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1
00:00:08,090 --> 00:00:09,590
(SOBBING) Oh, Brian.
2
00:00:11,090 --> 00:00:13,100
Antonio, what's wrong?
3
00:00:13,100 --> 00:00:16,100
The government turned down
my request for a new visa.
4
00:00:16,100 --> 00:00:18,600
I must leave the country.
What?
5
00:00:18,600 --> 00:00:20,940
You know, Antonio,
there's more than one way
to stay in the country.
6
00:00:20,940 --> 00:00:23,840
You know, you can marry
an American citizen.
That would get you a visa.
7
00:00:23,840 --> 00:00:25,710
Oh, how is Antonio
gonna find some woman
8
00:00:25,710 --> 00:00:28,440
who's willing to marry him
at the last minute?
9
00:00:28,440 --> 00:00:32,420
And do you, Helen,
take Antonio to be your
lawful wedded husband?
10
00:00:33,480 --> 00:00:34,580
I do.
11
00:00:35,150 --> 00:00:37,150
Uh, when are we getting
that quickie divorce?
12
00:00:37,150 --> 00:00:39,160
Three years from this day.
13
00:00:39,160 --> 00:00:40,660
Three years?
14
00:00:40,660 --> 00:00:42,660
Yes. That--that
is the law.
15
00:00:43,160 --> 00:00:44,160
What...
16
00:00:44,160 --> 00:00:46,160
You said we were gonna
get a quickie divorce!
17
00:00:46,160 --> 00:00:48,670
Helen, my grandparents
were married 81 years.
18
00:00:48,670 --> 00:00:51,170
To me, three years is
a quickie divorce.
19
00:00:51,170 --> 00:00:54,300
Now, smile for the camera,
sweetheart.
20
00:01:01,380 --> 00:01:03,880
(PIANO PLAYING)
21
00:01:03,880 --> 00:01:05,880
(PEOPLE CHATTERING)
22
00:01:08,380 --> 00:01:10,890
Hey, Helen,
this is supposed to be
your wedding day.
23
00:01:10,890 --> 00:01:12,890
If you and Antonio want to
fool that immigration agent,
24
00:01:12,890 --> 00:01:16,530
you should at least
try to smile a little.
25
00:01:16,530 --> 00:01:19,430
Helen, come on.
Things could be a lot worse.
26
00:01:19,700 --> 00:01:21,770
Pucker up, toots,
I'm here to kiss the bride.
27
00:01:21,760 --> 00:01:22,630
(CHUCKLES)
28
00:01:24,630 --> 00:01:25,640
See?
29
00:01:25,640 --> 00:01:28,140
(PLANE ENGINE HUMMING)
30
00:01:29,640 --> 00:01:31,640
(JAZZ ORGAN PLAYING)
31
00:01:33,010 --> 00:01:35,010
(PEOPLE CHATTERING)
32
00:01:44,020 --> 00:01:48,020
So the government
pays you to track down
illegal aliens, huh?
33
00:01:48,020 --> 00:01:50,830
Well, after a fashion, yes.
34
00:01:50,830 --> 00:01:53,160
Ever been aboard
one of their motherships?
35
00:01:59,000 --> 00:02:00,670
Hey, Brian,
what do you make of this?
Hmm?
36
00:02:00,670 --> 00:02:02,240
I found this matchbook
in my pocket.
37
00:02:02,240 --> 00:02:05,740
It's got a phone number
and the name Rachel
written on it.
38
00:02:05,740 --> 00:02:07,440
I've no idea
who this woman is.
39
00:02:07,440 --> 00:02:10,510
Some of my best mornings
have started with those
very words.
40
00:02:10,510 --> 00:02:12,820
Oh, well.
No! What're you doing?
41
00:02:13,220 --> 00:02:15,290
Joe, you never
throw out a Rachel.
42
00:02:15,280 --> 00:02:17,790
Throw out a Mildred.
Throw out an Ethel.
But never a Rachel.
43
00:02:18,290 --> 00:02:19,290
Rachel is a biblical name.
44
00:02:19,290 --> 00:02:22,790
You call a Rachel,
you might see God.
45
00:02:22,790 --> 00:02:26,300
If she looks like the last
girl you set me up with,
I might see Roy.
46
00:02:27,300 --> 00:02:28,800
(CHUCKLING)
You know what?
47
00:02:28,800 --> 00:02:31,300
I'm having a lot more fun
here than I thought I would.
48
00:02:31,300 --> 00:02:33,300
What with that
federal agent snooping around
49
00:02:33,300 --> 00:02:34,800
I can get Helen
to do anything.
50
00:02:34,800 --> 00:02:35,810
Here, watch this.
51
00:02:35,810 --> 00:02:37,810
Attention, please.
52
00:02:37,810 --> 00:02:40,310
I think someone's
still wearing a garter.
53
00:02:41,680 --> 00:02:43,680
You don't have to make
an announcement, Roy.
54
00:02:43,680 --> 00:02:45,680
Just go in the men's room
and take it off.
