Original subtitles

[Club Music]

[Audience Laughs]

Devin, Ebony, turn the music down.

Save your breath Lisa, Debony can't hear you.

Oh! Hey mom, hey dad.

Hey nothin'! Turn that music down before my house value depreciates.

[Audience Laughs]

Got my house sounding like Magic City on a Tuesday.

N-not that I'd know.

You gonna scare away all of our good white neighbors.

[Audience Laughs] [Music Cuts Out]

I'm sorry, but gamer tag "Big Leech Larry Manure" cannot play anymore. Gimme this.

[Audience Laughs]

I was close to beating the game!

I was close to beatin' you!

Y'all tryin' to wake the dead with that trash music?

[Scoffs] Trash?

This is Bianca-say's new album, "Food for a Thought".

[Audience Laughs]

Bianca-say? Please. Now, we had real music.

Type of music that'd teach you how to talk to a lady.

- Yeah, like Al B. Sure. - Mm!

Who's Al B. Sure?

What? You don't know Al B. Sure?

I'll sure be damned. [Audience Laughs]

New artists know how to talk to women.

How can you tell?

Can't understand half the things these mumble rappers are sayin'.

- Can you imagine Amigos tryin' to mumble mack? - Oh!

[Rapping] Look at. That. Bird. Like.

[Cooing]

Lookit. Her. There. She.

[Cooing]

Lookit. That. Munchkin. Right.

Munch, munch, munch, munch, munch.

Well it must've worked, 'cause Onset got Bardi C.

Yeah, I think anybody with a stack of 1's got Bardi C.

Oh!

We had Jodeci, 112, Shai.

- Boyz 2 Men, - Yes.

Dru Hill, New Edition!

Who you gonna say next, TLC?

Boy, you better give them books some TLC.

Before I hit you on your left eye and throw you down a waterfall.

[Theme Music] * Woke up and my wife said to me

* The bill collectors want their fees

* The kids keep talkin' back to me

* Family Time

* Family Time, Family Time, Family Time

[Instrumental Music]

Oh, you should've ducked.

Now you all laid out in Walmart with people shoppin' in yo pockets!

[Audience Laughs]

What the?

- Oh, hi mom. You're so beautiful. - Mm-hmm.

Are you ready for your amortization test?

- I guess. - I guess?

Devin, you inspired me to take this test.

Studying together would be nice quality time before you go back to school.

I mean, that sounds great and all,

but studying just isn't really my thing.

Oh, really?

Did you ever stop to think that not studying is the reason you're on academic probation?

I got it this time, mom. I'll be fine.

All I'm sayin' is, Magic should've said something

to LaBron before he left.

You know Bron got abandonment issues, man.

Remember when his hairline tried to leave, and he held it hostage at gunpoint.

- 'Sup Lisa. - Hey, Donnie.

- Hey, baby. - Hey.

So how's that class for Devin?

It's harder than I thought.

But, you know, I'm just excited to spend time with him.

Yeah, enjoy it, Lisa.

One minute they all up in your nest, then the next, you gotta kick 'em out

to see if they fall or fly.

I kick you out of my nest everyday and you always fly back.

That's 'cause I'm a homie pigeon.

Get it? Homie, homing?

Mm, yeah, you're no comedian, Donnie. Keep your day job.

Well do you have a day job? You know what, just keep your unemployment going.

Keep it, keep it going. [Audience Laughs]

But he does actually have a point, baby.

You spend more time with your friends than you do with Ebony.

Come on now, Donnie's not a friend, he's more like family.

That's right. Come on Lisa, you know me,

you're more like kissing cousins anyway.

The, the kind that just met at the barbecue though,

we didn't know each other our whole life. [Audience Laughing]

Keep it up. You about to be missing cousins. [Audience Laughs]

Yeah.

And bring my platter back, Hamburglar.

[Audience Laughs]

But seriously Tony, just

do something with Ebony while she's here.

