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1
00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:06,680
This programme contains
strong language and adult humour
from the start
2
00:00:07,760 --> 00:00:09,760
Have you got a condom?
INTERCOM PINGS
3
00:00:09,800 --> 00:00:11,120
My wallet's in my bag.
4
00:00:11,160 --> 00:00:13,480
And it doesn't have
any condoms in it.
5
00:00:13,519 --> 00:00:16,040
Oh, I think I might have one. OK.
6
00:00:19,760 --> 00:00:21,120
Must've fallen out. Oh.
7
00:00:22,400 --> 00:00:23,680
I mean, we could still...
8
00:00:24,959 --> 00:00:25,959
Erm...
9
00:00:27,319 --> 00:00:28,519
What about disease?
10
00:00:30,239 --> 00:00:33,040
You what? Oh, I'm not suggesting
you've got anything.
11
00:00:33,080 --> 00:00:35,519
No, it's just that
advert from the '80s.
12
00:00:35,559 --> 00:00:37,000
"AIDS. Don't die of AIDS."
13
00:00:37,040 --> 00:00:39,519
Scared the life out of me
when I first saw it.
14
00:00:39,559 --> 00:00:42,160
I think it's, "AIDS.
Don't die of ignorance."
15
00:00:42,199 --> 00:00:43,720
I saw it on TikTok.
16
00:00:43,760 --> 00:00:45,639
Pretty sure it's,
"AIDS. Don't die of AIDS."
17
00:00:45,680 --> 00:00:48,279
No. It's, "AIDS. Don't die
of ignorance."
18
00:00:48,319 --> 00:00:49,959
Why would it be,
"AIDS. Don't die of AIDS."
19
00:00:50,000 --> 00:00:51,639
Well...
That's a terrible slogan.
20
00:00:51,680 --> 00:00:54,319
Well, let's just agree to disagree,
shall we? OK.
21
00:00:54,360 --> 00:00:56,919
Could all passengers please
return to their seats,
22
00:00:56,959 --> 00:00:59,040
as we begin our descent
into Manchester Airport.
23
00:00:59,080 --> 00:01:00,480
Are we doing this then or what?
24
00:01:00,519 --> 00:01:02,680
Sure, yeah. And I'll just finish in
the sink to be sensible.
25
00:01:02,720 --> 00:01:04,080
Yeah. OK.
26
00:01:05,959 --> 00:01:07,680
Oh, I'm Ben, by the way. Gemma.
27
00:01:26,319 --> 00:01:28,040
Hiya, Rita.
28
00:01:28,080 --> 00:01:30,040
You're nearly an hour late, lady.
29
00:01:30,080 --> 00:01:32,199
Yeah, I had to get
the bus from Cheadle.
30
00:01:32,239 --> 00:01:34,800
What were you doing in Cheadle? Hmm.
31
00:01:34,839 --> 00:01:37,440
Who were you doing in Cheadle?
I mean, I'm not judging.
32
00:01:37,480 --> 00:01:39,040
I was the same at her age.
33
00:01:39,080 --> 00:01:40,720
I'm the same at my age.
34
00:01:40,760 --> 00:01:42,400
SHE CHUCKLES
35
00:01:42,440 --> 00:01:45,080
Oh, you can take those off,
Stevie Wonder.
36
00:01:45,120 --> 00:01:47,599
I don't want people thinking
I employ wankers.
37
00:01:47,639 --> 00:01:49,639
I've got a reputation to think of.
Hmm?
38
00:01:50,800 --> 00:01:53,239
His name's Liam. He's a painter.
39
00:01:53,279 --> 00:01:55,360
Oh, did you take his business card?
40
00:01:55,400 --> 00:01:57,800
I've been after someone to
give my boxroom a lick.
41
00:01:57,839 --> 00:01:58,919
As in artist.
42
00:02:00,800 --> 00:02:02,440
Bloody hell, has this got
vodka in it?
43
00:02:02,480 --> 00:02:03,839
Hair of the dog.
44
00:02:03,879 --> 00:02:05,680
So tell us about this new one, then.
45
00:02:05,720 --> 00:02:07,360
I'm not going to see him again.
46
00:02:07,400 --> 00:02:09,559
Wears the same deodorant as me dad.
47
00:02:09,599 --> 00:02:12,040
Very off putting at
a pivotal moment.
48
00:02:12,080 --> 00:02:15,000
How is your hunky dad?
Have you seen him, Winnie?
49
00:02:15,040 --> 00:02:16,480
Oof!
50
00:02:16,519 --> 00:02:18,199
Do you think he's ready for love
again?
51
00:02:18,239 --> 00:02:21,199
Maybe with a sexually adventurous
salon owner?
52
00:02:21,239 --> 00:02:23,440
I've told you, you're not his type.
53
00:02:23,480 --> 00:02:25,519
I'm everybody's type, Gemma.
54
00:02:26,839 --> 00:02:28,519
What's his new place like, then?
55
00:02:28,559 --> 00:02:30,839
I don't know, I haven't
been round yet.
56
00:02:30,879 --> 00:02:32,639
I know, he keeps asking.
57
00:02:32,680 --> 00:02:34,199
I'll go later actually.
58
00:02:37,639 --> 00:02:41,919
# I work all night
59
00:02:41,959 --> 00:02:45,040
# I do my thing
60
00:02:46,319 --> 00:02:50,720
# Just killin' time
61
00:02:50,760 --> 00:02:53,800
# Need a friend
62
00:02:55,239 --> 00:03:00,199
# Is this my life beginning or... #
63
00:03:03,400 --> 00:03:04,599
Dad, it's Gemma.
