Original subtitles

Look at this old box I came across.

Oh! Is that my luck pen!

Girl, do you remember when you used to have to write numbers down?

Every number I got with this pen,

- [Indistinct] - Yeah, is that why the pen still looks brand new?

Tony, we were dating in high school.

How were you gettin' anybody's number?

Well your number was the only one that counted.

Yeah it better have been,

cause you was about to be countin' stars.

[Audience laughter]

Actually, I can't even remember my number from back then.

Please, I bet you can't remember mine.

555-1278.

You had that awkward recording on the answering machine

that sounded like a bomb was tickin' at the end.

So tell me mine.

777-9311.

[Audience laughter]

That ain't even it.

You really don't remember, do you?

I don't remember. It was so long ago.

I I only remember the numbers that count, like

stay out of your way from the 14th till the 21st.

[Audience laughter]

What's my number now!

Pssh, 323

eh, hold up. 310

[Audience laughter]

You really don't remember.

Okay, do you remember my birthday? You better.

- Remember my birthday. - Okay...knock it off.

Knock it off. We even celebrated okay. August

- ...8th. - Okay.

Okay, what year, Tony?

Whatever year makes you 25 again.

[Audience laughter]

Look, that's cute That's cute.

Tell me, or I'm throwing

this away and respondin' to all my little strawberry letters.

Yeh...come on, Lisa. Don't play with the

last bite of a man's sandwich.

Come on, it's sacred. It's got the perfect ingredient of all

the good ingredient, the good ratio, whatever. With the

come on, now. Alright, alright, alright.

A ni-- ni-- nah-- a 19--

seventy....seven.

8...7...8, 9!

[Audience laughter]

You should let me live.

Ah...okay.

1978.

- Safe. You better be glad - [Tony sighs]

because I was about to use your lucky pen to write down the number of

a husband who would remember.

[Audience laughter]

[Theme Music]

* Woke up and my wife said to me

* The bill collectors want their fees

* The kids keep talkin' back to me

* Family Time

* Family Time. Family Time.

* Family Time. Woa oh oh oah, yeah eh eh

[Instrumental Music]

I don't understand why I have to pretend to be your damn assistant anyway.

Cause you don't got nothin' else to do.

Besides, I might need some backup in case

it turns out to be a catfish situation.

Huh, I don't see how that would be a problem for you.

Very funny, Queen La-teeth-a.

[In unison] Oaaah.

You get on my nerves. Oh...

Ah, I I think that's her.

Was there a two for one at the wig of the week club?

[Audience laughter]

Shut up, Weave it to Beaver.

[Audience laughter]

I'm sure it's just a coincidence.

Besides, she was really sweet when we were chatting on Funstagram.

I bet she was.

The crazy ones always are.

What'd she say she wanted to interview you about?

Well she said she's profiling rising social

media influencers, so of course I'm at the top of that list.

Now I know she crazy.

You're evil.

- Kia? - Rachel.

- Hey...of course. - Thank you for coming.

[In unison] I love your hair!

I'll be at the bar.

Of course you will.

I'll be here if you need me.

[Audience laughter]

Oh, shoot.

Somebody call Ray Donovan, cause I'm about to catch

me a case up in here.

Get in girl.

Yeah.

She seem intense.

Yeah, word of advice.

Sisters make the worst assistants.

Ooh.

So, which one is she?

The housewife or the drunk paralegal?

Take a guess.

It's obviously Lori, the drunk para-- wait a minute!

How you know about my sisters?

Oh um, your Funstagram.

So if you don't mind, if we could just jump

to the interview.

Sure. I'm pretty much an open book.

Great! Okay...

so, tell me about Rachel.

Who is she?

What does she like to do for fun?

Well...I like working out,

goin' out, hangin' out and

eating out.

[Snickers] Okay.

Husband, kids?

No and no.

I mean I did have a husband once, but I realized if I

stayed married to him, then my girlfriend was gonna get pissed off.

Oh.

- Mmm. - Okay, then.

Yeah, and um I guess kids just weren't in the cards

for me but it's, it's okay cause I really love being a

favorite aunt to my

niece and nephew.

Yeah. [Laughs]

Oh! And now that Eboni's in college,

I'm sure y'all will have a lot of fun now--

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

I know I didn't talk about Eboni on my Funstagram.