- Spend time with her. - I do.

Me and Ebony do all type of stuff together.

- Hey mom, hey dad. - Hey, baby.

Where's the ham?

Hey baby, let me ask you a question.

Do you think that you and your dad spend enough time together?

Tell her, princess.

- No. - Wha?

Look dad, I know you work hard

to be able to send me and Devin to college, well,

Devin twice, but it's okay, I'm used to it.

Okay, okay, how 'bout this?

Tomorrow, 12 noon, me and you

daddy-daughter surprise day.

Okay, so that mean's you'll wing it.

Yeah, see? We bonding already. [Audience Laughs]

[Instrumental Music]

Hey ma.

Ba, baby! You can't just be sneakin' up on people like that.

Mom, what're you looking at?

Uh, oh, it's just, an adult film.

Mom, come on, I know what this is.

Wha, I'm tellin' you, it's a shake them cakes compilation.

Mom, every mother goes through this

phase of motherhood, it's okay, it's natural.

Okay, fine.

You know, I'm studying so I can show Devin up in

class so he'll feel like a slacker.

Feel like, you know, it'll make him want to study with me.

Oh, mom, outsmarting Devin is so easy, it's hard.

He's smarter than you think.

No, I, I know. But I just don't think he's fully applying himself.

Yeah, we should be worried if Devin quits school, I mean,

the fact that he's still trying should tell you something.

Aw, my baby's so smart.

You ready for Daddy-Daughter day?

Yeah, but I have no idea what we're doing.

Yeah, he probably doesn't either.

But, I'm just happy you two are making new memories.

All my memories of dad now include him yelling or

passing the gas, then there was one time he yelled because he couldn't pass gas.

Oh. [Chuckles]

Well it's 12:15, so he should be home any minute.

[Phone Vibrating]

- Oh, it's dad now. - Oh.

Hello?

Oh, hey dad.

Oh, a last minute meeting?

Yeah, well what time will you-

Oh. Another time.

Yeah, that's fine.

Okay, love you too.

[Sighs]

Oh, Ebony, I'm sorry.

- Your father's just- - No, no, it's, it's fine mom, I knew this was gonna happen.

You know he's gonna make it up to you.

Ebony? [ Audience "Aww's"]

[Instrumental Music]

[Instrumental Music]

Now where is that sandwich that I hid from Donnie?

I mean, just knew he wouldn't find it.

That boy can sniff out any damn thing. Damn it, Donnie.

[Screaming] Oh!

What in the Thin Line?

Where have you been, Tony?

- I had a- - You're two hours late.

I'm sorry, I had a last minute client.

Okay? We had to work on a very important project, I couldn't cancel.

Yeah, well, aren't you forgetting something today?

Happy anniversary, baby. [Audience Laughs]

You carry around a bracelet every day?

Hell yeah.

Ever since I forgot your anniversary and you had me

sleeping on more couches than a runaway foster kid.

You know, let me be very clear, I could care less about any of that.

Okay? But your daughter, Ebony,

you had a date with her today.

I know, I called her, she said she was fine.

She has not come out of her room since you hung up.

[Exhales]

You know, I honestly didn't think she would mind.

I didn't think she wanted to hang out with me.

Honey, why would you think that?

She adores you.

Remember the good times?

Hell yeah I remember good times.

Penny gettin' burnt by that iron, that scarred me for life.

[Audience Laughs] Tony, stop playin', you know what I mean.

'Course I do.

I mean we used to play video games, we used to

watch scary movies.

- We used to have little tea parties. - Yeah.

I'd even dress up with her. [Both Laughing]

You got a little bit too into that.

I remember you bein' in the tub, shaving your legs.

Oh by the way, can I get my razors back?

[Tony Chuckles]

You uh, you right Lisa, you right.

You know what? I, I think I'll

I'ma find a way to make it up to her.

You know what? I will make it up to her, and I'ma do it right now.

