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A-OK said Dr. Gratonis, all systems go.
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And as they slowly orbited the rings
of Saturn, Captain Starglider launched
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his heat-seeking
missile into Princess
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Nemo's love target
over, over and over again.
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I can't listen to that!
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Uh-huh.
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Fill me up, Earth Man, she cried.
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But her deafening shrieks
of pleasure went unnoticed.
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Because in space, no
one can hear you scream.
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Pretty great, huh?
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Vernon, I'm not seeing a story here.
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No, no story. No drama.
Just two-dimensional
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characters fucking each other
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all over the solar system.
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Exactly.
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You've got yourself a deal.
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All right. Great.
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Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
Gibby, I think we should discuss this.
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There's nothing to
discuss, Marty. Look under
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the desk. I'm stiffer
than a drain pipe.
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I'm sure you are, and with all due
respect to you and Vernon, I think we
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should put this book...
in the whole pile, for now.
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Very interesting, Marty. And I suppose
if I gave a flying monkeys about your
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opinion, I'd give it some consideration.
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But since I don't, just keep your
mouth shut and pressed firmly to my
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buttocks where it belongs.
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Now I want a synopsis on my desk tomorrow.
Got it?
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Right then.
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Welcome aboard, Vernon.
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So, do you have a title yet?
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Well... I'm thinking something
epic, like "The Empire Sucks Dick."
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Why do I do this? Why do I do it?
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Oh, man.
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What's this for?
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The boys upstairs have
been huddled around
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all day. Something
major's happening.
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I think we're going prime time.
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Hey, congratulations.
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Hey, Eddie. Great show.
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Thank you.
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Could we pow wow for a minute?
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Sure.
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Oh. Excuse me. I'll just...
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Oh, no, no, no. We'll see. Bob, you
remember Martin Tepper? From my agency.
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Sure. We met at the Nat P convention.
Or was it MIPCOM?
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The second one, the MIPCOM.
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Right. Right.
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Well, now, Ed, we've
been... Excuse me.
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Hello. Oh, hi, honey.
It's my wife. It'll just be a second.
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00:04:14,000 --> 00:04:16,000
Jeanette, can I call you back?
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00:04:16,003 --> 00:04:18,000
Okay, okay. Yeah.
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00:04:18,003 --> 00:04:19,783
Anyway, Martin,
we have been giving
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00:04:19,795 --> 00:04:22,000
a lot of thought to
the future of the show.
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That's great. That's great. And
shouldn't we... Wait for Eddie?
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Look, Jeanette, I can't talk right now.
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00:04:28,003 --> 00:04:29,000
Yeah. Yeah.
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I'm kind of in a meeting.
Of course I care about your feelings.
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00:04:33,003 --> 00:04:39,000
Well, I can just run this by you.
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See, we would like to take
the show a little deeper.
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00:04:43,000 --> 00:04:47,000
Give it a new spin.
A new format, if you will.
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A new format? No kidding.
Eddie, we're talking new formats here.
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00:04:51,003 --> 00:04:54,000
Jeanette, they're talking new formats here.
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Okay. Okay. Maybe format wasn't
the right word. Actually, we've decided to
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go with another host.
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00:05:00,003 --> 00:05:03,000
Oh, two hosts. Eddie and a co-host.
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00:05:03,003 --> 00:05:08,000
No. Just the co-host.
The co-host is the only host.
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00:05:08,003 --> 00:05:10,000
Where's Eddie?
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Eddie's out.
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00:05:11,003 --> 00:05:12,000
Jeanette?
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I'm hanging up the phone.
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No. Yes. I'm hanging... Jeanette?
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Bye.
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00:05:19,003 --> 00:05:23,000
So, what's the good word?
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00:05:23,003 --> 00:05:28,000
Well, Eddie, we have been giving
the future of the show a lot of thought.
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00:05:28,003 --> 00:05:31,000
And we'd like to take it a little deeper.
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00:05:31,003 --> 00:05:33,000
Stop jerking them around, will you?
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Eddie, you're out. You're out, okay?
They're going with another host.
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Well, that just about sums it up.
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But you can't do that. It's my show.
The Eddie Charles show.
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I mean, without Eddie Charles,
the title makes no sense.
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00:05:51,003 --> 00:05:54,000
Good point. We must address that.
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I gave you people
five fucking years of my
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life. My blood is out
there on that stage.
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Oh, don't think that we don't
appreciate it. That is why we are going to
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00:06:04,003 --> 00:06:06,000
give you this.
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00:06:08,000 --> 00:06:11,000
Well, Martin, I've got to run.
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00:06:11,003 --> 00:06:15,000
Oh, Eddie, what can I say?
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00:06:15,003 --> 00:06:19,000
We wish you luck in whatever
it is you're going to do.
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00:06:19,003 --> 00:06:23,000
You haven't heard the last of us.
Nobody treats Eddie Charles like this.
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00:06:23,003 --> 00:06:25,000
This man is a major star.
And you're going to regret this.
