, with the locally sourced beans.

I got them at the Wowo's on Route 70.

Ew! God. Yuck!

Dude, what's the big deal? Wowo's got solid beans.

Mark, we're not running an AA meeting, okay?

We can't serve gas station coffee.

Wow. How dare you, David.

Wowo's is not a gas station.

It's a beloved regional convenience

store chain that also sells gas.

Let me put this in terms you'll understand:

Do you want to beat Dallas?

Uh, yes, obviously.

Then we need to find an authentic

farm-to-cup bean source,

and there's no better place than a farmers' market.

Yo, that dude over there looks pretty legit.

Holy Hundred Years of Solitude. Jackpot.

You want coffee?

The beans are from my family farm in

Colombia. Special Golden Beans. You only find them in

a very small region.

David, what are we doing here? The guy clearly speaks English.

- I'm being respectful. - Uh, not to me.

Haha. Best coffee you will ever drink.

We'll see about that, pal, okay.

You ever try Wowo's Holiday Blend?

That sounds disgusting.

Holy moly!

Dude. This is unreal.

Oh my God. This is the best coffee I've ever had!

We'll take it all.

Nice, David. This looks pretty classy, dude.

It's like a Cheesecake Factory in here.

Thanks.

If there's one thing I it's pretentious coffee shops.

Hey Mark uh, these earrings are kinda heavy.

Can I take them out or... - Nah nah, Hank.

You're the cool, hipster barista guy, okay.

It's an essential part of the look.

Nice ink, man.

Oh thanks, yeah. I drew them myself.

Uh... what's going on here?

It's a coffee shop.

We're taking a stand for the culture of Glantontown.

You wanna get in on this?

Yeah, our staff could use a little feminine energy.

Sorry, but the last thing I wanna do after a long shift

is work another job.

I'm gonna open a bottle of wine and watch reruns of Friends.

Yo, forget Friends, okay.

You got Central Perk right here in a garage.

- Lexy. He said it. - No, he did not. Stop.

He told me he loves me. Like, full eye contact,

dramatic pause. It was so real.

It felt fake.

He anchored it, Sophie.

He wanted you to feel it.

That is full-on emotional primacy. I knew it.

I knew Jalen was too mono-coded for our polycule.

Polycule?

Uh... Excuse me?

Oh, uh, I'm just... I work here. Just... y'know,

doing barista things. Don't mind me.

Yo David, how awesome is this, dude?

We got the frickin' cultural hub of

Glantontown right here in my garage.

Yeah! Hey, who knew we could make such a good team?

Yo that's right, dude.

Suck it, Blue Star.

Hey Mark, uh... We're down to the last sack of beans.

Wait, already?

Damn, we're really moving some product.

I'm gonna go make a beans run.

What do you mean the guy at the farmers' market is out of beans!

Yeah, he lost contact with his family farm in Colombia.

So why was he there,

was he just sitting in an empty stall?

Uh nah, he was just-- he's selling V-Bucks now, pivoted.

God! noooo.

We're ruined. It's over!

Big Coffee wins again.

Alright, yo. why are you freaking out?

Because we lost our beans, man!

They were our lifeblood.

We'll never find another bean that good again.

Yeah, we don't need to.

He gave me the address of his family's farm.

We just pop over to Colombia, find the place, and boom:

cut out the middle man. - Are you insane?

We can't just "pop over" to Colombia.

Okay, so what's your solution? You just want to close-up shop,

give up, and hand Dallas a giant frickin' W?

Mark, I don't spontaneously go on trips.

I plan them years in advance, meticulously pouring over

restaurant reviews, finding authentic but

safe cultural things to do.

Alright then. Plan B.

Ugh. Alright. Fine. Let's do it.

Hell yeah! We're going to Colombia!.

Damn, David. You're like a walking REI store.

I'm gonna take that as a compliment.

Because I like to be prepared for things and comfortable.

Oh yo, check it out dude. We gotta rent mopeds.

No. We are not driving in South America.

It's way too dangerous.

Uh-- that's half the fun being in a

third world country.

Ah-- M-Mark! Shh, that's disrespectful.

It's a developing country with an emerging economy.

We're taking a taxi. Taxi! - Ughhh. Boring.

Gracias. You from America?

See Mark? This guy is a local.

He knows how to safely get us to... Uh...

wait, did you give him a destination?

Uh... Was I supposed to, I--

- Uh... - Oh, God!

Give me all your money!

