Original subtitles

[Instrumental music]

Look at that right there, boy.

Had all the honeys.

You know, I was supposed to be Lisa McDowell's love interest

in "Coming to America".

Boy, I was shining back then!

The only thing I see "shining" is that

juicy-ass jerry curl dripping down the side of your head. [Laughter]

That's why they call you "Hot Rod", that sweat look like motor oil.

[Donnie laughs loudly]

Well you know what? Forget both of y'all, y'all don't know nothin'.

I got ladies. Got 'em now, had 'em then.

More than I can say for both of y'all.

You trippin'!

Man, I had all the ladies back on me

way more than Tone did back in High School.

Look, I know you ain't braggin' about

hairy knuckle Harriet,

turkey neck Tanya,

and donkey breath Darlyn. [Laughter]

Hey look, don't hate, man.

You know why they called her "donkey",

'cause she had all the donkey-donk from the cake side.

[laughter]

* Woke up and my wife said to me

* The bill collectors want their fees

* The kids keep talkin' back to me

* Family time

* Family time, family time, family time

[Instrumental music]

I don't care where she is.

If they ever make Idris the black James Bond,

I know I'll be cast as one of his Bond girls. [Audience laughs]

Oh, please.

By the time they decide to cast him, you really be old as hell.

You're just jealous because you know Idris and I

would just be too hot to handle in the love scenes!

Yes, hot because you'd be having hot flashes the whole time.

Alright, enough! [Audience laughing]

Can we just have a nice little sister brunch

without y'all bickering the entire time?

Don't blame me, blame her.

I mean, it's just, she has a had time handling that I was

born to be a star.

Yeah, more like Sponge Bob's Patrick Star.

You know what? And I bet you Sponge Bob doesn't.

- You wish. - Excuse me.

Hi, um, I just wanted to say that

the texture of your hair is

absolutely marvelous.

I mean, what are you, pre-up?

[Laughter]

I mean, it is practically glistening from every angle.

- Why, yes. - Uh, you do know that's not her real-

Angle! [Chuckles] [Audience laughs]

- This angle here is much, much better. - Oh.

But continue, ignore her. As you were saying?

Allow me to introduce myself.

My name is Deborah Jones.

Oh, Deborah, darling. Mwah!

And I am a representative at Starlight Talent Agency.

Oh, Deborah darling, well,

let me introduce. This,

is my assistant, Lisa. [Audience laughs]

And my maid, Wilt Jr. [Audience laughs]

Nice to meet you all.

- Pardon the interruption. - Oh, no, please, darling.

I actually just came over to

ask if you would be willing to do

an ad campaign for

"Lose Dem Naps" hair care line.

[Gasps] I love "Lose Dem Naps"!

I use their pomade wax like,

everyday to lay down my little baby hairs. [Laughs]

Yeah, and Lori uses 'em.

to lay down her beady b's on her nappy-ass kitchen.

- Did I mention her hair's fake? - Oh, she's so silly!

We found her in the jungle. [Audience laughs]

Oh, wow!

- I'm from there, too. - Ooh.

Rough place to grow up.

You know, I heard the neighborhood's been gentrified.

Oh darling, not that jungle,

she was raised by a meerkat

and wild boar. [Laughter]

Well, okay.

So what do you say, Lori?

Well, I don't know...

I'll definitely have to consult my high

powered managers about it.

But it does sound like a great business move.

Well, great!

Here's my business card.

Ooh, we'll be in touch!

Thank you Deborah.

- Bye. - Toodle-loo.

[Vocalizing]

[Instrumental music]

[Inaudibly chatting]

- Oh! - Hey mom! Hey dad!

Well look what the wind blew in!

Yeah, smellin' like funky clothes. [Laughing]

It's so nice of you to grace us with your presence.

Yes, we thought since you're going to college in town

we'd see you more often.

Well mom, you know how it is,

studying, frat parties-

[Stammering] Miss me with the frat parties,

- tell me about that studying, how's that going? - Right.

