All language subtitles for JAG.S03E23.Wedding.Bell.Blues.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP2.0.H.264-Panda_track3_[eng]

This way.

[man] Hey! Let's go!

I'm gettin' outta here!

Yeah! What about us?

Get us outta here!

[door clanks]

Come with me.

How's the other
guy look, Lieutenant?

Major!

She doesn't look
as bad as
he
does.

She? It's a long story, ma'am.

It better be a good one.
And what's
your
excuse?

Well, you wouldn't
believe me if I told you.

Bud, you're getting
married in a few hours.

I really appreciate you
coming down here, Major.

I owe you one.

One? You two owe me a million.

You have any idea what
the Admiral's going to say

when he hears about this?

Oh...

I think he'll understand.

[narrator]
Following in his
father's footsteps
as a naval aviator,

Lieutenant Commander
Harmon Rabb Jr.

Suffered a crash while
landing his Tomcat

on a storm-tossed
carrier at sea.

Diagnosed with night blindness,

Harm transferred to the Navy's
Judge Advocate General Corps

which investigates, defends
and prosecutes the law of the
sea.

There, with fellow JAG
lawyer Major Sarah MacKenzie,

he now fights in and
out of the courtroom

with the same
daring and tenacity

that made him a
top gun in the air.

[MacKenzie]
I can't believe
they detained you, Admiral.

-That makes two of us.
-Have you seen Harriet, ma'am?

I really need to explain
to her what happened.

I'd skip the explanation, Bud,

and throw myself on
the mercy of the court.

-What exactly happened?
-I have no idea.

I think it started a
couple of days ago,

when Rabb made the headlines.

Believe me,
Admiral, it wasn't me!

[Chegwidden] "A
naval aviator ran amok

"at Washington's ultra
hip club Vertigo last night,

"bringing new
meaning to the old song

"'what do you do
with a drunken sailor?'

"The dashing top gun

"was last seen
mooning police officers

before disappearing into
the night in full afterburner."

What are you guys
looking at
me
for?

You're the only Lieutenant
Commander I know

with wings and a JAG insignia

on the shoulder boards.

Does kind of look
like you, Harm.

What do you think, Carolyn?

Ooh, guilty as charged.

[both laughing]

It wasn't me, Admiral.

For one thing, I was
here with the Lieutenant

until 2230 last night

working on the Holbart case.

He was, sir.

And I don't even

have my dress
whites at the moment.

They're at the cleaners.

Harm Rabb.

R-A-B-B.

I don't see

your name, Ham.

Harm.

Ham!

I've been bringing
my uniforms here

for three years, Mr. Marvel.

Then you should
be in the computer.

Maybe they're under
your wife's name.

I'm not married.

Neela!

This handsome young man

who's very single

has lost his uniform.

[speaking Hindi]

No, I didn't lose

my uniform.

You
lost my uniform, sir.

Do you have a ticket?

No. Why do you think

we give you a ticket?

It's "Lieutenant
Commander Harmon Rabb."

Service dress
white naval uniform.

My daughter works too hard.

I keep saying she
should go out more.

She's young.

She should have some more fun!

What do you think, Ham?

I think that you should
find my uniform, sir.

I have a wedding on Saturday.

$9.65. Next time
bring your ticket.

This is not my uniform.

Oh, yes, it is.

Naval dress white uniform.

These are Ensign bars.

This is not my uniform.

Look.

What's wrong with this picture?

I do alterations.

[giggles]

[sighs]

Bud, you ready to go
over that Crothers file?

Uh, yes, ma'am.

Is this part of
the Crothers file?

Uh, no, no.

That's a, uh... personal file

I'm just going to get rid of.

Are you okay, Bud?

I'm-I'm fine, ma'am.

I'm just a little nervous...

You know, first case and all.

Of course it couldn't
have anything to do

with the fact that
you're getting married

in three days, two
hours and 36 minutes?

May I?

Is this you?

Yeah. I, uh, wanted
to be a cowboy

when I grew up.

What is all this?

It's just my "future" file...

Pictures of stuff that
I wanted to do in life.

