Original subtitles

[River patrolman #1 gasps]

Oh, hell no.

Basket baby!

[Blows horn]

Citizens: Basket baby!

[Indistinct shouting]

River patrolman #1: Don't touch that thing!

Babies found in baskets

destroy cities.

River patrolman #2: Holy cow!

It looks just like a normal baby!

River patrolman #1: Sure, if a normal baby

could survive floating in a basket down a river!

A basket with a baby in it?

That's a heavy basket.

That basket should sink!

River patrolman #2: Yeah. This is scary.

River patrolman #1: And you'd think it'd be

good enough to eat, right?

What with all the vicious animals around,

not to mention the actual monsters.

And yet, not a scratch on it.

All clear!

[Citizens sigh in relief] Man: It's gone.

River patrolman #1: It's some other

idiot kingdom's problem now.

River patrolman #2: Do you think the king will give us

little kisses? You know,

for saving his kingdom?

River patrolman #1: I think he'll give us big kisses.

Better wash your neck.

♪

Men: ♪ Uh! ♪

♪

♪ Uh! Uh! ♪

♪ Uh, uh, uh, whoo! ♪

Shlub: Another spectacular rager!

Doozie: I woke up to tell you something

but I don't remember what it is. [Gulp]

Hippocampus: Do you think it's a good idea to employ

an old drunk as your social secretary?

Her brain is fermented.

Shlub: Brains are made of yogurt.

They should be fermented.

Hippocampus: Why do you cling to this idea?

I've shown you multiple brains.

If anything, they're made of meat jelly.

Doozie: He's right. Hey, King Shlub.

I got you a gift. It's meat jelly.

[Doozie and Shlub laugh] [Doozie coughs]

Shlub: I love being king.

It's all parties and presents.

Look at that haul!

Hippocampus: I invented a perfectly good

curse detector for those jewels. Have you even used it?

Shlub: Exercise caution and suspicion?

Nah, that's more Ty's thing.

I'll just go on Shlubbing it.

It's worked so far!

Doozie: Ah! The thing I was thinking of

came back into my brain:

the opening of Apollo's temple.

Deliria: I'm sorry, Apollo wants to open a temple here?

This is where the whole "goddess queen" business

really pays off.

Shlub, destroy the temple and ban

all Apollo worship in Krapopolis.

Shlub: Very well. Apollo is banned!

Deliria: Triumphant animal exit!

[Whinnies]

Shlub: Hold on! Don't show me that

perfect ass and then take it away!

Doozie: Huh. There's one more thing.

This was left for you. [Baby coos]

Hippocampus: Did that come from the river?

Doozie: Uh, yeah.

I thought he was the smart one.

[Doozie and Shlub laugh]

Hippocampus: It's a frickin' basket baby!

And you took it in! I'll get my catapult.

Shlub: Oh, my Hippo, always looking for an opportunity

to catapult a baby.

Hippocampus: It's not a baby, it's a basket baby!

You haven't touched it, have you?!

Shlub: We did a little skin-to-skin, yes.

Hippocampus: Aah! This is a catastrophe!

Shlub: The cutest little catastrophe I've ever seen!

Hippocampus: This is a big deal, Dad!

Stop Shlubbing and take it seriously!

Shlub: Counterpoint: it's mine, and I like it.

Doozie, throw my new baby on the gift pile!

[Baby coos] [Thud]

Hippocampus: Ty, you won't believe what-- Where'd you get that toga?

Tyrannis: Chira's Tent of Secondhand Dead Husband Stuff!

She has a "chill guy" section now

and said I qualify. You want a wiener?

That's what we call sausages around here.

Hippocampus: Very weird. But sure.

Ty, we have a real--

Mmm. This is so good. Tyrannis: I know, right?

Hippocampus: So we have a real situation down at the palace.

Um... [Band playing traditional music]

Tyrannis: Great playing, guys!

Band members: Thanks!

Tyrannis: I'm crushing it here!

I've got musician friends...

May be close to getting a nickname!

You know what? Chira!

Chira's my neighbor! It's--it's like

a whole little houseboat village.

Hippocampus: Ty, Dad took in a basket baby--

Chira: Hey, it smells great in here!

My dead husband never used to grill.

Well, unless you count when those enemy combatants

lit his body on fire after

shooting an arrow through his head,

which I don't.

[Chira and Tyrannis laugh] Hippocampus: Ty--

Tyrannis: Chira, I've just decided to throw

a last-minute housewarming party!

Chira: Really? That's great.

Everyone's gonna be so excited.

I'm gonna bring pita--wait, no,

I'll bring little, tiny fish. No, you know what?