It's going fine, I just got an A on my Spanish midterm.

Speaking of Spanish, [Sniffs] Do I smell like tacos?

Tengo hombre, [Sniffs] donde es del las tacos!

[Laughter] Uh, taco abre to you too, baby.

[Lisa laughs]

Where's the food at dad, I'm hungry.

Oh, oh, hey, well, it's good to see that my money's going to good use.

Yeah, you can have my plate, baby.

- Sit down, enjoy yourself. - Mm-hmm.

Mm, mom! This food is really good!

Oh, well thank you.

I'm tryin' to figure out if I should cook this same meal for Lori, or if I should

make something different.

Why are you worried about what to feed Lori?

Ain't it hibernating season for bears anyway? [Laughter]

Shut up, Tony.

I'm talking about for her hair ad reveal party I'm hosting.

Aunt Lori's a hair model? Since when?

Well, as of this afternoon, she is now the

new face of "Lose Dem Naps".

What is her face gonna do, scare them naps straight? [Laughter]

- Hey, what's up Stallworths? - [Lisa] Oh, hey Donnie.

Hi, what're we eatin'?

We are eating the food that my wife prepared for us. [Laughter]

Why you gotta treat me like a second class citizen?

Why you always gotta come into my house unannounced?

Why don't you know Ebony ain't yours?

[Laughter]

How you gonna walk straight after I beat yo ass?

Touche.

Hey mom, dad, uh, can I please go?

Uh, not until you've finished your dinner.

Please mom? I'll finish it later.

My friend's supposed to come pick me up.

Which friend?

Um, well, his name is Marcus,

and he's sort of kinda my boyfriend.

[All] Your what?!

My... boyfriend.

My gosh, she said it again!

Okay, that's it. Go upstairs,

lock the door, and don't come down 'til you're 30!

Dad, I'm not Rapunzel. Besides,

you were the one who said I could have a boyfriend when I'm 17.

Mm, she does have a point there, Tony.

So can I please go mom? He's waiting.

No, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah!

You tell Michael bring his inside so we can meet him.

Ugh, fine! His name is Marcus.

Marcus Dowly, don't mess his name up.

[Tony gasps]

A boyfriend, Tone?

Now she just catchin' attitudes?

At the rate she goin', she'll be catchin' dollas at the strip club!

Keep it up, you about to catch this fade. [Laughter]

Lisa, did you know about this?

No, Tony, I didn't know, but it was

- bound to happen eventually. - Mm-hmm.

Mom, dad, uncle Donnie,

this is my boyfriend Marcus.

- Hi, hi, nice to meet you... - What?

[Laughter]

Huh?

That's what they all say! Ebony, go wait in the car!

- What? - You heard him.

- Get in the car. - Go on.

Get yo ass in the car. [Laughter]

You play sports, Marcus?

Yes sir, I played football.

Oh yeah? You score any touchdowns?

- Yes, sir. - You lookin' to score touchdowns today?

Oh, no, sir! Uh-uh-uh. [Laughter]

- You ever been to prison? - Yes, sir.

- Oh hell no, lock the door. - Oh, you 'bout, it's going down!

Oh, no, no, wait, wait, wait! Please, please, please!

No, no, no! I, I went to jail

for an internship. I, I'm studying Criminal Justice.

- Oh, that's admirable. - That's pretty good.

Good job. You know, you gotta focus on your [Inaudible].

- Solid, nice guy. - Can, can I?

- Can I go wait in the car? - Yeah, sure.

Yeah, get outta here, man. [Donnie chuckles]

Seems like a good kid.

Yeah, hey, I'm just glad I didn't have to get my secret weapon.

Donnie, you brought a gun into my house?

Hell naw!

It's in the car.

[Stammering] I don't know what's wrong with you man, you keep a gun in your car?

No! It's in yours. [Laughter]

Like I'm gonna ride around with an unregistered weapon in my car. [Laughs]

If I get arrested, who gonna take care of the kids?

