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1
00:00:07,460 --> 00:00:08,430
Hey, Roy.
2
00:00:08,420 --> 00:00:10,290
Hey, Lowell.
How're you doing?
3
00:00:10,290 --> 00:00:13,260
Well, it's kind of strange.
4
00:00:13,260 --> 00:00:15,200
I've had this
nagging feeling all day
5
00:00:15,200 --> 00:00:16,730
that I'm
forgetting something.
6
00:00:16,730 --> 00:00:20,100
Hmm. Well, my guess is
you get that feeling a lot.
7
00:00:20,100 --> 00:00:22,070
No, this is different.
8
00:00:22,070 --> 00:00:26,040
It's like I started
something this morning
and I forgot to complete it.
9
00:00:26,040 --> 00:00:28,580
Well, it must be something.
10
00:00:28,580 --> 00:00:30,110
Oh, there you are, Lowell.
11
00:00:30,110 --> 00:00:33,020
Do you want me to finish
cutting your hair or not?
12
00:00:33,020 --> 00:00:36,450
Oh, sorry, Fay.
13
00:00:36,450 --> 00:00:39,460
Well, whatever it was,
it'll come to me eventually.
14
00:00:44,390 --> 00:00:48,600
Sandpiper Air flight 19
to Boston will now
begin boarding.
15
00:00:48,600 --> 00:00:52,040
At this time, we'd like
to seat those passengers
in our first class section,
16
00:00:52,040 --> 00:00:53,970
rows one through six.
17
00:00:53,970 --> 00:00:57,310
Fay, we only have six rows.
There's no first class.
18
00:00:57,770 --> 00:01:00,780
I know, but it makes
everyone feel so special.
19
00:01:04,110 --> 00:01:06,550
Oh, morning, Antonio.
How was your weekend?
20
00:01:06,550 --> 00:01:08,950
(CRYING) Oh, Lowell.
21
00:01:11,420 --> 00:01:14,390
Boy, I never will
get used to these
European greetings.
22
00:01:14,860 --> 00:01:16,860
Hey, uh, Antonio.
Are you okay?
23
00:01:16,860 --> 00:01:19,360
Oh, Brian.
24
00:01:19,360 --> 00:01:20,860
(CRYING)
25
00:01:20,860 --> 00:01:23,330
What the hell is
going on here?
26
00:01:23,800 --> 00:01:26,300
Oh... Brian.
27
00:01:27,240 --> 00:01:29,670
Antonio, what's wrong?
28
00:01:29,670 --> 00:01:31,670
I have bad news.
29
00:01:31,670 --> 00:01:35,180
The government turned down
my request for a new visa.
30
00:01:35,180 --> 00:01:36,680
I must leave
the country.
31
00:01:36,680 --> 00:01:38,750
HELEN: What? Gosh...
32
00:01:38,750 --> 00:01:40,250
How much time
do you have?
33
00:01:40,250 --> 00:01:42,720
One month only.
Then I must go back to Italy.
34
00:01:42,720 --> 00:01:44,190
Oh, this is awful.
35
00:01:44,190 --> 00:01:45,690
Things were just
starting to go so well
36
00:01:45,690 --> 00:01:47,190
for you and your
taxi business.
37
00:01:47,190 --> 00:01:51,190
I know, I just learned
the long way to every place
on the island.
38
00:01:53,330 --> 00:01:56,330
What's Gepetto whining about?
I'd love to go live in Italy.
39
00:01:56,330 --> 00:01:58,070
Yeah. Sure sounds
good to me.
40
00:01:58,070 --> 00:01:59,800
Yeah, doesn't it?
Which part?
41
00:01:59,800 --> 00:02:03,170
Any part you like, Roy,
just so long as you go.
42
00:02:03,170 --> 00:02:06,540
You know, isn't this always
the way? The government
picks on the little guy
43
00:02:06,540 --> 00:02:08,540
when there are so
many bigger problems.
44
00:02:08,540 --> 00:02:12,050
Rampant drug abuse,
unchecked poverty,
crime in the streets.
45
00:02:12,050 --> 00:02:16,520
Helen, please.
I miss America
enough already.
46
00:02:16,520 --> 00:02:21,020
I wanted to be the first
Scarpacci to be a success
in this country.
47
00:02:21,020 --> 00:02:23,830
You know, Antonio,
there's more than one way
to stay in the country.
48
00:02:23,830 --> 00:02:25,330
You know, you can marry
an American citizen.
49
00:02:25,330 --> 00:02:27,300
That would get you a visa.
50
00:02:27,300 --> 00:02:30,800
Oh, look at me.
Madonna is not exactly
returning my phone calls.