[Instrumental Music]

[Tony] Ebony! Ebony!

Okay, first of all, I apologize for standing you up.

But all of that changes now, okay?

You ready for Daddy-Daughter day?

[Chuckling] All right!

Okay, first up, juggling.

- Come on, remember this? Remember how e used to do this? - No, no, no.

- All the time. - No, uh-uh.

Okay, alright, just throw it.

[Explosions from TV]

[Tony Cackling]

Yeah, yeah, yeah!

[Tony Laughing]

You wanna play a game? No!

[Screaming, Moaning from TV]

[Ebony Screams]

[Woman Screams]

[Whimsical Music]

[Audience Laughs]

You nervous about taking the test?

When you retake as many tests as I have,

you become a pro.

Ah, that explains academic pro-bation.

[Lisa Laughs]

- Touché. You ready? - Eh...

[Snoring]

Devin, you done?

Devin!

[Gasps] No, don't stop, Ri Ri.

Devin!

Please don't stop the music. [Audience Laughs]

Mm-hmm. Let's check these scores.

Ooh, ho, wow.

Okay, now don't be too hard on yourself, honey.

I, I didn't want to tell you, but,

you know, I did a little extra studying, and I barely passed, so.

That's why we gotta build better study habits.

How bad is it? You get, you get a zero?

Two, actually.

It's not that big of a deal, though.

Wha... one hundred percent?!

Congrats baby! That is amazing!

You did say two zeroes.

What'd you get mom, two zeroes too?

Uh...

- Ugh. - Hmm!

No, just... just one.

Yeah, 60%, Mom. It looks

like you got my old study habits.

I mean ah I don't I don't know what happened. I I did, I studied, okay.

- I studied day, and night. And I... - It's okay.

- And I-- - It's okay. It's it's okay, Mom. Relax, relax.

- Breathe in...Breathe out. [Lisa inhales and exhales]

You stress yourself out too much.

[Sighs] Baby ah you know I never thought I'd say this but a...

will you teach me your ways?

The path is long and hard,

and it won't be easy. You sure you're ready?

Teach me, sensei.

Teach me.

[Audience laughter]

[Instrumental Music]

Ooh!

[Audience laughter]

Ah deh...okay.

[Lisa gags]

[Audience laughter]

Aaah!

[Music sting]

[Instrumental Music]

[Audience laughter]

[Audience laughter]

[Floor creaks]

[Audience bellows]

Aah!

Ahaah!

Mm hm. I see my Donnie trap worked.

What the hell is wrong wit you, man. Why would you do somethin' like this?

Because last time you stole a whole ham.

Ah, what would you do if your kids reached in here, man?

Chop they arm off and parade it around the city to warn the other moochers.

You ain't even supposed to be here. Don't you have some kind of daddy/daughter day thang.

Nah, man. It's been a disaster.

I tried to play video games with her but she's a sore looser.

I've played wit chu Tony. You're a sore winner.

May-- she don't even like video games.

Yeah I know. So then I thought I'd switch things up.

We could watch a movie. So I put on that

interspecies love story between vampires and werewolves.

Twilight?

Nah, "Blood Sucking WerePires from Mars".

Let's just say she probably won't be sleepin well for a few weeks.

You gotta do somethin' that she likes, Tone.

Duh. So... I set up a little tea party.

Man, she used to love those.

Yeah, when she was 4.

[Groans] What are you gonna do when she turns 21? Take her to Chaz's Cheese?

I didn't know things were this bad between me and her.

Look, you just gotta do stuff that she likes, man. Like...

her favorite movie is The Notebook.

Ah, her favorite game to play is Dance Dance Revolution. And her

favorite artists is Bianca-say.

How do you know so much about Ebony?

Not a good time to tell you this, man. But a when you at work all day,

I come over here and I wrap my lips around [Bottles rattle]

- Wrap your lips around what? - Aaah!

Aah! the food, Tone.