I'll make it a game-time decision. Ooh!

Hippocampus: Did you not hear me?

A basket baby.

A once in a thousand years threat.

Basket baby detected! Tyrannis: Hippo, relax.

You don't even know if this is a real basket baby.

It could be a gag gift, like a cursed amulet

or a drinking straw that looks like a penis.

O-or say it's the real deal:

when does it become an actual threat?

At least, what, 10 years?

Hippocampus: You can't be serious.

They're kingdom killers and palace stormers.

This is an immediate threat.

Tyrannis: I hear what you're saying,

but worrying about the city and the future

isn't really my thing anymore.

This is really a Dad problem.

I've got a whole new social life

in the here and now.

I'm Ty Ty the Party Guy!

Hippocampus: You know what I hate, bro?

You're forcing me to act

like how you used to be.

And everyone hated that guy.

Apollo: Um, what's this I hear about

you having your husband ban Apollo worship?

Deliria: Well, that's more or less it, really.

That and I'm a goddess queen now,

which comes with certain perks you're beginning

to experience the other side of.

Oh, you seem upset.

You're not going to fly into a rage

and turn me into a constellation

or something like that, are you?

Apollo: Turn you into--What?

Deliria: No, I just know sometimes the gods

have turned other gods into constellations

as punishment when they get butt-hurt enough...

Apollo: I'm not "butt-hurt."

I don't even know what that means.

I don't even care!

Deliria: Oh, I see-- you came all the way

over here to tell me you don't care

that I had you banned.

Apollo: Um, yes, because you needed to hear it.

I don't care because I have plenty of followers

as the god of archery, dance, the friggin' sun,

poetry, music, healing-- that's a big one,

maybe you've heard of it--

Deliria: Oh, Scott!

Could you hurt yourself

for me very quickly?

Scott: You mean like this? Aah!

Deliria: Excellent.

Scott: Aah! Aah!

Wow! I feel like I've been recently dead, in a good way!

Apollo: Whoa, OK. I'm sorry.

Did you just heal him?

Deliria: I'm encroaching on your turf.

Does that bother you?

Apollo: Is this because I said that

healing was a big one?

Deliria: Yes, and because I don't think

you've ever actually

healed anyone ever.

Apollo: Me?! What?! Of course I have!

It's just been a while, and I don't

have to to keep the title.

You know that. Besides,

that was just a small boo-boo.

You'd have to get a lot of followers

with a lot of small boo-boos

to make a dent in my territory.

Maybe I shouldn't have given you that idea.

Whatever. It's fine. I'm gonna go ride

my chariot across the sun.

Deliria: We both know that's not true.

Apollo: Across it! In front of it!

You know what I--Shut up!

Deliria: Oh, I like this!

Scott, tell everyone that I am now Deliria,

Queen of Krapopolis, and Goddess of Small Boo-Boos!

Scott: Aah!

[Baby crying]

Stupendous: Ooh, what's this? Dad get another cursed amulet?

Sometimes I throw 'em at Scott's feet

and he jumps around all funny like, "Oh, no, now I'm cursed."

Especially when they explode. [Laughs]

Hippocampus: No. Dad took in a basket baby.

[Baby coos] Stupendous: I'll get the catapult.

Stupendous: Dad, what'd you do with our catapults?

Shlub: Turned them all into toga guns. Why?

Hippocampus: Because Stupe agrees with me

that we need to do something about the basket baby--Oh.

It was just here--Gah!

Shlub: How'd that get up there?

Huh! That little guy really is something.

Hippocampus: That "little guy" is a guaranteed

catastrophe and we need to get rid of it.

Stupendous: Now, when you say "get rid,"

my mind goes to "kill," but I'm in the killing business.

That's not what you mean...right?

Hippocampus: Is there a reason it needs not to be?

Shlub: It's so cute!

Hippocampus: Of course it's cute.

That's a tool it uses to

trick you into not killing it!

Stupendous: Well, all babies do that.

Hippocampus: You immediately said let's get the catapult!

What did you think we were going to do with it--

use it as a swing set?!

Stupendous: I dunno, fling it out of town?

I didn't think too far past that.

But anything more extreme

than that, I dunno, I kinda get the icks.

Hippocampus: What if we just put it back in the river?

Stupendous: To drown it?

Hippocampus: Not necessarily!

No, not to drown it, just let it drift

to some other city and destroy that one.

Stupendous: That's good. Dad?

Shlub: What I heard was we're going skinny dipping!

[Partiers and Doozie cheer]

Hippocampus: He was not wearing that a second ago.