You wanted to be a rabbi?

I wanted to go to the Holy Land.

And cruise across America.

[chuckling]

I guess I don't need that,

now that I have Harriet.

So, uh, why are you
throwing it all away?

I'm... probably not
going to get a chance

to do any of it, now
that I'm getting married.

Why not? Marriage isn't about

losing your freedom, Bud,

despite what you
may have been told

by JAG's bachelor brigade.

Being married is
about having someone

to share your dreams with.

I know Harriet loves to travel.

And I bet she'd look pretty
hot on the back of a motorcycle.

[chuckling]

Yeah.

Thanks, Major.

You're welcome.

Oh, but... you might have to
give up the swimsuit model.

Right.

[woman] You've been blessed

with the Beaumont cleavage.

It's a crime to hide it!

Mother, I want
something old-fashioned.

This is a wedding, Harriet,

not an antique show.

Now turn around, darling.

It's
her
wedding

and she knows what she wants.

She has since she was six.

And look where it's got her.

Mother...

I liked the one

you tried on first, honey.

Why do you always
agree with Harriet?

Just once, I would like
for you to agree with me.

I agree with you,
Lydia... When you're right.

Thank you, Dad.

I am just trying to keep her

from making any more mistakes.

And what was my
first mistake, Mother?

Never marry a man
named after a dog.

Dad!

[Roberts]
In
Roth v. Higgins

it defines the
elements for desertion.

I think it really gives
us something to go on.

Have you considered
going for the lesser charge?

Unauthorized absence? Yes!

Major, I have an ironclad case.

The penalties are
almost the same, Bud,

-and it's easier to prove.
-You don't think I can do it.

Bud, Harm and I
told the Admiral you
were
ready to be trial counsel.

Maybe you were just being nice.

Okay, let's so for desertion.

What have you got?

I have...

all the elements to prove

intent to shirk
important service.

Seaman Crothers was
assigned to garbage duty

when he absented
himself without authority.

Well, it's my intent to argue

that all service is
important service,

no matter how trivial.

-Ah. Sir, did you
find your uniform?
-No.

Sir, the wedding's
in three days!

I know, Bud.

And you're my best man.

Bud...

Sir, it's a military ceremony.

If you're not wearing
your dress whites,

I don't even know if you can go.

Lieutenant! Relax.

I'll have my dress whites.

Everything will
run like clockwork.

-It's all going to be fine.
-I'm sorry, sir.

-I'm not acting
like I usually do.
-Yeah, you are.

Bud, it's natural for the
groom to be nervous.

But you've got nothing
to be worried about.

Harriet's got this
wedding planned better

than Desert Storm.

What could go wrong?

Buddy!

[laughing]

Dad! Please!

Hey, son! Huh?

-Hey, Buddy.
-Hey, Mikey.

Look at you.

You've grown, little brother.

Well, you, too. Look at you!

Hey, hey, hey, you going
to introduce your father

or do I have to do it?

Lieutenant Commander Rabb,

Major MacKenzie, this is...

Buddy's old man.

[chuckling]

Master Chief Roberts.

U.S.N.

Retired.

Well, it's nice
to meet you, sir.

I've heard a lot about
you, Commander.

And you, too, Major.

Too bad about your
guy getting shot, but...

the world's gone all to hell.

Nice to meet you, Master Chief.

Hey, let's not
stand on formality.

My friends call me Bud.

Big
Bud.

And this is my brother, Mikey.

Sir, ma'am.

Shake hands...

-While you can.
-Sorry, sir.

You won't be able
to once you enlist.

Ma'am.

So, uh...

Where's, uh... Henrietta?

Harriet. She's getting
her wedding dress altered.

Oh. Taken in or...

Taken out?
[laughing]

Hey, this isn't
a shotgun wedding, is it?

No!

I just wondered

if you took after
your old man, son.

[laughing]

[Big Bud laughing]

I'm kidding.

It's not funny, Dad.

So, Mikey, your brother

tells us you're
going to art school.

Well, I hope to, sir.

The Navy taught me

all I ever needed to know

and it'll do the same for you.

