Original subtitles

[Instrumental Music]

Aww, look at the little itty witty

wittle waby baby.

[Laughter] What are you lookin' at? Puppy photos again?

No. Your cousin Warren posted a picture of his new little baby.

Ah, I can't believe he had a kid.

Ah, when we grew up that was simpler

times. You get a PB&J,

glass of Quick, and go outside and play until the street lights came on.

Mm hm.

A now a days these kids man, they just so caught up in their cell phones,

you can't have a decent conversation with 'em.

You know what I mean? You can't...

- ...talk to 'em. - [Laughter]

- Lisa? - [Laughter] Huh? You say somethin'?

No, nothin' at all.

[Audience laughter]

Oh ha hao. He's so cute.

[Audience laughter]

* Woke up and my wife said to me

* The bill collectors want thei fees

* The kids keep talkin' back to me

* Family Time

* Family Time. Family Time. Family Time.

* Woa woa woa woa. Yeah eah eah

[Instrumental Hip-Hop Music]

Hey.

Tony, a I need to ask you somethin'.

Let me tell you somethin'.

You keep walkin' around in them twerkout pants,

I'm about to find out how flexible you really are.

[Laughs] Oh Tony, I'm bein' serious.

Uh oh. Last time you rubbed my ears like that,

I ended up with a ding in my credit report.

What's up?

I want another baby.

A baby what?

Baby dolls or baby back ribs?

Nah Tony, like a, a little person. A little human.

Oh baby, Lisa, really?

A wha eh luh luh luh look, why have another baby,

when for the price of another baby,

we can have Moonbucks twice a year for the next 89 years,

minus the stretch marks.

Tony, come on.

Don't you miss when our babies were babies!?

Nope.

[Audience laughter]

When Devi-poo was our little chocolate Michelin Man?

Oh my goodness, and those little fleshy little balloon-like

pudgy cheeks. Oh and those rolls.

- Ah I mean, they're like little milk traps. - The rolls.

Yeah, yeah, those were the days.

- Those were-- - Yeah and Ebony, our little Coco Princess.

- Mm. - How she would just randomly let out...

those ear-splitting yelps of joy.

[Audience laughter]

Oh, like a little tsunami of happiness.

Yeah, don't forget those sleepless nights when she would practice her

five-octave range like Mariah Carey at 3:30 in the mornin'.

Yeah-ah, I miss that!

- You miss that? - Yes.

When what is in that CBD oil?

Okay look, yes babies are are cuddly and

warm and all that, but come on now. Let's be real.

You really wanna run the risk of havin' another Devin?

Tony.

I get it.

Where are the hidden cameras? Huh?

Must be a joke. [Doorbell rings]

That better be Ashton Kutcher.

[Audience laughter]

[Ringing continues]

Hey guys.

Why ring the doorbell if you just gonna walk right in anyway?

Oh I thought ya'll just got excited when they heard the doorbell.

Okay, see let's not start.

Please let's not start. I'm tryin' to get to my happy place.

As a matter of fact, why don't you two say somethin' nice to each other

for once.

What do I gotta be nice for?

Because you're gonna want me to be nice later.

Good point.

[Audience laughter]

Ah Rachel, whatever you're here to ask for,

it might not hurt to be nice before you ask for it.

[Audience laughter]

Fine.

Tony?

Okay, Rachel...

your

skin looks less dry.

yeh in fact, it looks rather healthy.

Thanks Tony. Water...

I've been drinkin' and usin' a lot of alkaline water lately.

And you, your...

your breath. Your breath doesn't smell so bad today.

You know I've been brushin' with this new toothpaste and

flossin' a lot more so

- ...it probably helps. - Yeh. yeah. See...

that really wasn't so hard, was it?

- No. - Let's shake hands.

I ain't touchin' her.

- Don't push it. We try. - [Lisa] Alright.

Anyways, I need your help with Lori.

Hm, sounds like a job for a zookeeper.

Wha what's the problem? Her head can no longer

fit through the front door?

Just wait till you see.

[Heels clicking]

[Door creaks]

D'oh!

Bonjourno, my good people.

Oh hell, naw!

What did you buy up all the Fix-a-flats at the store?

Tony!