51
00:02:31,600 --> 00:02:33,070
You either?
52
00:02:34,570 --> 00:02:36,070
You know, people
do it all the time.
53
00:02:36,070 --> 00:02:38,070
You just find someone
and you make a simple
business arrangement.
54
00:02:38,070 --> 00:02:40,080
You know, I have heard
of people doing that.
Yeah.
55
00:02:40,080 --> 00:02:42,350
Oh, how is Antonio
going to find some woman
56
00:02:42,350 --> 00:02:44,180
who's willing to marry him
at the last minute?
57
00:02:44,550 --> 00:02:47,520
Everybody, everybody,
you want a cupcake,
you go to a baker.
58
00:02:47,520 --> 00:02:49,450
You want girls,
you come to me.
59
00:02:49,450 --> 00:02:52,460
Where do you go to
get a huge cigar burn
out of a bedspread?
60
00:02:59,930 --> 00:03:02,430
Well, I was just asking.
61
00:03:02,430 --> 00:03:05,440
Look, all I need
to know is what type
of girl you like?
62
00:03:05,440 --> 00:03:07,900
Brian, I--I--I am
so touched.
63
00:03:07,900 --> 00:03:09,910
You offer your time,
your energy,
64
00:03:09,910 --> 00:03:11,910
but I can't ask you to go
through all this trouble.
65
00:03:11,910 --> 00:03:14,310
It's no trouble!
Okay, I'm a butt man.
66
00:03:23,520 --> 00:03:28,490
So, Helen, do I look okay?
I--I want to impress
my new bride,
67
00:03:28,490 --> 00:03:29,490
whoever she is.
68
00:03:30,990 --> 00:03:33,460
Whoever Brian found
for you is going to
be very impressed.
69
00:03:33,460 --> 00:03:34,970
You have no reason
to be nervous.
70
00:03:34,960 --> 00:03:37,870
Oh, good. Because when
I get nervous, I sweat.
71
00:03:37,870 --> 00:03:39,870
And when I sweat,
I sweat like a hog.
72
00:03:40,370 --> 00:03:42,870
From my neck,
from my legs, from my...
73
00:03:42,870 --> 00:03:44,370
Do you mind?
74
00:03:44,370 --> 00:03:47,380
Forgive me.
I offend the delicate flower.
75
00:03:49,380 --> 00:03:50,880
(CLEARING THROAT)
Hey, guys!
76
00:03:50,880 --> 00:03:53,380
Brian, I thought
you were supposed to
bring Antonio's bride-to-be.
77
00:03:53,380 --> 00:03:55,320
She is right behind me.
But, look, uh,
78
00:03:55,320 --> 00:03:58,820
before I bring her out,
she might not be
exactly to your taste,
79
00:03:58,820 --> 00:04:01,160
but I... Who am I to say?
80
00:04:01,160 --> 00:04:03,190
(SHRILL VOICE) Looks like
I got most of it, kid.
81
00:04:03,190 --> 00:04:05,700
I think it was just gum.
82
00:04:07,200 --> 00:04:09,130
Oh, God.
83
00:04:19,240 --> 00:04:22,480
Joe, where's the luckiest man
on Nantucket?
84
00:04:22,480 --> 00:04:23,910
He's right over here.
85
00:04:23,910 --> 00:04:25,920
Antonio Scarpacci,
I would like
to introduce you
86
00:04:25,920 --> 00:04:28,420
to Miss Sally McCabe
from Sconset,
87
00:04:28,420 --> 00:04:29,920
or as she's known
around the island...
88
00:04:29,920 --> 00:04:31,890
Sconset Sal!
Press the flesh!
89
00:04:31,890 --> 00:04:33,860
(GROANS)
90
00:04:33,860 --> 00:04:36,360
You have a
very strong grip.
91
00:04:36,360 --> 00:04:37,830
Yeah, I ought to.
92
00:04:37,830 --> 00:04:40,330
I do all the work
on the boat myself,
right down to the plumbing.
93
00:04:40,330 --> 00:04:44,830
Why, I could take apart
a pump toilet,
dead drunk and blindfolded!
94
00:04:46,800 --> 00:04:48,810
Uh, it's a quality
I look for in a woman.
95
00:04:49,310 --> 00:04:52,280
So, your--
your friend here tells me
you need a wife.
96
00:04:52,780 --> 00:04:54,310
Well, maybe I...
97
00:04:54,310 --> 00:04:55,280
Well, here's my offer.
98
00:04:55,780 --> 00:04:58,280
My boat's been taking
on a lot of bilge water, see?
99
00:04:58,280 --> 00:05:00,280
And that's something
even I won't touch.