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00:06:25,003 --> 00:06:28,000
Our foot soldiers are going to be
marching up and down Broadway.
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00:06:28,003 --> 00:06:29,000
Shut up, Martin.
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00:06:29,003 --> 00:06:36,000
It's no good to make friends.
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00:06:36,003 --> 00:06:40,000
Because when a friend gets
it, it's... Well, it's rough on you.
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00:06:40,003 --> 00:06:50,000
Those assholes.
How can they save my shows not deep?
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00:06:50,003 --> 00:06:53,000
That piece on the hookers in
the recession, that was deep.
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00:06:53,003 --> 00:06:55,000
Of course it was.
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00:06:55,003 --> 00:06:58,000
Oh, and what about... What the hell?
99
00:06:58,003 --> 00:07:02,000
Hey! Hey, what the hell happened here?
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00:07:02,003 --> 00:07:04,000
Anything missing?
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Huh?
102
00:07:05,003 --> 00:07:07,000
No. It's just all wrinkled.
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00:07:07,003 --> 00:07:11,000
Oh, great. First I lose my show.
Now my clothes are all messed up.
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00:07:11,003 --> 00:07:12,000
I'm going to kill that maid.
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00:07:12,003 --> 00:07:15,000
Eddie, it's a note from Jeanette.
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00:07:15,003 --> 00:07:21,000
Dear Eddie, I can't dive with you anymore.
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00:07:21,003 --> 00:07:22,000
What?
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00:07:22,003 --> 00:07:25,000
I think it says "live."
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I can't live with you
anymore. I want a... A divorce.
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Get down!
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00:07:34,000 --> 00:07:37,000
I can't believe this!
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I knew you guys were having problems.
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Of all night, she has to
pick the night I lose my show.
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Can you read this?
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What's this word?
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You are the most
shallow, self-centered,
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00:07:48,856 --> 00:07:53,000
immature, and shallow
person I've ever met.
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00:07:53,003 --> 00:07:55,000
All right, you said "shallow" twice.
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I didn't say anything. I'm just reading.
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It is totally odorous.
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00:08:02,003 --> 00:08:03,000
Obvious.
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00:08:03,003 --> 00:08:07,000
Obvious that you care more about
some idiotic television show than me or
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00:08:07,003 --> 00:08:08,000
this marriage.
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Bullshit!
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00:08:09,003 --> 00:08:11,000
First of all, my show is not idiotic.
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Second of all, I've never
put it in front of our marriage.
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00:08:14,003 --> 00:08:16,000
Well, you did cancel the honeymoon.
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00:08:16,003 --> 00:08:19,000
I forgot. It was sweets week.
What was I supposed to do? Show reruns?
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00:08:19,003 --> 00:08:20,508
And you missed your
mother's funeral to
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00:08:20,520 --> 00:08:22,000
go to the Daytime
Emmy Awards, right ?
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I was nominated.
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00:08:23,003 --> 00:08:25,000
Jay, whose side are you on here?
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00:08:25,003 --> 00:08:26,000
I'm just saying.
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00:08:26,003 --> 00:08:30,000
Look, Eddie, maybe it's not too late.
You know what I mean? Maybe you can
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still talk to her.
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00:08:31,003 --> 00:08:33,000
Oh, man. It's over.
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00:08:33,003 --> 00:08:39,000
You know, at first, when we used to
fight, we would make up and we'd have
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00:08:39,003 --> 00:08:41,000
this really great sex.
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00:08:41,003 --> 00:08:44,000
Then after a while,
the sex wasn't so great.
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00:08:44,003 --> 00:08:48,000
And then, I don't know,
we just stopped making up.
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00:08:48,003 --> 00:08:58,000
I'm really sorry, you know? I mean,
if there's anything I can do to help,
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you know, I'm here for you.
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00:09:00,003 --> 00:09:01,000
Oh, man.
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00:09:01,003 --> 00:09:02,000
What am I gonna do tomorrow?
145
00:09:02,003 --> 00:09:04,877
Eddie, I mean, I'm
gonna wake up. I got
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00:09:04,889 --> 00:09:08,000
no wife. I got no job.
What am I gonna do?
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00:09:08,003 --> 00:09:10,000
You do have quite a bit of ironing.
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00:09:10,003 --> 00:09:20,000
No, Vernon, no. That title is unacceptable.
I am not publishing a book
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called "A Game From Uranus."
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00:09:22,003 --> 00:09:26,000
You're right. Too intellectual.
I'll think of something else. Thank you.
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00:09:26,003 --> 00:09:27,000
See you, Marty.
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00:09:27,003 --> 00:09:29,000
Hey, sweetheart. Going down.
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00:09:47,003 --> 00:09:50,000
Fine. Fine. Why don't I just do it myself?
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I look like a Yahtzee.
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00:10:08,003 --> 00:10:11,000
What do you mean, go away?
I got a basketball here.
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00:10:11,003 --> 00:10:15,000
Marty, please, just go away.