55
00:02:47,180 --> 00:02:49,150
Oh, Helen and Antonio,
what are you...
56
00:02:49,150 --> 00:02:50,650
No, y-you come over here
57
00:02:50,650 --> 00:02:53,660
and all you
eligible bachelors,
you move over there
58
00:02:53,660 --> 00:02:55,160
and get ready to
catch the garter.
59
00:02:55,160 --> 00:02:57,160
Come on, show us some leg.
60
00:02:57,160 --> 00:02:58,500
(LAUGHING)
61
00:02:58,490 --> 00:03:02,060
You'll see plenty
when I cram my foot
down your throat.
62
00:03:02,070 --> 00:03:06,070
Please, Helen,
this pains me as much
as it does you.
63
00:03:06,070 --> 00:03:08,070
But with Immigration
here, what can I do?
64
00:03:08,570 --> 00:03:09,570
Hit it, Thelma!
65
00:03:09,570 --> 00:03:11,570
(ALL CHEERING)
66
00:03:20,350 --> 00:03:22,350
Grab it.
It won't bite you.
Come on!
67
00:03:23,850 --> 00:03:24,850
I'll help you.
68
00:03:24,850 --> 00:03:27,360
Oh, just take it!
69
00:03:28,860 --> 00:03:30,360
Toss it, Antonio!
Toss it!
Come on.
70
00:03:30,360 --> 00:03:31,530
(ALL EXCLAIMING)
71
00:03:31,530 --> 00:03:33,460
FAY:
Oh, congratulations, Lowell.
72
00:03:33,460 --> 00:03:35,530
You know what catching
the garter means?
73
00:03:35,530 --> 00:03:38,530
Yeah. Finally, I got
something frilly to
keep my pants leg
74
00:03:38,530 --> 00:03:40,540
from getting caught
in my bicycle chain.
75
00:03:43,410 --> 00:03:45,980
(CLEARING THROAT)
Uh, Mrs. Scarpacci.
76
00:03:45,980 --> 00:03:48,980
I just wanted to
thank you for today.
77
00:03:48,980 --> 00:03:52,480
Oh, well, we're just so glad
that you could join us. Bye.
78
00:03:52,480 --> 00:03:55,490
Well, I...
This is hardly goodbye.
You'll be seeing me again.
79
00:03:55,490 --> 00:03:58,590
Oh, good. Why is that?
80
00:03:58,590 --> 00:04:01,020
Uh, it's procedure.
You know, follow-up
interviews.
81
00:04:01,020 --> 00:04:04,660
I can drop by any time.
And I will.
82
00:04:04,660 --> 00:04:06,730
Are you sure that
that's necessary?
83
00:04:06,730 --> 00:04:08,730
Oh, you have nothing
to worry about.
84
00:04:08,730 --> 00:04:12,400
After all, this is
a legitimate marriage,
isn't it?
85
00:04:12,400 --> 00:04:16,340
And you and your husband
are both much too smart
to risk going to prison.
86
00:04:18,210 --> 00:04:19,710
Prison?
87
00:04:19,710 --> 00:04:22,110
Oh, sure.
Defrauding the government
is a federal crime.
88
00:04:22,110 --> 00:04:23,610
(CHUCKLES)
89
00:04:23,610 --> 00:04:27,120
Anyway, I hope you like
the soup tureen I gave you.
Oh.
90
00:04:27,120 --> 00:04:29,120
Don't ask me why I thought
it was appropriate.
91
00:04:29,120 --> 00:04:30,620
It serves seven to ten.
92
00:04:34,090 --> 00:04:36,090
Fay, I could go to prison.
93
00:04:36,090 --> 00:04:38,900
Do you know what could
happen to a little thing
like me in prison?
94
00:04:38,900 --> 00:04:41,900
Um, you'd get picked last
for the basketball team?
95
00:04:43,900 --> 00:04:46,900
Fay, I just can't
stand this any more.
I'm gonna go home.
96
00:04:46,900 --> 00:04:48,410
I'm gonna take a hot bath,
97
00:04:48,400 --> 00:04:49,910
and I'm gonna forget
this day ever happened.
98
00:04:50,410 --> 00:04:53,410
Uh, H-H-Helen,
you can't leave before
you throw your bouquet.
99
00:05:05,220 --> 00:05:07,720
I suppose it wouldn't
hurt to have coffee.
100
00:05:28,320 --> 00:05:31,120
Well, Joe,
it finally happened.
101
00:05:31,690 --> 00:05:34,190
Today we lost
our little Helen.
102
00:05:34,190 --> 00:05:35,690
Yeah, well, think of it
this way, Brian.
103
00:05:36,190 --> 00:05:39,200
We didn't lose a friend.
We gained a new tarpaulin
for the Cessna.
104
00:05:39,200 --> 00:05:41,700
Let's just get out of here.
Oh, hold on there!
105
00:05:41,700 --> 00:05:43,200
Somebody who you have to call.
106
00:05:43,200 --> 00:05:44,200
Who?