100
00:05:00,780 --> 00:05:05,250
So, if you'll pay to
have it pumped down,
disinfected and plugged up,
101
00:05:05,250 --> 00:05:06,760
aw, heck,
I'll marry you.
102
00:05:08,760 --> 00:05:11,760
They say it's only romantic
when the man proposes.
103
00:05:12,600 --> 00:05:15,360
I can't pay more than $500.
104
00:05:15,360 --> 00:05:17,830
It's a deal.
Press the flesh!
105
00:05:18,300 --> 00:05:21,810
That's okay. Uh, excuse me.
I--I must call the
immigration office
106
00:05:21,800 --> 00:05:23,310
and tell them
I'm going to be married.
107
00:05:23,310 --> 00:05:26,810
Hey! Tell the world, dogface!
I ain't ashamed of you!
108
00:05:29,310 --> 00:05:31,820
(CHUCKLING)
Brian, are you completely
out of your mind?
109
00:05:31,810 --> 00:05:34,320
Sconset Sal and Antonio?
Listen, I was desperate.
110
00:05:34,320 --> 00:05:36,820
No, I mean the woman
spends her time down
at the wharf
111
00:05:36,820 --> 00:05:38,320
letting tourists
take pictures
112
00:05:38,320 --> 00:05:41,320
while her parrot
pecks birdseed
out of her bellybutton.
113
00:05:41,320 --> 00:05:43,830
If she were 20 years old,
living in a loft in SoHo,
114
00:05:43,830 --> 00:05:45,830
they'd call it
performance art.
115
00:05:45,830 --> 00:05:47,330
Hey!
116
00:05:48,330 --> 00:05:50,330
I ain't the Holiday Inn!
117
00:05:57,810 --> 00:05:59,810
Okay, so they're not
Gable and Lombard.
118
00:05:59,810 --> 00:06:02,310
But all Antonio has
to do is wait for the
marriage certificate,
119
00:06:02,310 --> 00:06:04,310
then he never has
to see Sal again.
120
00:06:04,310 --> 00:06:06,750
I spoke to the
immigration officer...
Mmm-hmm.
121
00:06:06,750 --> 00:06:08,750
and I told him
122
00:06:08,750 --> 00:06:10,250
I am engaged.
123
00:06:10,250 --> 00:06:13,190
Great!
So what's he sending us
for our wedding?
124
00:06:13,190 --> 00:06:15,190
I'm registered
at Tiffany's.
125
00:06:15,190 --> 00:06:17,190
(CACKLING)
126
00:06:17,690 --> 00:06:19,700
(STAMMERING)
You don't understand.
127
00:06:19,700 --> 00:06:23,700
See, the man from
immigration, he comes
next week to interview us.
128
00:06:23,700 --> 00:06:27,200
He wants to make sure
we are a real couple.
129
00:06:27,200 --> 00:06:31,710
Well, looks like we've got
some acquainting to do.
130
00:06:33,710 --> 00:06:36,210
Oh, joy.
131
00:06:36,210 --> 00:06:39,220
You're just a little bit
of a guy, ain't you?
132
00:06:39,220 --> 00:06:43,690
Why, I bet I could
pick you up and spin
you round my head!
133
00:06:43,690 --> 00:06:44,690
(GROANING)
134
00:06:54,700 --> 00:06:56,730
Antonio, are you okay?
You look exhausted.
135
00:06:56,730 --> 00:06:59,200
Oh, I'm dead on my feet.
136
00:06:59,200 --> 00:07:01,140
For the last week,
137
00:07:01,140 --> 00:07:03,970
I have been up every night
studying at Sal's.
138
00:07:03,970 --> 00:07:06,810
We have to learn all about
each other's personal habits.
139
00:07:06,810 --> 00:07:09,810
The man from immigration
comes to quiz us today.
140
00:07:09,810 --> 00:07:12,780
You actually went
to that shack she lives in?
141
00:07:12,780 --> 00:07:14,750
Does this rash
answer your question?
142
00:07:17,450 --> 00:07:20,460
Oh, Antonio,
congratulations.
143
00:07:20,460 --> 00:07:23,890
Heard about you
and Sconset Sal,
you old swordsman, you.
144
00:07:23,890 --> 00:07:26,400
Thank you.
She's quite a catch.
145
00:07:26,400 --> 00:07:29,370
Lowell, they're only
getting married so he
can stay in the country.
146
00:07:29,370 --> 00:07:31,370
Oh, boy, what a relief.
147
00:07:31,370 --> 00:07:34,870
It's not easy to find
nice things to say about
that old lunatic.