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00:10:15,003 --> 00:10:19,000
Come on, Eddie. You can't just
mope around by yourself all day.
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00:10:19,003 --> 00:10:22,000
Eddie, it's not good for you, you know?
You gotta go out and do stuff, you
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00:10:22,003 --> 00:10:24,000
know, and hang out with your friends.
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00:10:24,003 --> 00:10:26,000
Take your mind off things.
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00:10:26,003 --> 00:10:29,000
Kelly, I'm sorry about this.
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00:10:29,003 --> 00:10:32,000
It's okay. I gotta help take
out a gallbladder at three.
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00:10:32,003 --> 00:10:37,000
Life goes on, buddy, you know?
I mean, you gotta get back on that horse.
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00:10:37,003 --> 00:10:40,000
I'll call you. Hi.
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00:10:40,003 --> 00:10:41,000
No.
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00:10:43,003 --> 00:10:47,000
Sorry. I didn't know you had company.
167
00:10:47,003 --> 00:10:49,000
No, that's okay. Come on in.
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00:10:49,003 --> 00:10:52,000
Well, I'm glad to see
you're feeling better.
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00:10:52,003 --> 00:10:55,000
Shh. I'm not. Man.
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00:10:55,003 --> 00:10:57,000
So that was right.
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00:10:57,003 --> 00:10:58,000
I am shallow.
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00:10:58,003 --> 00:11:02,000
No, I mean it. When other people get
depressed, they write poetry or cut off
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00:11:02,003 --> 00:11:03,000
their ears.
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00:11:03,003 --> 00:11:06,000
What do I do? I have sex.
Empty, meaningless sex.
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00:11:06,003 --> 00:11:09,000
Well, there are worse ways
of dealing with depression.
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00:11:09,003 --> 00:11:12,000
It's pathetic. Take a look at me.
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00:11:12,003 --> 00:11:13,000
Come on.
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00:11:13,003 --> 00:11:17,000
No, take a long, hard look at me.
I mean, beneath the handsome exterior and
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00:11:17,003 --> 00:11:19,000
expensive clothes, what do you see?
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00:11:19,003 --> 00:11:21,000
No. Tell me, what do you really see?
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00:11:22,000 --> 00:11:30,000
Well, I see... A lot. You
know, there's a lot of stuff there.
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00:11:30,003 --> 00:11:32,000
There's nothing there. Admit it.
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00:11:32,003 --> 00:11:36,000
That's not true. Come on, Eddie.
Let's go shoot some oops.
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00:11:36,003 --> 00:11:38,000
Well, you mean you've been
in this apartment too long.
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00:11:38,003 --> 00:11:40,000
Nah, man. I don't think so.
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00:11:40,003 --> 00:11:48,000
We're hooked up together, Eddie.
You getting the jam? I get the jam.
187
00:11:48,003 --> 00:11:51,000
Eddie, don't be so hard
on yourself, you know.
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00:11:51,003 --> 00:11:53,000
I mean, you haven't
always been this shallow.
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00:11:53,003 --> 00:11:56,000
Just for like the last 10 or 12 years.
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00:11:56,003 --> 00:12:01,000
Martin, I'm 39 years old. I have no job.
I'm incapable of having a
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00:12:01,003 --> 00:12:03,000
meaningful relationship.
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00:12:03,003 --> 00:12:06,000
I can't even open a fucking bottle.
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00:12:06,003 --> 00:12:08,000
It's not a twist-off.
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00:12:08,003 --> 00:12:11,000
I can't even read anymore. My life is over.
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00:12:14,000 --> 00:12:18,000
Save him! Please!
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00:12:18,003 --> 00:12:21,000
You know what? You're right.
You're right. Your life is over.
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00:12:21,003 --> 00:12:23,000
And is that such a bad thing?
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00:12:23,003 --> 00:12:26,000
You've got a clean slate now.
You can do anything you want.
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00:12:26,003 --> 00:12:27,783
Like what? Take
tennis lessons. You
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00:12:27,795 --> 00:12:30,000
know, we're learning
other language, or ...
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00:12:30,003 --> 00:12:35,000
I don't know. Start a magazine.
You always talked about that, right?
202
00:12:35,003 --> 00:12:37,000
I mean, come on, how cool would that be?
203
00:12:37,003 --> 00:12:41,000
Eddie Charles' pizzazz.
On sale at newsstands everywhere.
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00:12:41,003 --> 00:12:43,000
Your name alone would
sell a million copies.
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00:12:43,003 --> 00:12:45,608
Think about it. It could
be real journalism,
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00:12:45,620 --> 00:12:48,000
you know, with some
depth and substance.
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00:12:48,003 --> 00:12:49,000
I don't know.
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00:12:49,003 --> 00:12:51,000
Eddie, you could be your own boss.
You wouldn't have to deal with any
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00:12:51,003 --> 00:12:52,000
asshole executives, you know.
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00:12:52,003 --> 00:12:55,000
Keep your mouth shut and press
"family" to my buttocks where it belongs.