Who sent you?

Who de whooo!

She must be, she must be, she's a stalker isn't she?

No. No one sent me,

and no, I'm not a stalker.

Not exactly.

Okay well you better start explainin' fast before I start

- whoopin' some-- - A suh suh suh

suh. I ain't got bail money Rachel Rousey.

[Audience laughter]

Please, I promise I'm not

a stalker,

Please, let me explain.

What I have to say might change your life.

Well it better, or I might take yours.

[Audience laughter\

[Instrumental Music]

Now we only have 13 more pans to go.

What?

Oh my goodness. We really need some help!

Maybe I should call my sisters.

Oh no. We need people who can cook,

not people who can eat.

What about a temp agency? Or we can place an ad.

Nope, I already found somebody great.

She should be here any minute.

Who in the hell is that?

Oh that's Dede. She's our new prep cook.

I told her to come around back.

Dede, you made it!

Hey!

Uah!

[Sighs]

[Audience laughter]

[Laughter]

[Deep inhale] Oh goodness,

what in the orange is the new black is

goin' on here, Viv?

Hi, a I'm Lisa.

Dede.

[Lisa] Ooh.

[Lisa coughs]

Vivian says you come highly recommended. I'm okay.

Um, do you have any experience

cookin' for large groups of a people?

Pssh, I used to cook for over 300

guests a day servin' them breakfast, lunch, and dinner.

Wow, what, did you work in a hotel or somethin'?

Somethin' like that.

It was a long-term state facility.

Oh okay, tell me more.

Well before that,

I was a private chef for this chemistry teacher.

He had a special kitchen in his RV and all that!

But my specialty is

baked goods.

I can make anything edible!

- Oh. - I have a bunch of samples to take.

- Mm hm. - Okay, I'm, I'm...

- It's around here somewhere. - ...great

Let me see. Don't look like--

- Ooh. - Oh.

Thanks.

Eat it!

[Audience laughter]

Gotcha. Um, alright.

- Um-- - You'll like it. It's good.

This bag, oh it's a little old zip locky.

Um, um--

- It'll change your life. - Um, this is good.

- I gotta tell ya, it is good. - Mm hm.

- What is it? - That's my special sweet potato pie.

You mix 5 packs of butter,

- a couple packs of sugar, some honey, - Okay.

canned yams, crush up some graham crackers,

Nuke that in the microwave, and bam!

[Audience laughter]

Mm hm hm hmm.

Here, wash it down with this.

You go slow, cause that's stronger than Dominican rum.

Oh, yeah. What is this?

Oh it's a...it's Pruno. It's a

a happy hour cocktail shared amongst a

- ...the the - Inmates!

Well let's save that for later.

So, are you ready to get started, ladies?

A you know what, do you mind givin' Vivian and I

- ...a minute? - No problem, boss.

I gotta use the head anyway.

- Oh yeah, the ladies room is at the end of the hallway. - Okay, mm hm.

- Mm hm. - Hm...I know what you're thinking.

She's great, isn't she?

No, I was actually thinkin' she could probably kill me with a spork and a dental floss.

That's what I was thinkin'.

Where did you find her?

Ah well, she and I were roomies.

- Roomies? - Yeah.

Okay, [Laughter]

- Alright, It's a funny story and you're gonna laugh. - Mm hm.

Dede was my old celly, and I

promised I'd help her when she got out.

Couldn't ya have just paid her off in cigarettes and stamps

like normal people?

Well I would've but

not when you're part of the Guerrilla Gang.

[Audience laughter]

[Instrumental Music]

- [Lisa] The clock is ticking. - There's no easy way to say this.

- So-- - Spit it out, already.

Um, okay so um I've--

So the thing is,

I...

[Audience laughter]

So...yeh, mm

Girl.

You're my mom.

Girl, bye. I already told ya I ain't got no kids.

I mean I had some wild nights, but I think I'd remember

havin' a whole damn baby.

- Mm - You probably submitted with Eggs "R" Us.

[Collectively] Eggs "R" what?

21 years ago you donated eggs

- ...at a fertility clinic - Fertility clinic by my college.

Rachel, you did what?

Don't judge. Times was hard, and that was back

when strippin' was still taboo. You know, before

Amber Rose and Cardi B.

