Original subtitles

MYSTERIOUS MUSIC

BOTH PANT

Oh, here we go!

PANTING: OK. OK, the mountain is talking to me. OK.

That's what I get for a night of climbing with no sleep,

the mountains start talking. Sure!

Why not? Hello!

Oh. Fancy seeing you two here!

Sorry. Have we met?

No, no, it's just, you know, funny seeing more humans.

We don't get many of you lot up this way.

Well, have you seen other humans recently?

Was it two children? Erm... yes and no.

What do you mean "yes and no"? Well, there was a little,

you know, sausage-head man no, no, no,

metal porcupine or something, no,

talking banana and a wiggly wee sea captain...

and, well, two children, so...

yes. Oh, thank goodness!

But if you're looking for children to eat for breakfast,

you know, you're gonna have to find some other ones,

because those two are probably being spread on toast by now.

What? Toast? Oh, I don't know.

Isn't that how you eat children, on toast?

Or was it something about soup? Breakfast soup rings a bell.

Yeah, that rings a bell. Oh, don't worry -

I'm sure you'll find some for your breakfast as well.

What kind of monster would want to eat children?

Badjelly! Oh...

# She's so lovely. #

You know what? Large talking mountain?

Bearded mountain, thank you. Bearded mountain...

with no beard. Right. This, er...

Badjelly has invited us for breakfast at her...

house... cottage. Castle.

At her castle, yes, and we're terribly late.

Could you possibly tell us the quickest way to get there?

Oh, no. No, no, no, no. No,

the quickest way is really embarrassing.

Please. It's very important we get there on time.

No, no, no. I couldn't possibly, no.

Tell us how to get to the castle!

ECHOES: No! Up his nose.

All right, what bit of nature said that?

Left nostril. There's nothing in his head,

it's just a big empty cavern

with a tunnel straight out the back.

Quickest way to the old crone's lair.

Cliff Mountainson!

That is no way to speak about your future stepmother!

Dad, come on. You're embarrassing yourself.

You've got visitors. Uh, so, uh, this seems like a

family issue. Er... Yeah, I think we'll just leave you to it. Hm?

Oh, no, no, please ignore him, he's only 27 million years old.

And should have moved out ages ago.

Oh, sure, Dad. I'll just get my legs out and walk round,

find somewhere else to go. That what you want, Dad?

I don't know. That's up to you, innit?

But aren't you tired of living in my shadow?

Don't flatter yourself. I'm south-facing,

I'm always in shadow. Oh, the cheek!

I wish an unconventionally attractive sorceress

would eat my kid.

Ooh, ooh. Hey. Argh!

Ooh, that feels weird.

Good luck, children-eaters. Hope you make it in time for brekkie.

We are not children-eaters, we are parents.

We love our kids, and we are going to save them.

Good day.

Pull me back up the nostril, Leo. Ooh! Argh!

Huh. So some kids have parents who don't want them to be eaten.

Must be nice. Oh, hush.

DARK, DRAMATIC MUSIC

LOW RUMBLING

WHOOSHING

ZAP

EVIL CACKLING ECHOES

OK. There's Lucy.

Time for Operation Free Lucy And Go Home!

Operation... FLAGH?

FLAGH? That needs workshopping.

Mm-mm. No time. It'll have to do.

OK, what's the plan? How are we gonna get her out of there?

Well, I don't suppose you've gotten any better at one-handed climbing

in the last few days? Oh, you mean this old thing?

My Cast of Capability? I think I can handle it.

No. Seriously, I can handle it.

OK, there's a window below the castle.

I think if we shimmy up that chain...

Shimmy, check.

..then scoot across the ledge...

Shimmy, scoot, check, check.

..I think we'll be able to drop down

to that floating rock and hop across to the window.

Shimmy, scoot, drop, hop - check, check, check, check.

Wait. What? That's how we get in,

but how are we gonna get Lucy out?

That's step two. And?

And we'll figure out step two once we've done step one.

Come on!

Yes! This is the big sister I know and love.

Wait up!

BINKLEBONK: Onward! Ha-ha!

Silly old eagle. Doesn't know what fun he's missing out on.

Oh, but did you see how I fixed his wing?

Oh, I saw. Fine work, First Mate Binklebonk.

HE CHUCKLES Oh! Oh, come on, now.

I'm sure you've had other mates before me,

but I appreciate the sentiment.

Uh, no, the first mate is the captain's assistant -

they're in charge of the rest of the crew.

Oh.

All right, Rusty, hoist the mainsail!

Argh! Oh! GROANS

MUFFLED: Did I do that right? Does hoisting the mainsail

stop the ship abruptly, does it, injuring all the crew?

Was that first-mate-ing good there?

Oh.

Oh, well, that's as far as we go, I guess. Shame, really -

they seemed like nice kids.

SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC

Ugh! It's just a big stupid catch-22 -

I need my powers to find those kids,

but I need those kids to restore my powers!

Ugh. Why can't things just be easy?

All this gal wants is eternal unlimited power -

is that too much to ask?

SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC

I'm so sick of not being able

to control my powers any more. Argh!

Argh!

STOMACH GRUMBLES

Oh, you can say that again, grumbly tum.

I suppose I could just have a little bit as-is.

SLURPS, GULPS

Ugh! Definitely not boy-girly enough.

Also needs salt.

What's the...? Oh, come on!

I can't even conjure a little salt!

And I'm out. Great! LAUGHS

Just great! OINKING

Urgh! Ugh. What's your deal?

I'm terribly sorry, I guess I'm just

not very good at this job.

Perhaps you'd like to turn me back into a real pig? OINKS

Can't understand you. Goodbye!

See you later! CLATTER

Oh. HISSES

Come on!

SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC

Maybe a nice cup of tea - a little something

to get me back in touch with myself.

Just... a little... light...

levitation.

WHIMPERS

ROSE GRUNTS

GRUNTS

TINKLY MUSIC

Oh, come on!

Well, what good are you?

Are you going to find me those stinky-poo children?

FOOTSTEPS RETREAT

Oh! Useless.

Ow! Come on!

I'm sorry, Rusty -

there are plenty of goblin- and worm-sized gaps,

but I don't see any large-metal-lion-sized ones.

Oh, that's OK. Enjoy the rest of your journey!

I'll never forget you.

Hope it doesn't rain, eh. No, Rusty,

we're not leaving you behind. That's right, actually.

If you go home, we all go home, OK?

So, yep, I guess we go home. Oh.

Guys...

I think I've found another way.

Now what?

SCARY, GRUFF VOICE: I'll feast on your bones!

WHOOSH

Right. Well, I'm an invertebrate, but point taken.

Maybe there's a secret word to make it open.

GRUFFLY: There isn't! Oh,

there's gotta be some way to open it.

GRUFFLY: Any attempts to pass will be fu...

COUGHS ..will be futi...

CLEARS THROAT

NORMAL VOICE ..futile.

Oh, sorry. Doing that scary voice is exhausting.

Do you mind if I keep it casual? Oh, please do.

Listen, we need to get through you to get to Badjelly's castle.

Right. Um...

SCARILY: Denied!

CHUCKLES

NORMAL VOICE: No, but, seriously, you're denied.

It's nothing to do with you guys; You look great. I... I...

my job is to stop folks such as yourselves from passing.

Traditional gate work. OK.

I respect your commitment to the job, but...

CUTESY VOICE: Any chance you could just make

a little-widdle exception?

Stopping weird goblins is top of the list, mate.

And whatever it is that you're doing is... it's weird.

That's "wude". Guys, could I get a quick huddle going?

I've got an idea. Hey!

So... what are you... What are you guys talking about?

Everyone knows the shortest distance between

two points is... Displacement.

No, it's... Well, no.

Well, yeah, but that's not what I mean.

Up the nose is what I'm talking about.

Well, when you say it like that, it sounds obvious.

Excuse me! Do you not know it is rude to whisper

when other people are around?

Sorry. We were just having a wee catch-up.

Just discussing, erm, the weather.

Oh, yeah, it's a lovely temperature, really... Hey. Wait.

What are you doing?

This! SHE GRUNTS

COUGHS, SPLUTTERS

MUFFLED: Oi! Not cool, guys!

Not cool!

You've left me in a vulnerable position!

BADJELLY: Come on, cabinet of horrors.

There's gotta be something in here,

after all these years of nightmarish experiments.

Yikes! I really am quite the hoarder.

I don't even know what this is.

A fairy shredder?

Oh, no, wait - it's a cheese grater.

Wondered where that had got to.

OK, now what's step two?

Pathetic! Cabinet of horrors?

Cupboard of embarrassments, more like.

It's not fair, cow!

All I want is something to help me

sniff out those stinky-poo kids!

MOOS

Yeah. You're right.

This is why we're pals - you have great ideas,

you do. He's useless.

But that voluminous proboscis would come in handy right now.

Dulboot!

Where is that good-for-nothing mega-doofus?

ENCHANTING MUSIC

BIRDS TWITTER

Look at that - look at you under that tree.

Put you there, that's nice.

I do so have friends.

Sorry you all got turned into old boots, guys.

You all right there, mate?

Oh, yeah. Uh, yeah, the b-b-boots are friends of mine.

CHUCKLES

Sure they are. Whatever makes you happy, son.

Nothing! SIGHS

You see what I'm dealing with, cow?

Of course you do. You get me, Lucy.

Er, nope I can't get used to that silly name.

I'm sticking with "cow".

LAUGHS I know, I know -

my dainty wee snoot isn't quite up to the task.

You know what, though?

You have pretty big boogie-holes, cow.

Want to help me sniff out some grubby little kids?

Nah, you're right - you only eat grass.

Not much use to me, are you, you big herbivore?

MUFFLED: Ow! What did you say?

MOOS

Quite right, cow, they can't be that far away.

Ow.

Please tell me you've figured out the rest of the plan.

Well, this looks like the front door,

so we could just go out the front door.

Works for me.

SIGHS Come on, Lucy.

