Original subtitles

[Instrumental Music]

Hey Lisa, What's goin' on?

A just looking at Ebony's college acceptance letters.

Tryin' to decide on the perfect school for her.

Alright, have you narrowed it down to any top choices?

I personally think local schools, like Baybrook University and

Valley Hill are really great choices.

- Oh. - But Wexley. Wexley's probably more her speed.

Oh, the one that's right up the street?

Yeah, I mean it's walking distance.

So I'll be able to take her bagged lunchies and

and give her an extra set of clothes each week,

and also wash her favorite little blankie.

[Audience laughter]

She's goin' off to college, not preschool.

Besides, didn't she express that she wants to go to an out of state college?

Maybe once or twice, but since when did we start carrying about Ebony's opinion?

Please, now let the girl decide on her own.

Decisions like this are very important in life.

You think if we decided not to have kids early,

I would have given up on my dream to become a rapper?

L Tone Loco was about to blow!

You had a better chance of winning the lottery.

[Audience laughter]

I'm just sayin'.

Whatever school Ebony decides to go, we need to be there for her.

Or with her!

I read about this one program at Baybrook that allows Moms to go to the

dorms for a week.

You know just in case the daughters get homesick.

I really think I might do that.

We ain't white.

I know Tony. It's just hard to accept that our little

girl is growin' up so fast.

You know and the fact that she might be miles and miles away. I mean it just hasn't clicked.

Look, she'll never be too far.

She'll always be either a FaceTime call or a plane ride away.

Or you know what? It'll be Thanksgiving. She'll be

buried in her cellphone gettin' on our nerves again.

I guess you're right, Tony.

I still think Wexley is the best choice.

I'm not sayin' I'm gonna be on campus,

but if she needs me I will...

[Audience laughter]

I'll be right here.

And if she decides to go somewhere else, I'll be just as okay with it.

Good to hear.

- So, the mother/daughter dorm program. - Out of the question!

[Theme music]

* Woke up and my wife said to me *

* The bill collectors want their fees *

* The kids keep talkin' back to me *

* Family Time

* Family Time. Family Time

* Family Time. Waa aah woa oah oah oah yeah *

[Instrumental Music]

[Gasps] Ooh, girl.

Davonte just posted a sneak peak of what he's wearing to prom.

- Oop. - He is looking fine. Ooh!

You know light skins in suede suits are my weakness.

Girl I know, and that's exactly why I'm inviting him to my

pre-prom party.

Wait...you're having one here?

Dang, you're lucky. My parents won't let me.

Yeah, my parents weren't feeling it either until I told them I was running for prom queen.

Plus I'm hoping it'll help me get some votes.

Prom queen?

[Scoffs] Wait, since when do you care about the bougie glitz and glam of a prom queen?

I thought you were just fine with bein' a prom peasant like the rest of us.

I mean I was a first but I feel like it'll be a

good opportunity to make a name for myself before we graduate.

Oh girl, you don't want that.

The girls who win prom queen never make names for themselves.

People make names for them.

What do you mean?

Well last year, Tight Weave Theresa won. The year before that

curly haired Corine won, and then the year before that

beach body Becky won.

You don't want to be easy breezy Ebony.

Your reputation goes down as soon as you win that crown.

I don't know. Sounds like people are just jealous to me.

Besides, all of those girls were just bullies who resorted to

petty tactics in order to win.

You do have a point there.

I heard that Tight Weaved Theresa said that she would take everyone's man if they didn't

vote for her.

Wow, well that definitely won't be me. Besides,

I'm doin' it for fun. If I win, I win. If I loose, I loose.

Well, when you say it like that, it doesn't sound so bad.

Alright, I'll help you with your campaign and what not.

See, I knew my bestie would. And if I do win,

I'll be sure to mention you in my speech.

Forget a speech. If you win, I need that first dance with Davonte.

Everyone knows he's gonna be prom king.

Ha! Ooh,

I should start looking for a suede dress to match my man's.

