All language subtitles for Rake.S05E02.1080p.BluRay.FLAC2.0.x264-SbR_track4_[eng]

We need some help here!

Cal, as you can see,
it's chaos here.

Guys. Guys.

Hey. What are you doing
looking at my boys naked?

I really love your...
your little boys with their...

..with their little bouncy balls.

- He's gonna have to quit.

Um, there might be a story
coming out later on this afternoon

about me being a paedophile.

Can you get Frank onto that ASAP?

I married a worm.

Well, no, love, I don't really think
you're being fair there.

Just fuck off back to Play School.

This summit is about securing safety
for Australia, the region,

and the planet.

The President is adamant
that every part of this treaty

represent a stronger,
even more aggressive posture.

Now, I dare say it's gonna be
a little squeezy in here.

This place hasn't functioned
as a Parliament for 35 years.

The President wants a war,
preferably global.

You know that.

Tonight, we're going to party
like it's 1999.

So can you just do me a favour?

Make some calls and organise
something, you know?

What you're doing there, that
doesn't look like such a good idea.

Oh, God. No, no, no.

Oh.

Alright. Dickheads.

Home time. Bye-bye now.

Linus!

Oh, shit.

Oh, you little shits.

Oi. Home time.

Fuckwit. Come on.

Oh.

Come on. Come on, love.

Home time now. Bye-bye now.

Bye-bye now.

Oh, fuck.

My phone...

- Senator.
- Mate...

I...I've got a body here.

A body? Of a female nature?

Yes, yes.

And the US Defense Secretary
seems to have shot through

and he's not...
he's not all that well,

and he may or may not
have the nuclear codes.

Is she with or without breath?

She's breathing but...but just.

She needs to go to hospital.
I think she's ODed.

Relax. I'll be there in 10 minutes.

Make it five.

Can you please open the door?

Jet lag.
Shocking flight from Reykjavik.

Ooh, God.

- So, which hospital?
- No, no.

No hospital. The usual place.

There's a usual place?

Mate, where on God's green earth
are we?

This girl needs...urgent attention,
alright?

- Direct from...

..Alien TV
brings you all the latest stories

from the newly discovered world,
Planet Earth.

Rich, don't look.

Look away.

- What is it?
- Oh, mate, who knows?

I mean... You know, there was...

There was coke there,
there were a rainbow of pills.

It could be any bloody thing.

How many times do I say
do not bring this trash, this filth,

this degradation into my home?

You think people don't talk,
you think the neighbours don't see?

You think the children don't notice?

My mother is ripping her heart out.

Come in.

Again. Here I am.

- Some gentlemen are here.
- Oh, good.

Are you happy now?
Are you proud man?

My mother, she come to witness this.

More goys.

- You clean up this mess.

Thank God.

I need to know

where the United States
Secretary of Defense currently is.

How would I know, mate?
That's your job.

Christ.
It's like Berlin all over again.

Oh, Jesus.
Hasn't the poor girl had enough?

Ow. Fuck.

Come on, guys.
What's with the C&W?

- Senator Greene? Coming to there?
- Uh...

Welcome.

Can one of the boys get you a drink?

We've got guava juice,
freshly squeezed orange.

- Oh, fuck.
- Or perhaps you'd prefer coffee.

Relax, man.

Big night, huh?

We're all feeling it a little.

Well, there you go.

Evelyn's brought you a coffee.

Evelyn?

My name's Carol. We weren't
formally introduced last night.

Oh, you're Carol, really?

Carol can be
either a male or a female name.

Yeah, not really, mate.

It's a common
American male name.

Like Evelyn or Marion.

Well, Marion's
definitely a girl's name.

It can be either.
John Wayne's real name was Marion.

What? John Wayne's real name
was Marion Wayne.

Let's not get bogged down in this.

As a matter of urgency,

we need to know the whereabouts
of Linus Potemkin.

And even you must know there's
a rather important meeting today?

Yes. Yes, um...

Yeah, I mean, I was talking
to your mate...

- Beverley.
- Oh, Beverley.

Again, more common in the States.

Senator Greene,

where is the Secretary?

I don't know, mate.

I mean, we were all there,
you'd know as well as I would.

I mean, why don't you just...
just track his phone or something?

We've just spent about $50 million

making sure no-one on the planet
can track that phone.

Francis, can you kill the C&W?

So, his name's Francis?

As was Sinatra's.

Let's not make light of this very
grave situation, Senator Greene.

Don't start on me, mate.

Your crack team
of male impersonators here

was supposed to be
protecting him, alright?

No-one is saying there haven't been
security failures

- on both our ends.
- Where's the door?

