Original subtitles

This programme contains strong language and Discriminatory Language.

PHONE RINGS Yo. I'm here now. Where are you?

Ah...just waiting on the bus.

The bus? Why didn't you get a cab?

Cab? I can barely afford the bus.

Well, hurry up. This is huge. We need to make a good impression.

Don't worry.

I've got my lucky shirt on, innit?

HE CHUCKLES

Wait.

BIRD FLIES AWAY

Oh, for...!

MUSIC: Bad Like Me by J-Fresh & Cassie Rytz

Ladies. Thank you. Thank you.

Cheers. Oh, cheers. Cheers.

Congrats, babe. Thank you.

Welcome to Unchained Voices, a scheme dedicated

to underrepresented groups.

My name is Helen.

I'm the founder and one of the judges.

Although I'm sure for some of you scallywags,

this won't be your first time in front of a judge.

Wow. Anyway, we all know why we're here,

so let's act like a tonic and...mix!

COUGHING

Yeah, I think we need to talk to some people.

Yo, is that Timothy Easley?

Wait, is that the white guy that makes all the shit black shows?

What?! You mean the white guy that makes the black shows

that win Baftas.

Oh, yeah, that same guy.

What are you on about?! Literally everything that man touches,

gold.

Go talk to him, then, babe. OK.

All right. Fine. Fine. Here we go.

OK. Oh. Relax.

Sorry, could I ask, are you Timothy Easley?

Who's asking?

A massive fan of yours.

TIMOTHY LAUGHS

In which case, I gladly confess.

Pleasure. Pleasure to meet you. My name is Kwabena.

I'm on the scheme. Kwabena? Yeah, yeah.

No, no, honestly, like, I love your work.

Like, everything you've done.

What's your project for this?

I'm actually here with a short film called Jamaica Road.

It's about a young immigrant couple who has to fight for their love

in the wake of discrimination.

So it's a period piece with a contemporary resonance.

I like it.

KWABENA LAUGHS

Um...

Would you read it?

TIMOTHY SIGHS

Um, sure.

Look, you know, I hate to be the take-my-card guy,

but, um, take the card.

I've got a premiere to get to.

God, I must sound like such a wanker.

Anyway, it's great to connect. No, it's a pleasure to meet you.

I'll get in touch.

What are you doing? The house is vegan now, bro.

Have you slept?

Eggs, if not fully cooked, risk harmful bacteria.

Funmi loves runny eggs. Bye.

I was going to cook those, man. Can't risk it. The book, bro.

I thought Funmi told you to stop reading that.

Look, every expectant mother needs a supportive partner

who shares responsibility.

It's like...Funmi's in the cave, and I'm guarding that cave.

And if anybody tries to come near, bang! They're dead.

Look at this shit.

Hight in mercury, which can be toxic to the immune system

and the kidneys. Bye-bye! Raw and processed meats?

What the hell is going on in this house! Put the steak back!

Morning, baby. Morning.

Hey. Hey.

You OK? Yeah, I'm great.

What are you doing?

Checking for symptoms of preeclampsia.

Please. I'm going to bath. Leave me. Oh, and make sure it's a cool one.

Because higher temperatures can lead to neural tube defects.

Yo, where's my rent?

I'll get it to you. Bro, man splashed out on the baby-proofing stuff.

I need that this month on time. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'll get it to you. I'll get it to you. Trust me.

Hey.

Dami is asking if you wanted to join for dinner

on Friday in Kensington.

In Kensington? Mm-hm.

Er, let me check my calendar.

Yeah. I'm working, you know? In the evening?

Yeah, it's an American client. So they run on LA time.

What time do you finish?

It's a quick turnaround, so it might be running through the night.

Sorry. It's OK.

Well, they really want to meet you, so we should arrange something

soon, yeah? Of course. OK. I've got to go, actually.

Is this for me? Yeah. I won't be drinking it. I'm late.

Thank you, though. Wow. Bye.

Wow. Bye. Bye.

This is what chivalry gets. Yes.

PHONE PINGS

Oh, my...

Hey, Amy. How's it going?

Hey, Howard. It's good, thanks.

I just wanted to clear the air about this AP role.

So, look, I really fought for you, but the board

have decided that they don't think you're quite ready.

Think of it as nurturing.

A caterpillar must become a pupa before it can fly.

Metamorphosis takes time.

Talk to Susie. She can help you become a butterfly.

Can't you, Susie?

Morning, Susie. Oh, God!

Is it Friday yet? I'm knackered already.

Good weekend? Lovely weekend, thank you.

