Original subtitles

[Instrumental Music]

Aow, Lisa. You've got our kitchen smellin' and lookin' like

The International House of Waffles.

Now th is a breakfast fit for a king!

Ah ah ah...put that back, Tony.

This breakfast is for our superstar princess.

I don't you don't expect us to sit here and watch while she eats all this for herself.

No, but I want her to see the presentation first.

Alright.

Woa, Mom! Wait a minute...

Dad musta upgraded your room.

Ah no, this is an amazing breakfast

for an amazing college-bound child. I prepared

all your favorites,

as you can see.

[Tony chuckles] You're the best, Mom.

Yah ah ah, put that sausage down, boy.

She said amazing, not academically-challenged child.

That's cold, Dad. You know I got my genes from you.

Yeah I got a belt in these jeans too. Keep it up.

Tony, both of our children are amazing...okay.

See. Why thank you, Mom.

Okay, Devin. Put that sausage back, like right now.

Okay? this is for our special soon-to-be college freshman.

Oah...thanks, Mom. But seriously, it's not a big deal.

I'm only moovin' across the freeway, not across the country.

Yeah, but I just wanted to do somethin' to show you how special you are,

and how proud of you we are.

And even though you're only an hour away just remember you will always

- ...be... - I know, Dad. I know.

our little girl.

[Lisa laughs] Well, shouldn't we both...

be gettin' the special treatment. I mean I am goin' back to school

and a brotha is hungry.

Ah ah ah ah, drop it, Prince of Probation.

[Audience laughter]

Now you already got the royal treatment when we sent you off to school the first time.

And speakin' of which, your future student loans are comin' out of your allowance.

Now let's eat.

[Audience laughter]

Suddenly, I've lost my appetite.

That's cool. Let me get his plate.

[Theme Music]

* Woke up and my wife said to me *

* the bill collectors want their fees *

* the kids keep talkin' back to me *

* Family Time

* Family Time. Family Time

* Family Time. Waa aah woa oah oah oah yeah *

[Instrumental Music]

Oh, Lisa...

Can you believe our baby's about to be a college girl?

No. And if I think about it too much I'm gonna start crying...

again.

[Lisa sulking]

Well, since I'm not about that...

havin' a kid life...thank you, sis.

For what?

For savin' me the stretch marks

by havin' the daughter that I didn't have to give birth to.

Crowd favorite auntie right here.

Girl, bye!

I am the favorite auntie.

And recently, I've been contemplating

having my eggs frozen.

[Scoffs]

[Audience laughter]

To give Ebony and Devin a cute little bi-racial

first cousin one day.

Mm'kay. No offense Lori,

but a you shoulda started thinkin' about your little

biological clock when you were younger.

- Eh, huh? - Yeah, cause your geriatric eggs...

will make your baby come out lookin' like Morgan Freeman.

[Audience laughter]

Well your baby will come out wearin' a rainbow tattoo

a "wife beater" and Dickies.

Ooh a little stud. I like that.

Cute! Hah.

Anyway ladies, I'm here to tell you

40's is the new 30's.

And I can still be a mom.

[Scoffs]

Ooh I foolin'. I ain't birthin' no babies.

I am perfectly happy being favorite auntie

to your grown chil-rens.

I'm favorite auntie.

But, bein' able to pick up and go

is how this favorite auntie likes to roll.

Oh-kay. Well...

[Lisa Laughs]

Well...I have a College Send Off Party to prepare so I'm gonna need you

favorite aunties to help me.

[Both sigh] Oh!

I just glued on my press-ons.

- Really? - Yeah, and I'm really not about that choppin',

dicin' and slicin' life.

Okay, so why are you here, really?

Oh that's easy, cause roaches don't die. They multiply.

Hush, you big stink bug.

Yeah.

Please.

Oah, it's--

[Grunting]

What's up, ladies?

- Hey, Tone. - I'm afraid to ask.

Deh did you get the drinks for the party tomorrow?

Better. I got this keg for a steal.

