Original subtitles

Downloaded from YTS.MX

[bottle spraying]

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[cheers and applause]

[upbeat swing music]

- [whistles]

[cheering]

[cheers and applause]

- ANOTHER ROUND OF APPLAUSE

FOR MARKY AND HIS FANCY FEET.

AND NOW, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN...

- [mouthing silently]

- FOR YOUR PLEASURE AND AMUSEMENT,

HERE'S EVERYONE'S FAVORITE FUNNYMAN...

TOM PAPA.

[cheers and applause]

- HELLO, HELLO, HELLO.

OH, THANK YOU FOR COMING.

THIS IS SO NICE. LOOK AT YOU.

OUT OF YOUR HOUSE,

AWAY FROM YOUR SCREENS,

WITH OTHER HUMAN BEINGS IN NEW YORK CITY.

DOES IT GET ANY BETTER THAN THIS?

[cheers and applause]

THANK YOU SO MUCH.

THANK YOU, THANK YOU.

YOU EVER CREATE SO MANY USERNAMES

AND PASSWORDS SO NO ONE WILL STEAL YOUR IDENTITY

THAT YOU NO LONGER KNOW YOUR OWN IDENTITY?

THEY'RE LIKE, "USERNAME?"

TOM PAPA. "WRONG."

MONKEY47?

"WELCOME."

THEN SOMETIMES THEY EMAIL YOU BACK YOUR PASSWORD

WHEN YOU FORGET IT.

YOU'RE LIKE, "WHAT THE HELL WAS I THINKING?

"'BUTTERFLY WHISPERS'?

WAS I ON ECSTASY WHEN I JOINED AMAZON?"

FACEBOOK IS COMPLETELY OUT OF HAND NOW, RIGHT?

IT'S THE WHOLE PLANET NOW. IT'S TOO MUCH.

IT'S TOO MANY PEOPLE. EVERYONE IN THE WORLD.

AND, YOU KNOW, I WOULD HAVE BEEN SO MUCH NICER

TO EVERYONE IN MY LIFE IF I KNEW EVENTUALLY

THEY WERE ALL COMING BACK.

"HEY, GOOD TO HEAR FROM YOU, KENNY.

"SORRY I LEFT YOU IN THE WOODS THAT NIGHT.

"GLAD YOU FOUND YOUR WAY OUT AND GREW UP AND STUFF.

KIDS WILL BE KIDS. AHH."

IT'S POWERFUL THOUGH, ISN'T IT?

IT'S CHANGING THE PLANET.

THE WHOLE PLANET'S BEING CHANGED

BECAUSE OF FACEBOOK.

NO ONE SAW ANY OF THIS, RIGHT?

A JEWISH KID IN AMERICA CREATES FACEBOOK

AND IT HELPS THE EGYPTIAN GOVERNMENT COLLAPSE.

NO ONE SAW THAT COMING.

[laughter and applause]

YEAH.

EVEN THE MUSLIM BROTHERHOOD WAS LIKE,

"WE'D LIKE TO THANK... THE JEWS?

FEELS WEIRD."

IMAGINE IF IT'D BEEN AROUND THROUGHOUT HISTORY,

HOW MANY LIVES WOULD HAVE BEEN SAVED.

"LOOK OUT LINCOLN."

"LOL.

I'M PLAYING 'ANGRY BIRDS.'"

MY MOTHER'S ON IT NOW.

SHE'S ALL OLD AND CONFUSED.

YEAH, SHE CALLS IT "MYFACE."

"ARE YOU ON MYFACE? YOUR FATHER'S ON MYFACE."

[laughter and applause]

"I DON'T KNOW IF YOU'RE CONFUSED OR PERVERTED,

DON'T SAY THAT EVER AGAIN."

"WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL? EVERYONE'S ON MYFACE.

UNCLE BOB, AUNT BETSY."

IT'S NICE TO SEE A GOOD NEWS STORY

ONCE IN A WHILE THOUGH, ISN'T IT?

I'M SO TIRED OF PEOPLE LOSING IT AND FLIPPING OUT.

IT'S ALWAYS THE SAME EXCUSE.

"OH, HE DIDN'T FIT IN.

"HE HAD A HARD TIME FITTING IN.

HE NEVER REALLY FIT IN."

YOU KNOW WHAT? THERE IS NO FITTING IN.

I DON'T FIT IN. YOU DON'T FIT IN.

THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS FITTING IN.

LIFE IS A PAIR OF SKINNY JEANS

AND YOU ARE A BIG FATASS.

THAT'S IT.

IT'S UNCOMFORTABLE BEING A HUMAN BEING.

NO ONE LIKES YOU.

NO ONE WANTS TO BE FRIENDS WITH YOU

AFTER THE AGE OF TEN.

THAT'S WHAT IT IS TO BE A HUMAN BEING.

NO ONE LIKES YOU. YOU DON'T LIKE THEM.

THAT'S HOW WE LIVE, RIGHT?

YOU EVER WALK INTO A RESTAURANT

AND EVERYONE'S ALREADY SAT?

YOU FEEL EVERYONE'S HATE ON YOU IMMEDIATELY.

"OH, JEEZ, WHY IS EVERYONE LOOKING AT ME?

"I GUESS I SHOULDN'T HAVE WORN THIS SHIRT.

"AM I WALKING FUNNY?

"I BETTER SIT DOWN AND BLEND IN.

THIS IS KIND OF WEIRD."

DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.

YOU'RE UNCOMFORTABLE EVERYWHERE YOU GO.

SO AM I. THAT'S THE WAY IT GOES.

THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT-- THAT'S WHY ALCOHOL

IS SUCH A POPULAR PRODUCT.

IT'S TRUE.

IT REALLY WORKS, RIGHT?

EVEN COMING OUT TONIGHT.

"WE'RE GONNA BE AROUND OTHER PEOPLE?

"OH, OKAY.

WE'RE GETTING A DRINK FIRST, RIGHT?"

IT WORKS.

REMEMBER WHEN YOU WERE A KID

AND THEY TOLD YOU YOU SHOULDN'T DRINK?

"WELL, YOU REALLY SHOULDN'T DRINK.

"IT'S NOT GONNA SOLVE ALL YOUR PROBLEMS.

YOU'RE JUST GONNA FORGET ABOUT 'EM FOR A LITTLE WHILE."

ALL RIGHT. LINE 'EM UP.

SOUNDS GOOD TO ME.

IT'S BETTER THAN THINKING ABOUT THIS ALL THE TIME.

I DRINK SO MUCH MORE NOW.

SO MUCH MORE.

AND NOT LIKE THAT FUN, HAPPY-HOUR DRINKING EITHER.

EVER SINCE I HAD KIDS, IT'S MORE LIKE

STANDING ALONE AT THE KITCHEN SINK KIND OF DRINKING.

DADDY'S A LOT MORE FUN WHEN HE GETS

SOME OF HIS MAGIC JUICE INSIDE OF HIM.

EVERY PICTURE MY DAUGHTER DRAWS OF ME NOW

HAS ME WITH A MARTINI GLASS.

IT'S JUST A TRIANGLE, A STICK,

AND MY THREE FINGERS.

YEAH, THREE FINGERS.

SHE'S NOT THAT BRIGHT, BUT SHE'S A GOOD KID.

SHE MAKES A MEAN DRINK TOO.

YOU'D LIKE HER.

OH, IT'S GOOD. ALCOHOL'S GOOD.

IT'S--RIGHT?

THIS IS A COMMUNAL WAY TO BE HAPPY.

YOU'RE ALL IN IT TOGETHER. YOU'RE THINKING THE SAME WAY.

IT'S A GOOD THING.

THAT'S WHY I DON'T LIKE ANTIDEPRESSANTS.

SNEAKY WAY TO BE HAPPY, RIGHT?

JUST BRUSHING YOUR TEETH ALONE IN THE MORNING,

POPPING A PILL, "YAY!

I LOVE MONDAYS."

NO, YOU DON'T. YOU'RE A LIAR!

YOU'RE CHEATING THE SYSTEM.

AND %1 OF THOSE PEOPLE REALLY NEED IT.

THE REST?

"I'M JUST NOT HAPPY ALL THE TIME.

I WANT TO BE HAPPY ALL THE TIME AND I'M NOT."

WELL, YOU'RE A HUMAN BEING. THAT'S THE WAY IT GOES.

WE DON'T GET TO BE HAPPY ALL THE TIME.

IF WE DID, WE'D SIT ALONE IN OUR ROOMS.

WHEEEEE!

NO. LOWER THE BAR.

LOWER THE BAR.

YOU'RE A GROWN-UP.

YOU GET ONE DAY A YEAR.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY.

[laughter and applause]

THAT'S IT.

DON'T TAKE PILLS.

DRINK. JOIN THE TEAM.

REALLY, YOU ORDER A MARTINI AT THE END OF THE DAY,

YOU'RE TELLING EVERYONE IN THAT ROOM,

"YOU KNOW WHAT, I WOKE UP THIS MORNING,

"LOOKED MYSELF IN THE MIRROR AND SAID,

'TODAY IS GONNA BE THE DAY,'

"AND ONCE AGAIN IT DIDN'T WORK OUT.

"SO I'M GONNA DRINK THREE OF THESE,

"SAY SOMETHING INAPPROPRIATE TO THAT WAITRESS OVER THERE,

PASS OUT, AND TRY AGAIN TOMORROW."

NOT GONNA FIT IN. DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.

BE UNCOMFORTABLE. IT'S O--

JUST DEAL WITH IT, RIGHT?

IF YOU'RE LUCKY-- IF YOU'RE LUCKY,

YOU'LL FIND ONE PERSON

OUT OF ALL THE BILLIONS ON THE PLANET--

THE BILLIONS-- YOU'LL FIND ONE

WHO WILL LIVE WITH YOU FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.

ONE!

AND I GOT NEWS FOR YOU.

THEY DON'T LIKE YOU THAT MUCH EITHER.

BUT IT'S BETTER THAN BEING ALONE.

I SAY GET MARRIED.

JUST FIND SOMEONE, HOOK UP, AND DO IT.

JUST DO IT.

IF YOU'RE DATING RIGHT NOW,

IT'S TOO MUCH PRESSURE.

YOU'RE WORKING YOUR ASS OFF FOR WHAT?

FOR WHAT? RIGHT?

IF YOU'RE ON A DATE RIGHT NOW, YOU COME OUT--

"IS EVERYTHING OKAY?

"ARE YOU HAPPY WITH THE SEATS? ARE YOU OKAY?

DID WE PARK TOO FAR? IS EVERYTHING--AH!"

IF YOU'RE MARRIED, THEY CAN'T SAY ANYTHING.

IF THEY COMPLAIN, YOU JUST TURN TO THEM,

"YOU WANTED TO GO OUT, WE'RE OUT."

