Original subtitles

[Instrumental Music]

Okay Lisa, I done had it with this dag gone sheet, now.

- Is this the right sheet? - Yes, Tony. It's the right sheet.

Now this is a piece of sheet.

[Audience laughter]

Oh man, Tony. Seriously, I just don't know what to do.

Now that the kids are gone, it's like I can finally focus on

my career.

I want you to help focus on this bed, please.

[Audience laughter]

I'm serious.

Maybe I can start a daycare. What do you think about that?

Daycare? You want a bunch of badass kids

runnin' around my house? No, thank you.

We just finished Daycare with Devin and Ebony.

It's bad enough we still got Donnie.

Yeah, you might be right about that.

Ooh what about, maybe I could sell cosmetics?

You know? Have little parties at the house and

sell makeup and do demonstrations.

Oh hell, no. So instead of a bunch of badass kids,

you want a bunch of preachin' ass women runnin' around my house.

I got it bad enough with your sisters,

- ...David and Goliath. - Oh, stop it, Tony.

- What about a masseuse? I could be a masseuse. - What?!

No, no. Hell, no.

My wife ain't puttin' her hands on nobody but me.

You better think of somethin' else.

Okay well Tony, you know I'm not gonna just

sit around and twiddle my thumbs.

Seriously, I'm gonna start a business. I just have to figure it out.

Why don't you just figure out a business that sells sheets

- ...that actually fit. - Oh,

now if you woulda just been more patient, Tony, I was gonna help you

get it on!

[Audience laughter]

Now that we got it on, I'm ready to get it off.

Not with you lookin' like a Jabberwocky. Nah, take that off.

Uh mm. The mask stays on.

[Theme Music]

* Woke up and my wife said to m

* The bill collectors want thei fees

* The kids keep talkin' back to me

* Family time

* Family time. Family time. Family time

* Woa oah oah oah, yeah eah eah

[Instrumental Funk Music]

What? No, Brandy. I can't feed my clients weenie dogs and ramen noodles.

This is an important meeting.

Your cousin caters?

Big Jeff, The Hood Chef?

[Audience laughter]

Sunflower seeds and Kool-aid?

Listen here, girl. I am feeding business men,

not prison inmates.

Hello? Huh? Ah, dangit.

Phone died.

Hey baby, what you got here?

It's an apple fritter pancake.

I found the recipe online, but you know I

added a little bit of my Lisa magic.

Lisa magic is why we got 2 kids.

[Laughter]

You know I've always enjoyed cooking. And actually

I just heard you on the phone and now that I

think about it, you don't need to hire a caterer.

I could just cook for you.

Oh um, well that's nice

sweetheart, but um

I'm really thinkin' about doin' somethin' nice at the office. Yo know,

sit and talk shop while we at the shop kinda thing.

Ah yeah you must forget who cooks for

Thanksgiving and Christmas.

My mother.

[Audience laughter]

Yeah you, you keep talkin' you're gonna be movin' back in with

your mother.

You know I'm playin'. And I appreciate you. Thank you.

But, I need a pro, alright.

Now I gotta call Brandy back on my

menu's gonna consist of a

prison pancakes, jailhouse juice,

correctional facility crab cakes, yo know what I'm talkin' about?

[Audience laughter]

[Instrumental Music]

[Music from Television]

I could do this all day.

I should teach a class in video game.

Hey, I'd take that class.

You're takin' it right now.

Uh! And just like that...

- ...game. - Hey, man.

Just took you to school.

Again? Speakin' of school, how's it been goin'?

Well, everything's cool. You know,

finally got off academic probation.

[Audience laughter]

That's cool. You feel like you actually learn anything?

Yep. I learned I'm great at multi-tasking.

I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate

all at the same time.

What about you?

I know we got some of the prettiest girls in my school.

And you can't beat that California weather.

That is true. You know last winter it was so cold at my

school, my shadow froze to the sidewalk.

[Audience laughter]

Hey, Ross.

- Hey, Mrs. Stallworth. - Hey Devin...

do somethin' with this. And clean up this room.

It smells like feet and armpits.

Thanks Mom.

Hm, what do we have here?

Trash.

Trash?

Oah, trash.

Wait, what's this?

It looks like a credit card.

Did you apply for that?

Yep. I got a free box of ramen noodles when I did.

[Audience laughter]

That's like free money.

