Original subtitles

SCREAMING

GASPS

WHIMPERS

GASPS

Did you really think those tiny little legs

were going to help you get away?

GASPS

SHE CACKLES, HE YELPS

SHE LAUGHS MANIACALLY

WHOOSHING

GROWLS

Hello, Badjelly. I see you've made quite the mess.

Best I clean it up.

Jim the Eagle.

Bleurgh! How utterly irritating to see.

That gem - what's it done to my magic?

It's absorbed your magic like a freshly wrung sponge

absorbs a spilt dandelion tea.

Ugh. I forgot how long-winded you are.

JIM LAUGHS

Prepare to feel the long wind of my wings.

That doesn't even make...

Eagle lunge! ..seeeense!

Argh! JIM LAUGHS

No! Argh... STAMMERS

You... SPUTTERS

Ha-ha... JIM YELPS

Argh!

Is this the end of Jim? THEY WAIL

GASPS Ha!

GROWLS, GROANS

Thank you. Oh...

CACKLING ECHOES

NARRATOR: Once upon a time, there was a little boy and girl,

and their names were Tim and Rose.

MOOS

KITTEN MEOWS Heh! Fluffybum!

KITTEN MEOWS, CHUCKLING

Fluffybum! Fluffybum! Fluffybum!

KITTEN MEOWS, ROSE GIGGLES

DAD GRUNTS, DOOR OPENS

Oh, she's coming! Ugh...

Dad, pause your weird posing.

I'm not posing.

It's yoga, and it's good for increased flexibility

and muscle strength.

Also, I'm stuck like this.

ALL: Happy birthday, Rose!

DAD GRUNTS Oh, erm...

Thanks, you guys.

Oh... Oh, just a mo.

I haven't had much time to trial this, but it should work.

'HAPPY BIRTHDAY' PLAYS OFF-KEY

Boom! The dog can play the piano. BOTH LAUGH

That's great, Mum. Ha-ha. Very great.

Well done, love. But whose dog is it?

Erm... GROWLS

No idea.

PLAYS DISCORDANT MUSIC

You should open your present.

It's not a book.

Then I have everything planned out.

As usual, I have a bunch of games and activities planned -

some of them not approved by the parental units.

Tim, you are not making a human launcher again.

It was a person pitcher, and I only broke 25% of my limbs.

Actually, I'd just like to read my book for a bit today.

She just needs a little space.

You'll understand when you get a bit older too.

STRAINS

GRUNTS

RUMBLING

GRUNTS

GROWLS I don't need your help, thank you!

Nope. Tried it.

Nope. Didn't work in the slightest.

That one hurt. Stinkypoo, stinkypoo!

Knickers, knickers, knickers! Gah!

GROANS

How's a witch supposed to get her powers back

when these books are full of useless nonsense?

I want nonsense that works!

SIGHS Nothing!

What's this?

Huh. A hidden spell.

An ingestible restorative potion

for returning one's powers to full capacity.

CACKLES Well, that sounds perfectly me.

Carrots, leeks.

Parsnips, milk, salt, pepper,

a boy and a girl.

Ugh, I hate parsnips, and I'm fresh out of boys and girls.

But I'm sure I could find some. CHUCKLES WICKEDLY

Dulboot! THUNDEROUS FOOTSTEPS

Dulboot, you're going to help me find some children.

It seems boy-girl soup is on the menu.

HE GRUNTS

Keen for a little game of Me My Moo?

Me... my...

Oh! Just... Oh, maybe a bit later.

..moo!

MOOS

HE CHUCKLES Nice one, Lucy!

Now your turn. Huh?

Sorry. Maybe a bit later, OK? SHE GRUNTS

She used to be so much fun,

but now she wants all this alone time and personal space

and other things dumb grown-ups say.

Plus, Me My Moo is an all-time classic.

How can you not love a game

where you have to moo longer than the person before you?

LUCY MOOS

Sorry, or cow before you.

SIGHS

Must be nice to have snacks wherever you go, Lucy.

GRUNTS No. Wait!

Oh!

PANTS And action leap!

Oh!

Still only one broken arm. Nice.

SIGHS Well, Lucy, that's gone forever.

Lucy?

Nope. Just a cow poop.

Oh, no.

Hey, I'm sorry about before.

We could maybe play a game now. Me My Moo?

Uh... can I interest you in a long-distance Me My Moo?

HE CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY

What does that mean?

Tim, why are you doing that weird face?

Because I left the gate open and Lucy got out.

Tim, what have Mum and Dad told you about that gate?