64
00:03:04,639 --> 00:03:06,160
DOOR BUZZES
65
00:03:19,800 --> 00:03:21,680
Gemma.
66
00:03:21,720 --> 00:03:25,480
Hey, I'm so glad you've
finally got to see the place. Huh?
67
00:03:25,519 --> 00:03:27,919
I know it's not Buckingham Palace,
but it'll do.
68
00:03:27,959 --> 00:03:29,720
And it's all I can afford...
69
00:03:29,760 --> 00:03:30,879
..for now!
70
00:03:32,720 --> 00:03:33,959
I shouldn't even be here.
71
00:03:35,160 --> 00:03:37,760
I mean, I wasn't the one having
the affair, was I?
72
00:03:39,839 --> 00:03:42,120
Have you seen your mother?
She's in Paris.
73
00:03:42,160 --> 00:03:44,239
Oh, God, Paris!
74
00:03:44,279 --> 00:03:47,400
I mean, what's Paris got
that this place hasn't, eh?
75
00:03:47,440 --> 00:03:49,559
Art, culture,
76
00:03:49,599 --> 00:03:51,040
a vibrant jazz scene.
77
00:03:51,080 --> 00:03:53,559
It's the cheese, isn't it? Eh?
78
00:03:53,599 --> 00:03:56,120
She has gone for the cheese.
79
00:03:56,160 --> 00:03:57,760
Yeah, she's gone for the cheese.
80
00:03:59,199 --> 00:04:00,360
Sorry. No.
81
00:04:00,400 --> 00:04:02,919
It's quite trendy these days
actually, to drink out of jam jars.
82
00:04:02,959 --> 00:04:04,080
Oh, aye?
83
00:04:04,120 --> 00:04:06,760
Is it trendy to have a wee
in them an all?
84
00:04:06,800 --> 00:04:08,319
Don't worry.
85
00:04:08,360 --> 00:04:11,800
I put an X on that one
so I don't get them mixed up.
86
00:04:11,839 --> 00:04:14,160
Yeah, you don't really want to use
the facilities here
87
00:04:14,199 --> 00:04:15,680
if you can help it.
88
00:04:15,720 --> 00:04:18,279
Oh, my God,
I want to die!
89
00:04:19,480 --> 00:04:20,919
That's Derek.
90
00:04:20,959 --> 00:04:22,160
Yeah.
91
00:04:22,199 --> 00:04:24,160
He runs the gaff.
92
00:04:24,199 --> 00:04:25,559
He was married for 12 years
93
00:04:25,599 --> 00:04:27,559
and his wife won't let him
see the kids.
94
00:04:27,599 --> 00:04:30,279
Oh, God, what is that?
Oh, sorry.
95
00:04:30,319 --> 00:04:31,639
It's just erm...
96
00:04:31,680 --> 00:04:34,279
Yeah, that's just a, you know,
that's just a damp patch
97
00:04:34,319 --> 00:04:36,000
where I've... I've been crying.
98
00:04:36,040 --> 00:04:39,160
If I can keep myself together
tonight, that'll dry out nicely.
99
00:04:40,319 --> 00:04:42,440
BANGING ON DOOR
Malcolm?
100
00:04:42,480 --> 00:04:44,239
Malcolm, open up, mate.
101
00:04:44,279 --> 00:04:45,919
I've run out of chocolate spread...
Derek.
102
00:04:45,959 --> 00:04:49,639
..because some fucking DEAD MAN
at work stole mine.
103
00:04:51,239 --> 00:04:54,400
Hey, Derek, come in.
104
00:04:54,440 --> 00:04:56,480
Yeah, I've got some somewhere.
105
00:04:58,959 --> 00:05:00,559
Oh, er, that's my daughter, Gemma.
106
00:05:00,599 --> 00:05:02,599
Hiya. Hey.
107
00:05:02,639 --> 00:05:04,160
Hey, lovely to meet you.
108
00:05:07,319 --> 00:05:09,400
Are you wearing Lovely
by Sarah Jessica Parker?
109
00:05:10,480 --> 00:05:12,160
Yeah!
110
00:05:12,199 --> 00:05:13,879
I got a bit heavy handed in Boots
earlier.
111
00:05:13,919 --> 00:05:17,000
I sat in something. A pie I think.
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Gorgeous.
112
00:05:17,040 --> 00:05:18,680
At least I hope it was a pie.
113
00:05:18,720 --> 00:05:21,360
I adore Lovely
by Sarah Jessica Parker.
114
00:05:21,400 --> 00:05:22,800
Top three smells.
115
00:05:22,839 --> 00:05:24,639
CHUCKLING
116
00:05:24,680 --> 00:05:28,720
Hey, you, erm, this might seem
a little forward, but...
117
00:05:28,760 --> 00:05:30,760
..would you be interested
in dinner tomorrow night?
118
00:05:30,800 --> 00:05:32,120
I know a great Italian.
119
00:05:35,959 --> 00:05:38,639
Sorry, has she...she got
a boyfriend? Or a husband?
120
00:05:38,680 --> 00:05:41,440
Umm... Dad, no, I don't.
121
00:05:41,480 --> 00:05:43,000
Well, then. What do you say?