[laughter and applause]

TOO MUCH WORK, RIGHT?

YOU SEE DATING COUPLES IN A RESTAURANT.

THEY'RE JUST YAPPING AWAY AS SOON AS THEY SIT DOWN.

"YA-YA-YA-YA-YA-YA-YA-YA-YA!"

THE WAITER COMES OVER.

"I'M SORRY. WE DIDN'T EVEN OPEN IT UP.

WE DIDN'T EVEN-- WE'VE BEEN TALKING SO MUCH."

MARRIED COUPLES?

MENUS RIGHT UP IN EACH OTHER'S FACE.

I CAN TALK TO YOU FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE.

I'M HERE TO EAT...

SOMETHING YOU DID NOT COOK.

IT'S GREAT.

AND THERE'S NO GETTING OFFENDED.

YOU CAN SAY WHATEVER YOU WANT.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE CAREFUL AROUND EACH OTHER.

IF YOU'RE A GIRL RIGHT NOW, YOU GO HOME WITH A GUY,

YOU'RE CHILLY, YOU GOT TO BE SO CAREFUL.

"I'M A LITTLE--DOES IT FEEL A LITTLE CHILLY IN HERE?

"DO YOU MIND IF WE CLOSE THE WINDOW JUST--

"I KNOW YOU'RE NORMALLY HOTTER THAN I AM,

BUT DO YOU THINK THAT MAYBE WE COULD--"

[gibberish]

AND MY WIFE JUST GOES-- SHE JUST YELLS AT ME,

"SHUT THE DAMN WINDOW!"

AND I YELL BACK AT HER, "I'M DOING IT!"

AND WE'RE NOT FIGHTING.

WE'RE JUST COMMUNICATING IN A TIMELY FASHION.

[applause]

THERE'S NO TIME TO GET OFFENDED.

"WHERE ARE THE KIDS?" "I DON'T KNOW!"

"ARE WE HAVING SEX TONIGHT?"

"IF I'M STILL AWAKE!

I LOVE YOU."

"I LOVE YOU TOO."

PLEASE, YOU DON'T GET OFFENDED.

ONE TIME IN THE MIDDLE OF A FIGHT,

MY WIFE CALLED ME A BLOATED JELLYFISH.

ALL I SAID WAS, "GOOD ONE. GOOD ONE."

BECAUSE I KNOW I HAVE THE REST OF MY LIFE TO GET HER BACK.

THESE FIGHTS NEVER END.

EVER. EVER!

WE GOT IN A FIGHT THREE YEARS AGO

ABOUT THE RIGHT WAY TO LOAD A DISHWASHER.

THREE YEARS AGO!

I REMEMBER HAVING THE FIGHT.

I REMEMBER THINKING I WON THAT FIGHT.

TWO WEEKS AGO, WE'RE OUT WITH ANOTHER COUPLE.

SOMEONE MENTIONED "DISH."

MY WIFE ATTACKED OUT OF NOWHERE.

I THOUGHT IT WAS OVER.

SHE WAS JUST WAITING ME OUT LIKE A CROCODILE IN THE WATER

FOR THREE YEARS...

UNTIL I WALKED BY.

"DISH." [growls]

NEVER ENDS. EVER.

MY PARENTS, MARRIED 44 YEARS.

THEY FIGHT, CALL ME, AND TELL ON EACH OTHER.

THEY DON'T EVEN WANT TO FIGHT TO EACH OTHER ANYMORE.

THE VOICEMAIL MESSAGES I GET ARE INSANE.

"TOM, IT'S YOUR MOTHER.

"YOUR FATHER CUT HIS OWN HAIR AGAIN.

CALL ME."

THE BEST ONE MY FATHER EVER LEFT WAS,

"TOM, IT'S YOUR FATHER.

"YOUR MOTHER WANTS ME TO JAZZERCISE.

"WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?

"DOESN'T SOUND GOOD. I GOT TO GO.

HERE SHE COMES."

YOU'RE JUST ILL-PREPARED.

YOU'RE ILL-PREPARED.

WE DON'T SEE THESE THINGS COMING.

YOU HOOK UP BECAUSE YOU'RE JUST ATTRACTED TO EACH OTHER

AND THEN YOU END UP IN THIS LIFE

AND YOU HAD NO IDEA IT WAS COMING.

YOU KNOW? THIS IS MY LIFE.

I LIVE IN A HOUSE.

I HAVE A WIFE,

I HAVE TWO LITTLE GIRLS,

AND TWO GIRL CATS, AND ME.

YEAH, THAT'S WHY I DRINK, RIGHT THERE.

JUST ME IN A HOUSE FULL OF GIRLS.

JUST LIKE I DREAMED OF WHEN I WAS A LITTLE BOY.

I USED TO SIT ALONE AT NIGHT AND THINK TO MYSELF,

"I CAN'T WAIT TILL I GET RID OF ALL MY FRIENDS

"AND JUST MOVE INTO A HOUSE FILLED WITH GIRLS.

"JUST A MAGICAL PLACE WHERE EVEN THE ANIMALS ARE GIRLS.

"JUST A HOME FILLED WITH EMOTION

AND A HATRED OF EVERYTHING I ENJOY."

AND YOU WOULD THINK FROM THAT DESCRIPTION

THAT I HAVE A WIFE AND TWO DAUGHTERS,

AND YOU'RE WRONG.

I NOW HAVE THREE WIVES.

I HAVE THREE WOMEN WHO BUST MY BALLS

24 HOURS A DAY.

IF THEY HEAR MY CAR KEYS,

THEY POP UP LIKE MEERKATS ALL AROUND THE HOUSE.

FROM BEHIND THE COUNTER AND THE SOFA.

"WHERE'S HE GOING?" "I DON'T KNOW.

"WHERE IS HE GOING?

HE DIDN'T TELL ME HE WAS GOING OUT."

"HE DIDN'T TELL ME EITHER."

THEY FOLLOW ME OUT OF THE HOUSE.

"WHEN YOU COMING BACK? WHO YOU GOING WITH?"

WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED?

I THOUGHT I WAS GONNA BE LIKE ONE OF THOSE MAFIA HUSBANDS,

YOU KNOW, LIKE YOU SEE IN THE MOVIES.

RIGHT? THE WIFE COMES UP,

"WHERE YOU GOING TONIGHT, HONEY?"

"WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT ASKING ABOUT MY BUSINESS?

THAT'S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS."

RIGHT?

AND HE GOES OUT FOR, LIKE, A WEEK AND A HALF,

NO QUESTIONS ASKED.

THAT'S HOW I THOUGHT IT WAS GONNA GO.

NO, INSTEAD I GOT MY LITTLE CELL PHONE,

MY LITTLE HUSBAND GPS TRACKING DEVICE.

GOT TO GIVE HER UPDATES OF WHERE I AM 24 HOURS A DAY.

"I'M IN THE SUPER MARKET. IT'S GOING GREAT.

"UH-OH, THERE'S A WOMAN WALKING THIS WAY.

"WHAT DO I DO? THIS IS STUPID.

"I'M JUST GONNA COME HOME.

"I SHOULDN'T BE OUT BY MYSELF.

I'M GONNA GET IN TROUBLE OUT HERE."

NO, DON'T SEE IT COMING.

AND GUYS DON'T SEE IT COMING MORE THAN WOMEN,

'CAUSE WE HAVE NO IDEA ABOUT MARRIAGE OUR WHOLE LIVES.

WE DON'T THINK ABOUT IT, RIGHT?

MY DAUGHTERS ARE ALREADY-- IT'S IN THEIR BRAINS.

THEY THINK ABOUT MARRIAGE. GIRLS THINK ABOUT IT.

WHETHER YOU WANT TO DO IT OR NOT,

IT'S IN YOUR BRAIN.

GUYS? NEVER. NEVER.

WOULD YOU EVER HANG OUT WHEN YOU WERE LITTLE

WITH ALL YOUR LITTLE GUY FRIENDS?

"LET'S PLAY MARRY.

"LET'S PRETEND I JUST CAME HOME FROM THE STORE

AND BROUGHT ALL THE WRONG STUFF AND YOU YELL AT ME."

NO, WE DON'T CARE. WE DON'T CARE.

EVEN WHEN WE'RE GETTING MARRIED, WE DON'T CARE.

THAT'S WHY THERE'S "BRIDE" MAGAZINE.

THERE'S NO "GROOM" MAGAZINE.

WHAT ARTICLE COULD BE IN "GROOM" MAGAZINE?

WHY YOU SHOULDN'T STARE AT THE BRIDESMAID'S ASS?

WHAT?

EVEN WHEN IT'S THE MOST IMPORTANT DAY OF OUR LIVES,

WE DON'T EVEN WEAR OUR OWN CLOTHES.

WE RENT OTHER MEN'S CLOTHES.

"HERE'S A PAIR OF PANTS THAT SOMEONE ELSE THREW UP ON.

IS THAT GONNA BOTHER YOU?"

"NO, IT'S COOL. I'LL SEE YOU ON MONDAY."

AT A TOTAL DISADVANTAGE.

BUT WOMEN, YOU MAKE THE MISTAKE

OF THINKING THAT MEN ARE GONNA MAKE YOU HAPPY.

AND THAT, I HAVE TO TELL YOU, IS A DUMB THING TO DO.

DON'T PIN YOUR HAPPINESS ON MEN, PLEASE.

OUR LEVELS OF HAPPINESS DON'T MATCH UP.

HE CAN'T DO IT. IT'S IMPOSSIBLE.

AND YOU THINK EACH STEP YOU GO IS GONNA BRING YOU CLOSER.

"WELL, MAYBE IF HE JUST GOES OUT WITH ME AND NOBODY ELSE,

THEN I'LL BE HAPPY."

NO.

"WELL, MAYBE IF WE GET ENGAGED AND I HAVE A BIG RING

"AND I CAN TELL EVERYBODY WE'RE GONNA GET MARRIED,

THEN I'LL BE HAPPY."

NO.

"WELL, MAYBE IF I GET MARRIED

"AND DRESS UP LIKE A SNOW PRINCESS

"AND HAVE A BIG MOUNTAIN OF SHRIMP

AND A CHOCOLATE WATERFALL, THEN I [gibberish]."

NO.

YOU PUT A MAN IN A CONCRETE ROOM

WITH NO ONE TO TALK TO, NO FURNITURE, NOTHING.

HE IS HAPPY.

AND THEN SHE WALKS IN.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN HERE BY YOURSELF?

YOU LOOK ALL SAD."

"NO, I'M HAPPY."

"BUT YOU GOT NO ONE TO TALK TO. DOESN'T THAT MAKE YOU SAD?"

"WELL, NOW I'M TALKING TO YOU AND NOW I'M MISERABLE."

NO, THE WHOLE THING IS UP TO THE WOMEN.

AND THANK GOD.