Me and the girls went down to Worthing, and the weather

was just absolutely gorgeous.

I was going to say. You look like you've got a bit of a tan there, actually. Thank you.

I'm nearly as dark as you now!

Any update on those contracts?

Yeah, they've already been sent off and awaiting signatures.

And if you could finalise the schedule by end of play today,

that would be brilliant.

You wanted me to do the schedule? Yeah, you're the AP.

That's what the AP... Of course. Yeah, sure. OK.

Sure thing.

Can you show me how to do it?

Yeah. Let me just finish this and then I'll...

Thank you. Thank you so much. ..do your job for you.

Sorry, what was that? I will help you as soon as I'm done.

Oh, babe, thank you. No worries. You're so kind. OK.

HE GROANS

PHONE PINGS

Timothy? Oh, fuck!

Oh, sorry.

Timothy. Ah, Kwabena.

Good to see you.

Would you like a drink? Yeah, sure.

Could I have a mint tea?

It's after midday. Have a real drink.

OK. Um, a lager.

Lager. And an old fashioned. Absolutely.

So... I finished Jamaica Road last night.

I absolutely loved it.

Genuinely, it was a joy to read.

Thank you. Thank you.

It means a lot coming from someone like you.

Put my four Baftas aside,

I just want to talk Jamaica Road. Bring me up to speed.

What's the plan for it?

Honestly, not much of a plan, but the idea is to get the short

made so that I can approach agents and hopefully get work.

We have something coming up I think you could be perfect for.

I can't say much, but I can tell you that...

..Idris is attached.

Interested? Yeah...definitely.

I have to run it past the team first.

But have you got any other writing samples?

What, other than...?

Not right now.

Right. Thanks.

Well, I'll send you a brief for some scenes to write.

You reckon you can turn them around this week?

I hope I'm not being rude asking this, but, um...

..is it paid? Paid?

It's just because, you know, I've done a lot of, like, writing

samples for people and... We're not those assholes who take advantage

of new talent. It's 300 a day.

Great.

HE LAUGHS

Great. Cheers.

Timothy. Hmm.

Drew. Bought a ticket to the Timothy Show, I see.

Still going with the same joke, I see. Still funny, so why not?

Kwabena, this is Drew.

She used to represent me. Until he fired me.

Kwabena was just telling me he's looking for an agent.

Really? What do you do, Kwabena. I'm a writer-director.

He's good. You should get in there early. High praise from Caesar.

The only person I've ever heard him speak well of is...himself.

Anyway, I'll stop interrupting, but he's got my details, so,

yeah, drop me a line. Will do.

Thank you. And, um, don't let him steal your ideas.

Such a shame when people let business get

in the way of friendship.

Could I ask why you fired her?

She was shit. OK.

Mm!

Mm! God!

So good.

Hey, how long do you think I should wait before I send

a follow up email?

SHE MUMBLES

What?

What's it for?

Yo, so, remember that job I was vying for?

Hmm. So basically, I sent Timothy two sample scenes around, like, two

weeks now, and he still hasn't gotten back to me.

OK, well, you could always use the old,

"Hey, I've been having problems with my emails.

"Just wanted to check you received my last message" spiel, you know?

OK. Yeah, thank you.

What's going on?

Please don't tell Maurice. My baby needs meat, man! And cheese.

All right, cool.

PHONE PINGS

Oh.

PHONE PINGS

MUSIC: I Want You by Kadeem Tyrell

After you, babe. Thank you.

Is there anything I need to look out for from your friends?

Just remember, if they say anything that comes across as invasive,

it's because it is.

But that's because they care. OK? OK, cool.

We're just here, right?

This is Kwabena.

Kwabena, these are my best friends, Lauren and Dami.

Hi. Nice to finally meet you.

Yeah, we've been eager to meet Vee's mystery man. Mm-mm-mm.

The knight that saved the wig.

Why do you always have to bring that up whenever I speak about him?

So, Vee tells us you're a film director.

I am, yeah. So what are you working on currently?

I'm working on a short film at the moment. OK, short film.

Yeah. Like, YouTube?

Er, no.

So it's with this scheme, and they provide funding

for the film. And does that pay well?

It doesn't pay at all, actually.

But I work freelance, so, you know, I have other clients

that I work with. And does that pay well? Dami. What?!

I'm just making sure he can look after my cocoa bean.

Thank you very much. Don't mind this girl.

She wants us to be asking these questions. She actually does. Yeah.