I'm with Tony on this one, Lisa.

She Looks like Cardi B Trippin'.

[Audience laughter]

A luh, what is that sayin'? If you ain't got nothin' good to say,

Don't say anything at all.

[Rachel] And I'm with him.

[Audience laughter]

[Instrumental Music]

[Lori laughs]

No, you guys should see your faces.

No, it's not real!

It's called prosthetic placeholders.

It's just to see what it looks and feels like,

just in case I wanna commit to the real deal.

Um newsflash,

none of that will ever be the real deal.

[Audience laughter]

It'll be real enough!

My milkshake bring all the boys

to the yard.

[Audience laughter]

You know what?

If my little phony wants to attract

some imitation man-bait, then you know

who are we to stop her? Let he live her life.

That's just it!

She might not have a life to live.

People die all the time from gettin' these stupid procedures done.

I'm serious, Lori.

Like plastic surgery is a serious matter.

And even if you do survive the surgery,

you know there's still a lot of health risk involved.

Yeah, did you at least do all your research before you went

shoppin' for silicone accessories?

[Audience laughter]

Now ladies, listen.

Lisa, I know you love me,

and you're more like a big sister to me than I am.

But, people die everyday.

Rachel, yes I did all my research

and my homework, and guess what?

People have elective surgery everyday too.

Successfully, might I ad.

Yeah but I mean come on, do you really need all of

you know, that?

[Laughter]

I mean let's look at it this way,

if she ever goes on a cruise and happens to fall overboard,

she'll already have a built-in, emergency, floatation device.

[Audience laughter]

No, ser--Lori, we

seriously want you to know. We need you to know.

-You're beautiful, inside and out. - Yeah.

- Aw. - And we're here for you if you need anything.

That's my honies.

Oah, you think I'm

beautiful. And this surgery's gonna be hard,

and you just said you'd help me with anything.

You did mean anything, right?

- Yeah, anything. - Of course.

Well I need your help in payin' for this surgery.

Honey, this thing is expensive.

Hold the hell up!

Your little Dr. Fakenstein ass

is tryin' to get us to pay for your body renovations?

- Heifer, hold up! - Yeah, we we said...

anything, okay but

can't do that.

That we cannot do. How much does this cost anyway?

Okay well...when I add in the subtractions,

and the subtractions of the add-ins,

and throw the stuff in,

it's approximately

$15,000!

Ooh!

Plus, my surgeon friend says that he

will give me the first time hookup.

[Lisa and Rachel] First time hookup?

Yeah.

I pay regular price for my lips,

then I pay for my left breast.

My right breast, he gives me 2 for 1,

and throws in my butt, half-ass off.

That way...

I stay within my budget.

[Audience laughter]

Listen ladies,

I know

that you have concerns,

and I respect that.

So...

maybe it'll help if I

call up my doctor and have him come over so he can

explain everything about the procedure to you?

I guess.

You just gotta be careful with doctors nowadays.

I once had a doctor put me under anesthesia.

[Audience laughter]

What's so strange about that?

When I woke up, my wallet was gone.

[Audience laughter] [Music stings out]

[Instrumental Music]

I'm not gonna warn you again, Donnie.

You say it one more time, I'm gonna have to pull out my straight razor.

Look man, all I'm sayin'

is if Dr. King would've joined the Black Panthers,

he woulda easily been the King of Wakanda!

Ain't no way in the world Dr. King

woulda ever joined no Black Panthers!

He was a religious man.

He woulda clearly became a member of The Disciples!

What are y'all two lyin' about now?

- He's a liar! - No, he's a liar.

Okay, okay, okay. You're like two kids, man.

Speakin' of kids, dig this.

Lisa...wants another baby.

With who?

Your mama.

Naw, too old.

Rodney's mama so old, she used to babysit Morgan Freeman.

Oh so you think that's funny, huh?

I'm a cut you. I'm a cut. You think I'm playin'?

That's alright. I'll get him on the next cut.

Shave him up like Sherman Hemsley.

[Audience laughter]

Hey bud. Sound like your girl, Lisa, got the baby

fever, man.

Yeah, man. And I am way too old to be startin' over.

Come on, dog. Age ain't nothin' but a number.

