Original subtitles

Ladies and gentlemen, please give it up for Mark Norman!

Hey, hey.

Comedy, huh?

We're really doing it, folks.

Thanks for coming out. Good to be here. Hey, how you doing? Nice to see you.

Hey, good shirt. How are you?

Cleavage. That's exciting.

Hey, don't get weird. You brought it.

All right.

Here we are. Sorry, I got to work on saying things to people out loud.

Yeah, I got a problem. I just say what I see.

I think I'm autistic, but just like the bad parts of it. Like I can't compute

numbers or remember dates, but I'll make you feel weird.

Right? Like you drop a bunch of toothpicks, I can't count them, but I'll

you a shitty hug.

I'm working on it, trying to get better.

Flew here from New York. Man, I hate flying. You know, they let you pick your

seat on a plane. I think I'd rather pick the person I'm sitting next to.

I don't really give a shit where I am on the plane. It's like a five -hour

relationship. Make it more like a dating app.

Obese Nazi with a service dog?

Swipe left.

Tiny Asian lady with a surgical mask?

That's my gal.

Yes, she is not a talker, right?

But just like a dating app, she shows up with a baby. I'm like, ah, I got

catfished.

Hate the small talk. Two things I can't do, small talk and eye contact.

How sad is that, you know? I basically have all the traits of a serial killer,

just without the ambition.

I'm working on it. People always say, Mark, you've got to be more confident.

They say, Mark, you've got to be yourself.

I'm like, well, you've got to pick one.

I can't do both of those.

Like, a lot of people are scared of skydiving. I'm more scared of the banter

the plane than I am jumping out of it, you know?

You sit in the plane, it's all windy, you're strapped in. Some guy's like, so,

Mark, where are you from? I'm just like...

It's like, we're supposed to go together.

I got it.

At least with skydiving, you get an instructor.

What about stuff I'm bad at, stuff I'm nervous about, like a dinner party? You

know how many dinner parties I've screwed up? Set me up with a pro.

I just show up, some guy's like, all right, I'll take care of you. I'm like,

beautiful. He's giving me tips.

Don't say the N -word. Got it.

She's not pregnant. Don't ask.

Thank God you're here.

Some guy at the party's like, so who's your favorite comic? I'm like, Bill

Cosby. He's like, pull the chute.

I'm working on it. I had a chatty Uber driver last week. That's the worst, huh?

This guy wouldn't shut up. I forgot that the no small talk option on the app, so

I'd get creative. I'd scare the guy into being quiet.

He's like, how about this traffic, huh? What do you think's causing this? I'm

like, probably the Jews.

He's like... I'm like, all right. I give this

ride five stars of David.

Yeah, I'm working on it, you know. Always trying to get better.

I'm a weirdo. That's why I drink. Big fan of the booze. I got to cut back. I

actually got let go from a job once for being drunk at work.

My boss called me and he goes, get in here, Mark. It's clear you're a high

-functioning alcoholic.

I was like, wow.

How do you know I was also high?

This guy is good.

One of my friends is like a beer expert.

You know, he's like, we got to go to a brewery. I'm like, why can't we just go

to a bar?

He's like, it's fine. You can see how it's made.

I don't care how it's made.

Look, I like porn. I don't need to go to a broken home.

Not saying all porns are in broken homes, just the ones I like.

Seems like a lot of people are quitting the booze now. It's kind of going away.

All my friends are getting sober. And look, that's good, but some people are

better when they're drinking.

There's a lot of bad sobers out there.

We always talk about the negative part about booze. What about the good?

Like, sure, you drove through a playground, but... You could dance, man.

Come on.

Trying to get better. I'm in therapy. Anybody else?

Hey, there you go. A couple people. Yeah, yeah. I'm doing this thing called

exposure therapy.

That's where you face your fears. Scared of heights? Takes a hot air balloon.

Scared of drowning? Takes you in the ocean. So he said, what are you scared

Mark? I said, well, I'm claustrophobic and scared of intimacy.

So he took me in a little closet and fucked me.

Very expensive.

Yeah.

Why the stigma with therapy? Why? All my friends make fun of me. I think it

should be mandatory.

Everybody works out their muscles. Why not work out your emotions?

I'll be hanging out with a friend. He's like, all right, man, take it easy. I'm

going to go work on arms and back.

I'm like, cool. I'm going to go work on letting go of the past and accepting

love.

Everybody loves the gym. Oh, the gym makes me feel sexy.

Well, you know what else is sexy? Not being a walking red flag.

Nobody cares about your abs if you're the guy having a meltdown at Chili's.

I think people respect the gym because there's a culture behind it. You know,

like gym rats.

They have t -shirts that say beef mode and better sore than sorry.

Therapy people, we need t -shirts. We need a shirt that says no dad, no

Right? Or like can't stop, won't stop crying.

I could have used some therapy as a kid, weird kid. Bed wetter, oh yeah. I wet

the bed every day until I was 13 years old. My mattress looked like a goddamn

coffee filter.

Woo -wee!

I ruined a lot of sleepovers, folks.

You start to run out of excuses after a while. Your friend's like, what happened

here? I was like, jeez, I must have spilled a cup of piss.

Yeah, they say a lot of bedwetters become serial killers, which I believe,

because we learn how to clean up a stain pretty quick.

That's how embarrassing it is wetting the bed. I'd almost rather be known as a

murderer than a bedwetter, you know? Your friend sits on your mattress. Why

it all crinkly?

I'm going to kill you.

But, hey, growing up now, 36 years old, I grew up before the Internet.

Maybe a better time for a kid. Maybe a question back then. Hey, Mom, what's the

capital of South Dakota?

She's like, I'm on the phone.

And you just didn't know.

What a concept, not knowing. Now we have so much information right there. Now I

have an Alexa. I love this thing. An Alexa is like a mom without the passive

aggressiveness.

Ask anything you want. Hey, Alexa, how many cups in a liter? 4 .23 cups. All

right. If I'm like, hey, Mom, how many cups in a liter? She's like, why don't

you check your mattress?

Zing!

That Alexa's tricky. I read an article recently. It said Alexa actually listens

to everything you say, stores it in a database, could use it against you

I was like, damn, just like a real woman.

Now I'm all nervous. Like, hey, Alexa, what's the weather out there? She's

why don't you ask Siri?

Oh, boy.

Here we go.