107
00:05:44,700 --> 00:05:46,200
Rachel.
108
00:05:46,200 --> 00:05:47,710
Hey, I threw that
matchbook away.
109
00:05:48,210 --> 00:05:49,710
I know. I recycled it.
110
00:05:49,710 --> 00:05:51,210
Come on, Brian,
I don't want to...
111
00:05:51,710 --> 00:05:53,210
Relax, will you?
Relax.
112
00:05:53,210 --> 00:05:56,210
I'm gonna put her on the
speakerphone. If you don't
like the sound of her voice,
113
00:05:56,210 --> 00:05:57,210
she's history.
114
00:05:57,210 --> 00:05:58,720
(PHONE RINGING)
115
00:06:00,220 --> 00:06:01,720
RACHEL: Hello.
116
00:06:01,720 --> 00:06:03,220
Uh, Rachel?
117
00:06:03,220 --> 00:06:04,220
Yes?
118
00:06:04,720 --> 00:06:06,220
Uh, my name is Joe Hackett
and, uh...
119
00:06:06,220 --> 00:06:08,230
Could you hold on
for just a second, please?
120
00:06:08,230 --> 00:06:10,730
I just finished
working out and you got me
out of the shower,
121
00:06:10,730 --> 00:06:13,730
so I'm standing here
stark naked and dripping wet.
122
00:06:17,230 --> 00:06:20,240
BOTH: Ooh.
123
00:06:20,240 --> 00:06:23,240
I usually pay
three bucks a minute
for a call like that.
124
00:06:24,240 --> 00:06:26,240
Okay, I'm back.
125
00:06:26,240 --> 00:06:28,250
Uh, well, Rachel,
I know this is gonna
sound crazy, but,
126
00:06:28,250 --> 00:06:30,250
uh, I found your name
and your number
127
00:06:30,250 --> 00:06:32,750
on a matchbook
in my sport jacket and, uh,
128
00:06:33,250 --> 00:06:35,750
well, I--I--I can't
remember where it was...
129
00:06:36,250 --> 00:06:38,760
(STUTTERING) Could...
Can I put you on hold
for just one second?
130
00:06:38,760 --> 00:06:40,260
Okay.
131
00:06:40,260 --> 00:06:42,260
What? What?
Wha-Wha-Wha-What? What?
Are you nuts, Joe?
132
00:06:42,260 --> 00:06:44,260
Nothing turns a woman off
more than telling her
you don't remember her.
133
00:06:44,760 --> 00:06:46,260
I mean, it's--it's--it's
right up there with,
134
00:06:46,760 --> 00:06:48,770
"My, you have stout,
muscular legs."
135
00:06:49,770 --> 00:06:51,770
Uh, sorry, Rachel,
there's an annoying
136
00:06:51,770 --> 00:06:53,770
little gnat buzzing
around me in here.
137
00:06:53,770 --> 00:06:56,270
Uh, anyway, uh, I found
your name and number,
138
00:06:56,270 --> 00:06:58,280
and, uh, to be
perfectly honest,
139
00:06:58,280 --> 00:07:00,780
I--I--I can't
remember meeting you.
140
00:07:00,780 --> 00:07:02,780
Well, maybe we met at the gym.
141
00:07:02,780 --> 00:07:05,280
Um, did we talk after
an aerobics class?
142
00:07:05,280 --> 00:07:06,780
You take aerobics?
143
00:07:06,780 --> 00:07:08,290
I'm an instructor.
144
00:07:09,790 --> 00:07:12,290
BOTH: Ooh.
145
00:07:12,790 --> 00:07:14,790
Uh, no, it--it
wasn't at the gym.
146
00:07:15,290 --> 00:07:17,290
Uh, well, the, the matchbook
is from a restaurant
147
00:07:17,290 --> 00:07:19,300
called The Club Car
down on Main Street.
Does that help?
148
00:07:19,800 --> 00:07:21,300
The Club Car?
149
00:07:21,300 --> 00:07:23,300
Oh, wait a minute,
The Club Car.
150
00:07:23,300 --> 00:07:27,300
Are you about six feet tall
with brown hair?
151
00:07:27,800 --> 00:07:30,310
Yeah.
Oh, I remember you.
152
00:07:30,310 --> 00:07:32,310
But you don't
remember me at all?
153
00:07:32,310 --> 00:07:33,810
Well, I, uh...
154
00:07:33,810 --> 00:07:35,810
Look, Joe, um,
why don't we get together
155
00:07:36,310 --> 00:07:38,320
and see if we can
solve this little mystery?
156
00:07:38,320 --> 00:07:41,320
Where're you gonna be
say, uh, tomorrow?
157
00:07:41,320 --> 00:07:42,820
Well, I'm a pilot
with Sandpiper Air.
158
00:07:42,820 --> 00:07:45,820
Uh, actually I,
uh, I own it.
159
00:07:47,820 --> 00:07:50,330
Terrific.
Um, I'll come by the airport.