Whoa whoa dude dude! -Oh gosh!

That's why whenever I travel, I always carry a decoy wallet!

Wait, you had a decoy wallet with 300 dollars in it?

Well, it's gotta be convincing.

Alright, well now we're doing it my way.

Ugh.

So I guess Jalen told that girl Sophie he loves her,

which is a total no -no in their polycule.

Poly-cool?

Well, they're all sort of like dating each other

but at different levels... or something.

God, I love having a coffee shop.

This new generation is fascinating.

It's like they have a million rules, but also no rules at all.

You know what I mean? - Uh, no.

Hey, how are you guys doin'? - Oh, no.

Like your haircut. Got a real uh, John Kruk vibe going on.

Oh hey, Mernft.

Yo, Boss. What's going on here?

You lead in a communist revolution or something?

Would you keep it down, Mernft. This is a judgment free zone.

Just saying. Real melting pot you got over here.

Uh, got all the colors of the rainbow.

- I'm into it. You gonna order a drink or what?

Yo, let me get uh, large coffee half cream, on the house.

You want that coffee to-go. - Nah, I'm good,

I'm actually gonna -- gonna mingle.

How's it going, ladies?

Ugh. He's gonna mess it all up.

Mark, what the hell? Stop swerving.

Ten and two, or whatever the moped equivalent is.

That's the whole point of a moped to cut through traffic.

There's no traffic! We've seen like four cars in the last hour.

David, look. Wild bananas!

It's very beautiful please pay attention to the road.

David! You see that! Oh man, it's a frickin' monkey eating a

banana in a banana tree, yo. It does not get

more classic than that. It does not.

Not get more classic... - Mark, look out.

Oh, crap! - Aaaaghh!

[crash!]

Classic.

So lemme ask you something, uh,

you guys meet on the Grindr app?

Oh, no. We met through a mutual friend.

You guys like uh, you go a top and a bottom or is that

or is that just for the men? - Oh my God...

Um... it's complicated.

We gotta get him outta here.

Wait, but I thought you said it was a judgement-free zone.

Well, it's a some judgement zone.

He's being inappropriate and creepin' people out.

Yeah, I just uh, wouldn't want to hurt his feelings, though.

Hmm.

Oh, man. That bus was crowded, dude.

Must be a popular hiking spot.

Yeah, I don't think they're hiking for fun, Mark.

I think these are migrants looking for a better life.

Alright, so where is this place?

We're just going... straight that way.

I thought you said we're going to Capurganá?

Yeah. And then we just go a little bit into the jungle.

I'm sorry, what?! Mark, that isn't just any jungle,

it's the Darién Gap. It's one of the

most dangerous places in the world!

Yo, would you relax David, okay!

That little kid from the bus is doing it with his whole family.

I'm pretty sure we'll be fine.

You're sure you know where you're going?

Yes David, okay. The guy gave me very specific instructions.

We just head south on the main trail,

cross the first river,

then follow the path on the left,

and then past the large boulder,

and then follow the trail that descends into the valley

until we see a small wooden sign

that says "Finca El Grano Dorado."

Boom. - Ugh.

I can't believe you talked me into this.

It all sounded so easy when you said it.

I got swept up. - David if these beans were

easy to access then they wouldn't be special.

Ugh fine, but you better snap some really rugged

candids of me.

Yo... What's this?

Uh... congrats on being the first member of

our friends and family program. As a reward

you will receive free coffee deliveries.

Alright. Thanks, bud.

Uh... where you're going?

Oh, I thought I'd uh go drink it at your place.

Oh uh... okay.

I mean, I shouldn't be surprised.

He's always had main character energy.

Right?!

And now he's literally soft -launching a new hierarchy,

but that's not even the worst part.

Get this-

I checked his location last night.

Oooh, baby.

Wasn't he at Willow with Max?

- No. - Stop.

Hey, let me ask you something...

Oh, come on...

So what's with all these pronouns these days?

Is that like a uh, gender-fluid thing?

Uh... I dunno.

It's really just about making sure

everyone feels seen and respected?

What the hell, Hank?

I mean, I said the stuff.

So like, let's say you got Siamese Twin.

Okay is that a he, or is that a they?

We're gonna need to take drastic measures.

How the hell did you get that through airport security?

I didn't. I bought it from a guy on the bus.

You bought it? I thought you lost all your money.

Yeah, I mean, I traded for it.

Oh! What did you trade?

