Original subtitles

Once upon a time, there was a very private school for very naughty girls.

And they were very, very wicked girls indeed.

I can't believe I have to do my own makeup and my own hair. God, I wish we

still with the network.

Ted, you're lucky to be working at all after they caught you with that 14 -year

-old boy.

Yeah. He was a foreign exchange student from Puerto Rico. We were having a

cultural exchange.

People just don't understand things like that sometimes.

How do I look?

Fine.

Now where'd they go?

Once something's done, you have to... Oh,

there they are.

Goofing off again in New York.

Who wants to be a crack whore? Not a good idea. You're lucky to be working.

was a great show. Who's idea was that?

Listen up. Listen up. Listen up.

This is a very, very expensive project.

And you have to be so careful. When we go into this house, everything's

If you break it, we own it. Do you understand? We heard the whole thing.

you stop with the hair?

Do you understand how much money we have invested in this project? Yes, lots of

money. Okay.

Here. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

God, what a bitch.

She reminds me of my top sergeant back in Nam.

Old iron pants, we call them.

Iron implants, but more like it.

That's good.

I heard that, and for your information, they're 100 % real.

These are ghost goggles.

Jackie? These are ghost goggles. They'll help us see the ghost. You get these

from a cereal bar? You know what? Be very careful with those. They're very

expensive.

High technology. Really? How do you turn them on?

Do not shake it.

I'm used to shaking things. Let's stop. Okay.

What the hell are you supposed to do with these?

Okay, let me bring you up to speed with what's going on. Now, obviously, these

special 3D goggles are way too experimental and way too expensive to be

set away with every DVD.

In fact, these are...

These are so expensive, even I'm not supposed to handle them.

Anyway, you get the point. Let me tell you how this goes.

This is a DVD -9.

What that means is there's two layers on top of here, one on top of the other.

And thanks to a scientific technology that's so far advanced that anyone

watching this show couldn't possibly comprehend its meaning,

parts of the show, allowing you to see both images at the same time. And these

are encoded, and you use these Polaroid glasses or polarized glasses to see one

layer, and then you see the other layer.

And if you don't wear them, don't worry, because then you won't see both

pictures. You'll only see one.

Now, if you're like me, and you're not super, super bright, I'm going to show

you exactly how this goes, because one's light and one's dark.

I'm going to turn around just like I'm you right now, and I'm sitting here on

the couch with you. I hold my glasses up, and here's the dark one.

And I'll put it over this eye.

And I'm looking at the TV.

So now we're all sitting on the couch. And we're watching naked girls kiss each

other. And we're watching these with the dark one over this eye. Let me turn

again.

The light one over this eye.

And that's about all there is to it. And don't be caught wearing these all the

way through the movie. Or you're going to get a hangover headache in the

morning. Even if you aren't drinking. But I suspect that you probably will be

drinking. So keep these off and only put them on.

When the characters in the movie put them on. When they put them on, you put

them on. And if I think you should put them on and the character ain't putting

them on, I'll put a thing along the bottom of the screen that says, hey,

put your glasses on now.

Okay? So enjoy them and don't lose them because I ain't giving you any more.

Hello, America.

It's Ted Nightingale, your man on the scene.

Well, in what would ordinarily be considered a pastoral quiet setting, we

ourselves outside a house that cloaks within it an unmistakable evil, so

evil, in fact, that no one's ever been able to speak about it.

Yes, here, in what we would think would be a house of higher learning, young

girls would come to this finishing school only to find out that once they

checked in, they would truly be finished forever.

Imagine, fresh -faced, Optimistic, young, nubile girls in the full budding

of womanhood.

They're feeding, pouting breath, reaching outward, hoping for a wonderful

in academia.

Well, we're going to find out now what happened to those young girls.

If you dare step inside the haunting...

of Waffle House with me. Now, to the miracle of modern science, we're going

find out if ghosts really do exist.

So come with me now, if you dare, to enter Waffle House.

Oh, sounds eerie, doesn't it? Let's knock again.

Motherfucker, don't scare me like that.

Cut, cut.

May I help you, sir?

Yes, Ted Nightingale here. Oh, from the television crew.

Welcome to Waffle House.

Have you guys served breakfast?

Never heard that one before, sir. How droll.

Please come in.

Looks kind of like Toadie.

Madam? Well, well.

Not bad, huh?

This is the main hall.

Waffle House.

Where's the main room? I gotta take a leak.