[Audience laughter]

[Instrumental Music]

[Audience laughter]

Devin, what you doin' in my room?

Ah I was just lookin' for some ointment

for a bruise I got playin' basketball.

You don't even play basketball,

or watch it. You tried out 5 times and ended up the team mascot.

Yes I do play basketball.

Last week I messed around and got a triple double.

Boy, the only triple doubles you order come with pickles and side of mammal fries.

What's your favorite team?

Ah...hah,

the Nebraska ah...

The Timberwizards.

I rest my case.

Now Devin, tell me how you really hurt yourself?

I'm not buyin' this basketball story.

Did I say basketball? I meant boxing.

You know me and Ross was sparrin' in his backyard, and he threw a haymaker

left a nasty bruise on my arm.

- Oah, did you hurt yourself? Let me just, let me see. - Aah!

I put some frozen peas on it.

You know, wrapped some gauze. It doesn't even hurt that bad.

- Huh, okay that's fine. Let me just take a look at the bruise. - Ow!

I thought you said it didn't hurt, Devin.

[Scoffs] It doesn't.

I was sayin', "Ow," you know, like how Bardi C does every 10 seconds?

Oooow! [Audience laughter]

Don't lie to me.

Okay well if I show you, you promise you won't get mad?

I promise.

[Sighs]

Oh my! What duh what?

- Hell to the no! - You said you weren't gonna get mad.

Ah I'm not bad. I am freakin' furious!

A tattoo, Devin?

An infected one at that.

I know, Mom. I'm sorry.

But it won't look as bad in a couple a days. It'll heal.

Heal into what? Because right now it looks like a bootleg fraternity brand.

[Audience laughter]

Where'd you even get this done?

In Ross's garage. His uncle Tyrone offered to do it.

And I let him since he used to be a professional tattoo artist.

Well...in jail.

What?

Devin, you got to get this removed.

You better call Tyrone.

Call him!

But you can't use my phone though.

I can't call him either way.

- He only uses burner phones. - Oh, boy. Wow.

Unbelievable, Devin.

This is really unbelievable. Wait till I tell your father.

Oh Mom, please don't tell him. He'll kill me.

Not if that cheap-ass tattoo doesn't do it first.

[Audience laughter]

Well...I'll tell him. But it has to be on my own time like

maybe when I get married, have a few children, give him some grand-babies.

[Audience laughter]

Boy, what is that supposed to even be anyway?

My initials. DS for Devin Stallworth.

- More like dumb-- - Mom!

[Instrumental Music]

Wow, this looks so amazing.

Oh, only the best for my baby girl. You know that.

Prom queen is yours for the takin', Ebony.

[Door opens]

Hello, royal family.

[Audience laughter]

Hm, the princess...

has arrived.

Hey there, Sleepin' Ugly.

[Audience laughter]

You can refer to me as the duchess of success,

thank you very much.

You look more like the duchess of Pepto-Bismol.

You're welcome.

Lori, why are you late? You were supposed to help us with Ebony's campaign.

Oh darling...a queen is never late.

She simply knows that everyone else....

is early.

Wow, nice Tiara, Aunt Lori.

Did you win a prom queen back in high school?

Yeah back in the day I did.

Yeah, more like the Stone Ages.

Look, nobody asked you, Nia Wrong.

You're just mad because when you ran

- ...against a...Jeronica Williams, - Ugh.

- Jeronica Williams!, - Here we go.

you only got one vote.

And it was you [Laughter]

While I on the other hand,

took the finest brotha in the hood

to my prom. He was prom king.

Does the name um Chico De Barge ring any bells?

Wait, you went to prom with Chico De Barge?

No!

I went with his cousin Rico, and you know it.

Rico was just always a little insecure about

bein' the chocolate De Barge.

That's why it hurt so bad when I

found out about his passing.

Oh no. He passed away?

Oh hell, no. He bleached his skin and start passin' for Caucasian.

