Original subtitles

[Instrumental Music]

Oh, no.

What's wrong Tony? You have that Alicia Keys nightmare

where you just keep fallin'? [Laughter]

No, it was the Al Green dream

where I spill grits on myself. [Laughter]

But that's not why I'm saying "oh, no".

I'm saying "oh no," 'cause I'm waking up to another nightmare.

'Scuse me?

I know that Lisa energy.

You kepe movin' around all busy,

that means you bout to play hostess.

Every time you do that,

that means there's gonna be a billion freeloaders in my house.

Tony! [Laughter]

I told you I'm throwing a New Year's party.

Yeah? And What did I say?

You said, "yeeeah, sounds fine."

Okay, but I don't sound like that.

Yeah, yeah you do, every time you lie.

Lie? I've never lied. [Laughter]

What about that time I asked you if I looked

fat in that red dress, and you told me no?

Uh-huh. Yeah, Tony, I heard what you told Donnie.

What'd you hear me say?

What you got, cameras hidden around here somewhere?

Listen, I said "phat" with a PH.

- There's a difference. - Mm-hmm.

What about that time, oh-

Okay, okay, alright, alright, fine, I lie!

I lie to protect you.

Oh, there's another lie.

No, it's an alternative fact. [Laughter]

Whatever, Tony.

So you really don't want to do this party with me?

[Tony Sighs] No, I really don't.

Come on Tony, it's gonna be fun, I'm tellin' you.

And since we're in the 20's,

the theme could be Roaring 20's.

Okay see, you're not happy when I lie,

you're not happy when I tell the truth,

tell me what did you want?

I want you

to be genuinely excited about hosting this party with me.

Come on, you could even dress up like Eddie Murphy in "Harlem Nights".

Oh, now there's an idea.

And then when your bigfoot sisters show up-

Ah-ah-ah! There will be no shooting pinky toes at my party.

[Laughter] Alright, fine.

As long as this 20's party ain't prohibition themed I'm in.

Deal. [Laughter]

* Woke up and my wife said to me

* The bill collectors want their fees

* The kids keep talkin' back to me

* Family Time

* Family Time, *Family Time, Family Time

[Instrumental Music]

Hey man, you better be there tonight,

I need somebody on my side.

Your side for what?

You know how it is,

Lisa and I get into an argument,

then Lori and Rachel chime in,

then next thing you know, Vivian and Cheryl show up... [Donnie Yelps]

What, what the hell was that? [Laughter]

Uh, nothin'.

Okay, 'cause it seemed like you made a noise when I said "Cheryl".

[Donnie Yelps]

There it is again. [Laughter]

What is wrong with you?

Uh, uh, I, hiccups, man.

Um, Cheryl's gonna be there?

Yeah, so what?

Okay.

I gotta tell you a secret.

Eh, man, get yo ass back over there.

I don't want nobody to hear me.

There's no one down here. [Laughter]

Alright, um...

You know what, you are a great father,

and I've always wanted to tell you that,

me and Cheryl made out the other night.

What!? Cheryl? Scoot over, man! [Laughter]

"Cheryl", Cheryl?

What other Cheryl do you know?

- Bougie Cheryl? - Don't talk about my Cheryl.

Oh, now she's your Cheryl. How did it happen?

[Donnie Sighs]

It happened here, the other night man, underneath the mistletoe.

[Laughter]

That's, that's wild, man.

I, I never would've pegged you two.

Yeah, me neither.

She's not my type personality wise, you know?

Not even physically.

You know, like she fine,

but you know, I like my girls thicker than a Snicker. [Laughter]

Okay, so,

you both made out, a little drunk, you know, it happens.

It'll be a little awkward, but you'll get over it. [Laughter]

[Donnie Sighs]

I just can't stop thinkin' about Cheryl.

Oh, boy.

I mean, I know we're not right for each other like, at all but,

I just can't get her off my mind ever since that kiss.

Hmm, well then that begs the question.

What question?

At midnight tonight, are you two gonna...

Kiss again! [Laughter]

Ooh... I, I don't know...

It's midnight on New Year's Eve!

It's gonna be the perfect opportunity to just

kiss one more time.

Wait, wait, wait, why are we encouraging this Cheryl-Donnie thing?