The WC is two doors on your left.

WC?

Water closet.

Oh, that's my waste compartment.

Thank you, madam.

All the weapons you see here were actually used to kill someone during a

Really? What battle?

No battle, just a war.

And we have recreated this entire room down to its most minute detail, just as

it was.

You mean the shag carpet?

Including the shag, the madam was a visionary.

Was she? Everything is as it was that fateful night. No kidding.

All the details.

Funny, I said the same thing, sir.

Wow.

Curtains? The curtains as well.

It was curtains that night, sir.

How many people live here?

Just myself.

Of course, the Baroness Lucretia is here with us.

I wonder if it's possible to meet this bare -ass... The Baroness... The bare

-ass Lucretia.

Lucretia. Lucretia?

Lucretia. In fact, gentlemen and madam, perhaps I'll see if she's lurking about.

Yes, would you please?

Thank you.

Coco has served at four in the drawing room. If you need anything, please.

Just scream.

Thank you, sir. Hugo, appreciate it. Hugo, sir. Yes, all right.

He doesn't need to check on the John. She ain't in there.

Who, Coco?

I'm going to go explore this place.

You don't believe any of this ghost stuff, do you?

There's no ghost here.

Well, as long as we make the audience believe that that's all that matters.

I've got this new program, and I can put in as many ghosts as we need later once

we get back to the studio.

You mean superimpositions? You can fake it? No, just fake it.

Tell Gina there was nothing going on. There was nothing happening.

We've got our own show. We don't need her. She got us in the door.

What are we going to give her all the money for? She's always the boss. She's

always telling us what to do. Yeah, you're right.

I'll tell you what to do.

We'll just play along with her.

Until we get everything in the can, all right? And then we'll give you the old

axe, what do you say?

Sounds good.

You're my man.

Seasons change, don't you ever.

Appreciate it.

Say, did you see that picture over there?

Those funny eyes are kind of following you everywhere you go.

This could be good.

What are you doing, Mike?

Oh, it's a trick effect.

I learned it from a Filipino horror film.

Oh, nice touch, nice touch.

Boy, I wonder who she is.

Could be the Baroness Lucretia.

No, no, no, she's still alive. This is very old. This has got to be a couple

hundred years old, this picture.

Maybe she had a lot of work done.

Maybe.

Well, what do you say we set up and do something? I feel like doing a little

lead -in.

Oh, we set up right over here. This looks good.

All right, good.

There'll be money well spent.

And who are you?

I'm Gina, the producer.

And who are you? Well, you're a ghost, right? Perfect.

Does a ghost kiss like this?

Evidently.

Ooh.

Oh.

Oh.

Ted Nightingale here. We're in the foyer of the Waffle House.

And as you look around the room here, you can almost hear the screams of those

tortured schoolgirls and that terrible, terrible night.

Well, do they exist?

Are they here?

Well, we'll find out soon enough.

By the way, the proceeds of tonight's show are going toward building a lovely

plaque. That's going to have all of those poor girls' names on it. Oh, who

forget them?

There was the blonde one with the long... There's... Well, the

twins. We can never forget the twins.

Release me!

Study free!

Hey, hey!

I'm trying to do a TV show, all right?

Sheesh. See, I'm completely out of the mood now. Let's just cut it, cut it, cut

it.

Good.

Now where are my little culverts?

Oh, yeah.

Ted, take it again.

Set.

What? Shoot, shoot.

Okay, I think I'm ready. I'm ready.

One can never be sure of what is... No, I understand that there are believers in

the supernatural.

Oh, yeah.

I believe.

Good. I'm glad to hear that.

Come in.

And you must have questions about the schoolgirls that were murdered here and

punished beyond belief.

Sometimes the little bitches made me so mad.

But you know, girls will be girls.

And from time to time, they need a good spanking or a good nipple piercing.

Well, that's how I feel. It does the body good.

Excuse me, excuse me.

Do you happen to know who this woman is in the portrait?

Ah, the lovely First Baroness. The most gorgeous and voluptuous woman ever to

walk this planet.

Not bad looking for an old broad, huh?

If I was you, I would watch the words that fall from this calloused mouth.

Okay. Because they may come back to haunt you.

Well, I got your point there. Thank you.

So... What was that?

Where'd she... Where'd that countess chick go?

What was she?

Upstairs. Let's try.

You go first.

Hey, I bet you wish these were x -ray glasses right about now.

What are we

supposed

to be looking at?