[Audience laughter]

Now he identifies himself as

Trans-Racial.

You sure knew how to pick 'em back in the day.

Don't be mad cause the only people who picked you was the boys' basketball team.

Well at least they weren't callin' me Cicely Bison!

And wha only because I have no neck and broad

- ...shoulders. And I used to go like this... - You don't have a neck or

and like knock people down.

- Cause I still confuse ?-- - Yes, and that's why you were in the slow classes,

- I wasn't slow. I... - because nobody knew what was wrong with you.

- in class I was, hey! - [Indistinct] They were confused.

Both of your prom dates are gone,

The glory days are gone. It's really it's no point in arguing, okay.

Aren't we here for Ebony, your niece?

- Yes. - Well everyone is here except Alyssa, which is...

so weird because I texted her earlier to see if she was coming,

and she never responded.

Hey Eb, sorry I'm late.

I had to print out this huge poster at Kinky's.

Oh no, it's okay. Thanks for making the poster for me.

Poster for you?

Nah, girl. This one's for me.

[Audience gasps]

Wait, I didn't know you was runnin'.

I never said I wasn't.

Plus, I was put on the ballot as a last-minute nominee.

And once she convinced me that there were perks to becoming prom queen, I figured

why not give it a shot?

Okay, now come on, Alyssa.

You know Ebony's been wanting this.

You gotta support your girl.

I do support her,

but I ain't votin' for her.

I mean's what's a big win without a little competition, right?

Oh you about to win big with this little ass-whoopin' I'm about to give you.

Okay. Go ahead, do it.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah, you run. - Stop her! - Let me through. Get her.

- Get back. - Stop her!

[Instrumental Music]

- Mmm. - Oh hey, Devin.

Oh hey, Dad.

What you up to?

Oh just about to go to Ross's house to play a little Fort Night.

What's up witchu?

Oh we are about to clean these rain gutters. Come on.

How long is that gonna take?

As long as it takes. Now bring your ass, boy.

Gotta clean the rain gutters.

A first of all, you might wanna take off that hoodie. It's way too hot out here for all that.

When you're as cool as I am,

you never get hot.

I thought I was about to have a heat stroke if you don't take off that hoodie.

I'm good, Dad. I promise.

Wait a minute. Come here.

[Audience laughter]

Is that my hoodie you've got on?

Yeah.

Now what did I tell you about goin' into my closet?

That if I ever came out, I better not have Mom heels on.

No! That if you wear my clothes, you better ask me first.

Now take my damn hoodie off, Devin.

Ah but but I don't have a shirt on underneath.

So? You ain't a woman. Take the hoodie off.

Mm hmm.

You know what?

I will go take off your hoodie. I'll put it right back in your closet.

But I'm just gonna change into a T-shirt. You know I'll be right back.

[Instrumental Music]

Miss Teen Vogue. I'm talkin' about myself, not you.

- [Lori laughs] - [Rachel] You wanna go low for the good angles.

Ooh, boomerang.

- [Lori] Boomerang - [Rachel] Get the door.

What, what do I look like?

The help.

[Upbeat Instrumental Music]

Oh, it's you.

You look like Cinderella had a very very broke mother.

Girl, Oooooh,

don't test me. Not today,

not while I'm lookin' like Molly Ringwald, Pretty in Pink.

[Audience laughter]

Alright, everybody, it's time for my daughter Ebony,

AKA your future prom queen,

to make her grand entrance.

So would everyone please turn your attention to the stairs?

Cue the music, baby.

What does she want me to play?

A just pick any song. Pick any song.

Is Bounced up Bootie in a circle okay?

A how bout I have your dad bounce his butt off your bootie in a circle?

Okay.

[Gasping]

[Cheering and applause]

[Hip-hop Music]

- [Alyssa clears throat] - Hey, Alyssa.

Oh hey, Ebony. You look good, girl. Where'd you get your dress...

mom's closet?