That producer, babe, that you're working with at the moment,

what's his name? Easley. Timothy Easley. Yeah, although I wouldn't

say I'm, like, working together just yet. He's offered you a job,

actually, so I think that counts. Shit! This guy does big stars.

Oh, hello. OK.

Four-time Bafta winner, Golden Globe nominee.

OK, nice. OK, OK.

Can I take your order? Oh, yes. Yes, yes, yes, yes.

Please, I would like the oysters for starters and the grilled lobster,

for me. Yes.

Can I have the calamari, with the filet mignon,

with the truffle mush? Yeah.

Can I please have the dim sum, and can I have the lobster, please?

Absolutely. Thank you.

Can we get a bottle of champagne? Absolutely.

And for you, sir?

You know what? Could I have the soup of the day?

Is that everything?

Yeah. You know what,

I just haven't had pumpkin soup in such a long time.

Is that right? Yeah. I'll take the menus. Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you. Thanks very much.

Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you.

And can you imagine, he suggested we go halves? Oh!

Like, I'm not the one in make-up and heels.

It's unsafe for me in these streets. Like, as a man, don't you have any shame?

I don't know why you went back in the first place.

Any man who doesn't pay on the first date is getting returned to sender.

And this is why your bed is always cold.

But my electric blanket is always on. Yeah.

THEY LAUGH

Thank you.

OK. Are we all happy to split, yeah? Yeah.

That is 89.25 each.

Yeah? Yeah? Yeah, that's fine.

Mm-hm.

That OK with you, Kwabs?

It's just...

I only ordered a soup, you know?

Could I pay for my soup, please?

HE SCOFFS

Of course.

He's not paying for you? It's OK.

If you're brokey, say you're brokey. Babes.

Well, I wasn't the one ordering champagne as if we're at the Baftas.

And what would you know about that?

This is why you don't pick up people at the bus stop.

Oh, my God. That's where I know you from!

Yes, you do our deliveries. Deliveries?

Seriously? Is this who you've been dating? Wait.

No, no, no, no, no, no. Hold on. You are ordering bare shit, bruv.

What? We're feminists until we have to split the bill.

If you're broke, just say you're broke.

Maybe if you'd split the bill with the first date, you'd have a man

here to pay for your food, innit?

Who are you talking to?!

That OK with you, Kwabs?

If it's OK for you ladies, I'd love to pay for dinner.

Thank you. Oh, babe, you don't have to do that.

Please. No.

It's just my way of saying thank you for a wonderful evening.

Oh. Oh, that's really nice. Thank you very much. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you.

THEY LAUGH

Thank you. Cheers.

HE EXHALES

It's just the reception in here is a bit bad, isn't it?

THEY LAUGH

No, it's not you. It's not you.

That's not...

CARD MACHINE BEEPS Oh, it has! It's gone through.

It's gone through. Thank you so much. Again, thank you for that.

No problem. Thanks so much, babe. No worries.

Good evening. You're through to Knight's bank. How may I help you today?

Hi. I'd like to report a stolen bank card.

Amy, thanks for coming in and meeting us.

As you know, representation is incredibly important to us.

So we wanted to ask you if you could lend us your ideas on some stuff,

seeing as you're a person of colour.

OK.

The Education Secretary has commissioned us to do an advert

for teachers, promoting their new guidelines, political

impartiality in schools.

And we thought it would be great to have a theme that was culturally

significant to the UK.

The British Empire.

And we would like you to be our voice of the African community.

OK. I mean, I... Obviously, I don't speak for all African people.

Obvs. I would imagine that they'd just say

it was pretty grim. Oh, yeah, yeah.

And we will definitely be including the bad stuff.

Oh, yeah, yeah, of course. Of course.

But because this is about impartiality, we want to include

some of the upside. I see.

Sorry, so what would you say would be the upside to slavery?

Uh...

Gospel songs? I love a good gospel song.

And the partitioning of India?

Tikka masala.

I'm just thinking, maybe we could focus on something

a little less contentious, like global warming, perhaps.

That's more our field. Look, we realise this is a difficult conversation to have.

That's why it's important for us to get it right.

I just feel that the Empire could be very problematic.

Maybe you're too close to it. Not really.

See, this is why we wanted to run it past you.

Yeah, it's important that this resonates with everybody. Hmm.

Yeah. Hmm.

Thank you, Amy. Oh, that's it? OK. right.

Oh, actually, Amy. Yes?

Could you get us some coffees, please?

Oh, yeah, babe. Flat white.

Got ya. No worries.

So, lads, the rules are - there's a knock-down, you take a sip.

When there's submission, you take a shot.

