Original subtitles

This programme contains strong language and adult humour.

No, that actually feels amazing.

Listen, I'm not even gassing.

If this film thing doesn't work out, I'll just set up a shop.

Don't say that. It will work out.

Thank you. And then you can open a salon on the side.

Ah, so I got this really weird email from my boss.

Kooky or Ted Bundy weird?

Basically it was this really vague email about wanting me

to come in for this unscheduled meeting tomorrow.

Not for you getting fired?

I know, right?

What are we going to do if we're both unemployed?

Yeah, I'm actually freelance.

No, I know. Of course. Of course.

Sorry, babe.

How did the flat viewing go?

These men love using their fish-eye lenses

when taking pictures of rooms.

What did your mum say?

I haven't asked her yet because I just want to

explore everything else before this baby kicks me out.

Oh, fuck!

Ow, shit.

Kwabs, get the car! No, don't. Oh, my God.

Yo, is it coming? No, no. Don't get the car. Is it coming now? No...

Fuck! OK, baby. Just remember the hypno-birthing. OK.

And remember, breathe and keep calm. Baby, just let me say what it is

I need to say before you keep shouting. Just keep calm, baby!

SHE SHOUTS: Mo, please, can you stop?

Stop.

QUIETLY: I was just shaving my pum-pum.

You're shaving your pum-pum?! Yo, I got...

False alarm, Kwabs.

Sorry.

You're so loud.

Yes, baby. I was shaving my pum-pum.

Baby, why are you shaving?

Well, because look!

Look at it.

Exactly. I can't have all those people looking at my bush

when I'm pushing out our baby.

Baby, shaving can increase the risk of infections, you know?

Who told you that? In fact, I know who told you that.

That bloody book! You and this book, I swear to you,

it's driving you crazy. Me crazy?

You're the one that's butchering your pum-pum for the doctors! OK.

Are you going to help me or not?

Fine.

Shall we get the clippers?

Because down there is looking a bit wild still.

You weren't complaining when it was on your face.

# Pum-pum cut inna two

# Half a fi me and half fi you. #

Thanks so much for doing this, Kwabs.

Yeah. No worries. I think this is everything done. Great job!

Thank you. Would you mind passing this on

to your old recruitment colleagues?

It's Dorvin's CV.

Might need you to polish it a bit. I was never much good with them.

Yeah. OK. Yeah. Um... What sort of job is he looking for?

Anything.

SHE CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY

Are you all right, Auntie?

Since we moved back to London...

..I'm just worried about these new friends he's hanging around with.

I think, you know, some stability will do him good.

OK, I'll pass that on. Thank you. Is that Kwabs?

Fam! What are you saying? Come on, bro. Down the studio, obviously.

Yeah? Bruv, the new ting I'm working on - oh, my God, it's sick.

With those friends again.

Oh, Mum. I love it, man!

I'm just chasing my dreams like Kwabs.

Yes, but Kwabs' job doesn't include talking about a woman's nyash,

and calling her tings, does it?

Oh! Yo, bruv. Have you heard my new tape yet?

Yo, I've been mad busy, bro, but...

Come upstairs and listen to it now, then.

Yo, I have to catch a bus home.

Bruv, bus? At your big age?

God forbid! Mum, I'm sorry.

Yeah, I'll listen tonight, though.

Thank you. No problem, Auntie. Thank you. Take care.

Make sure you listen to that. I've got you, bruv.

I'll put this in the kitchen.

Oh, Mum! Come on, man. Don't be like that.

HE SIGHS

Cheers. Kwabs?

Adam.

Oh, it's so good to see you, man.

You, too.

Oh, d-do you fancy a pint?

Oh, I was actually heading out.

Oh, OK.

It's just, um...

..I could, like, really do with a friend right now.

KWABS SIGHS

And I haven't heard from her since.

I'll be OK.

It's just like...

..the first girl in ages that I've really liked.

Yeah, it's OK.

I've actually started writing some poems again.

Oh, OK. I find it very cathartic. Great. Do you want to hear one?

Um... I reminisce on your skin, soft as silk

We were a latte, but now coffee and milk

I thought I was your man, the yin to your yang

But now I sit here in the dark and all I can think is, "Damn."

