Original subtitles

[Instrumental Music]

I can't wait for our kids to get back, Tony.

I miss them.

I don't.

Between Devin face-callin' me every 5 minutes and

Ebony askin' me to Ca-ching app her some cash

to buy some wig glue, it's like they never left.

[Audience laughter]

You do kinda have a point.

But I don't care. I just-- I love it when we're all together.

That's why actually I wanna have a little dinner party

for 'em like welcome home.

No, no, no, no. No dinner parties.

Last time we had a dinner party,

two wild, droolin' raccoons showed up and ate up all the food.

Raccoons? The only people that ate our food were

Rachel and Lori.

[Audience laughter]

You...stop. Stop! [Laughs]

Actually I think it's a good idea. You know we should

celebrate our kids becomin' young adults.

- Adults? Lisa, Adults... - Yeah.

don't call home every 5 minutes every time they got a little

ache or pain.

Adults don't want they mama

to rub 'em down with Vapor rub every time they have a cold.

[Audience laughter]

- You do. - What are you talkin' about?

Okay now, and I pay the bills around here

so if my mama wants to show up and help me

de-stress a little bit, I call that an adult perk.

Oh. Okay, yeah. Sure.

Whatever you say, Tony.

I'm still happy to see my babies.

Okay, are they babies or adults, Lisa? Pick one.

Okay listen, I am their mother.

I can call them whatever I want to.

At least I don't call 'em

Sugar bear or Schnookums,

or your little Tony Wony, whatever it is your mama calls you.

Okay, first of all it is Tony the Tiger.

My mama would never call me no damn Tony Wony.

[Baby voice] Tony Wony.

[Audience laughter]

[Theme Music] * Woke up and my wife said to me

* The bill collectors want their fees

* The kids keep talkin' back to me

* Family Time

* Family Time. Family Time

* Family Time. Wah ah ooh woa yeah eah eh

[Instrumental Music]

Hi.

-Hey. - Hey. Stallworth Construction. How may I help you?

Yeah, I a

called a couple days ago. Um

home improvement guys are booked up

so I was lookin' to build a pool

- in my backyard. - Oh.

I believe I spoke with Tony.

Yes, I'm Tony. Nice to meet you, brotha. I believe I spoke with Tony.

- Come on in. Have a seat. - Cool. Yeah I wasn't...

too clear over the phone.

- Mm hm. - So I figured I'd come in and make sure...

we're on the same page.

Absolutely. Not a problem. What are you lookin' to get done.

Well, as you can see here

[Audience laughter]

the size of my backyard there,

- I'm thinkin' about doin' something like Olympic size pool

- You know, two waterfalls at each end. - Mm.

- Okay. - You know, Jacuzzi...

- ...strictly saltwater. - Uh...alright.

Um...I'm gonna warn you upfront that that could be a little pricey.

That's cool, my brotha.

I ain't got no problem droppin' a couple mill.

A couple a million? [Laughs] What are you a drug lord?

[Chuckles] Like one of them--

Who told you?

[Audience laughter]

- A...no, I was [stammering] - Tony...

I think you and I can take a ride, my man.

Some things we need to talk about.

No, no, no, no. Don't you dare. Don't you dare go with him.

See I know movies like this. I know how them mobster movies go.

First, he gonna say he need some help by the truck

in some dirty-ass lake,

and then next thing you know Mr. Stallworth,

you gonna be in there swimmin' with the sharks!

[Audience laughter]

- Really. Mm. - Mm hm.

- He is slick. - Well first off...

it's fishes.

Second off...

I'm just messin' witchu, man!

[Laughs] I'm a basketball agent.

I was--

What? Weh weh weh weh weh weh weh wheh, wait.

So that mean you know all the Lakers?

You know Lyle Luzman, Lee Bron?

Charmelo Anthony?

Charmelo don't play for the Lakers.

I mean, but you can get him to play for the Lakers, right?

Brandi!

Don't mind her. I'm sorry.

Oh no, it's all good, man.

I like groupies that wear Moesha braids.

[Audience laughter]

You smell like money too.

- Nnn. [Both giggle]

[Audience laughter]

- Eh, so-- - It's crazy.

Tony, you a...you a Lakers fan?

Hell, yes. One of the biggest, man.

Ah I bleed purple and gold.

Alright. Then I guess you wouldn't mind havin'

two tickets to tonight's game, huh?

Are you serious?

Well cuh come on, you don't have to do that.

Aw, man. It's nothin'. I mean I always get tickets

as a agent. I mean I

I was gonna take my girlfriends but

you know, my wife wants to go.