Stupendous: Nope.

[Tyrannis humming to himself]

Potluckus: Hey, Ty Ty, I hear you're

having a party, guy.

Haven't introduced myself yet. I'm Potluckus.

Kinda the social director around here.

Tyrannis: Hey, my man! Nice to meet you!

Potluckus: I didn't want to ruin the surprise, but

we've actually already got

a "Welcome Ty" party planned for tonight.

Tyrannis: Oh, wow, that's so nice!

I had no idea. Thank you so much!

Potluckus: You got it. See you tonight!

Tyrannis: How about that! [Humming to himself]

Chira: Ty, we need to talk. Tyrannis: Kolax!

I didn't know you lived here!

Kolax: Yeah, I assumed you did know,

so I was waiting for you to say hi,

but then I was the one not saying hi to you, and...

Tyrannis: I'm...not sure what reaction

I'm supposed to have to this story.

Chira: Kolax, find your chill.

Tyrannis: Oh, Potluckus was just here,

and he said that-- Chira: Yeah,

that's why we're here.

That man is a tyrant.

He throws all the parties

and no one else is allowed to.

And he always insists on doing the entree,

but he puts out a sack of meat

you know he got at a bargain.

Kolax: Worse than that, he doesn't let anyone

bring cheese on his boat.

And it's not because he doesn't like cheese.

Oh, he likes cheese! He thinks he knows

more about cheese than everyone else

so he's always the cheese guy.

I happen to think I would be a great cheese guy!

Chira: At first it seemed like fun--different people host,

everyone brings a different dish--but when

Marty's turn came up to host, well, let's say

I sold a lot of black togas that week.

[Tyrannis gasps] Potluckus killed him?

Chira: No, he scraped his leg up on a barnacle

and then a couple of days later his skin fell off.

But before we knew it, a schedule was set

and nobody here could defy Potluckus.

Until you came along.

Tyrannis: Wow. The politics here are crazy!

Chira: So, will you? Defy Potluckus,

throw your own party, and put party throwing

back in the hands of all who want to?

Tyrannis: Kolax, go get some cheese.

Soldier #1: Look, Apollo worship has been banned

so we don't have a choice.

Now just pull the fresh skin

over the old skin. Soldier #2: Aah!

Soldier #1: That's how you fix a scratch.

Soldier #2: You're forgetting our most powerful

healing tool after Apollo--pee! Why don't we try pee?!

Deliria: Yoo hoo! No need to pee on each other!

Goddess Queen Deliria is here to help!

Soldier: Uhh!

Soldier #1: Whoa, I didn't think anything

was more powerful than pee.

This is great.

Deliria: Ooh, look who's back!

I must be making a dent in your territory.

Apollo: Pfft. Barely!

I'm just here to say that you are

not more powerful than pee. Mmkay?

You know Orion came from pee?

Came straight out of a bull's hide full of god pee

and he hasn't stopped being a pest since.

Deliria: Ah, yes, you turned him into

a constellation, didn't you? What are you saying?

Are you going to turn me into a constellation as well?

Are you so mad that you'll turn me into a constellation?

Apollo: Why do you keep talking about--

Is that what this is about?

You want me to turn you

into a constellation?

Why, because it'll prove you

"got my goat" or something?

I'm not here for that. I'm here to tell you--

Man #1: What! Man #2: I can see again!

[Citizens talking at once] Apollo: Stop--Stop it!

Stop doing that!

Deliria: Do you want to know why Apollo

can't have a temple in Krapopolis?

Hmm? Hmm? The wait times.

The ineffectualness. The fraud-godding.

You get none of that with me, Deliria,

Goddess Queen of All Boo-Boos,

Stronger Than Pee, and Irker of Apollo!

[Citizens cheer]

[Partygoers cheer and laugh]

Hippocampus: We gotta get rid of this thing

before it destroys Krapopolis, so,

I'll wade out front and make sure it catches the current.

[Baby cooing]

Hippocampus and Stupendous: Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!

Hippocampus: No, no, no, no, no.

Stupendous: Oh, no, no, no, no! Hippocampus: This isn't OK!

Shlub: Oh, hello, little guy! Where did you come from?

Partygoer #1: Oh, wow, look at that baby!

You know, I'm weirdly compelled to

follow him into battle.

Stupendous: OK, this is all really unsettling.

Hippocampus: Are you on my level now?

Can you please tell me you're on my level?

Stupendous: Can't we just give it to someone?

Hippocampus: Huh! Stupendous: Better make it quick

because the longer I'm with it,

the more I want to pledge allegiance to it...

but I won't! I won't.