Do you like it? It's...

Did you get the metaphor about the latte? Mm-hm, I got it.

This one's called Jungle Love. Yo, yo, yo, yo.

Fam. Yeah? How's work?

Ah, well, you know, we're all going to karaoke

on Friday if you want to... Um...

Probably not.

I am really sorry about that.

It's OK, man. It's OK.

Um, but, actually, you could do me a favour.

Oh? So one of my little cousins is looking for a job,

so if I could send you his CV?

Absolutely, brother. Yeah. Of course. One hundy-P.

What kind of work does he want to get into?

I mean, he just wants to be a drill artist, man.

Um, well, Vicky deals with most of our construction clients,

but, no, I can definitely make sure he gets something.

Look, whatever you can get him, that's fine.

You Nigerian, me Anglo-Saxon

We're black and white like Michael Jackson...

Yo, yo, yo. Leave it? Yeah. Leave it there.

PHONE RINGS

Yo, what you saying? Come quick, Funmi's water's broke!

Hello?

Yo! Yo, Kwabs!

Yeah, I'm coming. I'm coming.

OK. Cheers, Kwabs. Oh, my God. Another one's coming.

Oh, it's happening again. Just going to get your seat belt.

You're too close! OK. OK.

Stop looking at me. OK. OK.

Fam, what am I doing?

OK, go, go, go, go, go, go!

You OK, baby? Oh, my God. You're going to be OK.

Oh, baby, please stop saying OK.

OK.

Bruv, why are you going so slow, man? Go faster! Come on, man!

Let go, man! What do you want me to do? Faster!

Shit, man. What are you doing?

Look, I need something to distract me, man.

That's someone else's food, man! Fuck them!

Fucking hell. Are you fucking eating a burger?

You made me vegan this whole time.

Really, man? Gonna have to pay for that shit as well.

Oh, whatever, man! Look, I needed it for the stress, OK?

Fam. Let me just get one more...

Stop eating the food!

SHOUTING: I need it!

Hold on!

OK. OK, OK, OK.

OK, OK.

All right, baby. There you go.

Oh, shit.

I am so sorry.

Sorry. Relax, please. There we go, baby.

I'm relaxed. I'm relaxed. You see? Relaxed.

Let's go.

Yo. I'll drop this delivery, then come back.

Cool, cool!

DOOR BELL RINGS

Hi! Hey. Hi!

Kwabs asked me to bring this camera over for him. Thank you.

He's not here at the moment. Oh. No, it's because Fun's gone into labour.

Stop it. Ah!

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, I know.

I don't suppose you want to help me set up the welcome home party? Oh...

I have Prosecco, and I've got dips.

Yeah, you had me at Prosecco. OK.

And I've got some time before brunch, so, yeah. You look so nice!

So do you! You look great!

HEARTBEAT PULSES, MONITOR BEEPS STEADILY

Everything looks great.

Baby's heartbeat is healthy, so we'll just leave you here for a bit

to monitor you. OK. Thank you very much.

What do we do if anything changes?

Maurice.

I'm just asking to be safe so I don't have to run anywhere.

That's all.

There's a red cord there for emergencies.

HE MUTTERS: Red cord, cool.

For emergencies.

Yes, I know. Baby, you need to relax.

I need to be on guard because I'm guarding the cave, remember?

So can I guard the cave, please?

Guard the cave. Thank you.

Red cord.

Ooh!

What happened? Mm... Hm? I think it's another contraction.

OK. How long since the last one?

Shall I call the midwife? I'll call the midwife. Let me call her. Baby.

You stressing stresses me out.

OK.

SHE SIGHS

Why don't we do some breathing exercises?

Yeah? Yeah.

OK.

Ah.

SHE INHALES

And out...

That's it.

LONG CONTINUOUS BEEP

Ooh! Oh, shit! What's that? The heartbeat's stopped.

It's stopped! Someone, help! Come on!

Coming, I'm coming!

The heartbeat, the heartbeat. The heartbeat has stopped. It's stopped.

It's OK.

The monitor was just out of place.

Oh. What?

HEARTBEAT PULSES

Everything is normal still, see?

