All language subtitles for Leonard and Hungry Paul s01e03.eng

While some people saw Hungry Paul

as a man of little aspiration
or achievement,

his mother Helen, preferred to think
of him as a sunfish,

a creature she happened upon
while visiting an aquarium.

The sunfish had
an idiosyncratic charm,

drifting contentedly through
the waters of life at his own pace.

Years later, after a long and
difficult birth

with Hungry Paul, Helen made herself
a promise.

If her son survived, she would
never ask any more

of him than to move at just
the pace nature had intended.

And so she accepted him exactly as

he was, watching him glide
through life

at precisely the right speed
for him.

Her very own sunfish.

Whereas people generally vary their
lunch and dinner habits,

at breakfast, it is accepted
the world over

that it is better to find a system
and stick to it.

For Hungry Paul, it was simple.

One large orange juice.

One cup of tea with four sugars.

Three Weetabix.

Ten banana slices.

And nine minutes of unhurried tea
drinking.

He was a fan of routine
and familiarity,

which, when so much else was new,

changing or doubtful in life,
made breakfast

Hungry Paul's favourite meal
of the day.

OK, love, I'm off out.

If you're going to visit
Mrs Hawthorne later,

you might bring those chocolates
for the nurses.

Chocolates for the nurses. Got it.

PHONE RINGS

Hello?

Will you be needing me today?

I'm on my way.

Every Monday morning,

Hungry Paul made himself available
as a part-time postal worker.

When duty called, he answered.

He took great pride
in his relief role,

happy he wasn't taking up
a whole job,

depriving someone else of a living.

Hello, Mrs Brown.

Who do I talk to about this?

Uh, see, I only do Mondays.

But the regular fella will be back
tomorrow.

KNOCKING

You see, I only do Mondays.

The regular fella will
be back tomorrow.

Have a nice day.

KNOCKING CONTINUES

Nice fella.

DOG BARKS

Agh! God.

Morning.

This isn't what it looks like...

..if it looks like mail fraud,

because it's actually addressed
to me there.

Unsure of the legalities

of opening your own mail during
active service,

Hungry Paul decided
to err on the side of caution.

Although his Monday morning
had begun routinely enough,

the correspondence he delivered

to himself contained revelations of
a most unexpected nature.

Leonard had spent much of
the weekend thinking about Shelley.

He wanted to impress her,
but wasn't sure that either

of his blue plaid shirts
were going to cut it.

And then he was struck by an idea.

Could the combination of his pyjama
top

and taupe-coloured cords really
work?

Without question.

However, by the time he had arrived
at work, questions had arisen.

Specifically, what on earth
possessed him

to wear his pyjama top to work?

He now felt like an inexperienced
child stepping into an adult world.

- AUTOMATED VOICE:
- Doors closing. Please stand clear of the doors.

- You all right?
- I'm all right, yeah.

Doors closing. Please stand clear of
the doors.

Doors closing. Please stand clear of
the doors.

FAST-PACED MOBILE PHONE JINGLE

Doors closing. Please stand clear of
the doors.

- You going to answer that, pal?
- Me? - Doors closing. Please stand clear...

Don't know why do you think
that was me.

- Hello.
- Leonard, it's me. - I know.

My sign-off phrase has been
shortlisted

for the Chamber of Commerce email
competition.

- That's great.
- Yeah, just found out. Thought I'd call you.

- Glad you did.
- Right. Well, you're probably busy,

so I won't delay. Ah, best of luck
with your seductress today.

LEONARD CHUCKLES

Thanks. Bye.

FAST-PACED MOBILE PHONE JINGLE

- Hello.
- Hi, Leonard. It's me again.

Also, uh, Mum and Grace asked me

to ring you about, um, wedding
numbers.

So the thing is, you've been
allocated a plus-one

and so have I. And now, obviously, I
won't need mine and yours is...well.

They wondered perhaps whether we
might be each other's plus-ones,

- thereby freeing up two spots.
- Yeah, yeah, of course.

- No problem at all.
- Ah, thanks.

- They'll be relieved.
- Right. So see you later.

Great. Oh, remember, it's Risk
we're playing tonight.

- No risk...
- No reward. - ..no reward.

Doors closing. Please stand clear...

There was no denying that the task

of asking Shelley out to lunch would
be a challenge.

And that challenge could wait
until lunchtime.

