Original subtitles

[Instrumental Music]

Ooh, you got this place smelling like the commissary

- on Thanksgiving, Lisa! - Yeah.

But it doesn't smell good enough.

I still need the uh, the macaroni and cheese, the beans,

- the greens, the potatoes- - Okay, okay, whoa, whoa!

Slow down, Shirley Caesar,

we have until tomorrow to get this all done, we'll get there.

Oh, uh, oh!

Or not. [Lisa Sighs]

I;m so nervous, Viv, I just want this

to be perfect.

Ha! Yeah, well don't worry, you just got to keep your composure, Lisa.

Okay? And I have to do that every time they get my order wrong at the Coffee Nut.

You know,they're lucky I don't put a karate latte up their ass. [Laughter]

Okay, yeah, well I guess you're right.

Yeah, besides,

what's the worst that could happen?

you could lose your business, self respect,

and dignity, but who needs any of that? [Laughter]

Oh, wow, that's quite the reassuring voice you have there, Viv.

Thank you, thank you.

Oh wait, did you bring the uh, the salad?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah! Uh-huh. Sure did, I got it right here.

- Ah. - Ah-huh.

Wha- what is this?

- It's salad. - Really?

Because, you know, a salad usually has, uh, what is

what is that green stuff called? Uh, yeah, oh,

lettuce!

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, you can keep your sarcasm, Lisa.

This is my family's world famous potato salad, alright?

Now you didn't specify what kind of salad you wanted.

I thought you would just bring normal salad.

I really, really did. You know, I have to bring something healthy.

Well Lisa, there's orange slices in here,

and that gives vitamin C, it's very healthy.

If we just add some lettuce to it on top-

Oh God, please! No, no, it will not be fine.

Please, let's just save this "world famous"

potato salad with vitamin C in it for another time,

and we need to chop up a fresh one.

Okay, but can I at least add a special pizzazz to it?

Uh, yeah, yeah, that's fine,

but let's keep it simple, like croutons and dressing.

Okay, or, or, or raisins,

jicama, kumquats, uh, apricots-

Don't push it. [Laughter]

♪ Woke up and my wife said to me

♪ The bill collectors want their fees

♪ The kids keep talking back to me

♪ Family Time

♪ Family Time, Family Time, Family Time

Hey Lisa, let's finish watching the new season of "Peculiar Things",

I gotta know what that crazy little Number 13 is up to.

So much mac 'n cheese. [Laughter]

- Lisa!

Huh?

I'm sorry, Tony, I don't know what's wrong with me,

I'm exhausted.

Oh my God, I been cookin' all day.

Yeah, I know. I can tell by that huge mountain of

potatoes that slid down them pile of dirty dishes you left in the sink.

I, I like bein' my own boss,

I really do, but man, this is so much pressure.

Aw, does my little CEO need a shoulder rub?

Just I've never cooked for this many people before.

I'm, I'm overwhelmed. I am.

Well, I have a solution.

Why don't you cancel that job and stay home and cook for me tomorrow night?

Cook for you? [Laughter]

Yeah, for me and this client that I invited over for dinner.

Tony, why wouldn't you tell me you invited people over earlier?

'Cause I figured it ain't no big deal.

Cookin' ain't that hard, right? [Laughter]

Excuse me?!

I mean, because you do it all the time, you used to it.

Yeah, just like you sit on your behind all day and

don't tell me you invited people over.

Okay, okay, I deserve that.

Tony, come on, you can't keep doing this.

My job is just as important as yours.

Okay, okay, but, in my defense,

I got this millionaire that wants to invest in Stallworth

construction, so I wanted to impress him

with a home cooked meal.

I mean, maybe you could at least just leave out some of this potato salad.

I didn't do the potato salad, Vivian did.

Huh.

Is that why I just bit into a craisin? [Laughter]

You can, you can have as much of that as you want.

I can't give him this!

His taste buds might explode.

Then I'd be on trial for manslaughter.

Oh come on, it can't be that bad, Tony. [Laughter]

Eh, it's not that bad.

Once you get past the walnuts, anchovies and the sauerkraut,

it's a delicacy. [Laughter]

[Mumbling]

Did I just bite into a kernel of corn?

Check the toilet in a couple of hours, then you'll know.