Well, technically, they never said,

"Don't leave the gate open if you're chasing a balloon."

Balloon? What... What are you on about?

I got you a birthday balloon.

It's got a baboon on it. It's a baboon balloon.

A babloon.

HE CHUCKLES

Well, guess she can't have gone too far.

I can't see anything but clouds.

GASPS Dulboot!

You've lifted me too high, you fool! GROANS

Argh! Oh!

Ah! Ah! Ooh... Ooh.

I'm gonna feel that tomorrow... and other tomorrows.

INHALES SHARPLY

Well, this isn't much better.

All I can see is trees and... Sea.

Oh, Badjelly. Hello. Is that you?

Havin' a peek, I see, hm?

Ugh, that guy's weird.

SCOFFS This is useless.

Time for plan B.

Ooh, maybe we should play Me My Moo to find her. Fine.

Yes! Me, my... moo.

Moo!

LUCY MOOS IN DISTANCE

What? How did she get so far away so quickly?

HE SIGHS Cows. Deceptively speedy.

Look at that. You never cease to amaze me.

Should I get the kids to come see? No. Leave them to play outside.

Plus, I call it the Alone Together.

It's an isolation pod... for two. Lovely.

At first, I thought it was an old portable toilet.

Oh, right. That's exactly what it is.

Once inside - that smell will fade, eventually -

we'll experience complete seclusion from the outside world,

alone with our thoughts, dreams and feelings...

together.

Won't you join me?

Aw, look at that. So... cosy. Ah...

And once I've finished the internal lock system, we can give it a whirl.

FLUFFYBUM MEOWS Oh, look, it's Fluffybum!

MEOWS

RATTLING

So, for clarity, still working on the internal lock system?

Mm. Yep. So we're locked in.

'Fraid so. Got it.

I don't know why we didn't just do this in the first place.

OK, magic bowl thingy.

Show me children for soup in my area.

Nothing, nothing, nothing...

Oh, I didn't know we had a Bumbley Burger nearby.

Come on. Where are the children?

Surely they haven't all been eaten already.

Well, would you look at that?

Seems we have a couple of kiddies just beyond the Dark Forest.

I've never been there.

Ah, I hear it's just lovely.

I must destroy it sometime.

Dulboot!

Use those massive legs and go get me those children.

And take some radishes! Children love radishes.

I don't know if we should be this far away from home, Tim.

Lucy's moos are getting closer. I'm sure we'll find her soon.

Whoa, beware!

Turn back! Go no further.

The Dark Forest is no place for children.

No place at all.

The Dark Forest? Sounds perfect for children.

Those who enter never return.

Um, sir, we're not going into the Dark Forest.

We're just looking for our cow. A cow, you say? Hmm.

With a hat of straw and ribbon? Hmm? Yes! Yes, that's our Lucy.

Oh, yeah, I just saw her down the road.

We had a wonderful chat.

We're gonna start a ska band together.

MAN IMITATES TRUMPET I wanna call us Udder Madness.

She's not convinced.

I'm not crazy. You're crazy.

Goodbye! Turn back. Go no further.

MAN SCAT SINGS

THUNDEROUS FOOTSTEPS

OK, two carrots, finely chopped.

This is so boring. I'm a witch, not a greasy kitchen hand!

I'll just wait for Dulboot to get home.

He loves mundane grunt work.

THUNDEROUS FOOTSTEPS

ROSE: Lucy!

I can see her!

BOTH: Lucy! MOOS

Lucy!

I can't believe you opened the gate all on your own and escaped.

So naughty. SHE GIGGLES

Yeah, they're not gonna buy that. Tim, wait. Look.

I think that's the Dark Forest.

Whoa! Let's go check it out. No, no, no.

You heard what that weird old man said about that place.

We need to call Lucy over to us.

BOTH: Lucy!

THUNDEROUS FOOTSTEPS

I'll be fine.

You have to think about these things, Tim.

Oh, I'm thinking, thinking about jumping this fence.

Sometimes, I wish you'd grow up! Well, I wish you'd grow down!

That doesn't even make sense. Yes, it does.

Yeah, if you've got a silly brain. Says you!

Yeah, exactly. I said it. And it sounded dumb.

You're so frustrating sometimes!

OK. Now what does that weird face mean?

G-G-G... G-Giant hand! What?

A giant hand just lured Lucy into the forest!

SHE LAUGHS Yeah, they're not gonna buy that.

Oh. We can maybe pick some flowers to entice Lucy over.

No. Lucy's gone!