160
00:07:50,330 --> 00:07:52,830
Let's see, uh, I've got
a thigh class at 11:00
161
00:07:52,830 --> 00:07:54,830
and a butt class at 1:00.
162
00:07:54,830 --> 00:07:57,330
How about if I
squeeze you in between?
163
00:08:10,350 --> 00:08:11,850
BOTH: Ooh.
164
00:08:13,350 --> 00:08:15,850
Uh, sounds great, Rachel.
165
00:08:15,850 --> 00:08:18,860
Okay, good.
I'm looking forward to it.
Bye.
166
00:08:18,860 --> 00:08:19,860
Goodbye.
167
00:08:19,860 --> 00:08:21,860
(BOTH CHEERING)
168
00:08:21,860 --> 00:08:23,360
(WHOOPING)
169
00:08:23,360 --> 00:08:24,860
Is she hot or what?
170
00:08:24,860 --> 00:08:27,360
And, boy,
does she sound built?
171
00:08:27,860 --> 00:08:30,300
Oh, yeah, right.
Like you can tell that
from the phone.
172
00:08:30,300 --> 00:08:33,300
Hey, Joe, Joe, Joe,
I have a trained ear.
173
00:08:33,300 --> 00:08:35,310
It has to do with acoustics
and believe me,
174
00:08:35,310 --> 00:08:37,810
she has got a set of
ack-ack guns on her
175
00:08:37,810 --> 00:08:40,810
that could bring down
the space shuttle.
176
00:08:40,810 --> 00:08:42,810
Brian, there is no way
that you can tell.
177
00:08:42,810 --> 00:08:45,820
RACHEL: Excuse me,
can I clear this up for you?
178
00:08:45,820 --> 00:08:49,320
36-24-36.
179
00:08:49,820 --> 00:08:52,320
Now would you please hang up
so I could use this line?
180
00:08:52,820 --> 00:08:53,820
Sorry.
181
00:08:58,830 --> 00:09:00,330
BOTH: Ooh.
182
00:09:06,900 --> 00:09:08,910
(SCREAMING)
Buena sera, Helen.
183
00:09:08,910 --> 00:09:10,770
What are you doing
in my house?
184
00:09:11,110 --> 00:09:13,180
Uh, I thought
I would surprise you.
185
00:09:13,680 --> 00:09:14,680
So far, so good.
186
00:09:16,850 --> 00:09:18,410
Get out of my bathroom!
187
00:09:18,420 --> 00:09:21,220
It is okay.
I--I am not seeing a thing.
188
00:09:21,220 --> 00:09:23,720
Uh, but if I were,
189
00:09:23,720 --> 00:09:26,720
may I be permitted
to say, "Wow"?
190
00:09:28,860 --> 00:09:31,430
Antonio,
I'm gonna scream again.
191
00:09:31,430 --> 00:09:33,900
No, no, Helen, please,
there is no need.
192
00:09:33,900 --> 00:09:36,900
Uh, I am so grateful
to you for helping me
stay in the country,
193
00:09:36,900 --> 00:09:39,300
I thank you
the only way I know how.
194
00:09:39,300 --> 00:09:41,870
By breaking into my house
and walking in on my bath?
195
00:09:41,870 --> 00:09:43,370
That is only the beginning.
196
00:09:44,370 --> 00:09:47,380
I have prepared for you
a meal to die for.
197
00:09:47,380 --> 00:09:51,880
Veal scaloppini, a tossed
green salad and the most
al dente fettuccine.
198
00:09:51,880 --> 00:09:52,880
How did you
get in here anyway?
199
00:09:53,380 --> 00:09:54,890
Uh, I found your key
under the mat.
200
00:09:54,880 --> 00:09:56,390
You really should be
more careful.
201
00:09:56,390 --> 00:10:00,390
Now, I will just leave
your feast here.
202
00:10:00,390 --> 00:10:04,390
And if you need me,
I will be in the other room,
unpacking.
203
00:10:04,390 --> 00:10:05,400
Get back in here!
204
00:10:05,900 --> 00:10:09,130
Ah, my wildest dream
has come true.
205
00:10:09,130 --> 00:10:10,500
What do you mean,
"unpacking"?
206
00:10:11,000 --> 00:10:12,500
I have to move in.
207
00:10:12,500 --> 00:10:16,010
Mr. Fulham, the man from INS,
said that when he visits,
208
00:10:16,010 --> 00:10:18,510
he expects us to be
living together like
man and wife.
209
00:10:18,510 --> 00:10:20,010
What? You're kidding!
210
00:10:20,010 --> 00:10:23,010
Besides, when we have
our follow-up interview,
211
00:10:23,010 --> 00:10:25,780
we must know every detail
about each other.
212
00:10:25,780 --> 00:10:29,350
For example,
I am already learning that
you're not particularly shy.
213
00:10:31,820 --> 00:10:35,330
I'm not particularly smart
either or I wouldn't be
in this stupid mess.
214
00:10:35,330 --> 00:10:38,700
Now, Helen, please,
I will be no trouble.