I mean, how did I physically
get into this shithole?

And what happened to that girl
last night?

Senator Greene, these are
fragile times we find ourselves in.

The only fragility I'm sensing,
Helen,

is that I'm a Senator in the
Australian Federal Parliament, OK,

and I'm being held here
without any explanation.

Now, there are people out there
who love me

who will be worried sick by now.

Where the fuck
is my Secretary of Defense?

- You all have a lot to answer for.
- How did he...where did he come...

- Where's the door?
- We have an Athens situation, Tiger.

Goddammit. Sit.

- Where is he?
- I don't know, mate.

I don't... How can I...

He might be a tad out of control.

He told me he had the nuclear codes,

and then he said that
that was just a joke.

And then he took a couple of
happy snaps of his stinkers bridge.

I mean, your boy might not be well.

Senator Greene, you're a
forward-thinking kind of guy, right?

We have an issue here
that we need to address forwardly.

Now, last night,
you and our Secretary of Defense

made a connection with
drug dealers and prostitutes.

If any of that were to get out,
it would seriously...

As did Narelle here.

- I mean...
- Shut up.

Secretary Potemkin is the key player
in treaty negotiations

with various parties
over hotly contested territories,

which if not resolved would lead us
all into dire consequences.

Jesus H. Christ.

And we're sure he sent it
to the Italian Ambassador?

Yes. And Barlow,
Judders and Mannheim.

He copied them in accidentally.

So he meant to send the pictures to...

What pictures?

Our Athens situation's
turned into Belgrade.

Oh, fuck.

Barlow, Judders and Mannheim have
been sexted photos of his dick.

This could bring down
the whole administration.

Ah, well, look,

I'm sure your women's collective here
can sort that one out.

Sadly, when great men
take photos of their genitalia,

it always gets out.

So for us, this really becomes
a question of attribution.

What do you mean attribu...
Hey, what's with the...?

- Thank you for your cooperation.
- What cooperation?

Boys. Come on.

Oh, God.

Oh.

So these transvestite,
music-loving CIA operatives...

They weren't transvestites.

And they may not have been CIA.

Sure. They drugged you,
left you in a shopping mall...

Yes, yes. Yes.

We might have even believed you
if it wasn't for this item.

Well, that's not me.

Oh, you're saying
that's not your head.

That's not my penis.

I...I mean, they've photoshopped
my face. You can see that.

I didn't realise the man
was so ill-equipped for the job.

I mean, why would you
take a photo of that?

- We were wondering the same thing.
- Yeah.

It's not me. OK? That is not...

Look, it's very important...
no, it's vital

that this photo
never see the light of day.

It's fabricated, alright?

You've got to give me time
to sort this shit out.

I'm a senator - something like this
could destroy me.

Wonderful news.

My brother's
just been arrested again.

They're not charging him

but the idiot sexted
some diplomats in America

using
the Secretary of Defense's phone.

His photo's all over the web.

No, no, no. What you've got
in your hand is a small plate.

It belongs
with all the other small plates.

How many times, Cal?

Wouldn't the time
spent sorting them now

be the same as the time spent
sorting them when they're dry?

I am trying so effing hard
to make this relationship work.

Yes.

We're meant to be living in your
fabulous harbour view apartment

on your multimillion-dollar salary.

But, no, instead, you decide

to lodge another appeal
against your brother

and we're living in this dump.

This is far from a dump, Pumpkin.

And my father promised me
that painting.

It's a piece of shit painting
with three cows eating grass.

And you've spent 10 million bucks
in legals

on something
you could find in a garage sale.

Tomorrow, you bury my brother.

You go on air
and you publicly disembowel him.

You remove every vital organ and
you squeeze them until they squelch.

Yes, my sweet.

What are you doing?

Do we know yet the type of gas
that was used by the terrorists?

No, the exact chemical breakdown
of the noxious gas is still unknown.

Our focus at present
is to contain whatever evil

is locked inside New Parliament House

and stop it leaking
into the watertable.

I will now invite the Minister for
Homeland Security, Gareth Morrow,

to outline our new,
increased security arrangements.

- Minister?
- Thank you, Prime Minister.

- And may I...
- Excuse me. Excuse me.

Kids coming through. Excuse me.
Sorry.

Just a school group
of young aspiring Australians

yearning to learn
how democracy works.

It's all paid for months in advance.

Right, kids.

This is the Prime Minister and
the Minister for Homeland Security,

obviously talking about
keeping us safe.

Now, today the Government announces
a higher terrorist warning level.

At this point in time, the levels
range from unlikely to possible,

to probable to certain,

and as from today,

this new category
being extremely certain.