[Audience laughter]

They pay for eggs?

They only pay for fresh eggs.

You missed that.

[Audience laughter]

Well apparently, you did a open donation.

And according to

clinic records,

I was conceived with eggs you donated.

- Okay, wait a minute. Is this some type of

child support shakedown, cause she ain't got no job?

No. I already have a family-

an amazing family-

and I don't need anything from you.

I just really wanted to meet my biological mother.

[Inhales] Hi Mom!

[Cries happily]

[Music stings out]

[Instrumental Music]

As soon as we finish the desserts, we can send this baby up the river.

There was no pun intended.

The desserts. Oh man, I

forgot to go to the store to get the rest of the ingredients.

- Ooh. - Don't trip. I got it.

I stay ready like a shank in a prison riot.

[Audience laughter]

Okay. Oh so you got it, but

you don't even know what we cookin'.

[Mild Audience Laughter]

It doesn't matter what we cookin'.

I told you I can make anything

anywhere! What's on the menu?

Tiramisu, but I don't have the

the espresso, the cocoa, or the heavy whippin' cream,

- ...so-- - Look, get me some

instant coffee, some maple syrup,

- ...and some milk! - Okay.

[Audience laughter]

You got a old extension cord I can use to heat this up with?

Can you just use the oven?

Oh.

You bougie.

[Audience laughter]

- [Lisa] It smells good, I have to admit. - Wow.

- Look at that. Whoo! - Huh.

- Mm mm mm. - Okay, alright.

- Get a bite of this. - Mm.

Mm.

This might be better than your recipe, Lisa.

Okay, not I know it's not your day off but you can

still get fired.

Mm.

- This is a good fix, Dede. - It's good.

Right, it's really good.

- This is tasty. - Mm hm.

Damn Donnie, when you get light-skinned?

[Audience laughter]

What you? What's on/

Bam!

Hey Tony, that's just a Dede Loco.

She's helpin' us out.

Okay, cool. Cool. Cool.

Well looks like the Spice Girls done dug yourselves

out of that little hole, huh?

Can I skim some off the top? I'm hungry as hell.

No! No, Tony. I made you a sandwich. It's

- ...in the fridge. - Alright, alright.

- Yeah, we gonna-- - Oh, did you get that?

Oh, let me go get those sternos.

- Yeah. - Ho, ho, ho, hold up. Hold up. Wait a minute.

Let me put some spread up all in it.

- Spread? - Yeah.

Best thing you have had in your mouth.

Mm hm. Yeah.

- Baby, come on out. Come on out. - Yeah, look at that.

- Take that. - Let's see what we workin' with?

- Okay, alright. - Mm.

- She's a beast. - Mm hm.

- That is righteous right there. - Yeah, yeah.

- Oh, what are we doin'? Oh.

[Smacks lips] Oh yeah.

King Kong ain't got nothin' on her.

Mm hm. Rock on wit your bad self.

Ah aaah!

[Lisa laughs]

[Instrumental Music]

Oooh, Lisa!

Where you at, baby sis?

Honey, I have to tell you

what your other sister has done now.

- [Laughs] - Would you shut up,

you loose-lipped trollop. I'll tell her myself.

Mm hm.

I wanna apologize right now for my family.

Lisa- the other sister- she's cool.

But everybody else, you'd think they was raised from savages.

I usually have to go to the bathroom when I get really nervous.

Do you mind?

I have the same problem.

It's crazy.

Yeah, it's just right down the hall.

That is so cute.

You guys share the same bladder.

[Audience laughter]

- [Lori groans] - What are you yellin' about now?

Ooh, girl. Your sister, whoo!

Your sister! [Laughs]

Do you ever shut your wide-ass mouth?

Okay, alright. Vivian and I are

caterin' a huge even right now, and if you're not gonna tell me what's

goin' on, just-- just get out,

cause I don't got time.

Look, I don't tell other people's business,

only my own.

This is gonna be good. You got some popcorn?

[Audience laughter]

Just feed off of whatever you're storin' in your cheek,

woodchuck.

Stop. Y'all argue more than the crazy Lymon wives.

I'm Mrs. Frankie Lymon. I'm Mrs. Frankie Lymon!

I only care who's Mrs. Frankie Lymon.