[Audience laughter]

You do like groupies then?

[Audience laughter]

[Laughter]

So then it's settled?

- Absolutely. - Alright. I'll leave your name at will call.

I appreciate that, man. And I'm a get those

pool a ah blueprints

- right to you, man. - Yeah. My man.

Yeah, my family's gonna love it.

- Alright! - Yeah. Yeah, family matters to me.

- Thank. Right on, yeah. - [Laughter]

- Alright. - Bye, Mr. groupie lover.

Ha hah!

Ooh Mr. Stallworth, can I go witchu please?!

Go with me? Hell, no!

What do I look like takin' my secretary instead of my wife?

But Mr. Stallworth, I'm really tryin' to land one of them

basketball players

so I can get flued out like Melinda.

Brandi, Melinda didn't get flued out, she got fired.

Don't be nasty.

[Audience laughter]

[Instrumental Music]

Mm. Mom, what are you makin'?

It smells really good.

Yeah, mom. Whatchu makin'?

I am makin' your favorite,

fried chicken, mac and cheese,

collard greens and dirty rice.

Okay, that's cool, but what's for dessert?

Boy, ain't nobody got time for that.

Okay, there's a pint of ice cream and some cool whip

in the fridge.

Wow Mom, you really got lazy on us.

And I thought you were gonna make us some of your famous

sweet potato pie.

Oh well that's a sweet potato lie, okay.

But if you're so determined to have some pie,

there's some yams in the pantry. Have at it.

Alright mom, now you know Devin can't bake.

And you can't cook.

The last time you prepared us a meal,

you left a track in the spaghetti.

Okay, that was one time.

Plus, hair is protein.

Yeah, real hair. Not synthetic.

Whatever, Devin. At least I didn't wet the bed when I was 16,

and I know I can make a way better pie than you.

Wanna bet?

Oh yeah? Mom, you wanna be the taste tester to see who wins?

Oh see, now you know I can't do that.

I don't want it to look like I'm showin' favoritism,

because I love you both equally.

Now you know that's not true.

I'm your Devi Wevy.

Eboni's just a accident.

[Audience laughter]

Anyway, [Laughs] y'all gonna have to leave me out of it,

and find another judge.

Fine, but if I win you have to do my chores

the whole time we're here.

Fine. And if I win, you gotta give me your roommate Alicia's number.

Hm, looks like her number's just gonna be safe for me.

Hm, looks like your edges just gonna be sweated out from all that

scrubbin' you gonna have to do.

- Bet. - Bet!

Hey Lisa, you will never guess what happened at work today.

What? You fired Brandi again?

I should've for bein' a damn groupie.

What? Whatchu talkin' bout?

I got this new client, and he is an agent

who got me two tickets to the Lakers game tonight.

You wanna go?

Aw, can't you smell I am a little busy right now?

Damn, I forgot.

Ow, I guess I'm not goin' now.

Well Tony, go it's cool. Go with Donnie.

I'm not trippin'.

[Audience laughter]

You sure?

Yeh, I am absolutely sure. Just

you know, make sure you are home in time for dinner please.

Alright alright alright. I'm just makin' sure it ain't a problem,

cause I don't wanna come home to like a stiff pillow

and a thin blanket, and I'm sleepin' on the couch.

I'll be home. I'll be home in time for dinner.

Alright. A matter of fact,

the game starts at 4:00, so I'll definitely be home on time

for them yams.

Uh, I'm not makin' pie!

I ain't talkin' bout that pie.

[Snickers] You know what I'm talkin' bout.

[Music stings out]

[Instrumental Funk Music]

I wasn't gonna say anything,

but...you should put some Tabasco in there.

Grandma always put some Tabasco in it.

Okay, shut up. You will never be able to throw me off.

But you will make me throw up

with that nasty lookin' concoction

you call a pie.

Girl, you trippin'. my pie is

glistenin' more than your edge control.

[Audience laughter]

Oh, hey.

Wait, why y'all look like two of El Chapo's

workers up in here?

- We're havin' a bake-off currently. - Ah.

Currently, I'm winning.

Pssh. Yeah, right.

Oh, I love a bake-off.

I used to bake for Jack all the time

till I found out he was enjoying someone else's

cake.

- Okay. - Mm.

You two need any help?

No. Unless Aunt Lori's coming soon? Her baking skills are

fire!

Well, you out a luck, little girl.

She's out celebratin' passin' the bar.

Since when she start passin' up bars?

The bar exam, stupid.

See? That's how you're gonna loose because your

skull is thicker than that batter over there.