Donnie, get the hell outta my house. [Instrumental music]

[Instrumental music]

Sorry dolls, I'm late.

Uh, yeah, we've been waiting on you.

Well, my new assistant was running late

to Kinky's to blow up a life size image of me

in my new ad.

Didn't they just send it in an email?

Yes, of course they did. But,

you can't contain this type of beauty in the clouds. [Laughter]

I wanna see me

large, in charge, and in livin' color, honey! [Laughter]

Okay, Wanda.

Girl, so where were you?

Honey,

you can't rush flawlessness.

But, as compensation for your patience,

I have brought everyone here

a complimentary sample

of "Lose Dem Naps"!

Here, there's one for you.

How you think Becky got that good hair? [Laughter]

I have one...

- for you. - Thank you.

[Audience laughing]

I have one for you, gorgeous, yes!

And somewhere I, I think I only have one left.

Perfect.

Oh, no, darling. See,

this conditioner only works on human hair. [Laughter]

Oh, don't look so sad.

Don't they make conditioners at the stables where you live?

[Laughter]

Gimme the conditioner!

With your Oscar the Grouch fur on!

Anyway, everyone, ladies and gender neutrals!

[Laughter] Thank you.

[Doorbell rings]

Whitney May...

what? girl, get in here!

I'mma call your mamma.

Alright everyone, here Whitney, darling.

Grab this.

Ah! Presenting...

my new add... for "Lose Dem Naps!"

Lori Calloway's debut!

[Audience gasps]

[Screaming] Oh, Lord!

[Lori gasping]

What in the Tamar Braxton?

[Instrumental music] [Laughter]

Good morning everybody.

Ha ha, my man 'Tone!

What's up man? You come in here lookin' all happy and whatnot.

That is because I am. You know fellas,

when you have a baby girl,

your biggest fear, or one of them anyway,

is that one day she'll bring home a knucklehead. [Laughter]

Well, I can officially say I am not one of those fathers.

Okay, and how can you say that, without a doubt?

Well, because, I met Ebony's little boyfriend.

And uh, he seems like a good kid.

Now, he don't have any face tats,

he doesn't have multi-colored hair,

and he doesn't say "gang gang" every 30 seconds like I anticipated.

Well that's all good, but

that doesn't make him immune to bein' a knucklehead.

You know, he took it pretty well when me and Donnie grilled him.

And um, hey, they out right now gettin' ice cream.

- Ice cream? - Oh yeah.

[Chuckles] Ice cream?

Oh, the old "ice cream" trick.

I used to take girls to get ice cream back in the day. [Chuckles]

Boy, let's just say, uh,

well she was the mango,

and I was the sherbert. [Laughter]

So you're sayin' I shouldn't trust him?

I'm sayin' keep an eye on this cat, man.

Keep an eye on him, huh?

Like Fetty Wap. [Laughter]

[Instrumental music]

Mm!

Now this thing, this thing debuts

in two days, people!

And I'll be damned if my modeling debut has me looking like

Montel Williams' fraternal twin. [Laughter]

I mean you're the lawyer, why don't you I don't know, sue 'em?

No, see,

that would be lettin' 'em off way too easy, Lisa.

Why don't you just march right in there and

talk to the people that are responsible for it, Lori?

Now that

would be a great idea.

And you know Rachel and I, we'll be,

you know, we'll be right there to support you.

Rachel who? [Audience laughs]

Yeah, sure fine, I'll, I'll help.

I mean, I do feel bad that you look like Amber Roach. [Laughter]

[Instrumental music]

I'm sorry my dad got a little crazy.

Hi.

My name is Angela, and I'll be your server this evening.

Can I get you two started with the senior citizen's special?

Uh, uh, I'll just take a beer.

Alright, can I see some ID?

- Uh, uh... - Um, uh...

[Chuckles] I'm just messin' with you.

Um, okay, so one beer for the young man. And...

for you, sir?

Well, if Willie Jones' gonna have a beer, [Laughter]

Jarvis is gonna have one as well. [Laughter]

- Alright. I'll be back with those drinks. - Hmm!