Great! We've lost her again.

She's gone into the forest. What... What do we do?

We go on an adventure to rescue Lucy

from that giant monster, that's what.

But, Tim, there's no such thing as a giant monster!

Where is that giant buffoon?

Meh, I'm just going to have a cup of tea without him.

Ning nang nilly, teacup filly!

Stinkypoo!

Stupid faulty magic!

That was the last of Nana Jelly's good china.

It's a good thing she's dead. Boohoo!

CACKLES MANIACALLY

CACKLES Oh, I'm bored.

Hurry up, Dulboot!

How long does it take to nab a couple of kids

and throw 'em in a sack?

THUNDEROUS FOOTSTEPS

GASPS Oh, he's home! He's home!

CHUCKLES OK. Badjelly, keep it cool.

Don't want him to think he's the bee's knees.

And what time do you call this? Who's the bee's knees?

Oh, I forgot his ears are giant too.

I said "bee sneeze". I thought I heard a bee sneeze.

Oh, right, well, yeah, it is allergy season. Yeah, yeah.

Ain't that the truth?

Ugh. SNIFFS

Enough chit-chat. Where are those grubby little children?

Oh, they tried to fool me,

but I could see through their cunning disguise.

STAMMERS EXCITEDLY

I know a couple of kids in a horse costume when I see it.

Uh...

Do you? You know it when you see it, do you?

This is not a couple of kids in a horse costume.

This is a couple of kids in a cow costume,

you feeble-faced fool!

And I'm going to rip them out of there!

Oh, that is... Oh... MUTTERS

Hmm. Huh.

There must be a zip somewhere.

Ready or not, here I...

SHE YELLS

Dulboot! This is a real cow!

Good thing you didn't try the, um... the other end, then. Ha.

To restore my powers, I need boy-girl soup.

To make boy-girl soup, I need children.

And you brought me a filthy old cow! MOOS

Tim, stop touching everything. Uh, how can I not touch this thing?

Whoa! It popped!

HE SPLUTTERS Ugh...

I see that.

I had my tongue out. I tasted it. What if it was poisonous?

Nah... Nah, not poisonous, just gross.

HE CHUCKLES Come on, Rose.

Lucy's tracks go this way.

Whoa!

Do you think we could grow some of these glowy mushrooms at home?

I doubt it. Looks like they need very specific conditions.

Under my bed is pretty dark and gross and damp and awesome.

Yeah, that's why I don't play hide and seek any more.

I know.

Hey, maybe once we get Lucy,

you can choose a weird glowy mushroom,

and we can see if it'll grow in your gross, slimy, underbed garden.

How about that?

I want a pink one! Nong.

Nong.

Whoa! Ning.

You have to try this.

MUSHROOMS: # Ning, nang Nong, nong

# Ning, nang Nong, nong

# Ning, nong Ning, nang

# Ning, nong Ning, nong

# Ning, nang Ning, nang

# Ning, ning, ning Ning-ning

# Ning, ning, ning Ning, ning, ning

# Ning, ning, ning Ning, ning, ning

# Ning, ning, ning Ning, ning, ning... #

CHUCKLES

MUSHROOM SCREAMS, SHE GASPS

Ugh. That one's out of tune.

Oh, no. No, this can't be happening. No, no... What?

The tracks. Where are the tracks?

Oh, no, no, no, no, no...

Rose. I don't think we came this way.

Rose! SHE GRUNTS

Whoa! HE GRUNTS

Oh, we don't know where she went.

And it goes on forever. She could be anywhere.

Maybe if we go back, we can retrace our steps.

Maybe if we had been concentrating rather than mucking around,

we wouldn't be lost.

Hey. No. I'm sorry. This is my fault.

I'm... I'm supposed to be the responsible one.

HE CLEARS THROAT

You don't have to be. You're still a kid.

DEEP GROWL, THUD

Stop touching the mushrooms, Tim.

I did not touch anything.

THUDDING, GROWLING

We have to move.

See? Told you there was a giant monster.

Tim, we have to move. Uh... The tree!

We need to get up as high as we can.

I can't climb that! Yes, you can.

You're the best tree climber I know. Oh. Yeah. Mrs Farnes' tree.

You were always better at getting to the top than me.

GRUNTS

GROWLING, THUDDING Er... Erm...

Argh... Come on. Oh!

GROWLING Oh!

Hey! I've got you.

BOTH GRUNT, STRAIN

SHE GRUNTS Whoa. Where are we, Rose?

THUNDER RUMBLES

I don't know, Tim. I really don't know.

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