215
00:10:38,700 --> 00:10:41,700
I will be like a shadow.
216
00:10:41,700 --> 00:10:45,700
In the morning I will
slip out the door,
217
00:10:45,700 --> 00:10:48,710
and you will say,
"What was that, the wind?"
218
00:10:50,410 --> 00:10:54,410
And I will whisper,
"No, it is me, Antonio."
219
00:10:55,910 --> 00:10:58,720
But I will already be gone,
so you won't be able
to hear me.
220
00:10:59,550 --> 00:11:02,050
You obviously give me
no choice.
221
00:11:02,050 --> 00:11:03,050
So, fine.
222
00:11:03,050 --> 00:11:04,560
But listen,
here are the rules.
223
00:11:04,550 --> 00:11:07,060
You sleep
on the downstairs couch.
224
00:11:07,060 --> 00:11:09,060
You are second in line
for the bathroom.
225
00:11:09,060 --> 00:11:11,560
You don't even sneeze unless
you check with me first.
226
00:11:11,560 --> 00:11:14,630
Fine. I will not look at you,
talk to you, or touch you.
227
00:11:14,630 --> 00:11:17,130
It will be like
we're married 10 years.
228
00:11:18,640 --> 00:11:20,140
(SCREAMING)
Hey, newlyweds.
229
00:11:20,140 --> 00:11:21,500
Whoa, jackpot.
230
00:11:22,210 --> 00:11:24,840
Brian, this is an outrage.
231
00:11:24,840 --> 00:11:26,840
Don't you know
it is very rude
232
00:11:26,840 --> 00:11:29,850
to barge into a woman's
bathroom unannounced?
It is unthinkable.
233
00:11:29,850 --> 00:11:32,850
Is that veal scaloppini?
Yes, with just
a hint of basil.
234
00:11:33,850 --> 00:11:35,350
What are you doing here?
235
00:11:35,350 --> 00:11:37,860
Oh, well, I tried calling
you guys but the phone was
off the hook.
236
00:11:37,850 --> 00:11:38,860
No, it's not.
237
00:11:38,860 --> 00:11:40,860
Yes, it is.
I knew you wouldn't
238
00:11:40,860 --> 00:11:42,860
want to be disturbed
while taking a bath.
239
00:11:42,860 --> 00:11:44,860
Both of you,
get out of here!
240
00:11:44,860 --> 00:11:48,330
Okay, but you won't hear
the good news
or the bad news.
241
00:11:48,330 --> 00:11:49,900
What good news?
242
00:11:49,900 --> 00:11:52,970
Well, I was down
at Hennessey's Pub
having a beer
243
00:11:52,970 --> 00:11:54,970
and I spent an hour
talking to a lawyer.
244
00:11:54,970 --> 00:11:58,370
And he said that
there might be another way
for Antonio to get his visa.
245
00:11:58,680 --> 00:11:59,540
(EXCLAIMS)
246
00:12:00,610 --> 00:12:02,610
What is the bad news?
247
00:12:02,610 --> 00:12:04,110
Spent an hour
talking to lawyer.
248
00:12:05,620 --> 00:12:08,620
What'd he say?
What'd he say?
249
00:12:08,620 --> 00:12:10,620
Well, Helen, you sure
you want to take this
lying down? I mean...
250
00:12:10,620 --> 00:12:12,620
Brian!
Okay, apparently,
251
00:12:12,620 --> 00:12:16,630
Congress just passed
this law making
40,000 visas available
252
00:12:16,630 --> 00:12:19,130
in some sort of big lottery.
253
00:12:19,130 --> 00:12:21,130
Y-you just have to send in
your name and address.
254
00:12:21,130 --> 00:12:25,140
Wait a minute. You're saying
that the government picks
a bunch of names at random,
255
00:12:25,140 --> 00:12:27,140
and those people get
their green cards
free and clear?
256
00:12:27,140 --> 00:12:28,710
That's right.
All you got to do is enter.
257
00:12:28,710 --> 00:12:32,280
If this is that thing
with Ed McMahon,
I may have already won.
258
00:12:35,110 --> 00:12:36,610
Hey, this is terrific.
259
00:12:36,610 --> 00:12:39,620
You know, this may be
just the loophole I need.
260
00:12:39,620 --> 00:12:41,120
We've got to get
started right away.
261
00:12:41,120 --> 00:12:42,120
Allow me.
Let me help you.
262
00:12:42,120 --> 00:12:43,620
Get out!
263
00:12:43,620 --> 00:12:46,120
Brian, I got tired of
sitting in the car.
264
00:12:46,120 --> 00:12:47,120
Hi, Helen.
265
00:12:47,120 --> 00:12:49,630
Antonio, oh, caught you
on the hopper, eh?
266
00:13:15,910 --> 00:13:17,410
Uh, now let me
get this straight.
267
00:13:17,410 --> 00:13:19,210
You mean, anybody
who wants a green card
268
00:13:19,210 --> 00:13:21,480
can enter this lottery
as many times as they want?