Alright, alright, what is all the damn commo--

oh, ah I shoulda known, Freddie vs. Jason.

[Audience laughter]

Who dis here?

I have someone I want you to meet.

- Hm. - Kia, this is my sister, Lisa...

and her old ball and chain, Tony.

It's is very, very nice to meet you, Kia. Y'all make a

great couple, I'm sure you'll be beautiful together.

- ..um but I-- I have-- - [Lori squealing indistinctly]

- Aye, that ain't it! Go on, Rachel. Would you tell her. - What?

Lisa, Kia and I are not dating.

Um...she's

my daughter.

Daughter!?

[Audience laughter]

When were you pregnant?

- Say what? - What-- was it when you studied abroad?

- No, I-- - Oh it was probably when she went to her little

TLC phase, wearin' all them baggy clothes stuff.

You tried to hide it.

- You did, remember. Sure did. - Shut up, Tony.

[Sighs] No, it actually I--

- When Rachel was in college,

she did something strange

for a piece of change.

[Audience laughter]

We know. That's what Rachel did to make money through the night.

No no no no no no no!

- This one...donated her eggs - Mm hm.

at some bootleg fertility clinic, and now

this one has come lookin' for her donor.

- Hello. - Oh...

- ...so she's your daughter? - Mm.

That's what I've been tryin' to tell you.

Okay, buh buh buh buh look, how do we know

that that's really her? No, bring her here. Bring her here. Let's take a look.

- Let's take a look. - [Lori] Oh, good one. Good one.

Mm, mm. I'm not convinced.

I am not convinced.

Well, she does have your hooker hair. That might

be her.

Cupped hands.

- Ooh, Lori. - Yeah, I know you ain't gonna come up in here talkin'

bout you my niece, not without a DNA test!

I don't think so.

And the only thing that strand of hair is gonna

show you is that it came from a horse

in Brazil.

Y'all might be related.

I already told you, I did the 22 and you test.

Alright, feisty.

Yeah, and we're just gonna check my results with hers.

Alright. Until then, don't give her no money.

[Audience laughter]

I've seen this before

Welcome to the family.

[Tony] Mm.

- [Lori] I like her. [Music stings out]

[Instrumental Music] - [Vivian] It's a company luncheon.

I think we should play it safe with a wedge

salad and some kind of sandwich platter.

Sandwiches are so boring though.

I mean you know you might as well do chicken and you know, rice pilaf

- ...and some veggies. - Aw, yeah.

- Mm. - [Coughing]

Yeah, what is this?

- [Vivian sighs] - Foonosa.

See when oranges start to go bad,

they give off this fizz that gets you ripe real fast.

- Whoo! - Oh my god.

We could do Italian.

I can make a mean ramen flat bread or Vienna sausage spaghetti.

Uh hm, you know I think we were lookin' for somethin' a little

more high end.

Mm. I got these Twinkies

with glitter. Don't nobody even know about them yet.

Oh look, I got it.

Tamales. All I need is a couple

bag of Frito's a handful of hot Cheetos for flavor,

- Mm. - Used to do it with chicken thighs.

Yeah. You know what, Dede? We got this.

But I appreciate all the suggestions.

They're...different. Thank you.

Mm hm, look. That's what partners are for.

- Ow! - Mm...partners?

Yeah, partners.

That's what Viv and I had always talked about on the inside.

Oh well Viv must have kept that on inside when she

brought you in to work for us.

What I said was I'd...help you get on your feet, Dede.

Uh...oh, so...

I'm just the help around here?

You're a valued employee.

But I saved y'all this week!

That garbage man's conference loved my dump cake.

I'm an important member of this team around here.

Yes you are. You are important,

- ...Dede Loco. You are smart. You are kind. - Mm hm.

You are important!

- Yeah, I'm so sorry for the confusion.

I really am, but we just can't afford another partner right now.

Oh so...we ain't even splittin' the loot 3 ways.

What kind of job is this!?

One that doesn't require you to do 25 to life.

[Audience laughter]

Let me roll up outa here before I have to

split some

obvious wigs.

[Audience laughter]

I feel that that was directed towards me.

Okay.

I'll take that.

[Instrumental Music]

[Sighs] That massage was just

what I needed.

Mm hm. And lunch was good too.

Too bad Lisa and Lori couldn't join us.