Yep. All this says here is that I gotta call to activate it.

So what's you tryin' to do?

I'm a call and activate this bad boy.

Then we headed to the mall cause you know chicks like

- ...new fits. - Ooh hoo, man...

I heard there's a couple a parties this labor day weekend

that's supposed to be lit.

Alright. Who's throwin' em?

I know Elephantisha's throwin' one.

Oh heck no, man!

You know she's nosey as hell.

Last time I saw her, she was talkin' about gettin' a nose job.

And she said, she was tired of all her pullover sweaters

havin' stretch marks.

[Laughter]

Man, you know she gotta lift her nose up

to eat.

[Laughter]

Hey man I'm tellin' you, we should head to the mall,

we should pick up those new Air Force None's because

shoes are the fist things women look at when they see us.

- You right. You right. So I'm a get me a pair. - Mm hm.

- Then I'm a get you a pair. - Oh yeah.

And then I'm a get a pair to sell.

I'm tellin' you man, we get those Air Force None's,

we gonna meet our soulmate.

[Audience laughter]

[Instrumental Music]

A so can I offer anybody a beverage?

Mr. Stallworth, when is the food gonna be here?

We're gettin' kinda hungry.

Oh yeah, the caterers are on their way soon.

- Okay. - Well, I hope they hurry.

My stomach was growling so bad before, some of the investors

wondered if I brought my dog.

Understood. Um, let me just check with my assistant.

[Stomach growls]

[Audience laughter]

Brandy, where are the caterers?

I don't know. And if you woulda got my cousin like I

said, this party would be lit by now.

He come with his own DJ and everything.

I told you.

We are not postin' a prison release party.

Well find out where the caterers are.

- Okay, fine. Okay. - Come on.

I'm on it.

Coulda had a hand full of sunflower seeds by now.

Ah listen, I know everybody

is really hungry, but the caterer should be here any minute.

Okay, but we've been here long enough.

And we may have to go if it doesn't get here soon.

I can't talk business on an empty stomach.

Understood. I know, I know exactly how you feel.

Let me just check with my assistant.

It'll be here soon.

[Growling]

You heard that? It sounded like a dog was growlin' around here.

[Indistinct]

Nup, then now what happened?

Don't get mad.

I got some bad news.

Well what is it? Spit it out.

So the caterer that that we ordered,

- ...they cancelled. They, they ain't comin'. - What?

Cancelled? I didn't cancel nothin'.

Ah..hell, naw!

[Growling]

See Mr. Stallworth, I told you I'm scared of dogs!

It's like he gettin' closer...

- or mad. - Would you--

[Music stings out]

[Instrumental Music]

Okay now tell me again why you cancelled that order?

Because if your ghetto chef cousin shows up

servin' fried bologna and spaghetti sandwiches,

we gonna have a problem!

But I didn't cancel the order.

Is there a problem, Mr. Stallworth?

Ah no, no no. Not at all, a Mr. Kavutskiy

Just a give us a few more moments.

Alright, but...

time is ticking.

[Audience laughter]

Hey. Hello everybody.

Soul Sisters catering has arrived.

I'm I'm I'm sorry for bein' a little late. There was a little

traffic.

Well it's about time.

Kind of reminds me of the last diet I followed.

It didn't follow me so I unfollowed it.

Ooh. Hello. Hi everyone. I'm Mrs.

I'm Mrs. Stallworth.

There is a god.

Hallelujah. Go on and do it!

Brandy, can you help me set this up?

- I don't mind. - Thank you.

Baby you have no idea

how much you saved me right now.

Oh no, I know.

Wait a minute, how do you know?

I cancelled the catering order, Tony.

What?! Why would you do that?

Because I looked he company up online and they had

horrible ratings.

One of the reviewers said the head chef used to be a

clown, and his food taste funny.

Hm. I guess I should've did my research before I hired him.

Yeah, plus I really wanted to prove to you that I could do this.

Okay look, that's beside the point, okay.

That's not how you do things.

Mrs. Stallworth, this is some of the best

food I've ever eaten.

Oh well, thank you.

Do you think you could cater my niece's

Sweet 16 on Saturday?

My current caterer got food poisoning.

I'm tellin' you one thing, that is the last time I'm using Clown Catering.

- Well, absolutely. I would, I would love to. - Excellent.

Here is my business card.