Bud, we have

a witness to interview.

Bud's trying his
first case tomorrow.

I'm prosecuting.

You're no lawyer.

Any commissioned
officer's qualified

to prosecute in a
special court-martial,

-Master Chief.
-Especially since Bud passed

his mid-year law
finals with honors.

Well, I guess it's, uh...

prosecuting's a lot
easier than defending.

I guess we better
get going, Major.

Mikey, it was great
seeing you.

-Will I see you later?
-Absolutely.

Maybe you will, maybe you won't.
I'm taking Mikey down to Norfolk

to show him what
the real Navy is like.

In fact, I may enlist him.

No, you won't, Dad.

Yeah? Why not?

Because I'm in the
wedding, right, Bud?

Right.

Nice to meet you, Master Chief.

[laughing]

It's what they all say, Major.

That reminds me.

Friday night I'm throwing

this little bon voyage
party for Buddy.

Couple of my
ex-shipmates will be there

and I'd like to invite you
and Admiral Chug-a-waggen.

Chegwidden.

I'd be delighted to come.

I'm sure the Admiral would, too.

It's going to be one of
those old-fashioned, uh,

crossing-the-line
type ceremonies.

You know?

You have crossed

the line, haven't
you, Commander?

Only the equator, sir.

[laughing]

[Rabb]
This is not my uniform.

One-forty-seven.

One-forty-seven.

This is your uniform.

This is a police uniform.

Mine are Navy dress whites.

I'm a JAG lawyer.

My brother-in-law

is the Johnnie
Cochran of Calcutta.

So don't threaten me, Ham.

I'm not threatening
you, Mr. Marvel.

I just want my uniform.

Look, this belongs to Joe Garvey

I'm sure he probably
has my uniform.

You have an address on this guy?

Yeah. He's a good customer.

He's in the computer.

Give me his address.

Can't do that.

[speaking Hindi]

[laughs]

Okay, Ham, for you
I'll make an exception.

-Thank you.
-Don't thank me.

Thank my daughter
when you take her

out to dinner.

Are you ready,
Lieutenant Roberts?

Yes, sir, I am.

You may call your first witness.

Yes, sir. Thank you, sir.

Government calls Edward
Grainger to the stand.

-Mr. Grainger, you
own Metro Fuel?
-Yes.

-And you hired Robert
Crothers as a mechanic?
-Yes.

When Robert Crothers filled
out his employment application

did he tell you he was a seaman
in the United States Navy?

No.

Thank you, sir.

That will be all.

Robby's a good worker.

Your Honor...

The government has
no further questions.

I don't think it's fair
you don't let me
tell the whole story.

I'm going to give
you that chance, sir.

Mr. Grainger, you say that
Mr. Crothers was a good
worker...

-Ensign.
-Yes, sir. Could I speak
to you for one second, sir?

-Speak away.
-Uh, classified, sir.

Classified?

Operation Clove-hitch.

Clove-hitch?

Tying the knot, sir.

Oh.

That'll be all, Tiner.

Aye, sir.

Ensign.

Ma'am, do you own an apartment
building at 56 Seventh Street?

-Yes.
-And is Robert Crothers
a tenant at that address?

Yes, he is.

For how long?

Nine years.

And about how far away
from this apartment building

is Andrews Air Force Base?

Oh, about six minutes by car.

Thank you, ma'am.
No further questions.

That's all?

Yes, ma'am.

Robby is my best tenant.

Ma'am, thank
you. That will be all.

Your Honor, the government
has no further questions.

-[intercom buzzes]
-Yes?

Undersecretary Jakowski's
on line one, Admiral.

Uh, take a message.

He says it's about
the Russel hearing, sir.

Tell him I'll call him
back in 15 minutes, Tiner.

I'm right in the
middle of something.

Mmm.

I'd go with the salmon,
the avocado and the pate.

What about the caviar, sir?

Too ostentatious.

Ensign, nobody
really likes fish eggs.

Oh.

Now get this away
from me before I eat

the whole thing.

-No.
-Thank you, sir.

