Original subtitles

BIRDS CHIRP

GENTLE GUITAR MUSIC PLAYS

- NARRATOR: - Leonard's story began 32 years ago.

He was raised alone by his mother,

his father having died tragically in childbirth.

He was a boy with a big imagination...

..and not many friends to share it with.

However, Leonard looked away from the loneliness

and into the vast, inventive universe of his mind.

This was a time when quiet, imaginative children

did not enjoy the presumption of innocence.

But Leonard was lucky to have a devoted mother in his corner...

..often finding herself taking his side against educators

who complained that they found it impossible

to get through to him.

She would explain how, like his late father...

Leonard simply lacks a eureka face.

Over the years, Leonard's relationship grew

from purely filial to one of cosy partnership.

The Murrays' cat was terrorising the birds again today.

Nearly had the bullfinch for lunch.

I read somewhere that seven million birds

and small animals are killed by cats every year.

Dreadful business.

What's the life expectancy of a domestic cat?

15 years, give or take.

15!?

I can't wait that long.

Fetch the family shotgun, Leonard.

We don't have one.

But you do have a birthday coming up.

THEY CHUCKLE

When an adult son lives with his mother,

assumptions are made that she is overbearing

or that he lacks initiative.

In this case, both were independent people

who quite simply got along.

- Cats hate water. - I love us.

Matters of the heart were artfully avoided,

as Leonard's mother could never be sure

whether his seemingly celibate lifestyle

was due to lack of interest or opportunity.

So when, one morning,

Leonard received a wedding invitation with a plus one,

it was only his lack of a eureka face that hid his distress.

He could invite his mother.

Would she be quietly hurt if he didn't?

Or would she rather see him invite someone his own age?

In which case, who would that someone be?

As it happened, the decision was taken out of Leonard's hands.

MELANCHOLY MUSIC PLAYS

- RADIO HOST: - Good morning, sunshine!

It's 7.15 on this absolutely gorgeous Monday.

And if you're listening to this, hey, guess what?

You're alive, you're breathing, and you're about to

have another spectac-...

When an only child loses their second parent,

the calendar of generations turns a page.

The result is a blend of sadness and bewilderment.

Doing exactly what Leonard had always done

felt completely different.

There was no-one to talk to, no-one to interrupt him.

Sorry.

INDISTINCT CHATTER

- Hi, gorgeous. - Hi.

Did you think I forgot about you?

Call me when you get this.

Lenny, how was the weekend?

Er, not great...really.

Actually, my mother, sadly...

Hi!

HE CHUCKLES

She new? Ah, I think she's new.

Anyway, yes, I just stopped by to see how our book is coming along.

Actually, great. I think it's going really well.

Excellent. That's what I like to hear.

- If you like... - She is definitely new.

Yeah, I think they moved some people down on the third floor.

She's new to me.

Anyway, yes. I was hoping we could deliver by Friday.

Ah. That won't be easy.

I thought we had till the end the month.

We did. Only, I need to get this out of the way

before the team building weekend.

I don't know.

It's not a great time for me.

You? No, it's not for you, it's only for the interns.

Didn't know we had interns.

Yeah, sure we do.

Well, we have one. Libby.

So it's going to be just you and Libby

on a team building weekend?

Yeah, I thought she could benefit from some one-on-one time.

- You see, the thing is.. - She's new.

Bingo!

HE CHUCKLES

Right. Gotta go, Lenny.

Listen, Lenny, you're the best. The best!

- NARRATOR: - Whilst Leonard was left battling the blank page...

..his best friend Hungry Paul was facing his own trauma,

being dragged to hospital by his mother -

not for medical reasons but to make small talk with strangers.

I really don't see how I can help.

For some of these patients,

we're the only visitors they get and they really appreciate us.

Religious witch! Mind your own business.

She sometimes confuses me with the hospital chaplain.

- Ah. - Come on, you'll be fine.

I think we should split up. Don't want to crowd the patients.

No. Can't we do it together?

You know, small talk is not my area.

- Never know what to say. - There's nothing to it.

Just ask them how they're feeling. Make sure they're comfortable.

That kind of thing.

With that lady over there.

- Doctor... - Sorry, I'll get back to you.

I've just got to go and speak to this lady first.

So, how are...? How are you doing...

..Barbara?

Are you... Are you comfortable?

- Yes, thanks. - Good.

Good.

That's good.

You said you wanted to speak to me.

Yes.

Right. Er...

Sorry, this is a bit, er, difficult for me.

See, I never really know what to say in these situations, so...

Whatever you have to say, just say it.

Is it really that bad?

I just really don't believe there is anything that I can say

that is going to make you feel any better. So...

SHE SOBS

Oh, gosh. Oh, no.

Are you OK? Will I fetch the doctor?

You're not a doctor?

Me?

No.

Part-time postal worker.

- You bloody dose! - OBJECT THUDS AGAINST WALL

ITEMS CLATTER ON GROUND

HE EXHALES

BIRDS CHIRP

Hello?