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00:12:55,003 --> 00:12:58,000
A ridiculous, idiotic guess.
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00:12:58,003 --> 00:13:00,000
Fill me up, Earthman!
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00:13:00,003 --> 00:13:02,000
And I could help you.
214
00:13:02,003 --> 00:13:06,000
Eddie, we could do it together. You
know, I know the writers, and you've got
215
00:13:06,003 --> 00:13:07,000
your contacts.
216
00:13:07,003 --> 00:13:09,000
Martin, I think you
should just forget about it.
217
00:13:09,003 --> 00:13:11,000
What, are you afraid?
218
00:13:12,000 --> 00:13:15,000
Well, I don't want to start a magazine.
It's too scary.
219
00:13:15,003 --> 00:13:17,551
I just want to stay
inside and feel sorry
220
00:13:17,563 --> 00:13:20,000
for myself and try
to open this bottle.
221
00:13:20,003 --> 00:13:22,000
Shut the fuck up.
222
00:13:22,003 --> 00:13:24,000
What?
223
00:13:24,003 --> 00:13:28,000
Although it would be pretty cool.
224
00:13:28,003 --> 00:13:31,000
It would be very cool, man.
Come on, me and you working together.
225
00:13:31,003 --> 00:13:34,000
What the fuck? Let's do it!
226
00:13:34,003 --> 00:13:41,000
I don't care where I'm going
just as long as I'm with you.
227
00:13:41,003 --> 00:13:45,000
Put it there, pal. Put it there.
228
00:13:45,003 --> 00:13:50,000
You know, I saw, let's face
it, yes, and I saw Dixie too.
229
00:13:50,003 --> 00:13:54,000
Put it there, pal. Put it there.
230
00:13:54,003 --> 00:13:59,000
Your face could make a fortune,
just your nose should make a lot.
231
00:13:59,003 --> 00:14:04,000
I like the way you wear those
gaudy colored shirts you got.
232
00:14:04,003 --> 00:14:08,000
The only time a rainbow
ever covered up a pot.
233
00:14:08,003 --> 00:14:12,000
We make a perfect pair. Put it there.
234
00:14:12,003 --> 00:14:16,000
My colleague, my colonist, my cohort,
my friend, companions, confederates,
235
00:14:16,003 --> 00:14:20,000
chums to the end, like meat
and potatoes or salt and tomatoes.
236
00:14:20,003 --> 00:14:24,000
Boy, what a plan.
Don't put it in the paper.
237
00:14:24,003 --> 00:14:30,000
Don't put it on the air.
Don't put it on the shelf. Put it there.
238
00:14:31,000 --> 00:14:35,000
Well, boys, I still don't see why the
American beef board would want to
239
00:14:35,003 --> 00:14:38,000
advertise in your magazine.
240
00:14:38,003 --> 00:14:40,428
Well, Mr. Herman,
now, speaking as a big
241
00:14:40,440 --> 00:14:43,000
beef eater and editor
as a big beef guy...
242
00:14:43,003 --> 00:14:46,000
Stakes? Every day.
243
00:14:46,003 --> 00:14:47,642
We feel that our unique
mix of cutting-edge
244
00:14:47,654 --> 00:14:49,000
fiction and
hard-hitting journalism
245
00:14:49,003 --> 00:14:53,000
and really in-depth celebrity profiles
will appeal to just about everybody.
246
00:14:53,003 --> 00:14:55,000
Well, that's all well and good.
247
00:14:55,003 --> 00:15:00,000
But what's beef about it?
248
00:15:00,003 --> 00:15:05,000
Well, for example, we've already booked
an interview with Sigourney Weaver,
249
00:15:05,003 --> 00:15:09,000
who we all know is very big
in the beef-eating community.
250
00:15:09,003 --> 00:15:12,000
And we'll also be going after a very
beefy story by Pulitzer Prize-winning
251
00:15:12,003 --> 00:15:13,000
author John Updike.
252
00:15:13,003 --> 00:15:16,000
Is the story about beef?
253
00:15:16,003 --> 00:15:21,000
Well, when you get right
down to it, isn't everything.
254
00:15:21,003 --> 00:15:26,000
The human meatball, boys.
255
00:15:26,003 --> 00:15:29,000
I like it.
256
00:15:29,003 --> 00:15:40,000
Ready to kick some ass?
257
00:15:40,003 --> 00:15:42,000
Oh, yeah.
258
00:15:42,003 --> 00:15:45,000
Shit.
259
00:15:45,003 --> 00:15:48,000
I left the proposals at the office.
God damn it.
260
00:15:51,003 --> 00:15:53,000
Martin Tuppers' office?
261
00:15:53,003 --> 00:15:57,000
I told you it's me. Look, on my
desk... Where the hell are you?
262
00:15:57,003 --> 00:16:00,000
Vernon's book was supposed
to go to typesetting yesterday.
263
00:16:00,003 --> 00:16:02,000
Fine, fine. Send it down for me.