My mama had me when she was 70 years old.

- Say what? - That's right. Changed me and my daddy...

at the same.

[Audience laughter]

Hey...I know what you need to do.

- Hm? - One word.

Babysit.

- Hm. Oh I see what you're gettin' at. - Mm hm.

If I get Lisa to babysit a newborn,

all that cryin' and fussin',

she'll be over her baby fever in no time.

[Laughter] Rodney, you a genius.

Tell me somethin' I don't know!

You could use a breath mint.

[Audience laughter]

Or two. As a matter of fact, I got a pack

- ...in here. - Uh mm.

- Oh yeah. - Ooh.

Get it. You can chew on the plastic too. Sometimes that helps.

Why didn't you say somethin'?

- I just did. - Mm mm.

[Audience laughter]

[Instrumental Music]

[Doorbell rings]

Oh I think that's my surprise for you.

Oah, I like surprises.

Surprise!

It's a baby!

- Oh ho hoa! - What's up, Lisa?

Hey, uh oh.

- [Yawn] - Hey Warren, you alright?

You look a little...

- Tired. - Yeah.

- Hi, Lisa. - Mm, real tired.

What wha a the baby been keepin' you up, man?

Man, as a matter of fact, yes.

Yeah, me and the wife can't thank y'all enough, man.

- Ah well come sit down, brotha. - Aw, yes.

Thanks, man. I need to sit down.

Yeah.

- [Baby coos] - [Warren sighs]

Man, the other day, man,

I poured dish soap in my waffles

and thought it was syrup.

- Mm. - I still got the bubble guts.

[Audience laughter]

Eh well listen, me and Lisa

do not mind watchin' the baby for a night.

- No problem. - Yep, now that are kids are all...

off to college, you know the nest is empty so

whenever you guys wanna drop baby O off,

please feel...free.

- Mm hm. - Oh woa, would you look at the time?

Hey, give her that. Give her that.

Oah. Aw, let me get that baby. - Let's get you on...

- Get that baby. - ...outa here, man.

There's only 24 hours in a day. You don't wanna waste 'em

hangin' out over here, man.

- Don't hold your breath, bruh. - You know what, you right.

- Mm hm. - You right.

Look, me and the Mrs.,

we got sleep reservations, man,

and we can't miss our appointment for nobody so

- ...I'm outa here, man. - Alright.

Hey hey,

[Baby coos]

- thanks, man. - Alright.

[Audience laughter]

[Lisa] Oh ho hoa.

[Baby cries]

Uh, oh ho hoa, the door startled him.

[Crying continues] Hush little baby,

don't you cry.

Not workin'.

Okay. Alright, well maybe he's wet.

You knows? A mis-- no no

[Indistinct] means he's dry.

Hey hey, maybe he's hungry. You know how you get when you hungry.

Shut up, Tony.

There you go, little thing.

Okay, no. No, that's not it.

Not takin' the bottle.

Oh my goodness. Here Tony, you try.

[Crying continues] - Baby...

- ...you go get the baby. - I...yes.

- Aw. - Huh.

[Crying stops] - Oh my God, he likes us, Tony!

Okay, give him back.

Give him back. Give him back.

[Baby cries]

You know what, maybe he just needs to warm up to you.

I'm a I'm a leave you alone. Let you guys gets a little

alone time. I'll be right back.

No, Tony. I don't think that's a good idea.

No no no, it's fine. It's fine. I need to stop by the office anyway.

If you need me, call me. Alright, I'll see ya.

Bye bye. Out!

[Crying intensifies]

He meant me, baby. Not you.

Aw, don't cry.

[Instrumental Music]

What up, Rodney?

Donnie, what's happenin'?

[Audience laughter]

Donnie, what are you doin'?

Dammit man, don't you see I'm tryin' to get this

- ...money! - Ah ha, yeah!

Pay up. Thanks, Tone.

Thanks for what?

We were just having a $5.00 contest to see who could

shut the hell up for the longest, and I lost.

Can I borrow $5.00?

[Audience laughter]

You know what? I'm in a good mood,

so I'm feeling generous.

What you need, $5.00?

- Here you go. Right there. - Thanks, man.