Yeah, it's got to be hard to be a kid now. I feel bad for kids. So much

coming to kids. iPhone, internet, social media.

Remember how happy -go -lucky we were as kids? Not a care in the world. Maybe

running the car.

Shotgun. That was like the biggest problem in my life.

Shotgun.

Yeah, I never see kids doing that anymore. The only time a kid yells it

is in a classroom.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

School shootings. What a bummer, huh?

Ah, the great American pastime. Yeah.

School shootings are like the menstruation of America. Happens about

month. It's bloody and every kid goes, well, I guess it's my turn now.

Oh, I know. They're bad.

I like how they're blaming the video games. Video games cause violence. Come

Video games don't cause violence. Video games cause carpal tunnel and vaginal

dryness.

I know a lot of guys, they play eight hours of video games a day. Their

girlfriends are like, violent.

Slap my ass. Choke me. I'm dying here.

Look, I don't think games translate to real life. I grew up playing Monopoly

with my friends.

None of them now own property.

To be fair, some did go directly to jail.

That's, uh, we got problems here, you know? Like, I just got back from Europe.

They really make fun of us over there. That's, like, all they do. Oh, you

Americans, you're so fat.

I'm like, yeah, yeah, we're doing great.

Why is that a bad thing, how fat we are? I think it's cool. It's impressive.

More people die in America of obesity than starvation, which is like, hey, we

did it.

How cool are we? We're dying from eating food.

We go up to heaven, some guy's like, I starved to death. What happened to you?

We're like, snack.

Yeah, the McRib is back. What do you want?

He's like, well, how'd you lose your foot?

Frostbite? Nah, frosting.

Yeah, we're fat.

They're so high up on the food chain. One of my friends, he only eats grass

beef. You realize how crazy that is? That means he gets to pick what he eats.

That's pretty good.

And here's the weird thing. Cows eat grass.

That's what we mess with our food. When something eats what it's supposed to, we

brag about it.

That's like saying, hey, you know, my four -year -old is sober.

Get the hell out of here!

What?

Father of the year over here.

Yeah, we're fat.

All my friends are fat, mostly. My family's fat. I grew up pretty fat.

I try not to make fun of fat people unless they make fun of me.

That's when I let it go.

All my fat friends give me shit.

One of my fat friends told me I have skinny privilege.

Privilege? Something can't be a privilege if you could do it too.

I've known you my whole life. You used to be thin.

Privileges can't be attained by exercising.

If that were the case, then black people would take a jazzercise class. They

wouldn't get pulled over.

It would be that simple.

He always condescends to me. Oh, you're so lucky you're thin.

Lucky? You've got to work at it.

It's hard.

What the hell? You've got to eat right? It sucks.

Saying you're so lucky you're thin is like saying you're so lucky you don't

kids. No, no, I had food, and I pulled out.

He's like, whatever, it's easy being skinny.

Well, not really. You couldn't do it.

Uh -huh.

Uh, yeah.

I read a news article about obesity. They said they're thinking about putting

microchips in obese people's brains. It shocks them every time they think about

food. I was like, if we have that kind of technology, I feel like we should be

using that on pedophiles.

Why are we wasting that on chubs?

I don't care about your candy intake. I'm worried about your candy output.

Priorities, people. Eat all the cupcakes you want. Just don't touch little

Debbie.

Ah, pedophilia, huh?

Any pedophiles here?

I mean, statistically, there's got to be two, right?

But hey, we're all adults here, which is a sentence they hate.

You guys ever get down on your knees and thank God you're not a pedophile?

They didn't choose that. They got dealt a bad hand. We're extremely lucky. We

should be grateful. Think about how close we all were. When I was in third

grade, I was attracted to third grade girls.

Now I like adult women.

When I was in third grade, I liked grape juice.

Now I like red wine.

But I still like grape juice.

Holy hell, that was close.

Thank God my brain just knew the right way to go.

Woo!

I just watched a documentary on pedophilia with my friend. My friend

I could never have sex with a kid. They're so annoying.

I was like, that's it, huh?

That's the thing that's holding you back?

You need a better reason than that, all right, buddy? It's like, hey, what

happened to Greg?

He went to prison. Why?

He met a really cool kid.

That checks out.

All right.

Yeah, but it's good to get out of New York. That city will eat you alive, you

know? Good to be here. I live in the West Village of Manhattan, you know, a

cool neighborhood. The Gay Pride Parade actually goes right by my house every

day.

And, yeah.

I like a gay area. Gay guys are the best.

Progressive, nonviolent.

You never meet any violent gay guys. There's no gay gangs. That would just be

musical.

Any gay guys here tonight?

Yeah. Hey, all right.

Thanks for coming out.

Big fan.

One of my best friends is gay. He's obsessed with straight guys. That's like

thing, you know? He's like, I love flipping a hetero.

He's like, you know how hard that is? You know how hard it is to go out every

night, see a bunch of people you want to have sex with who don't want to have

sex with you?

I was like, that's exactly what it's like being a straight guy.

What the hell are you talking about?

I would argue it's just harder for me to sleep with a woman than it is for you

to flip a hetero. He was like, nah, nah, nah, you have no idea. You got to take

them out for hours to convince them.

Yeah, yeah, same here.

He's like, no, no, no, even if you do pull it off, which is like a miracle,

feel horrible after.

Yeah, yeah, same thing.

We went back and forth for hours, arguing about this all night, back and

Eventually, I woke up at his place.

Oh, yeah.

I went to the gay pride parade last year. Still sore.

Had a good time. Met a lot of characters out there. Met a gay guy there who

hated straight people. I never heard of that. He was a heterophobe.

I didn't know that was a thing.

He was like, yeah, screw straight people. You guys are the worst.

I was like, whoa, come on, man. We've got to get along.

Also, without us, you wouldn't be here.

Don't bite the hand that breeds you.

And I have to ask who's gay, sir, because I have the worst gaydar on the

I can't tell who's gay. One of my friends has always bragged about his

He's like, he's gay, he's gay, he's gay. I'm like, well, that's not that

impressive. I mean, we're at a gay bar.

I don't know. You want to impress me with your gaydar? Start pointing out gay

babies.

Now that's impressive, right? Like, see that kid breastfeeding over there?

Between you and me, he's miserable.

That's a hell of a gaybie.

Yeah.

I like all the good lesbians. Any lesbians in the house?

Hey, all right.

Wow. Yes, I love your website.