148
00:07:36,370 --> 00:07:40,380
It pains me to say that,
she is my godmother.
149
00:07:43,380 --> 00:07:47,380
Antonio, I understand
what you're doing, but are
you sure this is all legal?
150
00:07:47,380 --> 00:07:48,720
Oh, yes, I checked it out.
151
00:07:48,720 --> 00:07:52,220
If today goes well,
all we have to do
is get married
152
00:07:52,220 --> 00:07:55,220
and then get
a quickie divorce.
153
00:07:55,220 --> 00:08:00,830
Now, where is that
barnacle-encrusted mercenary
I shall soon call my bride?
154
00:08:00,830 --> 00:08:05,300
Announcing the arrival
of Aeromass flight 17
from Boston.
155
00:08:05,300 --> 00:08:10,110
Aeromass,
where our seats adjust
so yours don't have to.
156
00:08:10,570 --> 00:08:13,580
Flight 17. The man
from immigration,
he comes on this flight.
157
00:08:13,580 --> 00:08:16,510
SAL: Ahoy!
Ah, thank God Sal's here.
158
00:08:16,950 --> 00:08:19,450
Look, Sparky, we gotta talk.
159
00:08:19,450 --> 00:08:23,420
You're a sweet little
illegal alien,
but I gotta dump you.
160
00:08:23,420 --> 00:08:25,860
I got hot
in a crap game, see?
161
00:08:25,860 --> 00:08:28,390
I won enough money
to fix my boat myself.
162
00:08:28,390 --> 00:08:32,400
Look, you can't do this.
We had an arrangement.
They will deport me.
163
00:08:32,400 --> 00:08:34,400
Oh, everybody's
got a sad story.
164
00:08:34,400 --> 00:08:38,900
Me, I came this close
to marrying one
of the Kennedys.
165
00:08:40,400 --> 00:08:42,410
See you around, Frenchie.
166
00:08:44,870 --> 00:08:48,380
That's it.
What am I going to do?
167
00:08:48,380 --> 00:08:50,380
The government agent
will be here any minute.
168
00:08:50,380 --> 00:08:51,850
Okay, okay,
don't sweat it, Antonio.
169
00:08:51,850 --> 00:08:54,350
We just got to find
some way to stall him,
that's all.
170
00:08:54,350 --> 00:08:58,350
Excuse me, I'm George Fulham,
from Immigration
and Naturalization.
171
00:08:58,350 --> 00:09:00,860
I'm supposed to meet
an Antonio Scarpacci.
172
00:09:00,860 --> 00:09:03,360
Does anyone here know him?
173
00:09:03,360 --> 00:09:06,060
Uh, no, I don't. You do?
174
00:09:06,060 --> 00:09:09,900
No, I don't. You, Lowell?
175
00:09:09,900 --> 00:09:12,400
No, I don't.
Do you, Antonio?
176
00:09:18,810 --> 00:09:21,310
I am Antonio Scarpacci.
177
00:09:21,310 --> 00:09:23,180
How do you do?
178
00:09:23,180 --> 00:09:26,680
So, this meeting was
supposed to be with
you and your fiancee.
179
00:09:26,680 --> 00:09:28,180
Where is she?
180
00:09:28,180 --> 00:09:31,190
Uh, my fiancee...
181
00:09:31,190 --> 00:09:33,690
Uh, she's...
182
00:09:35,190 --> 00:09:39,100
She's...
Right here, you silly.
183
00:09:39,100 --> 00:09:40,030
(GRUNTS)
184
00:09:40,030 --> 00:09:42,030
He's always
kiddin' around.
185
00:09:42,030 --> 00:09:45,030
(CHUCKLING)
I'm such a nut.
186
00:09:57,180 --> 00:10:00,720
So, you two
are getting married.
187
00:10:02,220 --> 00:10:04,720
Didn't that
work out nicely?
188
00:10:04,720 --> 00:10:09,230
One week, Mr. Scarpacci's
denied his visa,
the next, he's engaged.
189
00:10:09,230 --> 00:10:12,460
Yeah.
I've been on an
emotional roller coaster.
190
00:10:12,460 --> 00:10:16,970
Uh-huh. So, why don't we
start at the beginning?
191
00:10:16,970 --> 00:10:19,670
How long have you two
known each other?
192
00:10:19,670 --> 00:10:22,170
BOTH: Uh...
193
00:10:22,170 --> 00:10:25,680
Uh, what's it been?
What? Six months.
194
00:10:25,670 --> 00:10:29,340
Yes. Six months.
Exactly six.
195
00:10:29,350 --> 00:10:32,150
And, when did you
decide to get engaged?