I'm not having it. [Laughter]

Are you really not gonna cook dinner tomorrow?

Oh I'm cooking dinner. For my client, not yours.

That's cold, Lisa.

Oh God, ooh...

I gotta go to bed, my stomach is cussing me out. [Laughter]

Do like you tell Devin,

sit on the toilet 'til you boo-boo. [Laughter]

[Lisa] Ooh!

[Low Humming Sound]

- You feel that? - Hmm?

Mm-mm.

[Instrumental Music]

[Lisa] Morning.

[Tony] Morning, babe.

How did I end upon this side of the bed?

Why are my legs so hairy?

Why are my legs so smooth?

[Both] Why do you look like me?

[Deep Gasp]

[Screaming]

What the hell is going on?

What did you do, Tony?

Is this because I wouldn't be a slave for your little meeting later?

I didn't do nothin' woman!

Or should I say man? Or should I say me?

Damn it, this is all so confusing!

Okay, okay, okay, just calm down, calm down.

Okay now maybe we just need to

relax and, and stay calm.

Calm down? Calm down?

How am I supposed to calm down

when I went to sleep as Tarzan and woke us as Jane?!

You think I'm happy about this?

I got hair all over me, I feel like a damn wolverine!

What is that smell? Oh no, that is awful.

I, I'm gonna take a bath,

and all this hair's gonna be gone, ASAP.

Don't you shave my damn legs, Lisa! [Laughter]

This is ridiculous, Tony.

What happened last night?

Well I was on my way upstairs, got hungry,

found the potato salad, tried it,

threw up in my mouth a little bit,

gave you some and then went to sleep.

[Both] The potato salad! [Laughter]

You mean to tell me Vivian's potato salad

is so bad that it has unwanted supernatural side effects?!

Must've been the walnuts clashing with the damn artichoke hearts.

Wh-wh-what are we gonna do?

Uh, we're just gonna have to deal with it for now.

How are we supposed to do that?

Well, my client Mr. Phillips is coming over for dinner,

uh, and, and the big game, so we're going to have to entertain him.

Oh yeah, the client that you just told me about last night?

- Don't you start with me, Lisa. - Mm.

I'll turn this damn bob cut into a Mohawk. [Laughter]

Well that's fine. I always wondered how you'd look with pink fingernails.

Alright, alright, chill Lisa.

Don't you be disrespecting my manhood right now. [Laughter]

What, what do I have to do for you?

Well, I did most of the cooking last night,

so you and Vivian will have to do the rest

and then package it to go.

- And cook for my client. - Excuse me? [Laughter]

I'm used to working under pressure.

You, you, you know, you just sit around and look

pretty and wash them dishes and keep 'em clean! [Laughter]

Whatever, Tony.

Just don't mess this up for me,

or this kitchen will be closed to you permanently.

Well good. I don't want it anyway.

Or do I? Wait, what do I want?

Lisa, wait! [Knocking]

Hey mom, are we still gonna go get Brazilian waxes later?

Oh, hell no. Lisa, come back! [Laughter]

[Instrumental Music]

Hey, thanks again for the invite, Mr. Stallworth.

No problem at all, call me Lisa. [Laughter]

- Lisa? - Hmm?

Ain't that your wife name?

Mm-hmm. That is my wife's name. [Chuckling]

I just, sometimes, when man and wife become one,

they take on each others nicknames.

So, uh, if it makes it easier for you, just call me Tony.

Right, okay Tony, cool. So,

how's your portfolio, okay?

Huh? Hows the S&P treatin' you, good?

Mm, I tried to lay off the salt lately,

but uh, love me some pepper. [Chuckles]

- I quit it. - You have an interesting sense of humor, man.

So, we're here to see the game, right?

It's about game time.

Oh, sure. Let me turn it on for you.

Mm-hmm.

You wouldn't happen to know what channel it's on, would you? [Laughter]

You know, actually I wouldn't.

I mean this is your house, so, you're supposed to know where the channels are.

[Chuckles] True.

I get it man, I just cut the cable myself

tryin' to find these new channels is crazy.

Keep flippin', we'll find it.

So, what do you think about the blockbuster trade

went down last week?

Didn't Blockbuster go out of business years ago?

I hope so, I still got videos and late fees!