I feel like lesbians are underrepresented. I travel the country

always see fun gay bars in every city. They always have fun names like the

manhole or the back door.

Where's all the fun lesbian bars?

Where's like the dugout or scissors?

Also, you always see a group of girls with one gay guy in it. You never see a

group of guys with one lesbian.

I'd love to have a lesbian in my crew. That'd be fun.

Because gay guys are very helpful. They help girls with the hair, their outfit.

A lot of lesbians help me out with stuff.

They're like, ah, crap, the car won't start. She's like, I got it.

Yeah, you flooded it, you pussy.

Thanks, Debbie.

Glad you brought your tools.

Satire. All right. But you guys are cool. You know, a lot of crowds getting

sensitive.

It's getting weird out there.

I got yelled at the show recently. This guy goes, hey, buddy, that's a trigger

word. I was like, whoa, I think it's pronounced trigger.

Easy there, big fella.

And look, you know, if you get upset or offended, that's cool. I'm not one of

those guys. You're allowed to be offended. That's totally cool. But if

just shut up.

You're not a hero. You're just ruining a show. Just be offended. Just let it

flow through you. Just feel it, right?

Yeah, don't share. We don't care. Just feel.

Yeah. We all have thoughts. I might want to sleep with your girlfriend. I just

hold it in. I don't say it. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, just feel it.

We're so obsessed with words now. It kind of shows how good we have it. We've

got to focus on words.

In the 70s, it was all about action.

If you want to show you're brave in the 70s, you had to jump over 12 buses on a

motorcycle. Now I see a guy make an off -color joke at the office. I'm like,

that guy's fucking fearless.

Holy shit.

Wow.

Yeah, I don't know. People take things so seriously. I guess they've got to

you their personality by yelling at you about stuff that bothers them. I don't

know.

I don't mean any of this stuff. I'm just saying words in a certain order to

elicit laughter.

People, like, try to figure me out through my act.

It's all jokes.

I told an abortion joke recently, and a woman approached me. She was like, hey,

that's very insensitive.

I've had an abortion.

You shouldn't tell jokes like that. I was like, whoa, hey, sorry. I just told

joke. I think what you did was much worse.

But, you know, either way, I'll see you at home later, honey.

And again, all jokes. I love abortions. I paid for two last week. I'm a fan,

right?

You remember?

Come on.

It's all jokes. A friend of mine, she works at Planned Parenthood. She loves

that joke. And I was like, I might have to get rid of it. People don't like it.

She's like, no, no, you got to keep it. I was like, I might get rid of it. She's

like, no, no, you got to keep it. I was like, I might get rid of it. She's like,

no, no, you got to keep it. I was like, I might get rid of it.

I was like, don't tell me to do it with my body of work. She's like, every

joke's a miracle.

But I don't want to upset anybody, you know?

Ah, jeez.

I don't want to upset. That's not my intention.

I'm upsetting people on accident now. I was at a Starbucks recently. This guy

handed me my coffee. I went, hey, thanks, chief. This guy goes, ooh.

Don't say chief.

It's offensive to Native Americans.

I was like, how is that offensive? He goes, whoa, don't say how.

Come on.

How did we get here?

Weird times, weird times.

Taking words away, you know, I get it. You know, words hurt people. I get it,

you know. But here's the thing. We're kind of like a weird word prohibition.

Can't say this, can't say that. That's why I feel like every now and then we

should all go to a politically incorrect speakeasy.

That's where we can all go to say horrible stuff and nobody cares.

You got no hate in your heart. You don't want to hurt anybody. But if you can't

say it there, give us a place you can.

Right? You go down some creaky stairs.

You bang on a big steel door. The guy's like, what's the password?

Retarded. Get in here!

All right.

It's like the 90s again.

Because offensive words, they're like alcohol.

Sure, you can abuse it. Sure, you can hurt people. If you do responsibly, it's

good time.

Just don't do it at work. Don't do it around kids. But go home, close the

take the edge off. Ah, midget.

Right? I don't want to say little people. That's like drinking no duels.

But of course, I get it. I just, you know, find it funny.

I get it.

But here's the problem. We forget that no one's politically correct up here.

We're all animals.

We're all trying to, we're all seeing the same thing. We're all thinking the

same thing. No one's PC in their brain. This is a filthy problem. When you talk,

you seem nice.

Like, no one sees a hot girl bend over and thinks, look at that independent

woman. I'd like to treat her equally.

No,

we're sick, men and women. We're gross.

But look where it's all gotten us. Doesn't it feel like the whole country's

up? Feels like everybody's angry right now. We've got white supremacists,

protests, hate groups.

It's weird you're allowed to be hateful in America as long as you're not

specific.

Isn't that weird? If you're like, I hate Mexican people, everybody's like, oh,

my God, what a bigot, prejudice. But if you're like, I hate people, everybody's

like, huh, fucking right.

Isn't that worse?

People are angry now, man. I had one of those White Lives Matter rallies go by

my house the other day. I freaked out. Then I realized, oh, it's just a half

marathon.

That was close.

I don't know. Just be a good person. What about that? Just be nice to people,

you know?

Yeah.

Like, a lot of it doesn't add up. I can't keep track of all the rules.

Like, transgender, what do you think?

That's how I feel. I don't give a shit.

You want to go for a man, a woman, go nuts.

Well, go labia.

What's the beef? Look, it's weird to hate someone because they're trans,

But it's also weird to love someone because they're trans.

Shouldn't you like them based on who they are as a person, content of the

character? People are so phony. I love Caitlyn Jenner. Why?

She sucks.

She's against gay marriage or ran over a person. What's the good part?

Then they go, well, they have hard lives.

All right, well, so do bidgets.

Why don't you talk about how much you like them? Where's that hashtag? I don't

see any tweets about midgets.

Who's got a heart of a midget? Hard to get around? Hard to drive? Hard to get

work? No love. And look, I'm not anti -trans, but I am pro -midge.

I just don't get why we help one group and not another. It's just kind of

trendy. And people say, well, trans aren't allowed everywhere. Well, you

been to a roller coaster?

At least trans be accommodated with the bathrooms. Midgets, you ever seen how

tall a toilet is?

Imagine having to jump to take a dump.

Weird. No help, no support.

And you know what's great about midgets? I got a couple midget friends.

They're good eggs.

You never see a midget complaining.