We're supposed to be looking for a ghost, hello?

Supposed to use the glasses?

That's why I gave them to you, honey.

Well, I guess I'm game for anything.

You gotta turn them on, too.

Turn them on.

Hey,

I have to talk to you about something.

It's been bothering me.

What is it?

What exactly do you think you're doing looking at my boyfriend and making

comments about him?

Well, I may have looked at him, but I never touched him. He touched me.

Really? Yeah.

And where did he touch you?

Well, like, right here.

Oh, yeah.

So, was it like this?

No. I don't quite like that.

It's hot.

Yeah. I don't know if ghosts can do that.

I hope I'm getting.

I love you.

Oh, yes.

Oh, yes.

Oh, yes. Oh, yes.

Oh, yes.

getting all this on tape? I hope so.

Definitely looks good.

We're in the money now. We're in the money.

Hello, my name is Gina DiCaprio, and I have always wanted to

be a reporter and investigator since I was a little girl. I started out in

radio, but that definitely was not lucrative enough, so I got into

Now I have to deal with these moron men who do not know what they're doing. They

don't know their...

and the elbow.

So I'm just like, come on, you guys, like, whip it into shape. Let's get this

done. I need to make money. We spent so much money doing this. I got to make the

money for this project, okay?

So if they don't get there together, then we are in trouble.

I'm going to go find them right now. Thank you.

Ah, Baroness, shall I compare thee to a summer's day?

Thou art more lovely, more temperate.

More beautiful than the month of May.

Why... Hello, madam.

Are you losing it, Hugo?

No, I was just reminiscing, madam.

Enjoying the painting, I see.

Yes, I was.

Yes, well, I myself am a little sick of looking at it. And I have a castle in

England that's waiting for me to come haunt, but I'm stuck in this fucking

looking at that painting, your face, and these walls. What about these people

are here?

These... These people will take you where you want to go, madam.

Oh, really? And how is that going to happen? Because we're going to free the

ghosts and you'll be able to go to England.

And you can have them out by tomorrow morning?

Yes, it will. I promise. Well, if you don't, there's going to be 14 fucking

ghosts in this house. Do you understand me?

Well, there's only... Oh, yes, madam, I do.

Are you sure you understand me? Yes, madam.

Very well, then, cocksucker.

You carry on with your duties.

It's the first time she's ever called me cocksucker.

Okay.

Sir.

Hugo. Take control.

Sir.

Hugo. Go, go, go.

Waffle House School for Wayward Girls. No boys allowed.

We always wanted to be cheerleaders, but it's too bad we had to die such a

horrible death.

Now we're here stuck.

at this hellhole haunting this school and we really, we really wanted to be

cheerleaders at Notre Dame instead.

So if we ever get out of this hellhole, we're going to Notre Dame.

Where all the boys are.

Oh, there's girls there too now, but girls are just as good. Yeah.

Bye.

Cheers. God, it's time to celebrate. Oh, yeah.

Not only have we proved that ghosts really do exist, but we actually caught

them. Oh, yes, and in other positions as well.

I know firsthand.

Emmy Awards, here I come.

Excuse me, sir.

I don't mean to be a party pooper, but do not take the ghosts too lightly.

They have a formidable presence, both supernatural and erotic. In fact,

overexposure to them will cause a prolonged erection and a long, slow,

painful death.

I like the first part, but the last part really sucks.

God.

Hey, Mikey, how's my favorite cameraman?

Hey, join us.

How'd the ghost look, huh? Really great?

We didn't get him. I looked at the tape, and it was blank.

What?

How can there be nothing on the tape? I saw you with your finger on the whole

thing. Look, I don't know the F -stop.

For an erotic ghost, okay?

I told you they were formidable.

I do not believe this.

This is the story of my life. Every time I come this close to getting a good

deal of... Oh, brother.

Well, we gotta do something.

Wait.

I have... I have a great idea.

Well, let's hear it.

I'm gonna use myself as bait.

Yeah, how are you gonna do that?

You'll see.

Say hello, Hugo.

Yeah, you know, your Baroness, the, uh, Lubricatia... Baroness Lucretia, sir.

Does she mind living in a house that's, uh, inhabited by ghosts?

Living, sir?

She's been dead over 100 years.

Tonight, this very night, she died in a girl -girl orgy with the, uh,

student body.

What student body?

All of them, sir.

It's my only regret.

I wasn't able to keep a closer eye on her.