Which is probably code for, he stole it.

[Lori] Probably.

Yeah Donnie, this is not a college frat party. And I'm not serving

beer to a bunch of kids. No.

You had one job man, you're fired!

Hey hey, hold up now. This keg is for the grown folks.

Now when y'all asked me to bartend,

You said that I could serve the kids the choice between water

and punch.

All I need from y'all is the punch.

[Audience laughter]

I'm about to punch you in the throat.

Fine. I don't want to be the bartender anyway, but

there's some single mamas roll up in through here.

I'm a be the bouncer at the door.

And everybody's gettin' frisked.

[Instrumental Music]

Your mom is so sweet for throwing you guys a going away party.

Oh, the party's for Ebony.

I had my going away party 2 years ago.

Yeah, it's sweet but I'm kinda nervous.

Why, you don't think Davion's gonna show up?

Girl, you know he's still feelin' you.

Hell, no. I'm not nervous about that. I'm nervous about goin' to college.

You have every reason to be.

[In unison] Why?

You gonna gain that freshman 15.

What's that?

In college, you won't have mom there to make you eat your fruits and vegetables.

Eatin' pizza and ramen while studyin',

oh yeah, you gonna gain them pounds.

15? Shoot, my sister gained 25

so I gained all her cute clothes she couldn't fit in anymore.

Eow!

Well I'm not worried about that. What if I don't like my roommate?

Then it'll be pure hell,

and don't let your roommate wanna pledge your sorority, you'll have

people knockin' at your door all hours of the night.

And they won't care that you got an early mornin' exam.

It's like that?

Yeah, and don't even get me started on the stealin' that happens in dorm life.

[Audience laughter] What?

Yeah. Lock your stuff up, including your snacks.

Them thieves be stealin' like it's a sport.

Well, what if I can't maintain my GPA? I mean I don't wanna get

put on academic probation, no offense.

None taken. It is what it is.

Ebony, you're gonna be fine, girl. And look, I'll be visiting you regularly

scoping out the cute guys and just going to all the parties with you,

girl it's gonna be lit!

Wait Alyssa, how are you gonna be visitin' me when you're supposed to be

goin' to Tubman College.

So about that, I have decided to defer my enrollment date for school

so I can pursue my real passion.

Oh you wanna study abroad first?

No, girl. I wanna be a Laker Girl.

Um Alyssa, do your parents

know about your new little plan?

Technically, no. But I already know my dad's gonna freak out.

Ya think?

Yeah, he's a Clippers fan.

[Audience laughter]

Aren't we all?

Oh girl, no. You're gonna need more than a prayer.

Facts.

[Instrumental Music]

Yeah, I understand. Just don't do anything until I get there.

[Organ Music fades out]

Hey, Dad.

How's it goin', son?

Good. You got a minute to talk?

Gotta make it quick. I have an emergency at one of my

properties and I gotta meet my construction team, ASAP.

I understand, it's just with all the preparation of Ebony goin' off to college, I'm feelin'

- a little le-- [Doorbell rings] - Oh, could you get...

the door please?

- Hey, Aunt Viv. - Hey. Hey, guys.

Hey, Viv.

So a Devin, are you excited for your sister?

Ah yeah, I'm also excited about--

Hey, guys. We are off to Bed, Bath, and Emporium to do some shoppin'

for Miss Ebony's dorm room.

Yeah, you know what? I'm gonna show you some simple decorating tips

that will make your small space feel like home away from home.

Yeah. Florence night-in-jail knows what she's talkin' about.

I'm tryin' to decide if I wanna go with teal green and peach

or red and black for my color scheme.

What do you think, Devin?

- Ah...I-- - You can send him pictures from the store,

we've gotta go so we can get all the good stuff before it's gone.

And just make sure all my money's not gone.

Your money? It hasn't been your money since we got married.

[Audience laughter]

Mm.

You know I'm actually going with them Tony, because I get a good discount

through my connections at the store.