I dunno. One of your medicines, uhh... Levi-thy-roxine...

What?! That's my thyroid medicine. I need that!

Dude, c'mon, you had five of them!

Okay, c'mon, look at this knife, dude.

I'm like frickin' Rambo with this thing.

Oh my God. This is ridiculous.

We should turn back.

Nope. We can't do it. Not enough daylight.

Gonna have to camp here and regroup in the morning.

Ugh. Fine. Did you bring a sleeping bag?

Night, Daved.

Night.

Yo, this is fun.

No, it's not.

Ah... ah...

Gah! Ah! What the...

Ahh frogged ya, dude! You got frogged!

Are you insane? These are poison dart frogs.

Ah, ah. You know well, that explains why

I'm seeing double when I can't feel my hands,

and why my tongue is swelling up now.

Oh my God. Aw! My face. It's burning!

I'm gonna kill you, you stupid idiot!

Wait! What was that?

Oh my God. it's Border Patrol. Help!

Oh, thank God.

Well, there goes my second decoy wallet.

Wait, that one had $500!

Yeah, it's called being prepared,

something you know nothing about.

Oh spare me David, okay. This is your fault.

- You really boned us here. - My fault?

Yeah, David. You're the one who asked for help from

a frickin' group of guerrilla cartel bandits

or whatever the hell these guys are?

You're the one who took us into the world's

most dangerous jungle with a cartoon treasure map.

Uh, excuse me, I was fine with wowo's.

I didn't need the fancy beans.

Yeah, 'cause you people have no taste.

Uh, what do you mean by you people?

South Jersey people. You're a bunch of uncultured troglodytes.

H- how are you so close to New York?

Wow. Wow. You know what you're right.

I guess I am pretty dumb. Because I thought that

I could be friends with a stinkin' Giants fan.

I'm not a Giants fan! I'm not even a football fan!

'Cause football is dumb.

You. Come with me. Alright, welp

guess I'm getting sex trafficked.

Yeah, that's definitely why they kidnapped us. You moron.

I'll pull the trigger and drop this guy right now.

No no no, dont-- you don't wanna do that!

- Oh, God... - You don't wanna do that.

- Mark...

Just go with Smith because he's gonna get more receptions

so you can just put him at flex. -Wait...

I mean, it's a PPR League, right? You said it's PPR.

- Hm. Sí. Then you wanna go Smith.

Uh... what is happening here?

Oh, I'm just helping him with there fantasy football draft.

Gotta hand to Goodell, man,

I was not sure about doin' the NFL down in South America,

but the game clearly's gone global. I mean,

all these guys are watching. This guy's a Jets fan over here.

Can't even say like a word of English, but

uh, he kept pointing to the airplane.

Gracias.

Is this...?

Golden Beans, baby.

Ohhh, how I missed you.

Wait... is this like a last meal type thing?

Nah nah nah, we're cool.

They're actually gonna take us to the coffee farm.

Oh. Wow.

Uh... what?

Alright. That should keep him out.

Uh, I don't know, I kinda feel bad about this, Tam.

Look, I don't want to do this either,

but Hank, we gotta make sure this

is a safe space for our customers.

So I talked to Max. -And?

- He basically confirmed it. - Shut up.

- Shh, shh, he's here. Hey, Jay!

Oooh, baby. That's him. That's Jalen, Hank.

Uh, who?

Hey, Lex. Hey, Soph.

Uh, we need to talk?

Yes. Yes.

Oh boy, Tam. Here he comes.

So, I- I know we're tryna be radically honest with

each other, but I kind of haven't been...

Oh, this is a bomb. This is a bomb!

Yo Tam. Uh, the door's a little tight.

Oh my God! Oh, no!

Sorry!

That was so intense.

- Hey, you alright, man? - Yeah, yeah, I'm good.

Listen Mernft, you can't be here.

What'd you mean?

I just don't think this is your crowd.

You're making people feel uncomfortable.

Oh...

Alright. Yeah...

Message received.

I gotcha.

Oh.

That is so messed up.

Yeah, this place is high-key ableist.

Their coffee's not even good anymore.

Do you guys wanna go to like, Books 'n' Beans?

- Yass! - Yeah, let's get outta here.

Wait! No! Jalen, c'mon. What was your secret?

I need to know. Nooo! Come back!

Agh. Listen, Mark. I'm sorry I said all that

stuff about South Jersey.

Honestly, it's not like I had any real friends in Brooklyn.

Oh wow, so you're saying we're real friends?