But it's all here for you, sir.

The history of Waffle House.

Oh.

Thanks, I go.

You go, sir.

My blood runs syrupy.

That's right. It's me, Ted Nightingale.

As you know, I've been in the business, well, just about all my life, ever since

I could wiggle, I was reporting.

Of course, you know, I like to find the hard news, the investigative reports

that, you know, networks don't have the balls to do.

It means you've got to get down, get your fingernails dirty, be willing to

out the real story within the story.

And I like to find myself searching the soft, seamy underbelly of the news

whenever I can.

Of course, people ask, why would you lend your name to shows like West

Survivor or Who wants to be a crack whore? But, you know, I have a feeling

in the future, those shows are going to be right up there with some of the real

greats like, like, well, I can't remember any other ones right now, but

you know what I'm saying.

I'm right here.

Hey.

Did you know that in this very room, two young girls first learned to choose a

sex?

I won't argue with that.

And it was right over there.

But there were no men.

So guess what?

What? We had to improvise.

So enjoy the visual feast.

No problem there. I'm taking it all in.

Use your eyes and look over there.

I don't see anything over there.

You will.

Hey, hey, you missed the spot.

Thank you.

Be careful.

Slippery wind.

My name's Mickey Kaminsky. I'm a cameraman.

I don't like really to be in front of the camera. It kind of makes me

uncomfortable. I've been a filmmaker all my life.

I made my first movie back in 1972.

It was on 8mm.

It was my mom and the mailman in the shower about nine months before my

brother was born.

It changed my life.

And since then I've just been making films. I make a lot of films.

Usually I just take the work that comes one day at a time, one thing after the

next.

But then when Gina approached me with this new ghost project, I got a piece of

the action.

Finally, I'm in for a cut of the big pie.

I just hope I can get these ghosts on camera.

That's what it's all about for me, capturing things on camera.

I'm going to get these ghosts.

I'm going to do it.

Wayward girls of Waffle House were disciplined nightly by the head mister

through Cretia, and they were punished and spanked.

And they loved every minute of it.

Well, girls, I'm starting to think that you enjoy being punished.

How dare you bring gum into the classroom, and then not bring enough for

everyone. So you are going to be punished.

And I'm going to make you do your leg exercises until they fall off.

Do you understand me?

Begin. Begin. Now.

Oh.

I'm Jude.

I used to live here a long time ago.

You used to live here, but what are you still doing here? You're a ghost?

Isn't that what you came here for?

Oh, yeah.

Well, we're stuck here.

There's more than just me.

And we can't leave this place until somebody proves that we really do exist.

I've been trying to catch you on tape, but it doesn't come out.

You can't be recording on my camera. It's driving me crazy.

Well, there's a way.

But I can tell you how.

You're going to have to figure that out for yourself.

Use your imagination at once.

Okay.

Say cheese.

The ghost goggles.

Ted!

I don't know.

I don't know.

I don't want to thank the Academy for giving me this award. I just deserve it.

Well, I deserve it. I deserve it. I deserve it. I want to thank everyone.

Especially the little people.

Except my producer. I hate him.

And that works.

I hate that it works.

I can't stand when that works.

I can't do my show.

You know what it is?

You know what it is? You know what it is?

You know what it is?

You know what it is? You

know what it

is?

Oh, yeah, honey.

Oh my God.

It tastes so good.

No.

Ted! Ted!

Hello, wake up!

What? Oh, what a nightmare I just had, I'll tell you. Well, the dream is about

to start. We are going to be rich.

Oh. I've got this whole thing figured out.

I use the goggles as a ghost weapon for my camera.

Wait, wait, wait, then the camera can pick up the ghosts, really? I put the

goggles in front of the camera lens, roll tape, and we will capture...

It goes on tape. We'll have proof.

And we're going to be rich.

We got it. We got it.

And I'm going to share it all with you. When I win the award, I'm going to go

over, I'm going to thank you first. I'm going to say, thank you, Mikey, for

making me the star I am today.

We've got to find Gina.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, right, right.

Okay, you lead the way.

Come on.

Anything else?

Ted! What? Come on in here. What? Put your glasses on.

What? Put your glasses on.

Holy,

holy.

Hey kids, isn't this the best damn video you've seen this week?

Oh yes.

Oh, yeah.

I'm getting it.

And Gina's getting it, too.

Feeling okay?

Yeah, I'm okay.

Jean, I've got to tell you.