Oh in that case baby, go ahead and splurge since it's on your Aunt Viv's dime.

Make sure she don't use the 5 finger discount.

What was that?

- He said make sure that you don't-- - Ah she uses all 5...

- fingers when she lifts for herself. - Alright, alright.

- I'll see y'all. - Let's go before your dad's

shoppin' for a new couch to sleep on.

Okay Devin, check your messages, cause I want your opinion.

Alright Devin, so what was it you wanted to talk about?

- Nah, it's all good. - Go ahead, son.

Okay well...with all the excitement of Ebony goin' off to school, I mean I'm just

feelin' a little left out.

Left out? What are you talkin' about?

She said she's gonna send you pictures from the store.

No, it's not that. I mean I'm about to leave soon too and I just

- ...feel like-- - Woa woa woa, hold that thought.

Hello...Yes! I'm already

in the car. What are you talkin' about? Relax.

- You don't hear the GPS. - [GPS] Turn left at the next light.

That is it!

Sorry, son. They think I'm in the car already, so I gotta get outa here.

- It's not a-- - We'll talk later, man. Love ya much.

[Choking up] How come he don't want me, man?

[Music stings out]

[Instrumental Music]

Yeah, yeah we are just so proud of our daughter.

We think she's narrowed it down to either

pre-med or bio-chemisty as her major so--

Well, she's narrowed it down to either pre-law or business

But hey she's so smart, she might go for that dual degree. And when she's old enough,

announce her run for president. A buh buh buh.

[Audience laughter]

I guess you could say that I planted a seed a long

time ago that sparked Ebony's thirst of knowledge.

Negro, please.

You ain't got to lie, Donnie.

Over here fakin' the funk with your funky butt in front of these women.

Ladies, please excuse these two hatin'-ass

battle axes.

Who do you think you are, Fred Sanford?

- Whoa! - [Rachel] You big dummy.

Battle axes?

Yes. Definition: a formidably aggressive

- older woman. That would be you, Weezy. - Ooh ooh!

Jo-Orge!

and you, Aunt Esther.

[Audience laughter]

You need to take your broke ass...

definition- you-

over there and stop those kids from checkin' out that

bootleg keg you have the audacity to bring to this party.

[Clears throat] Hey ladies, let's pick this conversation up another time.

Hey kids, get away from that keg, or that's yo ass!

[Audience laughter]

Trust me, you do not want him.

Over there lookin' like a thick palm tree.

[Audience laughter]

There he is. What's up, son. I was wonderin' where you at?

Oh I was just hangin' out with the homies, you know.

These are my friends. They just crossed into their fraternity.

Show 'em what that yard life like.

[Tony chuckles]

Theta eta theta...

[In unison] incorporated!

Whew!

Aah!

- Whew! [Cheers and applause]

Whew whew!

Yeah, we were just plannin' our cross-country road trip back to

- ...school. - Thats cool. That's cool.

Yeah, I just decided to stay out of the way around here since you was

a settin' up for a party.

Boy you ain't slick, you just didn't want to help.

Now listen, we can finish that conversation we had a little later, alright.

- Okay, Dad. - Alright, cool.

Good to meet y'all. Lisa, can I talk to you in the kitchen?

Ebony, come meet my friends.

Nice to meet you guys. Thanks for comin' to my party.

Ah and thanks guys, for showin' us how to stomp the yard ah heh

HU!

[In unison] You know!

[Lori] Oh, okay!

- We about to go grab some snacks. - Alright.

[Audience laughter]

And that one right there, is lookin' like a whole snack.

Okay girl, you crazy.

I know, Eb. But you know that was so cool, right?

I want to go to college.

I thought you were becomin' a Laker Girl?

Girl as I predicted, my parents lost it when I told

them I wanted to defer my enrollment.

Do you think it would've been better if you were cheerleader for the Clippers?

Ah hah, no. They threatened to cut off all financial support, and

ship me off to the Peace Corps if my butt wasn't on a college campus in the fall.