Yeah. I guess I am.

What I tell ya? Nothing bonds bros

more to a little jungle adventure action.

[branch snaps]

Uh...

Aaaaah! - What the hell?

Shoot! -Ugh!

Damn, dude. I think we got a Predator situation.

Run! Run!

Huh, David, can you believe that?

- The guy's name is Corey. - No, Mark! It means run!

♪ [dramatic]

Oh God. This bridge looks uh... not to code.

C'mon, David. That's just your anxiety talking, dude.

It's totally fine. Ready? Look.

See, this is like a classic construction with the

ropes and the little pieces of wood.

This is actually the sturdiest bridge,

but they don't build 'em like this anymore

because they're tryna save money.

Stop doing that!

God, I know what's gonna happen.

I'm gonna take one step and then the entire bridge

is just gonna collapse. - Alright well,

have fun getting blasted by that Predator alien thing.

[creaking]

[monkey screams] Aaaaaaagh!

Hey yo, Jinglebells! You okay down there?

Uh, I think so.

Agh. There-- oop-- watch it-- yeah-- ohp-- ow.

Hey David, check it out. Yeah, I guess we uh,

guess we got turned around at some point.

Mark!

♪ [dramatic]

He couldn't see me.

Where are you headed...

♪ [action]

Holy crap.

Sorry, buddy.

Frogged ya!

What the hell?

Aaahhhhhh!

What?

I'm sorry again about this mix-up.

We're still cleaning this place up.

You know there's a lot of guerrillas, gangs, whatnot.

Hey, those guys were cool dudes. - Mark?

Yeah well, the locals aren't too thrilled about the acquisition,

so they can get a little frisky.

Whoa there, Jinglebells. Wasn't expecting to see you here.

Uh, what's going on?

Sup, bro. Bioluminescent Kombucha?

Oh, what happened to my exo-suit?

Exo-suit?

Yeah, dude. Predacore Exo Suit prototype.

It is the optimal tech-ware for those

who want to dominate the jungle.

Oh, okay. I don't care. Who are you?

Vijay!

Yeah, he's actually the SVP of Product at Blue Star.

Wait... What?

We operate all the coffee farms in this region now.

You tried these Golden Beans? Dude they're sick, bro!

Yeah, it looks like we gotta take

the L on this one, pal, but it's alright, dude.

We'll beat the Cowboys on the field, you know?

No. No!

Nooooo!

What the? Oh!

Dude, get off me! I thought we were vibing!

No, we aren't vibing! You know who I vibe with?

The local-- independent-- artisanal-- coffee shops--

that scumbags like you are screwing over!

Damn, David. The hell's gotten into you?

South Jersey, bitch.

So you better un-franchise my favorite coffee shop,

or I'm gonna turn your head into salted caramel cold foam.

Dude, bro, listen! I would if I could.

But I don't work in Franchise Dev!

Ugh. Fine. Then you're gonna take down all that Cowboy's crap

and put up a bunch of... Eagles crap.

Alright, alright, I'll talk to my guy in Brand Experience.

Ooh, damn Jinglebells. That was savage, dude.

You're over here beating dudes' asses.

I figured you'd be halfway back to the airport by now.

No way.

I'm not leaving the jungle without my best friend.

Uh, yeah. Well, we're not best friends... but yeah.

Ooh, this looks cute.

Oh man, look at all those Eagles drinks.

Nah. It's all about the Golden Beans, baby.

Yo, Daved, uh, you want a large, uh, Golden Brew?

No thanks, I'm good. I prefer local beans.

Huh?

Yo.

Hey, Mernft. Listen, I'm really sorry about everything.

Ah, it's all good, Tam. It's water under the bridge.

I want you to know that you're always welcome at our house.

That include a 24-hour use of the hot tub?

- Okay, don't push it. - My guy?! What's up!

Yo. Jay Money. You good?

Yeah, man. I just wanna say thank you.

Our talk yesterday meant a lot to me.

All good, bud. Whenever you need to talk,

you know where to find me.

For sure. Can I grab you a drink?

Ah, I appreciate it, yeah. Lemme get a Jordan Mai-latte,

no milk. - You got it.

Wait... are you guys like... friends?

Yeah, I mean, hey, let's just say I got that

safe space energy.

Oh my God okay, so... what was his big secret?

Yeah sorry, Tam, but uh, violating the relational

confidentiality goes against the trust structure

of the 'cule.

Ah!