IF IT WASN'T UP TO YOU, WE WOULDN'T--

WE'D JUST ALL BE ROLLING AROUND IN THE MUD

AND THROWING UP ON EACH OTHER AND PEEING ON THINGS.

IT JUST--IT WOULDN'T WORK.

THE WHOLE THING IS UP TO YOU. IT IS.

THE FIRST TIME I SAW MY WIFE, I WASN'T THINKING,

"OH, SHE HAS GOOD BIRTHING HIPS.

LET ME MOUNT THAT."

NO.

I WAS JUST THINKING, "NEW SEX! YAY!"

IT'S A POWERFUL MOMENT, ISN'T IT?

YOU SEE HER. SHE SEES YOU.

THERE'S THAT ATTRACTION.

YOU CONVINCE HER THAT YOU'RE NOT A RAPIST.

THAT'S A SPECIAL NIGHT. RIGHT?

SHE BRINGS YOU BACK TO HER ROOM FOR THE FIRST TIME.

A GIRL'S ROOM.

IS THERE ANYTHING MORE HEAVENLY ON EARTH?

IT'S LIKE A GENIE BOTTLE IN THERE, RIGHT?

PILLOWS EVERYWHERE.

YOU RUB IN THE RIGHT SPOT,

ALL YOUR WISHES COME TRUE.

AND YOU ALL WORK THE ROOMS TOTALLY DIFFERENT.

LITTLE TOUCHES, LITTLE TAPESTRIES ON THE DRESSER,

LITTLE BEADS ON THE BED POST,

WEIRD BOTTLES UP ON THE SHELVES FILLED WITH NOTHING.

IT'S LIKE A MAGIC CASTLE.

BUT THEN YOU GET MARRIED AND THEN YOU REALIZE

IT'S YOUR ROOM TOO.

THAT'S NOT COOL. THERE'S NO MYSTERY LEFT.

THEN YOU REALIZE SHE HAS ALL THOSE EMPTY BOTTLES UP THERE

'CAUSE SHE'S LAZY.

SHE JUST BUYS STUFF AND DOESN'T THROW IT OUT.

THEN YOU DON'T HAVE NEW SEX ANYMORE.

YOU HAVE OLD SEX.

STILL GOOD, BUT NOT THAT OFTEN.

GOT TO HAVE A LOT OF FREE TIME NOW.

YOU GOT TO FILL IN A LOT OF YAPPING.

A LOT OF YAP-YAP-YAP-YAPPING.

THEN YOU REACH THAT POINT WHERE YOU'RE LIKE,

"I LOVE YOU. I REALLY DO.

"BUT IF YOU TELL ME THAT STORY ABOUT YOU IN HIGH SCHOOL

ONE MORE TIME, I'M GONNA BURY YOU IN THE YARD."

AND THIS IS WHERE THE WHOLE SYSTEM KICKS IN.

THIS IS WHY YOU END UP WITH KIDS.

YOU NEED NEW MATERIAL.

YOU NEED SOMEONE ELSE TO TALK TO

AND THEN YOU CREATE THE WORST ROOMMATES ON THE PLANET.

HORRIBLE PEOPLE TO LIVE WITH. HORRIBLE.

IF YOU DON'T HAVE KIDS, IMAGINE HAVING A ROOMMATE

THAT COMES INTO YOUR ROOM, TAKES SOMETHING YOU LOVE,

SMASHES IT IN FRONT OF YOU,

AND THEN WALKS OUT OF THE ROOM...

THEN COMES BACK, PEES ON IT,

AND LAUGHS IN YOUR FACE.

THEY'RE ANIMALS.

YOU EVER OPEN UP A PACK OF M&Ms

AROUND LITTLE KIDS?

THEY COME AT YOU LIKE GOATS IN A PETTING ZOO.

NO HANDS, JUST HEADS.

[imitating sheep]

AND THAT'S WHAT BRINGS YOU BACK TOGETHER.

YOU'RE LIKE, "I HATE THEM."

"I HATE THEM TOO."

"I LOVE YOU." "I LOVE YOU TOO."

THE WORST PART IS THAT THEY DON'T REALLY LIKE YOU THAT MUCH.

KIDS DON'T.

I LIKE MY KIDS. I LIKE 'EM A LOT.

THEY DON'T LIKE ME. THEY DON'T.

IF YOU LIKE SOMEONE, WOULD YOU WALK UP TO 'EM

WHEN THEY'RE READING THE PAPER AND JUST TEAR IT

OUT OF THEIR HANDS?

NO, YOU WOULDN'T DO THAT.

WOULD YOU COCK-BLOCK THEM EVERY NIGHT OF THE WEEK?

NOT TO SOMEONE YOU LIKED.

THEY JUST LOOK AT ME AS A SOURCE FOR FOOD.

AND THEY'LL LIE RIGHT TO MY FACE.

RIGHT TO MY FACE. THEY WILL.

THEY DON'T CARE.

THIS IS THE THING.

YOU LOVE KIDS IN AN UNCONTROLLABLE WAY.

LIKE, IF YOU LOVE ANOTHER PERSON,

YOU'RE IN LOVE WITH YOUR GUY OR YOUR GIRL,

YOU CAN CONTROL IT, YOU CAN PUT THE BRAKES ON IT.

"I'M NOT GONNA LOVE HER THIS MUCH.

I DON'T WANT TO EXPOSE MYSELF AND KEEP IT BACK."

KIDS, THERE'S A CASCADING LOVE.

IT'S HELPLESS.

YOU WILL KILL FOR THEM AND YOU'RE IN FREE FALL.

AND THEY LOOK AT YOU LIKE, "EH, I COULD DO BETTER.

IF I GET SOME OF THOSE KEYS THAT HE'S GOT, I'M OUT OF HERE."

MY LITTLE ONE CAME UP TO ME LAST WEEK.

"I WANT SOME TEDDY GRAHAMS.

GIVE ME SOME TEDDY GRAHAMS."

"NO, YOU JUST HAD TEDDY GRAHAMS."

"NO, I DIDN'T."

"YES, YOU DID. I GAVE THEM TO YOU."

"NOW, WHY YOU GOT TO GO MAKE ME UPSET?

JUST GET ME SOME TEDDY GRAHAMS!"

"WHAT ARE YOU, A LITTLE WHITE PIMP?

WHO'S IN MY KITCHEN?"

"JUST GIVE ME SOME MOTHER-LOVING TEDDY GRAHAMS.

"WHY YOU JIBBER-JABBER? [gibberish]

"IF MY ARMS WERE LONGER, I WOULD GET

"THE TEDDY GRAHAMS MYSELF.

WHY YOU GOT TO BE--"

"WHO ARE YOU IN MY HOUSE?"

BUT I FOUND SOMETHING OUT.

IF YOU EVER END UP WITH KIDS

AND YOU WANT A LITTLE ADVANTAGE OVER THEM,

RAISE THEM HERE IN NEW YORK,

BECAUSE THE WEATHER IS SO BAD,

IT CREATES GLOOMY CHILDREN.

IT'S PERFECT.

WE WERE IN L.A. AND JUST THE SUNSHINE--

THE KIDS WERE SO FILLED WITH JOY AND HOPE AND ENERGY.

AND EVERY DAY, "CAN WE GO TO THE PARK?

"CAN WE THROW A BALL? CAN WE GO IN THE POOL?

CAN WE? CAN WE? CAN WE?"

ANNOYING.

HERE, THEY JUST SIT IN THE APARTMENT

AND STARE OUT AT THE RAIN FOR HOURS.

AND THEY JUST WATCH THE WATER FALLING

AND THEY GET ALL SAD AND PENSIVE

AND CONTEMPLATE WHAT WENT WRONG

IN THEIR FIRST SEVEN YEARS ON THE PLANET

AND THEY REALIZE I CAN'T HELP

AND I'M JUST READING A BOOK AND I'M HAPPY.

SO MUCH BETTER. IT IS.

IT'S SO MUCH BETTER. LISTEN.

I DON'T CARE IF KIDS PLAY. THAT'S COOL.

I'M FINE WITH THAT.

BUT NOW THIS CULTURE--

PARENTS ARE SUPPOSED TO PLAY WITH THE KIDS NON-STOP.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND-- THAT NEVER HAPPENED.

THERE WAS KIDS AND GROWN-UPS.

DON'T YOU REMEMBER THAT BEING A THING?

LIKE, WHEN WE WEREN'T ALL THE SAME.

DON'T YOU REMEMBER? RIGHT?

MY FATHER WASN'T SOME HIRED PARTY CLOWN WHEN I WAS A KID.

HE WAS THE FATHER. HE WAS THE DAD.

THAT WAS A DIFFERENT DEAL.

HE WAS THE KING OF HIS CASTLE.

HE WAS, AND THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT I'D BE.

I WAS LIKE, "ALL RIGHT, I'M GONNA HAVE KIDS?

"I'M GONNA BE THE KING OF THE CASTLE.

I'M GONNA MAKE PEOPLE AND RULE THEM."

THAT DOESN'T EXIST.

THAT'S AN OLD VERSION OF DAD.

THERE'S A NEW KIND OF DAD NOW.

NOW YOU'RE PART MOM, PART DAD.

YOU'RE LIKE THIS USELESS HERMAPHRODITE

JUST HANGING AROUND THE HOUSE.

THERE'S NO RESPECT FOR FATHERS.

EVEN THE CARTOONS THE KIDS WATCH.

"HERE COMES DAD!"

[vocalizing tune]

"WHAT A DOUCHEBAG!"

[vocalizing tune]

DO YOU REMEMBER YOUR FATHER COMING HOME FROM WORK?

IT WAS LIKE THE BAD GUY COMING BACK TO THE TOWN

IN THE WILD WEST.

MY MOTHER WOULD GATHER US IN THE KITCHEN.

"YOUR FATHER'S COMING!

"DON'T LOOK HIM IN THE EYE.

"HE'S GONNA TAKE YOUR HEAD RIGHT OFF.

"HE LOVES YOU.

HE JUST DOESN'T WANT TO SEE OR HEAR FROM YOU."

I GET HOME,

IT'S LIKE THE CAMP COUNSELOR JUST GOT THERE.

"HERE'S THE KIDS. I'M GOING FOR A MASSAGE.

SEE YOU LATER, JACKASS."

[voice breaking] "OKAY."

MY FATHER WOULD LAY OUT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE PLAY ROOM.

JUST SLEEP IN THE MIDDLE OF THE PLAY ROOM.

JUST ON THE FLOOR-- JUST LAY THERE.

AND MY MOTHER WOULD,

[whispering] "IT'S YOUR FATHER!

"SHH! GET OUT OF THE HOUSE!

"GET OUT! IT'S YOUR FATHER!

HE WORKS HARD! GET OUT!"

"BUT IT'S RAINING."

[whispering] "GET OUT!"