[Both Laughing]

- You are very funny, man. - I try. [Knocking]

Finally, excuse me.

- Ah, Donnie. - Hey, what's up, Tone?

Hey uh, what's up with Poetic Justice over here? [Laughter]

Oh uh, this is Sean Phillips,

he's gonna be watchin' the game with us today.

- Mm. - How you doin', I'm Sean.

Hey, nice to meet you, man.

Another mouth to feed, huh? [Laughter]

Let me talk to you.

Hey man, what's going on with

in the Montel Jordan over here, this is how we do it?

Hush Donnie, listen, I'm Lisa.

[Laughs] What are,

are you tryin' to ruin my visual of your wife, man?

What do you mean you Lisa? [Laughter]

Tony and I had some of Vivian's potato salad last night

and it was so bad that we literally switched bodies.

So, I'm in his body, he's in my body, I'm Lisa.

[Laughter]

Do you realize how ridiculous this sounds, man?

You can't be Lisa, because you are Tony.

You're Tony, she's Lisa.

Okay look, trust me, I'm Lisa.

[Sighs] Okay, okay,

if you're Lisa,

how do I know it? Prove that you're Lisa. [Laughter]

Last barbecue, you and Lori had one too many drinks,

[Clears throat Loudly]

Okay, that's quite enough.

It'd been better if you'da just said the real

name of me and your love child, but listen man,

if that's the case,

how can I even help? What can I do?

Okay, Sean is here to watch the game, but

I don't know anything about basketball.

You have to help us.

I don't want to blow this for Tony, he's a huge client. Help me.

Okay, I got you.

[Softly] Lisa.

Hey, fellas I found the game!

So Donnie are you tied up in the S&P as well?

Yeah, I'm tired of bein' single and patient.

[Laughter]

So, then she told me he didn't even get her

flowers for Valentine's day. How could you not give

flowers for Valentine's Day? Who does that?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. [Phone Vibrates]

Oh, this is her right now, I'll be right back.

Yeah, yeah.

Hey Lisa, is everything almost ready?

I've got a function to get to.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh... this.

What are you doing? I thought we cooked all the food last night.

We did? [Laughter]

Right, right, yeah, yeah, right, right, right,

we, we did, uh, uh,

but you know, Tony asked me to cook dinner for him and Mr. Phillips as well.

Oh wow, you volunteered to cook for them even with this huge job today?

Well, I, I know I'm busy, but

you know, that's what you do for people you love, right?

Well, yeah, but if Tony really loved you,

he'd understand that now is a terrible time

to be cooking a whole separate dinner

just for him and some stupid friends. [Laughter]

Vivian.

I am Tony! [Laughter]

Girl, quit playin'.

Your husband got hit for medical fraud, and he's been hiding out in the Philippines ever since.

[Laughter]

I thought your breath smelled different. [Laughter]

- Tod, they're onto us. - Mm-hmm.

Ooh, it smells good in there, man.

I sure hope it's ready soon.

Oh yeah, Lisa in there doin' her thang.

[Chuckles] Or should I say Tony?

Hey dad, can I ask you something?

Baby I told you,

if your stomach hurts, sit on the toilet until you go boo-boo.

Baby? Last time I heard that,

you punched me in my leg and said, "shut up, you big baby."

Hush boy. This, this is Mr. Phillips.

- Nice to meet you. - How you doin'?

I'm Devin. You two might be able to help me with this problem, too.

It's about a girl.

Hey man, my advice,

just go to the clinic and use a fake name. [Laughter]

Let me tell you something man, women, I know a lot about 'em. Is she cute?

Yeah, she's bad. I been feelin' her for a cool minute now, but

she's sending mixed signals.

You just have to understand the way women work.

Okay? They are-

[Donnie] Cray-zee. [Laughter]

One minute, they say they love you,

and then the next minute they

trippin' 'cause you asked them

to borrow they car and not fill it up with gas. [Laughter]

I don't know about his issues, but let me tell you something man,

women are, you know,

kind of like attractin' 'em is almost like fishing.

Exactly, you throw some good bait out there,

end up with a whole lot of bass. [Laughter]

Men are such pigs. [Laughter]

See my choice of bait is the finer things in life.

'Cause I know women like they be wined,

dined, and you just shower them with gifts and, bam.