264
00:16:02,003 --> 00:16:05,000
Look, I need the proposals. It's the
stack next to the stack with the paper
265
00:16:05,003 --> 00:16:05,000
weight on it.
266
00:16:05,003 --> 00:16:07,000
Send it over to Suzanne
at Time 1 on a super rush.
267
00:16:07,003 --> 00:16:09,000
Morning, Turby.
268
00:16:09,003 --> 00:16:10,000
Mr. Fisk.
269
00:16:10,003 --> 00:16:11,000
Where the hell is Marty?
270
00:16:11,003 --> 00:16:12,000
Shit.
271
00:16:12,003 --> 00:16:14,000
Oh, just... Tell him sick.
272
00:16:14,003 --> 00:16:15,000
He's sick.
273
00:16:15,003 --> 00:16:16,000
Again?
274
00:16:16,003 --> 00:16:18,000
Well, make something up.
275
00:16:18,003 --> 00:16:21,000
He was tying his shoe
and he fell out the window.
276
00:16:21,003 --> 00:16:23,000
Turby, I'd be dead.
277
00:16:23,003 --> 00:16:24,811
But then fortunately,
he landed on a
278
00:16:24,823 --> 00:16:27,000
cart of tomatoes, which
cushioned the blow.
279
00:16:27,003 --> 00:16:30,000
But then it started to roll
toward a busy intersection.
280
00:16:30,003 --> 00:16:32,000
Will you stop?
281
00:16:32,003 --> 00:16:35,000
But then stop. So he'll be here tomorrow.
282
00:16:35,003 --> 00:16:38,000
Very well.
283
00:16:38,003 --> 00:16:42,000
Rosa.
284
00:16:42,003 --> 00:16:46,000
Rosa.
285
00:16:46,003 --> 00:16:50,000
Like meat and potatoes
or salt and tomatoes.
286
00:16:50,003 --> 00:16:51,000
But what a friend.
287
00:16:51,003 --> 00:16:53,000
Don't put it in the paper.
288
00:16:53,003 --> 00:16:55,000
Don't put it on the air.
289
00:16:55,003 --> 00:16:57,000
Don't put it on the shelf.
290
00:16:57,003 --> 00:17:00,000
Put it there.
291
00:17:00,003 --> 00:17:02,000
Uh-huh. Well, all right.
292
00:17:02,003 --> 00:17:05,000
Thank you.
293
00:17:05,003 --> 00:17:07,000
You ready for this?
294
00:17:07,003 --> 00:17:09,000
That was Suzanne at Time Warner.
295
00:17:09,003 --> 00:17:12,000
They're very interested.
296
00:17:12,003 --> 00:17:14,000
Oh, my God.
297
00:17:14,003 --> 00:17:17,000
This thing's actually going to happen.
298
00:17:17,003 --> 00:17:18,000
Yahoo!
299
00:17:18,003 --> 00:17:20,000
Yeah!
300
00:17:20,003 --> 00:17:24,000
Sorry to interrupt the festivities,
but Gibby called ten minutes ago.
301
00:17:24,003 --> 00:17:25,000
Yeah, well, what did he say?
302
00:17:25,003 --> 00:17:27,000
He said he'll be in your
office in ten minutes.
303
00:17:27,003 --> 00:17:29,000
And you're just telling me now?
304
00:17:29,003 --> 00:17:32,000
Well, if I told you after
he got here, it'd be too late.
305
00:17:32,003 --> 00:17:34,000
I made it.
306
00:17:34,003 --> 00:17:35,000
Go, go, go, go.
307
00:17:35,003 --> 00:17:37,000
I'll call you later, all right? Go!
308
00:17:54,003 --> 00:17:58,000
Three, two, a-three, a-four.
309
00:17:58,003 --> 00:18:02,000
G'night, Abby, my little pom-de-tare.
310
00:18:02,003 --> 00:18:04,000
Marty.
311
00:18:04,003 --> 00:18:05,000
Hello, Gibby.
312
00:18:05,003 --> 00:18:07,000
Just skimming through your space book here.
313
00:18:07,003 --> 00:18:08,000
And?
314
00:18:08,003 --> 00:18:10,000
Made the little hairs on
my pouch stand on end.
315
00:18:10,003 --> 00:18:13,000
Well, then, I've done my job.
316
00:18:13,003 --> 00:18:14,000
Yes.
317
00:18:14,003 --> 00:18:17,000
I must say that you lost
me for a sketch here.
318
00:18:17,003 --> 00:18:20,000
During the fuck scene in Chapter 7
when the Princess interrupts her moaning
319
00:18:20,003 --> 00:18:24,000
to launch into a lengthy proposal for
some bold new magazine for the '90s.
320
00:18:24,003 --> 00:18:28,000
Seems a bit anticlimactic,
wouldn't you say?
321
00:18:28,003 --> 00:18:31,000
Well, I, uh... Never
figured I'd get caught.
322
00:18:31,003 --> 00:18:34,000
I think we can just cut that
part out, if you don't like it.