I'm here to collect my mother's ashes.

Elizabeth Drainal.

Sign here.

Would you have a bag or something like that?

BOTTLES RATTLE

Come on, Mum.

TAP DRIPS

RADIO HOST LAUGHS

But first let's hear from

Barry in Kildare, who wants to dedicate

Walking On Sunshine to his wife, Maureen.

Oh, you sound like a glass half-full kind of man, Bazza!

We love to see it. Good morning, Radio Magic!

INDISTINCT CHATTER

PHONE RINGS IN DISTANCE

INDISTINCT CHATTER

PHONE CONTINUES RINGING

OFFICE NOISE STOPS

Happy Friday, Lenny! We're nearly there on this.

Notes attached from my meeting with Rhona.

Ciao for now.

Mark Baxter B.Ed.

- RHONA: - Do we have to specify

that it's Christians being eaten by the lions?

Concerned this may alienate other religions.

Love the slave section.

Slaves are very problematic.

- Tone down the slave section. - Dig deeper.

- On the nose. - Flat.

- Do we have to...? - Tone down...

..the lions...

VOICES OVERLAP

FIRE ALARM RINGS

- IN CHEERFUL TONE: - Fire!

You have to get out of here.

- Run for your life! - Is it a fire or a fire drill?

Erm... I'm actually not allowed to answer that question.

And even if I was, it doesn't really matter,

you still have to get out of here. Thems are the rules, partner. Pew!

I'm OK. I'll take my chances.

Oh.

No. No, no, no.

I see you've left me no alternative.

I'm gonna have to pull rank on you.

They don't give this sash to just anybody, you know.

I had to complete an in-service course that lasted nearly an hour.

- Fine. - Thank you!

Let's go. Thank you.

Yep, everyone, this way, thanks.

Yep. Thank you.

Shouldn't you be wardening the other floors?

Wardening? Do you think to warden is a verb?

Aren't you a writer?

But, no, I'm floor two only.

And if I do say so myself, I'm the best.

I haven't lost anyone yet.

Now, when everyone gathers outside,

if you go near the bike shed.

Can you do that for me, cowboy?

Cowboy?

SHE CHUCKLES

Don't thank me for almost saving your life or anything.

It's all in a day's work.

INDISTINCT CHATTER

WARDEN HUMS

Me again. So, Mark Baxter...

You actually wrote The Facts At My Fingertips.

- Oh, great books. Great books. - Oh. - Yeah.

I'm not Mark Baxter.

I've seen you working on them.

Mark's the author,

I'm the content supervisor.

He decides what goes in the books, I write stuff.

Really? That's a job?

HE CHUCKLES

I hope so.

Sorry, I didn't mean for it to come out like that,

but, like, that sounds a bit shite.

So you do all the work,

and then Mark Baxter gets his name on the book?

Could you not get, like, a co-credit or something?

It doesn't really work that way.

I'm... I'm more of a ghost-writer.

Ooh! Ooh.

- Are you being a ghost? - Yeah.

You know what you could do?

- Kill him. - Mike Baxter? - Mm-hm.

Or I could kill him for you.

No-one would suspect the fire warden.

I'm kind of like the office hero, right?

Don't look... Don't look so worried, OK?

Cos I would make it look like an accident. OK?

Is he allergic to nuts?

Take some nuts. Grind them up,

put them in a salad, and then... Right?

Anyway, think about it.

So if you're not Mark Baxter, then you are...?

I'm Leonard.

Leonard... Leonard. Found you.

I'm Shelley.

- Nice to meet you, Leonard. - You too.

Lenny! How's the writing going?

MARK CHUCKLES

That last pass is always the hardest.

You're Mark Baxter, author of Facts At My Fingertips.

- Guilty as charged. - Yeah.

MARK CHUCKLES

With another one on the way. Yeah.

They're like my children. I spend all this time with them

just growing inside me until eventually...

..I give birth.

Isn't that just a little bit outside the male experience?

Sorry, that was probably a poor analogy.

Yeah, well, what you could have said was..

..that you are constipated with the idea.

You know, just like, really backed up,

and then eventually you...

You know.

Anyway, are you allergic to nuts?

Excuse me?

PHONE VIBRATES

Oh, sorry...

- I have to take this, so... - OK.

Hi, gorgeous...

- I tried. - Thanks. - OK.

Well, erm, I think we're done here.

Oh, right. I should get back to work.

Go, create, haunt.

- HE CHUCKLES Thanks. - Don't hold back!

TEASPOON CLINKS

- NARRATOR: - Without someone to share them with,

evenings at home had become something to fill rather than spend.

If Leonard was a different type of person,

he might have gone to the pub to play darts or dominoes

or some other prison game with friends.

Back in a bit, Mum.

But instead, to avoid that stale chapter of the evening,

Leonard took refuge in the company of his only friend, Hungry Paul.