You don't know how
much this means to me.

Glad I could help.

If you ever get
tired of the Navy,

you could make a fortune
as a wedding planner.

Don't spread that around.

I'd hate to have to kill you.

[nervous laughter]

And that's when you pulled
Seaman Crothers over?

Yes.

And...

before...

uh... before you wrote
Seaman Crothers a ticket

for driving without a taillight,

what did you do?

I ran his name
through the database

to see if there were
any warrants out.

That is standard procedure.

What did you find?

That there was an
outstanding government warrant

-for the seaman's arrest.
-[Roberts] Then what did you do?

I placed him under arrest
and advised him of his rights.

Now, at any time, did
Seaman Crothers inform you

that he was an unauthorized
absentee from the Navy

or that he was even a member
of the United States Navy?

No, he did not.

Thank you, sir.
That will be all.

During the ten years
that he was absent,

Seaman Crothers did not
attempt to turn himself in,

even though he
lived six minutes away

from a military facility.

He did not reveal that
he was in the service

on his employment application.

The only reason Seaman
Crothers came forward now

was that he was arrested.

Seaman Crothers is guilty
of desertion under Article 85

of the uniform code
of military justice.

[man] All rise.

Please be seated.

Is the defense
ready for judgment?

We are, Your Honor.

In the case

of
United States v.
Seaman Robert Crothers,

United States Navy,
we find

the accused guilty of the charge

and specification

of desertion.

Congratulations, counselor.

[whistling]

Mr. Roberts.

Sir.

The sentencing phase

of the court-martial will begin
tomorrow at 0900.

And please leave your cheering
section at home, Lieutenant.

This is a courtroom,
not
American Gladiators.

Yes, Your Honor.

Sorry, sir.

Looked like Bud did
a good job in there.

He had a good teacher
and he probably got a
few pointers from you, too.

-Ha, ha.
-Nothing changes.

I never met an officer
with a sense of humor.

I thought you were taking
Mikey over to Norfolk.

And miss you playing Matlock?

You did a good job, Bud.

Mom would have been proud.

[Big Bud] Proud of what?

Screwing up some poor guy's life

who isn't hurting anybody?

[Mike] Don't listen to him, Bud.

Watch it.

So, uh, when are we going
to meet this girl of yours?

We're having dinner
with her tonight.

-How's my hair?
-You got your mother's hair,

but the Navy's going
to take care of all of that.

Cut it all off in Boot.

Hair looks great, Mikey.

See you later.

[Big Bud]
First time I told Bud

about the birds and
the bees, he cried.

Thank God he was going
into the Navy the next day

-and I didn't have
to listen to him.
-He's just kidding.

Buddy's never had much
luck with the opposite sex.

And do you think Harriet has?

Hey, I think

he did a pretty good job.

Thank you, Mikey.

You're okay in my book.

So, uh, Rollo, I hear you have

a yacht.

Well, a small yacht.

It's not that small, Roland.

Big enough for Mikey and me

to take a little
shakedown cruise?

Ah, Dad...

Anytime.

I'm going to take you

up on that, Roland.

So what are your plans
for the future, Michael?

Well, my dad wants
me to go into the Navy.

Well, the Navy has always
been very good for your family.

[Roland] What do
you want to do, Mikey?

Oh.

You want to draw

on the back of menus?

I want to be a cartoonist.

[Big Bud] Can you
beat that? Cartoons.

Can you make a
living doing that?

Charles Schulz, Scott
Adam and Gary Larson do.

You need something
steady to fall back on

like, like welding.

I think Mike should
do what he wants to do.

Hmm. Follow his bliss.

[woman] His bliss?

[Big Bud] I'll give him bliss.

I'll blister his behind
if he doesn't go

into the Navy.

-No, you're not, Dad.
-Oh, yeah?

What are you going to
do about it... sue me?

[laughing]

He just might.

I understand you won
your first case today.

Congratulations.

Thank you, sir.

-I'm sorry.
-No. I am sorry.

My mother is
completely out of control.

At least your dad
isn't throwing you

a bachelor party
at a strip club.