Tyrannis: Hi. Ha ha. Hi. [Indistinct chatter]

Tyrannis: Absolutely.

Hey, Kolax! Wow, look at that!

Kolax: I got so excited I might have gone a little overboard.

Tyrannis: We love that here. This party is

laid back, remember? No rules, just fun!

Potluckus: Uh, what do you think you're doing?

Tyrannis: Potluckus! Glad you could make it.

Listen, thanks for the invite to your place tonight,

but since I'd already gotten the word out about mine,

I decided I should probably stick with it.

I don't see why we can't all

throw a party if we want to.

Chira: Hey, Ty! Great party.

I went with pita. It goes with everything,

like the color of your eyes with my dead husband's clothes.

Potluckus: I get it now. Chira sold you

on this little spectacle.

How many times you gonna

buy her togas, Tyrannis?

Tyrannis: Whenever I have a special occasion to attend?

What are you on about, Potluckus?

Potluckus: Why don't you take a look around, Ty Ty?

Everyone brought pita, nobody brought booze.

Kolax brought his homemade cheese,

which he does not know how to make.

And how about those tasty wieners?

How many did you budget per person?

Tyrannis: I actually accidentally gave them all away

throughout the day while I was getting ready.

Potluckus: And you figured everyone else's

contribution would pick up the slack.

Just like everyone else did.

Tyrannis: Well, so what? We don't need control

and order and good planning to have a good time.

Potluckus: I don't believe you believe that.

And I think you're more like me

than you are like them.

Mind if I take this?

It's gonna go great with

my huge sack of meat.

I got extra, just in case.

[Citizens moaning]

Man #1: Help! Man #2: Ha ha ha! That tickles!

Deliria: This is disgusting. Apollo: Yeah. It is.

Usually these people are barfing all over my temple

but now they're barfing in yours.

Deliria: Is healing them the only way to get rid of them?

Apollo: It's one way, but it'll just encourage

more and sicker and stinkier mortals to show up.

Or you can lift the ban and we can all

go back to the way we were.

Deliria: I will take the third option.

Apollo: There is no third option!

Deliria: Oh, I think there might be!

[Chicken clucks] Deliria: I'll do some healing until I find out.

Apollo: Argghh. God, you are so annoying!

OK. You are leaving me no choice!

I know it's what you want, but--

Deliria: Turn me into a constellation?

Apollo: Uch. Turn you into a constellation!

Deliria (as constellation): Ah! Ha ha ha ha!

Apollo: You know what you have to do

to get out of this!

Deliria (as constellation): Why would I want to?

My arse is so pointy. I love it!

Stupendous: I gotta tell you, I was a little surprised

you were so down to find the basket baby a new home.

It's such a humane solution.

Hippocampus: If giving a baby to someone who

desperately wants a baby

even though we know that baby is

destined to cause untold catastrophe is humane,

then yeah, that's what I am.

Stupendous: Are basket babies ever the good guys?

Hippocampus: I'm not sure what "good guys" means,

but I'd probably say it depends whether your

family's the one being overthrown?

Here we are.

Stupendous: Wait a minute.

Is this a volcano?!

Stupendous: You said we were giving

the basket baby a home,

not throwing it in the volcano!

Hippocampus: Who said anything about

throwing it in a volcano?!

I heard the High Priestess

of the Volcano likes babies.

Stupendous: For volcano sacrifices?

Hippocampus: Or maybe she wants the fulfillment

of raising a child!

Or she's bored! I don't know!

Stupendous: OK, but I give final approval.

High Priestess of the Volcano: Hey, hi.

I'm the High Priestess of the--

[Gasp] Is that a basket baby?!

I've always wanted one of those.

Hippocampus: It is, and you're in luck,

because we're looking to find it a home.

Stupendous: We would raise it ourselves, but we're

siblings and sociopathic in our own distinct ways.

So can you tell us a little bit about yourself?

What's your parenting style?

High Priestess of the Volcano: I like to be the baby,

so I'd let it call the shots.

Stupendous: That's good. I like that.

Hippocampus: Good enough for me.

High Priestess of the Volcano: Oh, this baby

is gonna make the volcano so happy!

Thank you, guys!

[Splash]

Stupendous: I said I didn't want to throw

a baby in a volcano!

Hippocampus: And you didn't!

And I didn't! But guess what?

I would throw a baby into a volcano

to save our family!

Because as much as you guys like to paint me

as the heartless one who cuts people open just for looksies,

who tests minute amounts of poisons on his siblings--

Stupendous: What? Hippocampus: Who--

[Explosion, rumbling]

High Priestess of the Volcano: Oh, hey, buddy.