I TRY AND SLEEP IN MY HOUSE,

PEOPLE ARE POKING ME IN THE FACE.

LITERALLY OPENING MY EYES.

"ARE YOU AWAKE? ARE YOU AWAKE?

"WE NEED YOU TO HOOK UP THE WII.

"HOOK UP THE WII. HOOK UP THE WII.

"HOOK UP THE WII. HOOK IT.

HOOK IT UP! HOOK IT UP!"

I HIDE IN THE BATHROOM.

THAT'S MY ONLY PLACE TO HIDE.

I PAY FOR THE WHOLE PLACE.

I SIT IN THE BATHROOM LIKE AN IDIOT.

AND THEY START POUNDING ON THE DOOR.

AND, LIKE, A NORMAL PERSON, IF SOMEONE DOESN'T ANSWER,

"OH, THEY'RE BUSY. I'LL COME BACK LATER."

NO, THEY GET ON THE GROUND,

TWO EYES LOOKING UP AT ME.

THE OTHER ONE STARTS WIGGLING FINGERS UNDERNEATH.

THEN THE CAT GETS INVOLVED.

THE PAW COMES UNDER.

IT'S LIKE AN ATTACK OF THE NEEDY IDIOTS.

AND IT'S OUR GENERATION'S COMPLETELY INFANTILE GUYS.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY WE'RE NOT GROWN-UPS.

THESE--YOU SHOULD SEE THESE DADS AT THE PARK.

THEY DRESS LIKE THE KIDS.

THEY'RE IN CONVERSE AND THEY'RE DRESSED

EXACTLY LIKE THEIR LITTLE SIX-YEAR-OLDS

AND THEY'RE HIGH-FIVING AND TRYING TO BE COOL

AND ACCEPTED BY THE EIGHT-YEAR-OLDS.

WHOO!

ARE YOU KIDDING?

I'VE WAITED MY WHOLE LIFE TO BE A MAN.

I WANT TO SIT IN THE PARK ON A BENCH

AND SMOKE A CIGAR AND DRINK A MARTINI

AND HAVE MY KIDS LOOK AT ME FROM THE SWINGS AND THINK,

"I'M NOT GONNA EVEN ASK HIM TO PUSH.

THERE'S NO WAY HE'S GETTING UP."

AND THEN THE ONE TIME I DO GET UP, IT'LL BE SPECIAL.

IT'LL BE LIKE, "WOW! HE LOVES US!"

AND THEY'LL TELL THEIR KIDS AND IT'LL BE A THING.

IT'LL BE, "REMEMBER THE TIME WHEN HE GOT UP

AND HE PUSHED US ON THE-- [gibberish]?"

AND HOW IRRESPONSIBLE IS IT OF THE PARENTS

TO TELL KIDS THAT THEY SHOULDN'T

GET THEIR OWN FRIENDS THEIR AGE.

WE'RE NOT FRIENDS.

I HAVE SEX WITH YOUR MOTHER.

WE'RE NOT HANGING OUT.

WE ARE ENEMIES ON A COSMIC LEVEL.

YOU'RE TRYING TO DESTROY ME.

I'M TRYING TO DESTROY YOU.

THAT'S THE WAY IT GOES, AND IT IS.

THEY ARE TRYING TO DESTROY US.

THEY'RE SLOWLY TRYING TO DESTROY US.

I SEE PICTURES OF US WHEN WE FIRST GOT MARRIED.

I CAN'T BELIEVE IT. IT WAS ONLY TEN YEARS AGO.

TEN YEARS AGO.

WE JUST LOOKED LIKE SO FILLED WITH HOPE, MY WIFE AND I.

JUST BRIGHT EYES AND HAIR.

I HAD SO MUCH HAIR.

JUST LOOKED GREAT.

WE LOOKED LIKE WE WERE ON OUR WAY TO VEGAS.

YOU KNOW THAT FEELING WHEN YOU'RE ON YOUR WAY?

YOU'RE LIKE, "ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN. YAY!"

NOW ALL THE SHOTS OF US LOOK LIKE

WE'RE ON THE RETURN FLIGHT

AFTER WE GOT OUR ASS KICKED IN VEGAS.

JUST BLOODSHOT EYES AND MESSY HAIR.

[chuckles]

IT'S AWFUL.

IT COMPLETELY CHANGES EVERYTHING.

AND THIS IS THE HARDEST PART, BECAUSE YOU LOOK UP--

I LOVE WOMEN. I'VE ALWAYS BEEN WITH GIRLS.

I'VE HAD LONG RELATIONSHIPS.

I'VE ALWAYS RESPECTED THEM.

AND NOW THIS WAS THE ULTIMATE WOMAN.

THIS IS THE ROMANTIC STORY OF MY LIFE.

THE WOMAN I'M GONNA MARRY.

ROMANCE TILL THE END OF TIME.

BUT THEN YOU HAVE KIDS AND PETS AND IN-LAWS

AND MORTGAGES AND ALL THIS OTHER CRAP.

THERE'S NO TIME FOR ROMANCE.

WE ARE NOW BUSINESS PARTNERS

IN THIS AWFUL NON-PROFIT ORGANIZATION.

WE ARE WORKING OUR ASS FOR NOTHING.

FOR NOTHING.

"WELL, IT'S FOR A GOOD CAUSE."

[mocking laugh]

IT'S AWFUL.

IT TOTALLY CHANGES EVERYTHING.

IN THE BEGINNING, MY WIFE WAS THE HOT CHICK

WHO I HAD SEX WITH.

I'D JUST SIT ON THE COUCH AND WATCH HER GO BY.

"HEY!"

NOW SHE'S THE "WASH YOUR HANDS" LADY.

NOW SHE JUST RUNS AROUND THE HOUSE

YELLING AT ALL OF US 24 HOURS A DAY.

"DID YOU WASH YOUR HANDS? DID YOU WASH YOUR HANDS?

DID YOU WASH YOUR HANDS? DID YOU WASH HER HANDS?"

[gibberish]

SHE'S LIKE A HUMAN TISSUE BOX.

PULLS WIPES OUT OF EVERY ORIFICE ON HER BODY.

"TAKE A WIPE. TAKE A WIPE. TAKE A WIPE. TAKE A WIPE.

TAKE A WIPE."

SO NOW I GOT TO BE TURNED ON

BY THE "WASH YOUR HANDS" LADY.

IT'S TRICKY.

AND SHE DOESN'T LOOK AT ME LIKE A SEXUAL BEING.

I'M LIKE THIS WEIRD WEATHERMAN THAT SHE LIVES WITH, APPARENTLY.

IT'S MY JOB TO TELL HER THE WEATHER 24 HOURS A DAY.

AS SOON AS SHE WAKES UP IN THE MORNING,

"IS IT COLD OUT? HOW COLD IS IT GONNA BE?

"DO I NEED A JACKET? DO I NEED TWO JACKETS?

"WHAT THE HELL DO YOU KNOW?

YOU'RE ALWAYS HOTTER THAN ME ANYWAY."

SO YOU PUT THE "WASH YOUR HANDS" LADY

AND THE WEATHERMAN TOGETHER,

IT'S NOT A REAL SEXUAL VIBE GOING ON.

AND LOOK, I LOVE THIS WOMAN. SHE'S GREAT.

SHE'S--YOU KNOW, SHE'S GREAT. I LOVE HER.

BUT SHE IS NOW THE SCARIEST WOMAN I KNOW.

AND SHE HAS TO BE, 'CAUSE THESE DEMONS

ARE TRYING TO KILL US.

SHE HAS TO BECOME MORE POWERFUL THAN THEY ARE.

WE HEAR HER COMING DOWN THE HALLWAY,

ALL THREE OF US JUST FREAK OUT.

"DID EVERYBODY DO-- ARE YOU SURE? DID YOU?

ARE YOU SURE YOU DID EVERYTHING?"

[deep voice] "WHO LEFT OUT

THE BATHROOM TOWELS?"

[roars]

[mouthing silently]

AND NO LOYALTY.

WE SELL EACH OTHER OUT IMMEDIATELY.

"IT WAS THE LITTLE ONE! IT WAS THE LITTLE ONE!"

AND SHE CAN'T DEFEND HERSELF.

"WHERE ARE YOU TAKING ME?"

AND I'M KISSING HER ASS, "GOOD JOB, HONEY!

TOWELS ARE IMPORTANT!"

[deep voice] "I'LL BE BACK FOR YOU!"

"OKAY!

I'LL BE CLEANING SOMETHING."

SHE DOES EVERYTHING. SHE DOES IT ALL.

SHE TAKES CARE OF THE KIDS. SHE DOES ALL OF IT, YOU KNOW?

I MEAN ALL OF IT. I DON'T EVEN--

SHE HAS AN ATTACHMENT WITH THESE CHILDREN

THAT I WOULD NEVER-- I DON'T HAVE IT.

WE GO OUT TO DINNER, SOON AS WE GET IN THE CAR,

SHE STARTS CRYING, "I MISS THEM ALREADY."

I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHO SHE'S TALKING ABOUT.

GOD FORBID, IF ANYTHING EVER HAPPENED TO MY WIFE,

I WOULD HAVE TO REMARRY IMMEDIATELY...TO ANYONE.

JUST DRIVE DOWN THE STREET, "HEY.

"YOU WANT TO LIVE INSIDE FOR A WHILE?

"NO, BRING THE CART. BRING THE CART.

THAT'LL COME IN HANDY."

AND THE KIDS ARE COOL, YOU KNOW?

THEY'RE COOL. THEY'RE GETTING BIGGER.

IT'S COOL. YOU CAN TALK NOW.

IT'S FUN.

YOU CAN HANG OUT WITH 'EM, YOU KNOW?

HEY, LISTEN, SMALL TALK, TO ME,

WITH CHILDREN, IS SO MUCH BETTER

THAN SMALL TALK WITH ADULTS, RIGHT?

I MEAN, AT LEAST THEY'RE COMING UP WITH NEW THOUGHTS,

TRYING NEW IDEAS.

I WAS AT A WEDDING WITH THESE GROWN-UPS I KIND OF KNOW.

THEY'RE JUST REGURGITATING STORIES

THEY'VE SAID FOR 50 YEARS.

THERE'S NOT ONE ORIGINAL THOUGHT.

IT'S JUST CLICHES AND--

"OH, HOW'S WORK, DON?"

"WELL, STILL A MILLION BUCKS SHY

"OF BEING A MILLIONAIRE.

[chuckles]

"I GOT MY COMMUTE DOWN TO ABOUT AN HOUR

"IF I TAKE THE BACK ROAD.

"IF I TAKE THE HIGHWAY... [gibberish]

"AND THE GAS PRICES ARE... [gibberish]

AND MY GOLF GAME... BAA!"

SHOOT ME IN THE FACE.