323
00:18:34,003 --> 00:18:37,000
In fact, I agree.
I think it reads much better.
324
00:18:37,003 --> 00:18:39,000
Hey, quit pulling my pony, Marty.
325
00:18:39,003 --> 00:18:42,000
I think I'm some sort of a fuckwit.
326
00:18:42,003 --> 00:18:44,000
I'm not sure what you mean.
327
00:18:44,003 --> 00:18:47,000
Oh, I'll paint you a little picture then.
328
00:18:47,003 --> 00:18:51,000
The minute you step foot into
this office, you become my property.
329
00:18:51,003 --> 00:18:56,000
I own you, much as I own this desk
or, uh, all these blackbinder things.
330
00:18:56,003 --> 00:19:01,000
Now, if one of these blackbinder
things, you decide to work on a magazine
331
00:19:01,003 --> 00:19:03,000
rather than holding papers
together like it's supposed to,
332
00:19:03,003 --> 00:19:06,000
well, I would just throw it in the garbage.
333
00:19:06,003 --> 00:19:07,000
Like so.
334
00:19:07,003 --> 00:19:09,000
You follow me, Marty?
335
00:19:11,003 --> 00:19:12,000
All right, all right.
336
00:19:12,003 --> 00:19:16,000
I admit I've been a little
distracted lately, but... but nothing.
337
00:19:16,003 --> 00:19:18,000
Now, here's your choice.
338
00:19:18,003 --> 00:19:23,000
My books or, uh, your little rag sheet.
339
00:19:23,003 --> 00:19:25,000
But not both.
340
00:19:25,003 --> 00:19:29,000
Now, as my dear old mum used to say,
you can't suck your thumb and your dick
341
00:19:29,003 --> 00:19:30,000
at the same time.
342
00:19:30,003 --> 00:19:33,000
Well, it isn't easy,
but it's a beautiful idea.
343
00:19:33,003 --> 00:19:35,000
How about this, Gibby?
344
00:19:35,003 --> 00:19:38,000
We could work out some
kind of a part-time thing.
345
00:19:38,003 --> 00:19:39,000
Yeah.
346
00:19:39,003 --> 00:19:42,000
This would make a
fine executive laboratory.
347
00:19:42,003 --> 00:19:43,000
Okay, okay.
348
00:19:43,003 --> 00:19:46,000
Forget part-time, and I'll, uh, I'll just
come in early four days a week and
349
00:19:46,003 --> 00:19:47,000
take Fridays off.
350
00:19:47,003 --> 00:19:51,000
I think I'll put the toilet right here.
351
00:19:51,003 --> 00:19:52,000
Oh, yeah.
352
00:19:52,003 --> 00:19:54,000
Yeah, I like this very much.
353
00:19:54,003 --> 00:19:55,000
Okay.
354
00:19:55,003 --> 00:19:56,000
Fine.
355
00:19:56,003 --> 00:19:58,000
That's the way you want it.
356
00:19:58,003 --> 00:19:59,916
If you want me to
choose between working
357
00:19:59,928 --> 00:20:02,000
in this toilet and
something of some value,
358
00:20:02,003 --> 00:20:04,000
something that I actually
care about, then fine.
359
00:20:04,003 --> 00:20:06,000
I'm going with the magazine, Gibby.
360
00:20:06,003 --> 00:20:12,000
Oh, Marty.
361
00:20:12,003 --> 00:20:16,000
How would you feel about, uh, having
a Peruvian fellow over in the corner
362
00:20:16,003 --> 00:20:18,000
there with hot towels
and those little sprays?
363
00:20:18,003 --> 00:20:20,000
Shove it up your ass, Gibby.
364
00:20:39,003 --> 00:20:41,000
Hey, bud. Open up.
365
00:20:41,003 --> 00:20:43,000
Hey, partner.
366
00:20:43,003 --> 00:20:44,000
Hey.
367
00:20:44,003 --> 00:20:45,000
Hello.
368
00:20:45,003 --> 00:20:46,000
What's this?
369
00:20:46,003 --> 00:20:47,941
I just wanted to thank
you for getting me
370
00:20:47,953 --> 00:20:50,000
through the past couple
of weeks, you know.
371
00:20:50,003 --> 00:20:53,000
Hurry, boys.
I may have to pose for a statue.
372
00:20:53,003 --> 00:20:56,000
Hey, what is for two quarts of beer?
373
00:20:56,003 --> 00:20:58,000
It's the only thing they
had cold at the store.
374
00:20:58,003 --> 00:21:00,000
Come on, man. I want to make a toast.
375
00:21:00,003 --> 00:21:03,000
To, uh, 31 years of friendship.
376
00:21:03,003 --> 00:21:05,000
You know, for a while there,
I thought I lost everything,
377
00:21:05,003 --> 00:21:08,000
but you made me realize
what's really important.
378
00:21:08,003 --> 00:21:09,000
Women will come and go.
379
00:21:09,003 --> 00:21:13,000
Jobs will come and go, but
you and me, man, that's forever.