- Yeah. - Here you go, Rodney.

My man. And a I need the money for the

line up the edge up.

Oh yeah. Forgot about that.

What the?

[Audience laughter]

That's for rent. That's for the club.

For the guns. Ah okay, you got change for a 100?

Nope, but I'll put that on your tab.

Heh, my man.

Look if you got all that cash, why'd you need $5.00 from me?

Cause it's your fault that I lost.

Okay, alright. Well how about that money you owe me then?

- That I owe you? - Mm hm.

Naw, man. That's why they say, I owe you.

Listen, what I'm tryin' to tell y'all is it's about the kids, okay.

Now when you talk about everything I taught you guys in a

second. You a cute little button.

That's your boy.

Hey man, what happened with Lisa anyway? What's up?

Oh man, it is going great.

She is having like probably the worst time ever

with that little baby.

- Cryin' and cryin' and cryin'. - Told ya!

- He's probably still cryin'. Poor little thing. - What? [Laughter]

You know.

Aw, man. Oh what I'm--

[Phone vibrates] - Oh hold on. That's probably Lisa.

That's her right now.

She's probably like, get this baby outa here!

- Right right right. - Shhh.

Hello.

Yeah.

Say what?

Oh oh oh oh, okay. Alright.

Yes, ah alright. Alright, bye.

Well that backfired.

Apparently the baby warmed up to her,

and now she's havin' the time of her life.

Talkin' bout, bring some diapers on the way home.

Any more bright ideas?

Look Tone, it takes two to tango, man.

You got to stay off the dance floor. I mean no

dirty dancin'!

[Audience laughter]

[Music stings out]

[Instrumental Music]

- Ooh. - Knock knock....

Hey Lori. Hey Lise.

Okay, so the idea is to actually knock

before you enter someone's hous unannounced?

I did announce it when I said,

"knock knock."

Let me hold the wittle wittle precious--

Oh wait, wait. No, no get

baby throw up all on the clothes I just loaned you.

No, nuh uh.

Oh and please

- ...burn that hot pink suit. - Mm.

Let me see your children, oah.

Ooh, that's a good

boy. Oh woa woa.

Ooh, you precious hump.

Uh mm, that baby screamin'.

He must be allergic to fake silicone.

[Audience laughter] [Baby fusses]

I got him here. Oah.

Ah, look like he allergic to fake hair, too.

[Baby cries] - See, ya'll are really makin' it

worse. Now I gotta calm him down again.

Oah.

[Lori] Oh my...

girl you are a natural!

I see why you got baby fever.

[Audience laughter]

Even the baby prefers organic.

How do you know? You speak baby?

Just watch. You know everybody likes real boobs.

- How do you know? - Oh really. - Stop!

- These are milkin' boobs. - No.

- Milk is milk. - I mean how?

- I'm gonna go put the baby away? - How?

- A cow's got milk and cows... - How?

sometimes don't even have--

I'll pop the air outa those.

[Doorbell rings]

Hush. Be good.

Don't you embarrass me.

This a real doctor.

[Audience laughter]

[Door creaks]

- Oh hello, Dr. Wade. - Hello there.

Come on in.

I'm glad you came.

I'd like you to meet my sister, Rachel.

Nice to meet you.

What up, doc?

[Audience laughter]

This is fine work, I must say.

[Audience laughter]

You know I'm surprised you want me when obviously your sister

has got someone that does work just as good as I do.

[Audience laughter]

No, doctor oblivious.

This here all me.

Mm, really?

Yes, really.

And it's a good thing you're a doctor so that broken arm

will heal just perfectly.

I don't have a broken arm.

Yet.

[Lori laugh]

Just stay on this side.

Oh okay, I thought I heard the doorbell.

Looks like we have a guest.

- I am Lisa - Hello.

I'm I'm Lori's sister.

You must be her doctor.

I am, Doctor Wade. It's nice to meet you.

Yeah, yeah, likewise. Um...

so we have a ton of questions.

I I really I, I don't know where to start.

I'm not sure.

Excellent. Well I'm here to help.

So a basically the surgery is very easy.

Very simple, but the recovery can last up to 2 to 6 months.

[Lori squeals] Wait, hold up.