MY DAUGHTER WALKED IN THE OTHER DAY.

FIRST THING OUT OF HER MOUTH,

"MOM'S BREATH SMELLS LIKE A TACO."

"GREAT. LET'S TALK ABOUT THAT.

WHY'S IT SMELL LIKE A TACO?"

"I DON'T KNOW. NORMALLY SMELLS LIKE PLASTIC,

"BUT TODAY IT SMELLED LIKE A TACO.

"I THINK THERE WAS A UNICORN IN MY ROOM LAST NIGHT.

"I SAW SOME SPARKLES.

DO YOU SMELL A RAINBOW? I THINK I SMELL A RAINBOW."

"YOU'RE AWESOME.

"I DON'T EVEN HAVE TO GET HIGH WITH YOU.

THIS IS AMAZING."

[laughter and applause]

[chuckles]

WHO SMELLS RAINBOWS?

BUT ALL THE SCHOOLS IN OUR NEIGHBORHOOD NOW

ARE RUN BY EX-HIPPIES AND POTHEADS.

EVERYWHERE WE GO, "WE DON'T BELIEVE IN GRADES HERE, MAN,

OR RULES OR STRESSING OUT YOUR CHILD IN ANY WAY."

WELL, I DON'T BELIEVE THAT'S A SCHOOL.

I WANT A REAL SCHOOL.

THE FAT LUNCH LADY, CAN'T FIGURE OUT

WHO'S HITTING HER IN THE HEAD WITH TATER TOTS, RIGHT?

THE PRINCIPAL'S A VIETNAM VET,

CHAIN SMOKING IN THE PARKING LOT,

STARING AT THE ASIAN KIDS ALL WEIRD.

THAT'S WHY YOU GO TO SCHOOL.

LEARN THAT ADULTS ARE JUST AS SCREWED UP AS YOU ARE, RIGHT?

I HAD A BAD HEALTH TEACHER WHEN I WAS GOING THROUGH PUBERTY.

SHE MESSED ME UP FOR YEARS.

SHE WAS EXPLAINING WET DREAMS.

SHE SAID, "YOUR SPERM IS NOCTURNAL,

"WHICH MEANS IT ONLY COMES OUT AT NIGHT,

LIKE A RACCOON OR A POSSUM."

FOR YEARS, I HAD NIGHTMARES THAT AS I WAS SLEEPING,

MY SPERM WAS OUT RUMMAGING THROUGH GARBAGE CANS.

I COME DOWN IN THE MORNING ALL PARANOID,

EATING MY CEREAL, "ANYBODY SEE ANYTHING WEIRD

LAST NIGHT?"

I'M GLAD WE GOT IT OVER WITH THOUGH, YOU KNOW?

I DIDN'T WANT TO BE ONE OF THESE PEOPLE--65, 70--

DECIDING TO HAVE KIDS.

THAT'S CREEPY.

JUST 'CAUSE SCIENCE SAYS YOU CAN,

DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD.

IT'S NOT FAIR TO THE KIDS EITHER.

OLD SPERM MAKES OLD-SPERM KIDS.

IT'S TRUE. I SEE 'EM AT THE PARK.

THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.

YOUNG-SPERM KIDS DOING FLIPS ON THE MONKEY BARS,

CLIMBING TREES, RUNNING REAL FAST.

OLD-SPERM KIDS IN A SWEATER ON THE BENCH.

ALL COLD AND SHAKY IN THE MIDDLE OF JULY.

AND A LOT OF WEIRD TWINS TOO. YOU NOTICE THAT?

THERE'S ALL THIS IN VITRO CLONING GOING ON.

THEY'RE POPPING TWINS OUT LEFT AND RIGHT.

AND THEY'RE NOT LIKE NORMAL TWINS,

WHICH ARE CREEPY ENOUGH.

THESE ARE, LIKE, SHIFTY AND PARANOID,

'CAUSE THEY KNOW THEY'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE HERE.

THERE'S A PAIR IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD,

I CALL 'EM LITTLE JOHNNY TWO-HEAD,

'CAUSE THEY ALWAYS WALK SINGLE FILE.

YOU THINK IT'S ONE KID COMING AT YOU,

THEN AT THE LAST MINUTE, THE OTHER ONE POPS HIS HEAD OUT.

AND THEY'RE ALWAYS SAYING WEIRD STUFF TO ME TOO.

THEY'RE LIKE, "CAN WE SWIM IN YOUR POOL?"

"WE WON'T EAT YOUR LIVER."

"GET OUT OF HERE, TWO-HEAD. YOU'RE FREAKING ME OUT."

[chuckles]

OH, THIS IS FUN.

[cheers and applause]

I WENT TO THE OPERA LAST WEEK. THAT'S BIZARRE.

THIS IS SO MUCH BETTER ENTERTAINMENT, DON'T YOU THINK?

OH, PLEASE.

I MEAN, NOTHING AGAINST OPERA SINGERS.

IT'S KIND OF IMPRESSIVE, BUT SINGING--

JUST THE ACT OF SINGING IS SO BIZARRE, YOU KNOW?

IT'S LIKE OUR APE-LIKE ATTEMPT TO BE ANGELIC.

WHO WAS THE FIRST ONE TO LET THAT OUT?

"[singing] AHH!

"WATCH THIS NOISE COME OUT OF MY FACE.

[singing] AHH!"

"WHAT IS HE DOING?"

[off-key vocalizing]

"IS HE CALLING THE OTHERS?

LET'S GET OUT OF HERE."

SINGING IS BIZARRE.

YOU EVER HAVE SOMEONE SING AT YOU

AND MAKE EYE CONTACT?

UGH!

IT'S LIKE YOU'RE BEING MOLESTED.

[off-key vocalizing]

GET OUT OF HERE.

THINK I'VE BEEN DATE RAPED.

[chuckles]

I CAN'T WAIT TILL THIS IS OVER.

NOT FOR THAT.

I'VE BEEN TRYING TO BE GOOD

IN NOT EATING ALL WEEK AND TRYING TO BE--

I CAN'T STAND IT.

I LIKE--I FEEL LIKE I WANT TO BE FAT.

I REALLY--DON'T YOU WANT TO BE FAT?

ISN'T IT TOO MUCH WORK TRYING TO WORK YOUR ASS OFF

TRYING TO BE-- SKINNY IS A PAIN IN THE ASS.

I WOULD JUST--I JUST WANT TO EAT.

I FEEL LIKE I'VE GOT RESPONSIBLE ME AND FAT ME

ALL IN THE SAME HEAD.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

RESPONSIBLE ME IS LIKE, "I GOT THE SNEAKERS.

LET'S GO TO THE GYM."

AND FAT ME KNOCKS 'EM OUT OF HIS HAND.

"HEY! WHO WANTS WINGS?"

"YAY! FAT ME, YOU'RE THE BEST!"

THIS WAS FAT ME THE OTHER NIGHT.

I LITERALLY WAS SCRAPING FOOD INTO THE GARBAGE

AND TAKING BITES OF IT AT THE SAME TIME.

YOU EVER DO THAT?

[guttural voice] "ONE FOR YOU AND ONE FOR ME."

YOU START FEELING GUILTY.

LIKE, OTHER PEOPLE, YOU DON'T WANT 'EM TO SEE.

[growling]

YOU'RE LIKE A RACCOON IN YOUR OWN KITCHEN.

[grumbling]

IT'S FUN GETTING FAT.

I WENT TO THE CHEESECAKE FACTORY FOR THE FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE.

HOLY COW!

THIS IS A COMPANY THAT KNOWS WHAT AMERICA WANTS, DON'T THEY?

"YEAH, LET'S PUT 'FACTORY' RIGHT IN THE TITLE.

"LET THESE FAT TUB-O-LARDS THINK THEY CAN COME

"SIT AT THE END OF A CONVEYER BELT

AND HAVE CHEESECAKES RAMMED RIGHT DOWN THEIR THROATS."

[grunting]

EVEN THE WAITERS THINK WE'RE GROSS NOW.

YOU NOTICE AT THE END OF THE MEAL, THEY ASK,

"ARE YOU STILL WORKING ON THAT?"

RIGHT? NOT IF YOU ENJOYED YOURSELF.

"YOU STILL WORKING ON SHOVELING THAT INTO YOUR FAT PIE HOLE?

"YEAH, I'LL GIVE YOU A DOGGIE BAG.

"WE BOTH KNOW YOU DON'T HAVE A DOG.

IF YOU DID, YOU'D EAT IT."

THE WHOLE THING'S TOO MUCH.

AND NOTHING WORSE THAN WHEN THE BIG-BIG WAITRESS

THAT COMES UP AT THE END OF THE MEAL.

THAT'S SO FRIGHTENING, 'CAUSE THE DESSERT THING,

IT ALMOST BECOMES LIKE PORN FOR THEM.

THEY JUST COME BOUNCING UP TO THE TABLE.

"SO...

"DID YOU SAVE SOME ROOM FOR DESSERT?

"YOU'VE GOT TO HAVE ONE OF OUR BROWNIE SUNDAES.

"OH, MY GOD!

"THEY'RE SO GOOD.

"I HAVE ONE IN MY POCKET RIGHT NOW.

[maniacal laughter]

MOO! MOO!"

YOU EVER NOTICE THE SMALLER THE TOWNS IN AMERICA,

THE BIGGER THE PEOPLE?

I WAS IN PADUCAH, KENTUCKY, LAST YEAR.

HOLY COW.

IT WAS LIKE DINOSAURS WERE ROAMING THE EARTH.

REALLY.

THERE WAS ONE SKINNY GUY IN THE TOWN.

HE WAS RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE.

REALLY. AND IT'S NOT THEIR FAULT.

EVERY RESTAURANT YOU GO TO, THEY ASK YOU

THE SAME QUESTION OVER AND OVER AGAIN.

[Southern accent] "YOU WANT CHEESE ON THAT?

YOU WANT CHEESE ON THAT?"

IHOP IN THE MORNING. PANCAKES.

"YOU WANT CHEESE ON THAT?"

"ON PANCAKES?"

"IT'S REALLY GOOD."

AND YOU LOOK AROUND TO SEE WHO ELSE IS EATING IT.

EVERYBODY ELSE IS EATING IT.

EVERYBODY THERE LOOKS LIKE THEY BELONG

IN THE COUNTRY BEAR JAMBOREE.

"GET THE CHEESE ON THAT."

A BOOTH FOR A FAMILY OF FOUR IS BIGGER THAN THIS STAGE.

I SWEAR TO GOD.

LIKE, THE DISTANCE FROM THE BENCH TO THE TABLE

IS SO WIDE SO THEY CAN FIT,

YOU HAVE TO HOP OFF, TAKE BITES,

AND THEN HOP BACK TO YOUR SEAT.

AND WHEN YOU WANT THE CHEESE ON IT,

YOU DON'T SAY YES OR NO.