Hey.

Lava goes that way, huh?

Away from mama. Away from mama.

Stupendous: Run!

[Hippocampus and Stupendous screaming]

[Baby cooing]

Stupendous: OK, you weren't overreacting!

You were right!

Hippocampus: Run to the water!

Tyrannis: OK, so we're out of booze,

we had to throw out the cheese, but that

doesn't mean this isn't a kickass party.

Ty Ty is gonna make this work.

Kolax: Is that a basket baby riding a wave of lava?

Tyrannis: We don't know that's a basket baby.

Could just be a lava demon.

Kolax: Aah! [Panting]

[Hippocampus and Stupendous screaming]

[Partygoers screaming]

Potluckus: Hey, everyone! As you can see,

lava is slowly flowing directly towards Ty's houseboat

accompanied by some kind of demonic being.

My place is just behind Ty's.

I got plenty of drinks and meat to ride this out.

It was a nice try, Ty Ty,

but not just anyone can throw a potluck.

Shlub: Is this where the party is?

I brought ice! Nobody ever has enough!

Oh, hey, Ty! Look, everyone, it's my son Ty!

Is this your...lava party?

Tyrannis: I don't know. Is this your basket baby?

Shlub: My what? Hippocampus: He forgot.

[Baby coos] Shlub: Oh, yeah!

This guy! I did forget.

Thanks for taking care of him. He's your brother, right?

Stupendous: No. He's a basket baby. Confirmed.

Really dangerous, the sort of basket baby that makes you

want to apologize to your brother

for not letting him kill it.

Hippocampus: I appreciate that.

Shlub: Well, I'm glad to hear it all worked out.

Ty, what is this party?

There's no booze here!

Hippocampus: It hasn't all worked out!

Ty, can you help us out here?

Tyrannis: Dad. To successfully get rid of

a basket baby, the recipient of the "gift" has to do it.

Didn't I say this was "Dad's problem"?

Hippocampus: Dad! Please!

Shlub: Well, if that's what you really want,

I'm taking this little guy

for a drink. Don't follow me!

Doozie: So there's really no booze here?

Oh, that place looks fun.

Chira: I don't care what Potluckus put in your head.

It was a really fun party until the lava started flowing

toward the houseboat while carrying that creepy baby.

See you soon, Ty Ty.

Stupendous: Ooh, "Ty Ty"?!

Tyrannis: Oh, stop it. She's just a friend.

Dad! Where have you been? And where--

Shlub: Is the basket baby?

Don't worry, I took care of it.

Shlub, voice-over: I know you think I don't take anything

seriously, but I don't like catastrophe any more than you.

And while I didn't share your urgency about Ron--

Hippocampus, voice-over: Wait. Wait, wait, wait--

You named the basket baby?

Shlub: Helps with memory.

Shlub, voice-over: I know that all of the evidence

pointed to him being a threat to our family.

So I found a solution.

Hippocampus: You fed Ron to wolves?!

Shlub: Wolves don't eat babies. They raise them!

[Tyrannis, Stupendous, and Hippocampus talking at once]

Shlub: I know what I'm doing.

Trust me, nothing can go wrong. And if it does?

That's a tomorrow problem for tomorrow Shlub.

And tomorrow Shlub never loses. He Shlubs.

[Cups clink]

Has anyone seen your mother?

Deliria (as constellation): You have,

you just don't know it!

No, no, up here!

Shlub: Deliria! Is that you?

Deliria (as constellation): Yes! I pissed off Apollo

so badly that he did this to me.

I've discovered whole new ways to get under their skin!

Shlub: You look gorgeous, my darling!

Your arse is so pointy!

Deliria (as constellation): It is, isn't it?!

Shlub: I would love to make love to you right now,

but I'm not sure I know how!

Deliria (as constellation): I look forward to trying!

Tyrannis: Is there any way to turn you back?

To be clear, totally unrelated new thought

having nothing to do with what Dad just said.

Deliria (as constellation): The only way he'll turn me back

is if your father lifts the Apollo worship ban.

Which he should not do.

I'm loving this!

Stupendous: Do you want something to drink or something?

Deliria (as constellation): No, no, I'm good.

I'm in space.

[Wolf sniffs, howls]

[Growls]

[Ron growls]

[Wolves growling]

[All howl]

Deliria (as constellation): What do you think you're doing?!

Get out of here! Shoo! Go on, shoo!

Go and find your own city, you stupid, little basket man!

Dan Harmon: Did you get any of that?

Voice: Bento.