Boys.

- You found the idiot yet?
- No, we have not.

Jesus. The Chinese delegation's
already left the airport.

This is going to be
just like Montreal.

Search every gay brothel and bar.

He's clearly in an Auckland mood.

It may even be Budapest.

He's a Green Beret after all.

Sorry, of course, Mr President.

It's just, at this point in time,

we currently don't know
his precise location,

but we are still in furious
negotiations over the treaty,

the treaty we are signing with you.

Sure, yeah.

We will find him, rest assured.

Somebody find
that drug-sodden arsehole

before he sinks the entire alliance!

Oh, I'm sorry, Mr President,
I thought you'd hung up.

It's bullshit. It's all bullshit.

Yeah. Drugs, hookers, a wild party.

- No, no, not that bit. The sexting.
- Doesn't sound like you at all.

That is not my Arthur Phillips
on display there.

Privately, in certain circles,

I used to be known as 'The Plough'.

- Oh, yuck! Cleaver.
- Fact.

I'm just telling you.

That's... I...
I was kidnapped, alright,

by Americans who wanted to...

They were a bunch of, like,
Beverley, Joyce, Mary, Julia...

- Oh, an Amazon tribe.
- No. Guys, guys!

- They're not guys' names.
- Well, that's America for you.

That's the way...
They're all called ladies, they're...

John Wayne was born a lady...lady.

They...they fucking kidnapped me,
they drugged me.

Oh, that'd be hard.

I...I count on this job, Cleaver.

I count on this income, so...

Do not screw this for me, OK?

You go to Parliament, you apologise,

and then you say nothing
for the rest of your unnatural life.

That is not my Able Seaman.

Did the Americans
go anywhere near your phone?

Why?

Maybe don't say too much
in your phone conversations.

You think they're listening?

Am I in danger?

Define "danger".

- Cleaver's on, Frank.
- Cleave, mate.

There's a mob of press waiting
to tear you apart out there.

I think you should let me
do the talking, boss.

Yes, yes, you do the talking.

No, OK, Frank, what...what...
Just... What...

Run it by us first, please.

I think we should just
play a straight bat here.

Yeah, yeah, straight bat, good.
Good.

Well, what would a straight bat
say to the press?

That Senator Greene was pissed
and he'd taken a few happy pills,

which he now regrets.

He's clearly embarrassed
by how little the thing is

which caused the drinking
and drug taking in the first place.

And, uh, he hopes the public
will understand and forgive him.

- No, mate, that's a bad idea.
- Are you kidding me, Frank?

Look, Cleave,
there's a book in this.

A lot of blokes out there
a bit light on the God box themselves

want to know there's
a kindred spirit in Parliament

to represent them.

Some days are better than others.

Go...now!

Will do.

You...you still pleased

that you made a man who played
for Balmain 40 years ago

and whose brother you owe money to
your press secretary?

- Oh, look at this goat fuck.
- Oh, shit.

I mean, fuck.

OK. Flank me. Flank me.

- There's only one of me, Cleaver.
- Walk in front.

How can I flank you?

So, are you going to resign,
Senator Greene?

Have your actions damaged
the Australia-US Alliance?

- Senator.
- Senator!

Look, guys, I would like
to make a statement, alright?

I...I look forward very much
to clearing my name

when all the facts emerge.

Your photo is everywhere.
Bit late to clear your name, isn't it?

Senator!

I would ask the press
to please respect my privacy

at this difficult time.

Why? It's not as if
someone close to you died.

You stole
the US Defense Secretary's phone,

you took a snap of your penis,

and you sexted it to
the Italian Ambassador and others.

- Who told you that?
- The Americans.

It's not mine. It's not mine.

- I was drugged.
- OK.

- Senator.
- So you admit to taking drugs?

- Cleaver!
- Fuck.

You are a real...

You know, you should be ashamed
of yourself.

Shame, shame on you.

It's the Secret Service.

Can you just...can't...?

Gimme your phone,
I'm gonna twitter a denial.

No. No, you don't.
And it's "tweet". "Tweet".

- I have to clear my name.
- Well, you can't.

And for God's sake, you do not
tell Frank about social media.

I will keep doing your tweeting
till you find a replacement.

- I do my own tweeting.
- Not anymore you don't.

Well, what've you got me saying?

Uh, "Thursday walked in Namadgi
National Park to clear my head."

Never been near the place.

You've never
cleared your head either.

"Saturday, caught up with old friends.
How good it is to have old friends."

You make me sound like
a fucking desk calendar.

Yes. Much better to tweet,

"That is another man's penis
with my head on it."