Please. Grandma taught me

to perfect this recipe years ago.

I could bake this pie in my sleep.

Hm. Well, his batter may be a little thick, sweetie.

Yours is lookin' a little loose.

[Audience laughter] Yours is lookin' a little loose.

[Audience laughter]

[Audience laughter] [Audience laughter]

Mm. On that note,

I'm a be watchin' TV in the livin' room.

Good luck wit your little pie.

[Audience laughter]

So, how much sugar should I put in it?

Oh, I thought you said you didn't need my help.

I was talkin' to Cheryl.

[Audience laughter]

We're bonding. You can go.

Go on with Devin. Well, we're girls.

[Audience laughter]

[Instrumental Music]

Eh...I can't

stand The Real Jump Offs of Jackson Velle.

[Audience laughter]

Oh snap! I forgot the Laker game was on.

Wait...

is that Dad...

[Crowd noise]

and another woman?

Ma!

Mom!

What? Devin, what's goin' on?

Take a look at this.

[Crowd noise continues]

[Gasps]

[Audience laughter]

Who is that heifer with Dad?

Boy, watch your mouth.

Who is that heifer with Tony?

I don't know. Who is that heifer with my husband?

Maybe it's Brandi

in a mask and a new lace front.

[Audience laughter]

Maybe it's not.

Okay you know maybe it's his-- it's his new client.

It looks like he's the client.

Oh! Oh, okay.

Okay, there's got to be

some logical explanation for this.\

Maybe it's Donnie's date.

Well then where the hell is Donnie?

Please, like Donnie could ever pull anybody that fine.

[Smirks] Like Tony could either.

[Laughs] Right.

Besides you.

Sorry, what? Did someone call me?

Is that Dad? And why is he with another woman on the Bae cam?

We tryin' to figure that out

- ...right now. - This just, this does not make sense.

- I'm gonna find-- - It makes all the sense in the world to me.

I've been tryin' to warn you, Lisa. Men ain't nothin' but

ass-sniffin' dogs.

Not all of them, okay.

Yes, Jack was.

And Tony is. Oh my gosh.

Huh, you're right.

Maybe you ought a switch teams.

I am not switchin' teams, okay? Or channels until I

talk to my husband.

[Crowd noise continues]

Ah, he's not answering!

Maybe he's out of bars.

Well I'm a be behind bars if he don't pick up that phone.

[Audience laughter]

You know what, kids? I think we have some investigating

to do and I think you should

let us be.

[Audience laughter]

And I think you should let us be

and investigate all the men leavin' in and out your house at night.

Boy, Devin, get-- get out!

Go somewhere.

Come on, Eboni. Let's go.

[Sighs] Like you ain't got no home trainin'.

What? Okay, a rewind this.

Mm hm.

Yeah. You like that?

Oh! Okay. [Laughs]

Tony out there actin' like a NBA player on a road trip.

Mm, it's goin' down when he gets home!

Okay Rachel, a

thank you but I can handle this on my own.

Alright, but I'm here if you need me.

I know how to hog tie.

You know what? Good luck, Lisa. We will

wait in the kitchen, give you some space and

if you need to borrow a golf club,

you just let me know. I got you.

[Audience laughter]

[Instrumental Music]

[Irritated sigh]

Yeah, that'll show him.

[Audience laughter]

Mm.

[Audience laughter]

[Audience laughter]

That'll show her.

Eboni!

The oven's all yours.

[Audience laughter]

[Guitar interlude]

[Audience laughter]

[Instrumental Music]

Ooh, let's go!

Hey baby, you see that game?! That was wild, right?

I understand your game, Tony. I stopped watching

after a particular highlight.

Aw, yeah. When that boy tore his Achilles, I was

tore up about that too myself but look, we gonna be alright.

I don't care about no Achilles. I really don't, Tony.

That's not what I'm talkin' about.

- Oh. - Where's Donnie?

Huh, or did he even go?

Of course he did. He sat next to me the whole time.

Oh, oh he sat next to you the whole time.

The ent time, Donnie sat next to you?

I'm just tryin' to confirm.

Well you-- you know how he like his snacks.

You know, that boy went out and got a little you know

at half time, got a little you know, snacks,

some viddles and what not, ran into a Laker girl. I was like--

Okay, Laker girls, snacks, got all that concession stand. That's cut.

So Tony, was it the whole time,

or was it half of the time, cause right now

I really don't know. So what's the truth, Tony?

I don't know. I'm-- I'm a little confused myself, now.

- Oh really? Hm. - Yeah, yeah--

- Yeah, flashback. Just think about it. - I just wanna make sure I...