Online actually. Where'd you get yours, Swap meet?

Valenciago, actually.

Wow, it looks like your prom party is turning out to be a huge success.

Yeah, it is. Well you wouldn't be so surprised if you were

here earlier helping me set up like we planned.

Well in case you haven't noticed, I've been...

pretty busy myself.

Hm well, judging by the fact that Davonte's your date and barely even knows you,

yeah. That's obvious.

[Audience gasps]

- Ah, you wanna take some pics? - Yeah.

[Audience laughter]

[Audience gasps] Oh woa woa woa.

[Ebony faintly squeals]

She is messy!

[Music sting]

[Instrumental Music]

Ooh did you see what she just did? I shoulda kissed him first.

No, no okay, you kept it classy and that little stunt

was nothin' but trashy.

I know, Mom but maybe bein' a little trashy is what it takes to win.

I mean I don't know, maybe I'm just not cut out for this,

unless I wanted to make out with Davonte and to sway them in my favor.

I'm sorry, what? You wanted to make out with who in the back of whose van?

Okay a which one of these little negroes about to catch these hands?

- Hmm? Speak up! - No, no no no no.

She's saying she doesn't want to make out with anyone. That's what she's saying.

Oh. Okay, good. Cause daddy is entirely too good lookin' to go to prison.

Now a what are you doin' here in this kitchen?

Why aren't you out there with your little classmates and your best friend?

Make that ex best friend. A best friend wouldn't sabotage me

in front of everyone in order to make prom queen.

[Sighs] what, is that what this is about?

A silly little prom queen competition. I say let her have it.

You mean let her win? Why?

[Sighs] Because it doesn't mean anything.

Ah being prom queen does not define who you are.

It doesn't?

Of course not.

If it did, your Aunt Lori would be datin' princes instead of kissin' frogs.

Okay, now your father is right.

You know, you just gotta be the bigger person.

It's the only way Alyssa's gonna realize how wrong she was.

I guess you guys are right. Thanks, Mom. Thanks, Dad.

You got it. And if you ever come to blows with her,

just remember what Daddy taught ya.

Slip the jab, counter with the upper cut.

Finish her! You know what I'm talkin' about. Come on, show me the two punch.

- Two toh-- mm hm. There it is. There is is. - Oh!

- There is is. We'll work on it more later. - [Ebony laughs]

- It's pretty good though. That's dope. - When did daddy teach you that?

Oh no, we diggin' it in. We diggin' it in.

- Nobody drives a van though, for real though. Right? - Wow.

[Instrumental Music]

Hey, Dev.

Hey, Dad. I know. I know, Scrub the dishes, take out the trash.

But I haven't finished stackin' the plates up, hores devores.

[Audience laughter]

A first of all, it's hors d'oeuvres.

And second, I was just gonna invite you to come fishin' with me and the fellas this weekend.

Oh that sounds cool. I'm down.

- Alright, I'll let 'em know. - Ow!

Devin, did you get the alcohol?

Eh ah...Devin, what alcohol is she referrin' to?

Ah. umm...

Oh, great. You're showin' him.

Showin' me what?

Alright, don't you try that Wendy Williams pass out. That ain't gonna work with me.

Well...since I've been put on the spot,

I guess I'm forced to show you.

But before I do, you promise you won't get mad?

Mmm, can't guarantee that, son.

I'm a black man with a short fuse so there's a 50% chance

that I may or may not have my foot up your ass.

[Audience laughter]

What's that?

Ah!

Got a tattoo. Hmm.

[Audience laughter]

- Tony. - Hold on. Let me holler at you real quick. Let's talk about it.

- Tony. Tony. - We can talk about it. I'll wait. I'll wait.

[Instrumental Music]

A tattoo. A damn tattoo, Devin. Really?

You know those things are addictive.

Next thing you know, you'll have a full sleeve full of mumble rap lyrics,

and pictures of naked women. Then you'll get a neck tat of your ex-girlfriend

followed by a teardrop for killin' somebody for makin' fun of how dumb you look.