Huh?

Is the chipolata kid in his office?

Yes, he is.

You having a rough time of it,
Cleaver?

I've had better weeks, mate.

- I don't know how to stop this.
- Well, you can't.

You know, in the good old days,

when someone did a rice paper
drawing of their cods

and sent it out via carrier pigeon,
well, it wasn't a problem.

But today, now, it's all out there
in a nanosecond.

Fortunately for you...

Well, the headlines are mainly about
the terrorist attack.

Not my penis.

My head.

Not my penis.

I don't care.

It's a private matter.

- I was kidnapped. I was drugged.
- Really?

Are you sure? Who by?

America.

Not all of it.
Some ladies' name guys.

Gene, Renee, Carol.

Wow.

- Dangerous.
- Mmm.

- Am I safe?
- Safe-ish.

Three diplomats just died
in a car accident in DC.

What? Who?

Oh...

Barrow, Judders, Mannheim.

- Never heard of them myself.
- Oh, mate.

He sent them the photo.

Do you know where Potemkin is?

The treaty meeting
was meant to start an hour ago.

I know you think I'm the enemy
in this place, but I'm not.

You and I have much in common.

What, mate, apart from
both hating your brother?

- Cal's my half-brother.
- Oh...

And, mate,

I hate people probably in my own
party more than I hate you.

OK.

You did threaten to oppose me

on the amendments
to the Trade Practices Act.

Mate, you're letting big supermarket
monopolies wipe out farmers.

It's a no-brainer.

But just because you oppose it
doesn't mean that I hate you, mate.

In fact, if anything, well,
I respect you for your stance.

Mate, you're not going to sway me.

Cleaver, I wouldn't try.

I know you to be a man of principle.

But, mate, I think you need to
disappear out of harm's way.

You need to maintain
a very low profile.

Look, how about tomorrow I get you
on to some out-of-the-way committee,

you know,
while Parliament's in recess.

How about the Agricultural Tariff
and Subsidy Abrogation Committee?

No.

I mean, for starters, there were
three words in that sentence

I didn't understand.

Well, yeah, you probably wouldn't
want to be on it anyway.

Potter's the vice-chair.

Oh, Jesus, mate.

OK. What about Primary Produce
Subcommittee, eh?

Now, it's very low-profile,
and there's lots of travel.

You'd be out of the public eye.

Wouldn't be a camera in sight,
my son.

- Lots of travel?
- Heaps of travel.

For the perfect milker,
you need part-Jersey,

part-Holstein,

and, uh...

Fascinating stuff.

You like to guess the other part?

Oh, well, you know, I...

Three parts, gosh.

I mean, I'd really be guessing.

Limousin.

And my guess would have been right.

- And you know why we...
- Abel, could I just hold...

You keep entertaining the troops,

I just need to have a quick word
with my chief of staff.

Thank you, Abel.

What the never-ending fuck
are we doing here?

Oh, you're asking me?
You chose the milk subcommittee.

OK, yes, because Joe McGregor
told me that it involved travel.

I didn't think it'd be a light plane
out to shit sticks looking at cows.

Where did you think milk came from,
Cleaver?

The supermarket.

- Why do I listen to you?
- You right?

You don't.

If the Government passes this new
Consumer Trade Practices bullshit,

supermarkets will have more power
than ever over farmers.

Senator Greene strongly opposes it,

and his vote will guarantee
it doesn't get through.

Does that thing look at everybody
like that?

Oh, it'll be great to be in Sydney
for a couple of days.

- What?
- Huh?

Great to be in Sydney
for a couple of days.

- Yeah.
- I can crash at yours, can't I?

- No, you can't. No.
- No?

Really, Cleaver.

You said that last time
was the last time,

and you said that you'd either
get Wendy to let you stay,

or that you'd get a place
of your own.

What, you believed me
on either count?

Jesus, it's like we've never met.

- What's up?
- Nothing.

- Huh?
- Nothing is up.

I just get a bit...I get a bit
choked up on planes, is all.

- Do you?
- What?

Do you cry sometimes?

- On planes?
- Yes.

- No. Never.
- Right.

I don't know why I...

- What?
- I said I don't know why I do.

Maybe it's 'cause we're so high up,
and...

..and our problems are so far below,
and...

I don't know, from up here,
you just... You just...

You just see how small
and irrelevant you actually are.

Elephant what?

I feel irrelevant up here, and I...

I don't know, I wonder whether all
my problems with Barney and Bevan,

- whether...
- You'll find love again.

You will.

I know a couple of guys

who'd be quite happy
to go on a date with you.