And when a man get KO or TKO, you drink your whole damn drinks.

OK, look, is Funmi going to be OK with us drinking

here all night, yeah? Funmi who?

Oh! OK. No, no, no, no.

She is at her mum's. Tonight is calm.

It's just a mandem drinking drinks, watching the fight.

Let's go. Don't say that too loud next time.

Hey. Whoa! Come on.

LOUD CRUNCHING

Brother, look what I found under your sofa, man.

What do you mean? What?!

Bro, that's not mine. What's going on, man? Whose is it?

We don't eat meat in this house. Shit. Sorry. That's mine.

I'm sorry. Yo! I must have fallen asleep. Sorry, man.

Brother, you got doner meat all up in the sofa, man?

Slide me right in between the cushion of your sofa, bruv.

Relax, man. Come on. What is he instigating, bro?

He's saying it... Right next to me, bro. Yo, yo, yo, yo, yo.

Relax, man. Oh!

Yo, how's my guy looking? He's looking strong, bro.

Yeah? Strong. We need him to do this for the side, you know? For real.

Too many of us are getting thumped up by white men in the ring.

I'm tired of seeing that shit, man.

COMMENTATOR: A clash awaits for the winner, perhaps. Oh!

Edwards changes...

THEY CHEER

Oh, my days!

PHONE PINGS

Oh, fuck off!

Yo! Wagwan, bro.

Bro, that producer that's been ignoring me stole my fucking

idea, bruv. What? What idea?

Jamaica Road, man. My feature film.

I sent it to him a couple weeks ago, and now he's just turned

it into his own TV show, bruv.

No. Coincidences does happen, though.

His agent warned me about him! Fuck that guy, man.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no. After Leon just banged up my man.

Fuck him, bro. Don't have that. It's our time, bro.

The black man ain't getting trampled down no more.

That's it! We're not having it! OK. I'm not having it!

Yeah!

"Dear, Timothy..." No, no, no, no.

"Tomothy." Yeah. Yeah.

Misspell that bitch. Because if it was your name,

they'd call you Kobena. Exactly, bruv.

"Congratulations on your new show.

"It's a shame..."

It's a fucking piss take. You're right.

"..it's a fucking piss take..."

Don't put... "You stole my idea,

"you self-righteous white saviour..."

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Coloniser. Oh!

Colonising!

"Colonising little man.

"Best of luck with your dead project..."

And "go suck your mum!"

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah.

OK. OK.

"PS, go suck your mother."

Yeah. What are you saying? What?

Send that! No, no, you lot, you lot!

THEY TALK OVER ONE ANOTHER

Send! Woo!

Are you crazy?

CHEERING AND LAUGHTER

Stole my shit! Man stole my shit, bruv!

THEY TALK OVER ONE ANOTHER

Stand up. OK. OK.

Justin. Justin, come on.

Justin! Who has strength? Who has power?

Power? Say it with me now. ALL: Who's a badass brother

who don't take shit from no-one?!

THEY CHEER

PHONE RINGS

HE GROANS

PHONE PINGS

Hi, Kwabena, it's Timothy.

Apologies for the lack of contact recently.

My mum had fallen gravely ill,

so I've been with her in Scotland all this time.

But I'm back in the office today, so if you're available at the end

of the week, then why don't you come in and we can catch up?

Fuck!

Yo, wake up. Yo, wake up, blud.

Wake up. Not now, please. Timothy's mum was ill.

That's why he didn't get back to me. His mum is sick? Yes!

Didn't you tell him to suck his mother? Yes, bro!

That was mad irresponsible. Bruv!

PHONE RINGS

Ah, fuck. Ah!

Shit, man.

Fuck.

Hello. Kwabena, hi.

How's it going? Yeah, it's fine. Um...

I got your voicemail this morning.

I'm sorry to hear about your mother.

Thank you.

I'm afraid to say she actually died yesterday.

I didn't get time to...suck her, sadly.

Whatever that means. Um, yeah.

You do realise that show was the show I was trying to get you on, right?

It's been in development for over six months.

I thought your script would have been great for one

of the episodes, but given the situation, it's probably best

we don't speak again. Wait. Can I just...?

LINE CUTS

Oh, fuck!

Bruv.

I don't think I'm going to get that job, you know?

You're still going to have the rent, right?

KWABENA SIGHS

# Suck your Suck your

# Suck your mum

# Suck your mum, suck your mum

# Yeah, I said it Suck your mum

# Suck your mother and die

# If you think niggas just love

# These cuffs and riots

# A million footsteps to make it... #