122
00:05:44,080 --> 00:05:46,519
Do you know what,
I can't do tomorrow. I'm working.
123
00:05:46,559 --> 00:05:48,440
What, at night! Mm.
124
00:05:48,480 --> 00:05:50,319
The salon stays open late on
a Thursday
125
00:05:50,360 --> 00:05:52,440
and it's my turn to lock up.
What about the next night, then?
126
00:05:52,480 --> 00:05:55,720
Are you "working" then as well? Hmm?
127
00:05:55,760 --> 00:05:56,760
No?
128
00:05:57,800 --> 00:05:59,440
Yeah, well, fuck you!
129
00:05:59,480 --> 00:06:01,440
Yeah, nice daughter, Malcolm.
130
00:06:01,480 --> 00:06:02,680
What a whore.
131
00:06:04,720 --> 00:06:05,720
Yeah.
132
00:06:05,760 --> 00:06:06,800
Dad!
133
00:06:08,239 --> 00:06:09,839
You know, this is why
I haven't come over sooner.
134
00:06:09,879 --> 00:06:11,720
Oh, come on, Gemma, it's just Derek.
135
00:06:11,760 --> 00:06:14,239
Oh, enjoy your plant. Gem...?
136
00:06:23,559 --> 00:06:24,800
HE SNIFFS
137
00:06:40,080 --> 00:06:41,959
Hey, do you know if they're
showing the match in here?
138
00:06:48,360 --> 00:06:49,360
Ouch.
139
00:06:49,400 --> 00:06:51,800
Sorry, they're just a bit sore.
It's fine though.
140
00:06:51,839 --> 00:06:54,040
We should get them out that bra.
Yeah.
141
00:06:58,919 --> 00:07:00,480
My flatmate won't be back for ages.
142
00:07:01,440 --> 00:07:02,800
That's sexy.
143
00:07:02,839 --> 00:07:06,000
You're a naughty, naughty,
naughty girl.
144
00:07:07,199 --> 00:07:09,160
What the hell?!
Oh, yeah, what the hell.
145
00:07:11,879 --> 00:07:14,000
Ho-ho!
146
00:07:14,040 --> 00:07:15,199
Hello?
147
00:07:16,519 --> 00:07:17,800
Oh, my God.
148
00:07:20,319 --> 00:07:21,639
Oh, my God.
149
00:07:27,160 --> 00:07:28,440
A lovely place you've got.
150
00:07:28,480 --> 00:07:29,919
Yeah. I've been burgled!
151
00:07:30,959 --> 00:07:32,959
But have they taken the bed? Hmm.
152
00:07:34,360 --> 00:07:36,760
Yeah. Or if not, the floor
is just as good.
153
00:07:38,400 --> 00:07:40,000
SHE RETCHES
154
00:07:43,279 --> 00:07:44,879
SHE VOMITS
155
00:07:48,959 --> 00:07:50,440
You all right?
156
00:07:50,480 --> 00:07:52,160
Hon?
157
00:07:52,199 --> 00:07:53,800
Honey?
158
00:07:53,839 --> 00:07:55,440
Baby girl?
159
00:07:55,480 --> 00:07:56,480
Gemma!
160
00:07:56,519 --> 00:07:57,559
Gemma? Thanks.
161
00:07:58,800 --> 00:08:01,720
I could Deliveroo us some oysters.
162
00:08:01,760 --> 00:08:03,519
Someone's stolen all my things,
163
00:08:03,559 --> 00:08:05,639
so unless your cock fires out
Argos vouchers
164
00:08:05,680 --> 00:08:07,639
I'm not going anywhere near it
tonight.
165
00:08:12,199 --> 00:08:15,160
Keely, did you lock up properly?
Cos we've been fucking burgled.
166
00:08:15,199 --> 00:08:17,519
I'm calling the police,
but you need to get back here now.
167
00:08:27,720 --> 00:08:28,839
I can see you.
168
00:08:30,680 --> 00:08:32,959
I'll go...shall I?
169
00:08:33,000 --> 00:08:34,120
Yeah.
170
00:08:35,599 --> 00:08:37,000
Meeting you tonight...
171
00:08:38,319 --> 00:08:39,480
..has changed my life.
172
00:08:40,720 --> 00:08:42,720
DM me, Gemboodles. Gemma!
173
00:08:47,760 --> 00:08:49,839
HE CHUCKLES
174
00:08:49,879 --> 00:08:51,519
Don't ignore me.
175
00:08:51,559 --> 00:08:53,080
I know where you live.
176
00:08:57,760 --> 00:08:59,879
You're back very early.
177
00:08:59,919 --> 00:09:01,160
Yeah.
178
00:09:01,199 --> 00:09:04,160
I met...Danny at The Red Rock
and we...
179
00:09:05,639 --> 00:09:08,480
Anyway, thank God I came back early.
We've been burgled.
180
00:09:12,480 --> 00:09:13,839
Are you moving out?
181
00:09:17,319 --> 00:09:18,639
I'm going to be a mummy!
182
00:09:19,720 --> 00:09:22,080
Me and Sancho are having a baby.
183
00:09:22,120 --> 00:09:23,480
What?
184
00:09:23,519 --> 00:09:27,319
Sancho is an idiot who once stapled
himself to a park bench.
185
00:09:27,360 --> 00:09:28,760
Hey!
186
00:09:28,800 --> 00:09:32,000
Sancho has a lovely flat.