And I can tell you this -

they wouldn't dump you at the altar

or run off to Sicily
with a Monica Bellucci look-alike.

Yes, you might be a bit
long in the tooth to have more kids.

Oh, God.

You ever thought about buying a cat?

Oh, God.

You're a very difficult person
to comfort, you know that?

..those of us who have known
Senator Greene these many years,

this was a train wreck
that was always going to happen.

His sad, infantile behaviour
was always going to erupt.

Now, what damage has this done
to our standing with the US?

Notify me if anyone mentions
the 293amendment.

The what?

You know, the Consumer Protection
and Trade Practices...

Whatever the fuck it's now called.
Just let me know.

..he step down
from this high public office.

Joe.

Is it true
you've offered Cleaver Greene

a place on the ATSAC committee?

I would never do that.
I know how you feel about Greene.

Right.

'Cause you know I'd have to resign

my vice-chairmanship
of the committee if you have.

David, I know we sit
on opposite sides of the House,

but I'm not your enemy, mate.

Even though you were the arsehole

who opposed me
on the Trade Practices Bill.

Don't get me started on that.

They are killing small traders,
fixing prices.

If you relax the laws governing them,
God help small businesspeople.

Look, I put Cleaver on Primary
Produce to keep him out of the way.

The milk committee?

What kind of sane person would want
to sit on the milk committee?

Listen, when are you back from Paris?
Let's do a lunch.

Wednesday fortnight.

I miss the Tuesday sitting,
but I'll be back for the real stuff.

Listen, mate,
you have a great trip, OK?

I'll be really interested
to see that report when you return.

- Thanks, Joe.
- Alright.

Norm.

We need to bring forward
the Trade Practice amendment vote.

To Tuesday, mate.

We throw to the image of Greene.

We've, uh... blocked out his schlong
with some silly hearts - very funny.

OK, now in your hands,
so this is it -

death knell to Cleaver Greene.

- Yes.
- This is the man who put you away.

You've got him
exactly where you want him.

- Release the dogs of war.
- Dogs of war.

In five, four, three...

Cleaver Greene, Oh, Cleaver Greene.

What the hell were you thinking?

Photographing your manhood,
then texting it to a high-level diplomat?

I mean, what act of utter insanity

drives a man
to this sort of behaviour?

What leads a man to reduce himself
to this point of humiliation?

Well, he must be suffering.

Wondering why his life
turned out so terribly wrong.

I mean,
we all make terrible mistakes

that we have to live with daily.

It...it might hit us
stacking the dishwasher,

or closing the refrigerator door
too loudly...

..not folding washing
in a way that reduces ironing.

Was there some incident that
possibly sparked his behaviour...

..a deeper cause,
buried somewhere in his past...

..maybe even his family?

Perhaps he felt persecuted
by a particular family member.

I'm home, Pumpkin.

Can't have you cooking in the dark,
love.

Leave it.

I have a migraine.

- I'll get your tablets.
- Don't.

I'm sorry, love. They...

They made me say that stuff
about your brother.

I tore strips off 'em afterwards.

Yeah, I understand.

It was legals, you know?

God, you should have seen
how angry I got, with all of them.

I lined them up and I sacked them.

- Not eating, yourself, love?
- Migraine.

Yes.

- What is it?
- Soup.

Ooh, smells intriguing.

You mind if I turn the light on,
just so I...

- Do not.
- Yep, that's fine as it is.

Hi. I'm Maryanne.

- No! No!

What are you doing?

Mar... Maryanne was here.

You cannot stay here again.

The US delegation
hasn't arrived as yet,

but we can still have
some useful discussions today.

- Hmm?

No, thank you.

Fair enough.

Wait for my signal.

OK, this is more like it. Tiger.

Seal the premises.
Cover the back exit.

Gabriel, Hillary,
take those persons outside.

Gentlemen,
please vacate the premises.

Cover the exits.
Routine health inspection.

Please vacate the premises
immediately.

- Looks like he's moved on.
- Goddammit.

Let's focus on this suburb.

Someone tell me
Pine Gap is online now.

- Roger, got that.
- Thank you.

Hello, darling.

Oh, just at the embassy.

Busy, busy, busy.

Mm-hm.

Yes, well, talks start soon.

Please don't talk about him
over the phone.

Yes, I know he's a dick.

My... Yes.

Alright, my love.
I'm going to go to sleep.

Give my love to the kids.

My love to you too.

Oh...

Why come here if you want
to maintain a low profile?

Well, nobody expects politicians to
be in their actual electoral office.

I need some thinking time, alright?

Till I can prove that little
piece of gristle is not mine,

there's no way
I can establish my innocence.