The food! [Sighs]

Like yesterday's ham.

Not Lisa!

My point is...I spend a lot of time over here and I listen to Ebony when she talks.

And she's been talkin' about goin' to that...

aah! Bianca-say concert tonight.

Bianca-say? I'm not a big fan of Bianca-say.

You better watch that, man. that beehive be listenin'.

[Audience laughter]

Also, it's not about you. It's about her. All you gotta do is be there for her.

[Audience laughter]

- You know what, Donnie. You right. [Donnie groans]

I'm gonna see if I can get some tickets to that concert tonight.

You get the key to this as weh--

[Audience laughter]

All sold out.

But you know what? There still might be a way.

Well, I love a happy endin'.

[Audience laughter]

You know what Donnie? You've earned your food today.

[Sigh of relief]

You know you coulda got your arm out earlier just by lettin' go of the food.

Please, man. I've been thinkin' about Lisa's yams all day.

[Audience laughter]

Hey, man. These yams...that she cooked.

Eh huh, yeah.

[Instrumental Music]

Right, and I completely forgot that I had made plans with my daughter a little

daddy-daughter day.

Bruh...oh you, oh you have a daughter too?

Daughters?

You have 11 girls?!

Ah hah, wow!

You wife must-- No, ah yeah! No, no I get it.

I get it, cause you kept tryin' for that boy, huh?

Let me tell ya somethin'. I have a son.

Don't try that hard.

[Audience laugher] [Tony mumbling]

[Laughter] Just, ah, okay.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I was jokin'. Listen um...

Thank you again for the tickets. I'm a pick 'em up right away.

Alright. I'll see you soon.

What the--?

Devin, what happened to you?

I forgot to deactivate the Uncle Donnie trap before openin' up the fridge.

Hey, is that my hat?

Sure is, and what was it doin' in the man cave?

I came down here to meditate so I can study.

Can I get it back?

Nope, finders, keepers.

And answer me this. Why were you meditating in the man cave when you got your own room, boy?

That's messed up, Dad.

I was in here hidin' our from Mom. You know she doesn't take stress well.

- And I knew the man cave was the last place she would check. - Mm hm.

Let me ask you a question.

- What's up, Dad? - I just got these tickets...

for Bianca-say live in concert tonight!

And I'm a take Ebony. She gonna love that, right?

Oh, definitely. That's her favorite artist of all time.

Yeah, I knew that. I knew that.

Yeah ah after I bailed on her though, I knew I had to make a grand gesture.

Hm...you know Dad, how come you ain't never did anything like this for me before?

Like what?

Get me tickets to go see my favorite artist.

Because your favorite artist changes every month.

Last month it was 'Lil XYZ.

Now it's Blueface.

Let me ask you this.

Why is it that these rappers nowadays have such dumbass names?

You think the names in your era were better?

I mean, what was the obsession with Ice?

Ice Cube, Ice-T, and Vanilla Ice!

Yeah, you got a point there.

I'm just sayin' Dad, I'm in college too. And a studyin' with Mom today was

really fun.

You know, I was just wonderin' when was the last time me and you did something cool together?

Okay, now I'm startin' to feel like a bad parent.

No, you're not a bad parent. You're a great parent.

Not as good as Mom, but you are a dope Dad.

Thanks?

Alright ah I'll tell you what.

After this concert, we'll have dinner and figure out somethin' for you and I to do.

Mm, just the two of us.

That sounds good.

- You know Dad... - Hm?

kids don't say this but as kids,

we get to watch our parents grow up and get older too and

I would like to make plenty more memories wit chu before I have

any kids of my own.

Kids a your own? Who you done got pregnant?

Is it Tina from up the street?

You know what? I'm a go study with Mom.

She's less mess.

Yeah, you do that.

I had to get dressed anyways.

[Instrumental Music]

- You ready, Mom? - [Sighs] I am.

Yes! Yes, 100%!

Oh congrats, Mom.

