Original subtitles

[Instrumental Music]

That's why you can't trust no man in no thong sandals.

Mm mmm. Mm mmm, watch out.

Watch out!

- Lisa. Lisa - Brother, watch out!

- Lisa! - Awww.

- God dang it, woman. - [Screams]

I almost broke my foot. Tell me, what the hell are you watchin'?

Probably get away with killing your husband.

I'm sorry! I was watchin' this show,

and then you came up on me. You got them thong sandals on.

It is Sunday. You know I air my feet out on Sundays.

Well yeah, I know and I've tried to open the windows and

then the neighbors started rioting.

- [Audience laughter] - Whatever.

Sit down, baby. I'm sorry.

Well what, what the hell are you watchin' anyway?

Law and Order Crime Scene Investigations: Special

Victims Honolulu Unit.

That show is still on?

I thought them actors would be dead by now.

Oh no, they're on season 49.

So, what's in the box?

- Mm, check it out. - Okay.

Oh baby, come on. I thought you learned your lesson from sellin' bootleg

Lakers jersey when you ran out of room on the back

of Kareem Abdul-Jabar's name.

No, that's when I found out just how dumb Donnie was.

He thought that the players' first names

were supposed to go on the front of the jersey.

Like how are you gonna sell Los Angeles Laker Kareem jerseys?

That, it don't make no sense. - What is wrong with that boy.

These are the real deal.

- You are lookin' at the new owner of the Lake Show. - Oh.

- The Lake Show? - Mm hm.

How you get in with the Lakers, Tony?

You got a big new job or somethin'? You win the lotto again?

You got a dead spouse somewhere you ain't tellin' me about.

Okay, no more Honolulu Special Crime Scene Unit for you, okay?

Now this, alright...is the real

deal here, alright. I am the proud owner

of the little Lake Show.

Oah, that is so cute!

No, cute is me leavin' out kibbles n' bits and a hot comb ready for your

sisters to come over. Thisis me being the owner

of a youth rec league team.

I'm a team owner. This is a game changer.

How so?

Well, aside from the tax write-offs and advertisement

on the jerseys, I could discover the next

Kobe Bryant! And then on draft night

he drops on a Zion Williamson-sized tear and thanks me personally.

Hm. Are you sure this isn't about relivin' your

glory days playin' ball with the Oakbridge Penguins, Tony?

Maybe a little bit.

But it ain't nothin' like havin' a coach mentorin' you.

Damn, I miss hangin' with Mr. Cooper.

[Theme Music]

♪ Woke up and my wife said to me

♪ The bill collectors want their fees

♪ The kids keep talkin' back to me

♪ Family Time

♪ Family Time, Family Time, Family Time

♪ Woa oah oah oh yeah yeah yeh

Mmm.

Oh my goodness!

- All the flavors are becoming one. - Yes!

[Giggling]

So what do you think, Cheryl? Can Anglo-Soul catering have your business?

[In unison] Anglo-Soul?

What happened to Soul Sisters?

Well, I didn't want to seem like I was appropriating

Black culture.

It's a burden being woke.

The struggle, right?

Anglo-Soul catering.

Eh, just sounds like you're servin' hate

on a plate, you know.

Sides of mashed prejudice and hot water corn brutality.

[Audience laughter]

We're Soul Sisters, okay?!

Don't you worry, Viv. You are just

8 shades and kinky curl away from being

Rachel Dolezal

- Oh. - [Doorbell rings] - Ah, I'll get the door.

[Humming]

Ah

Ah, well good afternoon you two.

What's so damn good about it?

[Door creaks]

She in her feelin's cause she's scared to retake the bar exam.

Come on, Lori. You'll pass this time.

Yeah, this time is different. Now you're

sober...ish.

That's definitely an improvement.

[Audience laughter]

[Garbled speech] That's right...every single time the traditional way,

and every single time I fail.

I knew I should've paid that guy to take the test for me.

I'm just not the bookworm type.

I learn by doing.

Yeah, learnin' by doin' is how she became the fastest

girl in school.

And I ain't talkin' about track.