Well, you'd have to go back to the
point of conception to achieve that.

Hey, darling. What you doing?

Why are small children

dancing with a mad Polish woman

in my electoral office?

When I agreed to this job, you said
that I could bring lain to work, so...

Yeah, well, lain appears
to have cloned himself,

'cause I'm counting about 14 lains,
and some of 'em in dresses.

Well, Mum just invited a few of
his little friends over, didn't she?

- Oh!
- And, you know, she loves kids, so...

Oh, well, I suppose she needs company
of her own mental age.

It's important that lain
is around children his own age.

What's important is that
I have my electoral office to my...

- Get 'em out of here!
- Says Mr BuzzStay.

Oh, don't... That's a whole other...

Who's that?

- It's in your diary.
- I have a diary?

It's Gene Gibson.

Gene? Where's he from?

I don't know. America, I think.

- Oh, God!
- He's with that...

I know, I know who he's with.

OK.

Oh, God. OK. OK.

Get out.

- Senator Greene.
- Yeah.

Gene Gibson.

I suspect you know who I am
and why I'm here.

Look, you have my support.

I was given an understanding

there may be some serious issues
between us going forward.

I haven't
mentioned his name...

..or the fact that it isn't my penis.

Your penis?

And I never will.

OK, so we're good?

We can count on your support?

Totally, totally,
in everything I say or do, or...

- Everything.
- Thank you.

My people will be very happy
to hear of your change of heart.

Good.

Oh, God.

- You made short shrift of him.
- Oh...

I hope you told him
where to get off.

Secret Service, they're stalking me.

It's just that they pay
these Yank consultants a fortune

to screw over our farmers.

It makes me sick.

Our farmers?

Because Gene is a consultant for...

Oh, I don't know. I don't remember
which big supermarket.

It's in your diary somewhere.

But, I mean, they're all the same.

I have to get the fuck out of here.

Fuck.

This guy's been following us
since we left.

Go down this one.
See if we can lose him.

Into the laneway? Are you sure?

Yes, yes. Go, go.

Yeah, do it. Fuck.

If you wish.

Great. I think you've lost him.
We can reverse back out.

I'd be reversing into oncoming traffic.
It's peak hour.

What? Well, we don't
have to wait here, do we?

- Well...
- Well, for how long?

I don't know.
Until the end of peak hour.

Oh, God. Well, mate,
you should have said something.

I was born under Russian rule.

We are used to
obeying orders blindly.

May I ask you,
if you wanted to disappear,

why did you choose
the milk committee

instead of the Agricultural Tariff
and Subsidy Abrogation Committee?

How do you know
what committees I was offered?

The drivers network, we hear things.

Why would I want to be on a committee
that I can't even pronounce?

Because currently
they are on a fact-finding mission

touring the wine and cheese regions
of Italy and France,

led by Senator David Potter.

Seriously?

- What was that?
- Oh...

- He needed a light.
- What do you mean he needed a light?

How did you know he needed a light
from inside the car?

He's Polish.

He gave you an envelope.
What...what was that?

- What?
- I don't know the word in English.

- Ah, I think we are good to go.
- Thank Christ for that.

Oh.

Mate. I know - I know someone
who can prove it wasn't mine.

When we get to the freeway,

I'll get you to chuck a U-ey
and go back the other way.

Then I suspected
he was seeing someone on the side.

He was. Chapter five.

But he kept denying it,

but I knew all his
Wednesday afternoon, in-house,

closed-door work meetings
sounded like bullshit.

For me it was Thursday afternoons.

And so I went to his office
on a Wednesday afternoon,

and I said, "Excuse me, I'm so sorry
to interrupt the meeting."

Mm-hm.

"But I wonder
if I could have a word with Jason."

- And do you know what they said?
- "He's not here,

"because Wednesday afternoons
are his family time,

"his unbreakable commitment
to his wife and child."

His exact fucking words.

- How did you know?
- Same chapter, three pages on.

Beth, believe me, I know all this
because I'm a survivor.

- You slept with him, didn't you?
- Yes.

No, and now he's moved back in,

and he's lying on the couch
in his underwear watching league,

and he's telling you he's catching up
with a friend on Monday night?

- I still love him.
- No, you don't, Beth.

You love an illusion.

Ah.

- Hi.
- Hi.

Have you come to see
Winnie?

Yes, Winnie and Wendy.

I forget the precise page,
but anyway, it's all in here.

And the first thing
I'm going to tell you is,

you are going to get through this,

and I know that
because I got through it.

Uh... I've got to see her urgently.

Oh, I don't think
she'll want to see you.

- It's life-and-death stuff.
- Well, she's with a client.