You know, well I was actually thinkin' about doing the deferment thing myself.

But you're my little A.P. homie.

My B.F.F. that never gets any F's.

Oh I know and getting good grades and

all that jazz and making my parents happy has always been my

thing but it's just time to figure out what I need to do with my life.

Well if it helps any, there are

plenty of successful people who have never been to college, or if they did they didn't finish.

Like the guys who created Twitter and Facebook,

billionaires.

- Bill Gates and Steve Jobs. - True.

- Mm hm. - Although we've only named white men.

Madam C.J. Walker was the first female black millionaire,

creating...products for curlier girls like us.

Girl, you right. Girl, you right. I always thought about being a social media influencer.

Right. And honestly girl, unless you're like tryin' to become a doctor or

lawyer, who needs college?

You're right. Thanks for the confirmation, Alyssa.

You know. But anyways girl,

I'm gonna go over there and get that.

I mean...

get a snack.

Oh my gosh.

[Instrumental Music]

Oaw.

Mmm...my baby.

Well what are you doin'?

Are you teary-eyed. What did Tony do?

No! I'm just...I'm just gettin' the cake ready.

Aw, it's so beautiful.

Yeah. I took one look and I almost got a little misty.

Ah oaw.

My babies are really growin' up.

I know. It's a trip.

I helped raise a scholar princess.

How, when you were raised by wolves?

Okay. You know what, Lori, she's right.

She's right, you know it takes a village.

- [Rachel] Thank you, sis. - You played...

an important role in Ebony's life, both of you.

You're so sweet.

- You really did. It's true. - Aw, you're gonna make me tear up, girl.

Yeah my eyeballs are...they are feelin' a little sweaty.

- Your armpits. Get over here. - Shut up....

Scary Poppins.

[Lisa] We did it, guys.

Lisa! Come on out the kitchen. Ebony's about to announce her major.

Bring The Breakfast Club wit cha,

Charlamagne the Bald and D.J. Wig Ending.

- Okay, alright. Let's just get it together. - [Lori] Okay.

- [Rachel] Alright. - Let's take this cake out there.

Can I have everyone's attention please?

So after careful thought...

at this time

I have decided that I'm not going to college.

[Multiple voices] What?!

Oh, Lord. Oh, baby, baby. Oh, shoot.

Oh, damn.

I'm sorry Mom and Dad. I just can't do this.

- Oah. - [Tony] Ebony?

[Instrumental Music]

[Instrumental Music]

Devin, did you know about this?

No, Dad. I swear. I I'll go talk to her.

Yeah, you go do that.

Ah so listen everybody, can I have your attention please?

Ah, get the hell out!

- Tony, come on. - Okay alright, I'm sorry. Ah thank you...

for coming. Seriously, but you gotta go. Bye.

Peace.

[Audience laughter]

[Lori] I ain't goin' nowhere.

Lisa, I bet you it was little Miss Megan no-good had somethin' to do with this.

Ah, y'all get the hell out too.

- Come on, chop, chop. - I ain't thinkin' about you, Tone.

[Rachel] Please.

[Instrumental Music]

She's not talkin'.

Oh she's about to start talkin' right now.

We'll take it from here, Devin.

Ebony Elise Stallworth...

what was that stunt you just pulled downstairs?

- Mom, Dad. - Oh, don't start with the sweet Mom, Dad stuff.

Let the girl talk, Tony.

I'm so sorry for embarrassing you in front of our guests.

I could care less about those guests. What is goin' on with you, sweetheart?

I don't think I'm ready for college.

- What? - Honey, you've done everything right...

academically to get you to this point.

Academically, yes. Emotionally...

mentally, no.

I'm actually interested in becoming a social media influencer and entrepreneur.

You mean entre-poor-neur.

What you gonna move to Portugal, drive a Porsche?

The, who who put you up to this?

That that that that that Alyssa girl?

- No, Dad. - Hm.

It's a lot of young people that are getting paid

for sharing their love for makeup and more clothes online.