-Eww.
-I know.

Will you still marry me?

If you back out on me
now, I'm going to kill you.

Dad, you've had
too much to drink.

What, are you telling
me how to drive?

I'm just saying you've had
a lot to drink and you
should let me drive.

Yeah, well, I think
you should shut up

and get in the car,
or you can walk.

[Rabb]
It was nice to meet

your brother and your dad
today.

The Master Chief's
a real colorful guy.

[chuckles]

He's colorful, all right.

Spend enough time with
him, you end up black and blue.

He's abusive?

Let's just put it this way...
His idea of tough love

is bouncing your
head against a wall.

Wow.

If you feel this way
about him, Bud,

why did you invite
him to your wedding?

He's my dad.

You know how it is.

Harriet thought

he should be here.

Does Harriet know he's abusive?

No.
No. You can't tell

something like
that to your fiancee.

I think you might be
wrong about that one, Bud.

Abused kids become
abusive parents.

I'm afraid that
she'll think that

I'll want to hit our children.

I think Harriet knows
you a little better than that.

You try talking to him about it?

He only talks
about three things:

The Navy, baseball and women.

I'm worried about Mikey.

Well, maybe it's time to
take some action on this.

Bring it out in the open.

I spent a whole lifetime trying
to get away from all of that.

I don't know if I could
go through it again.

[Judge]
Seaman
Crothers, you have the right

to submit evidence
on your behalf

in extenuation and mitigation.

Your Honor, I'd just like
to apologize to the Navy

and to my unit
members for what I did.

I was young, stupid,
when I went U.A., and...

I didn't know how to fix it.

Thank you, sir.

Mr. Roberts, do you have any
argument to make on sentencing?

Your Honor, given Seaman
Crothers's conviction

of this offense,
desertion for ten years,

as well as the manner

in which his absence
was terminated,

the government submits

that his military service
was not honorable

and requests a bad
conduct discharge.

The government
further recognizes

that since Seaman Crothers
committed that offense

he's been an upstanding
citizen, an excellent employee

and a good provider
for his young family.

It is not the government's
desire nor intent

to cause his family to suffer

for Seaman
Crothers's youthful folly.

Therefore, the
government requests

that there be no forfeiture
of pay or confinement.

Your Honor, I concur with
Mr. Roberts' statement.

I find it both just
and compassionate.

Would the defendant please rise.

Seaman Robert Crothers, I hereby

sentence you with a
bad conduct discharge

and no further punishment.

This court-martial is adjourned.

[gavel raps]

Had a change of heart?

I think you were right, Major.

I shouldn't have
gone for desertion.

This is a lot more than
a law school exercise.

I'm impressed, Bud.

Come on. I'll buy you a
celebratory cappuccino.

You mind if I take a rain check?

I just want to sit
here for a minute.

Sure.

[Rabb]
Hi. I'm
looking for Joe Garvey.

Why?

Uh, there was

a mix-up at the dry cleaners.

I, uh, wound up with his uniform

and I think that he has mine.

He, uh, doesn't
live here anymore.

Are you a pilot?

Sometimes.

What airline?

The United States Navy.

I hear they're good.

You wouldn't happen to know

where I might find
Joe, would you?

Well, if he still has a job

he'll be working
9:00 to midnight

at the Rocketmen.

It's an alley club off Bedford.

Okay.

By chance, did he leave
a set of dress whites here?

I hope not.

I gave all of his stuff
to the Salvation Army.

I don't care what
my mother ordered!
I don't want a mermaid!

I want a swan!
No, no, no, you listen to me.

Listen. No!
No. I am getting married
in less than 24 hours,

so don't tell me
about pressure, okay?!

I'm about this
close to going bridal!

Now, if I don't see an ice swan
on my buffet table tomorrow,

somebody's going to
find you floating facedown

in a bouillabaisse!

Are you okay, Ensign?

Just peachy, Major.

I think that you
need to try to relax

and enjoy this, Harriet.

Look, why don't you let
me take you out tonight.

We can have dinner,
maybe a few laughs.