I was going to marry him
and move to Sardinia

and open
an English-language bookshop.

What? Seriously?

Stage 23 - that's the level
of madness that you reach -

until finally, in my case, I said,

"No, enough,
get the fuck out of my house."

What's he doing?

- Is he American?
- No.

- OK, good.
- No, that's Gabe.

Hi.

He's installing the intercom

and security cameras
throughout the house.

- Why?
- For your granddaughter.

So I can monitor her at all times.

Yesterday, I'm sure
she was trying to say "mummy".

Well, maybe she was trying to say,
"This is a bit mental, Mummy."

How long's she going to be in there?

That was over a year ago.

I have been clean ever since.

And every morning,
I wake up happy and joyous and free,

and you will too.

Thank you, Wendy!

Thank you.

- Sorry!

Anyway, Beth, it's not...
It's not real love, alright?

Yep.

And with lots of therapy,
you'll come to realise

that what you thought was love
is actually your addiction to pain.

- Yes.
- Alright?

Anyway, we're at the end
of our session, so...

Oh, yes. OK.

Thank you.

- Isn't that your ex-husband?
- No, definitely not.

He looked a lot like your son.

No, he doesn't look
anything like my son.

Can you excuse me for one second?

- That's fucked.
- OK.

- You're an idiot.

- Thank you.
- Wendy...

No, don't ask.

- So I'll see you next week.
- Thank you so much.

- Fantastic. Alright. Bye-bye!
- Thank you, Wendy.

I just want to... No? OK.

You stay right there.

How dare you. I was in a...

Um, Gabe, can you...
Thank you. That's fine.

- We don't...
- Yep.

Our lives as we know them
are at an end.

Yes, no, I agree. Our lives
as we know them are at an end,

never to be revived.

- I need you to do something from me.
- No.

I need you to publicly verify

- that that is not my penis.
- Oh, Jesus.

Take it away! Ohhh...

- I'm being framed.
- Right.

I am being stalked by America.

- OK, that phone is bugged.
- Mm-hm, yeah.

The only way I can stop this

is if somebody
who was intimate with me

will publicly declare
that that is not me.

OK.

Do you need me to arrange for you
to go to a facility

- where they can take care of you...
- Oh, come on, look at it!

Look at it! Study it.

Honestly, I don't remember.
It was so long ago.

What do you mean you don't remember?
We were married 15 years.

We were married for eight years,
I don't count the last four,

and it wasn't something I spent
a lot of time looking at,

to be honest.

You used to call me The Plough.

I have never called you The Plough.

I have zero memory of calling you...

Maybe you called yourself
The Plough.

- I called you El Fucko.
- Oh, come on.

You must remember something.

I remember being very worried I was
going to catch something from it.

Missy...

Yes. Actually...

You used to sleep with Cleaver
quite a lot

before you had a baby with my son.

Do you remember The Plough?

- Ah...
- Oh, my gosh.

- Huh?
- What's going on?

Well, it's not me, is it?

- That's not me.
- I don't know!

I mean, I saw a lot of them
in the bad old days.

What do you mean you don't know?

Well, you only really remember
the very big ones.

- You do remember those.
- Oh, come on, you two.

Just study it.

Look at it.

How could you even think...

No, no, no, actually, I feel like
his had a bend in it, didn't it,

from memory?

Well, it was more of a kink,
really, wasn't it?

- Yes.
- And the vein?

Yes, he had a big blue vein.

Yep, OK, yep,
it's all coming back to me.

- I don't think this is it.
- No, you're right. It's not yours.

You have been framed. You happy?

OK. Yes. Great. Good.

Thank you.

I'd anticipated being
a little more cheerful at the news

that somebody believed me,
but, yes, thank you.

Thank you for that. And now I need
you both to publicly declare...

- Definitely not.
- On the record...

- Absolutely not.
- That is not me!

- What is wrong?!
- No. No way.

My life is hanging by a thread.

Oh, Cleaver, of all of the issues
that this country is facing,

you've been in Parliament
for, what, 18 months,

and the only thing that you give
a shit about is your pathetic...

..veined, kinked willy.

And you... I did not want a security
camera in the bathroom, alright?

Get rid of it.
In fact, get rid of them all.

- No, it is gaga.
- Gabe, don't listen to her.

- Don't listen to her!

Linus... Mate, where are you?

Yes, I can get there.

I'm a senator, mate.
I can get a plane.

Carol, there's movement.

Yeah, I've got him.
Cleaver's on the move.

Flight 465 to Canberra.

It's time for me to go home,
Cleave.

Home.

To..wife and kids and President.