269
00:13:21,480 --> 00:13:24,980
Yes. They draw
40,000 names next week.
270
00:13:24,980 --> 00:13:26,990
That's why I'm so tired.
271
00:13:26,990 --> 00:13:30,490
Helen and I stayed up
all night addressing
envelopes,
272
00:13:30,490 --> 00:13:32,990
writing applications,
licking the stamps.
273
00:13:32,990 --> 00:13:36,000
Every time I completed one,
she make me do another.
274
00:13:36,000 --> 00:13:39,000
You know,
when they have a drawing
on the Poppo the Clown Show,
275
00:13:39,000 --> 00:13:41,000
they let a monkey
pick the lucky ticket.
276
00:13:42,000 --> 00:13:43,500
So?
277
00:13:43,500 --> 00:13:45,000
Take it from
a three-time winner,
278
00:13:45,000 --> 00:13:48,010
rubbing a banana
on these entries is
not time wasted.
279
00:13:53,010 --> 00:13:56,020
Hey, good news, everybody.
We've got 2,000
completed entries.
280
00:13:56,320 --> 00:13:57,620
(ALL CHEERING)
281
00:13:58,120 --> 00:13:59,620
Only 8,000 more to go.
282
00:13:59,620 --> 00:14:00,620
ALL: Oh, no.
283
00:14:00,620 --> 00:14:02,120
Oh, come on now.
Don't quit on me now.
284
00:14:02,120 --> 00:14:05,890
The lottery's my last chance
to get out of this marriage.
285
00:14:05,890 --> 00:14:10,460
Boy, you forget to put down
the toilet seat one time...
286
00:14:13,630 --> 00:14:15,700
Excuse me.
287
00:14:15,700 --> 00:14:18,200
Hi, I'm Rachel Adams.
I'm looking for Joe Hackett.
288
00:14:18,200 --> 00:14:19,710
Hi, Rachel.
I'm Joe Hackett.
289
00:14:19,710 --> 00:14:21,170
Oh, really?
290
00:14:21,170 --> 00:14:23,480
Gosh, you're not
what I expected.
291
00:14:23,480 --> 00:14:26,850
Well, uh, you're a lot
more than I expected,
so I guess it kinda evens out.
292
00:14:26,850 --> 00:14:28,550
No. No, see,
you don't understand.
293
00:14:28,550 --> 00:14:31,450
I--I came here
looking for the guy
who ran into my car.
294
00:14:31,720 --> 00:14:33,050
What?
Yeah.
295
00:14:33,050 --> 00:14:35,620
A couple of months ago,
this guy puts a dent
in my fender so I wrote
296
00:14:35,620 --> 00:14:38,120
my name and number
on the back of this
Club Car matchbook
297
00:14:38,120 --> 00:14:39,530
and the jerk
never calls me back.
298
00:14:39,530 --> 00:14:42,090
But then how'd the matchbook
get into my jacket?
299
00:14:42,090 --> 00:14:44,900
I don't know,
but you're definitely not
the guy who hit my car.
300
00:14:44,900 --> 00:14:46,670
Well, this must be
the lovely...
301
00:14:46,670 --> 00:14:48,800
That's the guy!
Whoa, gotta run!
302
00:14:49,800 --> 00:14:51,300
Hold it, Brian.
303
00:14:51,300 --> 00:14:52,570
You know this guy?
304
00:14:52,570 --> 00:14:54,140
Yeah, he's my brother.
You borrowed my jacket, huh?
305
00:14:54,640 --> 00:14:58,140
Okay, what's the big idea?
The number you gave me
was for some lousy bakery.
306
00:14:58,140 --> 00:15:00,650
Hey, that happens to be
a damn good bakery.
307
00:15:02,150 --> 00:15:04,150
Look, uh,
I-I-I'm really sorry.
308
00:15:04,150 --> 00:15:06,650
I lost your number
and after a while I just
forgot all about it.
309
00:15:06,650 --> 00:15:09,160
Let me refresh your memory.
You owe me 338 bucks.
310
00:15:09,160 --> 00:15:13,660
Oh, uh, look,
there must be some way
I could work this off.
311
00:15:13,660 --> 00:15:17,660
You know,
I happen to be an expert
at shiatsu massage.
312
00:15:17,660 --> 00:15:19,170
And...
313
00:15:19,170 --> 00:15:20,670
I'll go write you a check.
314
00:15:22,170 --> 00:15:24,170
Hey, look, I'm--I'm
really sorry about this.
315
00:15:24,440 --> 00:15:26,010
I'd like to
make it up to you.
316
00:15:26,010 --> 00:15:29,380
You know,
clear the family name and all.
Say something like lunch?
317
00:15:29,380 --> 00:15:31,380
Well, is dinner
something like lunch?
318
00:15:31,380 --> 00:15:32,880
Because I'm free tonight.
319
00:15:32,880 --> 00:15:35,380
8:00?
Yeah, yeah, you want to
pick me up at the gym?