187
00:09:32,040 --> 00:09:34,120
No, you're right, he does, actually.
188
00:09:34,160 --> 00:09:35,440
Very nice carpets.
189
00:09:35,480 --> 00:09:36,639
Yeah, well...
190
00:09:36,680 --> 00:09:39,080
We didn't plan on becoming
Mummy and Daddy so soon,
191
00:09:39,120 --> 00:09:41,480
but when we found out...
192
00:09:43,279 --> 00:09:45,519
So, no doubts at all, then?
193
00:09:45,559 --> 00:09:47,319
Yeah, a few.
194
00:09:47,360 --> 00:09:49,319
Can we afford it?
195
00:09:49,360 --> 00:09:51,040
Am I going to get fat?
196
00:09:51,080 --> 00:09:53,919
What if I end up tearing my vaginger
from front to back
197
00:09:53,959 --> 00:09:55,760
and my entire poop system
needs rebuilding?
198
00:09:55,800 --> 00:09:58,879
That can happen? Can and does. Oof.
199
00:09:58,919 --> 00:10:02,199
- But in the end...
- ..I knew I wanted this.
200
00:10:28,519 --> 00:10:29,519
Fuck.
201
00:10:47,599 --> 00:10:48,959
Congratulations, Gemma.
202
00:10:49,000 --> 00:10:50,440
Do you know
when your last period was?
203
00:10:50,480 --> 00:10:52,199
Could have been a few weeks ago.
204
00:10:52,239 --> 00:10:54,319
Or a couple of...months.
205
00:10:56,000 --> 00:10:57,199
OK.
206
00:10:57,239 --> 00:10:59,800
I was given a workshop on
how to do this tactfully,
207
00:10:59,839 --> 00:11:01,800
but these appointments are only
eight minutes long so...
208
00:11:01,839 --> 00:11:03,440
Is the father around? No.
209
00:11:03,480 --> 00:11:05,040
Do you know who the father is?
210
00:11:05,080 --> 00:11:06,440
Erm... Pass?
211
00:11:06,480 --> 00:11:09,040
Do you want to continue
with this pregnancy, Gemma?
212
00:11:11,519 --> 00:11:13,800
You should probably
give it some thought.
213
00:11:13,839 --> 00:11:17,319
Having a baby - or not - isn't
something you should do on your own.
214
00:11:17,360 --> 00:11:18,680
I've booked you in with the midwife.
215
00:11:18,720 --> 00:11:22,599
Is there someone who can go along
with you? Mother? Sister? Friend?
216
00:11:22,639 --> 00:11:23,919
Not really, no.
217
00:11:23,959 --> 00:11:26,120
My mum's just ran off
with her and my dad's savings,
218
00:11:26,160 --> 00:11:28,559
my sister's on remand
and my flatmate just moved out,
219
00:11:28,599 --> 00:11:30,720
so my life's a mess right now.
220
00:11:33,040 --> 00:11:34,440
Still...
221
00:11:34,480 --> 00:11:35,720
Every cloud?
222
00:11:53,080 --> 00:11:55,120
God, do you not find it
a bit depressing?
223
00:11:55,160 --> 00:11:56,760
Eh? No! No.
224
00:11:56,800 --> 00:11:58,959
I'm quite enjoying
my independence actually.
225
00:11:59,000 --> 00:12:00,519
I'm living my best life, Gemma.
226
00:12:00,559 --> 00:12:03,040
Well, you know, the best life
anyone can live sharing a bog
227
00:12:03,080 --> 00:12:05,160
with five other fellas.
228
00:12:05,199 --> 00:12:07,040
THUMP
Oh!
229
00:12:07,080 --> 00:12:08,599
Oh, bollocks.
230
00:12:08,639 --> 00:12:11,160
That keeps happ... Oh, shit...
231
00:12:11,199 --> 00:12:13,680
Oh, Jesus, Dad, I really
need to eat something.
232
00:12:13,720 --> 00:12:15,680
Yeah, just hang on. Hang on.
233
00:12:20,599 --> 00:12:22,360
Ah!
234
00:12:22,400 --> 00:12:23,639
Ow!
235
00:12:25,239 --> 00:12:27,080
SHE RETCHES
236
00:12:27,120 --> 00:12:28,959
Can I have this doughnut?
237
00:12:29,000 --> 00:12:30,120
Eh?
238
00:12:32,279 --> 00:12:33,279
Yeah...
239
00:12:34,440 --> 00:12:35,519
I mean...
240
00:12:35,559 --> 00:12:38,279
I mean, I was saving it,
but, you know.
241
00:12:38,319 --> 00:12:40,400
Oh, thanks, Gem.
It's just that...
242
00:12:40,440 --> 00:12:43,440
I just haven't had the chance to
get down the garage, you know.
243
00:12:43,480 --> 00:12:45,160
Wait, you do your
food shop at the garage?
244
00:12:45,199 --> 00:12:47,160
Yeah. Why not the supermarket?
245
00:12:47,199 --> 00:12:49,599
Because your mother gave
back the family car
246
00:12:49,639 --> 00:12:51,400
and real men don't use taxis.
247
00:12:51,440 --> 00:12:53,000
Would you like a lift
one night after work?
248
00:12:53,040 --> 00:12:54,319
Oh, would you, love? Yeah.
249
00:12:54,360 --> 00:12:55,720
I'm starving. Yeah.