Yes, well...

..that is how the cards fall,
Cleave.

That is my lot in life.

You know, I used to think
that there was a rock bottom.

And then I realised
there is no rock bottom.

It's just one giant abyss
that keeps going down and down.

Last week
he wanted to nuke Switzerland

because his watch wouldn't work.

I'm sure the Romans with Caligula
as their leader

thought, "This is rock bottom,
but it will improve."

Then boom!

1,000 years in the Dark Ages.

- Alright.
- Good to see you, gentlemen.

- Mr Secretary...
- Mm-hm?

- Your country needs you.
- Mmm.

Thank you.

Cleave...

..there is no rock bottom.

This is not good, mate.

I've seen the toughest pollies crack

under the sort of strain
you're under.

Where am I now?

Does it matter?

Professionally,
well, you're not at a high point.

I have two witnesses who will
testify that is not my penis.

- I know it isn't yours.
- You know it's not?

How do you know it's not mine?

Because I've seen the real thing.

- What?
- It came across my desk yesterday.

Oh, no. Oh, see, that's not...

That's... It's their balls.

They wake me up in the morning
with the basketballs.

Fortunately,
Mr Wang is a dear friend of mine,

and I've told him
it was a complete misunderstanding

and he's agreed
to put a hold on taking it further.

Mate... Oh, mate.
Thank you so much.

I could take 80% of all this away
from you.

- The Americans, paedophilia...
- It's not paedophilia.

But if I'm going to do this for you,
mate, I've got to know something.

Are you friend...

..or foe?

Lock the doors.

Those in favour
of the proposed amendment

to section 293of the
Competition and Consumer Act,

the ayes to my right,
the noes to the left.

Have you found a side
that suits you yet, Senator Greene?

No.

Contrary to the fake news

that's been circulating
as to my condition,

I came down with a severe head cold
and was ordered to rest.

And now that I have recovered,
I am headed to...

China.

..meet my Chinese counterpart,
Li Hia.

These are times

where sound judgement
and goodwill between men are needed.

But I leave here today

with the belief

that we, as a people,
are destined for a better world.

The lunatic is on a plane now
and out of here.

We have no treaty

and the Chinese are talking about
severing trade ties,

but we are not at war.

On the good news front,

the public are responding
to your leadership on security

and figures are on the rise.

- Excuse me, Prime Minister.
- Give me 15.

No, now. Someone you need to meet.

You lot, move yourselves.
Come on, piss off.

Come on in here, Jake.

Come on.

Prime Minister, this is Jake.
Jake, this is our country's leader.

- G'day. Lovely to meet you.
- What is this about?

Well, Jake is with our maintenance folk
at New Parliament House.

Go on, mate. You tell her.
You'll be right.

It's a bit embarrassing, actually.

Gordy...he's my brother,

so I'm not blaming him
when I tell you this.

This was an accident.

But the sluice valve that connects
to the floor flange on the S pipe,

that takes the sewerage out,
it was left open,

and one of the elbow joints
had corroded.

Now, why they didn't use
a plastic elbow joint...

- What the hell is he talking about?
- Just stay with him.

Anyway, it kind of...

..ruptured and blew out
into the storeroom

where we keep the cleaning products

and they spilt and kind of
must have mixed together,

and wouldn't you know it,

Bruno was having a quiet fag
and it kind of exploded.

I don't understand.

Not terrorists, Angela.

Turds and cleaning fluids
in a lethal combination.

Uh, yeah, definitely not terrorists.

This was just an accident.

And the good news
is we should be up and operational

by the end of the week.

Not a terrorist attack, you say?

No. No worries on that front.

Oh, you think no worries, do you?

You fuckin' moron!

After Gareth and I
introduce a Level 7 security alert,

calling in the Army
and doing hourly press announcements

telling the public
their lives hang in the balance.

No...just a sluice valve
and buckets of shit and bleach.

Gareth, I wonder if you could take...

- Jake.
- ..Jake...

..to the windowless office
at the rear.

Whoa.

Oh, and, Gareth,
no-one is to go in or out of the room

until further notice.

Come on, mate.

You'll be sweet.

Joe...

Fuck!

I'm really learning to hate you.

I think that you look
really lovely as a zebra.

I have a practice back in Sydney,
Virginia...

I need you, Wendy.

I can't accommodate
seven people here.

There are two beds here, alright,
and one of them is mine.

- I'm here to help.
- I'm sure you are, mate.

You see, Cleaver,

I'm this nation's Trump.

I am a tycoon...

..yes, and I'm tiny.

Look! I'm a tiny tycoon!

Why do we put up with this
from these morons?