Why didn't you tell us that that could happen?

Well, now you know.

Ah! Oh, it's OK, baby.

You're doing great. You're doing great. Oh, no, no, no.

That felt really weird.

Weird how? Well, you'll be feeling lots of discomfort at the moment.

It's perfectly normal. It's nothing to worry about.

OK. Sorry. Could you just check her again, please?

Just to be safe, please?

Everything is fine.

The dilation's only two centimetres,

so you're not in active labour yet.

I suggest going home and resting up.

Um...

So, um...I've been reading this book

and it says that black women are four times

more at risk during pregnancy.

And I've been a midwife for six years.

And how many black women have you treated in that time?

We're in Edmonton.

You know what? Sorry. What uni did you go to?

Let me check it on the rankings. Mo!

Mr Mitchell, I understand you're nervous,

but we can't keep your wife here for 12 hours

when there are other women who need immediate attention.

I know, but as you know, anything can change at any moment.

So all I'm saying is - please check her over again.

I know it's frightening being a new father...

You're not listening to me! Sir.

No need to be hostile. I'm not being hostile.

I'm just saying that she needs to check her over again.

Please, sir, calm down.

Oh, my God. Why is everyone telling me to calm down?

Bro, you're shouting. Look, all I'm telling them

is that they need to check her again. That's it.

Maurice, just stop. Cool down, please.

I will cool down when this eediat is gone

and she checks my wife over again.

Bro, where are you going?

Why don't we have a little break...? Bro! Hey!

Look, I didn't touch you. Relax, bro.

MONITOR BEEPS RAPIDLY What the fuck is...? What is...?

YELLING

Relax, man!

Yo.

Yo, what happened?

Yo.

I can't do it, bro.

You can't do what?

This whole time, I've been telling myself

I'll be ready when the baby gets here.

We're here.

What if I'm a bad father?

You've been a better father to an unborn child

than some fathers ever are.

You've done more for your unborn child

than my dad's ever done for me.

MAURICE SNIFFS

You're going to be a great father.

Brother.

I'm just scared, fam.

It's OK.

Good?

Let's go. Let's go.

Oh, yo.

So since you're nervous about being a father, yeah?

Could I, like, stay at the flat longer?

THEY LAUGH

Legit. You can come visit when the baby's born.

Bruv, the baby doesn't even need a whole room, man.

Right. So you decided on a name yet? Yeah. Yeah?

So, what, you're not going to give man the preview, blud?

Mr Mitchell, can I have a moment?

Yeah.

Your wife experienced a maternal collapse.

We think she has a pulmonary embolism.

We're about to take her in for an emergency C-section.

MONITOR BEEPING ECHOES

OK. Can I...? Can I go, please?

MONITOR BEEPS GROW LOUDER

MONITOR BEEPS NORMALLY

# We could all go in a second

# Go ahead, press the button... #

LAUGHTER

Stop. Stop it!

No!

But, babe, honestly, this hair. Mwah, buff.

I love your hair. Oh, my gosh. Thank you.

Do you know, it's really nice to hear a compliment

without a stupid comparison afterwards.

Don't get me started. Yeah? I've got Whitney Houston. Mm, same.

Naomi Campbell. Ooh, OK.

And Beyonce.

Why does everyone say Beyonce? It's the only reference they know!

Not even the same complexion, though! Why?

OK, OK, but check this. Mufasa. Ah.

Sideshow Bob.

And the other day I got called a Powerpuff Girl.

OK. No, Powerpuff Girls are cute.

And I know you have all the righteous mandem pulling up like,

"Yo. Impress, Nubian Goddess. Nubian Queen."

The last guy I dated, he cooked me his own recipe "jisotto".

Mm! Mm-mm! Jollof and risotto. Not...

OK! Because I was going to be like, "Urgh!" No, but you know what?

It might as well have been cos it tasted fucking gross. Ew.

It was nasty. I'm so sorry.

I swear, between dating guys here and working here,

I don't know why I bothered to leave Nige.

I have taken a demotion and I am the only black in the village.

Do you ever want to go back?

I don't know. Like, I came back here to make a name for myself.

But I am struggling.