[Laughter]

So, I'm supposed to just

break the bank on her and I'll have her in the bag?

Listen, women are not that complicated, okay?

We just like, wom- wom- women, are like,

beautiful butterflies.

Fluttering their wings, looking for a safe utopia to land.

If you understand their feelings

the right woman will come along.

Or you just have a lot of money, let them butterflies just flutter right to you.

Utopia style. [Laughter]

You're Tony?

How did that happen?

It was your damn potato salad!

Lisa and I ate it,

and we switched bodies! I don't know what kind of voodoo you put in that thang, woman!

Wow, it's that bad, huh?

Yeah!

Who the hells puts pork 'n beans in their potato salad?

Well, my ancestors were colonizers, Tony! [Laughter]

You know, it's a family recipe, I'm sorry!

So now what?

Now we gotta ace this catering gig

- so we can secure this job. - Okay.

That's what I need your help with, that's what I need your help with.

Okay, look, look Tony, we can ace this catering job, but

we seriously don't have time to make a

extra dinner for your client too, it's just not possible.

Fine, fine, I guess I'll figure that out myself.

Thanks for nothin'. [Laughter]

Hey mom, can you still take me bra shopping this weekend?

I have a better idea.

Why don't you just wear a bra everyday until you're 30. A sports bra.

Or, I won't wear one at all. [Laughter]

Hey! [Laughter]

[Lisa Tony] Hm. Smells horrible.

Smells like Rachel's wig after a jog.

- Hey, y'all. - Hey ladies.

Well if it ain't Rocky Mouth and Bullwinkle. ['Laughter]

- Dang Lisa, good to see you, too. - Mm-hmm.

Yeah Lisa, we don't have to take this from your dumpy husband and you.

I canceled a hot date to come help with your "big gig".

Relax Tony, don't blow your cover, we need their help tonight.

Sorry guys, I'm a little tired from all this cooking.

Mm-hmm.

Oh, mashed potatoes are done.

Lisa, you're still cooking? I thought it was time for us to start heading out.

It is, but i gotta cook for my family, too.

Sounds like you doin' the most to me.

- Well that's what I told her. - Hmm.

Don't worry, I got this y'all, got this.

Oh, Lisa, I don't think that's edible.

[Laughter]

This entree though, nice oven roasted

plump, juicy... [All Coughing]

...turkey! [Coughing]

Chicken, whatever it is.

Lisa, what're you cookin', Flava Flav? [Laughter]

Lisa, what're you doing? You can't take food from the catering!

- Yes, Lisa! - Forget this!

No, no, no!

You can't take that food.

Greedy! That's for the hungry people.

Forget them!

You take it, and then they won't have anything to eat.

Well, maybe they should get their own food,

them dang old freeloaders! [All Gasp]

Lisa.

Even I'm disappointed in you.

Yeah, I mean it's not every day you get to give back to the community

by feeding the homeless.

Homeless?

Tony can I talk to, uh, beh, Lisa, can I talk to you for a second?

Oh, if it isn't Classless Clay.

- Oh hey Rachel, thanks for coming. - Oh.

I, I mean, uh, uh, uh, shut up, you big-ass crow.

Uh-uh, don't you talk to my little sister like that.

- Ya big ol' jellyfish head. - Yeah.

Listen here squidbillies,

why don't y'all get the hell up out of my house

and go set up at the uh, homeless shelter. [laughter]

- Here, help me get this to the car. - Bye.

- Come on, come on ladies. - Alright.

Grab what you can.

Ooh, let me help.

- Good save, good save. - I learned from the best.

[Both Chuckling]

Hey, why didn't you tell me you were cooking for the homeless?

Well, our services are a donation

Tony, and I didn't want you to get upset about the money.

Care about the money?

I think you cooking for the homeless is amazing.

- And I respect what you doin'. - Awww.

Mm-mm!

Uh-oh.

Something's happening I've never felt before. [Laughter]

Yeah, I remember the first time that happened to me, too.

[Laughter]

Cooking for Mr. Phillips didn't, didn't work.

Clearly.

You wanna go tell him we're getting Goober Eats before he gets too hangry?

Hmm.

[Donnie] Man, I'm about to whup your ass sideways! [Laughter]

[Lisa/Tony] What is the problem?