I'm gonna go back and get another plate,

cause last time my stomach was growling so much,

- ...they called pet control on me. - Mm.

And Tony, I just want you to know,

my investors and I love family businesses that work together.

So, we are gonna get my attorney to draw up some papers,

and we will get this project started.

Thank you, Mr. Kavutskiy.

- My pleasure. This is great. - Thank you.

So...what do you think?

Soul Sisters caterin', huh?

Yep.

I think the family has a new business.

Mm hm. [Snickering]

[Instrumental Music]

Hey, you're lookin' busy.

Oh yeah, I just talked to Mr. Kavutskiy,

and I'm workin' on his order right now.

That is great, and you know what?

I'm sorry. You were right,

and I am in full support of your new business.

Anything I can do to help, you let me know.

Aw, thank you sweetie. I mean you've already done enough.

You got me my first gig.

- Alright. - M'wah!

Hello, fellow Stallworths.

I''m not interrupting your brown sugar am I?

Hey you know, we do got a little love jones goin'.

So now that I have my new catering business, it feels

like poetic justice.

Ooh I see what you did there.

Which brings me to why I asked you over, Viv.

- Uh huh. - I thought maybe we could help each other...

generate some stable income.

So, I was wondering if you'd be interested in partnering with me

in my new catering business?

- OMG! I'd be so happy to go into business with you! - Yeah?

[Gasping]

I knew you'd recognize my cooking skills one day.

I make a mean tater salad.

Mm. I bet it's pretty mean on them taste buds.

[Laughs] I have a really big gig coming up.

It's a Sweet 16. They're expecting about 20-30 guests.

Oh that's amazing. We better get cookin'.

Oh oh, so ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh, actually Viv...

I was thinking you know, you could help me stay organized.

Let me be the first to say,

congratulations ladies, on your new business.

[Viv chuckles]

And this one time, I bought some shoes from my dealer.

And I don't know what he laced 'em with, but I was trippin' all day.

- Yep, you gotta be more careful. - Dang.

- Hey everyone. - Woa, woa, woa.

Devin, are those the new Air Force None's?

We just be out there flossin'.

I bet you're gettin' all the fly hunnies wearin' those.

You see, I told you that's the first thing they lookin' at, man.

- Eh, you fly! - Nah, you fly.

- You fly! - Nah, you fly.

Alright, alright. Calm down, young jock strap and a Bruno Martian.

Devin, where did you get all this money from?

Oh I just sold some shoes,

But can we talk later? We just came to get ready for this

backyard barbecue party.

Alright then, my peeps.

Now don't get caught up in any thirst straps.

I heard it's a hot girl summer.

[Audience laughter]

No promises.

[Lisa smirks]

- [Tony] Lisa? - Yeah.

Them clothes look pretty expensive.

Right. I was thinkin' the same thing.

How do you think he got the extra cash?

I don't know. It better not be anything illegal.

Huh? Devin wouldn't do anything. He's a nice, young man.

So was Ted Bundy.

[Audience laughter]

I'll have a talk with him later.

[Instrumental Music]

Hey, Lisa.

Oh you look exhausted.

Oh yeah. You know I've been cookin' all day long and

a I'm tired!

You know I'm so tired, my tired is tired.

Well I've been thinking and I came up with a

few menu items that I think would really help us take our catering

company to the next level.

Oh, wow. I like your dedication, Viv.

What'd you come up with?

Well so first, I was thinking

um a cranberry macaroni and cheese would be a

great addition to the menu.

Then maybe even a pumpkin spice fried chicken,

and how about like a kumquat taco?

Okay so Vivian, um yeah

I was thinking that you could stick to maybe more of the advertising,

the accounting, marketing, business aspects

of the business.

Well, I was hoping to be more hands-on with the cooking.

I don't mean to brag but I won

prison chef of the year three years in a row.

You just haven't lived until you've had prison pot pie.

[Audience laughter]

Yeah Viv, right now you'll just be more beneficial on the business side.

[Audience laughter]

Okay...so um, is there anything you need me to take care of right now?

Um well, I was thinking

about buying this expensive, high-powered juicer.

Hm, well let's check it out online...

- ...and see how much it costs. - Oh yeah, no I actually...

already have it pulled up right here.

Whew. Aw, that is expensive.

But it's nice though.

A yeah. Yeah, yeah. You're right. Right.