That'd be fun, but
my mom's planning

that stupid
girls'-night-out thing.

Oh, right.

Could it get any
worse than that?

You are still coming
with me, aren't you?

I mean, I know it's a lot
to ask and everything but...

I am your Maid
of Honor, Harriet.

I'm also a Marine. I think I can

handle your mother.

[groans nervously]

[dance music playing]

Sure you want to go
through with this, Admiral?

[Chegwidden] No.

Admiral, Commander.

Sorry. I had no idea
it was going to be like this.

-Don't worry about it.
-Sir, thank you for coming.
It really means a lot to me.

It's the least we could do, Bud.

Every condemned man
needs his last hurrah.

You're joking, right, sir?

I mean, about the
condemned part?

Course we are, Bud.

Marriage is the
greatest institution

on earth.

We're envious of you.

Well, then, sir...

Sir? Sir?

Why are you both
still single, then?

Envious, not stupid.

-[Mike] No, thanks.
-[Big Bud] Take it.

I don't like beer, Dad.

What do you mean
you don't like beer?

You want a pineapple
with an umbrella in it?

I've got a soda.

Hey, it's time you became a man.

Now, you either
take this beer...

Hey!

He said he didn't want the beer.

[chuckles]

Lucky for you, Buddy,

this is your bachelor party,

'cause I'm gonna
cut you some slack.

Come on, Mikey.

You don't have to follow him.

It's better that I do, Bud.

Bud.

I got to disappear for a while.

I got to talk to a guy
about my uniform.

You still don't have
your dress whites?

Sir, the wedding is tomorrow!
You're my best man!

You don't have
your dress whites,

I don't even know
if you can come!

Admiral, will you order
the Lieutenant to relax?

Relax, Lieutenant.

Aye, aye, sir.

[sighs]

Hey, any of you guys Joe Garvey?

He's onstage.

Hey, this area's off-limits.

The uniform belongs
to me, Buddy.

I just want the uniform.

-Wrong answer.
-Hey, pal, look.

I don't want any
trouble, all right?

I got a wedding in the morning.

I need the uniform.

Look, I'm warning you right now,

I'm a black belt.

Don't make me hurt you.

And I'm warning you right now.

I'm a lawyer.

Don't make me sue you.

Really?

Yeah.

You ever handle

any sexual harassment suits?

What?!

The owner here's got a bad habit

of pinching me
every time I walk past.

It's kind of humiliating.

Thanks.

[Big Bud] Commander!

Hey!

[laughing]

Commander, I thought
you'd abandoned ship on us.

Oh, oh, oh. Hey, girls!

Come over and meet
Commander Rabb!

Hey. Where's Bud?!

Last time I saw him,

he was moving towards the head

with one of the gals.

I didn't think he
had it in him myself.

I'll go get him.

Excuse me, ladies.

[chuckling]

Say, ladies...

you're not going to charge
me extra for this, are you?

Oh... well, what the hell.

Commander, where have you been?!

This party's getting
out of control!

I'll say.

You seen the Admiral, Bud?

They denied my
dad's credit card.

The Admiral's talking
to the club manager.

Wow. What's wrong with her?

I think she needs a doctor, sir.

Well, how much did
she have to drink?

Nothing.

I think it's morning sickness.

You're kidding, right?

No. I have a pregnancy
test in my purse.

I was going to
do it this afternoon

but I had a tort final
and I just ran out of time.

You're in law school?!

My third year at George Mason.

No way.

I'm in my second year.

Do you know Professor Wilton?

I hate to interrupt

this campus chat,
but I'd like to find

the Admiral.

Where's the manager's office?

Around the corner to the left.

Pardon?

Around the corner

to the left!

Thanks.

So, this is
your
bachelor party?

Yeah. I'm getting
married tomorrow.

So, who's the lucky lady?

Mother!

[giggling]

[announcer]
Show him
what you think of him, ladies.

[Harriet] No. No, thank you.

No, thank you!

Mother, we're going
home right now.

Darling, I still
have 60 bucks left.

How do you think
your father would look

in an outfit like that?

Mother, don't even go there!