Because it's kind of romantic.

And also kind of disgusting.

[Cheryl Laughs] Yeah.

- I'd say a little disgusting. - Mm-hmm.

So disgusting, I don't even want to eat anymore. [Laughter]

Oh, come on ladies, he's not that bad.

He's kinda cute, right?

Dude, I once saw him eat a hot dog out the trash can.

And enjoy it.

You have to admit Cheryl,

Donnie's not exactly your type.

I mean, I pictured you with someone more

just more sophisticated.

Worldly.

Donnie is, is sophisticated and worldly,

in his... own way. [Laughter]

Donnie isn't even worldly enough

to go to the Paris hotel in Vegas. [Laughter]

He's more of a Circus Circus type guy.

Okay, ladies, I, I completely agree.

He is nothing like my type.

I mean, if I was to make a list of the things I'm looking for in a man...

- Donnie would not check a box. - Mm.

So then why can I not get this kiss out of my mind?

'Cause you ain't got nobody else. [Laughter]

- Hey, what's up y'all? - Oh!

What y'all up here talkin' bout?

Hennessy.

[All Talking At Once] The plight of the black man in America.

Yeah, and 2020.

- I mean, there's a lot goin on. - First shot, straight up.

Okay, uh, alright, well um, I'll just

get out of here, I gotta get ready for the party tonight.

Uh, good to see you, Cheryl.

[Cheryl Stammering]

Won, wonderful to see you, Donald. [Laughter]

And I, I, I will see you later at the...

[Softly] at the party tonight.

Alright, so we...

- Oh, um... - Ah, ha! [Laughter]

Eh, alright, that's...

Uh, backdoor this way. [Laughter]

[Donnie Clears His Throat]

[Laughter]

That was harder to watch than white people doing the Electric Slide.

[Laughing]

[Instrumental Music]

Extra, extra, read all about it!

Dad's eating the snacks before the party.

Boy, you keep runnin' your mouth and you're gonna be

sleeping with the fishes see? Nyah, see? [Laughter]

Mm, I seen the future,

and it has dad getting in trouble with mom for touching the food.

Listen, this is my house, okay?

I can touch the snacks if I damn well please.

Y'all look nice by the way. Nice costumes. Mm-hmm.

Uh-huh. Daaaaaamn!

Okay, okay! [Laughter]

[Tony] Mm-mm-mm!

Uh oh! Uh, you, okay.

It's this train.

It's kinda long, there's a lot of material.

Tony, what, are you eating the snacks already?

No! I was holding these for Devin.

- Boy, put them snacks back, let's go. - Mm-hmm.

Dahling, is that another one of your "alternative facts?"

- Uh, no baby. - Mm-hmm.

[Doorbell Rings] [Laughter]

Saved by the bell.

[Lisa Laughs]

You all look so good!

Well look at you two!

- Hello! - Look at us?

Look at you!

Yeah, lookin' like a real Fem Fatal.

Well, it's femme fatale, sis. [Laughter]

Um, who's this?

I'm they bodyguard.

Yes, we're madams, and our ladies of the evening

need protection. [Laughter]

Bodyguard, go wait in the corner.

Yes, ma'am. [Laughter]

Who y'all 'sposed to be?

Ugly Boy Floyd and Machine Gums Kelly?

[Laughter]

Whatever, Al Capounds.

[Doorbell] Yeah,

- Duke Belly-tons. Alright, alright, okay. [Laughter]

What's up, my homie?

You know what it is, my G.

I got that turn up juice on deck!

You already know!

Hey my man, what is that?

That better not be no liquor you brought in my house, boy.

Oh, liquor! Somebody say liquor? [Laughter]

Yeah, re-re-relax everybody,

relax, relax, it's just Kool-Aid with three pounds of sugar, alright?

- We about to be lit. - You already know. [Laughter]

Chim-chim-chimney, everyone.

Donnie, where are you coming in from? We don't have a chimney.

Aw, y'all gotta start locking that back door if you don't want me to use it.

Look, I don't think they had chimney sweeps in 1920.

1920? I thought this was a 1820 party. [Laughter]

Then you should be dressed like Kunta Kinte. [Laughter]

Hello, hello.

Hope you don't mind, your back door

was unlocked.