She ain't run track.

- Oh I know you ain't talkin'

when you only joined the swim team to practice the breast stroke

and I ain't talkin' bout swimmin'!

Michael Feel-ups.

- Oh. - Ooh.

Well that sounds like I was just smart, okay. Cause that was a

way I'd get around all those girls in those skimpy outfits

and they had no idea I was... - Tell me more about it.

lookin' at 'em.

- They was so sexy. - Why don't you hold a mock trial here?

Huh? What do you mean? How do I do that?

- Oh, how about a real estate broker

selling homes, violating safety codes?

What, what? Eh it it's hard to tell a pool from a sink hole at night.

[Audience laughter]

Yeah, you know what? That's perfect.

We'll use Viv's idea for the trial

- Oh wait, I'll be the prosecutor. - Oh.

I dated one once.

I picked up a thing or two.

Ooh, and I can be a sexy bailiff.

And how's that supposed to help?

Okay, listen. Come on, Lori. I know you failed

1, 2, 3, 9 times! But who's counting, really? I'm not.

[Inhales] Listen, this is the rematch.

And you will win, you hear me?

Okay, little sis.

Listenin' to you, I feel like I can take on the

whole damn world.

- You can. - Or at least this whole bottle of wine ...

- Okay...come on, girl... - ...right now.

You are only 30 days away from gettin' the 30-day chip, stop.

[Audience laughter]

[Instrumental Music]

How we feelin' today? We ready to win a game?

- Good job. Hey, hey! - How's it goin'?

- Good. - Ah Anthony Stallworth,

Little Baller League scoring champion, '95, '96.

- Wow. -Yeah, 10 points a game. I know. I know.

Nice to meet you.

Ah listen, I'm looking for the coach of the Little Lake Show

- ...a coach Hoight. - That's me. That's me.

It's a pleasure to meet you, Mr. Stallworth.

You must be the mascot.

The the peacock outfit is in the closet. It's behind

the other suit. And there's a headdress that goes with it,

and there's some really nice green shoes.

You're the left, right?

Amusing, amusing. No, I am the team owner.

- Team owner? Wow, wow. - Yeah.

- Team owner. [Chuckles] - Mm hm.

Well, can you give me a few minutes? I need to give the kids a little pep talk.

Sure, get 'em fired up. Ready to win, coach.

- Okay. Alright... - Let's do it.

you might look good in the peacock outfit too.

- Knock it off. - Yes, sir. Okay, sorry.

Alright, guys. Here we go. Remember...everybody,

we're here for fun, alright.

If we happen to win a game, hey!

So much the better, okay.

So, let's have a great time

and remember, come together...okay?

Let's go out and let's build our self-esteem.

Let's say self-esteem on 3, ready? 1, 2, 3

[Collectively] Self-esteem!

Pat yourself on the back cause if you don't

pat yourself on the back in this life,

nobody's going to.

Come on, come on.

Hey hey, ponytail!

Put your hands up!

Kawhi Leonard's laugh played better D!

Nice, Kaleb. Nice, Kaleb.

Those orthopedic shoes are really keeping you upright!

It's Kaleb? Kaleb, Kaleb!

Damn that, slide your feet!

Man, stop gallopin'. This ain't no rodeo.

Good hustle, Ryan.

Your balance has improved tremendously.

[Moans]

What kinda shootin' are you doin'?

I've seen bartenders put up better shots than that!

Don't worry, Mishak! I want you to consider an air-ball

like a made basket, just a little bit off.

Tseh! Coach, coach...

don't you think you should actually be coaching?

You know I'm I'm all for a little positive

affirmation when they actually do somethin' positive.

I believe that if you give a kid negative energy,

you're gonna get negative game play.

3 minutes into the game and we're down 20.

It doesn't get any more negative than that.

[Audience laughter]

Okay, a I think I understand what you're sayin'.

Time out! Time out!

Hope on the bench. Come on, everybody.

Listen,

great job out there.

Okay, you are playing with

such...

bravery, such courage, such power that

you have scored a point in my heart.