And I had it good in Nige, you know?

Wow! This is good stuff, you know?

It's all like a therapy session happening out here, like,

what's happening? Do you want a top-up? Yes. Please do.

You deserve it. Thank you. Don't be shy.

Here you go. Yeah.

PHONE BUZZES

It's Kwabs. Mm.

Hello. How's Funmi doing?

Oh, my God.

When can I hold the baby?

The nurse said we shouldn't touch him.

What can they tell me about a baby?

Boy, boy, boy, boy. You won't believe it.

Dem only have soy milk. Soy milk, you know? Hm!

This vegan ting going too blasted far, man.

This is their plan all along now. Mm.

Did you people know that soya has oestrogen?

What? Mm-hm.

And now they're trying to feed it to all of us

to turn our black men gay.

Me read something pon WhatsApp about that.

Dem are try and eradicate the black population.

So what you drink it for?

Uncle, honestly, I don't think it's white people's grand master plan

to kill us with soy milk.

Small boy, you don't know nothing.

Sorry, but visiting hours are finished.

You guys go.

I'll stay. You sure, son?

Yeah. It's late.

I'll call you if anything changes. We're all with you.

Make sure you do, eh?

Churches pray now, fasting. No sleeping tonight. Come.

God will do it.

Maurice, we'll come back tomorrow with the cow's milk, eh?

It's really put everything into perspective.

What?

I, um... I wasn't sure when to talk about this...

..but you know that meeting that I had with my boss?

Yeah?

Well, the company are opening a practice in New York,

and they need someone to lead it.

That's...

That's great, though.

Yeah.

Yeah, um...but that would mean that I'd have to move there

for a year.

OK.

I haven't accepted it, the position.

They're just encouraging me to apply. Did you?

No.

It's overwhelming. Like, my whole life is here, babe.

But it's an amazing opportunity.

I know.

I guess I wanted to discuss it with you first.

We'll be fine.

OK?

Yeah. Good.

Apply.

OK? OK. OK.

MONITOR BEEPS STEADILY

Don't worry, babe.

I'm still here.

MONITOR BEEPS ECHO

Me, too.

SHE MOANS

Babe, where's the baby?

The baby, is he going to be OK?

He's great.

He's been waiting to meet you.

BABY COOS

They find a name for the baby yet?

I've given them some Yoruba names.

Boy, me hope them go with something standard, you know,

for the first name.

Don't want to mash up the boy's job prospects before he even starts.

You and this backward thinking, Claude. Honestly! Backward?

Look pon your cub and what you call him. Leave my boy out of this.

Ah, my brother, you might be happy to name your children

the slave master's name, but please don't put that on us.

Did you bring the cow's milk? Of course. Ah.

Good, good, good, because we want more grandchildren. Ah, bare new.

Aw!

How are you, my sweet girl? Mm, tired.

Have you had skin-to-skin touch with the baby? Yeah.

Because it's very important. You know that it's those babies

that don't have skin-to-skin contact

that become serial killers when they grow up. Excuse me.

You're only supposed to... Excuse you, too.

Please, we do not have time for your nonsense again today.

Kilode!

Have you all decided on a name yet?

Everyone, meet Mayowa Maurice Mitchell.

Mayowa!

Good luck with the job prospects, boy.

Want to hold him? That's your grandson.

It's too late now.

Denying me my grandson, eh?

There we go. Look how it suit him, Claude.

You have your phone? Take a picture. Come on.

DEEP VOICE: Hurry up and pack your shit, bro.

I'm coming for my room.

# Don't know why you think you're a G, fam

# Put down the zoot, you're not a weed man

# You ain't on smoke like Mm-ree, mm-ree

# You don't want smoke with Mm-ree, mm-ree

# Don't know why you think you're a G, fam

# Put down the zoot, you're not a weed man

# You ain't on smoke like Mm-ree, mm-ree

# You don't want smoke with

# I been on smoke since before I even smoked, furthermore

# You can get smoked for the cause

# This is grime, you wasn't there

# I wouldn't play pussy paws

# Show respect, furthermore

# Hit my manager, then my lawyer like

# What's the racks? What's the clause? Ay, ay. #