250
00:12:55,760 --> 00:12:58,720
Here, look. Oh, you were
going to tell me something.
251
00:12:58,760 --> 00:13:00,959
Doesn't matter. OK.
252
00:13:01,000 --> 00:13:02,839
VIDEO CALL RINGS
253
00:13:05,120 --> 00:13:07,080
Gemma, love! Hi, Mum.
254
00:13:07,120 --> 00:13:08,480
Has your father died?
255
00:13:08,519 --> 00:13:10,400
No! Why?
256
00:13:10,440 --> 00:13:13,239
Well, last time I saw him
he looked as if...
257
00:13:13,279 --> 00:13:16,519
I wondered if he'd got something
they haven't found yet.
258
00:13:16,559 --> 00:13:18,879
He looks like he'd have a lump
somewhere. Mum!
259
00:13:18,919 --> 00:13:21,839
No, I'm not wishing this upon him,
he just looks ill.
260
00:13:21,879 --> 00:13:24,559
Is everything else OK?
Is Catherine OK?
261
00:13:24,599 --> 00:13:25,800
Still in prison.
262
00:13:25,839 --> 00:13:27,720
But she hasn't been shanked
or anything, has she?
263
00:13:27,760 --> 00:13:29,480
What is your obsession
with people being dead?
264
00:13:29,519 --> 00:13:31,040
It's 3am, love.
265
00:13:31,080 --> 00:13:33,760
If someone hasn't died, it's
a bit rude calling at this time.
266
00:13:33,800 --> 00:13:36,080
Where are you? Montreal.
267
00:13:36,120 --> 00:13:38,080
I thought you were in Paris.
268
00:13:38,120 --> 00:13:40,760
Yeah, well, they speak French here,
too.
269
00:13:40,800 --> 00:13:42,639
Should I go? Yes!
270
00:13:42,680 --> 00:13:44,120
Well, it's just that...
271
00:13:57,320 --> 00:13:58,960
Stop looking so nervous, Gemma.
272
00:13:59,000 --> 00:14:01,360
You're embarrassing me
in front of my friends.
273
00:14:01,400 --> 00:14:02,400
Friends? Yeah.
274
00:14:03,879 --> 00:14:07,239
I've, err, got her initials
tattooed on my thigh.
275
00:14:08,839 --> 00:14:10,080
Wasn't strictly my choice but...
276
00:14:11,199 --> 00:14:12,439
..you know...
277
00:14:13,799 --> 00:14:15,199
So how is Dad?
278
00:14:15,239 --> 00:14:16,640
He's a mess.
279
00:14:16,680 --> 00:14:18,439
Well, Mum is ruthless.
280
00:14:18,479 --> 00:14:19,839
Yeah.
281
00:14:19,879 --> 00:14:21,199
She is.
282
00:14:22,400 --> 00:14:23,760
See where you get it from.
283
00:14:30,040 --> 00:14:32,280
Did Gary hurt you? What? No!
284
00:14:32,320 --> 00:14:33,760
No, he really loves me.
285
00:14:33,799 --> 00:14:36,919
So why did you pay someone to
push him off the fire escape?
286
00:14:36,960 --> 00:14:38,159
I have three members of staff,
287
00:14:38,199 --> 00:14:39,879
all of whom have
special educational needs.
288
00:14:39,919 --> 00:14:41,400
No, they don't. You've met 'em.
289
00:14:41,439 --> 00:14:44,439
They seem to have
special educational needs.
290
00:14:44,479 --> 00:14:46,519
No-one else was going to employ 'em.
291
00:14:46,559 --> 00:14:49,360
Look, cashing in on Gary's life
insurance was the easiest way
292
00:14:49,400 --> 00:14:51,119
to keep the sandwich shop solvent.
293
00:14:52,720 --> 00:14:55,080
It was a legitimate
business decision.
294
00:14:55,119 --> 00:14:57,720
I don't remember Deborah Meaden ever
trying to have someone murdered.
295
00:14:57,760 --> 00:15:01,559
Anyway, Gary's fine now, so I don't
really see what the problem is.
296
00:15:01,600 --> 00:15:03,479
You honestly don't, do you?
297
00:15:03,519 --> 00:15:05,040
No.
298
00:15:05,080 --> 00:15:07,760
Anyway, I have some news
of my own actually.
299
00:15:07,799 --> 00:15:09,320
Oh. Yeah.
300
00:15:11,000 --> 00:15:12,439
I'm... Oi. No standing.
301
00:15:12,479 --> 00:15:14,439
No way! Right, nobody move!
302
00:15:14,479 --> 00:15:16,199
ALARM RINGS
Fuck's sake, Gemma.
303
00:15:16,239 --> 00:15:19,040
I wasn't, "rubbing a stash
of yummy heroin."
304
00:15:19,080 --> 00:15:21,640
I'm having a baby.
Congratulations.
305
00:15:21,680 --> 00:15:24,439
I'm still going to need to
see your arsehole, love.
306
00:15:24,479 --> 00:15:27,640
Don't worry, a bum search is
nothing compared to giving birth.
307
00:15:27,680 --> 00:15:29,280
In fact, this is good preparation
308
00:15:29,320 --> 00:15:31,799
for all those midwives
looking up your foof.
309
00:15:31,839 --> 00:15:34,919
A little bit of life learning...
..on me.
310
00:15:38,439 --> 00:15:40,360
BABIES BABBLE
311
00:15:47,760 --> 00:15:49,080
What can I get ya?