Never. Every other group complains. Never a midget. Never see it on the

Sitting at a desk, legs dangling, little fish egg.

Never.

Every other group complains. I see women on the news. We have a glass ceiling.

Midgets are like, you're worried about the ceiling?

Holy shit.

I'm trying to fuck with this counter, baby.

Interesting. See, I guess I'm too open -minded, because I support all

transition, not just sexual. Why do we stop at sexual? I support transition of

personality, transition of opinion.

Like Kevin Hart. Kevin Hart got in trouble with some offensive tweets from

ago. Well, I'm not the same guy I was from years ago. I've transitioned.

I used to have sex with 16 -year -olds when I was 16.

Now I don't. I'm different.

Well, years ago, he said some offensive stuff.

Well, years ago, she won the men's relay. People change.

Why do you support that and not that?

It just tells me if I ever get in trouble now, I'm just going to get a sex

change because you've got to kiss my ass.

Hey, Mark, we heard that interview from 10 years ago.

That was Mark.

I'm Margaret.

I don't know. I support Kevin Hart also because he's a midget.

Oh, there we go.

But I don't know. Everything's weird now. You know, the news is insane.

The Internet's full of hate.

I feel like it's the little things that keep you happy now. You've got to

cherish the little things.

I got a Snapple today.

I love a good Snapple. I love that fun fact under the cap.

It was a good one today. It said polar bears used to be brown, but through

evolution they turned white because police were shooting them.

I know.

I couldn't believe they fit all that under the cap.

Yeah.

A lot of racial talk now. White privilege. That's a term you hear a lot

White privilege. But I thought it was all about diversity.

Shouldn't we talk about everybody's privileges? Why are we just limiting it

whitey? Let's spread the love. Let's make every group feel good. Everybody's

something. Tall people.

Privilege. See you at a concert.

Jews. No hell.

Pretty good. Pretty good.

Women. Ladies night. That's cool. Black people. I can't wear a purple suit.

Looks like fun. Everybody's got a perk. Indian people, even if you're

undateable, your parents will arrange something, huh?

Let's spread the love.

Who's got the energy to be racist, huh? That's got to suck to be racist.

Wouldn't that be weird? Just like, you go to the bank, you're like, ah, there's

Jews here. I got to leave.

What a horrible life.

Man, put on an outfit, go to a meeting, all that stuff.

I don't care about any group enough to hate it. Do whatever you want. Go nuts.

don't want to do anything. I'm lazy.

I don't want to burn a cross or a calorie.

Everybody's worked up about something.

There's Muslims on airplanes.

I'd rather a Muslim on a plane than a baby.

I've never had a Muslim kick the back of my seat and piss in the aisle.

I'm just saying if the airport had a baby ban, I wouldn't protest.

Yeah, but transgender, they're using the bathrooms.

Well, they're still using the toilet, right? They're not leaving a hot floater

in the sink.

If that was like their thing, then yeah, we should totally have a meeting.

That's crazy, you know?

Then you get the hillbilly guy. What if one of these perverts puts on a dress

and looks at my wife in the bathroom?

Ooh, what a score.

Some guy can see your toothless wife shitting?

What a lucky guy.

Come on, go to work, you lunatic.

But hey, we've come a long way. We hate to admit that.

We hate to admit it. We've come a long way. Like in the 50s, we had whites only

and blacks only water fountain, which is incredibly sad, especially if you're a

thirsty Asian.

What the hell are they doing? Drinking out of a faucet? No one talks about it.

Never come up once. Not a peep.

Nothing. Black people are pissed. Can you believe this shit? We got our own

water fountain. Asia's like, can I get a sip? I'm dying out here.

I got a triangular hat to block the sun.

I'm a big fan of Asians. I think they're the best group. I think they're number

one. I don't think they get the credit they deserve.

I'm an Asian supremacist all the way. I think they're better than the rest. Any

Asian people here?

Hey, all right.

You should be working.

Come on.

What are you doing having a good time?

That's not the Asian I know, goddammit. I want you dealing blackjack or sitting

on a box peeling something.

Come on.

Big fan.

Best group. Easily the best group. No love. You guys get the short on the

chopstick. It's pretty unfair.

So quiet. So secure, Asians. Every other group's got a brag and boast.

Every group's got a slogan.

Black people, I'm black and I'm proud.

White people, white power.

Hispanics, aye, aye, aye, aye.

asian and just head down grades up that's it and you're the bet you never

about asian crime never if i was an asian guy i would just start mugging

like hey it's my word against yours big fan big fan oh yeah

i think the news is a problem the news pins us all against each other news

it seem like all white people are scared of minorities i don't think all white

people are scared of minorities i do think a lot of white people are scared

looking racist That's really the big fear with Whitey.

Like, if I'm walking down the street at 4 in the morning, I see a sketchy

-looking white guy coming towards me, I'm like, crap.

I'm going to cross the street.

If I'm walking down the street at 4 in the morning, I see a sketchy -looking

black guy coming towards me, I'm like, crap.

I wish I could cross the street.

I'd rather get stabbed and look like an asshole.

White people, we are so worried about looking ignorant and bigoted. I guess

because of our history. Like, I went skiing recently with my friend. We're

sitting on the ski lift. I was like, why don't you see more black people skiing?

Why is that? My friend has no idea, but he's going to, you know, half -ass his

way through it because he doesn't want to seem dumb.

So he's like, ah, you know, they don't grow up with it.

Like, well, I'm from Louisiana. I'm here. Well, ski is very expensive.

Ah, right, right, right, yeah.

Yeah, you know, I've never seen a black guy with anything expensive on their

feet.

Just so you don't know. It's all right. You sound way worse.

That's why black people are smarter. White people, we do crazy stuff. We swim

with sharks. We go bungee jumping, cliff diving.

Ask a black guy, why do they do that? They go, I don't know. That's white

shit.

That's a good answer.

They don't sit around going, well, you know, Europe.

Yeah,

I don't know.

But look, yeah, I'm a white guy. If I talk about race now.

For some reason, another white person ebbly calls me racist. That's like what

do. It's like, I know you're trying to seem like a hero, but you're going to

ruin that word.

You're going to take the teeth out of it. It's like an important word.

You're going to ruin it.

Like, I was on the subway recently. I was watching an interracial couple make

out. I was just staring at them.

And the guy next to them caught me. He goes, what the hell? I see you staring

them. What are you, a racist?

I was like, what?