196
00:10:32,850 --> 00:10:34,350
BOTH: Oh...
197
00:10:34,350 --> 00:10:37,350
Must have been, uh,
just a-- just a few
weeks ago, you know.
198
00:10:37,850 --> 00:10:40,360
Yes, a few weeks,
exactly a few.
199
00:10:42,960 --> 00:10:44,460
I see.
200
00:10:44,460 --> 00:10:48,460
You know, we could sit here
and make nice all day.
But I gotta tell you.
201
00:10:48,960 --> 00:10:52,470
What I'm looking at here
is a textbook example
of a sham marriage,
202
00:10:52,470 --> 00:10:54,700
uh, wouldn't you say?
203
00:10:55,200 --> 00:10:57,710
Oh, well I can see how
you would say that.
204
00:10:57,710 --> 00:11:00,710
But, now, um,
if that were true...
205
00:11:01,210 --> 00:11:05,210
Uh, would we be planning
the big fancy wedding like
the one we're planning?
206
00:11:05,710 --> 00:11:07,180
(EXHALING NOISILY)
207
00:11:07,180 --> 00:11:10,190
Oh, you're planning a--a
big fancy wedding, are you?
208
00:11:10,190 --> 00:11:12,160
Very big, very fancy.
Yes. Yes. Ah.
209
00:11:12,560 --> 00:11:15,090
Helen will be wearing
my mother's wedding dress.
210
00:11:15,090 --> 00:11:17,530
Oh, that's a nice touch.
211
00:11:17,530 --> 00:11:19,360
Uh-uh, when is the wedding?
212
00:11:19,630 --> 00:11:22,660
Oh, it's this Saturday.
213
00:11:22,670 --> 00:11:25,470
Uh, so you're planning on--
on doing it up right,
214
00:11:25,970 --> 00:11:27,970
uh, music, champagne, flowers?
215
00:11:27,970 --> 00:11:30,940
Yes, lots of flowers.
A feast for the nose.
Yes, lots of flowers.
216
00:11:30,940 --> 00:11:34,440
Handpicked. The flowers,
not the nose.
217
00:11:40,450 --> 00:11:41,950
I think I'm getting
the picture here.
218
00:11:41,950 --> 00:11:43,450
(CLEARING THROAT)
We're talking about a...
219
00:11:43,450 --> 00:11:45,960
A big wedding, with all kinds
of family and friends.
220
00:11:46,260 --> 00:11:47,290
Yes.
Absolutely.
221
00:11:47,290 --> 00:11:50,160
Then you probably wouldn't
mind if I came, too.
222
00:11:52,960 --> 00:11:56,670
Oh, of course not.
Uh, we'll send you
an invitation.
223
00:11:56,670 --> 00:12:00,270
Great. Thank you very much.
224
00:12:00,270 --> 00:12:03,740
I am really
looking forward to it.
225
00:12:05,140 --> 00:12:06,640
(CHUCKLES)
226
00:12:06,640 --> 00:12:09,150
(PEOPLE CHATTERING)
227
00:12:09,140 --> 00:12:11,650
(SIGHS)
Helen, I don't know
how to thank you.
228
00:12:11,650 --> 00:12:14,650
Oh, don't start, Antonio.
We have two days to plan
the wedding of the century
229
00:12:14,650 --> 00:12:16,650
and there's a million
things to do.
230
00:12:16,650 --> 00:12:19,590
Excuse me, uh, did I hear
correctly? You're actually
having a wedding?
231
00:12:19,590 --> 00:12:20,560
Yes. This Saturday.
232
00:12:20,560 --> 00:12:22,530
Wow, this is
getting out of hand.
233
00:12:22,520 --> 00:12:23,990
Well, I had no choice.
234
00:12:23,990 --> 00:12:26,000
Now, if we're going
to pull this off,
235
00:12:26,000 --> 00:12:27,830
I need all of your help.
Is everybody in?
236
00:12:27,830 --> 00:12:29,200
(ALL AGREEING)
237
00:12:29,200 --> 00:12:30,730
I'll round up
some guests.
Okay.
238
00:12:30,730 --> 00:12:33,700
I can take care of the food.
I'll make some of my
crab cakes.
239
00:12:33,700 --> 00:12:36,710
In fact, crab is
traditional wedding fare.
240
00:12:36,710 --> 00:12:39,210
It's supposed to
guarantee that you'll
be together forever.
241
00:12:39,210 --> 00:12:42,210
I served them at
all three of my weddings.
242
00:12:43,780 --> 00:12:45,710
What am I going to do
about a dress?