- MAN: - Helen, look, I love you, but you're not the one

who's going to be standing up there.

- WOMAN: - I understand that...

Aren't you supposed to imagine them all in their underwear?

I know, but the egg will be on my face.

Hey, Leonard. How are you doing?

Hey, Grace.

I wasn't expecting to see you here.

- Yeah, Dad wanted to run some of his wedding speech ideas past me. - And?

- Disaster. You have to talk to him. - Me?

Yeah. You'll know what to say. You're a writer.

Of children's encyclopaedias.

Ah, Leonard. Come in.

- How have you been? - Ah, getting there, thanks.

So, I hear you're working on your speech.

- How's that going? - Making progress.

I'm just trying to work in a joke at the moment.

- Ah. - But it's not a joke, Dad.

Watch this, Leonard.

Did you hear about the insomniac who was up all night...

..sleeping?

- Oh, is that the whole thing? - Yeah.

- You don't like it? - I do, I do.

It's not that. It's just...

I'm not sure if it is a joke.

In the classical sense, I mean.

- Well, it sounds like a joke. - Does sound like a joke,

it certainly does. I will grant you that.

A good one, too. But...sadly, it isn't.

- Thank you. - You don't need jokes, Peter. You never have.

Your Christmas speeches,

they always go down a storm. You've got a gift.

- Don't mess with it. - Well, I just thought,

you know, the occasion called for me to

move it up a gear, you know, do something different.

Trust yourself.

When you speak from the heart, you'll always hit the right note.

- That's good. - The right note.

You've just given me the best idea, Leonard.

What if...

..I opened...

..with a song?

I've got just the one.

Opened with? It's my wedding, it's not Carnegie Hall.

You haven't heard it yet!

- Oh, dear. - I swear to God, Leonard,

if he comes back in here with that ukulele.

- I might pop down and see himself. - Yeah.

WATER SPLASHES IN TOILET

TOILET FLUSHES

Yeah.

Leonard. I sensed you were here.

Your sister thinks I'm an idiot.

I'm with her on that one.

What's with your bathrobe?

I have begun training in the martial arts.

What brought that on? I didn't think violence was your thing.

It's not.

Judo isn't about fighting.

It is about calm in the midst of combat.

- Ah! - It's physical, but not violent.

Although, I may already have a nemesis.

Nemesis? I thought you didn't like people touching you.

Yeah, I don't.

I was actually hoping this might help

with some of my personal space issues.

And besides, I have to think of my fitness.

- Swimming didn't work out. - Why not?

Well, is the pool warm because kids pee in it?

Or do kids pee in it because it's warm?

Either way, I'm done with public pools.

Yahtzee?

DICE RATTLE

- Not great. - That one, I'll keep. - Play.

- Nada. - Not great.

So how is the judo going so far?

It's great.

In fact, my sensei warned me today,

if I show up in my mother's bathrobe again, he won't let me in the door.

Would we call that great?

Well, he'd hardly push me to invest in the proper gear

if he didn't see great potential, now, would he?

Good point. That must be it.

Final roll.

Ah.

Right. Done that in three.

Did you see the documentary on Edwin Hubble last night?

No, I missed it.

The expansion and contraction of the universe.

- It's a lot to digest. - I can never get that right in my encyclopaedias.

How do you explain to children that eventually everything's

gonna snap back like an elastic into a tiny full stop?

It's the expansion that really bothers me.

You know, Mother Nature pushing everything away

from everything else.

It's... It's hardly maternal.

It's like...the universe is expanding to get away from us

and leaving us more alone and our world feeling smaller until...

DICE RATTLE

Yahtzee!

Sorry, what were you saying?

It doesn't matter.

Maybe it's not only the universe that expands and contracts.

Maybe as we get older,

our lives start shrinking too.

How so?

I feel myself getting...

..smaller.

Quieter.

More invisible.

One thing's led to another, and now I...

..feel like if I don't do something, I'll just carry on to some...

..minor, harmless existence.

There's nothing wrong with that.

Better than trying to make a mark on the world,

only to end up defacing it.

I can't help feeling I need to...

..open the doors and windows of my life...

..a little.

This is all my fault.

Yahtzee is too intense.

I should have eased you back into games night.

- NARRATOR: - That night on finding his old sketchbook,

the boy with the big imagination once again escaped

into the vast, inventive universe of his mind.

A forgotten, cherished ritual

that gently silenced the echoes of his empty house.

He began reworking a concept he had for his own encyclopaedia.

His book would delve deeper into the Roman conquest of Britain

and how they were pushed back by a Celtic queen named Boudica.

As he worked, Leonard's thoughts drifted back

to his encounter with the fire warden.

He wondered why he couldn't seem to stop thinking about her.

Maybe because he couldn't remember the last time he'd laughed.

Or maybe the windows and doors of his life were beginning to open.

Oh, no.

Eureka, Leonard.

Eureka!

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