I can't afford that now.

[Deep inhale] Okay you know, I'll just manage without it.

You ready for this sweet 16 party?

Is prison meat greasy?

[Audience laughter]

Alrighty then.

Okay, got it?

Yep.

Alright.

- [Indistinct] - [Lisa] Okay, you got it.

Better get that door though.

Oh yeah, that's gonna be interesting.

We got it. We got it.

Alright, oop, yep.

[Lisa] Probably not a good idea.

[Audience laughter]

[Typing]

[Audience laughter]

[Music stings out]

[Instrumental Music] Okay, okay, a how many of those pairs of them you got?

Okay, yeah. I'm-- I'm a need me 5

of those at least, in every color.

Yep, yep. Um a...

you know what? I'm feelin' real generous today.

How about you get yourself a pair too?

Alright. Okay, bye.

Hm...dude.

A new credit card!

Every $500 I spend, I get new puppy points?

[Audience laughter]

We gettin' a puppy?

No, but my dad told me never turn down anything for free.

What are you doing here?

Oh well, I brought you some free food.

Where is food free?

Anywhere they accept my mama's credit card.

Boy, that is not free.

Free for us.

It's all plastic anyways, man. She won't even know.

Besides man, we gotta get to the mall.

[Phone ringing]

Yes, yes. A I would like

the Bazooka Blender 9000.

Is it true that they can really cut through bone?

Mm, and I saw that you guys have

a Kruger blades as an accessory?

Also, how fast can you get that here?

Hey hey, a get 2.

We can sell one on Gbay and get the cash.

[Audience laughter]

Okay, okay. Thanks Freddie.

Yeah, yeah. My mom's gonna love this.

You're the goat.

Thank you.

You're gettin' your mama a goat too?

[Audience laughter] No...ah, never mind.

What's so important at the mall?

The new Jane Jumper just came out, man.

We need to cop that for this weekend.

Now you know my dad is not gonna let me

wear no [Indistinct].

[Audience laughter]

But...if we're not gettin' the jumpers then

what's the next move?

A just came out with the new Jesus Walkers.

My bro, we'll be the new kings of the block.

We better hurry up and get there before that line gets too long.

and they close the gates.

Oh don't even worry about it.

I got a spot where we can go through the wire and go

straight to the front door.

[Audience laughter]

Isn't your dad gonna trip when he sees those new shoes?

He can't tell me nothin'.

I'm grown.

[Tony yelling] Devin, get up here!

Coming, Dad.

[Audience laughter] I thought you were grown?

I'm grown, not stupid.

[Audience laughter] [Music stings out]

[Instrumental Music]

[Video-game sounds effects]

What's goin' on there?

Hey Dad, you just gettin' home from work?

Mm hm. What's all this?

All what?

You know what all what?

It looks like a damn pawn shop in here.

A you got five seconds to explain

to explain yourself. Two...

- You said five. - One!

Okay...but before I explain,

I wanted to give you this gift.

[Audience laughter]

I'm not doin' anything illegal.

I ain't harborin' no fugitives in here, boy.

It's not even like that, Dad.

I got a little extra money from the shoes I

sold and I thought, who better to spend my money on?

[Audience laughter]

Oaaah, are these the new-- with the ah--

okay! Okay!

Hey man, it ain't even my birthday. Hey,

- ...thank you, son. - It was the least I could do.

Ah you shouldn't have, man. And you know what,

I'm sorry for thinkin' the worst.

Besides, I value my freedom

way too much.

And I just got a date with Sharane.

Sharane, Sharane?

- Yep. - You know her mama used to be thicker than a Snicka.

[Audience laughter]

- Well, it runs in the family, pops. - Mmm!

And milk does the body good.

I know that's right. [Laughter]

[Instrumental Music]

- Wow...woa. - Ooh.

- Whew!... - Oh my God.

what a night!

- Mm. - Hoof.

Last time I partied that hard, I woke up next

to a moose in Modesto.

[Laughter]

Well you know, at least we got another gig out of it.

Oh that's true.

What was that?

[Exhales] What's what?

Hold on.

What?

For a very special person.

Congrats on your first gig.

Oah, what is it?

I don't know. It must be from Tony.

Oh my gosh. It's the juicer!

that I mentioned.

How'd he know?

Aw.

Hey babe. Hey Viv.