Racist? No, I'm a creep.

What are you talking about? I'm hard.

I'm not a racist. I'm aroused.

It's an important word. People abuse it all the time. A friend of mine, she's

Puerto Rican. We grew up together. She's like, I hate going to the gym. The

white women there all give me the stink eye because they're racist.

I was like, damn, what happened?

She's like, well, first bring my food in and I eat it.

Then I play my music really loud. I'm like, oh, maybe they just hate you.

Let's not lump together all of Puerto Rico because you're being a twat.

You're being inconsiderate and rude. Take a little ownership. Look with it.

can't blame everything on bigotry. Look, I grew up in a black neighborhood. I

was a bedwetter. I'd sleep at their houses. Eventually, they stopped

over. I wasn't like, ah, they hate white people. No, I ruined their fucking

furniture.

They didn't hate white. They hated yellow.

Sorry.

Uh -huh.

Yeah.

I like all the groups. I just make jokes, you know? Remember jokes?

Yeah.

I met a nice girl in that Jewish app. What's that Jewish app called? The

one?

What's the Jewish app?

The other one, the other one.

PayPal.

Yeah.

Going pretty well, yeah.

A lot of ladies here tonight. That's exciting.

I feel like this is like your time, ladies. This is like the year of the

you know?

I went to the Women's March in Manhattan.

That was cool. Although I got to say, I haven't heard the word pussy yelled that

much since that time I rollerbladed to high school.

That was a tough morning.

Yeah.

It's kind of crazy what women go through, isn't it? Like, some guys just,

whip it out and stuff in front of women. That's wild. That's bold.

See, I have a penis, so I'm not that scared of new ones. But I guess if you

don't have a penis, a new one's got to be pretty scary.

The closest I can get to that feeling is once I was hanging out with a friend,

and he just took out a gun.

I was like, what the hell are you doing? He's like, well, you know I had a gun.

I'm like, yeah, but we're at Whole Foods.

Because a dick and a gun are very similar. If somebody pulled out either

right now, we'd all be like, whoa, is that meant for me? Jesus Christ.

Don't point it at me. Damn.

Dick and a gun, very similar. Both pointy. They shoot things. They come in

different sizes.

You can get a pistol or a shotgun.

I'm circumcised, so I'm sawed off.

But I guess guys who do that just get confused.

Because ladies, sometimes you like a penis. So guys think, hey, she liked one

last night. Why wouldn't she like one with a copy machine?

Women are so complex.

Because I think generally speaking, when it comes to sex, I think men are a

little more constant. Men like boobs, but we like boobs across the board.

Boob in the bedroom, great.

Boob on the bus, also great.

Dick in the bedroom, great. Dick on the bus, call the police.

Nobody's calling the police on a boob.

You see a boob out in the wild, it's like seeing a deer.

It's majestic.

Look, there's two now.

Then your other friend walks up. Hey, look at that, a boob. You're like, ah,

spooked it.

Come on.

Yeah.

We're cracking down on sexual harassment finally. That's good.

You know who gets sexually harassed more than women? The one group?

Pets?

Yeah.

Nobody ever gets consent from a dog.

Nobody. People just pick it up, kiss it on the face, rub its belly to that

weird, creepy, long pet where you grab the tail at the end.

We're creepy as hell with dogs.

And we sound like creeps. They like it. They're begging me for it. Yeah.

Thank God dogs can't talk. We'd all go to jail, right?

Just some chihuahua in a courtroom like, Percy, flip me over.

Then he caressed all eight of my nipples.

Then he slapped me on the ass repeatedly and said, you're a good girl, good

girl. Oh, God.

We harass dogs all day long, and they're perfect harassers. They can't talk, so

they'll never report you. That's why they're man's best friend.

Also, dogs forget stuff after like two seconds. You can stick your finger up a

dog's ass and be like, well, that was weird.

Frisbee!

Because really, when you break down our relationship with dogs, dogs are

shameless, shameless whores, aren't they?

I mean, they're like gold diggers. Look at the deal we've cut with a dog. Like,

all right, pooch, I will house you and feed you, but I get to touch you

I want. Dog's like, what are you kidding? That's fucking amazing.

I'll do you one better. When you come home, I'll hump your leg. I'll lick my

balls in front of you. And when you have sex, I'll watch.

That's fair.

And cats, cats are the exact opposite. Cats are like sexual assault victims.

They're all nervous, skittish, head on a swivel. Huh? You touch me, I'll fucking

cut you. I'll cut you, motherfucker.

Yeah, yeah, you're not grabbing this pussy, all right? Yeah.

Now leave me alone. I got to go out the window for an hour.

But hey, you got to listen to ladies, fellas. You got to listen, you know? A

friend of mine, she's like a big feminist. She's like, ah, I have a full

because that's how I was born. I was like, holy hell, you were born with a

bush?

That is a terrifying baby.

Cut the umbilical cord.

I can't find it.

I like a strong woman. I want a woman to catcall me.

Catcall us. Ladies, that'd be hilarious.

Start yelling out stuff at men that we don't want to hear. Stuff that would

scare a guy.

You know, you walk past a group of girls at night. One of them's like, hey, I'll

tell you I love you on the first date. You're like, Jesus Christ.

Oh, hell.

That is terrifying.

Yeah, get us back.

And then you walk past a girl. She's like, hey, before we have sex, I'm going

poke a hole in the condom. This is a horrible neighborhood.

My God.

Start the car.

Oh, you ladies are fascinating.

So complex.

Yeah.

One time me and my girl were watching the news. There was a whole thing about

CEO harassing his employees.

She's like, can you believe this creep grabbing women's asses, whispering dirty

stuff in their ear at work? I was like, yeah, it's crazy.

Then we got home later in the bedroom. She's like, can you do that stuff from

the news to me?

I was like, I thought you hated that. She's like, I hate that he does it. If

do it, it's hot.

So you hate harassment unless you like the guy, then it turns you on.

That's fascinating.

I don't think other groups like black guys get harassed by the cops, but at

night they're not like, come on, pull me over.

Yeah, tase me, bitch. Yeah.

Interesting.

Yeah, my gal, she likes being insulted in the bedroom, which is cool, but

tells you that not all insults are sexy.

I learned that the hard way.

Yeah, we'd be having sex. I'm like, yeah, you whore. She's like, yeah.

I'm like, yeah, you slut. She's like, yeah.