[Deep inhale] Baby, I mean was wrong about your unusual

study methods.

I learned in class that will power runs out.

It's based on glucose.

So if I have to use will power to study, I indulge in

something that doesn't take will power,

and add sugar. It's not healthy, but it works.

That's very insightful.

Now, what about the sushi?

A lot of seafoods like salmon and even octopus,

they have Omega 3's. It's great brain food.

Wow. Baby, I'm impressed.

Okay so wait, what does reading upside down do?

Oh, that was nothin'. I was just messin' wit cha.

Really? Oh, that that's what we do?

Mm hm.

Wow baby, I'm just I I really didn't realize how much you've matured and you've

grown.

I do think academic probation, I think you learned a lesson.

Yeah, I wanted to show you how much I've changed and to trust

that I will never let it happen again.

Yeah. Well as long as you stay off of real probation,

- ...we're good. - No doubt.

[Audience laughter]

What...in the world?

Please don't suck my blood, WerePire?

Wha what...what is goin' on?

I'm sorry, Mom. I'm hiding from Dad.

Ah, you do realize he lives here.

Probably not the best place to hide.

That bad, huh? Got you lookin' like Emaciated Gray.

[Audience laughter]

Oh Tony, I think Ebony has something to say to you.

You wanna tell me why she dressed like Mary J. Blind?

[Audience laughter]

Waz up, baby?

Well Dady, I'll always be your baby girl but I'm not a little girl anymore.

And I know we don't like the same things so

you can stop trying so hard.

Okay but let me make it up to you.

No, Dad. I really appreciate you trying. It's okay.

Alright. If you don't wanna go to the Bianca-say concert, that's fine.

Up...yeah, right. The tickets are sold out. I checked.

[Gasps] Oh my God, Daddy. You couldn't have!

But how?

Well that client I had to stay late for, turns out he was the promoter.

He realized the sacrifice I made and he tried to make it up to me.

So we gonna go or what?

Yeah but one thing. You're not wearing that.

What's wrong with what I got on? I'm sharper than Lori's teeth.

Alright fine, I'll change.

Thing got me sweatin' so bad, I feel like my body's cryin'.

[Lisa laughs]

[Instrumental Music]

Eh...what?

I raided Devin's closet.

You dressed like Big Ol' Yachty, Dad.

You're fine.

[Instrumental Music]

My neck's startin' to itch.

[Trip-Hop Music]

Devin can you please turn down this music, honey?

Why?

Because the dinner table isn't for dancing.

Ah, this Bianca-say ain't that bad.

Now these dance moves y'all got nowadays, now those are whack!

[Devin and Ebony] What!?

Oh yeah, yeah. What what's this one here?

- This this this thing here. What's this? - Dad...

Dad, you're doin' it wrong.

You look like a penguin tryin' to take flight.

Well how lame is the Running Man? Like who

- ...what's this? - Girl, please. The Runnin' Man

is responsible for the freedom of a lot of our ancestors. Why you trippin'?

[Lisa] Okay!

- Yeah, that's right. Sell it, - Everybody was...

- baby! - ...doin' that Runnin' Man.

What is this? This is one-legged

- This. - [Donnie] Yeah.

You're tryin' to stomp out roaches or somethin'.

I mean it's better than the Cabbage Patch.

Who names a dance after some dumb doll.

- The Cabbage Patch. Show 'em how to do the... - [lLisa] Oh.

- ...Cabbage Patch, baby. - The Cabbage Patch....

- Knock it off. - ain't a dumb doll. Now I...

- Well shuka shuck. - ...believe you can break that Cabbage Patch deehwn!

- All the way. Get it. Get it. - Eh heh, eah ow. Ow!

[Donnie] Get it. Okay, easy now. Easy now.

- ...You ain't that. Alright. Alright. - [Ebony yelping]

- [Donnie] Alright. - [Lisa] Yeah, that's it. That's it.

[Instrumental Music]