[Beating chest] You have scored a point in my heart.

Really, really, okay?

So I want you to forget, pretend the score isn't

zero to 20. It's zero, zero.

And we're startin' over again, baby.

Okay? So go out there and take it to 'em!

Go get 'em!

[Exhales]

Coach, d'oh real quick..

- Yeah. - Another, hey...

Um, I need you to do me a favor.

- Huh. - Could you go outside and find you a

gravel pit, and kick rocks!

Fuh...oh, what do you mean?

I am not sponsorin' a team full of losers. You're fired!

Well, weh weh weh, you can't fire me.

Uh, I'm a volunteer!

I'll give you $100 to kick rocks.

Wow, $100?

Wow.

I guess I'm goin' to the casino.

[Audience laughter]

[Instrumental Music]

All rise for the honorable Slim-thick judge,

Lisa Stallworth.

Doom doom, chicka chicka. Doom doom, chicka chicka.

- Duh, doom, doom. - Ow, okay.

Doo doo, chicka chicka. Doo doo, chicka chicka. Doo doo,

[Audience laughter]

[Banging gavel] - Oh, now hook it up.

[Rhythm banging] - Uh!...uh oh, ooh!

Hey, hey.

Alright, court is now in session!

Okay, we just be playin'.

It is in session.

- [Exhales] - This is the case of...

Slumlord Sally

[Audience laughter]

Okay prosecutor, please present your opening statements.

Thank you, your honor.

I'm a person of the people.

And so I can tell you that the people

don't like to be hustled.

The defendant is a swamp dealer

and a slumlord who knowingly sold my client a mud hole.

resulting in her being admitted to

the ICU due to the effects of hazardous living conditions.

- Damn heifer, you cold.

[Audience laughter]

Asbestos in the attic...lead pipes and lead paint!

They poisoned my client sending her into

crippling medical debt.

The prosecution rests.

Oh, Cheryl is good.

- Here I thought she was like this ditsy, Oriental-- - Okay, wait!

Okay Rachel, nobody asked for the play by play.

They really didn't okay. Just zip it.

Thank you. Concerning Calloway, please present your opening statements.

Tell them I showed compassion. I gave her a gas mask.

Shhh.

Your honor, it's clear that my client is innocent.

- [Scoffs] - She's a pillar of the community.

- And a damn good cook. - Mm hm.

Not to mention, her real estate record speaks

for itself. Exhibit one, please.

- Ooh, exhibit two.

Her wrap sheet, also speaks for itself.

Damn, her wrap sheet is longer than Crenshaw Boulevard.

[Audience laughter]

And Cheryl is killing it.

Yes, girl...yes.

Your honor, could you please control your bailiff,

Miss Disgrace Jones, over here.

I had enough out of you, Oblivious Pope.

- You know what? - We can go!

- I wanna be classy, here. - What's up?

- You always wanna put your part into somebody. - Order in the court!

- Oh, impossible. - Order in the court!!!

I do not wanna have to hold you two in contempt of the court.

[In unison] Sorry your honor, Slim-thick.

Please, proceed.

Your honor, my client is protected

under penal code YZ400,

Fo-hundred!

which protects her because she was open and honest

about the condition and history of the property.

I mean the plaintiff had numerous opportunities to

conduct her own investigation of the lot and failed to do so.

- Weh a well, I [clears throat] actually. - Not!...

to mention, she is also exonerated

under the zoning code,

which stipulates that the plaintiff signed a waiver

releasing my client of any and all legal

responsibility

that resulted after her residency there.

Oh, okay. Will the prosecution like to respond?

I would, yes.

Ummm...

just have something here, just..

one second.

Hey, where were you when I was actually on trial?

[Screams] I'm jammin', y'all!

Aaah!

[Instrumental Music]

Two draft picks? Deal.

Yep, tell those parents

to pack up and dress warm because it gets cold in Lancaster.

Alright, see ya later.

Hey Tone, a

you hostin' refugees at work?

Oh no, that's my new star player, Saleem.

Did he eat the other refugees on his way up here?