320
00:15:35,380 --> 00:15:36,880
Yes, I do.
321
00:15:38,280 --> 00:15:39,850
Here you go, Rach.
322
00:15:39,850 --> 00:15:40,850
Thanks a lot.
323
00:15:40,850 --> 00:15:42,360
So, see you tonight, Joe.
324
00:15:42,350 --> 00:15:44,960
Yeah. Oh, just one second.
325
00:15:44,960 --> 00:15:47,960
All right, Brian,
now write her one
on your account.
326
00:16:00,740 --> 00:16:01,740
(GRUNTING)
327
00:16:01,740 --> 00:16:03,740
The Immigration office
lines are still busy.
328
00:16:03,740 --> 00:16:06,250
Well, try again, Antonio.
I have to know.
329
00:16:06,250 --> 00:16:08,850
Now, Helen, you've waited
a week already. Be patient.
330
00:16:09,350 --> 00:16:12,150
Yelling at Antonio
isn't going to make the call
go through any quicker.
331
00:16:12,150 --> 00:16:13,950
It's ringing, it's ringing.
332
00:16:14,290 --> 00:16:17,220
Well, it's still good advice.
333
00:16:17,220 --> 00:16:22,800
Hello. Yes, I-I-I'm calling
to see if I was chosen
in the visa lottery.
334
00:16:22,800 --> 00:16:25,300
Antonio Scarpacci
from Nantucket.
335
00:16:26,300 --> 00:16:27,800
She's checking.
The lady's checking.
336
00:16:28,300 --> 00:16:29,670
Oh, please, please, please,
please, please...
337
00:16:29,670 --> 00:16:31,940
You can say "please"
for hours.
It won't do you any good.
338
00:16:31,940 --> 00:16:35,010
Ah, another page
from the Roy Biggins
dating manual.
339
00:16:37,010 --> 00:16:41,010
He-Hello, yes. Yes.
340
00:16:43,020 --> 00:16:44,520
I see.
341
00:16:46,520 --> 00:16:48,020
Thank you. Goodbye.
342
00:16:50,520 --> 00:16:52,030
They didn't pick you,
did they?
343
00:16:58,530 --> 00:16:59,530
(SOBS)
344
00:17:02,540 --> 00:17:04,540
At least we still
have each other.
345
00:17:13,550 --> 00:17:16,050
Helen?
You all right, kid?
346
00:17:16,050 --> 00:17:18,050
Yeah, I will be.
347
00:17:18,550 --> 00:17:21,550
I mean,
it's only three years.
That's not so terrible.
348
00:17:21,550 --> 00:17:24,060
Three years isn't a lifetime.
349
00:17:24,060 --> 00:17:26,060
It is if you're
a horseshoe crab.
350
00:17:31,930 --> 00:17:33,930
Am I the only one
who watches PBS?
351
00:17:35,940 --> 00:17:36,940
(TELEPHONE RINGING)
352
00:17:37,440 --> 00:17:38,440
(CLEARING THROAT)
353
00:17:38,440 --> 00:17:41,440
I just have to
keep in mind
why I'm doing this.
354
00:17:41,440 --> 00:17:44,940
This is for Antonio.
He's a very sweet guy.
355
00:17:44,940 --> 00:17:48,450
He is considerate,
he's kind,
he's a good cook.
356
00:17:48,450 --> 00:17:49,950
We should have married him.
357
00:17:50,450 --> 00:17:51,920
HELEN: Hello.
358
00:17:51,920 --> 00:17:54,990
Uh, no, I'm sorry,
he's not here.
Can I take a message?
359
00:17:54,990 --> 00:17:56,990
Uh, this is...
360
00:17:56,990 --> 00:17:57,990
(SIGHING) His wife.
361
00:18:00,990 --> 00:18:03,000
Could you repeat that, please?
362
00:18:05,000 --> 00:18:06,500
Are you absolutely sure?
363
00:18:08,000 --> 00:18:11,000
Oh, no, I'll tell him.
You can count on that.
364
00:18:11,000 --> 00:18:12,000
Thank you.
365
00:18:14,040 --> 00:18:16,110
What? What's up?
Where are you going?
366
00:18:16,110 --> 00:18:17,910
I'm gonna go
kill my husband.
367
00:18:19,750 --> 00:18:22,250
Not unlike
the violin spider,
368
00:18:25,750 --> 00:18:27,250
who kills her mate
369
00:18:27,250 --> 00:18:30,260
and then lays her eggs
in his nutrient-rich
carcass.
370
00:18:37,760 --> 00:18:39,770
I just happen
to know that one.
371
00:18:47,270 --> 00:18:48,780
Helen.
372
00:18:48,770 --> 00:18:51,280
Don't "Helen" me.
I just got a call
from Immigration,
373
00:18:51,280 --> 00:18:53,780
and they want to know
where to send
your green card
374
00:18:53,780 --> 00:18:55,280
you won in the lottery.
375
00:18:55,280 --> 00:18:58,790
Can we discuss this
over dinner, honey?