I'm like, you're a bad driver. She's like, what?

I'm like, that's the one that bothered you?

Weird.

She's like, you really think I'm a bad driver? I'm like, sorry, you dirty

She's like, thank you.

Yeah.

Yeah, sometimes I'll try to hook up, and she's like, ah, I can't have sex, and I

don't feel sexy.

I can't have sex if I don't feel sexy.

Wow, if that was the case for me, I'd still be a virgin.

I've never felt sexy in my entire life. The whole concept of sexy is very

arbitrary. You know, your girl comes in, I'm wearing my sexy leopard print

underwear.

Well, when did we decide leopard was the sexiest animal print?

I don't know, nothing says sexy underwear to me like yellow and brown

In that case, I'm wearing my sexy underwear. It's a rare jungle cat called

skid mark.

Aha, yeah.

How about the true crime? You gals love a good true crime.

Oh, that's the forensic file killer women dateline.

Hours of this stuff.

My gal caught me watching two seconds of gay porn. She flipped out.

She was like, what the hell's going on here? I was like, well.

You watch murder.

Isn't that way weirder? She's like, well, you're watching this. Do you want

do that? I was like, well, do you want to kill me?

She was like, oh, shut up. I'm just watching my show, so I know what to do

ever get in that situation.

I'm like, maybe that's why I'm watching gay porn.

I want to know how this goes down, so I get the hell out of there, right?

She's like, that's ridiculous. This is a reenactment. Well, this is too. This

guy's not really a real estate broker.

Too much porn. I think porn has really changed the game, you know? Out of the

gate now, sex is much kinkier, I think, as a porn.

Out of the gate now, it's like choking, spitting, finger up the butt.

Which is weird, because these are all things my older brother did to torment

It's all the same shit. We've just taken bullying out of the playground and

brought it in the bedroom.

I got my girl on top now. I'm like, Indian sunburn.

Seriously, you go to a schoolyard during recess, some kid's holding a girl down,

pulling her hair, calling her names. I'm like, man, he's good.

I'm taking notes. You get back to your girl, she's like, wow, where'd you learn

that? I'm like, couple of third graders, actually.

But don't worry, I like red wine.

It's weird out there. Who knows?

You got to get married, right? That's what you do?

Scary,

huh?

Marriage feels so antiquated.

Feels like we've come so far with everything. We're still doing that

What are we doing?

Especially the ladies.

Every girl of every day is like, when are you going to propose?

Clock's ticking.

Pop the question.

Why do you want to get married so bad?

What is it?

Ladies, you've come so far. When it comes to marriage, you guys get kind of

-fashioned. I want the ring and the cake and the dress.

What? Grow up.

Ladies, you're killing it. Go frolic. Be free. But it's my special day.

All right, why do I have to ruin mine?

I don't know. I feel like a lot of guys look at marriage the way women look at

anal. You know, we're both just like, well, we all knew this day was coming.

Let's get it over with. I'm not sure it's even natural.

Either way, when it's all done, we'll get new sheets.

But that's why you ladies are brilliant. You gals are geniuses. Because you guys

tend to be the ones who want to get married. Somebody designed it to where

man asks you.

That's some Jedi -level trickery right there.

You're like Yoda.

I want to get married, but you'll ask me. Yes, you got it. And you'll get down

on one knee. No problem.

And you'll buy me an expensive ring. Will do. And whose idea was this? All

Well played, ladies. Well played.

See, like, guys, we got to cool with the sexual aggression. We come on too

strong, we're creepy, we're scary. Ladies, you guys got to cool with the

commitment aggression.

That's where you guys push. That's where you guys get creepy. When are you going

to exchange keys? When are you going to move in? When are you going to get

married? It's like, whoa, hey, no means no.

Slow down. I feel pressured. I'm not ready.

And your family jumps in. Hey, when are you going to make an honest woman out of

my daughter? What? Who's this guy?

Imagine my dad did that. Hey, when are you going to bang my son? Huh?

Back off.

I don't know, am I nuts? Marriage just feels like the least romantic thing on

the planet. It's legal.

You've got to go to a courthouse, get a license. What's the license for?

That's the only license we don't check, by the way.

Driver's license, liquor license. People check a fishing license.

I'm going to start checking a marriage license.

Next time I see a short, broke, weird guy, I'll be like, that's my hot wife

there. I'll be like, let me see some ID.

I don't buy it.

I just got my license renewed.

You know what's weird? When you buy alcohol, you show your driver's license.

Isn't that weird?

The thing I'm not supposed to do with this stuff, you want me to prove I can

By that logic, when you buy a gun, you should show your marriage license.

All right?

Lady walks in, I'll take that revolver. Guy's like, let me see some

identification. Why, you've been married 60 years? You know what? Just take it.

I don't know. Then you've got to have kids.

Kids are scary.

I like babies.

Babies are fun.

You know why babies are great? Because they're not evil yet.

There's a million douchebags out there, but you never assume that baby will

become one.

Isn't that nice?

That's why no one ever goes up to a pregnant woman, rubs her belly, and

ooh, this one's going to suck.

No, it's all up. It's all potential. It's all positive. Oh, it's kicking.

Might be a pro soccer player.

It's never like, oh, it's kicking. Might hit his wife.

Statistically, way more likely than a pro soccer player.

Plus, it's already hitting a woman. Not even out yet.

Uh -huh.

Yeah. I don't know. I've got to figure something out.

Being in a relationship is always tough, you know.

I've always had people say weird stuff to me, like, Mark, you're a comedian.

must be a great boyfriend.

Why do you say that? Well, women love funny guys.

All right, well, you're taking the one singular positive aspect.

If you do it with any guy, they could seem like a great boyfriend.

Serial killer.

Take out the killing. This guy's organized and cleans up after himself.

Terrorist. Take out the terrorized. This guy's passionate and loves to travel.

Child molester. Take out the molesting. This guy's got a van and can't wait to

start a family.

I just got a bad brain.

I'm too literal. Literal is bad with dating and stuff. I had a blind date

right when the girl saw me. She goes, hey, I bet we'd have really cute kids.

I was like, all right, I bet we'd have great sex.

And she goes, whoa, slow down.

It's like, slow down. You're nine months ahead of me.

Ah, this girl hated me.

She was like, you know, I feel very brave tonight.

I was like, why is that? Because I'm not wearing any makeup.