312
00:15:49,119 --> 00:15:52,360
Oh, err, flat white - decaf. Thanks.
313
00:15:52,400 --> 00:15:53,839
That'll be 2.50.
314
00:15:57,000 --> 00:15:58,000
Oh, fuck.
315
00:15:59,439 --> 00:16:01,239
Fuck, I've lost my card.
316
00:16:01,280 --> 00:16:03,159
Of course I have, cos it's me.
317
00:16:03,199 --> 00:16:06,600
I expect my car'll get nicked
or my kidneys'll fail next.
318
00:16:06,640 --> 00:16:08,439
Fuck. What can I get ya?
319
00:16:08,479 --> 00:16:10,799
No, no, no.
I'll, err, I'll get hers.
320
00:16:10,839 --> 00:16:12,640
Thanks.
321
00:16:12,680 --> 00:16:14,040
No worries.
322
00:16:15,680 --> 00:16:17,919
I hope the other stuff
doesn't happen.
323
00:16:17,960 --> 00:16:20,280
I'm not sure I can stretch to a car.
324
00:16:20,320 --> 00:16:21,640
Or a kidney.
325
00:16:36,879 --> 00:16:38,680
HE BREATHES NERVOUSLY
326
00:16:40,640 --> 00:16:42,720
Oh, great spread, Malc.
327
00:16:42,760 --> 00:16:44,239
Yeah. Here you go.
328
00:16:45,919 --> 00:16:48,000
So, erm, look, I just...
329
00:16:48,040 --> 00:16:50,799
I just... I just wanted
to bring up the, erm...
330
00:16:50,839 --> 00:16:52,080
..the bathroom.
331
00:16:53,879 --> 00:16:55,280
GAME ON PHONE
332
00:16:56,360 --> 00:16:57,879
What the fuck is wrong with
the bathroom?
333
00:16:57,919 --> 00:16:59,439
Er, nothing. No, I just thought...
334
00:16:59,479 --> 00:17:01,159
I thought we could maybe, erm...
335
00:17:01,199 --> 00:17:02,360
..you know, clean it?
336
00:17:02,400 --> 00:17:04,439
I mean, not all the time,
obviously just, erm...
337
00:17:04,479 --> 00:17:05,479
Maybe just once?
338
00:17:06,680 --> 00:17:09,280
That bathroom is a shrine to us
339
00:17:09,320 --> 00:17:12,439
having broken free
of the shackles of women.
340
00:17:12,479 --> 00:17:14,439
It's art, Malcolm. Yeah.
341
00:17:14,479 --> 00:17:16,760
Yeah, no, no, I get that, I do.
It's just...
342
00:17:16,799 --> 00:17:19,960
It's just that, err, you know,
not everything goes into the bowl
343
00:17:20,000 --> 00:17:22,159
all the time
and nobody cleans it up, you know.
344
00:17:22,199 --> 00:17:24,239
Are you saying you don't
misfire sometimes?
345
00:17:24,280 --> 00:17:26,159
Well, wee, yeah.
346
00:17:26,199 --> 00:17:27,320
But you know "not wee"...
347
00:17:28,559 --> 00:17:30,680
I stood in some the other day,
I had to soak me foot in Dettol.
348
00:17:31,879 --> 00:17:34,400
I can't expose it to
direct sunlight now.
349
00:17:34,439 --> 00:17:36,439
HE SCOFFS
350
00:17:36,479 --> 00:17:38,080
Poor pathetic Malcolm.
351
00:17:38,119 --> 00:17:39,360
The foot vampire.
352
00:17:39,400 --> 00:17:41,559
THEY LAUGH ALTERNATELY
353
00:17:41,600 --> 00:17:42,960
I'm not a foot vampire.
354
00:17:43,000 --> 00:17:45,479
Foot vampire! Foot...
Chant, Andy!
355
00:17:45,519 --> 00:17:47,360
Foot vampire! Foot vampire!
356
00:17:47,400 --> 00:17:49,559
Foot vampire! Foot vampire!
I'm not...
357
00:17:49,600 --> 00:17:51,960
Foot vampire! Foot vampire!
Foot vampire!
358
00:17:52,000 --> 00:17:54,919
Foot vampire! Foot vampire!
Foot vampire! Foot...
359
00:17:54,960 --> 00:17:56,879
All right, I'm a foot vampire, eh?
360
00:17:56,919 --> 00:17:59,519
Argh! Foot vampire! Foot vampire!
361
00:17:59,559 --> 00:18:01,239
Argh!
362
00:18:06,119 --> 00:18:08,439
That's just fucking weird, Malcolm.
363
00:18:08,479 --> 00:18:09,479
Sorry.
364
00:18:11,000 --> 00:18:13,239
So that's the flat.
The room's available immediately.
365
00:18:13,280 --> 00:18:15,640
And did Baris, the landlord, tell
you that bills aren't included?
366
00:18:15,680 --> 00:18:16,839
Yeah. Yeah.
367
00:18:18,159 --> 00:18:21,519
Do you mind if I
write my name on my food items?
368
00:18:21,559 --> 00:18:23,519
See, I've been stung in the past.
369
00:18:23,559 --> 00:18:27,280
Lost a lot of money
not writing my name on food.
370
00:18:27,320 --> 00:18:30,239
Sure.
And I like to often wear gloves.
371
00:18:30,280 --> 00:18:32,280
Because of viruses...