Oh, I thought I locked it.

Uh, what, what's up Cheryl?

Donald.

Girl, who are you supposed to be?

Josephine La Fakehair?

Oh, yes.

I mean, it's a 20's themed party

and Josephine Baker was a Renaissance woman.

She took Paris by storm,

so, I think it's historically relevant.

You do realize that she was a performer

during a rough time for black people in this country, right?

Well that's true. Um...

but you know, if you think about it,

has there ever been a good time for black people?

- Hello! - Ah, woo! Hey!

[Laughter]

Besides, you know I look cute in this dress.

[Donnie Chuckles] Yes, you do.

Uh, I mean, you know, you, you look a'ight, you know, whatever.

[Laughter]

I hope you're all ready,

because tonight

you're all gonna be involved in a murder mystery,

just like Tupac and Biggie!

Ooh! [Laughter]

Hold on, did she say "murder"?

Aight, I gonna be waitin' in the car, um,

I got two strikes, I'm up outa here.

[Instrumental Music]

[Instrumental Music]

Murder mystery?

Sorry to hijack your party Lisa,

but I heard about this murder mystery

party game, and I thought it would be so much fun to play tonight!

Yeah I mean I guess we already are dressed up like murder mystery characters.

Exactly!

I think it was Devin.

Yeah, he always look like he hidin' something.

Oh, he is hiding something.

He's always hiding those special magazines under his bed.

Shut up, Ross,

we haven't even started the game yet! [Laughter]

Well in that case, it must be Ebony.

Yeah, I know a killer when I see one.

You're probably hiding the murder weapon

underneath the lace frock. [Laughter]

Okay, that's cold Uncle Donnie.

How do we know you're not the murderer?

You can kill us with them dread spikes under your hat!

[Laughter]

- Whatever. - Mm-hmm.

- I'm watchin' you! - Mm-hmm.

- Okay, so how do we play? - Okay,

I'm so glad you asked, Lisa.

So first,

I'm gonna pass out these strings.

Here you go. Tony, if you could pass 'em down.

You just tie them loosely around your wrist,

um, but not too tight,

and don't make a knot,

also, there's a little magnet there that just

holds them together real easy.

- Oh, cool. - Okay?

Uh, do we all have to play?

The sooner we start playin',

the sooner we can get to drinking later.

Oh, no, no, no, you can drink during the game.

- Oh! - Oh, well I'm in, then.

[Chuckles]

Okay, so now,

I'm gonna randomly pass out these cards.

Here you go, now don't show anyone.

Now one, and only one, of these

is marked as the killer.

So, if you're the killer, you just start killing people.

And everyone else just has to

catch the killer, and that's the whole game!

It was Devin! [Laughter]

No, it was not. [Laughter]

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

What if I don't wanna kill or be killed?

Well it's just a game,

you kill someone by untying their string,

and if your string gets untied,

you're dead.

But what if I

untie it and tie it back before anybody notices?

Oh, oh yeah! Uh,

can we resurrect, like Jesus?

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

You're missing the point.

if your string gets untied,

you're dead, okay?

Now if all the strings get untied

before the killer gets caught,

they win.

Alright? So, to get this started,

let's have someone turn the lights off,

to give the killer a chance to strike.

Ooh, I got it.

[Rachel] Exciting!

Have fun, you guys.

[Vivian] Alright.

[Lori] Somebody pinched my booty.

[All Laughing]

[Vivian] And lights back up!

- Alright, now, [Lori] I kept mine.

whoever is missing their string is the first victim.

Damn it! I'm the first one killed?! [Laughter]

That's so unfair, I've been so excited to play this!

Well it's about time the white lady got killed first in the movie.

Ooh, you know what?

Viv, if you can't stand the heat,

best get out the kitchen.

Ha, ha, ha!

'Cause she said the kitchen, 'cause it'd be hot!

Cheryl, that was funny.

What I said was funny, too!

I'm sorry, I only heard Cheryl.

Tony, where's your circuit breaker?

The man cave, why?

Well, since I'm already dead,

I might as well jiggle the lights on and off. [Laughter]

Keep the fun going for the rest of you,

that way murders can happen in any room.

[Laughter]

So, any of us could be the murderer?

Let the games begin.