Okay, calm down.

Calm down, Lisa? How can I calm down?

The boy got his initials carved into him like a damn tree. Why would you do that, Devin?

Why would you do that?

Because I wanted it.

Because you wanted it? Because you wanted it!

I wanted Tyra Banks, but I didn't get her.

But if you did, wouldn't you be happy?

Child, yes. No, no. No. Absolutely not.

No I mean, it's okay, because I wanted Wesley Snipes,

but I got a butter knife, not a blade. You know?

But what I think Devin is tryin' to say is that since he's legally an adult,

his body/his choice.

Whose side are you on, Lisa?

It's not about sides, Tony. It's about accepting one's decisions.

Trust me, I was mad about it, and I think it's normal

to be critical It's just important we're not hypocritical.

What's that supposed to mean?

Oh don't pretend like you didn't get your ears pierced at 16 and had that swollen

earlobe that almost resulted in a keloid.

What? Is that true?

There may be some truth to that, but that's not exactly...

alright, fine. Yes, I did that.

There wa there was a time in my youth

when I felt the need to act out and express myself.

Mm hm. Like father, like son.

I see your point, Lisa.

Alright son, I'm sorry for yelling.

But that's the only way I know how to express myself when I feel blind-sighted.

Now if you wanted to get a tattoo,

you coulda told me and we woulda went down and got matching ones.

Really, you would do that?

Hell, no. My body's a temple.

But I would have respected you more if you told me like that.

Touché. Well, I'm really really sorry Dad, for goin' in secret.

I'll be sure to tell you next time I go when I get "Fear, God" tatted on my eyelids.

[Audience laughter]

I'm just kidding, but I do promise to communicate with the both of you.

- I love you, son. - Love you too, Dad.

Lisa that boy gets another tattoo,

I'm a be makin' moonshine out of a prison toilet. You know what I'm talkin' about?

[Audience laughter]

[Instrumental Music]

[Knocking]

- Hey. - What do you want?

I'm ah, can we talk?

Please?

You're here, so talk.

Look Eb, I'm really sorry, okay? I was completely out of line

for running for prom queen, knowing that you wanted it way more.

What I did was selfish.

- True. - Immature.

Mm hm. Yep. Don't forget cruel.

[Audience laughter] Dang, I was cruel too?

Okay, you're right. It was cruel.

Look Ebony, I just got so caught up in wanting to be prom queen,

that I completely lost sight of what I truly value the most.

Our friendship.

I'm really sorry, Eb.

Okay. It's okay. I forgive you.

I just hope Davonte forgives us for using him as a prop in all these photos.

Girl that boy is the least of my concerns.

Once I found out that he was one of Tight Weave Theresa's exes,

girl, I bounced faster than a deadbeat father's child support check.

Wow, that's insane.

But to be completely honest, I'm actually glad Porscha Phillips won.

Ah her weave was a little crooked but

She still slayed.

Okay, you petty.

And that's why you love me.

Still friends?

Still friends.

[Music sting] [Laughter]

[Instrumental Music]

Tony, what you in deep thought about?

Why your shirt matches the blanket?

[Audience laughter]

Yeah I'm just thinkin', did we do a good job raisin' our kids?

What do you mean?

I mean did we do what we said we were gonna do before we had kids?

I mean I think so.

You know, you're a good dad. I'm a good mom, and we fine.

- Baby, we fine. - I know that's right.

Besides, neither one of us turned out to be what

our parents would've wanted, you know?

And I'm actually pretty proud of that.

Oh I'm definitely not what my mother thought I was gonna be.

She thought I'd go off to college and come back wearin' a

hunter sports coat with patches on the elbows

and a corn cob pipe.

Yeah, and if I would've done what my father wanted me to do,

I would took that lotto

ticket and moved the kids to North Carolina.

[Audience laughter]

[Instrumental Music]