YOU GOT TO ANSWER THE WAY THEY ANSWER.

YOU SAY, "YOU KNOW I DO."

IT'S CODE WORD.

MEANS WE'RE ALL ON THE SAME PAGE.

"YOU WANT CHEESE ON THAT?"

"I AIN'T NO QUEER. YOU KNOW I DO."

THEY HAD A BACON CHEESEBURGER SOUP.

YEAH, BEAT THE CRAP OUT OF A BACON CHEESEBURGER,

PUT SOME HOT WATER ON IT, "HERE YOU GO, LARDASS.

ENJOY SOMETHING FROM THE DIET MENU."

THE WEIRDEST THING THEY HAD

WERE THESE GIANT STUFFED POTATOES

FILLED WITH BACON SNOUTS AND CHEESE BALLS.

ALL THESE DIFFERENT OPTIONS.

THE WEIRDEST ONE HAD MARSHMALLOWS

AND CARAMEL SAUCE...

IN A POTATO!

AS ONE OF YOUR SIDES!

THIS WOULD MAKE SENSE IF YOU WERE STONED

AT THE COUNTRY FAIR, AND YOUR FRIEND CAME RUNNING UP,

[Southern accent] "LOOK WHAT I FOUND!

"THEY'RE SELLING 'EM BY THE FERRIS WHEEL.

"RUN!

GET THE CHEESE ON IT!"

BUT THEY'RE HAPPY. THEY'RE HAPPY PEOPLE.

DRINK AT THE TABLE, SMOKING,

HAVING HEART ATTACKS, PASSING OUT,

COMING TO, EATING MORE.

THEY'RE NOT WORRIED ABOUT A DAMN THING.

I'M ALL FREAKED OUT ABOUT MY HEALTH NOW.

I'M AT A POINT NOW WHERE I NEVER FEEL THAT GREAT EVER.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? PEOPLE LIKE, "HOW YOU DOING?"

I'M LIKE, "I'M DOING OKAY."

THEN IN MY HEAD, I'M THINKING,

"EXCEPT FOR THAT WEIRD RASH ON MY ELBOW."

THEN I GO HOME ON WEBMD,

"WHY DO I HAVE A WEIRD RASH ON MY ELBOW?"

WEBMD SAYS, "OH, YOU PROBABLY HAVE POISON IVY...OR CANCER."

IS THAT THE WORST WEBSITE IN THE HISTORY OF WEBSITES?

"WHY DO I HAVE THE SNIFFLES?"

"OH, YOU HAVE THE COMMON COLD...

OR NOSE CANCER."

THEY SHOULD JUST RENAME IT "YOUPROBABLYHAVECANCER.COM."

"SEE YOU TOMORROW NIGHT WHEN YOU LOOK UP INSOMNIA, HUH?"

WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO THOUGH?

GO BACK TO THE GYM? CAN'T DO THAT.

IT'S BRUTAL, RIGHT?

'CAUSE EVERYONE IN THE GYM KNOWS

YOU HAVEN'T BEEN THERE IN TEN YEARS.

THEY'RE ALL IN THEIR NIKE HIGH-TECH GEAR.

YOU WALK IN IN JEANS AND PINK LEG WARMERS,

BIG RED, WHITE, AND BLUE HEADBAND,

DOING STRETCHES THAT NOBODY DOES ANYMORE.

MAKING NOISES ON THE TREADMILL

THAT NOBODY ELSE IS MAKING.

[groaning]

YOU LITERALLY SOUND LIKE A WHALE.

LIKE A SAD WHALE.

[high-pitched groan]

THEN YOU HEAR FROM THE OTHER SIDE FROM THE GYM, "WAAA!"

SOME OTHER LARDASS.

NOW YOU'RE COMMUNICATING.

[high-pitched groans and moans]

MY WIFE HATES THAT JOKE.

SHE THINKS IT'S MEAN TO THE WHALES.

YEAH, SHE'S A VEGETARIAN HARDCORE.

OH, NO FUN.

IT'S SUCH A BUMMER.

I HAVE TO SNEAK TURKEY SANDWICHES

IN THE GARAGE LIKE I'M SMOKING WEED.

"ARE YOU OUT THERE?"

"I'M COMING!"

I WALK IN, "YOU LOOK DIFFERENT. WHAT ARE YOU ON?"

"I DON'T KNOW. PROTEIN?"

THE KIDS ARE VEGETARIANS TOO, BY THE WAY.

YEAH, TOMMY ALL ALONE AGAIN.

[chuckles]

MY WIFE'S LIKE, "THEY JUST WANTED TO BE VEGETARIANS.

"ISN'T THAT WEIRD?

THEY JUST CHOSE TO BE VEGETARIANS."

"YEAH, NO, THEY DIDN'T. THEY'RE LITTLE.

YOU BRAINWASHED THEM. I SAW WHAT YOU DID."

SHE'D READ BOOKS TO THEM.

EVERY BOOK HAS, LIKE, A LITTLE PIG

WITH A HAT ON IT AND A BOW TIE.

"AND THEN THEY LIVED HAPPILY EVER AFTER

UNTIL DADDY GOT HUNGRY AND ATE THEM ALL UP."

BUT I'M GONNA GET 'EM BACK.

IF I CAN GET THE BALLS, I'M JUST GONNA COOK BACON

EVERY DAY FOR A WEEK.

I DON'T CARE IF YOU'RE A VEGAN.

YOU WAKE UP TO THE SMELL OF BACON EVERY MORNING,

YOU'LL BE LIKE, "I DON'T CARE WHO WAS IN THAT BOW TIE.

I'M GONNA BITE HIM IN HIS FACE."

[chuckles]

BUT WHO KNOWS? MAYBE SHE'S RIGHT.

I HAVE NO WAY OF KNOWING, YOU KNOW?

MAYBE THEY'RE RIGHT. THINK ABOUT IT.

WHAT IF GOD DIDN'T INTEND FOR US TO EAT THE ANIMALS?

HE MUST HAVE BEEN PRETTY FREAKED OUT WHEN WE STARTED.

RIGHT? ONE OF THE SAINTS COMES UP,

GIVES A REPORT ON EARTH, "HEY, GOD.

"I JUST CHECKED ON THE HUMANS DOWN THERE.

"WE HAVE A PROBLEM.

"WELL, THEY'RE EATING EVERYTHING.

"NO, NOT THE PLANTS.

"LIKE, EVERY ANIMAL YOU EVER CREATED.

"REMEMBER HOW YOU THOUGHT THEY'D BE FRIENDS WITH THE COW?

THEY'RE NOT GETTING ALONG AT ALL."

WHAT'S WEIRD TO ME IS THAT WE ATE ALL THESE ANIMALS

AND THEN JUST STOPPED AT DOG AND CAT.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

RUN AROUND THE WHOLE PLANET, "NA-NA-NA-NA-NA-NA!

"NO, NO.

"NO.

"I'M GONNA TEACH THIS ONE SOME TRICKS.

YES, I AM. YES, I AM."

IT'S ONLY A MATTER OF TIME BEFORE THIS COUNTRY

STARTS COOKING ITS PETS, DON'T YOU THINK?

HOW MANY NEW MEALS CAN TACO BELL POSSIBLY COME UP WITH?

REALLY?

THEY ARE ONE BAD IDEA AWAY FROM A KITTY-CHANGA.

DON'T YOU THINK?

THEY'RE PROBABLY ALREADY COOKING OUR PETS.

YOU HAVEN'T SEEN THAT CHIHUAHUA AROUND IN A WHILE, HAVE YOU?

I GO TO VEGAN RESTAURANTS WITH HER.

YOU EVER TRY THAT?

YOU EVER GO TO A VEGAN RESTAURANT?

OH, IT'S A BUMMER OF A NIGHT.

YOU WANT TO CELEBRATE LIFE, YOU GO TO A STEAK HOUSE.

PEOPLE ARE FILLED WITH JOY.

BEER AND WINE, PEOPLE SLASHING EACH OTHER WITH KNIVES,

BLOOD DRIPPING OFF YOUR CHIN.

EVERYBODY'S LAUGHING, POUNDING ON THE TABLES.

[hearty laugh]

YOU GO TO A VEGAN RESTAURANT, NOBODY'S LAUGHING.

THEY'RE SO WEAK, THEY DON'T EVEN HAVE THE BREATH.

[wheezing]

SHE'S GOT TWO CATS. LOVES 'EM TO DEATH.

LOVES 'EM. ONE'S HEALTHY, ONE'S DIABETIC.

YEAH, A DIABETIC CAT.

THAT WASN'T EVEN A TERM TEN YEARS AGO.

THAT WAS CALLED "NEW CAT."

AND A HEALTHY CAT, DOES THAT EVEN EXIST?

ALL A CAT DOES IS EAT AND THEN ALMOST THROW UP ALL DAY LONG.

JUST WALKS AROUND THE HOUSE 24 HOURS A DAY...

[gagging]

WOULD YOU EVER HANG OUT WITH A HUMAN BEING THAT DID THIS?

EVER? "THAT WAS A REALLY GOOD MEA--

"I'M GOOD. I'M GOOD.

WANT TO GO SEE THAT MOVIE? I WAS THINKING WE SHOULD--"

THAT'S THE HEALTHY ONE.

THE OTHER ONE, $3,000 TO FIND OUT IT WAS A DIABETIC CAT.

3 GRAND.

AND WHEN THEY BRING IT BACK, IT'S NOT A HEALTHY CAT.

IT'S STILL A DIABETIC CAT.

WE HAVE TO GIVE IT SHOTS OF INSULIN IN ITS NECK

TWO TIMES A DAY, PUT PILLS ON THE END OF A STICK,

SHOVE IT DOWN ITS THROAT, FIRE 'EM IN THERE.

IT'S BITING AND PEEING ON US.

I WOULDN'T DO THIS TO KEEP MY WIFE ALIVE.

I WOULDN'T. I'D BE LIKE,

"BABY, WE HAD A GOOD RUN. WE REALLY DID.

"I DON'T WANT TO REMEMBER YOU THIS WAY.

GET IN THE CARRIER. WE'RE GOING FOR A RIDE."

NOW THE KIDS WANT A DOG.

THEY WANT A DOG IN THE WORST WAY.

THEY'RE NOT GETTING A DOG.

I CAN'T HAVE ONE MORE THING IN THE HOUSE

THAT THINKS IT'S OKAY TO GO TO THE BATHROOM

ANYWHERE IT WANTS.

THE KIDS DO IT, THE CATS DO IT, MY WIFE DOES IT.

I CAN'T HAVE IT.

AND WHEN YOU'RE A KID AND YOU RUN BY IT,

YOU JUST, "AH!"

YOU HAVE TO PICK IT UP AS THE FATHER.

I DON'T EVEN USE TISSUE ANYMORE.