243
00:12:45,710 --> 00:12:48,220
My fiancee, the brain surgeon
here, told the man I was going
to be married
244
00:12:48,720 --> 00:12:50,720
in his mother's wedding dress.
245
00:12:50,720 --> 00:12:53,720
And you will. I'll call Mama
right now and have her
send it air express.
246
00:12:53,720 --> 00:12:55,190
Yep.
Ooh.
247
00:12:55,190 --> 00:12:58,190
When you absolutely,
positively have to
get married overnight.
248
00:12:59,700 --> 00:13:01,200
Wait a minute.
What am I thinking?
249
00:13:01,200 --> 00:13:02,700
Where are we
going to have this?
250
00:13:02,700 --> 00:13:05,700
I mean, there's no time
to get a hall
or a-- or a church.
251
00:13:05,700 --> 00:13:07,170
Use my hangar.
252
00:13:07,170 --> 00:13:09,140
Oh, no. This guy's really
slick. There's no way
he's gonna buy that.
253
00:13:09,140 --> 00:13:12,070
W-Why not? You know,
tell him it's where
you first met.
254
00:13:12,070 --> 00:13:14,080
People get married
in weird places
all the time.
255
00:13:14,080 --> 00:13:19,580
Joe's right. Why,
Bunny and I got married in
the back of her father's car.
256
00:13:22,350 --> 00:13:25,320
Uh, no,
that was something else.
257
00:13:39,500 --> 00:13:42,300
Yes? Bride's side
or groom's?
258
00:13:42,300 --> 00:13:45,340
I don't know.
Some guy just came down
to the pier this morning
259
00:13:45,840 --> 00:13:48,210
and offered us $5
to show up here.
260
00:13:48,210 --> 00:13:50,710
So, where do you want
our bait buckets?
261
00:13:51,710 --> 00:13:54,180
Uh, gift table's over there.
262
00:13:57,990 --> 00:13:59,960
You paid people to show up
at this wedding?
263
00:13:59,960 --> 00:14:01,960
Relax, will you?
264
00:14:01,960 --> 00:14:04,960
Besides, they're not
all scuzzy fishermen
like those guys.
265
00:14:04,960 --> 00:14:06,430
Hey, boys,
how're you doing?
266
00:14:06,930 --> 00:14:08,930
Hope you don't mind,
but while the ceremony's
going on,
267
00:14:08,930 --> 00:14:11,930
I got some delicates soaking
in the little girls' room.
268
00:14:12,940 --> 00:14:15,140
Very nice.
A definite step up.
269
00:14:16,640 --> 00:14:18,540
Roy, I didn't think
you were coming.
270
00:14:18,540 --> 00:14:21,840
Bogus wedding,
possible deportation
and an open bar?
271
00:14:21,840 --> 00:14:24,350
(CHUCKLING)
Try keeping me away.
272
00:14:26,320 --> 00:14:28,320
Uh, you remember
Inspector Fulham?
273
00:14:28,320 --> 00:14:31,090
Oh, of course I do.
Say, I had no idea
you were coming.
274
00:14:31,090 --> 00:14:35,460
But since you're here,
I've got a little question for
you. Hypothetically, okay?
275
00:14:35,460 --> 00:14:39,460
A guy gets distracted
and he forgets to file his
tax return for a few years.
276
00:14:39,460 --> 00:14:41,460
What's the worst that could
possibly happen to him?
277
00:14:41,460 --> 00:14:43,470
Well, that's really
not my department,
Uh-huh.
278
00:14:43,470 --> 00:14:45,970
but I'd be happy to
check into it for you.
279
00:14:45,970 --> 00:14:48,400
Okay.
Mister...?
280
00:14:48,400 --> 00:14:51,840
Biggins. Roy Biggins.
281
00:14:51,840 --> 00:14:55,340
Okay. Fulham's here.
Let's get this thing going.
What's keeping Helen?
282
00:14:55,810 --> 00:14:57,110
I don't know. I'll check.
283
00:14:59,450 --> 00:15:01,120
Hey, Helen.
Let's get going.
284
00:15:01,120 --> 00:15:03,120
What's going on?
How come you're
not getting dressed?
285
00:15:03,620 --> 00:15:04,650
I can't, Joe.
286
00:15:04,650 --> 00:15:05,690
Why not?
287
00:15:07,390 --> 00:15:10,390
I was fine until
this dress got here.
288
00:15:10,390 --> 00:15:14,100
This is a wedding dress, Joe.
A real wedding dress.
289
00:15:14,100 --> 00:15:16,600
A real big wedding dress.
290
00:15:16,600 --> 00:15:20,600
Apparently Mama Scarpacci
never met a cannoli
she didn't like.