380
00:21:13,003 --> 00:21:18,000
And to our magazine, which is
going to change our lives forever.
381
00:21:19,003 --> 00:21:22,000
Well, actually, man, I don't
think I'll be doing the magazine.
382
00:21:28,003 --> 00:21:30,000
What do you mean?
383
00:21:30,003 --> 00:21:35,000
Well, you're looking at the new
host of the Home Sweet Home Show.
384
00:21:35,003 --> 00:21:38,000
I don't give a shit who I'm looking at.
385
00:21:38,003 --> 00:21:40,000
I just quit my job today.
386
00:21:40,003 --> 00:21:41,000
Why'd you do that?
387
00:21:41,003 --> 00:21:43,000
Because I thought I could count on you.
388
00:21:43,003 --> 00:21:46,000
Because of 31 years of
friendship, you douchebag.
389
00:21:46,003 --> 00:21:48,000
How could you do this to me?
390
00:21:48,003 --> 00:21:51,000
Martin, it's a network show.
Two hours a day.
391
00:21:51,003 --> 00:21:53,000
Man, you would have done the same thing.
392
00:21:53,003 --> 00:21:55,000
Perhaps you're not hearing me correctly.
393
00:21:55,003 --> 00:21:58,000
I just quit my fucking job.
394
00:21:58,003 --> 00:22:00,000
Well, you can still do the magazine.
395
00:22:00,003 --> 00:22:03,000
No, I can't.
Without you, there is no magazine.
396
00:22:03,003 --> 00:22:05,000
Who's going to read
Martin Tupper's pizzazz?
397
00:22:05,003 --> 00:22:07,000
Certainly not me.
398
00:22:07,003 --> 00:22:09,000
Look, man, I'm sorry.
399
00:22:09,003 --> 00:22:12,000
If there's anything I can
do for you, just say the word.
400
00:22:15,003 --> 00:22:19,000
Get out of here before
I fucking strangle you.
401
00:22:19,003 --> 00:22:21,000
Come on, man. Friends don't do that shit.
402
00:22:25,003 --> 00:22:27,000
You're overreacting.
403
00:22:27,003 --> 00:22:29,000
Hey!
404
00:22:29,003 --> 00:22:31,000
I'm sensing a little hostility here.
405
00:22:35,003 --> 00:22:37,000
Get out of here. Come on, man.
406
00:22:38,000 --> 00:22:41,000
You know, I thought you'd be happy for me.
407
00:22:46,003 --> 00:23:00,000
It should be your little cubbyhole here.
408
00:23:00,003 --> 00:23:02,000
Marty, my, my.
409
00:23:02,003 --> 00:23:04,000
What the bloody stump are you doing here?
410
00:23:04,003 --> 00:23:05,000
What do you mean?
411
00:23:05,003 --> 00:23:07,000
Well, you quit on Friday.
412
00:23:07,003 --> 00:23:08,000
Or have you forgotten?
413
00:23:08,003 --> 00:23:09,000
Friday?
414
00:23:09,003 --> 00:23:10,000
Friday.
415
00:23:10,003 --> 00:23:11,000
Friday.
416
00:23:11,003 --> 00:23:14,000
Don't you remember our little chat?
417
00:23:14,003 --> 00:23:17,000
You quit to work on a magazine
with that black friend of yours.
418
00:23:17,003 --> 00:23:18,000
Quit?
419
00:23:18,003 --> 00:23:21,000
Kipi, I certainly would
have remembered if I'd quit.
420
00:23:21,003 --> 00:23:24,000
I think Carter mentioned
something about quitting.
421
00:23:24,003 --> 00:23:27,000
Ah, now, come on, Marty.
You're whittling my twig, right?
422
00:23:27,003 --> 00:23:29,000
Kipi.
423
00:23:29,003 --> 00:23:30,911
Would I be stupid
enough to give up a
424
00:23:30,923 --> 00:23:33,000
job like this to work
on some magazine ?
425
00:23:33,003 --> 00:23:35,000
No. No.
426
00:23:35,003 --> 00:23:36,000
I suppose you would.
427
00:23:36,003 --> 00:23:38,000
Huh? Well, hey, my mistake.
428
00:23:38,003 --> 00:23:40,000
Eh. Eh. Eh.
429
00:23:40,003 --> 00:23:41,000
Back to the mail room for you.
430
00:23:41,003 --> 00:23:42,000
Hard luck, lad.
431
00:23:42,003 --> 00:23:44,000
Aw.
432
00:23:44,003 --> 00:23:49,000
And Marty, the next time you
tell me to shove it up my ass,
433
00:23:49,003 --> 00:23:51,000
I'm gonna send you up there to get it.
434
00:23:57,003 --> 00:24:05,000
Well, that's it for today.
435
00:24:05,003 --> 00:24:07,000
We've had a terrific show.
436
00:24:07,003 --> 00:24:11,000
Special thanks to our guests,
General William Westmoreland,
437
00:24:11,003 --> 00:24:14,000
for his delicious
boysenberry cupcake recipe.