I JUST GRAB IT. "IS THIS ANYBODY'S?

ANYONE FORGET TO DO SOMETHING?"

ALL STARTED BECAUSE OUR NEIGHBORS

GOT THEIR KIDS A PIT BULL. A PIT BULL.

I'M LIKE, "DUDE, IT'S GONNA EAT YOUR KIDS."

HE'S LIKE, "YEAH, MAYBE."

GOOD POINT.

HE'S LIKE, "NO, DUDE. THEY DON'T WANT TO KILL.

"YOU HAVE TO TRAIN THEM TO KILL.

THEY DON'T WANT TO KILL."

NO, IT'S A PIT BULL. IT'S BUILT TO KILL.

IT'S WHOLE HEAD IS WALL-TO-WALL TEETH.

THEY DIDN'T PUT THE EYES IN THE RIGHT PLACE.

THEY'RE JUST SHOVED IN THE BACK LIKE AN AFTERTHOUGHT.

IT'S LIKE GOD WAS MAKING HIM AND HE WAS LIKE,

"WELL, EVERYTHING GETS EYES.

I DON'T KNOW WHY I MADE THAT."

SOME THINGS SHOULDN'T BE PETS, YOU KNOW?

I HAD A COLLEGE ROOMMATE, ONE OF THESE JACKASSES.

HAD A BOA CONSTRICTOR, 20-FOOT-LONG THING

IN A FISH TANK THIS BIG.

THING WAS SO PISSED OFF, EVERY TIME YOU WALKED BY,

IT'D TRY AND BITE YOU.

HE'S LIKE, "DUDE, YOU GOT TO BE COOL AROUND IT.

IT CAN SENSE YOUR FEAR."

"WELL, THEN GET IT THE HELL OUT OF HERE!"

WHO SENSES FEAR? THE DEVIL SENSES FEAR.

THAT'S NOT A PET.

GET ME A GOLDFISH. THAT'S A PET.

DOESN'T SENSE ANYTHING.

JUST FLOATS AROUND LIKE A DUMBASS.

"DUP-DA-DA-DUP!"

BIG THING OF FISH POOP HANGING OFF ITS BELLY

FOR WEEKS AT A TIME.

"DUP-DA-DA-DUP!

"NOT DEAD! NOT DEAD!

"I THOUGHT I WAS DEAD. I'M OKAY.

I'M OKAY. I'LL KEEP IT GOING."

[chuckles]

BUT AS MUCH AS I'M NOT INTO THE WHOLE ANIMAL THING,

I THINK HUNTING'S GOTTEN A LITTLE OUT OF HAND.

REALLY? MAN VERSUS ANIMAL?

AT THIS POINT, WE KICKED THEIR ASS PRETTY GOOD.

ISN'T IT OVER? REALLY?

I COULD SEE GOING AFTER SOMETHING THAT CAN KILL YOU.

RIGHT? MAKE IT EXCITING.

GOING AFTER A RHINO WITH A BALLPOINT PEN, YOU KNOW?

I WAS WATCHING THE HUNTING CHANNEL.

A GUY WAS GOING AFTER TURKEYS. TURKEYS.

NOT KILLER TURKEYS. NOT EVEN FLYING TURKEYS.

JUST GOOFY-ASS, WOBBLY LEG.

[squawks]

THIS JACKASS IS IN CAMOUFLAGE FROM HEAD TO TOE.

HE'S GOT A HIGH-TECH RIFLE. THAT'S ALL IN CAMOUFLAGE.

AND HE'S COMMENTING ON IT.

HE'S LIKE, "I HAD HIM IN MY SIGHTS,

BUT THEN HE GOT AWAY."

THEY SHOWED THE TURKEY "GETTING AWAY."

[squawking]

GET UP AND CHASE IT, YOU FAT BASTARD.

THIS IS WHAT YOU'RE MATCHING WITS WITH.

YOU'RE DRESSED AS A TREE WITH A GUN STICKING OUT.

THE STUPID BIRD'S HUMPING A PLASTIC DECOY

5 FEET AWAY.

WHY DON'T YOU JUST DRESS UP LIKE A TURKEY,

INVITE HIM INTO THE HOUSE?

[squawking] "THANKS A LOT! BWAH!"

OPEN THE OVEN.

"OH, POTATOES!"

JUST MEN. MEN WITH A LOT OF FREE TIME.

WE HAVE ALL THESE GREAT INSTINCTS TO KILL

AND HUNT AND DO ALL THIS STUFF AND NOW WE DON'T NEED 'EM.

WE HAVE ALL THIS TIME TO KILL. IT'S RIDICULOUS.

LIFE IS WEIRD. JUST GOES BY FAST, RIGHT?

I DON'T WANT TO GET OLD.

IT LOOKS CREEPY. OH!

DON'T YOU LOOK AT OLD PEOPLE LIKE THEY'RE

A WHOLE 'NOTHER SPECIES?

IT'S LIKE IT'S NEVER-- THERE'S NO CONNECTION TO YOU

AND OLD PEOPLE, YOU KNOW?

IT'S LIKE OSTRICHES, WHALES, OLD PEOPLE.

YOU'RE NEVER GONNA BE THAT. IT'S GONNA BE YOU.

IT'S SO CREEPY. I WANT TO STOP--

IF THERE'S ANYTHING I COULD TAKE--

HUMAN GROWTH HORMONES, STEROIDS, WHATEVER YOU GOT--

I WILL TAKE IT.

WHY SHOULD BASEBALL PLAYERS

BE THE ONLY ONES TAKING STEROIDS?

WHY? TO HIT A BASEBALL?

HOW ABOUT ME?

I GOT TO GET TO THE BANK AND BACK.

I NEED THREE NAPS A DAY. COME ON!

WHY ARE THESE GUYS-- OF COURSE THEY'RE ON STEROIDS.

PLEASE, OF COURSE THEY ARE. THEY'RE HUMAN BEINGS.

THEY'RE NOT THAT DIFFERENT FROM YOU.

YOU KNOW WHAT THEY DO?

THEY DO THINGS AT 37 THEY DON'T DO AT 27.

WHO HERE IS GETTING BETTER WITH AGE?

NOBODY.

THEY PLAY 162 GAMES IN A SUMMER, BACK-TO-BACK.

YOU EVER THROW A FRISBEE WITH YOUR FRIENDS

FOR, LIKE, 20 MINUTES?

YOU WAKE UP THE NEXT MORNING,

IT'S LIKE YOU WERE SHOT IN THE SHOULDER.

"WHAT THE HELL DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?

I CAN'T EVEN SCRATCH MY NOSE."

YOU KNOW WHEN I PULL MUSCLES NOW?

SLEEPING. SLEEPING!

I WAKE UP, EVERY MORNING'S LIKE A NEW ADVENTURE.

I JUST STAND AT THE FOOT OF MY BED

LIKE A NEWBORN GIRAFFE.

I'M ALL SHAKY AND WET.

I CAN'T SEE FOR THE FIRST FIVE MINUTES.

I USE MY LITTLE HOOVES TO SCURRY INTO THE BATHROOM.

I PEE NOW FIVE DIFFERENT DIRECTIONS.

I DON'T EVEN AIM ANYMORE.

I JUST PEE AND CLEAN UP LATER.

IT'S AWFUL.

AND THEN WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO? JUST START WORKING OUT?

YOU CAN'T DO--YOU EVER SEE OLD DUDES WORKING OUT?

IT'S CREEPY.

WHY? STOP. IT'S NOT HELPING.

STOP IT. YOU'RE OLD.

STOP WORKING OUT.

YOU EVER SEE AN OLD MAN'S MUSCLES?

THEY LOOK LIKE CHICKEN CUTLETS IN SARAN WRAP.

SEE 'EM AT THE BEACH, TAKING THEIR SHIRT OFF,

"WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THESE?"

"I THINK YOU LOOK LIKE A FEATHERLESS BIRD.

PUT YOUR SHIRT ON."

YOU KNOW WHAT'S GOT ME FREAKED OUT?

I SKYPE WITH MY PARENTS SO THEY CAN TALK TO MY KIDS

ON THE COMPUTER.

THAT'S A NIGHTMARE. THAT'S WHAT I'M GONNA BECOME.

THEY'RE THERE IN THEIR HOUSE ALL BLINKY AND NERVOUS

AND BAD LIGHTING.

IT'S LIKE WATCHING A BAD HOSTAGE VIDEO.

IT'S SO UNCOMFORTABLE.

AND MY MOTHER THINKS THE CLOSER SHE GETS TO THE CAMERA,

THE BETTER WE CAN SEE HER.

SO SHE PUTS HER WHOLE HEAD UP THERE.

ON OUR SIDE, IT'S JUST THIS GIANT OLD EYEBALL

ON THE MONITOR.

THE KIDS ARE CRYING 'CAUSE A CYCLOPS

JUST ATE THEIR GRAMMY.

THEY'RE A MESS.

I DON'T EVEN LET 'EM WATCH MY KIDS ANYMORE.

YOU PUT OLD PEOPLE AND KIDS TOGETHER,

WHO'S WATCHING WHO? REALLY?

I TOOK 'EM ALL OUT TO EAT AT THE SAME TIME.

IT WAS LIKE GOING OUT WITH A PACK

OF DRUNKEN MONKEYS.

I HAD TO TREAT THEM ALL THE SAME.

ZIP 'EM ALL UP IN THEIR JACKETS.

GET 'EM READY FOR THE RIDE.

GIVE 'EM ALL A JUICE BOX JUST TO SHUT UP.

SOON AS YOU OPEN THE DOOR, THEY JUST SCATTER.

MY FATHER GOING ONE WAY.

THE KIDS GOING THE OTHER WAY.

WALK INTO THE RESTAURANT, IT'S ALL FILLED

WITH SILVERWARE AND GLASSES.

WE'RE NOT GONNA NEED ANY OF THIS.

NO.

JELL-O ALL AROUND.

EVERYBODY GETS A JELL-O.

IT'D BE GOOD IF YOU KNEW EXACTLY WHEN YOU WERE GONNA DIE.

THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST PLAN IT OUT, YOU KNOW?

THEY SHOULD GIVE YOU YOUR DEATH CERTIFICATE

AND YOUR BIRTH CERTIFICATE ON THE SAME DAY.

THEN THAT LAST YEAR, YOU COULD ENJOY YOURSELF.

"YEAH, GOOD LUCK, VISA. LIKE I'M PAYING THAT BILL."

EAT WHATEVER YOU WANT. "12:00!

"TIME FOR MY MAYONNAISE SMOOTHIE.

"WHAT'S THAT? I COULD BUY THIS WHOLE

"LIVING ROOM SET WITH NO PAYMENT TILL NEXT YEAR?

OH, REALLY?"

WRITE YOUR OWN OBITUARY THOUGH. THAT'S MY ADVICE.