372
00:18:32,320 --> 00:18:34,000
..and other reasons.
373
00:18:34,040 --> 00:18:35,960
So, Russell... Yeah.
374
00:18:36,000 --> 00:18:37,320
Do you recognise me?
375
00:18:38,360 --> 00:18:41,960
Yeah, I did... I did the voiceover
for Single Pringle Mingle.
376
00:18:42,000 --> 00:18:44,720
The Welsh dating show.
With crisps?
377
00:18:44,760 --> 00:18:45,960
No.
378
00:18:46,000 --> 00:18:47,360
Sorry, I thought you were a...
379
00:18:47,400 --> 00:18:50,360
Stand-up? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah. I am. Yeah.
380
00:18:50,400 --> 00:18:51,519
Ooh-eh.
381
00:18:54,159 --> 00:18:55,519
It's nice.
382
00:18:55,559 --> 00:18:56,720
I like it.
383
00:18:56,760 --> 00:18:59,000
Thanks. How come you're
looking for somewhere now,
384
00:18:59,040 --> 00:19:00,280
if you don't mind me asking?
385
00:19:00,320 --> 00:19:02,320
I just got out of prison.
386
00:19:02,360 --> 00:19:04,680
Don't worry,
I didn't do anything terrible.
387
00:19:05,680 --> 00:19:07,559
I was in the Baader-Meinhof.
388
00:19:08,960 --> 00:19:10,479
No?
389
00:19:10,519 --> 00:19:11,720
No-one remembers.
390
00:19:12,799 --> 00:19:14,239
What a waste of a life.
391
00:19:15,439 --> 00:19:19,479
If I were to uncover the secret
government paedophile ring,
392
00:19:19,519 --> 00:19:22,760
you'd be cool with me using this
as a base for meetings?
393
00:19:24,839 --> 00:19:26,879
Is there a lock
on your bedroom door?
394
00:19:26,919 --> 00:19:28,760
What? No, I'm just...
I'm just asking.
395
00:19:28,799 --> 00:19:31,000
I'm just asking.
Yeah, I'm a feminist. So...
396
00:19:32,360 --> 00:19:33,519
Yeah.
397
00:19:35,919 --> 00:19:37,559
Nice.
398
00:19:37,600 --> 00:19:39,479
Nice curtains.
399
00:19:39,519 --> 00:19:40,879
The rent's a bit high.
400
00:19:40,919 --> 00:19:42,640
Baris sets the rent.
401
00:19:42,680 --> 00:19:45,119
If I pleasure you once a week,
could you knock 20 quid off?
402
00:19:46,159 --> 00:19:47,280
No?
403
00:19:49,519 --> 00:19:50,680
£10?
404
00:19:52,119 --> 00:19:53,320
Wow.
405
00:19:55,519 --> 00:19:59,720
So, err, what happens
if you don't get a flatmate?
406
00:19:59,760 --> 00:20:01,600
Well, then, I'll have to pay
all the rent myself,
407
00:20:01,640 --> 00:20:02,839
which I can't afford.
408
00:20:04,159 --> 00:20:06,000
Hey, Gemma.
409
00:20:06,040 --> 00:20:08,360
This is like the longest you and I
have spent together for ages,
410
00:20:08,400 --> 00:20:09,799
isn't it?
411
00:20:09,839 --> 00:20:12,479
What, 43 minutes,
including the drive?
412
00:20:12,519 --> 00:20:14,400
Yeah.
413
00:20:14,439 --> 00:20:17,720
You never came out to tea with us.
We always asked.
414
00:20:17,760 --> 00:20:19,280
I know. Sorry.
415
00:20:20,479 --> 00:20:23,879
Just, they put garlic
in everything, don't they?
416
00:20:23,919 --> 00:20:25,040
They? Well, they/them.
417
00:20:25,080 --> 00:20:27,000
You know, the people who make
the food when you go out.
418
00:20:27,040 --> 00:20:28,919
They put garlic in everything.
419
00:20:30,239 --> 00:20:31,400
Hey.
420
00:20:31,439 --> 00:20:33,960
I should get some jacket potatoes.
421
00:20:34,000 --> 00:20:35,879
Your mum used to hate them.
422
00:20:43,799 --> 00:20:45,439
Dad, how many do you want?
423
00:20:45,479 --> 00:20:48,839
No. They're normal potatoes,
aren't they? I need jacket potatoes.
424
00:20:50,320 --> 00:20:52,799
What do you think
jacket potatoes are?
425
00:20:52,839 --> 00:20:54,760
Well, they're special potatoes,
aren't they?
426
00:20:54,799 --> 00:20:57,600
They're like, err, they're
covered in, like, leather.
427
00:20:57,640 --> 00:20:59,799
Well, not leather.
But, you know, something.
428
00:20:59,839 --> 00:21:01,519
Covered in something
because they're called...
429
00:21:02,720 --> 00:21:04,439
..jacket, aren't they?
430
00:21:04,479 --> 00:21:06,040
No.
431
00:21:06,080 --> 00:21:10,519
They're just normal big potatoes
cooked in the oven and/or microwave.
432
00:21:10,559 --> 00:21:12,519
Jesus fucking Christ!
433
00:21:14,040 --> 00:21:16,080
Are you all right, love? No.
434
00:21:16,119 --> 00:21:18,559
I'm not all right, Dad.
I'm pregnant.