Counterattack, symptoms...

Leonard.

This has to stop.

What has...to stop?

This. Us.

I see how you look at me.

- We had a lovely evening.
I know. - Pardon me?

Yes...

..there was chemistry.

But I'm back with Marco now.

You need to move on.

Right. OK.

Thanks for clarifying.

Great stuff.

Excellent. Thanks for that.

Lunch had arrived
and there was no avoiding it.

The time had come to ask
Shelley out.

Yes, you can change the address
on there, too.

Mm-hm. Mm-hm.

Yes. That has been sent out.

- ECHOING:
- It should be with you in two to three working days.

Mm-hm.

Yeah. Well, if you go on
to the customer hub

the tracking number
should be on there.

Yes.

Yes, you can change the address
on there, too.

Mm-hm. Mm-hm. OK. You're welcome.
Bye.

- Hey, Leonard.
- Hey, Shelley.

- Lunchtime.
- Ugh. - Thank God, right?

LOUD CHEWING

- I think I'll eat out today.
- Right.

I was just going to grab a sandwich
and have lunch in the park...

- ..if you fancy it.
- Yeah, that sounds great.

Great.

- QUIETLY:
- Great.

Just grabbing my coat.

LOUD MUNCHING

- Huh.
- Are you sure you don't want anything?

I'm all set. Brought my own.

Well, you don't know what you're
missing.

They do this thing called
The Meat Feast.

- It's practically a barnyard in a
wrap. - Mm.

- chicken, cow, maybe turkey, too.
- Mm!

Well, I'm a vegetarian, so...

Ah.

- Do you mind me ordering...?
- Well...

- I like vegetables, too.
- Ah, what?! You like vegetables, too?!

- Yeah.
- Whoa! - Yeah. Cucumber, carrot

Don't get me started on French
fries.

I will try not to.

THEY CHUCKLE

The lunch hour they spent together

seemed like the shortest
hour of Leonard's life.

- We should probably get going.
- Mm. Quick, quick, quick.

Let's just cut through all the
wallop

and ask each other deep, searching,
personal questions. Go!

- Me?
- Yep. - Uh...

- Come on, you can do it.
- Erm...

Uh, tell me about yourself.

That's so broad. I mean,
considering the time pressure.

- Uh...
- Sorry. - No, no. I can go broad.

I can go broad. What about if I
gave you 10-second Shelley?

- Well, what is 10-second Shelley?
- You ready?

- I'm ready.
- OK. Uh, I struggled at school.

I didn't really fit in.
I found myself at art college.

I dropped out of art college

for reasons that I don't go into
before a third date.

And now I work part-time admin at
Harper Wren.

Boom.

There's a lot to unpack there.

OK, so now 10-second Leonard. Go.

Uh, OK...

I also didn't really fit
in at school either.

Went to college, wanted to be
a children's writer and illustrator,

got a job at Harper Wren,

my mum died two weeks ago.

- Oh, my God. That's...
- I went too deep. I went too deep.

Two weeks?

I'm really sorry.

How are you getting on?

I think I'm OK.

I'm coping.

I mean, you say that, but, uh...

..that looks like a pyjama top
to me.

It absolutely... It is. It is.

- By choice?
- Yeah, I'm afraid so. - OK!

THEY CHUCKLE

- We should probably get going.
- OK.

Maybe we could do this again?

You men. Always thinking
about your next Meat Feast.

SHELLEY LAUGHS

Number, please.

- Uh, that's my number.
- Thank you! And I will call you

so you've got mine.

- FAST-PACED MOBILE PHONE JINGLE
- Uh...I'm thinking of changing that.

Oh. Can't think why!

THEY LAUGH

It may have felt like the shortest
hour of Leonard's life,

but it was an hour which,
if he wasn't mistaken,

seemed like the start of something.

INDISTINCT CONVERSATION

- So she didn't run for the hills when
you asked her out? - Shelley?

No, quite the opposite.

Actually, I didn't really
ask her out.

- We exchanged numbers, though.
- Huh! Good for you.

I mean, what...what did
you talk about?

I don't know.

It's funny. I can't quite remember.

We did talk a little about Mum.

Somehow wasn't a downer.

Made me realise I hadn't

talked about Mum to anyone, really,
since she died.

And do you...want to...talk about
her now?

No. God, no.