[All Laughing] [Instrumental Music]

Adults are such hypocrites when they raise kids.

They tell you you can't play violent video games,

then they play murder mystery.

Exactly. When I have kids, I'm gonna do the opposite.

If they play video games, I'm gonna reward them with junk food.

And if they do homework or eat vegetables? Pff!

They grounded! [Laughter]

Ross, you gonna have the dumbest kids.

Don't tell me how to raise my kids.

Okay, okay, well,

I say we should team up

so we can win this murder mystery game,

so we can get some real party.

Hoo-hoo! Facts.

Protect you string with your life.

- So who do you think did it? - Hmm...

Donnie, he's too stupid.

And we'd be able to tell if it was my mom or dad.

Honestly, I think it was aunt Rachel or aunt Lori.

Yeah, they wouldn't hesitate to kill your dad. [Laughter]

Or what about that rag-doll Cheryl?

Mm, I could see her murder somebody.

With that fake polite smile. [Laughter]

[Both] Oh!

Ross, my wristband is gone!

- How could you?! - Don't look at me, mine's gone too!

Damn. The killer got away.

[Ebony Giggles]

Oh hey Ebony, what are you doing down here?

Ugh, they were up there arguing,

I just came down here to get some peace and quiet.

Yeah, well you're safe down here.

Mm, I don't know about safe,

now correct me if I'm wrong,

but you became friends with some murderers

when you went on that extended vacation.

Hey, I had to make sure somebody was watching my back

when I was doing my time. [Laughter]

And that looks delicious.

Oh, you can have some.

I mean, I took a few sips, but I don't got the cooties.

Mm. Ooh! Ah!

What'd you spike that with?

Nothing aunt Viv,

this is Ross's Kool Aid,

it just has a lot of sugar in it.

That boy's gonna need an insulin shot by the end of the night. [Laughter]

So, how's it going up there, you got any leads?

I think it's Donnie.

You know, he plays dumb, but he's tricky. [Laughter]

Alright, so you want to cause another murder? [Ebony Gasps]

- I'll do the honors! - Okay, be my guest.

[Laughter]

[Vivian] Oh, I like to leave it for a little bit.

- Let the killer make the hit and get away. [Ebony] Okay.

[Ebony] Is this enough time? [Vivian] Uh, yeah I think so.

[Gasps] I've been killed!

Did you kill me?!

No, I was the first one dead, remember?

Wow, whoever's the killer is good.

I might need their services one day.

[Laughter] [Instrumental Music]

So, who do you think the killer is?

Are we still playin' that? [Laughter]

Hello ladies.

Now, have we seen anyone come in or out of the man cave?

[Both] Nope. [Laughter]

Let me know if you want to go over clues later.

- Don't let this mind go to waste. [Rachel] Uh-huh.

[Laughing] I think she killed 'em.

Yeah, killed my buzz. [Laughter]

Oh look, I think I got an idea.

Ooh, I lke where yo head is at! [Laughter]

Oh, no!

I think we just got killed.

Ouch, bang, bang, shank, shank.

Oh no, I'm dead, too.

And now we can't play this

dumb-ass game and gotta stay in the kitchen and drink,

Oh, ha!

[Instrumental Music]

Hey Cheryl, look, we grown,

you know what I mean? Uh...

I'm feelin' you, you feelin' me,

and I gotta tell you, ever since that night,

there's somethin' I wanna tell you.

These chips are good.

I wanted you to have some.

Uh, and that's why you're the murderer. [Laughter]

What? No, absolutely not!

What's going on?

Oh, well Cheryl went into the kitchen, and when she came out,

both Lori and Rachel were dead.

I went to get a drink. [Laughter]

Alright, well in that case,

it was Devin all along!

Man, uncle Donnie, we got killed a long time ago.

It was dirty.

Well uh, that was my first time in the kitchen.

Hmm, okay then,

Tone, where were you comin' from just now?

I was in the bathroom. [Laughter]

Uh-huh. Well let me smell your hands. [Laughter]

Give me the other one. The other one! [Laughter]

Alright, y'all got some good soap up in there.

Your story check out. [Laughter]

Mm-hmm, unless he washed his hands...

after murdering his own child.

Mm...

Well, ah, it doesn't fit.