[Audience laughter]

Nah, he's just a big kid.

You mean big-ass adult, man. He 27.

[Audience laughter]

Ain't that right, man?

12 [Chuckles] Pass the ball.

Open [Laughs]

Excuse me?

I am open.

Pass.

[Audience laughter]

A I think Saleem is broken, man.

What is he doin' here anyway? I thought you was just a team sponsor.

I am more than a sponsor, Donnie.

I am the heart and soul of this organization.

[Laughs] Don't you think you're lettin' this go to your head a little bit, man?

I saw the kids outside runnin' laps with cinder blocks.

Since when are you the child labor law investigator?

[Audience laughter]

You are absolutely right. What did you call me down here for?

I called you over here to offer you the opportunity of a lifetime.

How would you like to be the assistant coach of the Little Lake Show?

Ah, how would the head coach feel about me bein' the assistant coach?

I feel just fine. That's why I offered you the job.

But I thought you were the team sponsor, not the head coach.

Ah...team owner.

And as the owner, I had to fire the coach

because he wasn't takin' the team in the right direction.

So, you in?

I accept.

Good, have a seat.

[Feet shuffling]

Mr. Stallworth, sir.

Daniel Freely, right?

Averaging 6 points. Hm, what you want?

[Audience laughter] We've been running laps for hours.

Can't we please take a water break?

Water break? They don't even have water where he's from.

Listen, your body is made up of

70% water.

Use up all of that, and then maybe I'll let you drink out of the water hose.

Now scram!

Damn, Tone.

Yeah, can you believe that? Averaging 6 points and having the nerve

to ask for a water break.

Nah, I just meant he looks like he grows up to be him.

But I just meant you're kinda bein' harsh, ain't ya?

Listen, the last coach was too soft.

I gotta rewire this team. Ain't that right, Saleem?

Pass ball.

Open.

[Instrumental Music]

Your honor, we have examined,

and cross-examined,

and there is no doubt that my client is innocent.

And these allegations

deserve to be buried

alongside the prosecutor

and her trashy blouse.

- Oh. - Oh.

Wow.

Wow Lori. I mean a Miss-- Miss Calloway,

that was a very compelling closing statement.

Now if the prosecution has nothing

- ...further to add, this case-- - Oh! Wait.

I do have a surprise witness.

[Collective gasp]

Surprise witness? Girl, who'd you invite over to my house?

- Oh, um...your honor,

may I have a quick sidebar with my attorney?

- Mm hm. - Granted.

Who is this? What's goin' on?

Well, remember when I went to prison for that whole insider trading thing?

Well that man worked for the company that I was

trading against.

- Oh my gosh, why didn't you tell me he was coming, Vivian? - I...

didn't know.

This is John.

His very intriguing story shines light on what kind of a woman

Vivian really is.

Well yeah, I'll be the judge of that.

Okay.

Please stand and state your name.

Ah Spritz, John Spritz.

Put your hand on the Get magazine.

Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothin' but the truth

so swear on the Get beauty of the week?

I do.

Soo woop!

- Please proceed Miss-- - I object!

Your honor, it's obvious this man was paid to be here.

- I was not. - Can I pay you to leave?

Objection overruled.

[Cheryl] Tell your story.

Vivian sold me a house.

And while she was working for me, she eavesdropped

on a conversation between my boss and I.

And after she got the information she needed,

she illegally traded my company's stock.

My boss fired me for being a mole.

I lost my house. I lost my wife.

My libido.

- Oh. - Mmm.

- [Rachel] Mmm. - There, there, you

poor man, very brave.

Miss Calloway, will the defense like to respond?

I double object!

Your honor, eh

the prosecutor never supplied me with the

character witness list.

You know what? Not being prepared is not an excuse, your honor.

- She's unprepared. - Well he's a surprise!

How am I supposed to prepare for a surprise?

- Lori-- - He wasn't in the textbook!

Lori I'm sorry, I have to side

- with Cheryl on this one. I'm sorry. - But it's not fair!

The judgment goes to the plaintiff.

[Screams] I won. I won!