- Sure.
- Thank you, though.

THEY CHUCKLE

- So what's your next move?
- I don't know.

I hadn't thought about that. Dinner?
Maybe a comedy gig?

- I guess the ball is in my court.
- No. Psh.

No, I meant your next MOVE.
I'm curious.

Invading Europe on six fronts was,
tactically speaking, questionable.

Prrrr.

- VOICE OVER RADIO:
- Good morning, folks.

Today we're talking about dating
disasters.

Tell us about the dinners
that went horribly wrong,

the romantic gestures
that backfired spectacularly,

and those moments
when you realised you

completely misread the situation.

The following morning,

Leonard's mind was awash
with date ideas.

Upon leaving home
after shortlisting three

restaurant options in the shower,
he discovered several

more possibilities in the local
gig guide.

The only question now was
which of them to choose.

- Did YOU do this?
- Yeah. I told you. Art school drop-out.

And if I don't speak up
for the barnyard animals, who will?

Right. Uh, yes. I...wanted to ask

if I could make it up to you
and the barnyard animals.

Of course.

So I was... I was wondering if, uh,
if you're...

- Uh...
- Dinner at a vegetarian restaurant would be a great start.

- When?
- I'm free tonight, as it happens.

- Great.
- Great.

FOOTSTEPS FADE AWAY

Hm...

- Who does my brother remind me of?
- Oh, stop it!

Leave him alone. Just a little
daytime nap.

Oh, wait. I think I've got it.

Winnie-the-Pooh.

- What?
- My brother, 32-year-old Winnie-the-Pooh,

drifting aimlessly through life
without a care in the world.

Such a thing to say! And so unfair.

Does Winnie-the-Pooh have
a position at the Post office?

Position? He delivers post one
morning a week.

And he's just been shortlisted
for that major award.

- The email thing?
- Ahem.

- I'm not trying to be unkind.
- Mm.

I just think...maybe...it's time

he learnt to stand on his own two
feet.

PHONE RINGS

- Well, that's enough of that.
- What? - That'll be Leonard.

We have a chess game on later.

RINGING CONTINUES

Now...

..how does this feel?

Yeah, good. Thanks, Mum.

It baffled Grace how her mother,
so intelligent and insightful,

had such a blind spot
when it came to Hungry Paul.

Helen knew that someday,

if Grace had a sunfish of her own,
she would understand.

- I see.
- It's just that Shelley's free tonight.

I'm sorry. I tried to call earlier,
but...

Really, it's, uh... It's all right.

- You have a nice evening.
- See you later?

- COLDLY:
- Bye, Leonard.

Unable to remember Leonard

ever having cancelled games night

before...

PHONE PLACED DOWN

..Hungry Paul was left
with an uneasy feeling.

Leonard was also experiencing
an uneasy feeling,

but of a very different kind.

Not wanting to be unfashionably
early at

the vegetarian restaurant,

he decided to avail of the toilets
next door.

I know normally you need to buy
a meal here to use the toilet,

but I've got a date next door and
I'm early, so...

I'm not being tight. It's just
everything here

comes with a burger and she's a
vegetarian,

so I don't want meat breath.
And if I don't eat the burger,

then the cow will have
been slaughtered for nothing

and that doesn't seem right
because she's a vegetarian.

I mean, the date, obviously not the
cow!

So if I can just quickly use your
toilet...

Though time was now somewhat against
him, Leonard felt he must

still eat his meal deal out
of respect for the cow.

Look at this one. It's lovely.
It reminds me of,

um, Gwyneth Paltrow in
Maid in Manhattan.

Gwyneth Paltrow wasn't in
Maid in Manhattan.

- That was Elisabeth Shue.
- No, it wasn't.

What film am I thinking of?

How would I know what film you're
thinking of?

- I love that one.
- Oh, yeah. - Yeah.

- Where are you off to, love?
- Uh, anywhere else.

Maybe I'll visit the hospital.

Well, don't forget to tell
Mrs Hawthorne

about the email competition.

- Yeah.
- And the chocolates for the nurses.

You want to show off

- all your curls.
- QUIETLY: - Chocolates for the nurses.

Hungry Paul was a man
who normally stood as a weir,

allowing the world to wash over
and through him.

However, upon discovering the
chocolates

were past their best-before date,
he could not stand idly by.