376
00:18:58,780 --> 00:19:02,290
Look, I want you,
your hair net,
your gravity boots
377
00:19:02,290 --> 00:19:05,790
and your
Hooked on Phonics tapes
out of my house.
378
00:19:05,790 --> 00:19:07,290
Why did you lie to me?
379
00:19:07,290 --> 00:19:08,800
I'm still not sure.
380
00:19:08,790 --> 00:19:10,300
When they told me
I had won,
381
00:19:10,300 --> 00:19:11,800
all I could think was,
382
00:19:11,800 --> 00:19:15,300
"This has been
the happiest week since
I came to this country,
383
00:19:15,300 --> 00:19:17,300
"and now it has to end."
384
00:19:17,300 --> 00:19:22,310
I guess, I liked coming
home to a warm house
and a friendly face.
385
00:19:23,310 --> 00:19:24,810
Well, not that face.
386
00:19:25,810 --> 00:19:26,810
You have others.
387
00:19:26,810 --> 00:19:28,310
Were you ever gonna
tell me the truth?
388
00:19:28,310 --> 00:19:31,820
Of course,
but I was hoping,
389
00:19:31,820 --> 00:19:35,320
by then you might
like me a little.
390
00:19:41,330 --> 00:19:43,830
Antonio,
391
00:19:43,830 --> 00:19:47,330
you didn't really think
that we could stay married,
did you?
392
00:19:48,330 --> 00:19:50,340
Let me try to explain.
393
00:19:52,340 --> 00:19:55,840
Many years ago
in Positano, Italy,
394
00:19:55,840 --> 00:19:58,840
there was a young man
named Angelo
395
00:19:58,840 --> 00:20:01,850
and a young woman
named Anna Maria.
396
00:20:01,850 --> 00:20:04,850
One day, their fathers,
they decide
397
00:20:04,850 --> 00:20:07,350
the two children
will be married.
398
00:20:07,350 --> 00:20:12,360
Angelo and Anna Maria
do not even meet until
the day of their wedding.
399
00:20:12,360 --> 00:20:15,360
Well, at first
they are both so scared,
400
00:20:15,360 --> 00:20:17,860
but after a time
401
00:20:17,860 --> 00:20:18,860
you'll never guess
what happened.
402
00:20:19,370 --> 00:20:21,870
They grew to love each other.
I told you this story?
403
00:20:22,370 --> 00:20:24,370
I saw the picture
you keep of your parents.
404
00:20:25,870 --> 00:20:27,870
Angelo and Anna Maria, right?
405
00:20:31,380 --> 00:20:33,880
They did grow
to love each other.
406
00:20:35,380 --> 00:20:36,880
It can happen.
407
00:20:37,380 --> 00:20:40,390
Oh, Antonio.
408
00:20:40,390 --> 00:20:42,890
I'm touched. Really, I am.
409
00:20:44,890 --> 00:20:47,890
But see, when I get
married for real,
410
00:20:50,400 --> 00:20:51,400
I want it to be for real.
411
00:20:51,400 --> 00:20:54,900
And you know what?
You deserve the same thing.
412
00:20:55,400 --> 00:20:59,410
I promise you, some day
you will find a woman
that is perfect for you.
413
00:21:00,410 --> 00:21:03,410
But never one
as beautiful.
414
00:21:03,410 --> 00:21:04,910
Oh, sure you will.
415
00:21:04,910 --> 00:21:09,420
No. Trust me on this one.
History is not in my favor.
416
00:21:10,420 --> 00:21:12,920
You are the first
Scarpacci woman to have
417
00:21:12,920 --> 00:21:15,420
more hair above her nose
than below.
418
00:21:17,920 --> 00:21:19,430
Hey, this is still
a great day for you.
419
00:21:19,430 --> 00:21:20,930
You get to stay
in the country.
420
00:21:20,930 --> 00:21:24,430
And in a few years,
you may even get
to be a citizen.
421
00:21:24,430 --> 00:21:25,930
I guess I should celebrate.
422
00:21:25,930 --> 00:21:29,940
Yes. But first,
um, would you do me
a favor, Antonio?
423
00:21:30,440 --> 00:21:32,440
Anything.
424
00:21:32,440 --> 00:21:35,440
Would you do me the honor
of giving me back my hand
in marriage?
425
00:21:36,940 --> 00:21:38,440
Will you divorce me?
426
00:21:38,940 --> 00:21:40,450
I will.
427
00:21:40,450 --> 00:21:43,450
There is no woman
I would rather have
as my ex-wife.
428
00:21:44,950 --> 00:21:46,950
Ah, thank you.
429
00:21:47,450 --> 00:21:49,960
So let's go get
some expensive champagne
and a cheap lawyer.
430
00:21:49,960 --> 00:21:50,960
You got it.
431
00:21:54,960 --> 00:21:59,470
Uh, now that we are
both single, uh, would you
like to go out sometime?
432
00:22:01,470 --> 00:22:02,470
Too soon.
33152
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