291
00:15:20,600 --> 00:15:24,110
You don't understand, Joe.
I was just trying to do
something nice.
292
00:15:24,110 --> 00:15:26,610
Now, I'm gonna walk into
an airplane hangar,
293
00:15:26,610 --> 00:15:30,110
wearing a stranger's dress
and marry a guy I hardly know.
I can't do it.
294
00:15:30,110 --> 00:15:31,850
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
295
00:15:31,850 --> 00:15:36,190
Excuse me, Helen, Joe,
I hope I'm not interrupting.
296
00:15:36,190 --> 00:15:39,120
I, uh, just wanted to
give you something.
297
00:15:40,120 --> 00:15:41,620
My blue bandanna.
298
00:15:43,130 --> 00:15:45,130
You get the significance?
299
00:15:45,630 --> 00:15:50,100
Yes, Lowell.
No bride can be married
without something blue.
300
00:15:50,100 --> 00:15:52,570
Well, actually it's
something borrowed
301
00:15:52,570 --> 00:15:54,570
and I'll be
needing that back.
302
00:15:54,570 --> 00:15:56,570
Been using it
as my gas cap.
303
00:15:58,370 --> 00:15:59,370
(DOOR OPENING)
304
00:16:00,380 --> 00:16:02,380
(DOOR CLOSING)
305
00:16:02,380 --> 00:16:05,350
This is my
wedding day, Joe.
306
00:16:05,350 --> 00:16:08,850
The day I've dreamed about
ever since I was
a little girl.
307
00:16:10,350 --> 00:16:11,790
You know,
my friends and I,
308
00:16:11,790 --> 00:16:13,290
we used to put pajama bottoms
on our head
309
00:16:13,790 --> 00:16:15,760
and play
marriage ceremony.
310
00:16:15,760 --> 00:16:18,690
But I never meant for it
to be like this.
311
00:16:18,690 --> 00:16:21,200
You know, a woman only gets
to have one first wedding day
312
00:16:21,200 --> 00:16:23,200
and I just don't
want this to be it.
313
00:16:23,200 --> 00:16:27,700
Look, Helen, you've already
done more for Antonio than
anyone has a right to expect.
314
00:16:27,700 --> 00:16:29,710
So if you want to back out,
I don't think there's
315
00:16:29,710 --> 00:16:31,140
a person out there
that wouldn't understand.
316
00:16:31,140 --> 00:16:32,710
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
317
00:16:32,710 --> 00:16:34,210
Oh, scusi.
318
00:16:34,210 --> 00:16:36,140
Antonio...
Helen, Helen,
319
00:16:36,140 --> 00:16:39,150
I just want to tell you,
320
00:16:39,150 --> 00:16:42,820
what you are doing for me
today, I will never forget.
321
00:16:42,820 --> 00:16:46,960
(INTERRUPTING) The night
before I leave Italy,
322
00:16:46,960 --> 00:16:52,990
my mother comes to me.
She worries about me
in--in America.
323
00:16:53,000 --> 00:16:55,500
"Who will look after
you there?," she says.
324
00:16:56,500 --> 00:16:59,000
"Who... Who will be
your family?"
325
00:17:01,500 --> 00:17:04,040
Today, I know. Thank you.
326
00:17:08,040 --> 00:17:09,850
You're welcome, Antonio.
327
00:17:09,850 --> 00:17:13,180
Hey, come on.
Everybody's waiting. Helen,
you gonna do this or not?
328
00:17:20,460 --> 00:17:22,160
(PLANE ENGINE HUMMING)
329
00:17:25,730 --> 00:17:27,730
Is everything
all right, Fay?
330
00:17:27,730 --> 00:17:29,730
No.
331
00:17:29,730 --> 00:17:31,730
If that immigration agent
is going to believe
this is a real wedding,
332
00:17:31,730 --> 00:17:35,740
I should be crying.
And I don't think I can cry.
333
00:17:35,740 --> 00:17:38,740
Uh, uh, come on,
help me think of
something sad.
334
00:17:38,740 --> 00:17:40,740
Okay.
335
00:17:40,740 --> 00:17:43,250
Let's see.
336
00:17:43,750 --> 00:17:47,750
A little boy, after his
first day at kindergarten,
337
00:17:47,750 --> 00:17:50,750
and his mommy never
comes to pick him up.
338
00:17:55,260 --> 00:17:56,760
No. Nothing.
339
00:17:58,260 --> 00:18:00,760
Apparently you and my mother
have a lot in common.
340
00:18:04,700 --> 00:18:07,200
Uh... Helen ought
to be out any minute.