I was like, how's that brave? Because I'm being my true self, being the real

I was like, oh, okay. She's like, you should be brave. I'm like, yeah, maybe I

will. She's like, what are you going to do?

I was like, I'm going to stop pretending this is interesting.

She was like, wow, I can't believe you just said that. I was like, yeah, took

that.

I don't know, working on it, trying to get better.

I don't know. I realize I'm a weirdo.

I remember I had a one -night stand one.

Went great, fun night, hanging out.

But during the sex, she did a new one I'd never seen before. She acted like a

four -year -old.

You ever come across this?

We'd be having sex out of nowhere. She'd be like, you know, if you want to, you

can pull my hair.

I was like, eh.

Then we'd keep going, you know, if you want to, you can slap my ass.

I was like, you got it.

Then I'd keep going, you know, if you want to, you can choke me.

I was like, I do.

We finished. We had a great night. We're laying there. And I was like, you know,

if you want to, you can leave.

She didn't care for that one. I thought the timing was perfect, you know.

A lot of girls get mad about the whole leaving thing. But it's nothing personal

against you. It's just a weirdo. I'm in my head. I'm a nut. I'm an introvert. I

got to get out of there. A lot of girls get mad. Like, what, do you just bang me

and leave?

Well, yeah, this was a long night.

I've been trying to win you over like nine hours. I'm exhausted.

There were five guys at the bar hitting on you. I'd out -charm them, be more

interesting, be conversational, be funny, be on all night. She was like,

You could have just been yourself.

I'm like, what are you, fucking stupid?

Be myself?

What?

I'm an idiot. If I was myself, I'd be like, hey, you fat whore, let's fuck.

That's not going to work.

She was like, well, I don't get it. Why do you want to leave? Like, I don't

know. I just want to go talk to somebody. Well, why not talk to me? I

to go talk to a friend. She's like, well, you can tell me anything. I'm

well, that's not true. She's like, I swear to God, you can tell me anything

want.

I was like, all right, well, I recently had sex with a woman, and she won't let

me leave.

So that ended.

What is that with the leaving, ladies? That one really hits a nerve with you

guys. Ladies, you want a guy to stay, make him want to stay.

Like, guys, we have pickup lines. Ladies, you need to stay put lines.

That's where you kick in. It's okay. I approached you at a bar. I was nervous.

was on my heels shucking and jiving. I made it work. Now you want me to hang

out, so you do it.

Isn't that justice?

She's like, well, you're not being that fun right now. I'm like, I already did

that. That's how I fucked you.

But now you want me to stay, so you go. It's just a shift change. That's all.

Win me over.

Charm me. Sweep me off my feet. You do it.

I don't get it. Girls are always like, I want this guy to like me. You push your

boobs together, wear high heels, you look sexy as hell.

Then a guy texts you like, that's it?

Well, that's what was advertised.

It's very confusing. You tricked me.

Your outfit's like a movie trailer. I'm like, oh, I want to see that movie.

I go see the movie, then I go home.

I don't sit around going, I got to get to know this theater.

And I'm not saying the theater sucks or anything's wrong with it, it just wasn't

advertised.

Talk to me. I had a girl once, you can't leave, you fucked me.

Well, is this how you get people to hang out with you?

How about a conversation, anecdote, knock -knock, something?

Ladies, you do Kegels, tighten up those stories.

I don't even get why this is so controversial.

I'm just tired. I've been bringing the heat all night. I've been playing the

hits. I'm exhausted. I want to go. She said, well, how could you be fake all

night? I'm like, well, you faked it too. You don't look like that. You're

wearing makeup.

We're both full of shit. Your eyes don't go at the end or whatever.

We're both lying. I'm just wearing makeup, my personality. That's all.

I don't know.

Like, ladies, you know when you go out to dinner with a guy, like, just because

you bought me dinner doesn't mean I owe you sex.

And that's true. But just because you let me have sex with you doesn't mean I

owe you my morning.

Right? It's the same exact transaction.

Equality.

I don't know. That's why it's weird women go, we're just as horny as men.

maybe. We have a lot more requirements, ladies. Quite a checklist.

You're like the Goldilocks of dick.

This guy's too short. This guy's too dumb. This guy's just right.

Guys, we'll fuck the porridge.

And I'm not saying one is better or worse, just different.

I go to the doctor, he's like, what happened? I was like, it was too hot.

But look, I get it. It's got to be tough to be a lady. I feel like women are

getting screwed in the orgasm department.

I feel like men are having way more orgasms than women, and that sucks.

People talk about the wage gap. The orgasm gap is out of control.

You gals are getting 77 cents to the boner.

Like, if a woman had to have an orgasm to get pregnant, they'd be like, two

people here.

And you get nothing for your orgasm, ladies. Like if a guy has an orgasm, go

get pregnant. Carry a baby for nine months. Deliver the baby, then

the baby. And all the guy had to do was this.

And he tried really hard not to do that.

It's a horrible setup with a woman. The guy has all the fun, the girl has all

the work. That'd be like if I ate a whole chocolate cake and the girl gained

weight, then she went to the gym and I got puffed.

Gotta be tough.

Plus, women, constantly judged by your looks. That's got to be exhausting.

Constantly judged by your looks. But you all know how to look good. You all look

great. That's how women figured out to take the selfie up here.

That was all you, ladies. You know where your good sight lines are.

I think that's why women like tall guys. Just some guy looking at you from your

best angle 100 % of the time all day long.

That's why you don't hook up with short guys. Just some guy like, geez, look at

the triple chin on this broad. Holy hell.

Yeah, you like a tall man, ladies, and that's okay.

That's how you're wired. You're all a bunch of height supremacists.

That was always the first question back on the dating apps. You over six feet?

You over six feet? You over six feet? I felt bad after a while. I felt like I

had to come up with something. I was like, well, no, but if it helps, I'm

growing as a person.

Eventually I got annoyed. One girl was like, how much do you weigh?

She was like, whoa, that's body shaming. It's hard for me to lose weight.

It's even harder for me to gain height.

Plus, men are so visual. That's a lot of pressure constantly. Men are so visual.

You never know what your guy's looking at. My ex -girlfriend, very paranoid.

Always going through my phone, sock drawer, sniffing me. Always looking for

clues. That's why I'm surprised you don't see more female detectives.

Ladies, you guys would be amazing at that. You guys are intuitive. You're

curious. You're persistent.

I feel like you gals would crack every case as long as you thought it was

personal.