Come on!

Come on.

Go.

Major, you have to do
me a humungous favor

and please take my
mother back to her hotel.

I really need to
see Bud right now.

Sure.

Thank you.

-Where's she going?
-To see Bud.

Well, why on earth
would she do that?

Because she loves him.

Oh.

Admiral.

Just gave that man all my cash

-and my watch as collateral.
-[man] $300... $320...

Well, I take it you're
ready to leave, then, sir.

Very.

Hi. I'm Big Bud.

You want to hear
something funny?

Why don't we
rescue the Lieutenant

on the way out, sir?

Dad, leave her alone.

[grunts]

[grunts]

Come on!

No, we got to help Bud.

It's every man for himself
in a bar fight. Move!

Whoa!

Whoa... whoa!

[Big Bud] Three, two, one, go!

My name is Admiral

A.J. Chegwidden.

-Yeah, I know.
-Remember me?

United States Navy
v. Seaman Moska?

-Did I defend you?
-Prosecuted.

Those handcuffs aren't
too tight, are they, sir?

Bud, what's going on?

Harriet! What are
you doing here?

Buddy, I'm pregnant!

[Mrs. Sims]
Harriet,
you have got to get a grip.

You are getting married
in less than half an hour.

No, Mother, I'm not.

It is not like a
Beaumont to quit.

I am not a Beaumont.

I'm an Ensign in the
United States Navy.

I am sick as a dog

and my fiance got beat up

by a pregnant
stripper last night.

[phone ringing]

Hello.

Uh, just a minute.

It's your future husband.

I have no idea
who that might be.

She's still getting
dressed, Bud.

I'll have her call you
when she's ready.

Okay.

Harriet's going to
call off the wedding.

She said that?

No, but...

she won't come to the phone.

Bud, she's probably
getting ready.

You know how long
it takes a woman
to get ready

just to go to the
store to buy milk?

This is her wedding day.

I'm sure she probably
started getting ready yesterday.

Yeah, you're probably right.

[knocking]

I got it.

Mikey.

Hey, Commander.

Hey, come on in.

Where's your dad?

I don't know, sir.

I went to the
motel from the club.

Never came home.

Come here, Mike.

Hey, Buddy.

You know, I'm sorry I
ran out on you last night.

What are you talking about?

You would have
never left me alone

in the middle of a fight.

Hey, come here.

Okay, look, we've got 15
minutes to get the chapel,

so let's get these Hollywood
sunglasses off of you and...

It was an accident.

The hell it was.

Okay, look, after
Harriet and I get married,

you're going to come
live with us, all right?

You'll go to school here.

No, Dad wants me
to go into the Navy.

The hell with what Dad wants.

Hey, your brother's right, Mike.

You have talent, man.

You should pursue it.

You're both in the Navy.

Doing what we want to do.

Your father was a naval aviator,
right, Commander?

Yeah.

Isn't that why you became one?

Probably...

My dad's a sailor.

Why couldn't I have had a son?

I don't know why
she gets like this.

She was a nice little girl.
Always so well-behaved.

Mother, why don't
you take a walk?

Don't talk to me
like that, young lady.

It's just nerves, Mrs. Sims.

Give her a minute
to collect herself.

I don't know why you can't
be more like Major MacKenzie.

[sighs]

You're going to
be okay, Harriet.

I feel like I'm going to puke.

Oh, nonsense.

You're just scared.

I have every reason to be.

All my parents do
are fight and bicker.

I don't want my marriage
to end up like that.

Harriet, everyone fights.

It's part of being human.

Yeah, but I want
it to be really great.

I probably sound like a sap.

Guess I'd have to agree
with that assessment, Ensign.

You are a sap.

You have got the greatest guy
who wants to make you his wife

and you're afraid to
get up off the couch.

Do you really think
we're going to be happy?

I think that you and Bud
are going to be as happy

as two people
have a right to be.

Now, get in your dress.

That's an order.

Yes, ma'am.

Thank you, Major.

You know, if I had a sister,

-I'd want her to
be just like you.
-Thank you, Harriet.