341
00:18:07,200 --> 00:18:10,210
Good. I thought maybe
the bride was getting
cold feet.
342
00:18:10,210 --> 00:18:14,210
Oh, no, no, no.
She is crazy about Antonio.
Yeah, she told me herself.
343
00:18:14,210 --> 00:18:16,710
He makes every guy
she has ever been with
344
00:18:16,710 --> 00:18:20,220
look like
a child, an infant,
an immature idiot.
345
00:18:20,720 --> 00:18:22,720
How is it that
you know Helen?
346
00:18:22,720 --> 00:18:23,720
Oh, well,
347
00:18:23,720 --> 00:18:27,220
I, uh, sort of dated her.
348
00:18:31,130 --> 00:18:35,630
You can sit there
and pretend like
you don't know me.
349
00:18:35,630 --> 00:18:40,640
But that New Year's Eve
was the best night
of your life.
350
00:18:44,640 --> 00:18:49,150
Give me a break.
I was young and impetuous.
It was a lifetime ago.
351
00:18:49,140 --> 00:18:50,650
It was last year!
352
00:18:53,650 --> 00:18:57,120
So all that was left
was one puppy.
353
00:18:57,120 --> 00:19:00,620
All alone,
on a piece of driftwood,
354
00:19:00,620 --> 00:19:02,620
three miles out to sea.
355
00:19:06,130 --> 00:19:07,630
No, not a tear.
356
00:19:09,630 --> 00:19:13,640
My God, woman. What are
you made out of, stone?
357
00:19:14,640 --> 00:19:16,140
It was a little puppy.
358
00:19:19,540 --> 00:19:21,040
I'm ready!
359
00:19:21,040 --> 00:19:22,510
(WEDDING MARCH PLAYING)
360
00:19:34,020 --> 00:19:36,460
Well, are we
ready to begin?
361
00:19:37,460 --> 00:19:38,960
Fine.
362
00:19:38,960 --> 00:19:43,330
Ladies and gentlemen,
we are gathered here today
363
00:19:43,330 --> 00:19:49,340
to witness a solemn
and beautiful occasion.
364
00:19:49,340 --> 00:19:53,840
Those of you sitting
in the back have no idea
just how beautiful.
365
00:19:56,110 --> 00:19:58,450
Do you, Antonio,
366
00:19:58,450 --> 00:20:00,950
take Helen to be your
lawfully wedded wife?
367
00:20:00,950 --> 00:20:04,450
To love and to cherish,
as long as you both may live?
368
00:20:05,420 --> 00:20:06,920
I do.
369
00:20:06,920 --> 00:20:10,430
And do you, Helen,
take Antonio to be your
lawfully wedded husband
370
00:20:10,930 --> 00:20:14,430
to love and cherish as long as
you both may live?
371
00:20:16,430 --> 00:20:17,430
Helen?
372
00:20:18,430 --> 00:20:20,440
Senor, scusi.
373
00:20:22,440 --> 00:20:26,440
Helen, the last thing I want
is for you to be unhappy.
374
00:20:26,940 --> 00:20:32,450
So, please, if you have
doubts, don't be afraid
to answer "I don't."
375
00:20:32,450 --> 00:20:34,950
I don't.
Oh, God.
376
00:20:34,950 --> 00:20:38,690
I don't have any doubts.
I do.
377
00:20:38,690 --> 00:20:39,660
I can't hear you!
378
00:20:39,650 --> 00:20:41,660
I do!
379
00:20:41,660 --> 00:20:45,160
Then, by the power
vested in me by the
Commonwealth of Massachusetts,
380
00:20:45,160 --> 00:20:48,660
I hereby pronounce you
man and wife.
381
00:20:49,660 --> 00:20:51,670
You may kiss the bride.
382
00:20:55,740 --> 00:20:57,740
(MUSIC PLAYING)
383
00:21:05,450 --> 00:21:08,950
I know this is not
the appropriate time
to ask you this, but, uh,
384
00:21:08,950 --> 00:21:10,950
when are we getting
that quickie divorce?
385
00:21:10,950 --> 00:21:13,460
Three years
from this day.
386
00:21:13,460 --> 00:21:14,460
Three years?
387
00:21:14,460 --> 00:21:16,960
Yes. That--that--that
is the law.
388
00:21:16,960 --> 00:21:19,960
What do you... You
said we were gonna get
a quickie divorce!
389
00:21:19,960 --> 00:21:22,460
Helen, my grandparents
were married 81 years.
390
00:21:22,960 --> 00:21:25,470
To me, three years
is a quickie divorce.
391
00:21:25,470 --> 00:21:28,470
Now, smile for the camera,
sweetheart.
31030
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