His rising sense of injustice
was solely directed towards

the corporate monster
that had sold his mother

the chocolates in the first place.

- Ahem!
- Yes?

I would very much like to speak to
the manager, please.

I see. And you don't think maybe I
might be able to help?

Or is the matter in question
so complex that only the manager

- could possibly deal with it?
- These chocolates are out-of-date.

Finbar!

Out-of-date chocolates.

- Finbar Hogan.
- Care to explain...Finbar?

Well, the good news is, thankfully,

it wasn't a more serious food item
that was out-of-date.

- You know, a ham, chicken goujons,
fish... - Cheese.

- No. Not cheese, Deirdre.
- Excuse me.

These chocolates are not just
out-of-date.

They are...

..significantly out of date.

Well, I'm so sorry for the
inconvenience.

You can swap them
for another one there.

Swap?

No, no. It's not about the
chocolates.

It's the principle. You see,
I purchased these chocolates -

or rather, my mother did -
for the kind people at the hospital.

How very unfortunate.

- But maybe...
- Can the brave nurses of Crown Wood Hospital not enjoy

the modest luxury of a strawberry
whirl

without writhing feverishly on
the bathroom floor,

- clutching the bowl for dear life?
- I bought bread here once,

which was mouldy when I opened it
up at home.

It appears I'm not alone.

And are you sure you bought
the chocolate here?

- Do you have a receipt?
- If it is evidence you want,

- I can supply that in court.
- Calm down.

It's only chocolate we're talking
about.

Even out-of-date, I'm sure it won't
do anybody any harm!

Uh, you eat one then. Since you're
so sure.

Yeah. You eat one.

You know what? I will.

Finbar Hogan expected to see fine
and edible chocolates.

Hungry Paul expected to see
a selection of rotten confectionery.

Deirdre hoped to see her boss
squirm.

But they were all surprised to see
it was something entirely different.

This appears to be somebody's sewing
kit.

- Dope.
- An honest mistake. Tell you what.

From one chocolate lover to
another...

..no hard feelings.

Under the fluorescent tube
lighting, catatonic with failure,

Hungry Paul stood at his most
alone...

..only now realising what had
driven him

to take this uncharacteristic step.

Things were moving on without him.

Grace was getting married.

Leonard had a girlfriend.
And his recently retired parents

were entering a new phase of their
lives.

Although he was happy for them all,

he couldn't play board games every
night by himself.

What was he supposed to do next?

- See? Wasn't that bad, was it?
- I didn't know

that courgettes could be so
versatile.

- Ooh!
- I don't know why I ever ate

meat.

SHELLEY LAUGHS

- Can I ask you a question?
- More questions?

One more.

THEY LAUGH

OK. So we've talked
about favourite bands,

favourite films, favourite childhood
sweets...

- ..favourite books.
- Mill On The Floss.

So what first-date question is there
possibly left to ask?

Uh...

What did I do right?

I can't imagine what it was,

- but I'd like to know so I can keep
doing it. - What...

Are you asking me what I saw in you?

- Agh!
- I guess...so. Yes, uh, yeah, I-I am. I am.

Well, that is a terrible question
to ask anybody, by the way.

Sorry.

LEONARD EXHALES RHYTHMICALLY

Well, it certainly wasn't the whole

wearing your pyjamas into work
thing.

- Oh, really?
- Yeah. Yeah, sorry. Um...

I don't know. I suppose I didn't
really see you at first.

I recognised you, but I think...

..for some reason I just
looked past you.

But I did always find your books
magical.

Did you?

And, um...

..considering my impressive and
immense experience,

when I did meet you, I found you
quite gentle.

And I think gentleness is kind
of hard to come by

- in this world, you know?
- Mm.

- How was that?
- Well, I don't really sound like a great love,

- more like a great neighbour, but...
- It was a terrible question.

- It's good!
- OK, you try it now. What did you find about me?

I just think you're breathtaking.

It had been a long time since anyone
had looked at Shelley

and called her special

without any calculation or
contrivance.

Leonard's sincerity had a perfection
about it.

This is the part you kiss me like a
gentleman, by the way.

Take it easy on the protein,
won't you?

SHE CHUCKLES

Goodnight, Leonard.

Happy to prolong his mood,

Leonard walked home on
that cloudless night

with a light heart and nothing

above him but his expanding
universe.

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