I think that's the nicest thing
anyone's ever said to me.

Well, dear, I'm glad to see

you've come to your senses.

-Mother, will you do me a favor?
-Anything, darling.

Don't talk to me for
the next 24 minutes.

Pardon me?

Mother, this is my day.

This is the husband that I want.

This is the life that I want.

So you can either enjoy the day

and you can share
in my happiness

or you can sashay
your southern belle
butt right back home.

And there is no middle ground.

[sighs]

Okay, so how do I look?

Like you went ten rounds

with Mike Tyson.

[knocking]

Come in.

Wow.

Spoken like a true Roberts.

All right, Mikey, let me
have a look at that shiner.

Don't worry, a little
cover-up makeup

will hide a multitude of sins.

I'm going to ruin
the wedding pictures.

Not once I'm done with you.

Looking good, Major.

It's okay?

There.

Let me see.

You look very handsome, Mikey.

How's my hair?

[laughing]

Well, well, well.

I... better check on Harriet.

You hit him last night.

You tell him that?

[Bud] He didn't have to.

[Big Bud] He was getting lippy.

[Bud] That doesn't give
you the right to hit him.

It does in my book.
I'm trying to make him tough.

Like you?

There's a difference between
being strong and being a bully.

It was for your own good.

Nobody ever picked
on you, did they?

Just guys like you.

Well, I'm sorry if I'm

no Mr.
Father Knows Best.

But they don't teach
child rearing in the Navy.

You made me hate you.

You guys...

you always had food to
eat, you had clean clothes

and you had a
roof over your head.

We could have gotten
that in an orphanage.

Yeah, well, I don't need
to take this from you,

Mr. Big Shot Lieutenant lawyer.

-Dad, don't.
-Yeah, what
are you gonna do about it?

-Stop it.
-Yeah? Make me.

-Dad, don't.
-You shut up

and keep out of this

or I'll close your other eye.

Don't you ever raise your fist

against Mikey or me again!

Come on, Mikey.

We're getting out of here.

It's Bud's wedding, Dad.

Yeah, well, you have an
appointment with a Navy
recruiter.

It's not your life. It's his.

Don't do it, Mikey.

Sorry, Bud.

You won't be seeing us

any time soon.

Mikey...

You'll always be
welcome in my life...

but I never want
to see
you
again.

[snorts]

[sobbing softly]

Dearly beloved, we have come
together in the presence of God

to witness and bless
the joining together

of this man and this woman

in holy matrimony.

Marriage is not intended

to be entered into unadvisedly

or lightly...

but reverently,
deliberately,

and in accordance
to the purposes

[whispers] Bud. for
which it is instituted by God.

I, Bud J. Roberts
Junior, take you,

Harriet Beaumont
Sims, to be my wife,

to have and to hold

from this day forward,
for better, for worse

for richer, for poorer,

through sickness and in health

to love and to cherish
until separated by death.

This is my solemn vow to you.

I, Harriet Beaumont Sims,

take you, Bud J. Roberts Junior,

to be my husband.

To have and to hold

from this day forward,

for better or for worse,
in sickness and in health,

for richer or for poorer,

to love and to cherish

until we are parted by death.

This is my solemn vow to you.

This ring is a symbol of my vow

with all that I am,
and all that I have.

I pronounce that you
are husband and wife.

[applause]

Hey! Hey!

Officers, draw...

swords.

Arch swords.

Blades to the wind.

Presenting, for the
first time in public,

Lieutenant J.G. and Mrs.
Bud J. Roberts Junior.

Go, Navy.

[Rabb] Return...

swords.

Officers...

dismissed.

[cheering and applause]

I've been waiting
a long time for this.

Ooh, so have I.

Wow!

Well, since everybody's
kissing the bride,

I guess I'll kiss the groom.

Red light, Commander.

-[chuckles]
-So, uh...

Do I get to kiss
the bride, Buddy?

I think you better,
little brother.

See you later.

Thanks, Mikey.

Excuse me, sir.

Hey, who's your friend?

[speaking Hindi]

Yes?

[chuckles]

Don't ask.