That's the key. Like, man, this guy killed 18 people in Fresno. So what?

he's also cheating on your best friend. Give me the file.

Crack that case in an hour.

Gotta be tough, ladies. Constantly judged by your looks. Gotta be

But somehow men get the blame for this. Like, it's just men judging women, which

we do. But ladies, you guys judge each other quite harshly. You judge

by your looks. You do stuff to your looks men don't even care about.

You get your nails done? Who's that for?

We don't give a fuck.

All this jewelry and stuff. No guys have ever been like, oh my God, see that

necklace Kelly was wearing? Holy hell, ah.

That's all you. We don't care.

But it's always men. A friend of mine, she got breast implants.

I was like, hey, they look great. She goes, oh, man, so shallow.

I got these for me. I was like, okay, well, then you're shallow.

Why is this on me all of a sudden? Look, we're all shallow, all right? But

ladies, you can tell you're shallow by what you get offended by.

A friend of mine, some guy called her overweight. She flipped.

Started dieting every day just to spite this guy. Started exercising just out of

anger. I bet if my friend got called dumb, she wouldn't angrily go back to

college.

Interesting.

They say the C word is the worst thing you can call a woman. I think it's fat.

What do you think, ladies?

C word is bad.

Shouldn't call a woman the C word. We think fat is worse because it's visible.

The C word is an opinion.

That's why no woman ever looks in the mirror in the morning and goes, ah, I

feel cunty today.

What do you think? Cunty? Just putting off cuntiness?

I don't know.

You can measure fat at scale right there. There's no unit of measurement

C word.

That'd be a great infomercial, though, wouldn't it? I feel so much better after

I lost 13 cuntometers.

But that's the thing, ladies. I feel like you gals get so down about your

but you can do so many amazing things you never really brag about.

Let's go through a list of stuff women can do that's unbelievable.

First of all, you can make people.

That's insane. People are coming out of you alive.

You'd be bragging about that constantly.

I know men will take a photo of a good shit.

You're making human beings!

How annoying would men be if they could make people? I made him, him, him, him.

Men name kids after them, they didn't even do anything.

That's Jimmy Jr.

Oh yeah, what'd you do? I came.

She didn't. I gotta do everything around here.

Ladies, you can feed people. That's bananas.

You got grade A, vitamin D, organic milk on tap.

What, you got a cup of coffee? Right here.

Bowl of cereal?

I got you.

You're a fucking dairy.

I know a girl, she's lactose intolerant, still producing milk.

She's making something she can't even tolerate.

Much like my mom did with me.

Ladies, you live longer than men and you have a higher threshold for pain than

men. On paper, you're like a superhero.

On paper.

But that's the thing. You ladies are so incredible. You're such amazing beings,

yet you're some of the most insecure people I've ever met. It's always about

looks. Do I look good in this to turn you on? You like that? Do I look fat in

this to swing forward? What about this?

What are you kidding? You're a woman.

Own it.

If I was a woman, I'd be the cockiest bitch on the planet.

What do you have, a paper cut?

I've been bleeding for three days.

This fucking guy, huh?

What else you got? Oh, you cut yourself shaving?

Oh. Last week, an immigrant waxed my taint.

What's that? You push out a kidney stone?

Ooh, I pushed out a Little League player. How do you like that?

Now give me those Froot Loops.

But one of the most amazing things about women, the thing you get no credit for,

ladies, the most unbelievable, impressive thing is your ability to hide

everything. Everything is a goddamn secret.

You're all in the CIA.

You have the real you, then you let us see.

We'll go with menstruation.

Pretty big deal.

Let's start there.

You hide it pretty goddamn well.

Men are...

Clueless. We have to guess.

Is that time of the month? What do you think?

Time of the month? Does she act weird?

You realize if men got their period, there'd be blood everywhere on the

the sidewalk, everywhere.

Everywhere. Just guys walking to work. Ah, fucking uterine lining. Jesus

Holy hell. God damn it.

Give me one of those masculine napkins. Thank you. Yeah.

You too, huh, Jeff? Guess we're synced up.

Yeah, there we go. All right.

Here we go.

Says don't flush it, but... Fuck it.

It's all hidden.

Everything's hidden.

I used to work in an office in midtown Manhattan. I was the only guy on the

floor. It was me and like a hundred women. I never heard one fart, not a

not a queef, nothing.

Nothing.

Sometimes on Friday I'd bring in chili and just wait.

Nothing. I farted up here eight times tonight.

I walked in on one woman once, once taking a shit. It was like I walked in

murder scene. She was like, get the fuck out!

Take it easy. You're allowed to shit.

I'm the opposite. You walk into me, shit. I'm like, hey, what'd you bring?

Nothing. You're giving us nothing, ladies. All your sexual stuff, that's

under wraps. Very hush -hush. Men walk around, I'm an ass man. I'm a boob man.

You ever see a woman go, I'm a ball gal. Yeah.

I love that sack.

Nothing.

You're giving us nothing. Then you want us to know how you're feeling and stuff.

What are you kidding? We're in the dark.

Sometimes I'll read a Cosmo, a woman's magazine. Just get some inside dirt.

One time I was reading a Cosmo. There was a full -page article on how to go

on a woman properly.

It's like, this should be in, like, Guns and Ammo or Field and Stream.

Sports Illustrated. We want to please.

God damn it. You got fake eyelashes, hair extensions, Spanx foundation.

You should know what I'm thinking. I don't even know what you fucking look

That's why it's weird when a woman's like, you want to have sex with me? You

to get to know me first. Get to know you. You're wearing three pounds of

jewelry, clown makeup, and a hole in the fart for four weeks.

I don't know who the hell you are.

That's why it's so important to have sex.

It's not because we're horny psycho animals. We are, but it's important

you finally see behind the curtain for the first time, and it's glorious.

Ladies, your hair is messed up. You're naked, yelling out filthy obscenities.

Like, damn, who's this?

Your friend calls, hey, it took a month, but you banged Sarah. How was it?

Great. I finally met her.

He's like, oh, man, all right, well, come over. We'll talk about it. I'm

can't. She won't let me leave.

Thanks a lot. I'm Kevin Hart.

You guys were great. What a crowd.

Thank you so much for coming out. I appreciate it. Praise Allah.

Get home safe.

I'm gay.

Thank you. Have a good night. Sweep it up. LA, I love you.