I thought you said recover time

was 2 to 6 weeks.

Well that would be the case,

if you didn't get the hookup.

[Audience laughter]

Because of your budget, I'm gonna have to use discount silicone.

Discount?

Well, to ensure I find the most affordable

aftermarket prices.

Aftermarket?

Oh heh-heh-hell to the naw, doctor!

You ain't gonna have

me up on the next episode

of Fudged Up, lookin' like Willie Lump Lump.

[Audience laughter]

Yeah doctor, the way I see it, you got two choices.

One, you can get the hell up out my sister's house,

or two, me and my sister's will make

good on that promise

to break your arm.

No no no no no.

[Audience laughter]

[Lori sighs]

Well ladies,

you guys were really about to

go in on Doctor Play-school for me!

[Audience laughter]

I took my earrings off.

Lori, we are your sisters. We love you.

Okay?

[Audience aww's]

Cause you're perfect just the way you are.

Besides, you know black don't crack.

Yeah, but it stretches, flabs,

and sags.

Aw...it's okay, sis.

[Lori laughs]

[Instrumental Music]

Hello. Yeah, you can come pick up your little man.

I know it's only been a couple hours but

the plan backfired.

[Audience laughter]

Ah I know. I know. Okay.

I'll see ya in a little bit.

I'll fix this door one day.

Lisa! Lisa.

- Lisa! - Shhh.

I just put the baby down.

Whew! Can't wait to tell you about my day though.

- Hm. - After burpin' and bathin' and

baby proofin' the house,

I a you know I just I was exhausted. I need to take a nap.

You did all that today?

[Doorbell rings]

- I'll be right back. - Okay.

Well damn, cousin. That was fast.

Man, I couldn't get here fast enough, man.

Shuh, my girl started givin' me them baby-makin' eyes.

[Audience laughter]

I'm like, no mas!

[Audience laughter]

Oh so you just left her there?

And I thought we supposed to be catchin' up on sleep.

Apparently she wanted to catch up on somethin' else.

[Audience laughter]

Bro, I had to get outa there before she tried to make baby number 2.

There go my little plan b.

[Audience laughter]

Hey listen, y'all. Thank y'all...

but no thank you.

Alright.

Alright. Oh, okay.

[Laughter]

Alright. Did I a, did I miss somethin'?

No, but...I did.

Aw, what was that for?

That was for me not being sensitive

and not listening to your feelings.

For that, I'm sorry.

[Audience aww's]

Mm-wah.

- What was that for? - That was for lettin' me be a new mom...

for a few hours.

But I gotta admit, I'm exhausted.

I forgot how tiring

havin' a baby can be.

Well good. I'm glad we a agree on that

because I was not ready to start over.

Yeah?

Yeah but I'm I'm I'm really kind of used to

bein' a caretaker, Tony. I just

I don't know what to do with myself without bein' a full time mom.

Baby, I'm sure

you will find somethin' to do with your free time.

Just know

if you really want somethin' to do,

I I can...okay, she's asleep already.

[Audience laughter]

[Music stings out]

[Instrumental Music]

Good mornin', sweetheart.

Hey.

- Mm. Hey a, did you eat breakfast yet? - Mm-wah.

Cause I was thinkin' about makin' my famous

Tony's Benedict.

Sounds good.

Hm, where'd you put my a secret hot sauce that I like?

Oh a in the top shelf.

- The top of this one? - Yeah. Yeah.

[Thumping] [Audience laughter]

A did you a baby proof this or what?

Mm hm.

Ah I'm not even gonna ask why you would baby-proof this

high-ass. What baby we be watchin,

a Yao Ming's?

[Audience laughter]

[Thumping continues] - Is it, is it a lock or...

Whew! I a...

I'll get it. You could a been an engineer

- ...to open it. - My bad.

That ain't gettin' open. I'm about to go get some tools or somethin'.

[Audience laughter]

What the hell?

[Audience laughter]

The bread is in the pantry, so you want me to cook breakfast?

[Audience laughter]

Nah, nah nah nah. I'm just now over it.

Let's just go to Sizzle Hut.

- You can bring your book. - Yeah, I am.

- Who wrote that? - Oh, Stacey Evans Morgan.