Yeah, Lisa's been pretty busy with her caterin' job

lately, and Lori's probably somewhere gettin' her big toes waxed.

[Laughs] Well, I hope they like the spa kits I got 'em.

I picked out one for Tony too.

That was sweet.

Yeah I know, but I wanted to.

A little peace offerin'.

Oh, playin' chestnut checkers.

Nice move.

That's very smart to keep a rich uncle in your back pocket

Look Rachel, I don't have an agenda.

I just feel like we didn't get off to the best start the other day,

and I don't want there to be any hard feelin's.

Well...honestly Kia,

I'm really glad we had the opportunity to bond just

the two of us.

And they'll be plenty of time to invite your auntie's on

future mommy/daughter dates.

- Well actually I-- - Ooh..

we can even do a double

with Lisa and Eboni when she's home for the summer,

and um oh, we could do a family

vacation. It'll be so fun. That way you'll get to meet

all your cousins and..

- oh it's gonna be so exciting! - Look Rachel...

I won't be here this summer.

I won't even be here in a month.

You sick?

No.

I'm actually going out of the country

to study abroad next week.

Next week?

Uh...but we're just gettin' started.

What about...

mother/daughter brunches or mani-pedi's or

we could get another matchin' wig.

Look, Rachel...

I've had so much fun getting to know you.

But I already have a mom and a dad.

Wow.

But we can still keep in touch, right?

Of course we can.

[Instrumental Music]

[Lisa] Why was Dede in jail?

Identity theft.

She used different made up names and emails

to get multiple Getflix accounts.

Does everybody do that?

I think we use Devin's first little girlfriend's uncle's.

Well I used Cheryl's.

[Audience laughter]

[Knocking] - Oh...huh.

[Knocking intensifies]

Dede.

Hey, Lisa.

[Audience laughter]

Vivian.

[Vivian gasps]

[Audience laughter]

Hm. It's a peace offerin'.

I was really horrible the other day.

My feelin's was just hurt. I mean--

Thanks you, Dede. I hope it didn't ruin our friendship.

[Audience laughter]

Young gang for life.

[Audience laughter]

Yeah.

I mean a I really did enjoy having you around, you know,

when you weren't treatin' us like we was on death row.

[Audience laughter]

Well Sug, I don't never get my hands dirty.

The Pruno does that for me.

[Riotous laughter]

[Laughter turns to sighs]

- I think that hurt. - Mm hm.

I know you're gonna land on your feet.

- I actually started my Funstagram page. - Ooh.

Prison Queen Cuisine. Hey!

And I already got a hidden trial run.

Oh, you brought us some samples?

You know it.

I brought y'all some

sprayer thins and some correctional cake.

[Audience laughter]

- Eat it! - Oh.

Look, give me, give me, yeah. Let me just try--

- Mm. - Oh yeah, thank you. - Uh huh.

- It's great. - It's great?

[Lisa and Viv] Mm hm.

- You like? - [Lisa and Viv] Mm hm.

- Well... - So good.

I'm pretty sure I'll be seen y'all around.

Yeah, what's you think?

- Mm, really great. Uh huh. - It's good.

[Indistinct]

[Audience laughter]

Alright, then.

I'll be seein' you.

- Ah alright. - Mm hm.

Bye.

[Music stings out]

[Instrumental Music]

[Tony] I'm not gonna have a bad time. I told you I'd come.

[Lisa] Yeah, nobody's actin' here.

[Lori] Yeah, alright.

[Collective cheering]

Surprise!

Oh, Rachel told us you were leavin' so

you know we wanted to give you a proper send off.

And I wanted to say sorry.

I was pretty hard on you, baby girl.

But you're actually a cool kid.

Well thanks, Auntie Lori.

[Gasps] Aww.

I didn't expect to see you here, Tony.

Well, I figured the kid might need some emotional support after

findin' out that you're her mum.

Yeah, I guess.

It's only fair since I've been doin' the same thing for your

kids for 20 years.

[Audience laughter]

We just want you to know, Kia, that no matter where

you go in the world, you always have a family here.

Mm.

Ooh, let's hug!

- Family time. Hug out.

- Get in. - Alright. - Aw.

- Let me experience. - Be nice.

[Laughter]

[Instrumental Music]