Hey, you need to talk to your boy black Lex Luthor over here, alright?

He came in here talking reckless, like straight disrespectful.

All I'm sayin' is Too Fat Shakur, you about to get some of this juice.

[Laughter]

Donnie, what the hell is going on?

You mess up my money, I'mma knock you out myself. [Lisa/Tony Chuckling]

Honey, I got this.

Uh, can someone please tell me what's going on?

Yeah, I'll tell you what's going on, okay?

So I'm watching the game,

and I see Lyle Luzma hit the game buzzer beater, right?

And then all of a sudden I hear-

To hell with the Lakers man, I'm a Clipper fan.

[Gasps] [Laughter]

Well done Donnie, never heard such blasphemy in this household.

Oh, oh, okay, let's be sensible now.

I mean think about it, [Chuckles]

do any of us really have any connection to these teams?

Uh, does being part owner of the Clippers count as a connection?

- You're part owner of the Clippers? - That's right.

Meaning you, you get to go to all of the games

- uh, and especially when they play the Lakers? - Mm-hmm.

Every. Last. One. [Laughter]

Well, first brother, this ain't even me,

I'm not even this kind of guy, man.

I want to apologize for trying to catch your face, okay?

I, I, I don't, I don't think the Clippers are that bad.

Well I don't think the Lakers are, either.

Especially when they not playin' the Clippers.

Accept your apology.

Well I for one would love to work with you on

some Clipper related construction projects.

I, I mean, my husband, my husband would.

You know that's actually what I came to talk to you about,Tony.

- Mm. - Yeah. We need a company that can put up a new

improved locker room in the Clipper's practice facility.

Think you're down for the job?

Sure. As long as my wife gets to

cater some of the post-game practices?

Well, I've been smellin' her food all day,

even though I didn't get a chance to taste any, I mean I did think I was gonna

get a nice home cooked dinner.

Hah, yeah, I've been thinkin' about Lisa's yams all day.

- Well, Lisa has been tied up all day- - Let's go, Lisa,

we don't want to be late to the homeless shelter.

Homeless shelter, you say?

Yeah we uh, donated our catering services

to the West Side Homeless Shelter, and tonight we're feeding 300 people.

That's why I wasn't able to cook for you tonight, I apologize.

Oh, no apology needed, okay?

Homeless shelter.

I believe in payin' it forward, so let, allow me to

take care of the expenses for tonight's dinner.

That would be amazing!

[Both Squealing]

Well, we should get going to the homeless shelter,

we don't want the food to get cold.

Yeah, i am determined to get some of Lisa's yams tonight! [laughter]

Great, hey boys, you want to help me in the kitchen?

We'll get started. Alright, here we do.

[Laughter] [Tony/Lisa Chuckles]

[Low Humming]

And that is why I am thankful for my wife

and I will never eat Vivian's potato salad ever again.

So it was all fake? None of it was real?

It was sort of real.

- It's a metaphor, boy. - Well actually, it's an allegory.

I thought you got a shot to get rid of your allergy. [Laughter]

An alle-gory, Devin.

Okay? It's a story with a, a message behind it.

oh, so you made us sit through that crazy story for 20 minutes

and it was all just a fairy tale? [Laughter]

Now Ebony, the important thing is the

story is about empathy.

We have to put ourselves and other people's

shoes in order to understand and appreciate each other better.

I guess you're right, mom.

What do you appreciate about us, dad?

I appreciate the fact that you kids

will be cleaning up and washing these dishes as soon as dinner's over.

It's over. Get to it. [Laughter]

[Instrumental Music]

[Ebony] So, what do you think about dad's crazy story?

To be honest, I think he's capping it,

and it was all a ploy for us to help out more around the house.

You know what, I think you're right.

Aunt Vivian's potato salad, it probably wasn't even that bad.

Let's try it.

Thank you.

Mm! Okay, he was right about that! Mm-mm, mm-mm.

I don't know who's idea it was to put licorice in there. [Laughter]

[Low Humming] Wait a minute...

Why do I feel weird?

And what happened to my voice?

Why, why am I so tall?

I think we switched bodies, like in dad's story.

What are, what are these weird pains in my belly?

Oh, those are cramps Devin, I get them all the time.

What?! I can't deal with this!

Mommy! [Laughter]

[Laughter]