Yeah!

- [Rachel] Ooh damn, sorry Viv.

I hope you didn't throw your shank away.

Ooh, I ain't goin' back!

Bye.

Uah! Yes!

- I mean, that was good. - I'm done.

Lori, sorry.

[Instrumental Music]

Alright, alright, alright. That's it, that's it, that's it. Huddle up, huddle up.

Huddle up. A couple a words before we get started.

First of all, why are you wearing the wrong jerseys?

We don't want you to be our sponsor anymore.

You're crazy.

[Chuckles] Child, a this is

myteam, okay.

I own y'all. Y'all can't fire me.

David's dad has more money, and he's sponsoring the team now.

Okay, okay, alright.

Alright. You're gonna do this to me, huh?

Huh, to me?!

I will have y'all playin' basketball

- ...in Pelican Bay when I'm finished! - I love Pelicans.

You love what?

[Laughs] No shoe program for you!

No shoe program for you!

You like shoes? None for you!

- No shoe program for you! -Hey hey, Tone, Tone!

- What do you want?! - Hey man...

I know kids are fickle, but so is the sports business, man.

Heh, look you lettin' this owner business go to your head.

Look man, this is a kids league, dude.

You right.

Kids I'm...I'm sorry.

Okay, I guess I got a little carried away.

I always wanted to be a team owner. I guess it kind of went to my head.

I took the fun out of that so

for that, I apologize.

We accept your apology.

But you're still fired. We have a game to play.

Fair enough.

[Instrumental Music]

Oh thank God. Lisa, you're home.

I need a huge favor.

Okay Lori, no. I don't care how fine he is.

I am not loaning you my Spanx again.

- Last time I loaned you two and you wore two.. -No.

and you damn near passed out.

- I'm no. - You know what?

This has nothing to do with your Spanx. It's not that.

This can't wait.

The bar results are in,

and I'm just, I'm just afraid I failed

again. And I just can't bare to read them!

Oh my goodness. You are so dramatic.

Why do you think you failed?

I mean after loosing to Cheryl.

And she's not even a paralegal.

I just get so nervous, and everything just flies out of my head.

There's no way I passed.

Okay, listen. You did great in the mock trial. You referenced

violations and codes.

You would make a great attorney, okay.

Anybody is gonna be lucky to have you.

[Sighs] You're right.

Someday I will make a great attorney.

Damn, right! Now let's

- ...look at these re-- - I don't know if it's today.

- What? Okay. Now you know what? Go ahead. - Just don't. I don't think so.

- Here, let me, let me look. - No, I just don't think. I don't--

- Just let me look. - You sure? Okay, fine. Well no maybe not.

- If you don't give me this phone. - Ah, okay, okay. Fine, take it.

- Give me the phone. - Ah, no no.

- Thank you. Oh my gosh. - Aah!

Sheh! [Lori cringes]

Oh you scored

290 out of the minimum requirement of 288.

[Sighs]

You passed!

[Screams] You passed. Congratulations!

I passed?

Lori, you passed.

Uah!

I'd like to thank God

[Laughter]

and the bar association and all the little people

like my dear, young Lisa

who believed in me

even when I didn't believe in myself.

Now go get them Spanx.

This litigator has to go find a new client to cross-examine

until he throws himself at the mercy of the court.

[Squeals]

Ah ha ha, baby.

What?!

Come on, come on, come on.

[Saleem] I am open. [Claps] Pass.

- [Saleem laughs] - And there went my tier.

Hey what's up, Tone?

Hey, Donnie. Wait a minute.

Doesn't the Little Lake Show have a game today?

They do, but they fired me.

Really, why?

Well aside from me not knowin' a damn thing about basketball

plays, and we lost our lost game 88 to 8.

Yeah, besides that.

[Sighs] Well...

they fired me cause I gave the kid who sucked the most playin' time.

What's wrong with that? You're just tryin' to develop the kid's skills

so he becomes a better player.

Damn the skills.

His mom is recently divorced and I was tryin' to catch a rebound.

[Laughter]

[Instrumental Music]