- Run through it. - know the exact facts because you know

- Yeah. - those elevated tones, and I see y'all are

strategically placed. What is goin' on here?

We just wanna know the truth, Notorious L-I-E.

Mm, we want the truth, Tony.

We can handle the truth!

[Audience laughter]

Yeah.

Okay, um...

I was at the game

We saw you on the Bae Cam

- ...with that broad! - Yeah,

- Oh - that broad who looks like she's on the Keto Diet and has

the perfect goddess locks.

Now you owe answers, Tony.

And you're gonna give it to us,

and then you're gonna give me

her stylist's number because I would love

to have some goddess locks.

[Audience laughter]

Damn her perfectly moisturized bohemian African goddess locks.

You better not be steppin' out on my sister!

What?! No, look that was the first time

I met that lady, tonight. - [Scoffs]

Yeah, right. And I'm married to Donnie.

[Audience laughter]

But it is so cute, okay. So now that we've

got all these nice little lies out of the way, Tony,

[Audience laughter]

Would you like to tell me the truth? I'm givin' you the opportunity.

Okay, I I I-- Okay, I'm tellin'-- I'm tellin' you the truth.

truth, okay?

I-- I never met her

before today. In fact,

she's my um

begai-- I only studder because

- ...you know...it, it's hot-- - Stuh stuh stuh stuh stuh stuh stop...

your studdering, Tony. [Doorbell rings]

- What's goin' on? Ooh. - Could be.

- I'm just curious. - Check it out.

[Audience laughter]

- Excuse me. - [Gasp]

Hey, I'm looking for Tony.

[Audience laughter]

- There he is. - Ah.

[Music stings out]

[Instrumental Music]

Ooh...ah!

Can I help you?

Yeah. I'm here to give him something.

Well it better not be somethin' he can

feel, on vogue!

Ooh. Okay, this...

is Tony's wife, Lisa.

[Audience laughter]

- Come on in. - Ah, thanks.

- Come on in. - [Rachel] Yeah, come on in.

- Uh huh. - [Lisa] Come on in.

If there's anything you know you need to give

my husband, you can give it to me.

Lee lee lee Lisa, this is the the the the the

- thing, and and I'm not-- - Oh you missed the group...

rates that they were offering.

[Audience laughter]

at the park.

It look like he brought a groupie home wit him.

- Mm hm. - Yep, no offense...

but who are you?

Ah, I'm Eve. Actually I'm here to give

Tony back his wallet.

- Thank you. - His wallet?

- Mm hm. - I knew she was a escort!

Ain't nobody's real name Eve.

[Audience laughter]

Everybody calm down, alright.

She's not an escort, okay. She is my

client's wife. Now calm down before I escort you out my house.

- Yeah. - Yeah, a he

and his friend were sittin' next to me and my husband

at the game and

afterwards I noticed that he left his wallet

and your address was

on his I.D.

- Oh. - Thank you. Thank you.

Okay, don't-- don't mind my wife.

and Cheryl, and this one over here.

Okay it's just a things were just a little misunderstood.

Oh did we also misunderstand

seeing you two

on the Bae Cam?

- Can you explain that? - Ooh! - Mm.

Well, my husband went to get me nachos at the

concession stand.

- Yes, and Donnie went to the bathroom at halftime. - Mm.

He was hollerin' at a Laker girl.

Oh yeah, I was-- I was just tryin' to

help 'em with they pom poms.

You know, this is just all too convenient.

- Mm. - It really, and where is this husband of yours?

- Good question. - Husband.

Good question...

Where is he? Because

- Well, actually-- - [Doorbell rings] - Ah, oh, there's the door.

Excuse me. Let me get that.

[Audience laughter]

- Oh, thank god. - Hey, Tony!

My man!

- [Moans] - Can you please...

explain to my wife

that that is your wife.

- [Audience laughter] - Mm hm.

My wife?

I never seen this woman before in my life.

- Oh, who should I punch first? - [Gasps]

Punch her?

- [Screams] Let me go. - [Overlapping hollering]

- Neh, neh, neh. - Woa, woa, woa.

- [Donnie] Lisa. - [Cheryl] You're bein' an ass. - [Lisa] You're funny.

- [Cheryl] You go fight. - Cheryl, hold me back. What? What?

What? What?!

Wait, wait, wait. Sorry, I'm jokin'. - What?!

[Laughs] I got you.

- Yeah, you did. - What?

Um, I'm sorry. Um I'm sorry. Somethin' wrong here. I just

asked my wife, Eve, to come bring Tony his wallet

while I kept the car runnin'. I'm sorry.