435
00:21:18,600 --> 00:21:20,879
I'm pregnant
and I'm about to be homeless
436
00:21:20,919 --> 00:21:23,320
and I don't know who the father is
and I don't have any women in
437
00:21:23,360 --> 00:21:24,680
my life to support me
438
00:21:24,720 --> 00:21:27,479
and I don't want my baby growing up
to be the kind of moron
439
00:21:27,519 --> 00:21:31,400
who thinks jacket potatoes are
potatoes covered in leather!
440
00:21:35,280 --> 00:21:36,839
I'm going to be a grandad!
441
00:21:39,479 --> 00:21:40,600
Oh, Gem.
442
00:21:42,199 --> 00:21:45,080
Come here. Come here.
443
00:21:45,119 --> 00:21:46,159
Oh...
444
00:21:47,439 --> 00:21:48,799
Look, I know...
445
00:21:48,839 --> 00:21:53,400
I know your mum and your sister
aren't here, but you've got me.
446
00:21:54,519 --> 00:21:56,000
Eh?
447
00:21:56,040 --> 00:21:57,519
Come here.
448
00:21:57,559 --> 00:21:58,960
It's all right.
449
00:21:59,000 --> 00:22:00,680
I'm going to be a grandad.
450
00:22:00,720 --> 00:22:02,839
These are happy tears!
451
00:22:02,879 --> 00:22:04,720
They are not happy tears. Oh...
452
00:22:06,320 --> 00:22:07,600
Oh, Gem.
453
00:22:13,839 --> 00:22:15,760
Hey, this is exciting, isn't it?
Are you excited?
454
00:22:15,799 --> 00:22:18,040
Eh, us living together!
455
00:22:18,080 --> 00:22:19,239
Thrilled.
456
00:22:21,799 --> 00:22:22,919
Yeah, love.
457
00:22:24,640 --> 00:22:26,479
I really want to support you,
you know,
458
00:22:26,519 --> 00:22:29,000
at this important time in your life.
459
00:22:29,040 --> 00:22:31,040
I got you something,
from the garage.
460
00:22:31,080 --> 00:22:32,159
Look.
461
00:22:35,839 --> 00:22:36,879
Woohoo.
462
00:22:39,239 --> 00:22:41,360
It's not for you. You know,
it's for the...
463
00:22:41,400 --> 00:22:42,839
..erm, thing.
464
00:22:52,559 --> 00:22:54,919
Hey, you might as well
leave that open, you know,
465
00:22:54,960 --> 00:22:57,280
because Derek's coming
with me duvet.
466
00:23:00,080 --> 00:23:02,159
Oh, thanks, mate.
467
00:23:02,199 --> 00:23:03,439
You're welcome, king.
468
00:23:07,280 --> 00:23:08,919
Heard you're up the stick.
469
00:23:08,960 --> 00:23:10,119
Lucky escape.
470
00:23:10,159 --> 00:23:11,400
Who for? You or me?
471
00:23:11,439 --> 00:23:13,439
DEREK CHUCKLES BITTERLY
472
00:23:15,320 --> 00:23:18,479
I'm trying really hard to enjoy
the company of women.
473
00:23:18,519 --> 00:23:19,640
You look lovely.
474
00:23:22,159 --> 00:23:23,519
Fancy a brew? Yeah.
475
00:23:23,559 --> 00:23:25,320
Good. Eh? Get the kettle on.
476
00:23:33,400 --> 00:23:35,720
MOVIE MUSIC AND SOUND EFFECTS
477
00:23:40,119 --> 00:23:41,559
TV STOPS
478
00:23:42,600 --> 00:23:44,320
RoboCop.
479
00:23:44,360 --> 00:23:45,519
Best film ever made.
480
00:23:45,559 --> 00:23:47,239
I've seen it 15, 20 times.
481
00:23:48,320 --> 00:23:50,199
And yet you still stayed
and watched it again.
482
00:23:50,239 --> 00:23:52,680
I wanted to see if Malcolm liked it.
483
00:23:52,720 --> 00:23:55,559
Best film ever made. See!
484
00:23:55,600 --> 00:23:58,040
And that bit where they turn the guy
into the toxic sludge monster!
485
00:23:58,080 --> 00:24:00,320
Oh, yeah. Oh, baby.
486
00:24:00,360 --> 00:24:02,439
They never used to show
that bit on the telly. Yeah.
487
00:24:02,479 --> 00:24:04,799
First time I watched RoboCop
on DVD I was like...
488
00:24:04,839 --> 00:24:06,159
"Oh, ja!
489
00:24:06,199 --> 00:24:09,360
"Oh, what the fuck is this?
Oh, ja, this is amazing!"
490
00:24:09,400 --> 00:24:11,559
Right, Malcolm? Yeah, amazing.
491
00:24:11,600 --> 00:24:14,000
STOMACH GURGLES
Oh, God.
492
00:24:14,040 --> 00:24:16,799
Anyway, speaking of toxic sludge...
493
00:24:18,000 --> 00:24:19,119
Oh, God.
494
00:24:23,280 --> 00:24:25,919
Don't worry, I'll go in after,
make sure everything's all right.
495
00:24:29,119 --> 00:24:31,159
What if everything isn't all right,
Dad?
496
00:24:35,040 --> 00:24:36,119
It will be.
497
00:24:44,000 --> 00:24:46,600
Oh, hey. Might be a good idea
to get some Dettol.
34902
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