I think I'm better as Jarvis. [Laughter]

Wow Tone, I gotta dress like an old man more often!

I feel so respectable now.

Maybe after this, I can drive by the senior living center,

and pick up one of those old broads. [Laughter]

They say old folks' homes

are like the new brothels. [Laughter]

Would you knock it off?

We are dressed up so that we can spy on them, that's it!

Okay? Focus.

Here are your two beers.

- Thank you, darlin'. - Hey!

Haven't I seen you in one of those magazines before?

You may have.

I model part time for Benti by Rekana.

I'll give you five bucks

if you can guess the exact magazine I was in.

- Jet. - No.

- Essence? - No.

Ebony! [Laughter]

Did you? Did you hear somebody call my name?

That's a bet.

Damn it Donnie! You almost blew our cover!

Sorry Willie, [Clears throat] Tony.

Wow Ebony, you are so beautiful.

Aww, thanks babe.

I know we haven't been together that long,

but with you it's like I, I have this instant connection.

I want you by my side all the time.

So, that's why I wanted to ask you

if you'd be interested in moving in with me next semester. [Audience gasps]

[Instrumental music]

[Instrumental music]

Alright, now y'all look like y'all in the middle of a meeting.

But I need answers!

Not now, hmm!

But right now!

Uh, ma'am, we are in the middle of a meeting, so you need to leave.

Baby, I don't care if you're in the middle of open heart surgery.

I want to know who made me bald? Huh?

Was it you?

Was it you? 'Cause you look like

you done made somebody bald!

Lady, ma'am, okay?

Now, you cannot be in here,

so you gonna have to leave.

I know my rights, baby.

I am a lawyer.

- Since when? - You be quiet!

I'm almost a lawyer!

You're supposed to be on my side today.

And I need to know who's responsible.

[Singing] Yeah!

- And who are you? - Huh?

Oh honey, I am the Lori Calloway.

The face of "Lose Dem Naps".

And these...

are my "yeah, sisters".

[Singing] Yeah!

- You're the face of "Lose Dem Damn Naps"? - Mm-hmm.

You look so much different with hair.

[She scoffs] I mean, you look like Paula J Parker.

Oh, whoever she is.

From "Friday".

Oh, honey, you ain't got to lie.

And flattery will get you nowhere, palsie.

Now, you need to start talkin' right now.

Are you the one who tried to sabotage my big

break by makin' me Photoshopped bald?

Um, sabotage, now why would that be sabotage?

Oh, don't play dumb with her,

you know damn well you got my sister out here lookin' like

an alien from Area 51! [Laughter]

Exactly!

We can call our sister ÷ET, but you can't! [Laughter]

Don't even think about pulling one over on the Calloway sisters,

okay? 'Cause we don't play!

Hmm. I'm sure you two don't, but,

but anyway, there's a, there's a logical explanation for this.

Well you better get to logically explainin'

before these hoops come out, 'cause once they do honey,

I won't be able to logically 'splain to the judge

why my fist is logically lodged up yo nose!

Okay, listen alpha woman!

Okay? Now I can understand why you have

a problem with the poster and the campaign.

But this particular ad was used to promote

our new hair removal line.

- Mm? - No, really.

See, we wanted to showcase the beauty

of the black bald women who get stigmatized

every day because of people like you

with these negative connotations about

black bald head.

No, no, no, I love alopecias! [Laughter]

So what you're sayin' is

I could be seen

as a revolutionary,

- if I let y'all go bald? - Yeah.

More than that, see, you'll be on the Mount Rushmore of bald heads.

- I like that. - Yeah. [Laughter]

- Like Common. - Oh yeah, he sings some nice songs.

Damon Wayans.

- Or Mitch Payne. - But who could top

Amber Rose?

Baby, will ya slut walk for me?

- Mm, mm, mm. We doin' something. - Okay.

Okay, I see where you're goin' with this.