I had doubts about you being a producer on this thing, but I've got to say you

came through with flying colors, kid.

You're going to be a big success in this business. I can see your trophy case

now. There's going to be an Emmy, a Cleo, a Cindy.

I just had them.

You did?

You're such a kidder.

Oh, how are you, Hugo?

Hugo.

It's everything satisfactory, sir.

Was it?

And, madam, did you get all that you desired?

Oh, yeah.

Actually, you know what?

Oh, my goodness. If you would pass it on to me.

Oh, yes, of course, madam. It would be my pleasure.

Oh, look at the time. I'm sure you'll have to go fix the television program.

Oh, that's very lovely. No, no, I'll take care of that. I took the shambles

It's very lovely. It's a lovely party. A couple of towels and everything.

Thank you very much. Good luck with everything.

Excuse me, I'm useless, sir. Don't forget the camera. It's time for you to

home now, lad. All right.

Well, that went very well, don't you think, madam?

It's very well indeed, now that they're gone.

A perfect evening, especially since it's the tenth anniversary of my death.

Ah. Well, you're so translucent, I can see right through you.

Gee, I guess it's time for you to go to England, then. Yes, I must depart,

finally, free of this place.

What am I going to do? Perhaps you need a valet over there.

I can't say that I do, but I have grown quite accustomed to your services.

Well, madam, shall I take you to a pub in the countryside where the pints are

warm and the women are hot?

Let's do it.

Tell you who.

How about I bend over and grab my ankle?

And you see if you can make me cry.

Oh, slightly.

I didn't do nothing. That's why I smugged you. Do something.

How would you like me to make your life a living hell? Hey, what kind of

language is that?

Hey, do it. Come on. A simple job for simple people.

Hey, you swore I'm too big.

Excuse me, do you ever fuck me written on my forehead?

Shut the fuck up!

Bitch, I'll fuck your ass.

Bye.

working in the lab late one night when my eyes beheld an eerie sight for my

monster from his lab began to rise and suddenly to my surprise he did the

mask he did the monster mask the monster mask it was a graveyard smash he did

the mask it caught on in a flash he did the mask He did the monster man.

From my lab to tour in the castle east, to the master bedroom where the vampires

beat. The ghouls all came from their humble abode to get a jolt from my

electrode. They did the monster man.

It was a graveyard smash.

It got on in a flash.

They did the monster man.

The zombies were having fun.

The party had just begun.

The guests included Wolfman, Dracula, and his son.

The scene was rocking over digging the sound.

Igor on chains backed by his baying hound. The coffin bangers were about to

arrive with their vocal group.

the crypt kick her thigh.

They played the match.

They played the monster match. The monster match.

It was a graveyard smash.

They played the match.

It caught on in a flash.

They played the match.

They played the monster match.

Out from his coffin, Rack's voice did ring.

Seemed he was troubled by just one thing.

Opened the lid and shook his fist and said, Whatever happened to my

Transylvanian with?

It's now the match.

It's now the Monster Mash. The Monster Mash.

And it's a graveyard smash. It's now the Mash.

It's pop on and fly.

It's now the Mash.

It's now the Monster Mash.

Now everything's cool, Jack's a part of the band, and my Monster Mash is the hit

of the land.

For you, the living, this mash was meant to, when you get to my door, tell them

Boris sent you. Then you can Mash.

Then you can Monster Mash.

The Monster Mash.

And view my graveyard smash. Then you can mash.

You'll set on an old line.

Then you can mash.

Then you can monster mash.

Monster mash. Monster mash. Monster mash.

Monster mash.

Monster mash. Monster mash. Monster mash. Monster mash. Monster mash.

mash. Monster mash.

Monster mash. Monster mash. Monster mash. Monster mash. Monster mash.

mash. Monster mash. Monster mash. Monster mash. Monster mash. Monster

Monster mash. Monster mash. Monster mash. Monster mash. Monster mash.

mash. Monster mash. Monster mash. Monster mash. Monster mash.

Monster mash. Monster mash.

Monster mash.

Monster mash.

Monster mash. Monster mash. Monster mash. Monster mash. Monster mash.

mash. Monster mash. Monster mash. Monster mash. Monster mash. Monster

Monster mash. Monster mash. Monster mash. Monster mash. Monster mash.

mash. Monster mash. Monster mash. Monster mash. Monster mash. Monster

Monster mash. Monster mash. Monster mash. Monster mash. Monster mash.

mash. Monster mash