[Audience laughter]

- [Sighs] That was a good one. - Oh.

Good. You wife could make it, huh?

- Wow. - So funny, right?

Whew, ah a I feel really stupid.

- Ooh. - So stupid.

Tony, I'm sorry I didn't believe you.

Don't, don't feel stupid, sis.

I mean it's not your fault that she looks like she's from

The Real Thirst Trappers of Tennessee.

- You can't be too careful. - Hey. - You know what?

- Hey. - I am very glad that we've gotten this all

cleared up.

- I just have one more question for you. - Mm hm.

Where did you get your hair done? I love it.

- Oh [Indistinct] - Oh, thank you.

Um, a I hope you'll accept my apology even

maybe you and Adam could stay for dinner? That'd be great.

Yeah, geh we'd love to stay.

Sure, yeah. I mean

Tony tells us you're a chef.

So I guess we are in for a real treat.

It does smell like fried chicken,

macaroni and cheese, collard greens and

dirty rice up in here.

[Collective laughter]

[Music stings out]

[Instrumental Music]

How does mine taste, Uncle Donnie?

[Quiet mumbling]

Mm, is there turmeric in here?

Turmeric? I didn't put turmeric in there!

Devin, did you mess with my pie?

No, maybe you should've read the labels correctly.

Come on Uncle Donnie. Try mine.

It's the bomb, huh?

Hm, paprika in here?

No! Ebony, did you mess with my pie?

Why would I need it to make it taste worse than it already does?

Because you're a hater and I can always

smell your lies from a mile away.

And I can always smell your distinct booty breath from a mile away.

Hey hey guys, listen. Why are you guys

arguin' okay? Both of you guys' pies

are delicious.

Really?

Yeah, they taste just like my grandma's.

She used to put her blood, sweat, and tears in every pie.

Uah, her salty body fluids

really gave it a good flavor.

Ugh!

[Phone vibrates] Up...

gotta get outa here.

Are You Smarter than the Side Chick is on.

Hey, but you never announced the winner.

I didn't announce the winner?

No.

Are you sure I didn't announce the winner?

- No. - Yeah.

You know what, let's-- I'll tell you right now.

Oh, there go Jada Pinkett Smith!

Oh, where?

[Audience laughter]

Well, there goes our verdict.

[Audience laughter]

I can't believe you actually had the nerve to put

turmeric in my pie!

I mean it's way better than you puttin' paprika in mine.

It coulda been way worse. I was about to switch

yours out with Aunt Viv's mayo-infused

pumpkin pie.

I still to this day wonder how she

managed to get a Black man with that pie.

[Laughter]

Look, I'm sorry. I should never have sabotaged your

pie. I shoulda just let us battle it out.

I'm sorry too.

I shoulda just let you loose fair and square.

Please. Ha! In your dreams.

The only thing I'd loose is respect

for you after you cry for takin' it down.

You know I never cry.

Oh so you tellin' me you didn't cry after

Whoopie Silverberg got called ugly in The Color in the Gang?

It was a sad movie.

[Audience laughter]

Well, I mean...since I cheated, I could at least help you wit your chores.

And I guess I can give you my friend's number.

But let's not get it twisted.

We all know I'm still the better baker.

[Sighs] Oh, that's really cute.

It's also really cute that you would actually think I would

really give you my friend's number.

[Audience laughter]

[Music stings out]

[Instrumental Music]

Baby, when is the last time that I told you

that you are the most beautiful woman in the world?

Earlier, when you were trying to get um that hot water with Eve.

[Audience laughter]

Look I know that it looked bad, but listen.

If I was ever gonna cheat on you, it wouldn't be

on a live televised game.

It'd be somewhere out in Italy with a family friend.

Tony!

[Laughs] Baby, I'm kidding. I'm kidding.

Look, you do know that you are the only woman

that I ever want to be boo'd up with or kiss.

I know.

That whole Bae Cam. Ugh, it just got to me.

I'm sorry though. I'm sorry I didn't believe in you.

I hope I made it up to your clients with dinner.

You did, you did. But you know how you can make it up even more?

What?

With our own special Bae Cam.

- Oh. Mm. - Mmm.

Aw, thank you babe. That's cute.

Aow. That's a good one.

Mm hm.

- Ah, Tony... - Mm.

you gonna, you gonna put the camera down?

- No. We gonna keep this thing rockin'... - No?

- Here. Hold this just like this here. Little bit. - [Gasps]

Nuh!

[Music stings out]