Hey. You know what, I gotta go. I'll catch you guys tomorrow.

If I don't leave now I might become a permanent fixture

and Tony might start charging me rent.

You're damn right.

Thanks Viv. Bye.

So how'd everything go today?

Oh everything went great.

Hm, that's what I like to hear.

And thank you baby, for my juicer.

How'd you know?

What are you talkin' about? I didn't buy you a juicer.

Well now, if you didn't buy it,

who bought it?

[Scoffs] I think I have a pretty good idea who.

[Audience laughter]

[Phone vibrates]

Hello.

Yes, this is Tony Stallworth.

Unusually high activity on my credit card?

[Audience laughter]

No, I a do not have an account with you.

I'll get to the bottom of this. Thank you for calling.

Who was that, Tony?

That was the bank.

I think my belt's about to make a deposit.

[Audience laughter]

[Instrumental Music]

Devin, get your ass down here, boy.

Tony, don't hurt him.

The last thing I wanna do is hurt him, but it's definitely on my to do list.

Devin, I need you to tell us the truth.

Where did you get this money from?

I got a credit card.

Credit card? I thought you said you got the money from sellin' shoes.

I did, but I also used a credit card.

How did you plan on payin' the money back?

See I was gonna use the shoe money

to pay off the credit card, but

things kinda just got our of hand

Devin, a lot of these

credit card companies

pray on college students!

Mm hm. See this is exactly why I didn't want to get you a credit card

in the first place.

I knew you weren't responsible enough.

But Dad, It's basically like free cash.

Nobody really cares about it.

You think they don't really care about it?

Try missing a payment.

Your credit will get so bad,

you'll have to take a house loan out, and put it in your kid's name.

Is this house under my name? Because under

- ...my roof-- - Knock if off, boy!

[Audience laughter]

Now I got a belt which your name on it. Keep it up.

But the payments are really low.

Devin, you have to read the fine print.

Yeah. See what they don't tell you is that because of the interest,

you'll wind up paying twice as much for whatever you buy.

Hm. So instead of paying

$200 I'd be like paying $150?

[Audience laughter]

A yeah, or more.

Okay, so that could like add up to $100 in no time.

[Audience laughter]

Just keep talkin' son. One day you'll say somethin' smart.

Exactly what I was thinkin'.

[Audience laughter]

Look Devin, bottom line, you're gonna have to return all the stuff you bought,

and get a refund.

So do you think I could get a loan from the

bank to pay off the credit card,

and I can keep everything?

Son, the bank will only give you a loan

if you can prove that you don't need it.

Well what about the stuff that's been used?

Okay son, consider this your first lesson of manhood.

You're gonna have to just return what you can,

and then get a job to pay off the rest of the debt.

So Dad, a you think you can

let me borrow $6,000?

$6,000?!

Boy you better leave now cause you're livin' on borrowed time.

[Audience laughter]

[Footsteps departing]

Maybe he'll learn his lesson soon.

Oh he'll figure it out.

I mean it's amazing.

You spend the first 2 years of their life

teachin' them how to walk and talk,

and the next 20 years of their life, tellin' them to sit down and shut up.

[Audience laughter]

- [Devin] Dad? - Shut up!

[Music stings out]

[Instrumental Music]

Chuh!

Huzzah!

[Grunting]

That's called the kinky toe technique.

If you do that to the kinky toe,

it'll drop right off a man's body.

Alright.

And it's also great for self-defense.

You see this? This is a great tablet.

It might beat you in chess,

but it don't got a thing on you in karate.

I think you just filled my criteria.

But the megapixels look

a little choppy!

Hmm. [Audience laughter]

Well, I'll throw in that case for you.

[Audience laughter]

Okay.

[Audience laughter]

Good job, son.

You're a natural salesman, just like your old man.

You know, that thought did cross my mind.

A thought crossed your mind?

It must have been a long and lonely journey.

Yeah, it took a little time but

I'm startin' to have fun with this whole sellin' thing.

Mm, I'm glad you figured it out, son.

Hey, what about your jacuzzi?

I'll give you a couple hundred bucks for it.

Boy, you sell my jacuzzi, I'll drown you in it.

[Audience laughter]

- Sold! - Boy--

- [Grunting] - Woa, you know what?

I don't really like the jacuzzi that much anyway.

[Audience laughter] [Music stings out]