DO IT NOW. MAKE IT SPECIAL.

DON'T LEAVE IT UP TO YOUR FAMILY.

THAT'D BE CREEPY.

YOU EVER READ A BAD OBITUARY? IT'S DEPRESSING.

"OLD HERBIE DIED TODAY AT 85.

HE REALLY LIKED PUZZLES."

MAKE IT UP.

"TOM DIED TODAY AT 85.

HE DISCOVERED PORTUGAL AND INVENTED PINEAPPLE JUICE."

WHO'S GONNA CHECK?

AND IF THEY DO, WHO'S GONNA HAVE THE BALLS

TO CALL YOU OUT ON IT?

"THIS GUY'S A LIAR!"

"DUDE, HE'S DEAD."

"UH-UH!"

BUT THAT'S THE WHOLE KEY TO LIFE.

FIND SOMEONE TO LOVE AND DRAG 'EM TO THE END WITH YOU.

THAT'S IT.

DON'T MAKE IT MORE COMPLICATED THAN THAT.

JUST FIND SOMEONE TO LOVE AND DRAG 'EM TO THE END WITH YOU.

THAT'S IT.

AND YOU WANT TO MAKE YOUR RELATIONSHIP LAST?

LIE. LIE ALL THE TIME.

REALLY, JUST LIE.

YOU'RE A MAN AND A WOMAN TOGETHER.

YOU DON'T WANT TO DO ANYTHING THE OTHER ONE WANTS TO DO.

BUT DON'T BE MEAN ABOUT IT. DON'T TELL 'EM THAT.

JUST LIE.

"YOU WANT TO SHOP FOR CANDLES WITH ME TONIGHT?"

"SURE."

"YOU WANT TO HOLD UP THESE DRAPES

WHILE I FIGURE OUT THE COLORS... [gibberish]?

"OKAY."

WE WERE HERE IN THE CITY.

MY WIFE WANTED TO GO SEE A MUSICAL.

SHE KNOWS I HATE MUSICALS.

"DO YOU WANT TO GO SEE 'THE DROWSY CHAPERONE' TONIGHT?

THAT'D BE A FUN DATE NIGHT, RIGHT?"

"IT SURE WOULD."

I HATE MUSICALS.

BUT LUCKILY, A FRIEND OF MINE AT THE COMEDY CELLAR

HAD GIVEN ME A JOINT THE NIGHT BEFORE.

AND I DON'T SMOKE WEED ANYMORE, BUT I'M LIKE,

"WHO THROWS OUT A JOINT?

LET ME KEEP IT IN CASE OF AN EMERGENCY."

I'M LIKE, "'THE DROWSY CHAPERONE'?

I THINK WE HAVE AN EMERGENCY."

SO I THROW IT IN MY POCKET.

I'M THINKING, "MAYBE I WON'T NEED IT," YOU KNOW?

BUT I GET UP THERE AND IT'S, LIKE,

ALL THE POSTERS ARE GOOFY.

THEY'RE LIKE... [mocking vocal tune]

THIS IS GONNA SUCK.

SO SHE GOES AND SITS DOWN. I SNEAK INTO THE MEN'S ROOM.

THIS IS TOTALLY IRRESPONSIBLE. A GROWN MAN.

I LOCK MYSELF IN THE STALL.

I SMOKE THE WHOLE THING.

MARIJUANA SMOKE-- ILLEGAL MARIJUANA SMOKE

JUST WAFTING OUT INTO A BROADWAY LOBBY.

BUT YOU HAVE TO UNDERSTAND SOMETHING.

AT THE THEATER, I'M A WHITE GUY IN A SUIT.

THE WORST THING THAT CAN HAPPEN TO ME

IS SOME GUY APPROACHES, "SIR, DO YOU SMELL THAT?"

ALL I HAVE TO SAY?

"OUTRAGEOUS.

[laughter and applause]

"I HAVE A MUSICAL TO SEE.

"WHERE'S THE SNACK BAR?

I NEED SOME SOUR PATCH KIDS."

SO WENT IN AND WATCHED THE WHOLE STUPID-ASS "DROWSY CHAPERONE."

LOVED IT. HIGH AS A KITE.

LOVED EVERY MINUTE OF IT.

I WAS SINGING IT THE WHOLE WAY HOME.

[singing] LA-DEE-DEE LA-DEE-DOO

AND SHE WAS SUSPICIOUS.

SHE SAID, "YOU SEEMED TO LIKE THAT A LITTLE TOO MUCH.

DID YOU GET HIGH?"

I LOOKED HER RIGHT IN THE EYE.

I TOLD HER EXACTLY WHAT SHE WANTED TO HEAR.

I SAID, "NO, I DIDN'T GET HIGH.

I WAS JUST HAPPY BEING OUT WITH YOU."

SHE KNEW I WAS LYING, I KNEW I WAS LYING,

BUT WE WENT TO BED HAPPY.

THAT'S THE POINT.

IT'S THE SAME AS WHEN SHE SAYS MY LOVE HANDLES ARE CUTE.

THEY'RE NOT. THEY'RE CREEPY.

WHEN I'M JOGGING DOWN THE BEACH

AND I HAVE TWO BASSET HOUND CHEEKS FLAPPING OVER

THE SIDE OF MY SUIT...

SHE PROBABLY WANTS TO THROW UP.

BUT SHE LIES.

AND GUYS, YOU WIN IN THE WHOLE EQUATION.

YOU WIN. JUST DO IT.

YOU WIN IN THE WHOLE THING.

WOMEN, YOU HAVE TO BE WITH US.

YOU LOSE. I'M SORRY.

THAT'S WHY WE'RE WITH YOU IN THE FIRST PLACE.

WE TRIED LIVING WITH MEN OURSELVES.

IT'S AWFUL. RIGHT?

YOU GET OUT OF SCHOOL, "I'M NOT GETTING MARRIED.

"I'M GONNA LIVE WITH MY FRIENDS.

"IT'S GONNA BE GREAT.

WE'RE GONNA GET A HOUSE."

THESE ARE YOUR FRIENDS.

THEY STEAL YOUR MONEY, YOUR BOOZE,

SLEEP WITH YOUR WOMEN.

IT'S LIKE LIVING WITH PIRATES. IT'S AWFUL.

NO ONE CLEANS ANYTHING EVER.

THE BATHROOMS ARE LIKE A RAINFOREST.

IT'S JUST HARD TOWELS AND CURLY-HAIRED-COVERED SOAP.

AND YOU THINK IT'S A BATH MAT.

IT'S JUST A BED OF MUSHROOMS.

WOMEN ARE CLEAN AND SOFT AND SEXY.

WOMEN GET CLEAN WITH BODY WASH.

BODY WASH AND A LUFFA.

DING!

YOU CAN'T CLEAN A MAN WITH BODY WASH.

A HORRIBLE MAN.

WE NEED A BIG BRICK OF SOAP,

HOPEFULLY WITH PIECES OF ROCK IN IT.

ALL MOLE COVERED AND HAIRY AND NOT EVEN HAIR

LIKE A NICE BEAR EITHER.

WE'RE LIKE A SICK BEAR FROM CHERNOBYL.

ALL SPLOTCHY, BALD SPOTS,

LITTLE TWIZZLERS POKING OUT OF YOUR NIPPLES FOR NO REASON.

I DON'T KNOW HOW YOU WOMEN LET US CLIMB ALL OVER YOU.

I REALLY DON'T.

I WOULD BE A LESBIAN FOR SURE.

I HAVE A FRIEND, HE ONLY HAS HAIR

FROM HIS WAIST DOWN.

UP HERE, HE'S LIKE THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY.

DOWN HERE, HE'S LIKE HALF-GOAT, HALF-MAN.

WALKING ON THE BEACH, "WHY'S EVERYONE LOOKING AT ME?"

"I DON'T KNOW, PAN.

"THEY'RE PROBABLY FOLLOWING YOUR HOOF MARKS

"DOWN TO THE OCEAN'S EDGE.

WHY DON'T YOU PUT DOWN YOUR FLUTE FOR A MINUTE?"

[mimics playing flute]

AND THAT'S WHAT I WANT MY DAUGHTERS TO REALIZE.

YOU'RE POWERFUL. WOMEN HAVE ALL THE POWER.

THE ONLY TIME YOU GIVE UP YOUR POWER

IS WHEN YOU TRY AND BE PERFECT FOR MEN,

WHICH IS CRAZY, 'CAUSE MEN ARE CRAZY ABOUT YOU.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE PERFECT. TRUST ME.

YOU HAVE ENOUGH.

MEN ARE STARVING CREATURES CRAWLING ACROSS THE DESERT.

YOU ARE A 7-ELEVEN.

I GUARANTEE YOU WE WILL FIND SOMETHING ON YOU WE ENJOY.

THE BOOBS. THE HANG UP WITH THE BOOBS.

"MINE ARE TOO BIG." "MINE ARE TOO SMALL."

"ONE GOES UP. ONE GOES DOWN."

[gibberish]

THEY'RE BOOBS. WE DON'T HAVE 'EM.

YOU GOT 'EM. WE LIKE 'EM.

HOW'D YOU LIKE TO CARRY AROUND TESTICLES?

YOU THINK THAT'S A TREAT?

AT LEAST YOUR BOOBS DON'T START OFF

LOOKING LIKE AN OLD MAN'S ELBOW.

AT LEAST WHEN YOU'RE LAYING THERE NAKED AND LOOK DOWN,

THEY'RE NOT JUST MOVING AROUND ON THEIR OWN.

RIGHT, FELLAS? YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.

YOU'RE LAYING THERE, YOU LOOK DOWN, BUT NOTHING'S MOVING.

FOR SOME REASON, THE BOYS ARE, "HEY, WHAT'S GOING ON?

ARE WE GOING OUT TONIGHT? I HAVEN'T HEARD."

AND WE'RE DUMB. MEN ARE DUMB.

I'M DUMB.

I GOT LOST IN MY CAR THE OTHER NIGHT

WITH MY GPS SYSTEM.

AND I REALIZED WHY.

AND THIS IS TOTALLY SEXIST AND WRONG, SO I APOLOGIZE.

BUT IT'S A FEMALE VOICE ON THE NAVIGATION SYSTEM.

I DON'T TRUST HER.

I DON'T. I LIKE HER.

I'M TURNED ON BY HER.

SHE HAS AN ENGLISH ACCENT. SHE SAYS THINGS LIKE,

[English accent] "IN A 1/4 MILE,

EXIT THE MOTORWAY."

"OH, YOU'RE ADORABLE.

BUT I'M GOING STRAIGHT."

THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH.

I HOPE YOU HAD A GOOD TIME.

THANK YOU.

THANK YOU SO MUCH.

[cheers and applause]

[upbeat swing music]

[laughter]

- THAT IS SO FUNNY.