- Yeah. - You know, this sounds wonderful with an "o".

- Alright then, okay. - Wait, wait, wait.

Hold up, so,

what does this mean? We not whuppin' no ass today? [Laughter]

'Cause I ain't bring this police baton out here for nothin'. [Laughter]

Okay, no, now fortunately for me, it means that

Lori Calloway will be the face of all our products

- and I'm doubling your salary. - Woo!

- Yeah! - I even triple it if I can have a date with you.

- Yeah! - Alright.

[Singing softly] No.

[Instrumental music]

That answer is hell no!

- Mr. Stallworth? - Dad, is that you?!

You damn right it's me.

And uncle Donnie?!

Oh no, now, I'm Jarvis,

- I was born in 1939- - Will you knock it off?!

What are you guys doing here? And why are you dressed like Eddie Murphy

and Martin Lawrence in "Life"?

The real question is why are you tryin' to move

in with some boy you don't even know?

You don't even know what I-

Oh what, how "in love" y'all are?

Save it Ebony, wait 'til your mamma hear about this!

- But, but- - But nothin'! This little date is over!

Come on! [Instrumental Music]

Ugh, my life is ruined.

Ah, stop whining, your daddy won the lottery. [Audience laughs]

Lisa! Lisa! Can you come downstairs for a minute?

What's going on?

And why are you two dressed like Kid 'n Played out? [Laughter]

To answer both of your questions, what's going on is something

terrible, okay? And, and the second question's,

- it was all Donnie's idea. - What?!

It, it was Tony's idea to spy on Marcus and Ebony!

Okay wait, I know it sounds bad,

but what Ebony's doin',

oh, that sounds a lot worse!

She's tryin' to move in with her little boyfriend next semester!

Oh wait, Ebony, is this true? [Doorbell rings]

What do you want?

I just want to apologize.

And I want you to give me the number of yo barber. [Audience laughs]

Look sir,

I know it was extremely inappropriate of me to ask your daughter to move in,

but the only reason I asked her, aside from wanting to be with her, is

because it would make the rent cheaper.

But I know you guys probably still hate me, so,

I guess I'll just leave you with that.

Alright, take it easy. [Laughter]

Marcus, wait, wait, wait, wait.

I know I prolonged this tension by not speaking up for myself,

and since I'm old enough to make my own decisions,

mom, dad, I'm not moving in with Marcus.

- Wait, you're not? - No.

And if you would've let me answer that at dinner,

me and Marcus wouldn't have to end our date so abruptly.

And you and uncle Donnie wouldn't be temporarily banned from that restaurant.

- Yeah... - That's a very wise decision, Ebony.

You two are way too young to be moving in together.

Oh I know, and I factored the whole eating situation

since Marcus or I can cook, it was kind of a no-brainer.

But, he knows how I feel about him

and he knows that it'll be okay if we took things slow, right?

Absolutely.

Hm.

Well you know what, I... sorry I ruined your date, man.

It's all good, Mr. Stallworth.

Well, the date doesn't have to be over.

Is it alright if I take Ebony to get some ice cream?

[Both] Hell no! [Laughter]

[Marcus] No.

- I know, I know. - Yeah. - Mm.

Hey, but his fade was tight. [Instrumental music]

[Instrumental music]

Hello ladies!

- Hey. - Okay,

presenting, drum roll please.

[Vocalizing drum roll]

Lose Dem Caps!

[Both] Daaaaamn! [Laughter]

Damn!

Uh, is that the poster

for the new Sharknado movie? [Laughter]

No, Ama-gross-a,

it's my new ad campaign

for people with caps on their teeth.

To help them realize how beautiful they are with their natural gaps.

Mm. It looks like

a sign up for a self defense or else class.

Oh ye of little brains. [Laughter]

I think it's great that you're using your platform to help

under represented groups of people.

Thank you, Lisa. Yeah.

See, my next ad campaign is called "Lose Dem Gaps",

to help people with gaps realize

we need braces.

[Instrumental music]