It has to be the one person that wasn't in this room.

[Whispers] Ebony!

Oh, I've been dead, too.

I just came back from the man cave.

Sherlock Homeboy.

Oh! [Laughter]

I've been killed!

[Instrumental Music]

Okay, okay, it's time to put an end to this game

once and for all, now who still got they strings left?

Oh, okay.

Now out of the three of us,

I'm clearly,

clearly, obviously, not the killer.

So I'm just gonna rule myself out.

How is that obvious?

Don't interrupt me during my big speech baby, listen up.

[Clears Throat] Now,

between you and Cheryl,

you both have had equal opportunity to make the hit.

But it's obviously not Lisa,

'cause she would never harm her own children,

even in a fictional game.

Yeah, that is true,

she doesn't even charge us rent when we play Monopoly. [Laughter]

Plus, she's a terrible liar.

[All Agreeing]

I, I, I, actually, I'm really not. That's not true.

Trash. She couldn't play dead at a funeral, you know what I'm talkin' about?

Alright, which brings us

to Cheryl.

- Mm. - Oh.

Seemingly pleasant,

got Donnie wrapped around her little finger, [Laughter]

but that's a little too obvious.

See, every mystery has a red herring.

And that leaves one option.

- You. - Wrong!

- Vivian! Get out here! - [Vivian] Yes? [Laughter]

You have been the killer all along.

Uh, need I remind you, she was the first to die.

Seemingly. She died early,

a little too early.

She was the first one that wanted to play this game,

maybe that was her master plan

all along, huh?

Fake her own death,

have us all confused,

going at each other, isn't that right, Vivian?!

Yup.

- Yeah, we, wow. - Huh?

- Wow. - Huh? Huh?

- That... - Oh, good job.

...that was a wonderful speech

Tony, yes! But unfortunately,

it was all alternative facts.

- Huh? - And, unfortunately,

You're both dead.

[Both Gasp]

You're not the only one that can lie, Tony. [Laughter]

[Women] Oooh! Oh yes, queen!

[Lori] That's my sister!

[Instrumental Music]

Are you pouting because I beat you?

I'm pouting because the love of my life,

my wife,

murdered me in cold blood

like she found out I had a mistress or something.

Oh, stop it.

You're just mad because you found out I'm better at lying than you are.

Okay, let's not forget, lying is a sin.

Okay, well then stop telling little white lies around the house, okay?

And please stop calling them "alternative facts".

Okay, well that's a dela.

I'm sorry I falsely accused you of murder.

Oh, that's okay, it's just a game.

- I'm sorry you were murdered. - Me too.

Oh, hey you guys, it's almost midnight!

[All] Oh! - Here.

- Grab champagne! - Alright.

Alright, ready?

[All] Ten, nine, eight,

seven, six, five,

four, three, two, one,

happy New Year! Woo!

[All] Cheers, cheers.

Uh, Happy New Years, Cheryl.

Happy New Year, Donnie.

[Laughter]

What the hell.

[She Gasps]

[All] Ooh!

[Singing] Donnie and Cheryl kissin' in a tree,

- K-I-S-S-I-N- - Shut the hell up!

Yeah you two, leave the lovebirds alone.

Oh. [Laughter]

- Ready? Shall we? - Ready?

[Singing] Should auld acquaintance be forgot

* and never brought to mind

* Should auld acquaintance be forgot

* And auld lang syne

Happy New Year!

Oh!

My hangover is so tough, I think I'm actually

for prohibition. [Laughter]

Maybe you should make your New Years resolution to drink less.

I'll make that the resolution for the rest of the day.

My New Year's resolution

is to never tell alternative facts.

Okay, I'll stop lying.

[She Laughs]

You know, I think mine is gonna be to read at least one book a month.

- Ooh, that's a good one. - Yeah.

I think I'm gonna try a new language.

- Oh, which one? - Mandarin.

Mandarin? Isn't that a fruit?

No, it's a language in China, and

I'm gonna be prepared when China takes over the world.

What about you Devin, any new resolutions?

Mm, I wish to have a billion dollars.

Okay, yeah honey, resolutions aren't wishes.

Then I resolve to have a billion dollars. [Laughter]

Alright Warren Buff-brain.

[Instrumental Music]