Let's get you ho... Hey, cow!

Oh.

Oh. Where are you off to?

Is it tinkle time?

When you've gotta go, you've got to go.

I'd rather that than you doing it inside again.

Just keep an eye out for those miserable children,

will you?

BOTH EXHALE This way, Lucy.

Told you I'd figure out step two.

Ooh. Not very hoof-friendly.

You don't happen to have a step three, do you?

Ugh! Trespassers.

Those two are small,

but I don't think they count as children.

Hoo-hoo! There they are! Shush!

Come on. We don't want You Know Who to hear us.

Oh. Who do I know?

You know. Who?

Exactly. Yeah.

DISTANT MOO That must be Lucy!

BOTH GRUNT

I thought they said she was a cow.

Yeah. That's a cow?

Wait. What have I been picturing?

Rose, we have to get out of here.

I know. Over here!

OK. Get Lucy down here. Are you sure?

It seems like we're just gonna get stuck on a floating rock.

Hurry! HE GRUNTS

Ooh. Whoa. Ooh.

Yes! OK, now come here and push.

BOTH GRUNT

HE GASPS Rose, look!

Oh, you came! Of course we came!

What do you think, we're gonna just turn around and go home

at the slightest monster gate?

So, yeah, we're a bit stuck.

Tim!

Binklebonk! Reach!

Sorry, sorry, sorry!

It's OK! It's OK. Everybody pull!

Pull! ALL GRUNT

Look, I'll tell you what I told the last chap -

selling metal lions door-to-door is stupid!

I make my ow... Huh?

SCREAMS

Get them!

BOTH: Argh!

DRAMATIC MUSIC

ROSE: Rusty!

Run!

When I'm done eating you in my boy-girl soup,

I'm going to turn your bones into a novelty xylophone,

and it's going to sound terrible!

GRUMBLES And you!

Well, we're still pals, but we're going to have words.

SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC

Come on! Just a little burst!

ZAP

SCOFFS Wonderful(!)

Didn't even go straight.

Whoa! Whoa!

Argh! THUD

DRAMATIC MUSIC

Rose! Tim!

Rusty! GRUNTS

Get out of it! GRUNTS

Ow. OK, change of tactic.

GRUNTS

SNIFFS

BOTH GRUNT

Ow! Uh, rock,

rock, one-two...

throck? Please stop doing...

Oh, no, that's nothing.

Ooh!

ROCK GROWLS, THEN CHUCKLES

Oh! Rusty! Help!

Yes, Rusty! Help! Ooh!

Where's Dinglemouse when you need her?

Oh, forget that treacherous little thief!

What? Yeah, she banana-split on us!

Really?

Sorry. I've been dying to say it.

GROWLS, GRUNTS

GRUNTS

Bad news...

I refilled it.

GASPS

CACKLES

GASPS

I've been salted. No!

Well, isn't this delicious?

Here you all are, right on my doorstep,

at my mercy,

and oops! I'm all out of mercy.

CACKLES Sorry, children.

You're back on the menu.

GRUNTS Enough! Let us go,

and stop terrorising the good folks of the Dark Forest!

Yes. I remember you.

You're the coward who hid from me.

Well, I'm not scared of you any more.

Oh, yes, you are.

SNIFFS

Ahhhh. I can smell it on you.

Your family must be so proud.

Oh, wait. They can't be, because they're acorns.

SHE CACKLES TIM: And that's another thing -

turn Binklebonk's family back! Or what, my little amuse-bouche?

Ah. You're the one I made.

Such a disappointing, silly cat.

Listen. Here's a deal, coward elf.

I'll turn your family back -

just leave me these delectable children

and walk away with your silly cat.

All right?

He's not my silly cat.

Oh, and no -

no deal.

BOTH EXHALE

Very well, then.

I'll eat you all!

BINKLEBONK WHIMPERS Ooh!

ROCK GROWLS

What did you do?

Er, what do you mean?

Your friends needed you, and you didn't help them.

Do you want to see your friends, metal moggy?

You do? Come on, then.

Hey, look it all worked out.

No hard feelings, babe.

CACKLES EVILLY

CONTINUES CACKLING

GATE GRUNTS

Finally! OK.

Next time, guard the nostrils.

HUMS Ooh, look at you.

What a bizarre design.

If that's not the face of someone who needs a pick-me-up,

I don't know what is. I shall crush your bo...

LAUGHS

What a laugh! You don't talk like that all the time, do ya?

Oh, I do.

And it's so taxing. And frankly,

it's not even having the desired effect.

Earlier today, there was a group they just walked

straight through me, you know?

I've got one job, and I failed.

Oh, mate. You're breaking my heart.

You know what? Sometimes, life throws us obstacles,

and we have to persevere, take a deep breath,

reset, and try again.

GATE SIGHS I really needed to hear that.

Thank you so much.

Oh, no worries.

Anyway, speaking of obstacles, you're actually in my way,

so I'm just gonna... Whoop! Ah.

BIRD CHUCKLES Keep up the great work.

DARK, DRAMATIC MUSIC

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