Okay so let me get this straight. You want to pass up on college

so that you can sit at home all day

takin' selfies of yourself in cute clothes and hopin' somebody pays you for it?

It's more than that.

Oh my goodness Ebony, what is goin' on in that brilliant

had of yours?

Mmm...brilliant may be a bit strong.

[Audience laughter]

What is goin' on, baby girl?

I don't know. I guess

I was ready leave home and go to college and

I'm just nervous.

Honey, you were the one that had to remind me that you're not goin' that far.

Yeah, and if you get homesick, you can always come home for dinner and to wash your clothes.

I don't know. I guess I'm just afraid of failing and disappointing you like Devin.

Hey, failure is not in our DNA.

Right. And Devin might have had a minor setback, but he's no failure.

And you my dear will not fail either.

You know what, you two continue this conversation. I need to speak with Devin for a minute.

Oah.

So since you were ear hustlin', I take it you heard that conversation.

Yeah, I did.

Is this what you wanted to talk to me about yesterday, son?

I mean, just the part about bein' a disappointment to you and Mom.

See and here I thought you were just a

a little jealous because Ebony was gettin' all the attention.

I mean, I was a little jealous but

Ebony's my baby sister. I'm proud a her and this whole college thing.

You got this.

You think so?

I know so. Failure is not in our DNA.

[Chuckles] That's right.

As a matter of fact, I did want to share with you all that

since I was able to get my G.P.A. up my dean in

informed me that I'll be able to

restore my financial aid and graduate with my class.

- Now that's what I'm talkin' about. - [Lisa] Oah!

- Alright. I'm proud a you, son. - [Audience cheers and applauds]

We all are, baby.

Thank you. And I'm proud a my little sister,

who's about to be a college freshman

Ain't that right?

You mean, "isn't that right?" And yes, you right.

Whatever, brainiac.

You know, college is a privilege and we're both blessed to have

parents that can make it happen for us.

Mmm.

And we want you both to know that we're really proud of you.

Ah, even though Ebony almost gave us both heart attacks.

Well Lisa, looks like operation empty nest is still on schedule.

So, let's go downstairs and get some of that cake, yeah?

I love you guys.

- [Devin] Group hug? - [Tony] Alright.

- [Lisa] Oaw. [Music stings]

[Instrumental Music]

Okay. Come on you two, you're about to be late.

[Footsteps]

I cannot believe you're lettin' Ebony take all this stuff to school.

Yeah, well the idea is not to have to come back and repeat after the second

year, can't get right.

And girls have a lot of stuff.

Yes, girls need their stuff.

Come on Ebony, we need to get all your stuff to campus soon.

[Footsteps stomping]

Can't forget my favorite bear.

Didn't you already pack another teddy bear?

Yeah, this one's for my bookshelf. The other one's for my bed.

- Hmm. - Hey, I won you that bear at...

the Middle School Halloween Carnival.

- Yeah. - Oh that is so sweet.

You should name the Teddy bear, Devin.

Yeah no, Mom. That's corny.

[Devin] Ah...yeah.

I just cannot believe our little girl is flyin' the coup.

Flyin' the coup? this chick is just crossin' the road.

Ah.

[Audience laughter]

I'm the one headed back across the country.

Can I get an emotional send off?

You had your emotional send off 2 years ago.

You just get your butt in them books and make us proud.

- Alright?...Alright. - Will do, Dad.

Love you, Mom.

- Love you too, baby. - We love you too, son.

Well...the fellas are outside so, I guess I'll see you during Thanksgiving.

Well maybe sooner cause Alyssa wants to go to Howard's Homecoming.

That's what's up, well... [Ebony chuckles]

go show that school what you're made of and

Face-time me when you're all moved in.

[Choking up] I will, bro.

Alright. Let's get this show on the road.

Uh huh.

[Lisa] Yep yep yep.

Me first. [Lisa and Tony laugh]

Can't forget my Devin bear.

[Audience Aww's]

[Applause]

[Instrumental Music]