438
00:24:14,003 --> 00:24:15,000
Yum, yum.
439
00:24:15,003 --> 00:24:17,000
Yum, yum is right.
They're really delicious.
440
00:24:17,003 --> 00:24:21,000
And to Steven Seagal for his
fascinating collection of toys
441
00:24:21,003 --> 00:24:23,000
that you two can make at home.
442
00:24:23,003 --> 00:24:24,000
I'm Eddie Charles.
443
00:24:24,003 --> 00:24:26,989
And I'm Kristy Springer,
reminding you...
444
00:24:27,003 --> 00:24:30,000
You're always welcome
at Home Sweet Home.
445
00:24:30,003 --> 00:24:33,000
Get over there. I'm gonna throw up.
446
00:24:33,003 --> 00:24:34,000
Where?
447
00:24:34,003 --> 00:24:39,000
No. No. I told you before, Kevin.
448
00:24:39,003 --> 00:24:41,000
I don't care what disease
this fucking kid has.
449
00:24:41,003 --> 00:24:43,000
I don't do autographs.
450
00:24:43,003 --> 00:24:45,000
Hey, bud. I didn't think you were coming.
451
00:24:45,003 --> 00:24:47,000
So, uh, what'd you think of the show?
452
00:24:47,003 --> 00:24:52,000
The only reason I'm here is
because you owe me money.
453
00:24:52,003 --> 00:24:53,000
MCI Federal Express.
454
00:24:53,003 --> 00:24:55,000
What? You're still mad at me?
455
00:24:55,003 --> 00:24:57,000
The total is $308.61.
456
00:24:57,003 --> 00:24:58,000
Now write me a check.
457
00:24:58,003 --> 00:25:01,000
Look, man, I'm sorry. I have no excuse.
458
00:25:01,003 --> 00:25:02,000
I let you down.
459
00:25:02,003 --> 00:25:04,000
Well, at least it was for a good reason.
460
00:25:04,003 --> 00:25:05,339
Those are some
of the most in-depth,
461
00:25:05,351 --> 00:25:07,000
hard-hitting household
hens I've ever heard.
462
00:25:07,003 --> 00:25:09,000
You really think so?
463
00:25:09,003 --> 00:25:13,000
All right, all right.
I'm shallow. I admit it, okay?
464
00:25:13,003 --> 00:25:15,000
You're deep and I'm shallow.
465
00:25:15,003 --> 00:25:19,000
But... But aren't those just
different ends of the same pool?
466
00:25:19,003 --> 00:25:20,000
What?
467
00:25:20,003 --> 00:25:21,000
Pool.
468
00:25:21,003 --> 00:25:22,000
Pool.
469
00:25:22,003 --> 00:25:24,000
What is that? That means nothing.
470
00:25:24,003 --> 00:25:25,000
Coming through.
471
00:25:25,003 --> 00:25:30,000
Look, man, I don't know why I did it.
472
00:25:30,003 --> 00:25:34,000
Maybe it was a sack of
money they threw at me.
473
00:25:34,003 --> 00:25:37,000
Or, you know, I was afraid to fail.
474
00:25:37,003 --> 00:25:39,000
I don't know.
475
00:25:39,003 --> 00:25:41,000
Maybe I'm just an asshole.
476
00:25:41,003 --> 00:25:44,000
No hard feelings? No hard feelings?
477
00:25:44,003 --> 00:25:46,000
No, no. You know what?
478
00:25:46,003 --> 00:25:47,000
I'm the asshole.
479
00:25:47,003 --> 00:25:49,000
Because I'm going to forgive you.
480
00:25:49,003 --> 00:25:50,000
Again.
481
00:25:50,003 --> 00:25:51,000
I don't know why.
482
00:25:51,003 --> 00:25:53,000
Why do I always do this?
483
00:25:53,003 --> 00:25:55,000
Because I'm your best friend?
484
00:25:55,003 --> 00:25:58,000
No, no, because I'm too lazy to
go out and get a better best friend.
485
00:25:58,003 --> 00:26:01,000
You know, I've been meaning
to do it for the last 31 years.
486
00:26:01,003 --> 00:26:03,000
I've just never gotten around to it.
487
00:26:03,003 --> 00:26:04,000
Oh, very nice.
488
00:26:04,003 --> 00:26:07,000
You know, if I had any
feelings, that would really hurt.
489
00:26:07,003 --> 00:26:09,000
Since you have no feelings,
I think your show is lousy.
490
00:26:09,003 --> 00:26:12,000
And that hat makes you
look like a Pillsbury Doughboy.
491
00:26:12,003 --> 00:26:13,000
Oh, now that hurts.
492
00:26:13,003 --> 00:26:16,000
And at the prom, when you asked me
how you looked in your powder blue tux,
493
00:26:16,003 --> 00:26:16,000
you remember that?
494
00:26:16,003 --> 00:26:18,000
Yeah. I lied.
37437
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